1 00:00:04,485 --> 00:00:07,287 Oh, my God! 2 00:00:16,499 --> 00:00:19,015 Oh, you kissed her! You idiot! 3 00:00:19,198 --> 00:00:21,003 You... 4 00:00:30,343 --> 00:00:31,801 No, no, no. 5 00:00:31,826 --> 00:00:33,682 I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't. No, no, no. 6 00:00:33,714 --> 00:00:35,647 I wasn't doing anything, I wasn't doing anything, I... 7 00:00:35,696 --> 00:00:37,062 Do not walk away from me. 8 00:00:37,461 --> 00:00:39,107 Do not. You are not. 9 00:00:39,132 --> 00:00:40,966 You're doing it. Nick? 10 00:00:40,992 --> 00:00:42,558 - Shamone. - He did. 11 00:00:52,857 --> 00:00:53,958 Oh. 12 00:00:54,018 --> 00:00:55,953 Ugh, my God. 13 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:57,353 Oh, I just woke up. 14 00:00:57,390 --> 00:00:59,591 I've been sleeping for hours and hours. 15 00:00:59,619 --> 00:01:01,440 Nice. Me, too. 16 00:01:01,521 --> 00:01:03,259 Let's see here. 17 00:01:04,276 --> 00:01:07,109 Oh, sweet. Ten e-mails. 18 00:01:10,460 --> 00:01:12,862 Hey, Sam, um... 19 00:01:13,416 --> 00:01:14,450 I have to tell you something. 20 00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:17,575 How do you always look so beautiful in the morning? 21 00:01:17,622 --> 00:01:19,288 Sometimes I can't even look at you. 22 00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:21,046 I can't even-- I got to look away. 23 00:01:21,225 --> 00:01:22,552 I can't even look at you right now. 24 00:01:22,573 --> 00:01:24,825 Wait, but I got to. Now I got to look away. 25 00:01:24,927 --> 00:01:26,762 I just can't resist. Oh, geez. 26 00:01:28,404 --> 00:01:30,146 What were you gonna say? 27 00:01:32,001 --> 00:01:33,234 Nothing. 28 00:01:33,271 --> 00:01:34,804 It was nothing. 29 00:01:37,274 --> 00:01:39,339 - Jess? - Nick kissed me. 30 00:01:40,342 --> 00:01:43,244 Wha...?! 31 00:01:43,860 --> 00:01:45,437 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 32 00:01:45,468 --> 00:01:46,401 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 33 00:01:46,427 --> 00:01:47,494 ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 34 00:01:47,539 --> 00:01:50,807 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 35 00:01:52,435 --> 00:01:54,771 Oh, man. Okay. 36 00:01:54,809 --> 00:01:57,443 I had the best sex of my life last night. 37 00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:58,933 Winston, I'm glad you're here. We need to talk. 38 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,124 Yeah. Daisy said I was pretty good. 39 00:02:00,159 --> 00:02:02,060 You hear that? Pretty good! 40 00:02:02,096 --> 00:02:03,021 This is important. 41 00:02:03,057 --> 00:02:04,624 And I ain't even use my hands. 42 00:02:04,685 --> 00:02:05,725 You didn't use your hands? 43 00:02:05,774 --> 00:02:07,064 Well, just I did a lot of side stuff. 44 00:02:07,089 --> 00:02:08,307 Okay, Winston, you're killing me. 45 00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:09,695 I really need to talk to you, 46 00:02:09,714 --> 00:02:11,614 and now after hearing that, I can barely look at you. 47 00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:13,383 Well, I got my mojo back, baby! 48 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:15,574 I'm the Mojo Man! 49 00:02:15,611 --> 00:02:18,213 Mojo Man, Mojo Man. I like the sound of that. 50 00:02:18,236 --> 00:02:20,081 Yeah, we're not gonna be getting to my thing, are we? 51 00:02:20,119 --> 00:02:21,417 Mo-Mo-Mojo Man. 52 00:02:21,436 --> 00:02:22,561 I got to tell Sam. 53 00:02:22,615 --> 00:02:23,763 I can't tell Sam! 54 00:02:23,788 --> 00:02:25,288 I didn't even do anything wrong! 55 00:02:25,385 --> 00:02:26,485 Nick kissed me! 56 00:02:26,509 --> 00:02:28,381 I didn't even kiss him back! 57 00:02:28,664 --> 00:02:30,491 Okay, fine! I kissed him back! 58 00:02:30,519 --> 00:02:31,739 Is that what you want me to say? 59 00:02:31,757 --> 00:02:33,229 I literally haven't said a word 60 00:02:33,260 --> 00:02:34,282 for, like, over an hour. 61 00:02:34,307 --> 00:02:36,039 And now he won't even talk to me, 62 00:02:36,062 --> 00:02:37,329 'cause I saw him this morning 63 00:02:37,347 --> 00:02:39,392 and he just panic moonwalked away from me. 64 00:02:39,416 --> 00:02:40,765 - He what? - He does that sometimes. 65 00:02:41,824 --> 00:02:44,044 Man. Terrorism. 66 00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,810 And then... ha! 67 00:02:48,844 --> 00:02:50,626 Nick just... He just... 68 00:02:50,675 --> 00:02:51,675 Kisses you. 69 00:02:51,743 --> 00:02:53,143 Stupid Nick Miller. 70 00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:54,079 How was it? Was it...? 71 00:02:54,099 --> 00:02:55,592 I was like Scarlett O'Hara 72 00:02:55,613 --> 00:02:57,414 in my freaking curtain dress... 73 00:02:57,443 --> 00:02:58,458 How did he do it? 74 00:02:58,482 --> 00:03:00,319 - He just, like, grabbed me. - Uh-huh. 75 00:03:00,343 --> 00:03:02,178 - And he just took me. - Oh, yeah. 76 00:03:02,208 --> 00:03:04,116 I mean, he was a man and I was a woman. 77 00:03:04,154 --> 00:03:06,644 - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - It was firm, but tender. 78 00:03:06,681 --> 00:03:08,061 - Oh, damn. - Yeah, I mean, 79 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,944 I saw thorough space and time for a minute, 80 00:03:09,962 --> 00:03:11,300 but that's not the point. 81 00:03:11,328 --> 00:03:12,615 Oh, man! 82 00:03:12,633 --> 00:03:13,652 Are you okay? 83 00:03:13,686 --> 00:03:15,371 I miss sex! 84 00:03:15,399 --> 00:03:18,506 I've been on dates set up by my mother for the past month. 85 00:03:18,529 --> 00:03:20,246 - Mm. - I mean, what are you gonna do? 86 00:03:20,270 --> 00:03:22,004 I mean, do you... 87 00:03:22,139 --> 00:03:23,115 like Nick? 88 00:03:23,153 --> 00:03:25,021 Ah! Bah! 89 00:03:25,051 --> 00:03:25,984 Mm-hmm. 90 00:03:26,009 --> 00:03:27,709 Nah! Neh? 91 00:03:28,077 --> 00:03:29,146 Nick? 92 00:03:30,603 --> 00:03:31,636 No. 93 00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:34,633 I don't like Nick. 94 00:03:34,656 --> 00:03:35,764 - Mm-hmm. - I like Sam, 'cause 95 00:03:35,795 --> 00:03:37,673 Sam's the kind of guy who fixes things 96 00:03:37,689 --> 00:03:39,264 that you didn't even know were broken. 97 00:03:39,281 --> 00:03:40,982 And Nick is the type of guy 98 00:03:41,030 --> 00:03:44,498 who breaks things... that are... 99 00:03:44,626 --> 00:03:45,993 He breaks things! 100 00:03:46,061 --> 00:03:47,361 Look at that. It's for my grandma. 101 00:03:47,373 --> 00:03:49,513 Wow, that's... oh, no. 102 00:03:49,544 --> 00:03:51,078 - No, no, no, no, no, no. - What are you-- Nick! 103 00:03:51,099 --> 00:03:53,787 - No, let me just... Okay, here, it's fine. - Nick, Nick, what are you...? No! 104 00:03:53,816 --> 00:03:55,449 Nick, what are you...? 105 00:03:55,848 --> 00:03:58,426 I think those belong back on it. 106 00:03:58,617 --> 00:04:01,098 He is not getting in the way of me and Sam. 107 00:04:01,143 --> 00:04:02,977 He is not ruining this. 108 00:04:03,013 --> 00:04:04,150 - Mm. - So mad at him. 109 00:04:04,169 --> 00:04:05,469 I can't even be around him. 110 00:04:05,582 --> 00:04:06,978 Can I just spend the day with you? 111 00:04:07,011 --> 00:04:08,378 Oh. 112 00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:10,449 Well, um... 113 00:04:10,565 --> 00:04:13,974 Okay, I didn't tell you this before, actually, but, uh... 114 00:04:14,815 --> 00:04:15,853 Cece is going to 115 00:04:15,877 --> 00:04:17,491 an Indian marriage convention today 116 00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:19,307 to find herself a brown husband. 117 00:04:19,358 --> 00:04:20,459 Now, little does she know 118 00:04:20,484 --> 00:04:23,048 that I have signed up for the same convention. 119 00:04:23,095 --> 00:04:24,728 Gentlemen, there is nothing that says 120 00:04:24,752 --> 00:04:26,471 white men need not apply. 121 00:04:26,490 --> 00:04:28,269 You look like the fortune teller in Big. 122 00:04:28,298 --> 00:04:29,789 Wait a second, is it in the loft? 123 00:04:29,815 --> 00:04:31,096 Yes, Nick. 124 00:04:31,121 --> 00:04:34,202 The West Coast's premiere Indian singles event, 125 00:04:34,239 --> 00:04:36,728 where 300 eligible Rajput Indians get together 126 00:04:36,759 --> 00:04:38,816 to see if they should get arranged-married to each other, 127 00:04:38,853 --> 00:04:39,923 is in our loft. 128 00:04:39,961 --> 00:04:41,486 So if it's not, then I'm coming with. 129 00:04:41,504 --> 00:04:43,442 I'm in, Schmidty. You finally got company. 130 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:45,745 - I'm coming. Let's do it. - The Mojo Man is in, too. 131 00:04:45,777 --> 00:04:47,308 Mojo Man, Mojo Man. 132 00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:48,863 Okay, neither of you are coming. 133 00:04:48,893 --> 00:04:50,455 I've been studying up for a full week. 134 00:04:50,488 --> 00:04:52,119 I can actually speak conversational Hindi. 135 00:04:52,164 --> 00:04:54,392 If that conversation is: "Hello." "Hello." 136 00:04:54,413 --> 00:04:56,051 "Samosa?" "Yes, please, Samosa." 137 00:04:56,088 --> 00:04:57,428 "More towels?" "Do you know where 138 00:04:57,446 --> 00:04:58,843 the white person's toilet is?" 139 00:04:58,870 --> 00:05:00,368 After that, it gets very confusing. 140 00:05:00,379 --> 00:05:01,791 Can you drive in that dress? 141 00:05:02,065 --> 00:05:02,947 You're right, I can't. 142 00:05:02,972 --> 00:05:05,041 - All right, you're driving. Let's go. - Yeah! 143 00:05:10,708 --> 00:05:12,309 Hi, I'm-I'm checking in. 144 00:05:12,495 --> 00:05:13,879 My name's Cecilia Parikh. 145 00:05:13,903 --> 00:05:14,735 This is my best friend. 146 00:05:14,754 --> 00:05:16,468 She's just, she's just here to watch. 147 00:05:16,494 --> 00:05:17,646 All must participate. 148 00:05:17,671 --> 00:05:20,080 We've had a lot of trouble with watchers. 149 00:05:23,260 --> 00:05:24,892 You participate or you go home. 150 00:05:26,483 --> 00:05:28,882 All right, you know what? What the hell. 151 00:05:28,933 --> 00:05:30,755 You're going to have to fill out a questionnaire. 152 00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:32,581 Information, education, resume. 153 00:05:33,755 --> 00:05:34,692 Done. 154 00:05:35,023 --> 00:05:36,624 Thank you. 155 00:05:39,414 --> 00:05:41,458 What the hell are you guys doing here? 156 00:05:41,477 --> 00:05:43,630 You look like a character from The Love Guru. 157 00:05:43,642 --> 00:05:45,075 Aw, thank you. 158 00:05:45,707 --> 00:05:46,507 Hello. 159 00:05:46,515 --> 00:05:48,419 I'd like to check in with my two friends here. 160 00:05:48,444 --> 00:05:50,517 Look, we are not Indian, but you cannot turn us away, 161 00:05:50,542 --> 00:05:53,509 because I read the Website vigorously, kumari. 162 00:05:53,557 --> 00:05:54,736 - Oh, God. - That means "miss." 163 00:05:54,766 --> 00:05:55,635 My friend right there? 164 00:05:55,666 --> 00:05:57,594 Yeah, he's a vakeel. That means "lawyer." 165 00:05:57,625 --> 00:05:58,920 I dropped out of ka-heel school. 166 00:05:58,970 --> 00:06:00,337 It's vakeel, man. 167 00:06:01,931 --> 00:06:04,644 - What are you doing here? - Oh, no. I just-- uh, yeah... 168 00:06:05,393 --> 00:06:06,425 Oh! 169 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,934 Nick, you're embarrassing me. 170 00:06:10,608 --> 00:06:12,374 Nick, what are you doing? 171 00:06:14,646 --> 00:06:16,028 Nick, Nick. 172 00:06:16,362 --> 00:06:18,094 N-N-N-Nick, what are you doing? 173 00:06:18,133 --> 00:06:19,926 Stop moonwalking, man. 174 00:06:20,045 --> 00:06:22,143 Man, you have been weird all morning. 175 00:06:22,178 --> 00:06:24,045 Hey, look, I kissed Jess. 176 00:06:26,789 --> 00:06:28,145 Say what you're gonna say. 177 00:06:28,212 --> 00:06:30,680 Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! 178 00:06:31,315 --> 00:06:32,650 Whoo! 179 00:06:33,161 --> 00:06:34,529 I thought that's what you were gonna say. 180 00:06:34,553 --> 00:06:35,680 I don't want a new roommate. 181 00:06:35,711 --> 00:06:37,585 Look, don't... She's not moving out. 182 00:06:37,601 --> 00:06:39,157 I'm not talking about her. Hell no, not her! 183 00:06:39,176 --> 00:06:40,420 I'm talking about you. 184 00:06:40,439 --> 00:06:41,672 When this thing blows up in your face-- 185 00:06:41,694 --> 00:06:43,294 and it will blow up in your face, Nick-- 186 00:06:43,302 --> 00:06:44,402 you're the one moving out. 187 00:06:44,441 --> 00:06:46,160 You think I like living with you? 188 00:06:46,170 --> 00:06:48,747 You have centipedes living under your bed! 189 00:06:48,765 --> 00:06:50,792 - Those weren't centipedes. - You've named your testicles, 190 00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:52,717 - and they're both named Sharon. - Yeah, so what? 191 00:06:52,742 --> 00:06:54,773 I can't believe you kissed Jess! Man, what were you thinking? 192 00:06:54,799 --> 00:06:56,582 Look, man, I wasn't thinking anything. 193 00:06:57,996 --> 00:07:00,114 Nick, just apologize and make it right, all right? 194 00:07:02,129 --> 00:07:04,931 All right. That's what I'm gonna do. 195 00:07:07,490 --> 00:07:08,552 Oh, Sharon! 196 00:07:08,585 --> 00:07:09,630 - Get! Just... - Get...? 197 00:07:09,655 --> 00:07:10,693 Get over here now. 198 00:07:10,718 --> 00:07:12,119 Wait. What? 199 00:07:12,254 --> 00:07:14,356 You told me you had moved on. 200 00:07:14,386 --> 00:07:17,087 Only people who haven't moved on say things like that. 201 00:07:17,511 --> 00:07:19,579 I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. 202 00:07:19,596 --> 00:07:21,371 Winter's coming. I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl. 203 00:07:21,391 --> 00:07:23,020 Please leave. 204 00:07:23,038 --> 00:07:26,472 You and I not being together does not make sense to me. 205 00:07:27,125 --> 00:07:28,526 I miss your body 206 00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,035 and the things I used to do to it. 207 00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,459 - Schmidt. - I'm talking about sex. 208 00:07:31,478 --> 00:07:35,850 Today is about me finding someone within my own culture 209 00:07:35,887 --> 00:07:37,781 that I can build my life with. 210 00:07:37,801 --> 00:07:39,602 It's about more than sex. 211 00:07:39,621 --> 00:07:42,954 Our sex was about more than sex. 212 00:07:43,310 --> 00:07:45,580 It was about history and memory 213 00:07:45,616 --> 00:07:47,794 and thousands of years of colonial suffering 214 00:07:47,816 --> 00:07:50,666 all being released in one moment of pure ecstasy. 215 00:07:50,684 --> 00:07:53,442 Then why did the sex always end with you yelling, 216 00:07:53,465 --> 00:07:55,466 "Blammo, that happened"? 217 00:07:56,489 --> 00:07:57,557 Blammo. 218 00:07:58,570 --> 00:08:00,304 Thank you. 219 00:08:02,343 --> 00:08:03,077 Hey. 220 00:08:03,088 --> 00:08:04,928 Oh, you can walk normally now, I see. 221 00:08:04,946 --> 00:08:06,313 I'm sorry I kissed you. 222 00:08:07,052 --> 00:08:08,419 Well, oh, wow. 223 00:08:08,439 --> 00:08:09,664 That was unexpected. 224 00:08:10,268 --> 00:08:11,169 Thanks, Nick. 225 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,016 - You know what, it was a mistake. - I feel better. 226 00:08:13,041 --> 00:08:14,664 - 'Cause, yeah, I was feeling awkward. - Yeah, good. 227 00:08:14,673 --> 00:08:15,704 Right. 228 00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:17,553 You were acting a little bit weird, but honestly, for me, 229 00:08:17,575 --> 00:08:19,081 it was, like, a nothing kiss. 230 00:08:19,093 --> 00:08:20,947 You know, it was like kissing a cousin. 231 00:08:20,965 --> 00:08:23,234 It was so nonsexual and nothing. 232 00:08:23,381 --> 00:08:26,117 Well... I think it meant something. 233 00:08:26,252 --> 00:08:28,120 You know, to you, 'cause you kissed me. 234 00:08:28,506 --> 00:08:29,891 Mm-mm. 235 00:08:30,395 --> 00:08:32,518 I think you can admit it meant something to you, Nick. 236 00:08:32,526 --> 00:08:34,627 Oh, no, I-I'm telling you, it meant nothing to me. 237 00:08:34,645 --> 00:08:36,036 - I think it did. - No, no. 238 00:08:36,055 --> 00:08:37,880 I do things I don't mean all the time. 239 00:08:37,911 --> 00:08:39,211 Like this. You see this? Bottle of water. 240 00:08:39,791 --> 00:08:42,143 Why did I do that? I don't know. It doesn't mean anything. 241 00:08:42,168 --> 00:08:44,521 I think you can admit that it meant something to you. 242 00:08:44,547 --> 00:08:46,843 - Hey, Jessica, it didn't. - Hmm. 243 00:08:46,855 --> 00:08:49,434 It was a drinking game, and I was finishing the game. 244 00:08:49,456 --> 00:08:51,348 Yeah, but it happened after the game 245 00:08:51,416 --> 00:08:52,771 when it meant something. 246 00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:55,253 - Oh, so it meant something to you? - What? 247 00:08:55,283 --> 00:08:57,089 - It meant something to you. - No, don't... 248 00:08:57,108 --> 00:08:59,203 If you think some stupid, terrible kiss... 249 00:08:59,216 --> 00:09:01,057 - You're thinking about it right now! - No! 250 00:09:01,088 --> 00:09:03,337 - I'm calling Sam and... - Oh, you're calling Sam right now? 251 00:09:03,369 --> 00:09:05,082 He's gonna come here and pick me up, 252 00:09:05,121 --> 00:09:06,763 - and, uh, we're leaving. - Oh, you are? 253 00:09:06,793 --> 00:09:09,636 Why are you running away? Because it meant something? 254 00:09:10,192 --> 00:09:11,926 We're not going anywhere. 255 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:14,620 Meant nothing, Nick! 256 00:09:14,741 --> 00:09:16,789 Please look at the numbers on your name tags 257 00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:19,299 and go to the table with the corresponding numbers. 258 00:09:19,330 --> 00:09:20,594 These are your groupings. 259 00:09:20,625 --> 00:09:23,398 People with similar resumes and education backgrounds 260 00:09:23,429 --> 00:09:24,586 have been grouped together. 261 00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:27,041 34, 34, thir... 262 00:09:27,193 --> 00:09:28,649 Table 34! 263 00:09:29,010 --> 00:09:30,459 We're at the same table! 264 00:09:30,490 --> 00:09:32,954 - So this is rock bottom. - I mean, call me crazy, 265 00:09:32,966 --> 00:09:34,909 but I think we're all getting married tonight. 266 00:09:34,936 --> 00:09:37,004 - Yeah, um... - The money table right here, Table 34! 267 00:09:37,026 --> 00:09:38,820 Hi, excuse me, I think that there's been 268 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,927 just a little bit of a mistake with the tables. 269 00:09:40,952 --> 00:09:42,613 Over 30, no advanced degrees, 270 00:09:42,642 --> 00:09:44,862 part-time employment: Table 34. 271 00:09:44,941 --> 00:09:47,445 No, see, actually, I'm-I'm a professional model. 272 00:09:47,476 --> 00:09:48,589 I'm not famous or anything, 273 00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:50,866 but I was in Lil Wayne's last video. 274 00:09:50,921 --> 00:09:53,996 I was the girl he was throwing strawberries at in slow motion. 275 00:09:56,482 --> 00:09:58,283 Definitely Table 34. 276 00:10:01,471 --> 00:10:02,504 Excuse me? 277 00:10:02,529 --> 00:10:04,607 Uh, I didn't get assigned a table. 278 00:10:04,639 --> 00:10:06,948 Now, I know exactly what this is about... 279 00:10:06,979 --> 00:10:09,119 But I did assign you a seat. 280 00:10:09,763 --> 00:10:12,363 This one. Lap number one. 281 00:10:13,307 --> 00:10:15,409 Okay, so this is not a racial thing? 282 00:10:15,439 --> 00:10:16,806 Not yet, it isn't. 283 00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:18,559 Ah. 284 00:10:18,590 --> 00:10:20,123 I see what's happening here. 285 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:21,941 You're feeling my mojo. 286 00:10:21,978 --> 00:10:25,311 You look like a jumpy cat, and I like that. 287 00:10:26,264 --> 00:10:28,652 Ooh, I like that. 288 00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:32,070 Like oversized blueberries. 289 00:10:34,154 --> 00:10:36,189 Mojo off. Mojo off. 290 00:10:36,285 --> 00:10:38,630 Schmidt, Table Seven, Table Seven. 291 00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:41,338 - What're you doing? You're at Table Seven, too? - Hmm? I'm at Table Seven. 292 00:10:42,741 --> 00:10:44,641 - What? - Well, you should feel complimented. 293 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:46,136 I feel slightly insulted. 294 00:10:46,174 --> 00:10:47,273 - What? - No offense. 295 00:10:47,303 --> 00:10:49,238 A lot of offense taken. Well, I'm just saying... 296 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:50,914 - A lot. - Jess! 297 00:10:51,001 --> 00:10:52,051 - Hi! - Hi. 298 00:10:52,088 --> 00:10:53,610 - How are you? - Um, okay. 299 00:10:53,635 --> 00:10:56,119 Yeah, I checked in. Uh, they gave me my table. 300 00:10:56,157 --> 00:10:57,832 - Okay. - This is a weird date. 301 00:10:57,864 --> 00:10:59,655 I always thought we'd go bowling before we went 302 00:10:59,672 --> 00:11:00,852 to an Indian marriage convention. 303 00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,707 - What table are you at? - Uh, Table One, I think. 304 00:11:02,726 --> 00:11:05,935 Table One?! It's almost like you save lives or something. 305 00:11:05,944 --> 00:11:07,475 Oh, wait, you do. 306 00:11:08,266 --> 00:11:10,367 Let's start the icebreakers. 307 00:11:10,554 --> 00:11:13,281 This exercise shows how physically compatible 308 00:11:13,308 --> 00:11:14,633 two people can be. 309 00:11:27,307 --> 00:11:28,873 Ow! My hand! 310 00:11:28,918 --> 00:11:29,885 What? 311 00:11:29,914 --> 00:11:31,148 Stupid man. 312 00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:33,091 Nice. 313 00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:34,343 - Yeah. - Ready? 314 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:35,628 Three, two, ow. 315 00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:37,617 - Ow! No, no. Let's... - Up? 316 00:11:37,633 --> 00:11:39,768 - No, you go down. - All right. I go down? 317 00:11:40,259 --> 00:11:42,037 Kind of just got to get in a little closer. 318 00:11:42,062 --> 00:11:43,290 Okay, I'm trying. 319 00:11:43,617 --> 00:11:44,718 Seriously. 320 00:11:49,974 --> 00:11:50,864 Hey, dummy. 321 00:11:50,888 --> 00:11:52,840 Stop pointing your finger at me. That's so annoying. 322 00:11:52,859 --> 00:11:54,560 Why are you drinking my beer? 323 00:11:55,066 --> 00:11:57,526 - You point that finger at me one more time, I'm... - Why don't you just admit that 324 00:11:57,538 --> 00:11:59,229 that kiss meant something to you? - No, no! 325 00:11:59,254 --> 00:12:00,855 I could tell it meant something, so admit it 326 00:12:00,885 --> 00:12:02,119 or I'll do this all day. I'll do it all day. 327 00:12:02,143 --> 00:12:04,276 Next challenge: Make a table 328 00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:07,250 out of nothing but newspaper and tape. 329 00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:10,611 Women look to your left, men to the right. 330 00:12:10,727 --> 00:12:13,015 - These are your partners. - Oh, you got to be kidding me. 331 00:12:13,051 --> 00:12:15,252 First table that can hold a phone book wins. 332 00:12:15,277 --> 00:12:17,273 - All right, so we have to make a table. - Okay. 333 00:12:17,358 --> 00:12:18,746 - Give me the tape. - No. 334 00:12:21,131 --> 00:12:23,683 I'll tell you what's not made out of newspaper, 335 00:12:23,771 --> 00:12:26,206 that tight little ass of yours. 336 00:12:26,242 --> 00:12:29,455 - Jess, you liked kissing me! It's fine to say that. - No, I didn't. 337 00:12:29,486 --> 00:12:32,292 I'm not on my knee asking you to marry me; It was a nice kiss. 338 00:12:32,309 --> 00:12:34,610 You were like a dog and my mouth 339 00:12:34,635 --> 00:12:37,130 was like a bowl full of dog... milk! 340 00:12:37,152 --> 00:12:39,065 It was like a damn fairy tale, that kiss! 341 00:12:39,083 --> 00:12:40,340 It was the best kiss of your life. 342 00:12:40,366 --> 00:12:42,031 - Are you serious, Nick? - And you have to take 343 00:12:42,066 --> 00:12:44,054 a little responsibility, tarting around in that 344 00:12:44,085 --> 00:12:47,226 - little soft pink robe, not expecting to get kissed. - Tarting around? 345 00:12:47,249 --> 00:12:49,353 I'm a man, Jessica! 346 00:12:49,407 --> 00:12:51,076 - What? - Pink robes are my catnip. 347 00:12:51,095 --> 00:12:53,016 And we have a winning couple! 348 00:12:53,032 --> 00:12:54,631 We are not a couple! 349 00:12:54,924 --> 00:12:57,117 - We're not a couple. - And this is a very bad table. 350 00:12:57,139 --> 00:12:58,658 - Terrible table. - And stop clapping, everybody. 351 00:12:58,688 --> 00:13:00,555 - This is awful. - Look. It won't hold anything. 352 00:13:00,586 --> 00:13:02,687 Be prepared to laugh! 353 00:13:03,773 --> 00:13:05,107 No, I mean, this is, like... 354 00:13:05,131 --> 00:13:06,364 I got it, I got it. 355 00:13:06,417 --> 00:13:08,151 Here, put it down. Just-- okay. 356 00:13:08,193 --> 00:13:09,995 Very weak table. 357 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:12,292 Break! 358 00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:15,606 It's a strong table. 359 00:13:15,631 --> 00:13:18,027 Strong table, strong couple. 360 00:13:18,604 --> 00:13:20,606 Come on. Jump up, yeah. Jump up! Jump up! Jump up! 361 00:13:20,647 --> 00:13:21,947 - Whoa! Come on. - Wow. 362 00:13:21,984 --> 00:13:24,062 - Wow, yeah. It's real, man. - Come on. 363 00:13:24,292 --> 00:13:25,677 That's an impressive table! 364 00:13:28,093 --> 00:13:30,903 Congratulations on winning the table-building competition, baby. 365 00:13:30,928 --> 00:13:33,294 - Yeah, it didn't mean anything, so... - I didn't think it meant anything. 366 00:13:33,343 --> 00:13:35,988 - Yeah, no, just-- - Nick just drives me crazy. 367 00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:38,202 - It's like-- you know? - Yeah, I mean, I never... 368 00:13:38,228 --> 00:13:40,227 - Well, yeah, that's just... That's what I was saying. - Is there something... 369 00:13:40,251 --> 00:13:41,494 I should know here? 370 00:13:41,639 --> 00:13:42,920 No. 'Cause... 371 00:13:42,942 --> 00:13:44,019 Men, switch seats! 372 00:13:44,247 --> 00:13:45,898 No. Sam, stop. 373 00:13:45,923 --> 00:13:47,329 'Cause... No, I want to talk to you. 374 00:13:47,359 --> 00:13:49,371 - Sam, I... - Do you like field hockey? 375 00:13:49,617 --> 00:13:51,884 I... Yeah. Yeah. 376 00:13:53,866 --> 00:13:56,122 - Hi! - Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie. Pass. 377 00:13:56,283 --> 00:13:57,958 So, when did you decide to become a model? 378 00:13:58,002 --> 00:14:00,593 Oh. Didn't really think about it at all. 379 00:14:00,617 --> 00:14:03,028 Someone just said they'd pay me for being pretty, so... 380 00:14:03,073 --> 00:14:04,874 - I like your hat. - Shh. 381 00:14:05,166 --> 00:14:07,134 - It's my favorite color. - Shh... 382 00:14:09,874 --> 00:14:11,706 - I didn't say anything. - Shut up, shut up, shut up. 383 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,374 So how many children do you want? 384 00:14:13,408 --> 00:14:17,182 Well, I have to start soon, so I guess I'll just jump right in. 385 00:14:17,715 --> 00:14:19,685 So, do you think through any of your decisions 386 00:14:19,697 --> 00:14:21,249 or do you always just do whatever you want? 387 00:14:21,335 --> 00:14:23,246 Hey! M. Night Shyamalan. 388 00:14:23,277 --> 00:14:25,241 I got a twist ending for you: Shut up. 389 00:14:25,261 --> 00:14:27,382 - What do you want, Table Seven? - Schmidt, just talk to your girl. 390 00:14:27,406 --> 00:14:28,708 - Hi! - You better watch it, buddy. 391 00:14:28,727 --> 00:14:30,858 'Cause I will, I will Cal-cut-a-bitch up in here. 392 00:14:30,884 --> 00:14:33,075 - I will Cal-cut-a-bitch. - Schmidt! 393 00:14:33,116 --> 00:14:34,938 Don't worry, Ben Affleck. I'm not desperate. 394 00:14:34,966 --> 00:14:36,433 I don't date below Table Six. 395 00:14:36,446 --> 00:14:38,414 Time's up. Switch places. 396 00:14:39,349 --> 00:14:40,313 Sam... 397 00:14:41,670 --> 00:14:43,728 - That was not nice. He crossed a line. - Schmidt, 398 00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:45,029 you said you would leave me alone. 399 00:14:45,060 --> 00:14:46,851 - You said you would leave... - He crossed a line. 400 00:14:46,905 --> 00:14:48,226 You said you would leave me alone. 401 00:14:52,286 --> 00:14:54,259 Funny seeing you here. 402 00:14:56,117 --> 00:14:57,217 Hey. 403 00:14:57,408 --> 00:14:58,637 You have to go. 404 00:14:58,658 --> 00:15:00,160 Yeah, you have to go over there. 405 00:15:00,198 --> 00:15:01,466 Okay. Bye-bye. 406 00:15:01,495 --> 00:15:02,995 Go now. Hi. 407 00:15:03,519 --> 00:15:07,119 Um, Sam, I do have something to tell you. 408 00:15:08,568 --> 00:15:10,413 You know why we're at Table 34? 409 00:15:10,438 --> 00:15:13,945 'Cause we're both bad at life, but we have model good looks. 410 00:15:14,161 --> 00:15:16,822 It's 'cause we don't think things through. 411 00:15:17,061 --> 00:15:19,528 You didn't think it through when you kissed Jess. 412 00:15:19,584 --> 00:15:22,627 She told me. It's like we just make these impulsive decisions, 413 00:15:22,645 --> 00:15:25,828 and all we end up doing is hurting other people. 414 00:15:27,564 --> 00:15:29,190 I can't believe this. 415 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:30,868 No. No, Sam... 416 00:15:32,507 --> 00:15:33,882 Sam? Wait. 417 00:15:33,906 --> 00:15:35,026 Sam, wait. 418 00:15:35,551 --> 00:15:36,632 I'm really sorry. 419 00:15:36,663 --> 00:15:38,130 I said I wanted to commit to this. 420 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:39,519 I thought you understood what that meant. 421 00:15:39,544 --> 00:15:41,044 I do. I did. 422 00:15:41,062 --> 00:15:42,677 Hey, hey. Sam, listen. 423 00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:44,309 - What? - Sam, hear me out. 424 00:15:44,601 --> 00:15:46,128 I kissed her, okay? 425 00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:47,653 She didn't kiss me. 426 00:15:48,235 --> 00:15:50,123 It didn't mean anything to her. 427 00:15:50,547 --> 00:15:52,490 Thank you. 428 00:15:53,315 --> 00:15:54,529 Oh, my God! 429 00:15:54,544 --> 00:15:56,105 I'm sorry, Nick. It's the training. 430 00:15:56,136 --> 00:15:58,669 He's in such terrible shape! You could've killed him. 431 00:15:58,704 --> 00:16:00,078 I'm gonna kick your ass, man. 432 00:16:00,096 --> 00:16:01,671 Jess, it may not have meant something to you, 433 00:16:01,699 --> 00:16:03,097 but it meant something to me. 434 00:16:03,138 --> 00:16:05,582 Is there another doctor in the house?! 435 00:16:05,702 --> 00:16:07,303 With this crowd, I'm sure. 436 00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:10,073 I'm done. So... 437 00:16:11,175 --> 00:16:12,809 Good-bye, Jess. 438 00:16:12,877 --> 00:16:14,933 No. Sam. 439 00:16:17,088 --> 00:16:19,222 Ice it, 24 hours. 440 00:16:19,702 --> 00:16:21,719 And keep it elevated. 441 00:16:23,464 --> 00:16:25,314 - He even exits cool. - Oh, God. 442 00:16:28,102 --> 00:16:31,102 Anu? I got something for you. 443 00:16:31,251 --> 00:16:32,698 Now, this is Freddy. 444 00:16:32,730 --> 00:16:34,844 As you can see, he has the exact 445 00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:36,375 same build as me, all right? 446 00:16:36,398 --> 00:16:39,433 And he is totally available. Ain't that right, Freddy? 447 00:16:39,552 --> 00:16:42,495 That is what I call an arranged bang. 448 00:16:43,750 --> 00:16:48,023 Freddy, are you scared of being confined in small spaces? 449 00:16:50,437 --> 00:16:53,456 Oh, you'll do just fine. 450 00:16:54,609 --> 00:16:57,544 Now, just remember, wherever you are, 451 00:16:57,568 --> 00:16:59,635 the Mojo Man is there. 452 00:17:08,482 --> 00:17:10,208 Damn it, Schmidt. 453 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:14,988 I'm taking this. 454 00:17:15,043 --> 00:17:18,860 Excuse me. Excuse me! Hold up! 455 00:17:19,014 --> 00:17:20,128 You know, when I came here today, 456 00:17:20,147 --> 00:17:22,114 I thought India was a pretty cool country. 457 00:17:22,774 --> 00:17:24,129 You guys are obviously smart. 458 00:17:24,154 --> 00:17:25,835 You l-looked at the roof of a bus and you said, 459 00:17:25,859 --> 00:17:28,327 "That's not just a roof, that's more seating." 460 00:17:29,337 --> 00:17:32,670 Kal Penn, he's a genius. Thank you for him. 461 00:17:33,124 --> 00:17:34,631 But what I didn't know 462 00:17:34,697 --> 00:17:36,853 is that you're a country full of blind idiots. 463 00:17:36,878 --> 00:17:38,453 - Oh, God. - Because in your midst 464 00:17:38,469 --> 00:17:40,520 walks a brown angel. 465 00:17:41,136 --> 00:17:43,136 That woman. Right there. 466 00:17:44,645 --> 00:17:45,780 I may be an idiot, 467 00:17:45,811 --> 00:17:47,878 but I'm smart enough to know what I lost. 468 00:17:49,658 --> 00:17:51,554 You people could've had it all. 469 00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,781 And you shoved her over there at a table with Nick. 470 00:17:55,751 --> 00:17:58,070 Get your crap together, India. 471 00:17:58,179 --> 00:18:00,113 Schmidt... 472 00:18:00,488 --> 00:18:02,422 out! 473 00:18:05,891 --> 00:18:08,893 Hello. I didn't see you over here. 474 00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:10,830 I would love to... 475 00:18:11,948 --> 00:18:13,280 Sorry I didn't see you earlier. 476 00:18:13,308 --> 00:18:14,721 Okay. They're all-- okay. 477 00:18:14,752 --> 00:18:16,285 You don't all have to run over there at once. 478 00:18:16,305 --> 00:18:18,352 I mean, she... she's not that great, you guys. 479 00:18:18,452 --> 00:18:20,652 I mean, she's kind of old. 480 00:18:20,676 --> 00:18:22,674 You should see her areolas-- one's like a helicopter pad, 481 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:24,467 the other one's like a, you know, like... 482 00:18:24,648 --> 00:18:25,882 like a tick bite. 483 00:18:26,043 --> 00:18:27,956 It's freaky. Very disorienting. 484 00:18:27,983 --> 00:18:29,904 ♪ It feels like a perfect night ♪ 485 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,577 Is this making you feel better at all? 486 00:18:31,617 --> 00:18:35,176 ♪ At midnight, to fall in love with strangers ♪ 487 00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:37,224 ♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪ 488 00:18:37,255 --> 00:18:40,707 ♪ Yeah, we're happy, free, confused ♪ 489 00:18:40,738 --> 00:18:42,543 ♪ And lonely at the same time ♪ 490 00:18:42,565 --> 00:18:45,532 I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone! 491 00:18:45,932 --> 00:18:47,458 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 492 00:18:47,488 --> 00:18:48,214 How's that? 493 00:18:48,245 --> 00:18:51,288 You know when you get dumped and you're, like, racking your brain 494 00:18:51,307 --> 00:18:53,575 for what was it that I did wrong? 495 00:18:53,605 --> 00:18:55,494 Well, this is a really unique situation 496 00:18:55,525 --> 00:18:58,326 in that I don't have to do that. 497 00:18:58,402 --> 00:19:00,570 Well, what happened? 498 00:19:00,644 --> 00:19:03,345 I'm sorry. I know what-- I know that it's my fault. 499 00:19:03,556 --> 00:19:04,957 I didn't mean it like... 500 00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:08,042 Jess, can I say something 501 00:19:08,073 --> 00:19:10,512 - that'll potentially not help this situation? - No. 502 00:19:10,531 --> 00:19:13,098 I've never been a home-wrecker. 503 00:19:13,723 --> 00:19:15,692 And I liked it. 504 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,741 I mean, Sam was threatened by me. 505 00:19:19,902 --> 00:19:21,903 I mean, I see that as a victory. 506 00:19:24,232 --> 00:19:27,236 But in-in more important... 507 00:19:27,941 --> 00:19:32,774 uh, ways, a huge, huge, devastating loss. 508 00:19:33,001 --> 00:19:34,025 For you. 509 00:19:35,210 --> 00:19:37,351 Should I call Cece? This feels like Cece territory. 510 00:19:37,382 --> 00:19:38,731 This isn't Nick territory. 511 00:19:38,755 --> 00:19:39,793 This is, uh... 512 00:19:42,858 --> 00:19:44,692 Look, Jess... 513 00:19:46,630 --> 00:19:48,746 I'm sorry, okay, 514 00:19:48,807 --> 00:19:50,274 that I kissed you. 515 00:19:50,486 --> 00:19:51,781 But I shouldn't have done it, 516 00:19:51,823 --> 00:19:53,423 because it was obviously a mistake, 517 00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:55,561 and now you're crying and... 518 00:19:55,949 --> 00:19:57,831 I won't do it again. 519 00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,149 Well... 520 00:20:01,204 --> 00:20:05,796 maybe it was a little bit broken to begin with. 521 00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:07,840 - What happened? - He just... 522 00:20:08,138 --> 00:20:11,163 He always wanted to fist bump in the morning. 523 00:20:11,194 --> 00:20:14,141 - And you didn't like that? - I hated it. What are... what... 524 00:20:14,156 --> 00:20:16,155 - I feel like you're forgiving me. - No. 525 00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:18,542 - I felt like before I said that you were though. - Nope. Nope. 526 00:20:18,568 --> 00:20:21,641 Now you remembered you're still mad at me. No? Okay. 527 00:20:21,687 --> 00:20:23,522 - All right, good night, Nick. Night. - Okay, good night, Jess. 528 00:20:23,552 --> 00:20:24,719 Hey, Jess. 529 00:20:26,271 --> 00:20:27,132 Too soon? 530 00:20:27,217 --> 00:20:28,711 Yeah, too soon! 531 00:20:28,729 --> 00:20:31,249 Well, hey, good night. And I'm sorry about everything. 532 00:20:31,453 --> 00:20:32,553 Okay. 533 00:20:40,152 --> 00:20:41,485 Okay, yeah. 534 00:20:41,515 --> 00:20:42,916 - That was... - Yeah. That was... 535 00:20:42,958 --> 00:20:44,281 - a little bit weird. - So weird. 536 00:20:44,312 --> 00:20:45,512 Let's not ever do that again. 537 00:20:45,548 --> 00:20:47,316 - Yeah. - Do it again. Okay. 538 00:20:47,377 --> 00:20:49,178 - Good night. Night, Miller! - Good night. 539 00:20:49,858 --> 00:20:51,021 Good night, Sergeant. 540 00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:55,845 I'm glad everything's back to normal around here. 541 00:20:59,747 --> 00:21:01,131 Thank you for what you said up there. 542 00:21:01,162 --> 00:21:03,087 - You know, I got a lot of phone numbers. - Good. 543 00:21:04,285 --> 00:21:05,517 I think I'm gonna go on a lot of dates. 544 00:21:05,525 --> 00:21:07,359 - I think that's a great thing. Good. - Yeah. 545 00:21:09,458 --> 00:21:11,316 The plan hasn't changed; I am still marrying an Indian guy. 546 00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:12,334 - No, yeah, that's fine. - Okay? 547 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:14,578 But you went home with a Jew in a turban, so I'm just saying. 548 00:21:14,602 --> 00:21:16,278 Just take this off. Come on. Let's go. 549 00:21:17,774 --> 00:21:20,019 God, I have missed this. 550 00:21:22,588 --> 00:21:24,156 Turban on? Turban off? 551 00:21:24,173 --> 00:21:26,141 I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, but... 552 00:21:26,521 --> 00:21:27,873 turban on. 553 00:21:27,898 --> 00:21:29,518 - Turban on it is. - Uh-uh 554 00:21:33,267 --> 00:21:34,467 Taking that magic carpet ride. 555 00:21:34,498 --> 00:21:37,465 - Yeah? No? - Shut up! Whoo! 556 00:21:37,634 --> 00:21:41,435 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther