1 00:00:03,691 --> 00:00:05,054 Hey, what took you so long? 2 00:00:05,079 --> 00:00:07,585 - Come on in. - Hey. No, no. Why are we having a secret meeting in an empty loft? 3 00:00:07,614 --> 00:00:09,377 Because I don't want Schmidt to find us. 4 00:00:09,405 --> 00:00:11,677 - It's creepy, right? - I know, right? 5 00:00:11,697 --> 00:00:14,388 - Yeah, it is. - This place gives me the willies, man. 6 00:00:14,425 --> 00:00:15,957 Do you know why they can't keep a tenant in here? 7 00:00:15,980 --> 00:00:18,800 - Why? - Because Mrs. Beverly died on the toilet. 8 00:00:18,806 --> 00:00:20,878 And to come here on Halloween...? 9 00:00:21,184 --> 00:00:23,026 - Seems risky. - What's risky? 10 00:00:23,062 --> 00:00:24,326 The ghost situation. 11 00:00:24,351 --> 00:00:26,489 I brought you guys in here to talk about Schmidt. 12 00:00:26,506 --> 00:00:28,230 I'm really worried about him. 13 00:00:28,263 --> 00:00:31,982 He hasn't been to work for three days. He just sits on the couch eating cold cuts 14 00:00:32,009 --> 00:00:34,395 and yelling at the news about how nothing matters. 15 00:00:34,416 --> 00:00:36,679 - It's a problem. - Right. Be honest, it's a real problem. 16 00:00:36,697 --> 00:00:38,407 He's just going through a whole thing, you know? 17 00:00:38,431 --> 00:00:40,392 The Cece-Elizabeth breakup has gotten to him. 18 00:00:40,417 --> 00:00:43,196 Right now he is completely unhinged. 19 00:00:44,351 --> 00:00:45,806 - Y'all feel that? - What is going on? 20 00:00:45,818 --> 00:00:48,086 Not saying there's a ghost, but I felt a weird breeze go through my body, 21 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:49,752 - that's all I'm saying. - There's no ghost. 22 00:00:49,767 --> 00:00:52,167 Guys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but... 23 00:00:52,191 --> 00:00:53,966 I miss the old Schmidt. 24 00:00:54,157 --> 00:00:56,088 I want him to be happy again. 25 00:00:56,104 --> 00:00:58,823 He's crumbling before our very eyes. 26 00:00:58,904 --> 00:01:02,798 And I'm having a party tonight, and I just can't have him lying on the couch, 27 00:01:02,826 --> 00:01:04,962 wiping his tears with deli meat. 28 00:01:05,010 --> 00:01:07,835 - I'll talk to him, okay? - Thank you. 29 00:01:07,870 --> 00:01:11,420 People get weird with breakups. Trust me, I got this. 30 00:01:11,495 --> 00:01:13,844 - You got this. - That was Winston. 31 00:01:13,864 --> 00:01:15,823 - Was that you or was that in here, dude? - That was... 32 00:01:15,847 --> 00:01:17,823 Don't do that! 33 00:01:19,309 --> 00:01:21,935 Oh, come on, Obama. 34 00:01:22,124 --> 00:01:24,458 Tanks pull in, tanks pull out. 35 00:01:24,481 --> 00:01:27,756 Babies are born, old people die. 36 00:01:28,225 --> 00:01:31,371 And yet the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, 37 00:01:31,387 --> 00:01:33,351 and one day, it stops. 38 00:01:33,438 --> 00:01:38,070 And then what? You want... you want to talk about... health care? 39 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:41,663 That's mayo, buddy. 40 00:01:44,934 --> 00:01:46,902 Yeah, I don't got this. 41 00:01:49,319 --> 00:01:50,758 ♪ Who's that girl? 42 00:01:50,773 --> 00:01:53,141 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. 43 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,660 Season 3, Episode 6 "Keaton" 44 00:01:55,687 --> 00:01:58,187 Sync & corrections: Reef www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 45 00:01:59,372 --> 00:02:01,597 - ♪ Pumpkining... - You're really good at that. 46 00:02:01,617 --> 00:02:04,267 Thanks, man. Yeah. What are you carving there? 47 00:02:04,317 --> 00:02:06,098 - It's a pumpkin. - Oh, look at that. That's beautiful. 48 00:02:06,116 --> 00:02:08,655 - My pumpkin! - Pumpkin doesn't matter. 49 00:02:08,785 --> 00:02:12,136 Hey. I just wanted to talk to you, um... 50 00:02:12,553 --> 00:02:15,841 - About my party tonight. - You don't want me to come to the party? 51 00:02:16,382 --> 00:02:17,752 No, no, no, no, no, no. 52 00:02:17,767 --> 00:02:19,205 Jess, do you not want me to come to your party? 53 00:02:19,230 --> 00:02:22,043 - No. I... No. - Doesn't matter. 54 00:02:22,118 --> 00:02:25,071 I wouldn't go if I weren't throwing it, you know? 55 00:02:25,087 --> 00:02:26,800 It's, like, more of a business-networking... 56 00:02:26,812 --> 00:02:28,788 It's not a big deal at all. I just won't come. 57 00:02:28,809 --> 00:02:31,898 I'll stay at home, and... I'll just hang out in my costume. 58 00:02:32,049 --> 00:02:34,338 Oh, wait a minute. 59 00:02:35,009 --> 00:02:37,059 Your home is my home. 60 00:02:40,949 --> 00:02:42,547 See you at the party. 61 00:02:42,569 --> 00:02:45,450 - What the hell? - He's a total maniac. 62 00:02:45,545 --> 00:02:48,306 Well, you know what, Jess? He doesn't get like this often. 63 00:02:48,722 --> 00:02:52,072 But when he does, oh, there is an option. 64 00:02:52,474 --> 00:02:54,841 Nick, I think it's time for Schmidt 65 00:02:54,861 --> 00:02:56,899 - to get a letter from an old friend. - No, no, no, no, no, no. 66 00:02:56,918 --> 00:02:58,697 - What old friend? - Forget you heard anything. 67 00:02:58,722 --> 00:02:59,785 - What old friend? - Nothing, J... 68 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,067 - We need him, Nick. - No, we don't. 69 00:03:01,089 --> 00:03:02,568 - We got to bring him back. - Bring who back? 70 00:03:02,574 --> 00:03:05,079 - Winston, don't do this! - Guys, does nobody listen to me?! 71 00:03:05,099 --> 00:03:06,418 - ...without him! - Who is he? 72 00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:09,467 - Michael Keaton. - You stupid... 73 00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:12,777 Michael Keaton, the actor? The Batman? 74 00:03:12,798 --> 00:03:14,118 Nick, are you gonna tell her, or should I? 75 00:03:14,130 --> 00:03:16,896 - I'm not telling her. - Fine. I'll do it. 76 00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:19,631 - You will? - When Schmidt was seven years old... 77 00:03:19,961 --> 00:03:23,452 You're a terrible storyteller. I'll just do it myself, I guess. 78 00:03:26,187 --> 00:03:29,549 When Schmidt was seven years old, his daddy divorced his mommy... 79 00:03:30,289 --> 00:03:33,733 And Schmidt was left without the love of a father. 80 00:03:33,903 --> 00:03:35,478 He didn't take it well. 81 00:03:35,504 --> 00:03:38,511 He began an endless cycle of crying and chocolate. 82 00:03:38,548 --> 00:03:42,892 Mrs. Schmidt tried everything to cheer him up, but nothing worked. 83 00:03:43,427 --> 00:03:47,363 Desperate, she looked to the stars. Movie stars. 84 00:03:47,379 --> 00:03:51,564 Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser a letter of support from the star 85 00:03:51,583 --> 00:03:53,445 of his favorite movie, Batman. 86 00:03:53,463 --> 00:03:57,098 But not the confusing new one. The good one, with Michael Keaton. 87 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:02,808 And when Schmidt got his disgusting chubby hands on Keaton's letter, 88 00:04:02,827 --> 00:04:04,520 his life changed forever. 89 00:04:04,552 --> 00:04:05,406 Yes! 90 00:04:05,425 --> 00:04:07,494 But the real trouble was just beginning. 91 00:04:07,507 --> 00:04:10,746 You see, Schmidt wrote back. And he kept writing back 92 00:04:10,752 --> 00:04:14,755 about any problem he faced: bullies, schoolwork, 93 00:04:14,884 --> 00:04:16,676 public erections. 94 00:04:17,004 --> 00:04:20,335 And for every letter he sent, Michael Keaton sent one back. 95 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,685 Was Winston's version shorter? 96 00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:25,873 Then one day, that tubby goon went off to college. 97 00:04:25,926 --> 00:04:29,629 So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded the secret on her son's only friend, 98 00:04:29,648 --> 00:04:31,786 a man named me. It was me. 99 00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,678 - Yeah, I got that. - Really? People don't... 100 00:04:33,696 --> 00:04:35,429 No, I got it. 101 00:04:35,759 --> 00:04:39,453 College proved tough for Schmidt, and old patterns soon returned. 102 00:04:40,683 --> 00:04:44,519 It became impossible to study, and I knew what I had to do. 103 00:04:44,655 --> 00:04:46,118 - And again... - New message. 104 00:04:46,142 --> 00:04:47,186 ...It worked. 105 00:04:47,205 --> 00:04:51,290 With Keaton in his corner, he pulled himself away from that bag of turkey 106 00:04:51,308 --> 00:04:52,907 - ...and became a man. - One... 107 00:04:52,919 --> 00:04:56,782 He lost five pounds, gained confidence with women... 108 00:04:58,618 --> 00:05:00,509 ...and he saw the hit movie Multiplicity... 109 00:05:00,528 --> 00:05:02,815 - 25 times. - Oh, my God. 110 00:05:02,846 --> 00:05:04,821 You've been cat fishing Schmidt. 111 00:05:04,848 --> 00:05:06,666 Do you think we could use this whole Michael Keaton thing 112 00:05:06,678 --> 00:05:08,548 - ...to turn Schmidt around? - Absolutely. 113 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:10,136 - Great! - But I won't do it. 114 00:05:10,172 --> 00:05:12,857 - Why not? - Because I put it to bed, okay? 115 00:05:12,878 --> 00:05:15,313 It's over. He'll do anything Keaton says. 116 00:05:15,325 --> 00:05:16,982 The letters are too powerful. 117 00:05:17,013 --> 00:05:19,156 I'm lying to my best friend. 118 00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:22,231 And I also feel like I'm betraying the real Keaton, who I really love. 119 00:05:22,249 --> 00:05:24,604 Well, then why did you tell me that whole story, Nick? 120 00:05:24,622 --> 00:05:27,346 Because it's a great story, and I'm a teller of stories. 121 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:29,382 But I won't do it. Sorry. 122 00:05:29,407 --> 00:05:31,101 You think you tell that story better than me? 123 00:05:31,119 --> 00:05:32,831 Look, you leave out way too many details, man. 124 00:05:32,856 --> 00:05:34,511 You don't just say he was chewing a candy bar. 125 00:05:34,536 --> 00:05:37,788 You say he was chewing on a nougat-y candy bar. 126 00:05:37,802 --> 00:05:40,858 That's not the kind of writer I am. I don't say words like "nougat-y." 127 00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:43,357 I'm simple. I'm like Hemingway. 128 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,718 - Hey, Cece. - Oh, hey. 129 00:05:57,743 --> 00:05:59,869 I came to find out if you're coming to my party today. 130 00:05:59,874 --> 00:06:01,419 You never answered my e-mail. 131 00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:04,281 Yeah, I meant to, uh... to tell you I can't make it. 132 00:06:04,343 --> 00:06:05,524 Sorry. Um... 133 00:06:05,536 --> 00:06:09,664 I've been going out drinking a lot lately. It's kind of wiping me out. 134 00:06:11,552 --> 00:06:13,787 Please come to my party, Cece. 135 00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:17,240 - It's Schmidt, you know? I don't think I'm ready for that, so... - Yeah. 136 00:06:17,301 --> 00:06:20,899 What if I could promise you Schmidt wouldn't be there? 137 00:06:27,648 --> 00:06:29,750 - Who wants candy? - Did you go trick-or-treating? 138 00:06:29,768 --> 00:06:34,334 No. I was out, I had my errand tote, and a couple of neighbors gave me candy. 139 00:06:34,371 --> 00:06:35,377 Is that trick-or-treating? 140 00:06:35,394 --> 00:06:37,313 Yes, that's the definition of trick-or-treating, Jess. 141 00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:40,208 Hello! Uh, Jess, I'd like you to know that I've changed my mind, 142 00:06:40,226 --> 00:06:42,300 and I won't be coming to your party tonight. 143 00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:46,369 I've been e-mailing with an old friend of mine, and he made me realize 144 00:06:46,380 --> 00:06:48,560 - ...that I should give Cece her space. - An old friend, huh? 145 00:06:48,590 --> 00:06:51,299 Well, Nick knows. You know, I don't like to throw his name around 146 00:06:51,315 --> 00:06:53,944 because I don't like people treating me any differently, but... 147 00:06:54,046 --> 00:06:55,216 It's Michael Keaton. 148 00:06:55,246 --> 00:06:57,468 What?! 149 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,213 Uh, okay. Calm down. 150 00:07:00,234 --> 00:07:03,069 The actor?! 151 00:07:03,158 --> 00:07:05,079 Seriously, you guys. Don't treat me any different. 152 00:07:05,102 --> 00:07:06,912 He's kind of my friend. Michael Keaton. 153 00:07:06,937 --> 00:07:09,032 There was one time he e-mailed me. He said he was my best friend. 154 00:07:09,111 --> 00:07:13,080 Anyway, we have so much catching up to do, me and Michael, so just enjoy the night. 155 00:07:13,103 --> 00:07:15,438 - That's crazy, Schmidt. - Ah, man. 156 00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:19,193 - What did you do? - Jessica Damn Day. 157 00:07:19,216 --> 00:07:21,222 I just got Schmidt to not come to the party. 158 00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:23,922 Keaton hasn't written Schmidt in three years. 159 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,600 We have no idea how Schmidt is gonna react. 160 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:27,998 If Schmidt finds out Keaton isn't real, 161 00:07:28,013 --> 00:07:30,167 it'll destroy the entire life he has built around him. 162 00:07:30,179 --> 00:07:32,492 We are talking about a Truman Show situation. 163 00:07:32,513 --> 00:07:35,423 Oh, yeah, I love that movie. What part are you talking about? 164 00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,724 Well, I'm talking about the part in the movie 165 00:07:37,755 --> 00:07:41,644 when Truman realizes that his whole life is a lie, and then he goes crazy. 166 00:07:41,666 --> 00:07:44,580 Yeah, yeah, yeah, right there in the middle of the movie. 167 00:07:44,806 --> 00:07:46,188 No, it's the whole movie. 168 00:07:46,201 --> 00:07:47,954 Oh, yeah, I know, I was just... 'cause there's the one... 169 00:07:47,988 --> 00:07:49,403 - There's like a scene. - You haven't seen it. 170 00:07:49,422 --> 00:07:53,041 He didn't see the movie. Okay, guys, he almost found out once. 171 00:07:53,163 --> 00:07:54,768 Now, luckily, I handled it. 172 00:07:55,186 --> 00:07:56,524 I don't understand. 173 00:07:56,535 --> 00:08:00,561 In 1995, he told me specifically that he had never been to Nicaragua. 174 00:08:00,791 --> 00:08:03,021 - It doesn't make any sense. - Aah! 175 00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,337 You have no idea what you've done. 176 00:08:05,577 --> 00:08:09,280 Hey, uh, you guys, do you think that it's too early to e-mail Michael back? 177 00:08:09,301 --> 00:08:10,531 Should I send him an e-card? 178 00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:12,865 Does that change anything, or does that change everything? 179 00:08:12,882 --> 00:08:14,414 - I think you're overthinking it. - You know what? 180 00:08:14,431 --> 00:08:15,662 - You're right. You're right. - Be cool. 181 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,048 I think I'm way too up here, all upstairs. 182 00:08:18,074 --> 00:08:20,237 Got to bring it down... here to here. 183 00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:21,930 Not any lower, though. It's not like that. 184 00:08:21,942 --> 00:08:24,394 - I know it's not. - Bro, it's not like that. 185 00:08:24,419 --> 00:08:26,125 - No one thinks it is, bro. - Cool. 186 00:08:26,171 --> 00:08:27,905 All right. 187 00:08:28,033 --> 00:08:29,346 He's already getting weird. 188 00:08:29,364 --> 00:08:31,262 - Here. - No, Je... 189 00:08:32,325 --> 00:08:34,194 You... come to the master. 190 00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:35,976 What are you writing? 191 00:08:38,491 --> 00:08:41,125 I fixed it again. You're welcome again. 192 00:08:41,148 --> 00:08:43,223 So you just wrote from Keaton, 193 00:08:43,444 --> 00:08:45,621 "I'm going on vacation"? 194 00:08:45,741 --> 00:08:47,611 He would never write that, Jess. 195 00:08:47,645 --> 00:08:49,570 - Why not? - Vacation?! 196 00:08:49,617 --> 00:08:52,273 Oh, Michael, you... stop going away. 197 00:08:53,002 --> 00:08:55,131 I knew this would happen. 198 00:08:56,609 --> 00:08:59,191 - Hey, Schmidt. - Schmidty. 199 00:08:59,535 --> 00:09:01,185 He left me again. 200 00:09:01,359 --> 00:09:03,118 It makes sense. 201 00:09:03,493 --> 00:09:06,236 Why would a guy like Michael Keaton be friends with me anyway? 202 00:09:06,265 --> 00:09:08,700 I'm sure he likes you a lot, Schmidt. 203 00:09:08,733 --> 00:09:10,308 Why would he? 204 00:09:10,557 --> 00:09:14,672 I guess I'll just always be the fat boy who eats fat-boy cheese. 205 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,960 I didn't want to have to do this. 206 00:09:28,832 --> 00:09:30,632 Oh, is that really necessary, Nick? 207 00:09:30,651 --> 00:09:31,794 - Shh. - What? 208 00:09:31,813 --> 00:09:34,186 Let him work. I'm kind of like his Robin. 209 00:09:34,205 --> 00:09:36,130 - You're not like my Robin. - You want to be Robin? 210 00:09:36,149 --> 00:09:39,489 He doesn't have all the responsibilities of Batman, but he can take some of the glory. 211 00:09:39,513 --> 00:09:40,961 - Robin's a joke. - Robin's the joke. 212 00:09:40,979 --> 00:09:42,281 I think we can all agree. 213 00:09:42,307 --> 00:09:44,469 The kids look up to him, you know, in the community. 214 00:09:44,493 --> 00:09:46,896 I haven't been inside Keaton's mind in a long time, 215 00:09:46,917 --> 00:09:49,140 and I need my proper inspiration. 216 00:09:49,486 --> 00:09:50,872 Thank you. 217 00:09:51,206 --> 00:09:52,707 Why do you have a picture of a bear? 218 00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:56,202 The great Michael Keaton attacks each new role 219 00:09:56,226 --> 00:09:59,308 with the ferocity of a hungry brown bear. 220 00:09:59,489 --> 00:10:04,164 It is his entire acting philosophy, which I totally made up. 221 00:10:04,189 --> 00:10:05,793 I sleep with this person. 222 00:10:05,836 --> 00:10:07,574 Speak to me, Keaton. 223 00:10:09,222 --> 00:10:10,522 Mmm. 224 00:10:11,489 --> 00:10:12,658 Here we go. 225 00:10:16,787 --> 00:10:18,821 Oh, hey, Nick, that's incredible. 226 00:10:19,006 --> 00:10:22,567 "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it"? 227 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,199 Yes, I stole that from Nelson Mandela. 228 00:10:25,233 --> 00:10:27,262 I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler. 229 00:10:30,536 --> 00:10:32,134 Oh. All right. 230 00:10:34,011 --> 00:10:35,698 Is that him? Did it work? 231 00:10:36,256 --> 00:10:38,424 He wrote back smiley face. 232 00:10:38,627 --> 00:10:41,588 - He wrote back smiley face. - He wrote back smiley face. 233 00:10:45,507 --> 00:10:48,630 - Trick or treat! - Oh, how adorable. 234 00:10:48,653 --> 00:10:51,791 You know, I just got a treat, too. It's not candy; I'm not a... 235 00:10:51,841 --> 00:10:53,822 Not a dumb little baby like all of you. 236 00:10:53,863 --> 00:10:56,991 "Happy Hallow's Eve." 237 00:10:57,469 --> 00:10:58,971 And send. 238 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,164 - Just give us our candy. - Hush, little boy. 239 00:11:10,067 --> 00:11:11,880 He wrote back. 240 00:11:12,545 --> 00:11:14,377 - "Hi." - Okay, I got this. 241 00:11:14,402 --> 00:11:16,637 "Speak to me, old chum. 242 00:11:16,701 --> 00:11:19,584 "I canceled my trip to provide earthquake relief. 243 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,279 - This seemed more important." - Boom. 244 00:11:21,302 --> 00:11:22,896 - That's so good. - Yeah, it's pretty good. 245 00:11:22,917 --> 00:11:26,367 - You really have the Keaton voice down. - "You're a friend for life." 246 00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:27,934 - That's good. - "M.K." 247 00:11:27,953 --> 00:11:30,533 - I think that's good. - I think that's really good, actually. 248 00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:36,130 Hi. Welcome. Happy Halloween. 249 00:11:36,168 --> 00:11:37,699 Drinks are over there. 250 00:11:37,716 --> 00:11:40,124 - Hey. - Hi. 251 00:11:41,405 --> 00:11:44,561 - What are you supposed to be? - I'm Joey Ramona Quimby. 252 00:11:44,918 --> 00:11:49,633 - I don't get it. - Joey Ramone... a Quimby. 253 00:11:52,009 --> 00:11:54,986 What are you? You look like you're just wearing trash from your car. 254 00:11:55,028 --> 00:11:58,974 No, I'm not. I'm the Paper Mountain Trash King... 255 00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:00,405 I just got trash from my car. 256 00:12:00,424 --> 00:12:04,012 And now the man who once played center for the New York Knicks in the nude, 257 00:12:04,037 --> 00:12:06,224 David Letterman! 258 00:12:06,270 --> 00:12:08,911 - That is a terrible Letterman. - Really? 259 00:12:09,004 --> 00:12:10,929 People at work tell me I look just like Dave. 260 00:12:11,188 --> 00:12:12,652 You look just like Letterman. 261 00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:14,638 You know, I have always thought that. 262 00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:19,204 What, uh, what... uh, Nick, Nick Miller. So you a, uh...? 263 00:12:19,841 --> 00:12:20,745 You're a... 264 00:12:22,965 --> 00:12:24,340 - What is that? - That's, that's his laugh. 265 00:12:24,358 --> 00:12:26,661 - He's never done that. - That's his laugh. 266 00:12:26,687 --> 00:12:28,788 Do you like my costume? 267 00:12:31,210 --> 00:12:32,865 I'm a public serpent. 268 00:12:32,884 --> 00:12:36,142 - Um, I thought you weren't coming. - Oh, I changed my mind. 269 00:12:36,634 --> 00:12:39,234 You know, I reread a few of Keaton's e-mails. 270 00:12:39,350 --> 00:12:40,662 He can be quite cryptic. 271 00:12:40,674 --> 00:12:42,206 I think what he meant when he said that 272 00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:46,243 life was meaningful was really, "Go to the party." 273 00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:49,305 - I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that. - I know Keaton best. 274 00:12:49,332 --> 00:12:52,071 Hey, Winston, by the way, great costume. 275 00:12:52,329 --> 00:12:53,882 Maya Angelou. 276 00:12:54,782 --> 00:12:57,220 Crap. What am I gonna do? Cece's on her way. 277 00:12:57,232 --> 00:12:59,723 Schmidt is rereading e-mails. 278 00:12:59,781 --> 00:13:03,735 Do you know what happens after rereading? Figuring it out. It's The Truman Show. 279 00:13:03,748 --> 00:13:05,230 Truman Show, man, I love that movie. 280 00:13:05,245 --> 00:13:09,088 - I'm not convinced you've ever seen it. - I have; it's about the Civil War. 281 00:13:09,113 --> 00:13:12,011 - Batcave? - Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go. 282 00:13:14,139 --> 00:13:16,746 - Winston, go to Cece's and stall. - Okay, fine. 283 00:13:16,778 --> 00:13:19,824 But I got to hit the little King of the Late Night Talk Show's room first. 284 00:13:19,849 --> 00:13:22,150 Maybe slow down on that. You're not great with booze. 285 00:13:22,164 --> 00:13:24,139 - Hey, I got it, I got it. Um... - You got it? Good. 286 00:13:24,154 --> 00:13:27,092 "You're in grave danger. Leave where you are immediately." 287 00:13:27,117 --> 00:13:28,048 - Send. - Don't! 288 00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:29,082 - You just sent that? - Yeah. 289 00:13:29,095 --> 00:13:31,438 A team has to talk about a decision before you hit send. 290 00:13:31,459 --> 00:13:33,568 Sorry. I thought it was a really good move. 291 00:13:33,830 --> 00:13:36,106 - Trick or treat. - Shh. 292 00:13:36,319 --> 00:13:37,928 All right, you got to fix this. 293 00:13:38,178 --> 00:13:41,230 I'll meet you at your building in 30 minutes. 294 00:13:41,242 --> 00:13:42,105 - Terrible! - Send. 295 00:13:42,135 --> 00:13:43,530 - No! - What? 296 00:13:43,548 --> 00:13:44,933 Now what are we gonna do? 297 00:13:44,975 --> 00:13:46,763 - You told him Keaton was coming here? - No, Nick. 298 00:13:46,787 --> 00:13:49,098 - Are you out of your mind? - It's a stall! It's a stall... 299 00:13:49,124 --> 00:13:51,792 Until we can come up with a better plan. 300 00:13:51,817 --> 00:13:54,018 - Well, who the hell is that? - I don't know. 301 00:13:54,671 --> 00:13:56,621 Trick or treat! 302 00:13:57,899 --> 00:13:59,343 You. 303 00:14:01,056 --> 00:14:04,347 I don't get what you're doing! Are you drunk? 304 00:14:05,735 --> 00:14:06,673 A little. 305 00:14:06,697 --> 00:14:09,714 - What's your endgame here? - It's Halloween night. 306 00:14:09,731 --> 00:14:13,033 This is the night when anyone can dress up in a costume 307 00:14:13,048 --> 00:14:14,947 and be anybody that... they want. 308 00:14:14,966 --> 00:14:17,805 Would you listen to your woman voice for one second? 309 00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:21,047 Oh, you think I'm gonna talk to him in a woman voice when I'm talking to him? 310 00:14:21,062 --> 00:14:22,660 No, I have a character. 311 00:14:22,672 --> 00:14:25,329 You're doing a character? Well, I'd love to hear it. 312 00:14:26,457 --> 00:14:28,158 I'm the Batman. 313 00:14:28,179 --> 00:14:29,960 - Oh. - Right...? 314 00:14:29,973 --> 00:14:32,955 - So good. What, am I in the movie theater, eating popcorn? 315 00:14:34,939 --> 00:14:36,857 Jess, you're also five, four. 316 00:14:36,900 --> 00:14:39,531 Keep going further away. The further you're away, the bigger you look. 317 00:14:39,541 --> 00:14:41,476 - I would say run a little bit. - Nick! 318 00:14:41,574 --> 00:14:43,431 Jess, go! Go... 319 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,232 - Hey. Uh, Nick. - Hey. 320 00:14:45,256 --> 00:14:48,056 By chance, have you seen anyone famous in the vicinity? 321 00:14:48,075 --> 00:14:51,077 This vicinity? Famous? Like, um... 322 00:14:51,688 --> 00:14:54,287 - Look that way. - What? 323 00:14:57,682 --> 00:15:00,339 - Oh, my God. - Yeah, it's unbelievable. 324 00:15:02,981 --> 00:15:04,313 - Well, it's my hero. - Yeah. 325 00:15:04,347 --> 00:15:07,435 - That is Michael Keaton. - Right there. 326 00:15:09,264 --> 00:15:12,195 Why is he wearing his costume from the movie he did 24 years ago? 327 00:15:12,213 --> 00:15:15,134 If he wore the outfit from Clean and Sober, you wouldn't recognize him. 328 00:15:15,153 --> 00:15:18,157 - I'm the Batman. - It's Halloween. Don't overthink it. 329 00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:20,082 Well, you saw him. There he is. Let's get out of here. 330 00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:22,768 - I have to meet him, Nick. I have to. - No, you don't have to meet him. No, no, no... 331 00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:24,556 You're a great kid, Sch... You're a great kid, Schmidt. 332 00:15:24,581 --> 00:15:26,510 No. Let me take you out to eat. I want to buy you something 333 00:15:26,535 --> 00:15:28,424 - 'cause you met your hero. - Go to an all-night diner. 334 00:15:28,455 --> 00:15:30,733 - No, I have to meet... Got to meet him. - He's got to... 335 00:15:30,750 --> 00:15:33,138 - It's Michael Keaton! - Go get a blintz or two! 336 00:15:33,378 --> 00:15:34,384 Aah! 337 00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:37,736 - Michael! It's me Schmidt. - See you later, Michael! Take off! 338 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:38,897 We have so much to talk about. 339 00:15:38,903 --> 00:15:41,285 Our heroes are never who we want them to be! 340 00:15:41,305 --> 00:15:42,605 Oh. 341 00:15:43,849 --> 00:15:46,318 Oh. You met him. 342 00:15:46,552 --> 00:15:49,611 - It's Keaton. - Come on, you guys. I know. 343 00:15:50,373 --> 00:15:52,919 I've known the whole time. What, do you think I'm stupid? 344 00:15:53,226 --> 00:15:54,793 No. It just... I... 345 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:56,853 Just don't really know what to say in this situation. 346 00:15:56,869 --> 00:15:58,407 Look, please don't blame Nick. It's not his fault. 347 00:15:58,436 --> 00:16:00,794 You should be ashamed of yourselves. 348 00:16:00,977 --> 00:16:03,613 How dare you hack into the private e-mail account 349 00:16:03,634 --> 00:16:06,154 of one of our nation's finest actors! 350 00:16:08,470 --> 00:16:10,299 I'm gonna have to tell Michael about this. 351 00:16:10,478 --> 00:16:12,428 No! No! 352 00:16:12,459 --> 00:16:15,778 - No, don't tell Michael! - Jess, please stop. 353 00:16:16,780 --> 00:16:19,424 Thank you for what you're trying to do, but it's over. 354 00:16:19,553 --> 00:16:21,446 It has to be over. 355 00:16:22,436 --> 00:16:25,772 Schmidt, I'm Michael Keaton. 356 00:16:27,315 --> 00:16:32,086 I'm the owner of the e-mail address KeatonPotatoes@aol.com. 357 00:16:32,894 --> 00:16:34,474 What? 358 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,408 It was me... 359 00:16:36,433 --> 00:16:38,215 The whole time. 360 00:16:38,429 --> 00:16:39,814 No... 361 00:16:40,135 --> 00:16:41,154 No, you can't... 362 00:16:41,179 --> 00:16:44,398 How do you think I know that you kissed the bus driver at spring break? 363 00:16:44,518 --> 00:16:48,746 Or that you want to open up a glassware boutique in Connecticut? 364 00:16:49,165 --> 00:16:51,587 - Or about the wall hole? - This is impossible! I've been... 365 00:16:51,627 --> 00:16:53,526 I've been writing with Michael Keaton since I was a kid! 366 00:16:53,550 --> 00:16:56,362 Your mother came up with the idea, Schmidt. 367 00:16:56,441 --> 00:17:00,344 - But since college, it's been me. - My mom? 368 00:17:00,928 --> 00:17:03,568 You're gonna tell me that my mom helped me with my public erections? 369 00:17:03,593 --> 00:17:05,116 I drew pictures! 370 00:17:05,629 --> 00:17:07,976 He didn't want you to find out this way. 371 00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:11,956 Hey. 372 00:17:15,569 --> 00:17:17,479 - I got to go. - Wait. Schmidt! 373 00:17:17,751 --> 00:17:20,635 - Oh! Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Uh... - A bully! Get him! 374 00:17:20,655 --> 00:17:22,489 Oh! Oh! 375 00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:24,519 - Come on. - Hey, kids, get out of here! 376 00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:27,645 - Scat! Scat! - Back off! 377 00:17:31,261 --> 00:17:35,389 Cece, wait. I swear, I did not know he was gonna be here. I'm so sorry. 378 00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:37,918 No, Jess. It's-it's fine. Okay, it's fine. 379 00:17:37,950 --> 00:17:39,488 In fact... 380 00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,208 it's actually kind of perfect. 381 00:17:42,237 --> 00:17:46,268 I think, since this whole thing went down, I've just been running away. 382 00:17:46,305 --> 00:17:50,349 You know, I mean, actually seeing Schmidt, I... 383 00:17:51,322 --> 00:17:53,992 I finally feel like I have some closure. 384 00:17:54,011 --> 00:17:56,058 Well, good. I'm glad. 385 00:17:56,134 --> 00:17:58,068 You deserve some. 386 00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:02,527 So let's fire up the Batman Mobile, 387 00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:05,540 go to a taco stand and eat some feelings, okay? 388 00:18:05,571 --> 00:18:07,742 Okay, I just... I think it's Batmobile. 389 00:18:07,768 --> 00:18:08,968 Batman Mobile. 390 00:18:08,999 --> 00:18:10,344 No. 391 00:18:10,462 --> 00:18:11,757 Batmobile. 392 00:18:11,828 --> 00:18:13,491 That's what I said... Batman Mobile. 393 00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:15,301 You're putting the man... There's no man. It's just Bat... 394 00:18:15,338 --> 00:18:17,686 - Batman Mobile. - ...Mobile. Batman Mobile. 395 00:18:17,724 --> 00:18:19,881 - Batmobile. Drop the man. - Bat... Yeah. 396 00:18:19,934 --> 00:18:21,473 Batman Mobile. 397 00:18:21,608 --> 00:18:23,208 Batmobile. 398 00:18:23,979 --> 00:18:25,821 Batmo-mobile. 399 00:18:26,743 --> 00:18:30,699 So it was you who helped me through my first breakup with Elizabeth? 400 00:18:31,286 --> 00:18:32,667 Yeah, Schmidt. 401 00:18:33,024 --> 00:18:36,159 And it was you, not Keaton, 402 00:18:36,184 --> 00:18:39,422 who told me that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants? 403 00:18:39,455 --> 00:18:42,768 Yes, but that one I feel like I shouldn't have had to. 404 00:18:42,786 --> 00:18:45,060 They're unbelevably comfortable. 405 00:18:45,441 --> 00:18:49,192 What about that time that we saw Michael Keaton at that deli, 406 00:18:49,368 --> 00:18:52,028 and he stopped, and he winked? 407 00:18:52,159 --> 00:18:54,103 Honestly, I can't explain that one. 408 00:18:54,127 --> 00:18:56,518 It was just the weirdest day of my whole life. 409 00:18:57,325 --> 00:18:58,994 My friend Michael. 410 00:18:59,991 --> 00:19:04,960 Oh, Schmidt, look, I know this is hard, okay? 411 00:19:05,375 --> 00:19:07,831 But honestly, I was just trying to help. 412 00:19:09,213 --> 00:19:12,370 You don't need Keaton. You got me. 413 00:19:14,813 --> 00:19:17,170 - What was that? - I'm so sorry. 414 00:19:17,303 --> 00:19:18,941 What... Why would you say something like that? 415 00:19:18,959 --> 00:19:22,236 Because I hurt you, and I've been wanting to fix this for years. 416 00:19:22,272 --> 00:19:25,416 The end of a high school football movie? 417 00:19:25,453 --> 00:19:30,214 I'm really sorry I pretended to be Keaton for the last 12 years. It's super weird. 418 00:19:31,529 --> 00:19:33,696 Are we good? 419 00:19:35,162 --> 00:19:36,756 Yeah. 420 00:19:36,868 --> 00:19:38,622 We're good. 421 00:19:46,613 --> 00:19:49,016 Well, Nicholas, I came to a decision last night. 422 00:19:49,122 --> 00:19:52,754 I'm entering a new chapter in my life, and I think it best that I do it alone. 423 00:19:52,799 --> 00:19:54,765 You're going to one of those weekend spas again, buddy? 424 00:19:54,783 --> 00:19:57,596 No. In the famous words of singer-songwriter Billy Joel... 425 00:19:57,621 --> 00:19:58,890 - Don't do this. - I'm moving out. 426 00:19:58,902 --> 00:20:00,214 You're the worst. 427 00:20:00,252 --> 00:20:02,783 - Schmidt, I thought you said we were good. - No, we're great, 428 00:20:02,811 --> 00:20:04,492 but I'm going. Two separate things. 429 00:20:04,519 --> 00:20:07,280 I made the call this morning. I got a new place. I'm out. 430 00:20:07,301 --> 00:20:09,614 - You're not going anywhere. - I'm going. 431 00:20:09,634 --> 00:20:12,865 Goodness, uh, I think somebody had sex in my bedroom last night. 432 00:20:12,890 --> 00:20:14,365 I think that because they're still in there... 433 00:20:14,386 --> 00:20:16,110 - Having sex, I think. - Ugh! 434 00:20:17,277 --> 00:20:19,353 Hey, Schmidt. You going to a weekend spa again? 435 00:20:19,371 --> 00:20:22,006 - No. Striking out on my own. - Wait. What?! 436 00:20:22,058 --> 00:20:23,789 You're moving out? He's not moving out, is he? 437 00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:25,451 Schmidt, you can't move out. Who's gonna do my fades? 438 00:20:25,464 --> 00:20:27,588 Yeah, who's gonna do his fades? 439 00:20:29,419 --> 00:20:31,087 Believe this is mine. 440 00:20:32,756 --> 00:20:34,924 Well, I bid you all adieu. 441 00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:36,637 - Stop it, Schmidt. Oh, Schmidt! - Are you serious? 442 00:20:36,661 --> 00:20:38,317 - Schmidt, come on. - Come on. 443 00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:39,677 - Seriously? Come on! - Stop with the show! 444 00:20:39,689 --> 00:20:42,107 You can't even fit all your socks in that suitcase. 445 00:20:42,624 --> 00:20:46,018 Get your last looks, 'cause who knows when we'll see each other again? 446 00:20:47,031 --> 00:20:48,974 Or where. 447 00:20:55,494 --> 00:20:58,471 Wait. You're just moving in across the hall? 448 00:20:58,488 --> 00:21:00,775 I can't hear you... 'cause I'm gone. 449 00:21:00,799 --> 00:21:02,933 Schmidt, it would take me longer to walk from the kitchen 450 00:21:02,951 --> 00:21:06,133 to the bathroom than it would from here to where you are. 451 00:21:06,171 --> 00:21:08,503 Oh, you are kidding me. 452 00:21:08,741 --> 00:21:11,049 - I can see your feet! - Me, too. 453 00:21:11,081 --> 00:21:12,187 Shut up. 454 00:21:12,318 --> 00:21:14,318 Guy's an idiot... 455 00:21:15,079 --> 00:21:16,974 See you tomorrow, Schmidt... 456 00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:20,087 Woo! I'm alone! 457 00:21:20,326 --> 00:21:22,645 I'm alone! I'm alone... 458 00:21:23,039 --> 00:21:24,906 I'm alone... 459 00:21:29,471 --> 00:21:31,332 Score, touchd... 460 00:21:32,648 --> 00:21:36,012 Hahaha... Yeah. Shut up, Winston. 461 00:21:36,379 --> 00:21:38,185 Stupid jerk! 462 00:21:38,544 --> 00:21:43,544 Sync & corrections: Reef www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther