1 00:00:02,494 --> 00:00:03,969 Nick, where do you even buy sheets like this? 2 00:00:03,994 --> 00:00:05,454 They're the thread count of a paper towel. 3 00:00:05,479 --> 00:00:06,654 Okay, I don't know what to do. 4 00:00:06,672 --> 00:00:07,711 I thought these sheets were good. 5 00:00:07,713 --> 00:00:08,710 You said these sheets were fine. 6 00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:09,973 They're fine. Relax. 7 00:00:10,025 --> 00:00:10,908 He's freaking out. 8 00:00:10,939 --> 00:00:12,338 You know, Amelia's coming in town... 9 00:00:12,357 --> 00:00:13,769 Which one of your depressing 10 00:00:13,802 --> 00:00:15,660 ex-girlfriends is Amelia? 11 00:00:15,741 --> 00:00:16,781 Freshman year. 12 00:00:16,921 --> 00:00:18,454 d You stopped in my room d 13 00:00:18,491 --> 00:00:20,522 d For no reason d 14 00:00:21,179 --> 00:00:24,004 d I was pretty cool to say "Come in" d 15 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:27,385 d You're sitting on my bed d 16 00:00:27,410 --> 00:00:29,421 d I feel like there's vibing d 17 00:00:29,447 --> 00:00:30,931 d What do I do? d 18 00:00:30,972 --> 00:00:33,233 d The sexual tension is crazy. d 19 00:00:33,314 --> 00:00:34,815 I never told her how I felt. 20 00:00:34,848 --> 00:00:36,293 And she's here for a couple days on work. 21 00:00:36,321 --> 00:00:37,413 This is my chance. 22 00:00:37,533 --> 00:00:38,765 I even got a new shirt. 23 00:00:40,425 --> 00:00:42,101 That's a cool shirt; I like that shirt. 24 00:00:42,138 --> 00:00:43,432 Yeah, look cool, man. 25 00:00:44,217 --> 00:00:45,786 You making fun of my shirt, Schmidt? 26 00:00:45,829 --> 00:00:47,130 Oh, my God! 27 00:00:47,352 --> 00:00:49,645 Jess, please stop working at the haunted house. 28 00:00:49,676 --> 00:00:50,783 It's just through the weekend. 29 00:00:50,807 --> 00:00:52,072 You all get free tickets, you know. 30 00:00:52,084 --> 00:00:53,122 Oh, no, I'm not going. 31 00:00:53,155 --> 00:00:54,020 I don't do haunted houses. 32 00:00:54,058 --> 00:00:55,533 - What? You scared? - Uh, well, 33 00:00:55,564 --> 00:00:57,996 Little kids are scared. I just don't like it. 34 00:00:58,019 --> 00:00:59,812 I got it. You look like a zombie Woody Allen. 35 00:00:59,831 --> 00:01:01,631 - Yeah. - These brains are terrible. 36 00:01:01,668 --> 00:01:03,345 And such-such small portions. 37 00:01:03,368 --> 00:01:04,970 On Christmas, I like to eat 38 00:01:05,001 --> 00:01:06,339 Chinese people's brains. 39 00:01:06,371 --> 00:01:08,343 They're the only ones that are open. 40 00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:11,763 Zombie Cristina Barcelona. 41 00:01:11,811 --> 00:01:13,049 Yeah, I have nothing to add to this. 42 00:01:13,097 --> 00:01:14,702 I'm gonna be home late tonight, you guys. 43 00:01:14,739 --> 00:01:17,315 Uh, so don't wait up, 'cause I'm going over to Sam's house 44 00:01:17,338 --> 00:01:19,310 to mix his batter. 45 00:01:19,385 --> 00:01:20,555 Oh, yeah. 46 00:01:20,586 --> 00:01:22,093 Not in that costume. 47 00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:23,805 I don't know. Costume kind of works for me. 48 00:01:23,836 --> 00:01:26,618 Kind of a sexy, undead driver's ed teacher. 49 00:01:26,649 --> 00:01:27,487 It's my sweet spot. 50 00:01:27,511 --> 00:01:29,178 Sam doesn't care what I look like. 51 00:01:29,184 --> 00:01:30,397 'Cause I'm not his girlfriend. 52 00:01:30,430 --> 00:01:31,836 And I'm gonna kick him to the curb 53 00:01:31,873 --> 00:01:34,592 once I've used his body like a moisturizer sample. 54 00:01:34,666 --> 00:01:35,606 Hey-yo! 55 00:01:35,636 --> 00:01:38,999 I couldn't afford my therapist, so I ate his brains. 56 00:01:39,364 --> 00:01:40,933 Marx brothers. 57 00:01:40,952 --> 00:01:42,227 Hear, hear. 58 00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:43,808 - That's the one. - Good stuff. 59 00:01:44,293 --> 00:01:45,701 d Who's that girl? d 60 00:01:45,766 --> 00:01:47,722 - dWho's that girl?d - d It's Jess. d 61 00:01:47,872 --> 00:01:51,936 2x06 - Halloween - 62 00:01:53,745 --> 00:01:54,774 - Hi. - Hi. 63 00:01:55,387 --> 00:01:56,489 - How you doing? - Good. 64 00:01:56,531 --> 00:01:58,572 Oh, oh. 65 00:01:59,603 --> 00:02:00,398 Oh. 66 00:02:02,023 --> 00:02:04,018 Um, here's your wallet. 67 00:02:04,035 --> 00:02:05,008 Oh, thank you. 68 00:02:05,033 --> 00:02:06,895 You must have dropped it on our most recent trip 69 00:02:06,933 --> 00:02:08,284 to No Pants City. 70 00:02:08,321 --> 00:02:09,840 Just so you know, 71 00:02:09,871 --> 00:02:10,653 I didn't look in it. 72 00:02:10,690 --> 00:02:12,845 'Cause I don't care and I respect your privacy. 73 00:02:12,925 --> 00:02:14,217 Then how'd you know it was 74 00:02:14,242 --> 00:02:16,030 - my wallet? - Well played, Sam Sweeny-- 75 00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:18,010 Born in Boston, six-four. 76 00:02:18,063 --> 00:02:19,601 I didn't know you worked in the E.R. 77 00:02:19,633 --> 00:02:20,649 Until I got here, though. 78 00:02:20,676 --> 00:02:21,619 Yeah, pediatrics. 79 00:02:21,650 --> 00:02:23,522 You're a doctor for children. 80 00:02:23,559 --> 00:02:25,076 It's, you know, mostly paperwork. 81 00:02:25,101 --> 00:02:27,215 That why you have so many cute cards on the wall? 82 00:02:27,236 --> 00:02:29,246 "Dear Dr. Sam..." 83 00:02:29,534 --> 00:02:31,088 They call you Dr. Sam? 84 00:02:31,286 --> 00:02:33,025 "Thank you for making me better. 85 00:02:33,050 --> 00:02:35,019 I love you, and so does my bunny." 86 00:02:35,050 --> 00:02:36,534 Nice kid, but she can't draw for crap. 87 00:02:36,552 --> 00:02:38,211 I mean, she just traced Bugs Bunny. 88 00:02:38,235 --> 00:02:40,100 I didn't know you were a, like, caring person. 89 00:02:40,119 --> 00:02:41,813 Same guy. Same guy. 90 00:02:41,851 --> 00:02:43,085 I'm the same guy that did you 91 00:02:43,116 --> 00:02:44,779 in that falafel restaurant, you remember? 92 00:02:44,855 --> 00:02:46,465 - And a dirty one, at that. - Mm-hmm. 93 00:02:46,502 --> 00:02:48,228 - Please don't do this. - Dr. Sam. 94 00:02:48,265 --> 00:02:50,628 Don't start thinking I'm some amazing guy. 95 00:02:50,661 --> 00:02:53,924 This is why I don't tell girls what I do. 96 00:02:53,961 --> 00:02:55,705 This doesn't change the way I feel about you. 97 00:02:55,750 --> 00:02:57,536 I feel nothing. This is purely physical. 98 00:02:57,561 --> 00:02:58,649 Dr. Sam! 99 00:02:58,675 --> 00:03:00,683 Oh, Ben! What's up? 100 00:03:00,704 --> 00:03:01,842 Fish tails? 101 00:03:02,513 --> 00:03:04,702 I, uh... 102 00:03:05,456 --> 00:03:07,538 How could I say no, buddy? 103 00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,738 Fish tail! Fish tail! 104 00:03:09,763 --> 00:03:11,168 Up top! 105 00:03:12,139 --> 00:03:13,962 This makes me feel nothing. 106 00:03:14,065 --> 00:03:15,716 I feel nothing. 107 00:03:15,812 --> 00:03:17,337 I haven't worn these in years. 108 00:03:17,379 --> 00:03:18,292 Here you go. 109 00:03:18,316 --> 00:03:19,406 Wow, Schmidt. 110 00:03:19,478 --> 00:03:20,723 You've got so many boots. 111 00:03:20,748 --> 00:03:22,054 You know who doesn't have a lot of boots? 112 00:03:22,079 --> 00:03:23,764 Guys who aren't getting laid on the reg. 113 00:03:23,788 --> 00:03:25,791 - Ooh, trust me, I know. Shelby and I agreed - Mm-hmm. 114 00:03:25,811 --> 00:03:28,245 That we're gonna dress sexy this Halloween, so... 115 00:03:28,527 --> 00:03:30,459 hopefully that'll make us want to have sex with each other. 116 00:03:30,490 --> 00:03:33,230 You know, at night, I can actually feel gusts 117 00:03:33,258 --> 00:03:35,385 of frigid air coming from beneath your door. 118 00:03:35,417 --> 00:03:36,586 I get it, Schmidt. We're in a rut. 119 00:03:36,604 --> 00:03:38,565 Without sex, she's not your girlfriend, okay? 120 00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:40,446 She's a friend that you buy meals for. 121 00:03:40,536 --> 00:03:41,585 Winston, I get it, man. 122 00:03:41,661 --> 00:03:43,436 You're... you're scared to end it. 123 00:03:43,461 --> 00:03:44,409 You're just like Cece. 124 00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:46,331 Cece's scared to end it with Robby, 125 00:03:46,363 --> 00:03:48,386 because clearly she's still nuts about me. 126 00:03:48,412 --> 00:03:50,458 Robby's nice. Good guy, man. 127 00:03:50,477 --> 00:03:51,297 He always has gum. 128 00:03:51,328 --> 00:03:52,853 "Oh, Robby-- he's such a nice guy." 129 00:03:52,878 --> 00:03:54,515 I'll show you nice guy. Boom. 130 00:03:54,559 --> 00:03:55,534 Punch him in his face. 131 00:03:55,558 --> 00:03:57,453 Yeah, put you in a guillotine choke hold. 132 00:03:57,477 --> 00:03:59,026 And then Robby's like, "Oh, my God!" 133 00:03:59,091 --> 00:04:01,235 "I can't believe this. Young Abraham Lincoln 134 00:04:01,260 --> 00:04:02,804 is choking me out in his guillotine." 135 00:04:02,829 --> 00:04:04,826 You're going as young Abe Lincoln for Halloween? 136 00:04:04,888 --> 00:04:07,001 Statistically speaking, every American 137 00:04:07,035 --> 00:04:09,216 thinks about Abraham Lincoln at least once a day. 138 00:04:09,260 --> 00:04:11,179 And Cece's American, so... 139 00:04:11,359 --> 00:04:12,591 Thank you for that information, Schmidt. 140 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:13,328 Yeah. 141 00:04:13,352 --> 00:04:14,411 What's up, Robby? 142 00:04:14,572 --> 00:04:16,810 What's up, Robby, you stupid idiot? 143 00:04:17,587 --> 00:04:19,183 You had an alter ego, remember? 144 00:04:19,220 --> 00:04:19,852 Yeah. 145 00:04:19,883 --> 00:04:21,288 The guy who'd been in a coma 146 00:04:21,313 --> 00:04:23,765 who woke up thinking he had invented pie. 147 00:04:23,849 --> 00:04:26,810 Oh, I got a great new idea for a dessert! 148 00:04:26,862 --> 00:04:28,293 Wait a second, what year is it? 149 00:04:30,866 --> 00:04:32,835 That's awesome you liked that. 150 00:04:32,867 --> 00:04:33,980 No, I'm really glad you're here. 151 00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:35,895 Welcome to Los Angeles. 152 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,698 L.A., as the locals call it. 153 00:04:37,768 --> 00:04:39,580 This is the city where many scenes 154 00:04:39,618 --> 00:04:41,961 from the film Beverly Hills Chihuahua were shot. 155 00:04:41,987 --> 00:04:43,318 - Yeah, it's pretty cool. - Mm-hmm. 156 00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:44,461 I made you up a couch. 157 00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:46,138 - Wow. - The double eye patch. 158 00:04:46,175 --> 00:04:48,159 - You trying to impress me? - Yes! 159 00:04:48,407 --> 00:04:49,874 Absolutely! 160 00:04:50,753 --> 00:04:52,032 You kidding? 161 00:05:04,245 --> 00:05:05,266 - A doctor? - Mm-hmm. 162 00:05:05,288 --> 00:05:06,675 I had him pegged for 163 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:10,226 a part-time tennis pro or an unemployed handsome guy. 164 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,637 He cares about people for a living; it's so much hotter. 165 00:05:12,662 --> 00:05:13,888 You're starting to like him now. 166 00:05:13,919 --> 00:05:15,904 No, no, no, we're just coworkers. 167 00:05:16,015 --> 00:05:17,200 On the night shift. 168 00:05:17,237 --> 00:05:18,787 These fit great, Jess. 169 00:05:18,999 --> 00:05:20,050 Really, thank you so much. 170 00:05:20,157 --> 00:05:22,663 It's like a childhood dream come true for me. 171 00:05:22,724 --> 00:05:25,024 To be a Ninja Turtle. 172 00:05:25,341 --> 00:05:26,954 And to have a beautiful girlfriend, of course. 173 00:05:26,992 --> 00:05:28,038 Uh-huh. Thank you. 174 00:05:28,051 --> 00:05:29,392 What am I looking at here? 175 00:05:29,446 --> 00:05:30,612 Robby, man to man, 176 00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:31,681 you didn't want to wear something, 177 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:33,788 I don't know, a little more form flattering? 178 00:05:33,823 --> 00:05:35,846 Maybe like a pile of towels, the number eight? 179 00:05:35,910 --> 00:05:37,283 - Schmidt. - I know. But how could I not 180 00:05:37,314 --> 00:05:39,187 knock down such low-hanging fruit? 181 00:05:39,265 --> 00:05:40,853 Speaking of low-hanging fruit, 182 00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:41,895 Jess, you didn't want to let out 183 00:05:41,926 --> 00:05:42,915 - the pants a little bit? - No. 184 00:05:42,929 --> 00:05:44,001 - Not even a touch? - No. 185 00:05:44,038 --> 00:05:45,571 You want to look at your work? 186 00:05:45,625 --> 00:05:46,271 Looks great. 187 00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:47,415 Not to an eight-year-old child. 188 00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:49,052 Who's just staring right down the barrel. 189 00:05:49,071 --> 00:05:50,258 - Enough. - Are you guys coming to 190 00:05:50,286 --> 00:05:51,461 the Halloween festivities tomorrow? 191 00:05:51,486 --> 00:05:53,627 - Actually, we're... - I think you should come. 192 00:05:53,661 --> 00:05:54,658 It's for charity. 193 00:05:54,665 --> 00:05:56,126 You like charity, Robby, right? 194 00:05:56,164 --> 00:05:57,686 Yeah, sure. Like Cece dating you. 195 00:05:59,325 --> 00:06:01,308 Awesome. Um... 196 00:06:01,551 --> 00:06:02,783 - Why not? - No. I mean, 197 00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:05,365 - We have that thing... - Don't worry about my friends. 198 00:06:05,395 --> 00:06:06,865 I would love to hang out with your friends. 199 00:06:06,896 --> 00:06:09,053 I think we should do it, because I want to wear this costume out. 200 00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:11,053 You know what I mean? So I say yes. 201 00:06:11,143 --> 00:06:13,356 Just, uh, keep the pumpkins away from me, okay? 202 00:06:13,380 --> 00:06:15,437 I kind of cut myself last Halloween. 203 00:06:16,619 --> 00:06:18,483 I mean, not on a knife. 204 00:06:18,522 --> 00:06:21,210 I-I, you know, I cut myself on the pumpkin. 205 00:06:21,571 --> 00:06:23,550 You should've made a move in college. 206 00:06:23,596 --> 00:06:25,636 No, I didn't have moves, Amelia. 207 00:06:25,668 --> 00:06:27,779 My moves were 208 00:06:27,829 --> 00:06:30,535 Singing to you and trying to give you back rubs and... 209 00:06:30,587 --> 00:06:33,488 I do remember you picking a lot of eyelashes off my cheeks. 210 00:06:33,513 --> 00:06:35,378 Didn't you think it was weird that I kept 211 00:06:35,415 --> 00:06:38,288 showing up at your door, telling you I had a family tragedy? 212 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,364 How many grandparents did you think I had? 213 00:06:41,365 --> 00:06:43,384 I had a bad bag of moves, lady. 214 00:06:43,896 --> 00:06:46,171 Well, they're not bad any more, Nick Miller. 215 00:06:55,926 --> 00:06:57,925 Ah, that's great. 216 00:07:01,570 --> 00:07:03,233 That is for real. 217 00:07:03,254 --> 00:07:04,566 There's more where that came from. 218 00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:06,579 Uh-oh. 219 00:07:13,860 --> 00:07:15,667 Oh, that's good stuff. 220 00:07:15,716 --> 00:07:16,972 That is good. 221 00:07:22,273 --> 00:07:23,297 Hey. 222 00:07:23,336 --> 00:07:25,334 Sam's in there. - Yeah, Amelia's in there. 223 00:07:25,352 --> 00:07:26,680 - High five for sluts. - Yeah! 224 00:07:27,923 --> 00:07:28,923 Hey. 225 00:07:28,962 --> 00:07:30,204 I think I might like Sam. 226 00:07:30,232 --> 00:07:32,193 Jess, I thought the whole thing was how you didn't like him. 227 00:07:32,211 --> 00:07:33,939 I know, but then... 228 00:07:35,969 --> 00:07:36,600 Hey. 229 00:07:36,625 --> 00:07:38,582 Hi. You must be Amelia. I'm Jess. 230 00:07:38,697 --> 00:07:40,348 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 231 00:07:40,422 --> 00:07:41,898 Nick's told me a lot about you. 232 00:07:41,922 --> 00:07:42,843 Yes, I did. 233 00:07:42,867 --> 00:07:44,162 Yeah, it finally happened. 234 00:07:44,187 --> 00:07:46,250 It's crazy-- Nick and Amelia. 235 00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:48,109 - Together. - Together, yeah. 236 00:07:48,169 --> 00:07:49,181 - Together, yeah. - Together. 237 00:07:49,226 --> 00:07:50,461 Really? Right now? 238 00:07:50,619 --> 00:07:52,263 Okay. 239 00:07:54,455 --> 00:07:56,107 Yeah, good. 240 00:07:56,189 --> 00:07:58,168 Okay. 241 00:07:58,831 --> 00:08:00,105 All right, call me tonight? 242 00:08:00,142 --> 00:08:01,501 Actually, tonight's the last night 243 00:08:01,526 --> 00:08:02,916 of this haunted house thing. 244 00:08:02,944 --> 00:08:04,147 Here's a crazy idea. 245 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,178 What if you came? 246 00:08:05,190 --> 00:08:06,472 Well, I don't really do, 247 00:08:06,503 --> 00:08:08,473 uh, the, you know, sort of costume thing. 248 00:08:08,524 --> 00:08:09,687 I'm gonna be dressed up. 249 00:08:09,724 --> 00:08:11,181 I think you should dress up, too. 250 00:08:11,275 --> 00:08:12,688 'Cause it'd be cool. 251 00:08:12,806 --> 00:08:14,198 For me. 252 00:08:15,127 --> 00:08:18,114 Okay. I'll try to make it, darling. 253 00:08:27,260 --> 00:08:28,866 Well, I wish I hadn't have seen that. 254 00:08:28,901 --> 00:08:30,782 You wish you hadn't seen that? 255 00:08:30,875 --> 00:08:33,488 - I wish I hadn't seen... - Fair point. 256 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:34,739 What if tonight's a test? 257 00:08:34,770 --> 00:08:36,798 If he shows up wearing a costume, 258 00:08:37,325 --> 00:08:38,612 he likes me. 259 00:08:38,638 --> 00:08:40,015 - Sound logic. - I know. 260 00:08:40,202 --> 00:08:42,168 Jess, I-I... Jess, I was kidding. 261 00:08:42,218 --> 00:08:43,554 How do the boots feel, man? 262 00:08:43,588 --> 00:08:44,753 Feel fantastic, man. 263 00:08:44,784 --> 00:08:46,161 Well, there's more where that came from. 264 00:08:46,198 --> 00:08:47,204 Got a lot of boots. 265 00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:48,851 Whoo, looky here! 266 00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:50,002 One of my brothers in blue. 267 00:08:50,017 --> 00:08:51,584 That gun looks real. Let me see that for a second. 268 00:08:51,630 --> 00:08:53,061 LAPD! Stand down! Stand down! 269 00:08:53,086 --> 00:08:54,474 I'm standing, I'm standing! Look at that! 270 00:08:56,681 --> 00:08:58,231 Butch it up, Axel Foley. 271 00:08:58,409 --> 00:09:00,740 Shelby's coming. 272 00:09:01,871 --> 00:09:02,896 Yeah. 273 00:09:06,624 --> 00:09:07,648 Hey. 274 00:09:07,674 --> 00:09:09,437 Hey. What, uh... 275 00:09:09,461 --> 00:09:10,837 What-what are you? 276 00:09:10,868 --> 00:09:14,825 I'm reigning cats and dogs! 277 00:09:16,006 --> 00:09:17,047 Get it? 278 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:18,685 Reigning... 279 00:09:18,917 --> 00:09:21,223 cats and dogs. 280 00:09:22,015 --> 00:09:24,076 Those stuffed animals are gonna look good 281 00:09:24,107 --> 00:09:26,408 on the floor of my bedroom. 282 00:09:28,793 --> 00:09:29,551 Oh! 283 00:09:29,589 --> 00:09:30,745 What are you doing?! 284 00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:31,976 No, it's cool, it's cool. 285 00:09:31,994 --> 00:09:33,267 - Hey, guys. - Hey, Schmidt. 286 00:09:33,285 --> 00:09:34,130 Hey, Robby. 287 00:09:34,161 --> 00:09:35,080 Hey, look, I get it. 288 00:09:35,104 --> 00:09:36,137 Guy who shot John Lennon 289 00:09:36,168 --> 00:09:37,681 - dressed as a Ninja Turtle. - No. 290 00:09:37,704 --> 00:09:39,560 Cece, you're an angel, as always. 291 00:09:39,603 --> 00:09:41,320 Get off my horse, Schmidt. 292 00:09:41,344 --> 00:09:43,414 Hey, Lincoln, right? That's awes... 293 00:09:43,439 --> 00:09:44,995 You know, I was just thinking about Lincoln today. 294 00:09:45,013 --> 00:09:46,320 Yeah, Robby, we all were. 295 00:09:46,344 --> 00:09:47,152 This is kind of funny. 296 00:09:47,183 --> 00:09:48,383 The two of you together on that horse, 297 00:09:48,414 --> 00:09:50,233 you kind of look like a bride and a groom. 298 00:09:50,739 --> 00:09:52,008 I will throw you 299 00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:55,074 off of this horse with my bare hands. I will. 300 00:09:55,488 --> 00:09:57,495 I'm gonna tell him how I feel tonight. 301 00:09:57,689 --> 00:09:59,055 - You are? - Think so. 302 00:09:59,079 --> 00:09:59,773 Boo! 303 00:10:01,795 --> 00:10:02,721 What'd you carve here? 304 00:10:02,746 --> 00:10:04,671 Oh, it's a secret. I'm not done yet. 305 00:10:08,806 --> 00:10:09,833 What's wrong with me? 306 00:10:10,003 --> 00:10:12,092 I wanted this for so long with her, 307 00:10:12,116 --> 00:10:14,525 and now... it's just too much. 308 00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:15,774 - You know? - Mm-hmm. 309 00:10:15,872 --> 00:10:17,490 You want to know why I don't like haunted houses? 310 00:10:17,515 --> 00:10:19,834 - Why? - Because they're just like relationships. 311 00:10:19,884 --> 00:10:21,913 You walk in all confident, 312 00:10:21,933 --> 00:10:24,421 and then once you get in, it's not what you thought 313 00:10:24,446 --> 00:10:26,173 it was gonna be, and it's scary. 314 00:10:26,217 --> 00:10:28,162 Nick, you've liked her for a long time. 315 00:10:28,473 --> 00:10:30,034 Go in the "haunted house." 316 00:10:30,084 --> 00:10:31,725 I'm gonna go in the "haunted house." 317 00:10:31,751 --> 00:10:33,770 Ta-da! That's me, 318 00:10:33,896 --> 00:10:35,866 that's you, and that's our dog. 319 00:10:36,951 --> 00:10:38,971 I look so scared. 320 00:10:39,166 --> 00:10:40,191 Bride and groom? 321 00:10:40,211 --> 00:10:41,166 No! 322 00:10:41,203 --> 00:10:43,498 No, I'm here with the Ninja Turtle! 323 00:10:43,609 --> 00:10:45,554 Bride and Ninja Turtle. 324 00:10:46,136 --> 00:10:47,072 I don't get it. 325 00:10:47,115 --> 00:10:48,154 I don't get it, either. 326 00:10:48,224 --> 00:10:49,718 Like she lost a bet or something. 327 00:10:49,749 --> 00:10:51,143 What is wrong with you? 328 00:10:51,175 --> 00:10:52,186 Seriously! 329 00:10:52,206 --> 00:10:53,046 It's okay, Cece. 330 00:10:53,071 --> 00:10:54,934 No, it's not okay! 331 00:10:55,012 --> 00:10:58,318 You need to go home and change, Schmidt. 332 00:10:58,355 --> 00:11:00,857 I know you have more costumes in your closet. 333 00:11:00,887 --> 00:11:03,584 Those costumes are for Purim. Purim's in March. 334 00:11:03,608 --> 00:11:05,884 I don't care! You're doing this intentionally 335 00:11:05,891 --> 00:11:06,922 just to mess with me! 336 00:11:06,946 --> 00:11:08,970 All right, calm down. Everybody just... 337 00:11:08,995 --> 00:11:09,727 just calm down. 338 00:11:09,759 --> 00:11:11,303 All right, Schmidt? Let's take a walk. 339 00:11:11,432 --> 00:11:12,938 Let's take a walk. 340 00:11:13,310 --> 00:11:15,639 Look, let's just cut the crap, okay? 341 00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:17,142 I know you think I'm dumb, 342 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,821 and you can hit on Cece and make fun of me all day long, 343 00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:22,441 but I'm not going anywhere, all right? 344 00:11:23,624 --> 00:11:25,044 You're a big guy, you know that? 345 00:11:25,096 --> 00:11:26,571 Yeah. 346 00:11:26,827 --> 00:11:28,595 Luckily, I've got a stone forehead. 347 00:11:28,620 --> 00:11:29,647 What? 348 00:11:30,744 --> 00:11:31,426 I'm sorry. 349 00:11:31,456 --> 00:11:33,006 - No, it's cool, man. - You just tried to head-butt me. 350 00:11:33,037 --> 00:11:34,169 - I had to stop you. - No, yeah, yeah. 351 00:11:34,203 --> 00:11:36,200 - I got you. I got you. - All right. 352 00:11:36,959 --> 00:11:38,385 - Damn it! - Schmidt, you did it again. 353 00:11:38,427 --> 00:11:39,823 How do you see that coming every time? 354 00:11:39,841 --> 00:11:41,436 You wind up. You make, like, a little wind-up thing. 355 00:11:41,449 --> 00:11:43,010 - I just... - Hit me right in the forehead. 356 00:11:43,046 --> 00:11:44,409 Yeah, well, you tried to head-butt me with your forehead. 357 00:11:44,446 --> 00:11:45,997 Yeah, I know I was trying to head-butt you. 358 00:11:46,044 --> 00:11:47,481 Okay, listen. 359 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,519 I think there's two options here. 360 00:11:49,550 --> 00:11:51,624 We can either go the way that things have been going 361 00:11:51,655 --> 00:11:53,418 and we're going to have a big problem, 362 00:11:53,585 --> 00:11:57,716 or we can just knock this off and let's be friends, okay? 363 00:11:57,931 --> 00:11:59,342 - I'm sorry. - Okay. I'm sorry, too. 364 00:11:59,367 --> 00:12:00,373 - I'm sorry, too. - My bad. 365 00:12:00,404 --> 00:12:01,838 - No, truce. - All right, truce. 366 00:12:03,649 --> 00:12:05,331 Will you stop trying to head-butt me, man? 367 00:12:05,384 --> 00:12:06,603 I just... 368 00:12:06,676 --> 00:12:07,685 Look at this guy. 369 00:12:07,711 --> 00:12:09,206 - Looking great. - Oh, my God. 370 00:12:09,668 --> 00:12:11,644 - What? - He came. 371 00:12:13,446 --> 00:12:14,671 He's not wearing a costume. 372 00:12:14,715 --> 00:12:15,946 Yeah, but he came, so... 373 00:12:16,525 --> 00:12:18,298 - Hey. - Hey. 374 00:12:18,414 --> 00:12:20,436 Oh, I got to sneeze. 375 00:12:24,973 --> 00:12:26,673 I'm a clown for you. 376 00:12:26,726 --> 00:12:28,351 Just don't ask me to wear this in bed. 377 00:12:28,375 --> 00:12:30,354 Okay. 378 00:12:38,394 --> 00:12:39,923 I think, when he comes here tonight, 379 00:12:39,954 --> 00:12:42,704 I'm just going to be like, "Sam, crazy idea-- 380 00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:44,294 why don't we take this to another level?" 381 00:12:44,334 --> 00:12:46,323 And pretend like I'm just thinking of it, but I'm not... 382 00:12:54,096 --> 00:12:55,890 - Can you hand me my coffee? - Yeah. 383 00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:57,826 Zombie, just tell him the truth. 384 00:12:57,883 --> 00:12:59,716 Mummy's right. Take the big swing. 385 00:12:59,741 --> 00:13:01,395 It's okay to be vulnerable. 386 00:13:01,469 --> 00:13:03,439 You guys are right. 387 00:13:05,215 --> 00:13:06,252 Life as a doctor. 388 00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:07,718 Your phone must just be 389 00:13:07,736 --> 00:13:09,735 blowing up with life-saving texts, huh? 390 00:13:09,866 --> 00:13:13,001 "Don't die on me, Danny Boy! Use the paddles!" 391 00:13:13,098 --> 00:13:14,654 No, it's a girl. 392 00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,038 Oh, I thought Jess was working. 393 00:13:17,071 --> 00:13:19,038 It's another girl. Just a weekend thing. 394 00:13:19,083 --> 00:13:21,208 Does Jess know you're texting other girls? 395 00:13:21,228 --> 00:13:23,553 Yeah. We're, like, totally honest with each other. 396 00:13:23,571 --> 00:13:25,101 You know? I mean, she wants 397 00:13:25,126 --> 00:13:26,399 a relationship less than I do. 398 00:13:26,423 --> 00:13:27,355 It's actually awesome. 399 00:13:27,377 --> 00:13:29,030 Right. 400 00:13:29,983 --> 00:13:32,036 And you're coming over tonight, hmm? 401 00:13:32,068 --> 00:13:33,787 And she's going to talk to you. 402 00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:34,856 Ooh. 403 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:39,266 All right, man. 404 00:13:39,315 --> 00:13:41,339 You've got to be kidding me. 405 00:13:43,316 --> 00:13:44,503 Just do it, Nick. 406 00:13:44,684 --> 00:13:45,649 Don't be scared, Nick. 407 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:47,683 You're a grown man. This is a haunted house. 408 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:49,831 Game time. 409 00:13:50,283 --> 00:13:53,021 I have no idea how they deep-fry a turkey dinner, 410 00:13:53,081 --> 00:13:55,823 but I am so glad they do because I love it. 411 00:13:55,848 --> 00:13:58,299 Do you love your legs? Because, I'll tell you, diabetes doesn't. 412 00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,761 - Where have you been? - Oh, God, I'm sorry. 413 00:14:00,792 --> 00:14:02,123 I totally lost track of time. 414 00:14:02,156 --> 00:14:03,658 We decided that we're going to hang out more. 415 00:14:03,689 --> 00:14:05,304 All of us are going to hang out more. 416 00:14:05,329 --> 00:14:06,645 You know, 'cause I remember you saying 417 00:14:06,884 --> 00:14:09,130 - that missed hanging out with Schmidt, so... - Oh, Robby. 418 00:14:09,361 --> 00:14:12,358 - You said that? - Yeah, I... yeah, I... I said it, but... 419 00:14:12,396 --> 00:14:14,351 No, because I want to hang out with you, too. 420 00:14:14,483 --> 00:14:15,595 With Robby there? 421 00:14:15,829 --> 00:14:18,185 Yeah, with Robby there. 422 00:14:18,270 --> 00:14:19,328 - Good. - Good. 423 00:14:19,349 --> 00:14:21,338 - Oh, yeah, good, good. - Good. 424 00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:24,993 Lincoln, bringing the nation back together again. 425 00:14:25,758 --> 00:14:27,193 Jess! 426 00:14:27,663 --> 00:14:29,021 Jess, where are you? 427 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,642 Watch your step! 428 00:14:30,666 --> 00:14:32,498 It's just a recording. 429 00:14:32,535 --> 00:14:34,264 Good, good. Fun. 430 00:14:36,079 --> 00:14:39,045 Okay. It's not a race. It's not a... 431 00:14:55,939 --> 00:14:57,739 Welcome to the morgue, 432 00:14:57,770 --> 00:14:59,575 Officer and... 433 00:15:00,462 --> 00:15:02,474 Sorry. I have no idea what... 434 00:15:02,789 --> 00:15:04,276 that whole thing... I don't... 435 00:15:04,299 --> 00:15:07,256 I'm reigning cats and dogs. 436 00:15:07,675 --> 00:15:09,473 - What? - "Reigning" like a queen, 437 00:15:09,504 --> 00:15:11,558 But... but "raining" like the weather. 438 00:15:11,597 --> 00:15:12,246 No. 439 00:15:12,276 --> 00:15:14,212 "It's raining cats and dogs!" 440 00:15:14,357 --> 00:15:16,390 - Right. - It's a joke. 441 00:15:16,431 --> 00:15:18,301 - Not really. - What? 442 00:15:18,344 --> 00:15:20,910 Hmm? No, I'm saying, like, it's not really... not really funny. 443 00:15:20,934 --> 00:15:23,235 - It's hilarious. - I thought you were going to dress sexy. 444 00:15:23,319 --> 00:15:25,230 A sense of humor is sexy. 445 00:15:25,260 --> 00:15:26,825 I don't want to date the queen of Cats and Dogs. 446 00:15:26,850 --> 00:15:28,775 - Reigning cats and dogs. - Makes no sense. 447 00:15:28,806 --> 00:15:30,467 I don't see the queen of England running around 448 00:15:30,498 --> 00:15:32,236 - with a cape and British people stapled to it. - What? 449 00:15:32,272 --> 00:15:33,887 When is the last time you heard somebody say, 450 00:15:33,918 --> 00:15:35,543 "Man, you know what's sexy? 451 00:15:35,584 --> 00:15:37,973 A woman with stuffed animals taped to her back." 452 00:15:38,072 --> 00:15:39,966 Look how good I look! Look how stylish I look. 453 00:15:39,990 --> 00:15:42,379 That's not sexy. I feel like I'm getting a speeding ticket. 454 00:15:42,410 --> 00:15:45,091 Ooh! Shelby, you made me so mad, my mustache is coming off! 455 00:15:45,122 --> 00:15:47,574 Why do you have a mustache glued on top of your mustache. 456 00:15:48,456 --> 00:15:49,998 Why aren't we having sex? 457 00:15:53,083 --> 00:15:55,220 - Shut up, bitch. - Sorry. 458 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,574 Shelby, this is not working. 459 00:15:59,453 --> 00:16:00,785 It's just not. 460 00:16:00,810 --> 00:16:02,848 I know. 461 00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:05,896 Oh, I get it. 462 00:16:05,927 --> 00:16:07,918 Reigning cats and dogs. 463 00:16:08,476 --> 00:16:10,510 It's funny. It is. 464 00:16:15,201 --> 00:16:17,188 Jess. 465 00:16:17,969 --> 00:16:20,676 Jessica Day, where are you? 466 00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:25,324 No, no! 467 00:16:31,203 --> 00:16:32,922 Very effective. Very scary. 468 00:16:32,980 --> 00:16:35,025 Come in! Come in! 469 00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:36,513 This is fun. This is entertaining. 470 00:16:39,907 --> 00:16:42,271 Oh, no! Jess! 471 00:16:42,285 --> 00:16:43,833 No! No! 472 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,978 - Jess! No! - No, I'm her friend. 473 00:16:51,565 --> 00:16:53,535 Somebody help me! 474 00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:55,550 This is my nightmare! 475 00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:02,657 I didn't punch a girl. I punched a horrifying monster. 476 00:17:02,795 --> 00:17:04,815 You of all people should know this, Frankenstein. 477 00:17:04,846 --> 00:17:06,009 You're the real monster. 478 00:17:06,046 --> 00:17:07,482 Oh, give me a break. 479 00:17:07,881 --> 00:17:09,347 Jess, are you okay? 480 00:17:09,379 --> 00:17:10,327 Yeah. It's nothing. 481 00:17:10,358 --> 00:17:11,417 Nick just punched me in the face. 482 00:17:11,450 --> 00:17:13,916 - What?! - Oh, my God! No, it was an acc... 483 00:17:13,956 --> 00:17:16,388 - What is wrong with you? - Jess, I'm sorry! 484 00:17:17,819 --> 00:17:19,870 All right. Look away. 485 00:17:21,765 --> 00:17:23,752 All right, well, the bruise is going to heal, 486 00:17:23,784 --> 00:17:26,275 but I don't know what to do about the giant stitches. 487 00:17:26,305 --> 00:17:27,695 I mean, those are going to scar. 488 00:17:27,772 --> 00:17:29,163 And you're looking a little pale. 489 00:17:29,201 --> 00:17:30,438 What have you been eating? 490 00:17:30,676 --> 00:17:31,725 Brains. 491 00:17:36,765 --> 00:17:37,990 Habit. 492 00:17:39,205 --> 00:17:41,704 I think we should go. 493 00:17:42,708 --> 00:17:45,027 Sam. Uh, wait. 494 00:17:45,079 --> 00:17:47,004 Um... um... 495 00:17:47,045 --> 00:17:50,015 uh, I... I like you. 496 00:17:50,041 --> 00:17:52,341 - I like you, too, Jess. - No, but, um... 497 00:17:52,491 --> 00:17:54,495 I care about you, 498 00:17:54,959 --> 00:17:58,272 and, um, I want to ask you out for real. 499 00:17:58,489 --> 00:18:03,053 So... will you go out with me? 500 00:18:06,116 --> 00:18:08,145 I can't. 501 00:18:11,439 --> 00:18:13,416 I told you... 502 00:18:13,791 --> 00:18:16,291 what I wanted, and I wasn't lying. 503 00:18:17,381 --> 00:18:18,675 Yeah, um... 504 00:18:18,796 --> 00:18:20,165 I just thought maybe 505 00:18:20,189 --> 00:18:22,168 - you were scared to say it. - I'm not. 506 00:18:22,206 --> 00:18:23,573 Not scared, you know. 507 00:18:24,386 --> 00:18:26,657 This is how I feel. 508 00:18:29,085 --> 00:18:30,697 Do you want me to go? 509 00:18:41,692 --> 00:18:43,726 - Hey. - Hey. 510 00:18:44,173 --> 00:18:45,168 You punch a girl? 511 00:18:45,193 --> 00:18:47,644 Yes, I did. Uh, I'm a coward. 512 00:18:47,739 --> 00:18:49,055 I'm scared of haunted houses. 513 00:18:49,098 --> 00:18:51,114 And I'm scared of you-- I always have been. 514 00:18:51,139 --> 00:18:54,109 That's right. That is what I've been trying to remember. 515 00:18:54,147 --> 00:18:55,454 I was like, "Nick is great." 516 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,460 Why didn't I realize it years ago?" 517 00:18:57,479 --> 00:19:00,686 And it's because you could not tell me how you felt. 518 00:19:00,879 --> 00:19:02,561 So you always knew I liked you? 519 00:19:02,591 --> 00:19:05,376 You drove me home every Thanksgiving break. 520 00:19:05,441 --> 00:19:07,264 You lived in Chicago; I lived in Florida. 521 00:19:07,289 --> 00:19:08,583 Well, I was trying to avoid the tolls. 522 00:19:12,674 --> 00:19:14,677 How do you feel about me now? 523 00:19:16,753 --> 00:19:18,285 Great. Good. 524 00:19:18,474 --> 00:19:20,575 I can't believe that after all this time, 525 00:19:20,624 --> 00:19:21,772 you still can't be honest with me. 526 00:19:21,797 --> 00:19:24,288 I'm sorry, all right? It's my fault. 527 00:19:24,349 --> 00:19:25,606 Okay, I fell in love with you 528 00:19:25,630 --> 00:19:28,019 the first time I saw you-- that's crazy. 529 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,768 I didn't even know you. It was just this idea of you. 530 00:19:30,793 --> 00:19:34,775 And then... it just wasn't what I thought. 531 00:19:37,016 --> 00:19:39,511 And what's up with the way you kiss? 532 00:19:39,548 --> 00:19:42,481 It's like reverse CPR. It's like you're... 533 00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:45,315 Hey. 534 00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:46,978 I'm not an idea of a person. 535 00:19:47,003 --> 00:19:48,985 I'm an actual person. 536 00:19:54,051 --> 00:19:55,227 - Okay. - Ready? Uh-huh. 537 00:19:55,259 --> 00:19:56,703 One, two, three. 538 00:19:59,284 --> 00:20:01,582 All right, let's try it one more time. Let's see if we can hit the top. 539 00:20:01,607 --> 00:20:03,498 I think you guys deserve the couples costumes. 540 00:20:03,544 --> 00:20:05,304 Bride and groom. 541 00:20:05,339 --> 00:20:07,356 - Aw. - How sweet of you. 542 00:20:07,658 --> 00:20:09,573 - Thank you. - Take the hat. 543 00:20:09,655 --> 00:20:11,486 It's... that's, like, the most important part. 544 00:20:11,528 --> 00:20:13,681 - Very nice of you to do that, Schmidt. - Hold this. 545 00:20:13,740 --> 00:20:16,020 Okay, I'm not... I don't need to wear a second costume. 546 00:20:16,051 --> 00:20:18,183 This and the hat and the blazer's enough, so that's... 547 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:20,465 - You need it, Robby. - Where you going with this here, buddy? I... 548 00:20:20,484 --> 00:20:22,640 - You're not going to... the pants, too? - Oh, no, no, no, no. 549 00:20:22,671 --> 00:20:25,059 - We're fine. We're good. - It's important, man. Need to wear the whole thing. 550 00:20:25,079 --> 00:20:26,698 Just... what are you going to wear? 551 00:20:26,739 --> 00:20:27,820 Plan B was always 552 00:20:27,844 --> 00:20:30,005 Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike, so... 553 00:20:30,056 --> 00:20:32,037 Always got to have a plan B, Robby. 554 00:20:37,995 --> 00:20:40,028 Thanks, man. 555 00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:43,418 Wow. I mean, look at his thighs. 556 00:20:43,442 --> 00:20:44,958 They're like fleshy tree trunks. 557 00:20:44,983 --> 00:20:46,020 Whoa. 558 00:20:46,377 --> 00:20:48,421 I mean, he just knows how to work the crowd. 559 00:20:49,372 --> 00:20:50,284 I mean, his thighs 560 00:20:50,308 --> 00:20:52,315 are, like, the size of my head. 561 00:20:52,955 --> 00:20:55,377 - Reigning cats and dogs! - Yeah! 562 00:20:55,398 --> 00:20:57,186 Coat of arms. 563 00:20:57,234 --> 00:20:58,740 You are so awesome! 564 00:20:59,572 --> 00:21:02,428 You know, I may not actually be Abraham Lincoln, 565 00:21:02,534 --> 00:21:04,824 but I witnessed the emancipation 566 00:21:04,842 --> 00:21:06,655 of one black guy tonight... 567 00:21:06,980 --> 00:21:09,373 from a terrible relationship. 568 00:21:09,452 --> 00:21:11,457 Come on. 569 00:21:13,989 --> 00:21:16,266 I know I said you shouldn't put yourself out there, 570 00:21:16,395 --> 00:21:17,855 but I'm glad you did. 571 00:21:18,055 --> 00:21:21,149 You should be with somebody who's crazy about you, Jess. 572 00:21:22,156 --> 00:21:23,606 Thanks, Nick. 573 00:21:23,689 --> 00:21:25,589 That'd be really nice if it wasn't coming 574 00:21:25,613 --> 00:21:27,897 from somebody who just punched me in the face. 575 00:21:28,554 --> 00:21:29,469 Sorry about that. 576 00:21:29,508 --> 00:21:31,677 - All right, you ready? - Mm-hmm. 577 00:21:32,088 --> 00:21:32,902 Let's do it. 578 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,917 All right. Let's do it. 579 00:21:36,218 --> 00:21:37,278 Okay. 580 00:21:37,596 --> 00:21:40,158 - Jess, let's make this right. - All right. 581 00:21:46,528 --> 00:21:48,387 I can't do this. 582 00:21:49,310 --> 00:21:51,746 I'm glad you're you, 'cause Jess Day could... 583 00:21:51,778 --> 00:21:54,679 Ow! Mother of... Damn it! 584 00:23:35,810 --> 00:23:40,810 sync by Norther