1
00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:17,612
I like how things aren't
weird between us.

2
00:00:17,653 --> 00:00:19,930
Right? 'Cause if somebody
walked in here and saw us,

3
00:00:19,949 --> 00:00:22,951
they'd be, like, "Look at those
two totally normal roommates.

4
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:25,150
I bet they never sucked face."
But we did. You sucked my face.

5
00:00:25,167 --> 00:00:26,086
I sucked your face.

6
00:00:26,111 --> 00:00:27,255
- You did.
- Who cares?

7
00:00:27,281 --> 00:00:29,442
- You totally sucked my face.
- Sorry that I touched your hand there.

8
00:00:29,462 --> 00:00:31,029
- It was accidental. Like, who acc...?
- Yeah. I mean, which is cool,

9
00:00:31,049 --> 00:00:32,431
'cause that's the thing. It's,
like, we're just roommates.

10
00:00:32,451 --> 00:00:34,651
- Who cares? I totally agree. Yes.
- We're just cool. You know what I mean?

11
00:00:34,679 --> 00:00:37,517
Let's reward ourselves,
'cause we're doing so well.

12
00:00:37,617 --> 00:00:39,873
Table for two,
fanciest restaurant in town.

13
00:00:39,898 --> 00:00:42,366
Yeah, and then we
could have sex.

14
00:00:44,730 --> 00:00:47,238
- Just joking, I was just jok-- I was just joking.
- Yeah, no, I know it was a joke.

15
00:00:47,371 --> 00:00:50,396
Spot. There's-There's
a parking spot.

16
00:00:52,710 --> 00:00:54,178
I just finished
rinsing out the Dumpster,

17
00:00:54,211 --> 00:00:57,290
and while I was buffing
the backside, I found this--

18
00:00:57,590 --> 00:00:58,762
4D.

19
00:00:58,816 --> 00:01:00,165
So, who gets the spot?

20
00:01:00,206 --> 00:01:01,438
- Me. - You know what?
I never get anything.

21
00:01:01,457 --> 00:01:02,569
- I would like it.
- I need a win.

22
00:01:05,889 --> 00:01:08,222
Give me the spot,
or I'll kill you all!

23
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,106
d Who's that girl? d

24
00:01:12,128 --> 00:01:14,298
d <i>Who's that girl?</i> d
d It's Jess. d

25
00:01:14,301 --> 00:01:18,001
2x17
Parking Spot

26
00:01:18,882 --> 00:01:20,442
I park under an overpass.

27
00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:21,830
Guys, guys, guys, guys.

28
00:01:21,868 --> 00:01:23,255
We all have crappy parking.

29
00:01:23,274 --> 00:01:27,007
Guys, why don't we just
all share the spot?

30
00:01:27,026 --> 00:01:29,546
We'll each get it for a
day and a half every week,

31
00:01:29,564 --> 00:01:32,055
and then we split Sunday
into six-hour shifts.

32
00:01:32,068 --> 00:01:35,155
Does it say "Share stuff"
in the Constitution of America?

33
00:01:35,184 --> 00:01:37,675
No, it does not.
Nicholas, what does it say?

34
00:01:37,712 --> 00:01:38,583
Don't share stuff.

35
00:01:38,602 --> 00:01:40,603
No one deserves that spot more than I do.

36
00:01:40,625 --> 00:01:45,289
You know? 'Cause Lord knows,
I've done my fair... share of...

37
00:01:45,453 --> 00:01:47,648
spotworthy things.

38
00:01:47,679 --> 00:01:48,820
What are you doing?

39
00:01:48,838 --> 00:01:51,342
I'm sorry. Daisy travels so
much, and I work at night, so,

40
00:01:51,354 --> 00:01:54,687
you know, our sex
window is... like...

41
00:01:55,298 --> 00:01:58,323
I've lived in this loft as long,
if not longer, than anyone.

42
00:01:58,358 --> 00:02:00,971
I have the crummiest room,
I'm on 24-hour grout watch.

43
00:02:01,671 --> 00:02:03,694
I pay the lion's share
of the utilities, do I not?

44
00:02:03,713 --> 00:02:06,097
- I refuse to pay for the wiffi.
- It's WiFi.

45
00:02:06,137 --> 00:02:08,238
I didn't even have to tell
you guys about the spot.

46
00:02:08,513 --> 00:02:10,842
Why did I tell you guys
about the spot? Oh, damn it!

47
00:02:10,873 --> 00:02:12,273
I'm the dumbest boy in school!

48
00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:15,477
- As the only woman in the loft...
- Don't play the lady card.

49
00:02:15,489 --> 00:02:17,144
- I will play the lady card.
- Race card.

50
00:02:17,162 --> 00:02:18,194
Lazy drunk card.

51
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:20,547
Deserves-the-spot card.

52
00:02:20,565 --> 00:02:23,286
Do I not, every day,
have to deal with Outside Dave?

53
00:02:23,473 --> 00:02:26,728
Dave? I have to use
my car now, Dave.

54
00:02:26,782 --> 00:02:30,894
I work so hard, I
just want some sleep!

55
00:02:32,561 --> 00:02:34,823
Dave, I'm gonna
go get some coffee.

56
00:02:35,241 --> 00:02:37,676
Um, can I get you anything?

57
00:02:37,954 --> 00:02:40,116
2% latte.

58
00:02:40,449 --> 00:02:43,194
He throws dentures at me,
he doesn't like cookies.

59
00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:45,871
Because I believe so strongly
in women's equality,

60
00:02:45,890 --> 00:02:47,449
I refuse to give you
preferential treatment.

61
00:02:47,474 --> 00:02:49,522
Well, that's really cool,
Schmidt. I really...

62
00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:50,686
Wait a minute.

63
00:02:50,705 --> 00:02:51,370
Oh.

64
00:02:51,413 --> 00:02:52,870
Sex window.

65
00:02:52,907 --> 00:02:54,848
Now, if you all will excuse me,

66
00:02:54,891 --> 00:02:58,550
I am about to go and park my car
on <i>her</i> parking spot.

67
00:02:58,573 --> 00:03:01,616
- Ew. Ew! Get out. - As if there was
anything more important than this.

68
00:03:01,647 --> 00:03:03,428
- I still want the spot, though.
- Obviously not getting the spot.

69
00:03:03,445 --> 00:03:04,725
And then there were three.

70
00:03:04,743 --> 00:03:07,386
That's right. Just
the way I want it.

71
00:03:20,496 --> 00:03:22,571
Come on! It's a good job, guys.

72
00:03:22,590 --> 00:03:25,307
Yes! How do you two care
about stuff so much?

73
00:03:25,332 --> 00:03:27,138
Well, you know what this means,
Jessica, don't you?

74
00:03:27,151 --> 00:03:29,030
Nicholas Miller
is now a swing vote.

75
00:03:29,048 --> 00:03:30,336
- What? No!
- He's right, 'cause we're

76
00:03:30,348 --> 00:03:33,449
both voting for ourselves,
so that makes you the decider.

77
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:34,760
You two are on your own.
I'm out.

78
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,062
You can't escape destiny.

79
00:03:36,074 --> 00:03:38,849
She comes for us all,
that relentless bitch.

80
00:03:39,492 --> 00:03:41,948
That's right.
Destiny's a lady.

81
00:03:41,967 --> 00:03:44,606
Destiny might be a lady,
but victory has a penis.

82
00:03:44,637 --> 00:03:47,038
Direct quote-- Scott Caan.

83
00:03:49,492 --> 00:03:51,019
Yup.

84
00:03:52,826 --> 00:03:54,056
Hey.

85
00:03:54,186 --> 00:03:56,022
I found one of your hoodies,

86
00:03:56,671 --> 00:03:58,039
and I borrowed it.

87
00:03:58,293 --> 00:04:01,626
You want to know what I'm
wearing underneath this shirt?

88
00:04:01,646 --> 00:04:04,789
- Yeah, sure.
- An invisible shirt.

89
00:04:04,814 --> 00:04:08,543
- I'm confused, Jess.
- These are so long. Oh.

90
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,431
I wouldn't put that
in your mouth.

91
00:04:11,437 --> 00:04:12,748
- Do you chew on this?
- I do.

92
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,816
Mmm. You do, huh?

93
00:04:15,226 --> 00:04:17,027
It's crunchy.

94
00:04:17,214 --> 00:04:19,402
- Oh. - You get hit in the
head or something?

95
00:04:19,429 --> 00:04:21,891
- Hmm? - Are you flirting
with me to get the spot?

96
00:04:21,910 --> 00:04:25,243
How dare you accuse me of that.

97
00:04:25,308 --> 00:04:27,402
- The parking spot is yours.
- Really?

98
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:29,759
- Yeah. - Thanks, Nick.
That's so cool of you.

99
00:04:29,777 --> 00:04:33,048
Sometimes I can be
a gentleman, believe it or not.

100
00:04:33,096 --> 00:04:34,398
- Cool.
- Cool. All right.

101
00:04:34,410 --> 00:04:36,302
- Well, thank you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

102
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,101
Get in here.
Yeah, we can...

103
00:04:38,130 --> 00:04:40,198
Let's hug this out.

104
00:04:40,210 --> 00:04:41,395
Purple nurple!

105
00:04:41,420 --> 00:04:43,087
Thank you.

106
00:04:43,098 --> 00:04:45,999
- I don't know why I did that.
I'll get ice. - Why did you do that?

107
00:04:49,051 --> 00:04:50,885
Oh, finally.
What took you so long?

108
00:04:50,909 --> 00:04:52,521
I said 2:45, not 3:08.

109
00:04:52,536 --> 00:04:53,720
I couldn't follow
your directions.

110
00:04:53,745 --> 00:04:55,456
I'm telling you, girl,
this complex is like a maze.

111
00:04:55,468 --> 00:04:58,210
Every building in this place
looks exactly the same.

112
00:04:58,274 --> 00:04:59,425
And for future reference,

113
00:04:59,462 --> 00:05:01,210
I'm more of a left-right
kind of guy, not so much

114
00:05:01,216 --> 00:05:03,380
- a north-south kind of guy.
- Put on a condom.

115
00:05:04,678 --> 00:05:06,829
Hmm... I don't, uh...

116
00:05:06,841 --> 00:05:08,100
You forgot a condom?

117
00:05:08,124 --> 00:05:09,444
- You got a grocery bag?
- No.

118
00:05:09,472 --> 00:05:10,372
- Tin foil?
- No.

119
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:11,465
- Hand sanitizer?
- No.

120
00:05:11,484 --> 00:05:12,817
You got a shower cap
and a twist tie?

121
00:05:12,841 --> 00:05:15,008
You didn't bring the one
thing we need to have sex?

122
00:05:15,026 --> 00:05:17,089
- What about a baseball cap that's
really small? - Are you serious?

123
00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:18,796
Um, I got quick reflexes.

124
00:05:20,478 --> 00:05:22,774
Mm, I'm gonna
take care of this, okay?

125
00:05:22,797 --> 00:05:25,089
Okay, well, look,
do not waste my time.

126
00:05:25,114 --> 00:05:26,839
I will be back faster
than you can say,

127
00:05:26,876 --> 00:05:29,742
"Damn, Winston, I took care
of myself already."

128
00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:31,435
Don't-don't say that, though.

129
00:05:31,510 --> 00:05:33,970
Do not... Wait for me. Wait...

130
00:05:35,740 --> 00:05:37,606
Who wants an ice-cold Heisler,

131
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,341
all dressed up in a frosty mug?

132
00:05:40,388 --> 00:05:42,888
- Sure. I like beer.
- I know you haven't officially decided

133
00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:46,240
on the spot yet, but I just
wanted to say, thanks, man.

134
00:05:47,294 --> 00:05:48,283
What for, Schmidt?

135
00:05:48,308 --> 00:05:50,328
We both know that you're gonna
give the spot to me,

136
00:05:50,346 --> 00:05:52,119
but I love that
you're keeping up the charade.

137
00:05:52,138 --> 00:05:53,951
Spot's going to Jess. Jess.
- Jess?

138
00:05:53,964 --> 00:05:56,186
- Give me the beer back.
- I'm trying to be a gentleman.

139
00:05:56,342 --> 00:05:58,156
Hey, Schmidt. Hey, Nick.

140
00:05:58,174 --> 00:05:59,797
Oh.

141
00:06:00,512 --> 00:06:02,502
- How you doing?
- Good. How are you?

142
00:06:02,508 --> 00:06:04,185
Good.

143
00:06:13,138 --> 00:06:15,107
- What the hell?
- Hmm?

144
00:06:15,202 --> 00:06:16,692
What... the <i>hell?</i>

145
00:06:16,716 --> 00:06:19,865
- I'm checking my e-mails.
- Oh. Okay.

146
00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:24,832
Think that I'm blind?
Think I can't smell it?

147
00:06:25,325 --> 00:06:27,326
You think I can't <i>hear</i> it?

148
00:06:27,776 --> 00:06:31,533
The stench of filth and lust
is all over this room.

149
00:06:32,093 --> 00:06:34,395
Smells like freaking Tijuana.

150
00:06:35,112 --> 00:06:36,407
What...

151
00:06:37,081 --> 00:06:37,888
happened here?

152
00:06:37,921 --> 00:06:39,369
- Nothing.
- Hardly anything.

153
00:06:39,390 --> 00:06:40,499
Hardly anything?!

154
00:06:40,523 --> 00:06:41,941
You know I'm not good at this, Jess.

155
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,107
Shut up. Okay, fine.

156
00:06:45,216 --> 00:06:46,904
We kissed. Eh.

157
00:06:46,922 --> 00:06:49,890
It was nothing.
So? Uh, moving on.

158
00:06:52,990 --> 00:06:54,260
Don't be weird
about this, Schmidt.

159
00:06:54,297 --> 00:06:56,157
Remember... I mean, it was
like a dare, basically.

160
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:59,153
- Yeah.
- Mazel... tov

161
00:06:59,884 --> 00:07:02,219
to the both of you.

162
00:07:03,316 --> 00:07:06,833
Well, I don't know what "Mazel tov" means,
but it doesn't sound good.

163
00:07:10,237 --> 00:07:11,603
Excuse me, excuse me,
sorry about that.

164
00:07:11,628 --> 00:07:13,216
Emergency. Emergency.
Sorry about that.

165
00:07:13,528 --> 00:07:14,995
I need a condom.

166
00:07:16,082 --> 00:07:18,262
- That'll be $8.75.
- All right.

167
00:07:19,972 --> 00:07:22,369
What the hell?
What the...?

168
00:07:22,456 --> 00:07:24,557
Damn it, took Daisy's pants.

169
00:07:24,619 --> 00:07:26,241
Look, I don't have
any money right now,

170
00:07:26,254 --> 00:07:27,855
but, you know,
I have somebody waiting for me,

171
00:07:27,877 --> 00:07:29,549
so if you could just, you know?

172
00:07:29,737 --> 00:07:31,440
- Next.
- Wait. No. No, no, no, no.

173
00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:34,128
Uh, look, what about that box
of condoms right there, man?

174
00:07:34,146 --> 00:07:35,650
They're practically open, right?

175
00:07:35,694 --> 00:07:37,796
How about you just slide one out
and throw a brother a loosie?

176
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:39,143
Next.

177
00:07:39,342 --> 00:07:40,749
Come on.

178
00:07:41,814 --> 00:07:43,049
Hey, everybody.

179
00:07:43,194 --> 00:07:44,183
What's up?

180
00:07:44,234 --> 00:07:45,873
My name is Winston Bishop,

181
00:07:46,022 --> 00:07:49,542
and I am in desperate need...
of a condom.

182
00:07:49,581 --> 00:07:51,544
- Okay, that's it.
- Now hear me out.

183
00:07:51,566 --> 00:07:53,466
- Okay? Okay.
- Come on. Sorry, folks.

184
00:07:53,781 --> 00:07:55,106
<i>Hey, Schmidt?</i>

185
00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:59,778
Hello, Schmidt?
You okay?

186
00:07:59,983 --> 00:08:01,059
- Who? Me?
- Yeah.

187
00:08:01,089 --> 00:08:02,614
Yeah, look, guys, I'm fine.

188
00:08:02,638 --> 00:08:06,003
Look, I admit, at first
I was thrown, but I'm fine.

189
00:08:06,075 --> 00:08:07,927
Are you seriously doing this?!

190
00:08:08,031 --> 00:08:09,999
I can't believe this!
This is so dumb!

191
00:08:10,024 --> 00:08:10,993
I'm sorry.

192
00:08:11,011 --> 00:08:13,635
I'm just... I'm trying to
process this whole thing.

193
00:08:13,679 --> 00:08:16,214
Nick, you're my best friend,
and you should have told me.

194
00:08:16,241 --> 00:08:18,326
And Jess, what do you think?
Mono is just some sort of joke?

195
00:08:18,357 --> 00:08:19,825
Nothing has changed.

196
00:08:19,921 --> 00:08:22,166
Like same old, same old.

197
00:08:23,622 --> 00:08:24,837
Except for the fact that, uh,

198
00:08:24,859 --> 00:08:27,881
pre-kiss Jess didn't have
a parking spot.

199
00:08:28,097 --> 00:08:30,553
Post-kiss Jess does.

200
00:08:31,221 --> 00:08:34,038
Sounds...
like... change.

201
00:08:34,063 --> 00:08:35,935
I won the spot
fair and square, Schmidt.

202
00:08:35,947 --> 00:08:37,654
Did you, though?
I wouldn't say fair and square.

203
00:08:38,816 --> 00:08:40,406
All right. Fine.

204
00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:43,059
I used my body. Is that
what you want to hear?

205
00:08:43,216 --> 00:08:46,365
I shook what the good
people of Oregon gave me,

206
00:08:46,438 --> 00:08:48,319
and I got a parking space.

207
00:08:48,406 --> 00:08:51,778
Let me tell you something,
Nicholas Miller.

208
00:08:51,841 --> 00:08:53,869
You know, had
Winston kissed me,

209
00:08:53,893 --> 00:08:55,400
you're the first person
I would have told!

210
00:08:55,411 --> 00:08:57,032
I know you would have told me
if Winston kissed you.

211
00:08:57,044 --> 00:09:00,488
But I guess your
loyalty lies elsewhere.

212
00:09:01,317 --> 00:09:03,553
I can't handle this!

213
00:09:04,283 --> 00:09:06,240
Fine. Schmidt,
congratulations.

214
00:09:06,265 --> 00:09:07,966
- The spot is yours.
- Okay. Really.

215
00:09:07,998 --> 00:09:09,063
- What?!
- It's him.

216
00:09:09,089 --> 00:09:10,591
Nick Miller, you weakling.

217
00:09:10,622 --> 00:09:13,391
I can't have people thinking
my decision wasn't above board.

218
00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:14,880
This city can't have
another scandal!

219
00:09:14,893 --> 00:09:16,132
- Wise choice.
- Thanks.

220
00:09:16,144 --> 00:09:17,975
He's been manipulating you
the whole time.

221
00:09:17,993 --> 00:09:19,458
- Look at him.
- I don't think...

222
00:09:19,483 --> 00:09:22,453
Look at his smi--
he's smiling evilly.

223
00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:23,594
You know what, Jess? Stop.

224
00:09:23,618 --> 00:09:25,692
You're manipulating me,
he's manipulating me,

225
00:09:25,704 --> 00:09:27,261
and I'm getting confused.

226
00:09:27,364 --> 00:09:30,108
I am the decider of us three!

227
00:09:30,139 --> 00:09:32,070
I decide!

228
00:09:32,319 --> 00:09:33,744
Let the decider decide!

229
00:09:33,762 --> 00:09:35,651
I am not the suggester!

230
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,383
I'm not having a good time
with this game.

231
00:09:39,257 --> 00:09:41,137
Give my regards
to Outside Dave.

232
00:09:41,174 --> 00:09:43,109
Stay away from my space...

233
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,275
or you'll have this
to deal with.

234
00:09:46,436 --> 00:09:47,748
S...

235
00:09:47,836 --> 00:09:49,788
Where are your nipples, man?

236
00:09:52,017 --> 00:09:53,888
I'll never tell.

237
00:09:57,972 --> 00:10:01,207
You're either gonna break your finger,
or you're gonna break that button.

238
00:10:01,241 --> 00:10:02,781
I'm not going back in
there. It's too weird.

239
00:10:02,818 --> 00:10:04,980
You're the one making it weird, Nick.

240
00:10:05,344 --> 00:10:06,788
You want weird?
I'll give you weird.

241
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,566
Weird, weird, weird.

242
00:10:08,935 --> 00:10:11,804
Fine. Weirder,
weirder, weirder.

243
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:16,967
Weird, weird, weird.

244
00:10:17,028 --> 00:10:19,243
Uh, weird, right, ugh.

245
00:10:19,629 --> 00:10:20,891
Weird.

246
00:10:20,935 --> 00:10:22,173
- Weird.
- Weird.

247
00:10:22,185 --> 00:10:23,616
- Weird, weirder, weird.
- Weird, weird.

248
00:10:23,660 --> 00:10:25,094
- Weird, weird.
- Weird.

249
00:10:25,116 --> 00:10:26,716
- Weird! Weird. Weird!
- What are we doing?!

250
00:10:26,729 --> 00:10:29,010
I don't know!
You started it!

251
00:10:29,686 --> 00:10:33,481
- Is this how it's gonna be? Is it?
- What are we talking about, Jess?

252
00:10:33,493 --> 00:10:36,377
You think things like this
aren't gonna come up all the time?

253
00:10:36,422 --> 00:10:38,456
We need a long-term solution.

254
00:10:39,074 --> 00:10:40,975
I'll give you
a long-term solution.

255
00:10:43,325 --> 00:10:44,963
I'm taking the spot!

256
00:10:45,014 --> 00:10:46,522
Oh, my God.

257
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:48,589
What is all the commotion?

258
00:10:48,607 --> 00:10:50,208
- He's taking the spot!
- He can't do that!

259
00:10:50,228 --> 00:10:52,109
Kill him, kill him--
you said you'd kill him!

260
00:10:52,140 --> 00:10:54,301
- Now kill him! Now's your chance!
- Oh, for heaven's sakes.

261
00:10:54,449 --> 00:10:56,437
First car in the spot gets it.

262
00:10:56,524 --> 00:10:57,167
Aah!

263
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:05,806
Aw, damn it!

264
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,418
You middled me again?!

265
00:11:07,461 --> 00:11:09,768
I'm not to be middled;
It's in my contract.

266
00:11:09,959 --> 00:11:11,247
Shoot!

267
00:11:11,398 --> 00:11:13,067
Excuse me. Aah!

268
00:11:14,576 --> 00:11:17,452
Hey, five bucks if you
help me fold this nicely.

269
00:11:17,536 --> 00:11:20,304
I'm not going above six,
so don't negotiate with me.

270
00:11:20,527 --> 00:11:22,096
Aah!

271
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:23,966
Go, go, sorry, go.

272
00:11:24,139 --> 00:11:27,144
Oh, I'm sorry, I--
okay, sorry, go.

273
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,257
Move it, you wacky bitch!

274
00:11:33,244 --> 00:11:35,131
It won't start.

275
00:11:36,393 --> 00:11:38,027
Help me push it!

276
00:11:39,753 --> 00:11:41,149
Get behind it.

277
00:11:41,471 --> 00:11:44,406
Back in the box!

278
00:11:46,148 --> 00:11:48,015
Aw, cats.

279
00:11:48,107 --> 00:11:50,235
Hey, hey, buddy.

280
00:11:54,248 --> 00:11:55,548
What?

281
00:11:56,679 --> 00:11:57,560
Mine.

282
00:11:57,579 --> 00:11:59,408
The laws of parking
require a vehicle.

283
00:11:59,431 --> 00:12:00,794
This is my vehicle.

284
00:12:00,806 --> 00:12:02,469
This is my vehicle.

285
00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:03,534
Don't.

286
00:12:03,565 --> 00:12:05,162
Don't you do it, Schmidt.

287
00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:06,287
I'm not afraid.

288
00:12:06,305 --> 00:12:07,720
Schmidt, no.

289
00:12:10,431 --> 00:12:11,869
- You just hit me.
- Damn right I did.

290
00:12:11,887 --> 00:12:14,818
- You're sitting right in the middle
of the spot. - You hit me with your car

291
00:12:14,837 --> 00:12:16,584
over a parking spot, Schmidt.

292
00:12:16,596 --> 00:12:17,793
Get out of the spot!

293
00:12:18,574 --> 00:12:20,480
- Jess.
- Move or I will hit you.

294
00:12:20,499 --> 00:12:21,373
I want that spot.

295
00:12:21,398 --> 00:12:22,486
- No.
- Have you lost your mind?

296
00:12:22,502 --> 00:12:24,021
- Not a joke, move, move.
- No.

297
00:12:24,046 --> 00:12:25,330
- What are you doing, Jess?
- Move, move.

298
00:12:25,357 --> 00:12:26,426
Jess, stop it.

299
00:12:26,457 --> 00:12:28,520
What are you doing? Stop the
car, you lunatic. She's insane.

300
00:12:28,550 --> 00:12:30,665
- No-- oh!
- O-h!

301
00:12:30,947 --> 00:12:33,549
No, no!

302
00:12:33,572 --> 00:12:35,660
- What is she doing?
- What is going on?

303
00:12:35,679 --> 00:12:37,430
Can't believe
I'm going down like this.

304
00:12:37,954 --> 00:12:39,350
You're not in the space!

305
00:12:41,571 --> 00:12:43,428
Okay, all right,
mine, mine, I'm not leaving.

306
00:12:43,446 --> 00:12:45,846
- I'm not leaving either.
- I have a purse full of hard candy

307
00:12:45,864 --> 00:12:47,332
and an empty bladder.

308
00:12:47,449 --> 00:12:48,668
I'm here all night, folks.

309
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,711
- I'm here all night.
- I'm here all night.

310
00:12:50,723 --> 00:12:52,893
- I'm here all night.
- I-- that's what I said.

311
00:12:55,244 --> 00:12:57,167
I'm really happy you
gave me another shot.

312
00:12:57,195 --> 00:12:58,746
Yeah, so am I.

313
00:12:58,842 --> 00:13:01,101
You know, you, you can't judge
someone based on their friends.

314
00:13:01,119 --> 00:13:03,376
No, and I feel like, if you
gave them another chance,

315
00:13:03,394 --> 00:13:04,454
you'd really like them.

316
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:08,224
- They are down to earth and
chill, no drama. - Yeah?

317
00:13:08,259 --> 00:13:09,852
Hey, Cece,

318
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,189
it's Winston!

319
00:13:11,242 --> 00:13:12,311
You got a rubber?!

320
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:13,907
I need a rubber.

321
00:13:15,465 --> 00:13:18,115
He said "rhubarb," that's
how he pronounces "rhubarb"

322
00:13:18,134 --> 00:13:21,554
- It's so weird.
- Nah, nah, I-I need a condom

323
00:13:21,774 --> 00:13:23,649
for my penis!

324
00:13:24,117 --> 00:13:25,673
What are you doing?

325
00:13:25,685 --> 00:13:27,178
Okay, we're not
close enough for this.

326
00:13:27,203 --> 00:13:29,200
Alright, we have spent
very little time together.

327
00:13:29,219 --> 00:13:31,655
You are the only person that
I know in this neighborhood.

328
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:33,219
Don't you dare come in my house.

329
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:34,747
Hey, man, hey.

330
00:13:34,775 --> 00:13:36,551
Hey. I'm Winston, good
to see you again.

331
00:13:36,569 --> 00:13:38,483
- Shivrang, Hi.
- You got a condom on you?

332
00:13:38,514 --> 00:13:40,858
Oh, no, no, look that's not,
We're, um...

333
00:13:40,890 --> 00:13:42,484
Her mother and my mother...

334
00:13:42,719 --> 00:13:44,794
I'm a chemical engineer.
- Winston,

335
00:13:44,813 --> 00:13:47,146
Look, Shivrang, man to man,
I know you have a condom

336
00:13:47,163 --> 00:13:50,313
in your wallet, but the question
to you is: Do you actually think

337
00:13:50,325 --> 00:13:52,427
you' gonna get lucky
with a a sexy lady like that?

338
00:13:52,488 --> 00:13:56,060
You know, I feel like I'm getting
lucky by just being here.

339
00:13:56,241 --> 00:13:59,602
Be honest with me. Ok,
fine, I've got a condom.

340
00:13:59,627 --> 00:14:01,105
- Aha!
- Winston.

341
00:14:01,137 --> 00:14:02,818
Is he going to need that
condom tonight?

342
00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:04,886
- I'm gonna punch you in the face.
- Shall I give you a minute to think about it?

343
00:14:04,905 --> 00:14:06,399
- 'Cause I can wait.
- I'm gonna wring your damn neck.

344
00:14:06,423 --> 00:14:08,123
- This is awful, like, really...
- Okay, okay. Get out.

345
00:14:08,172 --> 00:14:09,641
- This is worse than last time.
- Honestly, physically removing you now.

346
00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:10,985
- I'm going.
- Out of my house.

347
00:14:13,878 --> 00:14:16,353
It's a sour ball,
not a bank safe.

348
00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:18,537
Just open the candy.

349
00:14:18,556 --> 00:14:19,997
- Are you hungry?
- Yes, I'm starving.

350
00:14:20,009 --> 00:14:21,561
Why don't you go
upstairs to the kitchen?

351
00:14:21,580 --> 00:14:24,065
- It's full of food.
- Just give me the damn candy.

352
00:14:24,105 --> 00:14:26,350
- Go get it.
- Wait, no, no, no.

353
00:14:27,428 --> 00:14:28,079
Aah.

354
00:14:28,108 --> 00:14:29,872
Okay, I have, like,
a stabbing pain, it's--

355
00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:31,500
and it's, and it's
like right here.

356
00:14:31,512 --> 00:14:32,781
It's my pishy.

357
00:14:32,815 --> 00:14:34,540
I, I have to pish.

358
00:14:34,923 --> 00:14:36,005
I think we should take a break.

359
00:14:36,029 --> 00:14:38,299
- Leave and you're out.
- Drown in your own urine.

360
00:14:38,547 --> 00:14:39,480
I got to find a condom.

361
00:14:39,498 --> 00:14:40,931
I need a condom!

362
00:14:40,956 --> 00:14:42,412
But I still want the spot.

363
00:14:44,659 --> 00:14:46,607
Come on, come on, come on,
Nick, come on.

364
00:14:50,134 --> 00:14:51,517
Okay.

365
00:14:51,553 --> 00:14:53,650
Condom, condom, condom.

366
00:14:54,573 --> 00:14:55,868
Damn it.

367
00:14:55,898 --> 00:14:57,640
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

368
00:14:57,661 --> 00:15:01,163
Here we go... here we go.

369
00:15:01,198 --> 00:15:03,545
I mean, she's either having
crazy amounts of sex

370
00:15:03,558 --> 00:15:05,004
or she does not know how
to use these things.

371
00:15:07,872 --> 00:15:11,509
Oh, just focus, man,
bring it in.

372
00:15:11,803 --> 00:15:13,237
Absorb it.

373
00:15:16,766 --> 00:15:17,592
Yeah.

374
00:15:17,613 --> 00:15:19,177
Did you just pee
inside your body?

375
00:15:19,220 --> 00:15:19,952
Yes.

376
00:15:19,994 --> 00:15:21,363
This is your fault, Nick.

377
00:15:21,375 --> 00:15:23,941
You compromised the whole loft.
We had an agreement.

378
00:15:23,986 --> 00:15:25,808
When Jessica Day signed
that lease,

379
00:15:25,832 --> 00:15:28,752
you, me, and Coach
all took a no-nail oath.

380
00:15:28,771 --> 00:15:30,185
No-nail oath?

381
00:15:30,212 --> 00:15:33,650
- I didn't break the no-nail oath.
- Your mouth nailed her mouth.

382
00:15:33,668 --> 00:15:36,566
For the record,
no one nailed my mouth.

383
00:15:36,585 --> 00:15:37,953
That's important to me.

384
00:15:38,032 --> 00:15:40,466
Also, we didn't do
anything wrong.

385
00:15:40,501 --> 00:15:43,049
- Do you know nothing about men?
- Yeah, I know nothing about men.

386
00:15:43,073 --> 00:15:46,269
That's why I'm wearing
a short skirt and wool tights.

387
00:15:46,287 --> 00:15:49,643
A woman cannot be in close quarters
with three men and kiss one of them.

388
00:15:49,678 --> 00:15:51,191
What fuels men?

389
00:15:51,222 --> 00:15:53,204
Competition and sex.

390
00:15:53,258 --> 00:15:55,051
That's why the United Nations
was formed,

391
00:15:55,076 --> 00:15:56,954
that's why girls aren't allowed
on pirate ships,

392
00:15:56,978 --> 00:16:00,282
and that is why there is a no-nail
oath in apartment 4D,

393
00:16:00,294 --> 00:16:03,028
and deep down inside,
Nick knows that I'm right.

394
00:16:03,081 --> 00:16:03,820
Mm-hmm,

395
00:16:03,856 --> 00:16:06,306
back me up here, Nick.
- I just want a piece of candy.

396
00:16:06,325 --> 00:16:08,500
Are you serious?
You didn't give me the spot

397
00:16:08,527 --> 00:16:09,751
and now you won't back me up?

398
00:16:09,788 --> 00:16:11,673
- You coward.
- Why should he?

399
00:16:11,746 --> 00:16:14,551
Because he--
because...

400
00:16:14,569 --> 00:16:16,056
Because, what, you kissed,

401
00:16:16,097 --> 00:16:20,218
and now he owes you some sort of
emotional support and loyalty?

402
00:16:20,505 --> 00:16:23,373
Reason number two
for the no-nail oath--

403
00:16:23,697 --> 00:16:25,697
bitches be crazy.

404
00:16:25,810 --> 00:16:26,810
Isn't that right, Nick?

405
00:16:26,847 --> 00:16:29,624
I found garbage that
has chocolate on it.

406
00:16:31,273 --> 00:16:32,777
Daisy, I'm back.

407
00:16:39,889 --> 00:16:40,958
Daisy.

408
00:16:41,023 --> 00:16:42,642
Hey, Daisy,

409
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,588
I'm here!
Where you at?!

410
00:16:44,687 --> 00:16:45,789
I don't have my phone,

411
00:16:45,802 --> 00:16:47,677
and all these buildings look
alike, and I...

412
00:16:47,695 --> 00:16:48,962
Hey, Daisy!

413
00:16:49,011 --> 00:16:50,111
- You know Daisy?
- Shut up.

414
00:16:50,148 --> 00:16:51,190
No?
All right, okay, cool.

415
00:16:51,214 --> 00:16:53,619
Now, I walked around with
"yum" on my butt all day.

416
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:57,061
I deserve sex-- protected sex.

417
00:16:57,791 --> 00:17:01,361
Daisy...!

418
00:17:02,077 --> 00:17:03,849
Schmidt's right.

419
00:17:04,319 --> 00:17:06,147
I thought we could go back
to the way things were,

420
00:17:06,164 --> 00:17:07,508
but we can't.

421
00:17:07,916 --> 00:17:09,594
You nailed my mouth...

422
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:13,997
and you nailed it good
and hard and strong.

423
00:17:14,055 --> 00:17:15,474
Now things have changed.

424
00:17:15,516 --> 00:17:17,483
Okay, but they don't have
to have changed.

425
00:17:17,558 --> 00:17:20,260
It's just different,
Nick, it is.

426
00:17:20,328 --> 00:17:23,626
That kiss was the dumbest
mistake I have ever made--

427
00:17:23,682 --> 00:17:25,821
dumber than Caroline,
dumber than law school,

428
00:17:25,851 --> 00:17:27,316
dumber than when I
thought it was pronounced

429
00:17:27,353 --> 00:17:29,159
"Brock Omabrama."

430
00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:29,947
What?

431
00:17:29,972 --> 00:17:31,980
I thought his name was
pronounced "Brock Oma..."

432
00:17:32,489 --> 00:17:33,585
It's not...

433
00:17:33,603 --> 00:17:36,602
If I could go back in time
and take back the kiss, I would.

434
00:17:36,629 --> 00:17:39,263
I would take it back,
I regret it.

435
00:17:40,749 --> 00:17:42,473
Congratulations,

436
00:17:42,738 --> 00:17:46,071
you're the proud owner
of a new parking spot.

437
00:17:47,952 --> 00:17:49,753
Oh, you got to be kidding me.

438
00:17:50,664 --> 00:17:52,510
Jess, wait.

439
00:17:54,159 --> 00:17:55,541
You realize, every second

440
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,606
that you don't run after her,
you become more and more

441
00:17:57,624 --> 00:17:59,270
of a buttwad, don't you?

442
00:17:59,432 --> 00:18:00,879
Did you pee yourself?

443
00:18:01,009 --> 00:18:03,744
That I did, that I did.

444
00:18:09,554 --> 00:18:11,028
- Jess.
- Hi.

445
00:18:11,044 --> 00:18:12,411
Hey, look...

446
00:18:12,629 --> 00:18:13,929
Why you holding a
box of fish sticks?

447
00:18:13,947 --> 00:18:16,858
Because I'm going to go scare
the feral cats away

448
00:18:16,889 --> 00:18:19,056
that live in my current
parking spot, Nick.

449
00:18:19,093 --> 00:18:21,150
I'm going to throw
fish sticks at them

450
00:18:21,235 --> 00:18:24,029
while singing "Memory," and
don't you dare criticize me.

451
00:18:24,051 --> 00:18:25,291
I don't regret kissing you.

452
00:18:26,532 --> 00:18:29,900
I regret what it did, I regret
that it made things weird.

453
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:32,091
We are roommates, you know, we
got to figure this out, Jess.

454
00:18:32,115 --> 00:18:33,582
A no-nail oath?

455
00:18:33,601 --> 00:18:35,026
You thought
I was going to sleep

456
00:18:35,044 --> 00:18:36,833
with one of you,
like I just couldn't help it?

457
00:18:36,852 --> 00:18:39,973
It was me, Jess, I
couldn't help it.

458
00:18:44,211 --> 00:18:46,628
- You dropped your fish sticks.
- Shut up, Nick.

459
00:18:49,514 --> 00:18:51,908
Ay, ay, ay.

460
00:18:51,982 --> 00:18:53,961
Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

461
00:18:53,996 --> 00:18:56,034
- We're having a conversation.
- Will you please get out of here?

462
00:18:56,065 --> 00:18:57,472
Yeah, well, that's the problem,
isn't it?

463
00:18:57,557 --> 00:18:58,788
Because I live here, too,

464
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,180
and I'm gonna be here
when all of this goes to crap.

465
00:19:01,195 --> 00:19:02,692
Next time you guys have
your dirty little thoughts

466
00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:04,879
about each other, you better be
thinking about me, too,

467
00:19:04,929 --> 00:19:07,007
because I ain't going nowhere.

468
00:19:07,038 --> 00:19:10,431
You are literally sitting
in a puddle of your own pee.

469
00:19:10,455 --> 00:19:14,648
The apartment 4D no-nail oath
right here:

470
00:19:14,788 --> 00:19:16,638
"We, the undersigned,

471
00:19:16,669 --> 00:19:19,477
"Agree never to nail
our roommate Jessica Day

472
00:19:19,516 --> 00:19:21,697
"unless the sex can be
parlayed into a business

473
00:19:21,719 --> 00:19:23,216
that provides
for all parties involved."

474
00:19:23,257 --> 00:19:24,789
- What?
- I didn't read the fine print.

475
00:19:24,813 --> 00:19:29,582
"If one of the undersigned
nails said female,

476
00:19:29,707 --> 00:19:30,985
well, then all must nail her."

477
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,297
- What?! - I didn't know
there was fine print.

478
00:19:32,321 --> 00:19:34,177
- What, what?!
- I didn't know there was fine...

479
00:19:34,212 --> 00:19:36,779
Let me be very clear
here-- I am a strong,

480
00:19:36,803 --> 00:19:38,371
self-sufficient woman,

481
00:19:38,403 --> 00:19:40,632
and I will not be
nailing you, Schmidt,

482
00:19:40,661 --> 00:19:42,486
or Nick or Schmidt.

483
00:19:42,527 --> 00:19:44,028
Notice I said that twice

484
00:19:44,046 --> 00:19:46,082
because I don't feel
it's sinking in.

485
00:19:46,223 --> 00:19:47,942
There will be no nails

486
00:19:47,984 --> 00:19:50,445
or screws or hammers

487
00:19:50,475 --> 00:19:55,008
in this building area
generally, the whole thing.

488
00:19:55,090 --> 00:19:56,595
What, do you think
that I want to do this?

489
00:19:56,620 --> 00:19:58,064
Believe me, pass.

490
00:19:58,105 --> 00:20:02,523
I just don't want my home turning
into a denof sexual tension and lies.

491
00:20:02,568 --> 00:20:04,786
Now, do you want things
to go back to normal or not?

492
00:20:04,817 --> 00:20:06,110
- Yes.
- Yes, I do, but I...

493
00:20:06,147 --> 00:20:07,844
Then, I just have to kiss you.

494
00:20:07,857 --> 00:20:09,845
This is just one of those
things-- let's just do it...

495
00:20:09,851 --> 00:20:10,893
No, I-I...

496
00:20:10,917 --> 00:20:12,315
...get past it, we move on.

497
00:20:12,334 --> 00:20:13,584
I think that's a bad idea.

498
00:20:13,602 --> 00:20:15,965
- Nick, you're into this, right?
- I don't know, might help.

499
00:20:16,248 --> 00:20:18,189
- Are you serious?
- I don't know.

500
00:20:18,208 --> 00:20:20,664
Okay, fine, just get over here
and do it and do it fast.

501
00:20:20,689 --> 00:20:22,511
- I'll be a hero.
- Bring it on.

502
00:20:22,906 --> 00:20:24,642
Mmm...

503
00:20:25,666 --> 00:20:26,498
Aah.

504
00:20:26,529 --> 00:20:28,286
- Ooh.
- No.

505
00:20:28,379 --> 00:20:30,021
- No.
- Mistake.

506
00:20:30,034 --> 00:20:32,318
- It was really a mistake.
- A big mi-- I made it weirder.

507
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:35,526
Is everyone in the world
having sex but me?!

508
00:20:35,607 --> 00:20:37,423
Old people, foreigners,

509
00:20:37,451 --> 00:20:38,418
nerds.

510
00:20:38,504 --> 00:20:39,817
Everyone's banging.

511
00:20:39,860 --> 00:20:41,297
Schmidt and Jess?!

512
00:20:41,326 --> 00:20:42,701
Everyone is out there

513
00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:44,787
getting and giving
except for old Winnie.

514
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:45,776
Look at me--

515
00:20:45,876 --> 00:20:49,284
a man who has
absolutely nothing.

516
00:20:49,295 --> 00:20:51,227
I left my phone, my wallet,

517
00:20:51,302 --> 00:20:53,971
and my dignity
at Daisy's house.

518
00:20:54,030 --> 00:20:56,180
I even left my pants
there-- look at this.

519
00:20:56,205 --> 00:20:57,639
- Yum.
- Yum.

520
00:20:58,418 --> 00:21:01,751
I need a win, damn
it, I need a win.

521
00:21:06,458 --> 00:21:08,258
You need a win, pal.

522
00:21:10,509 --> 00:21:11,829
Yeah.

523
00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:13,797
It's a little tight in here.

524
00:21:13,832 --> 00:21:15,526
Are you sure this
isn't too tight?

525
00:21:19,901 --> 00:21:21,872
Okay, um...

526
00:21:22,715 --> 00:21:25,070
Uh-uh, this ain't gonna work.

527
00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:26,443
This ain't gonna work for me.

528
00:21:26,472 --> 00:21:27,372
Uh,

529
00:21:27,503 --> 00:21:29,056
I'm stuck.

530
00:21:29,081 --> 00:21:31,477
Guys, hey, guys.

531
00:21:31,521 --> 00:21:32,611
Hey, where y'all...?

532
00:21:32,635 --> 00:21:34,303
Guys... guys...

533
00:21:34,934 --> 00:21:36,223
guys...

534
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:38,014
Guys!

535
00:21:38,342 --> 00:21:40,476
Hello?

536
00:21:40,639 --> 00:21:45,639
sync by Norther