1
00:00:02,928 --> 00:00:05,540
Okay, gas, electric, and cable
2
00:00:05,567 --> 00:00:08,086
comes out to $219.34.
3
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:09,209
Jessica?
4
00:00:09,258 --> 00:00:10,777
Do you have anything
to contribute?
5
00:00:10,869 --> 00:00:13,500
- Here we go.
- They're not all legal tenders,
6
00:00:13,557 --> 00:00:16,090
- but they have value, like...
- Sure.
7
00:00:16,142 --> 00:00:17,667
- That's $5.00.
- $5.00.
8
00:00:17,717 --> 00:00:18,472
Library card.
9
00:00:18,502 --> 00:00:20,361
- Library's not just for books any more.
- Mm-hmm.
10
00:00:20,401 --> 00:00:22,287
- Library card.
- Also, you can check out compact discs.
11
00:00:22,319 --> 00:00:24,061
- What else? This is a fortune.
- Um, yeah.
12
00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:26,780
"You are lucky and success."
How ironic.
13
00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:29,188
That's going right to the
gas company. "Paid in full."
14
00:00:29,281 --> 00:00:31,015
Jess, we can't keep
covering for you.
15
00:00:31,045 --> 00:00:32,110
Yes. I understand.
16
00:00:32,134 --> 00:00:33,299
It's just that, um...
17
00:00:33,335 --> 00:00:36,304
recently I went through a,
uh, life change
18
00:00:36,329 --> 00:00:37,192
where I was fired.
19
00:00:37,229 --> 00:00:38,396
Maybe I can borrow
20
00:00:38,464 --> 00:00:42,119
the money from my
good friend... Winston?
21
00:00:42,152 --> 00:00:44,277
You know, I really wish
I could, Jess, but, uh...
22
00:00:44,317 --> 00:00:47,012
I'm a single man now, so
basically I have to be able to
23
00:00:47,045 --> 00:00:50,031
trick women into thinking
that I can buy them stuff.
24
00:00:50,575 --> 00:00:52,367
NICK:
Okay!
25
00:00:52,645 --> 00:00:54,701
Here is my share...
26
00:00:54,779 --> 00:00:56,448
to the penny.
27
00:00:56,513 --> 00:00:58,788
Yeah! I'm not the poorest!
28
00:00:58,863 --> 00:01:00,494
Second poorest.
Now you're the poorest.
29
00:01:00,531 --> 00:01:02,076
- That's gotta be rock bottom.
- Yeah, I got it.
30
00:01:02,107 --> 00:01:03,417
You know what?
I'm shutting off the gas
31
00:01:03,452 --> 00:01:04,465
until you can get me the money.
32
00:01:04,490 --> 00:01:05,733
- What?
- What are you talking about?
33
00:01:05,770 --> 00:01:07,345
- Don't scapegoat me.
- I just gave you my money.
34
00:01:07,388 --> 00:01:09,090
That's called tough love,
all right?
35
00:01:09,161 --> 00:01:10,527
No more handouts.
36
00:01:10,564 --> 00:01:11,827
Now, what are you
going to do about it?
37
00:01:11,860 --> 00:01:13,595
How are you gonna
pay the gas bill?
38
00:01:13,639 --> 00:01:15,149
- I don't know.
NICK: I've got an idea.
39
00:01:15,173 --> 00:01:16,282
Get a job.
40
00:01:16,306 --> 00:01:17,639
The school year's
already started.
41
00:01:17,676 --> 00:01:18,976
I have a lot of
decisions to make
42
00:01:19,031 --> 00:01:20,375
as far as my résumé
is concerned.
43
00:01:20,437 --> 00:01:21,800
I have to choose a font,
44
00:01:21,838 --> 00:01:23,161
spacing, columns...
45
00:01:23,199 --> 00:01:26,067
Okay, just update
your résumé, you ninny.
46
00:01:26,275 --> 00:01:28,289
- Did you call me a ninny?
NICK: Yeah, I called you a ninny,
47
00:01:28,326 --> 00:01:30,052
'cause you're acting
like a ninny, you ninny!
48
00:01:30,079 --> 00:01:32,061
Don't call me a ninny,
I'm PMSing!
49
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,530
Ah! Why would you...
yucky! No, no, no.
50
00:01:33,557 --> 00:01:34,735
- I don't want to hear it.
- It hurts.
51
00:01:34,764 --> 00:01:35,964
I feel like I've
laid a million eggs
52
00:01:35,995 --> 00:01:37,094
and they're all hatching.
53
00:01:37,218 --> 00:01:38,835
I feel like I
want to murder someone,
54
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:40,737
and also I want soft pretzels.
55
00:01:40,759 --> 00:01:42,278
You know what?
I feel the same way.
56
00:01:42,306 --> 00:01:44,347
Shut up!
Shut up, you!
57
00:01:44,390 --> 00:01:45,853
'Cause I don't want to hear it!
58
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:46,674
I've had it!
59
00:01:46,711 --> 00:01:48,045
If any of you cross me,
60
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:51,258
I'm gonna kick the testicles
clean off your body!
61
00:01:51,350 --> 00:01:53,763
Clean off! You'll look like
Ken dolls down there.
62
00:01:53,796 --> 00:01:55,542
Because that's where
I'm at right now.
63
00:01:55,853 --> 00:01:57,921
Now which one of you guys
64
00:01:58,002 --> 00:02:01,419
wants to tell me to get a job?
65
00:02:01,533 --> 00:02:02,733
Hmm?
66
00:02:03,407 --> 00:02:07,049
Who wants to look me in the face
67
00:02:07,137 --> 00:02:09,937
and tell me to get a job?
68
00:02:09,968 --> 00:02:11,468
Whatever.
69
00:02:12,936 --> 00:02:14,209
"Whatever?"
70
00:02:14,249 --> 00:02:15,644
- What does that mean, huh?
- Whatever.
71
00:02:15,682 --> 00:02:18,147
It better mean,
"Whatever you say, Jess."
72
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,728
I don't think it's fair
that women have an excuse
73
00:02:20,793 --> 00:02:23,095
once a month to act
irrationally angry
74
00:02:23,142 --> 00:02:25,242
when the rest of us have to
keep it together all the time.
75
00:02:25,261 --> 00:02:26,693
You're irrationally angry
76
00:02:26,764 --> 00:02:28,708
365 days a year, Nick.
77
00:02:28,733 --> 00:02:30,039
What are you talking about?
78
00:02:32,370 --> 00:02:34,205
I will push if I want to push!
79
00:02:34,272 --> 00:02:35,606
Come on!
80
00:02:35,673 --> 00:02:37,861
(Grunting)
81
00:02:38,013 --> 00:02:39,513
I hate doors!
82
00:02:39,544 --> 00:02:41,363
Really? Well, that's just
your personal opinion,
83
00:02:41,419 --> 00:02:42,652
'cause I don't
have anger issues.
84
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:43,976
You guys think
I have anger issues?
85
00:02:43,994 --> 00:02:46,028
Well, I mean, I wouldn't
exactly call it an issue.
86
00:02:46,059 --> 00:02:47,559
An issue is something
you can fix.
87
00:02:47,574 --> 00:02:49,047
Been that way
since I can remember.
88
00:02:51,054 --> 00:02:52,607
This is some
watered-down nonsense.
89
00:02:52,645 --> 00:02:54,613
You're some no-good shysters!
90
00:02:58,435 --> 00:03:00,886
On an unrelated note, I've just
decided to take a walk.
91
00:03:01,422 --> 00:03:03,020
Fine! Leave!
92
00:03:03,427 --> 00:03:05,193
Now, if you'll excuse me,
gentlemen,
93
00:03:05,238 --> 00:03:08,200
I'm gonna go get a job,
like it's my...
94
00:03:08,260 --> 00:03:09,294
- Job?
- Shut up!
95
00:03:09,768 --> 00:03:11,280
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
96
00:03:11,305 --> 00:03:13,278
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
97
00:03:13,322 --> 00:03:18,088
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
98
00:03:24,582 --> 00:03:26,450
Please don't do that, sir.
Please.
99
00:03:26,475 --> 00:03:28,693
I would love to sit
by myself right now.
100
00:03:31,089 --> 00:03:33,519
There's something real
creepy about you, pal.
101
00:03:33,573 --> 00:03:35,941
You want to get weird?
Let's get weird.
102
00:03:41,701 --> 00:03:43,335
You got a nice face.
103
00:03:43,359 --> 00:03:44,639
(Sighs)
104
00:03:44,818 --> 00:03:46,151
Anger problem?
105
00:03:46,219 --> 00:03:47,713
Living with them?
Are you kidding me?
106
00:03:47,737 --> 00:03:48,904
It's frustrating.
107
00:03:48,934 --> 00:03:50,347
It's like...
just get a job.
108
00:03:50,378 --> 00:03:51,644
I like your hat.
109
00:03:51,824 --> 00:03:53,627
I like how it's not
a team or a logo,
110
00:03:53,658 --> 00:03:54,477
it's just blue.
111
00:03:54,522 --> 00:03:57,191
Would you rather be covered in
fish scales or feathers?
112
00:03:59,559 --> 00:04:00,654
(Laughing):
Scales?
113
00:04:00,773 --> 00:04:02,206
Wow, you weirdo.
114
00:04:02,255 --> 00:04:04,780
You want to see me
jump really high?
115
00:04:05,202 --> 00:04:06,961
Ha! Ah ha!
(Laughing)
116
00:04:06,987 --> 00:04:09,212
I'm afraid of dying, man.
117
00:04:11,383 --> 00:04:13,108
Who am I?!
118
00:04:13,145 --> 00:04:14,639
The enemy is en-e-my.
119
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,516
The enemy is the inner me.
120
00:04:17,985 --> 00:04:19,741
(Laughs) Can you understand
a word I'm saying?
121
00:04:19,780 --> 00:04:21,854
You just nod at everything.
122
00:04:22,002 --> 00:04:23,569
I need to change.
123
00:04:23,687 --> 00:04:25,321
And you've showed me that.
124
00:04:25,626 --> 00:04:27,442
I have an anger problem.
125
00:04:27,823 --> 00:04:29,189
Thank you.
126
00:04:29,288 --> 00:04:30,619
Can I get a hug?
127
00:04:34,314 --> 00:04:36,020
- I've got a story for you guys.
- Ooh.
128
00:04:36,070 --> 00:04:37,503
I met someone at work.
129
00:04:38,768 --> 00:04:40,002
Emma Sharpe.
130
00:04:40,039 --> 00:04:41,800
Divisional VP of
all North America.
131
00:04:41,845 --> 00:04:43,195
Wh-What are you doing
in the break room?
132
00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:45,140
This break room is in
North America, isn't it?
133
00:04:45,208 --> 00:04:47,827
Sure. That means I'm the
Vice President of it.
134
00:04:51,565 --> 00:04:56,469
I am the Vice President
of everything in North America.
135
00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:58,524
That sounds like...
sexual harassment.
136
00:04:58,591 --> 00:05:00,793
Robby, there's a fine line
between sexual harassment
137
00:05:00,824 --> 00:05:03,007
- and something awesome.
- I thought you hated your co-workers.
138
00:05:03,050 --> 00:05:05,244
- You said they were a bunch of...
- Pant-suited corporate She-Hulks?
139
00:05:05,274 --> 00:05:06,094
Yeah, I know what I said.
140
00:05:06,129 --> 00:05:09,097
Emma is the craziest woman
to ever hit on me.
141
00:05:09,147 --> 00:05:10,685
ROBBY: Schmidt, you're
such a nice guy.
142
00:05:10,703 --> 00:05:12,854
- Thank you. - What you deserve
is a girl who respects you.
143
00:05:12,890 --> 00:05:14,151
- You know? A nice girl.
- Mm-hmm.
144
00:05:14,175 --> 00:05:16,176
I'm not into the nice thing,
Robby. Doesn't do it for me.
145
00:05:16,212 --> 00:05:17,595
- Well, that's what I thought, too.
- Yeah.
146
00:05:17,626 --> 00:05:20,457
You know, until I found, uh...
this one right here.
147
00:05:22,054 --> 00:05:22,721
You mean Cece?
148
00:05:22,733 --> 00:05:25,167
You think that I'm... nice?
149
00:05:25,479 --> 00:05:26,646
No.
150
00:05:26,714 --> 00:05:28,715
I think you're the nicest.
151
00:05:28,783 --> 00:05:30,327
- Mm.
- Hmm.
152
00:05:30,419 --> 00:05:32,486
Robby!
(Laughs)
153
00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:36,670
Yes, the man just left.
154
00:05:36,910 --> 00:05:38,278
And he turned off the gas.
155
00:05:38,345 --> 00:05:40,092
Yeah, I'm refusing to
pay my gas bill
156
00:05:40,123 --> 00:05:41,090
as a matter of principle.
157
00:05:41,122 --> 00:05:42,129
You'd like me to
take the survey?
158
00:05:42,147 --> 00:05:43,548
Of course I'll take the survey.
159
00:05:44,001 --> 00:05:45,233
- Schmidt?
- Yeah, hold on.
160
00:05:45,255 --> 00:05:46,756
Can I share some thing
with you, man to man?
161
00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:48,812
Oh, I'm...
162
00:05:49,021 --> 00:05:50,189
(Music plays)
163
00:05:50,436 --> 00:05:52,437
You have to promise me
you will not laugh.
164
00:05:52,505 --> 00:05:54,038
Look, I'm... you're not
talking to Nick, here.
165
00:05:54,305 --> 00:05:55,394
You're talking to Schmidt.
166
00:05:55,417 --> 00:05:57,109
Schmidt, I think
I'm getting my period.
167
00:06:01,112 --> 00:06:02,112
Okay.
168
00:06:02,135 --> 00:06:04,237
This is a real thing, okay?
I looked it up on the Internet.
169
00:06:04,266 --> 00:06:06,134
It's called, uh,
"sympathy PMS," right?
170
00:06:06,183 --> 00:06:07,656
Now, apparently this
is an affliction
171
00:06:07,678 --> 00:06:09,534
that men suffer from
all the time.
172
00:06:09,671 --> 00:06:10,384
Right on.
173
00:06:10,425 --> 00:06:12,441
I don't know
how it happened, man,
174
00:06:12,604 --> 00:06:16,310
but somehow, I got on that
woman's cycle of menstruation...
175
00:06:16,693 --> 00:06:18,362
and I got that menstruation
inside of me.
176
00:06:18,395 --> 00:06:19,455
Winston!
177
00:06:19,486 --> 00:06:21,105
Men can't get their periods.
178
00:06:21,212 --> 00:06:22,350
Where would they
put the tampon?
179
00:06:22,399 --> 00:06:23,766
Hey! Are you calling me stupid?
180
00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:25,405
You're the one
that's stupid, okay?
181
00:06:25,429 --> 00:06:26,482
You jack-faced butthole!
182
00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:28,098
JESS:
Who's the jack-faced butthole
183
00:06:28,129 --> 00:06:29,577
who turned off the hot water?!
184
00:06:29,602 --> 00:06:30,771
Witch!
What have you done to my body?
185
00:06:30,795 --> 00:06:31,962
Shut up, you!
186
00:06:32,213 --> 00:06:33,851
Why is there no hot water?!
187
00:06:33,888 --> 00:06:34,935
Oh, I'm sorry, Jess.
188
00:06:34,954 --> 00:06:36,704
If you don't pay,
you don't play.
189
00:06:36,928 --> 00:06:37,922
You also don't shower.
190
00:06:37,947 --> 00:06:39,180
Are you serious?
191
00:06:39,248 --> 00:06:40,898
- Thank you, Denise.
NICK: Hey, hey!
192
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:41,854
Hey, great buddies.
193
00:06:41,882 --> 00:06:43,238
- Ow, my skin!
- Okay.
194
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:44,871
- Roommates... hey, buddy.
- Don't poke me.
195
00:06:45,563 --> 00:06:48,333
Something wonderful
happened to me today,
196
00:06:48,371 --> 00:06:50,740
and I am no longer angry.
It's gone.
197
00:06:50,765 --> 00:06:52,203
Oh, shut up, Nick.
(Laughs)
198
00:06:52,253 --> 00:06:53,553
So let me get this straight:
199
00:06:53,595 --> 00:06:55,097
Nothing at all's
going to set you off?
200
00:06:55,128 --> 00:06:55,872
That's right.
201
00:06:55,898 --> 00:06:57,348
Nothing's gonna get to me,
202
00:06:57,386 --> 00:06:58,598
'cause it's a new Nick Miller.
203
00:06:58,622 --> 00:07:00,712
Awesome. Hey, Winston,
tell him what you have.
204
00:07:00,769 --> 00:07:02,863
Sympathy PMS.
It's a real thing, I looked it up.
205
00:07:02,889 --> 00:07:04,408
- Sympathy PMS? What's that?
JESS: No!
206
00:07:04,443 --> 00:07:05,762
PMS is mine!
207
00:07:05,806 --> 00:07:07,287
Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.
208
00:07:07,307 --> 00:07:08,374
You're telling me you're having
209
00:07:08,442 --> 00:07:09,961
a pre-menstrual
something right now?
210
00:07:10,035 --> 00:07:11,486
- Yes.
- Okay.
211
00:07:11,528 --> 00:07:13,108
It's like a character
in a Judy Blume novel.
212
00:07:13,127 --> 00:07:14,589
No! You can't have my menzies.
213
00:07:14,645 --> 00:07:15,445
He's got her menzies.
214
00:07:15,463 --> 00:07:16,897
No part of this conversation
215
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:19,088
is making me want to
boil over with rage.
216
00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:21,109
I feel really good, guys.
217
00:07:21,460 --> 00:07:23,762
(Water running)
218
00:07:24,523 --> 00:07:26,123
Hey, gang, why is
the water so cold?
219
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,331
Schmidt turned off
the hot water,
220
00:07:27,354 --> 00:07:29,229
because it's not enough that
I have to go on an interview
221
00:07:29,257 --> 00:07:30,757
with the red devil in my belly,
222
00:07:30,803 --> 00:07:32,634
I also have to go unshowered.
223
00:07:32,651 --> 00:07:34,795
So let me get this straight: there's
no hot water in the whole house?
224
00:07:34,815 --> 00:07:36,082
Yeah.
(Chuckles)
225
00:07:36,125 --> 00:07:36,881
Seems strange.
226
00:07:36,906 --> 00:07:38,507
Maybe a cold shower
will wake you up
227
00:07:38,531 --> 00:07:40,645
to some harsh financial
realities, Jessica Day.
228
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:43,552
You don't control my heat,
Theodore P. Gasbag.
229
00:07:43,575 --> 00:07:44,277
NICK:
This is good!
230
00:07:44,326 --> 00:07:45,893
We got a lot of
feelings going around.
231
00:07:45,946 --> 00:07:46,627
A lot of anger.
232
00:07:46,653 --> 00:07:48,187
And you. You...
233
00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,785
You're suddenly calm?
234
00:07:49,815 --> 00:07:51,015
- Yeah.
- Really?
235
00:07:51,134 --> 00:07:53,622
It feels like a fat man's
sitting on my uterus.
236
00:07:53,643 --> 00:07:54,493
I hear that.
237
00:07:54,519 --> 00:07:56,820
(Yelling)
238
00:07:56,850 --> 00:07:57,931
Gonna go to the store!
239
00:07:57,950 --> 00:07:59,801
Does anybody want anything?!
240
00:07:59,904 --> 00:08:01,650
Thank you, Denise.
241
00:08:04,074 --> 00:08:05,074
Hey, you wanted to see me?
242
00:08:05,142 --> 00:08:06,663
Shut the door.
243
00:08:08,010 --> 00:08:08,810
Whoa.
244
00:08:08,846 --> 00:08:11,047
Quick reflexes. Good.
245
00:08:11,472 --> 00:08:14,541
I am going to devour you.
246
00:08:14,638 --> 00:08:17,058
- You see that contract?
- Oh, the thick one?
247
00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:18,615
With all those tabbies?
248
00:08:20,857 --> 00:08:21,974
Do me on it.
249
00:08:22,124 --> 00:08:23,056
Pick that up.
250
00:08:23,081 --> 00:08:26,181
Did you just ask me to pick
it up to see me bend over?
251
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:27,188
No.
252
00:08:27,872 --> 00:08:29,697
Oh, wait, I'm doing it.
253
00:08:29,898 --> 00:08:31,299
Stand up.
254
00:08:32,055 --> 00:08:33,188
(Sighs)
255
00:08:33,250 --> 00:08:34,018
What is this thing?
256
00:08:34,043 --> 00:08:36,124
You're gonna have to sign it before
anything can happen between us.
257
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:37,643
"Party A absolves Party B
258
00:08:37,677 --> 00:08:39,610
"of any psychological trauma,
259
00:08:39,646 --> 00:08:42,015
whether temporary, permanent,
future or imagined."
260
00:08:42,051 --> 00:08:43,679
After we do what we do,
you're gonna want to talk.
261
00:08:43,711 --> 00:08:44,878
I can't allow that.
262
00:08:44,901 --> 00:08:46,694
The less risk I incur,
the more I can focus on
263
00:08:46,719 --> 00:08:49,375
creating a viable sexual
experience for both of us.
264
00:08:49,822 --> 00:08:51,671
You're gonna want to sign it.
265
00:08:51,929 --> 00:08:54,105
"Possible exposure
to lead paint."
266
00:08:54,172 --> 00:08:56,071
Do I have a latex allergy?
267
00:08:56,113 --> 00:08:56,839
That's very important.
268
00:08:56,864 --> 00:08:58,695
"Guaranteed mercury poisoning"?
269
00:08:58,725 --> 00:08:59,544
Mm.
270
00:08:59,592 --> 00:09:00,658
Is this real?
271
00:09:02,606 --> 00:09:05,141
You have till week's end
to sign it.
272
00:09:06,639 --> 00:09:08,359
What is your name?!
273
00:09:08,634 --> 00:09:10,005
I can't keep thinking of you
274
00:09:10,030 --> 00:09:12,030
as my magical best
friend with no name.
275
00:09:12,121 --> 00:09:14,186
Joe. Tommy.
276
00:09:14,390 --> 00:09:16,591
Louis. Tran.
277
00:09:17,584 --> 00:09:19,419
Is it Tran?
278
00:09:19,549 --> 00:09:21,049
(Laughs)
279
00:09:21,079 --> 00:09:22,313
What a crazy guess!
280
00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:24,328
Beautiful name.
Fits you perfectly.
281
00:09:24,573 --> 00:09:27,073
My roommates are killing me.
282
00:09:30,172 --> 00:09:30,990
Fine, you're right.
283
00:09:31,015 --> 00:09:32,042
Okay, I like them, all right?
284
00:09:32,073 --> 00:09:33,917
I hate myself. Is that
what you want me to say?
285
00:09:33,966 --> 00:09:36,629
Why do you always have to
make everything so simple?!
286
00:09:36,736 --> 00:09:38,337
How do you just get it?
287
00:09:38,611 --> 00:09:39,892
How do I become you?
288
00:09:39,936 --> 00:09:42,167
Show me the way, man.
I'll do anything.
289
00:09:44,447 --> 00:09:46,481
(Groans)
290
00:09:46,885 --> 00:09:48,191
All right, man, I'm in.
291
00:09:48,212 --> 00:09:50,681
You lead, my man.
292
00:09:51,193 --> 00:09:53,828
All right, whatever is about
to happen's gonna happen.
293
00:10:11,947 --> 00:10:13,753
Jessica Day?
294
00:10:14,083 --> 00:10:15,650
So why do you want
to teach adults?
295
00:10:15,724 --> 00:10:18,072
I think it's really inspiring
that these people have chosen
296
00:10:18,096 --> 00:10:19,533
to go back to school, you know,
297
00:10:19,557 --> 00:10:21,805
that they want to read
To Kill A Mockingbird,
298
00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:22,942
- that they want...
- Oh!
299
00:10:22,987 --> 00:10:25,294
I named my dog Boo after...
300
00:10:25,324 --> 00:10:26,624
After Boo Radley?
301
00:10:26,656 --> 00:10:28,213
- Exactly.
- That's amazing.
302
00:10:28,262 --> 00:10:29,398
Oh, my God.
303
00:10:29,412 --> 00:10:30,333
She was a puppy.
304
00:10:30,333 --> 00:10:31,296
She's so cute.
305
00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:32,553
I know.
306
00:10:32,584 --> 00:10:34,051
Such a cutie.
307
00:10:37,265 --> 00:10:38,599
(Sniffles)
308
00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:43,721
(Sniffles)
309
00:10:43,776 --> 00:10:46,977
(Voice breaking):
This cup is so tiny.
310
00:10:47,451 --> 00:10:49,473
So cute.
311
00:10:49,558 --> 00:10:51,291
Sorry, how did
she fit in the cup?
312
00:10:51,315 --> 00:10:52,423
I just don't understand.
313
00:10:52,448 --> 00:10:55,550
Just physically,
how did she get so small?
314
00:10:56,612 --> 00:10:58,450
I'm sorry, um...
315
00:10:58,519 --> 00:10:59,986
I'm sorry, I got this...
316
00:11:00,254 --> 00:11:01,554
I don't know what's wrong.
317
00:11:01,597 --> 00:11:02,550
So weird.
318
00:11:02,606 --> 00:11:04,585
Never happens to me.
319
00:11:05,009 --> 00:11:06,021
She's really cute.
320
00:11:06,056 --> 00:11:07,312
Yes, she was.
321
00:11:14,678 --> 00:11:15,947
Did she die?
322
00:11:16,025 --> 00:11:17,058
It's fine.
323
00:11:17,270 --> 00:11:18,403
It's been two years.
324
00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:20,315
(Sputters)
325
00:11:20,729 --> 00:11:22,809
(Sobbing)
326
00:11:26,343 --> 00:11:29,224
(Sobbing):
Puppy...
327
00:11:30,142 --> 00:11:32,805
in a...
328
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,747
cup.
329
00:11:35,082 --> 00:11:37,383
(Sobbing)
330
00:11:37,589 --> 00:11:38,639
(Sniffles)
331
00:11:38,678 --> 00:11:40,079
So... (Chuckles)
332
00:11:40,107 --> 00:11:42,715
we're both dog people, right?
333
00:11:47,912 --> 00:11:49,469
Schmidt, am I nice?
334
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:51,309
- No.
- Thank you.
335
00:11:52,604 --> 00:11:54,898
Nobody thinks
I'm a nice girl, okay?
336
00:11:54,922 --> 00:11:55,855
I'm the mistake.
337
00:11:55,906 --> 00:11:57,540
Ah, Robby.
338
00:11:57,564 --> 00:11:59,652
Midwestern heart,
Midwestern body.
339
00:11:59,690 --> 00:12:01,283
I'm the one
who messes things up.
340
00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:02,224
I agree with you.
341
00:12:02,249 --> 00:12:04,337
I feel like
he doesn't even know me.
342
00:12:04,458 --> 00:12:06,259
(Groans)
343
00:12:06,289 --> 00:12:07,814
You're getting your smell
all over the comforter.
344
00:12:07,850 --> 00:12:08,653
Oh, my God.
345
00:12:08,684 --> 00:12:10,696
Took me months to get rid of
that heavenly curry smell.
346
00:12:10,721 --> 00:12:12,045
What happens when he realizes
347
00:12:12,078 --> 00:12:14,246
he was wrong about
me the entire time?
348
00:12:14,658 --> 00:12:15,724
He's just gonna run away.
349
00:12:15,761 --> 00:12:17,362
I would, I would
never run away from you.
350
00:12:18,909 --> 00:12:21,414
But if I did, I would run
way faster than Robby.
351
00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:24,442
'Cause he's slow.
352
00:12:24,709 --> 00:12:25,743
And I'm fast.
353
00:12:28,834 --> 00:12:31,935
Maybe I'm just not meant for
a functional relationship.
354
00:12:32,940 --> 00:12:33,877
You know me, Schmidt.
355
00:12:33,910 --> 00:12:36,636
You don't ever
have to be nice around me.
356
00:12:36,855 --> 00:12:37,955
I'm not scared of you.
357
00:12:38,020 --> 00:12:39,955
I mean, I'm bad.
358
00:12:41,670 --> 00:12:43,212
I do...
359
00:12:43,315 --> 00:12:45,692
I do bad things.
360
00:12:46,053 --> 00:12:47,916
I don't think
you're a nice girl.
361
00:12:48,523 --> 00:12:50,089
Think you're the worst.
362
00:12:58,301 --> 00:12:59,234
No.
363
00:12:59,258 --> 00:12:59,983
No...?
364
00:13:00,014 --> 00:13:02,548
No. I can't do
this to Robby.
365
00:13:02,611 --> 00:13:04,341
But you're a bad person.
We discussed that.
366
00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:06,374
- You're a bad person,
I'm a bad person. - Yep.
367
00:13:06,403 --> 00:13:08,070
We can totally do this.
No qualms.
368
00:13:08,107 --> 00:13:09,920
- I have a qualm. I have a qualm.
- You don't have a qualm.
369
00:13:09,952 --> 00:13:10,907
We sold our qualms,
370
00:13:10,932 --> 00:13:12,507
and we used the profits
to buy perfect bodies.
371
00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:14,576
- Robby is right.
- Hmm.
372
00:13:14,614 --> 00:13:16,589
- I'm nice.
- I'm not nice, all right?
373
00:13:16,626 --> 00:13:19,934
And I like Robby, but that is
doing nothing right now
374
00:13:19,985 --> 00:13:22,019
from stopping me
from wanting to kiss you.
375
00:13:22,074 --> 00:13:23,120
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
376
00:13:23,138 --> 00:13:24,739
But I-I don't want to stop.
(Laughs)
377
00:13:24,812 --> 00:13:25,675
I really don't.
378
00:13:25,712 --> 00:13:27,731
I will never stop
wanting to kiss you.
379
00:13:27,934 --> 00:13:30,184
I am a monster.
380
00:13:31,553 --> 00:13:32,545
I got to go.
381
00:13:32,598 --> 00:13:33,932
Yeah, sure.
Have fun.
382
00:13:34,031 --> 00:13:36,144
Thank you. I really
needed this.
383
00:13:36,242 --> 00:13:37,142
Mm-hmm.
384
00:13:41,122 --> 00:13:42,723
(Sighs)
385
00:13:42,823 --> 00:13:43,789
(Door closes)
386
00:13:44,969 --> 00:13:46,344
And I...
387
00:13:50,313 --> 00:13:52,443
I'm a monster.
388
00:13:53,824 --> 00:13:54,991
Okay.
389
00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:56,728
What is this place?
390
00:13:56,950 --> 00:13:59,685
What are you...?
391
00:14:00,022 --> 00:14:01,623
What would you like?
392
00:14:01,691 --> 00:14:03,312
What does this mean?
393
00:14:03,469 --> 00:14:05,150
Let's not do this.
394
00:14:05,195 --> 00:14:07,314
Let's not take off our clothes.
395
00:14:07,345 --> 00:14:09,613
Let's go back to the park
where it was good...
396
00:14:11,165 --> 00:14:13,000
(Sighs)
397
00:14:17,005 --> 00:14:18,873
What do I know?
398
00:14:22,507 --> 00:14:25,210
We're taking our pants off?
399
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:28,943
Okay. Keep those underwear on,
am I right?
400
00:14:29,006 --> 00:14:30,740
(Chuckles):
Yeah.
401
00:14:30,851 --> 00:14:32,886
Stay on.
Underwear good.
402
00:14:32,954 --> 00:14:35,588
(Groaning)
403
00:14:35,656 --> 00:14:38,125
(Flute playing ethereal music)
404
00:14:38,192 --> 00:14:40,860
Why are you cradling me
like a baby, friend?
405
00:14:40,904 --> 00:14:43,751
This is not how guys
of my generation hang out.
406
00:14:43,838 --> 00:14:47,719
This is a moment
that got away from me, man.
407
00:14:51,972 --> 00:14:53,940
Oh, that's my butt.
408
00:14:53,975 --> 00:14:56,110
This is intimate.
409
00:14:56,209 --> 00:14:58,344
(Sighs)
410
00:14:59,187 --> 00:15:01,488
(Whispers):
How did you know?
411
00:15:01,623 --> 00:15:04,292
(Sighs)
412
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:08,878
You are a huge baby.
413
00:15:08,902 --> 00:15:10,953
Yeah, I am.
414
00:15:11,427 --> 00:15:15,529
I am a huge baby.
415
00:15:15,860 --> 00:15:17,127
Forget it, I'm done.
416
00:15:17,182 --> 00:15:18,582
I'm not getting a teaching job.
417
00:15:18,619 --> 00:15:19,149
Mm.
418
00:15:19,167 --> 00:15:20,873
Just can't go back out there,
you know?
419
00:15:20,913 --> 00:15:22,180
Oh, I feel you, Jess.
420
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:23,598
I took a sick day.
421
00:15:23,626 --> 00:15:26,626
I just stayed at home and did
a watercolor of mountains.
422
00:15:26,737 --> 00:15:28,738
So you gonna get this,
like, every month?
423
00:15:28,775 --> 00:15:30,736
I mean, it's a possibility
from all the information
424
00:15:30,767 --> 00:15:32,011
that I've read on the Internet.
425
00:15:32,092 --> 00:15:33,240
That women like you
426
00:15:33,256 --> 00:15:34,568
- are the alpha.
- What?
427
00:15:34,586 --> 00:15:37,242
You're like the powerful moon,
and all the women in your life
428
00:15:37,273 --> 00:15:39,975
are just latched on
to your cycle.
429
00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:43,575
In my case, grown-ass man.
430
00:15:44,149 --> 00:15:46,123
Oh, yeah, good news.
431
00:15:46,610 --> 00:15:47,909
The gang's all here.
432
00:15:47,934 --> 00:15:48,926
Guys just PMS-ing?
433
00:15:48,944 --> 00:15:49,689
Not in the mood today.
434
00:15:49,707 --> 00:15:51,158
Don't really feel like
being yelled at,
435
00:15:51,198 --> 00:15:52,699
so what I'm gonna do
is go ahead and leave,
436
00:15:52,728 --> 00:15:54,634
because right now I'm
feeling very fragile.
437
00:15:54,659 --> 00:15:55,312
I understand.
438
00:15:55,342 --> 00:15:56,216
What's wrong with you?
439
00:15:56,253 --> 00:15:57,504
I'm no longer angry!
440
00:15:57,635 --> 00:16:00,348
All the anger that used to
be inside of me is gone!
441
00:16:00,385 --> 00:16:01,825
It's gone, it's gone!
442
00:16:01,844 --> 00:16:04,545
This is the worst thing
I've ever seen.
443
00:16:05,357 --> 00:16:07,596
- What is wrong with you?
- No.
444
00:16:07,628 --> 00:16:08,791
Period's got you down?
445
00:16:08,809 --> 00:16:10,365
That is such a raw deal.
446
00:16:10,406 --> 00:16:11,900
Want me to get you
a sanitary napkin?
447
00:16:11,947 --> 00:16:13,014
Ew!
448
00:16:13,049 --> 00:16:14,006
Okay, I won't get that.
449
00:16:14,025 --> 00:16:15,819
But you're okay
with pads or tampons
450
00:16:15,851 --> 00:16:17,218
or whatever it is
that you're using?
451
00:16:17,254 --> 00:16:18,188
(Blows raspberries)
452
00:16:18,286 --> 00:16:20,157
Tell me about your day, please.
453
00:16:20,190 --> 00:16:21,784
I want to get into
your universe.
454
00:16:21,823 --> 00:16:23,659
Let's rap it out. Go.
455
00:16:24,062 --> 00:16:25,634
Floor is yours, pal.
456
00:16:25,660 --> 00:16:27,185
Talk, talk, talk.
457
00:16:27,215 --> 00:16:28,079
I want to listen.
458
00:16:28,104 --> 00:16:29,942
- No.
- 30 seconds of direct eye contact?
459
00:16:29,967 --> 00:16:31,535
Stop it, Nick. Please, stop.
460
00:16:31,564 --> 00:16:32,597
In three seconds,
I'll be silent.
461
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,474
One, two...
462
00:16:35,817 --> 00:16:37,370
I bombed all my interviews.
463
00:16:37,404 --> 00:16:38,684
What? What happened?
464
00:16:38,708 --> 00:16:41,740
I was sabotaged by my baby box,
465
00:16:41,808 --> 00:16:43,208
which means I'm never
466
00:16:43,226 --> 00:16:44,880
gonna trust anything
that comes out of it.
467
00:16:44,917 --> 00:16:46,918
So that rules out a family.
468
00:16:46,986 --> 00:16:49,287
I know just the thing you need.
469
00:16:49,424 --> 00:16:50,893
Come with me.
470
00:16:51,483 --> 00:16:54,447
Welcome to the wonderful world
of water massage.
471
00:17:01,310 --> 00:17:03,929
You are a piece of seaweed.
472
00:17:04,095 --> 00:17:06,272
You are totally happy.
473
00:17:06,303 --> 00:17:06,959
Ow!
474
00:17:06,986 --> 00:17:08,636
- I don't mean to touch your boobs!
- You're touching my boobs!
475
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:09,494
I don't mean to
touch your boobs!
476
00:17:09,521 --> 00:17:10,721
Fail, fail, fail.
477
00:17:10,752 --> 00:17:11,852
The next move is...
478
00:17:11,876 --> 00:17:13,009
Oh, my...!
479
00:17:13,071 --> 00:17:15,505
Relaxing is important.
Relaxing is important.
480
00:17:15,574 --> 00:17:19,209
(Both shouting)
481
00:17:19,277 --> 00:17:21,111
Relax!
482
00:17:21,422 --> 00:17:22,360
Oh, no.
483
00:17:22,381 --> 00:17:23,748
What are you trying to do?!
484
00:17:24,059 --> 00:17:24,722
Kill me?!
485
00:17:24,750 --> 00:17:26,350
It worked for me.
486
00:17:26,550 --> 00:17:28,179
I was trying to help you.
487
00:17:28,564 --> 00:17:30,913
I've been watching you
doubt yourself for months.
488
00:17:30,988 --> 00:17:33,063
- I'm not doubting myself.
- You're doubting yourself, Jess.
489
00:17:33,112 --> 00:17:35,589
- No, Nick, it's PMS.
- It's not PMS.
490
00:17:36,894 --> 00:17:38,628
You got knocked down.
491
00:17:38,696 --> 00:17:40,128
It's time to get back up.
492
00:17:40,596 --> 00:17:43,184
And get up long enough for
one of these bozos to hire you.
493
00:17:44,787 --> 00:17:46,788
I believe in you.
494
00:17:47,489 --> 00:17:48,897
So does that guy.
495
00:17:49,706 --> 00:17:50,872
Hey.
496
00:17:50,940 --> 00:17:52,373
Think you can do that?
497
00:17:52,785 --> 00:17:55,647
And if you don't, I'm gonna
water massage you again.
498
00:17:56,011 --> 00:17:57,706
- Can you do that?
- Yes.
499
00:17:57,725 --> 00:17:59,814
- Can you do that?
- Yes!
500
00:18:01,854 --> 00:18:03,156
Jessica Day?
501
00:18:03,284 --> 00:18:05,686
- Yes, I'm here.
- Weren't you here the other day?
502
00:18:05,754 --> 00:18:07,672
Weren't you here the other day?
503
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:09,723
Yes, I was.
504
00:18:13,246 --> 00:18:16,530
Well, I signed it.
Please note the added provision.
505
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:19,004
In any autobiographical
account of my life,
506
00:18:19,028 --> 00:18:22,084
you want to be referred to
as Moises Perdue.
507
00:18:22,121 --> 00:18:23,888
Non-negotiable.
508
00:18:24,100 --> 00:18:26,234
But you're fine
with the rest of it?
509
00:18:26,258 --> 00:18:28,816
Look, I'm a depraved freak,
and I want to wander into
510
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,975
your Narnia of sexual terror
511
00:18:31,015 --> 00:18:33,840
and emerge
like a freshly birthed calf.
512
00:18:34,484 --> 00:18:35,351
Put your hands out.
513
00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:37,013
Let's do this.
514
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:38,182
(Rope cracks)
515
00:18:38,648 --> 00:18:39,922
Are you ready?
516
00:18:42,118 --> 00:18:43,719
I'm ready.
All right.
517
00:18:43,806 --> 00:18:44,851
Oh, yeah.
518
00:18:46,528 --> 00:18:47,296
(Chuckles):
Okay.
519
00:18:47,364 --> 00:18:48,484
Interesting technique.
520
00:18:49,995 --> 00:18:50,652
Hold tight.
521
00:18:50,676 --> 00:18:53,208
I mean, I could totally
get out of this.
522
00:18:53,325 --> 00:18:55,060
What, have you never
bound somebody before?
523
00:18:55,222 --> 00:18:56,355
I got to start over.
(Laughs)
524
00:18:56,474 --> 00:18:57,893
This your first time?
525
00:19:01,075 --> 00:19:02,377
(Whispers):
Are you rejecting me?
526
00:19:02,444 --> 00:19:04,011
No, I-- no.
527
00:19:04,391 --> 00:19:05,135
I mean...
528
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:08,829
Because legally...
you can't.
529
00:19:09,329 --> 00:19:10,329
(Chuckles)
530
00:19:12,004 --> 00:19:13,405
Now take off your pants.
531
00:19:14,036 --> 00:19:14,669
Okay.
532
00:19:14,755 --> 00:19:15,656
Now.
533
00:19:15,723 --> 00:19:17,123
All right, all right.
534
00:19:19,651 --> 00:19:22,110
I got it. I got it.
535
00:19:22,188 --> 00:19:23,788
Right there. Oh.
536
00:19:23,899 --> 00:19:24,951
No, I got it.
537
00:19:24,980 --> 00:19:26,214
Hold on, I got it.
538
00:19:26,270 --> 00:19:29,137
I did it. I did it.
539
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:30,336
Ladies and gentlemen,
540
00:19:30,404 --> 00:19:31,723
drumroll please.
541
00:19:31,751 --> 00:19:33,673
(Imitating drumroll)
(Imitating high hat rhythm)
542
00:19:33,707 --> 00:19:35,575
Cut! Cut, Nick!
543
00:19:35,611 --> 00:19:36,336
Snare drum.
544
00:19:36,373 --> 00:19:37,579
I shouldn't have to specify.
545
00:19:37,664 --> 00:19:39,889
- Jess, that was a cymbal.
- Cymbals are part of the drum kit.
546
00:19:39,926 --> 00:19:40,658
Yeah.
547
00:19:40,704 --> 00:19:43,040
Nevertheless, we are gathered
here today to celebrate
548
00:19:43,058 --> 00:19:45,903
the reemployment
of Jessica F. Day.
549
00:19:45,938 --> 00:19:48,432
- Not my middle initial.
- Who will once again
550
00:19:48,457 --> 00:19:51,037
be in the classroom, molding
the minds of children.
551
00:19:51,077 --> 00:19:54,013
Actually, I'm gonna be remolding
the minds of grown-ups,
552
00:19:54,042 --> 00:19:56,344
'cause I'm gonna be teaching
creative writing to adults.
553
00:19:56,373 --> 00:19:57,506
So, what, are you
gonna be, like,
554
00:19:57,544 --> 00:19:58,811
reading a bunch of
weirdos' writing?
555
00:19:58,837 --> 00:20:00,420
Well, I hope you like
stories about vampires
556
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:01,933
- and bad childhoods.
- I do.
557
00:20:01,978 --> 00:20:03,266
- You're gonna get them.
- In any case,
558
00:20:03,297 --> 00:20:06,228
I think I speak for all of us
when I say that we are thrilled
559
00:20:06,253 --> 00:20:08,922
that you will once again have
a reason to shower daily.
560
00:20:08,951 --> 00:20:10,001
Yes.
561
00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:13,345
Now, let there be gas.
562
00:20:13,632 --> 00:20:15,133
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
563
00:20:15,153 --> 00:20:16,378
Ah, yeah!
564
00:20:16,433 --> 00:20:19,283
- Gonna be hot water in six to ten
minutes, fool! What?! - Yeah!
565
00:20:19,331 --> 00:20:20,564
("Jump Around"
by House of Pain playing)
566
00:20:20,607 --> 00:20:23,242
(Cheering)
567
00:20:24,856 --> 00:20:26,790
(Chanting):
Schmidt! Schmidt!
568
00:20:26,858 --> 00:20:28,024
ALL:
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
569
00:20:28,092 --> 00:20:29,680
- Where's Winston?
- Where is Winston?
570
00:20:29,723 --> 00:20:31,056
- Go get Winston!
- Where is he?
571
00:20:31,086 --> 00:20:33,120
(Chanting): Schmidt! Schmidt!
Schmidt! Schmidt!
572
00:20:33,144 --> 00:20:34,810
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
573
00:20:34,847 --> 00:20:36,694
Schmidt! Schmidt!
574
00:20:36,767 --> 00:20:38,388
JESS:
Come on, jump around with us.
575
00:20:38,435 --> 00:20:40,330
Come jump with us, Winston.
576
00:20:40,381 --> 00:20:42,014
Sleepy eyes.
577
00:20:42,059 --> 00:20:43,133
Hey.
578
00:20:43,665 --> 00:20:45,239
(Music stops)
What's going on, man?
579
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:49,795
I don't really have PMS.
580
00:20:50,011 --> 00:20:52,446
I know. You're a man.
581
00:20:53,063 --> 00:20:54,963
(Sobbing)
582
00:20:56,217 --> 00:20:57,952
I miss Shelby.
583
00:20:58,437 --> 00:21:00,238
This is all about your breakup?
584
00:21:01,856 --> 00:21:03,650
I know just the thing you need.
585
00:21:03,719 --> 00:21:04,763
Oh, no.
586
00:21:04,810 --> 00:21:06,244
Just relax and breathe.
(Playing music)
587
00:21:06,288 --> 00:21:07,386
I'll take your shoulders.
588
00:21:07,417 --> 00:21:08,666
I'll take your feet.
589
00:21:08,862 --> 00:21:10,430
This is really weird, man.
590
00:21:10,498 --> 00:21:11,631
Really weird.
591
00:21:11,699 --> 00:21:12,732
Cool vibe, man.
592
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,835
WINSTON:
What are you guys doing now?
593
00:21:15,903 --> 00:21:17,665
What have I gotten myself into?
594
00:21:17,683 --> 00:21:18,790
SCHMIDT:
Hey, lady,
595
00:21:19,015 --> 00:21:20,456
crushing that flute, babe.
596
00:21:21,007 --> 00:21:22,138
And breathe.
597
00:21:22,205 --> 00:21:23,704
Okay, I'm trying.
I'm gonna do that.
598
00:21:23,723 --> 00:21:24,741
Whoa.
Just chill out.
599
00:21:24,759 --> 00:21:26,622
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing with my legs?
600
00:21:26,656 --> 00:21:28,193
No! Come on!
Come on, chill out!
601
00:21:28,274 --> 00:21:29,274
(Laughter)
602
00:21:29,349 --> 00:21:30,582
Nick, what are you doing, man?!
603
00:21:30,650 --> 00:21:31,917
Reset. Let's reset.
604
00:21:32,034 --> 00:21:33,338
This is weird!
605
00:21:33,885 --> 00:21:35,966
No! No! No!
606
00:21:36,954 --> 00:21:41,954
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther