1 00:00:06,045 --> 00:00:07,809 Watching TV-- cool. 2 00:00:07,835 --> 00:00:09,485 Cool. 3 00:00:14,073 --> 00:00:17,330 Where do you think you're going? That charger belongs to all of us. 4 00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:18,484 - Nowhere. - Oh, really? 5 00:00:18,496 --> 00:00:20,123 Because it looks like you're going 6 00:00:20,141 --> 00:00:22,871 to your room to charge when it's not your turn. 7 00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:24,484 You know the rules, dumb-dumb. 8 00:00:24,541 --> 00:00:26,750 Charger stays in a neutral room. 9 00:00:26,762 --> 00:00:28,016 Why do we only have one charger anyway? 10 00:00:28,034 --> 00:00:29,952 It was supposed to bring us closer together. 11 00:00:29,970 --> 00:00:30,904 Hey, look, another charger. 12 00:00:30,910 --> 00:00:33,258 - Take him! - Get him! - Get down! 13 00:00:33,315 --> 00:00:35,753 You guys get him started, I'll finish him off. 14 00:00:36,606 --> 00:00:39,794 - Just... so many dude butts. - Watch my face, man. That's my face. 15 00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:41,453 Watch my face. Hey, that's the moneymaker. 16 00:00:41,466 --> 00:00:43,818 No, I'm gonna stop him, I'm gonna stop... 17 00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:46,391 - Get... No! - You are terrible at this. 18 00:00:46,428 --> 00:00:48,596 Oh, you can't outrun the Jewish. 19 00:00:50,665 --> 00:00:51,710 That was stupid. 20 00:00:51,716 --> 00:00:53,166 They are such idiots. 21 00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:54,504 I don't know why I do this. 22 00:00:54,523 --> 00:00:56,042 The charger doesn't even fit on my phone. 23 00:00:56,060 --> 00:00:58,391 I have, like, six chargers in my room. 24 00:00:58,519 --> 00:00:59,751 I just do this for fun. 25 00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:01,678 It's funny. 26 00:01:05,083 --> 00:01:06,964 Well, here we are by ourselves. 27 00:01:07,015 --> 00:01:08,737 What should we do? 28 00:01:08,756 --> 00:01:11,175 - Uh, definitely not make out. - Definitely not. 29 00:01:21,637 --> 00:01:23,288 Your hand's on my boob. 30 00:01:23,361 --> 00:01:24,761 Yeah. 31 00:01:25,008 --> 00:01:26,621 And it's weird. 32 00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:28,570 Maybe it's less weird because I know 33 00:01:28,587 --> 00:01:30,053 that it's weird-- I'm calling it out. 34 00:01:30,072 --> 00:01:31,570 Doesn't make it less weird. 35 00:01:31,582 --> 00:01:33,578 - Right on. - So you're an upper-boob guy. 36 00:01:33,590 --> 00:01:35,464 That's the most underrated part of the boob. 37 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,647 It's what I've always said. 38 00:01:36,668 --> 00:01:38,220 Can I ask you a question? 39 00:01:38,225 --> 00:01:41,072 - Please. - What's going on here? 40 00:01:41,096 --> 00:01:42,497 - Yeah. - What are we...? 41 00:01:42,515 --> 00:01:44,069 - We, us? - What are we doing? Yeah. 42 00:01:44,081 --> 00:01:45,607 We are roommates, 43 00:01:45,652 --> 00:01:47,180 who have made out a couple of times, 44 00:01:47,205 --> 00:01:49,129 and are attracted to each other. - Mm-hmm. 45 00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:50,839 - And really good friends. - Yeah. 46 00:01:50,864 --> 00:01:53,736 And sometimes genuinely kind of hate each other. 47 00:01:54,232 --> 00:01:55,823 And sometimes... 48 00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:58,242 touch each other's boobs. 49 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:04,772 - Little bit better... - Not helping. 50 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,019 - Little bit worse? - Yeah. 51 00:02:06,530 --> 00:02:07,946 d Who's that girl? 52 00:02:07,970 --> 00:02:10,401 d Who's that girl? d d It's Jess. 53 00:02:10,419 --> 00:02:14,419 2x21 First Date 54 00:02:15,351 --> 00:02:17,759 Would you describe this as a sexual act? 55 00:02:17,784 --> 00:02:20,167 I would describe that as the pledge of allegiance, 56 00:02:20,218 --> 00:02:21,822 which can be sexual. Why? 57 00:02:21,846 --> 00:02:24,127 Because this is what I got from Nick. 58 00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:25,973 Just out of the blue. No reason. 59 00:02:25,991 --> 00:02:27,593 Our relationship's so confusing. 60 00:02:27,612 --> 00:02:29,440 But this is Nick we're talking about. 61 00:02:29,459 --> 00:02:31,782 He's never gonna tell me how he feels. 62 00:02:31,794 --> 00:02:33,175 It's always gonna be weird. 63 00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:35,407 And I have to stop expecting for it to... 64 00:02:35,603 --> 00:02:36,442 change. What? 65 00:02:36,454 --> 00:02:38,251 You realize your hand is still on your boob, right? 66 00:02:38,269 --> 00:02:40,227 I can't explain it, it's... 67 00:02:40,510 --> 00:02:42,548 it's, like, really calming me down. 68 00:02:42,573 --> 00:02:46,004 I mean, the sexual tension has been off the charts. 69 00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:47,730 It's like the wild west. 70 00:02:47,749 --> 00:02:49,538 No laws. 71 00:02:49,557 --> 00:02:50,924 Whiskey for a nickel. 72 00:02:50,959 --> 00:02:52,826 Whores caked in mud. 73 00:02:52,861 --> 00:02:54,528 I don't know what to do. 74 00:02:55,156 --> 00:02:57,426 You're always there when I need you, Tran. 75 00:02:57,682 --> 00:02:59,224 Thank you. 76 00:02:59,418 --> 00:03:01,095 I'm glad you got no life. 77 00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:05,130 I'm joking. Would you settle down? 78 00:03:05,271 --> 00:03:07,109 My father just died. 79 00:03:07,275 --> 00:03:08,709 I don't know, life's short, huh? 80 00:03:08,743 --> 00:03:10,568 It just kind of... 81 00:03:11,088 --> 00:03:12,867 I got to start doing things, Tran. 82 00:03:12,892 --> 00:03:15,389 Making moves, grown-up moves. 83 00:03:15,441 --> 00:03:17,860 I don't know, I want things. I want to, like, mow a lawn, 84 00:03:17,884 --> 00:03:20,354 you know, my lawn, in dark socks. 85 00:03:21,989 --> 00:03:23,808 What's my move with Jess? 86 00:03:24,006 --> 00:03:25,473 What would you do? 87 00:03:26,220 --> 00:03:29,600 Of course you would, you dirty dog. 88 00:03:31,154 --> 00:03:33,188 Well, in reality, Tran, 89 00:03:33,302 --> 00:03:35,470 what would do if you were me? 90 00:03:37,666 --> 00:03:39,135 A date? 91 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:41,275 What if that's not what she wants? 92 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:42,621 What if she... oh! 93 00:03:42,644 --> 00:03:44,158 What if she...? 94 00:03:44,442 --> 00:03:46,076 All right, you're right-- no second-guessing. 95 00:03:46,099 --> 00:03:48,000 I got to be confident, I've got to be clear. 96 00:03:48,018 --> 00:03:49,538 Women like that. 97 00:03:49,564 --> 00:03:51,498 All right, I just got to say... 98 00:03:53,038 --> 00:03:54,532 Jessica, 99 00:03:54,732 --> 00:03:56,700 you are a beautiful woman, 100 00:03:56,916 --> 00:04:01,922 and my life has not been the same since I met you. 101 00:04:02,219 --> 00:04:05,282 And it would mean the world to me if you would, uh... 102 00:04:05,776 --> 00:04:07,577 go on a date with me. 103 00:04:12,369 --> 00:04:13,682 Hey, Nick. 104 00:04:14,545 --> 00:04:16,184 Jess... 105 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,365 ...ica. 106 00:04:18,582 --> 00:04:21,816 Dirty J, Dr. day, my toilet sister. 107 00:04:21,834 --> 00:04:24,156 If so, food. 108 00:04:26,089 --> 00:04:27,421 You want to get food later? 109 00:04:32,190 --> 00:04:33,925 I'm gonna get dressed now. 110 00:04:35,477 --> 00:04:36,931 Okay, bye. 111 00:04:38,821 --> 00:04:41,583 - Did you put the charger the bathroom? - The most neutral room in the loft. 112 00:04:41,613 --> 00:04:43,339 - Yeah, well, I moved it to the kitchen. - The kitchen? 113 00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,117 - Hey, guys. - Nick, what's more neutral? 114 00:04:45,171 --> 00:04:48,014 The awesome bathroom or the stupid, stupid kitchen? 115 00:04:48,039 --> 00:04:50,398 I have a lot of thoughts on this, but first, Schmidt, 116 00:04:50,416 --> 00:04:51,748 I have a favor. 117 00:04:51,810 --> 00:04:53,975 - It's about my clothes. - Burn them, burn them all. 118 00:04:54,006 --> 00:04:56,354 No, no, no, no, no, I have a date tonight, 119 00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:58,164 and, you know, there's a lot of women who sleep with you, 120 00:04:58,183 --> 00:05:00,421 and I can't figure out why, so maybe it's about clothes, and maybe... 121 00:05:00,445 --> 00:05:03,069 Are you asking me if I'll help you pick out clothing 122 00:05:03,088 --> 00:05:05,038 so you can seduce a woman? - I was. 123 00:05:05,056 --> 00:05:09,064 I don't know. It's only all I've been wanting for the past ten years, Nick. 124 00:05:10,430 --> 00:05:13,399 Yes, that is how you wrap a son of a bitch in wool. 125 00:05:13,452 --> 00:05:15,731 Now, if somebody asks you who you're wearing tonight, 126 00:05:15,756 --> 00:05:17,469 what do you say? Do it, bro. - I don't want to do that. 127 00:05:17,486 --> 00:05:19,255 - I don't want to do that. - Do it. 128 00:05:21,076 --> 00:05:22,678 - I'm wearing Schmidt. Yeah. - Yeah, you are. 129 00:05:22,703 --> 00:05:25,117 And neckscape by Winston. 130 00:05:25,142 --> 00:05:27,987 Oh... whoa, who is that handsome devil? 131 00:05:28,011 --> 00:05:29,961 Okay, now, here's some things you want to hide about yourself 132 00:05:29,973 --> 00:05:31,322 on tonight's date, okay? - Definitely, yeah. 133 00:05:31,346 --> 00:05:32,777 That you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, 134 00:05:32,787 --> 00:05:34,554 you're broke and you have a problem with anger. 135 00:05:34,572 --> 00:05:36,021 Your car is horrible. 136 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,721 So go ahead and take my new Foscapay. 137 00:05:39,991 --> 00:05:41,549 What's a Foscapay? 138 00:05:41,895 --> 00:05:42,805 Uh, Ford Escape. 139 00:05:42,823 --> 00:05:44,252 I'm still work-shopping nicknames. 140 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,805 - By the way, who's the girl? - Who's the girl? 141 00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,204 - Who's the girl? Yeah. - Uh, what's her name? 142 00:05:47,223 --> 00:05:48,842 It's, uh, yeah, it's, uh... 143 00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:51,732 Her name is, uh, obviously Yolanda. 144 00:05:52,287 --> 00:05:54,912 Uh... her last name is Winston. 145 00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,713 - I should go. - Oh, I love latino girls. 146 00:06:00,215 --> 00:06:01,382 Yolanda Winston. 147 00:06:01,846 --> 00:06:02,992 Schmidt, that's a fake name. 148 00:06:02,998 --> 00:06:04,933 Yeah, but why would he lie about... 149 00:06:04,954 --> 00:06:06,121 Oh, my God. 150 00:06:06,261 --> 00:06:08,529 - Nick is a male escort. - Jess... 151 00:06:10,076 --> 00:06:11,840 - Probably not a... Yeah. - Jess, man. 152 00:06:11,852 --> 00:06:15,183 Do you realize what it means if Jess and Nick become a couple? 153 00:06:15,202 --> 00:06:16,872 Nick is our glue, man. You know, without him, 154 00:06:16,897 --> 00:06:18,375 it just doesn't work-- it never has. 155 00:06:19,042 --> 00:06:21,018 See what I mean? He's awesome, man. 156 00:06:21,037 --> 00:06:23,075 This is my, one of my best friends, too. 157 00:06:23,110 --> 00:06:24,653 I'm gonna use the bathroom. 158 00:06:32,413 --> 00:06:34,007 Nick... 159 00:06:36,019 --> 00:06:37,013 Nick... 160 00:06:37,199 --> 00:06:39,919 All of our stories start and end with Nick. 161 00:06:39,968 --> 00:06:41,631 What if Nick decides he's gonna leave us? 162 00:06:41,656 --> 00:06:43,231 Well, you know what we have to do, right? 163 00:06:43,506 --> 00:06:44,510 We're gonna track Jess down 164 00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,641 and kill her with this knife. - We have to sabotage the date. 165 00:06:47,815 --> 00:06:49,766 Or we do your thing. 166 00:06:51,021 --> 00:06:52,688 Let's do your thing. 167 00:06:56,488 --> 00:06:58,285 - Hey, Jess. - Hey. 168 00:06:58,316 --> 00:07:00,305 What are you doing over there by the hot dogs? 169 00:07:00,328 --> 00:07:02,991 You gave me the address, I just assumed we were eating at the hot dog stand. 170 00:07:03,016 --> 00:07:04,590 - No... - Why are you wearing a suit? 171 00:07:04,615 --> 00:07:06,328 Did you just apply for a loan or something? 172 00:07:06,353 --> 00:07:08,267 No, I'm, uh... 173 00:07:11,036 --> 00:07:11,986 I'm wearing Schmidt. 174 00:07:12,004 --> 00:07:13,173 You're wear... you're wearing what? 175 00:07:13,191 --> 00:07:14,520 I'm wearing Schmidt, uh... 176 00:07:14,532 --> 00:07:15,651 Winston shaved my face. 177 00:07:17,220 --> 00:07:17,896 Weird. 178 00:07:17,914 --> 00:07:19,777 Well, come on, let's get some dinner. 179 00:07:19,897 --> 00:07:22,589 - Come on, I got a reservation. - Come on. 180 00:07:23,764 --> 00:07:24,348 What? 181 00:07:24,366 --> 00:07:26,337 Hi, there, sir. Afraid, uh, 182 00:07:26,378 --> 00:07:28,698 you apparently didn't see the crosswalk was over there. 183 00:07:28,710 --> 00:07:31,440 Oh, let's not sweat the small stuff, officer. I'm walking across the street. 184 00:07:31,446 --> 00:07:33,604 - Afraid I'm gonna have to write you up for jaywalking. - Stay calm, 185 00:07:33,622 --> 00:07:35,029 make tiny fists with your toes. 186 00:07:35,066 --> 00:07:37,132 - I'm really sorry about this. - Jess, I'm not upset. 187 00:07:37,163 --> 00:07:38,701 This man is merely doing his job. 188 00:07:38,732 --> 00:07:39,828 You were right, I was wrong. 189 00:07:39,845 --> 00:07:41,613 Here you go, sir. Thank you, officer. 190 00:07:42,018 --> 00:07:43,690 $340?! 191 00:07:43,708 --> 00:07:46,653 Yeah, I know it's a lot. They raised it last year, I think. 192 00:07:46,917 --> 00:07:47,786 Have a good night, ma'am. 193 00:07:47,813 --> 00:07:50,365 - All right, just scram. - You too, sir. 194 00:07:51,112 --> 00:07:52,499 Dinner? 195 00:07:53,112 --> 00:07:54,823 - Okay. - Okay. 196 00:07:56,048 --> 00:07:57,904 - After you. - Thank you. 197 00:07:57,922 --> 00:07:59,289 Okay. 198 00:07:59,963 --> 00:08:01,432 Very lovely. 199 00:08:04,054 --> 00:08:05,488 What an establishment. 200 00:08:05,540 --> 00:08:07,113 It's my favorite in the city. 201 00:08:08,115 --> 00:08:09,348 Right on time. 202 00:08:09,435 --> 00:08:10,782 Oh... 203 00:08:10,828 --> 00:08:12,654 Keep it coming. 204 00:08:14,218 --> 00:08:16,242 Hey, Nick, can I ask you a question? 205 00:08:16,282 --> 00:08:17,361 What's on your mind? 206 00:08:17,386 --> 00:08:18,842 Well, I'm just asking... 207 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:20,596 if this is a date. 208 00:08:23,762 --> 00:08:27,650 - What do you mean, "is this a date?" - I'm just... I'm asking you if this is a date. 209 00:08:28,095 --> 00:08:29,362 It seems like a date. 210 00:08:29,661 --> 00:08:31,948 You've been thinking it's a date this whole time? 211 00:08:32,051 --> 00:08:33,802 - I'm just asking you. - How embarrassing for you. 212 00:08:33,827 --> 00:08:35,679 No, for me, it's just hanging out in a suit, 213 00:08:35,704 --> 00:08:37,517 getting champagne with my friend. 214 00:08:39,530 --> 00:08:41,226 I think we're ready to order. 215 00:08:41,339 --> 00:08:43,029 I have an idea-- I'm gonna have the bartender 216 00:08:43,060 --> 00:08:44,860 send over two tropical cocktails. 217 00:08:44,888 --> 00:08:46,659 Jess will be all, "Why, thank you." 218 00:08:46,688 --> 00:08:48,933 Nick will be all, "Grandpa didn't get a face full 219 00:08:48,957 --> 00:08:52,466 of Japanese bullets just so you could drink a melted popsicle." 220 00:08:52,469 --> 00:08:53,119 Or... 221 00:08:53,131 --> 00:08:54,830 we could break into a zoo, 222 00:08:54,864 --> 00:08:56,606 steal a bear, 223 00:08:56,660 --> 00:09:00,027 then we shoot that bear full of Hep C, and then we release 224 00:09:00,045 --> 00:09:02,664 that bear in the restaurant right when they order dessert. 225 00:09:02,683 --> 00:09:04,434 - Winston, you're terrible at pranks. - I get that. 226 00:09:04,481 --> 00:09:07,070 You don't think just a bear alone in a restaurant is enough? 227 00:09:07,091 --> 00:09:09,221 - You know who would know what to do? - I do know who would know what to do. 228 00:09:09,244 --> 00:09:10,571 - Nick. - Nick. 229 00:09:12,263 --> 00:09:13,888 We can't call him, right? 230 00:09:18,727 --> 00:09:19,534 Ooh. 231 00:09:19,540 --> 00:09:22,153 They have, uh, Brussels sprouts with pancetta. 232 00:09:22,197 --> 00:09:23,860 That's a fancy name for bacon. 233 00:09:24,248 --> 00:09:25,892 Hold the Brussels sprouts. Am I right? 234 00:09:25,925 --> 00:09:28,650 Everybody loves bacon, Jess-- New topic. 235 00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:31,013 You know, um... 236 00:09:31,270 --> 00:09:33,081 - If this were a date... - Yeah, but it wasn't, Jess... 237 00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:35,288 - But, I mean, if it were... - It wasn't a... 238 00:09:35,812 --> 00:09:38,477 And it's probably good because your ex-boyfriend just 239 00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,077 walked into the restaurant. 240 00:09:40,104 --> 00:09:42,042 - Who? - The only man we both loved. 241 00:09:42,087 --> 00:09:43,266 Russell. 242 00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,572 - Hey. - Hi. 243 00:09:44,610 --> 00:09:47,331 Hi, so this is why you dumped me, huh? 244 00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:48,594 - Oh, well... - No... 245 00:09:48,613 --> 00:09:50,244 Just kidding. I'm glad to see 246 00:09:50,262 --> 00:09:51,350 this is finally happening. 247 00:09:51,368 --> 00:09:52,814 - Nothing's happening, so... - Nothing's happening 248 00:09:52,832 --> 00:09:54,649 because I was never told it was happening, 249 00:09:54,686 --> 00:09:57,885 so if a happening happens and you don't know that it happened, 250 00:09:57,910 --> 00:09:59,326 did it happen, you know? 251 00:09:59,463 --> 00:10:00,249 Right on. 252 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,825 Um, hey, enjoy my lucky table. 253 00:10:03,148 --> 00:10:04,591 I'm Brandy. 254 00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:08,726 Okay. 255 00:10:11,950 --> 00:10:13,419 You know what? 256 00:10:13,856 --> 00:10:16,546 Can we just forget about this date, 257 00:10:16,691 --> 00:10:18,830 or not-date, and... 258 00:10:18,864 --> 00:10:20,378 Maybe start over 259 00:10:20,403 --> 00:10:22,326 and go get a drink at the bar as friends? 260 00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:23,655 Drinking to forget? 261 00:10:23,673 --> 00:10:25,230 That's my sweet spot. 262 00:10:25,705 --> 00:10:27,380 - Let's do that. - Okay. 263 00:10:27,553 --> 00:10:29,754 These clothes are so uncomfortable. 264 00:10:30,227 --> 00:10:32,412 Glad to get it off. In there. 265 00:10:32,855 --> 00:10:34,104 You ready to drink with a friend? 266 00:10:34,123 --> 00:10:35,730 - I am, Jess. - Yes. 267 00:10:35,749 --> 00:10:37,891 Let's do this. 268 00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:41,520 Why isn't the crosswalk here? Just let it out. 269 00:10:41,551 --> 00:10:44,189 - Just let it out. - This is where people want to cross, sir. 270 00:10:44,219 --> 00:10:45,295 We don't need our table. 271 00:10:45,314 --> 00:10:47,361 We're sitting at the bar. Not a date. 272 00:10:47,386 --> 00:10:49,914 Your table's all yours-- not on a date. 273 00:10:49,939 --> 00:10:51,138 I think we're doing too much 274 00:10:51,156 --> 00:10:54,195 brainstorming and not enough good old-fashioned remembering. 275 00:10:54,201 --> 00:10:56,832 What's the worst thing that you've ever experienced on a date? 276 00:10:57,936 --> 00:11:01,631 d I will be your father figure 277 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,899 d put your tiny hand in mine 278 00:11:04,922 --> 00:11:08,055 d I will be your preacher teacher d 279 00:11:08,098 --> 00:11:11,085 d Anything you have in mind 280 00:11:11,116 --> 00:11:14,335 d I will be your father figure 281 00:11:14,356 --> 00:11:17,358 d I have had enough of crime 282 00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:21,169 d I will be the one who loves you d 283 00:11:21,554 --> 00:11:24,896 d Till the end of time. 284 00:11:27,094 --> 00:11:29,137 Outside Dave, my friend Winston here 285 00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:30,787 holds in his hands the lyrics 286 00:11:30,851 --> 00:11:33,015 to sir George Michael's "Father Figure." 287 00:11:33,027 --> 00:11:34,883 - I'm familiar. - What's it gonna take for you to lose 288 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,538 the shirt and go ruin a date for us? 289 00:11:36,544 --> 00:11:38,344 We're willing to pay you handsomely. 290 00:11:38,516 --> 00:11:40,426 Four million U.S. dollars 291 00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:42,556 and a trip to wine country. 292 00:11:46,746 --> 00:11:49,080 I don't have $4 million. 293 00:11:49,465 --> 00:11:50,496 All right, give him that. 294 00:11:50,549 --> 00:11:52,050 I'll tell you what. 295 00:11:52,340 --> 00:11:54,000 25 minutes of TV time 296 00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:56,427 and two home-cooked sandwiches. 297 00:11:58,057 --> 00:12:00,933 One home-cooked sandwich. 298 00:12:02,595 --> 00:12:03,975 - Deal. - Yeah, deal. 299 00:12:04,025 --> 00:12:05,200 Okay, Outside Dave. 300 00:12:05,232 --> 00:12:07,970 Make yourself at home here on the couch, and I'll get started on those sandwiches... 301 00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:09,848 To the laboratory! 302 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,170 Diversion! 303 00:12:12,537 --> 00:12:14,261 Two urinals? 304 00:12:14,292 --> 00:12:15,509 I'm rich! 305 00:12:17,041 --> 00:12:18,475 You both have jobs. 306 00:12:18,485 --> 00:12:19,706 Get another charger. 307 00:12:19,724 --> 00:12:21,058 I love those guys, but they're idiots. 308 00:12:21,083 --> 00:12:23,027 - They are idiots. - They are so dumb. 309 00:12:23,052 --> 00:12:25,031 To their credit, they don't go around 310 00:12:25,055 --> 00:12:27,211 randomly grabbing each other's boobs. 311 00:12:27,337 --> 00:12:29,781 - That we know of. - Randomly? Oh, no way. 312 00:12:29,808 --> 00:12:31,399 You put it out there, Jess. 313 00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:32,542 - What? - Yes, you do. 314 00:12:32,548 --> 00:12:34,172 I do not put it out there. 315 00:12:34,191 --> 00:12:36,078 "Hey, Nick, will you help me open this jar?" 316 00:12:36,103 --> 00:12:36,850 What? 317 00:12:36,869 --> 00:12:38,025 - Yes. - I can't open the jar. 318 00:12:38,052 --> 00:12:39,850 "How do you restart the Internet?" 319 00:12:39,863 --> 00:12:41,623 That's just me suffering through life. 320 00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:43,058 You have to stop, 321 00:12:43,070 --> 00:12:45,582 because it's ridiculously hot. 322 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,498 Okay? 323 00:12:48,098 --> 00:12:50,604 It's... hard for me to deal with, 324 00:12:50,609 --> 00:12:52,215 'cause it's too hot. 325 00:12:53,030 --> 00:12:53,865 All right, fine. 326 00:12:53,883 --> 00:12:56,493 Then you have to stop gargling your beer. 327 00:12:56,716 --> 00:12:58,335 - That's a turn-on? - It's hot. 328 00:12:59,856 --> 00:13:02,031 - That is so weird, that that's a turn-on. - You're like... 329 00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,520 Might as well be in, like, a... 330 00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:05,438 like a hose, spraying you down. 331 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,032 You are out of your mind. 332 00:13:11,193 --> 00:13:12,427 Hey. 333 00:13:13,703 --> 00:13:16,010 Do you want to get some dinner? 334 00:13:18,938 --> 00:13:20,505 Like a... 335 00:13:20,895 --> 00:13:22,645 like a date? 336 00:13:24,259 --> 00:13:26,627 - Yeah. Let's... - Okay. 337 00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:29,668 - Yes! Let's do it! - We're going on a date! 338 00:13:29,715 --> 00:13:30,782 - Yes! - Yes! 339 00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,043 Come on, guys. 340 00:13:35,445 --> 00:13:37,889 Guys, so sorry. Curveball. 341 00:13:37,914 --> 00:13:39,245 We need the table back. 342 00:13:39,279 --> 00:13:40,872 We are on a date. 343 00:13:40,928 --> 00:13:42,805 - We are on a date. - Amazing. 344 00:13:42,832 --> 00:13:45,729 Hey, Marc, could you clear the table but leave the breadsticks? 345 00:13:45,981 --> 00:13:47,956 Actually, don't clear the table, 'cause that looks good. 346 00:13:48,847 --> 00:13:50,203 Could you clear the fish? 347 00:13:53,612 --> 00:13:55,547 I don't want to be too forward, but... 348 00:13:55,581 --> 00:13:58,569 whatever baby wants, baby gets. 349 00:13:58,612 --> 00:13:59,487 Daddy's buying. 350 00:13:59,499 --> 00:14:01,051 Well, look, you keep buying my drinks, 351 00:14:01,061 --> 00:14:02,987 I'll put out no matter what you say. 352 00:14:03,011 --> 00:14:04,498 - Ooh. - I guess the good ones 353 00:14:04,528 --> 00:14:06,559 aren't all married or gay. 354 00:14:07,659 --> 00:14:08,947 How many have we had? 355 00:14:08,972 --> 00:14:10,957 Ooh! 356 00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:13,531 Hey, Russell! 357 00:14:13,592 --> 00:14:14,544 Nice to see you! 358 00:14:14,556 --> 00:14:16,266 Date's going really well. 359 00:14:16,665 --> 00:14:18,288 That's... that's great news. 360 00:14:18,319 --> 00:14:20,127 - Really, really nice to see you guys. - Yeah. 361 00:14:20,145 --> 00:14:21,658 You two are... 362 00:14:22,302 --> 00:14:23,850 really something. 363 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:31,045 "Really something." What does that mean? 364 00:14:31,345 --> 00:14:33,205 - Hmm. - You know, we're having a great date. 365 00:14:33,224 --> 00:14:34,467 - Right? - Who cares what he thinks? 366 00:14:34,486 --> 00:14:36,140 - Who cares what he says? - I don't... agree. 367 00:14:43,071 --> 00:14:44,677 - Hey! Hey, Russell! - Hey! 368 00:14:44,696 --> 00:14:46,377 - Oh, God. Where's my car? - Hey, you said we were 369 00:14:46,402 --> 00:14:48,445 - "really something..." and we want to know what that means. - What does that mean? 370 00:14:48,465 --> 00:14:50,546 - Yeah. - This may come as a shock, 371 00:14:50,569 --> 00:14:52,527 but I have no opinion about you two. 372 00:14:52,551 --> 00:14:54,677 Did you valet? God, that is classy. 373 00:14:54,689 --> 00:14:56,475 You know what? You can't just tell 374 00:14:56,518 --> 00:14:58,889 two people that they're "really something" 375 00:14:58,908 --> 00:15:00,277 and just walk away. 376 00:15:00,296 --> 00:15:01,917 Fine. You-you want to know what I meant? 377 00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,205 - Yes! - You live together and you had three dates tonight. 378 00:15:04,347 --> 00:15:05,760 What's that? 379 00:15:05,908 --> 00:15:09,434 I think you guys don't really know what you are to each other. Right? 380 00:15:09,452 --> 00:15:11,816 - Well, you're wrong. No, you're wrong. Yeah. - You are wrong, because we know what we are... 381 00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:13,390 We do know... yeah. We know what we are. 382 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,625 Okay, this'll be fun. 383 00:15:14,638 --> 00:15:17,057 Tell you what. Why don't you write it down? 384 00:15:17,326 --> 00:15:18,545 Seriously. 385 00:15:18,597 --> 00:15:20,247 Write down what you think this is. 386 00:15:20,265 --> 00:15:21,612 Is this a relationship, 387 00:15:21,631 --> 00:15:23,838 a one-night stand, above the waist only? 388 00:15:23,987 --> 00:15:24,794 No wrong answers. 389 00:15:24,806 --> 00:15:26,383 - You had two pens on you this whole time? - Well, sure. 390 00:15:26,405 --> 00:15:28,399 - That's the move right there. - You better believe it. 391 00:15:34,649 --> 00:15:37,474 This is so much better than the gutter! 392 00:15:37,505 --> 00:15:40,111 I'm calling the Police, I'm calling the D.A., I'm calling somebody. 393 00:15:40,130 --> 00:15:42,966 - Mmm, smells like ladies in here. - Damn it. My battery's dead. 394 00:15:42,978 --> 00:15:46,035 Yeah, mine, too. Where is the charger? 395 00:15:48,154 --> 00:15:50,663 Schmidt, you put the charger back in the bathroom? 396 00:15:50,682 --> 00:15:52,935 I'm sorry, okay? I thought it was the neutralest room. 397 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,879 Three, two, one... 398 00:15:55,029 --> 00:15:56,596 ...zero! 399 00:16:01,206 --> 00:16:02,713 - Let's just go, Brandy. - Wait. No, no, no, no. 400 00:16:02,736 --> 00:16:05,367 - Don't go. Yeah, I got it, too. Me, too. - I got this, I got this. 401 00:16:05,385 --> 00:16:06,155 There it is. 402 00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:07,928 Okay. Figured it out. 403 00:16:08,655 --> 00:16:11,211 - Good. Great. - Great. - Okay. 404 00:16:14,190 --> 00:16:16,392 Y-you know what? This wasn't such a good idea. 405 00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:17,657 Maybe just forget I thought of it. 406 00:16:17,682 --> 00:16:19,241 - We're just gonna go. All right? - Yeah. Yeah. 407 00:16:19,278 --> 00:16:20,695 It's best that way. 408 00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:23,310 - What did you write? - What did you write? 409 00:16:23,703 --> 00:16:25,378 - Russell, Russell, hey. - Russell, we have to get 410 00:16:25,390 --> 00:16:26,959 to the bottom of this. - Okay, move it, move it. 411 00:16:26,965 --> 00:16:28,590 Excuse me, sir. 412 00:16:29,166 --> 00:16:30,900 The crosswalk... geez. 413 00:16:31,028 --> 00:16:32,228 Sorry. 414 00:16:32,981 --> 00:16:34,948 Oh, my gosh. 415 00:16:37,614 --> 00:16:39,676 Hair sauce! 416 00:16:39,775 --> 00:16:42,364 - Hair sauce? Oh, my God. - Mmm, feels like mud. 417 00:16:42,382 --> 00:16:44,774 If he even looks at my pomade caddy, 418 00:16:44,793 --> 00:16:46,996 I will turn every hobo in the city against him. 419 00:16:47,014 --> 00:16:49,604 I will poison every pie on every windowsill. 420 00:16:49,623 --> 00:16:52,370 He doesn't steal pies from windowsills. 421 00:16:52,401 --> 00:16:55,683 He is a real-life homeless person. 422 00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:57,123 We need to call the cops. 423 00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:59,500 Oh, I'm sorry, we can't. You know why? 424 00:16:59,529 --> 00:17:02,179 - Yeah, your phone's dead. - Because of you, Schmidt. 425 00:17:02,216 --> 00:17:03,967 You want to know why I'd rather hang out with Nick? 426 00:17:03,986 --> 00:17:05,439 - Shh. What is that? - Time to cut the grass. 427 00:17:05,445 --> 00:17:07,230 He's using my four-in-one groomer. 428 00:17:07,254 --> 00:17:08,012 I'm going in there. 429 00:17:08,030 --> 00:17:09,589 - No! Schmidt! Absolutely not! - I'm going in there, man. 430 00:17:09,613 --> 00:17:12,272 You hear that? Because that... that is not the fourth use. 431 00:17:12,301 --> 00:17:14,465 - There's no sanctioned fifth use! - Hey, Schmidt! Schmidt! 432 00:17:14,483 --> 00:17:16,302 - Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! - He's using it for a fifth use! 433 00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:17,471 Nick is gonna be home soon. 434 00:17:17,490 --> 00:17:19,349 Okay? And then everything will be fine. 435 00:17:19,380 --> 00:17:20,841 - Nick will know what to do. - There's no time. 436 00:17:20,853 --> 00:17:22,372 - I'm going to the roof. - What are you... Schmidt, 437 00:17:22,391 --> 00:17:24,804 why are you going up... - Oh, my gosh, it's full of bugs. 438 00:17:26,166 --> 00:17:27,147 Nick, 439 00:17:27,159 --> 00:17:29,403 I need to know how you feel. 440 00:17:29,521 --> 00:17:30,858 What did you write on that card? 441 00:17:30,877 --> 00:17:33,449 Well, what did you write on your card? 442 00:17:33,962 --> 00:17:35,637 - Let's say it at the same time, - Okay. 443 00:17:35,649 --> 00:17:37,452 on the count of three. 444 00:17:38,079 --> 00:17:40,447 One, two, three... 445 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:47,680 Okay. 446 00:17:47,698 --> 00:17:48,928 From now on, 447 00:17:49,009 --> 00:17:50,672 no funny business. 448 00:17:50,834 --> 00:17:52,894 We do middle school dance rules. 449 00:17:52,929 --> 00:17:55,564 Three feet on the floor, no body hugs. 450 00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:57,541 - Is that what you want? - Yeah. 451 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,041 - You sure? - Yeah. 452 00:18:01,783 --> 00:18:03,577 - Okay. - Great. 453 00:18:04,673 --> 00:18:05,698 You got it. 454 00:18:05,722 --> 00:18:07,027 Wonderful. 455 00:18:11,827 --> 00:18:13,575 - Really? - I... 456 00:18:15,268 --> 00:18:17,167 They've got a great squish to 'em. 457 00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:19,680 - I couldn't stop thinking about it. - Can't argue with you. 458 00:18:20,187 --> 00:18:22,010 Wow, you can see my skin. 459 00:18:23,314 --> 00:18:24,948 Oh, good lord. 460 00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:26,865 Hot damn! 461 00:18:30,158 --> 00:18:30,973 You got this. 462 00:18:31,018 --> 00:18:32,822 You got this. Whoa. 463 00:18:33,333 --> 00:18:34,773 What are you doing? 464 00:18:34,797 --> 00:18:36,647 - Stop moving. - Get off of me! 465 00:18:36,678 --> 00:18:37,841 Hey, Schmidt! 466 00:18:38,059 --> 00:18:39,500 - He's got my leg! - Outside Dave, 467 00:18:39,523 --> 00:18:40,670 man, what's happening in there? 468 00:18:40,688 --> 00:18:42,790 - What are you d... - Schmidt! 469 00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:44,410 Please! No! 470 00:18:44,472 --> 00:18:45,921 He's real homeless! 471 00:18:46,850 --> 00:18:48,306 - No! Get off! - Come on. Come on! 472 00:18:48,324 --> 00:18:50,299 If you're hurting him, I swear... oh, my... 473 00:18:50,311 --> 00:18:51,510 It's shorts weather. 474 00:18:51,527 --> 00:18:53,682 Everybody's gonna want to dance with you. 475 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,668 Well, you're going against the grain, you animal! 476 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:57,084 Is he shaving your legs? 477 00:18:57,121 --> 00:18:59,176 Winston! Thank goodness! Catch me. 478 00:18:59,201 --> 00:19:00,551 I got... 479 00:19:00,602 --> 00:19:03,033 I was about to catch you, and then you just fell. 480 00:19:05,485 --> 00:19:06,518 You just saved my life. 481 00:19:06,537 --> 00:19:08,533 Anything, man, as long as you're okay. 482 00:19:09,013 --> 00:19:09,826 You're okay? 483 00:19:09,844 --> 00:19:11,124 Well, I don't know. 484 00:19:11,257 --> 00:19:13,058 You break that whole thing down, there was... 485 00:19:13,454 --> 00:19:15,365 A homeless man was just shaving my leg. 486 00:19:15,390 --> 00:19:16,746 Yeah. 487 00:19:18,675 --> 00:19:20,076 Hey, man. 488 00:19:20,504 --> 00:19:22,138 Winston and Schmidt. 489 00:19:23,248 --> 00:19:24,130 Winston and Schmidt. 490 00:19:24,148 --> 00:19:25,379 - All right! - Okay. 491 00:19:25,411 --> 00:19:26,511 - Yeah. - All right, man. 492 00:19:26,529 --> 00:19:28,992 How long have the two of you been the best of friends? 493 00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:30,702 Longer than we ever knew. 494 00:19:30,749 --> 00:19:33,441 I will say it's hard to have a moment with you when there's a homeless dude 495 00:19:33,467 --> 00:19:35,213 dropping a deuce in our urinal. 496 00:19:38,284 --> 00:19:40,403 - We never actually ate, so... - Yeah, I know. 497 00:19:40,415 --> 00:19:41,974 I'm getting a snack. I'm going to bed. 498 00:19:41,992 --> 00:19:43,737 - Can I have some of these? - Sure. 499 00:19:53,944 --> 00:19:55,125 Jess, I can help you. 500 00:19:55,155 --> 00:19:56,683 I got it. 501 00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:00,111 I got it. 502 00:20:00,192 --> 00:20:01,716 I don't even n... I don't even... 503 00:20:01,741 --> 00:20:03,378 I don't even want... 504 00:20:14,351 --> 00:20:15,270 Thank you. 505 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:16,449 You're welcome. 506 00:20:16,888 --> 00:20:18,415 I'm gonna go to bed now. 507 00:20:18,444 --> 00:20:19,711 Okay. 508 00:20:23,416 --> 00:20:25,242 Don't. 509 00:20:31,170 --> 00:20:33,271 I have to go to sleep. 510 00:20:33,487 --> 00:20:34,887 I'll walk with you. 511 00:20:48,991 --> 00:20:50,792 Good night, Miller. 512 00:20:50,864 --> 00:20:52,698 Good night, Day. 513 00:21:05,722 --> 00:21:07,479 d Love put me wise 514 00:21:07,526 --> 00:21:09,394 d to her love in disguise 515 00:21:09,427 --> 00:21:11,395 d she had the body of Venus 516 00:21:11,423 --> 00:21:13,891 d lord, imagine my surprise 517 00:21:13,907 --> 00:21:15,608 d ah, ah 518 00:21:15,616 --> 00:21:17,763 d dude looks like a lady 519 00:21:17,787 --> 00:21:19,508 d oh, oh 520 00:21:19,534 --> 00:21:21,673 d dude looks like a lady 521 00:21:21,691 --> 00:21:23,467 d oh, oh 522 00:21:23,499 --> 00:21:25,717 d dude looks like a lady 523 00:21:25,735 --> 00:21:27,486 d ow, ow 524 00:21:27,505 --> 00:21:30,417 d dude looks like a lady 525 00:21:30,482 --> 00:21:33,195 d ow... 526 00:21:33,230 --> 00:21:35,504 Like the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. 527 00:21:35,803 --> 00:21:38,760 d Dude looks like a lady. 528 00:21:38,824 --> 00:21:43,824 Sync and corrections by Norther