1
00:00:03,195 --> 00:00:05,335
That is how you have sex, America.

2
00:00:05,399 --> 00:00:07,010
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

3
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:09,447
What's happening here is amazing.

4
00:00:09,647 --> 00:00:13,442
Like, I want to film it, but I don't want
to film it 'cause that would be porn.

5
00:00:13,477 --> 00:00:18,515
And that time, I think I figured out what
that thing underneath the thing was.

6
00:00:18,538 --> 00:00:20,537
- Yeah, you did.
- And whoa, right?

7
00:00:20,555 --> 00:00:22,096
Yeah, whoa.

8
00:00:22,149 --> 00:00:26,127
Hey, should we take a break and, like,
talk about our childhoods or something?

9
00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:30,193
You know, get in there, get into
it, get into each other's heads.

10
00:00:30,286 --> 00:00:32,675
Dreams, thoughts, fears, feelings.

11
00:00:32,718 --> 00:00:34,514
If... Yeah... I mean...

12
00:00:35,383 --> 00:00:37,682
- No?
- I'm gonna throw a curveball.

13
00:00:37,748 --> 00:00:40,910
I'm gonna go banana it and then
I'll be ready for round two.

14
00:00:40,936 --> 00:00:43,255
Define "banana it."

15
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:44,519
Eat a banana?

16
00:00:44,536 --> 00:00:45,836
Oh, good.

17
00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:48,539
I was worried for a second.

18
00:00:49,626 --> 00:00:52,764
What are Nick and Jess doing in
there, and how is it this loud?

19
00:00:53,014 --> 00:00:55,391
Nick's body is so soft,
it should absorb sound.

20
00:00:55,409 --> 00:00:58,672
They're just getting warmed up, Schmidt.
It's a whole new ball game around here.

21
00:00:58,701 --> 00:01:01,417
You, see, you wouldn't know that
'cause you haven't been here in weeks,

22
00:01:01,466 --> 00:01:03,967
but now that you're single, yeah,
you got to deal with this, too.

23
00:01:04,005 --> 00:01:06,195
Dumped by two women in
the same day, Schmidt,

24
00:01:06,228 --> 00:01:08,045
- that has got to be a record, man.
- I get it, all right?

25
00:01:08,076 --> 00:01:10,315
I lost two perfect women, but
I'm fine with it, all right?

26
00:01:10,340 --> 00:01:12,888
- I'm fine. - You could've been perfectly
happy with either one of them,

27
00:01:12,895 --> 00:01:15,250
- but now you're by yourself.
- Winston, I'm fine. Please.

28
00:01:15,264 --> 00:01:17,264
- That really has to hurt.
- This is my home, too.

29
00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:18,819
I shouldn't have to be
faced with their stupid,

30
00:01:18,839 --> 00:01:21,088
happy relationship everywhere I look.

31
00:01:22,184 --> 00:01:25,628
This is going to stop, Winston,
and I'm gonna stop it.

32
00:01:25,647 --> 00:01:28,149
Well, my advice to you is
to stay in your foxhole,

33
00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:31,439
keep your head down and
invest in one of these babies.

34
00:01:31,860 --> 00:01:33,695
Watch your butt, Ferguson.

35
00:01:33,878 --> 00:01:36,223
This is my survival kit.
Check this out, man.

36
00:01:36,373 --> 00:01:37,948
Blindfold.

37
00:01:38,114 --> 00:01:40,348
Get this bell wrapped around my neck
so he can hear when I'm coming.

38
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:43,391
Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will,
I could break them up with one e-mail.

39
00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:45,198
Oh, look at that,
look at the royal baby now,

40
00:01:45,216 --> 00:01:48,062
- living with slutty Aunt Pippa.
- I'm telling you, they're bulletproof.

41
00:01:50,475 --> 00:01:54,050
Um, I have to show Nick
something in the bathroom.

42
00:01:54,154 --> 00:01:55,754
Yeah, it's tiles.

43
00:01:56,990 --> 00:01:59,213
I'm so bad at lying.

44
00:01:59,817 --> 00:02:00,912
It's for sex.

45
00:02:00,935 --> 00:02:03,898
Oh, go! Go make love
in our communal shower.

46
00:02:04,066 --> 00:02:06,322
Enjoy it now, you little bunnies.

47
00:02:06,711 --> 00:02:08,066
What?

48
00:02:08,089 --> 00:02:10,090
Want to see a magic trick?

49
00:02:12,597 --> 00:02:15,363
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪

50
00:02:15,420 --> 00:02:16,820
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

51
00:02:16,846 --> 00:02:18,993
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪
♪ It's Jess ♪

52
00:02:20,448 --> 00:02:22,268
I like your chewing face.

53
00:02:22,303 --> 00:02:25,228
It's just food. Yeah, that's
all it is, okay, people?

54
00:02:25,259 --> 00:02:27,094
I know it's super annoying
to be around a couple.

55
00:02:27,106 --> 00:02:28,376
Not me at all. It's him.

56
00:02:28,406 --> 00:02:30,074
Who? Oh.

57
00:02:31,371 --> 00:02:32,641
Look at him.

58
00:02:32,710 --> 00:02:36,460
Yeah, we had a tough day
today at the V-E-T.

59
00:02:36,477 --> 00:02:39,551
Yeah, they said he's gonna have to get...
It rhymes with "fleutered."

60
00:02:40,232 --> 00:02:42,440
- The word is neutered.
- Cats don't speak English.

61
00:02:42,455 --> 00:02:45,883
Ferguson's never gonna experience
actual, physical lovemaking.

62
00:02:45,908 --> 00:02:47,556
Do you think you're a little
too into your cat?

63
00:02:47,573 --> 00:02:51,391
He should be out there, just getting
all crazy, getting his freak on.

64
00:02:51,857 --> 00:02:53,325
I feel bad, man. I
don't know what to do.

65
00:02:53,345 --> 00:02:55,651
Let's try to help. We got
three smart people here.

66
00:02:55,715 --> 00:02:58,248
- We all know we got to get
Ferguson laid, right? - Right.

67
00:02:58,418 --> 00:02:59,990
Cat bachelor party.

68
00:03:00,077 --> 00:03:01,511
- That's right.
- What do you think?

69
00:03:01,532 --> 00:03:04,524
- Yeah, get some little cat strippers.
- Big booty cats, little booty cats.

70
00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:06,432
Some tabbies.

71
00:03:06,462 --> 00:03:07,893
- Some black ones, some white ones.
- Yeah.

72
00:03:07,911 --> 00:03:10,646
- We'll mix it up. Get us a couple
Siamese, get weird with it. - Yeah.

73
00:03:10,670 --> 00:03:12,452
- Get him laid?
- You know we're kidding?

74
00:03:12,477 --> 00:03:15,294
- We're kidding.
- Sure, sure, sure, sure. Gotcha.

75
00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:17,977
It's happening.

76
00:03:20,590 --> 00:03:23,205
Oh, look, it's you and you.

77
00:03:23,221 --> 00:03:25,752
Is that a cake? Why do
you have a sheet cake?

78
00:03:25,807 --> 00:03:27,574
Don't eat the cake, Jess.

79
00:03:28,046 --> 00:03:30,309
What is that? Like,
vanilla and vanilla?

80
00:03:30,338 --> 00:03:33,800
I just wanted to wish you guys
a happy one-month anniversary.

81
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:37,001
- Hip hip.
- You said you wanted to break us up.

82
00:03:37,037 --> 00:03:38,631
You said you didn't care if
it took your whole life.

83
00:03:38,657 --> 00:03:41,204
Look, I understand that I'm not exactly
your favorite person right now,

84
00:03:41,237 --> 00:03:43,778
but I didn't want a milestone
in your relationship like this

85
00:03:43,804 --> 00:03:45,960
to-to go uncelebrated.

86
00:03:46,297 --> 00:03:47,963
You're really great together.

87
00:03:51,638 --> 00:03:52,734
I don't trust him.

88
00:03:52,765 --> 00:03:55,403
I know. It's Schmidt
we're talking about.

89
00:03:55,681 --> 00:04:00,109
After he saw the movie Titanic,
he started the Billy Zane fan club.

90
00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:02,445
- What?
- Look it up. They're called the Zaniacs.

91
00:04:02,488 --> 00:04:06,829
Why does that make me angrier
than anything he's ever done?

92
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:08,021
- I will handle this.
- Okay.

93
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:13,435
And I'm gonna test this cake
because I'm so mad at Schmidt.

94
00:04:16,288 --> 00:04:18,029
Hey, dummy,
why'd you get us that cake?

95
00:04:18,054 --> 00:04:19,854
Come on, man, I'm
just happy for you.

96
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:21,459
Looking at a-a month?

97
00:04:21,488 --> 00:04:22,406
A big month, man.

98
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:24,875
How many relationships have you had
that have lasted more than a month?

99
00:04:24,906 --> 00:04:25,758
I don't know, some.

100
00:04:25,775 --> 00:04:28,272
Probably very few, probably
very, very few, right?

101
00:04:28,371 --> 00:04:30,073
I mean, you think
it's less than two?

102
00:04:30,098 --> 00:04:33,193
- One, it's Caroline, you know.
- One? Are you kidding me, man?

103
00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:34,881
It's insane. That's so few,

104
00:04:34,894 --> 00:04:37,808
but I guess you only need one,
right, the one. Too soon?

105
00:04:37,829 --> 00:04:39,384
- I'm really happy, Schmidt.
- You should be, man.

106
00:04:39,402 --> 00:04:40,970
Look at you. You're
like a different guy.

107
00:04:40,986 --> 00:04:44,141
Usually at this point, you're
overthinking and anxious

108
00:04:44,165 --> 00:04:46,752
and panicky and overthinking
and overthinking

109
00:04:46,790 --> 00:04:49,869
and distant and nervous
and sweaty and overthinking.

110
00:04:49,894 --> 00:04:52,369
- You're trying to get in my head, and
it's not gonna work. - Who could, man?

111
00:04:52,401 --> 00:04:53,776
Look at you.

112
00:04:53,801 --> 00:04:57,389
You're cool as a cucumber.
You're Obama on the ski slopes.

113
00:04:57,414 --> 00:04:58,739
Now, get out there.

114
00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:02,248
Enjoy that cake with the woman that
you love. Too soon? Forget about it.

115
00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:04,326
- Good talk.
- Yeah.

116
00:05:07,486 --> 00:05:09,712
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

117
00:05:18,498 --> 00:05:19,868
Uh-oh.

118
00:05:20,196 --> 00:05:23,688
Looks like we have a little
Groundhog Day situation.

119
00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:26,465
Please don't call it a
Groundhog's Day situation.

120
00:05:26,483 --> 00:05:29,582
Six more weeks of winter.

121
00:05:30,535 --> 00:05:32,648
Don't worry. Lie back.

122
00:05:33,127 --> 00:05:34,494
I'm gonna take care of this.

123
00:05:36,082 --> 00:05:38,842
This has never happened in my
whole life, just so you know.

124
00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:40,830
It's cool. What
can I do to help?

125
00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:43,122
I don't know, maybe
think outside of the box?

126
00:05:43,580 --> 00:05:47,721
A little chicken kabob with rice.

127
00:05:48,443 --> 00:05:51,863
Choice of naan or chutney.

128
00:05:54,072 --> 00:05:56,676
- How about we...
- Shh! Oh, I had it.

129
00:05:56,986 --> 00:05:58,318
Reverse psychology.

130
00:05:58,337 --> 00:06:01,043
I'm not attracted to you.
I don't think you're sexy.

131
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:02,659
- Don't want to have sex with you.
- Okay.

132
00:06:02,671 --> 00:06:06,076
- I think you're a fat, fat, fatty, fat...
- Okay!

133
00:06:12,525 --> 00:06:13,983
Oh, yeah.

134
00:06:14,882 --> 00:06:16,601
Papa Smurf? Really?

135
00:06:16,636 --> 00:06:17,970
Whole body.

136
00:06:17,997 --> 00:06:18,867
Are you sure?

137
00:06:18,885 --> 00:06:20,520
- Yes, hey.
- Okay.

138
00:06:20,570 --> 00:06:22,076
- This will work, let's do it.
- Okay.

139
00:06:22,096 --> 00:06:24,364
Okay.

140
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,693
Well, at least the sun
managed to get up.

141
00:06:29,522 --> 00:06:32,038
- I have to go move my car.
- I'm kidding.

142
00:06:32,334 --> 00:06:34,040
But I'm kidding!

143
00:06:34,455 --> 00:06:36,736
Are we not kidding about this?

144
00:06:41,079 --> 00:06:42,736
Does she have all her shots?

145
00:06:42,775 --> 00:06:44,225
- Yep.
- Okay, cool, cool.

146
00:06:44,260 --> 00:06:45,380
Um, let me ask you this.

147
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,521
Uh, does she strike you as,
um, I don't know, slutty?

148
00:06:48,548 --> 00:06:51,478
Excuse me, I'm here to pick
up Fatty from her grooming.

149
00:06:54,499 --> 00:06:55,424
Oh.

150
00:06:55,594 --> 00:06:57,107
Oh, there you are.

151
00:06:58,473 --> 00:07:00,273
- Who are you here to pick up?
- Well, actually,

152
00:07:00,313 --> 00:07:03,448
uh, my boy cat is
looking for a girl cat.

153
00:07:04,079 --> 00:07:05,602
Oh.

154
00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:09,251
Well, I might know a girl cat
who's looking for a boy cat.

155
00:07:09,708 --> 00:07:11,210
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

156
00:07:11,255 --> 00:07:13,467
Does the girl cat
have all her parts?

157
00:07:14,146 --> 00:07:15,827
Um,

158
00:07:15,931 --> 00:07:17,275
- yeah.
- Yes?

159
00:07:17,330 --> 00:07:21,354
Uh, okay. Well, um, I don't know, maybe,
uh, she could come over sometime?

160
00:07:21,989 --> 00:07:24,084
Like, our cats could
go on a date?

161
00:07:24,189 --> 00:07:25,295
Yes, you get it.

162
00:07:25,324 --> 00:07:27,292
You know, everyone else
thought I was being weird.

163
00:07:27,682 --> 00:07:30,882
So, um, how often
do you groom your cat?

164
00:07:42,007 --> 00:07:43,249
So I talked to my mom about it,

165
00:07:43,286 --> 00:07:44,685
- and my dad...
- I've got to go move my car.

166
00:07:44,716 --> 00:07:46,671
Hey, no, it's important
we talk about these things.

167
00:07:46,696 --> 00:07:49,034
- Nick, it's...
- I'm moving my car!

168
00:07:53,537 --> 00:07:54,964
Hello.

169
00:07:55,398 --> 00:07:57,601
Whew, Nick looks exhausted.

170
00:07:57,647 --> 00:07:59,981
You guys obviously
had a good night.

171
00:08:01,223 --> 00:08:03,714
Yeah, um, I... We
didn't sleep much.

172
00:08:03,739 --> 00:08:05,940
Well, of course you didn't,
you mangy little stray.

173
00:08:05,968 --> 00:08:07,636
I really don't want to talk about it,

174
00:08:07,651 --> 00:08:09,658
- especially not with you, Schmidt.
- I know,

175
00:08:09,686 --> 00:08:13,288
and look, I also realize that it's gonna be
a long time for me to regain your trust.

176
00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:16,951
I just think it's sad because
if you did have a Nick problem,

177
00:08:17,788 --> 00:08:19,622
I probably could help you out.

178
00:08:20,309 --> 00:08:22,022
You know, my diploma
says that I majored

179
00:08:22,037 --> 00:08:24,863
in communications,
but my heart says

180
00:08:24,975 --> 00:08:27,185
that I majored in
Nicholas studies.

181
00:08:29,491 --> 00:08:30,755
I'm just saying.

182
00:08:31,025 --> 00:08:33,794
I love the morning.
Anything's possible.

183
00:08:33,826 --> 00:08:36,195
The whole day's ahead
of you, you know?

184
00:08:36,239 --> 00:08:38,252
Last night, Nick struggled
with impotence.

185
00:08:38,271 --> 00:08:41,008
Oh, my God, I'm not
talking you about this.

186
00:08:41,041 --> 00:08:44,535
Jess, look, I get it. You don't want my
help, but just do me a favor please.

187
00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:46,155
Let me know when you're
not mad at me anymore

188
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:50,139
so I can tell you about how men crave
danger and variety in their sexual lives.

189
00:08:50,246 --> 00:08:53,450
I just hope it's not too
late, fingers crossed.

190
00:08:55,780 --> 00:08:57,216
What are you talking about?

191
00:08:57,250 --> 00:09:00,596
I mean, I don't care,
but if I did...

192
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,148
- theoretically.
- Theoretically,

193
00:09:03,436 --> 00:09:07,057
I would tell you for-for a man whose
midsection is basically mush,

194
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:08,746
Nick has had a lot of sex.

195
00:09:08,771 --> 00:09:10,984
He's pushed that
mush all over town.

196
00:09:11,059 --> 00:09:13,447
And you know what,
he's got some very weird taste.

197
00:09:13,472 --> 00:09:15,262
Dark, real fringe stuff.

198
00:09:15,287 --> 00:09:17,468
He likes stuff
that they don't even have porn for.

199
00:09:17,485 --> 00:09:22,102
And you know, a lot of women wouldn't
think to do the Captain in-in bed.

200
00:09:22,579 --> 00:09:24,860
- What? - That was a mistake. I
shouldn't have said anything.

201
00:09:24,921 --> 00:09:27,448
I didn't want to talk about the Captain.
It was a thing, and I did and...

202
00:09:27,472 --> 00:09:29,616
- Do you want a smoothie?
- What's the Captain?

203
00:09:31,177 --> 00:09:33,289
Well, it starts off with...

204
00:09:38,375 --> 00:09:40,527
But you want to clean
yourself up immediately.

205
00:09:40,552 --> 00:09:42,113
I mean immediately.

206
00:09:42,141 --> 00:09:43,908
And then you...

207
00:09:46,233 --> 00:09:48,533
How comfortable
are you with racial slurs?

208
00:09:48,951 --> 00:09:50,464
Then you...

209
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:56,387
That's basically it.

210
00:09:56,774 --> 00:09:58,216
That's what Nick wants in bed?

211
00:09:58,241 --> 00:10:01,037
Yeah, I know. Look, you're probably
not up for it. It's my... It's my fault.

212
00:10:01,045 --> 00:10:03,038
It's very degrading,
it's offensive, and you,

213
00:10:03,050 --> 00:10:05,742
you just don't have the time
to learn all those dolphin sounds.

214
00:10:05,755 --> 00:10:08,658
Are you sure you don't want some
of this smoothie? It's straw-bana.

215
00:10:09,980 --> 00:10:11,714
Okay, Ferguson, this is
a big moment in your life.

216
00:10:11,729 --> 00:10:13,997
All right, just be
yourself, you dawg.

217
00:10:14,035 --> 00:10:16,179
Winston, I think I found a way to...

218
00:10:17,608 --> 00:10:19,501
You want to try some catnip?

219
00:10:20,490 --> 00:10:22,090
This is a real bummer.

220
00:10:27,738 --> 00:10:29,208
Ahoy, Nicholas.

221
00:10:32,523 --> 00:10:34,223
Wait, I'm scared!

222
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:45,358
- Hey.
- Hey.

223
00:10:45,408 --> 00:10:46,896
I'm so glad you could make it.

224
00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:49,559
- Oh, thanks.
- Let's, um, let's head to my room.

225
00:10:49,570 --> 00:10:51,621
Oh, you're not wasting any time.

226
00:10:51,627 --> 00:10:54,068
You know, it's just that I have
very judgy roommates, you know,

227
00:10:54,086 --> 00:10:56,025
that might get a little weirded
out if they walked in the room

228
00:10:56,055 --> 00:10:58,161
- and saw something they weren't
supposed to see. - Oh.

229
00:10:58,192 --> 00:11:00,026
Or it's whatever,
whatever Fatty wants.

230
00:11:00,049 --> 00:11:02,861
- What do you want, Fatty?
- Fatty wants to see your room.

231
00:11:02,886 --> 00:11:04,654
That's awesome. Great news.
You hear that, Ferguson?

232
00:11:04,682 --> 00:11:07,013
- Y'all go play.
- Yeah? There you go.

233
00:11:07,132 --> 00:11:10,963
- He was nervous.
- Well, good thing I brought this.

234
00:11:11,649 --> 00:11:13,005
Yeah, we can't give
wine to these cats.

235
00:11:13,038 --> 00:11:16,108
It's been a tough six months,
and this cat needs a drink so...

236
00:11:16,873 --> 00:11:17,767
O-Okay.

237
00:11:17,785 --> 00:11:19,803
- I don't think they care. They're
not listening at all. - Mm-mm.

238
00:11:19,821 --> 00:11:21,596
- They're too into each other.
- Yeah.

239
00:11:21,802 --> 00:11:24,744
Nick, we have to talk
about this, okay?

240
00:11:25,103 --> 00:11:26,830
All right, I'll go first.

241
00:11:27,206 --> 00:11:28,625
Listen...

242
00:11:28,994 --> 00:11:33,238
I was uncomfortable with some of
the specifics of what we just did.

243
00:11:33,263 --> 00:11:36,708
For example, when I said,
"You like that, huh?"

244
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:40,599
I felt like you really,
really didn't like it.

245
00:11:41,336 --> 00:11:42,474
How do you feel?

246
00:11:42,507 --> 00:11:43,599
I just...

247
00:11:45,133 --> 00:11:47,001
I feel like, you know...

248
00:11:47,653 --> 00:11:49,987
No, it's just kind of like...
be... I mean...

249
00:11:52,508 --> 00:11:54,224
Uh...

250
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:56,451
It was good, you know.
It's over.

251
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,989
Love sleeping birdsty.

252
00:11:59,114 --> 00:12:03,271
I just want to know what I did wrong.
How does the Captain normally go?

253
00:12:03,664 --> 00:12:06,465
- The what?
- The Captain. What we just did.

254
00:12:06,954 --> 00:12:08,920
I've never done that in my life.

255
00:12:08,932 --> 00:12:10,904
- We did that because you wanted to, Jess.
- What?!

256
00:12:10,938 --> 00:12:12,621
Why would I want to do that?

257
00:12:12,645 --> 00:12:16,660
That's degrading to not only
women but all of mankind, Nick.

258
00:12:16,685 --> 00:12:20,541
- I know. - I only did that 'cause Schmidt
told me it was your favorite thing...

259
00:12:23,401 --> 00:12:26,219
Did you say, 'cause
Schmidt said?

260
00:12:26,236 --> 00:12:28,443
No, no, no, no.
Did you just...

261
00:12:28,449 --> 00:12:31,787
Did you talk to... tight
pants and eyebrows...

262
00:12:31,811 --> 00:12:33,794
Who was I supposed
to talk to, Nick?

263
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,903
Every time I tried to talk to
you about your penis problems,

264
00:12:35,928 --> 00:12:38,879
- you went to move your car.
- Those aren't penis problems.

265
00:12:39,128 --> 00:12:42,031
What is... Did you talk to Winston
about my penis problems?

266
00:12:42,049 --> 00:12:43,750
- What about Cece, did she get a call?
- He wasn't around.

267
00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:46,242
Schmidt told me he had
a PhD in Nickology.

268
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,923
He doesn't. There's no such...

269
00:12:47,956 --> 00:12:49,756
We have to talk about our
feelings 'cause we're together.

270
00:12:49,773 --> 00:12:52,403
If we needed to talk about feelings,

271
00:12:52,567 --> 00:12:54,248
they would be called "talkings."

272
00:12:54,282 --> 00:12:55,945
No, that is not true. Nick...

273
00:12:55,957 --> 00:12:58,054
- That is 100%...
- This is it...

274
00:12:58,072 --> 00:13:00,071
This is Schmidt getting in our heads.

275
00:13:00,102 --> 00:13:01,874
- I'm going to kill him!
- Jessica, wait.

276
00:13:01,899 --> 00:13:04,395
- Schmidt!
- I can't run that fast... The Captain!

277
00:13:04,447 --> 00:13:06,972
I trusted you. You
took advantage of me.

278
00:13:06,996 --> 00:13:08,532
- Something wrong?
- You set us up.

279
00:13:08,562 --> 00:13:11,015
I've done things to
Nick I can't ever undo.

280
00:13:11,030 --> 00:13:13,568
You see, your fatal flaw...
Communication.

281
00:13:13,699 --> 00:13:16,194
You won't shut up about your
feelings, and the only thing

282
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,717
this dummy wants to talk about
is the Chicago Brown Bears.

283
00:13:18,736 --> 00:13:20,391
It's just the Chicago Bears.
There's no brown...

284
00:13:20,409 --> 00:13:22,147
Who cares? I put a pebble
in your path

285
00:13:22,171 --> 00:13:24,072
and the two of you cracked
your tiny little skulls on it.

286
00:13:24,088 --> 00:13:26,723
Ooh, by the way, how
was the Captain?

287
00:13:26,744 --> 00:13:28,106
Did you make it all the
way to the spyglass?

288
00:13:28,143 --> 00:13:30,889
Yes, Schmidt! And my
night vision's very good

289
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,739
'cause my eyes are
so buggy and big

290
00:13:32,757 --> 00:13:35,422
and I saw everything and I
can't erase it from my memory.

291
00:13:35,441 --> 00:13:36,878
Please, Jess, stop
talking about the Captain.

292
00:13:36,896 --> 00:13:39,533
Why don't we just go back
to being roommates. Okay?

293
00:13:39,545 --> 00:13:41,146
Nick, what do you say?

294
00:13:41,284 --> 00:13:43,455
The floor is yours. You want
to tell us how you feel?

295
00:13:43,473 --> 00:13:45,218
- Me?
- Yeah.

296
00:13:45,368 --> 00:13:47,702
Well... I think it's...

297
00:13:48,243 --> 00:13:49,646
I just...

298
00:13:53,010 --> 00:13:54,744
Beautifully said. Thank you, Nick.

299
00:13:54,764 --> 00:13:55,727
Enjoy the breakup.

300
00:13:55,763 --> 00:13:59,138
If you need me, I'll be in my room
listening to some mainstream hip-hop.

301
00:13:59,995 --> 00:14:01,564
Stop!

302
00:14:08,005 --> 00:14:10,052
I have feelings.

303
00:14:15,466 --> 00:14:17,695
I didn't like when
you did the Captain.

304
00:14:17,978 --> 00:14:19,812
It made me feel...

305
00:14:21,539 --> 00:14:22,258
bad.

306
00:14:22,276 --> 00:14:25,531
Okay, I've... I've never
seen this sober before.

307
00:14:25,550 --> 00:14:28,884
Stop, it's my turn. You talk
too much and it frustrates me.

308
00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:31,528
Sometimes you talk even
after you've fallen asleep.

309
00:14:31,655 --> 00:14:33,361
How do you breathe? Where
do you get the words?

310
00:14:33,379 --> 00:14:37,111
But it doesn't matter, Jess,
because I like you a lot.

311
00:14:37,420 --> 00:14:38,988
But maybe do that less, okay?

312
00:14:39,005 --> 00:14:41,919
Nick, I just feel... Sorry.

313
00:14:41,986 --> 00:14:44,379
I'm so sorry. Just...
keep going.

314
00:14:44,412 --> 00:14:46,190
I don't know. Um...

315
00:14:46,650 --> 00:14:49,976
I really like the
instrument of the cello.

316
00:14:50,253 --> 00:14:52,438
I like the cello a lot, and
I don't talk about it a lot

317
00:14:52,465 --> 00:14:55,259
but I should because I feel
very passionate about it.

318
00:14:55,277 --> 00:14:56,909
It's a beautiful instrument.

319
00:14:56,921 --> 00:14:59,183
It's like a guitar
but it stands up.

320
00:14:59,378 --> 00:15:04,697
I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth
at the zoo, and I cried hysterically.

321
00:15:04,789 --> 00:15:06,814
And then I bought one of
those stretched out pennies

322
00:15:06,832 --> 00:15:09,532
that you can get to remember it and
then I lost that and I cried again.

323
00:15:09,574 --> 00:15:12,143
Sometimes when I smell dust in
like an attic or something,

324
00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:14,993
like that mothy, dusty,
I think about my mother.

325
00:15:15,066 --> 00:15:16,956
When I was 14, I saw
my mother change,

326
00:15:16,975 --> 00:15:19,513
and I saw her whole body
naked without underpants on.

327
00:15:19,950 --> 00:15:21,706
I really like when
a rap song uses a choir.

328
00:15:21,731 --> 00:15:24,106
It makes me feel really happy
when all those ladies' voices

329
00:15:24,136 --> 00:15:26,656
come in and then the guy's rapping.
I think it's awesome.

330
00:15:26,690 --> 00:15:28,949
- I'm really proud of you, Nick.
- I really like you.

331
00:15:29,050 --> 00:15:30,180
I like you, too.

332
00:15:30,211 --> 00:15:33,344
And it's been a month
and I'm not scared.

333
00:15:33,652 --> 00:15:34,948
Unless you're doing the Captain,

334
00:15:34,991 --> 00:15:38,260
and then I experience very real
fear and it's very visceral...

335
00:15:38,295 --> 00:15:39,496
Just kiss me.

336
00:15:39,529 --> 00:15:40,985
No kissing in the living room!

337
00:15:44,876 --> 00:15:47,235
No. No, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no!

338
00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:50,672
Cease lovemaking! All
lovemaking must cease.

339
00:15:50,693 --> 00:15:52,911
- Get out of here, Schmidt!
- Break up!

340
00:15:52,929 --> 00:15:54,904
Just break up already, pl...
Oh, forget it.

341
00:15:54,922 --> 00:15:56,507
- I'm just... I'm-I'm...
- Hey, no, no.

342
00:15:56,534 --> 00:15:58,728
What are you doing? Oh, my
God, he just hit my sack.

343
00:15:58,751 --> 00:16:01,559
Body block! I'm pure core.
I've been training for this.

344
00:16:01,580 --> 00:16:03,198
Yeah, human dental dam.

345
00:16:06,004 --> 00:16:08,598
So... What do you do for fun?

346
00:16:09,029 --> 00:16:10,517
Huh? Oh, um...

347
00:16:10,566 --> 00:16:12,996
- You know, like all good things.
- Like what? Tell me one thing.

348
00:16:14,214 --> 00:16:15,808
I'm sorry, do you hear noise?

349
00:16:15,839 --> 00:16:16,933
- Oh...
- Do you hear shouting?

350
00:16:16,945 --> 00:16:18,533
- 'Cause I'm just...
- Yeah.

351
00:16:18,577 --> 00:16:19,818
No. No, no, no, no, no.

352
00:16:21,184 --> 00:16:23,078
Who the hell messed
up the mood?!

353
00:16:24,519 --> 00:16:26,473
- Schmidt, Schmidt.
- Hey.

354
00:16:26,615 --> 00:16:27,966
Put down my condoms.

355
00:16:27,994 --> 00:16:31,263
- Pull it together, Schmidt.
- It's raining celibacy. Hallelujah.

356
00:16:31,292 --> 00:16:33,288
- You're losing it, man.
- If I'm not having sex in this loft,

357
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:36,493
nobody's having sex in
this loft. Hyah!

358
00:16:38,550 --> 00:16:39,906
- Oh, hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.

359
00:16:39,931 --> 00:16:41,842
Oh, my birth control pills.

360
00:16:41,852 --> 00:16:44,908
- You don't want to do this, my man.
- Yes, I do want to do this.

361
00:16:45,052 --> 00:16:47,083
It's the only way to get this place
back to the way that it was.

362
00:16:47,115 --> 00:16:49,546
- Put them down. Give them to me.
- Give them to Jess.

363
00:16:49,617 --> 00:16:51,820
- Come on, buddy, it's not worth it.
- No fear!

364
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,941
- Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
- Oh, my God.

365
00:16:53,969 --> 00:16:55,884
Why didn't you just throw
them in the sink, you idiot.

366
00:16:55,903 --> 00:16:57,930
You better pray that
was a placebo week.

367
00:16:57,958 --> 00:17:00,089
Is he eating birth
control pills?

368
00:17:00,315 --> 00:17:02,883
Friday! Full wheel, bitches!

369
00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:04,993
I win. I don't feel good.

370
00:17:05,015 --> 00:17:08,626
Guys, come on, our cats were
just about to have sex.

371
00:17:09,798 --> 00:17:11,540
Oh, my God.

372
00:17:11,662 --> 00:17:13,812
Oh, my God, this whole
time I thought...

373
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:17,609
What?

374
00:17:17,690 --> 00:17:20,990
Fatty, come on.
We're out of here.

375
00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:26,392
So, what do you guys
think, loft meeting in 20?

376
00:17:26,436 --> 00:17:27,595
Yeah, I'll be there in 15.

377
00:17:27,619 --> 00:17:31,049
Got to stick my head in a paper bag
and scream at the top of my lungs.

378
00:17:32,087 --> 00:17:34,044
Oh, yeah, there'll be no snacks.

379
00:17:38,172 --> 00:17:41,217
Schmidt, I just looked it up. There's
no way estrogen works that fast.

380
00:17:41,236 --> 00:17:43,492
- You don't know my body.
- Please, stop talking about your body.

381
00:17:43,503 --> 00:17:45,272
Okay, that's a good segue...

382
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:49,580
to some of the more relevant topics that
I would like to cover in this meeting.

383
00:17:49,598 --> 00:17:51,566
Like, uh, personal space.

384
00:17:51,865 --> 00:17:53,079
Public space.

385
00:17:53,110 --> 00:17:54,832
Other people's medicines...

386
00:17:54,944 --> 00:17:56,740
Taking them versus not taking them.

387
00:17:56,769 --> 00:17:58,469
I am so aware
of my nipples right now.

388
00:17:58,504 --> 00:17:59,771
Okay, that's a good start.

389
00:17:59,792 --> 00:18:03,103
If someone were to blow on my
nipples, I would positively scream.

390
00:18:03,128 --> 00:18:04,318
Boundaries.

391
00:18:04,553 --> 00:18:06,541
- Any takers?
- All right, we live here.

392
00:18:06,797 --> 00:18:09,069
- Where are we supposed to go?
- This is my fault.

393
00:18:09,093 --> 00:18:11,434
'Cause I'm going through
a sexual awakening.

394
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:15,872
It's like I'm tapping into
this raw sexual energy

395
00:18:15,890 --> 00:18:17,681
that the universe is putting forth.

396
00:18:17,699 --> 00:18:20,497
And it's just both imploding
and exploding at the same time.

397
00:18:20,523 --> 00:18:23,573
And it's kind of like
I'm a young nun.

398
00:18:24,085 --> 00:18:26,560
And Nick is my sexy monseigneur.

399
00:18:26,692 --> 00:18:28,492
And I'm a...

400
00:18:29,914 --> 00:18:32,286
- I'm just going to shut up.
- Both of you need to shut up, okay?

401
00:18:32,292 --> 00:18:33,929
You're having sex,
not inventing it.

402
00:18:33,957 --> 00:18:35,327
- It can't be that good.
- It's good.

403
00:18:35,339 --> 00:18:37,293
Stop saying, "Squeeze my biscuits."

404
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:39,065
- I'm serious, Nick.
- Sorry.

405
00:18:39,090 --> 00:18:41,322
And, Schmidt, stop taking it out
on everybody else, man.

406
00:18:41,362 --> 00:18:42,742
Deal with your breakups.

407
00:18:42,759 --> 00:18:45,758
Ain't no way in hell I got a cat
brothel going on in my room

408
00:18:45,764 --> 00:18:48,020
and I'm the only normal
person in this loft.

409
00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:56,396
You did a bad thing.

410
00:18:57,188 --> 00:18:58,873
Deal with it.

411
00:19:20,083 --> 00:19:21,439
What's that?

412
00:19:21,474 --> 00:19:24,060
Oh, it's just what I needed.

413
00:19:26,632 --> 00:19:28,394
This gum is crap.

414
00:19:36,261 --> 00:19:37,967
- You ready?
- What is it?

415
00:19:37,999 --> 00:19:40,099
Just keep your eyes closed.

416
00:19:40,132 --> 00:19:42,467
- All right, stand right there, okay?
- Okay.

417
00:19:44,115 --> 00:19:45,616
Turn around.

418
00:19:48,384 --> 00:19:50,276
- I love it.
- Yeah.

419
00:19:51,199 --> 00:19:53,502
I don't... I don't
know what it is.

420
00:19:53,523 --> 00:19:55,903
All right, then yell something.

421
00:19:55,959 --> 00:19:57,292
I soundproofed it.

422
00:19:57,464 --> 00:20:00,706
- What's wrong? I just heard yelling.
- Get out of here, man.

423
00:20:02,721 --> 00:20:04,734
He must... He must've literally
been right by the door.

424
00:20:04,747 --> 00:20:06,710
It is soundproofed... That's what
the egg crates are for, so...

425
00:20:06,722 --> 00:20:09,574
Nick, I just want
to say something. Um...

426
00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:12,270
This last month...

427
00:20:12,569 --> 00:20:14,787
has been the best
month of my life.

428
00:20:17,814 --> 00:20:19,027
Me, too.

429
00:20:19,165 --> 00:20:24,169
I've never, you know, felt this
way or had this with anybody.

430
00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:27,744
It's like there's been
this fog around my life,

431
00:20:27,775 --> 00:20:29,756
and with you, all of
a sudden it's gone.

432
00:20:29,787 --> 00:20:31,631
I love that you can express
your feelings now.

433
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:35,211
Yeah, it's a weird feeling. It's
kind of like gross but also good.

434
00:20:35,590 --> 00:20:37,610
You know? It's like an egg broke.

435
00:20:37,723 --> 00:20:41,410
And then, like, all the yolk
comes out but it's good.

436
00:20:41,651 --> 00:20:44,679
I'm happy to admit
I like love songs.

437
00:20:45,149 --> 00:20:46,599
I understand them.

438
00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:51,125
They're really sad. They're mostly about
either the girl or the guy got away.

439
00:20:51,148 --> 00:20:52,861
They're heartbreaking numbers.

440
00:20:52,931 --> 00:20:54,631
The air... Do you feel it?

441
00:20:54,650 --> 00:20:57,692
I guess this is the air you
breathe, but it's nice.

442
00:20:57,723 --> 00:20:59,417
I feel like I'm on
this whole new planet.

443
00:20:59,895 --> 00:21:02,840
How about your two...

444
00:21:03,406 --> 00:21:05,990
- favorite planets?
- Oh, yeah, those are great.

445
00:21:06,077 --> 00:21:09,867
But I also feel like being with you,
I've finally, for the first time,

446
00:21:09,884 --> 00:21:12,800
and I know this sounds crazy,
but I can see the stars.

447
00:21:12,825 --> 00:21:14,911
You know, the other great thing
about talking about our feelings

448
00:21:14,930 --> 00:21:17,537
is we don't need to
do it all the time.

449
00:21:17,562 --> 00:21:19,228
Thank you for expressing that.

450
00:21:19,257 --> 00:21:21,585
- I feel like I can see you...
- Uh-huh.

451
00:21:21,606 --> 00:21:23,034
...in 3-D vision.

452
00:21:23,051 --> 00:21:25,189
- Everyone sees in 3-D.
- Hmm.

453
00:21:25,213 --> 00:21:27,673
So, would you like to take
my bra off, or should I?

454
00:21:27,704 --> 00:21:29,579
See, I feel excited
to take your bra off.

455
00:21:29,604 --> 00:21:31,602
- So, do it.
- I love your breasts.

456
00:21:31,620 --> 00:21:33,836
Just mixing it up with
those two things.

457
00:21:33,867 --> 00:21:35,760
- I'm not even nervous to do it.
- So, do it.

458
00:21:35,778 --> 00:21:38,329
- I feel excited to... Okay, right now.
- Let's do this.

459
00:21:38,456 --> 00:21:44,456
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