1 00:00:02,706 --> 00:00:04,206 Jess: Hey, look who it is. 2 00:00:04,208 --> 00:00:06,275 It's schmidt. And, um... 3 00:00:06,277 --> 00:00:07,709 This is barb. Barb is leaving. 4 00:00:07,711 --> 00:00:08,911 Oh, barb. Like the elephant. 5 00:00:08,913 --> 00:00:11,180 That's babar, you dum-dum. 6 00:00:11,182 --> 00:00:14,183 Barbara. A little potassium pick-me-up? 7 00:00:14,185 --> 00:00:15,284 Since i know sleeping wasn't 8 00:00:15,286 --> 00:00:16,919 The main activity of the night. 9 00:00:16,921 --> 00:00:19,354 Thin walls. Just kidding. They're very thick. 10 00:00:19,356 --> 00:00:21,623 You're just so loud! (chuckles) 11 00:00:21,625 --> 00:00:24,359 You have a lot of roommates. So many of 'em. That's great. 12 00:00:24,361 --> 00:00:25,727 Bye, barb. Bye, barb. 13 00:00:25,729 --> 00:00:26,962 Bye, schmidt. (door shuts) 14 00:00:26,964 --> 00:00:28,797 That was the third piece of nanny 15 00:00:28,799 --> 00:00:31,033 This week, am i right? Sure is. 16 00:00:31,035 --> 00:00:33,135 Little shop talk from someone who's also out there 17 00:00:33,137 --> 00:00:35,571 Trying to crush butt herself. 18 00:00:35,573 --> 00:00:36,905 Um, where are you meeting all 19 00:00:36,907 --> 00:00:39,608 These eligible singles, these, uh, elly-sings? 20 00:00:39,610 --> 00:00:41,143 Dice. Hmm? 21 00:00:41,145 --> 00:00:43,278 It's kind of like tinder. Dice and tinder. 22 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:44,746 I've been to those bars. They're downtown, right? 23 00:00:44,748 --> 00:00:46,815 (groans) dice is a dating app. 24 00:00:46,817 --> 00:00:48,584 Dating app. It's not for you. 25 00:00:48,586 --> 00:00:50,786 What? Schmidty. 26 00:00:50,788 --> 00:00:52,888 Come on. I've internet dated before. 27 00:00:52,890 --> 00:00:56,125 You send an e-mail, you get excited, you wait, you get an e-mail back. 28 00:00:56,127 --> 00:00:58,594 You are just describing e-mailing. Come on. 29 00:00:58,596 --> 00:01:01,130 You're gonna get eaten alive on dice. Do you want to see... Come on, now. 30 00:01:01,132 --> 00:01:03,799 Do you want to see... This is dice. Come here. 31 00:01:03,801 --> 00:01:05,767 It's all about split-second decisions, okay? 32 00:01:05,769 --> 00:01:07,302 You see a picture, you swipe down for yes, 33 00:01:07,304 --> 00:01:08,804 You swipe up for no. Jess: You're so fast. 34 00:01:08,806 --> 00:01:09,938 Instinct. That's what it's about. 35 00:01:09,940 --> 00:01:11,773 Which you don't have. 36 00:01:11,775 --> 00:01:15,177 Now, i'm gonna go do a deep-ass mouthwash. 37 00:01:15,179 --> 00:01:17,179 Don't go on dice, jess. 38 00:01:17,181 --> 00:01:18,747 I won't. 39 00:01:21,252 --> 00:01:24,486 Okay, now. 40 00:01:24,488 --> 00:01:26,855 New account. 41 00:01:26,857 --> 00:01:30,292 I am... Darn tootin' fun. 42 00:01:30,294 --> 00:01:32,294 Dtf. 43 00:01:32,296 --> 00:01:34,963 Seeks same. 44 00:01:34,965 --> 00:01:37,432 I'm dicing. 45 00:01:37,434 --> 00:01:39,668 ♪ who's that girl? ♪ 46 00:01:39,670 --> 00:01:42,104 ♪ who's that girl? ♪ ♪ it's jess. ♪ 47 00:01:46,644 --> 00:01:48,210 Winston: You know, i'm really enjoying the police academy, 48 00:01:48,212 --> 00:01:50,179 But, believe it or not, 49 00:01:50,181 --> 00:01:52,347 I am not clicking socially with the other cadets. 50 00:01:52,349 --> 00:01:53,482 What? Weird. Oh, my god. 51 00:01:53,484 --> 00:01:55,317 No. That's crazy. 52 00:01:55,319 --> 00:01:57,219 That is super shocking news. I can't wrap my head around that. 53 00:01:57,221 --> 00:01:59,121 That just doesn't add up. Everyone's got a nickname but me. 54 00:01:59,123 --> 00:02:01,957 Yo, swoops! What up, gunner? (chuckles) 55 00:02:01,959 --> 00:02:04,026 Hey, winston bishop. 56 00:02:04,028 --> 00:02:05,360 Why don't you just go ask them 57 00:02:05,362 --> 00:02:06,828 If you can hang out with them sometime? 58 00:02:06,830 --> 00:02:08,230 I mean, what's the worst that could happen? 59 00:02:08,232 --> 00:02:10,666 Just invite myself? Now, that's just rude. 60 00:02:10,668 --> 00:02:13,502 Winnie the bish wasn't raised to be rude. 61 00:02:13,504 --> 00:02:16,138 Now, save my seat. I got to go make a caca. 62 00:02:16,140 --> 00:02:18,740 I can't believe we're gonna live with a cop. 63 00:02:18,742 --> 00:02:21,543 I mean, can we still do illegal things? Like, i don't know, 64 00:02:21,545 --> 00:02:23,245 What if i want to get stoned or something? 65 00:02:23,247 --> 00:02:24,580 I've actually never gotten stoned before. 66 00:02:24,582 --> 00:02:26,582 You've never been stoned? What? 67 00:02:26,584 --> 00:02:27,916 Should i do it before he becomes a cop? 68 00:02:27,918 --> 00:02:29,351 We could do this. Really? 69 00:02:29,353 --> 00:02:31,220 We're adults. We can smoke a little weed. 70 00:02:31,222 --> 00:02:32,821 I think we should do it. It's been a while. 71 00:02:32,823 --> 00:02:34,256 I pick up stuff really quick. 72 00:02:34,258 --> 00:02:36,258 You can't just pick up pot and be good at it. 73 00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:39,094 Like everything else in life, it takes practice. Yeah, if pot 74 00:02:39,096 --> 00:02:41,163 Were a piano, nick would be a nine-year-old chinese girl. 75 00:02:41,165 --> 00:02:43,365 Daddy's here to take care of you. I'm gonna guide you through it. 76 00:02:43,367 --> 00:02:45,167 I'll be your spiritual guru. 77 00:02:45,169 --> 00:02:46,835 And mommy's got nothing to do this afternoon, 78 00:02:46,837 --> 00:02:48,237 So i'm gonna bake some damn brownies 79 00:02:48,239 --> 00:02:49,504 So we can all freak out. 80 00:02:49,506 --> 00:02:51,940 Let's do it. We're getting stoned? 81 00:02:51,942 --> 00:02:54,109 This is like watching a meeting of idiot 12-year-olds. 82 00:02:54,111 --> 00:02:56,245 The hell is that? What is that noise? (ringtone playing) 83 00:02:56,247 --> 00:02:57,713 Your cellular technology. 84 00:02:57,715 --> 00:03:01,116 I haven't gotten a non-text message in two years. 85 00:03:01,118 --> 00:03:02,751 Jess? 86 00:03:02,753 --> 00:03:05,754 Hey, uh... So, i diced 87 00:03:05,756 --> 00:03:08,423 And it was great. Um, 88 00:03:08,425 --> 00:03:11,593 But could i get a ride? 89 00:03:11,595 --> 00:03:14,196 You sure you don't want to hop on for a second? 90 00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:20,102 Do you have a dog, or is this all you? 91 00:03:20,104 --> 00:03:21,703 Which would you prefer? 92 00:03:21,705 --> 00:03:23,472 (barks) 93 00:03:24,975 --> 00:03:27,776 Schmidt, will you at least just talk to me, please? 94 00:03:29,413 --> 00:03:31,113 He looked nice in his picture. 95 00:03:32,416 --> 00:03:34,149 The frame cut off the bottom of his beard, 96 00:03:34,151 --> 00:03:36,251 So how was i to know it was braided into a beardy tail? 97 00:03:36,253 --> 00:03:38,420 Mmm. He asked me 98 00:03:38,422 --> 00:03:40,255 To the food court near his house. 99 00:03:40,257 --> 00:03:42,557 I thought that was down-to-earth, and i liked that. 100 00:03:42,559 --> 00:03:43,992 He didn't bring any money, 101 00:03:43,994 --> 00:03:46,161 So we had to go back to his apartment. 102 00:03:46,163 --> 00:03:49,665 And also he wanted to show me some of his old baby clothes. 103 00:03:49,667 --> 00:03:51,633 (groans) 104 00:03:52,836 --> 00:03:54,603 Maybe i'm not ready for dice. 105 00:03:54,605 --> 00:03:56,571 Will you just help me, please? 106 00:03:56,573 --> 00:03:58,940 I want to get back out there. I have to... 107 00:03:58,942 --> 00:04:00,909 I need to get back out there. 108 00:04:00,911 --> 00:04:01,943 And i know i'm gullible. 109 00:04:01,945 --> 00:04:03,245 'cause people tell me that, 110 00:04:03,247 --> 00:04:05,213 And i have no reason not to believe them. 111 00:04:06,483 --> 00:04:08,550 Teach me to dice. 112 00:04:13,123 --> 00:04:15,457 Is that a yes? (mutters) 113 00:04:15,459 --> 00:04:17,259 Schmidt? 114 00:04:17,261 --> 00:04:19,328 What's happening? 115 00:04:21,965 --> 00:04:23,498 Ah! What the hell? 116 00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:26,001 I will teach you dice. 117 00:04:34,545 --> 00:04:36,878 Welcome and... 118 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:38,513 Good morning. 119 00:04:38,515 --> 00:04:40,816 It's weird here in the morning. It is very sad. 120 00:04:40,818 --> 00:04:42,484 Now, over the next 1,000 minutes, 121 00:04:42,486 --> 00:04:44,386 Your notions of dating will be challenged. 122 00:04:44,388 --> 00:04:46,555 Jess, just listen. No notes. I'm sorry. 123 00:04:46,557 --> 00:04:49,524 You put notebooks and pens on the table, so i thought... I totally get it. 124 00:04:49,526 --> 00:04:51,660 Look, jess, you're nervous. Would you like some water? 125 00:04:51,662 --> 00:04:53,061 Oh, thank you. Of course. 126 00:04:53,063 --> 00:04:55,130 That's really nice of... Never show weakness. 127 00:04:55,132 --> 00:04:58,533 Write that down. Now, you're on dice 128 00:04:58,535 --> 00:05:00,402 And this hunk shows up. 129 00:05:00,404 --> 00:05:02,871 Hubba hubba, mama in trubba. 130 00:05:02,873 --> 00:05:03,739 Don't ever do that again. 131 00:05:03,741 --> 00:05:05,140 Okay. So you find 132 00:05:05,142 --> 00:05:06,808 This man. He looks like a hemsworth, 133 00:05:06,810 --> 00:05:08,043 If you will. 134 00:05:08,045 --> 00:05:09,978 He swipes down, you swipe down, 135 00:05:09,980 --> 00:05:12,981 You guys set a date. I show up. 136 00:05:12,983 --> 00:05:14,816 Hey, how you doing? I'm jack steele. 137 00:05:14,818 --> 00:05:16,518 Hi, jack. (buzzing) 138 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,554 Wrong. Is that our taboo buzzer? 139 00:05:19,556 --> 00:05:21,390 Not important. Why did i buzz? Do you think you could 140 00:05:21,392 --> 00:05:23,091 Just return it to the box when you're done with it? 141 00:05:23,093 --> 00:05:25,660 The reason i buzzed is because i look nothing like this person. 142 00:05:25,662 --> 00:05:27,429 Look at this. There's a sun-kissed sweetie. 143 00:05:27,431 --> 00:05:29,164 I am a rugged semitic prince. 144 00:05:29,166 --> 00:05:31,366 I thought we were role-playing. Role-playing? 145 00:05:31,368 --> 00:05:32,834 What about this feels like a game to you? 146 00:05:32,836 --> 00:05:35,704 (buzzing) (phone chimes) 147 00:05:35,706 --> 00:05:38,073 Ooh, i got a dice match. 148 00:05:38,075 --> 00:05:39,074 Jacob. 149 00:05:39,076 --> 00:05:41,510 He has dreamy eyes. 150 00:05:41,512 --> 00:05:43,178 Them's joint-bank-account eyes. Okay, 151 00:05:43,180 --> 00:05:45,080 If you're saying things like "dreamy eyes" to my face, 152 00:05:45,082 --> 00:05:47,883 We have more work to do than the kings of leon. 153 00:05:47,885 --> 00:05:50,685 Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically. 154 00:05:50,687 --> 00:05:52,020 Well, i have a good feeling about this guy. 155 00:05:52,022 --> 00:05:52,921 Okay. I'm gonna ask him out. 156 00:05:52,923 --> 00:05:54,222 Hey. 157 00:05:54,224 --> 00:05:55,757 You're not ready yet. 158 00:05:57,461 --> 00:05:59,895 I'm s... I'm sorry about your phone. 159 00:05:59,897 --> 00:06:01,530 I'm sure you have the protection plan. 160 00:06:01,532 --> 00:06:03,031 I do have the... (buzzing) 161 00:06:03,033 --> 00:06:05,700 Never get the protection plan! 162 00:06:05,702 --> 00:06:07,636 Nick: The oceans are very wild. 163 00:06:07,638 --> 00:06:10,272 No man or piece of scientific technology 164 00:06:10,274 --> 00:06:12,607 Has ever been to the bottom of the ocean. 165 00:06:12,609 --> 00:06:14,776 Titanic did. Uh, titanic sunk down there, 166 00:06:14,778 --> 00:06:16,211 But that's not to the bottom. 167 00:06:16,213 --> 00:06:17,946 No, the man who made titanic did. 168 00:06:17,948 --> 00:06:20,382 I don't know what manhoo is, but... 169 00:06:20,384 --> 00:06:21,950 You guys seem a lot higher than me. 170 00:06:21,952 --> 00:06:24,286 Well, it hits everybody at different times, hoss. 171 00:06:24,288 --> 00:06:26,054 (door opens) but it's coming for you. 172 00:06:26,056 --> 00:06:27,889 My people! (chuckles) 173 00:06:27,891 --> 00:06:30,125 Time to rally, everybody. We are going to a party. 174 00:06:30,127 --> 00:06:32,561 I took cece's advice and decided to invite myself 175 00:06:32,563 --> 00:06:34,729 To hang out with some of the other guys, 176 00:06:34,731 --> 00:06:36,898 And i think y'all should roll with. 177 00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:38,500 Make me look cooler. 178 00:06:38,502 --> 00:06:41,269 I'll totally go to a party on your butt. 179 00:06:41,271 --> 00:06:42,103 What? 180 00:06:42,105 --> 00:06:44,105 (laughing) no. No. 181 00:06:44,107 --> 00:06:46,675 Now, that is a humorous image. 182 00:06:46,677 --> 00:06:49,811 What? 183 00:06:49,813 --> 00:06:51,913 But, seriously, you have to go. Oh, no, no, no, no. 184 00:06:51,915 --> 00:06:53,348 Know-know what? We're gonna go. 185 00:06:53,350 --> 00:06:54,449 We're gonna go. 186 00:06:54,451 --> 00:06:56,284 Okay. We're gonna go. 187 00:06:56,286 --> 00:06:58,286 We're gonna go. We're gonna go. 188 00:06:58,288 --> 00:06:59,788 You're gonna go? Hey, we're gonna go. 189 00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:01,289 We're gonna go. 190 00:07:01,291 --> 00:07:02,824 We're gonna go. Right on, right on. 191 00:07:02,826 --> 00:07:04,626 Well, then we'll go. 192 00:07:04,628 --> 00:07:06,127 (chuckling): Yeah. 193 00:07:06,129 --> 00:07:07,496 You guys are way too messed up to be going. 194 00:07:07,498 --> 00:07:09,764 You're not an expert. I am. 195 00:07:09,766 --> 00:07:11,099 Nobody knows we're stoned. 196 00:07:11,101 --> 00:07:12,467 If we didn't go, then they would know. 197 00:07:12,469 --> 00:07:13,668 You're saying that be... 198 00:07:13,670 --> 00:07:15,270 If we don't go to the party, 199 00:07:15,272 --> 00:07:16,638 They're gonna think that we're high. 200 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,807 Oh, the guy who's never done weed. 201 00:07:18,809 --> 00:07:20,675 That's not the proper term. It's "smoked weed." 202 00:07:20,677 --> 00:07:22,344 You don't "do weed." that's a test. 203 00:07:22,346 --> 00:07:24,045 You said it. Listen to me, 204 00:07:24,047 --> 00:07:26,681 First order of business, we eat their food. 205 00:07:26,683 --> 00:07:30,118 Okay. Then you look at the pool. "aw, what a great pool. 206 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:34,055 I wish... I wish i could dive for rings." 207 00:07:34,057 --> 00:07:37,626 Because if you were stoned, you wouldn't dive for rings. 208 00:07:37,628 --> 00:07:40,962 Um, i was just thinking of this impression. 209 00:07:42,499 --> 00:07:43,865 Who am i doing? 210 00:07:46,537 --> 00:07:48,403 Who am i doing? Al pacino? 211 00:07:48,405 --> 00:07:51,506 Maybe. So, then, 212 00:07:51,508 --> 00:07:53,842 You get home, you eat some pizza... 213 00:07:53,844 --> 00:07:56,378 Trust me. I just thought of every single possibility 214 00:07:56,380 --> 00:07:59,080 Of what could happen at that party, and none of them are bad. 215 00:07:59,082 --> 00:08:01,249 Ooh. Wow. 216 00:08:01,251 --> 00:08:04,819 This is a big party. I'm talking wall-to-wall cops. 217 00:08:04,821 --> 00:08:06,721 Man. 218 00:08:10,928 --> 00:08:12,894 Oh, i did not think this through. 219 00:08:12,896 --> 00:08:15,430 (giggling) 220 00:08:15,432 --> 00:08:19,000 It just hit me. 221 00:08:19,002 --> 00:08:20,402 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, 222 00:08:20,404 --> 00:08:22,003 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Be cool. 223 00:08:22,005 --> 00:08:24,406 And that is why-- no matter how tricked out it is-- 224 00:08:24,408 --> 00:08:26,074 You never get into a van. 225 00:08:26,076 --> 00:08:28,443 "no van." okay. Moving on. 226 00:08:28,445 --> 00:08:29,678 Classic warning signs. 227 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:31,046 Now, last night, the crazy man 228 00:08:31,048 --> 00:08:33,014 Said he needed to meet you near his house. 229 00:08:33,016 --> 00:08:34,683 What he was really saying was, 230 00:08:34,685 --> 00:08:36,418 "i expect tonight to end in sex." 231 00:08:36,420 --> 00:08:39,187 Or maybe he doesn't like to be far from his pets. 232 00:08:39,189 --> 00:08:41,356 Never date a man with pets. The only acceptable pet 233 00:08:41,358 --> 00:08:44,793 For a man to have is a saltwater fish. Okay, what now? 234 00:08:44,795 --> 00:08:46,595 Okay, first test. Now, i'm gonna say something, 235 00:08:46,597 --> 00:08:49,230 And you tell me what's really being said. 236 00:08:49,232 --> 00:08:51,700 Oh, you know, i'm just staying in a hotel right now. 237 00:08:51,702 --> 00:08:53,234 "i like to travel." 238 00:08:53,236 --> 00:08:55,604 (buzzing) homeless. Pervert. 239 00:08:55,606 --> 00:08:58,773 Oh, my god, my mom is just the most amazing woman. 240 00:08:58,775 --> 00:09:00,208 Oh. "i love my mother." 241 00:09:00,210 --> 00:09:01,476 (buzzing) 242 00:09:01,478 --> 00:09:04,079 Virgin. And somehow also a pervert. 243 00:09:04,081 --> 00:09:06,715 I kind of prefer public transportation. 244 00:09:06,717 --> 00:09:08,249 Oh. Earth-conscious. 245 00:09:08,251 --> 00:09:10,151 (buzzing) multiple duis. 246 00:09:10,153 --> 00:09:11,252 (buzzing) 247 00:09:11,254 --> 00:09:13,088 Pervert. 248 00:09:13,090 --> 00:09:14,589 Okay, time for the next phase. 249 00:09:14,591 --> 00:09:15,957 Next phase? Jess? 250 00:09:15,959 --> 00:09:18,893 Hi. I'm malcolm. From dice? Oh... 251 00:09:18,895 --> 00:09:20,495 Oh. 252 00:09:20,497 --> 00:09:22,497 Hi. Hey. 253 00:09:22,499 --> 00:09:24,332 She'll be with you in just a minute. 254 00:09:24,334 --> 00:09:26,134 Okay. 255 00:09:26,136 --> 00:09:28,236 You set me up on a date? I'm wearing my 256 00:09:28,238 --> 00:09:30,438 Lounge-around underwear. I set you up on ten dates. 257 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,107 What? Ten years of experience in one day. 258 00:09:32,109 --> 00:09:33,274 Expert by midnight. 259 00:09:33,276 --> 00:09:34,776 The dice diez. 260 00:09:34,778 --> 00:09:36,144 "diez" is spanish for ten. 261 00:09:36,146 --> 00:09:38,146 Are you insane, schmidt? I'm not ready. 262 00:09:38,148 --> 00:09:40,515 That's like taking a musical from rehearsals 263 00:09:40,517 --> 00:09:42,917 Straight to broadway. You got to workshop it first... 264 00:09:42,919 --> 00:09:44,352 If you are for one second suggesting 265 00:09:44,354 --> 00:09:45,820 That i don't know how to open a musical... 266 00:09:45,822 --> 00:09:47,822 How dare you? I'm trying to help you out here. 267 00:09:47,824 --> 00:09:50,125 Now, of course you're not ready, jess. 268 00:09:50,127 --> 00:09:52,594 That's why i set up ten dates. 269 00:09:52,596 --> 00:09:54,362 Now, you can do this. Come on. 270 00:09:54,364 --> 00:09:56,598 All right. 271 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,599 So... 272 00:09:57,601 --> 00:09:58,867 So. Date talk. 273 00:09:58,869 --> 00:10:00,835 Okay. (chuckles) what do you do? 274 00:10:00,837 --> 00:10:03,371 Um, well, i don't have a job, currently, right now, 275 00:10:03,373 --> 00:10:05,707 In the traditional "nine to five" sense, 276 00:10:05,709 --> 00:10:08,276 But, uh, i got a lot cooking. 277 00:10:08,278 --> 00:10:11,846 I "grow" "raisins." 278 00:10:14,284 --> 00:10:16,551 I'm sorry, malcolm, um, 279 00:10:16,553 --> 00:10:18,620 I'm gonna have to... 280 00:10:19,556 --> 00:10:20,722 (whispering): Get out of there. 281 00:10:20,724 --> 00:10:22,724 ...Let you finish that story. 282 00:10:22,726 --> 00:10:25,860 Oh, okay. I grow two types of raisins. 283 00:10:25,862 --> 00:10:27,629 There's the leopold raisin, 284 00:10:27,631 --> 00:10:29,297 Which is from austria. Mm-hmm. 285 00:10:29,299 --> 00:10:30,799 And then there's the zwiebel raisin, 286 00:10:30,801 --> 00:10:32,567 Which is also from austria. 287 00:10:36,473 --> 00:10:37,572 But i think the main thing 288 00:10:37,574 --> 00:10:38,973 That got me through my time in prison 289 00:10:38,975 --> 00:10:40,241 Was the realization 290 00:10:40,243 --> 00:10:41,910 That a "raisin" can be anything. 291 00:10:41,912 --> 00:10:43,344 We got to go! 292 00:10:43,346 --> 00:10:45,080 (in southern accent): Ma called. The bees are back. 293 00:10:45,082 --> 00:10:46,414 Ma called. The bees are back. 294 00:10:46,416 --> 00:10:48,083 Oh, okay. Um... 295 00:10:48,085 --> 00:10:49,918 Should i just... Should i wait for you? 296 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:51,986 You know that was a bad date, right? 297 00:10:51,988 --> 00:10:54,089 I know, but i just felt so trapped. 298 00:10:54,091 --> 00:10:56,658 Just do what i did, make up an excuse and then leave. 299 00:10:56,660 --> 00:10:58,827 Just-just say as little as you need to, okay? 300 00:10:58,829 --> 00:10:59,894 Make it your own. 301 00:10:59,896 --> 00:11:00,995 You ready? Yeah. 302 00:11:00,997 --> 00:11:02,230 You can do this. Okay. 303 00:11:02,232 --> 00:11:03,665 You have so much hair. What? 304 00:11:03,667 --> 00:11:04,699 Where did all that hair come from? 305 00:11:04,701 --> 00:11:05,767 You're like a lioness. 306 00:11:05,769 --> 00:11:07,402 So, did you know you could put 307 00:11:07,404 --> 00:11:09,571 A whole live chicken in your mouth and eat it 308 00:11:09,573 --> 00:11:12,574 Without plucking it or preparing it at all? 309 00:11:14,044 --> 00:11:15,543 (whispering): Keep it simple. 310 00:11:15,545 --> 00:11:16,678 Uh, let's keep it simple. 311 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:17,846 You're a nice guy, 312 00:11:17,848 --> 00:11:19,347 And that's a neat outfit. 313 00:11:19,349 --> 00:11:21,216 Are you a chef? Are you a beatnik? 314 00:11:21,218 --> 00:11:22,283 Are... Do you work on... 315 00:11:22,285 --> 00:11:23,718 On a submarine? Shh. 316 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:24,853 No! No! 317 00:11:24,855 --> 00:11:26,020 Oh. Stand down, 318 00:11:26,022 --> 00:11:27,255 Sir! We found your son. 319 00:11:27,257 --> 00:11:28,356 He's alive. 320 00:11:28,358 --> 00:11:30,191 They found my son; he's alive. 321 00:11:30,193 --> 00:11:32,560 I'm sorry. It was nice meeting you. 322 00:11:32,562 --> 00:11:34,062 Winston: All right, now, remember, 323 00:11:34,064 --> 00:11:35,196 Y'all are my dogs, okay? 324 00:11:35,198 --> 00:11:36,397 So just stay by my side 325 00:11:36,399 --> 00:11:37,799 And make me look cool. 326 00:11:37,801 --> 00:11:40,535 If i tell a joke, dogs got to bark. 327 00:11:40,537 --> 00:11:43,071 (laughs) i want to see those tails wagging out there, okay? 328 00:11:43,073 --> 00:11:44,906 Oh, okay, look. 329 00:11:44,908 --> 00:11:46,241 Look, there's dugan. There's dugan. 330 00:11:46,243 --> 00:11:49,110 That's the guy i was telling you about. Come on. 331 00:11:49,112 --> 00:11:51,146 Over there is better. 332 00:11:51,148 --> 00:11:52,247 All right. 333 00:11:52,249 --> 00:11:54,382 What? Whatever the hell that means. 334 00:11:54,384 --> 00:11:56,451 Is there a cop in the house? (laughs) 335 00:11:56,453 --> 00:11:59,087 I feel really calm. Really relaxed. 336 00:11:59,089 --> 00:12:01,156 Oh, look, a hummingbird. What the hell are you talking about? 337 00:12:01,158 --> 00:12:03,057 There's no such thing as a hummingbird. 338 00:12:03,059 --> 00:12:04,659 Birds don't hum. 339 00:12:04,661 --> 00:12:05,827 They sing. 340 00:12:05,829 --> 00:12:07,462 They basically invented singing. 341 00:12:07,464 --> 00:12:09,164 You're so high right now, man. 342 00:12:09,166 --> 00:12:11,466 You're so high, i couldn't possibly even bring you back. 343 00:12:11,468 --> 00:12:13,568 Actually, dude, i feel really good. 344 00:12:13,570 --> 00:12:15,136 Hey, hey, hey, hey, when you walk, 345 00:12:15,138 --> 00:12:16,638 You look like an insane person. 346 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:20,241 Okay? And your voice sounds so stoned and crazy. 347 00:12:20,243 --> 00:12:21,643 Say something. 348 00:12:21,645 --> 00:12:23,178 Hello, nick. 349 00:12:23,180 --> 00:12:25,113 (laughs) 350 00:12:25,115 --> 00:12:27,182 That took you, like, 20 minutes. 351 00:12:27,184 --> 00:12:29,150 "hello, nick." 352 00:12:29,152 --> 00:12:31,686 And now i'm a model and a bartender. 353 00:12:31,688 --> 00:12:33,321 But i... 354 00:12:33,323 --> 00:12:35,690 I'm not sure what's next. I feel a little lost. 355 00:12:35,692 --> 00:12:37,992 I'm not exactly sure what i'm doing with my life. 356 00:12:39,095 --> 00:12:40,195 I'm so sorry. 357 00:12:40,197 --> 00:12:41,462 What was your question again? 358 00:12:41,464 --> 00:12:43,131 I didn't ask you anything. 359 00:12:43,133 --> 00:12:45,633 You just walked up and started talking. 360 00:12:45,635 --> 00:12:47,168 So, man, i'm in the locker room, 361 00:12:47,170 --> 00:12:48,837 And i see a spider, and i'm like, 362 00:12:48,839 --> 00:12:50,138 "i hope this is charlotte's web 363 00:12:50,140 --> 00:12:51,406 And you're nice." 364 00:12:54,377 --> 00:12:55,877 You haven't seen charlotte's web? 365 00:12:55,879 --> 00:12:57,478 Charlotte's web, the, uh, cartoon. 366 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,215 The tale about the spider who was super chill and super cool. 367 00:13:00,217 --> 00:13:02,150 Then, well, series of events, she ended up dying. 368 00:13:02,152 --> 00:13:03,551 So that was sad. 369 00:13:03,553 --> 00:13:05,720 That was sad, but spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it. 370 00:13:05,722 --> 00:13:07,055 I'm sure you... You haven't seen it. 371 00:13:07,057 --> 00:13:10,692 Where are my dogs? 372 00:13:10,694 --> 00:13:13,061 I took the liberty of writing down some exit lines, 373 00:13:13,063 --> 00:13:15,463 Because obviously, you can't come up with any on your own. 374 00:13:15,465 --> 00:13:17,232 Here, take a look at those. 375 00:13:17,234 --> 00:13:18,900 I've got hockey practice? 376 00:13:18,902 --> 00:13:21,069 Sure. My boss is trying to contact me 377 00:13:21,071 --> 00:13:23,304 About a project that could save the company. 378 00:13:23,306 --> 00:13:24,239 Mm-hmm. Schmidt, 379 00:13:24,241 --> 00:13:25,573 These are such obvious rejections. 380 00:13:25,575 --> 00:13:26,908 I don't want to hurt their feelings. 381 00:13:26,910 --> 00:13:27,976 Hurt their feel... 382 00:13:27,978 --> 00:13:29,410 Do you just walk around all day 383 00:13:29,412 --> 00:13:30,645 Thinking about other people's feelings? 384 00:13:30,647 --> 00:13:31,813 Yeah. Don't you? 385 00:13:31,815 --> 00:13:33,314 No. 386 00:13:33,316 --> 00:13:34,482 How do you get anything done? 387 00:13:34,484 --> 00:13:36,484 It's hard. Okay, jess, 388 00:13:36,486 --> 00:13:38,820 How can i put this? 389 00:13:38,822 --> 00:13:41,155 You're the prize here. 390 00:13:41,157 --> 00:13:43,191 Okay? 391 00:13:43,193 --> 00:13:45,493 You are the last piece of pie, and all of these guys 392 00:13:45,495 --> 00:13:46,895 Are the fat kids in the cafeteria, 393 00:13:46,897 --> 00:13:49,330 And i can say that because i used to be fat as a truck. 394 00:13:49,332 --> 00:13:51,032 You really think i'm the last piece of pie? 395 00:13:51,034 --> 00:13:53,268 Damn right you're the last piece of pie. 396 00:13:53,270 --> 00:13:55,169 You're the best girl on dice, jess. 397 00:13:55,171 --> 00:13:57,505 And who cares what these guys are feeling? 398 00:13:57,507 --> 00:13:59,374 You know, what do you feel? 399 00:13:59,376 --> 00:14:01,509 Jess, what do you want? 400 00:14:01,511 --> 00:14:02,577 I'm the pie. 401 00:14:02,579 --> 00:14:04,212 You're the pie. I'm the pie. 402 00:14:04,214 --> 00:14:05,613 Say it again. I'm the pie. 403 00:14:05,615 --> 00:14:07,115 Say it again. I'm the pie. 404 00:14:07,117 --> 00:14:08,850 There you go. 405 00:14:08,852 --> 00:14:10,018 Who are you? 406 00:14:10,954 --> 00:14:12,520 Never really thought about that. 407 00:14:12,522 --> 00:14:13,621 Mmm. 408 00:14:13,623 --> 00:14:15,189 I'm not gay, 409 00:14:15,191 --> 00:14:18,559 But i would go crazy on michael strahan. 410 00:14:18,561 --> 00:14:23,131 A prominent u.S. Senator is trying to contact me. 411 00:14:25,101 --> 00:14:27,702 You know, i just think meryl streep is a dumb bitch. 412 00:14:27,704 --> 00:14:30,305 An important document has gone missing. 413 00:14:30,307 --> 00:14:32,373 I need to find it. 414 00:14:33,443 --> 00:14:34,709 I've been getting into a lot 415 00:14:34,711 --> 00:14:36,144 Of fist fights lately. 416 00:14:36,146 --> 00:14:37,278 Like, a lot. 417 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:38,579 More than usual. 418 00:14:38,581 --> 00:14:39,914 But, you know, 419 00:14:39,916 --> 00:14:41,749 I'm kind of enjoying them now. 420 00:14:41,751 --> 00:14:43,985 I have an acquaintance who's in jeopardy. 421 00:14:48,391 --> 00:14:49,891 Jess? 422 00:14:49,893 --> 00:14:52,293 Nope, not jess. 423 00:14:53,229 --> 00:14:55,463 Velcro shoes, pervert. 424 00:14:56,266 --> 00:14:58,333 I didn't even see those. 425 00:14:59,669 --> 00:15:02,303 I would love for you to share... 426 00:15:02,305 --> 00:15:04,605 Share... 427 00:15:04,607 --> 00:15:07,041 What you think i should do with my life. 428 00:15:09,446 --> 00:15:11,646 Am i boring you now? 429 00:15:11,648 --> 00:15:13,715 Officer, can i read you your rights? 430 00:15:15,018 --> 00:15:18,152 You have the right to remain hugged. 431 00:15:18,154 --> 00:15:19,487 (laughter) 432 00:15:19,489 --> 00:15:21,189 Oh, no, coach! 433 00:15:21,191 --> 00:15:22,824 And you have the right to remain sweet. 434 00:15:22,826 --> 00:15:24,025 (laughter) 435 00:15:24,027 --> 00:15:25,994 Run! Diversion! 436 00:15:25,996 --> 00:15:28,162 Run! Run! Now! Now! Uh, du...? Whoa. Hold on! 437 00:15:28,164 --> 00:15:30,331 What's with your friends, winston bishop? 438 00:15:30,333 --> 00:15:33,334 They kicked over the grill, and then they ran that way. 439 00:15:33,336 --> 00:15:34,769 Yeah... I know. 440 00:15:35,872 --> 00:15:38,039 Wow. Last date. 441 00:15:38,041 --> 00:15:39,807 It's a big moment. 442 00:15:39,809 --> 00:15:42,877 Oh, my god, is that who i think it is? 443 00:15:42,879 --> 00:15:45,113 I give you dreamy eyes jacob. 444 00:15:45,115 --> 00:15:46,881 Happy dice birthday, jess. 445 00:15:46,883 --> 00:15:49,217 You're ready for this. Now, go get him. 446 00:15:49,219 --> 00:15:51,619 Thank you, sir. 447 00:15:51,621 --> 00:15:53,054 Jess: Wait a minute. 448 00:15:53,056 --> 00:15:55,223 Are you from portland? The jolly cow creamery. 449 00:15:55,225 --> 00:15:57,191 Yeah, i used to work there summers in high school. 450 00:15:57,193 --> 00:15:59,460 No way. I'm from portland, too. Are you serious? 451 00:15:59,462 --> 00:16:01,462 Yes. I used to go there all the time in high school. 452 00:16:01,464 --> 00:16:02,964 Oh, my god. That's so funny. 453 00:16:02,966 --> 00:16:04,799 (laughter) 454 00:16:06,569 --> 00:16:08,369 Yeah, i hope you like this place. 455 00:16:08,371 --> 00:16:10,304 I live, like, right across the street, so... 456 00:16:12,742 --> 00:16:15,143 Oh. (clears throat) i get it. 457 00:16:15,145 --> 00:16:17,578 You asked me here because 458 00:16:17,580 --> 00:16:19,881 You want me to go home with you. Wait. What? 459 00:16:19,883 --> 00:16:21,549 No. Um, you know what? I got to go. 460 00:16:21,551 --> 00:16:23,084 I have hockey practice. 461 00:16:23,086 --> 00:16:24,986 I'm center wing, so they really need me. I... Wow. 462 00:16:24,988 --> 00:16:27,355 Okay, i just live across the street. 463 00:16:27,357 --> 00:16:30,825 I'm not some weirdo trying to lure you back to my apartment. 464 00:16:30,827 --> 00:16:32,660 I thought we were kind of hitting it off. 465 00:16:32,662 --> 00:16:34,996 Guess you just make a snap decision, 466 00:16:34,998 --> 00:16:36,697 And then that's it, so... 467 00:16:36,699 --> 00:16:39,000 All right, well, have a good practice. 468 00:16:39,002 --> 00:16:43,571 And by the way, there's no center wing in hockey. 469 00:16:47,343 --> 00:16:48,843 The dice diez! 470 00:16:48,845 --> 00:16:49,977 You did it! 471 00:16:50,947 --> 00:16:52,680 This thing is on! 472 00:16:52,682 --> 00:16:54,348 How do you open it? 473 00:16:54,350 --> 00:16:57,018 Oh, wow. This isn't even champagne. 474 00:16:57,020 --> 00:16:59,187 Look, it's a super fancy salad dressing. 475 00:16:59,189 --> 00:17:00,688 That is delightful. 476 00:17:05,929 --> 00:17:08,729 We are celebrating-- me and you. Jess, you can have whatever 477 00:17:08,731 --> 00:17:10,898 You want on the menu. They got pizza, gelato, 478 00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:12,700 Tikka masala. 479 00:17:12,702 --> 00:17:14,702 A raw bar. This place is doing too much. 480 00:17:14,704 --> 00:17:17,071 They can't be doing all this right. What's wrong with you? 481 00:17:17,073 --> 00:17:18,606 I just don't understand how 482 00:17:18,608 --> 00:17:20,908 What we did today is gonna help me find love. 483 00:17:20,910 --> 00:17:22,577 Love? 484 00:17:22,579 --> 00:17:23,945 Well, why would you want to fall in love? 485 00:17:23,947 --> 00:17:25,746 Why else would i go on dates? 486 00:17:25,748 --> 00:17:28,449 The point of dating is just to keep on dating, 487 00:17:28,451 --> 00:17:30,384 And then never stop. 488 00:17:30,386 --> 00:17:32,453 It's like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist. 489 00:17:32,455 --> 00:17:34,755 No. Schmidt, the whole point 490 00:17:34,757 --> 00:17:38,392 Of going on dates is to fall in love and have a relationship. 491 00:17:38,394 --> 00:17:41,095 Like, don't you ever worry that you're missing out? 492 00:17:41,097 --> 00:17:44,265 I mean, you're plowing through all these girls, 493 00:17:44,267 --> 00:17:48,102 And some of 'em might be great, but you'll never know. 494 00:17:48,104 --> 00:17:50,571 Do you want to go through life that way? 495 00:17:51,808 --> 00:17:54,008 Yeah. 496 00:17:54,010 --> 00:17:56,711 I don't. 497 00:18:02,519 --> 00:18:05,019 Oh, hey, yeah. I'll take the, um... 498 00:18:05,021 --> 00:18:06,988 The rock shrimp meatballs. 499 00:18:06,990 --> 00:18:08,856 What is this place? 500 00:18:08,858 --> 00:18:10,458 (shushing) 501 00:18:10,460 --> 00:18:13,161 I think my life is going nowhere. 502 00:18:13,163 --> 00:18:14,662 Oh. Mmm. 503 00:18:14,664 --> 00:18:16,831 No, cece. It's wonderful here. 504 00:18:16,833 --> 00:18:18,166 Do you like to learn? 505 00:18:18,168 --> 00:18:19,634 I do. 506 00:18:19,636 --> 00:18:21,169 I see you going back to school. 507 00:18:21,171 --> 00:18:24,305 I see it, too. Yes, yes. 508 00:18:24,307 --> 00:18:26,340 I don't see it. Yes. 509 00:18:26,342 --> 00:18:28,843 She's a bartender. How is she gonna pay for it? 510 00:18:28,845 --> 00:18:32,113 (cece and coach hum "pomp and circumstance") she's not very good at it. 511 00:18:32,115 --> 00:18:34,215 (all humming "pomp and circumstance") 512 00:18:34,217 --> 00:18:36,284 (beatboxing) 513 00:18:38,521 --> 00:18:39,453 On the floor! Shut up! 514 00:18:39,455 --> 00:18:43,391 (yelling, overlapping chatter) 515 00:18:43,393 --> 00:18:45,226 (shouting and yelling) cece: Get the dog! 516 00:18:45,228 --> 00:18:48,029 Get down on the ground! Yeah, and stay down! No! 517 00:18:48,031 --> 00:18:49,897 (indistinct, overlapping chatter) cece: I'm a student! 518 00:18:49,899 --> 00:18:51,732 Both of you, butts up. I'm trying. 519 00:18:51,734 --> 00:18:53,067 I'm trying. 520 00:18:53,069 --> 00:18:57,405 (laughter) 521 00:18:57,407 --> 00:18:59,040 See, i see you guys were high, 522 00:18:59,042 --> 00:19:02,076 So i got these guys to come and mess with you. 523 00:19:02,078 --> 00:19:04,145 (laughter) 524 00:19:04,147 --> 00:19:05,746 Let's go, man. 525 00:19:05,748 --> 00:19:07,982 Let's never do drugs again. 526 00:19:07,984 --> 00:19:10,151 That was a lot of fun... Toilet. 527 00:19:10,153 --> 00:19:12,420 "toilet." is that... Is that my nickname? 528 00:19:12,422 --> 00:19:14,021 Dugan: Yeah, 'cause living with these guys, 529 00:19:14,023 --> 00:19:16,991 You got to put up with a lot of crap. Lot of crap. (laughs) 530 00:19:16,993 --> 00:19:17,992 Dugan: Let's get a beer. 531 00:19:17,994 --> 00:19:21,596 Thank you very much. 532 00:19:21,598 --> 00:19:23,598 Flush, flush, what's the rush? 533 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:24,932 Toilet's coming! 534 00:19:24,934 --> 00:19:26,434 You guys want to go back in? 535 00:19:26,436 --> 00:19:28,069 Yeah. Yeah. 536 00:19:29,038 --> 00:19:31,272 Thanks for coming back. Sure. 537 00:19:31,274 --> 00:19:33,507 Look, i'm... I'm really sorry. 538 00:19:33,509 --> 00:19:35,876 Um, i was... I don't know where to begin. 539 00:19:35,878 --> 00:19:38,045 Uh, my roommate taught me all of these 540 00:19:38,047 --> 00:19:40,047 Phony excuses to get out of dates. 541 00:19:40,049 --> 00:19:43,351 Wow. Anyway, that is not me. 542 00:19:43,353 --> 00:19:45,386 Okay. So... 543 00:19:45,388 --> 00:19:47,521 Will you give me another chance to get to know you? 544 00:19:47,523 --> 00:19:49,023 Yeah. 545 00:19:49,025 --> 00:19:50,458 Let's go back in and get a drink. 546 00:19:50,460 --> 00:19:51,959 Yes. Great. 547 00:19:51,961 --> 00:19:55,596 Hey, uh, you know, we can just make that last date disappear. 548 00:19:55,598 --> 00:19:58,866 Like... This coin. 549 00:20:04,607 --> 00:20:06,307 (laughing): Oh. 550 00:20:06,309 --> 00:20:08,075 You're a magician. 551 00:20:08,077 --> 00:20:09,744 No. Ugh. No. 552 00:20:09,746 --> 00:20:11,746 I'm a comedy magician. 553 00:20:11,748 --> 00:20:14,282 Even better. 554 00:20:14,284 --> 00:20:16,284 And, like a lot of people in comedy, 555 00:20:16,286 --> 00:20:19,587 I have a little problem with, uh... Nose candy. 556 00:20:19,589 --> 00:20:21,489 Uh-oh. 557 00:20:23,993 --> 00:20:25,726 Can't have this. It's my last one. 558 00:20:25,728 --> 00:20:26,761 (laughing): No... 559 00:20:26,763 --> 00:20:27,762 I'm kidding. Take it. 560 00:20:27,764 --> 00:20:28,929 I don't want it. Please take it. 561 00:20:28,931 --> 00:20:29,930 No, you take it. 562 00:20:29,932 --> 00:20:31,732 Okay. Let's go in. 563 00:20:33,603 --> 00:20:35,503 (quietly): Schmidt? 564 00:20:35,505 --> 00:20:38,406 I totally didn't think i'd ever hear from you again. 565 00:20:38,408 --> 00:20:40,675 Well, you know, i just figured, 566 00:20:40,677 --> 00:20:42,443 Why not see if there's something here? 567 00:20:42,445 --> 00:20:44,645 You know, let's hang out, get to know each other. 568 00:20:44,647 --> 00:20:46,614 There's a coffee place down the street. 569 00:20:46,616 --> 00:20:50,217 Maybe we could go... Grab a cup of joe. 570 00:20:51,287 --> 00:20:53,354 I don't think you understand dice. 571 00:20:54,657 --> 00:20:56,157 Okay. 572 00:20:56,159 --> 00:20:58,159 (door closes) 573 00:20:58,161 --> 00:21:00,161 Schmidt: Jessica! 574 00:21:01,331 --> 00:21:03,464 I'm late to officiate a giant's wedding, 575 00:21:03,466 --> 00:21:04,799 And these are stuck. 576 00:21:04,801 --> 00:21:06,233 (jacob giggles) 577 00:21:08,504 --> 00:21:10,004 Now the rings are free, 578 00:21:10,006 --> 00:21:12,340 But the groom is imprisoned forever. 579 00:21:13,476 --> 00:21:15,509 I know how he feels. You know what they say. 580 00:21:15,511 --> 00:21:18,012 You got to crack a few eggs to, uh... 581 00:21:18,014 --> 00:21:19,747 Make an amish. 582 00:21:20,950 --> 00:21:22,216 It's an egg. 583 00:21:22,218 --> 00:21:23,951 It's an amish person. 584 00:21:23,953 --> 00:21:26,220 My uncle is on fire. 585 00:21:26,222 --> 00:21:28,689 So, you've seen a rabbit pulled out of a hat, 586 00:21:28,691 --> 00:21:32,460 But have you ever seen a hat pulled out of a rabbit? 587 00:21:33,563 --> 00:21:34,862 No, no! 588 00:21:34,864 --> 00:21:36,831 Oh, my... Okay, this date is over. 589 00:21:36,833 --> 00:21:40,434 Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.Wgbh.Org