1
00:00:00,670 --> 00:00:04,852
Well, nothing brightens up a rainy
day like a Scotch tasting, guys.
2
00:00:04,876 --> 00:00:05,982
It's not raining today.
3
00:00:06,017 --> 00:00:07,841
- It hasn't rained in months.
- Shh, don't ruin the moment.
4
00:00:07,864 --> 00:00:10,264
There's actually a huge forest fire.
Dude, you should turn on the news.
5
00:00:10,290 --> 00:00:14,022
This is a 15-year-old
French oak reserve.
6
00:00:14,035 --> 00:00:17,846
Mm! A note of cedar,
vanilla, tobacky.
7
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:19,368
Boozy.
8
00:00:19,388 --> 00:00:21,744
Hunting, fishing, shooting,
9
00:00:21,927 --> 00:00:25,326
fatherhood, bonding, sadness.
10
00:00:26,138 --> 00:00:27,839
- Please don't leave me.
- Cheers, guys.
11
00:00:27,865 --> 00:00:30,038
- Put 'er there Schmidty.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
12
00:00:30,062 --> 00:00:32,563
- To a nice quiet evening.
- Tranquil.
13
00:00:32,577 --> 00:00:35,564
This moment is so chill
and absent of drama,
14
00:00:35,570 --> 00:00:37,116
I want to call it "Tim Duncan."
15
00:00:37,134 --> 00:00:39,260
I have 21 minutes to make
a life-changing decision
16
00:00:39,286 --> 00:00:41,426
and you beautiful sons-a-bitches
are gonna help me!
17
00:00:41,446 --> 00:00:43,460
- Whoa.
- Yeah!
18
00:00:43,554 --> 00:00:48,068
- That is $45 worth of Scotch right there.
- It tastes disgusting. I don't like it.
19
00:00:49,414 --> 00:00:51,854
♪ Who's that girl?
Who's that girl? ♪
20
00:00:51,876 --> 00:00:53,443
♪ It's Jess. ♪
21
00:00:53,472 --> 00:00:57,072
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
22
00:00:58,035 --> 00:01:00,636
So, obviously, Nick has told you
about how I've been volunteering
23
00:01:00,662 --> 00:01:02,869
at the Children's Museum,
and really hitting it off
24
00:01:02,887 --> 00:01:04,465
with the head curator,
Candace, right?
25
00:01:04,484 --> 00:01:05,582
In my way, I have.
26
00:01:05,610 --> 00:01:07,381
- I've never heard that.
- Hasn't said a word. Thank God.
27
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,585
Come on.
28
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:12,249
Guys, give me one second. I gotta
go play a round of "Car Keys Monte"
29
00:01:12,262 --> 00:01:14,747
with Kevin-97 or he'll
try to drive home.
30
00:01:15,686 --> 00:01:18,276
So, anyway, about a month ago,
Candace calls me and tells me
31
00:01:18,296 --> 00:01:21,236
there might be a full-time
fund-raising position opening up
32
00:01:21,262 --> 00:01:22,462
and I'd be perfect for it.
33
00:01:22,487 --> 00:01:24,627
There we go, look for the keys, look
for the keys, look for the keys.
34
00:01:24,642 --> 00:01:27,148
And she keeps pushing me for an
answer, and I keep putting her off.
35
00:01:27,168 --> 00:01:28,873
I say, "Thank you very much.
I'm very flattered,
36
00:01:28,887 --> 00:01:31,137
but I already have a job.
Me teacher."
37
00:01:31,734 --> 00:01:33,655
That's a grammar joke.
You get it.
38
00:01:33,675 --> 00:01:35,291
Look at the jukebox for a sec.
39
00:01:35,820 --> 00:01:37,996
When I think of teachers, I think
of two things: Jessica Day
40
00:01:38,016 --> 00:01:40,730
and pornography where
the characters are teachers.
41
00:01:40,743 --> 00:01:43,802
Well, of course I've always wanted to be
a teacher, but my school's a disaster.
42
00:01:44,115 --> 00:01:46,324
- Justice Brandeis believed that...
- Ms. Day?
43
00:01:46,345 --> 00:01:49,106
Education's Principal
Foster, everybody!
44
00:01:49,808 --> 00:01:51,265
Thank you so much.
45
00:01:52,115 --> 00:01:55,847
Ms. Day, we have hit
a construction hiccup
46
00:01:55,860 --> 00:01:57,809
- in our renovation, so...
- Okay.
47
00:01:57,815 --> 00:02:00,778
everybody's gonna have to
be sharing classroom space.
48
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:01,837
What?
49
00:02:02,374 --> 00:02:04,153
- Oh.
- Hey, do you have a freezer
50
00:02:04,172 --> 00:02:06,095
or should I flush these frogs?
51
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:07,932
My check comes either way.
52
00:02:08,539 --> 00:02:12,022
Oh, come on. Foster's sticking
us with the math kids
53
00:02:12,041 --> 00:02:14,506
that use letters
instead of numbers?
54
00:02:14,704 --> 00:02:16,037
Do you mean algebra?
55
00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:17,944
I guess.
56
00:02:18,187 --> 00:02:20,617
Anyway, it's gonna be a
couple of crazy months, huh?
57
00:02:20,630 --> 00:02:22,714
- I'm sorry? Months?
- Right.
58
00:02:22,958 --> 00:02:24,839
Years if the bond issue fails.
59
00:02:24,858 --> 00:02:27,926
Which it might, since voters
are trending anti-future.
60
00:02:27,946 --> 00:02:30,618
Anti-future?
Who's anti-future?
61
00:02:30,624 --> 00:02:34,096
I don't know. The Amish?
The dying?
62
00:02:34,109 --> 00:02:36,679
Television industry,
print media,
63
00:02:36,695 --> 00:02:39,461
record industry,
railroad industry,
64
00:02:39,497 --> 00:02:42,910
karaoke machine owners.
You got this?
65
00:02:42,940 --> 00:02:45,203
I'm gonna go not smoke pot.
66
00:02:46,223 --> 00:02:48,936
- So my phone rings...
- Oh, we telling phone stories? Nice.
67
00:02:48,973 --> 00:02:50,914
- No, I'm talking about work.
- So your phone rings.
68
00:02:50,936 --> 00:02:53,699
And it's Candace officially
offering me the job!
69
00:02:53,712 --> 00:02:54,991
And I told her I'd
think about it!
70
00:02:55,004 --> 00:02:57,723
Wow, you not being
a school teacher?
71
00:02:57,748 --> 00:02:59,415
Well, you have found
my flabbergast button,
72
00:02:59,435 --> 00:03:01,699
and guess what,
you've pressed it.
73
00:03:01,732 --> 00:03:03,269
I'm flabbergasted as hell, too.
74
00:03:03,289 --> 00:03:05,236
Look, I've been a
teacher my entire life,
75
00:03:05,256 --> 00:03:07,739
and I've always wanted
to be a teacher, but
76
00:03:07,772 --> 00:03:10,185
maybe I should be doing
something else. I don't know.
77
00:03:10,205 --> 00:03:12,184
How do you know when
you're on the right path?
78
00:03:12,697 --> 00:03:14,112
It's crazy.
79
00:03:15,026 --> 00:03:17,039
- That wasn't a rhetorical question.
- Oh! - Oh!
80
00:03:17,055 --> 00:03:20,140
What I like to do is just
take a drive up PCH maybe.
81
00:03:20,716 --> 00:03:21,995
Willy Wonka once said...
82
00:03:22,014 --> 00:03:25,367
Guys, Candace is calling at 6:00
to find out my final answer!
83
00:03:25,410 --> 00:03:27,759
- Whoa! - What?
- I'm sorry you're in such a pickle.
84
00:03:27,780 --> 00:03:30,553
But I'm not sorry that I
get to time something!
85
00:03:30,822 --> 00:03:32,681
19 minutes, people!
86
00:03:32,694 --> 00:03:36,159
- All right. - Just to be clear,
19 minutes until 6:00.
87
00:03:36,172 --> 00:03:37,143
I'm not sure this is helping.
88
00:03:37,162 --> 00:03:39,284
This brings a whole new level
of tension to the whole situation.
89
00:03:39,297 --> 00:03:41,430
Yeah, because you're being timed now.
You time a lot of stuff, Coach.
90
00:03:41,443 --> 00:03:43,502
- This is a life-changing decision,
that's it. - 46 seconds.
91
00:03:45,602 --> 00:03:48,903
17 minutes till 6:00.
17 minutes, Jess.
92
00:03:48,923 --> 00:03:51,493
Coach, do you always wear
a stopwatch? Like always?
93
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,833
You familiar with Rollergirl's relationship
to her skates in Boogie Nights?
94
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:55,559
Yes.
95
00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:59,189
Well, I'm not, because I don't
watch movies, I time them.
96
00:03:59,555 --> 00:04:02,039
They're pornographers,
but they're also a family.
97
00:04:02,053 --> 00:04:05,498
155:30 official running
time, my round ass!
98
00:04:05,982 --> 00:04:07,455
Jess,
99
00:04:07,606 --> 00:04:09,713
choosing a career
path is never easy,
100
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:10,948
but what I found...
101
00:04:10,975 --> 00:04:12,708
- Oh, my God.
- Shut up, dude!
102
00:04:12,778 --> 00:04:16,165
She's looking for career advice. Your
job could be done by a vending machine.
103
00:04:16,187 --> 00:04:17,794
Guys, don't be mean.
104
00:04:17,816 --> 00:04:20,436
So Nick doesn't have a
traditional career. I mean...
105
00:04:20,448 --> 00:04:23,036
Or is it the most traditional?
106
00:04:23,287 --> 00:04:24,648
Maybe I'm thinking
about prostitution.
107
00:04:24,676 --> 00:04:28,167
Guys, as you all know, I am the
expert at changing career paths.
108
00:04:28,192 --> 00:04:29,525
Is this something we're
now bragging about?
109
00:04:29,553 --> 00:04:33,003
No, Schmidt, I'm referring to my decision
to quit playing the game of basketball.
110
00:04:33,030 --> 00:04:35,563
Jess, I will tell you
this, it was not easy.
111
00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:37,786
It all began back...
112
00:04:37,799 --> 00:04:40,162
- Come on, Winston move it along.
- Okay, Jess, fine,
113
00:04:40,637 --> 00:04:43,828
but don't blame me if you get
lost in the nooks and crannies
114
00:04:43,854 --> 00:04:48,431
of this crazy English muffin
we call Winston's life.
115
00:04:48,833 --> 00:04:52,314
I was the ninth guy off the bench
for the eighth-best team in Latvia.
116
00:04:52,836 --> 00:04:55,143
Winnie the Bish!
Winnie the Bish!
117
00:04:55,166 --> 00:04:57,195
- Winnie the Bish!
- Ha-ha!
