1
00:00:02,881 --> 00:00:04,683
You know, maybe
I found out too early.
2
00:00:04,717 --> 00:00:08,473
I was five years old when "Santa"
gave me my own fire truck
3
00:00:08,492 --> 00:00:09,746
and a teddy bear that smelled
4
00:00:09,771 --> 00:00:11,103
like my dad's cigarettes.
5
00:00:11,277 --> 00:00:12,796
That's not Santa.
6
00:00:12,831 --> 00:00:15,133
I just believe things
and go on believing them.
7
00:00:15,155 --> 00:00:17,570
If someone tells me a fat man's
bringing me dolls every year,
8
00:00:17,594 --> 00:00:19,835
- I just don't question it.
- You would've been my nightmare.
9
00:00:19,859 --> 00:00:22,097
We were on very strict
instructions from Rabbi Schmulie
10
00:00:22,116 --> 00:00:23,453
not to say a word until the last
11
00:00:23,484 --> 00:00:25,018
Christian kid found out
about Santa Claus.
12
00:00:25,071 --> 00:00:27,446
Ruining Christmas,
very bad for our brand.
13
00:00:27,501 --> 00:00:29,293
Well, whether or not
Santa's real, it's just
14
00:00:29,318 --> 00:00:30,852
nice to have something
to believe in.
15
00:00:31,293 --> 00:00:33,591
Did you just say
"Whether or not Santa's real"?
16
00:00:33,627 --> 00:00:35,564
- You don't believe in
Santa Claus, do you? - No.
17
00:00:35,795 --> 00:00:37,376
Do I wish Santa was real?
18
00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:39,189
- I mean, yeah.
- Santa's not real, Winston.
19
00:00:39,222 --> 00:00:40,749
WINSTON: Shut up, stupid!
You're a dummy!
20
00:00:40,780 --> 00:00:42,527
(Stammering)
21
00:00:42,612 --> 00:00:45,347
So... and...
I don't even c...
22
00:00:45,414 --> 00:00:47,307
Like, you're the...
Okay, aw, here we go.
23
00:00:47,332 --> 00:00:49,276
You know what, look who's talking.
You're the same guy
24
00:00:49,289 --> 00:00:50,770
who only eats mayonnaise
on game days.
25
00:00:50,797 --> 00:00:52,320
That's how you makee
the Chicago Bears win.
26
00:00:52,345 --> 00:00:54,403
Hey, Winnie,
were you a good boy this year?
27
00:00:54,984 --> 00:00:55,951
Oh, really?
28
00:00:55,966 --> 00:00:57,110
Stop, guys, stop!
29
00:00:57,141 --> 00:00:58,410
SCHMIDT: Don't throw
the cranberries!
30
00:00:58,437 --> 00:00:59,321
- Get him!
- Stop!
31
00:00:59,372 --> 00:01:01,130
- I don't mess around!
- No!
32
00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:04,631
- Go for the eyes!
- Truce! Truce! Truce!
33
00:01:04,669 --> 00:01:05,619
Truce! Truce!
34
00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:06,948
One got stuck in my ear.
35
00:01:07,065 --> 00:01:08,528
We got a cranberry in his ear.
36
00:01:08,561 --> 00:01:10,061
How is that even possible?
37
00:01:10,092 --> 00:01:11,392
Why don't you ask
Santa Claus to take
38
00:01:11,417 --> 00:01:12,997
- the cranberry out of your ear?
- Huh?!
39
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:14,785
I said it got stuck in my ear!
40
00:01:14,833 --> 00:01:16,635
Truce! Truce! Truce! Truce!
41
00:01:17,339 --> 00:01:18,840
♪ Who's that girl?
42
00:01:18,891 --> 00:01:21,560
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess.
43
00:01:21,598 --> 00:01:25,534
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
44
00:01:26,531 --> 00:01:28,373
These pieces don't
make a full berry.
45
00:01:28,411 --> 00:01:30,386
There's definitely something
still stuck in there.
46
00:01:30,667 --> 00:01:33,583
Hey, would anybody mind giving me
a ride to the airport tomorrow?
47
00:01:33,610 --> 00:01:34,693
Full disclosure:
48
00:01:34,714 --> 00:01:36,784
It's out of San Diego
at 3:00 a.m.
49
00:01:36,819 --> 00:01:39,303
So tonight's our last chance
for a holiday hang-together?
50
00:01:39,328 --> 00:01:41,192
A group hang on the
Saturday before Christmas?
51
00:01:41,217 --> 00:01:43,480
(Loudly): No, sorry, I can't
tonight, Jess. Office party.
52
00:01:43,511 --> 00:01:45,450
There are literally millions
of parties. It's a puzzle as...
53
00:01:45,474 --> 00:01:47,094
That's what you guys
are talking about, right?
54
00:01:47,309 --> 00:01:48,865
I mean, it's not like
I can hear anything,
55
00:01:48,908 --> 00:01:50,956
because I got a cranberry
stuck in my ear!
56
00:01:50,975 --> 00:01:52,275
- You're yelling.
- Huh?
57
00:01:52,300 --> 00:01:54,056
Slade and Sienna
are having a house thing.
58
00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:56,236
Oshiro-San is serving
whale meat after midnight.
59
00:01:56,262 --> 00:01:57,846
- Huh? What y'all talking about?
- Shut up.
60
00:01:57,880 --> 00:01:59,843
Sadie is having
a cookie-decorating party.
61
00:01:59,862 --> 00:02:02,193
The gorilla twins
are having a thump-thump.
62
00:02:02,221 --> 00:02:04,259
Let's try to hit all
the parties we can.
63
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:07,134
Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay
home and try not to call Sam.
64
00:02:07,173 --> 00:02:08,989
- What'd you say?
- I'm gonna die alone.
65
00:02:09,125 --> 00:02:10,744
And merry Christmas.
66
00:02:10,860 --> 00:02:13,232
- We have to hang out together.
- I hate that idea.
67
00:02:13,252 --> 00:02:14,669
I'll be designated driver.
68
00:02:14,687 --> 00:02:16,138
- I'm in.
- Okay, yeah, let's do it.
69
00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:18,471
The only we make this work
is if we do the Irish good-bye.
70
00:02:18,502 --> 00:02:20,063
We leave the parties
without saying good-bye.
71
00:02:20,081 --> 00:02:22,344
And I'm asking you guys
as my friends to not be
72
00:02:22,371 --> 00:02:25,765
so damn awkward around
my stripper girlfriend,
73
00:02:25,795 --> 00:02:27,551
just 'cause she's a stripper.
- You are the most awkward.
74
00:02:27,588 --> 00:02:29,106
You should probably stop calling
her your "stripper girlfriend."
75
00:02:29,124 --> 00:02:31,408
She's unpredictable
and exciting,
76
00:02:31,438 --> 00:02:32,594
and I love that!
77
00:02:32,668 --> 00:02:33,937
Ol' Nick Miller
78
00:02:34,036 --> 00:02:36,371
lives on the edge now.
Vroom! Vroom!
79
00:02:36,473 --> 00:02:39,086
And plus, we haven't had sex yet,
and we might tonight.
80
00:02:39,111 --> 00:02:40,874
(Grunting)
81
00:02:41,319 --> 00:02:42,582
I understood that!
82
00:02:42,809 --> 00:02:43,969
Oh, yeah!
83
00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:45,469
What'd you say, though?
84
00:02:45,628 --> 00:02:47,190
♪ On the first day
of Christmas ♪
85
00:02:47,221 --> 00:02:49,723
♪ My true love gave to me
a partridge... ♪
86
00:02:50,025 --> 00:02:51,710
Merry Christmas!
87
00:02:51,783 --> 00:02:52,884
Am I talking too loud?
88
00:02:52,918 --> 00:02:54,102
- Schmidt?
- What?
89
00:02:54,128 --> 00:02:55,575
- A word?
- What?
90
00:02:55,657 --> 00:02:58,459
You haven't said one word to
Cece since she got in the car.
91
00:02:58,545 --> 00:03:00,007
I cannot believe
that you invited her.
92
00:03:00,031 --> 00:03:01,088
She's my best friend.
93
00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:03,183
- Hey, can I talk to you a little later?
- Oh, were you hoping that
94
00:03:03,202 --> 00:03:04,622
I still had some soul left
for you to crush?
95
00:03:04,658 --> 00:03:06,639
I'm glad we're gonna be
mature about this.
96
00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:08,738
Whoa, what happened there?
97
00:03:08,790 --> 00:03:11,330
Nothing. He told her
that he loved her...
98
00:03:11,348 --> 00:03:12,799
Okay, I just want
to spend the night
99
00:03:12,824 --> 00:03:14,947
making it with some fatty
in an elf costume.
100
00:03:14,972 --> 00:03:16,555
Is that too much to ask for?
101
00:03:16,925 --> 00:03:18,306
Instead I'm stuck here
102
00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:20,032
at this Lesbian cookie party.
103
00:03:20,225 --> 00:03:22,277
It's all wreaths, no trees.
104
00:03:23,308 --> 00:03:24,827
All right, Jess,
you're on the clock;
105
00:03:24,851 --> 00:03:26,918
You have five minutes
in this party black hole.
106
00:03:27,422 --> 00:03:29,456
- Your friends are cool.
- Yeah, no, no, I like them.
107
00:03:29,521 --> 00:03:30,705
- Yeah, they...
- I live with them.
108
00:03:30,756 --> 00:03:32,724
But being serious,
it's been really fun.
109
00:03:33,208 --> 00:03:36,142
I'm glad we're hanging out and spending
time together and all that good stuff.
110
00:03:36,261 --> 00:03:38,611
You know, to be completely
honest, when I first met you,
111
00:03:38,648 --> 00:03:40,758
I didn't think that
you could handle this.
112
00:03:40,909 --> 00:03:42,972
Handle what? The fact
that you're a stripper?
113
00:03:43,009 --> 00:03:44,435
- Me being... Yeah.
- Are you kidding?
114
00:03:44,467 --> 00:03:46,000
(Laughs): Me?
- Yeah.
115
00:03:46,165 --> 00:03:48,067
Is it good?
You're sweating a little bit.
116
00:03:48,106 --> 00:03:50,625
You know what, lady, I was born
on the wrong side of the tracks.
117
00:03:50,810 --> 00:03:52,848
I've had tetanus
thrice in my life.
118
00:03:52,894 --> 00:03:55,362
- Ew. - And look at what a
badass cookie I made.
119
00:03:55,534 --> 00:03:57,386
That's the kind of cookie
Nick Miller makes.
120
00:03:57,519 --> 00:03:59,295
- Fine, look at my cookie.
- What?
121
00:04:01,971 --> 00:04:04,122
Yeah, but there
are people here.
122
00:04:04,140 --> 00:04:06,590
Are you not into having
sex around people?
123
00:04:06,792 --> 00:04:07,859
Who are you talking to?
124
00:04:07,894 --> 00:04:10,011
- Yeah? - I'm so open with
sex, it's ridiculous.
125
00:04:10,062 --> 00:04:11,629
(Forced laugh)
126
00:04:11,935 --> 00:04:13,691
You could at least
take your coat off.
127
00:04:13,716 --> 00:04:15,041
(Chuckles):
Oh, but I can't.
128
00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:16,999
Pastel walls
give me the chills.
129
00:04:17,021 --> 00:04:18,689
- Hey.
- Hey.
130
00:04:19,805 --> 00:04:21,248
- Oh, my God!
- What?
131
00:04:21,267 --> 00:04:22,898
- What...
- It's Sam! It's Sam! Put your coats on.
132
00:04:22,916 --> 00:04:24,135
- We're leaving.
- Sam Sam? Where?
133
00:04:24,155 --> 00:04:24,922
Yes, he's right over there.
134
00:04:24,949 --> 00:04:26,343
He's talking to a woman
whose sexuality
135
00:04:26,362 --> 00:04:27,779
I won't jump to
conclusions about.
136
00:04:27,813 --> 00:04:28,997
What a situation, huh, Jess?
137
00:04:29,031 --> 00:04:30,315
Forced to spend time
with someone
138
00:04:30,358 --> 00:04:32,066
who ruthlessly rejected you
139
00:04:32,151 --> 00:04:33,907
after you told him
how much you cared about him.
140
00:04:33,934 --> 00:04:35,238
- Maybe...
- Damn, he looks good.
141
00:04:35,257 --> 00:04:38,279
Just wants everyone
to get along.
142
00:04:38,310 --> 00:04:39,751
Okay, if he wanted
everybody to get along...
143
00:04:39,782 --> 00:04:40,938
I'm seriously freaking out
right now.
144
00:04:40,956 --> 00:04:43,127
...then he wouldn't have acted
like such a callous lady jerk.
145
00:04:43,153 --> 00:04:44,153
- Lady jerk?
- Lady jerk.
146
00:04:44,195 --> 00:04:45,434
I'm seriously
freaking out right now.
147
00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:47,228
- Duck! He's gonna see you.
- Ow. We have to get out
148
00:04:47,266 --> 00:04:48,900
of here, you guys.
Where is everybody?
149
00:04:49,184 --> 00:04:51,528
WINSTON: Yeah, man, see,
when a cranberry gets lodged
150
00:04:51,554 --> 00:04:53,932
in the ear, it hurts.
Look.
151
00:04:53,971 --> 00:04:55,138
- Psst, Winston.
WINSTON: Hey!
152
00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:56,745
Do you guys know Sam's here?
153
00:04:58,844 --> 00:05:00,912
- Jess? - We're Irish good-bye-ing.
Go! Go!
154
00:05:00,947 --> 00:05:03,031
- Go?
- Go, go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
155
00:05:03,065 --> 00:05:04,796
Go! Go! Go!
156
00:05:04,908 --> 00:05:06,539
JESS: All right, Schmidt,
what's the address?
157
00:05:06,570 --> 00:05:08,678
SCHMIDT: Get ready, last year
this party had acrobats
158
00:05:08,872 --> 00:05:10,039
and caged snow leopards.
159
00:05:10,254 --> 00:05:11,121
WINSTON:
What?!
160
00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:14,013
♪
161
00:05:15,294 --> 00:05:17,952
We're all here together.
No drama.
162
00:05:17,971 --> 00:05:19,596
- Not bad, Schmidt.
- Thank you.
163
00:05:19,635 --> 00:05:21,648
Are they just gonna play
computer music all night?
164
00:05:21,666 --> 00:05:23,542
What are you talking about?
That's a really respected deejay,
165
00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:25,067
who was also an actor
on Boy Meets World.
166
00:05:25,102 --> 00:05:26,502
- Hey, Jess. Whoa, Sam.
- What?!
167
00:05:26,544 --> 00:05:27,208
No!
168
00:05:27,233 --> 00:05:28,833
Why is this happening? No.
Please, I need to talk...
169
00:05:28,864 --> 00:05:29,589
Oh, God.
170
00:05:29,623 --> 00:05:30,733
No. Oh, my...
171
00:05:30,842 --> 00:05:32,167
Oh, I feel like a bird.
172
00:05:32,211 --> 00:05:33,503
Aw, that's just sad.
173
00:05:33,547 --> 00:05:35,216
- How are you here?
- Winston told me
174
00:05:35,254 --> 00:05:37,116
where the party was in
exchange for an ear exam.
175
00:05:37,141 --> 00:05:38,508
Winston told you what?!
176
00:05:39,184 --> 00:05:39,729
What?
177
00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,358
Jess, listen to me.
178
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,475
I want you back, Jess.
179
00:05:45,324 --> 00:05:46,724
Oh. (Grunts)
180
00:05:47,788 --> 00:05:48,889
Oh!
181
00:05:50,633 --> 00:05:53,077
Are none of these doors open ?
182
00:05:53,162 --> 00:05:54,012
Oh!
183
00:05:56,053 --> 00:05:58,993
What, he just wants a relationship
now, out of the blue?
184
00:05:59,030 --> 00:06:01,608
(Loudly): You never just dreamed
about him crawling back to you?
185
00:06:01,633 --> 00:06:03,549
Anybody who's ever been dumped
186
00:06:03,607 --> 00:06:06,078
has dreamed about
that special someone
187
00:06:06,103 --> 00:06:07,829
crawling their way back to them.
188
00:06:08,030 --> 00:06:09,865
I mean, come on, right?
It's the dump fantasy.
189
00:06:09,889 --> 00:06:11,294
Let's workshop that term.
190
00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:12,813
Of course I have.
191
00:06:12,890 --> 00:06:16,265
We meet in a hospital, during wartime.
192
00:06:16,738 --> 00:06:18,756
You can forgive a lot
during wartime.
193
00:06:18,782 --> 00:06:20,654
That is a fantasy, Jess.
194
00:06:20,685 --> 00:06:22,135
Okay, people don't change.
195
00:06:22,410 --> 00:06:23,888
They just think that they do.
196
00:06:24,144 --> 00:06:25,471
He's a player.
Think about it.
197
00:06:25,496 --> 00:06:27,281
Why would a good-looking
person ever become a doctor?
198
00:06:27,308 --> 00:06:28,592
SAM:
Jess?
199
00:06:29,095 --> 00:06:30,846
Oh, my God!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
200
00:06:30,918 --> 00:06:32,288
Go, go, go.
(Groans)
201
00:06:32,351 --> 00:06:34,208
- Door...
- Jess?
202
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,704
Jess, uh, I don't know
if you're in here.
203
00:06:38,747 --> 00:06:40,506
I just wanted to
tell you that...
204
00:06:40,544 --> 00:06:42,178
(Clears throat)
I messed up.
205
00:06:42,844 --> 00:06:45,313
You know, I-I went
to that party to see you.
206
00:06:45,366 --> 00:06:47,234
I knew you were gonna
be there, 'cause I saw
207
00:06:47,268 --> 00:06:49,737
the comments on the Evite.
208
00:06:50,401 --> 00:06:52,704
"Amazeballs, can't wait."
209
00:06:52,757 --> 00:06:54,638
If you are here, I'm sorry if
this sounds a little rehearsed.
210
00:06:54,662 --> 00:06:56,249
This is the third room
I've done this in.
211
00:06:56,273 --> 00:06:57,841
Hey, what's he saying?
212
00:06:57,874 --> 00:06:59,244
- I want to hear...
- Shut up, Winston.
213
00:06:59,275 --> 00:07:00,192
Jess?
214
00:07:00,613 --> 00:07:01,998
- Jess?
- Yep.
215
00:07:07,139 --> 00:07:07,890
No.
216
00:07:07,987 --> 00:07:09,387
You just think
you can come back
217
00:07:09,418 --> 00:07:10,749
and I'm just gonna be
waiting for you?
218
00:07:10,767 --> 00:07:12,935
No, of course not.
I mean...
219
00:07:13,787 --> 00:07:15,187
I had to at least try.
220
00:07:15,250 --> 00:07:16,813
You're too late.
221
00:07:17,735 --> 00:07:18,667
I'm in love.
222
00:07:18,691 --> 00:07:19,889
SAM:
What?
223
00:07:20,535 --> 00:07:21,852
With Winston.
224
00:07:24,651 --> 00:07:25,550
SAM:
What?
225
00:07:26,118 --> 00:07:27,262
We've lain together.
226
00:07:27,341 --> 00:07:28,983
No, yeah, I don't know
how it happened.
227
00:07:29,007 --> 00:07:32,777
It just got stuck up there
so far, so quickly.
228
00:07:33,414 --> 00:07:34,539
The relationship.
229
00:07:34,552 --> 00:07:35,971
WINSTON: You know, sometimes
when we're hanging out,
230
00:07:35,995 --> 00:07:36,962
it can get a little rough.
231
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:38,828
- Oh, boy, does it.
- Yeah.
232
00:07:38,852 --> 00:07:40,472
All right. Well, I didn't
know that, so...
233
00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:42,526
What's going on? I feel like
I'm missing something.
234
00:07:43,805 --> 00:07:45,339
(Nick laughing)
235
00:07:45,935 --> 00:07:47,271
Snow time.
(Giggling)
236
00:07:47,949 --> 00:07:49,430
Hey, what are you doing?
No, no, no.
237
00:07:49,484 --> 00:07:51,932
Hey, everything is so expensive
here, Angie. (Squeals)
238
00:07:51,969 --> 00:07:52,904
Don't. Get off that thing.
239
00:07:52,935 --> 00:07:54,354
Why don't you get on?
240
00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:56,698
(Bells jingling)
(Chuckles)
241
00:07:56,799 --> 00:07:58,018
You know what?
242
00:07:58,065 --> 00:08:00,066
Get in the sleigh, girl.
243
00:08:02,499 --> 00:08:03,993
What happens in the sleigh?
244
00:08:04,774 --> 00:08:06,332
What happens in the sleigh
245
00:08:06,364 --> 00:08:09,032
- is I'll be your reindeer...
- Uh-huh.
246
00:08:09,066 --> 00:08:12,486
And take your toys
up in the sky.
247
00:08:13,639 --> 00:08:14,967
Sexy.
248
00:08:15,473 --> 00:08:16,648
(Giggles)
249
00:08:17,375 --> 00:08:19,475
(Mouthing)
250
00:08:19,606 --> 00:08:22,208
Ooh! Ho ho ho!
251
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,583
Here comes the
chubby Santa boy!
252
00:08:24,688 --> 00:08:26,078
Get in here.
(Grunts)
253
00:08:26,884 --> 00:08:28,003
NICK:
This is real.
254
00:08:28,037 --> 00:08:29,821
We are...
This is...
255
00:08:30,037 --> 00:08:31,443
You are quick to the belt.
256
00:08:31,492 --> 00:08:32,575
Let's do this.
257
00:08:32,620 --> 00:08:34,404
You have been Taken.
258
00:08:34,902 --> 00:08:35,652
What's that?
259
00:08:35,699 --> 00:08:37,834
A nearly perfect Liam Neeson.
260
00:08:38,736 --> 00:08:39,813
NICK:
Whoa!
261
00:08:39,897 --> 00:08:41,064
Oh, no!
262
00:08:41,398 --> 00:08:43,032
(Nick grunting)
263
00:08:45,236 --> 00:08:47,220
(Angie giggling, Nick groaning)
264
00:08:47,625 --> 00:08:49,017
NICK:
No! This isn't...
265
00:08:50,566 --> 00:08:54,002
This is my nightmare!
(Grunting)
266
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,352
Merry Christmas!
267
00:08:59,436 --> 00:09:01,086
Oh.
(Whistling)
268
00:09:01,214 --> 00:09:02,597
(Grunts)
269
00:09:07,984 --> 00:09:10,734
Hey. I know... I know
you're trying to avoid me,
270
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:13,934
but just take this gift
I got you and I will walk away.
271
00:09:13,973 --> 00:09:16,858
I don't celebrate Christmas,
okay? Or as I like to call it,
272
00:09:16,882 --> 00:09:18,988
White Anglo-Saxon Winter
Privilege Night.
273
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:20,567
I really want us to be friends.
274
00:09:20,598 --> 00:09:22,166
Whenever you're ready.
275
00:09:22,332 --> 00:09:23,857
Because I really do
care about you.
276
00:09:23,883 --> 00:09:25,307
Thank you so much for this.
277
00:09:25,331 --> 00:09:28,146
'Cause this
makes it so much better.
278
00:09:30,656 --> 00:09:33,158
Here. This is for you.
279
00:09:34,001 --> 00:09:35,917
SCHMIDT: What if you came
home with me tonight?
280
00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:37,915
You look like a hot elf.
281
00:09:40,216 --> 00:09:41,447
- Hold still.
- Uh-huh.
282
00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:42,797
(Sighs)
283
00:09:42,878 --> 00:09:43,585
Got it.
284
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,710
Oh, thank you, thank
you, thank you, man.
285
00:09:45,772 --> 00:09:47,651
Now that I think about it,
I mean, I'm not really
286
00:09:47,676 --> 00:09:49,532
surprised by you and...
you know.
287
00:09:49,588 --> 00:09:51,456
I mean, three guy roommates.
288
00:09:51,698 --> 00:09:53,225
If I really am being honest
with you,
289
00:09:53,244 --> 00:09:55,377
you were the only one
that I was really threatened by.
290
00:09:55,714 --> 00:09:57,719
I mean, you got
Metrosexual Jones
291
00:09:57,775 --> 00:09:59,155
and Sweatshirt Guy over there.
292
00:09:59,185 --> 00:10:00,751
What are we talking about here?
293
00:10:00,776 --> 00:10:03,111
Yeah, I would trade places
with you in a heartbeat.
294
00:10:03,208 --> 00:10:04,992
You know,
except for the mustache.
295
00:10:05,259 --> 00:10:08,247
Can I ask you something?
How did you get her?
296
00:10:11,349 --> 00:10:12,718
Oh...
297
00:10:13,432 --> 00:10:14,582
Hmm.
298
00:10:15,445 --> 00:10:16,563
Jess.
299
00:10:17,302 --> 00:10:19,608
Yes. (Clears throat)
Yes, my love.
300
00:10:19,757 --> 00:10:23,967
Honey, we both know we have been
unhappy for far too long.
301
00:10:24,426 --> 00:10:28,056
I am not just a vehicle you get
to ride to Pleasure Town.
302
00:10:28,564 --> 00:10:30,580
Be gone, honky!
303
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,711
(Quietly):
This is for your own good.
304
00:10:33,747 --> 00:10:36,376
Say good-bye
to paradise, honey!
305
00:10:41,777 --> 00:10:43,195
We were never going out.
306
00:10:43,229 --> 00:10:44,748
Yeah, I got that.
307
00:10:46,282 --> 00:10:51,002
I mean, Sam, what am
I supposed to think?
308
00:10:51,143 --> 00:10:53,693
So what? I'm just
supposed to believe you
309
00:10:53,717 --> 00:10:55,482
when all of a sudden
you come back to me,
310
00:10:55,506 --> 00:10:57,190
and you tell me you
want to make it work?
311
00:10:57,263 --> 00:11:00,000
I-I want to believe you,
but I just feel so...
312
00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:04,265
No!
313
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:08,228
No! Why do you think
you can just kiss me?
314
00:11:08,271 --> 00:11:09,494
I thought that was the right...
315
00:11:09,512 --> 00:11:11,041
That's all this ever was to you.
316
00:11:11,090 --> 00:11:12,774
- That's not true, Jess.
- No.
317
00:11:12,809 --> 00:11:15,605
No. I'm always so gullible,
and I'm not doing it.
318
00:11:15,757 --> 00:11:17,570
I'm not doing it anymore.
319
00:11:18,289 --> 00:11:19,240
I'm done.
320
00:11:19,631 --> 00:11:21,175
Oh, I mean, I get it.
321
00:11:21,854 --> 00:11:23,415
I'm... I'm too late.
I messed up.
322
00:11:23,453 --> 00:11:25,118
Yeah, you did.
You messed up.
323
00:11:25,487 --> 00:11:26,988
Well, I'll leave you alone.
Merry Christmas.
324
00:11:27,021 --> 00:11:28,271
No!
325
00:11:28,505 --> 00:11:30,508
I'm leaving you alone.
326
00:11:34,113 --> 00:11:36,001
I know... I know you do this
kind of thing all the time,
327
00:11:36,032 --> 00:11:37,834
but believe it or not, I don't.
328
00:11:37,889 --> 00:11:39,808
What? What does that mean?
329
00:11:39,837 --> 00:11:42,897
Look, I know for you,
this kind of stuff is normal.
330
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:44,504
- Oh.
- Doing it in sleds.
331
00:11:44,557 --> 00:11:46,258
- And...
- Oh, this is because I'm a stripper.
332
00:11:46,292 --> 00:11:47,476
(Laughing):
Yeah.
333
00:11:47,510 --> 00:11:48,927
- Are you laughing at me?
- No.
334
00:11:48,961 --> 00:11:52,291
I'm laughing into me.
335
00:11:52,965 --> 00:11:55,396
- Maybe you just can't handle this.
- No. It's great.
336
00:11:55,443 --> 00:11:57,481
You're a stripper for now.
I'm a bartender for now.
337
00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,358
- For now?
- We're not gonna be that for...
338
00:11:59,383 --> 00:12:01,583
Okay, well, for now,
I'm just gonna walk away.
339
00:12:01,608 --> 00:12:04,070
For now, you can kiss my ass.
340
00:12:04,660 --> 00:12:09,148
Nick Miller-- turning lemonade
into lemons since 1981.
341
00:12:12,479 --> 00:12:14,124
(Sleigh bells jingling)
342
00:12:14,217 --> 00:12:15,791
WINSTON: Up on the housetop.
343
00:12:15,829 --> 00:12:16,999
Click, click, click.
344
00:12:17,024 --> 00:12:18,651
You know, I just want
to say what's up to all
345
00:12:18,669 --> 00:12:21,018
my girls in the county
looking so lovely,
346
00:12:21,052 --> 00:12:23,904
like you always sometimes do.
347
00:12:23,982 --> 00:12:26,916
♪ Ho, ho, ho,
who wouldn't go? ♪
348
00:12:26,965 --> 00:12:28,149
♪ Ho, ho, ho...
349
00:12:28,389 --> 00:12:30,440
- Hey.
- Hey.
350
00:12:30,922 --> 00:12:32,504
What are you doing
in this place?
351
00:12:32,766 --> 00:12:34,217
Um...
352
00:12:37,269 --> 00:12:40,405
And we're back,
and I'm Dr. Gavin Daytona.
353
00:12:40,456 --> 00:12:43,175
You are live on the radio.
We got a caller Wendy.
354
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:45,176
You are on the phone with
the doctor. What have you got?
355
00:12:46,206 --> 00:12:47,538
Hey. Hey, Doctor.
356
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:50,619
This is Dr. Gavin. You're live
to five million people.
357
00:12:50,649 --> 00:12:53,227
- I actually, I-I had a guy...
- Oh, yeah, you did.
358
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:56,232
- I really liked him.
(Singsongy): Wah, wah!
359
00:12:57,587 --> 00:13:00,758
I'm right not to
believe him, right?
360
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:03,215
I don't know, actually.
361
00:13:04,537 --> 00:13:07,000
I think you're the kind of girl
a guy would come back for.
362
00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:10,735
Buh, buh, buh.
363
00:13:19,035 --> 00:13:20,163
It was a bracelet.
364
00:13:20,211 --> 00:13:21,617
I don't even know
what you're talking about.
365
00:13:21,672 --> 00:13:24,173
Tungsten carbide,
because you said
366
00:13:24,201 --> 00:13:25,889
that was the most baller metal.
367
00:13:25,918 --> 00:13:27,669
That's what Statham wore
in all the Transporter movies.
368
00:13:27,703 --> 00:13:31,055
I just wanted to try
to find a way to say thank you
369
00:13:31,590 --> 00:13:33,648
for telling me
that you loved me.
370
00:13:34,844 --> 00:13:37,195
Even if I was the wrong person.
371
00:13:38,879 --> 00:13:41,749
You're welcome, Cece.
372
00:13:43,082 --> 00:13:45,434
But love is stupid, okay?
373
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,209
It is a lie.
374
00:13:47,234 --> 00:13:50,450
So, bah humbug to you, Cecilia.
375
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:51,931
Bah humbug.
376
00:13:52,277 --> 00:13:54,312
Bah...
377
00:13:54,663 --> 00:13:56,064
humbug.
378
00:13:56,098 --> 00:13:58,805
♪ Up on the housetop,
click, click, click... ♪
379
00:13:58,850 --> 00:14:00,368
Where is your girlfriend?
380
00:14:00,396 --> 00:14:02,080
I blew it.
381
00:14:02,233 --> 00:14:05,485
She's so out there
and adventurous,
382
00:14:05,544 --> 00:14:07,559
and not afraid, and...
383
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:08,870
She's probably bored
of me already.
384
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:10,301
I mean, she doesn't
want to be here.
385
00:14:10,659 --> 00:14:12,757
Does Angie ever do anything
386
00:14:12,797 --> 00:14:14,160
she doesn't want to do?
387
00:14:14,210 --> 00:14:15,473
No.
388
00:14:16,342 --> 00:14:19,027
What's wrong with a girl that's
fearless? I think that could
389
00:14:19,053 --> 00:14:21,673
be good for you, especially
since you're such a chicken.
390
00:14:21,698 --> 00:14:22,892
(Clucking Christmas song)
391
00:14:22,941 --> 00:14:24,043
Don't.
392
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:29,685
Go get her.
393
00:14:31,491 --> 00:14:32,716
(Grunting)
394
00:14:32,761 --> 00:14:35,179
(Imitates chickens clucking)
395
00:14:35,325 --> 00:14:36,576
(Over speakers):
Is this on?
396
00:14:37,455 --> 00:14:38,739
It's on.
397
00:14:38,773 --> 00:14:39,998
(Laughs)
Right on. Cool.
398
00:14:40,018 --> 00:14:42,967
(Music stops)
Um... Angie?
399
00:14:43,073 --> 00:14:46,609
I just want to say publicly
that I'm an idiot.
400
00:14:47,085 --> 00:14:50,118
I couldn't just put myself
out there all the time.
401
00:14:50,193 --> 00:14:51,718
It's too scary.
402
00:14:51,763 --> 00:14:54,484
I'm not as brave as you,
but here goes.
403
00:14:54,614 --> 00:14:56,281
I'm very poor.
404
00:14:57,089 --> 00:14:59,564
Having a checking account
would be an honor.
405
00:14:59,792 --> 00:15:00,679
I'm a writer.
406
00:15:00,710 --> 00:15:03,487
I've written a zombie book.
It's terrible.
407
00:15:04,550 --> 00:15:06,138
I'm a slow runner.
408
00:15:06,562 --> 00:15:08,775
I'm obsessed with karate.
409
00:15:09,354 --> 00:15:10,910
Yeah, yeah.
410
00:15:11,135 --> 00:15:13,560
You are the scariest thing
in the world.
411
00:15:13,608 --> 00:15:16,771
And you're so goofy
to be going out with me.
412
00:15:17,229 --> 00:15:18,729
And I don't want to...
413
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,348
Thank you for...
414
00:15:23,201 --> 00:15:24,126
Winston?
415
00:15:24,158 --> 00:15:25,995
Why don't you do me
a favor, homeboy?
416
00:15:26,032 --> 00:15:27,599
Sorry I called you homeboy.
417
00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:30,312
But turn that damn music up.
418
00:15:30,946 --> 00:15:33,181
'Cause I'm about
to get sexy up in here.
419
00:15:33,203 --> 00:15:35,437
(Intro to "Deck the Halls"
plays)
420
00:15:35,897 --> 00:15:38,535
♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
421
00:15:38,578 --> 00:15:41,237
♪ Fa la-la la-la,
la, la, la, la ♪
422
00:15:41,284 --> 00:15:43,537
-♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly...♪
- Sexy?
423
00:15:43,562 --> 00:15:46,066
- No. - Weird choice, but
I'm going for it.
424
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:48,204
♪ Don we now
our gay apparel... ♪
425
00:15:48,221 --> 00:15:51,039
- Would you give me a second chance?
- ♪ Fa la-la la-la, la, la, la, la ♪
426
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:51,893
Yeah.
427
00:15:51,928 --> 00:15:54,009
Good. See, I know
what sexy is.
428
00:15:54,065 --> 00:15:55,707
- What's happening?
- And I'm gonna show you
429
00:15:55,731 --> 00:15:56,632
what kind of...
430
00:15:56,671 --> 00:15:58,906
Huh? Oh.
431
00:15:59,897 --> 00:16:02,126
Oh, no, no. Oh, okay.
432
00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:03,875
(Grunting)
Is this, is this a lap dance?
433
00:16:03,910 --> 00:16:04,704
This...
434
00:16:04,735 --> 00:16:06,949
This isn't happening.
435
00:16:07,707 --> 00:16:08,841
(Laughs)
436
00:16:12,367 --> 00:16:14,450
Oh, yeah, that-that's
the stuff.
437
00:16:14,482 --> 00:16:16,361
That-That's kind of the stuff.
438
00:16:16,411 --> 00:16:17,849
Sexy.
439
00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:21,383
♪ Fast away
the old year passes ♪
440
00:16:21,420 --> 00:16:23,302
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... ♪
441
00:16:23,340 --> 00:16:25,153
Let me show you how to do it.
442
00:16:25,180 --> 00:16:26,791
♪ Ye lads and lasses
443
00:16:26,823 --> 00:16:29,241
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
444
00:16:29,338 --> 00:16:32,048
♪ Sing we joyous all together
445
00:16:32,073 --> 00:16:34,689
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
446
00:16:34,726 --> 00:16:37,466
♪ Heedless of the wind
and weather ♪
447
00:16:37,491 --> 00:16:40,044
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... ♪
448
00:16:40,562 --> 00:16:42,797
Okay, Angie, Angie,
you're doing it all wrong.
449
00:16:42,842 --> 00:16:43,825
Okay, honey?
450
00:16:43,861 --> 00:16:45,061
Let me just...
451
00:16:45,515 --> 00:16:47,275
Eye contact.
452
00:16:48,243 --> 00:16:50,726
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... ♪
453
00:16:51,124 --> 00:16:53,695
What are you doing?
You are as dumb as it gets.
454
00:16:53,718 --> 00:16:56,269
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
455
00:16:56,282 --> 00:16:58,307
♪ Don we now our gay a...
456
00:16:59,937 --> 00:17:01,534
WINSTON: What the hell?
CECE: What are you doing?
457
00:17:01,578 --> 00:17:04,459
I just... I-I'm sorry, I think
I made a mistake about Sam.
458
00:17:04,483 --> 00:17:06,511
- I think I need to turn around.
SCHMIDT: No, you didn't, Jess.
459
00:17:06,535 --> 00:17:08,657
- You did the right thing.
- You're right, you're right.
460
00:17:09,460 --> 00:17:12,120
(Siren chirps)
- Aah, no!
- Oh, come on.
461
00:17:12,145 --> 00:17:14,129
JESS:
No, no, no.
462
00:17:14,295 --> 00:17:15,996
(Groans)
463
00:17:16,148 --> 00:17:17,822
- No, no, no, no.
WINSTON: We are so busted.
464
00:17:17,865 --> 00:17:19,138
Oh, Jess, you reek of booze.
465
00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:21,013
Winston threw a drink on me.
466
00:17:21,144 --> 00:17:23,172
CECE: Turn on the waterworks.
NICK: Just take the jacket off.
467
00:17:23,238 --> 00:17:24,669
WINSTON:
We are so busted.
468
00:17:24,703 --> 00:17:26,325
There's two of you?
Come on, I thought we were
469
00:17:26,350 --> 00:17:27,700
in the middle
of a budget crisis.
470
00:17:27,746 --> 00:17:29,137
JESS:
Officer, I understand
471
00:17:29,162 --> 00:17:30,921
how this looks and smells,
472
00:17:30,977 --> 00:17:34,118
but I assure you, I would not
ever get behind the wheel
473
00:17:34,143 --> 00:17:37,529
of a vehicle if I had had
even a drop to drink.
474
00:17:37,858 --> 00:17:40,310
This has just been
the most crazy night.
475
00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:42,277
(Voice breaking):
And I'm not going to cry
476
00:17:42,308 --> 00:17:44,704
because I believe
in traffic violations
477
00:17:44,736 --> 00:17:47,454
and paying your debt to society,
but you have
478
00:17:47,478 --> 00:17:49,563
- to believe...
- I believe you.
479
00:17:50,907 --> 00:17:52,241
You do?
480
00:17:53,157 --> 00:17:54,823
- Why?
- Jess, be cool.
481
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,915
Sometimes people tell the truth.
482
00:17:57,079 --> 00:17:58,413
You drive safely,
483
00:17:58,923 --> 00:18:00,924
and happy holidays.
484
00:18:03,191 --> 00:18:04,325
(Sighs)
485
00:18:04,508 --> 00:18:06,309
(Chuckles)
486
00:18:06,431 --> 00:18:07,948
- Was that...?
- Santa.
487
00:18:07,983 --> 00:18:09,266
- Black Santa.
- We saw Santa.
488
00:18:09,284 --> 00:18:11,318
It was Black Santa.
(Overlapping chatter)
489
00:18:11,370 --> 00:18:12,936
Santa Claus isn't even real.
490
00:18:12,954 --> 00:18:14,758
We got a black president,
we got a black Santa Claus.
491
00:18:14,783 --> 00:18:16,441
It was not Black Santa Claus!
492
00:18:16,485 --> 00:18:18,553
What a-- that's ludicrous.
493
00:18:18,584 --> 00:18:20,341
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
494
00:18:20,379 --> 00:18:21,437
Now, what is he doing?
495
00:18:21,461 --> 00:18:23,262
He should be at home
getting ready.
496
00:18:23,329 --> 00:18:24,630
I believe.
497
00:18:25,460 --> 00:18:27,278
I believe Sam
498
00:18:27,669 --> 00:18:29,170
and I want to go see him.
499
00:18:29,221 --> 00:18:30,621
To the Black North Pole!
500
00:18:30,655 --> 00:18:32,139
(Overlapping chatter)
We saw Black Santa.
501
00:18:32,174 --> 00:18:33,880
Black Santa Claus?!
502
00:18:33,917 --> 00:18:35,736
I am so sick of hanging out
with Christians.
503
00:18:35,767 --> 00:18:37,917
This is my last
Christian Christmas.
504
00:18:41,315 --> 00:18:43,494
- Hi, um, I'm here to see, um...
- Do you have
505
00:18:43,525 --> 00:18:45,438
- family members in the hospital?
- Uh, no, uh...
506
00:18:45,463 --> 00:18:46,738
Then, you're not here
to see anyone.
507
00:18:46,763 --> 00:18:49,336
- Visiting hours are over.
- It's Christmas!
508
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:54,910
Okay, new plan.
509
00:18:54,941 --> 00:18:57,392
We're carolers.
(Overlapping chatter)
510
00:18:58,321 --> 00:18:59,177
Gum?
511
00:19:01,449 --> 00:19:02,756
Boobs?
512
00:19:03,234 --> 00:19:04,469
Thank you.
513
00:19:05,566 --> 00:19:08,322
FYI, I'm totally fine
with what just happened.
514
00:19:10,023 --> 00:19:11,193
Schmidt, let's go, let's go.
515
00:19:11,205 --> 00:19:12,481
Look.
516
00:19:17,261 --> 00:19:19,347
Jess, I still think
this is a mistake.
517
00:19:19,377 --> 00:19:20,655
I mean, what if
he hurts you again?
518
00:19:20,696 --> 00:19:22,415
Sometimes people tell
the truth, Schmidt.
519
00:19:22,455 --> 00:19:25,211
Oh, thank you, Professor Cliché,
just in time for the holidays.
520
00:19:25,269 --> 00:19:27,820
Hold it. Oh, okay,
well, we should...
521
00:19:27,857 --> 00:19:29,140
(Clearing throat):
Um, madrigals.
522
00:19:30,882 --> 00:19:34,718
♪ O come, all ye faithful
523
00:19:34,746 --> 00:19:37,626
ALL (Out of sync):
♪ Joyful and triumphant
524
00:19:37,650 --> 00:19:39,264
(All singing different lyrics)
525
00:19:39,301 --> 00:19:44,328
♪ Matzo ball, Star of
David, Hanukkah ♪
526
00:19:44,488 --> 00:19:46,992
♪ Gotta do what you wanna do
when you do it ♪
♪ Menorah
527
00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:49,539
♪ Come
528
00:19:49,583 --> 00:19:51,050
(All singing different lyrics)
529
00:19:51,965 --> 00:19:54,730
♪ I don't know the words
530
00:19:54,765 --> 00:19:57,467
♪ I don't know
the words... ♪
531
00:19:57,501 --> 00:20:00,286
(All singing different lyrics)
532
00:20:01,472 --> 00:20:06,889
♪ I don't...
533
00:20:06,938 --> 00:20:08,213
♪ Know
534
00:20:08,401 --> 00:20:10,369
♪ The
535
00:20:10,412 --> 00:20:13,956
♪ Wo-o-o-o-o-o-r...
536
00:20:16,687 --> 00:20:18,188
♪ ...rds-ah!
537
00:20:18,545 --> 00:20:20,083
(Cheering)
538
00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:21,245
Good stuff.
539
00:20:21,308 --> 00:20:23,316
Yeah, thanks so much.
Thank you very much.
540
00:20:23,353 --> 00:20:25,224
SAM: Okay, okay, everyone,
back in your rooms.
541
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:26,862
It's okay, I know these people.
542
00:20:26,886 --> 00:20:27,836
- It's okay.
- All right.
543
00:20:27,879 --> 00:20:29,613
Thank you.
544
00:20:30,012 --> 00:20:31,231
You came back.
545
00:20:31,323 --> 00:20:33,006
Yeah, um...
546
00:20:33,055 --> 00:20:34,622
Jess, I know that
you don't believe me,
547
00:20:34,665 --> 00:20:37,200
but when we met, I...
548
00:20:37,238 --> 00:20:39,395
this girl had screwed me up.
549
00:20:46,282 --> 00:20:47,466
I believe you.
550
00:20:48,602 --> 00:20:53,386
♪ My friends wanna know how it
came to be that, ooh ♪
551
00:20:53,511 --> 00:20:55,646
NICK: All right, you're
in a hospital, so...
552
00:20:55,686 --> 00:20:56,820
A lot of hands.
553
00:20:56,848 --> 00:20:58,911
All right, Doctor,
ease up, ease up.
554
00:20:58,946 --> 00:21:01,815
♪ 'Cause I caught Santa
under my tree... ♪
555
00:21:01,962 --> 00:21:03,146
Cab it to the next party?
556
00:21:03,423 --> 00:21:04,380
Yes.
557
00:21:04,576 --> 00:21:06,410
Cece, do you want to come?
558
00:21:06,457 --> 00:21:08,926
I mean, I think there's
a cab stand, uh...
559
00:21:09,179 --> 00:21:11,037
Uh, maybe it's down that way.
560
00:21:11,131 --> 00:21:13,707
Could be over there,
I don't know.
561
00:21:14,017 --> 00:21:15,986
I didn't really give it away,
you know.
562
00:21:16,384 --> 00:21:17,517
I'd never do that.
563
00:21:17,858 --> 00:21:19,035
Happy Hanukkah.
564
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:20,227
Happy Moon Festival, Cece.
565
00:21:20,281 --> 00:21:21,264
Nope, not a thing.
566
00:21:21,766 --> 00:21:22,647
Happy Carnaval.
567
00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:24,204
You should stop
while you're ahead.
568
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:26,803
Uh, where are Nick and Angie?
569
00:21:28,109 --> 00:21:30,353
Ugh, in a children's hospital.
570
00:21:30,390 --> 00:21:32,178
Sexual animals, sexual animals.
571
00:21:32,203 --> 00:21:35,317
Shameless, just shameless.
572
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:41,554
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com