1
00:00:01,491 --> 00:00:03,646
Hey, Elizabeth, what
are we doing tonight?
2
00:00:03,669 --> 00:00:04,985
Dexter and pie.
3
00:00:05,012 --> 00:00:06,740
Girl, you treat me right.
4
00:00:07,135 --> 00:00:10,026
Hey, there she is,
my one and only.
5
00:00:11,503 --> 00:00:14,395
Oh, thank God, coffee. I
barely slept last night.
6
00:00:14,420 --> 00:00:15,520
Yeah, me, too.
7
00:00:15,552 --> 00:00:18,482
I think I passed out for, like, 25 minutes
when you jammed that sock down my throat.
8
00:00:18,514 --> 00:00:20,483
- I aim to please.
- Aw...
9
00:00:20,507 --> 00:00:22,537
Hey, why don't we all go on a double date?
10
00:00:22,573 --> 00:00:24,842
- What are you guys doing tonight?
- Yeah.
11
00:00:25,045 --> 00:00:26,577
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
12
00:00:26,607 --> 00:00:27,988
- Today's tonight?
- Yeah.
13
00:00:28,017 --> 00:00:30,140
Tonight... meaning changes
every day, doesn't it?
14
00:00:30,165 --> 00:00:32,028
- Come on, Schmidt.
- I'm sure he's got other plans.
15
00:00:32,041 --> 00:00:34,935
- You've got other plans, right?
- Plans? Not me.
16
00:00:34,975 --> 00:00:37,017
I don't even... I mean... Yeah!
17
00:00:37,048 --> 00:00:39,920
- What the hell is going on?
- What?
18
00:00:41,180 --> 00:00:44,315
♪ Double-double-double-double date! ♪
19
00:00:44,474 --> 00:00:46,041
Rock, rock and roll.
20
00:00:46,339 --> 00:00:48,495
I don't think I exactly
understand the energy here,
21
00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:49,856
but yeah, I mean,
it sounds great.
22
00:00:49,892 --> 00:00:52,612
Hey, you want to split that
pasta from last night, hmm?
23
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:56,953
♪ Winston and Furguson 'bout
to split some pasta. ♪
24
00:00:57,994 --> 00:01:00,694
Yeah, man, you know I
got "wuv" for you.
25
00:01:00,864 --> 00:01:02,362
Got nothing but love for you.
26
00:01:02,387 --> 00:01:04,773
Go ahead, chill out, man,
I'll make you some coffee.
27
00:01:07,687 --> 00:01:08,780
What?
28
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:11,640
So what are y'all talking
about, going on dates?
29
00:01:12,952 --> 00:01:15,893
Oh, y'all are talking about that.
Okay, cool.
30
00:01:16,418 --> 00:01:18,119
Nobody invited me.
31
00:01:18,734 --> 00:01:20,253
Is it 'cause I'm single?
32
00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:23,323
I mean, I... I know I'm single.
I'm okay with it.
33
00:01:23,342 --> 00:01:25,492
It was a choice that I made...
34
00:01:25,847 --> 00:01:27,414
as a man...
35
00:01:27,439 --> 00:01:29,558
to be alone. Don't nobody
know you like you,
36
00:01:29,572 --> 00:01:32,925
so I'm... I'm choosing
to know myself, who I am.
37
00:01:33,013 --> 00:01:35,269
And if that's okay with
you all, can I come?
38
00:01:35,297 --> 00:01:36,797
All right, where should
we go tonight, you guys?
39
00:01:36,807 --> 00:01:38,004
What about that new spot Picca?
40
00:01:38,028 --> 00:01:41,228
- A day-of rezzie at Picca?
- You guys don't think I can do it, huh?
41
00:01:41,359 --> 00:01:43,354
Well, funk that.
42
00:01:43,672 --> 00:01:46,027
Bishop can get a table
at a chair store.
43
00:01:46,051 --> 00:01:47,225
Well, that's it, then.
44
00:01:47,255 --> 00:01:50,013
- Double date plus one!
- You know what would be nuts?
45
00:01:50,174 --> 00:01:52,157
If I brought my cat Furguson as a date.
46
00:01:52,181 --> 00:01:53,915
Ah, don't do that.
47
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,315
♪ Hey, girl ♪
48
00:01:58,724 --> 00:02:01,238
♪ What you doing? ♪
49
00:02:01,535 --> 00:02:03,857
♪ Hey, girl ♪
50
00:02:04,202 --> 00:02:06,367
♪ Where you going? ♪
51
00:02:06,405 --> 00:02:09,130
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
52
00:02:09,143 --> 00:02:10,601
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
53
00:02:10,643 --> 00:02:12,543
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
54
00:02:12,575 --> 00:02:16,830
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
55
00:02:17,492 --> 00:02:18,492
Hey, listen.
56
00:02:19,585 --> 00:02:20,923
What is that sound?
57
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,961
Sounds like a gravel driveway in there.
58
00:02:22,992 --> 00:02:24,555
Seventh grade.
59
00:02:24,793 --> 00:02:27,428
Pumping my fist too
hard at a Weird Al show.
60
00:02:28,644 --> 00:02:29,530
Go away!
61
00:02:29,547 --> 00:02:30,879
Hey, Jess, can you talk? Oh.
62
00:02:30,910 --> 00:02:33,065
Yeah, yeah, totally.
How'd I get so lucky?
63
00:02:33,084 --> 00:02:34,278
My bro and my ho.
64
00:02:34,292 --> 00:02:35,992
My penis... it's
gonna be exposed.
65
00:02:36,003 --> 00:02:37,084
It's okay, just cover up.
66
00:02:37,097 --> 00:02:39,053
- Okay, no, but I don't feel comfortable.
- It's about Schmidt.
67
00:02:39,069 --> 00:02:42,192
Okay, I'm not involved in this at all.
Hiding from the world.
68
00:02:42,211 --> 00:02:43,722
You can't see me, I can't see you.
69
00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:47,499
I know this sounds totally paranoid,
but I think he's on drugs.
70
00:02:47,523 --> 00:02:49,620
Schmidt on drugs?
71
00:02:49,658 --> 00:02:52,533
Okay, not getting
involved starting now.
72
00:02:52,548 --> 00:02:53,599
I'm with Nick here.
73
00:02:53,613 --> 00:02:55,848
You remember how hard he took
it when Lance got busted.
74
00:02:55,873 --> 00:02:57,921
He just stared at that
yellow bracelet and cried.
75
00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,552
I know you're right, but...
76
00:02:59,571 --> 00:03:03,162
- You're coming in? - ... It's just like
he's had this crazy energy lately.
77
00:03:03,186 --> 00:03:06,353
And did you see how insane he was when
we were talking about the double date?
78
00:03:06,379 --> 00:03:09,110
Also, he has just, like,
stopped blinking.
79
00:03:09,232 --> 00:03:11,007
- Is that whippits?
- Well, Nick can talk to him.
80
00:03:11,031 --> 00:03:12,128
No, I'm not gonna talk to him.
81
00:03:12,140 --> 00:03:14,457
I called that I wasn't gonna be involved;
those calls have to be respected.
82
00:03:14,470 --> 00:03:16,771
If you talk to him,
I'll give you a treat.
83
00:03:16,824 --> 00:03:18,458
Bedroom treat or kitchen treat?
84
00:03:18,487 --> 00:03:21,055
Oh, I'm just a country lawyer
85
00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:23,801
and I have a very,
very itchy bra.
86
00:03:23,836 --> 00:03:27,377
Well, perhaps I can get underneath.
I've got worker's hands.
87
00:03:27,401 --> 00:03:31,227
It's very itchy in so many
different little places.
88
00:03:31,269 --> 00:03:33,062
Let me see.
89
00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:34,900
You guys are being really,
really gross right now.
90
00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:37,493
- I keep forgetting you're in here.
- I think you made a really good point.
91
00:03:37,511 --> 00:03:39,914
Maybe he is just,
like, really into me.
92
00:03:39,939 --> 00:03:43,315
I mean, he has, like, stepped
up his bed game a lot.
93
00:03:43,340 --> 00:03:44,955
It is so not about him anymore.
94
00:03:44,973 --> 00:03:47,778
That's disgusting. Let me know
when that treat's gonna happen.
95
00:03:47,790 --> 00:03:49,855
And, Cece, I'm sorry about
this, but I'm gonna stand up
96
00:03:49,873 --> 00:03:52,270
and you're gonna see my penis, and when
I walk out, you're gonna see my butt.
97
00:03:52,294 --> 00:03:53,763
Let's do this.
98
00:03:53,795 --> 00:03:54,795
Oh.
99
00:03:56,588 --> 00:04:00,681
Ah, excuse me, excuse
me, excuse me.
100
00:04:00,706 --> 00:04:02,239
Sorry.
101
00:04:05,270 --> 00:04:06,789
Yeah, so that's glass.
102
00:04:06,859 --> 00:04:08,793
That ain't no mint.
103
00:04:09,479 --> 00:04:10,335
Nope.
104
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:13,624
Definitely glass, and I swallowed that,
so you should consider, uh, a sign.
105
00:04:13,648 --> 00:04:16,242
- Do you have a reservation? - You know,
it's funny that you would ask that because,
106
00:04:16,267 --> 00:04:19,287
you know, I tried to call, like, 20
times, and I couldn't get through,
107
00:04:19,310 --> 00:04:22,262
but, uh, I'm looking for a reservation
for tonight around 8:00 p.m.
108
00:04:22,281 --> 00:04:23,656
Let's say, like, five people.
109
00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:26,108
- I have an 8:30.
- Ah, kind of had our heart set on 8:00.
110
00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:29,334
- Seven weeks from now.
- Wait, what, what? No, n-n-n-n-no.
111
00:04:29,346 --> 00:04:32,025
Look, there's got to be
something that you can do.
112
00:04:32,044 --> 00:04:34,940
Well, you could try your
luck at the community table.
113
00:04:35,836 --> 00:04:38,594
Community... hell, no. Listen,
um, sorry, you don't understand.
114
00:04:38,619 --> 00:04:41,425
This has to be an
official reservation.
115
00:04:41,939 --> 00:04:43,113
No.
116
00:04:43,243 --> 00:04:45,476
I'll tell you what,
maybe this will
117
00:04:45,507 --> 00:04:47,282
change...
118
00:04:47,482 --> 00:04:49,688
your mind.
119
00:04:54,996 --> 00:04:56,722
"I owe you a hundred dollars."
120
00:04:56,747 --> 00:04:59,062
Oh, hell no. No, that...
121
00:04:59,423 --> 00:05:01,525
that was supposed to be a ten.
122
00:05:08,184 --> 00:05:09,960
Whoa, you got there
faster than I thought.
123
00:05:09,997 --> 00:05:13,428
Hey, so this is weird and it's only gonna
take a second of your time, but, uh...
124
00:05:13,441 --> 00:05:16,275
and I probably already know the
answer, but are you on drugs?
125
00:05:16,569 --> 00:05:18,766
I know the answer is no, so
I'll just see you later, man.
126
00:05:18,790 --> 00:05:20,934
- Get in my room.
- Don't want to be part of it!
127
00:05:22,472 --> 00:05:24,306
Did you crack my
e-mail password?
128
00:05:24,971 --> 00:05:26,233
How did you guess "Smithereens"?
129
00:05:26,258 --> 00:05:28,756
Are you really on drugs?
Talk to me, Schmidt.
130
00:05:28,768 --> 00:05:30,981
I'm in way over my head, Nick,
I'm doing something terrible.
131
00:05:31,002 --> 00:05:32,458
Well, what is it, man?
132
00:05:32,497 --> 00:05:35,197
- You're going to get mad at me.
- I'm your best friend.
133
00:05:35,215 --> 00:05:38,825
Okay, I was there for you when you fell
off the deck at Chester's graduation.
134
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,304
Oh, no.
135
00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:44,910
And I'm here for you now.
136
00:05:44,956 --> 00:05:47,337
There's nothing you could
say that I'd get mad at.
137
00:05:47,375 --> 00:05:50,632
O... okay, um, I can do this.
138
00:05:51,572 --> 00:05:55,416
Do you know how I broke up with Elizabeth
so that I could start dating Cece again?
139
00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:56,910
Absolutely, and it was really hard for you.
140
00:05:56,922 --> 00:05:58,960
Yeah, that actually never happened.
141
00:05:59,829 --> 00:06:01,235
What do you mean?
142
00:06:01,271 --> 00:06:03,072
I'm still dating Elizabeth.
143
00:06:03,525 --> 00:06:04,775
What do you mean?
144
00:06:04,788 --> 00:06:06,588
I'm dating both of them, and
neither one of them knows it,
145
00:06:06,624 --> 00:06:09,159
- and I feel terrible about it.
- But Elizabeth is gone.
146
00:06:09,649 --> 00:06:11,011
- What do you mean?
- She's not gone.
147
00:06:11,035 --> 00:06:12,061
So you broke up with Cece...
148
00:06:12,086 --> 00:06:13,905
I didn't break up with
either one of them.
149
00:06:13,930 --> 00:06:16,236
- What do you mean? - You process this
however you need to process it.
150
00:06:16,248 --> 00:06:18,337
- If you want to keep talking it out...
- Which one are you dating?
151
00:06:18,362 --> 00:06:19,668
- Both.
- Are you dating Cece?
152
00:06:19,683 --> 00:06:21,321
- I'm dating Cece.
- Are you dating Elizabeth?
153
00:06:21,346 --> 00:06:22,409
- Yes.
- How do you do that?
154
00:06:22,427 --> 00:06:24,597
- They made me choose.
- You have to choose.
155
00:06:24,765 --> 00:06:26,553
- You can't have both women.
- What was I supposed to do?
156
00:06:26,577 --> 00:06:28,708
What, you think you can
have a bunch of wives?!
157
00:06:29,030 --> 00:06:30,362
You got one wife!
158
00:06:30,401 --> 00:06:31,920
This is the way the world works!
159
00:06:31,939 --> 00:06:33,992
- Why?!
- I don't know.
160
00:06:34,017 --> 00:06:36,290
I feel terrible about this,
I don't know what to do.
161
00:06:36,471 --> 00:06:38,134
How could you do this
with Jess's best friend?
162
00:06:38,159 --> 00:06:40,282
I don't know, I feel
really badly about it!
163
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:43,565
In your little brain,
164
00:06:43,665 --> 00:06:46,367
- how do you see this ending?
- I see it ending badly.
165
00:06:46,389 --> 00:06:48,760
I see it ending very, very badly.
166
00:06:48,778 --> 00:06:50,366
But you know what? I just...
167
00:06:51,451 --> 00:06:52,701
I want to thank you, though,
168
00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:54,447
- just for being there for me...
- No.
169
00:06:54,463 --> 00:06:56,138
- and for listening to me. - I'm not
listening to you and I'm not there for you.
170
00:06:56,162 --> 00:06:57,965
- Because now we're in this together.
- We're not in this together
171
00:06:57,996 --> 00:07:01,803
and I'm not listening and I'm not being
there, so just stop telling me things!
172
00:07:01,828 --> 00:07:04,647
- What would you like me to do with this
information? - Well, it really helped me to tell you.
173
00:07:04,669 --> 00:07:07,050
- You should tell somebody,
get it off your chest. - I can't.
174
00:07:07,075 --> 00:07:08,613
- You know what I mean?
- Like... who?
175
00:07:08,632 --> 00:07:09,939
Well, certainly not Jess.
176
00:07:09,957 --> 00:07:13,102
Don't ever tell Jess. The one
person you can't tell is Jess.
177
00:07:15,384 --> 00:07:16,897
Hello, Picca?
178
00:07:16,990 --> 00:07:18,920
Yes, I need a table for five.
179
00:07:18,957 --> 00:07:21,197
This is author Toni Morrison.
180
00:07:21,695 --> 00:07:22,882
I am?
181
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:23,858
Well, oh, yeah?
182
00:07:23,872 --> 00:07:25,378
Well, I think you're a woman!
183
00:07:25,652 --> 00:07:26,485
Hello?
184
00:07:26,505 --> 00:07:29,058
Okay, here's what it is.
Just lie to her, Nick.
185
00:07:29,486 --> 00:07:31,598
It's a relationship... men and women
lie to each other all the time;
186
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:33,842
it's what makes marriages work.
Just lie...
187
00:07:33,925 --> 00:07:37,494
Oh, you can lie... Yes,
I talked to Schmidt.
188
00:07:37,697 --> 00:07:41,036
Don't act like an alien;
just lie to a woman. It's...
189
00:07:42,542 --> 00:07:44,442
Yeah, I talked to Schmidt. It's
fine, it's not a big deal.
190
00:07:44,473 --> 00:07:45,773
Hey, Nick.
191
00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:47,793
How was your day?
192
00:07:48,983 --> 00:07:50,427
Nothing...
193
00:07:51,272 --> 00:07:53,341
Why are you wearing a helmet?
194
00:07:54,136 --> 00:07:56,578
Oh, hi.
195
00:07:58,216 --> 00:07:59,961
Don't tease me, Nick.
196
00:07:59,973 --> 00:08:02,306
Are we finally gonna
do no-kiss sex?
197
00:08:02,796 --> 00:08:04,333
Oh, yes.
198
00:08:11,519 --> 00:08:13,440
Sorry about that.
199
00:08:14,277 --> 00:08:15,633
Look at us.
200
00:08:15,657 --> 00:08:19,892
Community table, like
a little community.
201
00:08:37,591 --> 00:08:39,116
Call that seat.
202
00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:40,243
That's my seat.
203
00:08:40,267 --> 00:08:41,118
- Come on.
- Yeah.
204
00:08:41,124 --> 00:08:43,191
Oh, no, where are y'all going?
205
00:08:43,209 --> 00:08:45,185
Dibs on those seats,
dibs on that.
206
00:08:45,197 --> 00:08:47,623
Put that for me right there. Hey,
put that right there for me.
207
00:08:48,193 --> 00:08:49,580
That was amazing.
208
00:08:49,611 --> 00:08:52,292
Jess, you know so many
Spaceballs quotes.
209
00:08:52,311 --> 00:08:55,686
They jam the radar
with literal jam.
210
00:08:56,052 --> 00:08:58,994
Oh, hey, did you ever
talk to Schmidt?
211
00:09:01,164 --> 00:09:02,764
What's going on, Nick?
212
00:09:03,736 --> 00:09:06,043
Schmidt! Hey!
213
00:09:06,358 --> 00:09:08,090
My best friend?!
214
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:09,972
You Long Island street trash!
215
00:09:09,985 --> 00:09:12,222
- Damn it, Nick, you told her?
- No, he didn't tell me!
216
00:09:12,234 --> 00:09:13,503
I... I happened upon it.
217
00:09:13,528 --> 00:09:15,451
Oh, you happened upon it?
Where, in the town square?
218
00:09:15,468 --> 00:09:17,999
Jess, I never wanted to be
involved in this. You're so pretty.
219
00:09:18,017 --> 00:09:20,068
Put your freakin' visor down.
220
00:09:20,311 --> 00:09:23,801
Now, you... you're gonna
tell Cece or I will, you...
221
00:09:23,826 --> 00:09:25,407
you crumb bum!
222
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:27,295
- Jess... Yes, well said.
- You crumb bum.
223
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,095
- You are a lowlife.
- I... I get it.
224
00:09:29,112 --> 00:09:31,439
- How could you do this to her?
- Jess, I am so sorry.
225
00:09:31,464 --> 00:09:34,270
I made up a dance so
everyone will be happy.
226
00:09:37,308 --> 00:09:39,524
Cece's gonna walk through
that door any minute,
227
00:09:39,548 --> 00:09:42,459
- and you have to tell her the truth.
- Jess, please, this would wreck her.
228
00:09:42,557 --> 00:09:43,788
I'm begging you.
229
00:09:43,824 --> 00:09:45,955
I... I know you don't believe
me, but I do care about her.
230
00:09:45,974 --> 00:09:49,150
Either you tell her
or I will, Schmidt.
231
00:09:54,753 --> 00:09:56,135
You're right.
232
00:09:57,494 --> 00:09:58,992
I'll tell her.
233
00:10:04,577 --> 00:10:07,813
Yo, what it be?
Double date night!
234
00:10:08,857 --> 00:10:11,018
What's, uh, what's going on?
235
00:10:11,573 --> 00:10:12,852
Tell her.
236
00:10:14,229 --> 00:10:17,317
- Tell her.
- Okay, okay.
237
00:10:20,010 --> 00:10:22,149
We're taking two cars. It's
faster that way because of gas.
238
00:10:22,161 --> 00:10:23,311
- No phones.
- What?
239
00:10:23,342 --> 00:10:24,717
Here you go; I got the door, it's okay.
240
00:10:24,746 --> 00:10:26,505
- Go!
- Go!
241
00:10:29,650 --> 00:10:32,361
- Cigarette, phone call, bathroom.
- Okay.
242
00:10:38,293 --> 00:10:40,397
Sir, you're clearly alone.
We're gonna need this table.
243
00:10:40,428 --> 00:10:43,141
Okay, so what do you think...
that over the past two hours,
244
00:10:43,153 --> 00:10:46,495
I, as a single person, have
ordered eight separate entrees
245
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,295
and have taken bites
of different sizes
246
00:10:48,319 --> 00:10:51,584
of each of them to create some
sort of pointless illusion?
247
00:10:52,103 --> 00:10:54,597
Do you know how
insane you sound?
248
00:10:56,107 --> 00:10:58,208
God, I hate this job.
249
00:11:00,844 --> 00:11:03,411
- You need to slow down.
- I got it. Don't worry.
250
00:11:03,461 --> 00:11:06,369
What's going on, man? You guys were
acting all so weird back there,
251
00:11:06,393 --> 00:11:08,631
and you're driving
like a maniac.
252
00:11:09,026 --> 00:11:11,431
Oh, geez. You know, I didn't want
to have to say anything, but...
253
00:11:11,461 --> 00:11:12,607
What?
254
00:11:13,361 --> 00:11:14,155
Here we go.
255
00:11:14,179 --> 00:11:17,313
- Nick is cheating on Jess! Aah!
- What?!
256
00:11:17,409 --> 00:11:19,603
Apparently, they met
at some gas station.
257
00:11:19,627 --> 00:11:21,777
She's much older.
Much, much older.
258
00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:24,627
Deeply Korean. I just found out.
259
00:11:24,655 --> 00:11:26,275
And, I mean, Nick is
my best friend and all,
260
00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:29,578
but I can't even be in the same
room as that scumbag right now!
261
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,395
Oh, I'm so mad! I'm
just so, so mad!
262
00:11:32,420 --> 00:11:34,125
I'm terribly angry about
the whole situation.
263
00:11:34,156 --> 00:11:35,538
I can't even drive. Take the wheel.
264
00:11:35,787 --> 00:11:38,386
Oh, why, God?! He
was the best of us!
265
00:11:38,412 --> 00:11:41,042
- Cece, please. You're veering everywhere.
- Sorry.
266
00:11:41,331 --> 00:11:43,511
Oh, Nick, go, go!
267
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:46,242
We're gonna lose them! You keep
nerd-stopping at every sign!
268
00:11:46,267 --> 00:11:49,136
Look, if I get another ticket, they're
gonna make me wear eyeglasses.
269
00:11:49,218 --> 00:11:51,225
Why didn't you get involved back there?
270
00:11:51,395 --> 00:11:54,681
Look, look, here's the reality.
Yes, Schmidt is my best friend,
271
00:11:54,694 --> 00:11:58,257
- and he's also really scary.
- You are so afraid of everything.
272
00:11:58,281 --> 00:12:00,170
Oh, really? Would a
man afraid of everything
273
00:12:00,189 --> 00:12:02,895
- put his finger in a cigarette lighter?
- I don't know...
274
00:12:02,929 --> 00:12:04,967
- Don't do that. That's just stupid!
- I'm not gonna do that.
275
00:12:04,992 --> 00:12:05,767
You wimp.
276
00:12:05,785 --> 00:12:07,898
- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, my God!
277
00:12:07,917 --> 00:12:09,576
- Jess, are you okay?
- It really hurts.
278
00:12:09,581 --> 00:12:11,317
- Oh, my Lord, are...
- It's so hot!
279
00:12:11,329 --> 00:12:12,947
- Come here. Are you okay?
- Yeah.
280
00:12:12,965 --> 00:12:14,546
Are you okay? Look,
I'm gonna do it.
281
00:12:14,558 --> 00:12:15,777
- Ow!
- Oh.
282
00:12:15,854 --> 00:12:18,988
- Why did you do that? - So that we were
both in the same amount of pain!
283
00:12:19,045 --> 00:12:20,252
I'm gonna junk-punch him.
284
00:12:20,277 --> 00:12:21,854
Turn the car around. We're
going to the restaurant.
285
00:12:21,879 --> 00:12:24,420
Why would you...? That seems rash.
Maybe... I don't know.
286
00:12:24,445 --> 00:12:25,951
Maybe staying away for a while,
287
00:12:25,975 --> 00:12:28,579
or at least... I don't know... talking
about it, hearing his side. I don't...
288
00:12:28,612 --> 00:12:32,740
Cheating is selfish, and it is cowardly,
and there is no excuse for it.
289
00:12:33,097 --> 00:12:36,117
The only thing that you can
do is punch it in the junk.
290
00:12:36,135 --> 00:12:39,198
Or you could really understand it
emotionally from their point of view.
291
00:12:39,222 --> 00:12:41,518
You don't know. Maybe
they had a tough childhood.
292
00:12:41,537 --> 00:12:43,455
- Turn the car around, Schmidt.
- Maybe their mom's a lesbian.
293
00:12:43,486 --> 00:12:45,418
- I don't know.
- Turn the car around!
294
00:12:45,443 --> 00:12:48,256
Yeah, let's do it. Let's turn the
car around. Let's go to Picca.
295
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,391
I'm gonna turn the car around
296
00:12:49,410 --> 00:12:51,775
- as soon as I turn this...
- Turn the car around Schmidt!
297
00:12:51,799 --> 00:12:54,005
- As soon as I turn the car around.
- Now!
298
00:12:54,992 --> 00:12:58,229
- As soon as I turn this car around...
- Turn the car around, Schmidt! Let's go!
299
00:12:58,247 --> 00:13:00,129
And I'm turning the
car around. Let's do it.
300
00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:02,123
Double date, here we come.
301
00:13:02,128 --> 00:13:03,903
- What is he doing?
- I don't know.
302
00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:05,773
Looks like he lost a wing.
303
00:13:17,502 --> 00:13:18,752
Hey, Jess.
304
00:13:18,783 --> 00:13:20,265
Yeah, fourth message.
305
00:13:20,298 --> 00:13:22,595
Just a friendly time update.
306
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:25,991
8:13. Hope to God you
guys aren't bailing on me,
307
00:13:26,024 --> 00:13:28,557
or maybe you just lost
track of time being couples!
308
00:13:29,605 --> 00:13:31,912
Hit me back. Winnie the Bish.
309
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,107
We're never gonna find this restaurant;
maybe we should just go home.
310
00:13:46,128 --> 00:13:47,535
- There it is!
- Here it is.
311
00:13:54,731 --> 00:13:55,946
Welcome!
312
00:13:55,983 --> 00:13:58,317
- Can I have your car, sir?
- Oh.
313
00:13:59,870 --> 00:14:01,637
Sir?
314
00:14:02,472 --> 00:14:03,936
Sir?
315
00:14:06,375 --> 00:14:07,646
Sir?
316
00:14:09,009 --> 00:14:10,848
I'm on the phone.
317
00:14:11,099 --> 00:14:13,743
All right, time's up. You
got to get out of here.
318
00:14:13,862 --> 00:14:15,529
Uh, th... that's my friend.
319
00:14:15,571 --> 00:14:17,577
That's my friend. See?
See? I told you all.
320
00:14:17,596 --> 00:14:18,671
Huh? I got friends.
321
00:14:18,714 --> 00:14:20,322
Everybody? Hmm?
322
00:14:20,795 --> 00:14:23,039
- That's my friend right there.
- Where the hell is Nick?!
323
00:14:23,084 --> 00:14:24,359
How did I even beat him here?!
324
00:14:24,377 --> 00:14:27,007
- That was the slowest ride
of my entire life! - Oh, Jess...
325
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:30,496
Literally, my grandmother
drives faster than that.
326
00:14:31,375 --> 00:14:33,056
- Look, she's my best friend.
- Yeah.
327
00:14:33,084 --> 00:14:35,508
And Schmidt is mine. That's why
I didn't want to get involved.
328
00:14:35,539 --> 00:14:38,919
Well, when someone I love
gets hurt, I get involved.
329
00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:48,455
Sir?
330
00:14:52,055 --> 00:14:53,622
What's up, big cat?
331
00:14:54,031 --> 00:14:55,587
Sir? Sir?
332
00:14:55,614 --> 00:14:57,791
Well, you got to go in there,
and you got to face her.
333
00:14:57,848 --> 00:15:00,983
Look, it's not about Cece.
This is about the $12 valet.
334
00:15:01,009 --> 00:15:02,777
It's $12 to...?
335
00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:05,610
One sec. Hey, it's self-park!
336
00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:08,357
The maroon car is self-park!
337
00:15:10,199 --> 00:15:12,650
It's an excessive
amount of money.
338
00:15:13,602 --> 00:15:15,272
I didn't mean for any
of this to happen.
339
00:15:15,291 --> 00:15:17,895
Look, I know you didn't, okay?
340
00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:20,718
But now it's time you do
the right thing, Schmidt.
341
00:15:23,420 --> 00:15:26,975
- I can't go in there.
- Well, I can't let Jess tell her.
342
00:15:29,505 --> 00:15:30,990
Hello?
343
00:15:31,012 --> 00:15:32,297
Open the door.
344
00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:33,748
Wait, Cece!
345
00:15:33,785 --> 00:15:36,246
- Oh, Jess, I have something to tell you.
- I have something to tell you!
346
00:15:36,264 --> 00:15:38,631
- What?
- No, I have something I need to tell you.
347
00:15:39,553 --> 00:15:41,391
Oh, my God, what are
you doing, Cece?!
348
00:15:41,403 --> 00:15:43,355
Why did you do that?!
349
00:15:44,589 --> 00:15:46,409
Cece.
350
00:15:46,455 --> 00:15:50,162
- You nipped the corner!
- Wait, Cece. Uh... okay. I...
351
00:15:50,197 --> 00:15:51,778
Cece, he's not...
352
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,671
I lied to you. I...
353
00:15:58,823 --> 00:16:01,558
I've been cheating on...
on you with Elizabeth.
354
00:16:13,811 --> 00:16:18,790
Uh, I hate to do this right now, but if
we don't sit, we will lose this table.
355
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:28,181
Cece, I'm sor... I'm sorry.
I don't... I just...
356
00:16:30,291 --> 00:16:33,527
Is there someplace maybe
we could, uh, go talk?
357
00:16:33,835 --> 00:16:36,771
Everybody knows anyway, Schmidt.
Might as well just say it.
358
00:16:37,187 --> 00:16:39,898
Oh, let's talk. Let's... we...
this should be fine.
359
00:16:41,657 --> 00:16:43,350
I didn't want to hurt you.
360
00:16:44,246 --> 00:16:46,180
You have to know that I
did not want to hurt you.
361
00:16:46,199 --> 00:16:49,783
Please, I... I'm begging you. If
you take anything away from this,
362
00:16:49,846 --> 00:16:53,167
know that I did not want to hurt you.
I didn't want to hurt anyone.
363
00:16:53,527 --> 00:16:55,321
Especially you.
364
00:16:55,708 --> 00:16:58,914
You have no idea
what you mean to me.
365
00:16:59,236 --> 00:17:01,960
And I got caught up
in this thing, and...
366
00:17:03,529 --> 00:17:05,696
I used to be so fat.
367
00:17:06,322 --> 00:17:08,003
I mean, like...
368
00:17:08,352 --> 00:17:10,352
truly gigantic.
369
00:17:11,804 --> 00:17:14,509
I mean, as big as... as
big... as big as it gets.
370
00:17:14,876 --> 00:17:19,184
And now... and now I'm not, and
girls like me, and I don't...
371
00:17:19,629 --> 00:17:21,964
I don't know how to do this.
372
00:17:22,566 --> 00:17:24,429
I got lost.
373
00:17:25,682 --> 00:17:27,513
And I'm sorry.
374
00:17:27,957 --> 00:17:29,739
You're sorry?
375
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:33,718
You didn't want to hurt anybody?
That's the best you can do, Schmidt?
376
00:17:33,839 --> 00:17:35,358
Really?
377
00:17:37,978 --> 00:17:39,265
I don't know.
378
00:17:39,307 --> 00:17:41,342
I don't know you.
379
00:17:44,494 --> 00:17:46,288
Good-bye, Schmidt.
380
00:18:01,821 --> 00:18:04,745
I'm just realizing that I
don't have any cash on me.
381
00:18:06,311 --> 00:18:09,349
If anyone would be willing
to loan me $12 for the valet,
382
00:18:09,375 --> 00:18:11,230
that would be...
383
00:18:11,342 --> 00:18:13,342
greatly appreciated.
384
00:18:15,317 --> 00:18:17,109
Cece still hasn't called me.
385
00:18:17,192 --> 00:18:18,648
Do you think you could
test my phone again?
386
00:18:18,676 --> 00:18:21,009
I can't. I don't have
any more minutes.
387
00:18:21,372 --> 00:18:23,047
Minutes, Nick?!
388
00:18:23,072 --> 00:18:24,797
Who still has minutes
on their phone?!
389
00:18:24,822 --> 00:18:27,535
I bought 10,000 minutes in
1999, and I'm still using them.
390
00:18:27,558 --> 00:18:28,599
I'm sorry. I just...
391
00:18:28,624 --> 00:18:31,054
I... I really want
to be there for her.
392
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:35,454
You are, okay? And she'll
call, 'cause she needs you.
393
00:18:36,209 --> 00:18:37,309
Hell.
394
00:18:37,329 --> 00:18:40,209
This is a real butt munch
of a situation we're in.
395
00:18:40,424 --> 00:18:41,605
Yeah.
396
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,480
Look...
397
00:18:44,005 --> 00:18:45,606
I'm here for you.
398
00:18:45,621 --> 00:18:51,881
There is nothing I know more than the fact
that I want to be with you, Jess, okay?
399
00:18:59,728 --> 00:19:01,312
Unless we're driving.
400
00:19:01,697 --> 00:19:04,781
- You admitted to driving while legally blind!
- No, because you're honestly the worst backseat...
401
00:19:04,815 --> 00:19:07,178
You're honestly telling me
what to do the entire time!
402
00:19:07,196 --> 00:19:09,587
- Legally blind.
- Whoever has the wheel controls the car!
403
00:19:09,612 --> 00:19:11,665
You liar!
404
00:19:11,785 --> 00:19:13,937
Here's your pie!
405
00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:23,712
You broke my heart.
406
00:19:23,855 --> 00:19:26,001
Mail me my mouth guard.
407
00:19:30,664 --> 00:19:34,834
In case you were wondering if Cece had
Elizabeth's number, sh... she does.
408
00:19:34,928 --> 00:19:37,726
So, tough time in
Schmidtsburg, wouldn't you say?
409
00:19:38,183 --> 00:19:40,090
Just a quick heads-up, Nick,
410
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:41,289
Jess.
411
00:19:41,334 --> 00:19:43,084
I blame you for this whole thing.
412
00:19:43,198 --> 00:19:46,367
- You can't seriously...
- I was going to fix it.
413
00:19:47,318 --> 00:19:49,249
I wasn't going to hurt anyone.
414
00:19:49,274 --> 00:19:52,149
But, since you took it upon
yourself to hurt both of them,
415
00:19:52,287 --> 00:19:54,406
should it take me the
rest of my life,
416
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,094
I'm going to break
the two of you up.
417
00:19:56,115 --> 00:19:58,290
- Bring it, Schmidt.
- It's impossible. We're really strong.
418
00:19:58,314 --> 00:20:01,913
It will be when you least expect it,
which might be when you most expect it.
419
00:20:02,552 --> 00:20:04,687
Could actually be when you're
watching the movie version of
420
00:20:04,699 --> 00:20:06,487
What to Expect When You're Expecting.
421
00:20:06,511 --> 00:20:07,996
Regardless...
422
00:20:08,545 --> 00:20:10,088
I...
423
00:20:10,113 --> 00:20:12,088
am coming...
424
00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:13,945
for you.
425
00:20:16,894 --> 00:20:19,441
Oh, my God, Schmidt is
so scary. You were right.
426
00:20:19,458 --> 00:20:22,083
We have to talk about the things - that he
could use to pull us apart, okay? - Okay.
427
00:20:22,098 --> 00:20:23,929
- Okay. Okay, politics.
- Okay.
428
00:20:23,948 --> 00:20:26,111
- You're a Democrat, I've never voted.
- I'm in the Green Party.
429
00:20:26,129 --> 00:20:27,429
Oh, that is so annoying.
430
00:20:27,448 --> 00:20:31,504
Okay, I have been banned for
my lifetime from Lake Ontario.
431
00:20:31,508 --> 00:20:32,508
- Don't ask.
- Okay.
432
00:20:32,539 --> 00:20:34,749
- What else do you have?
- My fear of pears.
433
00:20:35,131 --> 00:20:36,549
Okay, you're afraid of pears?
434
00:20:36,571 --> 00:20:39,143
- And pear-shaped people.
- Um, that's interesting.
435
00:20:39,147 --> 00:20:41,915
I'm not convinced I know how to read.
I've just memorized a lot of words.
436
00:20:41,939 --> 00:20:44,301
The doctors say I might
grow another 18 inches.
437
00:20:44,323 --> 00:20:47,412
That's a different image of you, but I'm
gonna get past that, and I'm past it.
438
00:20:47,439 --> 00:20:49,164
- Okay, the moon landing...
- Mm-hmm.
439
00:20:49,189 --> 00:20:51,602
- Uh, which is obviously fake.
- No, it's not obviously fake.
440
00:20:51,627 --> 00:20:53,183
- No, that's actually not what...
- Are you crazy?
441
00:20:53,198 --> 00:20:55,438
- The moon landing is definitely fake, by the way.
- The moon landing's not... What?!
442
00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:56,883
- The shadows are off.
- No, they're not.
443
00:20:56,908 --> 00:20:58,986
Yes, they are. I've looked at photos
on the Internet, and it proves it.
444
00:20:59,004 --> 00:21:00,701
- Nick, that's... - The shadows are
off, the shadows are off...!
445
00:21:00,726 --> 00:21:03,342
Shadows are not... those
photos are Photoshopped.
446
00:21:03,354 --> 00:21:04,903
- That's not true.
- People do that as a joke
447
00:21:04,915 --> 00:21:06,887
- to trick stupid people.
- Oh, yeah, you can just Photoshop...
448
00:21:06,929 --> 00:21:08,393
- No, that's...
- Wait a minute.
449
00:21:08,525 --> 00:21:11,229
He's doing it already.
He's getting in our heads.
450
00:21:11,266 --> 00:21:13,816
- Unbelievable. Good call.
- Okay, this is good. Let's keep going.
451
00:21:13,834 --> 00:21:15,410
- I totally agree. Okay.
- Let's keep going. Okay.
452
00:21:15,436 --> 00:21:17,747
I... kind of want to get a gun.
453
00:21:17,779 --> 00:21:19,960
I'm definitely sexually
attracted to Lady Bucks.
454
00:21:20,794 --> 00:21:21,999
Ok.
455
00:21:24,176 --> 00:21:26,241
I prefer the Killborn Daily Show.
456
00:21:26,268 --> 00:21:28,774
- I think it's the best one. I know
that you're very into it... - It's not.
457
00:21:28,799 --> 00:21:30,819
Yes, it is. He's very charming.
458
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,862
I'm weirdly good at volleyball.
459
00:21:32,881 --> 00:21:34,728
I believe horses are from outer space.
460
00:21:34,761 --> 00:21:36,397
- I believe that too!
- Ok. Good.
461
00:21:36,424 --> 00:21:44,424
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