1 00:00:00,999 --> 00:00:01,966 Hey, guys. 2 00:00:01,985 --> 00:00:04,679 Bertie's playing it cool, but you guys coming over for dinner tonight 3 00:00:04,706 --> 00:00:07,647 is a really big deal to her, so... 4 00:00:07,665 --> 00:00:09,521 Be there by 6, and no bailing. 5 00:00:09,539 --> 00:00:12,359 Ooh, bailing on dinner. Nick, I need you. 6 00:00:12,377 --> 00:00:14,690 Wingman sitch. Jewish girl, sensible nose. 7 00:00:14,696 --> 00:00:16,784 - High-level target. - I can't be your wingman. 8 00:00:16,810 --> 00:00:19,891 - We got to go this Bertie dinner. - Don't make it seem like a chore, okay? 9 00:00:19,911 --> 00:00:23,473 She is making ten or eleven soups. And all of them are cream-based. 10 00:00:23,495 --> 00:00:24,849 - Cool. - (Coach grunts) 11 00:00:25,771 --> 00:00:28,135 - Hey, Mom. - Hi, baby, I'm sorry to interrupt. 12 00:00:28,154 --> 00:00:31,240 I know the morning is the most sensual time of day. 13 00:00:31,267 --> 00:00:32,820 But, um, I need you. It's your sister. 14 00:00:32,848 --> 00:00:34,968 Abby? What is it? 15 00:00:34,981 --> 00:00:37,803 She was arrested at a hotel in San Diego. 16 00:00:37,809 --> 00:00:39,243 How's everything with your sister? 17 00:00:39,263 --> 00:00:41,789 I mean, she was caught stealing, they called the cops, it's a mess. 18 00:00:41,805 --> 00:00:44,008 Imagine me next door with a, with a nice Jewish girl. 19 00:00:44,021 --> 00:00:45,721 - Hey, Jess has a sister? - Yeah, I've never met her. 20 00:00:45,738 --> 00:00:48,985 I need you to go to the jail, pick her up and put her on a plane home. 21 00:00:48,999 --> 00:00:51,132 - Oh, that's fabulous. - And by the way, um... 22 00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:54,225 I don't know what kind of jail this is. So be prepared for anything. 23 00:00:54,242 --> 00:00:55,902 I mean, wear a shirt you don't love-love. 24 00:00:55,912 --> 00:00:57,512 - Okay. - Love you. 25 00:00:57,532 --> 00:00:58,919 Hi Nick... (door slams closed) 26 00:00:58,942 --> 00:01:02,406 Okay, here, these are all the ladles that I could find. 27 00:01:02,435 --> 00:01:05,028 Ooh, this one is deep. 28 00:01:05,051 --> 00:01:06,664 So, what's up with your sister? 29 00:01:06,672 --> 00:01:08,766 Well, she's coming to town. 30 00:01:08,792 --> 00:01:11,479 - Great! - Ooh, yikes, that's... - The best news ever? I know! 31 00:01:11,499 --> 00:01:15,926 It's so, so, so, so, so, so, 32 00:01:15,952 --> 00:01:17,259 so good. 33 00:01:18,086 --> 00:01:19,466 ♪ Who's that girl? 34 00:01:19,492 --> 00:01:21,254 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. 35 00:01:21,278 --> 00:01:22,478 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 36 00:01:22,584 --> 00:01:25,483 Well, I can't wait to meet the mysterious Abby Day. 37 00:01:25,496 --> 00:01:26,803 Not mysterious. 38 00:01:27,673 --> 00:01:31,549 - Jet setter. - You know, I always imagined her with a French-speaking black husband, 39 00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:33,439 like a Jerome St. Pierre. 40 00:01:33,456 --> 00:01:34,936 So, I'll probably meet her at the airport 41 00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:36,841 - for a little layover hang. - Why are you ignoring me, Nick? 42 00:01:36,855 --> 00:01:39,742 - 'Cause I'm paying attention to my girlfriend. - Nick! There, a reaction! 43 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,780 Thank goodness! Now I know I'm not a ghost. 44 00:01:41,793 --> 00:01:43,426 - All right, I got to go. - Oh, you're going...? 45 00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:45,260 I'll, uh, I-I got to go. 46 00:01:45,284 --> 00:01:47,643 Hey, hey, hey, hey, Jess, Jess! What if I came with? 47 00:01:47,657 --> 00:01:48,990 Yeah, you know, I don't think 48 00:01:49,016 --> 00:01:50,943 - you two would really get along. - Why not? 49 00:01:50,956 --> 00:01:52,912 Look, I just haven't seen her in a really long time, and... 50 00:01:52,933 --> 00:01:54,603 Jess, I'd like to meet your sister. 51 00:01:56,472 --> 00:01:58,768 Why don't we do this? Um... Why don't I go pick her up? 52 00:01:58,788 --> 00:02:02,326 And then come meet us for a quick dinner before she leaves? 53 00:02:02,340 --> 00:02:04,714 - That would be awesome. That's all I was looking for. - Yeah. Okay. 54 00:02:04,727 --> 00:02:07,370 - Winston, we can't make your dinner! - Bye, Winston. I'm not gonna be with you. 55 00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:08,863 Wait! No, no, no, no! Wait... 56 00:02:10,485 --> 00:02:12,712 Hey, hey. Are you really letting Nick meet Abby? 57 00:02:12,738 --> 00:02:15,692 Hell no. I'm going to pick her up from jail. 58 00:02:15,711 --> 00:02:17,470 Like, straight-up jail. 59 00:02:17,497 --> 00:02:19,937 I told Nick he could meet her on her "layover" 60 00:02:19,961 --> 00:02:23,321 but, whoops, her flight got changed. No time. Sorry. 61 00:02:23,340 --> 00:02:25,660 - Bye, Nick! I'll see you later! - I'm out of shampoo! 62 00:02:25,673 --> 00:02:28,183 Gonna use bar soap! But your sister won't know the difference! 63 00:02:28,202 --> 00:02:30,390 Okay! Can't wait for you to meet her! 64 00:02:30,409 --> 00:02:32,232 (whispers): He's never going to meet her. 65 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,892 Hey, dude. I can't go to this dinner. It's a double date now. 66 00:02:36,918 --> 00:02:38,594 Things are already weird enough between me and Cece. 67 00:02:38,614 --> 00:02:41,754 Because you went on a date two months ago and she never texted you? 68 00:02:41,773 --> 00:02:42,565 Yeah. 69 00:02:44,454 --> 00:02:46,214 - Be a man, Coach! - All right. 70 00:02:46,237 --> 00:02:49,244 Be there by 6:00 and bring a bottle of wine. 71 00:02:49,486 --> 00:02:52,229 And don't be cheap, either. Bertie is a Somalian. 72 00:02:52,997 --> 00:02:54,076 Okay. 73 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,194 Oh, tidings, Abigail. 74 00:02:57,217 --> 00:02:59,625 I'm Jess's beau. My name is Nicholas. 75 00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:01,544 - It's a pleasure to... - Oh, good God. 76 00:03:01,561 --> 00:03:03,288 - Is that a common barber's comb? - Look, Schmidt, 77 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:05,316 I just want to make a good impression on Jess's sister. 78 00:03:05,333 --> 00:03:07,160 Yeah, well, I want Julia Child not to be dead, 79 00:03:07,173 --> 00:03:08,686 but here we find ourselves. 80 00:03:08,719 --> 00:03:10,502 What did you come here to talk to me about? 81 00:03:10,522 --> 00:03:13,731 As I was saying earlier, I have a very difficult flirting situation here. 82 00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:15,911 I mean, it's a double black diamond: Trees, moguls. 83 00:03:15,924 --> 00:03:18,338 And, as we both know, you're the best wingman who's ever wung. 84 00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:19,907 Nick: Thank you, Schmidt! 85 00:03:19,927 --> 00:03:21,667 I'm almost glad I got in the accident 86 00:03:21,681 --> 00:03:23,442 so we can have more days like this together, 87 00:03:23,462 --> 00:03:25,185 with you helping me through this. 88 00:03:25,211 --> 00:03:28,242 How could a guy so rich be so generous with his time? 89 00:03:28,274 --> 00:03:29,001 Whoa... 90 00:03:29,013 --> 00:03:31,206 Excuse me. Are you the writer of 91 00:03:31,225 --> 00:03:34,148 So You've Mastered the Female Orgasm, Now What? 92 00:03:34,174 --> 00:03:35,954 - Incredible. Can I have your autograph? - Of course. 93 00:03:35,981 --> 00:03:37,065 Come on, man. It's a quick party. 94 00:03:37,078 --> 00:03:38,990 - I'll have you back by your little dinner. - Okay, I'll do it, 95 00:03:39,016 --> 00:03:41,201 but as soon as Jess says I've got to go, I'm out. 96 00:03:41,214 --> 00:03:44,554 Thank you very much. For your mitigated support and tiny portion of your life. 97 00:03:44,570 --> 00:03:45,940 - Sure. - (chuckles) Okay. 98 00:03:47,774 --> 00:03:48,641 Hey, Abby. 99 00:03:48,661 --> 00:03:51,448 Oh, look who came to pick up her big, bad sister. 100 00:03:51,474 --> 00:03:54,387 So, you good to go? Or you gotta sign yearbooks or something? 101 00:03:54,416 --> 00:03:55,754 (lock buzzes, door rattles) 102 00:03:56,142 --> 00:03:57,615 Bridget stole your gum. 103 00:03:57,634 --> 00:04:00,327 What? You took my Fruity Fruit? 104 00:04:00,334 --> 00:04:02,733 I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, bitch! 105 00:04:02,890 --> 00:04:04,277 - Oh, my God. Oh... - Gum? 106 00:04:04,437 --> 00:04:05,957 (grunting) 107 00:04:05,997 --> 00:04:07,603 I want my Fruity Fruit! 108 00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:10,038 I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, bitch! 109 00:04:12,061 --> 00:04:14,061 What about the new guy? I want to meet him. 110 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,040 We don't really have time to meet him 'cause I have to take you 111 00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:18,460 to the airport 'cause Mom's already bought you a ticket. 112 00:04:18,479 --> 00:04:20,380 I know all of her credit card information, 113 00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:22,175 - No. - and I can just change it. 114 00:04:22,201 --> 00:04:23,834 - Wait, what are you doing? Wait, no. - Sweet. 115 00:04:23,844 --> 00:04:26,724 Why don't you just for once in your life do something 116 00:04:26,731 --> 00:04:27,771 that you're not supposed to do? 117 00:04:27,787 --> 00:04:30,240 I didn't put the cap back on the honey bear the other day. 118 00:04:30,267 --> 00:04:32,868 - Drive. Drive. Drive. - Oh, my God. No! No! 119 00:04:32,888 --> 00:04:35,241 - No! No! I will not drive unsafely! - Try-try it! 120 00:04:35,261 --> 00:04:37,905 I have a perfect record. Get your hands away from me. 121 00:04:39,257 --> 00:04:40,670 - Why don't you want me to meet him? - About. 122 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,790 - Are you embarrassed of me? - I do. No. 123 00:04:42,813 --> 00:04:45,500 - Great. 'Cause I just got on a later flight. - That's great. 124 00:04:45,514 --> 00:04:46,411 (chuckles) 125 00:04:46,444 --> 00:04:48,582 - So excited. - I know. 126 00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:51,061 Did you just start driving really slow? 127 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:53,720 No, I actually think I'm speeding. I hope there's no coppers around. 128 00:04:53,746 --> 00:04:54,959 (siren whoops) 129 00:04:54,984 --> 00:04:56,810 Drive faster. 130 00:04:56,824 --> 00:04:59,631 Sorry, sir! Thank you for your service! 131 00:05:01,991 --> 00:05:04,464 ♪ You're over my head, I'm outta my mind ♪ 132 00:05:04,484 --> 00:05:06,390 ♪ Thinking I was born in the wrong time... ♪ 133 00:05:06,420 --> 00:05:08,767 - What is this place? - It's a bar mitzvah. 134 00:05:08,779 --> 00:05:11,147 Nick: I am not watching a kid get circumcised. 135 00:05:11,173 --> 00:05:13,668 The target is Rachael. She's a Hebrew school teacher. 136 00:05:13,674 --> 00:05:16,798 Crashing some random kid's bar mitzvah's the best way to get her? 137 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,504 Get her on the dance floor, a little bit softer now, 138 00:05:19,530 --> 00:05:22,586 a little bit louder now, sweep her off her feet, 139 00:05:22,599 --> 00:05:24,286 we'll get married, we'll have a son named Elon. 140 00:05:24,309 --> 00:05:26,202 At his bar mitzvah, I tell the story of how I met his mom 141 00:05:26,212 --> 00:05:28,667 at this bar mitzvah. Not a dry eye in the house. 142 00:05:28,701 --> 00:05:30,701 Jewish continuity, et cetera, et cetera. 143 00:05:30,722 --> 00:05:33,055 Do you realize how long you were just talking? 144 00:05:33,096 --> 00:05:34,736 There she is. Whew! 145 00:05:34,766 --> 00:05:37,393 - A beautiful piece of hamentaschen. - What the hell is hamentaschen? 146 00:05:37,412 --> 00:05:39,725 Problem is her dad is my rabbi. 147 00:05:39,909 --> 00:05:42,409 He hates me. So I just need to charm Rachael 148 00:05:42,433 --> 00:05:45,091 before he gets to her and tells her horrible-slash-true things about me. 149 00:05:45,116 --> 00:05:46,936 - Absolutely. - Oh! Hello! 150 00:05:46,969 --> 00:05:48,263 - What a day. - Oh... 151 00:05:48,282 --> 00:05:51,484 a special day. Oh, take my hand. 152 00:05:51,505 --> 00:05:54,332 - Take your hand. - A special day. 153 00:05:54,351 --> 00:05:56,725 You just wanted to take my hand so you could say that again, didn't you? 154 00:05:56,745 --> 00:05:57,991 Mmm, I did. 155 00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,280 I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting. 156 00:06:01,129 --> 00:06:02,936 May I take your hand, too? 157 00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:04,882 You can take anything you want, Shirley. 158 00:06:06,799 --> 00:06:08,438 So, yeah, just the... 159 00:06:08,799 --> 00:06:11,624 just the two of us with Bertie and Winston tonight? 160 00:06:11,649 --> 00:06:15,045 Yeah, just, uh... just-just you and me. 161 00:06:15,072 --> 00:06:17,592 Uh, and Bertie. And Winston. 162 00:06:17,613 --> 00:06:20,572 - Just... eating night lunch. - Yeah, like a... 163 00:06:20,585 --> 00:06:22,843 you know, like a date. But not a date 'cause... 164 00:06:22,866 --> 00:06:24,221 - Yeah. - Yeah. 165 00:06:25,562 --> 00:06:26,791 So, uh... 166 00:06:27,279 --> 00:06:29,121 What is that? Is that a onesie? 167 00:06:29,146 --> 00:06:30,446 - (chuckles) - Yeah. 168 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,493 How do you... how do you take it off to use the bathroom? 169 00:06:32,515 --> 00:06:33,695 Mmm... 170 00:06:36,379 --> 00:06:38,172 Whoa. Nice place. 171 00:06:38,192 --> 00:06:40,132 - Oh, my God! - Hey! 172 00:06:40,158 --> 00:06:44,382 - You look, you know, amazing. - You look amazing. Look at you. 173 00:06:44,401 --> 00:06:47,660 Oh, my God. I'm so happy you're not just paper-thin anymore. 174 00:06:47,683 --> 00:06:50,081 Oh, my God. You're just the best. 175 00:06:51,089 --> 00:06:53,389 Hello, Hot Cocoa. Whoa. 176 00:06:53,409 --> 00:06:54,960 What's going on here? 177 00:06:54,985 --> 00:06:57,478 - Nothing. - I'm getting a real vibe. 178 00:06:57,505 --> 00:06:58,768 - No. - Mmm, 179 00:06:58,795 --> 00:07:03,123 you want to have sex with her, you... 180 00:07:03,605 --> 00:07:05,725 - are not so sure. - (Coach and Cece chuckle) 181 00:07:05,909 --> 00:07:08,319 If she doesn't want to put out, I will. 182 00:07:08,342 --> 00:07:10,975 - ♪ Abby Day ♪ - There you go. 183 00:07:10,994 --> 00:07:13,775 ♪ Abby Day, she always says ♪ 184 00:07:13,785 --> 00:07:15,545 ♪ The most inappropriate stuff. ♪ 185 00:07:15,571 --> 00:07:17,660 You a cappella sing at me one more time, 186 00:07:17,672 --> 00:07:19,745 I'll rip that stupid little dress off you 187 00:07:19,785 --> 00:07:22,966 - and shove it down your mouth. - Okay, I'm scared of you. 188 00:07:22,979 --> 00:07:25,232 ♪ Let's go in my room... ♪ Don't hurt me. 189 00:07:25,252 --> 00:07:26,922 Please don't hurt me. 190 00:07:27,539 --> 00:07:29,772 - Damn it. She hasn't called. - Will you put please that away? 191 00:07:29,785 --> 00:07:30,872 We're 30 seconds to curtain here. 192 00:07:30,878 --> 00:07:32,485 I don't want to miss a call from Jess, man. 193 00:07:32,498 --> 00:07:34,252 I need you focused. Are you ready? 194 00:07:34,275 --> 00:07:37,115 Yes. I distract the rabbi while you hit on his daughter. 195 00:07:37,135 --> 00:07:38,415 And action. Go. 196 00:07:40,512 --> 00:07:42,245 Ugh. What a spread, huh? 197 00:07:42,265 --> 00:07:43,385 - Terrible. - I agree. 198 00:07:43,405 --> 00:07:45,095 Thank God I have pizza in my car. 199 00:07:45,129 --> 00:07:46,276 (laughs) 200 00:07:46,301 --> 00:07:47,954 Yeah, that's very funny. 201 00:07:47,976 --> 00:07:49,549 What's the matter with you? That wasn't a joke. 202 00:07:49,555 --> 00:07:52,018 - Who has pizza in their car? - Listen, when I make a joke, 203 00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:53,865 you'll know it. I'm a joke machine. 204 00:07:53,885 --> 00:07:55,879 What are the chances? I love jokes! 205 00:07:55,898 --> 00:07:58,125 Oh, good, okay. 206 00:07:58,162 --> 00:08:01,277 Uh... Oh, did you hear the one about the waiter? 207 00:08:01,290 --> 00:08:04,483 - No. - Walks up to a table full of Jewish women and says, 208 00:08:04,503 --> 00:08:06,931 "Ladies, is anything all right?" 209 00:08:06,959 --> 00:08:10,299 (both laugh) 210 00:08:11,839 --> 00:08:12,932 Hi. 211 00:08:13,109 --> 00:08:14,487 Rack-hael! 212 00:08:14,925 --> 00:08:16,399 Baruch ata Ado, nice dress. 213 00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:18,628 Oh, thank you! 214 00:08:18,656 --> 00:08:22,310 - Uh, Shabbat sha-hello. - (laughs) Yeah. 215 00:08:22,555 --> 00:08:24,315 It wasn't as good as mine, but it was cute. 216 00:08:24,340 --> 00:08:26,060 Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. 217 00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:27,799 - How's Hebrew school? - It's fine. It's the only place 218 00:08:27,812 --> 00:08:29,852 that would hire me after I got out of rehab. 219 00:08:30,716 --> 00:08:34,614 - Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it. - 'Cause they're rich people. 220 00:08:34,633 --> 00:08:36,809 Yeah, they... well, these particular Jews happen 221 00:08:36,828 --> 00:08:39,196 - to be rich, but they worked hard. - I'm sorry. Hold on... 222 00:08:39,215 --> 00:08:41,340 - Telephone call in the middle of a punch line? - Hey. 223 00:08:41,352 --> 00:08:43,305 - Generation's the worst! - Hey, what's going on? 224 00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:46,122 So Abby's flight is crazy delayed. 225 00:08:46,153 --> 00:08:48,644 Um, so, no time for dinner. 226 00:08:48,657 --> 00:08:50,111 I can come right now, Jess. 227 00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:53,921 No. Um, she has, um, a conference call with Hong Kong about a... 228 00:08:53,939 --> 00:08:58,479 very important, uh... fashion business, uh, venture magazine... 229 00:08:58,875 --> 00:09:00,137 conference. 230 00:09:00,839 --> 00:09:02,560 Well, maybe I'll see her next time. 231 00:09:04,259 --> 00:09:06,745 Oh, no, no, no, no! 232 00:09:07,124 --> 00:09:09,385 You will not speak to my daughter! 233 00:09:09,406 --> 00:09:11,619 Rachael, this man is a nut ball! 234 00:09:11,626 --> 00:09:14,719 A nut ball? How dare you! I'm a goof ball. 235 00:09:14,732 --> 00:09:17,066 Sammy Davis, Jr. was a goof ball. 236 00:09:17,079 --> 00:09:20,010 You, sir, are no Sammy Davis, Jr. 237 00:09:20,023 --> 00:09:22,443 - I'm a... I'm a goof ball. I am a goofball. - You're bad news. Bad news. 238 00:09:22,456 --> 00:09:26,102 Daddy, I love sex, and he wants to have sex with me. 239 00:09:26,119 --> 00:09:28,659 Let him! Oh, I love sex! 240 00:09:28,679 --> 00:09:30,772 (whispering): Text me. Text me. 241 00:09:33,732 --> 00:09:36,565 - What was that, man? - Jess is embarrassed of me. 242 00:09:36,588 --> 00:09:38,835 - Can you believe that? - What a shanda. 243 00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:41,070 - What's a shanda? - A shanda! 244 00:09:41,773 --> 00:09:43,473 What a shanda! 245 00:09:43,579 --> 00:09:46,426 All you care about is Jess. Remember when we used to be best friends? 246 00:09:46,439 --> 00:09:48,004 Uh, that was neat. 247 00:09:48,025 --> 00:09:50,033 What a neat time in my life that was. 248 00:09:51,376 --> 00:09:53,049 Hey, Schmidt! 249 00:09:53,076 --> 00:09:56,891 My girlfriend's embarrassed of me. Can we go on that for a little bit? 250 00:09:57,375 --> 00:10:00,910 Or does the wingman never get to, you know, flap his wings? 251 00:10:01,886 --> 00:10:05,389 The bird never gets to be the main bird. This. 252 00:10:07,179 --> 00:10:08,026 Jess: Ugh! 253 00:10:08,045 --> 00:10:10,118 So, I just talked to Nick, 254 00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:12,894 and this is a real shame in the pants, but 255 00:10:13,155 --> 00:10:14,862 - he's not coming home tonight. - What? Why? 256 00:10:14,887 --> 00:10:16,474 He had to hang out with his work friends. 257 00:10:16,492 --> 00:10:20,144 - He can't come and see me? - Guess it's just us till... the airport. 258 00:10:20,545 --> 00:10:21,738 Mmm. 259 00:10:24,092 --> 00:10:25,407 You see what you're doing, right? 260 00:10:25,429 --> 00:10:27,268 - (gasps) Oh, my God. - (laughs) 261 00:10:27,313 --> 00:10:29,755 I'm mom. (laughs) 262 00:10:29,772 --> 00:10:32,459 No! I'm turning into Mom. How did this happen? 263 00:10:32,472 --> 00:10:34,237 - "Just a little bit." - "Just a tipple." 264 00:10:34,264 --> 00:10:36,212 - "I don't want to get stoned." - Hey, I love that 265 00:10:36,225 --> 00:10:39,040 - she calls "getting drunk" "getting stoned." - (laughs) 266 00:10:39,156 --> 00:10:42,428 Oh, my God. Wait. Big news. Mom got one of those very, 267 00:10:42,453 --> 00:10:44,647 very small denim backpacks. 268 00:10:44,666 --> 00:10:46,753 - She did, and she calls it her blue guy. - What? 269 00:10:46,759 --> 00:10:49,575 She's, like, "Oh, I got to grab my blue guy." 270 00:10:49,599 --> 00:10:52,436 Can't believe you're making fun of Mom. You're her perfect little baby. 271 00:10:52,446 --> 00:10:54,098 I'm... Hey, I'm... 272 00:10:54,775 --> 00:10:56,495 I'm not really a baby. 273 00:10:56,522 --> 00:10:58,027 You're a super grownup. 274 00:10:58,419 --> 00:10:59,909 Thank you. 275 00:11:01,556 --> 00:11:02,629 Oh, my... 276 00:11:02,654 --> 00:11:03,794 (laughs) 277 00:11:03,814 --> 00:11:06,442 - What? - I have a picture of Mom wearing the backpack 278 00:11:06,455 --> 00:11:08,295 at her sign language class graduation. 279 00:11:08,316 --> 00:11:09,543 - Oh. - You have to see this. 280 00:11:09,562 --> 00:11:11,675 - No. - It's amazing. 281 00:11:11,959 --> 00:11:13,577 I have it in a photo album. 282 00:11:13,836 --> 00:11:16,636 (phone buzzing) 283 00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:28,751 Ooh, bonus shot of Dad getting a haircut while eating spaghetti! 284 00:11:29,048 --> 00:11:30,248 (laughs) 285 00:11:32,118 --> 00:11:33,558 Abby? 286 00:11:39,357 --> 00:11:41,353 Hey, Outside D, have you seen a girl 287 00:11:41,359 --> 00:11:43,337 that looks like me, but with chaos in her eyes? 288 00:11:43,351 --> 00:11:45,416 Sorry. I'm doing my taxes. 289 00:11:46,407 --> 00:11:49,799 Ooh! I'm taking in more than I'm spending. 290 00:11:49,818 --> 00:11:51,672 (ringtone plays) 291 00:11:51,829 --> 00:11:53,196 - Hey. - Hey. 292 00:11:53,218 --> 00:11:54,205 How's it going with Abby? 293 00:11:54,234 --> 00:11:56,361 Yeah, you know, we were having fun for once, and then... 294 00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:58,340 What happened? Tell me what happened. 295 00:11:58,357 --> 00:12:00,312 I will take care of it for you, baby. 296 00:12:04,308 --> 00:12:05,668 Baby? 297 00:12:06,224 --> 00:12:09,271 I got this. I got this myself. Thanks. 298 00:12:10,054 --> 00:12:11,314 Quick question. 299 00:12:11,341 --> 00:12:13,383 Is pee-pee a write-off? 300 00:12:17,708 --> 00:12:18,488 Hey. 301 00:12:18,508 --> 00:12:20,880 Not sure my body's built for these chairs. 302 00:12:22,668 --> 00:12:24,248 It's a regular chair, man. 303 00:12:24,261 --> 00:12:25,236 Yeah. 304 00:12:26,291 --> 00:12:27,651 Hey, bub. 305 00:12:27,657 --> 00:12:29,116 How you doing? 306 00:12:30,087 --> 00:12:32,034 Well, I want to apologize. 307 00:12:32,047 --> 00:12:33,840 Sorry I got distracted. 308 00:12:33,858 --> 00:12:35,355 It's okay. 309 00:12:35,631 --> 00:12:37,840 - I'm sorry your girlfriend hates you. - Ah, she doesn't hate me. 310 00:12:37,860 --> 00:12:39,708 She's just ashamed of me or something. 311 00:12:40,997 --> 00:12:43,744 Well, you know what? If she's really ashamed of you, then... 312 00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:46,472 - then she's the stupidest bitch in the whole wide world. - Easy. 313 00:12:46,491 --> 00:12:48,465 - Okay, slow down. - I apologize if I went overboard. 314 00:12:48,494 --> 00:12:50,232 - Water under the bridge. - I've never been ashamed. 315 00:12:50,251 --> 00:12:52,495 Wish I could have helped you get that girl, man. 316 00:12:52,777 --> 00:12:54,147 Feel like I blew it. 317 00:12:54,171 --> 00:12:55,844 Well, she was kind of nutty. 318 00:12:56,060 --> 00:12:57,510 What happened to us, man? 319 00:12:57,954 --> 00:13:00,790 - We used to be the best in the biz. - We still are. 320 00:13:01,270 --> 00:13:04,137 I'm the best wingman that's ever wung. 321 00:13:05,105 --> 00:13:06,712 - Make a plan? - Absolutely. 322 00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,807 ♪ I will... always love you... 323 00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:12,280 You're my brother. 324 00:13:14,274 --> 00:13:16,707 Thank you. Charge that to room 304. 325 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,208 Ah! You! Charge that to nothing. 326 00:13:19,234 --> 00:13:20,528 She's checking out. 327 00:13:20,563 --> 00:13:22,496 Adding this hotel to your rap sheets? 328 00:13:22,514 --> 00:13:23,754 - You found me. - Oh, yeah. 329 00:13:23,776 --> 00:13:25,216 Don't you want to know why I left? 330 00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:29,834 You saw my text, and I'm... I'm honestly sorry, but... 331 00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,093 you do ruin everything! 332 00:13:32,114 --> 00:13:34,527 Whoa. Thought I was gonna turn the tables with that one. 333 00:13:34,533 --> 00:13:36,558 Get your ass in the car. I'm taking you to the airport. 334 00:13:36,571 --> 00:13:37,945 Thought we could share some calamari. 335 00:13:37,972 --> 00:13:39,195 - Now! - Kobe beef sliders? 336 00:13:39,214 --> 00:13:40,734 - Now...! - Lobster quesadilla? 337 00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:41,988 Right now. 338 00:13:45,870 --> 00:13:47,218 (sighs) 339 00:13:51,717 --> 00:13:53,084 (slurping continues) 340 00:13:53,109 --> 00:13:54,616 This is a great... 341 00:13:54,863 --> 00:13:56,073 Mmm. 342 00:13:56,947 --> 00:13:58,407 (clicks spoon on bowl) 343 00:13:58,452 --> 00:14:00,823 You know, Bertie had a dream she killed me. (laughs) 344 00:14:02,870 --> 00:14:05,091 - So, uh, Coach, what's new? - Nothing. 345 00:14:05,723 --> 00:14:07,330 Isn't that right, Cece? 346 00:14:07,777 --> 00:14:09,010 Hmm? 347 00:14:09,386 --> 00:14:11,996 - What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, you'll figure it out. 348 00:14:12,786 --> 00:14:14,419 If not, just text me. 349 00:14:14,439 --> 00:14:17,066 - Or don't. You're good at that. - Oh, my God. 350 00:14:17,085 --> 00:14:20,805 Okay. We made out once, pointlessly, for two hours. 351 00:14:20,836 --> 00:14:23,214 That's it. Get over it. Let it go. 352 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:24,770 Pointless... was it? 353 00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:26,544 - Yeah. - I mean, who does that?! 354 00:14:26,557 --> 00:14:29,676 Super-hot make out, and then, you ice me out for two months. 355 00:14:29,689 --> 00:14:32,168 What are you talking about?! Ice out what? 356 00:14:32,174 --> 00:14:34,829 You text me, "Happy Monday." What do I do with that? 357 00:14:34,855 --> 00:14:37,822 Oh, I don't know. Maybe have a happy Monday. 358 00:14:37,830 --> 00:14:40,030 - (laughing) - Going out with you was the hottest 359 00:14:40,056 --> 00:14:41,797 and dumbest mistake I ever made! 360 00:14:41,807 --> 00:14:43,320 It was the hottest, dumbest, 361 00:14:43,344 --> 00:14:45,751 sexiest mistake I ever made. 362 00:14:45,776 --> 00:14:48,660 It was so dumb of me to pick you up and press you up against that wall. 363 00:14:48,687 --> 00:14:52,427 So dumb how cool those bricks made my skin feel. 364 00:14:52,453 --> 00:14:54,521 You guys should try the fisherman's bisque. 365 00:14:54,913 --> 00:14:56,839 Has just the right amount of tang. 366 00:14:57,207 --> 00:14:58,861 - That tang? - Mm. 367 00:14:59,213 --> 00:15:00,239 That's tang. 368 00:15:00,584 --> 00:15:02,065 Okay. (laughs) 369 00:15:03,060 --> 00:15:05,004 - Whoa! Whoa. Okay. - Sorry. I was trying... I was trying to... 370 00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:08,150 Just gonna pivot a little bit more to the side. Yeah. - Yeah, just pivot? 371 00:15:08,170 --> 00:15:10,015 No, okay, look, I think the way it was... 372 00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,040 ...was more... I was up, right? 373 00:15:12,065 --> 00:15:14,330 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were up. - That's-that's how it was... yeah, up. 374 00:15:14,353 --> 00:15:17,183 - Just... Okay. - All right. Now what do we do? 375 00:15:17,196 --> 00:15:20,220 Maybe just, like, lower your center of gravity, and then this is gonna work. 376 00:15:20,233 --> 00:15:22,788 Just lower it down, I'm gonna clench my thighs. 377 00:15:23,503 --> 00:15:26,141 - I'm gonna fall. I'm gonna fall... - I'm clenching my thighs as hard as I can. 378 00:15:26,161 --> 00:15:28,879 - Okay, okay. - What? Oh. Geez. 379 00:15:30,020 --> 00:15:31,317 - (groans): Oh! - Geez. 380 00:15:31,893 --> 00:15:33,266 That was... 381 00:15:33,611 --> 00:15:35,558 - awful. Oh, my gosh. - That was the worst. 382 00:15:35,571 --> 00:15:37,578 - Wow, what is happening? - Oh, Lord. 383 00:15:37,610 --> 00:15:40,203 Maybe you were right not to text me back, 'cause that was... 384 00:15:40,220 --> 00:15:41,990 embarrassing. (laughs) 385 00:15:43,126 --> 00:15:44,826 - I'm sorry. - (quietly): No, that's cool. 386 00:15:45,056 --> 00:15:47,827 Can we just be friends now? You know? 387 00:15:48,187 --> 00:15:51,098 - Yeah. I mean, why not? (chuckles) - (laughs) 388 00:15:52,337 --> 00:15:53,921 - Friends? - Friends. 389 00:15:55,950 --> 00:15:56,964 Friends. 390 00:15:57,913 --> 00:15:59,020 Come here, you. 391 00:15:59,033 --> 00:16:00,372 - Oh, oh! - Aah! Sorry. 392 00:16:00,385 --> 00:16:02,986 - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Literally just bit my tooth. 393 00:16:02,999 --> 00:16:06,519 - I'm sorry, when I get excited my teeth come out. - Who does that? 394 00:16:06,545 --> 00:16:08,349 - Sorry. - (muffled): I think I broke my tooth. 395 00:16:08,383 --> 00:16:09,615 Let me see? 396 00:16:09,633 --> 00:16:10,786 Oh. 397 00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:16,790 Jess: Okay. 398 00:16:16,806 --> 00:16:18,437 Go straight to the gate. 399 00:16:19,690 --> 00:16:20,867 Look... 400 00:16:21,139 --> 00:16:22,892 I get why you're mad at me. 401 00:16:22,923 --> 00:16:24,987 Okay? But if it's any consolation, 402 00:16:25,012 --> 00:16:28,355 I'm a woman in my 30s about to get on a plane to go live with my mother. 403 00:16:29,436 --> 00:16:32,424 It's only a matter of time before I have a tiny denim backpack, too. 404 00:16:34,103 --> 00:16:36,480 I said I would never go back to Portland. 405 00:16:37,602 --> 00:16:40,629 So I guess I'm a complete failure. 406 00:16:41,853 --> 00:16:43,441 I'm the baby. 407 00:16:53,108 --> 00:16:55,540 (whistle blowing) 408 00:16:55,663 --> 00:16:58,790 Is this the craziest thing that's going on in the airport? Really? (whistle continues) 409 00:16:59,710 --> 00:17:02,327 Okay, recap, you hit the dance floor, and... 410 00:17:02,346 --> 00:17:03,800 Do what I do best, be an embarrassment. 411 00:17:03,820 --> 00:17:06,528 Well, it's a gift, Nick. I need you to ruin this bar mitzvah. 412 00:17:06,541 --> 00:17:08,343 What do you say, just get out there and do some weird dancing? 413 00:17:08,354 --> 00:17:10,134 - It's got to be bigger than that, man. - Bigger than that? 414 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,412 Then I come out there and I... (grunts) 415 00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,278 ...knock you out. It's all right. 416 00:17:13,681 --> 00:17:16,115 Again, it'll be a stage punch. Don't worry. I've done several productions 417 00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,220 Both: ...of West Side Story. 418 00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:19,453 - I know. You told me. - As a Puerto Rican Shark. 419 00:17:20,064 --> 00:17:21,624 - That's cool. - It was awesome. 420 00:17:21,654 --> 00:17:23,174 You never came and saw it, but... 421 00:17:23,187 --> 00:17:24,768 - Well, I was very busy at that time. - Whatever, never mind. 422 00:17:24,784 --> 00:17:26,537 The rabbi will then come out, he'll thank me, 423 00:17:26,561 --> 00:17:27,811 - the hero... - Gotcha. 424 00:17:27,824 --> 00:17:30,182 He'll offer me his daughter's hand, then, five years from now, 425 00:17:30,198 --> 00:17:33,257 Rachael is pregnant with Elon's little sister and we're having 426 00:17:33,276 --> 00:17:35,832 a beautiful family New Year's then in our vacation condo 427 00:17:35,848 --> 00:17:38,886 - in the Florida Keys. - You're doing it again, you're talking in speeches. 428 00:17:38,905 --> 00:17:41,227 You've been monologuing, lately, Schmidt. 429 00:17:41,768 --> 00:17:43,221 Do you s... Do you, do you hear yourself? 430 00:17:43,248 --> 00:17:44,401 - I-I'm unaware of it. - You... Okay. 431 00:17:44,421 --> 00:17:46,001 I'm not gonna get mad at you, 'cause I respect you and you're one of... 432 00:17:46,034 --> 00:17:47,247 - I'm unaware of it. - But, like, it's weird. 433 00:17:47,268 --> 00:17:49,281 - I apologize. I'll stop doing it. - Okay. 434 00:17:49,308 --> 00:17:50,988 - (exhales) Hey. - Yeah? 435 00:17:51,005 --> 00:17:53,132 Light this cannon up so I can shoot off. 436 00:17:53,168 --> 00:17:54,638 (whooshing, hissing) 437 00:17:54,668 --> 00:17:55,995 (imitates explosion) 438 00:17:56,007 --> 00:17:58,089 Oh! 439 00:17:58,291 --> 00:18:00,719 Well, well, well, it's a snake in the grass. 440 00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:03,050 How you doing? My name's Nick. 441 00:18:03,611 --> 00:18:05,398 You know martial arts? 442 00:18:05,428 --> 00:18:06,998 Swear to God you don't? 443 00:18:07,248 --> 00:18:10,981 You run around with this hunk anymore, this little surfer cat. 444 00:18:10,998 --> 00:18:12,498 I know your game. 445 00:18:12,731 --> 00:18:16,674 Charming the ladies with your baby blue eyes. I wish I had 'em. 446 00:18:18,054 --> 00:18:19,802 Breaking my heart, beautiful. 447 00:18:20,886 --> 00:18:21,566 What? 448 00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:23,772 And I all do is love you. I give and I give. 449 00:18:23,797 --> 00:18:27,385 I been working for 40 years at the steel mill for you. 450 00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:28,975 We just met. 451 00:18:28,994 --> 00:18:32,257 I want to rip that blouse off you and put it on me. 452 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,260 - Oh, wow. - I want to wear your lipstick. 453 00:18:35,537 --> 00:18:39,261 - Well, that's interesting. - I want to rip those earrings off 454 00:18:39,287 --> 00:18:42,067 and put 'em on and I want to be the girl! 455 00:18:42,081 --> 00:18:44,141 That would be wonderful. 456 00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:47,657 But I won't do it around all these crazy Jews. 457 00:18:48,031 --> 00:18:50,911 And I don't care who's watching. I want what I want. 458 00:18:51,448 --> 00:18:53,168 (everyone gasping) Ooh! 459 00:18:58,397 --> 00:19:00,104 - Unhand her, sir. - Whoa, what is... Hey, man. 460 00:19:00,124 --> 00:19:02,118 That's my mother! 461 00:19:02,608 --> 00:19:03,668 Ooh! 462 00:19:03,708 --> 00:19:05,065 (everyone gasping) You okay? 463 00:19:05,091 --> 00:19:07,024 Nice shot, Dr. Nussbaum. 464 00:19:07,050 --> 00:19:09,426 Would you like to date my daughter? She's available. 465 00:19:09,448 --> 00:19:11,668 Oh, great, yeah, tell the whole room that I'm available. 466 00:19:11,688 --> 00:19:14,717 I'm not telling the whole room. I'm telling Dr. Nussbaum. 467 00:19:14,748 --> 00:19:17,088 - A doctor. - No, I got that. 468 00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:20,761 (deep sigh, groan) 469 00:19:21,541 --> 00:19:23,001 - Oh, hey. - Hey. 470 00:19:23,021 --> 00:19:25,361 I like your glass... What happened to your eye? 471 00:19:25,378 --> 00:19:27,185 - I got beat up at a bar mitzvah. - (sighs) 472 00:19:27,205 --> 00:19:28,920 And I know that's embarrassing, and I know 473 00:19:28,933 --> 00:19:31,411 you're too embarrassed of me to introduce me to your sister. 474 00:19:31,424 --> 00:19:32,731 - What? - And I get that, Jess. 475 00:19:32,750 --> 00:19:35,783 - Nick, that's not at all what... - You know what? 476 00:19:35,814 --> 00:19:37,414 There is something I just cannot shake, 477 00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:39,029 I been tossing and turning all night long. 478 00:19:39,055 --> 00:19:41,611 We literally have been apart for like 15 seconds, man. Get out of here. 479 00:19:41,641 --> 00:19:44,614 I am your wingman now, Nick, because it-it takes two wings... 480 00:19:44,627 --> 00:19:47,067 - Don't do this. - ...for a, for a bird to dance. 481 00:19:47,088 --> 00:19:49,738 - Jessica Day, you are dating a champion. - I agree. 482 00:19:49,758 --> 00:19:52,490 And I don't know why on earth you would be embarrassed of him. 483 00:19:52,521 --> 00:19:53,934 - Excuse me? - Don't... I told him not... 484 00:19:53,951 --> 00:19:55,658 I don't understand where this is coming from. 485 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:57,153 I am not embarrassed of Nick, 486 00:19:57,164 --> 00:19:58,540 - not at all. - For real? 487 00:19:58,559 --> 00:20:00,007 - No. - Well, that's great news. 488 00:20:00,024 --> 00:20:02,870 I'm glad that's out of the way. Fantastic. I'll see you guys for brunch. 489 00:20:04,081 --> 00:20:05,606 Why would you think that? 490 00:20:06,230 --> 00:20:09,721 - She's embarrassed of me. Oh, hello. - Oh, hey. 491 00:20:09,740 --> 00:20:10,988 - This is, um... - I'm Abby. 492 00:20:11,004 --> 00:20:12,944 - Abby. - Hi. 493 00:20:12,968 --> 00:20:14,341 Mom was right. 494 00:20:14,361 --> 00:20:16,281 - He does have an uptown butt. - What? 495 00:20:16,317 --> 00:20:18,937 - I'd like to put that butt in ski pants. - What does that mean? 496 00:20:18,958 --> 00:20:20,437 - Nothing. - Everything. 497 00:20:20,457 --> 00:20:22,768 - Come on, Abby. - Oh, come on. 498 00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:24,055 Jess, I'm putting my stuff in your room. 499 00:20:24,074 --> 00:20:27,558 So that mean you guys are gonna stay in your room. 500 00:20:27,734 --> 00:20:29,706 - Thank me later. - All right. 501 00:20:31,488 --> 00:20:34,488 Well, she is just a delight. (chuckles) 502 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:39,489 So I might have told a few lies about my sister. 503 00:20:39,730 --> 00:20:41,663 She's a total train wreck, and she was in jail. 504 00:20:41,681 --> 00:20:44,541 Well, look, why lie? You know how many Millers have been 505 00:20:44,554 --> 00:20:46,008 or are currently in jail? 506 00:20:46,028 --> 00:20:48,241 I get it. It's just, she's such a... 507 00:20:48,287 --> 00:20:49,947 Abby (muffled): I can hear you. 508 00:20:51,246 --> 00:20:53,663 - (whispers): Complicated person. - Right. 509 00:20:54,424 --> 00:20:55,557 Anyway. 510 00:20:55,658 --> 00:20:57,724 - She needs me. - Right. 511 00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:01,047 - Can she stay with us? - Yeah, of course. How-how long? 512 00:21:01,068 --> 00:21:02,408 - A few weeks. - Few weeks. 513 00:21:02,433 --> 00:21:04,193 - A month, tops. 514 00:21:04,575 --> 00:21:06,947 - Six months, super tops. - Six months. 515 00:21:06,967 --> 00:21:09,907 Just till I get on my feet. Oh. What's your address? 516 00:21:09,938 --> 00:21:12,378 In case I want to get any "deliveries." 517 00:21:12,421 --> 00:21:13,928 I'm not telling you. 518 00:21:14,081 --> 00:21:15,411 I'm not telling you, I'm n... 519 00:21:15,861 --> 00:21:17,681 "Deliveries?" No. 520 00:21:17,704 --> 00:21:19,817 Deliveries are fine, "deliveries," no. 521 00:21:19,837 --> 00:21:22,167 - Depends what you want "delivered." - I'll figure it out. 522 00:21:26,624 --> 00:21:27,854 Well... 523 00:21:31,611 --> 00:21:32,893 I love you. 524 00:21:35,766 --> 00:21:40,766 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther