1
00:00:05,715 --> 00:00:08,300
Coach and May are fighting.
We don't want to disturb them.

2
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:09,468
They're not fighting.

3
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,303
I know how to read
body language. Look.

4
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:12,907
Her arms are crossed
in a position of dominance,

5
00:00:12,931 --> 00:00:14,408
and he's playing his forehead
like a piano.

6
00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:16,266
Will you clowns focus?

7
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:18,937
My waffle is in the toaster,
and if I wait too long

8
00:00:18,978 --> 00:00:20,813
after it pops, it'll get hard.

9
00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:22,232
Look, I know
about relationships.

10
00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:23,315
Winston can
vouch for me.

11
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,317
That girl, KC,
just texted him,

12
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,237
"What's up?"

13
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,380
That riddler. So I
had him text back

14
00:00:28,404 --> 00:00:30,322
an empty bubble.

15
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,201
Is he thinking about her? Or is
a baby playing with the phone?

16
00:00:33,243 --> 00:00:35,369
She don't know,
but she want to know.

17
00:00:35,411 --> 00:00:37,038
There she is. There she is.

18
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:37,997
Hey.

19
00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:39,832
Morning. Hello. How do?

20
00:00:39,874 --> 00:00:41,834
Hey. Oh, someone left a waffle
in the toaster.

21
00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:43,002
Bye, guys.

22
00:00:43,044 --> 00:00:44,294
Man, this waffle
better be hot

23
00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:46,296
or I am going
Durst on y'all!

24
00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:48,007
Hey... Coach.

25
00:00:48,049 --> 00:00:50,426
Why... Jess,
are you talking like that?

26
00:00:50,468 --> 00:00:51,612
She thinks you and
May are fighting.

27
00:00:51,636 --> 00:00:52,887
No, we're not fighting.

28
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:55,347
We did break up though.

29
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,599
Oh, my God, I knew it.

30
00:00:56,641 --> 00:00:58,101
I mean, I'm so sorry.
What happened?

31
00:00:58,143 --> 00:00:59,435
May accepted a
job in New York

32
00:00:59,477 --> 00:01:02,521
as a section musician
for the Met.

33
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,374
Oh, has Alan taken a liking
to her? Oh, bravo.

34
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,252
Good for... You know,
I've always been a fan of his.

35
00:01:06,276 --> 00:01:09,487
When he conducted, uh,
Das Rheingold

36
00:01:09,528 --> 00:01:12,531
with the Royal Stockholm
Orchestra, it was magnificent.

37
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,033
Jar or slap?

38
00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:16,386
I don't have
any cash on me.

39
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,429
- Good slap.
- Are you okay?

40
00:01:17,453 --> 00:01:19,122
Do you want to talk about it?

41
00:01:19,164 --> 00:01:21,124
No, I'm good. Yeah.
I'll miss her, but...

42
00:01:21,166 --> 00:01:23,126
we're still friends.
We're cool.

43
00:01:23,168 --> 00:01:25,128
I'm cool. Cool. All right.

44
00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,797
He is not good.

45
00:01:27,839 --> 00:01:31,717
Winston, get back here! We need
to powwow about May and Coach!

46
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,639
Winnie's gonna need a minute.

47
00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:46,316
What are you
reading? What is...

48
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:49,110
One Woman's Journey
Up Inside Herself?

49
00:01:49,152 --> 00:01:50,504
It's really inspiring.
I actually want to be

50
00:01:50,528 --> 00:01:51,988
the woman in this book.

51
00:01:52,030 --> 00:01:54,424
"Finding inner strength
in a time of crises."

52
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,951
Cece, are you in crises?

53
00:01:56,993 --> 00:01:59,537
I'm fine. Cece's fine.

54
00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:01,664
How are you?
How's Fawn holding up?

55
00:02:01,706 --> 00:02:04,292
If you must know, my paramour
Councilwoman Fawn Moscato

56
00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:06,460
has been so strong
since the incident.

57
00:02:08,046 --> 00:02:10,089
You know, reporters
are calling it Panty-Gate.

58
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,050
There's pictures
of her naked lady-bottom

59
00:02:12,091 --> 00:02:13,551
all over the Internet. Sid,

60
00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:15,445
put the
phone away.

