1
00:00:01,500 --> 00:00:04,436
Friends, ex-girlfriend,
Winston,
2
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,671
months ago I warned you
that winter was coming.
3
00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:08,239
And for the cold and wretched
days ahead,
4
00:00:08,241 --> 00:00:10,008
I stressed our need
to take lovers
5
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,010
and take them quickly.
JESS:
Your head is huge.
6
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,411
(chuckles)
Your hat's
7
00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:14,879
the size of a garbage can.
8
00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:17,082
NICK:
You look great in that hat, man.
What a hunk.
9
00:00:17,084 --> 00:00:18,783
JESS:
You look like Jewish Pharrell.
10
00:00:18,785 --> 00:00:20,452
Th-Thank you very much.
I appreciate it. Okay.
11
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:22,053
Now, winter is now here.
12
00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:24,456
And I vow that we will not miss
13
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:28,126
our final opportunity
for sexual realization in 2014.
Did you steal
14
00:00:28,128 --> 00:00:29,594
my belt buckle,
you Silly Billy?
15
00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:30,628
Enough out of you, Winston!
16
00:00:30,630 --> 00:00:32,363
Silly Billy? Dude.
17
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,699
If you unzipped your face and
an old white woman popped out,
18
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,067
I would not be shocked.
19
00:00:36,069 --> 00:00:37,569
Really?
- No.
20
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,104
I would.
- I would be very surprised.
21
00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:40,872
That is why this year
we will not
22
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,540
be celebrating Thanksgiving.
23
00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:44,776
Instead, we will
be celebrating...
24
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,811
Remember last Thanksgiving
when I almost died?
25
00:00:46,813 --> 00:00:49,214
(others agreeing, chattering)
26
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:51,816
...Bangsgiving! We'll be
celebrating Bangsgiving!
27
00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:54,819
Why can't you let me just have
this, you guys? Please.
28
00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:57,555
Okay. You've been talking about
this for, like, a week, Schmidt.
29
00:00:57,557 --> 00:00:59,424
We get it. Let's just
pick names already.
- Jess,
30
00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:01,793
I can't believe that you are
into Bangsgiving.
31
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:04,062
I just want to meet a guy
so I can forget about Ryan.
32
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,630
Just date him, Jess.
'Cause I'm his boss,
33
00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:07,298
and it's against the rules
for me to date him.
34
00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:08,833
Just date him. It's a dumb rule.
35
00:01:08,835 --> 00:01:10,635
It's against the rules.
Take the hat.
36
00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:13,271
Oh.
- Now, whosever name
you pick, that's who
37
00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:14,639
you'll be bringing a date for.
38
00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:16,908
And no date leaves
until everyone is laid.
39
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,309
I just want
to meet a nice fella.
40
00:01:18,311 --> 00:01:19,777
Can I have permission
to send them home
41
00:01:19,779 --> 00:01:21,146
without sex?
No, you do not.
42
00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:22,514
I think everybody's date
should be able to leave.
43
00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:23,515
NICK:
Yeah, your plan
44
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:24,916
sounds a little kidnappy.
45
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,117
What's the rule
on that, Winston?
46
00:01:26,119 --> 00:01:27,585
Eh, gray area. We're good.
47
00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:30,021
Winston is in. My man.
And, okay, nobody say
48
00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:32,423
who you picked.
It'll ruin the surprise.
49
00:01:35,027 --> 00:01:36,928
Oh, crap.
You picked me.
50
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,197
No! How'd you know?
- And now
51
00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:40,798
you're gonna set me up
with you, aren't you?
52
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,133
Cece, I-I know that this holiday
53
00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:44,002
is a bittersweet memory
for your people,
54
00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:45,670
but, please, do not
take that out on me.
Wrong kind of Indian.
55
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,338
Okay, well, I picked you, too,
so I want to re-pick.
56
00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:48,640
No re-picking.
And no more telling.
57
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:51,609
So, listen up, uh,
for whoever picked me,
58
00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:54,345
I just want you to know
that I have really gotten
into feet lately,
59
00:01:54,347 --> 00:01:57,282
so do with that what you will.
No one do anything
with that.
60
00:01:57,284 --> 00:02:00,018
Can I just say
no mustaches?
I'd like someone tall.
61
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,853
She's got to have an ass.
Can I just reiterate
the whole feet thing?
62
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:03,821
I want to say
who I picked so bad.
63
00:02:03,823 --> 00:02:05,623
I'm looking for a fake redhead.
With a medium-sized neck.
64
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:09,294
I just want
to be slapped around.
65
00:02:17,136 --> 00:02:20,138
So, Pearl, I told Winston
that you work at my school.
66
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,373
And, um, Winston is about
to become a cop,
67
00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:24,909
which you've probably
already gathered from the fact
68
00:02:24,911 --> 00:02:27,212
that he pinned his badge
to his sport coat.
69
00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:28,880
What?
(chuckles)
70
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:30,682
How did that
get there?
71
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,016
Let me freshen your drink.
(chuckles)
72
00:02:32,018 --> 00:02:33,818
Excuse me a second.
73
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,020
(whispering):
Hey, Coach. Coach.
74
00:02:36,022 --> 00:02:37,522
Look at what Jess brought me.
75
00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:38,923
Oh, Pearl?
Yeah, she's great, man.
76
00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:40,425
Hey, come here.
You got something on your face.
77
00:02:40,427 --> 00:02:42,160
Really? What is it? Ow.
It's, like, right...
78
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,161
What were you thinking,
bringing me that girl
79
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,195
from the police academy?
80
00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:45,196
What's wrong with Pepper?
81
00:02:45,198 --> 00:02:46,564
Allow me...
82
00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:48,366
(chuckles)
Arms!
83
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:50,535
She's jacked, dude.
You should've warned me
84
00:02:50,537 --> 00:02:52,570
you were setting me up with one
of the Guardians of the Galaxy.
85
00:02:52,572 --> 00:02:54,372
I'm sure she's not that bad.
86
00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:56,207
Whoa.
87
00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:57,875
Where was she
when I was cracking walnuts
88
00:02:57,877 --> 00:02:59,177
for the stuffing?
- Look,
89
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,178
she's fantastic.
She's beautiful.
90
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,079
You're gonna love her.
91
00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:02,213
Now, if you jerks
92
00:03:02,215 --> 00:03:03,615
will excuse me, this Bishop's
93
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,350
got to capture himself a queen.
94
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,684
She's doing push-ups.
95
00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:08,853
For your lady.
96
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,088
Thank you.
Thank you very much, Jess.
97
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:12,457
Pearl, she's...
Yeah, she's great.
98
00:03:12,459 --> 00:03:15,159
What grade does she teach?
Oh, she doesn't teach.
She's the lunch lady.
99
00:03:17,463 --> 00:03:20,465
(chuckles)
You said the lunch lady?
Yeah.
100
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:23,901
So where exactly
is this "date" of mine?
101
00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:26,571
All right, I invited Lucy,
like you asked.
102
00:03:26,573 --> 00:03:28,039
Your date's name is Geoff
103
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,607
and he will be here.
By the way,
104
00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:32,143
he spells Geoff with a "G,"
so you know he comes from money.
105
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,611
NICK: Well, I think
the real difference is
106
00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:35,079
crocodiles
are man-eaters
107
00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:38,283
and alligators...
What in the bloody hell?
108
00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:42,220
Uh, hey, Nick.
What is Tran doing here?
109
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,489
Oh, well,
I picked my own name.
110
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:46,658
So you said to bring somebody.
So I thought it'd be weird
111
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,226
if I didn't bring someone.
So I just brought Tran.
112
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,794
You brought an old Asian man
to my sex party
113
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,229
so it wouldn't be weird?
114
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,564
Relax.
He didn't come empty-handed.
115
00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:57,135
He brought a game.
It's like Thailand Monopoly.
116
00:03:57,137 --> 00:04:00,238
Yeah, all the squares are jail
except for one piece of property
117
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,140
which we all have
to fight each other for.
118
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:04,275
But don't get caught
in the Red Light District.
119
00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:06,611
This isn't
a freaking game night, Nick.
Okay, chill out.
120
00:04:06,613 --> 00:04:09,280
(knocking)
You... You're making a mockery
of this holiday and you know it.
121
00:04:09,282 --> 00:04:10,682
I didn't mean
to make fun of Thailand,
122
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:12,350
if that's
where you're from even.
123
00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:15,253
Hey.
- Lucy.
124
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,255
It's so good to see you.
How are you?
125
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:20,525
Oh, I'm great.
- Lucy? Lucy's here
with Schmidt?
126
00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:22,860
Where's my set-up, already?
I'm looking at the menu,
127
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:24,796
and I see a lot of skirt
but no steak.
128
00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:26,664
I think that Coach picked you,
so watch out.
129
00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:28,833
'Cause I'm sure he's gonna bring
one of his clients
130
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:30,802
or weird, like, gym buddies.
131
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,670
(whispering):
Ryan.
132
00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:34,439
What?
Ryan. Ryan.
133
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,941
Ryan-Ryan?
He brought Ryan. Oh, God.
134
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,276
I don't think I can
even look at him,
135
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,944
like, without
getting pregnant.
136
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,013
He just oozes sex.
137
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:44,649
Good holiday to you!
I've come with biscuits!
138
00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:46,551
(groaning)
139
00:04:48,787 --> 00:04:51,789
Hey, hey, hey, Schmidt,
Lucy? I-I used to date Lucy.
140
00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:54,359
Oh, I know, bro.
I met her that day you gave
me the pass to your gym.
141
00:04:55,327 --> 00:04:57,261
Hey, do you have any snacks?!
142
00:04:59,031 --> 00:05:00,832
Yeah, you blew her off. I didn't
think it would be a problem.
143
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,233
Oh, it's a problem.
I'm telling you it's a problem.
144
00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:03,334
And I forbid you
from dating her,
145
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,136
so...
(whistles) cut it off.
146
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:08,806
Grounds?
The statute of limitation
hasn't expired.
147
00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:10,208
You dated her three years ago
148
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,709
for, like,
two and a half months.
149
00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:14,045
The statute is very specific.
1,000 showers.
150
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,813
After that, no claim.
And if you think
151
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:18,583
I've showered 1,000 times
in the past three years,
152
00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:20,318
then you're out of your mind.
153
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,720
Did you ever spend more than $65
on her, not including tip?
154
00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:24,822
It's tough. There were a
lot of coupons involved.
Did you ever watch her dog?
155
00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:26,657
Trick question: she had fish
and I killed them.
156
00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:27,525
You ever get her a gift?
157
00:05:27,527 --> 00:05:29,193
Every time we had sex.
158
00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:31,829
(laughs)
No claim.
- (laughs) No claim?
159
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:33,398
Hi, Nick.
It's been a long time.
160
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,033
Lucille.
Great to see you.
161
00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:39,337
Do you still like to
eat, uh... popcorn?
162
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:42,273
I guess so.
Oh, you see that?
I know her foods.
163
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:44,542
You must
have spoiled her, huh?
164
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:46,911
You know, if you'll excuse us,
I'm gonna give Lucy the tour.
165
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:48,246
Come on, Lucy.
166
00:05:49,548 --> 00:05:52,750
I'm calling
my penis "the tour."
167
00:05:52,752 --> 00:05:55,186
My tour's more satisfying.
168
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:58,556
His is all about him.
Mine's about you sometimes.
169
00:05:58,558 --> 00:05:59,891
Hi.
170
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:01,793
Hi. Uh, thanks
for inviting me tonight.
171
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,228
I-I didn't realize
this was a singles party.
172
00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:06,063
Oh. No. Uh, s-sorry.
173
00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:08,466
Did Coach say that
with a Sean Connery accent?
174
00:06:08,468 --> 00:06:10,635
Did he say "shingles"?
'Cause he was...
175
00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:13,805
He actually meant shingles.
Like the... like...
176
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,541
Everybody here
is a-a roofer.
177
00:06:21,146 --> 00:06:24,916
Look, the last time
I saw you, I kissed you.
178
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:27,485
I know that. We both know that.
179
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:29,120
Mm.
But this can't happen.
180
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:30,721
Are we attracted
to each other?
181
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,557
Yes. Do I sing Oasis songs
to myself and pretend
182
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:35,493
that they were inspired
by your love for me? I do.
183
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:37,628
But my job is to
enforce the rules.
184
00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:39,964
And I love my job. And
I worked hard to get it.
185
00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:41,466
So this cannot happen.
186
00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:42,900
Is that why you've locked me
in your bedroom
187
00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:44,569
and undone the top button
on your dress?
188
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,637
I didn't undo the t...
189
00:06:48,507 --> 00:06:50,842
Well, I did.
190
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:54,512
But that was an accident.
That wasn't for you.
191
00:06:55,414 --> 00:06:57,482
It was for me.
192
00:06:59,251 --> 00:07:01,686
I just need to know that you
will respect the rules
193
00:07:01,688 --> 00:07:04,021
and that this
will go no further.
194
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:05,556
I'll do my best.
195
00:07:06,458 --> 00:07:08,593
Looks like you missed a few.
196
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,728
What?
197
00:07:14,132 --> 00:07:15,266
Okay, I summoned
everyone to the roof
198
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,467
because Bangsgiving is in peril.
199
00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:17,835
All of you are focusing
on things
200
00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:19,303
that have nothing
to do with getting laid.
201
00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:21,472
Let us please not repeat
the mistakes that we made
202
00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:23,207
at my Eight Nights
of Hump-akah party.
203
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:25,710
Now, what is
the freakin' problem?
204
00:07:25,712 --> 00:07:27,645
Coach did the opposite
of what I asked.
205
00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:29,447
Come on, Jess, you guys
would be great together.
206
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,549
It's a dumb rule,
all right?
- Dumb rule.
207
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:32,984
At least he turns you on.
Pepper makes my ding-dong
208
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,719
and my ping-pongs
go into my body.
209
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:36,454
Can somebody help
me with this keg?
210
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,689
Yeah, sure.
Pepper's got it.
211
00:07:38,691 --> 00:07:42,393
(grunts)
212
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:44,529
What if she doesn't know
her own strength down there, and
213
00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:46,664
Be a nightmare.
- she mushes it, or,
like, rips it off
214
00:07:46,666 --> 00:07:48,232
and throws it across the room
like a hot dog?
215
00:07:48,234 --> 00:07:50,401
That's nothing. Jess brought me
a hot lunch lady.
216
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:52,403
What am I supposed
to do with that?
217
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,505
Do sex with
the lunch lady.
218
00:07:54,507 --> 00:07:55,907
Wait.
- That's obvious.
I have a real...
219
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,742
I know how it sounds.
I know how it sounds,
220
00:07:57,744 --> 00:08:00,044
but she's a... like,
a real lunch lady.
- That's hot.
- No.
221
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:01,712
A woman that's willing,
ready and able...
NICK: That's not an issue.
222
00:08:01,714 --> 00:08:03,648
After she has sex with you,
she can put food in your mouth.
223
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,249
That's not a problem at all.
I do have a real problem.
224
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:07,818
Schmidt is trying to sleep with
a woman I've already slept with.
225
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:11,322
Well, at least he has a date,
because mine never showed up.
226
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,224
Geoff is coming! Apparently,
a wild peacock got loose
227
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:14,892
on the freeway,
and is holding up traffic.
228
00:08:14,894 --> 00:08:17,528
Now, you guys,
we have guests downstairs.
229
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:21,232
And if we don't get back to them
soon, they're gonna get spooked.
230
00:08:23,569 --> 00:08:26,837
Um, so, have you always
been from England?
231
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:30,074
I'm not going downstairs
232
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:31,509
until Schmidt agrees
to not sleep with Lucy.
233
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,010
Okay, yeah, sure. Never!
234
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,712
According to the statute,
235
00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:37,114
if you two can't agree,
we take it to a vote.
236
00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:39,183
The winner gets the
girl, the loser
237
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:40,851
gets five grilled
cheese sandwiches.
238
00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:42,019
NICK:
I'll agree to that.
Let's do it.
239
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,854
All right, all those in favor
240
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,757
of Schmidt not sleeping with
Lucy, raise your hand now.
241
00:08:46,759 --> 00:08:47,692
I don't care.
Couldn't care less.
242
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:48,626
Raise 'em up.
243
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:50,928
Put 'em up.
244
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,763
Huzzah! Warning: tonight
things will get loud with Lucy.
245
00:08:52,765 --> 00:08:55,132
But don't worry. I'll have her
jam a sock in my mouth
246
00:08:55,134 --> 00:08:56,634
right before I see angels.
247
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:59,370
Okay, guys, what
about me?
- Get your own sock.
248
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,372
No. What am I gonna do
about Ryan?
249
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,040
Just have sex with him.
250
00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:04,909
Look, bang one out,
get it out of your system.
251
00:09:04,911 --> 00:09:06,711
I don't do that.
You should do that.
252
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,212
You should bang one out.
Yeah, makes
the most sense.
253
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:09,914
What?!
- Nothing else has worked,
okay, and the best way
254
00:09:09,916 --> 00:09:12,550
to get over a crush is just
to do something about it.
255
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:16,053
I don't know.
Plus, he's British, so you know
the sex will be weirdly polite.
256
00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:18,623
(with British accent):
Do you mind if I finish now?
257
00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:20,391
He doesn't sound
like Oliver Twist.
258
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,326
(British accent):
Do you like that?
Is that good, eh?
259
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:25,229
All right. Here we go.
260
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,632
One-- really? Two-- what?
261
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:29,400
(indistinct British mumbling)
262
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,669
Hey, you like it
when I do it like that, eh?
263
00:09:31,671 --> 00:09:32,837
That was spot-on.
264
00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:34,271
All those in favor
265
00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:36,240
of Jess doing Ryan,
raise your hand.
266
00:09:42,247 --> 00:09:44,081
(talking quietly)
267
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:45,783
Oh, he's trying
to mess with me?
268
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:48,152
Here I go.
269
00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:52,923
Cecilia.
270
00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:54,592
No, you cannot
have my beer.
271
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:55,993
(laughs)
272
00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:57,361
NICK: You think I'm going
after the beer.
273
00:09:57,363 --> 00:09:58,796
You okay?
- Mm.
274
00:09:58,798 --> 00:10:00,865
Okay, great.
275
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:03,434
(groans)
276
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,102
(talks quietly)
277
00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:06,737
(phone buzzing)
278
00:10:11,443 --> 00:10:12,943
(gasps)
279
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:14,879
Happy Bangsgiving.
280
00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:16,747
(whispers):
Close the door.
281
00:10:17,949 --> 00:10:20,551
Oh, my God.
282
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:23,020
Is there nothing
underneath that apron?
283
00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:26,657
Just a little white meat
looking for some gravy.
284
00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:29,860
That probably wasn't very sexy.
I shouldn't have said that!
285
00:10:29,862 --> 00:10:31,962
No, it was very becoming.
286
00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:34,899
I'm totally confused
about these oven mitts.
287
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:37,902
How else am I supposed to take
a hot dish out of the oven?
288
00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:40,037
These mitts were a bad idea.
289
00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:45,076
What, uh, got you in the-the,
uh, holiday, uh, sp-spirit?
290
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:47,745
Well, I like you, you like me.
291
00:10:47,747 --> 00:10:51,315
Why don't we just...
bang one out of our system?
292
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,651
Bang one out
of our system?
293
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,654
It sounds really bad.
I get that.
294
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,189
And I hear it now,
it sounds awful.
295
00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:01,826
But we just bang one
out of our system, and then,
296
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:04,495
we can go back to our strictly
professional relationship,
297
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:07,164
and I can stop thinking about
you all the time, which I do.
298
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:08,999
I didn't come here
to bang one out.
299
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:10,601
Well, you know what I mean.
300
00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:11,869
Look...
- I care about you.
301
00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:13,404
Well...
- Jess, I'm crazy about you.
302
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,773
Ryan, look. Oh, God,
it's so complicated.
303
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:17,875
Can I just put some pants on
when we talk about this?
304
00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:19,376
It is complicated.
305
00:11:19,378 --> 00:11:21,946
This would have been worth it.
306
00:11:21,948 --> 00:11:23,781
Oh, God. Ryan. Ryan!
307
00:11:23,783 --> 00:11:25,216
Oh, God!
308
00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:26,617
NICK:
Oh! Yeah!
309
00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:28,753
(hooting, whooping
and overlapping chatter)
310
00:11:28,755 --> 00:11:31,455
SCHMIDT:
Oh, no!
311
00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:34,091
Freaking Bangsgiving.
312
00:11:37,629 --> 00:11:40,164
SCHMIDT:
No, I actually put those
in there myself.
313
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,367
I'll tell you, I wouldn't
eat asparagus though.
314
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:44,568
It makes your pee smell.
315
00:11:44,570 --> 00:11:45,503
(laughs)
- Mmm.
316
00:11:47,906 --> 00:11:50,775
Hey, Cece, I got
that $20 I owe you.
317
00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:53,144
It's, uh... it's
in my bedroom.
318
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:55,579
Okay.
319
00:11:55,581 --> 00:11:57,648
Yeah, it's right this way.
320
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:05,289
You're really
sexy for a Jew.
321
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:07,725
Not now, woman!
322
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,727
Wait. What?
323
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,062
Who needs men?
You don't need a man.
324
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:14,298
You can lift your
own furniture.
- Hey, Pepper.
325
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,168
Oh, God.
- Oh, my God,
are you okay?
326
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:20,738
I am so sorry.
You approached my blind spot.
(Coach groans)
327
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,107
Your money's in here somewhere.
Let me just find it, okay?
Oh, great.
328
00:12:23,109 --> 00:12:25,009
Oh!
329
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:26,477
What's wrong? You hurt yourself?
330
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,345
No. It's just not there.
Uh, let me.
331
00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:29,847
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
332
00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:31,448
Ooh. Ooh,
that feels so good!
333
00:12:31,450 --> 00:12:33,784
When I'm looking for your money,
it feels so good.
334
00:12:33,786 --> 00:12:36,487
(laughing):
Oh! I love that!
335
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,255
You're a nasty woman!
336
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:39,990
'Cause you're making me
give the money to you.
337
00:12:39,992 --> 00:12:41,425
Nick...
338
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,594
Oh, Cece, you love this!
Getting your money.
339
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,096
What exactly are you
doing right now?
- (whispers):
I'm getting your money.
340
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:47,498
You're definitely
not getting my money.
341
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:48,999
In no world
do you have my money.
342
00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:50,634
I was flirting with you
343
00:12:50,636 --> 00:12:52,703
to give Schmidt a taste
of his own medicine.
344
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:54,338
Okay? And it's a huge mistake,
345
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:55,973
and insulting to everyone
involved, and I'm sorry.
346
00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:57,474
Yeah, and also, he would never
347
00:12:57,476 --> 00:12:59,276
fall for that at all, okay?
348
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:01,045
You're a dead man,
Miller!
349
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:02,346
Don't. Don't.
350
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:03,480
SCHMIDT:
I'll choke you to death.
351
00:13:03,482 --> 00:13:04,782
I'll choke you to death.
352
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,317
CECE:
Barely fighting.
353
00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:07,618
Schmidt, nothing was going on!
354
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,853
He was just trying
to make you jealous.
355
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:10,487
Please. I know that!
356
00:13:10,489 --> 00:13:12,790
He would never hit on you.
You're on my Never List.
357
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:16,227
I know she's on your Never...
Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?
358
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:18,562
You're pissed at me for bringing
Lucy, and you bring Tran
359
00:13:18,564 --> 00:13:20,698
as a date?
Hey, leave Tran out of this.
He fought in Korea!
360
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,867
I don't know which side,
but I know he's a war hero.
361
00:13:22,869 --> 00:13:24,301
You couldn't find one of
those drunk girls at the bar?
362
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,502
The ones with no
family or friends?
363
00:13:25,504 --> 00:13:27,071
That's your sweet spot, man.
364
00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:29,540
I know I could have.
I didn't want to.
- Why not?
365
00:13:30,742 --> 00:13:32,343
What kind of woman
have you been sleeping with
366
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,777
since you and Jess broke up?
367
00:13:34,746 --> 00:13:36,981
Terrible ones.
368
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,749
And how does that make you feel?
369
00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:40,651
Terrible.
370
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,353
Then really good.
371
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,321
Expected. Expected.
372
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:46,156
There you go.
- But then,
immediately after, terrible.
373
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:47,992
I'm just gonna put this
out there, but I think
374
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:49,493
you'd probably rather like
to sleep with someone
375
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,195
who doesn't make you feel
terrible,
376
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:54,298
but you're just a little
afraid of getting hurt again.
377
00:13:55,433 --> 00:13:57,635
No, that doesn't sound right.
378
00:13:59,337 --> 00:14:01,272
You know, growing up,
379
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,407
we had this lunch lady
named Ms. Witten.
380
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:06,443
One day, I cut in line so
I can get extra Tater Tots,
381
00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:09,213
and as punishment, she
made me eat the entire tray
382
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:11,115
in front of her...
383
00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:14,118
while she stared at me
for a long period of time.
384
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,187
I'm not sure if you know how
hard that is for a growing boy.
385
00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:19,456
How old were you?
- I was 18.
386
00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:21,625
(laughs)
387
00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:24,795
If it helps, we're called
lunch monitors now.
388
00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:26,897
No one says
"lunch lady" anymore.
389
00:14:26,899 --> 00:14:31,902
Oh. Kind of like how we can't
call little people "shrinkies."
390
00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:34,672
Oh. Lunch Monitor
Pearl. I like it.
391
00:14:40,111 --> 00:14:42,780
Excellent form.
392
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:45,149
You don't have a hard job.
393
00:14:47,085 --> 00:14:48,652
So, I saw your
butt earlier.
394
00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:50,421
It's been holding up nicely.
395
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,890
It does the trick.
396
00:14:54,893 --> 00:14:56,894
And I noticed,
uh, Ryan left.
397
00:14:56,896 --> 00:15:00,631
Yeah. Ugh!
It's so embarrassing.
398
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,333
I kind of came onto him,
399
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:06,503
and he told me
he wanted more than just sex.
400
00:15:06,505 --> 00:15:09,606
He wanted more than sex
and that's a bad thing? How?
401
00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:11,308
Well, look, I'm his boss.
402
00:15:11,310 --> 00:15:13,744
We could get sued,
and I could get fired.
403
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,779
There's a reason
it's against the rules.
404
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:17,314
You gotta br... okay.
405
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,016
Remember when we tried to watch
Ferris Bueller's Day Off?
406
00:15:19,018 --> 00:15:21,919
Okay, I stick by that--
that kid is not a hero.
407
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,188
All he does is break rules.
What's so great about that?
408
00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:26,924
You're taking Rooney's side.
No one takes Rooney's side.
409
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,525
I'm a vice principal--
Rooney is my people.
410
00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:31,128
Ferris hijacks a parade.
411
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:32,629
That is an act of terror.
412
00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:34,365
You want to know what I think,
'cause you're not going
413
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,866
to like it.
- What?
414
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:37,835
I don't think this is
about breaking rules.
415
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:39,336
I think Ryan scares you.
416
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:41,872
You like him, and you're
going to have to put yourself
417
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:44,308
out there again,
and that scares you.
418
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:46,877
But look,
419
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:49,947
life moves really fast.
420
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:54,985
And if you don't stop and
look around once in a while,
421
00:15:54,987 --> 00:15:57,621
you just might miss it.
422
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,890
Is that from Ferris Bueller?
423
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,158
Yes, it is.
- Okay.
424
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,626
It's a terrific movie.
- All right.
425
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,361
And I delivered it perfectly.
426
00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:06,196
It was pretty good.
427
00:16:09,901 --> 00:16:11,502
What are you doing here?
428
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:13,270
You're fired.
429
00:16:14,239 --> 00:16:16,240
(laughs)
Just kidding.
430
00:16:16,242 --> 00:16:18,208
Oh, God.
431
00:16:20,979 --> 00:16:23,147
You left without eating
so I thought, um...
432
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,315
I'd bring you a pie.
Well, most of a pie.
433
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:27,351
The guys ate some of it.
That's a lie.
434
00:16:27,353 --> 00:16:30,054
I ate-I ate-I ate a piece
on the way over.
435
00:16:30,056 --> 00:16:31,355
I-I ate two pieces.
436
00:16:31,357 --> 00:16:32,656
Three pieces.
437
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,191
Thank you.
438
00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:35,559
You're welcome.
439
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:37,761
Would you like to come inside?
440
00:16:37,763 --> 00:16:38,929
No, um, I came here
to say something
441
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:41,331
and that is...
442
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,400
I want more, too.
443
00:16:47,005 --> 00:16:48,238
This dish is empty.
444
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:51,008
Okay. I ate the whole pie.
445
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,876
Look, I don't know
what I'm doing
446
00:16:52,878 --> 00:16:54,211
or where this is going
447
00:16:54,213 --> 00:16:57,281
(sighs)
and I'm scared, but...
448
00:16:57,283 --> 00:17:00,451
it's worth it
'cause it feels big.
449
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:03,454
And that's why I'm going
to leave right now,
450
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:05,456
and we're going to take it slow.
451
00:17:13,131 --> 00:17:14,731
Wow.
452
00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:17,935
Well, tonight is Bangsgiving,
453
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:19,937
and I have to honor my
American traditions.
454
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:22,773
And it's my duty
as an American...
455
00:17:25,243 --> 00:17:28,579
I think I'm going to stop
being afraid and start dating.
456
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:31,648
You probably knew
all along, didn't you?
457
00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:34,818
If only I could
meet a girl like you, Tran.
458
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:37,054
Your face, your brain--
throw it in a dress.
459
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,790
Oh, daddy,
I'd be with her forever.
460
00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:41,258
I'm getting off topic.
461
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:44,061
Thanks for the talk.
I feel a lot better.
462
00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:46,830
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
463
00:17:47,999 --> 00:17:49,933
Tran, are these all yours?
464
00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:51,468
Come on, man.
465
00:17:51,470 --> 00:17:53,137
I thought you were
switching to white wine.
466
00:17:53,139 --> 00:17:55,139
How do you think you're going
to get home now?
467
00:17:55,141 --> 00:17:57,808
You're not driving, so how are
you going to get home?
468
00:17:57,810 --> 00:17:59,977
(knocking)
469
00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:01,745
Hey.
470
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,081
Are you Nick?
471
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:08,085
You the guy who's obsessed
with my grandfather?
472
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,755
Grandpaps,
you ready to go?
473
00:18:17,428 --> 00:18:19,830
Hey.
- (screams)
474
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:23,033
Ah, ah, ha... hey.
475
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,935
I'm taking off. Um...
476
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,603
sorry I body-slammed you
477
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:28,805
but this doesn't feel like
it's working out
478
00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:30,307
so I don't really want
to waste our time.
479
00:18:30,309 --> 00:18:32,943
Look, Pepper, um...
480
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,211
I think you're beautiful,
481
00:18:34,213 --> 00:18:36,313
and very nice.
482
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:37,948
I just, uh...
483
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,450
You know, I'm not used to...
484
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:43,020
dating women that
are stronger than me.
485
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:45,222
How do you know
that I'm stronger than you?
486
00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:46,990
Do you want to arm wrestle?
487
00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:48,559
Yeah, like I'm that insecure
that I have to prove
488
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,994
my masculinity by
arm wrestling a girl.
489
00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:53,363
(yells)
Come on.
490
00:18:53,365 --> 00:18:54,898
Ready?
- Yeah.
491
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:56,400
One, two, three.
492
00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:59,803
(grunting)
493
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:02,005
(yells)
494
00:19:02,007 --> 00:19:04,074
Yes! That's how you do it!
495
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:07,144
That's how it's
uh-uh-uh done!
496
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,413
(moaning)
- (giggling)
497
00:19:10,748 --> 00:19:12,149
Thank you for
letting me win.
498
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,884
Sure. Anytime.
499
00:19:20,024 --> 00:19:21,358
Well, Lucy left.
500
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,527
Turns out she's a bit
of an anti-Semite.
501
00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:25,996
Hmm.
- Yeah, looks like
we both struck out.
502
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,564
Okay, Schmidt,
there is no Geoff.
503
00:19:27,566 --> 00:19:30,567
Come on. But to honest, I'm
kind of glad there isn't.
504
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:31,868
You know,
Thanksgiving should be spent
505
00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:33,937
with the people
that you care about.
506
00:19:35,273 --> 00:19:36,907
Let me get you a beer.
507
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,275
By the way...
508
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:40,244
you're on my Never List, too.
509
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:49,620
Hi.
510
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:51,188
Are you Cece?
511
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,956
I'm Geoff.
512
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:54,224
Um, I'm Schmidt's friend.
513
00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:55,425
I'm sorry I'm late.
514
00:19:55,427 --> 00:19:57,527
I hit a peacock on my way here
515
00:19:57,529 --> 00:20:00,564
and then I held it in my arms
until it died.
516
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:03,734
It was horrible,
but also kind of uplifting.
517
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:06,336
Um, anyway,
I brought creamed spinach.
518
00:20:08,906 --> 00:20:11,808
(speaking Hindi)
519
00:20:15,413 --> 00:20:18,782
¶ It takes time ¶
520
00:20:20,551 --> 00:20:23,287
¶ You worry too much ¶
(panting)
521
00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:25,989
(panting continues)
522
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:29,393
¶ All those sunny days ¶
523
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:32,062
(grunts)
- Yeah! (laughs)
524
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:36,733
¶ You worry too much ¶
525
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:38,068
There's my number.
- Gr...
526
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,103
Tran! Hey, would you
hit that. Maybe...
527
00:20:40,105 --> 00:20:41,738
Yeah.
528
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:46,310
¶ 'Cause nothing is real ¶
529
00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:51,148
¶ When you're all alone ¶
530
00:20:53,084 --> 00:20:57,487
¶ 'Cause nothing is real ¶
531
00:20:57,489 --> 00:21:00,424
¶ My mother told me so ¶
532
00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:02,826
¶ Don't let the sun kiss
your lips ¶
533
00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:06,029
¶ She knows all of the tricks ¶
534
00:21:06,031 --> 00:21:08,332
¶ Let the sun
kiss your lips... ¶
535
00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:09,866
Ed Rooney.
536
00:21:09,868 --> 00:21:11,868
CAMERON (over phone):
Hi. This is George Peterson.
537
00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:13,670
How are you today, sir?
538
00:21:13,672 --> 00:21:16,173
JESS (groans in frustration):
It's not him, Rooney.
539
00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:22,045
This movie should be called
The Day Rooney Tried to Do
His Job.
540
00:21:22,047 --> 00:21:25,115
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org