♪ Oh, snap, snap, ♪
- ♪ Oh, snap, snap. ♪ - Wow...
- That sounds pretty good. - Thank you.
Hey, listen. Schmidt,
I've been kinda stuck on this whole career search thing.
- Oh. - You think I'd be good at advertising?
- I mean, that's what you do, right? - Advertising is a dog. Drinking beer.
A fat moron falling down the stairs.
A snot-nosed brat kicking his rapping grandpa in the testicles.
The rapping grandpa kills me, though.
I am in marketing, Winston. The backbone of capitalism.
- Without it, you'd be dead in two days. - I could be good at that.
Probably not, but you can shadow me at work today to find out.
Yeah! Team drug store, back from mission.
- Drug store, right, Coach? - Yeah. Uh, can I have my bag?
- Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff. - Thanks.
So, same time next week, right?
Team drug store? We'll go again to the drug store?
Team drug store? Ugh! God! What a walnut!
It's been two months we've been living with him,
and I have yet to crack him.
It's like we just spent an hour together. It was, like, nothing, no connection.
And don't tell me it's in my mind, because it's not.
We ran into one of his friends,
and Coach said the meanest thing about me.
Check these out. Can you believe these are for glaucoma?
She's my buddy's girlfriend.
You are my girlfriend. What's the big deal?
I want him to think of me as his friend.
- Oh, I hear that. - Well, it'll happen if it's meant to.
I need to find a way in.
I found a way to force myself into all of your lives. You just didn't know it.
- Food, clothes, Onesie pajamas. - I like the butt flap.
You really think mine was food?
I can think of five other reasons I wanted to be your friend.
Boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek.
In that order?
Well, I'm not gonna say, "vagina, butt cheek, boob, butt cheek, boob."
- Yeah, but that's the correct... - That's the order, yeah.
♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess.
Look, Nick, I need help.
Like, tell me about Coach. Like, what's up with him?
- What does he like? What does he dislike? - Well, Coach 101 is,
he's watching basketball.
And that's all he's gonna do from October till June. His team's the Pistons.
I mean, they were great in the '80s, but then we got Jordan.
Then they started getting good. Then we got Thibodeau.
What you gonna do now? And he knows that.
That's genius. Basketball. That's my way in.
Basketball's not your in. You don't know anything about basketball.
- Come on. - You refer to it as "basketsball."
Well, that's the technically-correct term, Nick.
There are two baskets. I'm an English teacher.
Basketball's just the first step.
We sit down, we watch a game. We have a few laughs.
Before you know it,
we'll be digging into each other's pasts.
- That's not how it works, though. - Childhoods, Nick.
That's the friendship money shot.
Men watch sports so we don't have to talk about childhood stuff.
- No. - It's a real thing.
And the game doesn't even have deeper meaning.
- Come on. - And there's no layers to it.
If I'm talking about a player overcoming the defense to win,
- ...that's not like I'm overcoming it. - No. Come on.
Not only that. He's a Pistons fan, and I'm a Bulls fan.
Right. I don't understand, no.
- It's rivalries. - Sharks and cats.
- Yankees, Red Sox. - Whales and dolphins.
Pistons fan, Bulls fan. End of discussion.
I get it. Jean Valjean and Javert.
Yeah, definitely. This is like a Jean Vanjer and Vajer situation.
- So, where do you do the marketing? - Oh, Winston, so sweet, so naive.
Where do we do the marketing? We do the marketing everywhere.
Now, you're gonna want to take notes on everything I do,
'cause you're about to see life happen at the speed of business.
- Schmidt. I have a task for you. - Hi, Kim.
We got a new guy, and I want you to show him around.
Wait. Who's this?
- Oh, I'm just shadowing Schmidt. - Called my bluff. Don't care...
Ed...? Come meet Schmidt.
Okeydokey.
That's the new guy? "New" compared to what, the moon?
Here's what happened. Gwen turned 45, so we had to fire her.
Obviously. So, wait. Gwen's job is available?
Yeah, but then grandma turned around and filed an ageism lawsuit,
so we hired Bran Flakes here to cover our ass.
- Just do it. - All right, I'll do it.
- Well, here I am. - Okay.
I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted you to learn from the best.
Well, actually, they said your office was closest to the can.
I got a prostate the size of an avacada.
- "Closest to the can." - Do not write that down, Winston!
Is it not closest to the can?
Yes!
Hey. Whoa.
I stay sealed off during basketball season.
Plus, I, uh, dropped some olives under the bed, can't reach 'em.
Oh. I got little pinchers.
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yoom.
Hey, so...
I was gonna watch the, uh, Pistons of Detroit game.
Don't really have the reach for that. Good thing I got legs.
- Wait. You like the Pistons? - Oh, yeah.
- Just like you. - Are you serious?!
- Yeah, I'm dead serious. - Aw!
- So, you in? - Be cool to watch it on a big TV.
- I found your olives. - Oh, you did?
- Thought they were gonna be in a jar. - No.
This is a big part of the biz, my man.
Networking, face time, making deals.
Normally, this would have a much sexier, businessman's vibe.
But not when I'm dragging around this old drooling potato.
Potata? Yeah, I can split a baked potata.
What a life you must have lead. Tell us about the street car, will you?
Oh, it was a dynamite way to get around.
- Mm-hmm. - Pasadena to to the beach...
- Hey. - I'll take another one of these.
- Sure. - You know, Cece, I can't help but think
that I am just following another bad lead with this marketing thing.
All I'm doing is taking a bunch of notes for Schmidt.
What's this? "Seems befuddled and totally lucid"?
- "Smells too clean"? - Those were just notes about Ed.
I'll tell you what. That dude is way more interesting than marketing.
If I'm gonna take Gwen's job and become the next CIO of Ass-Strat,
I can't just embrace modernization.
I got to make babies with it. Do you know what I mean?
It's time to unveil my baby. Micro-marketing.
Yeah, we target our messages directly to the individual consumer.
What a good idea.
They're gonna hold a ticker-tape parade for you in the Jewish part of town.
That's right. In the Jewish part of town.
- Mm. - Nothing but net.
Traditionally, "Nothing but net" refers to hitting nothing but inside of the net.
- Oh? - Ah, so, yeah, no.
Oh, time-out.
Butt bump.
What?
- I'm ready. - What? The butt...? Oh.
- Come on. - All right.
- Hey! Hey! What is that? - It's the Pistons butt bump.
I didn't know your girlfriend was a Pistons fan.
That's got to suck for you, man.
But I guess everything sucks for you when you root for the Bulls.
- Butt bump! Ah. - Ah. Ooh.
Oh, cool, cool, cool. So you're a Pistons fan now, Jess?
- Suck it, Bulls! - Yeah. Suck it, Bulls!
The worst team in the League,
- the Bulls. - Oh, it's the worst team in the League, all right.
- Who is the worst team in the League, Jess? - The Bulls.
♪ The Bulls are the worst team in the League. ♪
Hey.
So, went really well today.
I think Coach and I are really connecting.
Come on, what is that?
What do you mean?
What? Oh, Coach gave this to me. How cute is this shirt?
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm gonna need you to get out of my bed.
- Why? Because of the shirt? - 100% because of the shirt.
Oh, my God, you're serious.
I can't have you in my bed in a Pistons shirt.
- Oh, my God! - I need you to get out of the bed.
Jess, I need you to get out of there.
I tried being cool about it, but it's not cool.
- Really? - Really.
Nick, it's just basketball. Why are you taking this personally?
Because it's personal, Jess! That's my team.
It's the city that I'm from.
It's most of my relationship with my dad.
R.I.P., by the way.
Michael Jordan.
The first man that taught me that I could love a man.
And the Pistons are our rivals. They're like in Hamlet...
The McCalls and the... Sh... Hacksperes.
You're my girlfriend now, so...
- You got to be a Bulls fan. - That's the whole point, Nick.
Coach just thinks of me as your girlfriend,
and I want him to know me for me.
- Do you want me to be friends with Coach? - I-I absolutely do. Yes.
So, then, why can't I be a Pistons fan until we become friends,
and then I'll switch to the Bulls?
So every year you can just pick a new team?
You meet a new friend, you're a fan of that?
- I could never trust you. - Can we just have sex now, please?
I'm sorry. You can't be a Pistons fan. I forbid it.
- It has to be this way. - You can't forbid me to do stuff.
That's just not... you... That's not within your power.
- I just did. - The shirt stays!
Jessica, you're leaving me no options here.
- I'm gonna have to turn off the tap. - What tap?
The sex tap.
- But I need my vitamin D. - As long as you're wearing that shirt,
the tap is off.
- No more... hot water. - All right, fine, then.
My shirt and I will go sleep in my bed.
Oh. What happened to your Pistons jersey?
Did you rip it off and rush in here 'cause she got to have it?
- Look, is this still a thing? - Oh, it's still a thing.
No sex for you as long as you're a Pistons fan.
You can't use sex to manipulate... What are you doing?
Just brushing my dirty teeth.
They're filthy.
Nick, do not challenge me to a sex standoff.
I can channel all my sexual energy into knitting.
How do you think I made it through high school?
It's good when you go fast and then slow.
Make the teeth wait for it.
- You're on. - Oh!
Oh! Oh!
- Oh! Yeah! - Oh! Yeah! Turnover!
- Dunk it from the downtown! - Go! Go! Go!
- Pass that pumpkin to Josh Smith. - You better listen to my friend.
She knows exactly what she's talking about!
Did you just call me your friend?
Hmm?
What's up, guys?
Ah, two minutes in, and the Pistons are already down by ten. What a drag.
What the heck are you wearing, dude?
Just my Scottie Pippens. Yeah.
Oh, hey, I'm just checking up on you. You frustrated at all?
- You need your... vitamin D? - No.
Jessica...
- Three-point play! Yes! - Oh, yeah!
- That's what I'm talking about! - We are talking about the same thing...
My friend and I.
Do my berries make you hungry?
Mmm. Refreshing.
Just drink the water, Nick.
- You're turning yourself on now. - I really am, yeah.
Okay, next order of business is...
Kim, if I may, uh, present an idea very quickly to the group.
- While I know... - Micro-marketing.
What?
Has this company ever considered targeting
its message to individual consumers?
Big data's knocking.
Let's open the door. Just a thought.
Yeah, interesting. Ed, look into that and present it to the board asap.
Great job. I'd hug you, but you smell like a public library.
- What are you doing? - I may be dirty, but I play old.
- You said that wrong. - And yet I got my paw wrapped around your avacadas.
What is with you and avacadas?
Sorry.
You're never gonna believe what Ed just did.
He stabbed you in the back.
Winston, that's exactly what happened. How did you do that?
I figured him out, Schmidt.
That liver spot out-sharked me.
Can you believe that? I'm-I'm a minnow.
Tomorrow, Ed is gonna present my idea to the board,
and then he's gonna get the... get the promotion.
My career is toast. Minnow toast.
Yeah, well, I tip my hat to him.
The minnow tips his tiny hat to the shark,
and then lays down on the toast to be eaten.
There is too much going on in whatever metaphor you're trying.
- Okay? It's too busy. - Somewhat made se... Oh, forget it.
- Ed wins. I'm a mess. - Hell, no, Schmidt.
Justice has to be served, all right?
- Mm-hmm. - Right. Let us stop Ed.
The minnow needs to get up off of...
No, off of the toast mat
and fish-fight his way to the orangutan ball.
I just don't understand why they keep giving these games away!
You know what it was? It was that turnover in the third quarter.
- Right. - Yeah. I'll show you.
- I can just take your word for it. - Actually, let's do it from the beginning.
You want to watch the game we just watched all over again?
- Mm-hmm. - With both overtimes?
Mm-hmm.
Great.
- Looking for somebody? - Just doing a bed check.
And you are accounted for, so...
- See you. - So, how's it going?
You guys bonding over basketball, Jess?
We're actually this close to moving past
basketball and into real friendship, so...
- Great. - I'm feeling pretty good about it.
After the Pistons lost,
did he get really sad and talk to you about it?
About how he felt and you guys became besties after?
Or did that not happen because that's not the way men are?
The Pistons lost, so you must be feeling pretty good.
- Oh, I'm happy, yeah. - Yeah...?
- You're feeling excited? - Mm-hmm.
- Worked up? - Yeah.
Ready to cave?
- Oh, I've never been stronger. - Oh, yeah?
So if I just read you a description of...
Like, what a Piston does, you know,
on my phone, it wouldn't affect you at all?
Is that what you're saying?
It's just a rod
that transfers, uh, force
from the crank shaft...
What is this, a seduction class for kindergarteners?
Watch the master work.
Ooh.
How about this?
A little Paula Abdul stuff.
Oh.
Yeah.
Are we doing this?
- Ha! - What are you doing?
Ball's in my court now, pal.
I'm turning off my tap until you become a Pistons fan.
- Hey, that wasn't part of the deal. - It is now.
Mmm.
I can't figure out my counterstrike, Winston.
The only thing we know about Ed is that he's old and cranky,
and he baffles me because I'm so darn young and pleasant.
We just got to get inside into his old, cranky mind.
We have to find an older, crankier mind.
How are we gonna find an older, crankier mind than Ed?
Hey, where are you guys getting your photos developed these days?
I got these beefcake selfies that I want to dangle in front of Jess,
get her engine revved up.
- Your phone has a camera, Nick. - These are sexy, sensual, private pics.
I don't want them beamed right into Snowden's pocket.
I'm not going through Wikileaks, man. It's not for me. Analog.
It's the only thing you can trust.
You care to elaborate, you know, on this whole analog thing?
No, here's the reality, you never know what's gonna happen with a phone.
- Right. - The hinges that hold the flip together,
they get loosened over time when-when they get wet.
And then once you open it, it's easier for people
to go in there and see your passwords and, you know, see your codes.
Once the screen breaks, your information's in the Twitterverse, man.
And it's all out there for everyone to see,
all these little monkey elves, man, all these kids.
That's all they do. Get your information, man.
Bottom line is you can't control your technology.
That's what's going on in Japan with all those robots.
Not for me, man. That's why I trust a hard copy.
- Plain and simple. - Hard copy, Schmidt.
- Nice work. - Thank you.
And, Nick, you know, if you're gonna be taking boudoir shots, please consult me.
- I know. - I have a series of poses
that many people, including myself, find very sexy.
- Alright. - Okay, here's one that I call the half Nelson.
- Yeah, I didn't do that. - This is called a Guy Fieri.
- Just taste the sauces. - Yeah.
Black licorice.
Ooh.
- Yeah. - You're welcome.
- Schmidt's dead wrong. - Oh, yeah?
I got some real hot pics in here.
- I don't care. - There's one of me as a sexy mayor,
looking out the window, deciding the future of my city.
It's got to get her going.
Daddy needs his cookie.
Dude, just wear the damn Pistons jersey.
Oh, my God, I've got to end this.
What time is it?!
Game time!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
It's my favorite time.
Other than... medieval time.
All right.
Huh?
- What the...? - What the...?
- Let me see what's... - Wait, no, I'll do it. It's okay.
No! Oh, my God, a mouse...
Rat or s... Uh, some creature.
- I got to go watch it in my room. - Wait, no, no, no. Coach, Coach, Coach.
Look, since we can't watch the game, why don't we just...
- Have a nice, long chat over coffee? - What?
- You know, just talk, hang out. - What...?
And then coffee turns to dinner, and dinner turns to weekly dinner,
and before you know it, I'm best man at your beach wedding.
Do we have to?
We don't... okay.
- You start. - Me?
Hey, you want to do this over food?
Yes! Yes!
No! No, no, no, no!
No! Come on!
Get your head out of your ass, so you can see where you're going, damn it!
Okay.
- What? - I have to say it.
Coach, I...
I don't like basketball.
- What? - There's, like, no fun parts.
There's no themes.
Men should not be wearing tank tops, ever.
Why were you pretending to like basketball?
'Cause I wanted to be friends with you.
Dude, you're my buddy's girlfriend. We're watching the game.
What's the problem, dude? What else do you want?
No, you're right. I'm just, um... I'm just Nick's girlfriend, so...
- Enjoy the game. Okay. - Where are you going?
I'm just, um...
- Jess... - Where...
Jess!
Ladies, you all look like a hundred bucks.
I hope someone's taking you out for oysters Rockefeller tonight.
Now, before I begin,
my little helper here will distribute some handouts for your reference.
Uh, you know what, Ed? I'm really sorry.
Company printers are on the Fritz, so...
Little helper that I am, I decided to load everything up onto the laptop.
There you go.
Well, I'm sure there's a printer that works.
- I'll just wait for the hard copies. - I broke all the printers.
I'm gonna beat you with an orange in a sock.
Besides, we're talking about technology, aren't we?
Be a little silly to talk about technology without using technology.
- Am I right, Kim? - Use the technology, Ed.
Hup-I-dip-I-dip...
Oh...
My left arm.
My neck.
You got me this time, Hebrew. But I'll be back.
This is why the cutoff's at 45, ladies.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Jess! You win! I'm all backed up!
I've even been fantasizing about Winston!
Where is she, dude?
Don't do that laugh.
- What are you wearing, dude? - It's for sex.
You like the Pistons.
Why don't you shut up, Coach?
- Where's Jess? - What is up with that girl, dude?
One minute we're watching the game, the next she's, like,
calling me a jerk and storming out of the place.
She just wants to be your friend. Any idiot can see that.
We were being friends. We were watching the game together.
- It was an awesome game. - Okay, maybe she wants more than that.
Like what?
- You want to know a trick? - Absolutely.
This is how you get in with Jess.
You know when you're driving in your car and you have a random thought, like...
"I wonder if seals are friends."
Yeah, or like...
"I really want to text right now, but there's a cop behind me."
- That's not the one I mean. - "Why do T-Rex have little arms?"
Don't finish. Don't f... I know you, don't...
"If they get an itch in their crotch, how do they scratch it?"
I mean more like sweet, kind of emotional stuff.
Like, if you combed, you know, like, a gorilla's hair, would it like it?
Like... I've never seen a baby pigeon before.
Exactly!
Tell that to her and you get a friend for life.
Now, excuse me. Sex awaits.
Hey, Jess! You win! I want to take you!
Respectfully!
- Come here. - Take that Jersey off.
Actually, leave it on.
Oh!
- To Winston. - Hear, hear.
As a thank-you, I'd like... I'd like to get you a job at Ass-Strat.
I'll make you a real Ass man.
Mmm...
I don't know, man.
I kind of liked the part where we just get to analyze evidence, you know.
Connect the dots a little bit, yeah. Live inside of someone else's mind.
- Spoken like a true marketing analyst. - I don't know.
You know, I kind of want to be free of a desk as well.
Well... roam the streets a little bit.
Just sniff out clues. Let me ask you something.
- You guys get donuts in the morning? - You ever thought of being a cop?
- Winston, I think you'd be great. - I can see it.
You know, it's funny. I was thinking the exact same thing.
You've already got high cholesterol and weird people skills.
- "Officer Bishop." - I like the way that sounds.
It would be nice to retroactively justify that mustache.
It's a hell of a mustache.
What does that mean? That was from a movie.
- Training Day's my favorite movie. - I understand that,
but you understand that's not what being a cop is.
I want to drop fools! Huh? That's what you're telling me?
If you think this means you can start yelling at me...
You damn right, sucker! That's what that means.
Oh, I apologize about that.
Jess?
♪ Jessica Day-hey-ey.
I just want to say that, um, I would love to be your friend.
Look, I know I'm crazy about the Pistons,
but it's just because Detroit was the city I lived in the longest as a kid.
- Yes. - I lived in, like, six different states by the time I was ten.
At a certain point, I just... Stopped trying to make friends.
Ah!
Got real comfy on that.
Really?
Lot easier saying bye to your buddy's girlfriend than it is your friend.
Well, I'm not gonna be saying good-bye to you anytime soon.
- Except for right now. - Oh.
You want to do a butt bump?
Butt...
Ah, you're probably doing your own butt bumps.
Cool. I know you guys are already done.
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