1 00:00:02,192 --> 00:00:04,526 Oh, Cece. Are you two kids back together? 2 00:00:04,550 --> 00:00:07,206 - She wishes. - No, plumbing's out-- severe clogging. 3 00:00:07,229 --> 00:00:08,897 - I'm sorry I asked. - This is what happens. 4 00:00:08,918 --> 00:00:11,022 Four models with protein deficiencies, 5 00:00:11,047 --> 00:00:12,639 sharing a shower. (Laughs) 6 00:00:12,677 --> 00:00:16,181 They shed like a... like a four-dollar Christmas sweater. 7 00:00:16,206 --> 00:00:17,778 Guys, guess what? 8 00:00:19,574 --> 00:00:21,608 I just made a breakthrough with a student. 9 00:00:21,645 --> 00:00:22,846 Yeah, it's true. 10 00:00:22,899 --> 00:00:24,417 (Humming) 11 00:00:24,501 --> 00:00:26,651 - Don't, please. - Uh, Jess? 12 00:00:29,218 --> 00:00:31,085 You know we love you, we all support you... 13 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,481 ♪ I'm breaking through with students. ♪ 14 00:00:32,518 --> 00:00:36,087 ...but when you do things like this, I'm sorry... bowl. 15 00:00:36,109 --> 00:00:37,993 Okay. 16 00:00:41,615 --> 00:00:42,782 It's just not satisfying. 17 00:00:42,833 --> 00:00:43,949 - I think it is. - Okay. 18 00:00:43,987 --> 00:00:45,231 You said you had a breakthrough. 19 00:00:45,262 --> 00:00:47,481 It's just a whole new world teaching adults. 20 00:00:47,504 --> 00:00:49,010 This week, I gave them an assignment. 21 00:00:49,029 --> 00:00:50,747 I said write whatever you want 22 00:00:50,788 --> 00:00:53,315 just load it up with descriptive imagery. 23 00:00:53,343 --> 00:00:54,849 MAN: My fluffy pillow, 24 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,606 my yellowy fluffy pillow, 25 00:00:56,631 --> 00:01:00,231 next to my dog, my hairy dog, my beloved hairy dog, 26 00:01:00,572 --> 00:01:02,247 while I diddle myself. - Excellent. 27 00:01:02,319 --> 00:01:04,397 He was a merman. 28 00:01:04,467 --> 00:01:06,821 He was the last of his kind, 29 00:01:06,857 --> 00:01:10,622 and he needed a mother for his mer-child. 30 00:01:11,078 --> 00:01:14,411 He was not a mer-gentleman. 31 00:01:16,857 --> 00:01:18,202 Can't wait to hear more. 32 00:01:18,228 --> 00:01:20,187 I just can't connect with them and I don't know why. 33 00:01:20,203 --> 00:01:22,569 Look, Jess, you can't teach people how to write. 34 00:01:22,594 --> 00:01:24,197 - Not true. - I say that as a writer. 35 00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:26,056 - Also not true. - A writing class is for 36 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:28,115 somebody who doesn't think lyrically in terms of, 37 00:01:28,139 --> 00:01:31,562 like, poetic words that just... are strung... 38 00:01:32,999 --> 00:01:34,133 You said you had a breakthrough. 39 00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:35,718 So I have this student whose name 40 00:01:35,737 --> 00:01:37,863 is Edgar and he was not getting it. 41 00:01:37,916 --> 00:01:40,450 And then today he turned in this amazing story. 42 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:41,963 Nick, actually, you should read this. 43 00:01:41,987 --> 00:01:44,105 Writers don't read-- we write. 44 00:01:44,125 --> 00:01:46,196 Jessica Day calls it "A must read." 45 00:01:46,223 --> 00:01:47,753 Look at that font. 46 00:01:48,082 --> 00:01:50,166 What is this amateur hour? 47 00:01:50,301 --> 00:01:52,295 At least use Palatino. 48 00:01:52,335 --> 00:01:54,070 WINSTON: Good evening, everyone. 49 00:01:54,095 --> 00:01:55,804 Or should I say morning? 50 00:01:55,837 --> 00:01:56,835 Hey, Winston. 51 00:01:56,852 --> 00:01:58,029 Do you guys have any agave? 52 00:01:58,054 --> 00:02:00,134 We might have some pressed lentil syrup 53 00:02:00,164 --> 00:02:01,295 in the mixin's cabinet. 54 00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:03,694 Thank you. 55 00:02:08,051 --> 00:02:09,851 - Oh, my goodness. - Okay, uh... 56 00:02:09,886 --> 00:02:11,017 - Okay, you know what? - Hey, look... 57 00:02:11,054 --> 00:02:12,852 I just felt the side, the side 58 00:02:12,873 --> 00:02:14,768 - anyway, so it's... - I didn't mean to... 59 00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:16,247 CECE: It's fine, it's... 60 00:02:16,768 --> 00:02:17,770 Other way, now. 61 00:02:17,795 --> 00:02:19,295 - I will fight you, Jack. - No, not again. 62 00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:20,734 Not... no! 63 00:02:20,759 --> 00:02:23,231 - No! - Jump out the way, Jessica? 64 00:02:23,255 --> 00:02:24,818 What the hell is wrong with you just waving 65 00:02:24,836 --> 00:02:26,487 that thing around like an idiot? 66 00:02:26,681 --> 00:02:28,087 ♪ Who's that girl? 67 00:02:28,110 --> 00:02:30,744 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. 68 00:02:30,838 --> 00:02:34,557 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com. Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 69 00:02:35,361 --> 00:02:38,194 Guys, listen to this. 70 00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:40,766 "By day, I'm a plumber. 71 00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:42,236 By night, I'm a stalker." 72 00:02:42,255 --> 00:02:43,338 You read it. 73 00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:44,698 "I sit in the bushes 74 00:02:44,725 --> 00:02:48,353 wearing a gimp costume, stalking my prey." 75 00:02:48,394 --> 00:02:51,344 He's the first person I got to use first person narrative. 76 00:02:51,390 --> 00:02:52,997 ♪ I'm an amazing teacher. 77 00:02:53,015 --> 00:02:54,536 - Very engaging, keep going. - I'm hooked. 78 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,913 Okay, "My prey is a deer. 79 00:02:57,029 --> 00:02:58,880 "Her eyes are big, too big. 80 00:02:58,914 --> 00:03:01,520 "Before she can blink those big eyes, 81 00:03:01,547 --> 00:03:03,114 "I'm stabbing her. 82 00:03:03,157 --> 00:03:05,492 "I stab and stab. 83 00:03:05,578 --> 00:03:07,341 I love stabbing." 84 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:08,447 Sounds like he likes stabbing. 85 00:03:08,481 --> 00:03:10,063 "After all the stabbing..." 86 00:03:10,081 --> 00:03:10,897 It's repetitive, but... 87 00:03:10,925 --> 00:03:13,531 "...I wash my hands in her dark red blood"?! 88 00:03:13,555 --> 00:03:14,525 Listen to that detail. 89 00:03:14,575 --> 00:03:16,337 This man is psychotic. 90 00:03:16,368 --> 00:03:17,610 It's fiction. 91 00:03:17,636 --> 00:03:20,316 There's no such thing as a gimp costume. 92 00:03:20,346 --> 00:03:22,096 - No, gimp costume's a real thing. - That's a real thing. 93 00:03:22,111 --> 00:03:23,157 You've seen me in one before. 94 00:03:23,175 --> 00:03:24,938 I just don't think you should be in a room 95 00:03:24,981 --> 00:03:26,781 with this creep, twice a week. 96 00:03:26,803 --> 00:03:28,130 It is not safe. 97 00:03:28,154 --> 00:03:29,518 Are you worried about me, Miller? 98 00:03:29,549 --> 00:03:31,293 Yeah, I'm a little worried about you. 99 00:03:31,482 --> 00:03:35,441 And if you won't do anything about it, then I'm taking into my own hands. 100 00:03:35,630 --> 00:03:37,118 I'm doing a little investigation. 101 00:03:37,136 --> 00:03:38,724 Investigating? Please. 102 00:03:38,742 --> 00:03:39,944 You're just gonna Google his name. 103 00:03:39,968 --> 00:03:43,040 I am way beyond that. 104 00:03:43,549 --> 00:03:44,917 You're typing his name into Google. 105 00:03:44,950 --> 00:03:46,233 We can all see the screen. See the screen, dude. 106 00:03:46,265 --> 00:03:48,850 This is a private investigation! 107 00:03:49,205 --> 00:03:51,684 Are you... I wanted to talk to you about the... 108 00:03:52,025 --> 00:03:53,771 regrettable contact 109 00:03:53,796 --> 00:03:55,347 between Cece's... 110 00:03:55,394 --> 00:03:56,678 her-her down there 111 00:03:56,729 --> 00:03:58,597 and my, uh... 112 00:03:59,081 --> 00:03:59,962 my parts. 113 00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:01,069 You practically shish-kebabbed her. 114 00:04:01,088 --> 00:04:02,885 Is this something I should apologize for? 115 00:04:02,930 --> 00:04:03,875 Just let it go, man. 116 00:04:03,899 --> 00:04:05,777 You pogo'd her. 117 00:04:06,498 --> 00:04:08,434 I'm sorry, what did you say, "pogo"? 118 00:04:09,153 --> 00:04:10,677 - I didn't, um... - I heard 119 00:04:10,712 --> 00:04:12,446 "Pogo" -- what is that? 120 00:04:12,609 --> 00:04:13,612 (Sighs) 121 00:04:13,646 --> 00:04:15,030 Look, Winston, fine. 122 00:04:15,068 --> 00:04:18,439 It's what we call what you did this morning, okay? 123 00:04:19,034 --> 00:04:20,390 It's a short... it's a shorthand. 124 00:04:20,415 --> 00:04:21,546 Why do you have a shorthand, Schmidt, 125 00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:22,571 because it happens so often? 126 00:04:22,587 --> 00:04:23,834 You pogo'd me once. 127 00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:25,690 - You pogo'd Jess twice. - Hey, it's not sexual. 128 00:04:25,702 --> 00:04:27,540 Nick's never been pogo'd directly. 129 00:04:27,578 --> 00:04:29,479 You did get his pizza one time... which, by the way, 130 00:04:29,510 --> 00:04:31,507 is a whole nother debate-- how did you not feel that? 131 00:04:31,532 --> 00:04:32,430 Let me get this straight-- 132 00:04:32,455 --> 00:04:33,691 you guys sit around and talk about this? 133 00:04:33,722 --> 00:04:35,341 Your penis actually changed the channel, 134 00:04:35,415 --> 00:04:37,215 uh, when we were watching the Bears game once. 135 00:04:37,246 --> 00:04:39,509 You don't think me, Nick and Jess talk about you behind your back? 136 00:04:39,567 --> 00:04:40,493 Because we do. 137 00:04:40,517 --> 00:04:41,850 You have more pogos than anyone. 138 00:04:41,874 --> 00:04:44,150 You are completely misusing the word pogo. 139 00:04:44,175 --> 00:04:47,010 You are the pogo king. 140 00:04:49,687 --> 00:04:51,889 Pogo king. (Laughs) 141 00:04:51,927 --> 00:04:53,680 Pogo king? 142 00:04:53,804 --> 00:04:56,389 So I wanted to talk about your creative imagery assignments. 143 00:04:56,491 --> 00:04:57,716 Wow, guys. 144 00:04:57,740 --> 00:05:01,425 I really felt like I was buried 145 00:05:01,577 --> 00:05:04,396 under a giant, gleaming, powdery 146 00:05:04,420 --> 00:05:06,342 avalanche of adjectives. 147 00:05:07,433 --> 00:05:09,494 Don't mean to interrupt, I just hear you're the best 148 00:05:09,512 --> 00:05:10,955 - teacher of adults? - Oh, no. 149 00:05:10,986 --> 00:05:12,780 - I wonder if there's room for one more? - No! 150 00:05:12,798 --> 00:05:14,491 How you guys doing? I'm Julius Pepperwood. 151 00:05:14,524 --> 00:05:16,656 - Not now, okay? - I'm an ex-cop, ex-Marine. 152 00:05:16,709 --> 00:05:18,619 I'm here to learn how to write short fiction. 153 00:05:18,644 --> 00:05:20,307 Oh, okay, Julius, just... 154 00:05:20,341 --> 00:05:21,508 take a seat and, um, 155 00:05:21,532 --> 00:05:22,210 keep small. 156 00:05:22,235 --> 00:05:23,673 I'm from Chicago. 157 00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:25,560 Thin-crust pizza? No, thank you. 158 00:05:25,578 --> 00:05:26,679 I'm from Chicago. 159 00:05:26,704 --> 00:05:28,310 So, for a fun follow-up... 160 00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,739 - Sorry, I'm late. - No, problem, Edgar. 161 00:05:30,773 --> 00:05:32,440 (Mouthing) We're just going over our 162 00:05:32,891 --> 00:05:34,860 - descriptive imagery. - I'm sorry, dear, 163 00:05:34,904 --> 00:05:36,460 I can't hear you. Mr. Pepperwood? 164 00:05:36,491 --> 00:05:37,832 I'm gonna move closer, if you don't mind. 165 00:05:37,857 --> 00:05:39,338 No, you don't have to go... stay over there. 166 00:05:39,362 --> 00:05:40,245 How you doing, pal? 167 00:05:40,270 --> 00:05:41,903 - I'm Julius Pepperwood. - Edgar. 168 00:05:41,928 --> 00:05:43,546 What are you doing? If you don't mind me asking, 169 00:05:43,571 --> 00:05:45,310 why are you late today, Edgar? 170 00:05:45,504 --> 00:05:47,879 Uh, traffic, it really killed me. 171 00:05:47,922 --> 00:05:49,697 - It killed you? - Mr. Pepperwood. 172 00:05:49,734 --> 00:05:51,440 Would you say that it stabbed you? 173 00:05:51,556 --> 00:05:53,524 - Say that again? - How about glasses on or off? 174 00:05:53,543 --> 00:05:55,758 Teach, if I keep them on, am I a bad boy? 175 00:05:55,838 --> 00:05:56,688 Hey. 176 00:05:56,716 --> 00:05:58,717 All right, honey, I'll take them off. 177 00:05:58,939 --> 00:06:02,987 Whoa, that's a whole different lens to see that blue dress. 178 00:06:03,658 --> 00:06:04,710 No. 179 00:06:04,918 --> 00:06:06,305 Okay, let's refocus. 180 00:06:06,349 --> 00:06:08,902 Um, let's talk about the, um, 181 00:06:09,042 --> 00:06:11,124 four classifications of conflict. 182 00:06:11,161 --> 00:06:14,155 We talked about it last week. It's in the workbook, um... 183 00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:15,602 Anybody want to help me? 184 00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:17,258 Four classifications of conflict? 185 00:06:17,292 --> 00:06:19,202 Anybody? Anybody... 186 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,088 So, no one has signed up for office hours and I just want 187 00:06:24,104 --> 00:06:26,717 you to know that you can talk to me about anything. 188 00:06:26,749 --> 00:06:28,924 - Adios. - Anything at all. 189 00:06:30,565 --> 00:06:31,559 What are you doing? 190 00:06:31,596 --> 00:06:34,015 Nothing, man, you look good in your Dockers. 191 00:06:34,367 --> 00:06:37,005 What? Nothing happened. I'm Julius Pepperwood. 192 00:06:37,117 --> 00:06:38,248 Let it go. 193 00:06:40,628 --> 00:06:41,459 Whoops. 194 00:06:41,483 --> 00:06:43,233 - Why did you do that? - The wind. 195 00:06:46,614 --> 00:06:48,549 (Quietly): No, no, no, no, no, no. 196 00:06:50,541 --> 00:06:51,542 Is everything all right? 197 00:06:51,573 --> 00:06:53,573 - Yeah, everything's good. - Oh, everything's fine, bro. 198 00:06:53,591 --> 00:06:57,078 - What's happening right now? - Sorry, Edgar, um, I really 199 00:06:57,462 --> 00:06:59,075 loved your story. 200 00:06:59,106 --> 00:07:01,244 Um, I wanted to give you some notes-- is there any time 201 00:07:01,268 --> 00:07:03,044 you could come in... to office hours? 202 00:07:03,066 --> 00:07:04,253 Yeah, that be really cool. 203 00:07:04,284 --> 00:07:05,434 I'm really excited. 204 00:07:05,456 --> 00:07:07,322 Um, I'm available anytime, so... 205 00:07:07,341 --> 00:07:09,010 - I'll check my calendar. - Yup. 206 00:07:09,072 --> 00:07:10,649 Can't get service around here. 207 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,379 Wednesday I got to go to the bird store. 208 00:07:16,354 --> 00:07:18,667 Uh, what about Wednesday afternoon? 209 00:07:18,775 --> 00:07:20,543 He's my uncle. 210 00:07:22,074 --> 00:07:24,126 Hey, Winston, I'm glad you're home. 211 00:07:24,414 --> 00:07:25,998 I know what my pogo is. 212 00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:28,071 It's that I dance kind of like a sea snake. 213 00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:33,260 (Hissing quietly) 214 00:07:33,294 --> 00:07:34,527 Yeah, not even close, Schmidt. 215 00:07:34,552 --> 00:07:37,050 What are you talk... I know this it, man. 216 00:07:37,381 --> 00:07:40,006 Is it that I barge into people's showers? 217 00:07:40,046 --> 00:07:42,765 It's my caterpillar eyebrows-- well, look. 218 00:07:42,855 --> 00:07:44,462 (Whooshes) (Screams) 219 00:07:44,499 --> 00:07:45,737 They're gone. 220 00:07:45,767 --> 00:07:48,571 Nick, you've gone way too far! Way too far. 221 00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:50,621 Well, if you're here for Edgar's notebook, you're too late. 222 00:07:50,655 --> 00:07:53,157 Where's the notebook? 223 00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:54,075 Nick! 224 00:07:54,094 --> 00:07:56,262 What's my one rule? 225 00:07:56,551 --> 00:07:57,851 It's to not steal your yarn. 226 00:07:57,874 --> 00:07:59,608 Don't steal my yarn, man. 227 00:07:59,731 --> 00:08:01,001 It's my one thing. 228 00:08:01,026 --> 00:08:03,070 But look at what was inside of his notebook. 229 00:08:03,095 --> 00:08:04,759 Okay, he was doodling in class, Nick. 230 00:08:04,790 --> 00:08:06,366 Weapons, dripping with blood? 231 00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:07,798 That is not a doodle. 232 00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:09,390 What are you, the doodle police? 233 00:08:09,420 --> 00:08:11,131 (Snickers) 234 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,209 - There's no doodle police, are there? - Really? 235 00:08:13,249 --> 00:08:15,049 I can't believe you still don't believe me. 236 00:08:15,079 --> 00:08:16,926 Jessica... 237 00:08:17,388 --> 00:08:18,371 Exhibit D. 238 00:08:18,389 --> 00:08:20,207 He did this. 239 00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:22,470 I'm going to Edgar's house, I'm looking for more proof. 240 00:08:22,494 --> 00:08:24,381 No, Nick, you're not spying on the one student 241 00:08:24,395 --> 00:08:25,440 that I have a connection with. 242 00:08:25,465 --> 00:08:27,059 - I have the address right here. - No. 243 00:08:27,091 --> 00:08:28,126 - Give me the... - No! 244 00:08:28,144 --> 00:08:30,779 - I have the address memorized. - Fine, then I'm coming, too. 245 00:08:30,807 --> 00:08:34,615 To bail you out of jail when you get arrested for trespassing. 246 00:08:34,646 --> 00:08:37,374 - Fine, then you'll see that I was right. - Fine! 247 00:08:37,395 --> 00:08:40,314 And you'll also see who gets there first. 248 00:08:40,527 --> 00:08:42,359 Maybe we should take one car. 249 00:08:42,384 --> 00:08:43,572 Just, like, for the environment. 250 00:08:43,596 --> 00:08:45,076 Yeah, that makes sense-- we can drive together. 251 00:08:45,097 --> 00:08:46,781 - Fine! - Fine! 252 00:08:50,672 --> 00:08:51,788 It's my mole, isn't it? 253 00:08:51,839 --> 00:08:52,956 Well, consider it gone. 254 00:08:52,993 --> 00:08:54,542 Game, set, pogo. 255 00:08:54,572 --> 00:08:55,989 Chill out, man, it's not your mole. 256 00:08:56,019 --> 00:08:57,294 Just tell me, this is the worst. 257 00:08:57,324 --> 00:08:59,120 This is not the worst, Schmidt-- the worst 258 00:08:59,155 --> 00:09:00,392 is actually knowing. 259 00:09:00,431 --> 00:09:02,748 Knowing that your friends sit around every single night 260 00:09:02,767 --> 00:09:04,511 talking about your pogo. 261 00:09:04,552 --> 00:09:06,444 What's a pogo? 262 00:09:07,161 --> 00:09:08,611 Those brows don't freak you out? 263 00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:09,865 Nah, I've seen worse. 264 00:09:09,891 --> 00:09:12,379 A pogo is what your friends talk about when you leave the room. 265 00:09:12,397 --> 00:09:14,416 Oh, like your barnacle toenails? 266 00:09:18,983 --> 00:09:21,135 Uh... sh... 267 00:09:21,156 --> 00:09:22,323 You guys talk about my toenails? 268 00:09:22,351 --> 00:09:24,385 (Laughs) Never... 269 00:09:24,610 --> 00:09:26,602 talk about your toenails, Sch... Schmidt. 270 00:09:26,627 --> 00:09:30,198 I know my toenails are a little rugged. 271 00:09:30,878 --> 00:09:31,622 Woodsy. 272 00:09:31,646 --> 00:09:33,688 I mean, I have never wondered 273 00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,358 if you could shimmy up a palm tree. 274 00:09:35,382 --> 00:09:38,145 But it's because I have a keratin surplus, I mean... 275 00:09:38,419 --> 00:09:40,363 They're not that bad, look at these things. 276 00:09:40,375 --> 00:09:41,645 - Aah! Schmidt! - Ew! 277 00:09:41,676 --> 00:09:43,313 It looks like an open Swiss Army knife. 278 00:09:43,325 --> 00:09:45,237 Most of them are hard, but one of them is really, really soft. 279 00:09:45,243 --> 00:09:48,006 I know, I know, I know-- we'll just talk about what my pogo is. 280 00:09:48,041 --> 00:09:49,375 What's my pogo? 281 00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:50,964 Is it the way I say "pan"? 282 00:09:50,998 --> 00:09:53,217 Pan, pan, pan. 283 00:09:53,241 --> 00:09:55,391 Look, Cece, this is more of just a loft thing. 284 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,056 Just thank your lucky stars that you don't have 285 00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,725 calcified mongrel toes! 286 00:09:58,781 --> 00:10:01,042 (Toenails clicking on floor) 287 00:10:01,075 --> 00:10:03,388 Things sound like a dang ol' crab. 288 00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:05,624 NICK: There it is. 289 00:10:05,649 --> 00:10:07,665 If anything's gonna go down, we need a safe word. 290 00:10:07,695 --> 00:10:10,067 Nothing's gonna go down unless we make it go down. 291 00:10:10,085 --> 00:10:12,538 - If Pepperwood taught me anything-- - There's no Pepperwood. 292 00:10:12,563 --> 00:10:15,882 Never get caught without a safe word. 293 00:10:16,357 --> 00:10:17,626 We're gonna go with "apricot." 294 00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:19,232 That's way too normal. We need to, like, 295 00:10:19,255 --> 00:10:21,507 go with something weird, like "dragon slippers." 296 00:10:21,541 --> 00:10:24,060 - What? - I use "apricot" too much in my normal life. 297 00:10:24,083 --> 00:10:26,255 Why do you use "apricot" so much? 298 00:10:26,267 --> 00:10:28,435 What am I supposed to call them-- "sweet tangy balls"? 299 00:10:28,469 --> 00:10:30,721 Don't call them "sweet tangy balls," Jessica. 300 00:10:30,752 --> 00:10:32,485 Well, that's why we can't use... 301 00:10:33,437 --> 00:10:36,665 Nick... Nick... 302 00:10:36,742 --> 00:10:38,423 Nick, oh! 303 00:10:39,446 --> 00:10:41,231 (Whispering): Shh! Come on... 304 00:10:41,282 --> 00:10:43,443 - Nick.. - Call me Julius Pepperwood, please. 305 00:10:43,468 --> 00:10:45,319 You look ridiculous. 306 00:10:45,425 --> 00:10:46,763 If we're hiding from people, 307 00:10:46,794 --> 00:10:48,830 - why does it matter what I call you? - I got my eyes 308 00:10:48,854 --> 00:10:50,660 - and you get my six. - No, no, what does this mean? 309 00:10:50,679 --> 00:10:52,773 - I'm pretty sure this... - This means "right turn bicycle." 310 00:10:52,796 --> 00:10:54,628 - No, I'm pretty sure this means "stop... - " It means "right turn." 311 00:10:54,648 --> 00:10:56,542 Nick, seriously-- use your words. 312 00:10:56,562 --> 00:10:59,865 - Don't use freaking SWAT sign language. - Okay, these are my words. 313 00:10:59,906 --> 00:11:00,837 (Door opens) NICK: Oh! 314 00:11:00,864 --> 00:11:02,064 Apricot, apricot, apricot. 315 00:11:02,179 --> 00:11:04,680 Close your mouth, close your eyes. 316 00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:10,658 - Edgar lives with his mother. - So? 317 00:11:10,658 --> 00:11:13,530 - Of course he does. - A lot of normal people live with their mothers. 318 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:14,882 Like my Uncle Randy. 319 00:11:14,919 --> 00:11:16,720 - He can't go near parks. - He was cleared. 320 00:11:16,746 --> 00:11:18,752 You've got to... (Vehicle approaches) 321 00:11:18,820 --> 00:11:20,172 (Shrieks) Apricot! Apricot! 322 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,098 Get over here now! 323 00:11:31,710 --> 00:11:33,277 - Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. 324 00:11:35,550 --> 00:11:37,099 What's in that duffel bag? 325 00:11:38,673 --> 00:11:40,573 He's the plumber from the story. 326 00:11:40,591 --> 00:11:42,797 - How did I not see this before? - What was I saying? 327 00:11:42,822 --> 00:11:44,610 - Oh, my God, you were right. - Yes, say that again, 328 00:11:44,630 --> 00:11:46,453 - say that again. You were right, you were right, you were right about everything. 329 00:11:46,477 --> 00:11:47,971 - Don't ever forget you're saying it! - Oh, my God, 330 00:11:47,998 --> 00:11:50,144 - I can't believe you were right. - I was a right about everything! 331 00:11:50,552 --> 00:11:52,190 What the hell is in that duffel bag? 332 00:11:52,215 --> 00:11:55,086 - I don't know. - No, Nick. 333 00:11:55,113 --> 00:11:56,831 - Nick, you're gonna get us killed. - Let's get down. 334 00:11:56,858 --> 00:11:59,309 Nick... Nick... 335 00:11:59,328 --> 00:12:01,155 Shh. 336 00:12:02,696 --> 00:12:04,097 (Ringtone): ♪ I'm so excited... 337 00:12:04,110 --> 00:12:06,278 Oh, my... Jessica, turn it off. 338 00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:09,265 - Turn it off! Oh, my God, it's Edgar. - What do I do? 339 00:12:09,288 --> 00:12:10,551 You turn it... Here. 340 00:12:11,238 --> 00:12:12,772 - Turn it off. I don't know how to do this. - Okay. 341 00:12:12,808 --> 00:12:14,175 (Ringtone stops, door opens) 342 00:12:14,208 --> 00:12:16,468 Oh, my God. Get the hell out of here. 343 00:12:23,583 --> 00:12:25,014 Jess, what are you doing? 344 00:12:25,032 --> 00:12:26,403 That is ridiculous. There was plenty of room. 345 00:12:26,418 --> 00:12:27,368 It seemed like a good idea. 346 00:12:27,394 --> 00:12:28,762 Why would you go under a van? 347 00:12:28,788 --> 00:12:30,338 Let's leave. 348 00:12:32,958 --> 00:12:35,025 WINSTON:- Keep still... - You will not believe what just happened. 349 00:12:35,051 --> 00:12:36,819 - Nick was right. - I was right. 350 00:12:36,847 --> 00:12:38,623 Oh, my God, what happened to your eyebrows? 351 00:12:38,642 --> 00:12:39,842 You look like Audrey Hepburn. 352 00:12:39,864 --> 00:12:41,421 Don't we own an industrial-size paper cutter? 353 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,173 - Ugh! (Gasps) - Oh, whatever. 354 00:12:43,203 --> 00:12:45,011 - What the hell is that? - So close to the eating area! 355 00:12:45,036 --> 00:12:47,592 Winston told me that you guys make fun of my gremlin toenails. 356 00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:50,746 That you call them "clickety- clacks" or "centaur boots." 357 00:12:50,765 --> 00:12:52,065 What is wrong with you, Winston? 358 00:12:52,096 --> 00:12:55,865 What is wrong with me? Besides my pogo. 359 00:12:56,434 --> 00:12:58,354 I told him. It just kind of popped out. 360 00:12:58,378 --> 00:12:59,897 You understand what that's like, right, Winston? 361 00:12:59,916 --> 00:13:01,000 Okay, you know what? Don't act like 362 00:13:01,018 --> 00:13:02,737 we don't talk about you two behind your backs. 363 00:13:02,791 --> 00:13:05,106 Because we do. You both have pogos, my friends. 364 00:13:05,125 --> 00:13:07,945 Okay, let's take a deep breath and ask ourselves 365 00:13:07,992 --> 00:13:12,231 if this conversation is worth ruining our friendships over. 366 00:13:12,308 --> 00:13:13,534 Tell me my pogo. 367 00:13:13,565 --> 00:13:14,991 I need to know my pogo. 368 00:13:15,015 --> 00:13:18,793 You guys need to tell me. I can take it. Lay it on me! 369 00:13:18,823 --> 00:13:21,405 You know, it's kind of a loft thing. Is it my pies? 370 00:13:21,424 --> 00:13:22,349 Are they too tart? 371 00:13:22,361 --> 00:13:23,860 Pies can't be a pogo, okay? 372 00:13:23,879 --> 00:13:25,771 My koala claws, now that's a pogo! 373 00:13:25,789 --> 00:13:27,343 At least you can hide your pogo in a shoe. 374 00:13:27,370 --> 00:13:30,775 They make shoes for your penis-- they're called pants! 375 00:13:30,836 --> 00:13:32,282 - Tell me my pogo. - Jessica, no. 376 00:13:32,318 --> 00:13:34,753 - Tell me my pogo! - You're a know-it-all! 377 00:13:34,787 --> 00:13:36,111 - Huge know-it-all. - The worst. 378 00:13:36,158 --> 00:13:38,804 Oh, I'm the worst know-it-all in the world? 379 00:13:38,838 --> 00:13:41,908 Please. Hate hyperbolic speak. Please. 380 00:13:41,932 --> 00:13:44,921 Now you know your pogo, you truly know it all. 381 00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:46,518 There I go being a smart-ass again. 382 00:13:46,543 --> 00:13:48,294 I mean, that, that could be my pogo. 383 00:13:48,337 --> 00:13:49,743 And then there was one. 384 00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:51,813 Oh, no, no, no, I'm sure that you guys have stuff 385 00:13:51,970 --> 00:13:53,721 you laugh at me behind my back. 386 00:13:53,755 --> 00:13:55,373 We don't laugh about your pogo, Nick. 387 00:13:55,392 --> 00:13:57,509 Yeah. We're worried about you. 388 00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:58,685 You're worried about me? 389 00:13:58,708 --> 00:14:00,196 We're worried that you're not gonna make it. 390 00:14:00,249 --> 00:14:02,104 - Make it to what? - Just in general. 391 00:14:02,129 --> 00:14:03,396 'Cause you don't take care of yourself. 392 00:14:03,429 --> 00:14:05,829 Sometimes I'll crumple up vitamins and I'll put them in your food. 393 00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:08,364 We all take turns sneaking money into your pants pockets 394 00:14:08,404 --> 00:14:10,706 before we put them in the dryer. 395 00:14:11,172 --> 00:14:13,085 Yeah? Well, I hope you're happy. 396 00:14:13,129 --> 00:14:14,630 The pogos are out. 397 00:14:14,695 --> 00:14:17,498 The loft dynamic is ruined. 398 00:14:18,506 --> 00:14:20,512 (High voice): But what if I talk like a baby? 399 00:14:20,551 --> 00:14:22,157 You're still hot. That's all we're gonna talk about. 400 00:14:22,182 --> 00:14:24,530 A tiny little baby! 401 00:14:24,819 --> 00:14:26,320 Cut into these, please. 402 00:14:34,930 --> 00:14:37,598 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 403 00:14:37,632 --> 00:14:39,628 Oh...! A ladder... 404 00:14:42,637 --> 00:14:44,182 That'll do. 405 00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:51,823 (Grunting) 406 00:14:55,509 --> 00:14:57,611 Okay, okay. 407 00:15:01,069 --> 00:15:02,703 Oh, this is bad. 408 00:15:03,066 --> 00:15:06,163 Oh, this is... this is very bad. 409 00:15:08,220 --> 00:15:10,601 Oh, no, oh, no-- no, no- no-no-no-no-- oh, God, oh, God. 410 00:15:10,632 --> 00:15:12,443 ♪ I'm so excited... 411 00:15:12,533 --> 00:15:13,304 Hello. 412 00:15:13,358 --> 00:15:16,049 - Jess, he wants to kill you! - What...? 413 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:17,976 - I am in his shed right now - What? 414 00:15:17,994 --> 00:15:19,815 And there are drawings on the wall of you, 415 00:15:19,848 --> 00:15:21,883 and bloody weapons 416 00:15:21,917 --> 00:15:23,751 and googly eyes. 417 00:15:24,078 --> 00:15:26,240 Googly eyes are actually kind of sexy, but that's beside... 418 00:15:26,272 --> 00:15:29,296 Jess, I will not let you be in a room alone with this guy. 419 00:15:29,379 --> 00:15:32,248 You're the deer in his story. 420 00:15:32,513 --> 00:15:33,631 He wants to kill you. 421 00:15:33,650 --> 00:15:35,953 You're the deer, you're the deer, you're the deer. 422 00:15:35,991 --> 00:15:38,709 I'm at school and I'm doing office hours... 423 00:15:38,728 --> 00:15:41,509 Get out now! Okay, I'll just, I'll just keep you on the line, 424 00:15:41,534 --> 00:15:44,329 and then I'll say the safe word, okay? 425 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:47,526 I'll just say it like... Apricots! Apricots! 426 00:15:47,563 --> 00:15:49,213 Good. Yeah, yeah, that's what you say if you see Edgar. 427 00:15:49,238 --> 00:15:50,722 Apricots! Really, apricots! 428 00:15:51,966 --> 00:15:53,636 Oh, no. Okay, okay, stop it. 429 00:15:53,669 --> 00:15:54,632 He's there. Okay. 430 00:15:54,659 --> 00:15:56,493 I thought it was gonna be "dragon slippers." 431 00:15:56,511 --> 00:15:58,212 Is this a bad time or...? 432 00:15:58,627 --> 00:16:00,955 No, no, no, no. I just have a deaf grocer. 433 00:16:01,021 --> 00:16:03,465 Apricots! Apricots! 434 00:16:03,518 --> 00:16:05,636 And butter. 435 00:16:05,670 --> 00:16:07,501 I'm coming. 436 00:16:07,538 --> 00:16:09,790 Oh! Ho-ho! 437 00:16:16,483 --> 00:16:19,006 Welcome to office hours. Um... 438 00:16:19,573 --> 00:16:22,005 - I found my ending. - Yeah? 439 00:16:22,029 --> 00:16:24,860 It's pretty risky. I'm not sure 440 00:16:24,906 --> 00:16:27,041 I'm gonna be able to get away with it. 441 00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:29,455 (Chuckles) 442 00:16:31,296 --> 00:16:33,047 (Grunts) Oh! 443 00:16:33,331 --> 00:16:34,547 Remember when you told me 444 00:16:34,559 --> 00:16:37,892 to base my characters on people from my own life? 445 00:16:38,252 --> 00:16:40,135 Well, I based one on you. 446 00:16:40,152 --> 00:16:42,098 - So flattered. - And then I realized 447 00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:45,543 that there was only one way for the story to end. 448 00:16:46,004 --> 00:16:47,988 You need to die. 449 00:16:49,956 --> 00:16:52,358 (Softly): Apricot, apricot. 450 00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:55,110 No! ♪ Hey...! 451 00:16:56,719 --> 00:16:58,752 ♪ Uh, uh-uh-uh...! 452 00:16:59,390 --> 00:17:02,059 ♪ Look at that notebook. 453 00:17:02,077 --> 00:17:04,061 (Groaning) 454 00:17:04,095 --> 00:17:07,604 You said, "Great literature is surprising." 455 00:17:08,547 --> 00:17:12,015 What's more surprising than killing your main character? 456 00:17:12,346 --> 00:17:15,377 What about this-- go with me-- what if, um, 457 00:17:15,454 --> 00:17:20,396 what if my character lives and the book just goes on? 458 00:17:20,642 --> 00:17:23,056 Imagine coming to the end of the book, 459 00:17:23,081 --> 00:17:25,787 and then just finding a lot more book. 460 00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:28,973 Surprise. 461 00:17:29,270 --> 00:17:31,722 - ♪ I'm so excited - Um, oh. 462 00:17:31,756 --> 00:17:33,694 - ♪ And I just can't hide it... - I heard that song yesterday. 463 00:17:33,725 --> 00:17:35,130 This song is everywhere these days. 464 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,827 Were you at my house? 465 00:17:37,116 --> 00:17:38,671 - Okay, thank you. Good-bye. - No. 466 00:17:38,702 --> 00:17:41,244 - No! No! - I have to go... right now. 467 00:17:41,265 --> 00:17:42,974 Apricot's leaving! Apricot's leaving! 468 00:17:42,994 --> 00:17:45,445 Oh, good. I'm so happy you're alive. 469 00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,031 Okay, stay inside and lock the door. 470 00:17:47,043 --> 00:17:50,329 I am coming. I am going to protect you... (Groans) 471 00:17:50,418 --> 00:17:51,687 Nick?! Pepperwood! Nick!? 472 00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:58,328 Burglar?! He's not a burglar. 473 00:17:58,479 --> 00:18:00,830 He's Julius Pepperwood from Chicago. 474 00:18:00,845 --> 00:18:01,889 Let's get him in the house. 475 00:18:01,908 --> 00:18:04,224 The D.A.'s gonna have my badge for this. 476 00:18:04,356 --> 00:18:06,175 No! Get off of him! 477 00:18:06,198 --> 00:18:08,500 You kill him, you kill me, too! 478 00:18:08,524 --> 00:18:10,281 Get away from my Edgar! 479 00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:13,840 (Both screaming) 480 00:18:14,165 --> 00:18:15,615 My eyes! Oh! 481 00:18:15,672 --> 00:18:18,297 My giant eyes! (Screams) 482 00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:19,636 You thought I was a murderer? 483 00:18:19,658 --> 00:18:21,442 You thought I was a murderer of people? 484 00:18:21,457 --> 00:18:23,675 You said you were gonna kill me, so I don't know. 485 00:18:23,696 --> 00:18:26,431 Your character... in my graphic novel. 486 00:18:26,448 --> 00:18:29,047 - He's an excellent artist. - Okay, but your drawings, 487 00:18:29,065 --> 00:18:30,591 they don't have any eyes. 488 00:18:30,625 --> 00:18:32,625 - Hate drawing eyes. It's weird. - He can't draw eyes. 489 00:18:32,642 --> 00:18:34,125 There's a reason for everything. 490 00:18:34,143 --> 00:18:35,238 What about the duffel bag? 491 00:18:35,269 --> 00:18:37,141 BOTH: Don't ask about the duffel bag! 492 00:18:37,183 --> 00:18:37,817 Bitch. 493 00:18:37,851 --> 00:18:39,519 - Whoa, whoa! - Whoa! Hey, man. 494 00:18:39,537 --> 00:18:41,558 Hey, take this as a compliment, pal. 495 00:18:41,602 --> 00:18:43,542 Your stories are so real. 496 00:18:43,694 --> 00:18:45,695 Well, it's because what you taught me. 497 00:18:47,699 --> 00:18:48,893 You listened? 498 00:18:48,935 --> 00:18:51,575 Well, of course I listened. You were a good teacher. 499 00:18:52,148 --> 00:18:54,623 Until you thought I was a murderer and you broke into my shed. 500 00:18:54,643 --> 00:18:57,534 Aw! You were my favorite student until 501 00:18:57,571 --> 00:18:59,340 I thought you were a murderer. 502 00:18:59,371 --> 00:19:02,340 - Ah... - Your son's a really great writer. 503 00:19:02,460 --> 00:19:06,044 - He's not my son. - Oh! Are you kidding?! 504 00:19:06,289 --> 00:19:07,662 Really?! 505 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:08,908 EDGAR: Real nice, you two. 506 00:19:08,933 --> 00:19:10,883 Come here, baby. 507 00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,561 Mm! God, you smell like waffles. 508 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,447 I love it. Did you just make some waffles? 509 00:19:16,509 --> 00:19:18,731 - Want to eat me up? - Yes, I do. 510 00:19:18,759 --> 00:19:20,660 I'll meet you inside. I'm gonna get the duffel bag. 511 00:19:20,678 --> 00:19:22,679 - Yes, do. - Okay. 512 00:19:25,716 --> 00:19:26,683 - Hey, Nick. - Hey. 513 00:19:26,717 --> 00:19:27,834 What are you doing up? 514 00:19:27,852 --> 00:19:29,432 Just taking care of myself. 515 00:19:29,657 --> 00:19:31,570 Are you putting butter on bacon? 516 00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,154 I don't want it to stick to the pan. 517 00:19:33,216 --> 00:19:36,085 Okay, did you...? 518 00:19:37,956 --> 00:19:38,881 Great. 519 00:19:39,410 --> 00:19:41,199 It's just what bacon needs, 520 00:19:41,537 --> 00:19:43,255 more fat. 521 00:19:43,595 --> 00:19:44,980 And salt. 522 00:19:45,076 --> 00:19:46,877 - What's this? - Don't read that. I'm not finished... 523 00:19:46,899 --> 00:19:50,147 "Julius Pepperwood: Zombie Detective"? 524 00:19:50,159 --> 00:19:51,960 All his murder victims are already dead, 525 00:19:51,992 --> 00:19:55,061 so they obviously don't need a detective. I'm working on it. 526 00:19:55,095 --> 00:19:57,164 - "The night was inky hot." - Don't do this. 527 00:19:57,195 --> 00:20:01,082 "She strode into his office with a sense of purpose, place, 528 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:02,993 another word here, question mark." 529 00:20:03,017 --> 00:20:04,384 I'm looking for another "P" word there. 530 00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:06,902 "She had zombie legs that went on for miles. 531 00:20:06,971 --> 00:20:09,673 "They were the kind of legs you could sink your teeth into. 532 00:20:09,710 --> 00:20:13,543 "Pepperwood had two friends-- one, if you count his hat. 533 00:20:13,594 --> 00:20:16,427 The other was his gal Friday, Jessica Night." 534 00:20:17,772 --> 00:20:19,516 It's not you, Jess. 535 00:20:19,726 --> 00:20:21,923 "She was small in stature, but not in spunk. 536 00:20:21,941 --> 00:20:25,417 And a super annoying know-it-all." 537 00:20:25,623 --> 00:20:27,217 Good evening. 538 00:20:27,242 --> 00:20:29,432 Hello. 539 00:20:30,197 --> 00:20:31,867 Oh, bacon. 540 00:20:32,582 --> 00:20:34,048 Where the hell did you come from? 541 00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:34,984 I came from my room. 542 00:20:34,985 --> 00:20:37,373 No, I didn't hear the pitter- patter of your disgusting feet. 543 00:20:37,392 --> 00:20:39,640 I cut my toenails. Yeah, the soaking really worked. 544 00:20:39,690 --> 00:20:41,443 Look at that. They're gorgeous now. 545 00:20:41,468 --> 00:20:43,370 - Went down a full shoe size. - Guys! Fire! 546 00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:44,727 - Whoa, whoa! - Oh, my God! 547 00:20:44,745 --> 00:20:46,329 Everybody relax! Call a fireman! 548 00:20:46,363 --> 00:20:48,191 - You call the fireman! - I'm the fireman. 549 00:20:49,041 --> 00:20:51,576 You can't put out a grease fire with water! 550 00:20:51,595 --> 00:20:52,756 You have to smother it! 551 00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:53,999 Why didn't you say that before?! 552 00:20:54,024 --> 00:20:55,720 I don't want to be a know-it-all! 553 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,556 - You're so stupid! - Shut up! 554 00:20:57,623 --> 00:20:59,358 - Whoo! Oh! - Nice! 555 00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:00,051 Yes! 556 00:21:00,082 --> 00:21:02,345 Amazing, my man! Whoa. Whoa. 557 00:21:02,370 --> 00:21:04,201 Honestly, I didn't know you were gonna put your arm around me. 558 00:21:04,224 --> 00:21:06,067 I'm so sorry. 559 00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:09,200 Oh, you put up your pup tent in front of the fire. 560 00:21:09,225 --> 00:21:10,538 WINSTON: It's involuntary. 561 00:21:10,568 --> 00:21:13,317 It is a combination of adrenaline 562 00:21:13,336 --> 00:21:16,083 and great circulation. 563 00:21:16,141 --> 00:21:18,058 And I'd appreciate it if you don't just hug me randomly! 564 00:21:18,077 --> 00:21:19,595 That's weird and...! 565 00:21:19,644 --> 00:21:21,657 (Schmidt laughs) 566 00:21:21,684 --> 00:21:24,646 You ever notice... when Winston runs, 567 00:21:24,715 --> 00:21:27,258 - that he kinda farts while he's running? - Yes! 568 00:21:27,282 --> 00:21:28,222 (laughs) 569 00:21:28,253 --> 00:21:29,713 - Sounds like a jalopy. - New pogo. 570 00:21:29,745 --> 00:21:32,506 Oh, we got a great new pogo! 571 00:21:32,562 --> 00:21:34,906 He farts when he runs! (Jess makes farting sounds) 572 00:21:36,093 --> 00:21:41,093 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther