1 00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:07,580 Ah... Three more, Cocktail Johnny. 2 00:00:07,598 --> 00:00:10,180 Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor. 3 00:00:10,205 --> 00:00:13,441 It's 4 proof, okay? That is safe to drink while you're pregnant. 4 00:00:13,466 --> 00:00:15,009 - Melon balls. - WINSTON: Schmidt, no matter 5 00:00:15,028 --> 00:00:16,379 how much you get drunk, 6 00:00:16,502 --> 00:00:18,295 - Cece's still gonna be engaged. - SCHMIDT: Cece? 7 00:00:18,313 --> 00:00:20,568 - Now, I know you're down about it. - I'm not down about Cece. 8 00:00:20,581 --> 00:00:24,645 - This is, this is a mess. - Listen, there are plenty of things to be down about: 9 00:00:24,664 --> 00:00:26,766 The air pollution in China, the deficit, 10 00:00:26,791 --> 00:00:28,715 The Hobbit wasn't very good. If I want to see 11 00:00:28,733 --> 00:00:30,994 dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would've gone 12 00:00:31,013 --> 00:00:33,141 to Koreatown. Booyah! Ball me. 13 00:00:33,161 --> 00:00:34,962 - Ball you? - Ball me! 14 00:00:35,153 --> 00:00:36,394 What are you... (Groans) 15 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:38,291 How do you get these toppy things off, Nick? 16 00:00:38,310 --> 00:00:40,011 Oh, Schmidt... You look like a lab rat. 17 00:00:40,022 --> 00:00:41,055 NICK: Okay, you know what? 18 00:00:41,073 --> 00:00:42,322 I'm adding that to your bill. 19 00:00:42,346 --> 00:00:43,547 (Chuckles) 20 00:00:43,565 --> 00:00:45,236 What the hell is this? 21 00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:47,714 What?! You're giving us a check? 22 00:00:47,744 --> 00:00:50,015 - No more free drinks. - I didn't even know you had these here. 23 00:00:50,044 --> 00:00:52,478 - Take all of my money and then get out of my room. - NICK: You guys, come on. 24 00:00:52,496 --> 00:00:54,228 Show a little respect. This is my job. 25 00:00:54,258 --> 00:00:56,174 - Nick, I saw you pee in the register. - Yeah, once. 26 00:00:56,199 --> 00:00:57,780 - You think I was sober for that? - You once put 27 00:00:57,798 --> 00:00:59,867 a sign out that said "Take a Drink, Leave a Drink." 28 00:00:59,885 --> 00:01:03,767 Okay, it's the only job I have, and I'm trying to be... good. 29 00:01:04,096 --> 00:01:07,013 Okay? It's about time I got a little responsibility. 30 00:01:07,037 --> 00:01:07,581 (Grunts) 31 00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,869 - Responsibility? - I thought of a new promotion-- 32 00:01:10,056 --> 00:01:13,225 it's like Ladies' Night but it's the opposite: It's Guys' Night. 33 00:01:13,269 --> 00:01:15,983 The new manager loved the idea, and if it goes well-- 34 00:01:16,002 --> 00:01:17,192 (Fading): Maybe there's a promotion; 35 00:01:17,220 --> 00:01:18,788 I can start moving up in the world. 36 00:01:18,868 --> 00:01:21,413 ♪ ♪ 37 00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:23,720 What? 38 00:01:23,863 --> 00:01:25,087 I want him. 39 00:01:25,661 --> 00:01:26,692 I want him... 40 00:01:27,210 --> 00:01:28,098 bad. 41 00:01:28,497 --> 00:01:29,958 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 42 00:01:29,976 --> 00:01:31,864 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 43 00:01:31,890 --> 00:01:35,550 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 44 00:01:35,603 --> 00:01:36,673 (Whistles) 45 00:01:36,948 --> 00:01:37,961 JESS: What is this? 46 00:01:37,979 --> 00:01:42,710 I think Nick being ambitious and driven about the bar is making me... 47 00:01:42,761 --> 00:01:45,096 want him more. Is that, like, a thing? 48 00:01:45,108 --> 00:01:48,710 No. No woman's ever been attracted to power and success. 49 00:01:48,735 --> 00:01:49,854 It's just like... 50 00:01:49,897 --> 00:01:52,265 I thought it was one kiss and then it was over. 51 00:01:52,294 --> 00:01:53,191 (Groans) 52 00:01:53,216 --> 00:01:54,925 Hey, sorry, I'm just putting a load on. 53 00:01:54,955 --> 00:01:56,050 Got a shift at the bar. 54 00:01:56,069 --> 00:01:58,694 You know that there's a separate compartment to put the soap in? 55 00:01:58,744 --> 00:01:59,878 (Chuckles) 56 00:01:59,939 --> 00:02:01,573 (Chuckles) 57 00:02:03,802 --> 00:02:04,952 I didn't know that. 58 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,324 Little soap house. 59 00:02:06,497 --> 00:02:08,480 Anyway, I'm getting this mess cleaned up. 60 00:02:08,485 --> 00:02:10,652 I gotta say, it feels really good. 61 00:02:10,687 --> 00:02:12,987 Do any of you guys know where the iron is? 62 00:02:13,661 --> 00:02:15,624 - Get out! - What? I want to iron my button-down. 63 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,867 - Get out, Nick! - What is happening right now? 64 00:02:17,885 --> 00:02:19,862 - Get out! Get out! - Why are you being so mean to me? 65 00:02:19,874 --> 00:02:22,027 What is going on with you? 66 00:02:26,055 --> 00:02:28,255 There's a new manager; That's why I'm making you guys pay. 67 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:30,358 And you actually care about what he thinks? 68 00:02:30,964 --> 00:02:32,398 - Hey, Shane. - Hey. 69 00:02:32,415 --> 00:02:34,100 Hey, guys. This is Shane. This is my new manager. 70 00:02:34,113 --> 00:02:36,253 - Oh, got it. - I'm really excited to have her here. 71 00:02:36,278 --> 00:02:38,859 We're really getting this place in order. We're, uh... 72 00:02:39,039 --> 00:02:40,572 (Chuckles) 73 00:02:40,678 --> 00:02:42,144 Makes a lot more sense now. 74 00:02:43,074 --> 00:02:45,436 God, I can't stop thinking about the other night. 75 00:02:45,467 --> 00:02:47,692 Hope you gave that bar an extra wipe-down. 76 00:02:47,711 --> 00:02:49,645 - NICK: Yeah. - SHANE: You're just like the opposite 77 00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:51,214 of everyone I went to business school with. 78 00:02:51,233 --> 00:02:54,064 - I mean, look at you. You're just... You're so real. - Yeah. 79 00:02:54,089 --> 00:02:55,627 - Oh, yeah. - He's incredibly real. 80 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:57,091 - As real as they get. - Yeah, the realest. 81 00:02:57,109 --> 00:02:58,844 - Shut up, both of you. - You're a mess. 82 00:02:58,863 --> 00:03:01,397 - Yeah. - I got dirt on my face after we made out. 83 00:03:01,416 --> 00:03:03,660 God, I loved it. Get back to work. 84 00:03:03,678 --> 00:03:05,711 - You got it. - Get back to work! 85 00:03:05,891 --> 00:03:08,376 - I'm joking. No, but seriously, - Yeah. Joke. Seriously, 86 00:03:08,401 --> 00:03:10,471 - get back to work. Yeah. - Get back to work. Yeah. 87 00:03:10,989 --> 00:03:12,839 I know this isn't gonna end well, 88 00:03:12,851 --> 00:03:14,991 but the whole middle part's gonna be awesome. 89 00:03:15,022 --> 00:03:17,137 - Good for you. - What? 90 00:03:17,410 --> 00:03:19,678 Schmidt, stop drinking that. 91 00:03:20,466 --> 00:03:22,000 I'm gonna take care of this. 92 00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:23,969 WINSTON: If I feel down, I come here. 93 00:03:24,011 --> 00:03:26,976 I love this place, man. You know, the sound of bubbles, 94 00:03:26,995 --> 00:03:28,585 soothing synth music. 95 00:03:28,610 --> 00:03:31,669 If this place doesn't take your mind off of Cece, then I don't know, man. 96 00:03:31,731 --> 00:03:33,557 Look at that. 97 00:03:36,706 --> 00:03:37,981 So beautiful. 98 00:03:38,263 --> 00:03:39,656 And exotic. 99 00:03:39,912 --> 00:03:41,264 Perfect curves. 100 00:03:41,669 --> 00:03:43,491 Giant almond eyes. 101 00:03:43,503 --> 00:03:45,625 Caramel-colored stripes. 102 00:03:45,955 --> 00:03:47,382 Sumptuous lips. 103 00:03:48,681 --> 00:03:50,728 Are you talking about the fish? 104 00:03:51,653 --> 00:03:53,561 Excuse me. You, sir, that works here. 105 00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:55,715 What is this fish-- the one that floats like an angel? 106 00:03:55,733 --> 00:03:56,638 How much for this one? 107 00:03:56,656 --> 00:04:00,169 Ah, that is the lovely but elusive California lionfish. 108 00:04:00,181 --> 00:04:01,339 It's perfect. I must have it. 109 00:04:01,364 --> 00:04:02,116 (Chuckles) 110 00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:03,308 S-Sadly, sir, you can't. 111 00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,416 - What do you mean I can't? - It's... illegal, sir. 112 00:04:05,441 --> 00:04:08,008 This fish is protected by the great state of California. 113 00:04:08,030 --> 00:04:09,463 Gimme it! 114 00:04:09,613 --> 00:04:10,621 No...? 115 00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:15,866 What are you doing? Why can't I have the things that I want? 116 00:04:15,883 --> 00:04:17,397 - WINSTON: Sorry about that. - SCHMIDT: Don't look at the fish, kids. 117 00:04:17,421 --> 00:04:19,863 You can't have any of them! None of them are for sale! 118 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,535 Love is a lie. It is. 119 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,961 - WINSTON: Calm down! - SCHMIDT: Love is a lie. Love is a lie. 120 00:04:23,990 --> 00:04:25,538 WINSTON: We're leaving. We're leaving. 121 00:04:26,581 --> 00:04:28,115 (Sighs) 122 00:04:28,619 --> 00:04:31,174 Oh, you've got to be kidding me. 123 00:04:31,219 --> 00:04:33,616 Schmidt, no. Absolutely not. 124 00:04:33,622 --> 00:04:35,659 No! I don't trust fish. 125 00:04:35,694 --> 00:04:37,304 They breathe water-- that's crazy. 126 00:04:37,317 --> 00:04:38,767 WINSTON: Yeah, he's got a whole thing going. 127 00:04:38,785 --> 00:04:40,550 Schmidt-- an aquarium?! 128 00:04:40,637 --> 00:04:42,089 When did you become a Bond villain 129 00:04:42,108 --> 00:04:43,793 that couldn't afford not to live with roommates? 130 00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:45,102 This is where I will keep my lionfish. 131 00:04:45,121 --> 00:04:47,055 - Your lionfish? - A rare beauty. 132 00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:48,664 The result of generations 133 00:04:48,727 --> 00:04:50,061 of interracial fish breeding. 134 00:04:50,086 --> 00:04:52,637 Just undulating in that water with that wry smile. 135 00:04:52,799 --> 00:04:54,089 Perfect, round fish breasts. 136 00:04:54,111 --> 00:04:55,947 - Pull it together. - What is this hat? 137 00:04:55,972 --> 00:04:57,478 They say it'll be impossible for me to have it. 138 00:04:57,519 --> 00:04:59,247 But I'll get it. She will be mine, and... 139 00:04:59,316 --> 00:05:00,583 we will create a life together. 140 00:05:02,614 --> 00:05:04,403 - We're not talking about fish here, are we? - No. 141 00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:05,962 - Clearly talking about Cece. - Yes. 142 00:05:05,980 --> 00:05:07,109 Yeah, 'cause he said "fish breasts." 143 00:05:07,115 --> 00:05:09,091 - He said "fish breasts." - Yeah. 144 00:05:09,254 --> 00:05:11,142 I mean, fish don't have boobs. 145 00:05:12,269 --> 00:05:13,223 Hmm? 146 00:05:13,285 --> 00:05:15,783 - Hey, Jess. - That's my name. What's yours? 147 00:05:15,808 --> 00:05:17,788 Just kidding. I know what it is. It's Nick. 148 00:05:18,890 --> 00:05:20,292 You okay? 149 00:05:20,778 --> 00:05:22,227 - Yeah. - You haven't stopped moving 150 00:05:22,246 --> 00:05:24,163 - since we've been talking. - Hmm? 151 00:05:24,185 --> 00:05:25,920 It's a nice-looking dress. You look good in it. 152 00:05:26,176 --> 00:05:28,593 (Laughing): Oh, God. Okay. 153 00:05:33,053 --> 00:05:36,203 NICK: Jess! Jess, wait! 154 00:05:36,392 --> 00:05:39,993 Jess... Jess, would you please wait? 155 00:05:40,522 --> 00:05:42,686 Hey, I was wondering, can I get a ride to the hardware store? 156 00:05:42,732 --> 00:05:46,018 I want to throw a punching bag up at the bar for Guys' Night, 157 00:05:46,029 --> 00:05:47,730 but my car's not working, so can I get a ride? 158 00:05:47,761 --> 00:05:51,539 - No. Mm-mm. No. - Come on, can I please have a ride? 159 00:05:51,930 --> 00:05:54,382 Wait, hold on. Don't move. Hold on. 160 00:05:54,612 --> 00:05:55,488 (Chuckles) 161 00:05:55,507 --> 00:05:57,465 - You got an eyelash. - Why do you smell so good? 162 00:05:57,486 --> 00:05:58,635 It's 'cause I did laundry. 163 00:05:58,654 --> 00:06:00,586 Ah. I smell like a baby in a damn meadow. 164 00:06:00,679 --> 00:06:04,015 - Look at this. My underwear. - What? What? 165 00:06:04,046 --> 00:06:06,971 - They're blue now. I think it's 'cause I put colors in the whites. - Uh-huh. 166 00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:09,459 I'm still figuring it out, but I'm really excited about laundry. 167 00:06:09,478 --> 00:06:11,800 - Good job. - Hey, how do you put your underwear back in? 168 00:06:11,878 --> 00:06:14,187 Just... I feel like it's too big to get back in now. 169 00:06:14,948 --> 00:06:16,111 It's tricky to get it in. 170 00:06:16,136 --> 00:06:17,174 (Sighs) 171 00:06:17,685 --> 00:06:19,114 - Fine! - Thank you. 172 00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:20,843 Do you mind if we stop along the way? I'm thinking of getting 173 00:06:20,855 --> 00:06:24,313 a salad 'cause I want to eat healthier. - Oh! God! Nick! 174 00:06:24,338 --> 00:06:28,001 - I'm thinking of taking a vitamin today. - Oh, God! Shut up! 175 00:06:33,375 --> 00:06:36,810 (Grunting) 176 00:06:39,809 --> 00:06:41,342 It's good. 177 00:06:41,379 --> 00:06:43,480 (Drill whirrs) 178 00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:46,690 (Grunting) 179 00:06:47,015 --> 00:06:48,569 WOMAN: Yeah. 180 00:06:48,653 --> 00:06:51,085 Yank that chain. 181 00:06:51,727 --> 00:06:53,469 Yank it. 182 00:07:00,182 --> 00:07:01,080 (Exhales) 183 00:07:01,097 --> 00:07:03,967 I feel like Russell Crowe in every movie he's ever done. 184 00:07:03,986 --> 00:07:07,040 - All right, Nick. Um, we have to go. - We just got here. 185 00:07:07,058 --> 00:07:09,495 - We have tons of stuff we need to get. - Fine. 186 00:07:09,519 --> 00:07:12,310 - Let me see what we have left. - A whole bunch of stuff. 187 00:07:12,382 --> 00:07:15,363 Long-shafted... drive drill? 188 00:07:16,073 --> 00:07:17,723 New nut wrench? 189 00:07:17,754 --> 00:07:18,882 Our old nut wrench is bad. 190 00:07:18,901 --> 00:07:20,859 Quick-hardening... caulk. 191 00:07:20,871 --> 00:07:22,736 You don't want to wait forever for that caulk to harden. 192 00:07:22,754 --> 00:07:25,020 Lube for... drill shaft. 193 00:07:25,076 --> 00:07:28,059 - And we-- also, can we get a box of gummy sharks? - (Groans) 194 00:07:29,969 --> 00:07:31,580 (Sighs) 195 00:07:32,121 --> 00:07:35,467 Just remember... you caught him pleasuring himself 196 00:07:35,479 --> 00:07:37,914 to a mail-order steak catalogue. 197 00:07:37,970 --> 00:07:39,203 (Sighs) 198 00:07:39,358 --> 00:07:41,053 NICK: Hey, Jess, I need the cart! 199 00:07:41,059 --> 00:07:42,344 (Groans) 200 00:07:43,559 --> 00:07:44,565 Look what I found! 201 00:07:44,591 --> 00:07:46,536 Look at this big ol' pipe. 202 00:07:47,018 --> 00:07:48,708 (Shouts) (Grunts) 203 00:07:53,917 --> 00:07:56,341 Check it out, Schmidt-- I got you a clownfish. 204 00:07:56,372 --> 00:07:59,940 I don't want some janky freshwater bitch fish, Winston. 205 00:08:00,344 --> 00:08:02,573 - I want a lionfish. - Let's just cut through the crap, 206 00:08:02,584 --> 00:08:05,698 okay, Schmidt? We both know what you really want is Cece. 207 00:08:05,727 --> 00:08:07,368 - Cece the woman? - Yeah. 208 00:08:07,380 --> 00:08:09,684 You can't put a woman in a fish tank, Winston. 209 00:08:09,731 --> 00:08:11,093 That doesn't make any sense. 210 00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:14,814 Look, Winston, if there was one thing that stood between you and happiness, 211 00:08:14,826 --> 00:08:16,749 don't you think I would be there to help you get it? 212 00:08:16,780 --> 00:08:19,510 - No matter how stupid it was? - You're right, Schmidt. 213 00:08:19,617 --> 00:08:22,087 If I was doing something stupid, you definitely would be involved. 214 00:08:22,105 --> 00:08:23,989 Yeah, you're damn right I would be. 215 00:08:24,074 --> 00:08:26,442 And I would probably be there to make it even stupider. 216 00:08:26,847 --> 00:08:29,996 Now, I'm going to walk out that door, 217 00:08:30,107 --> 00:08:33,142 and I'm gonna pursue the object of my dreams. 218 00:08:33,170 --> 00:08:36,553 And if you don't want to join me, then I'm gonna carry that weight alone. 219 00:08:37,774 --> 00:08:38,904 I'm in. 220 00:08:38,966 --> 00:08:40,717 Let's get you a lionfish. Where do we start? 221 00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:42,717 - We're gonna start at the source. - The ocean. 222 00:08:43,562 --> 00:08:45,530 That's an even better idea. 223 00:08:47,963 --> 00:08:49,997 (Door opens) 224 00:08:50,327 --> 00:08:51,982 NICK: Hey, Jess. 225 00:08:52,113 --> 00:08:53,528 I got some hot soup. 226 00:08:53,553 --> 00:08:56,311 I feel good... (Chuckles) 227 00:08:56,446 --> 00:08:58,656 Jessy feel good... 228 00:08:59,812 --> 00:09:00,890 Mmm. 229 00:09:00,921 --> 00:09:03,328 I like to say words with my mouth. 230 00:09:03,369 --> 00:09:05,081 Well, your jaw is super bruised, 231 00:09:05,098 --> 00:09:08,195 so you need to get some rest. But you have some fun pain meds. 232 00:09:08,937 --> 00:09:09,836 Right? 233 00:09:10,073 --> 00:09:12,451 - I like you. - Yeah, I like you, too, Jess. 234 00:09:12,476 --> 00:09:16,686 - Yeah... and I like, your little bubble belly. - Oh, thank you. 235 00:09:16,752 --> 00:09:19,411 Blows up like a... bubble. 236 00:09:19,436 --> 00:09:20,974 Yeah, that's what it does. 237 00:09:21,204 --> 00:09:24,584 I want to have sex with you! 238 00:09:24,608 --> 00:09:25,653 Okay. 239 00:09:25,688 --> 00:09:28,106 I want to have sex with you. 240 00:09:28,112 --> 00:09:30,298 Whoa, do you know what you're saying right now, Jess? 241 00:09:30,325 --> 00:09:32,160 Yeah. 242 00:09:32,196 --> 00:09:33,336 Are you sure? 243 00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:35,434 I want to have sex with you. 244 00:09:35,738 --> 00:09:39,195 Sexy time for you, says me. 245 00:09:39,234 --> 00:09:43,237 You are a beautiful white man, Nick Miller. 246 00:09:43,261 --> 00:09:43,947 Okay. 247 00:09:43,953 --> 00:09:45,813 - Read all about it. - Yeah. 248 00:09:45,837 --> 00:09:48,519 - I'm Judy Garland. - Yeah, so it's the pills. 249 00:09:48,531 --> 00:09:49,584 This is nonsense. 250 00:09:49,599 --> 00:09:52,160 Whoa! Jess, hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no, no... 251 00:09:52,172 --> 00:09:54,026 Heck, no... no... 252 00:09:54,398 --> 00:09:57,268 - Don't do this right now. - I'm Judy Garland. 253 00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,426 Hey, Judy, let's get you to bed, doll. 254 00:10:00,329 --> 00:10:03,098 Whoa, whoa! You are way too drugged-up for this... okay... 255 00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:04,791 This little piggy went to the market. 256 00:10:04,803 --> 00:10:08,162 - That little piggy can't be touched by you right now. - This little piggy 257 00:10:08,181 --> 00:10:11,026 went... (Laughs)... this little piggy went to market! 258 00:10:11,057 --> 00:10:13,097 (Nick screaming) 259 00:10:13,938 --> 00:10:16,449 It's hot! I put my hand in the hot soup! 260 00:10:16,542 --> 00:10:18,597 Ow! You... aah! 261 00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:21,878 (Pants, grunts) 262 00:10:22,978 --> 00:10:24,847 Hey, Nick! 263 00:10:24,889 --> 00:10:28,626 Will you be a doll and get me some mustard? 264 00:10:31,452 --> 00:10:34,096 That is not flattering on you. You're an incredibly lovely man. 265 00:10:34,115 --> 00:10:36,296 - Are you calling my phone? - Yeah, I'm calling it right now, Winston. 266 00:10:36,319 --> 00:10:38,355 I can't find it. (Phone buzzing) 267 00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:41,118 Are you kidding me? Damn it, Winston! 268 00:10:41,143 --> 00:10:43,782 - It took me 20 minutes to fit this thing over your hips. - Whoa, okay. Hey! Hey! 269 00:10:43,801 --> 00:10:45,683 - Careful! Hey! What are you... - Why is your waist so weird? 270 00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,584 - That's my ass cheek! Sch-Schmidt! - I'm getting your phone. 271 00:10:48,602 --> 00:10:50,201 - (Laughs) That kind of tickles. - NICK: Hey! Stop saying 272 00:10:50,213 --> 00:10:52,315 "That's my ass cheek" and stop touching his butt! 273 00:10:52,340 --> 00:10:54,490 - Look at that shiner. - Not cool! 274 00:10:54,509 --> 00:10:57,206 Somebody messes with my boy, that means we mean "bid-ness"! 275 00:10:57,306 --> 00:10:59,577 We doing this? Let's do this! 276 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,434 Are we not... are we not doing it? It doesn't feel like 277 00:11:01,465 --> 00:11:02,579 - you guys want to do it. - Let's just say 278 00:11:02,591 --> 00:11:05,988 hypothetically that a girl says something to you while she's on painkillers. 279 00:11:06,006 --> 00:11:07,685 - Mm-hmm. - And that girl says that she might want 280 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:10,691 to have sexual intercourse with you. 281 00:11:10,717 --> 00:11:12,225 Please tell me we're not talking about Jess. 282 00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:14,427 And you had no idea that's how she felt. 283 00:11:14,446 --> 00:11:17,199 Like, no idea. You thought the door was closed. 284 00:11:17,242 --> 00:11:18,563 In fact, you thought that door was 285 00:11:18,576 --> 00:11:21,366 so closed that you went out to another door, 286 00:11:21,384 --> 00:11:23,455 but had I known that the first door was open, 287 00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:24,680 that's the door I wanted to walk through. 288 00:11:24,695 --> 00:11:26,311 - Wait, okay, wait... - I would've walked through that door. 289 00:11:26,512 --> 00:11:28,495 - Do you see how I'm in a tough spot? - Can we stop calling it 290 00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:30,196 "walking through a door"? Because for me, I feel like it's 291 00:11:30,227 --> 00:11:32,463 more like sliding past a drape. - Okay, if a girl on painkillers 292 00:11:32,475 --> 00:11:33,972 says that she wants to have sex with you, 293 00:11:34,002 --> 00:11:35,775 - Mm-hmm. - Is that the drugs or is that real? 294 00:11:35,794 --> 00:11:36,714 And if so, 295 00:11:36,742 --> 00:11:39,567 how do I end it with Shane before Jess finds out? 296 00:11:39,813 --> 00:11:41,589 (Stammering): I-I-I meant the door. 297 00:11:41,602 --> 00:11:42,489 (Clears throat) 298 00:11:42,532 --> 00:11:43,483 Nick, Jess... 299 00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:44,906 NICK: All right, good talking, guys. 300 00:11:44,918 --> 00:11:45,912 - Good stuff. Yeah, I love that. - Hey, guys. 301 00:11:45,937 --> 00:11:47,066 What happened to your eye? 302 00:11:47,072 --> 00:11:49,883 You smashed me in the face, remember? 303 00:11:49,902 --> 00:11:51,151 - Right here. - That's funny. 304 00:11:51,457 --> 00:11:52,465 Seriously, what happened? 305 00:11:52,477 --> 00:11:53,901 Is your jaw okay? I bit my face. 306 00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:55,005 Oh, you know what? 307 00:11:55,022 --> 00:11:56,771 I can't even feel it. 308 00:11:56,789 --> 00:11:59,407 The doctor's got me so goofy on these painkillers, 309 00:11:59,425 --> 00:12:00,966 it's like it never happened. 310 00:12:00,993 --> 00:12:02,421 (Whispers): It's like it never happened. 311 00:12:02,433 --> 00:12:04,285 But I sure got a chin shiner. 312 00:12:04,289 --> 00:12:06,296 - (Chuckles): Yeah, you do. - Right? 313 00:12:06,603 --> 00:12:07,687 So, I'll see you at Guys' Night. 314 00:12:07,705 --> 00:12:09,169 - Uh, no, no, no, you... - I don't... 315 00:12:09,181 --> 00:12:11,666 - I think you should rest. - Yeah, girl, you gotta protect that face. 316 00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:14,124 Yeah, hey, for real, you should stay home and you should rest, Jess. 317 00:12:14,142 --> 00:12:15,343 That's so sweet. 318 00:12:15,369 --> 00:12:16,345 Thanks, guys. 319 00:12:22,272 --> 00:12:23,705 What are doing out here? 320 00:12:24,518 --> 00:12:25,421 This is crazy. 321 00:12:25,446 --> 00:12:26,968 We've been standing in the ocean for two hours 322 00:12:26,974 --> 00:12:28,680 trying to steal an illegal fish. 323 00:12:28,918 --> 00:12:31,413 I don't know why you want that damn fish so bad. 324 00:12:31,571 --> 00:12:34,332 But what I do know is that it's gonna make you happy. 325 00:12:34,389 --> 00:12:35,689 And that's all I care about. 326 00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:37,043 Remember, I'm the one who shaved your shoulders 327 00:12:37,068 --> 00:12:38,456 after you got that scoop-neck sweater. 328 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,737 - I appreciate it. - I'd do the same to find 329 00:12:40,755 --> 00:12:42,905 whatever it is that makes you happy. 330 00:12:43,176 --> 00:12:45,005 You want to lose that last 55 pounds, 331 00:12:45,149 --> 00:12:46,146 I'll help you do that. 332 00:12:46,159 --> 00:12:47,621 I don't got 50 pounds to lose. 333 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:48,962 It's very evident in this outfit. 334 00:12:49,011 --> 00:12:49,989 Right there. I see something. 335 00:12:50,012 --> 00:12:51,424 Lionfish! 336 00:12:51,642 --> 00:12:53,127 Son of a... 337 00:12:55,684 --> 00:12:56,951 (Shrieks) 338 00:12:57,169 --> 00:12:58,147 - What the...? - Jellyfish! 339 00:12:58,171 --> 00:12:59,417 - What? - Jellyfish! 340 00:12:59,618 --> 00:13:00,917 - Whoa, Schmidt. - Jellyfish! 341 00:13:00,951 --> 00:13:01,900 - What happened? 342 00:13:01,919 --> 00:13:02,709 (Screams) 343 00:13:02,737 --> 00:13:04,353 - It got me, it got me! - What do I do? 344 00:13:04,372 --> 00:13:05,669 - It got me, Winston! - What do I do? 345 00:13:05,681 --> 00:13:07,272 - It burns! - Okay! 346 00:13:07,277 --> 00:13:09,083 - Burns! - So what do I do? 347 00:13:09,107 --> 00:13:10,875 - I need you to pee on my face. - What? 348 00:13:10,894 --> 00:13:12,428 - You need to pee on my face. - I can't. 349 00:13:12,447 --> 00:13:14,094 It will sterilize the wound. Please do it, Winston. 350 00:13:14,112 --> 00:13:15,353 I can not pee on your face. 351 00:13:15,372 --> 00:13:16,659 I thought you were with me to the end. 352 00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:19,242 - I just peed in the ocean, so I'm all out. - You peed in the ocean? 353 00:13:19,271 --> 00:13:20,589 - Yeah, look... - Disgusting! 354 00:13:20,613 --> 00:13:22,999 Okay, look, look, I know this is a dumb question, 355 00:13:23,186 --> 00:13:24,553 but will number two help? 356 00:13:24,926 --> 00:13:25,761 What? 357 00:13:25,779 --> 00:13:27,646 ♪ (Guys shouting jubilantly) 358 00:13:27,715 --> 00:13:28,815 (Guy belches loudly) 359 00:13:29,882 --> 00:13:32,118 Free beers, Gorilla Bowl of nachos. 360 00:13:32,135 --> 00:13:33,939 Gonna be two dozen dollars, boys. 361 00:13:34,515 --> 00:13:37,373 Didn't realize we could make a $22 profit on nachos. 362 00:13:37,398 --> 00:13:39,754 - Guys' Night is genius. - Right? 363 00:13:39,817 --> 00:13:43,159 Hey, um, look, uh, I think you're great, 364 00:13:43,177 --> 00:13:45,380 I just, uh, I can't keep... 365 00:13:46,914 --> 00:13:50,788 I can't keep running to get cheese every time somebody orders nachos. 366 00:13:50,812 --> 00:13:52,472 I love how worked up you get over cheese. 367 00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:54,174 Get down there. Run. 368 00:13:55,563 --> 00:13:56,840 Ooh... 369 00:13:57,070 --> 00:14:00,017 who do I have to do around here to get a bucket of nachos? 370 00:14:00,036 --> 00:14:01,640 Right here. Right here. How you doing? 371 00:14:01,653 --> 00:14:03,676 - I wasn't serious. - Wendell. Hi. 372 00:14:03,694 --> 00:14:05,317 - Gentlemen... - There's a really literal 373 00:14:05,355 --> 00:14:07,088 - vibe around here. - What are you doing here? 374 00:14:07,118 --> 00:14:08,684 This morning you said you weren't coming, Jess. 375 00:14:08,703 --> 00:14:10,728 I actually don't remember this morning at all. 376 00:14:10,765 --> 00:14:13,441 - But I would never miss this. I'm so proud of you. - Free beers! 377 00:14:13,616 --> 00:14:14,696 Free beer. 378 00:14:14,708 --> 00:14:16,077 You guys went through those! 379 00:14:16,095 --> 00:14:17,606 - Wait a minute... - More free beers. 380 00:14:17,637 --> 00:14:20,595 Guys' Night is men drink for free? 381 00:14:20,613 --> 00:14:23,467 - Well, it's Guys' Night. - Oh. 382 00:14:23,724 --> 00:14:25,159 You know... 383 00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:26,869 I... 384 00:14:27,407 --> 00:14:29,741 it's not a really good idea. 385 00:14:30,122 --> 00:14:34,054 You know, because women won't show up, and... 386 00:14:34,599 --> 00:14:35,312 You know? 387 00:14:35,343 --> 00:14:37,097 He's our little idea man. 388 00:14:37,178 --> 00:14:39,256 - Hey... (Chuckles) - SHANE: So full of ideas. 389 00:14:39,281 --> 00:14:41,648 - She just slap your ass? - Sure. She's like a... 390 00:14:41,660 --> 00:14:43,424 she's my boss and like a coach. 391 00:14:43,593 --> 00:14:44,593 We're a team here. 392 00:14:44,605 --> 00:14:46,933 We all slap each ether's butts all the time. 393 00:14:46,945 --> 00:14:49,118 Right here! Keep up the good work! 394 00:14:49,518 --> 00:14:51,717 Why don't you go get us some ice, Big Bob? 395 00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:53,870 Just slap my butt, Big Bob. 396 00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:55,025 Show me some butt love. 397 00:14:55,043 --> 00:14:56,621 - Fire me off! - Some butt love? 398 00:14:56,639 --> 00:14:57,858 SHANE: Take a slice of that. 399 00:14:57,883 --> 00:14:59,444 NICK: Oh, you got right up in there. 400 00:14:59,462 --> 00:15:00,762 Hey, hey... 401 00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,931 - Oh, Shane, Shane, Shane... - Wait... 402 00:15:03,872 --> 00:15:04,623 Is she...? 403 00:15:04,641 --> 00:15:05,928 - (Chuckles) No. - Uh, yeah. 404 00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:07,437 - Are you...? - No. Yeah. Yeah. 405 00:15:07,459 --> 00:15:08,723 Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're sleeping together. 406 00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:11,226 - So what? - We're all sleeping together. 407 00:15:11,275 --> 00:15:12,836 Big Bob is... 408 00:15:15,157 --> 00:15:16,272 I'm sorry, Jess. 409 00:15:16,297 --> 00:15:17,236 Why... I mean, 410 00:15:17,255 --> 00:15:18,324 why are you sorry? 411 00:15:18,342 --> 00:15:19,365 You're a free man. 412 00:15:19,390 --> 00:15:22,131 Just... you're just... you know... getting some stank on it. 413 00:15:22,143 --> 00:15:25,149 Did you really just say that to me in my own bar? 414 00:15:25,167 --> 00:15:26,599 - Nick, who is this? - JESS: Yeah, Nick, 415 00:15:26,611 --> 00:15:27,879 who am I? 416 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:29,760 Shane, this is Jess. 417 00:15:30,615 --> 00:15:32,383 She's my, uh... 418 00:15:33,358 --> 00:15:34,126 - Yeah. - Yeah? 419 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:34,926 NICK: Yeah. 420 00:15:35,271 --> 00:15:38,411 Hmm... my room... friend. 421 00:15:39,187 --> 00:15:41,987 I'm your "room friend," Nick? 422 00:15:41,999 --> 00:15:43,475 Jess, don't... 423 00:15:44,154 --> 00:15:45,566 I'm sleeping with Nick, too. 424 00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:47,383 You don't have to do this, Bob. 425 00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:48,796 I have to go. 426 00:15:48,814 --> 00:15:50,901 Big Bob, that was really sweet. 427 00:15:51,141 --> 00:15:53,377 Thank you, Bob! Jess, wait! 428 00:15:57,036 --> 00:15:58,907 - Hey, hey. - What are you doing here? 429 00:15:58,931 --> 00:16:00,674 He left me a voicemail from the ambulance. 430 00:16:00,692 --> 00:16:02,706 He was rambling a lot, but I brought him this. 431 00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:03,753 Whoa, where'd you get that? 432 00:16:03,779 --> 00:16:05,367 You know, one of the perks of being a model. 433 00:16:05,379 --> 00:16:07,069 You get to meet a lot of sketchy people. 434 00:16:07,087 --> 00:16:09,300 The guy who got me this also said he could get me 435 00:16:09,318 --> 00:16:12,445 a box of dolphin steaks or a mostly white baby. 436 00:16:12,477 --> 00:16:13,610 Good to know. 437 00:16:13,697 --> 00:16:14,730 How's he doing? 438 00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:16,968 Uh, hey, 439 00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:19,349 listen, I think it might be good for him 440 00:16:19,485 --> 00:16:21,265 if you just gave him some space. 441 00:16:21,697 --> 00:16:22,660 Space? 442 00:16:22,678 --> 00:16:23,709 (Sighs) 443 00:16:23,864 --> 00:16:25,588 Cece, you're getting married. 444 00:16:26,499 --> 00:16:28,163 It's killing him. 445 00:16:30,442 --> 00:16:31,385 - Okay. - Yeah. 446 00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:33,598 - Um, just tell him I came... - Mm-hmm. 447 00:16:33,872 --> 00:16:36,892 - ...by, or... or not. - Uh-huh. 448 00:16:38,144 --> 00:16:38,986 (Sighs) 449 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,518 He's waking up. You should go. 450 00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:43,484 - Okay. - You know... roommate. 451 00:16:52,418 --> 00:16:53,619 Winston. 452 00:16:53,955 --> 00:16:55,124 Hmm? 453 00:16:56,124 --> 00:16:58,165 I just realized something. 454 00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,377 It was never about a fish. 455 00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:02,838 It was a metaphor. 456 00:17:03,762 --> 00:17:05,025 It was about Cece. 457 00:17:05,397 --> 00:17:06,762 Don't feel bad about not seeing it. 458 00:17:06,786 --> 00:17:08,456 Look, man, it was subtle as hell. 459 00:17:08,481 --> 00:17:10,815 Oh, my God, is that a lionfish? 460 00:17:10,971 --> 00:17:12,004 Where'd that come from? 461 00:17:13,152 --> 00:17:14,403 The... The lion... the lionfish? 462 00:17:14,421 --> 00:17:16,199 (Stammers): You. That came from you. 463 00:17:16,224 --> 00:17:17,879 When the paramedics came, you... 464 00:17:18,011 --> 00:17:18,989 you had it in your hand. 465 00:17:19,007 --> 00:17:20,596 They were like, "Whoa, you can't get one of these." 466 00:17:20,621 --> 00:17:21,826 And I was like, "He caught it 467 00:17:21,838 --> 00:17:24,521 in a..." You did it. (Chuckles) 468 00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:27,698 Hello, fish Cece. 469 00:17:28,486 --> 00:17:29,764 Gonna put you back in the sea. 470 00:17:29,770 --> 00:17:30,931 - I'm sorry, what? - Look, Winston, 471 00:17:30,955 --> 00:17:32,606 I don't know if it was the jellyfish's venom 472 00:17:32,631 --> 00:17:34,100 or the paramedic's urine, but 473 00:17:34,114 --> 00:17:35,606 it made me realize... 474 00:17:36,924 --> 00:17:38,491 ...she's not mine to keep. 475 00:17:38,672 --> 00:17:39,997 She belongs out there. 476 00:17:40,015 --> 00:17:41,748 In the great, wide open ocean. 477 00:17:44,549 --> 00:17:45,492 Uh, Schmidt, 478 00:17:45,504 --> 00:17:46,980 that don't go to the ocean. 479 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:49,331 What are you, the city planner? 480 00:17:55,256 --> 00:17:56,423 Hi. 481 00:17:59,866 --> 00:18:01,302 Well, I've got some explaining to do. 482 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:02,739 Shut up. 483 00:18:05,438 --> 00:18:07,471 I'm really happy her name is Shane. 484 00:18:07,495 --> 00:18:08,849 - Mm... mm-hmm. - Who's next? 485 00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:09,821 Cody? 486 00:18:09,851 --> 00:18:10,851 (Chuckles) 487 00:18:10,938 --> 00:18:12,771 - Tex? The sheriff? - Mm. 488 00:18:14,023 --> 00:18:15,323 Hey, Jess... 489 00:18:15,653 --> 00:18:16,820 last night, 490 00:18:16,951 --> 00:18:18,517 when you were on pills... 491 00:18:19,574 --> 00:18:20,718 ...you said you want me. 492 00:18:20,731 --> 00:18:21,701 (Scoffing): Shut up. 493 00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:23,581 You put your hand in my pocket. 494 00:18:23,609 --> 00:18:25,414 - No, I didn't... - You said, "This little piggy wants to go to the market." 495 00:18:25,432 --> 00:18:26,858 - Shut up, Nick. - It's something you were 496 00:18:26,876 --> 00:18:28,578 just saying, that's fine, that's cool, 497 00:18:28,596 --> 00:18:29,978 we'll move on and not talk about it, 498 00:18:29,990 --> 00:18:32,066 but it is something that I've thought a lot about. 499 00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:33,566 But you were never clear about that, 500 00:18:33,598 --> 00:18:34,950 so that there were other options. 501 00:18:34,968 --> 00:18:36,907 And this little piggy ran around to different markets, 502 00:18:36,913 --> 00:18:38,693 but he didn't know. - What are you talking about? 503 00:18:38,705 --> 00:18:41,032 Do you want to have sex with me, yes or no? 504 00:18:41,063 --> 00:18:41,901 Yes! 505 00:18:43,187 --> 00:18:45,833 No! Yes! I mean, I did. 506 00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:46,926 But that was before I knew 507 00:18:46,951 --> 00:18:48,657 that you were... you were doing all that 508 00:18:48,683 --> 00:18:51,986 for your boss, so you sleep with her. - Fine, forget-forget the boss. 509 00:18:52,011 --> 00:18:54,096 Okay. Well, I just, you know, I thought it was... 510 00:18:54,123 --> 00:18:58,206 it was nice to see you actually trying at something. 511 00:18:59,319 --> 00:19:00,286 So... 512 00:19:00,397 --> 00:19:02,423 That's why you were more attracted to me? 513 00:19:03,029 --> 00:19:04,570 - Wait a second. - I thought it was 514 00:19:04,588 --> 00:19:06,358 - attractive that you were trying. - That's why? 515 00:19:06,386 --> 00:19:08,079 You're a frickin' gold digger, Jess. 516 00:19:08,085 --> 00:19:09,991 - What?! - I think that's what you just said. 517 00:19:10,003 --> 00:19:11,575 If I were a gold digger, 518 00:19:11,585 --> 00:19:13,383 do you think I'd be interested in you? 519 00:19:13,389 --> 00:19:17,069 - I would be the worst gold digger in the world. - You're a friggin' gold digger. 520 00:19:17,093 --> 00:19:19,966 - No, I'm not, Nick. Shut up! - I'm so disappointed in you. 521 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,060 I'm not a gold digger. 522 00:19:24,068 --> 00:19:25,702 Then prove it. 523 00:19:33,487 --> 00:19:35,321 ♪ ♪ 524 00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:41,361 (Both moaning passionately) 525 00:19:43,330 --> 00:19:44,791 - Ow! My jaw. - What? 526 00:19:44,810 --> 00:19:47,699 - Then move your damn head. - Then kiss me like a man! 527 00:19:50,212 --> 00:19:51,212 (Nick groans) 528 00:19:51,254 --> 00:19:51,890 Damn it! 529 00:19:51,902 --> 00:19:54,572 - What's wrong with your hand? - I burnt it in your damn soup. 530 00:19:54,590 --> 00:19:56,647 - Is that what you wanted... - Well, who burns their hand in soup? 531 00:19:56,665 --> 00:19:57,933 I do! 532 00:19:58,331 --> 00:19:59,238 You're a mess! 533 00:19:59,263 --> 00:20:01,441 You are so annoying with your little shorts. 534 00:20:01,465 --> 00:20:03,516 Why are you so angry all the time? 535 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,221 I told you, shut up. 536 00:20:05,233 --> 00:20:06,630 Shut up and take off your clothes right now. 537 00:20:06,636 --> 00:20:08,244 And I mean it, take off your clothes. 538 00:20:08,454 --> 00:20:10,849 You're just chaotic. Everywhere you go. 539 00:20:10,873 --> 00:20:12,171 Stop talking! 540 00:20:12,190 --> 00:20:13,462 - Wherever you go! - You are--This is not 541 00:20:13,481 --> 00:20:15,845 the time to talk, that is the stupidest thing... 542 00:20:16,585 --> 00:20:17,784 Oh... 543 00:20:27,523 --> 00:20:29,390 I'm gonna grab some paper towels. 544 00:20:29,945 --> 00:20:32,693 An aquarium the size of a sixth grader just broke, 545 00:20:32,710 --> 00:20:34,490 and you're grabbing paper towels? 546 00:20:34,509 --> 00:20:36,424 - Yes, I'm getting paper towels. - What are you thinking?! 547 00:20:36,441 --> 00:20:37,250 Okay, you know what? 548 00:20:37,268 --> 00:20:39,264 - I'm out. - You can't clean this up with paper towels. 549 00:20:39,276 --> 00:20:40,630 - I'm not... - You don't want to clean it up. 550 00:20:40,642 --> 00:20:41,824 - No, that's not what it is. - Well, you know what? 551 00:20:41,854 --> 00:20:43,343 - If you're not cleaning it up, - I do not want to be told... 552 00:20:43,356 --> 00:20:45,517 - I'm not cleaning it up. - ...what to do, by you, right this second! 553 00:20:45,541 --> 00:20:47,712 - I'm not... just 'cause I'm a woman? - That's it! I'm out! 554 00:20:47,802 --> 00:20:49,001 Please. 555 00:20:49,231 --> 00:20:50,532 (Doors slamming) 556 00:20:50,557 --> 00:20:52,370 (Doors opening) 557 00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:01,835 - You piss me off! - This is a bad idea. 558 00:21:02,557 --> 00:21:03,794 (Doors slam) 559 00:21:03,838 --> 00:21:06,493 I know you're going out into the ocean lionfish, but... 560 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,333 I ever see you again, then... 561 00:21:08,452 --> 00:21:10,081 well... 562 00:21:11,790 --> 00:21:14,050 And should you meet a charming... 563 00:21:14,718 --> 00:21:15,469 (Sniffs) 564 00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:18,309 physically fit, what-- I don't know, whatever kind of fish 565 00:21:18,321 --> 00:21:19,709 gefilte fish come from... 566 00:21:20,991 --> 00:21:22,166 Treat him well. 567 00:21:25,184 --> 00:21:26,242 Be careful. 568 00:21:30,869 --> 00:21:32,238 You gotta be kidding me! 569 00:21:32,257 --> 00:21:33,488 - Oh, shoot. - Stay alive! 570 00:21:33,497 --> 00:21:36,188 SCHMIDT: Stay alive! Cece! 571 00:21:36,706 --> 00:21:41,706 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther