- Are you going out on a date? - Date?
No! Tobert has a suspect he has a lead on.
I'm meeting him for a stakeout,
and the place has a dress code.
Jonathan? Howard's sweet boyfriend was your guy?
Who else had more to gain from him dying, you know?
Who's he hugging hello?
He's wearing a red coat and a cap.
That was Ben's private doctor. One of those, uh, celebrity concierge,
anything-you-need prescription-filler types.
You're here! Welcome to my slice of New York.
Hey, you know who was a real fucking pig?
Ben Glenroy.
You didn't mean to propose to me?
No, I didn't.
Mabel, be my partner.
I already have partners.
The old guys? No, they're busy putting together
another bomb of a Broadway show, which leaves you where?
Shall I draw us a bath?
Oliver?
I'm waiting...
Theaters are known for their ghosts.
Take the Goosebury.
In 1919,
Gideon Goosebury was a rising star on the Great White Way.
But on opening night,
playing the lovesick chimney sweep in Ashes to Ashes,
a 300-pound sandbag came loose from the rafters
and brained him in the middle of his second-act monologue.
Legend has it,
if you don't sweep Gideon's energy off the stage every night,
he'll find a way to curse your show.
There was the cholera outbreak
that tore through the company of Hamlet in 1949,
John Gielgud's crippling shingles attack
during The Iceman Cometh revival in '88,
and now the death of Ben Glenroy.
When you make the stage a part of your life,
it can be hard to escape your personal ghosts, too.
Your obsessions.
Your failures.
Just when you think you've broken free from your old patterns,
boom.
They come back to haunt you.
I know, President McKinley,
Joy took everything.
Except you and me.
The guys with the attitude problems.
But we'll be fine.
We have each other.
But what do you do when your future starts haunting you?
The choices you'll never make. The lives you'll never lead.
What's more dangerous
than someone whose dreams have died?
Howard! What's wrong?
I have something I need to confess.
I killed Ben Glenroy.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
Legend has it,
three sweeps to the north,
three sweeps to the south, you're safe.
I did that every night during Death Rattle.
But on opening night,
I didn't sweep
and Ben died!
Hold on.
I thought you said you killed Ben Glenroy.
- Yes. - Now, you're saying
a ghost killed Ben Glenroy.
Yes, Charles! It's perfectly simple!
I was protecting our show from a malevolent spirit
with a nightly sweeping ritual.
But on opening night,
I went to get the broom from KT's office
and it was locked.
Strange noises coming from within.
I should have found her. I should have gotten the key.
But I try to never interact with KT because of her casual cruelty.
And her breath.
So I didn't sweep, and five hours later,
Ben was dead!
Howard, why haven't you told anyone about this before?
I guess I convinced myself it was all in my head.
But then, this morning,
- I saw him. - Who?
Gideon.
I was at the theater.
I was sweeping
because we're moving back into the theater tomorrow
and I wanna make sure it's completely ghost-free.
And I heard a noise.
Hello?
Is someone there?
I know Krav Maga!
And there he was,
in his signature cap and red coat.
I said...
Gideon Goosebury!
Is that you?
And he said...
Sure...
Howard, I hate to break it to you, but ghosts aren't real.
Oh, of course, they are.
Ho! Man in towel!
Yes, Charles, I'm aware.
- Spoiler alert. - Nope,
not the correct usage of that whatsoever.
- Plot twist? - Still no.
You know, I shot a ghost hunter doc once
and we spent an entire night aboard the haunted Queen Mary.
Around 3:00 AM, alone in the dining room,
I saw her with my own two eyes, the Lady in White.
Did you know that Queen Mary was England's first queen regnant?
A lot of people think it was Matilda from the 12th century
but she was never actually crowned.
Charles, if the goal was to offer a more interesting anecdote,
we're headed in the wrong direction.
Hello!
Is anyone hearing what I'm saying?!
There is a murderous ghost loose in our theater right now
and he's coming from one of us next!
Oh! God! I'm telling you...
Howard, breathe!
Hey, just, uh, give us a moment. Hm?
Hey, what's up with your tooth?
Oh, it's a temporary. If I like it,
the dentist says he'll do the rest to match. What do you think?
- Bright. Like a headlight. - Oh. Ah.
Okay. Obviously, Howard didn't see an actual ghost
but I still think it's worthwhile us going over there.
Oh, I totally agree.
S... Sorry. We're having a conversation here.
Mabel, did you hear what he said about the cap and the red coat?
- I mean, it kinda sounds like... - Ben's doctor?
- I had the same thought. - Jesus.
Right, so he saw us last night, and then realized he'd been made...
So he goes straight to the theater this morning to cover his tracks.
Exactly. I mean, if he and Jonathan are behind the poisoning,
then they'd definitely wanna make sure there's no evidence.
That's good.
Oh, sorry. Hi! We're still here.
Yeah, the original three who came into the dining room.
Yeah, remember that?
Yeah.
You suspect Jonathan now?
And you're investigating with this guy?
Jonathan was Ben's understudy. That's a pretty big motive.
And I told you I was going on a stakeout with Tobert last night.
Oh yeah. Right. I forgot.
I was probably preoccupied with Joy,
who left me, by the way. Spoiler alert.
Wait, Joy left you? When?
- Yesterday. - Are you okay, Charles?
Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.
This is not my first rodeo.
This old clown's been bucked by Lady Love before
and got back up to ride again.
Yee-haw!
- Very convincing. - Well, the point is I'm completely fine,
and Joy did not write "fucking pig."
Well, someone did.
Is it possible this ghost thing
is Howard trying to cover for Jonathan?
He sounded genuinely distraught.
And we all know that Howard can't act his way out of a damp paper bag.
Here's a thought. Why don't I go with Howard
to the theater alone?
I'll throw him a bone.
We can look into his ghost thing, you know?
- What? - Nothing, it's just surprising.
You haven't exactly been driving this investigation.
In fact, you've been anti-investigation.
Well, why don't I make it up to you with a little solo mish?
Mish is short f-for mishegoss.
No way. I'm coming, too.
- If you're going, so am I. - Alright, I'm gonna tell Tobert.
Wait! Mabel, a word? You know, we're kind of a trio.
And we're not hiring.
Alright, fine.
This'll be fun, the three of us together.
I've missed this.
Hey! Jack, Janet, and Chrissy, can we speed this up, please?!
It's a Three's Company reference!
Those were the original character names on the show
before they changed Chrissy to Cindy!
Why the fuck am I yelling?!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, I know! Because there is
a murderous ghost on the loose!
- It's dark in here. - Except for the ghost light.
Whoever Howard saw might still be here. Keep it down.
I'm sorry. I was saying the ghost light
is an old theater tradition.
It has to stay on at all times,
and it never ever goes out.
Nonbeliever says what?
That was kinda strange.
No, no, KT probably did it. She must be here running cues.
Why don't you all go see if she's in the booth behind the balcony
and I'll look around the dressing rooms? Good? Good.
No! We have to stick together.
That's right. First rule of every horror movie.
Never get separated.
All this commotion can't be good for President McKinley.
- The fish is named President McKinley? - Why is he here with us again?
Imagine you're in a fish tank all day long, and you look out,
and you see two people walking by.
And then one day, you only see one.
He could be traumatized.
That's exactly how Gideon died.
It is?
Could Gideon be out for me now?
Charles, do not make this all about you!
Okay, maybe it is about you.
Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Broom! I need that broom!
Damn it, Howard, you made me fuck up my highlighting.
KT, we may have an issue.
The issue is I was just nearly killed by two falling sandbags.
Ladies and gentlemen, stay calm.
I'm gonna need everyone to keep the stage clear
while I safety check the flies.
Now, who has small hands who can help me test the ropes?
Take Howard. He has hands like an American Girl doll.
- I do not. - Howard, go with KT.
Do literally whatever she says.
Hey.
- Is this an attendance sheet? - Yeah, it's a sign-in sheet.
You sign in when you come in at half hour.
Handwriting samples from the whole cast.
We can use this to compare to the "fucking pig" on Ben's mirror.
Oh, I don't know. I don't think that would be very helpful.
It's exactly the kind of thing that you would do.
I basically pulled it from the Oliver Putnam playbook.
Well, that playbook is mine to play with,
so gimme that.
Is he leaking? His water seems low.
I still don't understand why you brought him.
Oh. Well,
this is a little embarrassing to say, but...
this fish is all I have right now.
It's not like all of us have hot new boyfriends.
Tobert is not my boyfriend.
Oh, so you do pronounce the final T.
It's not like a French cheese. Tobere...
Uh, garçon? S'il vous plaît, I would like a le Tobere.
- Oh, oui, monsieur. Et votre... - Okay!
- I'm just gonna cut you off at the cheese. - Well...
did you record with him for our podcast?
- No! - Well,
you showed him our Murder Board.
And how about our red string? Did you let his handsome fingers
move our red string around?
- Charles. - Well, how can we trust you
with confidential case information
when we know you might share it with a stranger at any moment?
How can you trust me? Wha... I...
And he's not a stranger.
We just have to be careful who we get involved with.
Yeah, and I think I have a better track record with that than you.
Tobert has done more for this case
in the past two days than you have the past two weeks.
Okay, yeah. But I've been busy.
Yeah, but I...
- Where the hell is Oliver? - You know,
President McKinley is definitely leaking.
I need to find something to put him in.
I think there's a props closet down the hall.
Yeah, you go ahead and do that,
Oliver can do whatever the hell he's doing,
and I'll keep investigating, alone, as usual!
Okay...
I really don't see it.
How many ways are there to write an F anyway?
Son of a bitch.
Guys?
Th-There's something here I think you should see.
Hello?
Is someone there?
I also know Krav Maga!
Hello?
I'm coming up, so...
I'm here.
So...
My God, this looks like the Phantom of the Opera's college dorm room.
You're right. I never should have brought you here.
Hello. Get you a little water.
No problem. Ooh.
You're an indoor fish. You belong in a tank.
Water is water, right?
Hey, who loves you? Go ahead, stretch out.
I'll be back to get you when we're done.
Hello.
Really?
Hello? Hello!
No need to panic.
My friends will notice I'm gone,
and they'll come back to get me.
I said don't panic!
Ah!
Ow!
Jesus Christ, you bit me.
Yeah, well, that's just the tip of the incisor, you fucking...
Jerry? Jerry Blau?
Oliver. Oh, thank God, a fellow director.
You shouldn't sneak up on people like that, Jerry!
I'm not a young man! You could've given me a heart attack!
I'm sorry, Ollie. I thought you were someone coming to kick me out.
What are you doing here?
Donna fired you off this show a year ago.
Are you living in here?
No. I mean, yes. I'm squatting.
But there's a rich tradition of that in the theater, right?
Right.
I did spend a complicated three months
living in Maureen Stapleton's mud room.
But this is a different situation! You shouldn't be here, Jerry.
Just wait. I can explain.
Have a seat.
Can I interest you in a snack?
No, I'm good. Thanks.
It's so nice having company.
Oh!
Charles? Oliver?
- Tobert? - Wow. Look,
I know that you wanted to be with your guys, okay?
But I decided to tail Jonathan and he led me right here to the theater.
Shh.
That's him.
Alright, come on. Let's go.
Maybe unhand me?
- Oh! Yeah, sorry. - Thanks.
Hey, I'm glad you came.
- You don't like me, do you? - You're irrelevant to the show.
Therefore, you're irrelevant to me.
Irrelevant? I have been protecting this show
from negative spirits since day one.
And if you hadn't locked your office on opening night,
I wouldn't have missed a day and Ben Glenroy might still be alive.
First of all, my office door is never locked.
It was locked on opening night.
Not by me it wasn't. And what negative spirits?
Not Gideon.
You know about Gideon?
Fuck it, Howard, I've done 43 shows in this building!
Of course, I know about Gideon!
Shh!
But do you know how dangerous he can be?
I do. That's why I was sweeping.
Fuckin' amateur hour. Sweeping does nothing.
- It doesn't? - Mm-mmm.
This is the closest I've ever come to my dream job
and I fucked it up.
Your dream job was to be an assistant?
No, an actor. I always wanted to act.
But then, in junior high,
I got cast as John Proctor in The Crucible.
Mm.
It was thrilling at first.
Feeling the spotlight warm my face
the first time I delivered my big monologue.
But after the show, my mother told me
my stage voice was matronly and shrill.
She said she never wanted to hear me use that voice again in public.
So I quit before I even began.
Damn.
I always wanted to be a director.
But that ship has sailed.
Don't say that.
You're not Gideon.
You're not dead. Yet.
You don't sweep Gideon away.
You have to include him. Come on.
How long have I been abandoned? One hour? Five hours?
Nice to know I'm missed, huh?
You know what?
Maybe you're right.
If you piss off everyone in your tank,
how can you blame them when you end up alone?
Wh-Why did I have to make fun of that guy's name? "Tobert."
It's a perfectly good name!
But we're gonna get through this, you and me.
You don't mind if I relieve myself, do ya?
I had two cups of coffee,
and who knows how long we're gonna be in here.
After Donna fired me,
Marshall and I had a dispute
about my ability to continue paying our mortgage
and I was asked to vacate the premises.
Luckily, this place is free,
as long as I don't get caught. Shh...
So, you're the ghost?
Your manservant spotted me this morning.
I heard him ranting about Gideon Goosebury,
and I thought if I could pretend to be him,
offer a few frights, drop a few sandbags,
it might scare you all off.
Long shot, I know, but...
is there also any chance that you killed Ben Glenroy?
Really, Oliver? I'm offended.
I may have suffered a minor career setback
but I'm not a monster!
Ah! Oh my... Is that a rat?!
You came on a good night.
I doubt I'll have a good night ever again.
You okay, Ollie?
You know the first rule of theater?
Don't feed Hugh Jackman after midnight.
- The other one. - Oh!
You fell in love with one of your actors.
Yes.
- Lady with the braids? - Mm-hmm.
Now you're worried because of her violent temper.
What? Wh-What violent temper?
Well, you know what happened backstage on opening night?
Oh! You don't know.
Well luckily, you're not the only director here.
Voilà. Puppets.
Oh good lord.
See? I keep busy.
So then, I say to the guy,
"Look, if you're so tough,
then you ride the moped into the chimp enclosure."
- And he goes... - he go...
Mr. President!
- Thank you. - Uh... Give those back.
- What's this? - Dr. Hiram Camareri.
- Dr. C, I presume? - I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on, Jonathan. You know we just saw you
with Ben's doctor last night.
Alright. Fine.
I've been really anxious since taking over Ben's part.
It's a lot of pressure being the lead.
So I asked Dr. C for some help. He could get Ben anything he wanted.
So he gave me the "leading man cocktail."
It's a mix of beta blockers, Propecia, HGH,
and just a dash of methamphetamine.
All the same things Ben was taking.
So you didn't wanna be the lead.
No.
And please don't tell Howard.
He wouldn't understand.
It's his dream,
but he has no idea what it's like
to carry the weight of an entire show on your shoulders.
Everybody knows you don't take a fish in the theater, you idiot!
Oh jeez!
President McKinley! Oh!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
I saved you from your second assassination attempt.
This is the universe telling us that no matter what kind of hardships,
we... Wait. Is that an intercom?
Hello? This is Charles.
This... I'm in the... Can you hear me? I'm in the prop room!
Hey!
Ah! Ah! Ah...
Hey, w-we got a smoke issue!
Now, at half hour on the night in question,
I saw Braids Lady jawboning with Mr. Movie Star Man
while they were rehearsing their big fight scene
on the steps of the lighthouse.
Something set her off.
Probably Movie Man taking the stage-choking a scooch too far.
He gets rough, so she gets in his face
and calls him, and I quote,
a "Cocksucking ding-dong."
That doesn't sound like her.
I'm up in the rafters. I'm only getting every third word.
It could have been "fucking pig."
Anyway, now,
the Albino Fella comes along.
You mean Charles?
The has-been with the hair, yeah.
He comes right in the middle of all of this
and clocks Mr. Movie Star right in the kisser.
Blammo!
Charles punched Ben?
You didn't know any of this?
Are you sure this'll work?
It's worked 42 times before.
And this is the actual monologue Gideon was giving the moment he died?
Yep. Now, call him to the stage.
Gideon, are you there?
Oh, come on! Use your stage voice!
Sing out, Louise!
- Oh, Gideon. - Your stage voice!
Oh, Gideon!
We come not to banish but to praise you!
Join us so we may finish
your great unfinished work!
- Don't forget to direct me. - Oh. Okay.
"Oh, Irene, how could a poor sweep like me
ever hope to win the love of a fine lady like yourself?"
- It's a strong start. - Thanks.
If you are seeing this video,
it means that I am dead.
I perished alone
with only a fish as my witness.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Charles,
why didn't you scream?" Well, I did!
"Why didn't you call somebody on your phone?"
Because I'm in a closet with no bars!
"Why didn't you use your jimmy keys?"
Jimmy keys?
Hello, baby.
What do we really know?
Loretta hated Ben.
She was violent towards Ben.
She had a motive and opportunity to kill Ben.
But, does that make her a murderer or just...
quirky?
God, I'm screwed, aren't I?
Oliver, how far do you and I go back?
All the way back to our original hairlines.
All the way back to the dawn of off-off-off-Broadway.
And back then, you told me the key to directing.
Yes, I remember.
- Remind me. - You said,
"The only wrong choice is no choice.
Indecision is death."
I said that? Jesus, it's so bleak.
You are not a young man, Oliver.
You said so yourself.
It's time to shit or get off the bucket.
Choose what matters to you
and then do whatever you have to do to get it.
Or you'll end up like me.
Neither behind the scene or on stage.
More dead than alive.
Thanks, Jer. I know what I have to do.
Oliver, you won't tell anyone I'm here, right?
I won't tell. But...
you should really go home to Marshall.
And eat his food?
So Ben was on all of those drugs.
Well, when Jonathan said the cocktail had a dash of meth,
why didn't that show up in his autopsy?
Oh! Oh, thank God!
Charles?!
- Mother? - Charles!
Oh! Mabel! I was trapped.
Years went by! Do I have a beard? Is SNL still on?
You were gone for 20 minutes.
Oh, well, I-I'm parched and I'm weak.
You know what, let me see if I can find you some electrolytes.
Thank you! Finally, someone's thinking about me!
Thank you, Tobert!
Did you ask him to come down here? Are we partnering with him now?
He came here on his own to follow a lead,
like investigators do in an investigation.
Oh, I'm sorry, but who left who to die in a fog closet?
Who left...
I swear, you and Oliver are working my last nerve today.
Really? Where is Oliver?
Hey!
"When I think of you giving your heart to another,
I die a thousand deaths."
- Bigger! - "A thousand deaths!"
Yes, it's working! Okay, pace it up!
"I'll never rest until we're together
as we were meant to be."
Yes! Feel him inside you!
Gideon!
Gideon is with us!
Oliver, stop! What are you doing?!
- I'm making a choice. - That's evidence!
This isn't a crime scene anymore, Mabel. The police got their guy.
It's a dressing room.
And since we're coming in here tomorrow for rehearsal,
it needs to be cleaned.
Oliver, you're crossing a line.
Oh, I'm crossing a line?
This from the guy who punched Ben Glenroy on the night of the murder
and conveniently forgot to tell us about it.
You what? You punched Ben?
Because he attacked Loretta and I told him to stay away from her.
But the real question is,
why is your production so out of control
that your actors are beating each other up on opening night?
Oh, this is my fault, is it?
Well, you're the director. Someone has to be responsible for the fact
that your show is a death trap.
Today alone, I almost died three times.
- What? - Two sandbags and a killer fog.
Well, I'm so, so sorry for trying to breathe life
into your dead career by putting you on Broadway.
My career was not dead.
Did you know that Brazzos wanted to do burrito-sodes?
Thirty-second bonus episodes available exclusively
on the Chipotle app but I said no because I wanted to do this
which I realize now was a huge mistake!
Oh, it was, huh? Well maybe,
I should have hired someone who could actually sing!
Well, maybe you should have because I quit.
- Fine! - Fine!
Charles!
Why didn't you tell me what happened with Ben on opening night?
Because she was his girlfriend and I was trying to protect him
'cause he's my buddy!
- Was. - Wait,
Loretta's a part of this, too? What else is she keeping from us?
I don't know and, frankly, I don't care.
Oliver, what the fuck are you doing?!
You know, you are like a dog with a bone, Mabel.
They arrested someone for Ben's murder, remember?
And yet, you keep trying to throw suspicion onto my cast.
You know, I know you've never had a grownup job before
but guess what? They matter.
- Wow. - Oliver.
In a few weeks, Loretta goes on to star
in Death Rattle Dazzle, and I finally get
what I've been working for my whole life.
I won't let you jeopardize that!
Cinda was right.
- What does that mean? - Cinda Canning?
Cinda fucking Canning asked me to partner with her
and I said that I was already part of a team.
She said that I don't need you guys
and I'm starting to see that she's right.
All I do is put up with your self-involved insanity!
The musical, the White Room, the proposal,
but a man is dead!
A man who actually meant something to me!
And I'm gonna figure out who did it
whether the two of you give a shit or not! I'm done!
Sometimes,
all you need to banish your ghosts...
is for someone to see you...
Bravo!
... and understand your dreams.
It's only when you're alone...
that the real haunting begins.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -