1
00:00:01,750 --> 00:00:04,031
To my dear friends,
Melissa and Sadie.
2
00:00:04,056 --> 00:00:05,434
- Aw.
- Five years together.
3
00:00:05,457 --> 00:00:06,592
- That is awesome.
- Hear, hear.
4
00:00:06,617 --> 00:00:08,376
- What is your secret?
- I don't really think there is
5
00:00:08,395 --> 00:00:10,129
a secret. I think
it's just about...
6
00:00:10,686 --> 00:00:12,901
love, understanding, and...
7
00:00:13,208 --> 00:00:14,389
two sets of boobs.
8
00:00:14,451 --> 00:00:16,698
I love boobs.
I love 'em.
9
00:00:16,822 --> 00:00:19,873
- I love... - Okay
- ...everything about 'em. - Yeah, I do, too.
10
00:00:19,896 --> 00:00:21,365
All different kinds.
(Blubbering)
11
00:00:21,394 --> 00:00:23,234
(Blubbering)
Yeah, that's my thing too.
12
00:00:23,279 --> 00:00:24,340
I love them.
13
00:00:24,364 --> 00:00:26,857
SCHMIDT:
And the Curiosity Rover has touched down
14
00:00:26,877 --> 00:00:28,507
- on the planet of Mars.
SADIE: What's happening right now?
15
00:00:28,531 --> 00:00:29,450
What's happening in there?
16
00:00:29,466 --> 00:00:31,792
Schmidt's in there
with his boss.
17
00:00:32,117 --> 00:00:33,367
He's entertaining her.
18
00:00:33,379 --> 00:00:34,261
Ew.
19
00:00:34,338 --> 00:00:35,673
I don't care what he does.
20
00:00:35,691 --> 00:00:37,996
I just don't understand
why he has to narrate it!
21
00:00:38,014 --> 00:00:39,752
SCHMIDT:
Robot arm engaged!
22
00:00:39,884 --> 00:00:41,365
It's just engaged now?
23
00:00:41,396 --> 00:00:43,685
So he's saying
everything up to this point
24
00:00:43,709 --> 00:00:44,940
has been foreplay?
25
00:00:44,963 --> 00:00:46,183
Are you kidding me?
That's ridiculous.
26
00:00:46,206 --> 00:00:48,394
What are you gonna do
for 20 minutes of foreplay?
27
00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:50,792
Boring! Yawn!
28
00:00:53,161 --> 00:00:54,426
Am I right, ladies?
29
00:00:54,449 --> 00:00:56,450
So, I actually know
what's about to happen next.
30
00:00:56,493 --> 00:00:59,294
- You will all want to cover your ears.
SCHMIDT: I found water!
31
00:00:59,334 --> 00:01:01,272
- No, I didn't do it in time.
- Oh, he found...
32
00:01:01,291 --> 00:01:03,255
Has anybody seen a movie
in the last five months,
33
00:01:03,274 --> 00:01:06,213
and can you describe the plot
in great detail and loudly?
34
00:01:06,244 --> 00:01:08,532
- Okay, you're dry.
- Actually, I'm good. Thank you.
35
00:01:08,563 --> 00:01:11,185
Come on. I spent six dollars
on this wine.
36
00:01:11,225 --> 00:01:13,492
I've been looking for the right
time to tell you tonight,
37
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,363
(Schmidt singing 2001: A Space Odyssey
theme) but Melissa and I are so excited
38
00:01:16,388 --> 00:01:17,913
because... Wow.
39
00:01:17,932 --> 00:01:19,699
That is so upsetting.
40
00:01:21,042 --> 00:01:23,098
What mission is this based on?!
41
00:01:23,118 --> 00:01:25,019
I'm pregnant!
We are pregnant!
42
00:01:25,044 --> 00:01:27,511
Wha...?
(Excited shouts)
43
00:01:31,522 --> 00:01:34,010
Lesbian baby.
Congratulations, you guys.
44
00:01:34,883 --> 00:01:36,399
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
45
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,669
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
46
00:01:38,688 --> 00:01:43,024
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
47
00:01:43,614 --> 00:01:45,132
I feel so lucky, you know?
48
00:01:45,153 --> 00:01:47,454
Like I really tucked this
one in just under the wire.
49
00:01:47,485 --> 00:01:49,079
What do you mean?
You're so young.
50
00:01:49,103 --> 00:01:51,238
As your friendly
neighborhood gynecologist,
51
00:01:51,265 --> 00:01:53,611
you should know that by
the time a lady hits 30,
52
00:01:53,631 --> 00:01:55,965
she loses about
90% of her eggs.
53
00:01:56,645 --> 00:01:57,710
- What?
CECE: No, th-that
54
00:01:57,741 --> 00:01:58,775
- can't be true.
- What?
55
00:01:58,804 --> 00:01:59,894
Did you know
that there's a test
56
00:01:59,919 --> 00:02:01,382
that you can take
that tells you how many beans
57
00:02:01,406 --> 00:02:03,001
- you got left in your bean sack?
- Ovaries.
58
00:02:03,064 --> 00:02:04,284
It estimates basically
59
00:02:04,302 --> 00:02:06,218
how many childbearing
years you have left.
60
00:02:06,265 --> 00:02:07,298
Yeah, get this baloney:
61
00:02:07,348 --> 00:02:09,722
I'm 32, but my eggs are 48,
62
00:02:09,821 --> 00:02:12,334
and my vagina is 97.
63
00:02:12,352 --> 00:02:13,823
- I am so uncomfortable.
- But it gets
64
00:02:13,854 --> 00:02:15,456
better with age-- it's like
65
00:02:15,474 --> 00:02:17,375
- the vagina Helen Mirren.
- Oh, boy.
66
00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:19,069
I've got big plans
for the centennial.
67
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:20,312
JESS:
When can I take that test?
68
00:02:20,330 --> 00:02:22,327
CECE: Who cares?
Personally, I'm still on
69
00:02:22,357 --> 00:02:23,864
the please-God-I-hope-
I'm-not-pregnant phase.
70
00:02:23,889 --> 00:02:25,330
- What am I doing here?
- You know, just
71
00:02:25,362 --> 00:02:27,043
clinically speaking,
it's probably
72
00:02:27,055 --> 00:02:28,356
- a good idea to know.
JESS: I want
73
00:02:28,374 --> 00:02:29,490
to take this test! Like, now.
74
00:02:29,525 --> 00:02:30,658
Can we take this test right now?
75
00:02:30,702 --> 00:02:31,487
WINSTON:
Morning, ladies.
76
00:02:31,523 --> 00:02:32,523
And Nick.
