1
00:00:03,663 --> 00:00:05,662
Well, it took a year,
2
00:00:05,663 --> 00:00:06,716
she's finally cooking
and cleaning.
3
00:00:06,717 --> 00:00:08,686
I knew this would pay off
eventually.
4
00:00:08,687 --> 00:00:09,688
Does everybody like egg pie?
5
00:00:09,689 --> 00:00:11,646
Jess, I believe the word that
6
00:00:11,647 --> 00:00:13,675
you're looking for is
"frittata."
7
00:00:13,676 --> 00:00:17,654
Oh, Schmidt, stop staring
at my fritta-tas!
8
00:00:17,655 --> 00:00:19,646
You gotta do
something, Nick.
9
00:00:19,647 --> 00:00:20,684
My sister's coming,
my mother's coming.
10
00:00:20,685 --> 00:00:23,662
I love being unemployed.
I love it!
11
00:00:23,663 --> 00:00:25,667
If I'd lost my job
a week ago,
12
00:00:25,668 --> 00:00:29,642
- I'd be deep in a porn hole by now.
- Five-second rule.
13
00:00:29,645 --> 00:00:32,646
The images, the things I would
have seen by now. It's...
14
00:00:32,647 --> 00:00:33,645
Jess, are you cooking
15
00:00:33,646 --> 00:00:35,726
a frittata in a saucepan?
What is this, prison?
16
00:00:35,727 --> 00:00:37,647
- Jar.
- Jar. That's a jar for sure.
17
00:00:37,650 --> 00:00:38,687
Yeah, I know.
18
00:00:38,688 --> 00:00:40,650
I already got the money ready.
19
00:00:40,651 --> 00:00:41,708
No!
20
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:44,630
- What? Oh, no!
- Damn it!
21
00:00:44,633 --> 00:00:45,629
No!
22
00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:49,637
Jess! What is this?!
23
00:00:49,638 --> 00:00:51,222
I just finished that last night.
Isn't it great?
24
00:00:51,223 --> 00:00:52,629
Felt art?
25
00:00:52,630 --> 00:00:53,651
- Nick?
- I'm on it.
26
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:54,671
What?
27
00:00:54,672 --> 00:00:56,661
What photograph were you working from?
My hair hasn't
28
00:00:56,662 --> 00:00:57,690
looked like that in three weeks.
29
00:00:57,691 --> 00:00:59,645
Your hair looks just
like that, Schmidt.
30
00:00:59,646 --> 00:01:00,649
Yeah, your hair looks
just like that.
31
00:01:00,650 --> 00:01:01,674
You are perfect
in that.
32
00:01:01,675 --> 00:01:02,701
This is making me furious.
33
00:01:02,702 --> 00:01:04,637
It's multi-cloth
collage.
34
00:01:04,638 --> 00:01:05,646
Insane!
35
00:01:05,647 --> 00:01:07,717
Jess, can I have
a word with you?
36
00:01:07,718 --> 00:01:09,629
Take a break!
37
00:01:09,630 --> 00:01:11,654
You're looking at this
the wrong way.
38
00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:12,724
This is the first time
39
00:01:12,725 --> 00:01:14,705
you don't have to be anywhere
or do anything.
40
00:01:14,706 --> 00:01:15,687
Right.
41
00:01:15,688 --> 00:01:17,633
You could make weird art
42
00:01:20,672 --> 00:01:23,704
You could go off the grid.
You could be an outlaw.
43
00:01:23,705 --> 00:01:26,721
I'm not really someone who goes
off the grid, Nick.
44
00:01:26,722 --> 00:01:30,683
Whoo-hoo!
I'm off the grid!
45
00:01:30,684 --> 00:01:34,687
I'm so far off the grid, that
everybody's all, "She's off the grid!"
46
00:01:34,688 --> 00:01:37,633
And then I'm all,
"I don't play by your rules."
47
00:01:37,634 --> 00:01:40,641
I can drink at 11:00... a.m.
48
00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:41,713
Yeah, that backfired
pretty quickly.
49
00:01:41,714 --> 00:01:43,633
High five.
50
00:01:43,634 --> 00:01:45,671
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
51
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,692
- ♪Who's that girl?♪
- ♪ It's Jess. ♪
52
00:01:47,693 --> 00:01:51,721
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
53
00:01:52,722 --> 00:01:54,687
Look at that, look at that,
look at that.
54
00:01:55,188 --> 00:01:56,651
My mom always said
I was a late bloomer.
55
00:01:56,652 --> 00:01:58,725
Wait till she sees
this mustache! Bam!
56
00:01:58,726 --> 00:02:00,672
- That's not a shadow?
- What?
57
00:02:00,673 --> 00:02:02,701
'Cause your nose makes
a shadow right over your...
58
00:02:02,702 --> 00:02:05,637
Oh, now it is a mustache.
You look adorable.
59
00:02:05,638 --> 00:02:08,637
Winston, I need you
to be honest with me, okay?
60
00:02:08,638 --> 00:02:09,718
- Yeah.
- Does your mother not like me?
61
00:02:11,521 --> 00:02:12,417
Yes.
62
00:02:12,418 --> 00:02:14,629
She does, she does
not like me?
63
00:02:14,630 --> 00:02:16,658
Schmidt, she loves you.
64
00:02:16,659 --> 00:02:17,724
Good, good, because, you know,
65
00:02:17,725 --> 00:02:19,653
historically speaking,
I'm like, catnip
66
00:02:19,654 --> 00:02:21,218
to tough-talking
African-American women.
67
00:02:21,719 --> 00:02:23,671
It's 'cause I don't front,
know what I mean?
68
00:02:23,672 --> 00:02:24,687
Don't do that.
69
00:02:24,688 --> 00:02:25,675
A'ight.
70
00:02:26,176 --> 00:02:28,212
What is that?
71
00:02:28,213 --> 00:02:30,175
What's your name?
72
00:02:30,176 --> 00:02:32,150
I'm Nick.
73
00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:33,197
Nick's name is Nick!
74
00:02:33,198 --> 00:02:35,147
- Nick, meet Nick.
- Hi, Nick.
75
00:02:35,148 --> 00:02:36,197
You guys even look alike.
76
00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:38,183
Look at that
turtle face.
77
00:02:38,184 --> 00:02:40,147
Nick, want these kegs
behind the bar?
78
00:02:40,148 --> 00:02:41,130
- Yes.
- Yes.
79
00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:43,155
- He was talking to me.
- He was talking to you.
80
00:02:43,158 --> 00:02:45,213
Andy, I'll go get
your check, bud.
81
00:02:46,630 --> 00:02:48,633
Oh, hey, Winston, you know,
you can just have
82
00:02:48,634 --> 00:02:50,513
the hummus in there, okay?
It's giving me the toots.
83
00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:52,721
Hey, Schmidt.
84
00:02:52,722 --> 00:02:53,667
Hey, Alisha.
85
00:02:54,668 --> 00:02:55,713
You look great.
Wow.
86
00:02:55,714 --> 00:02:56,667
Thanks.
87
00:02:56,668 --> 00:02:58,672
It's like they stretched
the ugly out of Winston.
88
00:02:58,673 --> 00:02:59,671
Hmm.
89
00:02:59,672 --> 00:03:00,653
How's the hoops?
90
00:03:00,654 --> 00:03:01,697
- Good, it's good.
- Yeah?
91
00:03:01,700 --> 00:03:03,629
Very impressive, pro ball.
92
00:03:03,630 --> 00:03:06,659
I mean, women's pro,
but still. Swoosh.
93
00:03:08,201 --> 00:03:12,212
I was working in real estate,
but I got laid off, so...
94
00:03:12,213 --> 00:03:14,129
I got laid off last week!
95
00:03:14,130 --> 00:03:15,180
I don't even know
what to do with myself.
96
00:03:15,181 --> 00:03:18,208
I just told myself it was a
chance to start over.
97
00:03:18,209 --> 00:03:20,159
- Yes.
- Be someone
98
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:21,222
That I've always wanted
99
00:03:21,223 --> 00:03:23,222
- to be, you know?
- I'm Jess.
100
00:03:23,225 --> 00:03:25,154
Hi. How are ya?
101
00:03:25,155 --> 00:03:26,208
I'm Bearclaw!
102
00:03:26,209 --> 00:03:28,212
Bearclaw helps me
with the deliveries.
103
00:03:28,213 --> 00:03:29,212
Hey.
104
00:03:29,213 --> 00:03:31,197
- Here's your check, my man.
- Thanks, man.
105
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:35,200
Maybe I'll see you around.
I'm in the phone booth.
106
00:03:35,201 --> 00:03:38,208
Um, oh, it was nice
to meet you, Jess.
107
00:03:38,209 --> 00:03:40,226
- Nice meeting you, too.
- And, Jess, you met me.
108
00:03:40,229 --> 00:03:43,130
Nice to meet you both.
109
00:03:44,188 --> 00:03:48,200
Hey, Nick, I know what I'm gonna
do with all my free time.
110
00:03:48,201 --> 00:03:50,151
- Him.
- You like him?
111
00:03:50,154 --> 00:03:53,141
Mother, may I? Can you give him
my phone number?
112
00:03:53,142 --> 00:03:54,209
Yeah, absolutely.
113
00:03:56,172 --> 00:03:58,183
Winston, your sister
got so hot.
114
00:03:58,184 --> 00:04:00,204
I'm gonna have
to Shaq attack her.
115
00:04:00,205 --> 00:04:02,201
- Schmidt.
- May I have your blessing? 'Cause I'm gonna be,
116
00:04:02,202 --> 00:04:03,213
- Like, dribbling up the court.
- Schmidt.
117
00:04:03,216 --> 00:04:05,162
Boom. Technical foul.
118
00:04:05,163 --> 00:04:08,212
Boom. Illegal use
of the hands. Boom.
119
00:04:08,213 --> 00:04:11,180
- Hello, Schmidt.
- Charmaine.
120
00:04:12,226 --> 00:04:14,129
Charmaine!
121
00:04:14,130 --> 00:04:15,157
The loft just became
122
00:04:15,158 --> 00:04:16,184
Big Mama's House!
123
00:04:18,151 --> 00:04:21,134
- Give me a hug.
- You gonna take care of this?
124
00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:22,222
- He's dead to me.
- Okay.
125
00:04:25,218 --> 00:04:28,217
Hi. Excuse me.
Are you Katie?
126
00:04:28,218 --> 00:04:30,162
I'm Sam from Cupid Match.
127
00:04:30,163 --> 00:04:34,208
And I'm the girl from my dreams
of you.
128
00:04:34,209 --> 00:04:36,146
You are Katie, right?
129
00:04:36,147 --> 00:04:37,209
- Yeah.
- Finally.
130
00:04:37,212 --> 00:04:39,187
I am.
I'm Katie. Hi.
131
00:04:39,188 --> 00:04:42,204
Hi. So many e-mails
back and forth.
132
00:04:42,205 --> 00:04:44,191
How's the little
dog of yours?
133
00:04:44,192 --> 00:04:48,200
I had to put her-im down
on the way here.
134
00:04:48,201 --> 00:04:50,188
- Oh, my God!
- I know.
135
00:04:50,191 --> 00:04:52,196
Can I tell you
something?
136
00:04:52,197 --> 00:04:53,201
Uh, not really.
137
00:04:53,202 --> 00:04:57,191
I'm you from
the future.
138
00:04:57,192 --> 00:04:59,212
Well, that's a first.
139
00:04:59,213 --> 00:05:02,217
Nick, I traveled from
the future to find you.
140
00:05:02,218 --> 00:05:04,146
I'm a time traveler.
141
00:05:04,147 --> 00:05:05,201
Does everybody
tip badly in the future,
142
00:05:05,202 --> 00:05:07,221
or is it just you?
143
00:05:07,222 --> 00:05:09,178
You don't believe
I'm you, do you?
144
00:05:09,179 --> 00:05:10,201
Absolutely not.
145
00:05:10,202 --> 00:05:12,204
Well, I know you didn't
shower this morning.
146
00:05:12,205 --> 00:05:14,163
Well, good guess.
It's a Wednesday.
147
00:05:14,164 --> 00:05:16,183
I know a girl
broke your heart and
148
00:05:16,184 --> 00:05:17,207
you gave up on love.
149
00:05:17,208 --> 00:05:19,213
I know sometimes you get
mad and you don't know why.
150
00:05:20,214 --> 00:05:22,129
I know you're
a bartender
151
00:05:22,130 --> 00:05:24,204
because you like
three feet of bar
152
00:05:24,205 --> 00:05:27,191
between you and
everyone you meet.
153
00:05:27,192 --> 00:05:29,205
Well, I mean...
154
00:05:33,655 --> 00:05:36,184
Chew on that,
you clown.
155
00:05:38,130 --> 00:05:40,133
Wait. Hey, don't-don't say
all that weird stuff
156
00:05:40,134 --> 00:05:41,213
and then just leave!
157
00:05:41,214 --> 00:05:43,179
You were wrong
about the bar!
158
00:05:43,180 --> 00:05:45,213
But everything else was right.
159
00:05:50,155 --> 00:05:53,196
What was the band
that we...? I know...
160
00:05:53,197 --> 00:05:55,137
I'm in.
161
00:05:55,138 --> 00:05:58,196
I've been to
48 Creed shows, so...
162
00:05:58,197 --> 00:06:00,175
Forty-two.
163
00:06:00,176 --> 00:06:02,180
- No way!
- Way!
164
00:06:02,183 --> 00:06:05,205
- Are you serious?
- Wow!
165
00:06:05,208 --> 00:06:08,162
Way to go, Cupid Match.
166
00:06:08,163 --> 00:06:09,213
Yeah. Hey, hold still.
167
00:06:09,214 --> 00:06:12,204
You got a little hair...
168
00:06:13,205 --> 00:06:15,168
on your nose.
169
00:06:28,647 --> 00:06:31,183
Let's just say,
hypothetically,
170
00:06:31,184 --> 00:06:33,201
we live in a world where
time travel exists, okay?
171
00:06:33,202 --> 00:06:36,196
So if that is
the case...
172
00:06:36,197 --> 00:06:38,204
One, Marie Antoinette.
Two, Cleopatra.
173
00:06:38,205 --> 00:06:40,183
Three,
young Ann-Margret.
174
00:06:40,184 --> 00:06:42,179
Four, old Ann-Margret.
175
00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:44,201
Would you shut up, you clown?!
I'm being serious!
176
00:06:44,202 --> 00:06:47,158
I'm talking about real time
travel here, Schmidty.
177
00:06:47,159 --> 00:06:49,162
And I made an astute observation
off of that.
178
00:06:49,163 --> 00:06:50,176
I might have met
future me.
179
00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:52,133
Who knows about this?
180
00:06:52,134 --> 00:06:54,180
Nobody. You're the first
person I've told, obviously.
181
00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:55,209
- Whoa.
- If I find out how you die,
182
00:06:55,212 --> 00:06:57,129
Do you want me
to tell you?
183
00:06:57,130 --> 00:06:58,209
Don't worry. I already know.
It's one of these moles.
184
00:06:58,210 --> 00:07:01,218
- See this little S.O.B. right there?
- That's the guy?
185
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,146
I've been eyeing him
for a while.
186
00:07:03,147 --> 00:07:04,203
That's one's gonna turn
green one day,
187
00:07:04,204 --> 00:07:06,166
and then
there you go.
188
00:07:06,167 --> 00:07:07,201
Schmidt's dead.
189
00:07:07,202 --> 00:07:10,183
I met me in my bar!
190
00:07:10,184 --> 00:07:13,162
Ask him when I meet Kanye.
'Cause I vision...
191
00:07:13,163 --> 00:07:14,207
I'm talking about
real time travel.
192
00:07:14,208 --> 00:07:16,203
I have visions
of me, Kanye, Beyoncé...
193
00:07:16,204 --> 00:07:17,209
I could figure out
what happened...!
194
00:07:17,210 --> 00:07:21,142
- Hey, can I talk to you guys?
- What's up, baby?
195
00:07:21,143 --> 00:07:22,168
Don't call me baby.
Seriously, stop.
196
00:07:22,169 --> 00:07:25,192
- Come on, spill. - Don't wink at me.
- What?
197
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:28,179
Okay, look, I had the best
sex of my life last night.
198
00:07:28,180 --> 00:07:30,161
He brewed me like
a fine chamomile.
199
00:07:30,162 --> 00:07:31,201
Oh, so that was you.
200
00:07:31,202 --> 00:07:33,201
I thought that was
a couple bums fighting.
201
00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:35,201
It wasn't.. It was me having sex.
202
00:07:35,202 --> 00:07:37,184
- Mm. - I left my body, went up to heaven,
saw my grandparents,
203
00:07:37,185 --> 00:07:39,168
Thought it was weird that
I saw my grandparents,
204
00:07:39,169 --> 00:07:42,146
came back down, I became a
werewolf, I scared some teenagers.
205
00:07:42,147 --> 00:07:44,167
I came back into my body.
Only thing is,
206
00:07:44,168 --> 00:07:46,212
he thinks my name is Katie.
207
00:07:46,213 --> 00:07:48,200
And that I'm
a dancer
208
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,204
and/or something
involving puppets.
209
00:07:50,205 --> 00:07:51,190
Katie?
210
00:07:51,191 --> 00:07:52,201
Hey, Sam.
211
00:07:52,202 --> 00:07:56,197
- These are my roommates.
- Hey.
212
00:07:56,198 --> 00:07:58,226
- Hey, uh, Katie, we're running late for dance rehearsal.
- Yes. Oh.
213
00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:00,213
We're wondering if we're
doing leg warmers today...
214
00:08:00,214 --> 00:08:02,192
- Leg warmers.
- Oh, we are. Leg warmers?
215
00:08:02,193 --> 00:08:03,205
You guys are dancers, too?
216
00:08:03,206 --> 00:08:05,209
- Yeah, I mean, mostly Katie,
- Yes, yes.
217
00:08:05,212 --> 00:08:07,201
- But yeah.
- What, do we not look like dancers?
218
00:08:07,204 --> 00:08:09,222
- No, I mean...
- This one's a leaper.
219
00:08:09,225 --> 00:08:11,209
- No, I knew he was gonna go there.
- You're a leaper. You are.
220
00:08:11,212 --> 00:08:13,225
Yep. He is.
They call him, uh, Cricket.
221
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,197
- Yeah, Cricket the leaper.
- Let me see you leap.
222
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,184
- Cricket, show him how you leap.
- I'd love to see you leap.
223
00:08:17,185 --> 00:08:19,147
Don't get self-conscious now.
You've got this.
224
00:08:19,148 --> 00:08:20,201
- You've got it.
- You're really
225
00:08:20,202 --> 00:08:22,149
getting a show here,
'cause he normally
226
00:08:22,150 --> 00:08:23,226
doesn't do this
for a private audience.
227
00:08:23,227 --> 00:08:25,192
- Do the tribal stuff.
- All right. Yeah.
228
00:08:27,142 --> 00:08:29,209
- Beautiful.
- Is he okay?
229
00:08:29,212 --> 00:08:31,146
I'm kind of hearing
some popping.
230
00:08:31,147 --> 00:08:33,158
No, no, Look at that vert.
231
00:08:33,159 --> 00:08:34,180
- Breathtaking.
- Faster. Faster.
232
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,222
Grasshopper.
233
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:37,187
And I'm done.
234
00:08:37,188 --> 00:08:38,224
All right, you know what?
I'm gonna go
235
00:08:38,225 --> 00:08:40,188
to a couple brunches,
maybe take a nap,
236
00:08:40,189 --> 00:08:42,129
rehydrate. Come here.
237
00:08:44,134 --> 00:08:45,178
This is so normal.
238
00:08:45,179 --> 00:08:46,205
This isn't upsetting at all.
239
00:08:46,206 --> 00:08:48,187
Yah!
240
00:08:48,188 --> 00:08:50,222
Oh, man.
241
00:08:50,223 --> 00:08:52,180
All right,
I'm gonna text you later.
242
00:08:52,181 --> 00:08:53,201
- Yep.
- And if you
243
00:08:53,202 --> 00:08:54,226
find my underwear just, uh...
244
00:08:54,227 --> 00:08:56,158
keep it.
245
00:08:56,159 --> 00:08:57,226
I got to go.
246
00:09:00,218 --> 00:09:03,167
Wow, Katie's an animal.
247
00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:05,176
- Katie's the best.
- Nice.
248
00:09:05,179 --> 00:09:07,196
I love being Katie.
249
00:09:07,197 --> 00:09:09,192
- Vintage Katie.
- Like an animal you are.
250
00:09:09,195 --> 00:09:12,221
Katie knows how the sausage
gets made.
251
00:09:12,222 --> 00:09:14,172
- Ew.
- Katie...
252
00:09:14,175 --> 00:09:17,183
Has a job, y'all.
253
00:09:17,184 --> 00:09:19,191
I think I should
just stay Katie.
254
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:21,191
Maybe you should
watch a cautionary tale
255
00:09:21,192 --> 00:09:23,212
that I like to call
The Nutty Professor.
256
00:09:23,213 --> 00:09:25,167
What's Katie gonna do, Nick?
257
00:09:25,168 --> 00:09:27,183
She's got
some pretty dark needs.
258
00:09:27,184 --> 00:09:30,150
Well, I hope you don't like him,
'cause you're not coming back
259
00:09:30,151 --> 00:09:32,147
from, "Just kidding.
My name is actually Jess."
260
00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:38,168
"Hey, I got your number
from Nick. Want to hang?"
261
00:09:38,169 --> 00:09:40,142
- What's this?
- I gave your number
262
00:09:40,145 --> 00:09:43,137
To the guy that you like
from the bar. You asked me to.
263
00:09:43,138 --> 00:09:44,183
Oh, my God.
264
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,217
I forgot.
265
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:48,129
I've never had two guys
into me before.
266
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:50,159
- What's happening?
- Jess, I'm gonna tell you what's happening.
267
00:09:50,162 --> 00:09:52,171
Okay, there comes a time
268
00:09:52,172 --> 00:09:54,175
in every person's
life when...
269
00:09:54,176 --> 00:09:56,191
for no reason whatsoever
270
00:09:56,192 --> 00:09:58,157
they are irresistible
to the opposite sex.
271
00:09:58,158 --> 00:09:59,218
For me, it was
the third night
272
00:09:59,219 --> 00:10:01,208
of Hanukkah '96,
273
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:04,183
which I like to refer to as
The Night of the Shoshannas.
274
00:10:04,184 --> 00:10:06,184
For me, it's every time
I Jet Ski.
275
00:10:07,180 --> 00:10:08,172
This is not fair.
276
00:10:08,173 --> 00:10:10,175
It is gonna take
all of my game
277
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:12,163
- to sleep with Winston's sister.
- What?
278
00:10:12,166 --> 00:10:13,184
- What?
- And then there's you,
279
00:10:13,187 --> 00:10:15,175
Who has this raw
animal magnetism
280
00:10:15,176 --> 00:10:17,137
just dropped in her lap
281
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:19,179
like a sack of taters.
What a waste.
282
00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:22,226
- I'm pretty sure it is not a waste.
- Oh, it's a waste.
283
00:10:22,227 --> 00:10:24,176
Jess, look, you
don't have the skill
284
00:10:24,177 --> 00:10:25,179
to juggle men.
285
00:10:25,180 --> 00:10:26,197
You wear a cardigan
286
00:10:26,198 --> 00:10:28,162
on top of another cardigan.
287
00:10:28,163 --> 00:10:29,222
We all know you're not
the best with doorknobs.
288
00:10:29,223 --> 00:10:32,158
You can barely hold
one thing in each hand.
289
00:10:32,159 --> 00:10:34,155
You tripped the other day
just standing there.
290
00:10:34,156 --> 00:10:36,154
What's happening?
291
00:10:36,155 --> 00:10:39,191
Okay, but Katie
can juggle men.
292
00:10:39,192 --> 00:10:42,154
She's out the door
before you even know
293
00:10:42,155 --> 00:10:43,197
your wallet's gone, son.
294
00:10:43,198 --> 00:10:45,163
Ooh.
295
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:47,183
He wants to cook for me.
296
00:10:47,184 --> 00:10:49,150
Is there a hot way of saying
297
00:10:49,151 --> 00:10:51,209
I don't feel sexy after
I've had a lot of cheese?
298
00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:53,183
I would say no.
299
00:10:53,184 --> 00:10:55,200
Didn't know
300
00:10:55,201 --> 00:10:57,168
this was a butter knife
type of place.
301
00:10:57,169 --> 00:10:59,217
Don't worry,
the team's paying.
302
00:10:59,218 --> 00:11:03,150
If anybody asks,
you're the ball boy.
303
00:11:03,151 --> 00:11:05,179
Hey, Coach, put me in.
304
00:11:05,180 --> 00:11:08,130
- Schmidt.
- Schmidt, what the hell are you doing here?
305
00:11:08,133 --> 00:11:10,137
Come on, move over.
Hey, y'all.
306
00:11:10,138 --> 00:11:11,226
Everybody scooch,
a little scoochie down.
307
00:11:11,227 --> 00:11:13,205
- Okay, teamwork. Defense.
- Really?
308
00:11:13,208 --> 00:11:15,137
A lot of money that I want
309
00:11:15,138 --> 00:11:17,175
to deposit
into your Tyra Banks.
310
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:19,179
If he touches your sister,
311
00:11:19,180 --> 00:11:21,196
I'm gonna stop paying
your cell phone bill.
312
00:11:21,197 --> 00:11:23,183
The L.A. Sparks.
313
00:11:23,184 --> 00:11:25,129
So many Sparks in one place,
314
00:11:25,130 --> 00:11:26,184
you're about to start
the world's sexiest fire.
315
00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:28,129
Am I right?
316
00:11:28,130 --> 00:11:29,197
Andy and I have been
317
00:11:29,198 --> 00:11:31,217
sending each other some
pretty dirty texts.
318
00:11:31,218 --> 00:11:33,176
Come to the professor.
Let me see.
319
00:11:33,177 --> 00:11:35,204
He says, "Can't stop thinking"
320
00:11:35,205 --> 00:11:37,201
about what you're gonna
wear tonight."
321
00:11:37,202 --> 00:11:39,154
How do I respond?
322
00:11:39,155 --> 00:11:41,168
- With a simple...
- Mm-hmm.
323
00:11:41,169 --> 00:11:42,159
"Or not wear."
324
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,201
- Okay.
- Okay?
325
00:11:43,204 --> 00:11:45,179
"Or not wear
326
00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:48,162
because sex happens naked."
327
00:11:48,163 --> 00:11:50,154
Send.
328
00:11:50,155 --> 00:11:51,218
Okay, let me help
you with that.
329
00:11:51,219 --> 00:11:53,162
"Just kidding.
330
00:11:53,163 --> 00:11:56,133
Get ready for a night
you will never forget."
331
00:11:56,134 --> 00:11:57,167
Okay?
332
00:11:57,168 --> 00:11:59,196
"Because once you see my body,
333
00:11:59,197 --> 00:12:01,172
you will go brain-dead
and have memory loss."
334
00:12:01,173 --> 00:12:02,204
Send.
335
00:12:02,205 --> 00:12:04,146
Oh, no.
336
00:12:04,147 --> 00:12:06,187
Autocorrect changed "body"
to "meat bar."
337
00:12:13,197 --> 00:12:15,154
Bearclaw, what are you...
338
00:12:15,155 --> 00:12:16,204
Yeah!
339
00:12:16,205 --> 00:12:18,208
Oh, you're so hot.
340
00:12:18,209 --> 00:12:21,183
Come here.
341
00:12:21,184 --> 00:12:24,197
I can't
wait to see your meat bar.
342
00:12:27,638 --> 00:12:30,150
That's why
they call me Bearclaw.
343
00:12:30,151 --> 00:12:32,150
You did that yourself
in middle school.
344
00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:34,155
See now it's retracting
its claws.
345
00:12:34,156 --> 00:12:36,204
Now it's contracting
its claws.
346
00:12:36,205 --> 00:12:39,225
Like, "Rrr, I'm gonna
attack you in the wild."
347
00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:41,155
Oh, my God, phone's ringing.
348
00:12:41,158 --> 00:12:42,184
- Oh.
- Got to take this.
349
00:12:42,185 --> 00:12:43,222
I'm so sorry, it...
350
00:12:43,223 --> 00:12:45,168
- No, no, no, I...
- It's very important.
351
00:12:45,169 --> 00:12:46,161
I'll just be cooking.
352
00:12:46,162 --> 00:12:47,205
I love cooking.
353
00:12:47,206 --> 00:12:50,183
It's my only outlet.
354
00:12:50,184 --> 00:12:52,141
Nick, Nick.
355
00:12:52,142 --> 00:12:54,200
You gave my number
to the wrong guy.
356
00:12:54,201 --> 00:12:57,159
- Wait, which one did you want me to give your number to?
- Andy.
357
00:12:57,162 --> 00:12:59,212
Andy is so boring.
358
00:12:59,213 --> 00:13:02,150
Bearclaw just told me a
ten minute joke about squirrels
359
00:13:02,151 --> 00:13:04,167
with the punch line,
"eat these nuts."
360
00:13:04,168 --> 00:13:06,183
Seriously, he is so awesome.
361
00:13:06,184 --> 00:13:08,161
Nick, I don't want
to hurt his feelings.
362
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:09,213
Tell me what to do
363
00:13:09,214 --> 00:13:12,141
because you got me into
this mess; this is your fault.
364
00:13:12,142 --> 00:13:14,146
This is not my fault.
I just wanted you
365
00:13:14,147 --> 00:13:16,171
to stop cleaning
the kitchen so much, Jess.
366
00:13:16,172 --> 00:13:18,222
Oh, my God.
367
00:13:18,225 --> 00:13:20,167
Who's Katie?
368
00:13:20,168 --> 00:13:22,146
I'm Katie.
369
00:13:22,147 --> 00:13:24,201
What is happening?
370
00:13:26,163 --> 00:13:29,163
- Hey, mama bear.
- Hey.
371
00:13:29,166 --> 00:13:30,191
Yeah.
372
00:13:30,192 --> 00:13:31,222
Can I tell you some... thing?
373
00:13:31,223 --> 00:13:32,225
Me first.
374
00:13:32,226 --> 00:13:34,179
Um, when Nick...
375
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:37,162
When Nick told me
that you wanted my number,
376
00:13:37,163 --> 00:13:38,197
I was all like...
377
00:13:40,163 --> 00:13:41,222
And then I was like,
378
00:13:41,223 --> 00:13:44,129
Nick, this might be
the best thing
379
00:13:44,130 --> 00:13:46,162
that ever happened to me.
380
00:13:46,163 --> 00:13:47,225
Now you go.
381
00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:49,179
Um...
382
00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:53,130
what I was gonna say was, um...
383
00:13:55,142 --> 00:13:57,146
You're...
384
00:13:57,147 --> 00:13:59,158
an old soul.
385
00:13:59,159 --> 00:14:00,184
Hey, I wanted...
386
00:14:00,185 --> 00:14:02,171
I wanted to tell you.
387
00:14:02,172 --> 00:14:04,167
When I, uh,
388
00:14:04,168 --> 00:14:06,133
I got your text from before,
389
00:14:06,134 --> 00:14:10,129
and I have figured out
my sex character.
390
00:14:10,130 --> 00:14:12,226
And it's
Sergeant Giddyap Carruthers.
391
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,147
Hey, if we...
if we make love later,
392
00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:22,187
and I tell you to pretend
that I'm a scary ghost,
393
00:14:23,188 --> 00:14:25,171
are you gonna be
weirded out by that?
394
00:14:25,172 --> 00:14:27,204
Bearclaw, I'm sick.
395
00:14:27,205 --> 00:14:29,133
Oh.
396
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:31,180
- In my... face.
- Oh, no, um,
397
00:14:31,183 --> 00:14:33,187
I've got an anal thermometer
in my bag.
398
00:14:33,188 --> 00:14:35,151
I'm really good
at telling myself,
399
00:14:35,152 --> 00:14:37,212
and I think that I'm...
I feel very feverish.
400
00:14:37,213 --> 00:14:39,226
- I don't think I need the thermometer.
- Oh, yeah.
401
00:14:39,229 --> 00:14:41,129
No, you do feel hot.
402
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,200
Yeah.
403
00:14:42,201 --> 00:14:45,171
Now you feel even hotter.
404
00:14:45,172 --> 00:14:47,158
Alisha, have a drink with me.
405
00:14:47,159 --> 00:14:49,141
Schmidt,
406
00:14:49,142 --> 00:14:51,212
I only go out with guys
who play basketball.
407
00:14:51,213 --> 00:14:53,141
Well, let's play for it.
408
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:54,188
I win,
you have a drink with me.
409
00:14:54,189 --> 00:14:56,141
You win,
I take you to brunch.
410
00:14:56,142 --> 00:14:57,212
Shoot me.
411
00:14:57,213 --> 00:15:00,154
Schmidt, I'm a professional
basketball player.
412
00:15:00,155 --> 00:15:03,129
Yeah, and I'm a guy who works in
marketing that wants to give it to you.
413
00:15:03,130 --> 00:15:04,216
We both have jobs;
Get over it.
414
00:15:04,217 --> 00:15:06,168
Do I ever finish writing
my zombie book?
415
00:15:06,169 --> 00:15:08,137
Z is for Zombie?
416
00:15:08,138 --> 00:15:10,150
Great title.
417
00:15:10,151 --> 00:15:12,146
Do we ever get rich and famous?
418
00:15:12,147 --> 00:15:14,154
Three words:
419
00:15:14,155 --> 00:15:17,154
Hot, air, balloon.
420
00:15:17,155 --> 00:15:19,146
Do we invent them?
421
00:15:19,147 --> 00:15:21,205
No, they've been invented.
422
00:15:22,397 --> 00:15:23,396
Jess or Katie?
423
00:15:23,397 --> 00:15:24,405
Not now, Nicks.
424
00:15:24,406 --> 00:15:27,400
Hey, tell her you're sorry.
425
00:15:27,401 --> 00:15:28,459
- What for?
- You'll find out.
426
00:15:28,462 --> 00:15:31,383
I mean, I'm sure I did
something stupid,
427
00:15:31,384 --> 00:15:32,409
but what did I do?
428
00:15:32,410 --> 00:15:34,404
You just tell her
you're sorry.
429
00:15:34,405 --> 00:15:35,399
What did I do?
430
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:36,442
You did something stupid.
431
00:15:36,443 --> 00:15:38,379
So tell her you're sorry.
432
00:15:38,380 --> 00:15:40,391
Now I know why people
get annoyed with me.
433
00:15:40,392 --> 00:15:41,413
It's hard to talk to us.
434
00:15:46,405 --> 00:15:48,441
Hey, you know, I can't
believe she asked Nick
435
00:15:48,442 --> 00:15:50,450
for your number and then...
436
00:15:50,451 --> 00:15:52,383
Yeah, yeah, you know what, man?
437
00:15:52,384 --> 00:15:53,476
We-We're perfect together.
438
00:15:53,477 --> 00:15:56,475
It's like I finally found
my lady bear.
439
00:15:56,476 --> 00:15:58,475
See, I felt like we
had a connection, too.
440
00:15:58,476 --> 00:16:01,425
You know, I don't know if you
ever get that feeling like,
441
00:16:01,426 --> 00:16:03,442
I don't know, like maybe
I could marry this woman.
442
00:16:03,443 --> 00:16:05,400
Oh, God.
443
00:16:05,401 --> 00:16:07,468
Is there a woman in that bathroom
444
00:16:07,471 --> 00:16:09,387
being harmed?
445
00:16:09,388 --> 00:16:10,421
No.
446
00:16:10,422 --> 00:16:12,399
I don't buy it.
Get out of the way.
447
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:13,468
I was trained for this.
448
00:16:15,426 --> 00:16:17,392
Now you're gonna get
the Bearcl...
449
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:18,404
Jess?
450
00:16:18,405 --> 00:16:19,404
Hi, Bearclaw.
451
00:16:19,405 --> 00:16:20,426
I thought you were sick.
452
00:16:20,427 --> 00:16:22,437
I'm feeling better.
453
00:16:22,438 --> 00:16:24,412
Why are you... if you're sick,
454
00:16:24,413 --> 00:16:28,404
why are nothing
but your breasts covered, Jess?
455
00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:30,433
Are you a doctor, is that why?
456
00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:32,446
Are you a doc... is he a doctor?
457
00:16:32,447 --> 00:16:34,426
- Do you know these guys, Katie?
- Who's Katie?
458
00:16:34,429 --> 00:16:36,467
What is going on in... Jess?
459
00:16:36,468 --> 00:16:38,468
- No, Nick.
- I... Katie?
460
00:16:38,471 --> 00:16:42,388
What is happening?!
461
00:16:45,447 --> 00:16:46,475
Liar! You...
462
00:16:46,476 --> 00:16:48,396
Liar!
463
00:16:48,397 --> 00:16:50,446
I'm sorry, Bearclaw,
but I meant Nick
464
00:16:50,447 --> 00:16:52,379
to give my number to Andy.
465
00:16:52,380 --> 00:16:53,424
Silver lining, you have
a huge fan in Nick.
466
00:16:53,425 --> 00:16:55,395
She's not good enough
for you, Bearclaw.
467
00:16:55,396 --> 00:16:56,440
None of these people
are good enough for you.
468
00:16:56,441 --> 00:16:57,463
And, Sam, I'm sorry I stole you
469
00:16:57,464 --> 00:17:00,400
from real Katie,
but ugh, look at you.
470
00:17:00,401 --> 00:17:01,442
- He's so handsome.
- Very handsome.
471
00:17:01,443 --> 00:17:02,440
I'm only human.
472
00:17:02,441 --> 00:17:03,449
You know what, Bearclaw?
473
00:17:03,450 --> 00:17:04,463
I would have take you
to the bathroom,
474
00:17:04,464 --> 00:17:05,472
- big guy.
- He would've.
475
00:17:05,475 --> 00:17:07,396
You guys are terrible people.
476
00:17:07,397 --> 00:17:09,388
- I want to die.
- Hey, hold on a second.
477
00:17:09,389 --> 00:17:11,386
Everyone just calm down.
Are you really a dancer?
478
00:17:11,387 --> 00:17:12,459
- Are you an idiot, Sam?
- Yes!
479
00:17:12,462 --> 00:17:14,441
Did I tell a lie? I did.
480
00:17:14,442 --> 00:17:16,400
But in my defense,
481
00:17:16,401 --> 00:17:18,383
I'm off the grid.
482
00:17:18,384 --> 00:17:19,442
We're all off the grid.
Hey, hey,
483
00:17:19,443 --> 00:17:21,379
we are all off the grid.
484
00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:23,463
Every single one of us,
especially you, handsome.
485
00:17:23,464 --> 00:17:25,463
- I loved you!
- I think that's
486
00:17:25,466 --> 00:17:27,387
a little bit of an exaggeration.
487
00:17:27,388 --> 00:17:29,378
You're gonna tell him
how he feels after everything
488
00:17:29,379 --> 00:17:30,447
- you've just done?
- Why don't you shut up, Andy?
489
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:32,451
- Yeah, shut up, Andy.
- What is this, recess? Come on.
490
00:17:32,454 --> 00:17:34,451
- Shut up. - Shut up.
- Shut up, Andy!
491
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,426
Nick.
492
00:17:38,380 --> 00:17:39,383
It's time.
493
00:17:39,384 --> 00:17:40,471
Good-bye.
494
00:17:40,472 --> 00:17:42,400
No, no, Nick.
495
00:17:42,401 --> 00:17:43,426
Old Nick, don't go!
496
00:17:43,427 --> 00:17:45,401
Nick!
497
00:17:45,404 --> 00:17:46,437
Nick, wait.
498
00:17:46,438 --> 00:17:48,383
Please.
499
00:17:48,384 --> 00:17:50,412
There's so much more
I need to ask you.
500
00:17:50,413 --> 00:17:51,453
I got to get back.
501
00:17:51,454 --> 00:17:53,416
Why do I need
to apologize to Jess?
502
00:17:53,417 --> 00:17:54,438
What did I do wrong?
503
00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:59,379
Make her an old-fashioned.
504
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:11,467
Beep, beep, beep.
Beep, beep, beep.
505
00:18:11,468 --> 00:18:14,400
Beep, boop,
ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.
506
00:18:14,401 --> 00:18:17,383
Beep, beep, boop, beep,
ba, ba, ba, beep.
507
00:18:17,384 --> 00:18:18,401
Beep, beep, boop, boop, boo.
508
00:18:22,426 --> 00:18:23,472
I believed you.
509
00:18:24,473 --> 00:18:26,417
Olde England.
510
00:18:26,418 --> 00:18:29,462
Have a good trip, man.
511
00:18:29,463 --> 00:18:31,447
- When I was a kid,
- Yeah.
512
00:18:31,450 --> 00:18:33,383
Watching MTV,
513
00:18:33,384 --> 00:18:35,425
I thought that if I
played my cards right,
514
00:18:35,426 --> 00:18:37,395
I could grow up to
be Jenny McCarthy.
515
00:18:37,396 --> 00:18:38,457
Jenny McCarthy? You?
516
00:18:38,458 --> 00:18:39,468
Don't make that face.
517
00:18:39,469 --> 00:18:41,441
She was so beautiful
518
00:18:41,442 --> 00:18:43,475
with all that swearing,
but you know what?
519
00:18:43,476 --> 00:18:45,421
I'm not Jenny McCarthy.
520
00:18:45,422 --> 00:18:47,379
I know that now.
521
00:18:47,380 --> 00:18:48,468
- I'm back on the grid, Nick.
- You know,
522
00:18:48,471 --> 00:18:50,417
I always wanted
to be Kurt Loder.
523
00:18:50,418 --> 00:18:52,429
Kurt Loder? He
never even went to
524
00:18:52,430 --> 00:18:55,379
the Spring Break House.
He was stuck in New York, talking to Pearl Jam.
525
00:18:55,380 --> 00:18:57,417
He is the elder statesman
of our generation.
526
00:18:57,418 --> 00:18:59,409
Why are you making me a drink?
You never bring work home.
527
00:18:59,410 --> 00:19:01,409
All right, this is gonna
sound really weird,
528
00:19:02,410 --> 00:19:04,467
but in the future I might
do something really bad to you,
529
00:19:04,468 --> 00:19:05,472
and I hope you'll forgive me.
530
00:19:07,405 --> 00:19:09,425
Do you like old-fashioneds,
Jess?
531
00:19:09,426 --> 00:19:11,429
I've actually always
wanted to try one.
532
00:19:11,430 --> 00:19:12,463
How did you know?
533
00:19:21,463 --> 00:19:22,408
What are you gonna do to me?
534
00:19:22,909 --> 00:19:23,762
I don't know.
535
00:19:24,463 --> 00:19:25,829
But it could be bad.
536
00:19:26,730 --> 00:19:29,467
Like me getting drunk
and peeing in your closet
537
00:19:29,468 --> 00:19:30,433
on all your pretty dresses.
538
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:34,779
I forgive you.
539
00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:39,468
Imagine all that pee
on your pretty dresses, Jess.
540
00:19:40,219 --> 00:19:42,171
I still forgive you.
541
00:19:42,172 --> 00:19:44,175
Hey.
542
00:19:44,176 --> 00:19:46,137
Sam, hi.
543
00:19:46,138 --> 00:19:47,171
Katie?
544
00:19:47,172 --> 00:19:49,129
Not Katie.
545
00:19:49,130 --> 00:19:52,191
Yeah, uh, I'm sorry to come
over here unannounced.
546
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:56,150
I didn't... I just
wanted to tell you
547
00:19:56,151 --> 00:20:00,154
that I don't... I don't
care that you lied to me.
548
00:20:00,155 --> 00:20:02,171
I lied, too. Half my
profile is a lie.
549
00:20:02,172 --> 00:20:06,133
I am not a shy food blogger
550
00:20:06,134 --> 00:20:10,133
who wants a destination
wedding in Scotland, okay?
551
00:20:10,134 --> 00:20:12,175
I don't open up the
more you get to know me.
552
00:20:12,176 --> 00:20:14,132
I mean, I, you
know, Internet date
553
00:20:14,133 --> 00:20:16,222
so I don't have to sleep
with people I work with.
554
00:20:16,223 --> 00:20:18,171
I do like Creed, though.
555
00:20:18,172 --> 00:20:19,212
I hate Creed.
556
00:20:19,213 --> 00:20:22,158
I don't care what you like
557
00:20:22,159 --> 00:20:24,158
or what your name is,
558
00:20:24,159 --> 00:20:27,167
or... anything about you.
559
00:20:27,168 --> 00:20:28,226
And the good news
is you don't have
560
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:31,187
to care about me either.
561
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:35,154
And we can still tear
each other apart.
562
00:20:35,155 --> 00:20:37,175
What do you think?
563
00:20:37,176 --> 00:20:39,146
You know what?
564
00:20:39,147 --> 00:20:40,203
I'm gonna say yes, I think.
565
00:20:40,204 --> 00:20:41,226
Yeah, let's do this.
566
00:20:41,227 --> 00:20:43,204
Um...
567
00:20:43,205 --> 00:20:47,212
Do we start now or later
568
00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:50,192
or now?
569
00:20:54,168 --> 00:20:56,191
Congratulations.
I see you've met the one.
570
00:20:56,192 --> 00:20:58,176
Watch out for the wall.
571
00:21:07,222 --> 00:21:09,221
♪ Yeah, that's right, this cut ♪
572
00:21:09,222 --> 00:21:11,197
♪ Goes out to all y'all
that's been ♪
573
00:21:11,198 --> 00:21:13,221
♪ Missing us for mad years,
one love, yo ♪
574
00:21:13,222 --> 00:21:15,225
♪ Yeah, that's right,
he's got game ♪
575
00:21:15,226 --> 00:21:18,187
♪ PE, 1998.
It might feel good ♪
576
00:21:18,188 --> 00:21:20,187
♪ It might sound
a little something ♪
577
00:21:20,188 --> 00:21:23,129
♪ But damn the game
if it don't mean nothing... ♪
578
00:21:23,130 --> 00:21:24,200
You ready, ma?
579
00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:28,187
'Cause I'm about
to dribble this hard
580
00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:31,196
all the way to the hole.
581
00:21:31,197 --> 00:21:32,201
Come on, Schmidty.
582
00:21:32,202 --> 00:21:35,201
All right, let's do this.
Come on, ma.
583
00:21:35,702 --> 00:21:40,201
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com