118
00:04:57,220 --> 00:04:58,487
Thanks for coming to
watch me play, guys.
119
00:04:58,513 --> 00:05:00,618
We didn't watch you play.
We watched you sit.
120
00:05:00,644 --> 00:05:01,790
Which was still fun.
121
00:05:01,813 --> 00:05:04,155
You know, any chance to get
to Latvia, right, guys?
122
00:05:04,175 --> 00:05:05,426
Yeah, I haven't played all year.
123
00:05:05,436 --> 00:05:07,876
They barely let me practice, but
you know, like I always say,
124
00:05:07,906 --> 00:05:09,662
How about them Lats?
125
00:05:09,687 --> 00:05:11,580
So that's when you decided
to change course.
126
00:05:11,753 --> 00:05:13,873
That makes sense. So my
takeaway from that is...
127
00:05:13,892 --> 00:05:15,419
Still building to the decision.
128
00:05:15,506 --> 00:05:17,508
You are traded to Kraslava City.
129
00:05:17,535 --> 00:05:18,869
The Outdoor League?
130
00:05:18,896 --> 00:05:20,397
Man, they play on a hillside!
131
00:05:20,418 --> 00:05:24,095
I give you surprise tip:
Uphill basket, better.
132
00:05:24,108 --> 00:05:26,221
- Aha, and then you decided...
- Ah!
133
00:05:27,096 --> 00:05:29,956
I'm going fast!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
134
00:05:31,116 --> 00:05:33,614
You never play
basketball again.
135
00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:35,977
Don't touch it. Stop it.
136
00:05:35,996 --> 00:05:40,034
And that's when I decided to stop
playing the game of basketball.
137
00:05:40,057 --> 00:05:42,960
Jess, walk away the
moment you stop loving it.
138
00:05:42,992 --> 00:05:44,032
I mean, that's what I did.
139
00:05:44,049 --> 00:05:46,062
- That's the thing, you didn't walk away.
- You decided nothing.
140
00:05:46,087 --> 00:05:48,154
That story contains
zero decisions.
141
00:05:48,166 --> 00:05:52,194
Look, I decided to stop playing
the game of basketball
142
00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:55,191
when my doctor told
me I had to stop.
143
00:05:55,559 --> 00:05:58,949
Okay, okay, all right, I...
it was my decision...
144
00:05:58,969 --> 00:06:02,016
- Mm-hmm. - ...to start to
play the game of basket...
145
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:05,732
You were handed a basketball
six seconds after you were born.
146
00:06:05,752 --> 00:06:07,901
Damn, do I even like basketball?
147
00:06:08,131 --> 00:06:11,071
I mean, goodness, have I ever
made any decisions my whole life?
148
00:06:11,088 --> 00:06:13,521
Are we all just living
inside the mind of a giant?
149
00:06:13,552 --> 00:06:16,441
All right, good job, buddy.
Really good. Thanks.
150
00:06:16,468 --> 00:06:17,888
You know, if I may be so bold...
151
00:06:17,913 --> 00:06:19,840
Oh, Nick, please.
Winston, have a seat.
152
00:06:19,860 --> 00:06:21,667
I was literally about
to give advice.
153
00:06:21,687 --> 00:06:23,325
She already heard
one cautionary tale tonight,
154
00:06:23,338 --> 00:06:24,725
she does not need
to hear another.
155
00:06:24,738 --> 00:06:27,467
- What she needs to hear is my story.
- All right.
156
00:06:27,493 --> 00:06:30,267
A story of hard choices.
A story of paths taken.
157
00:06:30,294 --> 00:06:34,941
A story that I like to call,
"Kablamo McYeah, Bro!"
158
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,267
Ah, you stupid bast...
159
00:06:36,294 --> 00:06:38,494
The title has nothing to do with
the story, but you need a hook.
160
00:06:39,843 --> 00:06:41,756
- It all began back...
- Come on, Schmidt!
161
00:06:41,779 --> 00:06:45,033
What? Only one story in the whole
wide world can begin in a hospital?
162
00:06:45,056 --> 00:06:46,509
I volunteered a lot in college.
163
00:06:47,316 --> 00:06:50,816
But I shone brightest
as a candy striper.
164
00:06:51,341 --> 00:06:52,895
Sick people wanted me.
165
00:06:52,928 --> 00:06:54,418
Dying people wanted to be me.
166
00:06:54,431 --> 00:06:56,598
I was the total
candy-striping package.
167
00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:59,764
And yet I remained invisible to the
one whose gaze I desired the most.
168
00:06:59,779 --> 00:07:03,701
Invisible? You were like a
300-pound wall of peppermint bark.
169
00:07:03,726 --> 00:07:05,626
Her badge said "RN"
for registered nurse,
170
00:07:05,649 --> 00:07:08,020
but as far as I was
concerned, it said "NILTH,"
171
00:07:08,042 --> 00:07:09,237
"Nurse I'd Like To Hug."
172
00:07:09,251 --> 00:07:12,597
Not even the baggiest of scrubs
could hide her splendid form.
173
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:19,013
Where's a guy have to volunteer
to get a girl like that, huh?
174
00:07:19,361 --> 00:07:21,661
I don't volunteer.
I'm a man.
175
00:07:21,681 --> 00:07:24,382
I have a job in marketing.
176
00:07:25,238 --> 00:07:27,857
Obviously I was far too
fat to work in marketing.
177
00:07:27,876 --> 00:07:30,096
So I got a job any
dumb slob could do.
178
00:07:30,115 --> 00:07:32,949
Relax, man, it's your first day.
179
00:07:33,373 --> 00:07:35,582
For a Jewish giant, I
had a surprising knack
180
00:07:35,601 --> 00:07:36,882
for selling Christmas trees.
181
00:07:36,898 --> 00:07:40,013
Not only did my wide center of
gravity make me freakishly strong,
182
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:42,073
but I could also
sell like the wind.
183
00:07:42,099 --> 00:07:44,495
Because I understood
one fundamental truth.
184
00:07:44,595 --> 00:07:46,766
When you're buying
Christmas trees...
185
00:07:47,278 --> 00:07:48,859
you're really buying sex.
186
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:51,512
Have you always been short?
I've always been fat.
187
00:07:51,530 --> 00:07:53,869
But who cares how God made you?
188
00:07:53,902 --> 00:07:56,194
Don't let him put
you in a skin box.
189
00:07:56,213 --> 00:07:58,023
At the end of the day,
I'm just a fat guy
190
00:07:58,044 --> 00:08:00,926
standing here in front of a
short guy telling him that...
191
00:08:01,851 --> 00:08:03,344
I think we found his tree.
192
00:08:03,371 --> 00:08:06,060
It wasn't long before I caught
the attention of Old Man McCue,
193
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,687
Christmas tree king of Syracuse,
194
00:08:08,887 --> 00:08:10,583
inventor of triple netting.
195
00:08:11,668 --> 00:08:13,028
However...
196
00:08:13,751 --> 00:08:16,180
In the words of the late,
great Sir Billy Joel...
197
00:08:16,202 --> 00:08:18,249
Billy Joel is definitely alive.
198
00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:19,904
And he's definitely
not a knight.
199
00:08:19,923 --> 00:08:21,423
"The good, they do die young."
200
00:08:21,455 --> 00:08:24,368
♪ As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death ♪
201
00:08:24,381 --> 00:08:27,694
♪ I take a look at my life and
realize there's nothin' left ♪
202
00:08:27,712 --> 00:08:30,365
♪ 'Cause I've been blastin'
and laughin' so long ♪
203
00:08:30,389 --> 00:08:33,736
♪ That even my mama thinks
That my mind is gone, but... ♪
204
00:08:34,618 --> 00:08:36,827
When you're on your deathbed,
205
00:08:36,846 --> 00:08:39,459
when your life has been lived,
206
00:08:39,490 --> 00:08:41,052
you're never gonna say,
207
00:08:41,071 --> 00:08:44,532
"I wish I'd spent more
time with my family."
208
00:08:45,472 --> 00:08:49,680
Because money and
everything it buys,
209
00:08:50,393 --> 00:08:53,540
you can take it...
210
00:08:54,175 --> 00:08:55,389
with you...
211
00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:11,236
Interesting, money.
212
00:09:11,253 --> 00:09:14,103
Actually the museum job pays
more than the teaching job.
213
00:09:14,129 --> 00:09:15,796
Wait, the m...
214
00:09:15,842 --> 00:09:17,808
Then what the hell are we
talking about here, you guys?
215
00:09:17,827 --> 00:09:20,474
Done deal, case closed.
Follow them ducats.
216
00:09:20,497 --> 00:09:22,017
It's not always
about the money, Schmidt.
217
00:09:22,037 --> 00:09:23,772
Guys, look, it's almost 6:00.
218
00:09:23,788 --> 00:09:25,642
And Candace is
insanely punctual.
219
00:09:25,656 --> 00:09:29,571
You know, one of the best
career choices of the future...
220
00:09:29,746 --> 00:09:31,158
Driveways.
221
00:09:33,224 --> 00:09:34,817
You're welcome.
222
00:09:41,121 --> 00:09:43,608
- Jess, the museum job pays more.
- All right...
223
00:09:43,621 --> 00:09:45,561
- The decision has been made for you.
- No, no, no.
224
00:09:45,573 --> 00:09:47,859
You don't know the difference
between more and less.
225
00:09:47,895 --> 00:09:49,035
- Don't you?
- Yes, Schmidt.
226
00:09:49,050 --> 00:09:50,870
All of my decision's
have been made for me.
227
00:09:50,883 --> 00:09:53,627
I'm only in sports radio because
I played professional basketball.
228
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:57,699
I played professional basketball because
somebody put a ball in my crib as a baby.
229
00:09:57,917 --> 00:10:00,290
What if somebody gave
Baby Winston a flower?
230
00:10:00,478 --> 00:10:02,921
- Then what would I be?
- Beekeeper! - Hummingbird farmer.
231
00:10:02,940 --> 00:10:05,546
Oh, does water shoot out of the flower?
If so, you'd be a hilarious comedian.
232
00:10:05,591 --> 00:10:08,870
Wait, guys, this is classic
after 6:00 topics.
233
00:10:08,888 --> 00:10:10,951
Look, I... There has to be
more to this than money.
234
00:10:10,964 --> 00:10:12,852
I really want to care
about what I do.
235
00:10:12,878 --> 00:10:15,438
Don't you ever miss getting
your hands dirty and selling?
236
00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:16,933
I've moved up in the world.
237
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:20,174
I'm not freezing and covered in sap.
I'm making spreadsheets.
238
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:22,059
It's like Old Man
McCue used to say.
239
00:10:22,082 --> 00:10:24,449
The reward is in
the destination.
240
00:10:24,471 --> 00:10:27,456
- It's not in the journey.
- Was he wise or was he senile?
241
00:10:27,471 --> 00:10:29,971
Because he's mixed up a lot
of really well-known sayings.
242
00:10:30,003 --> 00:10:32,521
Jess, you're gonna
want to listen to me.
243
00:10:32,551 --> 00:10:34,744
Anyone else here named
after their career?
244
00:10:36,509 --> 00:10:38,709
People call you Markety?
245
00:10:39,030 --> 00:10:39,847
Not yet.
246
00:10:39,860 --> 00:10:41,700
That's too bad 'cause
that's awesome.
247
00:10:41,715 --> 00:10:44,337
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
248
00:10:44,343 --> 00:10:45,777
Hands up, Ulvis!
249
00:10:45,797 --> 00:10:47,504
Ball screen, Vlad, come on!
250
00:10:47,519 --> 00:10:49,187
There we go, yes!
251
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,210
Bishop, finger out
of your nose, now!
252
00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:53,638
Ernie's a really good coach.
253
00:10:53,657 --> 00:10:55,970
- Maybe we should call him Coach.
- We should probably call him...
254
00:10:56,829 --> 00:10:57,729
You do it first.
255
00:10:57,757 --> 00:10:59,337
- Uh... Coach.
- Yeah.
256
00:10:59,357 --> 00:11:01,484
That's a great name!
High five!
257
00:11:01,510 --> 00:11:02,271
Yeah!
258
00:11:02,293 --> 00:11:04,028
I think you see what I mean.
259
00:11:04,043 --> 00:11:05,610
No, I do... I really don't.
260
00:11:05,671 --> 00:11:08,173
My point is don't
overthink it, Jess.
261
00:11:08,193 --> 00:11:10,400
The call's coming from
inside the house.
262
00:11:10,435 --> 00:11:12,408
- What?
- Be who you are.
263
00:11:12,710 --> 00:11:15,224
- And do what you do.
- What if I don't know who I am?
264
00:11:15,230 --> 00:11:17,412
And you know, I'm capable of
doing a lot of different things.
265
00:11:17,437 --> 00:11:19,857
- Then you are on your own.
- Good stuff, Coach.
266
00:11:19,876 --> 00:11:23,123
Jess, would it help to think about
your first day as a teacher?
267
00:11:23,136 --> 00:11:25,052
Like, I think about the first
time I ever poured a drink...
268
00:11:25,070 --> 00:11:26,466
- Boo, get off the stage!
- Aw, man.
269
00:11:26,479 --> 00:11:28,139
- Nick! - Dude, stop.
- No, that's interesting.
270
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:30,394
The first day I ever taught.
271
00:11:31,141 --> 00:11:32,696
Portland Country Day.
272
00:11:32,719 --> 00:11:35,426
Five-team Pacific Northwest
squash champions.
273
00:11:35,448 --> 00:11:37,600
Go, Rhododendrons!
274
00:11:38,509 --> 00:11:41,836
Now, if I was chalk,
where would I be?
275
00:11:41,874 --> 00:11:44,220
If I were chalk,
where would I be?
276
00:11:44,233 --> 00:11:47,594
Slip up like that in front of the
kids, Day, and they'll eat you alive.
277
00:11:50,750 --> 00:11:54,018
Eddie Pascucci kicked
my ass because I'm new.
278
00:11:54,039 --> 00:11:55,457
Well, guess what?
279
00:11:55,982 --> 00:11:57,488
I'm new, too.
280
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,828
I got lost trying to find
the upper dining garden.
281
00:11:59,841 --> 00:12:03,428
Oh, that's over by the hedge
maze and the stables.
282
00:12:03,441 --> 00:12:05,550
I haven't even met my horse yet.
283
00:12:06,485 --> 00:12:08,225
Come on, let's get
you cleaned up.
284
00:12:08,246 --> 00:12:10,586
All of these jackets have
cash in the pockets.
285
00:12:10,609 --> 00:12:13,445
It's like a $50,000
lost and found.
286
00:12:13,705 --> 00:12:15,045
Here, try this one.
287
00:12:15,173 --> 00:12:16,233
Yup.
288
00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:17,733
You look great, Clifton.
289
00:12:17,756 --> 00:12:19,183
This doesn't fit!
290
00:12:19,211 --> 00:12:21,931
Eddie Pascucci beats
up the unstylish!
291
00:12:21,944 --> 00:12:22,791
Yeah, that's right.
292
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:24,372
We had an ethnic, gay bully.
293
00:12:26,902 --> 00:12:29,316
He's gonna have to
come through me first.
294
00:12:29,322 --> 00:12:32,263
Clifton Collins really just
needed someone to believe in him.
295
00:12:32,396 --> 00:12:33,965
So I started
tutoring him in math,
296
00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:36,207
and he became the best
math student in school.
297
00:12:36,227 --> 00:12:39,764
So, let's look him up and see how happy
and successful and amazing he's doing.
298
00:12:39,799 --> 00:12:42,110
- Yeah!
- I think that'll really fire you up.
299
00:12:45,484 --> 00:12:46,692
All right, there's
no trace of him.
300
00:12:46,706 --> 00:12:48,739
- What?
- I'm really, I'm really good at this.
301
00:12:48,761 --> 00:12:50,173
I'm good at it, let me see.
302
00:12:50,194 --> 00:12:51,707
- You found him. He's right here.
- No, I didn't.
303
00:12:51,715 --> 00:12:53,163
- Here's Clifton, wow.
- It's not a...
304
00:12:53,170 --> 00:12:54,756
- Yeah, he's right there. That's Clifton.
- Oh, yeah.
305
00:12:54,779 --> 00:12:56,019
We're not the only
ones looking for him.
306
00:12:56,032 --> 00:12:57,566
- So's the FBI.
- What?
307
00:12:57,588 --> 00:12:59,511
- Yeah, he's a criminal.
- No.
308
00:12:59,872 --> 00:13:01,537
Oh, my God.
309
00:13:01,687 --> 00:13:04,398
Clifton "Baby Madoff" Collins?
310
00:13:04,670 --> 00:13:06,591
Wanted for 53...
311
00:13:06,626 --> 00:13:08,633
...counts of embezzlement.
312
00:13:08,667 --> 00:13:09,884
Sounds like the math took.
313
00:13:10,281 --> 00:13:12,078
Screw me.
314
00:13:12,384 --> 00:13:14,037
Like, I...
315
00:13:14,232 --> 00:13:16,810
Maybe I wasn't even
reaching the kids at all.
316
00:13:20,585 --> 00:13:22,699
Okay, you know what?
317
00:13:22,721 --> 00:13:24,431
- Miller up.
- Excuse me?
318
00:13:24,444 --> 00:13:26,770
That's just like "fill 'er up,
"but with "Miller."
319
00:13:26,798 --> 00:13:28,838
- Don't.
- 'Cause I'm about to fill you up.
320
00:13:28,858 --> 00:13:30,307
- No, that's gross.
- With my stories.
321
00:13:30,323 --> 00:13:31,690
- Oh, please don't.
- That's disgusting.
322
00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:33,077
What's disgusting about it?
323
00:13:33,651 --> 00:13:37,174
My first year of law school, I
made an important discovery.
324
00:13:37,187 --> 00:13:39,116
Look left. Look right.
325
00:13:39,137 --> 00:13:41,165
Next year, one of
you will be gone.
326
00:13:41,519 --> 00:13:43,418
What a cliché, huh?
327
00:13:43,829 --> 00:13:45,599
Oh, you wrote that down.
328
00:13:48,608 --> 00:13:51,208
You'll be gone. I'm
not going anywhere.
329
00:13:51,223 --> 00:13:53,056
I'm gonna be fine. I'm
gonna be right here.
330
00:13:53,077 --> 00:13:54,804
Take it easy, guy to my right.
331
00:13:55,106 --> 00:13:58,218
I discovered that I hated
being around these people.
332
00:13:58,511 --> 00:14:00,798
But second year, I made
another discovery.
333
00:14:00,825 --> 00:14:02,891
I hated being around myself.
334
00:14:02,921 --> 00:14:06,151
So my third year, I wanted to
find a place where I belonged.
335
00:14:06,185 --> 00:14:09,400
Where I could look to my left or look
to my right and like what I saw.
336
00:14:09,418 --> 00:14:11,672
Love you in that scarf. Why
don't you wear scarves anymore?
337
00:14:11,690 --> 00:14:12,997
That place?
338
00:14:13,022 --> 00:14:14,418
Perhaps you guessed it:
339
00:14:14,439 --> 00:14:15,909
This very bar.
340
00:14:15,948 --> 00:14:18,788
Get out of town. What a twist.
341
00:14:22,199 --> 00:14:23,679
How long has that
guy been there?
342
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:24,671
Kevin-97?
343
00:14:24,690 --> 00:14:27,209
Since 1997, Jess. Why else do
you think we would call him...
344
00:14:27,229 --> 00:14:29,250
I don't know.
Move it along, Miller.
345
00:14:29,288 --> 00:14:30,964
True, I wasn't
loving law school,
346
00:14:30,976 --> 00:14:35,216
but my grades were fine and I even
signed up for the California State Bar.
347
00:14:35,830 --> 00:14:37,497
And then, one day...
348
00:14:37,582 --> 00:14:39,695
Red over-served himself
349
00:14:40,119 --> 00:14:41,706
and everything changed.
350
00:14:41,719 --> 00:14:43,012
So you went behind the bar,
351
00:14:43,042 --> 00:14:44,695
quit law school, you
became a bartender...
352
00:14:44,709 --> 00:14:46,702
- There's more to it than that.
- Two minutes!
353
00:14:46,721 --> 00:14:48,968
Oh, my God. I honestly
don't know what to do.
354
00:14:48,988 --> 00:14:51,148
- I have so little time.
- Hey.
355
00:14:51,177 --> 00:14:51,990
Cece!
356
00:14:52,011 --> 00:14:53,978
Have you ever questioned
your entire career?
357
00:14:54,006 --> 00:14:56,279
Duh, I'm a 31 year old model.
358
00:14:56,305 --> 00:14:59,930
My last job was for a phone sex
ad, and I was the one calling.
359
00:14:59,952 --> 00:15:01,059
Tell me what to do.
360
00:15:01,084 --> 00:15:03,408
And don't tell me to ask the guys,
because I already tried that.
361
00:15:03,422 --> 00:15:05,969
And also, don't tell me to think
about my first student, Clifton.
362
00:15:05,982 --> 00:15:09,102
Okay, no, wait. Your first
student was not Clifton.
363
00:15:14,658 --> 00:15:16,757
Lady, she's still
got one minute.
364
00:15:19,371 --> 00:15:22,173
That was a butt dial from your mother.
She is up to no good.
365
00:15:26,410 --> 00:15:29,327
Cece, bring it fast, and bring it hard.
You have 53 seconds.
366
00:15:35,071 --> 00:15:37,059
- You okay?
- Yes.
367
00:15:37,919 --> 00:15:38,746
No.
368
00:15:38,769 --> 00:15:41,831
I think I need glasses unless
crying makes your eyes not work.
369
00:15:42,414 --> 00:15:46,124
I can't read this, but even when
I can, I don't understand it.
370
00:15:46,157 --> 00:15:49,776
Crying makes your eyes work better.
After I finished Sophie's Choice,
371
00:15:49,799 --> 00:15:51,739
I could see in the
dark for a week.
372
00:15:54,601 --> 00:15:56,638
Here's what I do
when I lose mine.
373
00:15:59,341 --> 00:16:02,943
Ooh, this is interesting. Get in
here, we'll learn it together.
374
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,222
But everyone'll laugh at us.
375
00:16:04,245 --> 00:16:06,826
They can drive it or milk it
as far as I'm concerned.
376
00:16:07,921 --> 00:16:10,640
I don't know what that means.
I heard my dad say it.
377
00:16:14,597 --> 00:16:16,075
My dad just died.
378
00:16:18,498 --> 00:16:22,067
Well, if you want to come over,
and listen to mine say
379
00:16:22,086 --> 00:16:25,098
"They can drive it or
milk it..." you can.
380
00:16:25,495 --> 00:16:28,166
He's also got one about
the turds in City Hall.
381
00:16:29,624 --> 00:16:31,002
Thanks.
382
00:16:39,817 --> 00:16:41,866
- I'm Cece.
- Jess.
383
00:16:43,822 --> 00:16:45,904
I was your first student.
384
00:16:53,502 --> 00:16:55,869
Hey, Candace.
Um...
385
00:16:55,899 --> 00:16:57,892
Yeah, actually...
386
00:16:58,737 --> 00:17:00,857
I'm not going to take the job.
387
00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:04,323
Yeah, I'll see you Sunday.
Okay, bye.
388
00:17:04,834 --> 00:17:06,167
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
389
00:17:06,187 --> 00:17:07,871
- Thanks guys.
- Yes!
390
00:17:08,085 --> 00:17:09,925
Thanks guys.
391
00:17:10,561 --> 00:17:11,750
You did it.
392
00:17:11,774 --> 00:17:13,161
Good stuff.
393
00:17:13,559 --> 00:17:15,721
Hey, she did it.
394
00:17:15,930 --> 00:17:17,697
You made the right call, Jess.
What's wrong?
395
00:17:17,717 --> 00:17:19,754
I think you're right. I
made the right decision.
396
00:17:22,971 --> 00:17:25,145
Look, I know it's hard,
397
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,014
but the hard is what...
398
00:17:27,034 --> 00:17:28,760
makes it good.
399
00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:32,087
- Uhm, A League of Their Own
- Is that from A League of Their Own.
400
00:17:32,109 --> 00:17:33,916
Yes, of course. All of my
quotes are from a sports movie.
401
00:17:33,923 --> 00:17:35,336
You guys don't know them,
and so they seem original.
402
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:37,267
A League of Their Own
is not a sports movie.
403
00:17:37,294 --> 00:17:39,029
It's a sports movie,
first and foremost.
404
00:17:39,042 --> 00:17:41,493
It's about sisterhood
and the war.
405
00:17:41,513 --> 00:17:43,692
- Yeah, absolutely. - It's about
a baseball team grinding it up.
406
00:17:43,706 --> 00:17:47,515
♪ This used to be
my playground... ♪
407
00:17:48,024 --> 00:17:49,277
Coming right up.
408
00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:51,507
His sister really worries about
his drinking, so what I do is
409
00:17:51,527 --> 00:17:55,640
I come in early, and I soak a
teabag until the water turns brown
410
00:17:55,655 --> 00:17:57,612
and looks like booze.
411
00:17:57,623 --> 00:17:59,021
I call it tea-water.
412
00:17:59,058 --> 00:18:00,365
So...
413
00:18:00,689 --> 00:18:01,937
tea.
414
00:18:02,020 --> 00:18:05,212
I will take a big old
glass of booze-water.
415
00:18:05,230 --> 00:18:07,503
Got an antacid
commercial tomorrow
416
00:18:07,533 --> 00:18:09,620
- and I'm playing day-old curry.
- Oof.
417
00:18:10,375 --> 00:18:14,241
Or you can bartend. You can
bartend till you're 90 years old.
418
00:18:14,292 --> 00:18:16,913
Why don't you fire
this down to Kevin-97?
419
00:18:21,859 --> 00:18:23,488
Oh, no.
420
00:18:24,609 --> 00:18:25,863
We're gonna work on that.
421
00:18:26,078 --> 00:18:27,244
Good morning, everybody.
422
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,620
Welcome to Alge-Bio-Civics.
423
00:18:29,648 --> 00:18:32,535
Turn in your equations,
and you will get a frog.
424
00:18:32,557 --> 00:18:34,799
Dissect carefully,
because inside the frog
425
00:18:34,818 --> 00:18:37,228
is the name of the
city council member
426
00:18:37,255 --> 00:18:40,086
who you will be e-mailing
to restart construction.
427
00:18:40,106 --> 00:18:40,968
- Ms. Day?
- Yes.
428
00:18:40,980 --> 00:18:43,154
I thought this was
gonna be a disaster.
429
00:18:43,175 --> 00:18:47,145
But thanks to you, I can go
upstairs to the big boys
430
00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:50,126
and tell them they
can always depend...
431
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:53,166
on Dr. Alan Foster.
432
00:18:54,755 --> 00:18:55,912
Yeah.
433
00:18:56,188 --> 00:18:58,887
Please take his job,
I'm begging you.
434
00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:02,272
I'd do it myself, but I'd
never pass the psych test.
435
00:19:02,435 --> 00:19:03,562
So I figure...
436
00:19:03,575 --> 00:19:07,043
if Foster can be a principal,
then why can't I be a principal?
437
00:19:07,073 --> 00:19:08,580
- That's great.
- I don't see why not.
438
00:19:08,594 --> 00:19:10,781
- Thank you. - Then you could
take me to the principal's office
439
00:19:10,787 --> 00:19:12,986
and punish me for
being tardy, and...
440
00:19:12,999 --> 00:19:15,152
- You know we're right here, right?
- Just lift up my britches and...
441
00:19:15,174 --> 00:19:16,341
- We'll talk about it later.
- Okay.
442
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:17,773
- We'll do it in my office.
- Very nice.
443
00:19:17,803 --> 00:19:19,163
After I fill up my juice box.
444
00:19:20,125 --> 00:19:22,217
So, guys, just quit
my job today.
445
00:19:22,237 --> 00:19:23,955
- Whoa, big decision.
- Oh, man! - What?
446
00:19:23,976 --> 00:19:25,472
I just finally said to myself,
447
00:19:25,491 --> 00:19:27,191
"It is time to make
your own decisions."
448
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,100
- Right on.
- Yeah.
449
00:19:28,113 --> 00:19:30,768
If it doesn't work out, I'm sure
they'd be happy to have you back.
450
00:19:30,790 --> 00:19:32,927
They would... they would
not like to have me back.
451
00:19:32,959 --> 00:19:34,426
- I burned a lot of bridges today.
- Mmm.
452
00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:36,588
Uh, stuff got weird.
Stuff got... racial.
453
00:19:36,601 --> 00:19:38,148
- What?
- I used a lot of swearwords.
454
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,746
Then I got sexual...
455
00:19:39,766 --> 00:19:42,024
Well, sounds like you need
a drink. On the house.
456
00:19:42,041 --> 00:19:44,659
- What can I get you?
- Ooh... Let me get a, let me get a...
457
00:19:44,677 --> 00:19:46,184
We have everything.
What would you like to drink?
458
00:19:46,205 --> 00:19:48,078
But you know,
I'll make the decision.
459
00:19:48,106 --> 00:19:49,582
Let me get...
460
00:19:49,937 --> 00:19:51,950
- Double amaretto, extra cherries!
- Double amaretto, extra cherries!
461
00:19:51,964 --> 00:19:54,091
- That's what I was gonna say.
- Nice.
462
00:19:55,285 --> 00:19:57,392
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, my goodness!
463
00:19:57,418 --> 00:19:59,025
My first shift, you know?
I'm still working on it.
464
00:19:59,045 --> 00:20:00,577
- She's getting better.
- That was great.
465
00:20:00,596 --> 00:20:02,829
- That was awesome.
- Yeah. A natural.
466
00:20:05,145 --> 00:20:06,225
- Hey.
- Hey.
467
00:20:06,244 --> 00:20:08,403
Sorry I didn't let you
finish your story.
468
00:20:12,388 --> 00:20:14,810
- What's this?
- The end of my story.
469
00:20:17,422 --> 00:20:19,086
No way!
470
00:20:20,406 --> 00:20:22,679
You passed the bar exam?
471
00:20:23,479 --> 00:20:26,447
I wanted to prove to myself that
I dropped out of law school
472
00:20:26,460 --> 00:20:28,709
because I wanted
to be a bartender,
473
00:20:28,746 --> 00:20:30,693
not because I
couldn't be a lawyer.
474
00:20:30,706 --> 00:20:32,543
- This also says "spaghetti sandwich."
- That's just 'cause
475
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:34,677
it's a great idea. When I have
a great idea, I write it down.
476
00:20:35,378 --> 00:20:36,371
The point is...
477
00:20:36,375 --> 00:20:37,786
is I want this.
478
00:20:38,264 --> 00:20:39,778
You know, it makes me happy.
479
00:20:39,949 --> 00:20:41,180
Well, here.
480
00:20:41,979 --> 00:20:43,977
Now, can I get you a drink?
481
00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:45,767
- Sure.
- Sure.
482
00:20:51,396 --> 00:20:52,851
Cheers.
To unemployment.
483
00:20:52,872 --> 00:20:54,657
- Absolutely.
- Exactly.
484
00:21:17,079 --> 00:21:19,382
I see you're looking
at a Douglas fir.
485
00:21:19,402 --> 00:21:22,622
It's a beautiful tree. We move a ton
of these Dougie firs. Love them.
486
00:21:22,688 --> 00:21:24,035
But...
487
00:21:24,249 --> 00:21:26,647
I feel like you're ready
for the spruce lifestyle.
488
00:21:26,951 --> 00:21:28,371
Let's spruce this up.
489
00:21:28,384 --> 00:21:29,906
Let me put you
in a spruce today.
490
00:21:29,934 --> 00:21:32,314
What kind of ceilings you dealing with
at home? Vaulted? Cathedral?
491
00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:33,504
By the way, there's
no wrong answer.
492
00:21:33,530 --> 00:21:35,257
You look like a confident
man, you know that?
493
00:21:35,276 --> 00:21:36,876
You deserve a confident tree...