61
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:18,448
You picked it up right when
I said "naked lady-bottom."

62
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,599
Please. You guys are good, then?

63
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,810
You know,
'cause the last time we spoke,

64
00:02:22,852 --> 00:02:26,105
you said you were feeling
a little, you know, used.

65
00:02:26,147 --> 00:02:28,107
Well, not anymore.
We're a team now.

66
00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:29,459
Fawn and Schmidt.

67
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:30,460
Fawmidt.

68
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,862
Vomit?
No, Fawmidt.

69
00:02:32,904 --> 00:02:33,964
You're saying the word "vomit."

70
00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:35,465
No, I don't hear that, but okay.

71
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,616
Fawn's holding a press
conference later today,

72
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,493
and I don't mean to toot
my own shofar,

73
00:02:39,535 --> 00:02:41,471
but I'll be standing there
right by her side.

74
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:42,621
So this scandal is actually

75
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:43,932
bringing you two
closer together.

76
00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:46,476
Team Fawmidt
has never been stronger.

77
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,169
I heard it there.

78
00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:50,296
Wow, that sounds
exactly like "vomit."

79
00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:52,757
That's a problem.

80
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:55,760
"Roughly the same length
as The Pearl."

81
00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:57,762
How is that a pull quote?

82
00:02:57,803 --> 00:02:59,847
And that...

83
00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:01,682
is how babies get made.

84
00:03:01,724 --> 00:03:03,184
It's gross, right?

85
00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:04,494
How does the sperm find the egg?

86
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,496
Propelled by its tail,

87
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,499
the sperm travels up the canal
until it reaches the egg.

88
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,984
Now, for us,
it's only a couple of inches,

89
00:03:12,026 --> 00:03:15,905
but for Mr. Sperm there,
it's miles away.

90
00:03:15,947 --> 00:03:19,617
Miles and miles and miles away.

91
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:24,372
It's almost like...

92
00:03:24,414 --> 00:03:28,542
why would the egg want to be
so far away from the sperm?

93
00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:30,336
You know? Like, didn't
the egg and the sperm

94
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:31,963
have a great time
together?

95
00:03:32,004 --> 00:03:34,215
And then you're just gonna
pack your bags and leave

96
00:03:34,257 --> 00:03:35,525
and go to New York?

97
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,969
To play music
with some other sperm.

98
00:03:38,010 --> 00:03:40,763
You're just-just gonna leave?
You're gonna leave your sperm

99
00:03:40,805 --> 00:03:42,807
and go play music
with other sperms?!

100
00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,976
And I'm cool with that!
I'm cool with that!

101
00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:48,538
You know, I got eggs.
I have eggs on deck!

102
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,040
This sperm got swag.
All those other sperms

103
00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:52,317
ain't got swag like me.
Can any other sperm

104
00:03:52,358 --> 00:03:56,546
sport this much green
and still look dope?

105
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:57,780
No!

106
00:03:57,822 --> 00:04:02,552
That ain't tight!
This is tight!

107
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,703
I just want you

108
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,831
to come back, and I...

109
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:12,044
I guess I chose the wrong day
to observe Health.

110
00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:14,564
I miss her!

111
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,257
May!

112
00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:19,051
Listen, thanks for standing
next to me up there, Ponyboy.

113
00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:20,470
I hope this show of remorse

114
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:21,863
will keep these reporters
off my back.

115
00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,573
Oh, I know it will.
And then, you know what,

116
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,075
once this is over,
maybe we get out of here

117
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:26,851
for a little bit. Lay low, Oh.

118
00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,578
Rent a cabin in the woods,
Yeah.

119
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,771
Read some poetry,
have horizontal sex.

120
00:04:30,813 --> 00:04:33,107
Okay, two of those three things
sound like fun. Now,

121
00:04:33,149 --> 00:04:35,669
here's your statement in case
you're asked any questions. Oh, a st...

122
00:04:35,693 --> 00:04:37,963
I'm not gonna need a statement.
I'm a seasoned improviser.

123
00:04:37,987 --> 00:04:39,780
Hey, guys.
We're the Belly Laughs.

124
00:04:39,822 --> 00:04:41,407
So I need a location.

125
00:04:41,449 --> 00:04:42,908
How 'bout fat camp?

126
00:04:45,995 --> 00:04:49,623
That's adorable. But just,
please, read what I wrote.

127
00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:51,643
I will. But I'm not gonna
do it until I get out there.

128
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:53,603
You're gonna want me
in the moment for this.

129
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,629
Okay.

130
00:04:58,007 --> 00:04:59,633
Good afternoon.

131
00:04:59,675 --> 00:05:01,611
Um, before I answer
any of your questions,

132
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:04,472
my partner would like
to read a statement.

133
00:05:04,514 --> 00:05:06,432
Honey.

134
00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:09,768
I am a sick man.

135
00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:16,067
On Saturday last,
Councilwoman Moscato

136
00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:19,629
was caught not wearing
underpants because I...

137
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:22,448
I asked her
not to wear them.

138
00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:24,950
Why?

139
00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:33,000
Because it turns me on.

140
00:05:33,042 --> 00:05:35,211
What I did was wrong.

141
00:05:35,253 --> 00:05:36,837
I'm so sorry, Fawn.

142
00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:40,650
I'm sorry, Los Angeles.

143
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,469
And I'm sorry
to the man upstairs,

144
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:46,138
my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

145
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,662
Dress shirts on a Monday?
You know how it is.

146
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,688
Coach breaks up with a lady,
we take him out,

147
00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:55,666
and he gets loaded.

148
00:05:55,690 --> 00:05:57,400
Yeah, I know how it usually goes

149
00:05:57,442 --> 00:05:59,503
when Coach breaks up with
a girl, but May is different.

150
00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:01,647
Sometimes she comes over
and they don't even have sex.

151
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,673
I don't get that.
Trust me, I am right

152
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,800
about this, just like
I was right about them fighting.

153
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,326
I'm on, like, a streak here.

154
00:06:07,368 --> 00:06:10,680
I might just be...
an expert in love.

155
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,791
Like a... you know,
like a love doctor, if you will.

156
00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:16,686
I will not. You are
the least qualified person

157
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,797
to call themselves
a doctor of love.

158
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:22,692
Exhibit "A": You dated me.

159
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:23,693
I rest my case.

160
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,695
Court is adjourned.

161
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,555
Guilty as charged.

162
00:06:29,098 --> 00:06:30,558
Put... I would stop that.

163
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,477
Case... rested.
Listen, I got to say

164
00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:34,562
I agree with Nick
on this one, Jess.

165
00:06:34,604 --> 00:06:37,398
I mean, it's been a whole day,
and KC still hasn't texted me.

166
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:39,418
Well, that's just proof
that the bubble is working.

167
00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:41,711
Look, you guys,
Coach needs to talk to May.

168
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:44,071
Trust me. He is in pain.

169
00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:48,576
I'm happy and I'm healthy
and I'm ready to party!

170
00:06:48,618 --> 00:06:50,202
Let's get drunk!

171
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:51,496
You're wrong.

172
00:06:51,537 --> 00:06:53,164
Coach.

173
00:06:53,205 --> 00:06:54,516
Do you want to talk about
what happened today or...?

174
00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:55,500
Talk about what?

175
00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:57,418
Nah.

176
00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:59,795
Hey, um, actually,
can you do me a favor?

177
00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:01,255
May's gonna be recording later.

178
00:07:01,297 --> 00:07:03,233
She's gonna stop by
and pick up her rubber circle.

179
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:04,734
May has a diaphragm?

180
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,027
No, it's the thing
that you put on the floor

181
00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:07,136
to stabilize the cello.

182
00:07:07,178 --> 00:07:09,096
Condom.
No.

183
00:07:09,138 --> 00:07:10,740
No, it's the thing
you put on the floor

184
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,475
to make sure
the cello stays put.

185
00:07:12,517 --> 00:07:13,559
Cello stabilizer.

186
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,353
Oh, yeah.
Cello stabilizer.

187
00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:18,272
Oh. Well, wouldn't you like
to be here when she comes by?

188
00:07:18,314 --> 00:07:20,274
No, that's gonna be hell a weird.

189
00:07:20,316 --> 00:07:21,751
I want to party!
Yeah!

190
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:24,111
We 'bout to par...
Come on, party!

191
00:07:24,153 --> 00:07:27,757
I'm gonna do this
and gonna do this, this,

192
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:28,782
this, this, this.

193
00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:33,763
What was that speech?

194
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,932
I'm sorry, okay? I told you to
read the statement beforehand,

195
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,767
and then you told me
that terrifying story

196
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,769
about doing improv
at a fat person's camp.

197
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:40,937
I didn't know
that the statement

198
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,339
was gonna blame me
for Panty-Gate.

199
00:07:43,381 --> 00:07:45,132
And by the way,
for your information,

200
00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:47,885
the Belly Laughs
did not "do" improv.

201
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:50,012
We reinvented it.

202
00:07:50,054 --> 00:07:52,782
I know you must be embarrassed,
but... you saved me.

203
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,892
Yeah, well, people
think I'm a sicko now.

204
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:57,395
One of your aides spit
at me. Was it Shall on?

205
00:07:57,436 --> 00:07:59,897
Yeah, that's a lisp,
but still, he's fired.

206
00:07:59,938 --> 00:08:02,792
Look, if you want to leave,
I completely understand.

207
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,794
But the truth is...

208
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:07,572
I can't do this without you.

209
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,800
Well, now Ponyboy is
feeling very conflicted.

210
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:11,867
Just one last photo op.

211
00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:13,619
You and I having
a lovely evening.

212
00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:15,096
Show the press
everything's back to normal.

213
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:18,624
And then I promise
it'll just all be about us.

214
00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:20,209
Could we do
horizontal sex?

215
00:08:20,251 --> 00:08:21,835
Yes.
With foreplay?

216
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,173
It's a deal-b... It's a
deal-breaker. Uh... Yeah.

217
00:08:26,215 --> 00:08:29,176
It's a deal-breaker. Okay.
Fine, yes, fine, yes.

218
00:08:29,218 --> 00:08:30,469
Oh, God.

219
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:31,821
No, please. Oh...

220
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,305
Oh, God.

221
00:08:33,347 --> 00:08:35,391
May.

222
00:08:35,433 --> 00:08:36,517
Cece!

223
00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:38,352
So Coach and May
broke up?

224
00:08:38,394 --> 00:08:39,645
Long story short,

225
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:40,830
they shouldn't have broken up,

226
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:41,855
and I am the only person

227
00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:43,148
that sees this.

228
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,834
I realize I'm kind of
an expert in love.

229
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,069
A love doctor, if you will.

230
00:08:47,111 --> 00:08:48,696
Where are
your crackers?

231
00:08:48,738 --> 00:08:49,863
A-Above the fridge.

232
00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:51,574
Cece, did they raise
your tuition again?

233
00:08:51,616 --> 00:08:52,908
Why are you so hungry?

234
00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:57,162
I've decided I'm going to climb
Mount Shasta.

235
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,372
By yourself?

236
00:08:58,414 --> 00:08:59,873
I'm leaving
for three weeks.

237
00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:01,667
I want to be like the woman
in the book;

238
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:04,128
I want to go on a climbing trip
and find myself.

239
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:07,506
Okay, um... Ceec,

240
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:08,858
are you sure

241
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,884
you're ready
for a climbing trip?

242
00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:12,762
Jess, I just...
I can't sit here

243
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,865
and watch Schmidt with Fawn.

244
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:19,143
And I don't think they're
breaking up any time soon, so...

245
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:20,936
Cece, they're never gonna last.

246
00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:22,938
He doesn't really love her.

247
00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:24,607
Did he tell you that?

248
00:09:24,649 --> 00:09:26,876
No, but...

249
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,445
as a doctor of love,
I sense these things.

250
00:09:31,155 --> 00:09:33,907
The Love Doctor just knows.

251
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,537
May.
Hi.

252
00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:40,890
Uh, I'm here for
my end pin anchor.

253
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:41,891
Yeah.

254
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,893
Ah, thank you.

255
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,086
Very sorry to hear
about the breakup.

256
00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:47,045
Are you okay?

257
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,898
Um, yeah. Yeah.

258
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,900
I'm here to talk
if you ever need to.

259
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:54,386
In hard times,
it's nice to have a friend, May.

260
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:56,639
Thanks...

261
00:09:56,681 --> 00:09:57,907
Jess, right?

262
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,891
Yes.
Well, uh...

263
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,244
I'm in the middle of
a recording session.

264
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,395
I got to get back to the
studio, so... see ya.

265
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,855
Bye.

266
00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:10,068
Yeah, Jess, she looks
real broken up about it.

267
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:18,452
I... I'm a mess.

268
00:10:18,494 --> 00:10:20,454
I know!

269
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,916
The doctor is in.

270
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,251
Wait, what?

271
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,878
Nothing. Cry it out.

272
00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,301
Wow.

273
00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,530
I've never seen Coach go
this hard after a breakup, man.

274
00:10:36,554 --> 00:10:38,490
You sure he's okay? It's
good, it's good, it's good.

275
00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:40,932
You treat an outside wound
with rubbing alcohol,

276
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,934
you treat an inside wound
with drinking alcohol.

277
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,395
That's science.

278
00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:45,604
I feel that, man.

279
00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,147
It is time to
turn things up.

280
00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:48,566
Sidney!

281
00:10:48,607 --> 00:10:50,818
Do what you do!

282
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:04,540
This... is... my... jam.

283
00:11:04,582 --> 00:11:06,142
We've only been
dating for a few months.

284
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,977
I just thought that...

285
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,546
that breaking up was, like, the
smart thing to do, you know?

286
00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:11,881
I know you're upset,

287
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:14,174
sweetie, but I...
I can't understand

288
00:11:14,216 --> 00:11:16,844
anything you're saying
with the crackers.

289
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:18,888
Do you love him?

290
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,990
I think I do.

291
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,992
Well, then maybe moving
to New York doesn't mean

292
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,852
- you have to break up.
- So you think

293
00:11:24,894 --> 00:11:28,188
that I should... that I should
ask Coach to move with me?

294
00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:30,232
Okay, how about
we put down the crackers?

295
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,002
I think she wants Coach

296
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,612
to move to New York
with her.

297
00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:37,072
Oh! Yes, yes!
I mean...

298
00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:40,659
Yeah? You-You... You think that
he would say yeah? Yeah. Definitely.

299
00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:43,287
He's crazy about you. He had a
meltdown today in health class.

300
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:46,624
Now, the kids did learn that sex
is emotionally complicated,

301
00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:48,626
so it was a good class,
but trust me...

302
00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:51,503
What Jess is trying to say
here is that if you...

303
00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:54,715
if you really know
how you feel about someone,

304
00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:56,508
you need to act now.

305
00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:59,028
Wow.

306
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,178
Am I really doing this?

307
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,931
Yeah, but not before
we clean your face,

308
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,557
'cause it's caked in snot.

309
00:12:03,599 --> 00:12:07,394
Ooh, yeah, Coach!

310
00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,038
Who you think
he's gonna hook up with?

311
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,164
It's a tough Monday crowd. It...

312
00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,565
It's nearly impossible to say,

313
00:12:11,607 --> 00:12:13,042
but I'm gonna go
with the white bodysuit

314
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,085
and, uh,
the leopard print leggings.

315
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:16,045
She looks
smart to me.

316
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:19,048
No way. No way. My money's on
the one with the wedding ring

317
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,634
whose husband is clearly
over there in the corner

318
00:12:20,658 --> 00:12:21,951
spying on her.

319
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,177
Yeah, he's not
happy about that.

320
00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:26,330
Dora the Explorer

321
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:27,539
just entered the scene!

322
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:29,959
You're tiny. I like it.

323
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,061
There she g... Oh!
For the kiss!

324
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:35,380
The winner.

325
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,674
What the hell?

326
00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:38,091
Oh. May's here. Coach!

327
00:12:41,804 --> 00:12:43,722
May here, she here!

328
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,076
Wh-Wha... Uh, May!

329
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,202
Wh-What are... what
are you doing here?

330
00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:50,079
No, come on.

331
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,856
No, no...

332
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,362
In case you were
wondering, she, uh...

333
00:12:58,403 --> 00:13:02,282
she did get her little
rubber holder thing.

334
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,751
Coach, um, I wanted
to apologize.

335
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,503
Not now, honey.
He needs some time, honey.

336
00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:16,421
I brought over a beer.
We'll take that beer.

337
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:17,882
Give us that beer, honey.

338
00:13:19,008 --> 00:13:21,134
Sorry.

339
00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:23,554
I'm not a freaking love doctor.

340
00:13:23,595 --> 00:13:26,115
I'm Dr. E.D. Ote.

341
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,683
Dr. Idiot.

342
00:13:27,725 --> 00:13:29,118
Yeah, I get it. I just
never understood

343
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,120
the whole love doctor
thing, anyway.

344
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:34,147
I guess I was just hoping that
with all the mistakes I've made,

345
00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:36,567
at least I could
help you guys find love.

346
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:40,129
That I didn't go through
all that for no reason.

347
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,906
Yeah, but no one has
the answers, you know?

348
00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:45,134
It's love, it makes no sense.
It's messy.

349
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,745
There's no such thing
as a love doctor.

350
00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:51,140
You know what, Cece?

351
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,834
Go on your trip.
Go get over Schmidt.

352
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:55,335
Don't listen to me.

353
00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:57,170
I'm gonna climb that mountain.

354
00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:59,148
Yeah, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.

355
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,150
But I'm not gonna
do it for Schmidt,

356
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,426
I'm gonna do it for me.

357
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:03,594
Good. Go.

358
00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:06,055
I love you, girl.
Love you, too.

359
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:12,686
Hey, don't smile.
Don't smile.

360
00:14:12,728 --> 00:14:14,163
Look sadder
that you're buying underpants.

361
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,164
Underpants make you
very, very sad.

362
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,166
Oh, I hate being
here so much.

363
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:20,069
These underpants make
me so uncomfortable.

364
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,821
That's perfect. There's that
fat boy improv training.

365
00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:25,174
Now, next, I'm going to ask
for something with a little more

366
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,176
coverage; You're gonna flip out,
say you can't take it anymore,

367
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,660
and leave the store.

368
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:30,304
Then tomorrow, we enter you into
some kind of rehab facility.

369
00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:32,599
When you get out, we'll announce
that we're getting married.

370
00:14:32,623 --> 00:14:35,042
Married? What? I don't...
Shh. Yes. Shh.

371
00:14:35,084 --> 00:14:36,376
Yes, yes. Okay.

372
00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:39,421
So what I say is we build
on this momentum, okay?

373
00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:42,191
And we get married. I know
it's not the most romantic

374
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,760
idea in the world,
but we'd be happy.

375
00:14:44,802 --> 00:14:46,637
And then, we play
our cards right,

376
00:14:46,678 --> 00:14:50,265
you and I are living
in the mayor's mansion by 2020.

377
00:14:50,307 --> 00:14:52,977
Fawn. Fawn.

378
00:14:53,018 --> 00:14:54,103
No.

379
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,205
No? Oh, n-no to some of it?

380
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,941
No to all of it. We can't get
married. I barely even know you.

381
00:14:58,983 --> 00:15:00,442
You... You know me.

382
00:15:00,484 --> 00:15:01,777
The real you, Fawn.

383
00:15:01,819 --> 00:15:03,212
This is the real me.

384
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:06,740
I'm a politician,
not in The Vagina Monologues.

385
00:15:06,782 --> 00:15:08,867
I mean, what do you want?

386
00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:10,661
I can get you anything you want.

387
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,221
You'll be rich,
I'll be powerful.

388
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,372
I'm realizing...

389
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:18,227
just now that it's
not what I want.

390
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,229
I don't want
any of that.

391
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,755
I want to be in love.

392
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,425
I want to be... I want
to be crazy in love.

393
00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:27,970
Okay, well, certainly
don't quote Beyoncé

394
00:15:28,012 --> 00:15:29,739
and then pretend like
you just thought of it.

395
00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,240
Uh, uh, I want to
be drunk in love.

396
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,350
But that's also
a Beyoncé lyric.

397
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:35,644
Come on, Fawn.

398
00:15:35,686 --> 00:15:38,147
You're not really
in love with me.

399
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,249
I'm not really in
love with-with you.

400
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:45,278
We just look great together
buying underpants.

401
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:49,324
Are you breaking up with me?

402
00:15:49,366 --> 00:15:52,410
I guess I kind of am.

403
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,913
Well, um...

404
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,266
I don't want this

405
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:01,045
to come out
the wrong way, but...

406
00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:03,296
does this mean I lose your vote?

407
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,342
Never.

408
00:16:12,556 --> 00:16:15,475
I just can't stand
to be in here any longer!

409
00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:17,519
Surrounded...

410
00:16:17,561 --> 00:16:19,437
by these underpants!

411
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,858
Red ones and yellow ones
and blue ones and pink ones!

412
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:27,112
And this woman with her
brassiere-slash-teddy!

413
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,298
Underpants everywhere!
They're driving me nuts!

414
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,658
I feel like I got
underpants all over my body!

415
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,303
Schmidt out.
This is ridiculous.

416
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:37,915
Enough is enough.
Get out of here, paparazzi.

417
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:41,418
No, leave me...
Get-get out of my way, sir.

418
00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:54,323
I just want to say
something. No.

419
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,225
And then I'll leave.

420
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:58,036
Look, I'll never get involved in
your personal life ever again.

421
00:16:58,060 --> 00:17:00,395
Okay? Because I have no
idea what I'm talking about.

422
00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:02,331
And I know that now.

423
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,000
You could just... you could just
troll for basic bitches

424
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,335
at the juice bar,
and I will say, mm, nothing.

425
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,404
Okay? So, look, I was
wrong, and I'm sorry.

426
00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:10,864
I do love her.

427
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,344
I'm crazy about her.

428
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,079
Yes! I was right!

429
00:17:17,121 --> 00:17:19,957
Love Doctor! I'm back.

430
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:22,209
Really? I thought
it was just a regular breakup.

431
00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:24,836
But in all fairness, I hadn't
thought about it that hard.

432
00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,671
I mean, what do I do, man?

433
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,882
You know, it's like
she's going to New York.

434
00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:30,926
Yup. I can't go to New
York with her. That's crazy.

435
00:17:30,968 --> 00:17:33,929
You know? I like my sun on the
right and my ocean on the left.

436
00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:35,364
It's a rule of mine.

437
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,057
Plus, I'd have
to leave you guys.

438
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,368
Can't leave you
guys, I mean,

439
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,394
I finally have a home.

440
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:48,235
All right, flash forward
to the future.

441
00:17:48,277 --> 00:17:50,946
40, 50 years.

442
00:17:50,988 --> 00:17:54,074
You're married. Kids,
grandkids. Mm-hmm.

443
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:55,909
I'm long dead.
Naturally.

444
00:17:55,951 --> 00:17:56,660
Of course.

445
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,120
And you look over

446
00:17:58,162 --> 00:17:59,388
to the woman sitting
next to you.

447
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,914
And she's gray.

448
00:18:00,956 --> 00:18:03,458
She's old. She has
that, like, grandma smell.

449
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:06,395
You have a grandpa smell, but you
got... Grandmas always smell like...

450
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,921
like right when you
open a cupboard.

451
00:18:07,963 --> 00:18:10,399
Yeah, she has that
smell, but... Mm-hmm.

452
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,400
...you love her.

453
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,551
Be honest with yourself.

454
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,138
Is that fat old lady
sitting beside you... Mm...

455
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:18,407
Honestly, right now, in my head,
I'm just picturing, like,

456
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,409
a beanbag chair
with a wig on it.

457
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,978
Okay. We have gone too
much into the description. Okay.

458
00:18:23,020 --> 00:18:26,439
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that May?

459
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,277
I think so.

460
00:18:32,070 --> 00:18:34,739
Well, that's big.

461
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,425
Let's go get her.

462
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,076
Yeah?
Yeah.

463
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,204
Whoo-hoo! Let's
go get May. Yeah!

464
00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:43,081
Hey, Jess, she texted me back!
The blank bubble worked!

465
00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:46,001
Guys?

466
00:18:46,043 --> 00:18:48,212
Have you seen my white friends?

467
00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:50,088
In 40 years,
when we're old and...

468
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:52,674
Do it.
...a mess of fat,

469
00:18:52,716 --> 00:18:55,802
loose skin hanging,
I have boobs,

470
00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:56,845
and you've got hair

471
00:18:56,887 --> 00:18:58,447
on your face...

472
00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,866
Holding my rock sack
while I'm sitting on the toilet

473
00:18:59,890 --> 00:19:01,450
so it doesn't fall
in the water.

474
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,227
What are you saying?

475
00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:06,980
I'm saying, as you get older,
your testicles lengthen.

476
00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:09,233
No, what I'm saying
is I love you.

477
00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:10,817
And that I would be

478
00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:14,029
a fool if I let you leave
to New York

479
00:19:14,071 --> 00:19:15,572
without even fighting for us.

480
00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:22,246
Ernie...

481
00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:24,706
I love you, too.

482
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:29,478
But I... I can't stay here.

483
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,171
I don't want you to stay here.

484
00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:34,341
Um... look, I know we haven't
been dating that long,

485
00:19:34,383 --> 00:19:36,301
and, um, this might seem crazy,
but I was won...

486
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:38,487
Will you move to
New York with me?

487
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,889
Yes! That! That's what I...

488
00:19:40,931 --> 00:19:42,658
Yes?! Yeah, that's what
I wanted to do, yeah.

489
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,493
Right. So, we're moving
to New York?

490
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,495
We're moving to New York.
We're moving to New York!

491
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,397
Jersey City.
What?

492
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,523
Jersey City!
Jersey... I don't...

493
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:55,588
Well, this is all you, Jess.

494
00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:57,406
Come on.
This is all you.

495
00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:00,491
I mean it. If Coach were
hanging out with me,

496
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:03,161
we'd be beating up
a priest right now.

497
00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,122
You had a lot
to do with this, too.

498
00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:07,498
No, really. All that stuff about.

499
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,960
"Who do you see
yourself next to?"

500
00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:11,502
That's-that's really good.

501
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,381
Do you do that?

502
00:20:14,423 --> 00:20:17,675
Who-who do you
see yourself next to?

503
00:20:18,635 --> 00:20:20,637
Winston mostly.

504
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:23,681
Ah. Yeah, me, too, actually.

505
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:27,560
I just see a really old Winston.

506
00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:30,521
Eating handfuls of birdseed
out of the bag.

507
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,065
He gets really into birds.

508
00:20:32,107 --> 00:20:34,192
Hey!

509
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:36,486
Play some music!
Play some music!

510
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:53,544
I'm sorry about Fawn.
Yeah, sorry, buddy.

511
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,046
Yeah, you guys
were good together.

512
00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,631
She was fine.
Okay, that's enough.

513
00:20:56,673 --> 00:20:58,553
I know you guys didn't
like her. Hated her guts.

514
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,677
So much! Wait. What
are we watching right now?

515
00:21:00,718 --> 00:21:02,887
That girl just
took her boobs out!

516
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:05,366
Nick, why are you watching smut?
It was already in the DVD player.

517
00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:08,202
I didn't want to get up and get it.
Schmidt, are you sitting on my pillow?

518
00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:10,746
Who leaves porn in the DVD? What's
it doing out here in the first place?

519
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,749
The only thing we use it for. Might as well
just leave it in. I'm sleeping on the couch.

520
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,751
- Furguson and I are fighting.
- Why is that pillow wet?

521
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,586
It's a good story. Let's
just watch and see what happens.

522
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:20,589
What are you smiling at?
Nothing.

523
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,591
For crying out loud, take this
soft-core off the TV right now.

524
00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:24,034
Why is this pillow wet?
Furguson...

525
00:21:24,075 --> 00:21:26,244
Jess, I have to see
how the story ends.

526
00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:28,997
There isn't any plot! This is the
wrong time to stop this, trust me.

527
00:21:29,039 --> 00:21:31,225
Get you and your wet pillow and
your big old legs out of here.

528
00:21:31,249 --> 00:21:33,227
Nick, I know you want that.
I don't want to eat that.

529
00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:35,628
Get that damn pizza
out of my mouth!

530
00:21:39,966 --> 00:21:42,126
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org