1 00:00:00,848 --> 00:00:03,211 - Man, this is gonna be fun! - Ah, come on! 2 00:00:03,230 --> 00:00:04,318 Get it close to the light. 3 00:00:04,333 --> 00:00:06,628 Okay, just because you invented Sky Knife 4 00:00:06,654 --> 00:00:08,554 doesn't mean you can tell me how to throw. 5 00:00:08,582 --> 00:00:10,029 Hurry up, man. You can do this. 6 00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:11,584 One, two, three. 7 00:00:11,613 --> 00:00:12,498 Sky Knife! 8 00:00:13,896 --> 00:00:15,115 Yeah! 9 00:00:15,509 --> 00:00:16,296 What's up? 10 00:00:16,324 --> 00:00:19,352 - Oh, hey. What's up? Nothing, just a... - Hey, uh, straight-up chillin'. 11 00:00:19,378 --> 00:00:23,168 You guys, it's a really long story, but I think I saw an eagle. 12 00:00:23,188 --> 00:00:25,208 I was shopping for books on Western... 13 00:00:25,227 --> 00:00:26,620 Oh, my God! 14 00:00:26,648 --> 00:00:27,541 - Oh! - Oh! 15 00:00:27,568 --> 00:00:30,921 - Oh, God, what the hell? - You were in the drop zone. 16 00:00:30,934 --> 00:00:33,203 - Good save, Nick. - You were a hero! 17 00:00:33,229 --> 00:00:35,969 - Good save. - We were playing Sky Knife. You mad? 18 00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:39,625 No. No. I... I think it's been a great game this week. 19 00:00:39,638 --> 00:00:41,132 I'm amazed at how great it is. 20 00:00:41,155 --> 00:00:43,808 Uh! Awesome! I thought you were gonna be mad. All right. 21 00:00:43,821 --> 00:00:45,732 I'm gonna go get the bad-ass knives from Schmidt's house. 22 00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:47,087 - Cool. - Get 'em, girl. 23 00:00:49,384 --> 00:00:51,318 Um, guys, we have a problem. 24 00:00:51,339 --> 00:00:53,729 I know, but Abby's gonna fix it. She's going to get the cooler knives. 25 00:00:53,748 --> 00:00:56,068 The problem is Abby. 26 00:00:56,091 --> 00:01:00,476 She's been here one week and has already created chaos everywhere. 27 00:01:00,496 --> 00:01:01,896 I don't know if anybody noticed, 28 00:01:01,917 --> 00:01:03,844 but she destroyed my sunflower painting 29 00:01:03,852 --> 00:01:06,139 - with a picture of a penis. - The iguana's cool. 30 00:01:06,161 --> 00:01:08,348 - I like the iguana. - Who doesn't love an iguana? 31 00:01:08,361 --> 00:01:10,030 - I like its tail. - Yeah. 32 00:01:11,406 --> 00:01:12,932 Oh, my God, you guys, it's Terry. 33 00:01:12,954 --> 00:01:14,820 The bastard found me. He wants his stuff. 34 00:01:14,833 --> 00:01:17,391 Who's Terry?! What's his stuff?! Cocaine drugs?! 35 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,570 Worse. You guys got to hide. 36 00:01:19,587 --> 00:01:21,288 Oh, my God, I knew this was gonna happen. 37 00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:23,848 - Everybody in your earthquake spots now! - Jess! 38 00:01:25,620 --> 00:01:26,933 She's messing with you. 39 00:01:29,091 --> 00:01:30,374 Yeah, I know. 40 00:01:30,393 --> 00:01:33,090 We are messing with you. 41 00:01:33,114 --> 00:01:34,481 - No. - I don't think you were involved. 42 00:01:34,502 --> 00:01:36,126 - Don't taunt you, dude. - You guys were all afraid of Terry. 43 00:01:36,159 --> 00:01:38,596 Us Day sisters up to our old pranks. 44 00:01:38,613 --> 00:01:40,347 - You're not part of it. - Yes, I am! 45 00:01:40,369 --> 00:01:43,208 - You got messed with. - You got messed with, not me. 46 00:01:43,231 --> 00:01:44,778 You're doing that voice when you get messed with. 47 00:01:44,798 --> 00:01:46,692 - No, I'm not. - You guys, this is so fun. 48 00:01:46,723 --> 00:01:49,311 - I want to live here. - Ah, ha, ha! 49 00:01:49,331 --> 00:01:52,156 That was funny, 'cause we're messing with you again. 50 00:01:52,173 --> 00:01:54,421 No. I'm serious. That one was real. 51 00:01:54,434 --> 00:01:55,767 I think I should live here. 52 00:01:56,576 --> 00:01:57,569 I hate this game. 53 00:01:59,685 --> 00:02:02,381 ♪ Hey, girl ♪ 54 00:02:02,411 --> 00:02:04,764 ♪ What you doing? ♪ 55 00:02:05,124 --> 00:02:07,305 ♪ Hey, girl ♪ 56 00:02:07,872 --> 00:02:10,034 ♪ Where you going? ♪ 57 00:02:10,045 --> 00:02:12,795 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 58 00:02:12,815 --> 00:02:14,150 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 59 00:02:14,169 --> 00:02:15,196 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 60 00:02:15,216 --> 00:02:16,505 ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 61 00:02:16,544 --> 00:02:20,544 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 62 00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:27,016 You looking up how to eat a bagel? 63 00:02:27,035 --> 00:02:30,244 No. I'm, uh, seeing if I passed the LAPD entrance exam. 64 00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:32,464 Results go up in 30 seconds. 65 00:02:32,847 --> 00:02:34,187 If you pass, you get to be a cop? 66 00:02:34,210 --> 00:02:36,557 No, I get to go to the police academy, you know? 67 00:02:36,818 --> 00:02:38,325 Hope I get a dog partner. 68 00:02:38,354 --> 00:02:40,010 - Yeah. - Oh, you are pretty calm 69 00:02:40,029 --> 00:02:42,161 for someone who's about to get life-changing news. 70 00:02:42,174 --> 00:02:43,742 You must be really cool under pressure. 71 00:02:43,756 --> 00:02:46,428 No! I'm a huge choker. 72 00:02:46,452 --> 00:02:48,059 Huge! 73 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,085 Girl, I ain't had a job in over three months. 74 00:02:50,115 --> 00:02:52,388 So, this is... that moment, I guess, 75 00:02:52,410 --> 00:02:55,111 when you find out if you're really a failure or not. 76 00:02:56,409 --> 00:02:59,209 Check it. Excitement's killing me! 77 00:02:59,245 --> 00:03:01,385 Man, would you look at the... time? 78 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:06,004 Man. Girl, I got an obligation at a sandwich meeting... 79 00:03:06,450 --> 00:03:08,012 to... to go to. 80 00:03:11,128 --> 00:03:12,524 Yes... 81 00:03:14,293 --> 00:03:17,746 Well, you see, loyalty has a price, Mr. President. 82 00:03:17,777 --> 00:03:19,521 Give me the hot dogs! 83 00:03:20,105 --> 00:03:23,540 Put the damn hot dogs in the bag, you son of a bitch, and I won't... 84 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:27,315 Oh, my God. What are we gonna do? She can't move in to... 85 00:03:27,552 --> 00:03:28,645 Take that off. 86 00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:31,046 - I hope those are clean. - Enough. 87 00:03:31,476 --> 00:03:33,541 I don't want to be involved with your weird thing with your sister. 88 00:03:33,554 --> 00:03:36,533 It's not a weird thing with my sister. 89 00:03:36,548 --> 00:03:37,695 She is crazy. 90 00:03:37,704 --> 00:03:39,932 - No. - She's wanted in Canada. 91 00:03:39,952 --> 00:03:43,025 Canada. No one's wanted in Canada. 92 00:03:43,048 --> 00:03:45,534 Hey, uh, you guys want to hang out, like, right now? 93 00:03:45,550 --> 00:03:48,403 Maybe go up to Alhambra, try on a whole mess of jeans? 94 00:03:48,421 --> 00:03:50,448 Don't you find out about that cop test today? 95 00:03:50,869 --> 00:03:53,142 Oh, you know... Oh, yeah. No. 96 00:03:53,159 --> 00:03:55,027 Look, man, the Alhambra thing, though... 97 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,774 it's getting a lot of momentum, you know? 98 00:03:56,789 --> 00:03:58,236 So I think I'm gonna go ahead and do that 99 00:03:58,264 --> 00:04:00,482 'cause when you... you know, when you do that, so... 100 00:04:00,502 --> 00:04:04,071 Okay, I'm gonna guarantee you that Abby is responsible for that. 101 00:04:04,090 --> 00:04:05,505 Yeah, she got to me. 102 00:04:05,524 --> 00:04:08,149 If you don't want Abby to live here, Jessica, why don't you just tell her? 103 00:04:08,167 --> 00:04:12,173 Nick, you can't just tell Abby to do something, 'cause she'll do the opposite. 104 00:04:12,197 --> 00:04:14,423 So I'm gonna have to go find a place for her to live 105 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,160 and make her think it's her idea. 106 00:04:16,182 --> 00:04:18,020 She can't find out what I'm up to. 107 00:04:18,033 --> 00:04:20,452 Do you think you can keep her busy and lie to her all day? 108 00:04:20,472 --> 00:04:23,815 Jess, I come from a family of con artists and liars. 109 00:04:23,842 --> 00:04:27,044 And the one thing I learned is, you can't lie to a liar. 110 00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:28,626 It don't fly. 111 00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:31,163 - Yeah, you shouldn't be involved. - No, I shouldn't. 112 00:04:33,137 --> 00:04:34,364 Wait a second. 113 00:04:34,390 --> 00:04:37,305 - Are you doing reverse psychology? - Yeah, it is reverse psychology. 114 00:04:37,336 --> 00:04:39,981 That is reverse psychology, so you just reversed it, 115 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,378 so now it's reverse, reverse, which is just psychology. 116 00:04:42,395 --> 00:04:44,288 Hmm, which one is it? 117 00:04:45,191 --> 00:04:46,664 You outfoxed me. I'm in. 118 00:04:46,692 --> 00:04:47,718 I'm gonna do it. 119 00:04:48,394 --> 00:04:52,898 So, our time is up, but, um, I don't have any more clients, 120 00:04:52,924 --> 00:04:53,851 - so, uh... - Oh. 121 00:04:53,866 --> 00:04:55,573 You brought it with that less set, ma. 122 00:04:55,601 --> 00:04:57,969 I got to tell you. I mean, what can't that butt do? 123 00:04:57,990 --> 00:05:00,997 - You shaped it, so you get dibs. - Mmm. 124 00:05:01,019 --> 00:05:02,152 Dibs. 125 00:05:03,498 --> 00:05:06,788 Can I get dibs? Because both y'all butts look great. 126 00:05:06,805 --> 00:05:09,108 I mean, I can't tell who's in first place. 127 00:05:09,367 --> 00:05:12,334 Hey, uh, Coach, you know how you're always getting on me about my pizza baby? 128 00:05:12,357 --> 00:05:14,885 - Yeah. - Well, today is the day that I get rid of it. 129 00:05:14,908 --> 00:05:18,024 - I am here to train. - Save it, dude. 130 00:05:18,037 --> 00:05:20,735 You're avoiding your test results. Nick texted me. 131 00:05:20,993 --> 00:05:22,820 Guess you can't outrun a text. 132 00:05:22,835 --> 00:05:24,662 - Nope. - Well, with the right amount of training... 133 00:05:24,677 --> 00:05:27,008 All right, listen to me. Um, I need you to leave. 134 00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:29,729 I'm with a client. A beautiful one. 135 00:05:29,749 --> 00:05:31,982 I'm trying to, you know... 136 00:05:32,001 --> 00:05:33,432 Mm. 137 00:05:33,911 --> 00:05:34,952 You're trying to whistle. 138 00:05:34,973 --> 00:05:36,615 No, no, no, no, no, I'm trying to have sex with her. 139 00:05:36,635 --> 00:05:39,111 Oh! Sex. 140 00:05:39,671 --> 00:05:42,912 But I did book you for the entire afternoon, though. 141 00:05:44,389 --> 00:05:45,604 - Why would you do that? - But... 142 00:05:45,617 --> 00:05:47,968 if you guys are doing a little thing, then I could easily just... 143 00:05:47,985 --> 00:05:49,412 - Leave and check your test scores? - ...do a tandem session. 144 00:05:49,436 --> 00:05:50,683 - Oh, fun. - Right? 145 00:05:50,703 --> 00:05:54,175 Coach, you should show him that ground stretch you did on me earlier. 146 00:05:54,193 --> 00:05:56,861 It was opening me up really nicely. 147 00:05:56,888 --> 00:05:58,461 Yes, please. 148 00:05:59,043 --> 00:06:00,416 I don't wanna. 149 00:06:02,239 --> 00:06:03,389 Oh. 150 00:06:08,454 --> 00:06:10,995 - This is amazing. - Oh! 151 00:06:11,016 --> 00:06:13,189 I'm taking a little trip here, Coach. 152 00:06:13,778 --> 00:06:16,559 - You know where I'm going. - Why do I keep looking down? 153 00:06:16,575 --> 00:06:18,050 I don't know. 154 00:06:18,907 --> 00:06:22,358 This museum is my favorite place in Los Angeles. 155 00:06:22,942 --> 00:06:25,022 Um... come on, Nick. 156 00:06:25,038 --> 00:06:26,985 Jess is making you babysit me, right? 157 00:06:26,999 --> 00:06:28,552 Babysit you? 158 00:06:28,574 --> 00:06:30,041 What? 159 00:06:30,062 --> 00:06:31,614 Like you're a little baby? 160 00:06:31,633 --> 00:06:32,774 No. 161 00:06:33,886 --> 00:06:35,959 - That's how you want to play this? - Well, I'm not "playing" it. 162 00:06:35,981 --> 00:06:37,834 - Oh. - Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing? 163 00:06:37,854 --> 00:06:39,232 - I just want to touch it. - Don't touch it. 164 00:06:39,251 --> 00:06:41,398 - I just need to touch it. - But it's not for touching. Hey, hey! 165 00:06:41,417 --> 00:06:42,857 What? Can I not jump on it? 166 00:06:42,875 --> 00:06:44,063 - Abby. - That's not allowed? 167 00:06:44,069 --> 00:06:46,751 - Abby! - Maybe I shouldn't climb all over the car. 168 00:06:46,766 --> 00:06:48,533 You need to get off of that car. 169 00:06:48,548 --> 00:06:50,661 Why don't you tell me what it is Jess is up to? 170 00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:54,247 Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, you're scratching the hood! 171 00:06:54,286 --> 00:06:55,746 Tell me what I want to know. 172 00:06:55,762 --> 00:06:57,702 - Get off there right now. - There's nothing to tell! 173 00:06:57,722 --> 00:06:59,261 - Tell me what I want to know. - There's nothing to tell! 174 00:06:59,285 --> 00:07:01,023 - Tell me what she's doing! - Get her off! 175 00:07:01,042 --> 00:07:02,679 - If I tell you, will you get off the car? - Yes. 176 00:07:02,700 --> 00:07:03,647 - You promise? - Yes. 177 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,520 She's looking for a safe apartment for you 178 00:07:05,544 --> 00:07:07,450 'cause she doesn't want you to live with us! 179 00:07:09,635 --> 00:07:11,715 Now, would you please get off the car? 180 00:07:12,916 --> 00:07:14,309 Do you guys serve drinks here? 181 00:07:15,205 --> 00:07:17,674 Why don't they give us Tasers? 182 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,014 Wow. I mean, this place is beautiful. 183 00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:28,835 It makes the other nine places we've seen today just kind of fade away. 184 00:07:29,058 --> 00:07:31,125 Yeah, um, tell me about the neighborhood. 185 00:07:31,347 --> 00:07:32,414 Is there a lot of nightlife? 186 00:07:32,436 --> 00:07:34,876 Well, this part of town is pretty quiet. 187 00:07:34,902 --> 00:07:37,504 Unless you count church bells. Which you should. 188 00:07:37,514 --> 00:07:39,367 We have nine within hearing distance. 189 00:07:39,382 --> 00:07:43,135 What about the other tenants? Are there single men between 18 and 65? 190 00:07:43,161 --> 00:07:45,255 Actually, make that 16 and 72. 191 00:07:45,282 --> 00:07:49,202 Most of the other tenants are middle-aged gay veterans like myself. 192 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,727 Oh. Whoa. 193 00:07:51,285 --> 00:07:52,352 Jackpot. 194 00:07:52,376 --> 00:07:56,196 And if the demons come calling, there's an emergency room right across the street. 195 00:07:56,219 --> 00:07:57,952 You had me at "gay veterans." 196 00:07:57,974 --> 00:07:59,927 And then again at "emergency room." 197 00:07:59,970 --> 00:08:01,697 And before that at "church." 198 00:08:01,719 --> 00:08:05,617 I wish I could just travel back in time and tell 19-year-old me 199 00:08:05,635 --> 00:08:07,515 to move into a place like this. 200 00:08:07,543 --> 00:08:10,466 Maybe I would've settled down. Met a, you know, nice guy. 201 00:08:10,486 --> 00:08:14,241 Nothing flashy. Works in a bank, makes a great veggie lasagna. 202 00:08:14,254 --> 00:08:16,600 - Okay, not now, Cece. - No, don't stop her. 203 00:08:16,620 --> 00:08:17,858 Who is this guy? 204 00:08:18,770 --> 00:08:19,922 Right? 205 00:08:20,963 --> 00:08:23,367 Bet you are a mean dancer. 206 00:08:23,385 --> 00:08:26,151 - Come on. Live a little. - You were right to call me. 207 00:08:26,175 --> 00:08:28,415 Nobody deals with crazy girls better than I do. 208 00:08:28,678 --> 00:08:30,798 Crazy girls are kind of my Hurt Locker. 209 00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,188 - You know what I mean, Nick? - Okay. Yeah. 210 00:08:32,214 --> 00:08:35,109 Some-some men, they can just walk away. Not me. 211 00:08:35,271 --> 00:08:37,008 - I just keep coming back. - Okay, are you gonna help me 212 00:08:37,033 --> 00:08:38,380 - get her off the car? - Mmm. 213 00:08:38,406 --> 00:08:39,859 - You know what this is, Nick? - What? 214 00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:41,106 - This is nonsense. - Exactly. 215 00:08:41,130 --> 00:08:42,563 And how do we deal with nonsense? 216 00:08:42,938 --> 00:08:45,678 No, no. We just don't stand for it is what we do. 217 00:08:45,704 --> 00:08:47,434 Security is on the way. 218 00:08:47,904 --> 00:08:50,391 Come on, you old bird. Get up here. 219 00:08:50,393 --> 00:08:52,193 I can't afford it. 220 00:08:52,215 --> 00:08:54,935 I'm already the staff troublemaker. 221 00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:57,088 - Can you make it happen? - I'm thinking. 222 00:08:59,942 --> 00:09:02,780 Where are you at right... Like, is it kind of game... Yeah. 223 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:05,026 Just shh. 224 00:09:07,837 --> 00:09:08,944 - I got it. - You do? 225 00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:10,009 Yeah. 226 00:09:10,034 --> 00:09:11,589 No nonsense. 227 00:09:13,769 --> 00:09:15,779 Hey, Abby, look at me. 228 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,112 Let's go get a taco. 229 00:09:17,126 --> 00:09:18,385 Okay. 230 00:09:18,411 --> 00:09:20,011 - You got to be kidding. - There you go. Thank you. 231 00:09:20,028 --> 00:09:21,495 There you go. Perfect. 232 00:09:21,557 --> 00:09:24,197 Hey, you're not gonna tell Jess I told you about the apartment, right? 233 00:09:24,214 --> 00:09:26,727 Hmm, I don't know. Maybe. We'll see. 234 00:09:26,758 --> 00:09:27,791 It'd be cool if you... 'Cause... 235 00:09:27,811 --> 00:09:29,658 - Why don't you straighten things up with the museum? - Thank you. 236 00:09:29,678 --> 00:09:31,959 I appreciate that. It's only ten dollars! 237 00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:34,348 That's not gonna... It's ten dollars! 238 00:09:34,369 --> 00:09:35,893 You snakes. 239 00:09:36,419 --> 00:09:37,599 Follow through. 240 00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:38,953 Yeah, all right. 241 00:09:38,973 --> 00:09:40,231 Or else that creepy guy at the bar 242 00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:41,506 isn't gonna take his hand off your thigh. 243 00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:42,884 Hands off my thigh, dude! 244 00:09:45,907 --> 00:09:48,018 Hands off my thigh, dude. 245 00:09:50,206 --> 00:09:52,704 What are you doing, dude? Stop stalling. Check your score. 246 00:09:52,723 --> 00:09:54,563 I'm not stalling. 247 00:09:54,618 --> 00:09:56,486 I'm gonna have Anders work my core 248 00:09:56,506 --> 00:09:58,519 and maybe just go get some juice with him. 249 00:09:58,535 --> 00:10:01,678 - No, um. No, I-I want juice. I'm... - Hey, I bought your time. 250 00:10:01,704 --> 00:10:03,085 I do whatever I want with it. 251 00:10:03,379 --> 00:10:05,092 Go check your score! 252 00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:06,034 Hey, what are you doing? 253 00:10:06,055 --> 00:10:08,082 - No. Wait, what are you doing, dude?! - I'm checking it myself! 254 00:10:08,104 --> 00:10:09,936 No! Come on, man! 255 00:10:10,225 --> 00:10:11,745 I said no, dude. 256 00:10:11,768 --> 00:10:13,624 No. W... 257 00:10:15,304 --> 00:10:16,474 What? 258 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,162 You failed. 259 00:10:22,617 --> 00:10:24,255 I didn't even... 260 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:26,568 You know, it's not even a... 261 00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:31,097 Yeah, it's not a big deal, so... 262 00:10:31,461 --> 00:10:32,997 You know, so... 263 00:10:33,329 --> 00:10:35,869 You should probably put a passcode on your phone, dude. 264 00:10:40,166 --> 00:10:41,461 Hey, Schmidt! 265 00:10:41,483 --> 00:10:43,183 Hey, Schmidt. Have you seen Abby? 266 00:10:43,299 --> 00:10:45,052 Huh? 267 00:10:45,081 --> 00:10:47,688 What... are you... what are you doing? 268 00:10:47,705 --> 00:10:49,162 I'm melting chocolate. 269 00:10:52,881 --> 00:10:54,688 Abby and I are having sex. 270 00:10:54,711 --> 00:10:56,764 What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt? 271 00:10:58,399 --> 00:11:00,639 I've really changed my tune on nonsense, Nick. 272 00:11:00,669 --> 00:11:01,829 You know, for the life of me, 273 00:11:01,845 --> 00:11:04,975 I could not understand the grasp that Jess had on you, 274 00:11:04,994 --> 00:11:07,772 but if she came from the same gene pool as this one... 275 00:11:07,802 --> 00:11:08,969 kudos, my friend. 276 00:11:08,985 --> 00:11:11,019 Even if it's a tenth of what I just experienced. 277 00:11:11,034 --> 00:11:13,837 Even if it'sa DeVito/Schwarzenegger split from Twins. 278 00:11:13,857 --> 00:11:15,424 You calling Jess the DeVito? 279 00:11:15,438 --> 00:11:18,225 - What? - Abby, I was supposed to be watching you. 280 00:11:18,248 --> 00:11:20,435 - Go ahead. - Don't... don't play tricks with my words. 281 00:11:20,448 --> 00:11:22,915 Jess is gonna kill me. She's gonna say my name in that short, clipped way 282 00:11:22,928 --> 00:11:24,441 - where she doesn't add the "K." - What? 283 00:11:24,460 --> 00:11:26,665 When she's mad, she just says "Nic." 284 00:11:26,917 --> 00:11:29,670 Do you really think that the "K" adds to the sound of your name? 285 00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:31,197 - Yes. - How do you usually say your name? 286 00:11:31,207 --> 00:11:32,986 - Nick. - Say it without the "K." 287 00:11:33,006 --> 00:11:34,493 - Nic. - It's the same thing. 288 00:11:34,513 --> 00:11:35,700 Stop distracting me! 289 00:11:35,719 --> 00:11:39,171 Nick, you're so worried about disappointing Jess. Relax, man. 290 00:11:40,244 --> 00:11:42,089 Okay, you got to get out of here. 291 00:11:48,784 --> 00:11:49,966 Oh... 292 00:11:54,260 --> 00:11:55,734 I choked. 293 00:11:56,920 --> 00:12:00,373 I choked, man. I'm 31. I have nothing figured out. 294 00:12:00,557 --> 00:12:02,086 Can I not find a job? 295 00:12:02,106 --> 00:12:05,616 - I mean, I feel like I'm losing it. - Dude, they're hiring here. 296 00:12:05,636 --> 00:12:08,385 You know I can't work here, man. They never have any cookies. 297 00:12:08,412 --> 00:12:10,512 It's all the better, man! There's no pressure. 298 00:12:10,532 --> 00:12:13,765 You get this job and then when you're ready, you try the cop thing again. 299 00:12:14,444 --> 00:12:15,124 Okay. 300 00:12:15,144 --> 00:12:16,499 - See? - Yeah. 301 00:12:16,634 --> 00:12:19,698 But now I'm sitting here thinking about how badly I need this job. 302 00:12:19,730 --> 00:12:21,590 - Stop! - I need this job real bad... 303 00:12:21,605 --> 00:12:24,018 Excuse me, um, could we get a job application over here, please? 304 00:12:24,041 --> 00:12:28,134 In a way, I have a lot more riding on this job than I do the cop thing. 305 00:12:29,211 --> 00:12:30,856 God, I'd love to work here! 306 00:12:32,453 --> 00:12:34,106 I got the apartment! 307 00:12:34,345 --> 00:12:35,564 The place is great. 308 00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:38,371 The only thing I'm a little worried about is there is a Russian grocery store 309 00:12:38,397 --> 00:12:42,081 down the block and Abby has a little bit of a weird thing with ethnic white people. 310 00:12:42,226 --> 00:12:44,749 But I think she could really thrive there! 311 00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:46,075 Where is she? 312 00:12:46,094 --> 00:12:47,443 - Where's who? - Abby. 313 00:12:47,458 --> 00:12:49,498 Ab...? Oh, she's sleeping. 314 00:12:49,707 --> 00:12:51,100 By herself. 315 00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:52,954 Which is called "napping." 316 00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:55,486 Okay, I'm gonna start secretly packing up some of her stuff. 317 00:12:55,505 --> 00:12:57,004 Do you think you can keep distracting her? 318 00:12:57,028 --> 00:12:58,637 - Yes, yeah, you know, just... - Good. 319 00:12:58,649 --> 00:13:02,617 how do we distract her? How do you distract a woman like that? 320 00:13:02,639 --> 00:13:03,919 Probably a guy. 321 00:13:04,248 --> 00:13:06,636 Right? Who can we set her up with? 322 00:13:06,649 --> 00:13:08,692 Well, well, well, who do we have? 323 00:13:08,739 --> 00:13:11,006 Coach. No. 324 00:13:11,474 --> 00:13:13,354 - Winston... - That's actually kind of a good idea... 325 00:13:13,370 --> 00:13:14,479 No! 326 00:13:15,244 --> 00:13:17,727 - Schmidt! - That's a terrible idea. 327 00:13:18,081 --> 00:13:21,663 - But in the same sense... - Abby will wreck Schmidt! 328 00:13:22,151 --> 00:13:23,719 - Well, then luckily, the... - So, here's the plan. 329 00:13:23,741 --> 00:13:26,981 We're gonna have a nice dinner, we're gonna get her buzzed but not drunk. 330 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,594 And then we're gonna casually and naturally 331 00:13:29,614 --> 00:13:32,829 bring up the apartment so she thinks it's her idea. 332 00:13:32,848 --> 00:13:34,622 - And I can do that, okay? - Okay, good. 333 00:13:34,651 --> 00:13:37,224 - I'm glad. - I'll act cool, natural. 334 00:13:37,247 --> 00:13:39,554 Casual. Au naturel. 335 00:13:39,582 --> 00:13:41,583 - Au casual. - You know what? 336 00:13:41,599 --> 00:13:43,152 Maybe I should write you some lines, pal. 337 00:13:43,173 --> 00:13:45,933 Yeah, I'd really appreciate that 'cause... Maybe not a lot of words. 338 00:13:47,664 --> 00:13:50,477 Uh, so tell me, what are your three weakest qualities? 339 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:52,789 See... 340 00:13:52,810 --> 00:13:54,011 Just say "perfectionist." 341 00:13:54,025 --> 00:13:55,450 - Perfectionist. - Yeah. 342 00:13:57,188 --> 00:13:58,888 And the other two... 343 00:13:59,226 --> 00:14:00,377 um... 344 00:14:04,703 --> 00:14:06,079 I'm overheating, right? 345 00:14:06,092 --> 00:14:08,573 I'm overheating, okay? So here's what we're gonna do now... 346 00:14:08,592 --> 00:14:11,472 I'm just gonna shoot from the hip, little rapid fire, 347 00:14:11,492 --> 00:14:14,096 give you some fun facts you might not know about me. 348 00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:17,306 I hate standing up, I'm bad with numbers, and... 349 00:14:17,454 --> 00:14:20,067 I just honestly, from the bottom of my heart, 350 00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,178 don't think women should be allowed to handle money. 351 00:14:23,201 --> 00:14:24,777 Just, that's for real. 352 00:14:28,131 --> 00:14:30,090 Let's just move on to the salary. 353 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:32,926 And you didn't even fill out the back of the application. 354 00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:34,644 There's a back? 355 00:14:36,140 --> 00:14:37,707 There is a back to the application? 356 00:14:37,733 --> 00:14:39,114 - Coach. - What? 357 00:14:39,143 --> 00:14:42,603 The LAPD exam... maybe it had a back. 358 00:14:43,539 --> 00:14:45,266 You didn't check to see if it had a back? 359 00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:48,998 We got to go to the precinct. I didn't choke. I'm just careless. 360 00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:52,925 And that is my biggest weakness, you bitch. 361 00:14:53,297 --> 00:14:55,782 - I'm so sorry, dude. I'm so sorry, dude. - Yeah, that was bad. 362 00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,177 - Man, I didn't even mean that. - All right, get out of here. 363 00:14:57,201 --> 00:14:59,368 - Get out of here. - Dawg, I didn't mean that at all, man. 364 00:15:00,081 --> 00:15:01,764 To our newest resident. 365 00:15:02,025 --> 00:15:05,043 The City of Angels has sprouted another pair of wings. 366 00:15:05,069 --> 00:15:09,181 It's a majestic city, drenched in sunshine, 367 00:15:09,207 --> 00:15:13,671 that is actually just a collection of 75 different neighborhoods. 368 00:15:13,692 --> 00:15:15,649 Wow, I had no idea. 369 00:15:15,673 --> 00:15:17,653 Please continue to tell me more. 370 00:15:17,673 --> 00:15:19,863 - You want more? - Who wants to rediscover couscous? 371 00:15:19,883 --> 00:15:22,616 - Hey, what the hell are you doing here, Schmidt? - I invited him. 372 00:15:22,961 --> 00:15:24,614 - I live here, too, right? - Yeah, but... 373 00:15:24,634 --> 00:15:26,503 It's okay, Abby can make her own decisions, 374 00:15:26,530 --> 00:15:28,497 no matter what they might lead to. 375 00:15:28,732 --> 00:15:32,035 - Thank you. - Now, somebody call the pound 'cause my stomach is growling. 376 00:15:35,013 --> 00:15:37,099 I said my stomach is growling. 377 00:15:37,134 --> 00:15:39,668 Sp... okay, uh, speaking of dinner, 378 00:15:39,683 --> 00:15:42,596 there are a lot of great options in North Hollywood. 379 00:15:42,626 --> 00:15:45,339 It's a real hot spot full of young, hip people 380 00:15:45,346 --> 00:15:46,952 who will be the leaders of tomorrow. 381 00:15:46,971 --> 00:15:48,855 - More wine? - Great. 382 00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:53,550 If I were moving to L.A. now, I'd say yes-ho to NoHo. 383 00:15:53,570 --> 00:15:55,712 Hey, hey, what are you doing? 384 00:15:55,731 --> 00:15:56,671 Oh, my. 385 00:15:56,701 --> 00:15:58,588 Stop touching him, Abby. 386 00:15:58,607 --> 00:16:00,221 I'm sorry, what'd you say? 387 00:16:00,243 --> 00:16:02,177 - Touch him more? - Do not touch him. 388 00:16:02,665 --> 00:16:05,050 - What are you...? - Do not do this right now. 389 00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:06,811 How about that? 390 00:16:07,542 --> 00:16:11,850 As luck would have it, I actually know of a place in North Hollywood 391 00:16:11,875 --> 00:16:14,185 with great tile work. 392 00:16:17,279 --> 00:16:20,530 - I said, "Great tile work." - Oh, for the first 12 months. 393 00:16:22,860 --> 00:16:27,163 I think what you really mean to say is there's an introductory offer 394 00:16:27,191 --> 00:16:28,831 - for cable television. - That's it, yeah... 395 00:16:28,847 --> 00:16:31,633 Cable's a scam, I tell ya. Sa... Satellite. 396 00:16:32,470 --> 00:16:35,215 - What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt? - Satellite's where it's at. 397 00:16:35,234 --> 00:16:37,368 Nonsense has the hands of an angel. 398 00:16:37,381 --> 00:16:39,290 Okay, what's going on here? 399 00:16:41,331 --> 00:16:43,957 I told Abby about the apartment, and now she's... 400 00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:46,266 giving Schmidt a sp... a special. 401 00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:51,061 Don't look at me. Just look away. 402 00:16:51,096 --> 00:16:53,453 Look away, look... or look right at me. 403 00:16:58,087 --> 00:17:01,167 - So this was going on the whole time? - Yes. 404 00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:03,081 And the hands are just the half of it. 405 00:17:03,101 --> 00:17:05,873 I mean, there's been banging and poking and scratching 406 00:17:05,893 --> 00:17:08,299 and hanging and teasing... such teasing. 407 00:17:08,313 --> 00:17:10,999 I mean, really excruciating, life-giving teasing. 408 00:17:11,019 --> 00:17:13,511 Shut up, Schmidt! She was talking to me. 409 00:17:13,525 --> 00:17:16,518 This has been a whole day of lying and I can't take it. 410 00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:17,855 First I had to lie to Abby, 411 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,447 and so I spilled the beans about the apartment. I'm sorry. 412 00:17:20,466 --> 00:17:23,353 And then I had to lie about Abby and Schmidt and the boning. 413 00:17:23,382 --> 00:17:26,808 And then the manipulating and the out-manipulating... 414 00:17:26,839 --> 00:17:28,162 That's lying! 415 00:17:28,169 --> 00:17:31,624 If you guys were just honest with each other for one second, 416 00:17:31,644 --> 00:17:33,564 none of this would have happened. 417 00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:36,034 Okay. All right. Abby... 418 00:17:36,047 --> 00:17:40,249 I'm really sorry I tried to trick you, but I just want what's best for you. 419 00:17:40,271 --> 00:17:42,653 - One of us has to! - You know, that is your problem. 420 00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:44,760 You think you're better than people and you always try to fix them. 421 00:17:44,783 --> 00:17:46,136 - No, I don't! - Yes, you do. 422 00:17:46,158 --> 00:17:48,018 You've done it your whole life. It's annoying. 423 00:17:48,047 --> 00:17:49,380 You know what? Yes. 424 00:17:49,415 --> 00:17:52,162 Yes. I would like to fix you. 425 00:17:52,168 --> 00:17:54,709 No... I would love to fix you! 426 00:17:54,727 --> 00:17:57,554 But I'm done trying. Because you're not changing. 427 00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:02,697 And you don't think or care about other people at all, and I do. 428 00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:04,981 And that's why I don't want you living in this loft. 429 00:18:07,226 --> 00:18:08,523 That's honest. 430 00:18:09,335 --> 00:18:13,088 You're a garbage person and you should live in a Dumpster with rotten snails. 431 00:18:13,111 --> 00:18:14,760 Hey! Nick! 432 00:18:15,133 --> 00:18:16,800 - Too far! - Yeah, way over the line, buddy. 433 00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:19,142 - Yeah, but I thought we were just piling in... - That's my sister, dude. 434 00:18:19,171 --> 00:18:20,790 I didn't mean that, yeah. Sorry. 435 00:18:21,365 --> 00:18:23,377 Well, lucky for you, 436 00:18:24,216 --> 00:18:27,057 - I'm moving out. - Oh, thank God, Abby. 437 00:18:27,070 --> 00:18:28,470 Oh, my God. 438 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:31,987 - You're really gonna like this place. It's so nice... - I'm moving in with Schmidt. 439 00:18:32,018 --> 00:18:33,751 What... what's that, now? You're moving in with who? 440 00:18:33,766 --> 00:18:35,239 - Seriously? - We would have sex all the time. 441 00:18:35,687 --> 00:18:36,860 Dinner was lovely, you guys. 442 00:18:36,881 --> 00:18:38,571 - Thank you so much. - Bye. 443 00:18:40,219 --> 00:18:42,079 - What? - Ooh. Hey, uh, Jess? 444 00:18:42,086 --> 00:18:44,613 Can I borrow your glasses? We're gonna role-play as you guys. 445 00:18:44,642 --> 00:18:46,807 - Ew. No. - You don't understand. 446 00:18:47,138 --> 00:18:49,129 She's not gonna be you. I'm gonna be you. 447 00:18:49,142 --> 00:18:50,790 - Ugh! Get out, Schmidt! - Get out of here! 448 00:18:50,815 --> 00:18:51,982 Okay... 449 00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:54,896 Oh, God! 450 00:18:56,086 --> 00:18:57,399 What's up, my man? 451 00:18:57,415 --> 00:18:58,578 I took the test last week... 452 00:18:58,597 --> 00:19:01,912 or should I say, I took the front part of the test last week... 453 00:19:01,945 --> 00:19:04,871 and, sir, I am here to finish what I started. 454 00:19:05,662 --> 00:19:08,835 - What? - What he's trying to say is, he took the entrance exam, 455 00:19:08,855 --> 00:19:10,162 but he forgot to do the back half. 456 00:19:10,182 --> 00:19:13,655 Well, the test is administered on a computer. There is no back. 457 00:19:16,621 --> 00:19:18,778 You took the test on a computer? 458 00:19:18,797 --> 00:19:21,259 I choked. I am a failure. I am a loser. 459 00:19:21,278 --> 00:19:24,128 I am never gonna amount to anything. I'm never gonna shoot somebody. 460 00:19:24,148 --> 00:19:26,858 Dude. Have some dignity, all right? 461 00:19:27,465 --> 00:19:29,205 Thank you for your time, sir. 462 00:19:29,494 --> 00:19:30,865 Winston. 463 00:19:31,061 --> 00:19:33,161 Winston! Yo! 464 00:19:33,184 --> 00:19:34,264 Winston! 465 00:19:35,245 --> 00:19:37,307 Dude, you failed, man. 466 00:19:38,116 --> 00:19:40,839 You failed hard! At everything! 467 00:19:40,858 --> 00:19:43,591 - Dude, this pep talk sucks. - I'm not finished. 468 00:19:43,615 --> 00:19:45,535 Like, seriously, it's like the Winston of pep talks. 469 00:19:45,555 --> 00:19:46,942 Look at me. 470 00:19:46,965 --> 00:19:48,735 You can do this, Winston. 471 00:19:49,133 --> 00:19:51,392 Because now there's nothing to be afraid of. 472 00:19:51,822 --> 00:19:53,595 You hit rock bottom, man. 473 00:19:53,624 --> 00:19:55,301 This is the worst it's gonna get. 474 00:20:00,504 --> 00:20:04,139 Sir, it has been my dream to become a cop. 475 00:20:05,263 --> 00:20:08,303 And no one's gonna stand in my way... not you, not him... 476 00:20:08,336 --> 00:20:09,638 Hey, I was helping. 477 00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:11,611 ...and definitely not myself. 478 00:20:12,195 --> 00:20:13,994 I would like to retake this test. 479 00:20:14,911 --> 00:20:16,925 Well, there's one at 7:30 tomorrow. 480 00:20:16,951 --> 00:20:18,761 Man, what about my last score makes you think 481 00:20:18,774 --> 00:20:20,934 I'm ready to take this test again in 12 hours? 482 00:20:21,943 --> 00:20:23,756 - He'll be there. Yeah. - Yeah, I'll be there. 483 00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:28,417 Thank you for messing everything up and being such a terrible liar. 484 00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:29,457 Uh, you are very welcome. 485 00:20:29,470 --> 00:20:32,067 I think I really needed to say that stuff to my sister. 486 00:20:32,087 --> 00:20:34,506 - She's gonna wreck Schmidt. - Oof... 487 00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:36,528 He has no idea. 488 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,606 I'm sorry my family's so crazy. 489 00:20:38,626 --> 00:20:41,739 Crazy? Your family's not crazy. My family's crazy. 490 00:20:42,018 --> 00:20:43,732 My father used to trade horse semen. 491 00:20:43,761 --> 00:20:46,558 I've got an uncle whose God-given name is Shifty. 492 00:20:49,365 --> 00:20:51,065 Well, thank goodness... 493 00:20:51,462 --> 00:20:53,184 we're the sane ones. 494 00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:55,128 So... 495 00:20:55,153 --> 00:20:57,935 - Okay, now, remember: Up, and... - Uh-huh. 496 00:21:04,301 --> 00:21:06,548 - Hello, Abby. - Hey. S'up? 497 00:21:07,390 --> 00:21:08,703 Have you thought about what you're gonna do 498 00:21:08,724 --> 00:21:10,456 if they pair you with a dirty cop? 499 00:21:11,762 --> 00:21:14,577 Well, then, I would just go to Internal Affairs. 500 00:21:14,993 --> 00:21:16,675 Well, that's a good way to get killed. 501 00:21:16,933 --> 00:21:19,653 - Then at least I would die a hero. - Hmm, no, you won't. 502 00:21:20,210 --> 00:21:23,226 They'll put you in panties and then they'll plant you next to a dead prostitute. 503 00:21:23,987 --> 00:21:25,494 That's a poor lady. 504 00:21:25,513 --> 00:21:26,874 It'd be a dude. 505 00:21:27,806 --> 00:21:30,553 But it's awesome! Good luck on the exam! 506 00:21:33,776 --> 00:21:35,658 They got dude prostitutes? 507 00:21:36,409 --> 00:21:37,352 Nuh-uh. 508 00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:43,179 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther