Oliver Putnam, long considered
New York's most un-land-able bachelor, is in love.
That's right. This merchandise is off the market, bruh.
Ah! Loretta. Whom you have yet to ask out.
_
You're not supposed to be here.
There was someone in his dressing room.
Whose lipstick is this? _
I would imagine it belongs to our killer.
You found my lipstick.
Charles-Haden Savage, I'd be honored.
The answer is yes.
I would love to marry you!
This is a fun twist.
Ah, love! You gotta love it.
Everywhere you look, there it is.
But in the city that never sleeps,
how do you really know who the hell you're sleeping with?
People can conceal some very dirty secrets.
Or fatally fatal flaws.
Everything's fine.
Joy's just loudly shattering sea glass to put in her aquarium.
Sure, sure.
Uh, have you asked your new fiancée about the lipstick yet?
Did she write "fucking pig" on Ben's dressing room mirror?
Oh yeah. No. But, I will.
Charles, you said you would ask her two days ago.
Let us in. We can talk to her.
I am handling the situation in my own time.
See, I told you he didn't need our help,
but I do. Does this scarf say,
"Loretta, I've loved you since the first day I met you"?
I don't know what the scarf is saying, but all I can see is a crayon box.
Ah. Well, see, that's why
we always carry a backup.
- Thank you, Mabel. - Charles,
I can calmly talk to Joy.
You know, investigator woman to suspect woman.
She is not another Jan. I... think. She could be
but it's important for me to be able to interrogate
my murderous girlfriend... fiancée...
Shit.
What about my hair?
Is it giving Karen...
or Cary Grant?
Hold on.
- Mabel Mora, are you going out on a date? - Date?
No! I... No. No.
Tobert has a suspect he has a lead on.
I'm meeting him for a stakeout,
and the place has a dress code.
- Well, it's a date. - Yeah.
It's a stakeout! When two totally platonic,
semi-professional investigators wait together,
in an out-of-sight, enclosed space,
and watch while a suspect hopefully incriminates themselves,
while we hold in our pee for hours
and eat stale Cheetos.
In a cocktail dress.
Look, I'm gonna unmute your texts.
I'll be in the wings if anything should go haywire.
I'll be okay.
Oy.
Is it possible you're sleeping next to a lunatic, or a liar?
Sure, it is.
But I always tell people, better lose your mind loving
than to live your life loveless.
It's been a while since I dipped my quill
in a woman's ink pot.
Any new moves I should know about?
Please don't make me take the next one.
sync and corrections by awaqeded www.addic7ed.com.
Joy, can you come in here, please?
♪ Here comes the bride, all dressed in white ♪
♪ She's wearing a thong, we hope that's not wrong ♪
♪ We're late to taste ♪
♪ Magnolia Bakery wedding cakes ♪
- Charlie, you ready to go? - Yeah!
Yeah. Hey, Joy!
Hey, this, uh, Ruby Strippers lipstick?
- Uh-huh. - Did I tell you where we found it?
It was backstage.
- Okay... - Yeah. It was...
in Ben's dressing room to be exact.
I mean, any clue how that would've gotten there?
Hey, Brazzos.
Hang up your badge, okay?
We're on hiatus.
Remember?
Yeah, b-but just for my case files, how would it have gotten there?
Seriously, President McKinley?
This is your last strike!
President McKinley?
I always wanted to be friends with a president,
but this one's an asshole.
You think I don't see what you're doing, you slimy-finned terrorist?
I do not tolerate bullies.
You're in solitary, POTUS.
Joy,
someone wrote a threatening message on Ben's mirror with this.
Do you know anything about that?
Charles-Haden Savage.
Do you honestly think I had something to do with Ben's death?
- Whoa! - Happy engagement!
Ow!
Whoa! Charles, you gotta get you to my Pilates guy.
And my face guy.
You got a little Shar-Pei action going on there.
- Sazzmatazz! - Almond Joy!
Oh...
You know, they say a gift given in love
has the power to wipe away any storm brewing.
It's an 18-piece fondue set.
- Oh, thank you. - Aw, we missed ya, Sazzmanian Devil.
Well, Wile E. Joy-ote,
apparently not enough for your new fiancé
to make me his understudy in the play.
- Oh, well, I... - I'm over it.
I'm doing stunts for Bakula next week in LA.
Are you cheating on me with Scott?!
Ooh.
Woo!
Do send Scotty my love.
I miss his faith in me.
He never accuses me of horrible things.
You know what, Charles?
You trust my palate, right?
I think that, uh, I can taste test these cakes on my own.
You stay here with Sazz.
Maybe she wants to be interrogated.
Ooh.
Okay, talk to mama.
- Oh! Oliver, you're here. - Ah.
- I thought I heard someone. - You're a vision.
Well...
Enchanté, ma chérie.
Oh. Welcome to my slice of New York.
It's itty-bitty, but it's, you know, it's...
- Oh! Mm-hmm. - Art!
It's art.
Who are you?
I'm a woman with a broken microwave.
Which is why I'm forced to improvise with this...
prehistoric broiler that I never use!
You do like pork chops though, don't you?
Oh, sure. Love solid food. Love...
chewing on a chop.
Yeah.
You know, I zap a perfectly pink one in my microwave.
- Yeah? Mm... - But it's broken and now my timing,
- the temperature, all thrown off. - C-Can I assist?
No, just, uh, pop a squat, kumquat.
Oh.
So... unique.
What's this fun thing?
- Oh no! Don't open that! Don't do that! - Oh!
S... I'm sorry. I didn't...
Didn't mean to jump the gun.
Dinner before dessert, I always say.
Oh.
There you are.
- Hi. - Hi.
You look fantastic.
Thanks. You also look, um...
Well, you know, I clean up.
So, we're here because your suspect
likes swanky piano bars?
Oh, I already ordered us some, uh, bites.
I wasn't sure what your drink was.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm welcome...
Wait, what's going on? Wh-Where's your lead?
Hey, cool cats.
I'm Johnny Jay, and I'm gonna sing for you tonight.
♪ Just a song at twilight ♪
♪ When the lights are low ♪
Jonathan?
Howard's sweet boyfriend is your guy?
Well, he was. I thought he was a great suspect.
Ben's understudy?
Who else had more to gain from him dying, you know?
But, I've been following him around for a while now,
and all I could find out was that he volunteers with Broadway Cares
and has this fantastic weekly cabaret set.
- You've gotta be kidding me. - No, seriously.
He did, uh, Somewhere Over The Rainbow last week. I actually wept.
Let me get this straight. You texted me saying you have a lead.
I text you saying "tell me more."
You say "meet me here," I'm here,
and now you're telling me you don't have a lead.
You're just Jonathan's biggest cabaret fan.
And now, I am on a date with that cute girl from the armoire.
Okay, yes, I got creative. Is that okay?
Mezcal old-fashioned.
Is my drink.
That I'm now gonna need.
Yes, ma'am.
Let's unpack what just happened.
Safe space. Well, safe-ish.
This is the Arconia.
Oh, abnormal amount of death in this place.
By the way, are we sure that the killer was after Ben,
- and not you, Charles? - What?
Well, I've been getting some vibes.
I also have my ham radio,
and there's chatter of people wishing it was you instead of Ben.
- Me?! - Anywhos,
what's going on with Joy?
And have you talked to a therapist about it?
- I don't have a therapist. - I know you don't.
It was always worth me asking, 'cause that big white head of yours?
Could use a good shrinking.
Ah, Jan and I laugh about that.
- Jan? - Whoa!
I should've trigger-warned. Yes, yes.
I have continued to see Jan, yes.
As in dating? She's a murderer.
Yeah.
You know, I guess it's the, uh, stuntwoman in me.
I got the hots for danger.
Anyway, it's a bit hard behind plexiglass.
Or, as Jan calls it, sexi-glass.
There's only so much you can do with a raised eyebrow,
a wet lip, and a sliver of tit.
God, you are tense, man.
Sazz.
- I'm worried that Joy is another killer. - What?!
Joy?
We've known her for decades.
No, no, no, no, no.
You've got the case and the engagement all mushed up.
You have to prove to yourself Joy's not a murderer,
so you can go ahead with the wedding.
No. I have to prove Joy isn't a murderer,
so I can break up with her
and not be in fear for my life like I was with Jan!
Charles, you are suffering from MGDS:
Murderous Girlfriend Derangement Syndrome.
It's rare. I invented it.
But it also means I know the treatment.
Whoa. You know you got the Rolls Royce of fish tanks here.
We're gonna play a game.
Cheers.
So glad we didn't waste our money going to Le Cirque.
Yeah.
Hm...
Mm.
Mm...
It's so solid. So fully formed, you know?
- Damn broiler. I'm just... - No, it's just...
Oh, what the hell, I'm just gonna...
Look at this. That's what I'm gonna...
- Well... - Wh-Why cut it?
Why not?
So good.
- Oh, my God! - Oh!
So sorry!
- Is that mine?! - Oh no, I'm so mortified!
Let me get you some ice or something.
No, no, no, I don't... I-I actually don't feel anything...
- You sure? - No.
Oh God.
I love that little snort you do.
- You do? - Yeah,
I do. You're like an adorable little piglet.
I played a pig in the cruise ship production
of Charlotte's Web once, in my 30s,
but I think I really honed my snort
when I played Snowball in a black box production
of, um, Animal Farm.
How many pigs have you played?
I don't know.
Come on.
Fucking pigs. Fucking pi...
Hey, you know who was a real fucking pig?
Ben Glenroy.
Let's toast to him.
- What's the matter? - N-Nothing.
You just went white.
No, no, no, nothing. I just, um, it's just those words.
Did you ever tell Ben that?
That he was a, how'd you put it, a fucking pig?
Let's not talk about Ben now. I mean...
Yes! No, no, no. No, no, no, n...
No more Ben talk. No more Ben. No Ben.
Just...
Did I just make things weird?
- No! No, no, no. No. Just... - Yes.
You poor thing. Your tooth.
Do you trust me?
Huh?
Wanna get outta here?
I know just the place for this.
♪ Meet me tonight in dreamland ♪
Mm! Okay, so your drink of choice, mezcal.
Your weather of choice, rain. And your favorite time of day, night.
Not exactly a fount of information, are you?
Hey, you got me here under false pretenses.
I'm making you work for it.
That's fair. So, um, Oliver and Charles, what is that deal?
Are they, like, your dads, your patrons,
your volunteer work, what?
No! They're... my best buds.
Okay. That's rad.
But, like, what do you talk about?
Murder, mostly.
And how to connect to Bluetooth. We talk about that a lot.
So what do you say? Have I earned a second round?
- Yes, ma'am? - Two more, please.
Coming right up.
Alright, so who's in your crew? And wildlife doesn't count.
Honestly, it's really tough to stay in contact
with anybody when you're constantly traveling.
And if you don't have a partner to ground you, put down roots...
Is that something you want?
I think about it.
Welcome to "Commit Or Be Committed!"
And tonight's contestants are me,
in the role of Joy Payne,
makeup artist to the stars.
And playing opposite Joy, you know him as Brazzos,
- Charles-Haden Savage! - Hey.
Our first category...
is sexual relations.
Now, remember. I'm Joy.
I need sex twice a day,
three times on weekends!
Wrong answer!
Nothing wrong with a supercharged sex drive, Charles.
Our next category is the future.
You are my future.
And I'll never, ever leave you, Charlie. Ever!
Never! Never ever!
Well! Our first green light.
Alright. You're up. Dig deep.
Joy has been this close to my face for 30-plus years,
looking at every flaw and pore,
and she still wants to jump my bones, often twice a day.
Now, isn't that the behavior of a psychopath?
Mm, sounds like the behavior of someone who loves you for you.
But I'm me.
Look at me. Is this the face of someone who deserves Joy?
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
I think we have a diagnosis.
Charles-Haden Savage,
you're not afraid of uppercase "J" Joy.
You're afraid of lowercase "j" joy.
That's it.
That's my problem.
Now do you still think she's capable of murder?
No, I was crazy for thinking that.
No, you're not that complex. You do need to stop being a scaredy cat.
Whoa.
Wow!
- Oh, my gosh. - You know, it is truly amazing
that you can charter a yacht
in the greatest city on Earth for four dollars.
Yeah.
Is there a destination?
- The tropics? - You'll see.
Pick your poison.
Poison?
Or...
Hoo-wee!
Now, we're talking.
- Look, that joint has purple rolling paper. - I know.
Groovy-doobie.
Do you doobie, baby?
My 12th roommate, Babette Claus,
gave me this back in 1978.
- Wait, Babette? I-Is... - Yeah.
Is that the chorus girl that got struck by lightning
- skinny dipping in Central Park... - Skinny dipping, Central Park Reservoir.
- I know... Mm-hmm. - Oh my... Okay, this is... this is insane.
I rolled 10 joints for Babette
using a purple streamer from Studio 54 that year.
- At Grace Jones'... - Her 30th birthday party!
Yes!
- I was at that party! Yes, I was! - No, you were not.
Oh, my God!
That's the only time I ever got in there.
This is ridic... I can't believe this. I think I rolled that joint.
- Now, spark it, baby! - Wow.
So I guess... I guess we've been
running in the same circles for a long time.
- Oh, yes. - It's a shame our orbits never crossed.
Well, I may not have been on your radar,
but you were certainly on mine.
I would've killed to be in one of your productions but...
something always happened to screw it up.
Like my ponytail got stuck in the subway doors once
on the way to audition for your Merry Wives.
Oh, and then there was the time Bernadette Peters
gave me a bottled water that was laced with Valium.
And then I passed out in the waiting room,
and I missed the chance to be your Annie Oakley.
You made that all up, didn't you?
Oh Jesus.
Dear God. Oh my...
Wow.
Yeah, but you know, it is always something
just infuriatingly, um, banal.
Like, "your accent is too authentic,"
o-or, "casting doesn't like you," or... I don't know.
You know, when I was a kid, they called me Lucky Durkin
because I won the school raffle four times.
But, since then...
Some nickname that turned out to be.
Maybe I'm just cursed.
Or... it's probably...
what I deserve.
Oh, come on. What could you have done to deserve being cursed?
Open your mouth.
That was super sexy.
Am I crazy?
I thi...
I think the gap is handsome.
Well, that might be the 40-year-old weed taking effect,
you know?
♪ There let my dreams... ♪
♪ Come true... ♪
God, I can't believe you ever thought Jonathan was...
♪ A murdering man ♪
That's still not a song, but cute.
So, what, you solved the first two murders just on your first try, I presume?
Yeah, totally. Between me, Charles, and Oliver,
it's just, like, a one-day process.
Well, lucky for me, this one's taking you a little bit longer.
Oh, there's Jonathan again.
Who's he hugging hello?
No! Don't look. Don't draw attention.
Could Jonathan be...
No, he wouldn't cheat on Howard.
With who? There's somebody? Describe him.
Well, he looks like he should be in a limo.
Rider or driver, I can't tell.
That's your description?
- He's wearing a red coat and a cap. - Huh.
Oh, now Jonathan's handing him an envelope,
and the guy is giving him a slip of paper?
Okay, this is killing me. I'm just gonna come to that side,
- and we can both be watching. - No!
- Sorry! Sorry. You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I think we should stay down here for a second.
Yeah.
- Okay, I gotta look. - No, no, no, don't.
You look, he'll definitely see you.
I mean, unless we do the classic move
from the secret spy movies where the target looks,
and just sees two unassuming secret agents making out.
Yeah, I don't think that'll be necessary.
- They didn't see us. - Well.
Ah, we should've done the kissing thing.
What the hell?
We need to figure out who this guy in the cap is.
Actually, I think I do know that guy.
We were very tired.
We were very merry.
We had gone back and forth all night on the ferry.
This is really...
really nice.
It is.
I'm sorry about earlier.
At my place.
I didn't mean to get weird about Ben.
I just had an idea about tonight
and talking about a dead person just didn't feel like the mood.
Well, it-it-it's alright to talk about him.
You know, I mean it-it's quite the thing we all went through.
- Yeah. - It's just...
that was a very...
specific turn of phrase you used.
"Fucking pig."
Yeah, shit, because I...
I did call him that.
We had a fight.
Yeah.
Just half an hour before he went on the stage that night.
He said that I was obsessed with him,
and that, uh, I had wormed my way into the show
and that he didn't really want to share the stage with a no-name.
So, I... Yeah, I snapped.
"You fucking pig."
Let go of me, you fucking pig!
The last thing I said to him...
before he collapsed. Ugh.
But I was...
far from the only person in that theater who felt that way about him.
He was an asshole to everybody.
Even his...
kind-hearted brother.
But I'm really sorry you didn't get your opening night.
Well, I'm sorry he was terrible to you.
I adore you,
Loretta Lucky Durkin,
and everything about you.
Apart from that pork chop. I'll never forgive you for that.
Here we are.
This is why I brought you out on the ferry!
What?
Family tradition.
When I was a girl, whenever I lost a tooth,
my mom would take me out on the Mississippi River,
on the ferry boat and
when we got underneath a bridge,
we'd throw the tooth overboard
and make a wish.
The Tooth Fairy can swim?
- It's... - Tooth ferry.
- Tooth ferry! - Yeah.
- Okay, okay. - I know, it's really corny.
Oh, I-I'm a...
- big fan of corny. - Well, here's your tooth.
Right. Alright.
What'd you wish for?
So who was he?
That was... Thank you. That was Ben's private doctor.
One of those, uh, celebrity concierge,
anything-you-need prescription-filler types.
He's actually come to see Ben a few times this past year.
Huh. You know what for?
Uh, they never let me in the room. I just know they call him Dr. C.
Great, that's a perfect combination
of mysterious and un-Googleable.
But what was he talking to Jonathan about?
And if Jonathan was paying him for something...
You are so cute when you theorize.
We should get outta here.
Hey! I'm sorry you missed Sazz.
She asked me to give you a playful punch on the arm,
but I don't wanna do that. How'd the tasting go?
I brought back 20 samples,
so I wouldn't accidentally leave a particular flavor behind
and have you give me the third degree about it.
Oh, about that.
I-I'm sorry I gave you a hard time about the lipstick.
I was backstage on opening night.
Oh?
Howard summoned me back there in a panic
because Ben had a cosmetic emergency.
I don't know, I guess somebody hit him in the face,
and left a big red mark,
- and it needed covering, which I did. - Oh, wow.
I'm guessing that my lipstick fell out of my clutch when I was back there.
But I didn't write on his mirror
because I didn't kill Ben, Charlie.
Well, here's one I never told anyone.
I may, uh... probably,
have been the person who hit Ben.
Let go of me, you fucking pig!
What the hell's going on?
- He attacked me! - No, I didn't...
We were rehearsing. Stay out of it, fuckbag!
Hey!
Wait, you hit Ben? The night he died?
And yet, for some reason,
you've been thinking that I could be the killer?
Wh... For how long?
- Oh, not long at all. - Oh.
I mean, at first, I was like, "Joy? My Joy? No way!"
But then, Oliver and Mabel weren't so sure.
Wh... You talked about this with everyone else except me?
And you still proposed thinking all this?
Well, you know, funny story.
That was actually an accident.
Accident?
Well...
No. Not a... I mean, it was, but then...
You didn't mean to propose to me?
No, I didn't.
What?
Wow. Okay.
Gut punch.
So...
But...
Do you wanna marry me now?
I do! And it was great that you left me with Sazz
because she did this thing with the fish tank, and a quiz.
And it was like, uh, "Is Joy a nymphomaniac?"
Do you hear yourself right now?
I think of all the years of you in my makeup chair, Charlie.
Joking.
Little winks in the mirror.
That kick in your step when you hopped up,
looking good to go to the set.
I always thought we had something special, Charlie!
So I looked past all the stuff.
Your ego, your self-absorption,
your psoriasis elbows.
- You gave me a cream... - It's not working!
You know, Charlie,
I've been trying to have an open dialogue
about what we both want.
But I'm kidding myself to think you're really ready
to open up to a woman as open as I am.
I tried telling myself you're gonna change,
but I think it might be too late for you.
No.
It's not too late because I have realized
you are Joy...
and joy.
And I can embrace both of you.
And I want to, Joy.
I do. I do.
Embrace this.
The engagement's off.
Only two other men have seen this before.
I was pretty confident going into tonight,
but I did not expect to get all the way to the Murder Board.
- Wow, really? - Due diligence.
You really know how to make a guy feel special.
- May I? - Uh, I...
don't know. I'm worried about your handwriting.
You shouldn't be.
Well...
Look at us. Real-life Rizzoli and Isles over here.
What are you doing?
Following the lead.
I may not be good at dinner...
But you excel at dessert.
Shall I draw us a bath?
- You have one in here? - Well, it's...
more of a glorified barrel.
Sounds cozy-wozy.
I will say one other thing about love.
There are times
when you've been totally blinded
by the mirage of your own desires.
Hm.
And when the truth of who you gave your heart to,
of who they really are
is suddenly staring you right in the face?
It might be a sign that things just aren't meant to be.
Or worse.
_
Oliver?
I'm waiting...
sync and corrections by awaqeded www.addic7ed.com.