77
00:02:32,563 --> 00:02:33,726
- Morning?
- Well, I mean, I work
78
00:02:33,744 --> 00:02:36,408
nights now, so I'm on an
adjusted sleeping schedule.
79
00:02:36,539 --> 00:02:38,526
I just woke up,
here's my breakfast,
80
00:02:38,551 --> 00:02:39,453
I'm going to work.
81
00:02:39,478 --> 00:02:40,971
Take me with you! They're
talking about vaginas!
82
00:02:40,989 --> 00:02:42,301
I hate it! Take
me with you!
83
00:02:42,376 --> 00:02:43,209
(Laughing)
84
00:02:45,048 --> 00:02:47,114
Our bodies really
made something.
85
00:02:47,482 --> 00:02:49,419
I feel like we brought
manufacturing jobs
86
00:02:49,456 --> 00:02:51,662
- back to America.
- Yeah, it was fine.
87
00:02:51,852 --> 00:02:53,301
What do you mean "fine"?
88
00:02:53,430 --> 00:02:54,818
I broke your brain, girl.
89
00:02:54,890 --> 00:02:56,732
How do I put this delicately?
90
00:02:56,889 --> 00:02:58,056
I was...
91
00:02:58,117 --> 00:03:00,018
nowhere close to finishing.
92
00:03:00,711 --> 00:03:01,742
I was bored.
93
00:03:01,916 --> 00:03:03,374
And cold.
94
00:03:06,762 --> 00:03:09,387
(Quietly):
That's cool. Uh...
95
00:03:09,793 --> 00:03:10,916
No, yeah.
96
00:03:11,059 --> 00:03:12,393
(Chuckles)
97
00:03:13,011 --> 00:03:14,345
World shattered.
98
00:03:14,607 --> 00:03:16,327
We'll try again.
It'll be better.
99
00:03:16,459 --> 00:03:18,990
The world I once lived in...
shattered.
100
00:03:19,029 --> 00:03:20,025
All right, see you at work.
101
00:03:20,060 --> 00:03:21,862
See you at work.
102
00:03:22,629 --> 00:03:24,419
MAN: Put me on the air.
I got something to say
103
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:25,944
about Andrew Bynum's hair.
104
00:03:26,124 --> 00:03:28,220
All right, caller,
you're up next.
105
00:03:28,859 --> 00:03:30,647
Look at you, man. This is great.
106
00:03:30,687 --> 00:03:32,162
You're the king
of your own castle.
107
00:03:32,188 --> 00:03:33,863
(Chuckles)
108
00:03:33,929 --> 00:03:35,574
Look at this. What is this?
109
00:03:35,698 --> 00:03:37,748
Why do you need so many pens,
you big shot?
110
00:03:37,772 --> 00:03:39,574
I like what I do, man.
I finally feel like my life
111
00:03:39,599 --> 00:03:41,058
is moving
in the right direction.
112
00:03:41,089 --> 00:03:43,414
That is what I don't
have in my life.
113
00:03:44,234 --> 00:03:45,697
But not anymore.
114
00:03:46,604 --> 00:03:48,105
I'm gonna take
one of these pens,
115
00:03:48,172 --> 00:03:49,527
I'm gonna go home,
116
00:03:49,558 --> 00:03:51,586
and I'm gonna write
my zombie novel.
117
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:53,966
You don't think
I can do it, do you?
118
00:03:53,989 --> 00:03:55,496
You know, it's not that.
It's just that sometimes
119
00:03:55,525 --> 00:03:56,892
I get the feeling that you...
120
00:03:57,047 --> 00:03:58,610
don't want to write.
121
00:04:02,775 --> 00:04:04,242
(Scoffs)
122
00:04:05,305 --> 00:04:07,205
No more excuses.
I'm gonna go home,
123
00:04:07,236 --> 00:04:08,530
and I'm gonna write that novel.
124
00:04:08,573 --> 00:04:09,949
And I'll be the
first to read it.
125
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:11,469
- We got a deal, friend.
- Deal.
126
00:04:11,493 --> 00:04:12,863
MAN: Yeah, you still
have me on the line.
127
00:04:12,893 --> 00:04:15,227
My two cents? He's never gonna
write that book.
128
00:04:15,263 --> 00:04:17,669
- Why don't you shut up,
Manny from Cerritos?- Okay.
129
00:04:17,694 --> 00:04:19,774
- Who asked you?
Hang up the phone. - All right.
130
00:04:20,375 --> 00:04:21,576
We should go.
131
00:04:21,631 --> 00:04:23,284
Melissa's been drinking for two.
132
00:04:23,550 --> 00:04:24,251
Three.
133
00:04:24,268 --> 00:04:25,802
JESS:
Awesome night, ladies.
134
00:04:25,851 --> 00:04:27,603
- Educational. Thank you.
- Sorry. I'm just...
135
00:04:27,649 --> 00:04:28,996
- Okay. I'm sorry.
- What?
136
00:04:29,021 --> 00:04:31,164
Sadie, before you leave, can I
just ask you a few questions?
137
00:04:31,209 --> 00:04:32,345
I know where this is going.
138
00:04:32,369 --> 00:04:33,676
You are a gynecologist
139
00:04:33,722 --> 00:04:36,110
and a lesbian,
which makes you...
140
00:04:36,157 --> 00:04:37,109
well, a va-genius.
141
00:04:37,149 --> 00:04:38,201
- Jar.
- I know
142
00:04:38,225 --> 00:04:39,668
my way around a Grizzly Adams.
143
00:04:39,705 --> 00:04:40,968
You, too? Jar.
144
00:04:41,038 --> 00:04:42,565
- Wh...
- As an adult male,
145
00:04:42,599 --> 00:04:45,264
I would like to ask you a few
questions about, you know,
146
00:04:45,289 --> 00:04:46,402
the downstairs girl cookie.
147
00:04:46,427 --> 00:04:47,947
Jars, jars, all around jars!
148
00:04:47,971 --> 00:04:49,925
This is my personal time
right now.
149
00:04:49,952 --> 00:04:51,679
You can make an appointment
at my office,
150
00:04:51,704 --> 00:04:53,517
pay your $40 co-pay.
151
00:04:53,562 --> 00:04:55,363
I will be happy
to answer your questions.
152
00:04:55,432 --> 00:04:56,866
Yes! I'm in. Please.
153
00:04:57,020 --> 00:04:59,456
Now, would I have to put
my legs up in the stirrups?
154
00:04:59,475 --> 00:05:01,416
- Why would you?
- I'm asking more so out of curiosity
155
00:05:01,443 --> 00:05:03,577
- than fear. #excitement.
- Are you done?
156
00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:05,353
I'm done. I'll see you, okay?
157
00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:06,605
- I'm gonna call the office.
- Okay.
158
00:05:06,863 --> 00:05:08,897
Well, thank you, guys,
for the...
159
00:05:08,964 --> 00:05:10,340
awesome drunky
160
00:05:10,359 --> 00:05:12,141
- thing and the weirdly sobering end.
- Look,
161
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,275
I know Sadie freaked you out
with all this talk about tests,
162
00:05:14,303 --> 00:05:16,616
but I just want to remind you
that at the end of the day,
163
00:05:16,673 --> 00:05:18,806
it's all about love.
164
00:05:18,899 --> 00:05:21,105
I mean, I love Sadie.
165
00:05:21,203 --> 00:05:23,803
I want my babies to have
her beautiful face.
166
00:05:24,027 --> 00:05:26,169
As long as they don't get
her big, fat man-feet.
167
00:05:26,212 --> 00:05:28,725
Yuck. Fingers crossed
we go donor on that one.
168
00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:29,550
Okay.
169
00:05:29,575 --> 00:05:31,266
- Let's make a graceful exit, my love.
- Okay.
170
00:05:31,303 --> 00:05:33,572
Hey, get out of here,
you crazy lesbos,
171
00:05:33,584 --> 00:05:34,693
with your baby-making!
172
00:05:34,717 --> 00:05:35,917
- Ooh!
- Whoo!
173
00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:37,646
Ah! I'm married;
I'm not dead!
174
00:05:37,723 --> 00:05:39,804
- Night.
CECE:- See you.
175
00:05:41,076 --> 00:05:42,968
Drive safely.
176
00:05:43,597 --> 00:05:46,099
(Panting)
177
00:05:46,517 --> 00:05:48,538
90% of our eggs, huh?
178
00:05:48,879 --> 00:05:51,392
That's crazy. I'm panicking.
You panicking?
179
00:05:51,417 --> 00:05:54,265
God, no. Babies
wreck you, Jess.
180
00:05:54,413 --> 00:05:56,307
They literally eat your body.
181
00:05:56,330 --> 00:05:58,486
I'm 30, I'm single,
182
00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:00,766
and I just started a new job.
183
00:06:00,875 --> 00:06:02,100
Tonight
184
00:06:02,149 --> 00:06:03,305
I used a bread roll
185
00:06:03,336 --> 00:06:04,637
to wipe butter off my face,
186
00:06:04,673 --> 00:06:06,573
and then I ate the bread roll,
187
00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:08,655
so I essentially used my face
188
00:06:08,707 --> 00:06:10,173
as a butter knife.
189
00:06:10,216 --> 00:06:11,418
I don't think I'm ready
190
00:06:11,443 --> 00:06:13,143
to bring new life
into the world, but...
191
00:06:13,183 --> 00:06:15,579
what if all that's left
are the weird eggs?
192
00:06:15,795 --> 00:06:17,395
And the evil eggs?
193
00:06:17,424 --> 00:06:19,346
You have no evil eggs.
194
00:06:19,370 --> 00:06:21,337
I can feel them.
They're turning.
195
00:06:21,420 --> 00:06:23,645
They watched their brothers
and sisters die,
196
00:06:23,699 --> 00:06:25,500
and now they want to be birthed.
197
00:06:25,723 --> 00:06:27,348
I need to be fertilized.
198
00:06:29,093 --> 00:06:31,565
Fertilize me, Los Angeles!
199
00:06:31,604 --> 00:06:32,772
Calm down, all right?
200
00:06:32,802 --> 00:06:33,829
You're overreacting.
201
00:06:33,854 --> 00:06:35,657
I am overreacting!
You know why?
202
00:06:35,684 --> 00:06:37,384
Because I want a family.
203
00:06:37,477 --> 00:06:39,440
I want to give my
nipples a purpose.
204
00:06:39,979 --> 00:06:41,781
Give my nipples a purpose!
205
00:06:41,853 --> 00:06:43,268
MAN: Oh, yeah!
- Oh, God, that was a mistake.
206
00:06:43,299 --> 00:06:45,567
(Man wolf whistles) Duck down.
That was a mistake.
207
00:06:46,316 --> 00:06:47,766
(Whispers):
We're taking that test.
208
00:06:49,684 --> 00:06:52,485
Well I think that you guys
made a really smart decision
209
00:06:52,515 --> 00:06:53,890
- coming in here today.
JESS: Sadie,
210
00:06:53,919 --> 00:06:56,885
once at a senior
graduation party,
211
00:06:56,925 --> 00:07:00,294
I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi
for... 12 hours.
212
00:07:00,331 --> 00:07:02,399
Is there any chance
that I sunny-side upped my eggs?
213
00:07:02,424 --> 00:07:03,424
- No, Jess.
- Oh,
214
00:07:03,450 --> 00:07:05,627
between the years
of 1998 and 2005,
215
00:07:05,652 --> 00:07:07,487
I used a lot of self-tanner.
216
00:07:07,532 --> 00:07:08,865
Like, a lot.
217
00:07:08,908 --> 00:07:11,243
Is that a possibility of, um...
218
00:07:11,379 --> 00:07:12,480
- Do I... Okay.
- Nope.
219
00:07:12,571 --> 00:07:14,439
Here we go.
220
00:07:14,945 --> 00:07:16,535
I once fell on
a pommel horse...
221
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,594
I'm gonna call you
when I get the results.
222
00:07:20,317 --> 00:07:21,702
This is good.
223
00:07:25,014 --> 00:07:27,583
I got nothing. This is...
224
00:07:28,817 --> 00:07:30,763
Whoa, whoa, Jess,
what are you doing?
225
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:31,969
That's my ketchup collection!
226
00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:34,013
This fertility Web site
says I need to get rid
227
00:07:34,044 --> 00:07:34,944
of anything with toxins.
228
00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:36,357
Did you put the microwave
in the trash?
229
00:07:36,382 --> 00:07:37,588
- Yes.
- Why would you do that?
230
00:07:37,607 --> 00:07:38,894
Microwaves zap things!
231
00:07:38,919 --> 00:07:40,488
- You can't take my microwave away!
- Zap my insides!
232
00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:41,726
- It's the only thing I love!
- I can't risk it!
233
00:07:41,751 --> 00:07:43,524
- It's what makes burritos delicious!
- I don't care!
234
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:46,304
You care about your burritos
more than my children, Nick?
235
00:07:46,328 --> 00:07:48,000
- You're putting me in a tough spot.
SCHMIDT: Friends,
236
00:07:48,025 --> 00:07:49,961
I'm in a real-life
sex pickle.
237
00:07:50,169 --> 00:07:53,839
My inability to satisfy Emma
has thoroughly rocked me.
238
00:07:54,830 --> 00:07:55,978
I've tried everything.
239
00:07:56,629 --> 00:07:57,473
How about now?
240
00:07:57,499 --> 00:07:59,300
Hold on. I'm Shazam-ing
this song.
241
00:07:59,793 --> 00:08:01,161
Oh, for crying out loud!
242
00:08:01,453 --> 00:08:02,553
Guess what I'm worried about?
243
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,727
This sound.
244
00:08:03,777 --> 00:08:04,852
You know what that sound is?
245
00:08:04,891 --> 00:08:07,013
It's the sound of
an empty uterus.
246
00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:08,736
I don't need test
results to tell me
247
00:08:08,761 --> 00:08:10,480
that it is The Grapes
of Wrath in there.
248
00:08:10,606 --> 00:08:11,853
It is 1930s
249
00:08:11,891 --> 00:08:13,559
Dust Bowl in there, Schmidt.
250
00:08:13,995 --> 00:08:15,626
And they're all walking
with limps.
251
00:08:15,645 --> 00:08:17,864
I can top that easily.
I'm having a hard time
252
00:08:17,878 --> 00:08:19,216
- with my zombie novel.
- Oh, not this...
253
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,278
JESS: Are you literally
comparing a zombie novel
254
00:08:22,314 --> 00:08:24,033
to my ability to create life?
255
00:08:24,050 --> 00:08:26,151
I'm a writer, Jess.
We create life.
256
00:08:26,174 --> 00:08:28,215
Ugh! Being a woman sucks!
257
00:08:28,265 --> 00:08:30,036
Preaching to the choir.
Women are the worst.
258
00:08:30,057 --> 00:08:32,345
Seriously, can you
please stop yelling?
259
00:08:32,417 --> 00:08:33,967
All right, now,
it's no big deal,
260
00:08:33,992 --> 00:08:35,555
but I'm on
an adjusted schedule.
261
00:08:35,586 --> 00:08:38,066
Sorry about this. Jess has
absolutely lost her mind.
262
00:08:38,096 --> 00:08:40,163
- I have not lost my mind!
- Yeah, you have.
263
00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:41,429
I'm just scared!
264
00:08:41,466 --> 00:08:43,391
NICK: Would you trust me?
You're gonna be fine.
265
00:08:43,453 --> 00:08:45,053
You're gonna meet
somebody and...
266
00:08:45,078 --> 00:08:46,611
you're gonna fall in love
and then...
267
00:08:46,704 --> 00:08:48,439
before you know it,
you're gonna...
268
00:08:48,506 --> 00:08:49,806
JESS:
With who, Nick?
269
00:08:49,874 --> 00:08:51,993
Who's gonna... lay a flag down
270
00:08:52,017 --> 00:08:53,718
on this sweet, sweet continent?
271
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:56,132
I'll man up.
But I must warn you,
272
00:08:56,345 --> 00:08:57,864
Jess-- I don't have sperms.
273
00:08:57,994 --> 00:08:59,119
I have tadpoles.
274
00:08:59,203 --> 00:09:00,103
Of the gods.
275
00:09:00,288 --> 00:09:01,622
That's right.
276
00:09:01,847 --> 00:09:03,378
And I'm gonna give 'em to you.
277
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,395
You can have 'em all,
for all I care.
278
00:09:05,513 --> 00:09:06,813
That's how much I love you.
279
00:09:06,858 --> 00:09:08,057
I feel your pain
in this situation.
280
00:09:08,188 --> 00:09:09,969
I want you to have babies.
Take my sperms.
281
00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:11,783
No. It should be me, Jess.
282
00:09:11,802 --> 00:09:14,031
- What?
- With your big, beautiful blue eyes
283
00:09:14,063 --> 00:09:16,798
- and my... Blair Underwood-like skin,
- Mm-hmm.
284
00:09:16,827 --> 00:09:19,563
- We'd have the most beautiful baby the
world has ever seen. - He's not wrong.
285
00:09:19,668 --> 00:09:21,693
- It could get into any school it wants.
- Mm-hmm.
286
00:09:21,724 --> 00:09:25,793
To be clear, I haven't asked
any of you to impregnate me.
287
00:09:26,193 --> 00:09:28,062
I think it's important that
that's been said.
288
00:09:28,115 --> 00:09:29,616
Good, 'cause it's definitely
not me.
289
00:09:29,645 --> 00:09:31,089
Good, 'cause it's
definitely not you.
290
00:09:31,119 --> 00:09:34,098
I would love that little baby
with all my heart.
291
00:09:34,292 --> 00:09:36,749
Even if I did show it by
picking him up from school
292
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:37,768
in my underwear and...
293
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:39,631
hitting on the crossing guard.
294
00:09:39,689 --> 00:09:41,226
- How's the zombie novel coming?
Good, good, good.
295
00:09:41,250 --> 00:09:42,131
I haven't written a word.
296
00:09:42,369 --> 00:09:43,400
Wait, are you serious?
297
00:09:43,453 --> 00:09:44,734
Nick, it's not that hard, man.
298
00:09:44,758 --> 00:09:46,192
Just sit down and write.
299
00:09:46,535 --> 00:09:47,635
You ain't Hemingway.
300
00:09:47,665 --> 00:09:49,028
- You boys are right.
- Mm-hmm.
301
00:09:49,068 --> 00:09:50,670
I got to be more like Hemingway.
302
00:09:50,731 --> 00:09:52,170
I just lost another one
of my eggs
303
00:09:52,207 --> 00:09:53,301
while you were comparing
yourself
304
00:09:53,334 --> 00:09:54,648
to the most famous writer
of all time.
305
00:09:54,672 --> 00:09:56,130
Maybe the reason
I have writer's block
306
00:09:56,151 --> 00:09:58,695
is I've been living too casual
with you clowns.
307
00:09:58,738 --> 00:10:01,068
I need real-life
adventure
308
00:10:01,109 --> 00:10:03,915
like Ernest Hemingway had
at my age.
309
00:10:03,976 --> 00:10:05,910
Man, I got to run
with the bulls.
310
00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:07,834
I got to kill a man
with my bare hands
311
00:10:07,865 --> 00:10:09,399
after making sweet love to him
312
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,913
and then sleep on the warm belly
of his horse.
313
00:10:11,950 --> 00:10:14,218
I got to eat my way out
of a sandwich house!
314
00:10:14,286 --> 00:10:15,500
How much you know
about Hemingway?
