1 00:00:00,883 --> 00:00:03,698 ♪ Oh, snap, snap, ♪ 2 00:00:03,731 --> 00:00:05,804 - ♪ Oh, snap, snap. ♪ - Wow... 3 00:00:05,824 --> 00:00:07,440 - That sounds pretty good. - Thank you. 4 00:00:07,455 --> 00:00:08,600 Hey, listen. Schmidt, 5 00:00:08,625 --> 00:00:11,305 I've been kinda stuck on this whole career search thing. 6 00:00:11,338 --> 00:00:13,210 - Oh. - You think I'd be good at advertising? 7 00:00:13,224 --> 00:00:16,787 - I mean, that's what you do, right? - Advertising is a dog. Drinking beer. 8 00:00:16,899 --> 00:00:18,852 A fat moron falling down the stairs. 9 00:00:18,865 --> 00:00:21,977 A snot-nosed brat kicking his rapping grandpa in the testicles. 10 00:00:21,983 --> 00:00:24,396 The rapping grandpa kills me, though. 11 00:00:24,409 --> 00:00:27,669 I am in marketing, Winston. The backbone of capitalism. 12 00:00:27,682 --> 00:00:30,030 - Without it, you'd be dead in two days. - I could be good at that. 13 00:00:30,050 --> 00:00:32,208 Probably not, but you can shadow me at work today to find out. 14 00:00:32,227 --> 00:00:35,748 Yeah! Team drug store, back from mission. 15 00:00:35,768 --> 00:00:38,991 - Drug store, right, Coach? - Yeah. Uh, can I have my bag? 16 00:00:39,010 --> 00:00:41,013 - Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff. - Thanks. 17 00:00:41,026 --> 00:00:42,986 So, same time next week, right? 18 00:00:43,013 --> 00:00:46,013 Team drug store? We'll go again to the drug store? 19 00:00:46,037 --> 00:00:49,732 Team drug store? Ugh! God! What a walnut! 20 00:00:51,039 --> 00:00:53,345 It's been two months we've been living with him, 21 00:00:53,370 --> 00:00:54,550 and I have yet to crack him. 22 00:00:54,568 --> 00:00:57,966 It's like we just spent an hour together. It was, like, nothing, no connection. 23 00:00:57,994 --> 00:01:00,161 And don't tell me it's in my mind, because it's not. 24 00:01:00,167 --> 00:01:01,701 We ran into one of his friends, 25 00:01:01,726 --> 00:01:03,860 and Coach said the meanest thing about me. 26 00:01:03,875 --> 00:01:07,062 Check these out. Can you believe these are for glaucoma? 27 00:01:07,427 --> 00:01:09,190 She's my buddy's girlfriend. 28 00:01:11,964 --> 00:01:13,864 You are my girlfriend. What's the big deal? 29 00:01:13,883 --> 00:01:16,144 I want him to think of me as his friend. 30 00:01:16,161 --> 00:01:18,037 - Oh, I hear that. - Well, it'll happen if it's meant to. 31 00:01:18,056 --> 00:01:19,330 I need to find a way in. 32 00:01:19,343 --> 00:01:22,643 I found a way to force myself into all of your lives. You just didn't know it. 33 00:01:22,663 --> 00:01:26,102 - Food, clothes, Onesie pajamas. - I like the butt flap. 34 00:01:26,133 --> 00:01:27,737 You really think mine was food? 35 00:01:27,765 --> 00:01:31,669 I can think of five other reasons I wanted to be your friend. 36 00:01:31,688 --> 00:01:33,165 Boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek. 37 00:01:33,183 --> 00:01:34,110 In that order? 38 00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:36,907 Well, I'm not gonna say, "vagina, butt cheek, boob, butt cheek, boob." 39 00:01:36,919 --> 00:01:38,745 - Yeah, but that's the correct... - That's the order, yeah. 40 00:01:39,203 --> 00:01:41,971 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 41 00:01:41,991 --> 00:01:43,331 ♪ Who's that girl? 42 00:01:43,344 --> 00:01:45,245 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. 43 00:01:45,391 --> 00:01:47,146 Look, Nick, I need help. 44 00:01:47,183 --> 00:01:49,363 Like, tell me about Coach. Like, what's up with him? 45 00:01:49,382 --> 00:01:51,927 - What does he like? What does he dislike? - Well, Coach 101 is, 46 00:01:51,947 --> 00:01:53,095 he's watching basketball. 47 00:01:53,118 --> 00:01:56,489 And that's all he's gonna do from October till June. His team's the Pistons. 48 00:01:57,477 --> 00:02:00,228 I mean, they were great in the '80s, but then we got Jordan. 49 00:02:00,249 --> 00:02:02,522 Then they started getting good. Then we got Thibodeau. 50 00:02:02,528 --> 00:02:04,342 What you gonna do now? And he knows that. 51 00:02:04,361 --> 00:02:06,334 That's genius. Basketball. That's my way in. 52 00:02:06,355 --> 00:02:08,757 Basketball's not your in. You don't know anything about basketball. 53 00:02:08,777 --> 00:02:10,829 - Come on. - You refer to it as "basketsball." 54 00:02:10,854 --> 00:02:13,247 Well, that's the technically-correct term, Nick. 55 00:02:13,283 --> 00:02:16,227 There are two baskets. I'm an English teacher. 56 00:02:16,250 --> 00:02:17,857 Basketball's just the first step. 57 00:02:17,875 --> 00:02:20,548 We sit down, we watch a game. We have a few laughs. 58 00:02:20,570 --> 00:02:22,460 Before you know it, 59 00:02:22,486 --> 00:02:24,926 we'll be digging into each other's pasts. 60 00:02:24,946 --> 00:02:27,079 - That's not how it works, though. - Childhoods, Nick. 61 00:02:27,096 --> 00:02:28,424 That's the friendship money shot. 62 00:02:28,437 --> 00:02:31,189 Men watch sports so we don't have to talk about childhood stuff. 63 00:02:31,216 --> 00:02:33,189 - No. - It's a real thing. 64 00:02:33,223 --> 00:02:34,942 And the game doesn't even have deeper meaning. 65 00:02:34,968 --> 00:02:36,728 - Come on. - And there's no layers to it. 66 00:02:36,747 --> 00:02:39,999 If I'm talking about a player overcoming the defense to win, 67 00:02:40,012 --> 00:02:42,007 - ...that's not like I'm overcoming it. - No. Come on. 68 00:02:42,026 --> 00:02:44,582 Not only that. He's a Pistons fan, and I'm a Bulls fan. 69 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:45,993 Right. I don't understand, no. 70 00:02:46,012 --> 00:02:48,283 - It's rivalries. - Sharks and cats. 71 00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:51,643 - Yankees, Red Sox. - Whales and dolphins. 72 00:02:51,662 --> 00:02:53,175 Pistons fan, Bulls fan. End of discussion. 73 00:02:53,198 --> 00:02:56,296 I get it. Jean Valjean and Javert. 74 00:02:56,319 --> 00:03:00,456 Yeah, definitely. This is like a Jean Vanjer and Vajer situation. 75 00:03:00,484 --> 00:03:03,952 - So, where do you do the marketing? - Oh, Winston, so sweet, so naive. 76 00:03:03,965 --> 00:03:06,328 Where do we do the marketing? We do the marketing everywhere. 77 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:09,292 Now, you're gonna want to take notes on everything I do, 78 00:03:09,305 --> 00:03:11,525 'cause you're about to see life happen at the speed of business. 79 00:03:11,545 --> 00:03:13,972 - Schmidt. I have a task for you. - Hi, Kim. 80 00:03:13,999 --> 00:03:16,499 We got a new guy, and I want you to show him around. 81 00:03:16,532 --> 00:03:17,256 Wait. Who's this? 82 00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:19,934 - Oh, I'm just shadowing Schmidt. - Called my bluff. Don't care... 83 00:03:19,979 --> 00:03:22,792 Ed...? Come meet Schmidt. 84 00:03:22,814 --> 00:03:24,197 Okeydokey. 85 00:03:24,252 --> 00:03:26,935 That's the new guy? "New" compared to what, the moon? 86 00:03:26,966 --> 00:03:31,131 Here's what happened. Gwen turned 45, so we had to fire her. 87 00:03:31,150 --> 00:03:34,451 Obviously. So, wait. Gwen's job is available? 88 00:03:34,471 --> 00:03:37,182 Yeah, but then grandma turned around and filed an ageism lawsuit, 89 00:03:37,202 --> 00:03:39,589 so we hired Bran Flakes here to cover our ass. 90 00:03:39,602 --> 00:03:40,949 - Just do it. - All right, I'll do it. 91 00:03:40,965 --> 00:03:43,158 - Well, here I am. - Okay. 92 00:03:43,186 --> 00:03:45,539 I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted you to learn from the best. 93 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,732 Well, actually, they said your office was closest to the can. 94 00:03:48,754 --> 00:03:51,412 I got a prostate the size of an avacada. 95 00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:54,545 - "Closest to the can." - Do not write that down, Winston! 96 00:03:54,566 --> 00:03:56,239 Is it not closest to the can? 97 00:03:57,551 --> 00:03:58,917 Yes! 98 00:03:59,207 --> 00:04:01,015 Hey. Whoa. 99 00:04:01,045 --> 00:04:03,525 I stay sealed off during basketball season. 100 00:04:03,665 --> 00:04:06,182 Plus, I, uh, dropped some olives under the bed, can't reach 'em. 101 00:04:06,201 --> 00:04:08,243 Oh. I got little pinchers. 102 00:04:08,553 --> 00:04:10,314 Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yoom. 103 00:04:10,373 --> 00:04:12,286 Hey, so... 104 00:04:13,371 --> 00:04:16,053 I was gonna watch the, uh, Pistons of Detroit game. 105 00:04:16,069 --> 00:04:18,709 Don't really have the reach for that. Good thing I got legs. 106 00:04:18,728 --> 00:04:20,281 - Wait. You like the Pistons? - Oh, yeah. 107 00:04:20,306 --> 00:04:22,333 - Just like you. - Are you serious?! 108 00:04:22,488 --> 00:04:24,315 - Yeah, I'm dead serious. - Aw! 109 00:04:24,341 --> 00:04:26,739 - So, you in? - Be cool to watch it on a big TV. 110 00:04:27,428 --> 00:04:28,962 - I found your olives. - Oh, you did? 111 00:04:28,990 --> 00:04:31,397 - Thought they were gonna be in a jar. - No. 112 00:04:32,915 --> 00:04:34,656 This is a big part of the biz, my man. 113 00:04:34,668 --> 00:04:36,810 Networking, face time, making deals. 114 00:04:36,829 --> 00:04:40,203 Normally, this would have a much sexier, businessman's vibe. 115 00:04:40,224 --> 00:04:43,520 But not when I'm dragging around this old drooling potato. 116 00:04:43,553 --> 00:04:46,153 Potata? Yeah, I can split a baked potata. 117 00:04:46,165 --> 00:04:48,958 What a life you must have lead. Tell us about the street car, will you? 118 00:04:48,975 --> 00:04:50,936 Oh, it was a dynamite way to get around. 119 00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:53,346 - Mm-hmm. - Pasadena to to the beach... 120 00:04:53,371 --> 00:04:55,164 - Hey. - I'll take another one of these. 121 00:04:55,191 --> 00:04:57,351 - Sure. - You know, Cece, I can't help but think 122 00:04:57,370 --> 00:05:02,100 that I am just following another bad lead with this marketing thing. 123 00:05:02,122 --> 00:05:04,673 All I'm doing is taking a bunch of notes for Schmidt. 124 00:05:05,257 --> 00:05:08,384 What's this? "Seems befuddled and totally lucid"? 125 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,239 - "Smells too clean"? - Those were just notes about Ed. 126 00:05:11,424 --> 00:05:14,405 I'll tell you what. That dude is way more interesting than marketing. 127 00:05:14,796 --> 00:05:18,365 If I'm gonna take Gwen's job and become the next CIO of Ass-Strat, 128 00:05:18,391 --> 00:05:20,731 I can't just embrace modernization. 129 00:05:20,751 --> 00:05:22,863 I got to make babies with it. Do you know what I mean? 130 00:05:22,876 --> 00:05:26,626 It's time to unveil my baby. Micro-marketing. 131 00:05:26,706 --> 00:05:30,593 Yeah, we target our messages directly to the individual consumer. 132 00:05:30,610 --> 00:05:32,491 What a good idea. 133 00:05:32,604 --> 00:05:36,057 They're gonna hold a ticker-tape parade for you in the Jewish part of town. 134 00:05:36,070 --> 00:05:37,899 That's right. In the Jewish part of town. 135 00:05:39,538 --> 00:05:42,190 - Mm. - Nothing but net. 136 00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:45,576 Traditionally, "Nothing but net" refers to hitting nothing but inside of the net. 137 00:05:45,598 --> 00:05:47,841 - Oh? - Ah, so, yeah, no. 138 00:05:48,491 --> 00:05:49,961 Oh, time-out. 139 00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:51,729 Butt bump. 140 00:05:52,381 --> 00:05:53,088 What? 141 00:05:53,114 --> 00:05:55,308 - I'm ready. - What? The butt...? Oh. 142 00:05:55,332 --> 00:05:57,606 - Come on. - All right. 143 00:05:58,014 --> 00:06:00,927 - Hey! Hey! What is that? - It's the Pistons butt bump. 144 00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:03,091 I didn't know your girlfriend was a Pistons fan. 145 00:06:03,816 --> 00:06:05,223 That's got to suck for you, man. 146 00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:08,372 But I guess everything sucks for you when you root for the Bulls. 147 00:06:09,532 --> 00:06:11,475 - Butt bump! Ah. - Ah. Ooh. 148 00:06:11,495 --> 00:06:15,320 Oh, cool, cool, cool. So you're a Pistons fan now, Jess? 149 00:06:15,441 --> 00:06:18,361 - Suck it, Bulls! - Yeah. Suck it, Bulls! 150 00:06:18,374 --> 00:06:19,707 The worst team in the League, 151 00:06:19,745 --> 00:06:22,672 - the Bulls. - Oh, it's the worst team in the League, all right. 152 00:06:22,694 --> 00:06:25,152 - Who is the worst team in the League, Jess? - The Bulls. 153 00:06:25,573 --> 00:06:29,203 ♪ The Bulls are the worst team in the League. ♪ 154 00:06:31,386 --> 00:06:32,691 Hey. 155 00:06:33,157 --> 00:06:35,922 So, went really well today. 156 00:06:35,983 --> 00:06:38,762 I think Coach and I are really connecting. 157 00:06:39,622 --> 00:06:41,346 Come on, what is that? 158 00:06:43,947 --> 00:06:45,585 What do you mean? 159 00:06:45,748 --> 00:06:49,217 What? Oh, Coach gave this to me. How cute is this shirt? 160 00:06:49,379 --> 00:06:52,179 Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm gonna need you to get out of my bed. 161 00:06:52,204 --> 00:06:55,037 - Why? Because of the shirt? - 100% because of the shirt. 162 00:06:55,621 --> 00:06:57,208 Oh, my God, you're serious. 163 00:06:57,221 --> 00:06:58,753 I can't have you in my bed in a Pistons shirt. 164 00:06:58,771 --> 00:07:00,391 - Oh, my God! - I need you to get out of the bed. 165 00:07:00,404 --> 00:07:01,937 Jess, I need you to get out of there. 166 00:07:01,947 --> 00:07:03,935 I tried being cool about it, but it's not cool. 167 00:07:03,961 --> 00:07:04,895 - Really? - Really. 168 00:07:04,917 --> 00:07:07,782 Nick, it's just basketball. Why are you taking this personally? 169 00:07:07,808 --> 00:07:10,704 Because it's personal, Jess! That's my team. 170 00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:12,581 It's the city that I'm from. 171 00:07:12,846 --> 00:07:14,926 It's most of my relationship with my dad. 172 00:07:14,951 --> 00:07:16,578 R.I.P., by the way. 173 00:07:16,597 --> 00:07:17,937 Michael Jordan. 174 00:07:17,965 --> 00:07:20,358 The first man that taught me that I could love a man. 175 00:07:20,376 --> 00:07:23,189 And the Pistons are our rivals. They're like in Hamlet... 176 00:07:23,214 --> 00:07:25,925 The McCalls and the... Sh... Hacksperes. 177 00:07:26,391 --> 00:07:28,611 You're my girlfriend now, so... 178 00:07:28,636 --> 00:07:30,749 - You got to be a Bulls fan. - That's the whole point, Nick. 179 00:07:30,775 --> 00:07:32,601 Coach just thinks of me as your girlfriend, 180 00:07:32,621 --> 00:07:34,821 and I want him to know me for me. 181 00:07:34,870 --> 00:07:37,930 - Do you want me to be friends with Coach? - I-I absolutely do. Yes. 182 00:07:37,949 --> 00:07:41,372 So, then, why can't I be a Pistons fan until we become friends, 183 00:07:41,568 --> 00:07:42,728 and then I'll switch to the Bulls? 184 00:07:42,765 --> 00:07:44,232 So every year you can just pick a new team? 185 00:07:44,237 --> 00:07:46,344 You meet a new friend, you're a fan of that? 186 00:07:46,371 --> 00:07:48,912 - I could never trust you. - Can we just have sex now, please? 187 00:07:48,925 --> 00:07:51,478 I'm sorry. You can't be a Pistons fan. I forbid it. 188 00:07:51,745 --> 00:07:55,966 - It has to be this way. - You can't forbid me to do stuff. 189 00:07:55,972 --> 00:07:58,142 That's just not... you... That's not within your power. 190 00:07:58,161 --> 00:07:59,901 - I just did. - The shirt stays! 191 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:02,593 Jessica, you're leaving me no options here. 192 00:08:02,884 --> 00:08:05,251 - I'm gonna have to turn off the tap. - What tap? 193 00:08:05,283 --> 00:08:06,775 The sex tap. 194 00:08:07,899 --> 00:08:10,418 - But I need my vitamin D. - As long as you're wearing that shirt, 195 00:08:10,538 --> 00:08:12,024 the tap is off. 196 00:08:12,265 --> 00:08:15,346 - No more... hot water. - All right, fine, then. 197 00:08:15,359 --> 00:08:18,477 My shirt and I will go sleep in my bed. 198 00:08:24,539 --> 00:08:26,473 Oh. What happened to your Pistons jersey? 199 00:08:26,492 --> 00:08:30,260 Did you rip it off and rush in here 'cause she got to have it? 200 00:08:30,275 --> 00:08:32,488 - Look, is this still a thing? - Oh, it's still a thing. 201 00:08:32,507 --> 00:08:34,567 No sex for you as long as you're a Pistons fan. 202 00:08:34,586 --> 00:08:37,703 You can't use sex to manipulate... What are you doing? 203 00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,725 Just brushing my dirty teeth. 204 00:08:40,221 --> 00:08:41,083 They're filthy. 205 00:08:41,095 --> 00:08:44,403 Nick, do not challenge me to a sex standoff. 206 00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:47,223 I can channel all my sexual energy into knitting. 207 00:08:47,243 --> 00:08:48,696 How do you think I made it through high school? 208 00:08:48,723 --> 00:08:50,916 It's good when you go fast and then slow. 209 00:08:50,935 --> 00:08:52,786 Make the teeth wait for it. 210 00:08:53,708 --> 00:08:55,395 - You're on. - Oh! 211 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,572 Oh! Oh! 212 00:08:57,587 --> 00:09:00,294 - Oh! Yeah! - Oh! Yeah! Turnover! 213 00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,101 - Dunk it from the downtown! - Go! Go! Go! 214 00:09:02,115 --> 00:09:04,966 - Pass that pumpkin to Josh Smith. - You better listen to my friend. 215 00:09:04,985 --> 00:09:07,396 She knows exactly what she's talking about! 216 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,327 Did you just call me your friend? 217 00:09:09,371 --> 00:09:10,244 Hmm? 218 00:09:10,271 --> 00:09:11,685 What's up, guys? 219 00:09:11,829 --> 00:09:15,362 Ah, two minutes in, and the Pistons are already down by ten. What a drag. 220 00:09:15,381 --> 00:09:17,142 What the heck are you wearing, dude? 221 00:09:17,166 --> 00:09:19,153 Just my Scottie Pippens. Yeah. 222 00:09:19,173 --> 00:09:21,788 Oh, hey, I'm just checking up on you. You frustrated at all? 223 00:09:22,190 --> 00:09:25,126 - You need your... vitamin D? - No. 224 00:09:28,413 --> 00:09:29,873 Jessica... 225 00:09:29,899 --> 00:09:31,771 - Three-point play! Yes! - Oh, yeah! 226 00:09:31,798 --> 00:09:35,029 - That's what I'm talking about! - We are talking about the same thing... 227 00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:36,688 My friend and I. 228 00:09:38,150 --> 00:09:41,016 Do my berries make you hungry? 229 00:09:43,681 --> 00:09:45,523 Mmm. Refreshing. 230 00:09:45,550 --> 00:09:47,138 Just drink the water, Nick. 231 00:09:48,397 --> 00:09:50,870 - You're turning yourself on now. - I really am, yeah. 232 00:09:51,972 --> 00:09:53,907 Okay, next order of business is... 233 00:09:53,929 --> 00:09:57,726 Kim, if I may, uh, present an idea very quickly to the group. 234 00:09:57,745 --> 00:09:59,366 - While I know... - Micro-marketing. 235 00:09:59,386 --> 00:10:00,146 What? 236 00:10:00,170 --> 00:10:02,058 Has this company ever considered targeting 237 00:10:02,078 --> 00:10:04,701 its message to individual consumers? 238 00:10:04,882 --> 00:10:06,468 Big data's knocking. 239 00:10:06,493 --> 00:10:08,340 Let's open the door. Just a thought. 240 00:10:08,365 --> 00:10:11,365 Yeah, interesting. Ed, look into that and present it to the board asap. 241 00:10:11,391 --> 00:10:15,021 Great job. I'd hug you, but you smell like a public library. 242 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:18,362 - What are you doing? - I may be dirty, but I play old. 243 00:10:18,382 --> 00:10:22,522 - You said that wrong. - And yet I got my paw wrapped around your avacadas. 244 00:10:22,728 --> 00:10:24,642 What is with you and avacadas? 245 00:10:24,673 --> 00:10:25,823 Sorry. 246 00:10:26,749 --> 00:10:28,998 You're never gonna believe what Ed just did. 247 00:10:29,276 --> 00:10:30,536 He stabbed you in the back. 248 00:10:30,549 --> 00:10:32,695 Winston, that's exactly what happened. How did you do that? 249 00:10:32,701 --> 00:10:34,267 I figured him out, Schmidt. 250 00:10:34,295 --> 00:10:36,710 That liver spot out-sharked me. 251 00:10:36,735 --> 00:10:39,122 Can you believe that? I'm-I'm a minnow. 252 00:10:39,146 --> 00:10:41,967 Tomorrow, Ed is gonna present my idea to the board, 253 00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:44,346 and then he's gonna get the... get the promotion. 254 00:10:44,365 --> 00:10:46,954 My career is toast. Minnow toast. 255 00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:48,630 Yeah, well, I tip my hat to him. 256 00:10:48,643 --> 00:10:50,964 The minnow tips his tiny hat to the shark, 257 00:10:50,982 --> 00:10:52,876 and then lays down on the toast to be eaten. 258 00:10:52,896 --> 00:10:55,404 There is too much going on in whatever metaphor you're trying. 259 00:10:55,430 --> 00:10:57,590 - Okay? It's too busy. - Somewhat made se... Oh, forget it. 260 00:10:57,612 --> 00:11:00,679 - Ed wins. I'm a mess. - Hell, no, Schmidt. 261 00:11:00,695 --> 00:11:02,662 Justice has to be served, all right? 262 00:11:02,674 --> 00:11:04,801 - Mm-hmm. - Right. Let us stop Ed. 263 00:11:04,825 --> 00:11:07,633 The minnow needs to get up off of... 264 00:11:07,656 --> 00:11:09,816 No, off of the toast mat 265 00:11:09,830 --> 00:11:13,780 and fish-fight his way to the orangutan ball. 266 00:11:15,501 --> 00:11:19,729 I just don't understand why they keep giving these games away! 267 00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:23,242 You know what it was? It was that turnover in the third quarter. 268 00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:24,975 - Right. - Yeah. I'll show you. 269 00:11:25,008 --> 00:11:28,346 - I can just take your word for it. - Actually, let's do it from the beginning. 270 00:11:28,368 --> 00:11:31,481 You want to watch the game we just watched all over again? 271 00:11:31,508 --> 00:11:33,685 - Mm-hmm. - With both overtimes? 272 00:11:33,712 --> 00:11:35,098 Mm-hmm. 273 00:11:36,354 --> 00:11:37,508 Great. 274 00:11:46,254 --> 00:11:48,261 - Looking for somebody? - Just doing a bed check. 275 00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:51,683 And you are accounted for, so... 276 00:11:52,533 --> 00:11:54,411 - See you. - So, how's it going? 277 00:11:55,272 --> 00:11:57,332 You guys bonding over basketball, Jess? 278 00:11:57,344 --> 00:11:59,620 We're actually this close to moving past 279 00:11:59,645 --> 00:12:01,872 basketball and into real friendship, so... 280 00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,244 - Great. - I'm feeling pretty good about it. 281 00:12:03,250 --> 00:12:04,945 After the Pistons lost, 282 00:12:04,970 --> 00:12:07,397 did he get really sad and talk to you about it? 283 00:12:07,418 --> 00:12:10,412 About how he felt and you guys became besties after? 284 00:12:10,443 --> 00:12:14,081 Or did that not happen because that's not the way men are? 285 00:12:14,965 --> 00:12:17,999 The Pistons lost, so you must be feeling pretty good. 286 00:12:18,010 --> 00:12:19,630 - Oh, I'm happy, yeah. - Yeah...? 287 00:12:19,649 --> 00:12:21,803 - You're feeling excited? - Mm-hmm. 288 00:12:21,844 --> 00:12:23,486 - Worked up? - Yeah. 289 00:12:24,162 --> 00:12:25,129 Ready to cave? 290 00:12:25,148 --> 00:12:27,301 - Oh, I've never been stronger. - Oh, yeah? 291 00:12:27,517 --> 00:12:30,370 So if I just read you a description of... 292 00:12:30,868 --> 00:12:32,883 Like, what a Piston does, you know, 293 00:12:32,908 --> 00:12:35,135 on my phone, it wouldn't affect you at all? 294 00:12:35,168 --> 00:12:36,762 Is that what you're saying? 295 00:12:37,063 --> 00:12:39,192 It's just a rod 296 00:12:39,219 --> 00:12:42,812 that transfers, uh, force 297 00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,322 from the crank shaft... 298 00:12:44,335 --> 00:12:47,168 What is this, a seduction class for kindergarteners? 299 00:12:47,802 --> 00:12:49,649 Watch the master work. 300 00:12:51,829 --> 00:12:54,274 Ooh. 301 00:12:56,332 --> 00:12:58,068 How about this? 302 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,158 A little Paula Abdul stuff. 303 00:13:06,738 --> 00:13:08,071 Oh. 304 00:13:10,061 --> 00:13:11,192 Yeah. 305 00:13:11,226 --> 00:13:12,935 Are we doing this? 306 00:13:12,969 --> 00:13:13,943 - Ha! - What are you doing? 307 00:13:13,962 --> 00:13:16,882 Ball's in my court now, pal. 308 00:13:17,961 --> 00:13:21,425 I'm turning off my tap until you become a Pistons fan. 309 00:13:21,445 --> 00:13:23,698 - Hey, that wasn't part of the deal. - It is now. 310 00:13:23,725 --> 00:13:24,966 Mmm. 311 00:13:32,454 --> 00:13:34,867 I can't figure out my counterstrike, Winston. 312 00:13:34,894 --> 00:13:37,661 The only thing we know about Ed is that he's old and cranky, 313 00:13:37,693 --> 00:13:40,482 and he baffles me because I'm so darn young and pleasant. 314 00:13:40,494 --> 00:13:43,809 We just got to get inside into his old, cranky mind. 315 00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:45,812 We have to find an older, crankier mind. 316 00:13:45,822 --> 00:13:47,709 How are we gonna find an older, crankier mind than Ed? 317 00:13:47,730 --> 00:13:50,577 Hey, where are you guys getting your photos developed these days? 318 00:13:50,809 --> 00:13:54,456 I got these beefcake selfies that I want to dangle in front of Jess, 319 00:13:54,482 --> 00:13:55,983 get her engine revved up. 320 00:13:56,254 --> 00:14:00,667 - Your phone has a camera, Nick. - These are sexy, sensual, private pics. 321 00:14:00,686 --> 00:14:03,521 I don't want them beamed right into Snowden's pocket. 322 00:14:03,703 --> 00:14:07,003 I'm not going through Wikileaks, man. It's not for me. Analog. 323 00:14:07,026 --> 00:14:08,233 It's the only thing you can trust. 324 00:14:08,252 --> 00:14:10,881 You care to elaborate, you know, on this whole analog thing? 325 00:14:10,887 --> 00:14:13,681 No, here's the reality, you never know what's gonna happen with a phone. 326 00:14:13,717 --> 00:14:16,340 - Right. - The hinges that hold the flip together, 327 00:14:16,373 --> 00:14:18,566 they get loosened over time when-when they get wet. 328 00:14:18,580 --> 00:14:20,210 And then once you open it, it's easier for people 329 00:14:20,223 --> 00:14:23,569 to go in there and see your passwords and, you know, see your codes. 330 00:14:23,592 --> 00:14:26,465 Once the screen breaks, your information's in the Twitterverse, man. 331 00:14:26,479 --> 00:14:28,127 And it's all out there for everyone to see, 332 00:14:28,153 --> 00:14:30,251 all these little monkey elves, man, all these kids. 333 00:14:30,268 --> 00:14:32,688 That's all they do. Get your information, man. 334 00:14:32,712 --> 00:14:35,246 Bottom line is you can't control your technology. 335 00:14:35,313 --> 00:14:37,486 That's what's going on in Japan with all those robots. 336 00:14:37,504 --> 00:14:40,171 Not for me, man. That's why I trust a hard copy. 337 00:14:40,191 --> 00:14:42,602 - Plain and simple. - Hard copy, Schmidt. 338 00:14:42,626 --> 00:14:43,777 - Nice work. - Thank you. 339 00:14:43,803 --> 00:14:47,123 And, Nick, you know, if you're gonna be taking boudoir shots, please consult me. 340 00:14:47,145 --> 00:14:48,981 - I know. - I have a series of poses 341 00:14:49,001 --> 00:14:51,337 that many people, including myself, find very sexy. 342 00:14:51,347 --> 00:14:54,002 - Alright. - Okay, here's one that I call the half Nelson. 343 00:14:54,564 --> 00:14:57,246 - Yeah, I didn't do that. - This is called a Guy Fieri. 344 00:14:57,547 --> 00:14:59,080 - Just taste the sauces. - Yeah. 345 00:14:59,093 --> 00:15:00,573 Black licorice. 346 00:15:00,615 --> 00:15:01,765 Ooh. 347 00:15:01,982 --> 00:15:03,687 - Yeah. - You're welcome. 348 00:15:05,413 --> 00:15:06,746 - Schmidt's dead wrong. - Oh, yeah? 349 00:15:06,764 --> 00:15:08,412 I got some real hot pics in here. 350 00:15:08,437 --> 00:15:10,275 - I don't care. - There's one of me as a sexy mayor, 351 00:15:10,288 --> 00:15:13,089 looking out the window, deciding the future of my city. 352 00:15:13,109 --> 00:15:14,803 It's got to get her going. 353 00:15:14,828 --> 00:15:16,828 Daddy needs his cookie. 354 00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:19,716 Dude, just wear the damn Pistons jersey. 355 00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:21,690 Oh, my God, I've got to end this. 356 00:15:23,273 --> 00:15:25,593 What time is it?! 357 00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:27,466 Game time! 358 00:15:27,479 --> 00:15:29,628 - Yeah! - Yeah! 359 00:15:29,661 --> 00:15:31,541 It's my favorite time. 360 00:15:31,554 --> 00:15:33,541 Other than... medieval time. 361 00:15:33,771 --> 00:15:35,171 All right. 362 00:15:35,230 --> 00:15:36,330 Huh? 363 00:15:36,348 --> 00:15:37,415 - What the...? - What the...? 364 00:15:37,421 --> 00:15:40,184 - Let me see what's... - Wait, no, I'll do it. It's okay. 365 00:15:42,116 --> 00:15:44,919 No! Oh, my God, a mouse... 366 00:15:45,367 --> 00:15:48,020 Rat or s... Uh, some creature. 367 00:15:48,379 --> 00:15:51,506 - I got to go watch it in my room. - Wait, no, no, no. Coach, Coach, Coach. 368 00:15:51,522 --> 00:15:54,270 Look, since we can't watch the game, why don't we just... 369 00:15:54,290 --> 00:15:56,537 - Have a nice, long chat over coffee? - What? 370 00:15:56,557 --> 00:15:59,091 - You know, just talk, hang out. - What...? 371 00:15:59,104 --> 00:16:01,716 And then coffee turns to dinner, and dinner turns to weekly dinner, 372 00:16:01,729 --> 00:16:04,714 and before you know it, I'm best man at your beach wedding. 373 00:16:05,118 --> 00:16:06,591 Do we have to? 374 00:16:08,158 --> 00:16:10,163 We don't... okay. 375 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,653 - You start. - Me? 376 00:16:19,810 --> 00:16:22,406 Hey, you want to do this over food? 377 00:16:22,445 --> 00:16:23,899 Yes! Yes! 378 00:16:23,918 --> 00:16:26,720 No! No, no, no, no! 379 00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:28,670 No! Come on! 380 00:16:28,683 --> 00:16:31,492 Get your head out of your ass, so you can see where you're going, damn it! 381 00:16:32,178 --> 00:16:32,858 Okay. 382 00:16:32,893 --> 00:16:34,367 - What? - I have to say it. 383 00:16:34,387 --> 00:16:36,006 Coach, I... 384 00:16:36,660 --> 00:16:38,840 I don't like basketball. 385 00:16:38,860 --> 00:16:41,618 - What? - There's, like, no fun parts. 386 00:16:41,806 --> 00:16:43,293 There's no themes. 387 00:16:43,311 --> 00:16:46,178 Men should not be wearing tank tops, ever. 388 00:16:46,319 --> 00:16:48,320 Why were you pretending to like basketball? 389 00:16:48,346 --> 00:16:49,966 'Cause I wanted to be friends with you. 390 00:16:49,972 --> 00:16:53,742 Dude, you're my buddy's girlfriend. We're watching the game. 391 00:16:53,768 --> 00:16:55,688 What's the problem, dude? What else do you want? 392 00:16:55,708 --> 00:16:59,936 No, you're right. I'm just, um... I'm just Nick's girlfriend, so... 393 00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:03,370 - Enjoy the game. Okay. - Where are you going? 394 00:17:03,394 --> 00:17:04,861 I'm just, um... 395 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,381 - Jess... - Where... 396 00:17:08,863 --> 00:17:10,018 Jess! 397 00:17:10,082 --> 00:17:12,555 Ladies, you all look like a hundred bucks. 398 00:17:13,013 --> 00:17:16,283 I hope someone's taking you out for oysters Rockefeller tonight. 399 00:17:16,303 --> 00:17:17,436 Now, before I begin, 400 00:17:17,448 --> 00:17:20,725 my little helper here will distribute some handouts for your reference. 401 00:17:20,745 --> 00:17:22,598 Uh, you know what, Ed? I'm really sorry. 402 00:17:22,621 --> 00:17:24,934 Company printers are on the Fritz, so... 403 00:17:24,947 --> 00:17:28,930 Little helper that I am, I decided to load everything up onto the laptop. 404 00:17:32,626 --> 00:17:33,919 There you go. 405 00:17:36,733 --> 00:17:39,909 Well, I'm sure there's a printer that works. 406 00:17:40,447 --> 00:17:43,283 - I'll just wait for the hard copies. - I broke all the printers. 407 00:17:43,303 --> 00:17:45,856 I'm gonna beat you with an orange in a sock. 408 00:17:45,869 --> 00:17:48,479 Besides, we're talking about technology, aren't we? 409 00:17:48,498 --> 00:17:51,413 Be a little silly to talk about technology without using technology. 410 00:17:51,433 --> 00:17:53,571 - Am I right, Kim? - Use the technology, Ed. 411 00:17:57,405 --> 00:17:59,529 Hup-I-dip-I-dip... 412 00:18:02,050 --> 00:18:03,317 Oh... 413 00:18:03,777 --> 00:18:05,084 My left arm. 414 00:18:05,389 --> 00:18:06,629 My neck. 415 00:18:07,775 --> 00:18:11,175 You got me this time, Hebrew. But I'll be back. 416 00:18:12,095 --> 00:18:15,042 This is why the cutoff's at 45, ladies. 417 00:18:18,579 --> 00:18:20,508 Oh, okay. Okay. 418 00:18:23,167 --> 00:18:26,747 Jess! You win! I'm all backed up! 419 00:18:26,768 --> 00:18:29,490 I've even been fantasizing about Winston! 420 00:18:30,315 --> 00:18:32,288 Where is she, dude? 421 00:18:32,677 --> 00:18:34,094 Don't do that laugh. 422 00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:38,339 - What are you wearing, dude? - It's for sex. 423 00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:40,090 You like the Pistons. 424 00:18:40,108 --> 00:18:42,521 Why don't you shut up, Coach? 425 00:18:42,947 --> 00:18:45,534 - Where's Jess? - What is up with that girl, dude? 426 00:18:45,540 --> 00:18:47,546 One minute we're watching the game, the next she's, like, 427 00:18:47,565 --> 00:18:49,425 calling me a jerk and storming out of the place. 428 00:18:49,451 --> 00:18:52,444 She just wants to be your friend. Any idiot can see that. 429 00:18:52,467 --> 00:18:55,127 We were being friends. We were watching the game together. 430 00:18:55,141 --> 00:18:57,578 - It was an awesome game. - Okay, maybe she wants more than that. 431 00:18:57,605 --> 00:18:58,858 Like what? 432 00:18:58,953 --> 00:19:00,546 - You want to know a trick? - Absolutely. 433 00:19:00,561 --> 00:19:01,974 This is how you get in with Jess. 434 00:19:02,006 --> 00:19:05,386 You know when you're driving in your car and you have a random thought, like... 435 00:19:05,548 --> 00:19:07,632 "I wonder if seals are friends." 436 00:19:07,736 --> 00:19:09,320 Yeah, or like... 437 00:19:09,504 --> 00:19:11,719 "I really want to text right now, but there's a cop behind me." 438 00:19:11,737 --> 00:19:14,767 - That's not the one I mean. - "Why do T-Rex have little arms?" 439 00:19:14,792 --> 00:19:16,328 Don't finish. Don't f... I know you, don't... 440 00:19:16,365 --> 00:19:18,492 "If they get an itch in their crotch, how do they scratch it?" 441 00:19:18,511 --> 00:19:20,861 I mean more like sweet, kind of emotional stuff. 442 00:19:20,882 --> 00:19:24,111 Like, if you combed, you know, like, a gorilla's hair, would it like it? 443 00:19:24,158 --> 00:19:26,391 Like... I've never seen a baby pigeon before. 444 00:19:26,407 --> 00:19:27,657 Exactly! 445 00:19:27,675 --> 00:19:30,474 Tell that to her and you get a friend for life. 446 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,114 Now, excuse me. Sex awaits. 447 00:19:34,489 --> 00:19:38,392 Hey, Jess! You win! I want to take you! 448 00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:40,110 Respectfully! 449 00:19:46,893 --> 00:19:48,859 - Come here. - Take that Jersey off. 450 00:19:48,892 --> 00:19:50,520 Actually, leave it on. 451 00:19:54,078 --> 00:19:55,308 Oh! 452 00:19:55,982 --> 00:19:57,337 - To Winston. - Hear, hear. 453 00:19:57,356 --> 00:20:00,232 As a thank-you, I'd like... I'd like to get you a job at Ass-Strat. 454 00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:01,969 I'll make you a real Ass man. 455 00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:03,310 Mmm... 456 00:20:03,331 --> 00:20:04,771 I don't know, man. 457 00:20:04,930 --> 00:20:07,506 I kind of liked the part where we just get to analyze evidence, you know. 458 00:20:07,513 --> 00:20:11,002 Connect the dots a little bit, yeah. Live inside of someone else's mind. 459 00:20:11,022 --> 00:20:13,594 - Spoken like a true marketing analyst. - I don't know. 460 00:20:13,624 --> 00:20:15,628 You know, I kind of want to be free of a desk as well. 461 00:20:15,655 --> 00:20:17,087 Well... roam the streets a little bit. 462 00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:19,163 Just sniff out clues. Let me ask you something. 463 00:20:19,184 --> 00:20:22,483 - You guys get donuts in the morning? - You ever thought of being a cop? 464 00:20:22,839 --> 00:20:25,199 - Winston, I think you'd be great. - I can see it. 465 00:20:25,205 --> 00:20:27,578 You know, it's funny. I was thinking the exact same thing. 466 00:20:27,597 --> 00:20:30,064 You've already got high cholesterol and weird people skills. 467 00:20:30,100 --> 00:20:32,413 - "Officer Bishop." - I like the way that sounds. 468 00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:35,130 It would be nice to retroactively justify that mustache. 469 00:20:35,156 --> 00:20:37,016 It's a hell of a mustache. 470 00:20:38,777 --> 00:20:40,497 What does that mean? That was from a movie. 471 00:20:40,517 --> 00:20:42,410 - Training Day's my favorite movie. - I understand that, 472 00:20:42,429 --> 00:20:44,145 but you understand that's not what being a cop is. 473 00:20:44,158 --> 00:20:46,004 I want to drop fools! Huh? That's what you're telling me? 474 00:20:46,024 --> 00:20:47,828 If you think this means you can start yelling at me... 475 00:20:47,849 --> 00:20:49,902 You damn right, sucker! That's what that means. 476 00:20:50,002 --> 00:20:51,651 Oh, I apologize about that. 477 00:20:52,471 --> 00:20:53,298 Jess? 478 00:20:53,977 --> 00:20:56,179 ♪ Jessica Day-hey-ey. 479 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:59,758 I just want to say that, um, I would love to be your friend. 480 00:20:59,781 --> 00:21:01,874 Look, I know I'm crazy about the Pistons, 481 00:21:01,919 --> 00:21:05,552 but it's just because Detroit was the city I lived in the longest as a kid. 482 00:21:05,571 --> 00:21:08,554 - Yes. - I lived in, like, six different states by the time I was ten. 483 00:21:08,574 --> 00:21:11,882 At a certain point, I just... Stopped trying to make friends. 484 00:21:11,951 --> 00:21:13,520 Ah! 485 00:21:15,079 --> 00:21:16,695 Got real comfy on that. 486 00:21:17,364 --> 00:21:18,191 Really? 487 00:21:18,213 --> 00:21:21,720 Lot easier saying bye to your buddy's girlfriend than it is your friend. 488 00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:26,028 Well, I'm not gonna be saying good-bye to you anytime soon. 489 00:21:26,836 --> 00:21:28,722 - Except for right now. - Oh. 490 00:21:29,425 --> 00:21:31,017 You want to do a butt bump? 491 00:21:31,773 --> 00:21:32,800 Butt... 492 00:21:32,823 --> 00:21:35,019 Ah, you're probably doing your own butt bumps. 493 00:21:35,042 --> 00:21:37,919 Cool. I know you guys are already done. 494 00:21:37,965 --> 00:21:42,965 Synced by dcdah & Reef www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther