1 00:00:01,655 --> 00:00:03,353 I can't believe they're playing these old matches. 2 00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:05,441 - Man, these were legendary. - Camel clutch! 3 00:00:05,951 --> 00:00:07,026 That's not a camel clutch. 4 00:00:07,058 --> 00:00:08,151 That is a camel clutch. 5 00:00:08,344 --> 00:00:10,150 Gentlemen, hi. 6 00:00:10,417 --> 00:00:11,651 I'd just like a moment of your time. 7 00:00:11,685 --> 00:00:13,248 - Jess, you can't turn that off. - If I may. 8 00:00:14,013 --> 00:00:15,497 I have a word that's gonna change your life. 9 00:00:15,522 --> 00:00:16,741 The answer is already "no." 10 00:00:16,849 --> 00:00:18,550 - Bathtub. - Bathtub's two words. 11 00:00:18,598 --> 00:00:20,142 - It's one word. - Bathtub is two words. 12 00:00:20,173 --> 00:00:21,342 How come I'm James Brown? 13 00:00:21,364 --> 00:00:23,599 When you don't smile for my pictures, you get replaced. 14 00:00:24,064 --> 00:00:26,658 You come home after a long, hard day at work. 15 00:00:26,686 --> 00:00:28,754 - Tired. - You want to relax, but how? 16 00:00:28,806 --> 00:00:32,537 How about soaking in a glorious bubbly pool for one? 17 00:00:32,573 --> 00:00:35,186 Sipping the nectar of the gods. 18 00:00:35,311 --> 00:00:36,736 I don't get it-- is this bath water? 19 00:00:36,750 --> 00:00:38,161 Might as well be; It's rosé. 20 00:00:38,337 --> 00:00:39,884 Burn notice, France. 21 00:00:41,355 --> 00:00:42,969 - Now that I'm working again, - Don't do this. 22 00:00:42,990 --> 00:00:45,857 I'd really love to come home and soak in a beautiful bathtub. 23 00:00:45,895 --> 00:00:48,714 Bathtubs are Medieval filth cauldrons-- pass. 24 00:00:48,745 --> 00:00:50,241 Yeah, it's a waste of money, Jess. 25 00:00:50,265 --> 00:00:53,791 I'm not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes. 26 00:00:54,194 --> 00:00:55,127 Loft vote. 27 00:00:55,168 --> 00:00:56,357 - No. - No. 28 00:00:56,394 --> 00:00:58,432 Feel like I'm at a garden party, haven't even left home. 29 00:00:58,456 --> 00:01:00,238 Winston, what are you talking about-- loft vote, no. 30 00:01:00,279 --> 00:01:02,134 What, yeah, no, duh, of course. 31 00:01:02,236 --> 00:01:04,671 - Okay, you know what-- loft vote... - Nay. 32 00:01:04,705 --> 00:01:06,361 - Loft vote. - Nay. 33 00:01:06,396 --> 00:01:08,296 Loft vote, I'm turning wrestling back on. 34 00:01:08,311 --> 00:01:09,278 - Yeah. - Yeah. 35 00:01:09,312 --> 00:01:11,180 - Camel clutch! Camel clutch! - No. 36 00:01:11,345 --> 00:01:13,804 d Who's that girl? d d who's that girl? d 37 00:01:13,829 --> 00:01:15,264 d It's Jess. d 38 00:01:15,322 --> 00:01:19,122 2x10 Bathtub 39 00:01:20,855 --> 00:01:21,980 Hey, Schmidt. 40 00:01:22,056 --> 00:01:24,230 - Ooh, hey. - Want to pitch on the new Double V campaign? 41 00:01:24,261 --> 00:01:25,581 I'm all about the Double V-- what is that? 42 00:01:25,606 --> 00:01:26,791 It's a new vodka, yeah. 43 00:01:26,808 --> 00:01:28,776 Filled with vitamins-- Double V? 44 00:01:29,145 --> 00:01:29,979 What do you think? 45 00:01:30,009 --> 00:01:31,181 You know, I've never been considered 46 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:32,400 to run an account before. 47 00:01:32,745 --> 00:01:35,806 Wait a min... Wait, is this just 48 00:01:35,990 --> 00:01:38,592 is this because we used to... bingity-bangity? 49 00:01:38,613 --> 00:01:39,883 No, of course not. 50 00:01:41,374 --> 00:01:42,575 Take a look at the specs 51 00:01:42,915 --> 00:01:45,106 and come into my office tomorrow in your best suit, 52 00:01:45,133 --> 00:01:47,234 and, uh, blow me away with your take. 53 00:01:47,293 --> 00:01:49,722 My best suit-- I can put on my best suit. 54 00:01:52,183 --> 00:01:53,217 Okay. 55 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:57,114 Wasted project, Nick, huh? 56 00:01:58,858 --> 00:01:59,959 Herringbone?! 57 00:02:00,919 --> 00:02:02,553 How did you get in here? 58 00:02:10,146 --> 00:02:11,296 To schmidt. 59 00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:12,741 Sleeping his way to the top. 60 00:02:12,774 --> 00:02:14,542 Cheers to me. 61 00:02:15,974 --> 00:02:17,241 I hope you like it. 62 00:02:17,294 --> 00:02:18,828 I poured that one for you. 63 00:02:20,032 --> 00:02:21,300 Drink it up. 64 00:02:21,340 --> 00:02:23,184 This is coming off weird-- it's creepy, right? 65 00:02:23,254 --> 00:02:24,433 - Go get her. - I can't do that. 66 00:02:24,464 --> 00:02:25,895 - I can't talk to thirsty. - Thirsty? 67 00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:28,325 I don't know her name, so I call her Thirsty. 68 00:02:28,728 --> 00:02:30,568 - Thirsty Mendelson. - Oh, you made her Jewish? 69 00:02:30,586 --> 00:02:32,537 - I didn't make her Jewish. - Mendelson? She's not Jewish? 70 00:02:32,561 --> 00:02:34,685 - Well, Thirsty. - If her last name's Mendelson, she's Jewish. 71 00:02:34,705 --> 00:02:36,299 Tell you what her first name is, too-- It's Rachel. 72 00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:38,396 Get out of my head-- you're kind of ruining my thing right now. 73 00:02:38,424 --> 00:02:40,244 What I have with thirsty is perfect. 74 00:02:40,306 --> 00:02:42,273 She's surly like I'm surly, 75 00:02:42,308 --> 00:02:44,274 and she rolls her eyes at everybody 76 00:02:44,305 --> 00:02:45,922 like I roll my eyes at everybody. 77 00:02:45,963 --> 00:02:47,872 She likes to drink in the afternoon. 78 00:02:47,954 --> 00:02:49,274 And I like to drink in the afternoon. 79 00:02:49,305 --> 00:02:50,904 - Go talk to her. - No, I can't. 80 00:02:50,934 --> 00:02:52,560 That breaks the first rule 81 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,768 of bartending-- never cross the bar. 82 00:02:54,815 --> 00:02:57,309 'Cause once you cross the bar, it gets messy. 83 00:02:57,463 --> 00:02:59,731 Rudy just wants her $200 back. 84 00:02:59,797 --> 00:03:02,298 Come on, neither of you has the right bra for this. 85 00:03:02,364 --> 00:03:03,932 Excuse me, have you seen Rhonda? 86 00:03:04,159 --> 00:03:06,060 Have you seen the ferret lady? 87 00:03:06,295 --> 00:03:08,129 Why am I doing this?! 88 00:03:10,698 --> 00:03:12,554 Never cross the bar. 89 00:03:12,575 --> 00:03:14,409 Your rules have gotten you so far. 90 00:03:14,518 --> 00:03:16,152 - Classic Nick Miller. - You got it. 91 00:03:16,192 --> 00:03:17,433 Jess. 92 00:03:17,657 --> 00:03:19,595 You want to help me at the jukebox really quick? 93 00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:21,595 Oh, my God, yes-- I've always wanted to do this with you. 94 00:03:21,627 --> 00:03:23,620 Well, I was gonna go "Raspberry Beret," but... 95 00:03:23,651 --> 00:03:25,311 If we're gonna go Prince, I think we should go, like-- 96 00:03:25,336 --> 00:03:27,870 Jess, I want to talk to you about your bathtub pitch. 97 00:03:28,044 --> 00:03:29,507 I love baths-- I do. 98 00:03:29,539 --> 00:03:32,140 Back in Latvia, we had a great tub. 99 00:03:37,582 --> 00:03:39,288 But I tell you what-- there are parts of my butt 100 00:03:39,312 --> 00:03:40,680 only a tub can clean. 101 00:03:40,705 --> 00:03:41,685 Ew, but okay! 102 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,903 Okay, here's what we're gonna do, so the guys don't know. 103 00:03:43,934 --> 00:03:45,666 We're gonna split the 400 bucks for the tub. 104 00:03:45,762 --> 00:03:47,296 Then we can hide it on the roof 105 00:03:47,331 --> 00:03:48,951 and install it in the middle of the night, and then 106 00:03:48,969 --> 00:03:51,092 we can just pretend like you did it without our permission. 107 00:03:51,195 --> 00:03:52,662 Or we could just... 108 00:03:52,723 --> 00:03:54,323 say that you wanted a tub, too. 109 00:03:54,373 --> 00:03:56,680 How about we just keep this a Jess and Winston thing? 110 00:03:58,262 --> 00:03:59,802 - Hey, Cece, you okay? - Yeah, I'm good. 111 00:03:59,833 --> 00:04:01,944 I'm good; Just broke up with Robby. 112 00:04:02,860 --> 00:04:04,585 I'll make you a drink. 113 00:04:04,789 --> 00:04:06,643 - What ha... what happened? - Um, 114 00:04:06,682 --> 00:04:09,139 I told him I had to start getting serious 115 00:04:09,180 --> 00:04:13,278 about having kids and he said, "Okay, that's cool." 116 00:04:13,739 --> 00:04:16,443 But then that's all he said for the next eight hours, 117 00:04:16,478 --> 00:04:19,447 and he hasn't said anything to me since. 118 00:04:19,496 --> 00:04:20,401 So terrible. 119 00:04:20,431 --> 00:04:22,314 I just, I can't even... 120 00:04:22,369 --> 00:04:23,588 - Mm-hmm. - Wow. 121 00:04:23,622 --> 00:04:24,986 I mean that's... but I mean... 122 00:04:25,036 --> 00:04:27,971 There's... cool. It's cool. 123 00:04:28,149 --> 00:04:30,621 - 'Cause you're single. You're single. - Really subtle stuff. 124 00:04:30,652 --> 00:04:33,065 - She's single now; technically, you're single... are you not single? - Schmidt! 125 00:04:33,091 --> 00:04:34,715 I have to get serious about my future, 126 00:04:34,746 --> 00:04:36,408 otherwise my mom is going to set me up 127 00:04:36,432 --> 00:04:39,382 with a hundred sweet, gentle, painfully boring Indian guys. 128 00:04:39,427 --> 00:04:40,713 Oh, my God, your mother. 129 00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:42,375 I want to control your life. 130 00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:43,906 That's how my parents met and they had 131 00:04:43,943 --> 00:04:45,898 a beautiful, healthy marriage. 132 00:04:45,936 --> 00:04:47,960 I respect your parents-- I do. 133 00:04:47,992 --> 00:04:50,151 I respect everything that-- look what they've created. 134 00:04:50,182 --> 00:04:52,755 Look at that... look at your beauty, with your hair. 135 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,503 I'd eat it out of a bowl, your hair. 136 00:04:54,524 --> 00:04:56,287 I'd put it in a bowl and I'd eat your hair. 137 00:04:56,344 --> 00:04:57,732 Oh, my God. 138 00:05:01,073 --> 00:05:02,841 Hey, Cece. 139 00:05:03,483 --> 00:05:05,617 I-I know it's unexpected that I'm here. 140 00:05:05,798 --> 00:05:07,999 It's because I wanted to tell you something. 141 00:05:08,961 --> 00:05:10,658 You're my boo. 142 00:05:11,067 --> 00:05:13,036 You're my boo and I'm... and I'm... 143 00:05:13,075 --> 00:05:14,910 I been missing you. 144 00:05:16,368 --> 00:05:18,425 I been missing you oh, so long. 145 00:05:18,453 --> 00:05:20,209 You know what's weird? I don't find this weird anymore. 146 00:05:20,233 --> 00:05:22,225 What's your problem, Nick-- how long you been standing there? 147 00:05:22,274 --> 00:05:23,607 How much of that did you hear? 148 00:05:25,057 --> 00:05:26,774 I'm in love, man. 149 00:05:27,566 --> 00:05:28,429 I'm in love with Cece. 150 00:05:28,460 --> 00:05:30,006 Everyone knows that, you dumb-ass. 151 00:05:30,031 --> 00:05:31,929 - You always have been. - I gotta tell her, man. 152 00:05:31,953 --> 00:05:33,858 You should do that, Schmidty, that sounds great. 153 00:05:34,045 --> 00:05:35,965 - Do I have your blessing? - Do you have my blessing? 154 00:05:35,990 --> 00:05:37,942 Yeah. I don't think you need my blessing, big guy. 155 00:05:37,967 --> 00:05:40,176 - Just kind of do your thing. - I would like your blessing. You're my best friend. 156 00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:42,901 - I want your blessing. - Schmidt, fine, you got my blessing, okay? Just... 157 00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:43,811 What is this? 158 00:05:43,838 --> 00:05:46,573 Give me a hug. Give me a hug. I need this. 159 00:05:49,665 --> 00:05:51,430 Come on, please, give me, give me a hug, Nick. 160 00:05:51,453 --> 00:05:53,586 Please, just give me a hug! I want-- Ow! 161 00:05:55,491 --> 00:05:56,904 Good stuff. 162 00:05:58,581 --> 00:06:00,115 - Thank you, Nick. - Come on! 163 00:06:00,157 --> 00:06:02,458 All right, looks good-- no leaks. 164 00:06:03,077 --> 00:06:04,655 - We did it. - Yeah, we did. 165 00:06:06,647 --> 00:06:08,582 Oh, my God! Oh, my God. 166 00:06:09,050 --> 00:06:09,982 It's flooding! 167 00:06:10,050 --> 00:06:11,618 - Do something! - No, no, no, no, no! 168 00:06:11,653 --> 00:06:15,173 I've never wished I was dead more. 169 00:06:15,421 --> 00:06:17,688 Schmidt's gonna freak out. 170 00:06:19,957 --> 00:06:22,645 He once told me he spent $300 on a pocket square. 171 00:06:23,365 --> 00:06:25,828 No! 172 00:06:28,142 --> 00:06:30,336 - Am I overreacting? - Eh, that's about right. 173 00:06:33,767 --> 00:06:36,085 There you go... good as new. 174 00:06:38,070 --> 00:06:40,904 So, I've, uh, handled this one-man job, 175 00:06:40,924 --> 00:06:43,009 any two-man jobs you want us to tackle? 176 00:06:43,033 --> 00:06:44,381 I think we're good. Thanks, Remy. 177 00:06:44,415 --> 00:06:46,970 You sure there's not something else that needs fixing? 178 00:06:46,995 --> 00:06:49,845 Maybe in the... lady's bedroom? 179 00:06:52,465 --> 00:06:55,057 Uh, yeah, I think we're done-- thank you, Remy. 180 00:06:55,099 --> 00:06:57,528 I will return your ladder when I feel like it. 181 00:06:57,557 --> 00:06:59,224 Thank you, bye. 182 00:06:59,258 --> 00:07:00,358 He's so weird. 183 00:07:00,501 --> 00:07:02,813 Um, okay, so, phase two. 184 00:07:02,868 --> 00:07:05,492 Didn't Schmidt make us get renter's insurance 185 00:07:05,523 --> 00:07:08,026 when he almost tore down that rafter with the sex swing? 186 00:07:08,056 --> 00:07:09,956 Jess, we fake a robbery. 187 00:07:10,117 --> 00:07:11,698 We fake a robbery for the insurance. 188 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:12,727 That's a great idea. 189 00:07:12,751 --> 00:07:13,891 We're a couple of meth-heads. 190 00:07:13,914 --> 00:07:15,148 - Oh, yeah. - Boom. 191 00:07:15,321 --> 00:07:17,556 Got any meth? 192 00:07:18,123 --> 00:07:19,458 Got any rings on your fingers? 193 00:07:19,494 --> 00:07:21,384 I need them for meth. 194 00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:24,631 Get it all, get it all, get it all, get it all, get it all. 195 00:07:24,729 --> 00:07:26,676 Whoa! Do we have to steal my moustache trimmer? 196 00:07:26,706 --> 00:07:30,163 This is worth three bowls of sweet, sweet meth. 197 00:07:31,626 --> 00:07:33,003 - This? This? - No. 198 00:07:33,072 --> 00:07:34,685 No. This? 199 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:35,989 I just don't think the meth-heads 200 00:07:36,008 --> 00:07:37,828 would want anything in this room. 201 00:07:40,324 --> 00:07:41,330 What about this? 202 00:07:41,372 --> 00:07:42,272 A land line? 203 00:07:42,318 --> 00:07:44,556 To me, it looks like a meth sandwich. 204 00:07:45,311 --> 00:07:47,278 Don't hog all the meth, daddy. 205 00:07:48,604 --> 00:07:49,871 Did you hit this already? 206 00:07:49,914 --> 00:07:51,393 - No, did you? - No. 207 00:07:53,276 --> 00:07:54,739 What are you doing? 208 00:07:54,764 --> 00:07:56,165 You're smothering me, all right? 209 00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:57,345 I'm done with this! 210 00:07:57,370 --> 00:07:58,937 At least leave your wallet! 211 00:07:58,962 --> 00:08:00,703 I'm out of here! 212 00:08:21,321 --> 00:08:22,822 Would you like a whiskey? 213 00:08:24,139 --> 00:08:24,940 What? 214 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,441 I said that because I know you like whiskey. 215 00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:29,875 You're a whiskey girl, like me. 216 00:08:31,212 --> 00:08:32,812 You're a whiskey girl? 217 00:08:33,605 --> 00:08:34,572 I'm Nick. 218 00:08:35,038 --> 00:08:36,106 I'm Angie. 219 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:38,456 Angie... Angie, Angie. 220 00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:39,944 Well, what are you standing there for? 221 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,993 Go grab a bottle and get me drunk, idiot. 222 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,323 Well, I-I couldn't drink with you-- I work here. 223 00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:46,192 Just kidding, I get drunk, like, all the time. 224 00:08:46,222 --> 00:08:47,703 I've got a drinking thing. 225 00:08:48,865 --> 00:08:50,016 You got it. 226 00:08:51,562 --> 00:08:54,755 I also have all the access to pistachios if you want, like, a full... 227 00:08:54,961 --> 00:08:56,362 I'll make my own mind up on that. 228 00:08:58,366 --> 00:09:00,811 He took my doctor's appointment suit! 229 00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,634 He took El Capitan! 230 00:09:03,749 --> 00:09:04,648 Damn it! 231 00:09:04,809 --> 00:09:06,577 The only thing he left was my summer suit 232 00:09:06,606 --> 00:09:07,853 with the lightning bolt on the back. 233 00:09:07,904 --> 00:09:09,656 I keep that in my summer bin along with 234 00:09:09,687 --> 00:09:12,008 my summer condoms-- citrus-flavored, 235 00:09:12,032 --> 00:09:13,799 for a more refreshing summer experience. 236 00:09:13,835 --> 00:09:15,968 - That's a jar... - Jar for sure, yeah. 237 00:09:17,356 --> 00:09:19,264 Look at this-- took my suits. 238 00:09:19,349 --> 00:09:21,075 Left the... left the douche bag jar. 239 00:09:21,178 --> 00:09:22,277 Typical meth-head. 240 00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:23,700 - Typical meth-head. - Yeah, it's a shame. 241 00:09:23,724 --> 00:09:25,822 Good thing that I have a security camera in there. 242 00:09:25,863 --> 00:09:27,264 I'm gonna download the footage 243 00:09:27,331 --> 00:09:28,765 and I.D. this S.O.B. 244 00:09:28,807 --> 00:09:30,103 He's going down. 245 00:09:32,237 --> 00:09:33,873 I respect the amount you drink-- 246 00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:35,175 - Oh, - FYI these drinks 247 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,236 - aren't free. - Wow, well, joke's 248 00:09:36,261 --> 00:09:38,474 on you 'cause Mike left with all my money. 249 00:09:38,499 --> 00:09:39,487 Oh, really! 250 00:09:39,518 --> 00:09:41,243 Then how you gonna pay for the drinks? 251 00:09:41,275 --> 00:09:44,314 Oh... probably with sex? 252 00:09:46,801 --> 00:09:48,335 Sorry... 253 00:09:49,509 --> 00:09:50,788 That is not pretty. 254 00:09:51,248 --> 00:09:51,914 Well... 255 00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:53,436 I was gonna let you have sex with Mike. 256 00:09:53,463 --> 00:09:55,598 - Oh... - What? It's good. 257 00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:57,210 That was an old switcheroo. 258 00:09:58,365 --> 00:10:00,554 I just want to say you two, uh... 259 00:10:01,595 --> 00:10:02,230 What? 260 00:10:02,267 --> 00:10:03,800 - No, no, I don't want to say. - Come on, what? 261 00:10:03,830 --> 00:10:05,624 I don't want to say. I don't feel like it's-- 262 00:10:05,650 --> 00:10:07,357 - The point is it's not my... - What are you afraid of? 263 00:10:07,382 --> 00:10:09,862 - You're thinking it. - I'm not afraid, but... He's kind of an ass-- damn it! 264 00:10:10,307 --> 00:10:12,763 You think I should break up with Mike? 265 00:10:12,785 --> 00:10:14,908 No, no, that is not my place to... 266 00:10:14,944 --> 00:10:17,203 - Well, you did; it is your place. - But I've been drinking with you, 267 00:10:17,227 --> 00:10:20,286 and I feel like you're luring me in... Dump his ass! 268 00:10:22,798 --> 00:10:24,332 Damn it. 269 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,427 I can't believe you'd say that to me. 270 00:10:27,621 --> 00:10:29,017 You should mind your own business. 271 00:10:30,936 --> 00:10:32,536 So many years of footage. 272 00:10:32,653 --> 00:10:34,054 This is from last May. 273 00:10:34,103 --> 00:10:35,929 I was trying to add an extra ab muscle. 274 00:10:35,978 --> 00:10:36,885 Jess, I can't take this... 275 00:10:36,909 --> 00:10:38,666 This is when I was experimenting with faux hawks. 276 00:10:38,707 --> 00:10:41,174 - I can't, I can't, I can't take it, Jess. - You can. 277 00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:43,104 - You're gonna blow this. - My face is numb. 278 00:10:43,135 --> 00:10:44,972 This is when I was lowering my bar sexually. 279 00:10:45,003 --> 00:10:47,138 - Why is my face numb? - Okay, I'm gonna say this once. 280 00:10:47,252 --> 00:10:48,818 - Tighten up. - Okay, yeah. 281 00:10:48,842 --> 00:10:50,164 I can't believe this is happening. 282 00:10:50,276 --> 00:10:51,465 It's such an important day. 283 00:10:51,507 --> 00:10:52,817 What's happening today? 284 00:10:52,993 --> 00:10:54,228 I just have to look good. 285 00:10:54,246 --> 00:10:56,984 Okay? Not like some Ukrainian dentist. 286 00:11:01,054 --> 00:11:02,255 Oh, my God. 287 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:05,985 - Jess, I'm dying. - What's wrong with you. 288 00:11:06,026 --> 00:11:07,140 I'm dying, Jess. 289 00:11:08,532 --> 00:11:10,600 Jess, pretend you're not seeing this... 290 00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:13,629 Schmidt, this isn't a good time. 291 00:11:14,372 --> 00:11:15,745 Cece, please. 292 00:11:15,836 --> 00:11:18,226 Just... just open the box. 293 00:11:22,635 --> 00:11:23,935 You brought a pigeon into my house? 294 00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:26,247 I couldn't find a dove. Come on, Beatty. 295 00:11:29,138 --> 00:11:31,174 It's... it was supposed to fly out when you opened up the lid. 296 00:11:31,199 --> 00:11:33,963 - What are you doing? - I love you, Cece. 297 00:11:35,142 --> 00:11:39,369 And I have been in love with you for so long. 298 00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:44,350 I used to think it was just a heavy like, but... 299 00:11:45,633 --> 00:11:47,100 it's love. 300 00:11:50,150 --> 00:11:52,699 - There it goes. - Is this real? 301 00:11:52,915 --> 00:11:53,615 For you? 302 00:11:53,735 --> 00:11:55,243 Yes. 303 00:11:56,999 --> 00:11:59,369 Cece, I'm ready for a serious commitment. 304 00:11:59,436 --> 00:12:01,601 I'm up for a huge promotion at work. 305 00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:04,342 I'm ready to have kids with you, if that's what you want. 306 00:12:04,899 --> 00:12:05,836 You want to have kids? 307 00:12:05,866 --> 00:12:07,455 Let's go right now, let's go make a kid. 308 00:12:07,794 --> 00:12:08,881 Take your top off. 309 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,050 Schmidt, my mother... 310 00:12:11,171 --> 00:12:12,910 she's gonna hate you. 311 00:12:12,992 --> 00:12:15,029 Okay? You're Jewish. 312 00:12:15,243 --> 00:12:17,410 She hates Jews; I mean, she really hates them. 313 00:12:17,433 --> 00:12:18,967 Everybody hates the Jews. 314 00:12:19,166 --> 00:12:20,679 Your mom's in the majority. 315 00:12:21,769 --> 00:12:23,819 I'll convert to Indianism. 316 00:12:23,970 --> 00:12:26,506 Hindi... Hindi-is...eh? 317 00:12:26,893 --> 00:12:29,747 Indiani-Indi... Indi-Buddhi-ism? 318 00:12:30,603 --> 00:12:34,106 Schmidt, we have so much going against us. 319 00:12:34,226 --> 00:12:36,332 Let's have dinner. Tonight. 320 00:12:40,625 --> 00:12:41,382 Okay. 321 00:12:41,467 --> 00:12:42,700 Cool. No, yeah, cool. 322 00:12:43,749 --> 00:12:45,017 Just give me a second. 323 00:12:48,453 --> 00:12:52,026 Ah... yes! 324 00:12:53,857 --> 00:12:55,224 I'm sorry. 325 00:12:57,590 --> 00:13:00,613 - Wiston, are you out of your head? - Security camera. 326 00:13:00,650 --> 00:13:02,244 What are you doing? Schmidt has a security camera. 327 00:13:02,270 --> 00:13:04,233 Why did I think he didn't have a security camera? 328 00:13:04,669 --> 00:13:06,332 Oh. You're a briefs man. 329 00:13:06,382 --> 00:13:07,638 I was hoping I'd never find out. 330 00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:09,851 Oh, my goodness, we should not have gone for that tub. 331 00:13:09,932 --> 00:13:11,900 I just like bubbles so much... 332 00:13:12,049 --> 00:13:13,906 Winston, I think you're having a panic attack. 333 00:13:14,036 --> 00:13:15,010 Hmm? 334 00:13:15,966 --> 00:13:18,200 Shut up, hey, Jess, no. 335 00:13:18,249 --> 00:13:21,893 I'm, uh... this is just the willies. 336 00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:24,141 The w... the what? The... the willies? 337 00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:25,377 The willies, yeah. It's the same thing 338 00:13:25,401 --> 00:13:27,081 that happened when I took my driver's test. 339 00:13:27,248 --> 00:13:28,649 Go ahead and start the car. 340 00:13:30,486 --> 00:13:33,007 No! No! 341 00:13:36,988 --> 00:13:38,582 A lot of people get panic attacks. 342 00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:40,340 - The willies. - My dad used to get them all the time. 343 00:13:40,368 --> 00:13:42,322 Like, every time he had to make a left turn. 344 00:13:42,347 --> 00:13:43,722 It would take him two and a half hours 345 00:13:43,734 --> 00:13:44,670 to drive me to school. 346 00:13:44,694 --> 00:13:46,804 We'd just drive all around Portland, making right turns. 347 00:13:48,766 --> 00:13:50,200 - Okay. - It's okay. 348 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:52,731 - Okay. - It's really okay. 349 00:13:53,186 --> 00:13:54,749 Are you going to tell anybody about my underwear? 350 00:13:54,786 --> 00:13:57,088 Look, I really want to. 351 00:13:57,463 --> 00:13:59,064 But I won't. 352 00:13:59,762 --> 00:14:01,027 - Where is he? - It's over, Mike. 353 00:14:01,051 --> 00:14:02,785 - Where's Nick? - Just stop... just stop it. 354 00:14:02,953 --> 00:14:05,266 Hey. You Nick? 355 00:14:06,151 --> 00:14:07,664 Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not Nick. 356 00:14:07,719 --> 00:14:09,403 Nick has pinkeye! I'm Ricardo! 357 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,377 - Let Nick go! - Ricardo? Ricardo? This is Nick, huh? 358 00:14:11,409 --> 00:14:13,776 You're a dead man! 359 00:14:15,362 --> 00:14:16,350 I had it handled! 360 00:14:16,390 --> 00:14:18,553 He was gonna kill you. I've seen him do it. 361 00:14:18,684 --> 00:14:20,646 - I know someone at work who can stitch him up. - Okay, let's get him 362 00:14:20,665 --> 00:14:22,403 - stitched up right now. This is disgusting. - Okay. 363 00:14:22,449 --> 00:14:23,683 I'm out there every night, 364 00:14:23,725 --> 00:14:26,394 balling to the max, and you expect me to do what, 365 00:14:26,412 --> 00:14:29,481 just stop and chew up some cherry-flavored multi-V? 366 00:14:29,562 --> 00:14:30,806 No, thanks. 367 00:14:30,908 --> 00:14:33,589 I'll take my vitamins on the rocks. Double V. 368 00:14:33,637 --> 00:14:36,715 Heart. Spirit. Body. Party. 369 00:14:36,922 --> 00:14:39,103 You gotta get specific about this vodka. 370 00:14:39,199 --> 00:14:40,787 - Have you tried Double V? - No. 371 00:14:40,862 --> 00:14:41,949 Let's open up this bitch. 372 00:14:41,984 --> 00:14:43,382 Let's open up... okay. 373 00:14:43,407 --> 00:14:45,685 - Um... I kind of... - We're going to do every vitamin, 374 00:14:45,713 --> 00:14:48,384 in alphabetical order. Each shot that you do, 375 00:14:48,425 --> 00:14:50,359 makes me know you're going that extra mile. 376 00:14:50,858 --> 00:14:53,502 - Emma, I really... - Is there something more important than work? 377 00:14:54,326 --> 00:14:55,389 - What? - Okay. 378 00:14:55,430 --> 00:14:56,703 - But you said-- - No, I... no, no, no. 379 00:14:56,728 --> 00:14:58,178 Let's-let's just... all right, we'll do it. 380 00:14:58,201 --> 00:14:59,507 Don't feel weird, Winston. 381 00:14:59,555 --> 00:15:01,183 Everybody has their weird thing. 382 00:15:01,477 --> 00:15:02,670 Even me. 383 00:15:03,281 --> 00:15:05,506 Look, I'm gonna tell you something about myself. 384 00:15:06,249 --> 00:15:09,551 I am really claustrophobic. 385 00:15:09,581 --> 00:15:11,748 - Jess, I don't believe you. - No, seriously, watch. 386 00:15:16,496 --> 00:15:18,669 - You seem fine to me. - I seem fine, 387 00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:21,369 but if I close the door, 388 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:24,791 it's gonna feel like I'm dying... 389 00:15:25,176 --> 00:15:27,307 even more than 390 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:28,419 a real death. 391 00:15:28,437 --> 00:15:32,425 It just feels like death... plus more death. 392 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:33,974 Okay, this is silly. Just come on. 393 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,694 But I'm gonna be okay, because I know you're out there. 394 00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,336 - Mm-hmm. - And you can help me... 395 00:15:38,029 --> 00:15:39,297 Oh, my God... 396 00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:40,539 Okay... 397 00:15:41,987 --> 00:15:44,312 - Oh, my God. Let me out! - Jess, this is not... this is not funny, Jess. 398 00:15:44,349 --> 00:15:45,744 - Can you open up the door? - Jess? 399 00:15:45,875 --> 00:15:46,963 It's closed! 400 00:15:46,981 --> 00:15:48,501 Oh, my God, Jess, the door is stuck. 401 00:15:48,582 --> 00:15:50,757 - Jess, the door is stuck! - It's so hot in here! 402 00:15:50,832 --> 00:15:53,133 - Oh, my God! - Jess, come on, now, this is not funny. 403 00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:56,082 - Oh, my God... Oh, my God... Oh! - Jess, this is not... oh, my goodness, is it hot? 404 00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,422 - So you're not a nurse? - Who said I was a nurse? 405 00:15:58,490 --> 00:16:00,491 Stitches-- you said somebody at work can do stitches. 406 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,058 Who does stitches at a strip club? 407 00:16:02,117 --> 00:16:03,317 Someone need stitches? 408 00:16:03,455 --> 00:16:05,211 Let me get my needle and my bifocals. 409 00:16:05,347 --> 00:16:06,415 Be right back. 410 00:16:06,462 --> 00:16:09,031 Okay, let's get you down right next to that dirty pole. 411 00:16:09,075 --> 00:16:10,551 There? That? Okay, good. 412 00:16:11,468 --> 00:16:13,270 Th... really nice place. 413 00:16:13,338 --> 00:16:15,643 Uh, this is where you work. 414 00:16:16,203 --> 00:16:17,135 You the ticket-taker? 415 00:16:17,174 --> 00:16:18,441 - No, I'm a stripper. - Yeah. 416 00:16:18,459 --> 00:16:20,248 But what is it that you do here? 417 00:16:20,278 --> 00:16:22,731 - Stripper. - Because college is so expensive these days... 418 00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:25,618 - I'm a stripper. - But only topless. 419 00:16:25,654 --> 00:16:27,329 - Completely naked. - Mike, where's my taco? 420 00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:28,459 What happened? What happened? 421 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,952 Uh, he remembered that he was married to you, 422 00:16:30,983 --> 00:16:33,143 so he tried to beat the memory out of his brain with a brick. 423 00:16:33,189 --> 00:16:35,132 - Oh, he's married... - You stupid bitch! 424 00:16:35,151 --> 00:16:36,277 Oh, not okay! 425 00:16:37,395 --> 00:16:38,429 Ladies! Stop fighting! 426 00:16:38,451 --> 00:16:41,280 Hey, hey! Stop this now! 427 00:16:41,330 --> 00:16:44,113 Don't stop this! I'm super aroused! 428 00:16:44,144 --> 00:16:45,844 I think I just became a dirt bag. 429 00:16:45,915 --> 00:16:47,983 Why did I cross the bar? 430 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:52,656 I did it. 431 00:16:52,743 --> 00:16:55,077 - I'm here for dinner. I made it. - It's really late. 432 00:16:55,126 --> 00:16:57,615 We got the account. I was with my boss, we got the account. 433 00:16:57,705 --> 00:17:00,082 - We did it. - You were with your boss? 434 00:17:00,744 --> 00:17:01,548 What? 435 00:17:01,589 --> 00:17:03,577 - No. - The woman who made you sign a contract 436 00:17:03,610 --> 00:17:05,753 - so she could have sex with you, your boss? - No. 437 00:17:05,784 --> 00:17:07,715 No. Uh... 438 00:17:07,789 --> 00:17:08,922 - Yeah. - Yeah. 439 00:17:08,990 --> 00:17:10,455 No... but nothing happened. 440 00:17:10,479 --> 00:17:12,431 She just wanted me to taste the V. 441 00:17:13,203 --> 00:17:14,437 That came out wrong. 442 00:17:14,479 --> 00:17:15,720 - Yeah. - I thought about... 443 00:17:15,755 --> 00:17:18,072 I thought about the boss's boobs once. 444 00:17:19,032 --> 00:17:20,295 They're still real nice, 445 00:17:20,321 --> 00:17:24,032 but I didn't have no connection to them emotionally, whatsoever. 446 00:17:24,437 --> 00:17:25,612 Nothing. 447 00:17:26,172 --> 00:17:29,909 Cece, I can pay for our baby's college now. 448 00:17:30,038 --> 00:17:31,801 Literally anywhere they want to go. 449 00:17:31,888 --> 00:17:34,990 UCLA, UMass... any of the U schools. 450 00:17:35,027 --> 00:17:37,656 - I love you so much. - You should probably... 451 00:17:37,939 --> 00:17:39,106 Oh, not... 452 00:17:44,299 --> 00:17:45,642 It's okay. 453 00:17:51,649 --> 00:17:53,317 Cece, I'm gonna pee in my summer suit. 454 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,428 Hey, Mom, it's me. 455 00:17:56,341 --> 00:17:58,043 I think I'm ready to have you set me up. 456 00:17:58,554 --> 00:18:00,088 This is not a prank. Call me back. 457 00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:06,005 - Oh, thank God. - Oh, my goodness. 458 00:18:06,024 --> 00:18:08,166 - Thank you, man. - I see. 459 00:18:08,188 --> 00:18:10,538 If you guys have been playing hard to get, 460 00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,793 you don't have to. I am totally ready 461 00:18:12,817 --> 00:18:16,237 to get mixed up in this choco-vanilla shake. 462 00:18:17,637 --> 00:18:18,572 No. 463 00:18:18,622 --> 00:18:20,614 Yeah, you know what I'm talking about here. 464 00:18:20,639 --> 00:18:22,239 - I'm just talking about... - Yes... I know, I know. 465 00:18:22,264 --> 00:18:23,024 We got it. 466 00:18:23,038 --> 00:18:25,286 - We got it, Remy. We got it. Yeah. - ...doing it with-with both of you. 467 00:18:25,390 --> 00:18:26,459 Three... 468 00:18:27,275 --> 00:18:28,975 This never happened. 469 00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:33,979 Jess, I just want to say thank you. 470 00:18:34,127 --> 00:18:35,610 You know, I thought I was the only crazy one, 471 00:18:35,646 --> 00:18:37,137 but it turns out you're nuts as well. 472 00:18:37,162 --> 00:18:39,473 Oh, I'm straight-up bananas, Winston. 473 00:18:39,814 --> 00:18:41,325 Next time that happens to you, 474 00:18:41,362 --> 00:18:44,097 just come to me, and I'll help you keep your pants on. 475 00:18:44,997 --> 00:18:47,578 So what are we gonna do about Schmidt's suits? 476 00:18:47,691 --> 00:18:50,122 I feel like there's a very obvious solution. 477 00:18:52,708 --> 00:18:55,405 Oh, come on! Again? 478 00:18:58,311 --> 00:19:00,526 Thank God. The meth-heads came back. 479 00:19:00,551 --> 00:19:03,004 They brought your suits back 'cause they don't fit them. 480 00:19:03,033 --> 00:19:04,598 They did the right thing, 'cause they're 481 00:19:04,619 --> 00:19:06,683 - drug addicts, they're not monsters. - Right. 482 00:19:06,726 --> 00:19:08,393 They actually got them dry-cleaned, um... 483 00:19:08,425 --> 00:19:10,079 deluxe package, very pricey. 484 00:19:10,159 --> 00:19:11,360 Why'd he tie you up? 485 00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:12,284 They kept saying, like, 486 00:19:12,315 --> 00:19:14,754 "Ah, I'm so hungry for more meth," you know? 487 00:19:14,871 --> 00:19:17,065 "Let's get rid of these suits. 488 00:19:17,909 --> 00:19:20,377 These clean... suits." 489 00:19:20,469 --> 00:19:21,936 Jess and I want a tub. 490 00:19:21,985 --> 00:19:23,819 We want candles and bubbles. 491 00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,836 Oh, damn it, Schmidt, we want bubbles, man. 492 00:19:25,856 --> 00:19:28,347 I want to cover everything up on my body with bubbles. 493 00:19:28,372 --> 00:19:30,374 You know, and then just blow 'em off like this... 494 00:19:30,618 --> 00:19:31,927 and laugh, like... 495 00:19:31,952 --> 00:19:34,282 Get a tub, man. Let's get a tub; I don't care. 496 00:19:35,114 --> 00:19:36,395 - Hey. - You okay? 497 00:19:36,453 --> 00:19:37,653 What's wrong? 498 00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:40,529 I told Cece that I loved her. 499 00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:44,250 Then I got drunk, and she called her mom, and... 500 00:19:47,255 --> 00:19:49,490 She's going brown. 501 00:19:50,532 --> 00:19:52,900 She wants to marry a brown man. 502 00:19:56,716 --> 00:19:58,502 - Schmidt... - Schmidt! 503 00:19:58,981 --> 00:20:01,082 - Hey, man. - Hey... 504 00:20:01,142 --> 00:20:02,861 - Hey, hey, hey. - Hold it right there. 505 00:20:02,893 --> 00:20:04,360 Let it go, man. 506 00:20:04,459 --> 00:20:06,593 - Let it go. - Okay. 507 00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:11,976 How'd you guys get out of your ties? 508 00:20:17,020 --> 00:20:18,287 Hey... 509 00:20:19,798 --> 00:20:20,466 Hey. 510 00:20:20,491 --> 00:20:21,730 What can I get you to drink, Angie? 511 00:20:21,749 --> 00:20:23,282 Oh, no, I don't... 512 00:20:23,618 --> 00:20:26,657 I just want to... hang out. 513 00:20:27,729 --> 00:20:28,828 I've got this rule. 514 00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:30,328 Never cross the bar. 515 00:20:30,789 --> 00:20:32,891 And I broke that rule, and... 516 00:20:33,627 --> 00:20:35,554 Look, these 18 inches of oak 517 00:20:35,586 --> 00:20:38,304 are the only thing that separates me 518 00:20:38,341 --> 00:20:40,174 from guys like Sid over there. 519 00:20:40,831 --> 00:20:42,732 No disrespect. I got your next round. 520 00:20:42,762 --> 00:20:44,487 Well, I don't have any rules. 521 00:20:46,499 --> 00:20:48,198 Don't do... don't... 522 00:20:48,263 --> 00:20:50,031 No customers... 523 00:20:51,446 --> 00:20:53,028 ...behind the bar. 524 00:21:00,882 --> 00:21:02,883 Oh, Sid, you gotta... You're killing me. 525 00:21:03,082 --> 00:21:05,283 Sit down and drink your beer. 526 00:21:06,715 --> 00:21:08,415 I'm a man with feelings. 527 00:21:08,671 --> 00:21:11,341 Feelings that are bubbling up inside of me, and... 528 00:21:12,347 --> 00:21:13,981 ...they're about to explode. 529 00:21:14,383 --> 00:21:16,588 I'd like for those feelings to explode on you. 530 00:21:19,375 --> 00:21:21,338 You got this, dawg. Look at you, dawg. 531 00:21:21,399 --> 00:21:22,722 Look at you! 532 00:21:22,757 --> 00:21:24,090 Look at your face, dawg! 533 00:21:24,164 --> 00:21:25,432 Look at your face! 534 00:21:25,505 --> 00:21:26,772 You got this, son! 535 00:21:26,959 --> 00:21:29,595 d Well, I love you d 536 00:21:30,132 --> 00:21:32,165 d And I've never said those words d 537 00:21:32,271 --> 00:21:35,572 d Well, I love you, from the bo... d 538 00:21:36,546 --> 00:21:41,546 sync by Norther