315
00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:17,663
Not a lot!
But I'm gonna learn!
316
00:10:17,748 --> 00:10:19,282
I'm becoming Ernest Hemingway.
317
00:10:19,461 --> 00:10:20,595
You idiots.
318
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:24,868
Schmidt.
319
00:10:25,266 --> 00:10:26,429
Yo.
320
00:10:26,665 --> 00:10:28,131
Okay, Schmidt.
321
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:29,695
Female pleasure.
322
00:10:31,476 --> 00:10:32,810
Here are some diagrams,
323
00:10:33,403 --> 00:10:34,997
so we can see where you're at.
324
00:10:35,073 --> 00:10:36,040
The vagina.
325
00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:37,361
I'm familiar.
326
00:10:37,819 --> 00:10:39,015
Good.
327
00:10:39,211 --> 00:10:42,265
Now, what I typically do is
I start over here,
328
00:10:42,291 --> 00:10:44,224
and then I move here once
329
00:10:44,261 --> 00:10:46,618
I feel confident that this area
330
00:10:46,666 --> 00:10:48,966
- has been taken care of.
- Yeah, see, that's exactly what I do.
331
00:10:48,999 --> 00:10:51,501
I call that "Losing Nemo."
332
00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:54,916
Well, a more advanced move
would be...
333
00:10:54,972 --> 00:10:56,606
You know what?
I'll just show you.
334
00:10:56,743 --> 00:10:58,877
It's sort of...
Come in this way.
335
00:10:58,945 --> 00:11:00,900
No, no, I see what you're doing.
That asymmetry right there?
336
00:11:00,918 --> 00:11:02,731
That's crucial.
'Cause then what I'll do is
337
00:11:02,769 --> 00:11:04,137
is I'll go outside,
338
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,712
get the paper,
339
00:11:06,937 --> 00:11:09,058
and shake the neighbor's hand.
340
00:11:09,121 --> 00:11:10,788
- Interesting.
- Then what I'll do is,
341
00:11:10,818 --> 00:11:14,003
I'll tie a bow on it
because it's birthday time.
342
00:11:14,034 --> 00:11:16,268
Then I get onstage
and collect my Oscar
343
00:11:16,293 --> 00:11:18,004
and say thank you
to the people,
344
00:11:18,071 --> 00:11:20,444
thank you to the people,
then get back down offstage
345
00:11:20,475 --> 00:11:22,736
and get everybody into
the sharing circle,
346
00:11:22,867 --> 00:11:24,693
right down there in
the sharing circle,
347
00:11:24,717 --> 00:11:26,018
and then...
(Smacks loudly)
348
00:11:26,097 --> 00:11:27,137
spike the volleyball.
349
00:11:27,162 --> 00:11:28,730
Then what I like
to do is, I like
350
00:11:28,758 --> 00:11:31,040
to arrive at the
bridge, meet the troll,
351
00:11:31,076 --> 00:11:33,576
and then answer
his riddles three.
352
00:11:33,643 --> 00:11:34,966
Then what we do
is, we're dancing.
353
00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,713
We're just gonna dance, we're
gonna dance for a while.
354
00:11:36,746 --> 00:11:38,218
We'll dance until you
can't dance anymore,
355
00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,546
dancing till you
can't dance anymore,
356
00:11:40,933 --> 00:11:43,334
and then everybody gets
357
00:11:44,419 --> 00:11:46,122
a churro.
358
00:11:47,385 --> 00:11:48,651
(Clicks tongue)
359
00:11:52,343 --> 00:11:53,000
You okay?
360
00:11:53,052 --> 00:11:54,252
Mm-hmm.
361
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,304
It's the baby hormones.
362
00:12:02,334 --> 00:12:04,428
They are not as gay as me.
363
00:12:04,496 --> 00:12:05,956
So I'm good at this, right?
364
00:12:05,999 --> 00:12:08,984
Schmidt, in my professional opinion,
365
00:12:09,011 --> 00:12:11,393
you have definitely
earned the rank of--
366
00:12:11,511 --> 00:12:14,384
and I will use the phrase
you coined-- va-genius.
367
00:12:16,060 --> 00:12:18,304
Thank you, thank you so much.
368
00:12:18,329 --> 00:12:20,063
I really needed to
hear that, Sadie.
369
00:12:20,432 --> 00:12:21,766
(Sighs)
370
00:12:21,990 --> 00:12:23,796
You got to go.
371
00:12:24,022 --> 00:12:25,129
NICK:
Hey, Winston,
372
00:12:25,157 --> 00:12:26,916
we're going on an adventure!
373
00:12:26,961 --> 00:12:30,030
We need real-life experience
like Hemingway.
374
00:12:31,939 --> 00:12:34,024
Whoo, I feel like Hemingway.
375
00:12:34,113 --> 00:12:35,386
This is life experience?
376
00:12:35,418 --> 00:12:37,185
Yeah, the zoo is the best
we can do, I told you,
377
00:12:37,203 --> 00:12:38,313
but it's got
everything we need.
378
00:12:38,338 --> 00:12:40,857
It's got life,
animals, man, beast.
379
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:42,636
Look, I'm sorry, dude,
it's just, you know,
380
00:12:42,661 --> 00:12:44,096
I'm not supposed to
be awake right now
381
00:12:44,123 --> 00:12:46,105
- because of my adjusted...
- Adjusted schedule, yeah.
382
00:12:46,146 --> 00:12:47,692
Hey, man, 13 minutes of sleep.
383
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:48,934
Honestly, Nick, seriously,
384
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:50,444
13 minutes of sleep--
that's all I got.
385
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:51,895
You're starting to look
like a pillow to me.
386
00:12:51,913 --> 00:12:52,906
All I can think of is, like,
387
00:12:52,937 --> 00:12:55,759
"Man, Nick looks exactly
like a pillow to me."
388
00:12:56,127 --> 00:12:57,865
- Hmm, what'd you say?
- Winston, you need some sleep.
389
00:12:57,895 --> 00:12:59,176
- But I'm out here with you.
- Yeah.
390
00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:00,530
- Okay, because I love you.
- Thank you.
391
00:13:00,573 --> 00:13:01,923
And I want you to finish
your zombie book.
392
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:03,384
Okay, but check out
where we are.
393
00:13:03,415 --> 00:13:04,641
This is experience,
394
00:13:04,672 --> 00:13:06,971
this is what's firing me up
to get back to writing.
395
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,301
This is kind of
what it's all about.
396
00:13:08,362 --> 00:13:09,161
(Laughs)
397
00:13:09,187 --> 00:13:10,318
What are you doing?
398
00:13:10,367 --> 00:13:11,443
It's writer's fuel.
399
00:13:11,502 --> 00:13:13,037
That's what Hemingway said.
400
00:13:14,705 --> 00:13:16,632
Sadie, um, hey.
401
00:13:16,654 --> 00:13:18,226
Uh, I just,
I just want you to know
402
00:13:18,244 --> 00:13:20,262
that I am, um, I'm like--
403
00:13:20,281 --> 00:13:21,978
I am okay with whatever
you tell me.
404
00:13:22,020 --> 00:13:23,908
I'm just like, if you say
405
00:13:24,216 --> 00:13:25,949
you've got a year, that's fine.
406
00:13:25,979 --> 00:13:27,660
If you say, like, "You can have
kids till you're 80,"
407
00:13:27,685 --> 00:13:30,732
that's fine, too.
If you say, "You are barren,"
408
00:13:31,496 --> 00:13:34,044
um, I'm, I'm okay
with that, too.
409
00:13:34,082 --> 00:13:35,112
Um, just,
410
00:13:35,158 --> 00:13:37,359
why am I the only one talking?
411
00:13:37,633 --> 00:13:38,700
Just lay it on me.
412
00:13:38,743 --> 00:13:40,224
What's inside my body?
413
00:13:40,267 --> 00:13:41,667
Everything looks good, Jess.
414
00:13:41,712 --> 00:13:43,391
Your hormone levels
are outstanding.
415
00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:44,389
- What?
- Actually
416
00:13:44,447 --> 00:13:45,915
these are off the charts
417
00:13:45,945 --> 00:13:47,016
for someone your age.
418
00:13:47,041 --> 00:13:48,739
I mean, I don't know how
419
00:13:48,764 --> 00:13:50,564
you're walking around
with this many eggs.
420
00:13:50,589 --> 00:13:52,580
♪ I'm the egg queen ♪
421
00:13:52,876 --> 00:13:55,344
♪ I'm queen ♪
♪ of the eggs. ♪
422
00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:56,944
Right.
(Typing)
423
00:13:57,012 --> 00:13:58,947
- Cece.
- Mm-hmm.
424
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:06,193
You know what?
Maybe we should talk in private.
425
00:14:12,620 --> 00:14:14,887
Cece, Cece.
426
00:14:14,974 --> 00:14:16,741
Cece, wait, do
you want to talk?
427
00:14:17,353 --> 00:14:18,794
Jess, you don't get it.
428
00:14:18,832 --> 00:14:20,702
Sadie basically just
told me that if I want
429
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:23,395
to have a kid,
I've got to start right now.
430
00:14:23,707 --> 00:14:25,651
Right now.
431
00:14:25,679 --> 00:14:28,341
I thought I had
all of this time.
432
00:14:29,192 --> 00:14:31,317
I didn't want to have
to think about this.
433
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,816
I know, I know, I'm sorry.
434
00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:35,756
I made you take the test.
435
00:14:35,806 --> 00:14:37,907
What can I do?
436
00:14:38,692 --> 00:14:41,313
Make me a guy so I don't have
to worry about this.
437
00:14:44,644 --> 00:14:46,463
You know what? Yes.
438
00:14:46,618 --> 00:14:50,007
Yeah, let's be guys
just for today.
439
00:14:50,044 --> 00:14:52,918
Let's, let's care
about stupid things,
440
00:14:52,959 --> 00:14:56,094
talk about sharks
and sci-fi movies
441
00:14:56,119 --> 00:14:58,685
and making everything wireless.
442
00:14:58,716 --> 00:15:01,327
"Dude, my phone is wireless,
my computer is wireless.
443
00:15:01,362 --> 00:15:03,567
- Everything's wireless, yeah."
- You're a terrible guy.
444
00:15:03,591 --> 00:15:04,523
"Come on."
445
00:15:04,545 --> 00:15:05,743
(Laughs)
446
00:15:05,850 --> 00:15:07,017
No, I'm the best guy.
447
00:15:07,048 --> 00:15:08,616
Come on, come on.
448
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:09,806
All right.
449
00:15:09,844 --> 00:15:11,278
SCHMIDT:
Okay, how was that?
450
00:15:11,310 --> 00:15:12,309
(Sighs)
451
00:15:12,348 --> 00:15:12,861
Eh.
452
00:15:12,892 --> 00:15:14,900
Why, though, with the "eh"?
453
00:15:15,178 --> 00:15:19,068
Unbelie-- but I played out
your most secret fantasy:
454
00:15:19,091 --> 00:15:20,885
French maid handyman does...
455
00:15:20,998 --> 00:15:23,550
- Studio 54...
- Studio 54 busboy.
456
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,501
- I know, it's disappointing.
- I thought I killed it.
457
00:15:25,541 --> 00:15:28,039
And I picked you at work because
I heard you were amazing in bed.
458
00:15:28,064 --> 00:15:30,569
I-- no, no, no, I am,
okay, I know that I am.
459
00:15:30,593 --> 00:15:33,205
I have it on good authority
from my model ex-girlfriend
460
00:15:33,230 --> 00:15:36,249
and an actual
lesbian gynecologist
461
00:15:36,378 --> 00:15:40,370
that I know exactly what I'm
doing, so it's got to be you.
462
00:15:40,420 --> 00:15:42,566
It's us--
this doesn't work.
463
00:15:42,638 --> 00:15:44,872
When I got divorced I-I,
464
00:15:44,940 --> 00:15:46,177
I thought I could go out there
465
00:15:46,201 --> 00:15:48,757
and have
all these new experiences--
466
00:15:49,018 --> 00:15:52,107
the contract of sex
with someone at work
467
00:15:52,137 --> 00:15:54,479
who's so far
beneath me, you know,
468
00:15:54,697 --> 00:15:57,457
someone basically
just powerless.
469
00:15:57,576 --> 00:16:00,214
I guess I have
to feel something.
470
00:16:00,263 --> 00:16:01,999
Okay, see, I'm not like that.
471
00:16:02,024 --> 00:16:03,662
I don't even understand
that concept.
472
00:16:03,717 --> 00:16:05,704
My ex-girlfriend the
model-- she's a model.
473
00:16:05,728 --> 00:16:06,996
- I know she's a model.
- We'd have sex,
474
00:16:07,021 --> 00:16:09,657
and it was just like, I was
happy, you know, I, I...
475
00:16:09,730 --> 00:16:12,221
We were connected, I wasn't
thinking about anything.
476
00:16:12,258 --> 00:16:14,765
- What is that?
- That is love, you idiot.
477
00:16:18,290 --> 00:16:19,558
That's love.
478
00:16:22,090 --> 00:16:23,284
Yuck.
479
00:16:23,340 --> 00:16:24,746
- It sucks.
- So, what, do I have
480
00:16:24,792 --> 00:16:27,049
to, I have to, like, be in love
now to have good sex?
481
00:16:27,079 --> 00:16:29,488
Think about me--
I got to go out in the world
482
00:16:29,526 --> 00:16:31,554
and meet people, date.
483
00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:32,721
You're going to be great.
484
00:16:32,785 --> 00:16:34,017
(Sighs)
485
00:16:34,378 --> 00:16:35,955
- You think?
- Yeah.
486
00:16:36,984 --> 00:16:39,220
Consider our sex contract void.
487
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:41,585
How am I gonna get
the feathers off?
488
00:16:41,604 --> 00:16:42,931
I have no idea.
489
00:16:44,270 --> 00:16:45,912
Jess and that girl!
490
00:16:45,949 --> 00:16:46,660
Uh...
491
00:16:46,697 --> 00:16:47,996
(Laughs)
492
00:16:48,554 --> 00:16:50,778
Oh, I'm so glad they're here.
493
00:16:50,856 --> 00:16:52,496
So you're getting a lot
of work done here, huh?
494
00:16:52,521 --> 00:16:54,899
- Who wins-- me versus gorilla? Go.
- Gorilla.
495
00:16:54,971 --> 00:16:56,339
Me versus gorilla.
496
00:16:56,407 --> 00:16:58,031
- Gorilla.
- No, but in a contest.
497
00:16:58,056 --> 00:16:59,794
- Gorilla.
- Yeah, but in a competition.
498
00:16:59,843 --> 00:17:01,399
Uh, gorilla.
499
00:17:01,424 --> 00:17:02,425
You don't get it.
500
00:17:02,493 --> 00:17:04,506
CECE: Okay, are you just
drunk at the zoo right now?
501
00:17:04,546 --> 00:17:06,378
- Let's go look at snakes.
- Okay.
502
00:17:06,490 --> 00:17:07,573
Where are the snakes?!
503
00:17:07,611 --> 00:17:08,877
All day.
504
00:17:09,087 --> 00:17:10,200
You know what?
505
00:17:10,233 --> 00:17:12,034
I don't think we should
act like the guys.
506
00:17:12,383 --> 00:17:14,184
Jess, what am I going to do?
507
00:17:19,868 --> 00:17:22,318
What am I going to tell Robby?
508
00:17:22,565 --> 00:17:25,567
You are a Mexican
West Coast rattlesnakes,
509
00:17:25,922 --> 00:17:27,811
and they call you "fang-tastic."
510
00:17:27,902 --> 00:17:29,236
(Chuckles)
511
00:17:29,304 --> 00:17:31,314
No one ever calls me
anything like that.
512
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,401
Nick, what are you doing?
This is not life experience;
513
00:17:33,442 --> 00:17:35,876
This is procrastination
at the zoo.
514
00:17:35,944 --> 00:17:37,624
- I don't think it is.
- Now, I need some sleep.
515
00:17:37,655 --> 00:17:38,854
- I got to work tonight.
- Okay,
516
00:17:38,879 --> 00:17:41,546
- congratulations, I'm glad you found
your passion... - Okay, look...
517
00:17:41,582 --> 00:17:43,016
...and that you
love what you do.
518
00:17:43,035 --> 00:17:44,003
- Wow.
- But enough's enough.
519
00:17:44,035 --> 00:17:46,148
- Don't throw it in my face.
- Is it like that, is it like that, Nick?
520
00:17:46,182 --> 00:17:47,736
- Don't throw it in my face.
- Nick, I got off
521
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,815
- my adjusted schedule...
- Don't say "adjusted schedule."
522
00:17:49,827 --> 00:17:51,224
- That's super annoying.
- Adjusted schedule.
523
00:17:51,249 --> 00:17:52,658
- Stop saying it.
- Adjusted schedule.
524
00:17:52,688 --> 00:17:54,321
You say it again,
I'm gonna let the snakes out.
525
00:17:54,358 --> 00:17:56,321
Adjusted schedule.
Let the snakes out.
526
00:17:58,007 --> 00:17:59,213
I will let...
527
00:17:59,309 --> 00:18:01,843
- These guys have done a pretty good
job keeping it sealed. - Yeah, yeah.
528
00:18:01,911 --> 00:18:03,564
- Nick, you're not a finisher.
- Oh, I'm a finisher.
529
00:18:03,589 --> 00:18:04,940
You're not a finisher at all, man.
530
00:18:04,971 --> 00:18:06,817
- That's why you didn't finish law school.
- Don't do that.
531
00:18:06,848 --> 00:18:09,134
The same reason you're only three
episodes into Downton Abbey.
532
00:18:09,159 --> 00:18:11,562
- There's just too many characters, it's
hard to follow. - Yeah, yeah, yeah,
533
00:18:11,593 --> 00:18:14,294
I get it, man, you're scared,
and that's okay-- be scared.
534
00:18:14,314 --> 00:18:16,116
Just stop wasting my time
because I'm tired
535
00:18:16,147 --> 00:18:18,153
and I need to sleep
because I want to work tonight
536
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:19,989
at the job I'm passionate about.
537
00:18:21,604 --> 00:18:24,038
ROBBY: I'm glad you called me;
I love the zoo.
538
00:18:24,468 --> 00:18:26,034
You think I'm like a bear?
539
00:18:26,377 --> 00:18:28,211
I mean, I kind of
move like a bear,
540
00:18:28,236 --> 00:18:30,822
and I got that really
long, sharp toenail
541
00:18:30,997 --> 00:18:32,547
that you love so much.
542
00:18:36,752 --> 00:18:38,653
Hey.
(Chuckles)
543
00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:42,494
Randa.
544
00:18:43,242 --> 00:18:44,743
It says here you're 43.
545
00:18:45,303 --> 00:18:46,761
Keeping it tight, girl.
546
00:18:46,828 --> 00:18:48,595
(Child shouts indistinctly)
547
00:18:49,319 --> 00:18:50,695
What do you think of kids?
548
00:18:50,835 --> 00:18:51,569
I love kids.
549
00:18:51,613 --> 00:18:53,153
I would like to have
children someday.
550
00:18:53,184 --> 00:18:54,649
- Someday?
- Well, yeah,
551
00:18:54,673 --> 00:18:56,007
like in ten years or something.
552
00:18:56,045 --> 00:18:57,879
Yeah.
553
00:19:00,417 --> 00:19:01,751
I have a lot of eggs.
554
00:19:02,145 --> 00:19:03,578
Unfortunately
555
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:06,455
I don't have a lot of sausage.
556
00:19:07,815 --> 00:19:10,316
Yeah, I shouldn't be
complaining.
557
00:19:12,802 --> 00:19:14,835
I'll be okay.
558
00:19:22,968 --> 00:19:24,523
- Hey, Winston.
- Aah, what?
559
00:19:24,554 --> 00:19:25,988
Sorry to wake you.
560
00:19:26,097 --> 00:19:27,722
- Z is for Zombie.
- What?
561
00:19:27,753 --> 00:19:29,147
I finished my novel.
562
00:19:29,188 --> 00:19:31,089
I stayed up
for 14 straight hours.
563
00:19:31,113 --> 00:19:32,633
I even peed in water bottles.
564
00:19:33,364 --> 00:19:34,733
We have a bathroom.
565
00:19:35,557 --> 00:19:37,139
Wow, you dedicated it to me.
566
00:19:37,188 --> 00:19:39,420
"To Winston.
Have a nice summer.
567
00:19:39,451 --> 00:19:40,620
Hope to see you ag..."
568
00:19:41,168 --> 00:19:41,870
Really?
569
00:19:41,885 --> 00:19:44,052
I just want to say right now,
the black guy dies early--
570
00:19:44,113 --> 00:19:45,012
his name is William--
571
00:19:45,042 --> 00:19:47,172
but don't take offense;
It's a staple of the genre.
572
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:49,141
I can't take this--
too much anxiety.
573
00:19:49,159 --> 00:19:50,626
I'm going to my room.
574
00:19:51,861 --> 00:19:53,724
Hey, Winston,
are you reading it?
575
00:19:53,774 --> 00:19:54,606
Hey.
576
00:19:54,831 --> 00:19:56,032
Oh, hey.
577
00:19:58,019 --> 00:19:59,087
I knew it.
578
00:19:59,261 --> 00:20:01,262
I knew you'd choose me
to get you pregnant.
579
00:20:01,991 --> 00:20:03,835
Yep, let's go.
580
00:20:03,906 --> 00:20:05,106
(Laughing):
Jess.
581
00:20:05,174 --> 00:20:06,474
(Both laugh)
582
00:20:07,711 --> 00:20:08,857
Schmidt.
583
00:20:10,358 --> 00:20:12,109
I think I may have been
in love with Cece.
584
00:20:12,137 --> 00:20:13,450
- You are in love with Cece.
- You think?
585
00:20:13,483 --> 00:20:15,950
Can't believe I have to have
feelings to have good sex.
586
00:20:16,186 --> 00:20:18,250
I was hoping I'd be dead
before this happened.
587
00:20:18,305 --> 00:20:19,831
Hey, why are we all hanging out
in my room
588
00:20:19,868 --> 00:20:20,609
and sitting on my bed?
589
00:20:20,646 --> 00:20:22,676
Nick, this is
590
00:20:22,775 --> 00:20:25,877
the worst thing I have ever read
in my entire life.
591
00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:27,578
You misspelled
the word "rhythm"
592
00:20:27,603 --> 00:20:28,400
38 times.
593
00:20:28,421 --> 00:20:30,155
- Z is for Zombie?
- Yeah, Z Is for Zombie.
594
00:20:30,198 --> 00:20:31,465
- The zombie novel.
- Yeah.
595
00:20:31,532 --> 00:20:32,447
"Rhythm" is a tough word.
596
00:20:32,472 --> 00:20:34,022
- Don't feel bad about that.
- Yeah, thanks, man.
597
00:20:34,101 --> 00:20:35,535
- Did you get to the word search?
- Yeah.
598
00:20:35,571 --> 00:20:37,831
(Laughing): I put a word search
in the novel,
599
00:20:38,490 --> 00:20:39,616
but the joke's on you.
600
00:20:39,653 --> 00:20:41,017
There aren't any words in there,
601
00:20:41,042 --> 00:20:43,183
so you're just gonna be staring
at letters, you idiot.
602
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:45,358
But you know what?
You finished it,
603
00:20:45,415 --> 00:20:47,883
and for that, my friend,
I'm proud of you.
604
00:20:47,932 --> 00:20:50,071
- Thank you, I did finish it, I finished something.
- Yeah, you finished something.
605
00:20:50,118 --> 00:20:51,185
Read it out loud, Winston.
606
00:20:52,534 --> 00:20:53,601
(Chanting):
Read it out loud.
607
00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:54,898
SCHMIDT AND JESS:
Read it out loud.
608
00:20:54,929 --> 00:20:57,415
- Read it out loud... - Okay, I'll read
this damn thing; you asked for it.
609
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,441
This might be humiliating.
610
00:20:59,741 --> 00:21:03,066
"No one in the sleepy mountain
town of 'Writhe-em' City..."
611
00:21:03,103 --> 00:21:04,204
That's Rhythm City.
612
00:21:04,241 --> 00:21:06,401
"...knew what the meteor meant,
but the one thing
613
00:21:06,420 --> 00:21:09,779
Mike Jr. did have was
a whole lot of 'rittems.'"
614
00:21:09,826 --> 00:21:12,726
- Rhythm. - No, yeah.
- "'Whoa, what bit me
615
00:21:12,763 --> 00:21:15,984
in the face?' Mike Jr. said
to his dad Mike Sr., who sucks."
616
00:21:16,009 --> 00:21:17,728
Sucks-- Mike Sr. sucks.
617
00:21:17,794 --> 00:21:19,184
It's a major theme
throughout this.
618
00:21:19,209 --> 00:21:20,918
"Mike Sr. sucks a whole bunch,
619
00:21:20,982 --> 00:21:22,570
much more
than his neighbor Rallo."
620
00:21:22,588 --> 00:21:24,237
Never stop reading this.
621
00:21:24,262 --> 00:21:27,518
"'Zombie zoo, zombie zoo,
zombie zoo, zombie zoo.
622
00:21:27,650 --> 00:21:30,786
"'Who let them zombies
out that damn zombie zoo?
623
00:21:30,822 --> 00:21:32,992
Uh-oh, watch your back, Laura.'"
624
00:21:33,039 --> 00:21:34,495
And I guess Laura is
another character
625
00:21:34,525 --> 00:21:36,189
that he introduces,
but that's it.
626
00:21:36,271 --> 00:21:37,520
And here's the word search.
627
00:21:37,543 --> 00:21:39,078
NICK:
Yeah, good luck, you idiot.
628
00:21:39,153 --> 00:21:45,153
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther