1 00:00:02,626 --> 00:00:06,004 Hey, Mr. Belvedere, there's two guys outside with a giant box, 2 00:00:06,065 --> 00:00:08,076 and it's got "happy birthday" written all over it. 3 00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:09,693 There it is. 4 00:00:09,776 --> 00:00:10,858 Hey, guys. 5 00:00:11,059 --> 00:00:13,095 Pay up, gentlemen. She's sitting on the couch. 6 00:00:13,144 --> 00:00:13,928 Yeah, right, you won. 7 00:00:13,959 --> 00:00:15,078 - Let me get a four. - Mm-hmm. 8 00:00:15,092 --> 00:00:17,076 TGIF marathon tonight. 9 00:00:17,128 --> 00:00:18,823 - What? - I can't take this any more. 10 00:00:18,878 --> 00:00:20,110 What is happening? 11 00:00:20,147 --> 00:00:21,624 I've actually been working on something. 12 00:00:21,682 --> 00:00:24,229 A résumé, maybe? 13 00:00:26,404 --> 00:00:29,761 (A  la Steve Urkel) Did I do that? 14 00:00:31,241 --> 00:00:33,041 I'm sorry. Did you just say you were working on that? 15 00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:35,188 - It's Urkel! - Urkel? 16 00:00:35,316 --> 00:00:36,601 Urkel. 17 00:00:36,626 --> 00:00:37,970 Urkel, Jess? 18 00:00:37,995 --> 00:00:39,651 - It's funny. - Okay, look, 19 00:00:39,682 --> 00:00:42,799 It is perfectly fine to watch TV all day. 20 00:00:42,824 --> 00:00:43,912 - No, it is not. - No, it's not. 21 00:00:43,930 --> 00:00:45,162 - But Urkel?! - Come on. 22 00:00:45,188 --> 00:00:47,295 Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel. 23 00:00:47,313 --> 00:00:50,034 Guys, that's crazy. This is objectively hilarious. 24 00:00:50,096 --> 00:00:53,109 - I can do any character from an '80s sitcom. Quiz me. - No. 25 00:00:53,189 --> 00:00:56,924 Oh, Alf, don't eat the cat! 26 00:00:57,342 --> 00:01:01,572 Get out of the city, Cousin Larry Appleton. 27 00:01:01,963 --> 00:01:04,633 - I'm Frasier Crane. - No! 28 00:01:04,879 --> 00:01:07,667 Jess, the men in suits here, the professionals, 29 00:01:07,686 --> 00:01:09,749 - would like to know what the plan is. - I'm a professional, too, pal. 30 00:01:09,766 --> 00:01:10,913 You're not. Please, you work in a bar. 31 00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,358 It's a whole different thing. I respect you. Just, please. 32 00:01:12,376 --> 00:01:15,270 I don't know what the plan is, Schmidt, 33 00:01:15,925 --> 00:01:18,364 but I love working at the Casserole Shanty. 34 00:01:18,397 --> 00:01:20,467 Today I got a locker, and in 18 months, 35 00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:22,805 I'm gonna roll into some sweet dental coverage. 36 00:01:22,835 --> 00:01:24,832 So, yeah, my job pretty much rules. 37 00:01:26,142 --> 00:01:28,255 Low on bean! Low on bean! 38 00:01:28,287 --> 00:01:31,299 I'm low on bean! 39 00:01:31,733 --> 00:01:33,439 I'm good on bean! 40 00:01:33,474 --> 00:01:35,352 Would you like to know what I did at my job all day today? 41 00:01:35,370 --> 00:01:37,331 - Don't say "crushed it." - I'm gonna go with "crushed it." 42 00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:39,296 Funny enough, uh, I crushed it. 43 00:01:39,341 --> 00:01:42,402 I crushed it all day today, and then I crushed it some more. 44 00:01:42,434 --> 00:01:43,654 And then it asked me what I was doing, 45 00:01:43,685 --> 00:01:45,860 and I told it that I was crushing it. 46 00:01:45,934 --> 00:01:48,603 That's what I do on a daily basis, Jess. 47 00:01:48,645 --> 00:01:50,351 You used to inspire me. 48 00:01:50,388 --> 00:01:52,120 I mean, not specifically-- 49 00:01:52,176 --> 00:01:54,420 because I find teaching to be icky-- but, you know, 50 00:01:54,445 --> 00:01:56,461 in a vague kind of "Look at that go-getter in a... 51 00:01:56,513 --> 00:01:58,355 in a brightly colored sweater" kind of way. 52 00:01:58,379 --> 00:02:01,393 What happened to the inspiring, visor-less Jess? 53 00:02:01,418 --> 00:02:03,322 Hey, maybe that's her. 54 00:02:05,196 --> 00:02:08,089 Hey, we just moved in across the hall. 55 00:02:08,133 --> 00:02:09,665 I'm Chaz. 56 00:02:09,786 --> 00:02:11,942 This is Fife, Sutton and Brorie. 57 00:02:11,989 --> 00:02:13,510 What's up? Schmidt. 58 00:02:16,921 --> 00:02:18,961 Any-turds, just wanted to give you a heads up 59 00:02:18,986 --> 00:02:20,990 that we're having some people over to hang tonight 60 00:02:21,014 --> 00:02:23,475 - and it might get a little loud. - I like where your head is at. 61 00:02:23,499 --> 00:02:25,169 We're gonna be there with bells on. 62 00:02:25,198 --> 00:02:27,247 Dolla-dolla bells, y'all. 63 00:02:31,070 --> 00:02:33,433 Well, it's just going to be a bunch of young people. 64 00:02:34,787 --> 00:02:35,681 So... 65 00:02:35,712 --> 00:02:37,787 Hi. I live here, too. 66 00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:39,490 What are you names? Schmidt! 67 00:02:39,508 --> 00:02:41,806 - d Who's that girl? d -d Who's that girl? d 68 00:02:41,837 --> 00:02:44,403 2x04 Neighbors 69 00:02:44,404 --> 00:02:45,746 So, when he said, 70 00:02:45,825 --> 00:02:47,852 "It's just going to be a bunch of young people," 71 00:02:48,503 --> 00:02:50,022 well, he must have meant, "You," 72 00:02:50,053 --> 00:02:52,684 meaning me, fellow young person, 73 00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:53,743 "You'll feel right at home. 74 00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:57,059 And you two walking corpses, stay away." 75 00:02:57,096 --> 00:02:59,390 You're six months younger than me, Schmidt. 76 00:02:59,419 --> 00:03:01,418 - You're a corpse for sure. - Behold. 77 00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:05,096 This actuarial table stops at age 99. 78 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,089 But if you track my current trajectory, 79 00:03:07,134 --> 00:03:09,991 I'm clearly gonna live till I'm 123 years old, so... 80 00:03:10,197 --> 00:03:12,199 Hello, robot sex. 81 00:03:12,353 --> 00:03:13,216 Is this accurate? 82 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,760 No, no, no, Winston, I spend $49.95 a month 83 00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:17,791 on a subscription to an inaccurate 84 00:03:17,817 --> 00:03:19,523 real-time actuarial service. 85 00:03:19,542 --> 00:03:21,198 Then I think I may have died four years ago. 86 00:03:21,222 --> 00:03:22,901 Oh, yeah? That sucks. 87 00:03:22,938 --> 00:03:28,295 "African-American male, life expectancy: 67 years"? 88 00:03:28,336 --> 00:03:29,185 Sounds about right. 89 00:03:29,197 --> 00:03:30,714 "Minus one year if you frequently question 90 00:03:30,738 --> 00:03:32,164 your career choice." Check. 91 00:03:32,188 --> 00:03:33,877 "Minus one year if your chosen field offers 92 00:03:33,903 --> 00:03:35,831 few opportunities for advancement." 93 00:03:35,868 --> 00:03:37,507 Check and double check. 94 00:03:37,539 --> 00:03:38,846 I like getting older. 95 00:03:38,877 --> 00:03:41,652 I feel like I'm finally aging into my personality. 96 00:03:45,113 --> 00:03:47,691 Keep this crap out of my yard! 97 00:03:48,792 --> 00:03:51,778 And turn that nonsense down! 98 00:03:52,653 --> 00:03:54,978 They never did get that Frisbee back. 99 00:03:55,047 --> 00:03:57,784 - I used that Frisbee as a dish. Seriously? 100 00:03:57,827 --> 00:04:00,333 - I used it for pistachios in my room. - Not only am I the 101 00:04:00,364 --> 00:04:03,096 youngest person in this loft, I'm also the most successful. 102 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:05,804 - Oh! Shut up, Schmidt. - Are you honestly measuring yourself like a little boy? 103 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,966 I'm sorry that you're not growing any more like me. 104 00:04:07,991 --> 00:04:09,854 And apparently, I'm gonna be growing forever. 105 00:04:09,892 --> 00:04:12,460 I'm like a Jewish Peter Pan. Petya Pan. 106 00:04:12,510 --> 00:04:14,673 Petter Pan. Pesach Pan. 107 00:04:14,691 --> 00:04:16,873 Why don't you take it down a notch before this old man 108 00:04:16,897 --> 00:04:18,553 takes you outside and makes you pick a switch? 109 00:04:18,568 --> 00:04:21,386 - I'm like Snow Leopard. You guys are like DOS. - And as your elder, 110 00:04:21,405 --> 00:04:23,986 - Can I give you a little advice, Schmidt? Can we talk for a sec? - Sure. Yes, yes. 111 00:04:24,004 --> 00:04:27,348 - 'Cause you've kind of gotten under my skin a little bit. - Shoot, Gran Torino. 112 00:04:34,351 --> 00:04:36,157 I'm gonna die so soon. 113 00:04:36,994 --> 00:04:38,959 Do you think that the neighbors will want, like, 114 00:04:38,991 --> 00:04:40,351 four individual casseroles 115 00:04:40,377 --> 00:04:42,339 or, like, one large party-size casserole? 116 00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:43,691 Yes, Jess, that's exactly 117 00:04:43,709 --> 00:04:46,496 what hip, trendy millennials casserole. 118 00:04:46,518 --> 00:04:48,895 Now come on, guys, just tighten up, all right? 119 00:04:48,949 --> 00:04:51,878 - Think young. What the hell is that smell? - It's Old Spice. 120 00:04:51,906 --> 00:04:53,488 - I'm smelling Old Spice? - Yeah, and yes, 121 00:04:53,519 --> 00:04:55,599 It has "Old" in the title, and yes, it's all over my body. 122 00:04:55,617 --> 00:04:57,590 - Okay, well, take it off. - I'm wearing the Spice. The Spice is cool. 123 00:04:57,609 --> 00:04:59,365 It's not even a real spice, man. Take it off. 124 00:04:59,396 --> 00:05:00,721 The Spice is coming back! Everybody knows it! 125 00:05:00,744 --> 00:05:01,857 The guy on the horse! 126 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:03,143 You can wear any spice. Don't wear Old Spice! 127 00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:04,731 Classic cologne fight. 128 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:08,321 - Guys! - Shh! 129 00:05:09,381 --> 00:05:10,738 Hi. 130 00:05:11,114 --> 00:05:13,177 Zander and Raj went to Pate's thing, 131 00:05:13,247 --> 00:05:15,485 so tonight's been notched down to a "chill hang." 132 00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:17,463 Cool. 133 00:05:17,808 --> 00:05:19,259 - I'll just put these... - Oh. 134 00:05:19,321 --> 00:05:21,246 Thanks for having us. 135 00:05:22,212 --> 00:05:23,757 No, can't do this. 136 00:05:23,796 --> 00:05:25,746 - What is up? - Have fun, kids. 137 00:05:25,849 --> 00:05:27,593 Party hip-hop. What's going on, kids? 138 00:05:27,626 --> 00:05:28,832 Let's party. 139 00:05:29,199 --> 00:05:30,830 What are you guys doing, huh? What is that? 140 00:05:30,887 --> 00:05:32,918 Is that Top Gun? Oh, look at that. 141 00:05:32,943 --> 00:05:35,094 Look at Anthony Eds, the "Goose" man. 142 00:05:35,112 --> 00:05:37,628 Unbelievable that he dies in a few scenes. 143 00:05:37,649 --> 00:05:38,669 Goose dies? 144 00:05:38,689 --> 00:05:40,650 Not cool, man. 145 00:05:40,751 --> 00:05:42,504 No, it's... Look, nobody does an onscreen death 146 00:05:42,528 --> 00:05:43,785 like Anthony Eds. 147 00:05:43,810 --> 00:05:46,092 He's like the Hilary Swank of bald men. 148 00:05:47,209 --> 00:05:48,665 He's like the Hilary Swank of bald... 149 00:05:48,699 --> 00:05:50,113 Hold everything. 150 00:05:50,237 --> 00:05:51,782 Is that Cass Shant? 151 00:05:51,813 --> 00:05:54,144 Casserole Shanty? That's where I work. 152 00:05:54,183 --> 00:05:56,671 Your chicken-broccoli totally fuels my night bikes. 153 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,471 I'm very happy to help. 154 00:05:58,508 --> 00:06:01,688 - Some of my friends don't appreciate it. - No. 155 00:06:01,717 --> 00:06:03,708 You're just figuring it out, just like us. 156 00:06:03,859 --> 00:06:05,152 - Yeah. - Yeah. 157 00:06:05,177 --> 00:06:07,010 I am figuring it out. 158 00:06:07,138 --> 00:06:08,694 Thank you, Brorie. I am. 159 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,439 I'm just figuring it out, and that's okay. 160 00:06:11,770 --> 00:06:12,690 What do you guys do? 161 00:06:12,721 --> 00:06:13,864 - I work at home. - I'm a DJ. - Well... 162 00:06:13,884 --> 00:06:15,152 Was I unclear about my night bikes? 163 00:06:15,182 --> 00:06:17,678 I work for a single-national corporation 164 00:06:17,703 --> 00:06:19,841 called Associated Strategies. 165 00:06:19,875 --> 00:06:20,861 Moo... 166 00:06:21,855 --> 00:06:22,883 - Oh, moo... - I know. Yeah. 167 00:06:22,884 --> 00:06:25,368 Totally, Fife. I get that. 168 00:06:25,455 --> 00:06:27,454 Moo... 169 00:06:27,481 --> 00:06:31,263 Moo...! 170 00:06:32,156 --> 00:06:33,273 Right? That's a thing, right? 171 00:06:33,301 --> 00:06:34,426 Yeah? Moo? 172 00:06:34,457 --> 00:06:36,570 Schmidt, you don't know... 173 00:06:37,660 --> 00:06:39,643 Jess. 174 00:06:40,494 --> 00:06:43,919 (A  la Steve Urkel): Did I do that? 175 00:06:48,210 --> 00:06:49,683 How did you just come up with that? 176 00:06:49,704 --> 00:06:50,716 Where did you get that? 177 00:06:50,755 --> 00:06:51,764 It just came to me. 178 00:06:51,852 --> 00:06:53,804 Where did that come from? 179 00:06:53,837 --> 00:06:54,858 I just thought of it. 180 00:06:55,209 --> 00:06:57,009 That's how she casseroles! 181 00:06:57,043 --> 00:06:59,022 What? 182 00:07:05,710 --> 00:07:07,205 Hey, Nana, Pop-Pop. 183 00:07:07,312 --> 00:07:09,036 You missed an unreal hang last night. 184 00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:10,811 Unreal with a capital "uh." 185 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:11,572 Really? 186 00:07:11,603 --> 00:07:14,255 Those kids with the found furniture 187 00:07:14,286 --> 00:07:16,288 and no TV because it's cool? 188 00:07:16,363 --> 00:07:17,774 It's a different world over there. 189 00:07:17,823 --> 00:07:20,534 A world where it's okay to only have a part-time job. 190 00:07:20,562 --> 00:07:23,158 A world where it's okay that I'm still finding myself. 191 00:07:23,189 --> 00:07:26,727 A world where I have not one, but two catchphrases. 192 00:07:27,951 --> 00:07:29,903 $500. 193 00:07:30,276 --> 00:07:31,771 (A  la Stephanie Tanner): How rude! 194 00:07:33,434 --> 00:07:34,717 How rude! 195 00:07:35,301 --> 00:07:36,716 Just take it! 196 00:07:36,773 --> 00:07:38,373 They think I made those up. 197 00:07:38,490 --> 00:07:40,938 There's just one tiny hitch. 198 00:07:42,387 --> 00:07:44,115 It's very awkward, and I don't know how to say it... 199 00:07:44,134 --> 00:07:44,990 They hate Schmidt. 200 00:07:45,022 --> 00:07:47,309 So much. How did you know? 201 00:07:47,340 --> 00:07:49,890 If I had a dollar for everybody I couldn't hang out with 202 00:07:49,933 --> 00:07:52,031 because they hated Schmidt, I'd be rich. 203 00:07:52,126 --> 00:07:55,408 Like, fill my gas tank all the way up rich. 204 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,190 He was all over the map. 205 00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:59,558 He spent 20 minutes talking about aioli. 206 00:07:59,602 --> 00:08:01,023 Don't worry about it. I'm on it. 207 00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:02,618 What do you mean, you're on it? 208 00:08:03,241 --> 00:08:05,331 You're gonna prank him, aren't you? I-I knew it! 209 00:08:05,362 --> 00:08:06,806 I knew it! You're gonna prank him. Hey, 210 00:08:06,892 --> 00:08:08,612 can I help you? I'm really good with pranks? 211 00:08:08,649 --> 00:08:09,817 You may not help with the pranks. 212 00:08:09,848 --> 00:08:11,525 Why not, man? I'm the best with the pranks, man. 213 00:08:11,563 --> 00:08:14,426 - They call me "Prank Sinatra." - No, you call you Prank Sinatra. 214 00:08:14,451 --> 00:08:16,410 - Oh, come... 'Cause I am. - Winston, you're the worst 215 00:08:16,439 --> 00:08:17,505 at pranks in the whole world. 216 00:08:17,542 --> 00:08:19,024 - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are! 217 00:08:19,092 --> 00:08:21,284 You either go way too small... 218 00:08:22,410 --> 00:08:23,392 Hey. 219 00:08:23,468 --> 00:08:26,203 Let's pour a little juice near her shoe. 220 00:08:26,543 --> 00:08:28,149 ...Or you go way too big. 221 00:08:28,729 --> 00:08:32,439 Hey, let's hit her in the throat with a ski. 222 00:08:32,957 --> 00:08:35,499 You don't have a pranking sweet spot. 223 00:08:36,643 --> 00:08:38,105 Speaking of... 224 00:08:40,062 --> 00:08:41,874 - Are you limping? - My hip is achy. 225 00:08:41,907 --> 00:08:44,348 I wonder if it's your shoes. Did you try different shoes? 226 00:08:44,381 --> 00:08:46,237 I try on four different pairs of shoes with every outfit, 227 00:08:46,255 --> 00:08:48,246 rain or shine. You know that. 228 00:08:48,507 --> 00:08:49,527 What did you do? 229 00:08:49,684 --> 00:08:51,675 Well, he could try on 100 different pairs. 230 00:08:51,707 --> 00:08:53,190 It's not going to matter. 231 00:08:53,359 --> 00:08:55,784 The left heel is an eighth of an inch shorter 232 00:08:55,825 --> 00:08:56,841 on every single pair. 233 00:08:58,547 --> 00:09:00,310 This is so crazy, Nick. 234 00:09:00,341 --> 00:09:01,876 Oh, my God, you know what we should do? 235 00:09:01,907 --> 00:09:03,458 We should take those shavings, 236 00:09:03,546 --> 00:09:06,540 and then sprinkle them by his car. 237 00:09:07,035 --> 00:09:08,388 Let me just get this clear. 238 00:09:08,431 --> 00:09:10,384 - Take the little bit of dust - Yeah, 'cause... 239 00:09:10,445 --> 00:09:14,245 - And go outside and put it near his car? - Yes. 240 00:09:14,281 --> 00:09:15,811 - That's not a prank. - Yes, it is. 241 00:09:15,865 --> 00:09:17,031 That's just kind of littering. 242 00:09:17,062 --> 00:09:18,662 - His whole ride to work, - Okay, you're done. 243 00:09:18,693 --> 00:09:20,631 He'd be thinking, like, "What?" 244 00:09:20,789 --> 00:09:21,822 So we're pranking him 245 00:09:21,835 --> 00:09:24,714 so he thinks while we're not around, "What?" 246 00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:26,239 It's too small. 247 00:09:26,283 --> 00:09:28,080 You've got to go bigger than that. 248 00:09:28,105 --> 00:09:29,176 Well, anyway, 249 00:09:29,213 --> 00:09:31,572 - I got to fill this up with pee. - Ew! Why? 250 00:09:31,591 --> 00:09:33,106 So I can pour it all over Schmidt's bed 251 00:09:33,131 --> 00:09:34,552 and make him think he's incontinent. 252 00:09:34,589 --> 00:09:35,783 That's disgusting, Nick. 253 00:09:35,811 --> 00:09:38,805 Hey, sometimes up close, art is ugly. 254 00:09:40,231 --> 00:09:41,226 I got an idea. 255 00:09:41,252 --> 00:09:44,077 Instead of urine, we use acid. 256 00:09:44,115 --> 00:09:46,252 And put it on his face! 257 00:09:46,304 --> 00:09:48,275 All right? 258 00:09:50,647 --> 00:09:52,641 Jess, do these pants seem long to you? 259 00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:54,822 Nick picked them up from the dry cleaner for me today, 260 00:09:54,842 --> 00:09:57,355 and I don't know, I swear they seem longer. 261 00:09:57,392 --> 00:09:58,874 I think your pants look fine. 262 00:09:58,910 --> 00:10:01,099 Okay, Jess, tonight, you're obviously gonna want 263 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:01,949 to follow my lead. 264 00:10:01,982 --> 00:10:03,640 I don't know how to tell you this... 265 00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:06,921 Um, they hate you. 266 00:10:06,972 --> 00:10:07,828 That's crazy. 267 00:10:07,866 --> 00:10:11,170 It is crazy... how much they hate you. 268 00:10:11,207 --> 00:10:12,831 Watch. Every time you say something, 269 00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,844 they're gonna change the subject immediately. 270 00:10:14,889 --> 00:10:16,627 That's how you tell if people hate you. 271 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,648 I'm pretty sure I know how to crush it with the kids. 272 00:10:20,715 --> 00:10:21,830 Watch this. 273 00:10:21,853 --> 00:10:22,861 Hey, guys. 274 00:10:23,731 --> 00:10:24,778 What up, yo? 275 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,906 Throw your damn hands up. We hanging out tonight? 276 00:10:27,792 --> 00:10:29,168 Jess, I love your hair. 277 00:10:29,187 --> 00:10:30,640 - It is so good today. - Yeah! 278 00:10:30,660 --> 00:10:31,831 Thank you! 279 00:10:31,858 --> 00:10:33,608 - Flowy. - Yes. - Really curly. 280 00:10:33,637 --> 00:10:34,871 What do you guys think about the length 281 00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:37,846 of my sideburns? It's new. Daring or gauche? 282 00:10:40,034 --> 00:10:41,797 I got my plane ticket home for Easter. 283 00:10:41,825 --> 00:10:43,097 Thank you for reminding me, Jess. 284 00:10:43,125 --> 00:10:44,327 Yeah. No, of course. 285 00:10:44,345 --> 00:10:45,833 I've got, like, a little calendar thing. 286 00:10:45,863 --> 00:10:47,828 You know, I've got a great, um... 287 00:10:47,870 --> 00:10:52,233 I've got a great plane ticket guy that you... 288 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,100 We're having another hang tonight Jess. 289 00:10:54,165 --> 00:10:56,425 Got some chokes, hula hoops, sitar. You should come over. 290 00:10:56,450 --> 00:10:58,189 - Yeah! - Yeah, no, like, that's the best idea. 291 00:10:58,219 --> 00:10:59,453 Totally. 292 00:11:09,556 --> 00:11:11,581 You, too, Schmidt. 293 00:11:17,846 --> 00:11:20,252 Oh, hey, I got to... I got to take this. 294 00:11:21,620 --> 00:11:24,095 Ferguson? Is that you? 295 00:11:24,165 --> 00:11:25,632 Yeah, t-tonight? 296 00:11:25,663 --> 00:11:28,207 Well, I mean... 297 00:11:28,322 --> 00:11:29,710 I made plans with... 298 00:11:30,155 --> 00:11:31,102 Well, look, 299 00:11:31,132 --> 00:11:33,727 if that's the comptroller's time line, then... 300 00:11:33,837 --> 00:11:35,843 that's the comptroller's time line. 301 00:11:35,888 --> 00:11:36,825 Well, hell, yes, 302 00:11:36,878 --> 00:11:38,697 send a car! 303 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,729 Jess, do you want to hula-hoop with me 304 00:11:41,756 --> 00:11:42,966 all night-slash-forever? 305 00:11:46,241 --> 00:11:48,252 Oh, gosh. 306 00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:50,358 They hate me. 307 00:11:55,524 --> 00:11:57,750 Man, I've never seen you work this hard at anything, ever. 308 00:11:57,787 --> 00:11:59,321 That's because I care so much. 309 00:11:59,436 --> 00:12:02,417 I set an alarm for 5:00 a.m. 310 00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,936 so I could switch Schmidt's fiber pills with placebos. 311 00:12:04,967 --> 00:12:06,178 Damn it, I want to care about something 312 00:12:06,228 --> 00:12:08,197 as much as you care about ruining Schmidt's life. 313 00:12:08,290 --> 00:12:10,332 And where have you been all night, young lady? 314 00:12:10,365 --> 00:12:12,881 Jumping around to your hippity-hop? 315 00:12:13,168 --> 00:12:16,352 Taking your drug pills and smoking your hash stick? 316 00:12:16,466 --> 00:12:18,329 I'm actually asking-- I'm not doing a thing right here. 317 00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:20,340 Those guys are so much fun. 318 00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:22,623 Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been up 319 00:12:22,637 --> 00:12:27,011 for 48 hours, so I'm gonna just sleep off an ass-ton of quinoa. 320 00:12:27,041 --> 00:12:29,464 No, there's no time for sleep! Guys, here's what we got to do. 321 00:12:29,486 --> 00:12:31,579 We got to find the passion that we have in life, 322 00:12:31,654 --> 00:12:32,871 and we got to hold on to it. 323 00:12:32,896 --> 00:12:34,234 - You're so right. - Just like-- 324 00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:36,246 I can't believe I'm saying this-- 325 00:12:36,329 --> 00:12:37,316 just like Nick Miller. 326 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:38,456 Why, look at that. 327 00:12:38,487 --> 00:12:40,280 I've never been an inspiration before. 328 00:12:40,358 --> 00:12:42,027 I don't like it. It's too much responsibility. 329 00:12:42,055 --> 00:12:44,045 Ooh, ay-ay-ay. 330 00:12:44,340 --> 00:12:46,334 I am cons-to-the-pizzo. 331 00:12:46,365 --> 00:12:47,364 Hmm? 332 00:12:48,191 --> 00:12:49,347 Constipated. 333 00:12:49,406 --> 00:12:51,219 I'm constipated. 334 00:12:51,509 --> 00:12:53,109 Surprising. 335 00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,379 Here, sit down, relax, watch some TV. 336 00:12:55,869 --> 00:12:57,373 What's the chair doing over here? 337 00:12:57,456 --> 00:12:59,269 Just moved it. 338 00:12:59,551 --> 00:13:03,256 Oh... gosh. 339 00:13:05,761 --> 00:13:07,580 Turn it down, man! Turn it down! 340 00:13:07,623 --> 00:13:09,301 - Turn it... What? - It's too loud! 341 00:13:09,329 --> 00:13:11,944 Schmidt, you're blasting the TV, you maniac! 342 00:13:11,975 --> 00:13:13,007 You can hear that? 343 00:13:13,038 --> 00:13:15,426 It's blasting, Schmidt! Jess is trying to sleep! 344 00:13:15,456 --> 00:13:17,919 - You can hear this? - Uh, yes. 345 00:13:17,956 --> 00:13:19,519 Well, you know what, you were right. 346 00:13:19,605 --> 00:13:21,568 They hate me, and I know why they hate me, too. 347 00:13:21,611 --> 00:13:24,282 It's because I'm old, and they're the future of humanity, 348 00:13:24,424 --> 00:13:26,726 a pan-ethnic, pan-sexual hive mind, 349 00:13:26,757 --> 00:13:28,695 and they want nothing to do with me. 350 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,194 They're not that great, Schmidt. 351 00:13:30,238 --> 00:13:31,563 Last night, Chaz and Sutton 352 00:13:31,594 --> 00:13:33,429 - got in a fight. - A lovers' quarrel? 353 00:13:33,484 --> 00:13:34,934 Sutton and Chaz are not a couple. 354 00:13:34,952 --> 00:13:37,390 Chaz is with Fife; Brorie's with, uh... 355 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:38,946 - the other broad. - Actually, 356 00:13:38,977 --> 00:13:41,517 Brorie, Sutton and Fife are in a triad, 357 00:13:41,541 --> 00:13:42,523 and Chaz is a floater. 358 00:13:42,546 --> 00:13:44,638 They're poly-amorous? Damn it! 359 00:13:44,676 --> 00:13:46,789 Jess, you've got to help me 360 00:13:46,819 --> 00:13:49,365 - help them forget how old I am. - You're not old. 361 00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:51,178 - Then how do you explain this? - Use your legs, buddy. 362 00:13:51,215 --> 00:13:54,237 - Let me show you something. - Gonna hurt your back. 363 00:13:57,259 --> 00:13:59,710 Look at this-- I'm freaking shrinking! 364 00:13:59,767 --> 00:14:02,103 I took a photo of the wall, shrunk it down, 365 00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:03,718 made a copy at an architect's office. 366 00:14:03,743 --> 00:14:04,925 From there, it was just your basic 367 00:14:04,963 --> 00:14:06,928 spackle-and-silkscreen job. 368 00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:08,988 I don't care, but... yay. 369 00:14:09,021 --> 00:14:11,165 It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now. 370 00:14:11,186 --> 00:14:12,206 Okay. 371 00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:19,405 Jess... this is the hardest thing 372 00:14:19,431 --> 00:14:20,764 I've ever had to say. 373 00:14:21,315 --> 00:14:23,456 Please help me be cool. 374 00:14:26,212 --> 00:14:28,211 Say that one more time. 375 00:14:28,574 --> 00:14:30,748 Oh. Visor-wearing Jess, 376 00:14:30,847 --> 00:14:32,722 will you please help me be cool? 377 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:38,619 Okay, listen up, 378 00:14:38,637 --> 00:14:40,188 I got 3.5 years to live. 379 00:14:40,228 --> 00:14:42,013 I can't be an assistant any more. 380 00:14:42,032 --> 00:14:43,938 I don't want to die. I want to work. 381 00:14:43,974 --> 00:14:45,286 Honestly, I want to work here. 382 00:14:45,569 --> 00:14:47,160 But I got to follow my passion, 383 00:14:47,193 --> 00:14:50,324 much like a running back would want 384 00:14:50,693 --> 00:14:53,750 when given the ball, and in the game of life, 385 00:14:53,783 --> 00:14:55,736 this job is the pigskin. 386 00:14:55,761 --> 00:14:57,815 And damn it, I'm in the red zone! 387 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:02,723 And in summation, I feel... 388 00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:06,212 very good about what I just said. 389 00:15:06,418 --> 00:15:08,410 Hopefully, you do, too. 390 00:15:14,984 --> 00:15:17,963 Who wants to start an arcade fire? 391 00:15:19,405 --> 00:15:20,326 Schmidt. 392 00:15:20,414 --> 00:15:22,630 - What? - What are you doing? This is not 393 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:24,029 the outfit we talked about. 394 00:15:24,054 --> 00:15:26,058 - What? Rock and roll. - You way overshot it. 395 00:15:26,417 --> 00:15:28,567 Look at that. I'm being ironic. 396 00:15:28,659 --> 00:15:30,783 That's not ironic; That's just a bad pun. 397 00:15:30,802 --> 00:15:31,771 And what are you doing here? 398 00:15:31,790 --> 00:15:33,371 Your arms are hot, but your neck is cold? 399 00:15:33,401 --> 00:15:35,089 Hey, look at me. 400 00:15:35,128 --> 00:15:36,840 If you guys keep a tight core, 401 00:15:37,196 --> 00:15:39,721 you can... your burpees can look like this, too. 402 00:15:39,752 --> 00:15:41,838 When's the Olympics? Right, guys? 403 00:15:41,863 --> 00:15:43,101 I'm gonna set a PR tonight. 404 00:15:43,123 --> 00:15:44,354 Well, you know, he's not... he's not... 405 00:15:44,375 --> 00:15:46,374 Parkour. 406 00:15:47,003 --> 00:15:50,049 - Oh! - Oh! 407 00:15:50,508 --> 00:15:52,184 You got beer on her, man. 408 00:15:52,245 --> 00:15:54,294 Did I do that? 409 00:15:54,451 --> 00:15:56,147 Don't worry, my mom can throw that dress in 410 00:15:56,159 --> 00:15:58,178 with my laundry next time she's here. 411 00:15:58,431 --> 00:16:00,333 Sorry. Your mom does your laundry? 412 00:16:00,358 --> 00:16:02,377 Washer-dryer kind of freaks me out, you know? 413 00:16:02,415 --> 00:16:04,434 It's just, like, eh... 414 00:16:04,460 --> 00:16:06,135 washa-washa-washa, 415 00:16:06,161 --> 00:16:08,024 - guh-guh, guh-guh, uh-guh-guh-guh. - On the noise. 416 00:16:08,055 --> 00:16:09,218 Okay, you know what? It's fine. 417 00:16:09,250 --> 00:16:10,512 I'll-I'll wash it myself. 418 00:16:10,725 --> 00:16:12,310 - All right. - Thank you, though. 419 00:16:12,341 --> 00:16:14,342 She's so iconoclastic and modern. 420 00:16:14,369 --> 00:16:16,195 And she even got our dishwasher to work. 421 00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,465 - I remember. - You know, 422 00:16:17,490 --> 00:16:19,894 I mean, I just... it wasn't that big a deal. 423 00:16:19,925 --> 00:16:22,413 It was just... I just... I just turned it on. 424 00:16:22,464 --> 00:16:24,484 There was a button that said "on." 425 00:16:24,509 --> 00:16:27,009 It's weird how the dishwasher just lives under the counter. 426 00:16:27,034 --> 00:16:28,922 How come there's no dish-dryer? 427 00:16:28,947 --> 00:16:30,934 Or un-washer. 428 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:34,429 Oh, my God, you guys, are we the dish un-washers? 429 00:16:34,454 --> 00:16:36,267 Why don't we just move to Prague? 430 00:16:36,292 --> 00:16:37,611 I need to focus on my art. 431 00:16:37,642 --> 00:16:39,361 You can totally focus on your art in Prague. 432 00:16:39,388 --> 00:16:41,004 If we move to Prague, should I 433 00:16:41,035 --> 00:16:42,790 paint my nails black again? 434 00:16:42,828 --> 00:16:45,075 Hey, you guys, um... 435 00:16:45,224 --> 00:16:47,315 I can't hang out with you any more. 436 00:16:47,429 --> 00:16:49,358 - Why not? - Because... 437 00:16:49,386 --> 00:16:51,424 Our entire relationship's built on a lie. 438 00:16:51,456 --> 00:16:52,756 Jess, what are you talking about? 439 00:16:52,787 --> 00:16:54,799 I did not make up... 440 00:16:55,173 --> 00:16:57,404 - "Did I do that?" - Jess, please don't... 441 00:16:57,436 --> 00:16:59,420 - I have to introduce you to a... - Don't do it. 442 00:16:59,516 --> 00:17:02,775 Little, adorable African-American nerd. 443 00:17:02,806 --> 00:17:04,313 Don't press the button. Don't... 444 00:17:06,467 --> 00:17:08,117 Jess, why would you do this to us? 445 00:17:08,138 --> 00:17:10,619 Who's "Steve Urclee"? 446 00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:16,757 Jess, what the hell was that? 447 00:17:16,790 --> 00:17:18,189 You were supposed to teach me how to be cool. 448 00:17:18,209 --> 00:17:19,975 You did a terrible job. Look what I'm wearing. 449 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,830 You didn't listen to anything I said! 450 00:17:21,861 --> 00:17:23,685 I told you to stop trying so hard. 451 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,581 I will never stop trying. 452 00:17:25,616 --> 00:17:27,324 I don't care if I have to do a billion burpees. 453 00:17:27,378 --> 00:17:29,583 That is how you crush-- you never give up. 454 00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:32,243 That is the difference between me and you, Jess. 455 00:17:34,164 --> 00:17:36,289 Is that what you think? You think I just gave up? 456 00:17:36,317 --> 00:17:38,312 - Well... - I was fired, Schmidt. 457 00:17:38,378 --> 00:17:40,415 Do you think I wanted to stop teaching? 458 00:17:40,453 --> 00:17:42,372 That's why I liked hanging out with those kids-- 459 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,177 'cause they weren't judging me all the time 460 00:17:44,208 --> 00:17:46,083 for not crushing it. 461 00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:47,763 - Okay... - Do you think that I want to work 462 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,525 At the Casserole Shanty? 463 00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:52,264 Do you know what the people I work with call it? 464 00:17:52,514 --> 00:17:54,575 The Ass-erole Shanty. 465 00:17:59,197 --> 00:18:01,063 Just don't stop teaching. 466 00:18:01,878 --> 00:18:03,617 I mean, there's got to be something. 467 00:18:03,843 --> 00:18:06,402 - I don't know, driver's ed, CPR... - Uh... 468 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,424 A smile class. 469 00:18:08,556 --> 00:18:10,762 My life sucks so much right now. 470 00:18:10,912 --> 00:18:13,256 But at least I'm not 23. 471 00:18:13,324 --> 00:18:15,275 At least I own a trash can. 472 00:18:15,615 --> 00:18:17,984 At least I can legally rent a car. 473 00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:21,087 At least I don't live in a loft with three other... 474 00:18:21,292 --> 00:18:22,334 But you live with us. 475 00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:24,619 But I live you with guys. 476 00:18:26,953 --> 00:18:28,020 Jess? 477 00:18:28,749 --> 00:18:29,724 We don't care 478 00:18:29,755 --> 00:18:30,992 if you stole your catchphrase 479 00:18:31,023 --> 00:18:33,215 from some low-budget Web series. 480 00:18:33,875 --> 00:18:34,987 We still want to hang out. 481 00:18:39,736 --> 00:18:41,568 Don't trust your government, kids. 482 00:18:42,186 --> 00:18:44,337 Oh, my God, it's the old man from the stairs. 483 00:18:44,378 --> 00:18:45,429 I thought he died. 484 00:18:45,454 --> 00:18:47,279 Let's get out of here before his robe opens. 485 00:18:47,336 --> 00:18:51,331 - He's gonna get his old on you! Get out while you can! - Hey, hey, Charles, 486 00:18:51,442 --> 00:18:53,188 The decrepit thing that just walked by, 487 00:18:53,207 --> 00:18:54,792 now, that is old, okay? 488 00:18:54,829 --> 00:18:56,025 And you can hate him for being old, 489 00:18:56,050 --> 00:18:57,144 but you cannot hate me. 490 00:18:57,163 --> 00:18:58,532 We don't hate you for being old. 491 00:18:58,567 --> 00:19:02,180 We hate you 'cause you're a viciously unbearable ass-head. 492 00:19:02,741 --> 00:19:04,161 Seriously? 493 00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:06,662 That's... Come here, that's... 494 00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:09,075 Get off! Ass-head! 495 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:11,639 Ass-head! Yeah! 496 00:19:11,731 --> 00:19:13,594 - I'm not gonna drink it all. - Guys, 497 00:19:13,665 --> 00:19:15,553 I... am an ass-head. 498 00:19:15,609 --> 00:19:16,865 They don't hate me because I'm old. 499 00:19:16,890 --> 00:19:18,450 They hate me because of my personality. 500 00:19:18,477 --> 00:19:20,327 I can totally change my personality. 501 00:19:20,384 --> 00:19:23,675 Congratulations, Schmidt, that is... that's weird news. 502 00:19:24,446 --> 00:19:25,559 Ladies and gentlemen, 503 00:19:25,607 --> 00:19:28,051 you are looking at a brand-new man. 504 00:19:28,089 --> 00:19:29,351 A man who has proved 505 00:19:29,392 --> 00:19:31,827 so capable of talking about so little 506 00:19:31,877 --> 00:19:33,308 for so long... 507 00:19:33,487 --> 00:19:36,668 is now the producer of his very own 508 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,091 sports talk show. 509 00:19:38,106 --> 00:19:39,717 - No way! - What?! 510 00:19:39,741 --> 00:19:41,323 That's right. That's right. 511 00:19:41,366 --> 00:19:43,229 - Yeah, baby! - It's halftime in America! 512 00:19:43,260 --> 00:19:44,548 Man, that's amazing! 513 00:19:44,583 --> 00:19:46,185 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 514 00:19:46,246 --> 00:19:49,718 2:35 to 5:35 a.m. 515 00:19:50,201 --> 00:19:52,587 Boom! Prime time for truckers! 516 00:19:53,865 --> 00:19:55,839 - That's awesome. He's got something. - Yes. 517 00:19:56,553 --> 00:19:58,553 In other news, I just spent three days 518 00:19:58,571 --> 00:20:00,372 trying to impress people who don't own bed frames. 519 00:20:00,386 --> 00:20:01,627 Well, if it makes you feel any better, 520 00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:02,665 I spent the last three days 521 00:20:02,696 --> 00:20:04,747 pouring urine on a grown man's sheets. 522 00:20:04,772 --> 00:20:07,103 Can you imagine how much we would get done 523 00:20:07,153 --> 00:20:08,459 if we just focused our energy 524 00:20:08,486 --> 00:20:10,885 onto something a little bit more worthwhile? 525 00:20:10,935 --> 00:20:13,301 - Not to mention the money we would save. - I know. 526 00:20:13,621 --> 00:20:14,699 Wait, what money? 527 00:20:15,700 --> 00:20:17,751 I mean, I've been running the numbers on this, 528 00:20:17,859 --> 00:20:18,939 but, you know, I think I spent... 529 00:20:19,203 --> 00:20:21,359 you know, $1,200 to $1,300. 530 00:20:21,433 --> 00:20:23,071 - What?! - On these pranks, yeah. 531 00:20:23,111 --> 00:20:25,108 - What?! - And I was under-budget, so... 532 00:20:25,179 --> 00:20:26,307 Under-budget? 533 00:20:26,375 --> 00:20:28,229 What, you think fake contact lenses are free? 534 00:20:28,238 --> 00:20:29,501 - They are not, sister. - Nick, you don't 535 00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:30,645 have that kind of money. 536 00:20:30,678 --> 00:20:31,577 I know I don't. 537 00:20:31,608 --> 00:20:32,958 Where are you gonna get that from? 538 00:20:32,982 --> 00:20:34,697 Doesn't matter. I had to prank Schmidt. 539 00:20:34,777 --> 00:20:36,071 And I did. 540 00:20:37,595 --> 00:20:39,594 Holy crap. 541 00:20:39,927 --> 00:20:41,981 - I need a real job. - Yeah, you do. 542 00:20:43,457 --> 00:20:45,302 Don't you ever prank me! 543 00:20:45,650 --> 00:20:47,311 Of course. You got it. 544 00:20:47,401 --> 00:20:50,026 You'll never see it coming. 545 00:20:50,331 --> 00:20:51,981 This is like the end of a horror movie. 546 00:20:52,061 --> 00:20:53,409 Or the beginning of a pranking movie. 547 00:20:53,458 --> 00:20:54,755 There are no pranking movies. 548 00:20:54,810 --> 00:20:57,332 Yet. Get out of here. 549 00:20:57,829 --> 00:21:00,829 You'll never see it coming. 550 00:21:03,450 --> 00:21:05,181 This prescription is blurry. 551 00:21:05,291 --> 00:21:06,736 Hi, Schmidt. 552 00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:08,881 Is that you in tailored, grown-up clothing? 553 00:21:08,899 --> 00:21:10,971 Yeah. Mama's gonna ride this blazer 554 00:21:11,002 --> 00:21:13,302 - all the way to a tutoring job. - Thank goodness. 555 00:21:13,336 --> 00:21:14,992 I almost thought I was gonna have to loan you money. 556 00:21:15,017 --> 00:21:18,123 Well, I said tutoring job, not venture capitalist. 557 00:21:18,139 --> 00:21:20,164 - Proud of you nonetheless. - Thanks. 558 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,044 What the hell? 559 00:21:26,128 --> 00:21:29,489 Okay. All right, Nick, very funny. 560 00:21:29,685 --> 00:21:31,297 Quite the prankster you are. 561 00:21:31,341 --> 00:21:32,327 Ha! 562 00:21:32,597 --> 00:21:34,478 I'm gonna hit your ass with a ski! 563 00:21:34,537 --> 00:21:36,611 - Winston? - Get some. 564 00:21:37,368 --> 00:21:42,368 sync by Norther