1 00:00:03,379 --> 00:00:05,882 So we've been called out to his hiking trail 2 00:00:05,915 --> 00:00:07,684 because there's some reports that some teenagers 3 00:00:07,717 --> 00:00:10,152 are digging bags of dog poop out of the trash 4 00:00:10,186 --> 00:00:12,088 and having dog poop fights. 5 00:00:12,121 --> 00:00:14,123 I don't believe it. 6 00:00:27,169 --> 00:00:29,071 Oh, my god, it's real. 7 00:00:29,105 --> 00:00:31,708 Uh, yeah, I'm not gonna-- I'm not gonna go deal with this. 8 00:00:31,741 --> 00:00:34,176 I'm leaving. 9 00:00:34,210 --> 00:00:35,411 Hey. 10 00:00:35,444 --> 00:00:37,013 Hey. 11 00:00:37,046 --> 00:00:38,781 Hello? Boys. 12 00:00:38,815 --> 00:00:40,216 I am Leslie knope. 13 00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:43,152 I work for the department of parks and recreation. 14 00:00:43,185 --> 00:00:45,187 Okay. 15 00:00:45,221 --> 00:00:46,255 All right. 16 00:00:46,288 --> 00:00:47,790 Cool it. Okay. 17 00:00:47,824 --> 00:00:49,125 No! Ahh! 18 00:00:49,158 --> 00:00:51,193 That's disgusting. What are you doing? 19 00:00:51,227 --> 00:00:53,696 No! Oh! Help! Help! 20 00:00:53,730 --> 00:00:55,264 Tom! 21 00:00:55,297 --> 00:00:56,799 Tom! Ahh! 22 00:00:56,833 --> 00:00:58,134 No! Ahh! 23 00:00:58,167 --> 00:00:59,368 Oh, it smells so bad. 24 00:00:59,401 --> 00:01:01,137 Oh! Oh! 25 00:01:01,170 --> 00:01:03,172 What would you think this was fun? Ow! 26 00:01:03,205 --> 00:01:04,741 Oh, really? Oh, really? 27 00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:06,075 Oh, really? Oh, hey, hey. 28 00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:07,409 You like it? Boom. 29 00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:12,181 Okay. Okay, here we go. 30 00:01:12,214 --> 00:01:13,883 Who wants it? 31 00:01:13,916 --> 00:01:17,453 Ha, ha. Whoo, missed it. 32 00:01:17,486 --> 00:01:19,355 Yeah, oh! 33 00:01:19,388 --> 00:01:21,323 Actually, this is a little fun. 34 00:01:21,357 --> 00:01:24,026 This is fun. 35 00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:27,229 Oh. 36 00:01:30,266 --> 00:01:38,274 * 37 00:01:47,249 --> 00:01:49,485 Oh, hey, Tom, check it out. 38 00:01:49,518 --> 00:01:51,788 Norton construction just sent this over. 39 00:01:51,821 --> 00:01:53,422 Whoa, mama. 40 00:01:53,455 --> 00:01:55,091 I love Great Lakes wine. 41 00:01:55,124 --> 00:01:56,225 You can have the wine. 42 00:01:56,258 --> 00:01:59,095 I wanna take that cheese and do terrible things to it. 43 00:01:59,128 --> 00:02:00,963 Oh, dah, dah, dah. 44 00:02:00,997 --> 00:02:01,964 No, no, no, no, no. 45 00:02:01,998 --> 00:02:04,300 You know as well as I do that we are not allowed 46 00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:08,170 to accept gifts over $25 for corruption reasons. 47 00:02:08,204 --> 00:02:11,040 We live in a fish bowl, and the public is always watching. 48 00:02:11,073 --> 00:02:12,508 That's why I go two towns over 49 00:02:12,541 --> 00:02:14,276 if I want to rent a movie with nudity in it. 50 00:02:14,310 --> 00:02:15,812 Mmm. 51 00:02:15,845 --> 00:02:17,513 Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that. 52 00:02:17,546 --> 00:02:18,948 But you cannot enjoy this basket. 53 00:02:18,981 --> 00:02:20,216 I'm so sorry. 54 00:02:20,249 --> 00:02:22,251 So to avoid temptation I'm gonna lock it up. 55 00:02:22,284 --> 00:02:24,153 When you're in the government, 56 00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:26,889 there's a million ways to exploit your power. 57 00:02:26,923 --> 00:02:28,791 Have I ever given in to that temptation? 58 00:02:28,825 --> 00:02:29,859 No, never. 59 00:02:29,892 --> 00:02:31,260 I'm not that kind of politician. 60 00:02:31,293 --> 00:02:32,094 Official parks and rec business. 61 00:02:32,128 --> 00:02:34,163 I just need to grab a quick hot dog. 62 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:35,364 Sorry about that, little girl. 63 00:02:35,397 --> 00:02:36,799 You can have the next one. 64 00:02:36,833 --> 00:02:39,201 I have a moral code, and I never violate it. 65 00:02:39,235 --> 00:02:40,436 People look at me and they say, 66 00:02:40,469 --> 00:02:42,071 "wow, Tom, you are so pure. 67 00:02:42,104 --> 00:02:44,106 "You're like a brown Superman with a beard 68 00:02:44,140 --> 00:02:46,876 "that just stands for justice and truth 69 00:02:46,909 --> 00:02:48,510 and the American way." 70 00:02:48,544 --> 00:02:51,247 So, Ann, I asked April to create 71 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,282 one of those social network Internet profiles 72 00:02:53,315 --> 00:02:55,151 for the Sullivan street pit. 73 00:02:55,184 --> 00:02:56,585 So are you guys ready for the debut? 74 00:02:56,618 --> 00:02:58,154 Yes, can we cut that red ribbon 75 00:02:58,187 --> 00:02:59,455 around your monitor now? 76 00:02:59,488 --> 00:03:01,590 Absolutely. I love a good ribbon cutting. 77 00:03:01,623 --> 00:03:04,060 Wow. 78 00:03:04,093 --> 00:03:06,195 Oh, April, that's good. Kids. 79 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:10,032 Hey, look, the pit already has six friends. 80 00:03:10,066 --> 00:03:11,400 Oh, yeah, Mark. Mark's a friend. 81 00:03:11,433 --> 00:03:13,102 Whoa, whoa, you guys gotta see Mark's profile. 82 00:03:13,135 --> 00:03:16,172 Look at the photos of these ladies on his page. 83 00:03:16,205 --> 00:03:17,874 Wow. Sick. 84 00:03:17,907 --> 00:03:19,475 Maybe those are his relatives. 85 00:03:19,508 --> 00:03:22,178 Yeah, maybe fake boobs run in his family. 86 00:03:22,211 --> 00:03:24,580 Look at this lady. She's got a thong on her face. 87 00:03:24,613 --> 00:03:27,116 Oh, my god, his favorite movie is dances with wolves. 88 00:03:27,149 --> 00:03:28,517 Okay, we're good. 89 00:03:28,550 --> 00:03:30,152 We'll keep checking in on this. 90 00:03:30,186 --> 00:03:31,187 Where is Mark anyway? 91 00:03:31,220 --> 00:03:32,621 Attending yet another meeting 92 00:03:32,654 --> 00:03:33,990 of the old boys' club. 93 00:03:34,023 --> 00:03:37,026 Politics is full of boys' clubs, 94 00:03:37,059 --> 00:03:38,995 formal and informal. 95 00:03:39,028 --> 00:03:40,930 Behind me are all the members of the city council 96 00:03:40,963 --> 00:03:42,464 over the past 30 years. 97 00:03:42,498 --> 00:03:44,033 And every day, as a woman, 98 00:03:44,066 --> 00:03:45,367 I have to walk past this wall of men. 99 00:03:45,401 --> 00:03:47,136 It can be very upsetting, 100 00:03:47,169 --> 00:03:49,271 especially because of that guy. 101 00:03:49,305 --> 00:03:50,907 No matter what direction I move, 102 00:03:50,940 --> 00:03:53,075 he's always staring at my chest. 103 00:03:53,109 --> 00:03:55,011 Hmm? 104 00:03:55,044 --> 00:03:56,412 See? 105 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,547 What are they doing out there? 106 00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:00,282 Wheeling and dealing. 107 00:04:00,316 --> 00:04:03,019 Divvying up the empire. 108 00:04:03,052 --> 00:04:04,586 Eh, my wife got me this shirt. 109 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,388 She swears it makes me look thinner. 110 00:04:06,422 --> 00:04:08,124 It kinda does. 111 00:04:08,157 --> 00:04:09,926 You know what we should do? Let's go out there. 112 00:04:09,959 --> 00:04:11,427 Let's bust up that old boys' club. 113 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:13,262 We're doing great work in the government. 114 00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:14,463 We deserve to be included. 115 00:04:14,496 --> 00:04:16,232 Sure, yeah, I could use a beer. 116 00:04:16,265 --> 00:04:17,633 Yes, Ann, that's good. Think like a man. 117 00:04:17,666 --> 00:04:19,301 April, we're leaving. 118 00:04:19,335 --> 00:04:21,337 You're in charge, and it's because you're a woman. 119 00:04:21,370 --> 00:04:23,272 What, do you really like red tape and uphill battles? 120 00:04:23,305 --> 00:04:25,507 Hey, Leslie. Hey. 121 00:04:25,541 --> 00:04:26,675 What is up? 122 00:04:26,708 --> 00:04:27,944 I'll tell you what's up. 123 00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:31,213 Couple of ladies are coming to bust up your little boys' club. 124 00:04:31,247 --> 00:04:33,149 Awesome. Glad to have you. 125 00:04:33,182 --> 00:04:34,516 Get you a beer. 126 00:04:34,550 --> 00:04:36,318 We're in. 127 00:04:36,352 --> 00:04:37,686 Hey, I'm Brian. Hi, Brian. 128 00:04:37,719 --> 00:04:39,255 Leslie knope, deputy director of-- 129 00:04:39,288 --> 00:04:40,622 drink that. Okay. 130 00:04:40,656 --> 00:04:43,259 I'm Ann, everyone. I don't work here. 131 00:04:43,292 --> 00:04:45,094 Ann. 132 00:04:45,127 --> 00:04:46,162 So what are you guys talking about? 133 00:04:46,195 --> 00:04:47,263 What's topic du jour? 134 00:04:47,296 --> 00:04:49,031 Oh, oh, oh. 135 00:04:50,699 --> 00:04:52,334 Did you hear that? 136 00:04:52,368 --> 00:04:54,003 That was the sound 137 00:04:54,036 --> 00:04:56,305 of a glass ceiling being shattered. 138 00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:59,575 The boys' club is more about socializing than work, you know? 139 00:04:59,608 --> 00:05:01,177 I mean, you gotta loosen up. 140 00:05:01,210 --> 00:05:03,579 I kinda feel like I'm already in the boys' club. 141 00:05:03,612 --> 00:05:07,616 I mean, look at those bitches clean up after me. 142 00:05:07,649 --> 00:05:10,152 So is this, like, your regular Tuesday night scene? 143 00:05:10,186 --> 00:05:12,621 Well, it's just a way to unwind, you know? 144 00:05:12,654 --> 00:05:14,556 Really different from your Friday night crowd, right? 145 00:05:14,590 --> 00:05:16,092 What crowd? 146 00:05:16,125 --> 00:05:18,227 You know, the girls with the tribal back tattoos 147 00:05:18,260 --> 00:05:19,528 who drink red bull for a living. 148 00:05:19,561 --> 00:05:20,963 Oh. That crowd. 149 00:05:20,997 --> 00:05:22,264 Oh, I like this. This is banter. 150 00:05:22,298 --> 00:05:23,399 Banter's fun. Where'd that come from? 151 00:05:23,432 --> 00:05:26,135 We were just on the computer looking at your profile. 152 00:05:26,168 --> 00:05:28,004 You know, you have a friend who has a tattoo 153 00:05:28,037 --> 00:05:31,407 that says "daddy's girl" and both words are misspelled. 154 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,742 Oh, mixing it up with the boys. 155 00:05:33,775 --> 00:05:35,277 What are you gonna say? What's your comeback? 156 00:05:35,311 --> 00:05:37,013 Those aren't really my friends anymore. 157 00:05:37,046 --> 00:05:38,647 I don't hang out with them. 158 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,082 Oh, boo. 159 00:05:40,116 --> 00:05:41,517 Brendanawicz, that's some weak sauce. 160 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:42,651 You need to hit harder. 161 00:05:42,684 --> 00:05:46,522 Natalie, it's your sister. 162 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:50,126 Pick me up or I'm gonna draw all over your jeans. 163 00:05:53,329 --> 00:05:55,064 Well, it's official, people. 164 00:05:55,097 --> 00:05:56,265 We're outta beer. 165 00:05:56,298 --> 00:05:57,599 Ahh, that's the cue. 166 00:05:57,633 --> 00:05:59,401 See you later, Leslie. 167 00:05:59,435 --> 00:06:01,170 It was nice hanging out, you know, after work hours. 168 00:06:01,203 --> 00:06:02,271 Wait. 169 00:06:02,304 --> 00:06:03,405 I think I'm gonna take off too. 170 00:06:03,439 --> 00:06:04,773 Yeah, I should go, Leslie. 171 00:06:04,806 --> 00:06:06,508 Wait, you guys, let's keep this good feeling going. 172 00:06:06,542 --> 00:06:08,177 It's just getting started. 173 00:06:08,210 --> 00:06:09,545 Yeah, 'cause parties usually get started 174 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:11,180 when you run out of booze. 175 00:06:11,213 --> 00:06:14,350 Okay, wait. Just hold on a second. 176 00:06:29,065 --> 00:06:30,266 I got wine. 177 00:06:30,299 --> 00:06:31,600 Hey! 178 00:06:31,633 --> 00:06:32,768 And cheese. 179 00:06:32,801 --> 00:06:35,237 Hey! 180 00:06:35,271 --> 00:06:36,738 Whoo. 181 00:06:38,474 --> 00:06:39,641 Good morning. 182 00:06:39,675 --> 00:06:42,678 Last night in a foolish attempt to infiltrate a boys' club 183 00:06:42,711 --> 00:06:45,447 I violated the government employee ethics code 184 00:06:45,481 --> 00:06:47,216 of the state of Indiana. 185 00:06:47,249 --> 00:06:49,618 I have always tried to live my life in an ethical way, 186 00:06:49,651 --> 00:06:51,520 and last night I failed. 187 00:06:51,553 --> 00:06:52,821 I realize I have let down 188 00:06:52,854 --> 00:06:55,324 every female public official in america, 189 00:06:55,357 --> 00:06:57,826 and I would like to apologize to them right now, 190 00:06:57,859 --> 00:07:00,596 individually and in alphabetical order. 191 00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,798 Michele bachmann, 192 00:07:02,831 --> 00:07:06,135 republican, Minnesota, 193 00:07:06,168 --> 00:07:08,537 I am sorry. 194 00:07:08,570 --> 00:07:11,740 Tammy Baldwin, democrat, Wisconsin, 195 00:07:11,773 --> 00:07:13,442 I'm so sorry, Tammy. 196 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,811 Melissa bean. 197 00:07:25,787 --> 00:07:28,357 Okay. 198 00:07:28,390 --> 00:07:29,525 Double shift, remember? 199 00:07:29,558 --> 00:07:30,826 So I won't see you till tomorrow. 200 00:07:30,859 --> 00:07:32,161 Are you gonna be okay? 201 00:07:32,194 --> 00:07:33,529 Oh, yeah. 202 00:07:33,562 --> 00:07:35,631 I got, uh...Dinner. 203 00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:36,598 Oh, god. 204 00:07:36,632 --> 00:07:40,536 Honey, can you just clean up a little bit? 205 00:07:40,569 --> 00:07:42,371 I'll try. 206 00:07:42,404 --> 00:07:43,772 Don't expect much. 207 00:07:43,805 --> 00:07:45,841 Okay, well, I'll do it when I get home. 208 00:07:45,874 --> 00:07:47,709 You will? Yes. 209 00:07:47,743 --> 00:07:49,678 Ann is amazing. 210 00:07:49,711 --> 00:07:51,247 She takes care of me. 211 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,482 She takes care of sick people, sick babies. 212 00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:55,317 She is an angel. 213 00:07:55,351 --> 00:07:58,154 And I seriously love her. 214 00:07:58,187 --> 00:07:59,488 Hard. 215 00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:02,391 She's going to be gone for the next 24 hours. 216 00:08:02,424 --> 00:08:04,260 So I made this list, 217 00:08:04,293 --> 00:08:05,727 and basically this place is gonna be 218 00:08:05,761 --> 00:08:09,365 like a sparkling palace when she returns. 219 00:08:09,398 --> 00:08:10,732 I took a bunch of pain killers. 220 00:08:10,766 --> 00:08:13,369 They're about to kick in, so I'm ready to go. 221 00:08:15,337 --> 00:08:17,706 Here it is. Let's clear the air. 222 00:08:17,739 --> 00:08:20,376 Last night I opened up this gift basket 223 00:08:20,409 --> 00:08:21,710 for my own pleasure. 224 00:08:21,743 --> 00:08:22,711 Really? 225 00:08:22,744 --> 00:08:25,181 Leslie knope, usually such a prudish stickler 226 00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:26,848 for the rules. 227 00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:28,517 I'm not happy about it either, Tom. 228 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,751 It's like I don't even know you anymore. 229 00:08:29,785 --> 00:08:31,620 Last year you wrote me up for making personal phone calls 230 00:08:31,653 --> 00:08:32,488 to my mom. 231 00:08:32,521 --> 00:08:34,323 Yes, I did, and I would do it again. 232 00:08:34,356 --> 00:08:36,192 Two wrongs do not make a right. 233 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:38,660 Yes, but she was in the hospital. 234 00:08:38,694 --> 00:08:41,197 I did not know that at the time. 235 00:08:41,230 --> 00:08:42,731 So can I have the basket? 236 00:08:42,764 --> 00:08:43,799 No, I'm sorry. It's evidence. 237 00:08:43,832 --> 00:08:45,367 It's a nice basket. 238 00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:46,868 What would you put in there? 239 00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:48,670 I don't know, potpourri. 240 00:08:48,704 --> 00:08:49,871 That's a lot of potpourri. 241 00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:51,507 Hey, I am not the one on trial here. 242 00:08:51,540 --> 00:08:53,442 I appreciate and thank you in advance 243 00:08:53,475 --> 00:08:54,843 for your unwavering support. 244 00:08:54,876 --> 00:08:55,811 I think you should go to jail, 245 00:08:55,844 --> 00:08:57,179 think about what you've done. 246 00:08:57,213 --> 00:09:00,482 Go to jail? What's going on? 247 00:09:00,516 --> 00:09:01,950 Ron, I have a very important 248 00:09:01,983 --> 00:09:04,686 and very long story to tell you. 249 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,922 Put it in an email? 250 00:09:06,955 --> 00:09:08,890 Nope. 251 00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:10,726 It happened right out there, 252 00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,961 right outside this window. 253 00:09:12,994 --> 00:09:14,796 Why can't I look away? 254 00:09:14,830 --> 00:09:16,765 Let's not blow this out of proportion. 255 00:09:16,798 --> 00:09:19,701 I will blow this in proportion. 256 00:09:19,735 --> 00:09:22,838 The minimum punishment for this is an official reprimand 257 00:09:22,871 --> 00:09:24,273 from the city manager. 258 00:09:24,306 --> 00:09:25,807 It's not that big a deal. 259 00:09:25,841 --> 00:09:27,509 Maybe in your world it isn't a big deal. 260 00:09:27,543 --> 00:09:29,311 You're a white protestant man 261 00:09:29,345 --> 00:09:30,912 with a full, rich moustache. 262 00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,781 But I am a woman, 263 00:09:32,814 --> 00:09:34,883 and I need to hold myself up to a higher standard. 264 00:09:34,916 --> 00:09:36,418 This is ridiculous. 265 00:09:36,452 --> 00:09:37,719 You're punishing yourself 266 00:09:37,753 --> 00:09:39,888 more than anybody else is gonna punish you. 267 00:09:39,921 --> 00:09:41,790 No. What do you suggest we do? 268 00:09:41,823 --> 00:09:43,259 You think we should cover this up? 269 00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:44,793 No, I'm not saying that. 270 00:09:44,826 --> 00:09:45,894 No one said "cover-up". 271 00:09:45,927 --> 00:09:48,830 Good because the cover-up is worse than the crime. 272 00:09:48,864 --> 00:09:51,733 When you spill something and you try to wipe it up 273 00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:55,404 with something that's dirty, then you get double dirty. 274 00:09:55,437 --> 00:09:56,738 Please don't make this worse. 275 00:09:56,772 --> 00:09:57,806 Oh, my god. 276 00:09:57,839 --> 00:09:59,875 Good afternoon. 277 00:09:59,908 --> 00:10:03,011 Since we last spoke, I have taken extraordinary steps 278 00:10:03,044 --> 00:10:06,415 to make further amends for the mistakes that I've made. 279 00:10:06,448 --> 00:10:08,684 I have written a full confession, 280 00:10:08,717 --> 00:10:09,951 which I will be emailing 281 00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:13,422 to everyone in the entire Pawnee government. 282 00:10:13,455 --> 00:10:17,293 I've also attached a link to the pit's web page 283 00:10:17,326 --> 00:10:19,895 just to remind people of all the good work that I do. 284 00:10:19,928 --> 00:10:21,830 I asked Ron to blow the whistle on me, 285 00:10:21,863 --> 00:10:22,831 and he refused. 286 00:10:22,864 --> 00:10:26,402 And that is why I had to whistle-blow myself. 287 00:10:28,637 --> 00:10:31,407 I wish I could say some of this mess was Ann's, 288 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,675 but it's all mine. 289 00:10:33,709 --> 00:10:37,646 I'm kind of a nester. 290 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,015 Eh, not bad for a guy with two broken legs. 291 00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:49,691 Hey. 292 00:10:52,594 --> 00:10:53,895 Doing a little experiment tonight 293 00:10:53,929 --> 00:10:56,765 to see what will get me drunker-- 294 00:10:56,798 --> 00:10:57,966 drinking wine-- 295 00:10:57,999 --> 00:10:59,568 Leslie, come here. 296 00:10:59,601 --> 00:11:01,303 See what April put on the pit's web page. 297 00:11:01,337 --> 00:11:03,639 Right now drinking wine is winning. 298 00:11:03,672 --> 00:11:05,307 Oh, my god, what am I looking at? 299 00:11:05,341 --> 00:11:07,376 A video of me drinking some of that wine you stole. 300 00:11:07,409 --> 00:11:08,510 What? 301 00:11:08,544 --> 00:11:10,579 Why did you do this? 302 00:11:10,612 --> 00:11:12,748 Because I was waiting for my sister and I was bored, 303 00:11:12,781 --> 00:11:14,716 and my hair looked really good. 304 00:11:14,750 --> 00:11:16,452 And you put it in the pit's web page? 305 00:11:16,485 --> 00:11:17,619 Yeah. 306 00:11:17,653 --> 00:11:18,820 Okay, take this off. 307 00:11:18,854 --> 00:11:20,622 Okay, I just sent an email to everyone in the government 308 00:11:20,656 --> 00:11:21,757 and I put a link to this page. 309 00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:24,460 A young lawbreaker. 310 00:11:24,493 --> 00:11:26,662 A future Leslie knope. 311 00:11:26,695 --> 00:11:28,096 Play it again for US, Jerry. 312 00:11:28,129 --> 00:11:29,931 You got it. 313 00:11:33,134 --> 00:11:34,936 Leslie. 314 00:11:34,970 --> 00:11:37,573 She's 19 years old. 315 00:11:37,606 --> 00:11:39,875 I thought I told you not to make this worse. 316 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,343 And I heard you loud and clear. 317 00:11:41,377 --> 00:11:42,778 But then you made it worse. 318 00:11:42,811 --> 00:11:46,815 The disciplinary committee's having a hearing tomorrow 319 00:11:46,848 --> 00:11:48,784 and you're gonna have to testify. 320 00:11:48,817 --> 00:11:49,885 Oh, no. 321 00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:52,087 April might get dismissed. You could get fired. 322 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,122 Oh, my god. Oh, my god. 323 00:11:54,155 --> 00:11:56,792 Oh, no. Oh, god. 324 00:11:56,825 --> 00:11:58,694 Oh, this bench is so uncomfortable. 325 00:11:58,727 --> 00:12:01,430 Ow, help. Please, Ron. 326 00:12:01,463 --> 00:12:04,766 Ron, Ron, tell me it's gonna be okay. 327 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:05,867 Tell me it's gonna be okay. 328 00:12:05,901 --> 00:12:08,069 It's gonna-- Ron, where are you? 329 00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:10,806 It'll--hang in. 330 00:12:10,839 --> 00:12:13,642 Ron. Okay, you're okay. 331 00:12:13,675 --> 00:12:14,810 Good evening. 332 00:12:14,843 --> 00:12:16,745 I've spoken to you a couple times 333 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,780 about something that happened, 334 00:12:18,814 --> 00:12:20,749 but I don't wanna-- 335 00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:23,752 I don't wanna talk about it anymore. 336 00:12:27,055 --> 00:12:28,524 So the disciplinary committee awaits. 337 00:12:28,557 --> 00:12:30,459 Feeling good? Feeling strong? 338 00:12:30,492 --> 00:12:31,593 Not really, no. 339 00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,061 Do you want me to run some test questions with you, 340 00:12:33,094 --> 00:12:34,496 maybe give you an idea 341 00:12:34,530 --> 00:12:35,797 of what the disciplinary committee will be like? 342 00:12:35,831 --> 00:12:38,166 Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, thanks, Tom. 343 00:12:38,199 --> 00:12:39,868 Okay. 344 00:12:39,901 --> 00:12:42,904 So, Ms. Knope, 345 00:12:42,938 --> 00:12:45,106 you're accused of stealing wine. 346 00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,042 How many drinks do you have per week on average? 347 00:12:47,075 --> 00:12:49,445 Zero. 348 00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:50,812 Zero to six. 349 00:12:50,846 --> 00:12:52,848 I'm gonna write down "ten". 350 00:12:52,881 --> 00:12:53,982 Yeah. 351 00:12:54,015 --> 00:12:55,150 Do you ever cheat on your taxes? 352 00:12:55,183 --> 00:12:56,985 No, no, no, never. 353 00:12:57,018 --> 00:12:58,554 Good. You're doing great. 354 00:12:58,587 --> 00:13:00,922 How many sexual partners have you had in the last year? 355 00:13:00,956 --> 00:13:02,758 Are they gonna ask that? 356 00:13:02,791 --> 00:13:04,092 This is a deposition-style hearing, Ms. Knope. 357 00:13:04,125 --> 00:13:05,894 Nothing is off-limits. You have to answer. 358 00:13:05,927 --> 00:13:08,096 Now how many sexual partners have you had in the last year? 359 00:13:08,129 --> 00:13:10,766 Zero to six. 360 00:13:10,799 --> 00:13:11,733 Zero. 361 00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:13,201 Have you ever thought about Ron sexually? 362 00:13:13,234 --> 00:13:15,170 What?! Including dreams. 363 00:13:15,203 --> 00:13:16,838 Have you ever had a sexual dream 364 00:13:16,872 --> 00:13:18,173 about our boss, Ron Swanson? 365 00:13:18,206 --> 00:13:20,008 No, absolutely not, no. 366 00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:21,843 Yes. No. 367 00:13:21,877 --> 00:13:23,845 Now in this recurring dream that you have about Ron, 368 00:13:23,879 --> 00:13:26,815 is he, like, a regular Ron or is he half-Ron, half-animal, 369 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:27,983 like a centaur? 370 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,117 What? 371 00:13:29,150 --> 00:13:30,852 Is he wearing a football uniform? 372 00:13:30,886 --> 00:13:32,053 Are you making love to him 373 00:13:32,087 --> 00:13:33,855 on a couch shaped like his moustache? 374 00:13:33,889 --> 00:13:35,924 Is he covered in powerade? 375 00:13:35,957 --> 00:13:37,058 No, okay, time-out, time-out. 376 00:13:37,092 --> 00:13:38,794 This committee doesn't take time-outs, Ms. Knope. 377 00:13:38,827 --> 00:13:40,095 Now answer the question. 378 00:13:40,128 --> 00:13:41,129 I need something to drink. 379 00:13:41,162 --> 00:13:42,230 How 'bout some stolen wine? 380 00:13:42,263 --> 00:13:43,665 No, I meant water. 381 00:13:43,699 --> 00:13:45,133 Thank you for your time, Ms. Knope. 382 00:13:45,166 --> 00:13:47,669 You're fired. 383 00:13:47,703 --> 00:13:49,738 So that's kinda your worst-case scenario, you know? 384 00:13:49,771 --> 00:13:52,140 If you can handle that, I think you'll be fine. 385 00:13:52,173 --> 00:13:55,076 Great. 386 00:13:55,110 --> 00:13:58,113 Ron, thank you for being here with me today. 387 00:13:58,146 --> 00:14:00,982 I'm your department head. I have to be. 388 00:14:01,016 --> 00:14:02,818 Nonetheless. 389 00:14:02,851 --> 00:14:04,185 Ms. Knope. Yes. 390 00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:05,987 You're here because you allegedly 391 00:14:06,021 --> 00:14:08,089 accepted a gift of over $25 392 00:14:08,123 --> 00:14:10,592 and contributed to the delinquency of a minor. 393 00:14:10,626 --> 00:14:12,494 Can you tell US what happened? 394 00:14:12,528 --> 00:14:14,696 I'm gonna take a glass of water first if I may. 395 00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:16,665 Certainly. 396 00:14:16,698 --> 00:14:18,066 Sorry. 397 00:14:28,744 --> 00:14:32,814 "Two days ago I attended an informal boys' club meeting 398 00:14:32,848 --> 00:14:35,984 "for the very first time. 399 00:14:36,017 --> 00:14:37,919 "After one and a half beers, 400 00:14:37,953 --> 00:14:39,621 "awash in the glow of acceptance 401 00:14:39,655 --> 00:14:41,122 into this elite, exclusive club--" 402 00:14:41,156 --> 00:14:43,825 sorry, what club is this? 403 00:14:43,859 --> 00:14:46,027 A couple city planners like to drink beer 404 00:14:46,061 --> 00:14:48,296 in the courtyard on Tuesday nights. 405 00:14:48,329 --> 00:14:50,932 No one is supposed to drink alcohol on government property. 406 00:14:50,966 --> 00:14:53,068 It's not my department. 407 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:56,171 Go ahead, Leslie. 408 00:14:56,204 --> 00:14:58,740 "I made a very unwise decision, 409 00:14:58,774 --> 00:15:01,276 "a decision that will live in infamy. 410 00:15:01,309 --> 00:15:05,814 "I opened a gift basket of wine and cheese. 411 00:15:08,850 --> 00:15:11,086 "Our intern, April ludgate, 412 00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:14,756 "drank some of that wine without my knowledge. 413 00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:17,192 "That was never part of the plan. 414 00:15:17,225 --> 00:15:19,895 "She had not been invited to the meeting of the boys' club. 415 00:15:19,928 --> 00:15:22,564 "I repeat, not been invited. 416 00:15:22,598 --> 00:15:24,933 "Though it is my hope that someday 417 00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:26,802 "she lives in a world 418 00:15:26,835 --> 00:15:28,970 "where the very idea of boys' clubs 419 00:15:29,004 --> 00:15:32,207 is ancient history." 420 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,110 But you did open the gift basket. 421 00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:38,146 And the intern did drink the wine. 422 00:15:38,179 --> 00:15:40,582 Please don't blame her for my mistake. 423 00:15:40,616 --> 00:15:43,885 The biggest crime we could commit here 424 00:15:43,919 --> 00:15:48,156 would be to destroy a teenage girl's passion 425 00:15:48,189 --> 00:15:50,191 for local government. 426 00:15:50,225 --> 00:15:52,928 There's only one more thing I need to clean-- 427 00:15:52,961 --> 00:15:54,295 me. 428 00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,932 Um, I can't really get into a shower, 429 00:15:56,965 --> 00:16:00,068 so I got this idea from my parents. 430 00:16:00,101 --> 00:16:02,337 This is how they clean their dog. 431 00:16:06,808 --> 00:16:08,076 You like that? 432 00:16:08,109 --> 00:16:09,845 * where's my baby at 433 00:16:09,878 --> 00:16:12,113 I wrote that for Ann. 434 00:16:12,147 --> 00:16:14,149 It's gonna be playing when she walks through the door today. 435 00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:16,151 And check this out. 436 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:18,319 Washed my shorts. 437 00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:20,121 How do you like that? 438 00:16:21,823 --> 00:16:23,291 Hey, turn that down. 439 00:16:23,324 --> 00:16:25,226 No. I wrote that song. 440 00:16:25,260 --> 00:16:26,227 I don't care. Turn it down. 441 00:16:26,261 --> 00:16:27,896 What are you doing in my yard, Lawrence? 442 00:16:27,929 --> 00:16:29,030 Get outta here. 443 00:16:29,064 --> 00:16:30,131 Okay, you know what, I'm taking it. 444 00:16:30,165 --> 00:16:31,332 Put down my boom box. 445 00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:33,368 It's my boom box now. I asked you nicely. 446 00:16:33,401 --> 00:16:35,236 You did not ask me nicely. 447 00:16:35,270 --> 00:16:37,338 Put that down! 448 00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:39,908 I just put 12 new batteries in that thing! 449 00:16:44,179 --> 00:16:46,047 * I look to the east 450 00:16:46,081 --> 00:16:47,816 Lawrence, come on. 451 00:16:47,849 --> 00:16:50,318 Ugh, ugh. Give it to me. 452 00:16:50,351 --> 00:16:52,988 Go back inside, Hank. 453 00:16:53,021 --> 00:16:55,423 Ms. Knope, what was the first thing you did 454 00:16:55,456 --> 00:16:57,659 when you arrived at work the next day? 455 00:16:57,693 --> 00:16:59,928 Can you go over the timeline for US once more? 456 00:16:59,961 --> 00:17:01,029 Yes, of course. 457 00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:04,232 I awoke at 6:21 A.M. after a fitful night of sleep. 458 00:17:04,265 --> 00:17:06,434 We've been over this. 459 00:17:06,467 --> 00:17:09,004 What more could you guys possibly want her to do? 460 00:17:09,037 --> 00:17:10,839 Well, we don't know yet. 461 00:17:10,872 --> 00:17:12,941 Frankly, we've got a lot more questions. 462 00:17:12,974 --> 00:17:14,175 Ron, it's okay. 463 00:17:14,209 --> 00:17:15,777 No, it's not. 464 00:17:15,811 --> 00:17:17,245 This is not communist China. 465 00:17:17,278 --> 00:17:19,180 You cannot make her whip herself. 466 00:17:19,214 --> 00:17:21,116 You cannot make her wear a hair shirt. 467 00:17:21,149 --> 00:17:23,351 We weren't planning on doing either of those things. 468 00:17:23,384 --> 00:17:24,753 This is america. 469 00:17:24,786 --> 00:17:26,221 You wanna live in North Korea, 470 00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:27,923 you can live in North Korea. 471 00:17:27,956 --> 00:17:29,157 I don't want to. 472 00:17:29,190 --> 00:17:31,126 I want to live in america. 473 00:17:31,159 --> 00:17:33,862 Leslie has never broken a rule in her life, 474 00:17:33,895 --> 00:17:37,232 to the point that it's annoying. 475 00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:39,034 If you want to slap her on the wrist, go ahead. 476 00:17:39,067 --> 00:17:40,201 You wanna do anything more serious, 477 00:17:40,235 --> 00:17:41,737 you're gonna have to go through me. 478 00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:42,871 Let's go. Are we done? 479 00:17:42,904 --> 00:17:45,106 We're done. Let's go. 480 00:17:50,211 --> 00:17:52,848 So after all that, it's really not that bad. 481 00:17:52,881 --> 00:17:54,850 You're gonna get a letter in your file. 482 00:17:54,883 --> 00:17:57,318 Ron, I just wanted to say thank you-- 483 00:17:57,352 --> 00:17:58,686 don't worry about it. 484 00:18:03,759 --> 00:18:05,727 No, I didn't do it for Leslie. 485 00:18:05,761 --> 00:18:08,864 I did it because I hate bureaucracy. 486 00:18:08,897 --> 00:18:11,166 My idea of a perfect government 487 00:18:11,199 --> 00:18:14,836 is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, 488 00:18:14,870 --> 00:18:16,805 and the only thing he's allowed to decide 489 00:18:16,838 --> 00:18:18,373 is who to nuke. 490 00:18:18,406 --> 00:18:21,743 The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test 491 00:18:21,777 --> 00:18:24,212 and maybe also a physical tournament, 492 00:18:24,245 --> 00:18:26,381 like a decathlon. 493 00:18:26,414 --> 00:18:31,086 And women are brought to him maybe 494 00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:33,154 when he desires them. 495 00:18:33,188 --> 00:18:35,056 Oh, hey, Ann, you're here. 496 00:18:35,090 --> 00:18:36,291 Yeah, I came from the hospital. 497 00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:37,425 How'd it go? 498 00:18:37,458 --> 00:18:39,094 I don't wanna be overdramatic, 499 00:18:39,127 --> 00:18:41,162 but today felt like 100 years in hell 500 00:18:41,196 --> 00:18:42,764 and the absolute worst day of my life. 501 00:18:42,798 --> 00:18:44,065 Oh, god. 502 00:18:44,099 --> 00:18:46,267 I never shoulda opened that stupid basket. 503 00:18:46,301 --> 00:18:48,203 Yeah, why did you open that basket? 504 00:18:48,236 --> 00:18:50,005 It doesn't really seem like you. 505 00:18:50,038 --> 00:18:51,940 I think it's 'cause I wanted to shatter the glass ceiling, 506 00:18:51,973 --> 00:18:53,241 you know what I mean? 507 00:18:53,274 --> 00:18:55,844 And just kind of infiltrate the boys' club. 508 00:18:55,877 --> 00:18:58,079 Hmm. 509 00:18:58,113 --> 00:18:59,981 I did it for a guy. 510 00:19:00,015 --> 00:19:02,250 Oh. Yeah. 511 00:19:02,283 --> 00:19:05,153 Mark. 512 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:07,188 Oh. 513 00:19:07,222 --> 00:19:09,090 Oh, wow. 514 00:19:09,124 --> 00:19:10,425 Well, i-- 515 00:19:10,458 --> 00:19:13,194 we had a brief affair in February 516 00:19:13,228 --> 00:19:14,562 of 2004. 517 00:19:14,595 --> 00:19:17,198 And, um, there's still 518 00:19:17,232 --> 00:19:19,334 something very complicated between US, so. 519 00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:22,237 Yeah, sure. 520 00:19:22,270 --> 00:19:23,238 Yeah. 521 00:19:23,271 --> 00:19:24,205 Smart woman. 522 00:19:24,239 --> 00:19:27,275 Iffy choice in men. 523 00:19:27,308 --> 00:19:30,211 But then again, I'm not one to talk. 524 00:19:36,952 --> 00:19:38,386 What do you think? 525 00:19:38,419 --> 00:19:41,489 Andy, this is so sweet. 526 00:19:41,522 --> 00:19:43,091 Nothing. What happened to you? 527 00:19:43,124 --> 00:19:45,093 Oh, I was chasing our neighbor 528 00:19:45,126 --> 00:19:47,595 who is a total jag-weed. 529 00:19:47,628 --> 00:19:50,265 And I fell in some prickly bushes. 530 00:19:50,298 --> 00:19:52,067 Doesn't matter. What do you think of the house? 531 00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:54,469 Hmm? Were you totally surprised? 532 00:19:54,502 --> 00:19:55,971 Yeah. Do you love it? 533 00:19:56,004 --> 00:19:57,172 Yeah. 534 00:19:57,205 --> 00:19:58,139 Here, baby, sit down. 535 00:19:58,173 --> 00:20:01,209 I'm gonna put something on those scratches. 536 00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:05,113 Somebody is getting gently laid tonight. 537 00:20:05,146 --> 00:20:08,083 Andy, god. 538 00:20:15,623 --> 00:20:17,926 You look like you need one of these. 539 00:20:19,127 --> 00:20:20,328 Come on. 540 00:20:20,361 --> 00:20:22,163 You're over 21. 541 00:20:22,197 --> 00:20:24,365 Not supposed to be drinking on government property. 542 00:20:24,399 --> 00:20:25,901 Loosen up. 543 00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:27,235 You're gonna drive yourself crazy 544 00:20:27,268 --> 00:20:29,070 trying to follow every single rule in government. 545 00:20:29,104 --> 00:20:33,041 Mark, I have a letter in my file. 546 00:20:33,074 --> 00:20:35,076 I got seven letters in my file. 547 00:20:35,110 --> 00:20:37,112 Pretty much every guy in city planning 548 00:20:37,145 --> 00:20:39,614 has a bunch of letters. 549 00:20:39,647 --> 00:20:41,182 So welcome to the team. 550 00:20:47,188 --> 00:20:49,590 Look out, boys. I'm in your club now. 551 00:20:49,624 --> 00:20:51,426 I'm in your club. I'm in your club. 552 00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:53,061 I'm in your club. I'm in your club. 553 00:20:53,094 --> 00:20:54,395 I'm in your club. I'm in your club. 554 00:20:54,429 --> 00:20:56,965 I'm in your--um, creepy.