1 00:00:02,631 --> 00:00:05,173 Oh, hey. I was wondering about date night tonight. 2 00:00:05,198 --> 00:00:08,117 Um, do you wanna just stay in? 'Cause you know what that means. 3 00:00:08,137 --> 00:00:10,325 - Romantic dinner and "Homeland"? - Sex on the couch. 4 00:00:10,349 --> 00:00:11,241 Or your thing. 5 00:00:11,260 --> 00:00:13,352 - Actually, "Homeland" sounds great. - Or your thing. 6 00:00:13,372 --> 00:00:15,086 Hey, Nick, um... 7 00:00:15,192 --> 00:00:17,358 Last night when Ferguson and I were in the shower, 8 00:00:17,380 --> 00:00:18,655 I had an epiphany. 9 00:00:18,679 --> 00:00:21,786 It's time to get back in the game. You know, meet some women. 10 00:00:21,825 --> 00:00:24,755 - Human women. - Human? Is there any other kind? 11 00:00:24,770 --> 00:00:26,718 Anyway, I was wondering if you'd watch Ferguson tonight 12 00:00:26,738 --> 00:00:28,668 while I go out for some drinks with some work buddies. 13 00:00:28,684 --> 00:00:30,832 Just for a little while. You just gotta give him a pill at 6:00. 14 00:00:30,857 --> 00:00:32,500 - We're having date night tonight. - Jess... 15 00:00:32,519 --> 00:00:36,939 Winston wants to go out to meet human women. 16 00:00:37,006 --> 00:00:39,911 - Without the cat. - Oh, yep, yep. 17 00:00:39,929 --> 00:00:42,897 Yep, yep. Nick will watch the cat. 18 00:00:42,948 --> 00:00:45,213 Question... Are those mouth pills or butt pills? 19 00:00:45,229 --> 00:00:48,166 Just one pill. Just one butt pill. 20 00:00:48,588 --> 00:00:50,014 - Here you are. - I'm not touching that thing. 21 00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:51,843 No? Okay. 22 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:53,946 - Thanks, man. - Yeah. You got it. 23 00:00:53,957 --> 00:00:55,799 Hey, guys. Just hanging at home tonight? 24 00:00:55,824 --> 00:00:58,876 - No, actually, we have a date tonight. - 'Cause I just made some cobbler. 25 00:00:58,901 --> 00:01:01,346 Some peach cobbler and slow-churned vanilla bean ice cream, 26 00:01:01,367 --> 00:01:04,174 and Coach is asking Cece out on a date tonight, and... 27 00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,259 Does anybody want a bite of this, 'cause it's...? 28 00:01:06,295 --> 00:01:08,601 Ho! Ho! 29 00:01:09,177 --> 00:01:10,822 It's fresh out of the oven. 30 00:01:10,932 --> 00:01:12,495 It's piping hot! 31 00:01:12,526 --> 00:01:14,124 Ha! Ha! 32 00:01:14,898 --> 00:01:16,379 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 33 00:01:16,398 --> 00:01:19,257 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess ♪ 34 00:01:19,285 --> 00:01:22,762 Sync and corrected by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 35 00:01:23,432 --> 00:01:25,563 Well, I hope Coach at least ran this by you first. 36 00:01:25,576 --> 00:01:29,063 Coach came over, he followed the bro code. Actually went really well. 37 00:01:29,121 --> 00:01:32,265 Yeah. Just the man I wanted to see. 38 00:01:32,290 --> 00:01:33,696 - You found me. - Yeah, I did. 39 00:01:33,714 --> 00:01:35,948 - I got a question for you, playa. - Drop the bomb, man! 40 00:01:37,311 --> 00:01:40,867 - Can I ask Cece out on a date? - Yeah! Wait, what? 41 00:01:41,074 --> 00:01:44,590 Wait, that's so great for Cece. Coach is super hot. 42 00:01:46,475 --> 00:01:48,529 Wrong crowd. I see that now. 43 00:01:48,568 --> 00:01:52,110 Be that as it may, you blew it with Cece, so you have to be fine with this. 44 00:01:52,131 --> 00:01:53,635 - I am. - You are? 45 00:01:53,657 --> 00:01:55,495 - I promise I am. - You are? 46 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,314 - 100% fine. - You're fine? 47 00:01:57,339 --> 00:01:59,309 - Yeah, I'm absolutely fine. - Really? 48 00:01:59,330 --> 00:02:01,763 It's good for Cece, it's good for Coach, it's good for America. 49 00:02:01,785 --> 00:02:04,160 Who knows? We might even get another Tiger Woods out of this situation. 50 00:02:04,187 --> 00:02:05,380 Wouldn't that be nice? 51 00:02:05,424 --> 00:02:09,175 I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Who knows if Cece will even say yes? 52 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,438 She said yes! 53 00:02:10,458 --> 00:02:12,783 We're going to the Staples Center to watch a game tonight. 54 00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:17,847 - Are you still... Are you cool with this? - Hmm? 55 00:02:18,519 --> 00:02:21,872 I mean, 'cause all you have to do is say the word, man, and I'll back off, for real. 56 00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:23,572 N... No, man. 57 00:02:23,590 --> 00:02:25,497 Come on. Date that thing. 58 00:02:25,514 --> 00:02:27,985 - Yeah! And then date it again. - All right. 59 00:02:27,997 --> 00:02:30,435 - It's not gonna date itself. - Yeah, date it all night long. 60 00:02:30,461 --> 00:02:31,949 I'm kind of nervous! 61 00:02:33,379 --> 00:02:34,611 Yeah, I'm nervous. 62 00:02:34,632 --> 00:02:36,553 Yeah, I'm really nervous. Um... 63 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,340 I mean, she's beautiful and she's super cool. 64 00:02:38,368 --> 00:02:39,925 And it's just, like... Like, you don't even know. 65 00:02:39,950 --> 00:02:42,581 - I 100% know. - Yes, you kno... You know. 66 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:44,543 She stopped the wedding because of me, so I'm just saying. 67 00:02:44,563 --> 00:02:46,226 And then I ruined it 'cause I had my own thing. 68 00:02:46,251 --> 00:02:48,857 Malia broke up with me and that kind of, like, threw my head for a loop, 69 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,228 so I'm super vulnerable right now. It's like... I don't know. 70 00:02:51,248 --> 00:02:54,560 - Think I'm feeling kind of insecure. - Come on. You're Coach. 71 00:02:54,582 --> 00:02:56,150 - You're the Coach. - Yeah. 72 00:02:56,166 --> 00:02:59,641 You're the prize. Remember, you're the prize. 73 00:03:00,041 --> 00:03:01,685 - You're the prize. - I'm Coach! 74 00:03:01,702 --> 00:03:03,670 Yeah, you're Coach. 75 00:03:03,872 --> 00:03:05,821 - She doesn't stand a chance! - Oh, yeah, well... 76 00:03:05,848 --> 00:03:08,598 - She's gonna get it good! - Yeah! Or you could take it slow! 77 00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,764 - Nah, I'm gunning it! - Oh, oh! Y-you're gonna gun it. 78 00:03:10,782 --> 00:03:12,454 - I am gunning it. Yes. - You're gonna gun it for real? 79 00:03:12,477 --> 00:03:14,733 That first-class ass is sitting in coach tonight. 80 00:03:14,779 --> 00:03:19,186 And best believe, my seat will be in an upright and locked position. 81 00:03:19,578 --> 00:03:20,843 Thanks, Schmidt. 82 00:03:23,611 --> 00:03:25,817 Oh... boy. 83 00:03:25,847 --> 00:03:27,149 He's gonna gun it. 84 00:03:27,184 --> 00:03:30,098 I don't know if you heard that, but he said he's going to gun it. 85 00:03:34,634 --> 00:03:36,468 - He's really not fine. - When he says, 86 00:03:36,486 --> 00:03:39,023 "I'm fine," he's about to get un-fine. 87 00:03:39,745 --> 00:03:41,413 Aw, Schmidters. 88 00:03:41,666 --> 00:03:43,586 There's gonna be other open mics. 89 00:03:43,601 --> 00:03:45,636 With sturdier stools. 90 00:03:46,076 --> 00:03:48,339 - I'm fine. - I know you're fine. 91 00:03:48,356 --> 00:03:51,169 Then they'll see your rap skills. Then... 92 00:03:51,226 --> 00:03:54,243 Hey. Stop! You just said you were fine! 93 00:03:54,265 --> 00:03:56,528 - You just said you were fine! - Let me die! 94 00:03:56,576 --> 00:03:58,203 Look. I know Schmidt. 95 00:03:58,489 --> 00:04:00,861 He's gonna try and stop that date from happening. 96 00:04:00,885 --> 00:04:03,621 - So the strategy is containment. - Okay. 97 00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:05,282 - Okay. - We got to lock him up. 98 00:04:05,302 --> 00:04:08,429 Distract him like a baby. If he gets out of line, we got to get physical. 99 00:04:08,451 --> 00:04:09,995 We're gonna get physical with a baby? 100 00:04:10,008 --> 00:04:13,639 - Please don't question me. I'm a pro. - Or we could help him move on. 101 00:04:13,666 --> 00:04:15,620 Take him out, get him drunk, maybe meet someone new? 102 00:04:15,638 --> 00:04:17,632 No. We just got to keep him in a safe place. 103 00:04:17,656 --> 00:04:20,124 - I wish I had that dog cage. - What? 104 00:04:20,139 --> 00:04:22,966 When you see a dog cage for sale, you buy it. 105 00:04:23,003 --> 00:04:25,404 Hey, Jess, about tonight, I'm so sorry. 106 00:04:25,412 --> 00:04:28,423 We'll have date night when we're marrie... Da, burp a durp a durp. 107 00:04:28,443 --> 00:04:32,093 - What did you just... - Merry. When we're very Merry Christmas. 108 00:04:32,111 --> 00:04:33,591 All right, moving on. 109 00:04:34,653 --> 00:04:36,145 Hey, uh... 110 00:04:36,537 --> 00:04:38,467 I'm having second thoughts about Coach and Cece. 111 00:04:38,485 --> 00:04:40,397 Maybe I should stop their date. 112 00:04:40,453 --> 00:04:41,928 Smarten up! 113 00:04:41,972 --> 00:04:44,047 Thank you. Um... 114 00:04:44,087 --> 00:04:47,023 Did you get a chance to get that, uh... the dog cage? 115 00:04:47,052 --> 00:04:49,114 - No. I feel bad. - You didn't? 116 00:04:49,133 --> 00:04:50,983 - That was the solution. - I know it was. 117 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,706 Yeah, Jess, so I j... I just... I just buzzed him up. 118 00:04:53,737 --> 00:04:56,896 I... He asked me out on a date, and I said yes. 119 00:04:56,919 --> 00:04:59,400 We're both going through a breakup right now, which is good, right? 120 00:04:59,425 --> 00:05:00,273 Totally. 121 00:05:00,292 --> 00:05:01,905 Gun it. Gun it! 122 00:05:02,831 --> 00:05:04,425 - He's here. - Don't go past second base. 123 00:05:04,450 --> 00:05:05,884 Okay. Bye. 124 00:05:07,662 --> 00:05:09,401 - Hey. - Hey. 125 00:05:09,427 --> 00:05:12,869 Wow. Uh, y-you look... amazing. 126 00:05:13,071 --> 00:05:14,140 Aw. 127 00:05:14,151 --> 00:05:15,959 You look... 128 00:05:16,911 --> 00:05:18,169 this. 129 00:05:18,195 --> 00:05:20,869 I give you this 'cause you look... 130 00:05:20,890 --> 00:05:23,740 ...this, this and this. 131 00:05:23,765 --> 00:05:26,285 - I'll give you all these. No. - Thank... 132 00:05:27,216 --> 00:05:29,655 - I'm really excited about the game. - Yeah! 133 00:05:29,713 --> 00:05:31,901 Yeah. Yeah. 134 00:05:32,051 --> 00:05:34,089 - I'm gonna go get my purse. - Okay, cool. 135 00:05:34,117 --> 00:05:35,667 What is wrong with you? 136 00:05:35,685 --> 00:05:38,752 You're the prize! You're the prize! Get it together. 137 00:05:40,743 --> 00:05:43,043 - Hey. What's up, man? - Hey. 138 00:05:44,671 --> 00:05:47,857 That's what's up, that's what's up, that's what's up. 139 00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:50,998 Really appreciate this, guys. 140 00:05:54,648 --> 00:05:56,410 - Are you guys hungry? - Always. Yeah. 141 00:05:56,441 --> 00:05:58,297 Great. I'm gonna go get some food from the Staples Center. 142 00:05:58,338 --> 00:06:00,154 - Hey, easy. Chill out. - Okay. All right. 143 00:06:00,175 --> 00:06:01,650 You're right, you're right. Great call. 144 00:06:01,673 --> 00:06:02,833 Hey, Winston. 145 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:05,644 Hey. What happened to you? I thought you were supposed to go to a party. 146 00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:09,229 Yeah, it's been so long that I think I forgot how to talk to women. 147 00:06:09,413 --> 00:06:12,356 You ever wonder if someone in here has killed someone? 148 00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:17,406 Ferguson is his name. Yeah, he's my cat. Here's him in a cowboy hat. 149 00:06:17,425 --> 00:06:19,759 Good lord, darling, how big are your feet? 150 00:06:20,383 --> 00:06:23,242 You know what? It's fine. I'll be alone my whole life. 151 00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:25,654 You know, Hank Aaron was alone for every home run he hit. 152 00:06:25,688 --> 00:06:27,407 As long as I got Ferguson. 153 00:06:27,463 --> 00:06:29,118 Speaking of which, where is that cat? 154 00:06:29,135 --> 00:06:30,163 Ferguson! 155 00:06:31,779 --> 00:06:33,867 That's strange. He usually comes when I call him. 156 00:06:35,091 --> 00:06:38,057 Nick, you left the window open? Oh, my God, no. 157 00:06:38,076 --> 00:06:39,045 - Nick! - What? 158 00:06:39,058 --> 00:06:41,184 You know he always trying to kick it with those pigeons. 159 00:06:41,208 --> 00:06:42,108 Nick, you let him out. 160 00:06:42,133 --> 00:06:43,778 I did... I didn't mean to. I just opened the window. 161 00:06:43,790 --> 00:06:46,103 - Man, I asked you to do one thing! - Winston, I'm really sorry. 162 00:06:46,128 --> 00:06:47,847 - This is your fault, man! - I feel terrible, Winston. 163 00:06:47,871 --> 00:06:49,566 You're gonna help me find him! 164 00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:51,518 Winston, don't leave... Winston... 165 00:06:51,538 --> 00:06:52,906 Okay, I'm coming, buddy. 166 00:06:52,931 --> 00:06:55,400 Jess, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to stay here and keep an eye on Schmidt. 167 00:06:55,418 --> 00:06:58,110 No! No, no, no. You can't leave me here with him. 168 00:06:58,136 --> 00:07:00,330 No, she's right. You can't do that. What if it gets rough? 169 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:02,739 Nick, he is in pain. I can feel it. 170 00:07:02,763 --> 00:07:03,651 - Don't you go! - Stay! 171 00:07:03,675 --> 00:07:05,963 - I am so scared, man! - What do you want me to do, Jess? 172 00:07:05,976 --> 00:07:07,863 - Stay. - Don't you dare go. - Everybody settle! 173 00:07:07,887 --> 00:07:11,871 Look, this is my fault. Winston, I'm coming with you. Schmidt, just get it together. 174 00:07:11,895 --> 00:07:15,796 Jess, I'm sorry. Just keep him here and keep his mind off the date. I have to go. 175 00:07:15,861 --> 00:07:17,474 - I'm sorry. - We got to go. 176 00:07:17,519 --> 00:07:19,362 Let's find that damn cat! 177 00:07:21,307 --> 00:07:22,940 What do you think Coach and Cece are doing right now? 178 00:07:22,965 --> 00:07:25,271 - I don't know. - They probably just sat down. 179 00:07:25,283 --> 00:07:27,107 Touching thighs for the first time. 180 00:07:27,148 --> 00:07:28,806 - I'm gonna go stop that date! - No! 181 00:07:35,294 --> 00:07:37,351 Is that literally all you have? 182 00:07:38,599 --> 00:07:40,549 Oh, my God, we're screwed. 183 00:07:40,912 --> 00:07:42,591 - Nick! - Nick! 184 00:07:46,865 --> 00:07:48,297 Uh, think. 185 00:07:48,322 --> 00:07:51,891 Coach gave me an out. He said, "Just say the word and it's off." 186 00:07:51,908 --> 00:07:54,870 - And you know what? I'm just gonna say the word. - No! No! 187 00:07:54,901 --> 00:07:57,292 - You call, you say the word. - No, Schmidt! 188 00:07:57,464 --> 00:08:00,983 God, you can't do that to Cece. She's just starting to move on. 189 00:08:01,062 --> 00:08:02,602 All we have to do is get through the night. 190 00:08:02,626 --> 00:08:04,835 - Just get through the night. - Just have to get your mind off her. 191 00:08:04,874 --> 00:08:06,390 What do you want to start with? 192 00:08:06,534 --> 00:08:07,915 ♪ Play it now ♪ 193 00:08:07,947 --> 00:08:10,610 ♪ Play it now, my baby ♪ 194 00:08:10,628 --> 00:08:12,993 ♪ Cracklin' Rosie, get on by ♪ 195 00:08:13,007 --> 00:08:14,408 What's-what's happening? 196 00:08:18,251 --> 00:08:19,932 Maybe just go no shoes. I don't know. 197 00:08:19,962 --> 00:08:22,131 Okay, and this one's tenth grade, so... 198 00:08:22,253 --> 00:08:23,353 This one's from Evan G. 199 00:08:23,367 --> 00:08:26,246 Evan G. was the captain of the water polo team. 200 00:08:26,288 --> 00:08:28,523 "Hey, Jess, we both like lunch." 201 00:08:28,896 --> 00:08:29,939 That's true. 202 00:08:29,964 --> 00:08:31,658 Oh, lean in... Aw, dude... 203 00:08:31,684 --> 00:08:34,687 ♪ Play it now, play it now ♪ 204 00:08:35,170 --> 00:08:38,240 - ♪ My baby ♪ - ♪ Cracklin' Rosie, get on board ♪ 205 00:08:38,276 --> 00:08:41,479 Camryn Manheim represents a woman who was heckled by a carnival clown, 206 00:08:41,497 --> 00:08:43,778 - and Dylan McDermott says... - I can't stop thinking about Cece! 207 00:08:43,797 --> 00:08:46,218 Okay! Nick said this would work. Sit down. 208 00:08:46,241 --> 00:08:47,690 Stop thinking about Cece. 209 00:08:47,713 --> 00:08:48,730 Wow. 210 00:08:49,506 --> 00:08:52,981 Look at this leather. It's so smooth, brown. 211 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:56,497 It's just like Cece. 212 00:08:56,529 --> 00:08:57,592 That's weird. 213 00:08:57,629 --> 00:08:59,653 You're right. I'm just gonna lay down for a little bit. 214 00:08:59,679 --> 00:09:00,822 Okay. 215 00:09:03,486 --> 00:09:05,684 Oh, yeah, this feels good. 216 00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:15,038 Okay. 217 00:09:15,051 --> 00:09:16,666 What are you doing, Schmidt? 218 00:09:16,684 --> 00:09:18,369 - Nothing, just go. - No, no, no, no. 219 00:09:18,387 --> 00:09:21,183 - Just go away. - Okay... Schmidt, hey. 220 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:24,201 No! We're getting you out of here, and we're gonna get you a new woman, okay? 221 00:09:24,219 --> 00:09:25,929 Nick said to stay home. 222 00:09:25,947 --> 00:09:27,849 Well, Nick doesn't know everything, Schmidt. 223 00:09:27,876 --> 00:09:30,951 And please stop this. This is so disgusting. I can't even look at you. 224 00:09:30,977 --> 00:09:33,671 - Come on, this is gross. This is getting really weird. - Please! Just one more kiss! 225 00:09:33,689 --> 00:09:36,317 No, you're kissing a sectional, you dummy! 226 00:09:36,334 --> 00:09:37,697 All right. 227 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,679 That was the right move. You did good. 228 00:09:41,793 --> 00:09:43,526 - Ferguson! - Ferguson! 229 00:09:43,811 --> 00:09:45,580 - Ferguson! - Come here, buddy! 230 00:09:45,596 --> 00:09:47,329 Come on, you little son of a bitch! 231 00:09:47,575 --> 00:09:48,870 We should do another lap around the park. 232 00:09:48,884 --> 00:09:51,131 I bet those mean-ass kids playing frisbee are gone by now. 233 00:09:51,192 --> 00:09:52,623 Winston... 234 00:09:52,904 --> 00:09:54,476 We've looked everywhere. 235 00:09:54,495 --> 00:09:56,275 What are you do...? Winston. 236 00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:57,822 Damn it! 237 00:09:58,679 --> 00:10:00,235 I should've never gone to that party. 238 00:10:00,252 --> 00:10:02,040 Nah, the party was a good thing. 239 00:10:02,059 --> 00:10:03,995 - You should go to more parties. - Really? 240 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:07,393 I got shot down by, I don't know, 16 or so different women. 241 00:10:07,420 --> 00:10:11,372 And then I come home to find out that you have misplaced my best friend. 242 00:10:11,388 --> 00:10:13,224 - Ferguson's your best friend now? - Yes! 243 00:10:13,239 --> 00:10:15,780 Would you listen to yourself? This is pathetic. 244 00:10:15,903 --> 00:10:17,316 - Whoa. - "Pathetic" is harsh. 245 00:10:17,326 --> 00:10:20,182 - I didn't mean... - Friends don't call friends pathetic. 246 00:10:20,207 --> 00:10:23,730 Well, what do friends do when their other friend is taking a shower with a cat? 247 00:10:26,743 --> 00:10:28,110 Wait, wait, wait! 248 00:10:28,164 --> 00:10:30,055 I just got a text. Somebody found him. 249 00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:31,906 - No way! Ferguson? - Yes. 250 00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:33,481 Yes! Don't do that at all. 251 00:10:33,503 --> 00:10:35,370 If that cat's alive, we're made up. 252 00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:39,585 How you liking that merch? 253 00:10:40,136 --> 00:10:41,593 Oh, it's... 254 00:10:41,787 --> 00:10:43,853 - It's great, thanks. - Yeah, yeah. 255 00:10:45,203 --> 00:10:47,463 - You want a pretzel? - No, I'm-I'm fine, thanks. 256 00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,520 It wasn't a question. Hey, yo, slice! 257 00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:52,424 Let me get about seven of them hot things! 258 00:10:52,899 --> 00:10:55,660 You worried about the money? It's cool, I got it, babe. 259 00:10:56,509 --> 00:10:58,668 Coach had a good year today. 260 00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:03,477 Yeah, when I-I agreed to go out with you, this isn't exactly what I expected. 261 00:11:03,503 --> 00:11:05,934 I know, I hear that a lot, I hear that a lot. 262 00:11:08,943 --> 00:11:10,352 Uh-oh! 263 00:11:10,381 --> 00:11:11,903 Ha-ha! Look at that. 264 00:11:12,031 --> 00:11:13,665 Coach is blowing up. 265 00:11:13,924 --> 00:11:15,164 Oh. 266 00:11:15,268 --> 00:11:16,706 I'll just... 267 00:11:17,208 --> 00:11:19,347 - Thanks. - Damn it. 268 00:11:20,064 --> 00:11:21,864 I can't mingle with this trash. 269 00:11:21,885 --> 00:11:24,498 - I've been to the mountaintop. - Okay, look. Look at me. 270 00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:27,060 You are moving on. Now, where's the old Schmidt? 271 00:11:27,095 --> 00:11:29,995 When I moved into the loft, you used to pull so many ladies. 272 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,198 You were legendary. 273 00:11:31,220 --> 00:11:34,726 That year, uh, Hurricane Schmidt did-did demolish 274 00:11:34,744 --> 00:11:36,714 - a number of beach communities. - Right. 275 00:11:36,749 --> 00:11:38,917 All right, we're gonna go talk to this girl over here. 276 00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:40,749 She's on a flip phone, Jess. 277 00:11:40,769 --> 00:11:43,021 I mean, she's either poor or a time traveler. 278 00:11:43,393 --> 00:11:45,581 Hi! This is my friend Schmidt. 279 00:11:45,596 --> 00:11:47,815 And he's sweet and he's smart. 280 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,431 And he has a job that I don't really understand, but seems to pay him well. 281 00:11:50,458 --> 00:11:51,790 - Schmidt, sit down. - Okay. 282 00:11:52,049 --> 00:11:54,098 I'm gonna give you two a moment. 283 00:11:57,251 --> 00:11:58,408 Look, 284 00:11:58,433 --> 00:11:59,596 you're a beautiful woman. 285 00:11:59,621 --> 00:12:02,542 In another life, we certainly would've been lovers, but... 286 00:12:02,574 --> 00:12:05,996 my soul mate is at a Sparks game right now with another man. 287 00:12:06,025 --> 00:12:07,037 I need to go get her. 288 00:12:07,052 --> 00:12:08,918 - Oh, you poor thing... - Please don't interrupt me. 289 00:12:08,952 --> 00:12:11,865 Now, do you see that bug-eyed woman over there? 290 00:12:13,758 --> 00:12:16,195 I need to ditch her so that I can go fulfill my destiny. 291 00:12:16,219 --> 00:12:18,032 Now, tell me when she looks away. 292 00:12:18,272 --> 00:12:19,747 Not now. 293 00:12:19,937 --> 00:12:21,579 Not now. Wait. 294 00:12:21,611 --> 00:12:22,677 Now. 295 00:12:25,343 --> 00:12:26,863 What might've been. 296 00:12:29,384 --> 00:12:32,163 Hey, Schmidt! No! 297 00:12:34,703 --> 00:12:37,395 What do you think he's gonna look like when we get him back? 298 00:12:38,372 --> 00:12:41,053 Found him under the steps eating a dead raccoon's eyeball. 299 00:12:42,473 --> 00:12:43,548 Your cat's a psycho. 300 00:12:43,572 --> 00:12:46,971 Oh, did my baby have a tasty treat? 301 00:12:47,180 --> 00:12:49,352 Ferguson, I missed you so much, little buddy. 302 00:12:49,364 --> 00:12:50,665 They're very connected, those two. 303 00:12:50,683 --> 00:12:52,972 I can relate. Got a beast of my own. 304 00:12:53,413 --> 00:12:54,494 Hodgkiss, wake up. 305 00:12:56,036 --> 00:12:58,234 - We got company. - Aw. 306 00:12:58,274 --> 00:13:00,405 - Is that a squirrel? - Squirrel? It's a hamster. 307 00:13:00,436 --> 00:13:03,620 Nick, you know what a squirrel looks like. Okay, you've been outside, man. 308 00:13:03,648 --> 00:13:05,690 Trying to just figure out the smell, I guess. 309 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:06,998 This guy's the best. 310 00:13:07,023 --> 00:13:10,267 I'd rather stay home and watch Grey's with him than go out to some bar, 311 00:13:10,286 --> 00:13:13,225 try to impress some douche bag dressed like a lumberjack. 312 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,044 I am done chasing men. 313 00:13:15,069 --> 00:13:18,392 I hear that. I am so done chasing women. 314 00:13:19,849 --> 00:13:21,330 That's too bad. 315 00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:27,867 Yeah, it's too bad. 316 00:13:27,878 --> 00:13:29,073 Chuckles) 317 00:13:29,098 --> 00:13:31,254 - You guys hungry? - Oh, no, but thank you very much... 318 00:13:31,279 --> 00:13:32,560 I could eat. 319 00:13:32,654 --> 00:13:34,354 Winston, do you like bologna? 320 00:13:35,101 --> 00:13:37,997 It's the kind you have to peel the wrapper off just to get to the meat. 321 00:13:38,930 --> 00:13:40,686 And do you have pudding in a cup? 322 00:13:40,701 --> 00:13:42,224 I never have pudding in a cup. 323 00:13:42,243 --> 00:13:43,752 No. 324 00:13:44,187 --> 00:13:46,137 Is that a good thing or a bad thing that she doesn't? 325 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,627 That's a good thing. 326 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,694 You know, I don't know what's going on here. 327 00:13:51,025 --> 00:13:52,594 Find Staples Center! 328 00:13:52,607 --> 00:13:56,082 - Finding Starples Medical Supply. - No, you dumb pocket robot! 329 00:13:56,101 --> 00:13:58,740 - Dan plummer rubber stumpers. - Aah! Now you're just making up words! 330 00:13:58,746 --> 00:14:00,962 That's not even a place! Damn you! 331 00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:04,088 - Maiden worcestershire sauce. - Huh. Chocolate. 332 00:14:05,383 --> 00:14:06,571 Hi, there. 333 00:14:06,589 --> 00:14:09,495 I'm ruining a date, and I don't want to show up empty-handed. 334 00:14:09,507 --> 00:14:12,884 I will take three of the, ooh, the dulce de leches. 335 00:14:12,915 --> 00:14:13,834 Um... 336 00:14:15,107 --> 00:14:16,953 How about some caramels? 337 00:14:17,214 --> 00:14:19,207 Do you have anything that says "I'm sorry for cheating on you. 338 00:14:19,224 --> 00:14:20,860 Please don't sleep with my friend"? 339 00:14:22,154 --> 00:14:25,382 Of course you don't. Wonderful. Ooh, look at that... Samples. 340 00:14:29,270 --> 00:14:31,890 Wha...? Who are you texting right now? 341 00:14:31,922 --> 00:14:34,478 Uh, wh-what are you talking about? I'm not texting. I was just, uh... 342 00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,068 You're texting right now. 343 00:14:36,130 --> 00:14:37,846 - Nah, I'm just, uh... - Okay, you know what? 344 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,919 Whoever you are texting, if you want to be with them, 345 00:14:39,944 --> 00:14:41,969 you should just go off and be with them. 346 00:14:42,020 --> 00:14:43,696 You're so jealous. 347 00:14:44,038 --> 00:14:46,106 Okay, yeah, you know what... That's it! 348 00:14:46,128 --> 00:14:49,380 That is the last straw! I'm out of here. 349 00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:52,849 Cece... 350 00:15:02,159 --> 00:15:04,121 So, Bertie, have you always been a bus driver? 351 00:15:04,148 --> 00:15:07,117 I used to manage a shoe store. Then I, uh, quit, 352 00:15:07,126 --> 00:15:08,651 had a few dark years. 353 00:15:08,709 --> 00:15:11,472 - Sold christian t-shirts for a while. - Okay. 354 00:15:11,539 --> 00:15:13,739 Got my tubes tied. Not cheap. 355 00:15:13,751 --> 00:15:16,322 - This is a real honest conversation. - Shut up, Nick. 356 00:15:16,346 --> 00:15:18,792 Pulled myself out of that personal hell, and... 357 00:15:18,867 --> 00:15:19,980 voilà. 358 00:15:20,015 --> 00:15:22,347 - Wow. - You know, I like driving bus. 359 00:15:22,376 --> 00:15:24,577 Get to put whatever I want on the dash. 360 00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,443 Keeps the darkness away. You know? 361 00:15:27,637 --> 00:15:29,138 I also, uh... 362 00:15:29,897 --> 00:15:32,068 - I paint. - You paint? 363 00:15:36,705 --> 00:15:38,105 It's a boat. 364 00:15:38,126 --> 00:15:39,794 Oh, I can see it's a boat. 365 00:15:41,878 --> 00:15:43,850 All right, well, uh... 366 00:15:44,106 --> 00:15:47,100 I better take my stomach medicine. I got to get up at 3:30. 367 00:15:47,127 --> 00:15:48,920 - Is that A.M.? - I drive a bus. 368 00:15:48,932 --> 00:15:51,142 Will you eat your damn sandwich, Nick. 369 00:15:52,337 --> 00:15:53,532 I don't like it. 370 00:15:53,559 --> 00:15:55,259 What about you, Winston? Do you like it? 371 00:15:55,278 --> 00:15:57,109 I'm not gonna lie to you, Bertie. 372 00:15:57,134 --> 00:15:59,036 Sometimes it was a little hard to chew. 373 00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:00,209 Well... 374 00:16:00,234 --> 00:16:02,418 You can suck on it to make it soft. 375 00:16:08,289 --> 00:16:10,814 Wow. Is something happening between you two? 376 00:16:10,847 --> 00:16:13,751 - Dude, she is so real. - Okay, good. 377 00:16:13,772 --> 00:16:15,835 Would you do me a favor? Now, you owe me. 378 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,345 Winston, I would love to. Anything. 379 00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:20,018 - I mean it. Anything. - Okay. 380 00:16:20,050 --> 00:16:21,383 I owe you. 381 00:16:22,105 --> 00:16:23,236 I need you... 382 00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:25,634 ...to take Ferguson home tonight for me 383 00:16:25,656 --> 00:16:28,967 while I just stay here and, you know, see where this goes. 384 00:16:29,172 --> 00:16:31,467 Yes. This is a big moment. 385 00:16:31,487 --> 00:16:32,622 - Yeah. - I'm proud of you. 386 00:16:32,634 --> 00:16:35,877 Listen, Ferguson, I'm about to do what adults do. 387 00:16:35,913 --> 00:16:37,308 - Hey, wish me luck. - I think that's enough. 388 00:16:37,338 --> 00:16:39,144 - Wish me luck. - Oh, this is a fat cat. 389 00:16:39,162 --> 00:16:40,706 It's a tough decision. Do I...? I'll just leave... 390 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,055 - Stay here, stay here. - Okay. Yeah! 391 00:16:42,285 --> 00:16:44,798 Cece, wait! Please wait! 392 00:16:44,827 --> 00:16:46,326 I was texting my mom! 393 00:16:46,344 --> 00:16:48,413 - Dork. - Shut up! 394 00:16:49,998 --> 00:16:52,201 Oh, come on! 395 00:16:52,216 --> 00:16:54,636 Do you really expect me to believe that? 396 00:16:54,654 --> 00:16:56,870 No. I-I promise... I... My mom... 397 00:16:56,898 --> 00:17:01,440 She was texting me because I was super nervous about this date. 398 00:17:01,471 --> 00:17:03,190 - Your mom? - Look. 399 00:17:03,715 --> 00:17:05,184 "Go get 'em, BooBoo"? 400 00:17:05,201 --> 00:17:07,326 That's me. I'm BooBoo. 401 00:17:07,365 --> 00:17:11,588 Why do you need inspirational quotes from your mom just to talk to me? 402 00:17:11,606 --> 00:17:13,138 I'm sorry. I... 403 00:17:14,394 --> 00:17:17,813 I'm just... I'm coming out of this relationship, and, like... 404 00:17:18,719 --> 00:17:20,778 I just... I don't know. I feel I don't know how to... 405 00:17:20,802 --> 00:17:22,928 I don't know how to do this anymore. 406 00:17:24,666 --> 00:17:26,297 I know how you feel. 407 00:17:26,964 --> 00:17:28,381 You do? 408 00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:30,235 Yeah. 409 00:17:30,269 --> 00:17:32,097 Wow. Uh... 410 00:17:33,698 --> 00:17:35,955 I just want to put on some Drake and get up on you, girl. 411 00:17:35,974 --> 00:17:38,226 - You see, you're doing it again. - Damn it! I know. 412 00:17:38,646 --> 00:17:40,186 Sorry. 413 00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:42,807 Hey! Schmidt! 414 00:17:43,031 --> 00:17:45,562 Schmidt, what are you doing?! Why do you have all that chocolate? 415 00:17:45,591 --> 00:17:47,210 I'm going to go win her back! 416 00:17:47,376 --> 00:17:49,070 Do you know where I can get a pretty candle?! 417 00:17:49,089 --> 00:17:51,181 No. Come on, Schmidt, get in the car. 418 00:17:54,081 --> 00:17:55,700 Get in the car. 419 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,248 I love her, Jess. 420 00:17:58,254 --> 00:18:00,106 I have to tell her. 421 00:18:00,255 --> 00:18:02,174 Well, you can't. 422 00:18:02,370 --> 00:18:04,870 - You have to let her go. - I know. 423 00:18:05,841 --> 00:18:07,245 Look, you're right. I know. 424 00:18:07,311 --> 00:18:09,609 Okay, good. Come on, get back in the car. 425 00:18:09,628 --> 00:18:11,292 I also know that in about 30 seconds, 426 00:18:11,317 --> 00:18:13,942 I'm gonna run away from you again, and this time, I will lose you. 427 00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:16,470 I'll go down alleys, I'll cut across parks. 428 00:18:16,498 --> 00:18:21,460 I will live in the shadows, just slithering, lurking, trolling the darkness. 429 00:18:23,238 --> 00:18:25,554 Jess, there's only one way for you to stop me. 430 00:18:25,580 --> 00:18:27,372 Well, I'll do it, whatever it is. 431 00:18:28,045 --> 00:18:29,741 Hit me with your car. 432 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,080 What?! No! No! 433 00:18:32,092 --> 00:18:35,832 - It's the only way for you to stop me! - No! That's crazy, Schmidt! 434 00:18:35,858 --> 00:18:38,114 Come on, Jess. Now, do it! I deserve it. 435 00:18:38,134 --> 00:18:40,965 I cheated on your best friend, I tried to break up you and Nick. 436 00:18:41,003 --> 00:18:42,722 - No! No! - Hit the gas. 437 00:18:42,745 --> 00:18:45,414 Jess, you do this, or I'm gonna run. 438 00:18:45,445 --> 00:18:47,782 - I don't want to! - I'm gonna give you to the count of three. 439 00:18:47,799 --> 00:18:51,293 - No, I don't want to! Schmidt! - Three. Two. Do it for Cece. 440 00:18:54,743 --> 00:18:56,282 Oh, my God! 441 00:18:57,632 --> 00:19:00,826 - What the hell was that?! - You told me to hit you with the car! 442 00:19:00,838 --> 00:19:03,493 - You friggin' hit me with your vehicle! - You asked me to. 443 00:19:03,512 --> 00:19:06,929 - I didn't think you were gonna do it. - I barely tapped you. 444 00:19:06,950 --> 00:19:08,356 This is my favorite utility khaki! 445 00:19:08,387 --> 00:19:10,271 Well, then don't tell me to hit you with my car 446 00:19:10,297 --> 00:19:12,161 if you don't want me to hit you with my car! 447 00:19:12,180 --> 00:19:13,840 - You're out of control! - What? 448 00:19:14,355 --> 00:19:16,605 - Ma'am, please pull over. - Jess! 449 00:19:18,944 --> 00:19:20,938 Oh, my God! Schmidt! 450 00:19:21,061 --> 00:19:22,828 Son of a bitch! 451 00:19:25,637 --> 00:19:28,128 - I know how this looks. - Like you hit a man with your car? 452 00:19:28,162 --> 00:19:29,627 Twice. 453 00:19:29,717 --> 00:19:31,455 I only meant to hit you once. 454 00:19:31,486 --> 00:19:34,181 - Well, you hit me twice. - Also, he asked me to hit him. 455 00:19:34,417 --> 00:19:35,773 I'm in a really weird place. 456 00:19:35,791 --> 00:19:38,668 - I just need to write a report. - She's not a criminal. She... 457 00:19:39,237 --> 00:19:42,985 - She was being a friend. - I hit him because I care about him. 458 00:19:44,724 --> 00:19:46,645 You guys are into some weird stuff. 459 00:19:52,994 --> 00:19:55,517 Well, congratulations. 460 00:19:55,547 --> 00:19:57,132 You made it. 461 00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:01,835 - I did, didn't I? - Yeah. 462 00:20:02,937 --> 00:20:06,368 And, hey, you know, don't worry about the hospital bill. I'll pay it. 463 00:20:07,056 --> 00:20:09,120 Wait a minute. Did you think that I was gonna pay...? 464 00:20:09,144 --> 00:20:10,188 Well, you hit me with your car, 465 00:20:10,213 --> 00:20:13,608 - and I thought... - You told me to hit you with the car. 466 00:20:21,905 --> 00:20:24,367 Schmidt, don't pretend you're fine. 467 00:20:24,398 --> 00:20:27,006 - I know you're not. - I'm not fine. 468 00:20:30,515 --> 00:20:31,834 But I will be. 469 00:20:31,874 --> 00:20:33,187 Uh... 470 00:20:33,965 --> 00:20:36,263 - Let's just wait it out. - Okay. 471 00:20:40,959 --> 00:20:42,553 God, it's been a half an hour. 472 00:20:42,579 --> 00:20:44,780 Come up for air, you weirdoes. 473 00:20:45,372 --> 00:20:47,084 Mm, mm, mm. 474 00:20:47,837 --> 00:20:49,523 I'm getting kind of revved up. 475 00:20:49,553 --> 00:20:51,211 Nick has some work to do. 476 00:20:51,235 --> 00:20:52,717 Oh, God. 477 00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:54,366 Give me a chocolate. 478 00:20:58,353 --> 00:20:59,800 Mm. 479 00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:05,571 - Hey, there. - Hey. 480 00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:08,998 Can I get some of that? 481 00:21:22,829 --> 00:21:25,568 - Mm-hmm. - You spending the night, or what? 482 00:21:26,383 --> 00:21:27,915 Oh, hell, yeah. 483 00:21:35,756 --> 00:21:41,756 Sync and corrected by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther