1
00:00:02,768 --> 00:00:04,268
I just want to check
2
00:00:04,450 --> 00:00:07,697
one last time that you're okay
about this date with Mark.
3
00:00:07,822 --> 00:00:09,569
My God, I am so fine with it,
Ann, seriously.
4
00:00:09,694 --> 00:00:10,789
It's so fine.
5
00:00:10,957 --> 00:00:12,582
As long as you and I are cool.
6
00:00:12,749 --> 00:00:14,099
You know my code.
7
00:00:14,442 --> 00:00:15,587
Hos before bros.
8
00:00:16,411 --> 00:00:18,047
Uteruses before duderuses.
- Got it.
9
00:00:18,312 --> 00:00:20,062
Ovaries before brovaries.
10
00:00:21,982 --> 00:00:24,178
- You make such good coffee.
- Look,
11
00:00:24,346 --> 00:00:27,222
{\pos(192,240)}I know you're saying you're okay{\ with it,}
but I've been in this position before.
12
00:00:27,415 --> 00:00:28,975
{\pos(192,240)}And I had a friend who dated an ex,
13
00:00:29,473 --> 00:00:31,978
{\pos(192,240)}and I said I was okay,
but I wasn't actually.
14
00:00:32,220 --> 00:00:35,110
{\pos(192,240)}- It was kind of weird.
- The thing is, Mark isn't my ex.
15
00:00:35,235 --> 00:00:36,940
{\pos(192,240)}{\You know,}We slept together six years ago.
16
00:00:37,488 --> 00:00:39,818
{\pos(192,240)}Anyway, I'm over it.
Or am I? I'm just kidding.
17
00:00:44,733 --> 00:00:46,909
This is one
of my greatest brainstorms ever.
18
00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:50,037
A community garden.
Right in the middle of the pit.
19
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,455
We're encouraging people to{\ just} come out
and plant whatever they want.
20
00:00:53,580 --> 00:00:55,835
And Tom and I sometimes
get here early and help out.
21
00:00:56,681 --> 00:00:58,921
It's so hot.
I had to get some more iced tea.
22
00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:03,008
People have just really embraced this
and planted the coolest stuff.
23
00:01:03,409 --> 00:01:06,621
And Tom is our master horticulturist.
He knows all the scientific names{\ for everything}.
24
00:01:06,746 --> 00:01:07,796
Right, Tom?
25
00:01:08,225 --> 00:01:11,308
- Like this. What's this{\, Tom}?
- Those are, of course, tomatoes.
26
00:01:11,573 --> 00:01:13,227
Or souljaboy tellems.
27
00:01:13,698 --> 00:01:16,773
Whenever Leslie asks me
for the Latin names {\of any }of our plants,
28
00:01:16,898 --> 00:01:18,816
I just give her
the names of rappers.
29
00:01:19,331 --> 00:01:21,849
- And those over there?
- Those are some diddies.
30
00:01:22,016 --> 00:01:24,739
There's some bonethugs
and harmoniums right here.
31
00:01:24,970 --> 00:01:27,385
- Growing beautifully.
- Those ludacrises are coming in great.
32
00:01:27,510 --> 00:01:29,184
Look. Someone planted something new.
33
00:01:29,309 --> 00:01:30,409
What's this?
34
00:01:31,140 --> 00:01:32,561
What do you think?
Carrots?
35
00:01:32,686 --> 00:01:35,786
If that's true,
we have a garden pest on our hands.
36
00:01:37,117 --> 00:01:38,363
{\Maybe }Some kind of spice?
37
00:01:38,488 --> 00:01:40,362
You know{\, Leslie}, the best way to figure out
38
00:01:40,487 --> 00:01:43,626
what kind of spice that is,
is roll it up into a joint and smoke it.
39
00:01:47,959 --> 00:01:49,132
- La Fabrique -
40
00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:52,260
{\pos(260,260)}- Feygnasse Team -
41
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:54,235
{\pos(100,260)}Synchro: Albator1932, lestat78, mpm
42
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,036
{\pos(260,260)}Episode 202
The Stakeout
43
00:02:07,754 --> 00:02:09,283
- Ron, did you get my text?
44
00:02:10,444 --> 00:02:11,784
{\pos(120,260)}Did you get my emails?
45
00:02:12,309 --> 00:02:13,917
{\pos(120,260)}Did you see that I paged you?
46
00:02:14,182 --> 00:02:15,087
{\pos(120,260)}I did not.
47
00:02:15,212 --> 00:02:16,889
{\pos(120,260)}Did you check your voicemail?
48
00:02:17,592 --> 00:02:18,441
{\pos(120,260)}I didn't.
49
00:02:18,566 --> 00:02:20,360
{\pos(120,260)}We have a criminal emergency
on our hands.
50
00:02:20,485 --> 00:02:22,880
Someone planted a gateway drug
in the community garden.
51
00:02:23,668 --> 00:02:26,008
{\pos(120,260)}- Call the cops.
- That'll leak to the press.
52
00:02:26,539 --> 00:02:29,636
Then there'll be an investigation.
And they'll find my fingerprints{\ on the manure}.
53
00:02:29,804 --> 00:02:31,902
{\pos(120,260)}- And then we'll lose our funding.
- You don't have{\ funding}.
54
00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:34,232
{\pos(110,260)}And we never will if this gets out.
55
00:02:34,399 --> 00:02:35,981
{\pos(120,260)}Look, I will call the cops,
56
00:02:36,106 --> 00:02:38,437
but {\just }give me one day to deal
with this internally, okay?
57
00:02:38,938 --> 00:02:40,355
- Sure.
- Thank you.
58
00:02:41,077 --> 00:02:43,567
And listen, if this thing blows up,
59
00:02:44,505 --> 00:02:45,803
{\pos(120,260)}I was never here.
60
00:02:50,874 --> 00:02:52,174
I have a hernia.
61
00:02:52,749 --> 00:02:54,449
{\pos(120,260)}I've had it for a while.
62
00:02:55,303 --> 00:02:57,203
{\pos(120,260)}And I've been ignoring it...
63
00:02:57,862 --> 00:03:00,730
{\pos(120,260)}successfully, but this morning,
64
00:03:02,545 --> 00:03:04,087
{\pos(120,260)}I made the mistake of sneezing.
65
00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:09,510
But as long as I sit still
66
00:03:09,678 --> 00:03:11,255
and don't move my head
67
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:13,525
or torso,
68
00:03:15,645 --> 00:03:17,195
I'm good, I got this.
69
00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:20,282
We need to find out
who we're dealing with.{\Who is this person?}
70
00:03:20,407 --> 00:03:21,647
Who is this kingpin?
71
00:03:22,325 --> 00:03:24,876
It's a 13-year-old kid named Stevie
72
00:03:25,001 --> 00:03:27,056
who likes to get high
and make his transformers
73
00:03:27,181 --> 00:03:28,814
look like they're having sex{\ together}.
74
00:03:28,939 --> 00:03:32,617
I would like to be president some day,
so, no, I have not smoked marijuana.
75
00:03:33,618 --> 00:03:35,168
I ate a brownie once.
76
00:03:35,738 --> 00:03:37,256
At a party in college.
77
00:03:37,423 --> 00:03:38,673
It was intense.
78
00:03:38,983 --> 00:03:40,988
It was kind of indescribable,
actually.
79
00:03:41,279 --> 00:03:42,668
I felt like I was floating.
80
00:03:43,727 --> 00:03:45,288
Turns out there wasn't any pot in it{\the brownie}.
81
00:03:45,413 --> 00:03:47,673
It was just
an insanely good brownie.
82
00:03:47,971 --> 00:03:49,866
You know, if we catch him,
83
00:03:49,991 --> 00:03:52,462
then we avoid a scandal.
'cause we flip the headline.
84
00:03:52,587 --> 00:03:55,223
And it's not "community garden
infested with pot",
85
00:03:55,456 --> 00:03:57,182
it's "brave public servants
86
00:03:57,350 --> 00:03:58,888
"rid neighborhood of drugs,
87
00:03:59,013 --> 00:04:01,395
"earn praise from mayor,
comma, everyone."
88
00:04:01,985 --> 00:04:03,341
We gotta catch this guy.
89
00:04:03,508 --> 00:04:05,508
Get the van, meet me at 7:00.
90
00:04:06,939 --> 00:04:08,389
It's stakeout time.
91
00:04:12,574 --> 00:04:14,366
Get my lunch for me, please.
92
00:04:14,534 --> 00:04:16,118
Okay, like order you something?
93
00:04:16,550 --> 00:04:17,800
No, get it...
94
00:04:18,374 --> 00:04:19,474
from there.
95
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:22,918
Is this some kind
of weird power trip?
96
00:04:23,378 --> 00:04:24,293
Please.
97
00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:32,635
Thank you.
That'll be all.
98
00:04:33,209 --> 00:04:34,559
You're welcome.
99
00:04:46,528 --> 00:04:49,746
I have stakeout supplies. This is stuff
that we're probably gonna need.
100
00:04:49,871 --> 00:04:51,787
We have notepads,
101
00:04:52,468 --> 00:04:54,072
pencils, and pencil case.
102
00:04:54,364 --> 00:04:56,116
Shakable whipped cream.
103
00:04:56,284 --> 00:04:57,282
Cameras.
104
00:04:57,407 --> 00:04:58,350
Gorp.
105
00:04:59,177 --> 00:05:00,057
And...
106
00:05:01,478 --> 00:05:02,778
candy necklaces.
107
00:05:03,974 --> 00:05:05,428
It's like we're real police.
108
00:05:05,595 --> 00:05:07,607
And I made us a mix cd.
109
00:05:08,393 --> 00:05:11,483
It's all filled with songs
about people watching people.
110
00:05:11,650 --> 00:05:13,050
It's mostly Sting.
111
00:05:13,462 --> 00:05:15,802
- {\And look, }I put our faces on there.
- It's really cool.
112
00:05:15,970 --> 00:05:17,721
- Are you gonna wear
that shirt?
113
00:05:17,846 --> 00:05:19,235
Yeah. You like it?
114
00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:20,903
Tommy Hilfiger?
115
00:05:21,028 --> 00:05:24,253
No, Tom Haverford.
I spent 120 bucks to get it monogrammed.
116
00:05:24,378 --> 00:05:25,812
{\- Okay, here you go.- }Everyone thinks it's{\ tommy} Hilfiger.
117
00:05:26,194 --> 00:05:28,498
You should be wearing
something like this. Take this.
118
00:05:28,623 --> 00:05:31,361
Wear black.
Black is what you wear in a stakeout.
119
00:05:31,486 --> 00:05:33,412
I have to figure out how this works.
120
00:05:33,537 --> 00:05:36,073
- Just let me focus up on this.
- Pretty bummed this fits.
121
00:05:36,241 --> 00:05:38,376
Okay, now we just need
to take a test shot
122
00:05:38,543 --> 00:05:40,661
- and see how this goes.
- Take a test shot. Ready?
123
00:05:40,851 --> 00:05:42,724
- Focus up on the pit. All right.
- Stop.
124
00:05:42,849 --> 00:05:44,585
- Focus up right where the...
- Stop.
125
00:05:44,710 --> 00:05:46,342
Focus up right where the weed...
126
00:05:46,467 --> 00:05:48,001
Stop.
Stop.
127
00:05:48,775 --> 00:05:50,213
Leslie swears it's okay.
128
00:05:50,338 --> 00:05:52,238
So I'm going out with Mark.
129
00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:54,257
I got to get back out there.
130
00:05:54,425 --> 00:05:56,535
When Andy and I used
to go to the movies,
131
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:59,246
he would always try to guess
the ending of the movie.
132
00:05:59,371 --> 00:06:01,215
And he would always guess
133
00:06:01,340 --> 00:06:04,226
that the main character
had been dead the whole time.
134
00:06:05,249 --> 00:06:07,199
Even when we saw Ratatouille.
135
00:06:11,609 --> 00:06:12,909
Look, it's Mark.
136
00:06:16,739 --> 00:06:17,857
What are you doing?
137
00:06:17,982 --> 00:06:20,846
What? I'm just checking
to make sure this lens works.
138
00:06:20,971 --> 00:06:21,868
Good.
139
00:06:28,272 --> 00:06:29,461
Are you ready{\ to go}?
140
00:06:29,586 --> 00:06:32,040
Oh, no, I need another hour
to get ready.
141
00:06:32,207 --> 00:06:34,674
Seriously? 'Cause I think
the movie starts in like...
142
00:06:36,467 --> 00:06:37,884
You're joking around right now.
143
00:06:38,987 --> 00:06:40,408
This is gonna be fun.
144
00:06:40,576 --> 00:06:42,504
{\Yeah, well, }You know, with a body like this,
145
00:06:42,629 --> 00:06:44,579
you don't get the brains too.
146
00:06:45,002 --> 00:06:46,678
That was silly.
147
00:06:48,765 --> 00:06:50,022
Are they dating now?
148
00:06:50,190 --> 00:06:51,561
Brendanawicz is the man.
149
00:06:52,025 --> 00:06:55,107
This is Brendanawicz's life:
hot chick from the newspaper,
150
00:06:55,232 --> 00:06:58,123
hot chick from the post office,
hot chick from the hospital.
151
00:06:58,248 --> 00:07:00,289
Her name's Ann.
You know her name. Her name's Ann.
152
00:07:00,414 --> 00:07:02,368
I'm just saying,
nobody turns him down.
153
00:07:03,096 --> 00:07:04,036
I did.
154
00:07:05,622 --> 00:07:06,526
Yeah, I did.
155
00:07:06,915 --> 00:07:08,795
We were drunk,
and he tried to kiss me,
156
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:12,924
and I said, "nuh-uh,
no, sir, Mark Brendanawicz.
157
00:07:13,364 --> 00:07:14,838
'I don't need your business here."
158
00:07:15,207 --> 00:07:16,207
Get down!
159
00:07:30,392 --> 00:07:31,396
Working late?
160
00:07:46,927 --> 00:07:48,211
Shovel guitar
161
00:07:48,336 --> 00:07:49,418
Shovel guitar
162
00:07:49,585 --> 00:07:51,876
Somebody wants to play shovel guitar
163
00:07:52,454 --> 00:07:56,004
Leslie's been playing shovel guitar
for about an hour now.
164
00:07:56,449 --> 00:07:57,666
Bucket drum
165
00:07:58,440 --> 00:07:59,591
Bucket drum
166
00:07:59,759 --> 00:08:02,135
- You're not from here, right?
- No, I'm from South Carolina.
167
00:08:02,303 --> 00:08:04,269
But you moved
to South Carolina from where?
168
00:08:04,394 --> 00:08:08,013
- My mother's uterus.
- But you were conceived in Libya{\, right}?
169
00:08:09,769 --> 00:08:11,861
I was conceived in America.
My parents are Indian.
170
00:08:11,986 --> 00:08:13,794
Where did the name Haverford
come from?
171
00:08:13,919 --> 00:08:15,899
My birth name is...
172
00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:18,186
Darwish Zubair Ismail Gani.
173
00:08:18,514 --> 00:08:20,119
Then I changed it to Tom Haverford
174
00:08:20,244 --> 00:08:23,573
because, you know, brown guys
with funny-sounding Muslim names
175
00:08:23,779 --> 00:08:25,806
don't make it really far
in politics.
176
00:08:26,775 --> 00:08:29,208
- What about Barack Obama?
- Yeah, fine, Barack Obama.
177
00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:33,013
If I knew a dude named Barack Obama
was gonna be elected president,
178
00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:35,585
- Maybe I wouldn't have changed it.
- Did you hear{\ that noise}?
179
00:08:36,259 --> 00:08:37,546
{\Oh, my God, }It's the kingpin.
180
00:08:38,193 --> 00:08:39,493
Write this down.
181
00:08:41,693 --> 00:08:44,521
White male, light brown hair.
182
00:08:44,730 --> 00:08:46,180
Just take pictures.
183
00:08:46,322 --> 00:08:48,056
Oh, my God.
It looks like Andy.
184
00:08:48,414 --> 00:08:49,349
That is Andy.
185
00:08:50,556 --> 00:08:51,706
That is Andy.
186
00:08:52,294 --> 00:08:53,794
Andy is the kingpin.
187
00:08:55,291 --> 00:08:56,523
Andy, come here.
188
00:08:56,691 --> 00:08:58,424
Oh, hey, you guys.
189
00:08:58,841 --> 00:09:00,971
What are you doing here?
It's so good to see you.
190
00:09:01,096 --> 00:09:02,529
- Quietly.
- What happened?
191
00:09:02,822 --> 00:09:05,699
- You're living in the pit now?
- For now, yeah. It's awesome.
192
00:09:05,867 --> 00:09:08,466
{\pos(192,240)}Somebody planted a garden down there
with fruits and vegetables,
193
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:11,389
{\pos(192,240)}- so I'm getting a lot of vitamins.
- That's our community garden.
194
00:09:11,514 --> 00:09:14,990
{\pos(192,240)}Yeah, and someone planted
a whole mess of weed
195
00:09:15,115 --> 00:09:16,293
{\pos(192,240)}next to the tomatoes.
196
00:09:16,461 --> 00:09:18,862
{\pos(192,240)}Don't look at me.
There's weed down there?
197
00:09:18,987 --> 00:09:20,422
{\pos(192,240)}I thought that was{\ the tops} of carrots.
198
00:09:20,590 --> 00:09:23,223
Right, I know. Listen,
we're on a stakeout, okay?
199
00:09:23,348 --> 00:09:24,817
Why don't you come{\ to the van and} helping us?
200
00:09:24,942 --> 00:09:27,137
{\We're trying }To catch the guy.
{\Maybe you can}You could tell us what you've seen.
201
00:09:27,430 --> 00:09:29,849
I'm supposed to have a rock fight
with this crazy guy.
202
00:09:31,926 --> 00:09:34,352
He's like 20 minutes late.
All right. Let's do it.
203
00:09:35,353 --> 00:09:36,803
Do you live here?
204
00:09:40,827 --> 00:09:42,402
Yeah, do you live here?
205
00:09:44,889 --> 00:09:45,780
Catch.
206
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:48,950
Yeah, I thought so.
207
00:09:49,955 --> 00:09:52,032
I went home,
but I had this strange feeling
208
00:09:52,199 --> 00:09:54,372
that there was something wrong{\with you},
so I came back.
209
00:09:55,102 --> 00:09:57,083
It's just a minor medical issue.
210
00:09:57,317 --> 00:09:58,190
Aids?
211
00:09:58,717 --> 00:09:59,785
No, I'm safe.
212
00:09:59,910 --> 00:10:00,879
Blindness?
213
00:10:02,097 --> 00:10:05,050
Is it like a parasite or a virus
or something you get from a bee?
214
00:10:06,427 --> 00:10:07,552
I have a hernia.
215
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:10,029
- Do you have syphilis?
- I said it's a hernia.
216
00:10:10,154 --> 00:10:11,198
I know.
217
00:10:11,554 --> 00:10:13,141
It's possible to have two things.
218
00:10:13,764 --> 00:10:15,621
Do you need a ride to the hospital?
219
00:10:15,746 --> 00:10:16,988
Yes, please.
220
00:10:18,203 --> 00:10:21,066
But I rode my bike{\ here}, so I have to go home
and get my dad's station wagon.
221
00:10:22,098 --> 00:10:23,110
Thank you.
222
00:10:30,188 --> 00:10:33,579
- You still here?
- I wanted to see if you could tell.
223
00:10:40,498 --> 00:10:42,048
Are you still here?
224
00:10:42,974 --> 00:10:44,945
It is really great
to have somebody to talk to.
225
00:10:45,070 --> 00:10:46,299
Man, oh, man.
226
00:10:46,467 --> 00:10:48,051
So how's Ann?
She's doing good?
227
00:10:48,239 --> 00:10:50,690
I miss her so much, it's ridiculous.
228
00:10:50,815 --> 00:10:53,765
- How's she doing?
- Doing good tonight. She's out on a...
229
00:10:53,933 --> 00:10:55,376
Ann is great.
230
00:10:56,259 --> 00:10:57,811
And I bet she really misses you.
231
00:10:59,230 --> 00:11:01,147
I'm gonna need more{\ of these}
if I'm gonna stay up{\ tonight}.
232
00:11:01,315 --> 00:11:03,370
- Is that candy?
- It's a necklace made out of candy.
233
00:11:03,495 --> 00:11:05,569
- Want one?
- Oh, all right.
234
00:11:05,875 --> 00:11:08,475
Great. All I've had
is fruits and vegetables...
235
00:11:08,642 --> 00:11:09,842
for weeks now.
236
00:11:12,285 --> 00:11:13,206
Oh, my God.
237
00:11:17,117 --> 00:11:18,960
You know there's a string in there.
238
00:11:19,703 --> 00:11:20,917
Not in this one.
239
00:11:21,662 --> 00:11:25,171
Instant sugar high.
Sugar high. Sugar hit high.
240
00:11:25,339 --> 00:11:26,488
Sugar high. High.
241
00:11:28,811 --> 00:11:29,961
Are you okay?
242
00:11:31,094 --> 00:11:32,623
Sugar slam.
243
00:11:32,832 --> 00:11:35,336
Maybe we should get you
something more substantial{\ to eat}.
244
00:11:36,006 --> 00:11:36,850
I'm in.
245
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,760
Bring me back two cheeseburgers
and a green tea.
246
00:11:45,082 --> 00:11:47,332
Come on.
You got to be kidding me.
247
00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:53,528
So that was fun.
248
00:11:53,695 --> 00:11:55,295
Yeah, it really was.
249
00:11:55,620 --> 00:11:57,871
- Surprisingly fun.
- You know what,
250
00:11:58,039 --> 00:12:00,453
I have been a perfect gentleman
this evening.
251
00:12:00,578 --> 00:12:01,952
In fact, watch this.
252
00:12:02,119 --> 00:12:05,254
I would like you to now please
invite me in for a nightcap.
253
00:12:05,463 --> 00:12:07,670
- Not a chance.
- No. Just watch...
254
00:12:07,795 --> 00:12:09,342
watch what I'm gonna do.
255
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:10,800
Ask me in for a nightcap.
256
00:12:11,066 --> 00:12:13,227
- Will you come in for a nightcap?
- Yes, I will.
257
00:12:13,561 --> 00:12:14,775
No, no, damn.
258
00:12:15,159 --> 00:12:17,032
Drats, I was gonna plan to not.
259
00:12:17,157 --> 00:12:18,058
Wait.
260
00:12:18,226 --> 00:12:19,183
Look.
261
00:12:20,119 --> 00:12:22,611
That guy's trying
to break into that van.
262
00:12:23,357 --> 00:12:25,607
{\You know what, }It does look like
he's breaking into that van.
263
00:12:28,649 --> 00:12:30,122
- 911.
- Hi, there.
264
00:12:30,438 --> 00:12:32,852
So, do you like spy on Ann?
265
00:12:33,133 --> 00:12:34,283
From the pit?
266
00:12:37,499 --> 00:12:39,204
I just like being nearby.
267
00:12:39,372 --> 00:12:41,014
That way if she wants me back,
268
00:12:41,139 --> 00:12:44,736
I could be at her house{\, like,} in two seconds,
before she changes her mind.
269
00:12:45,561 --> 00:12:47,844
I don't really know
how healthy that is.
270
00:12:47,969 --> 00:12:51,383
{\I mean, }You {\guys }aren't even dating anymore.
She might be dating somebody else.
271
00:12:52,948 --> 00:12:54,348
- Is she?
- What?
272
00:12:54,596 --> 00:12:56,430
- Is she dating somebody else?
- What?
273
00:12:56,657 --> 00:12:58,947
- {\You just said Ann might be}She's dating somebody else{\. Is she}?
- I didn't say that.
274
00:12:59,072 --> 00:13:01,226
- Who is she dating?
- Nobody. Mark.
275
00:13:02,645 --> 00:13:03,645
It's cool.
276
00:13:03,770 --> 00:13:04,770
My God!
277
00:13:06,565 --> 00:13:09,038
{\pos(210,265)}641 to base *style.
I'm at the vehicle now.
278
00:13:14,814 --> 00:13:16,282
How are you doing tonight{\, sir}?
279
00:13:16,450 --> 00:13:18,357
I'm all right, officer.
How are you?
280
00:13:18,482 --> 00:13:19,911
I'm responding to a 911 call
281
00:13:20,079 --> 00:13:22,706
about a suspicious person
breaking into a van.
282
00:13:22,915 --> 00:13:25,131
I need you to step out
and show me some i.d.
283
00:13:25,298 --> 00:13:28,357
It's okay, my name's Tom Haverford.
I work for the Parks Department.
284
00:13:28,588 --> 00:13:31,214
I got locked out of the van.
I had to jimmy my way back in.
285
00:13:31,382 --> 00:13:33,800
Why don't you jimmy your way out
and show me some I.d.?
286
00:13:34,846 --> 00:13:37,601
I just told you my i.d.,
so what's the crime here?
287
00:13:37,876 --> 00:13:39,314
Parking while Indian?
288
00:13:39,599 --> 00:13:42,807
There's no stereotypes
about Indians sitting in vehicles.
289
00:13:43,311 --> 00:13:44,592
All right, fine.
290
00:13:44,896 --> 00:13:46,296
Here's my I.d.
291
00:13:48,096 --> 00:13:49,646
Nice job, Paul Blart.
292
00:13:50,251 --> 00:13:54,176
Why don't you head back to the mall,
make sure nobody's breaking into{\ lady foot} locker?
293
00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:57,490
I'm very close{\ right now} to placing you
under arrest for disorderly conduct.
294
00:13:57,747 --> 00:14:00,434
{\pos(220,265)}- Step out of the van.
- I'll step out of your mama's van.
295
00:14:02,228 --> 00:14:04,449
{\pos(220,265)}{\- What's wrong?- }I didn't do anything!
I'm a city employee{\, man}.
296
00:14:04,574 --> 00:14:06,166
- Come on!
- Calm down.
297
00:14:11,828 --> 00:14:13,078
Motion sensors.
298
00:14:15,001 --> 00:14:16,001
My God.
299
00:14:17,258 --> 00:14:19,205
Excuse me.
What are you doing?
300
00:14:19,499 --> 00:14:21,583
What happened to the guy
that was in that van?
301
00:14:21,708 --> 00:14:22,727
Cops took him.
302
00:14:22,894 --> 00:14:23,894
What?
303
00:14:24,268 --> 00:14:25,980
- My God.
- Ann and Mark!
304
00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:28,268
It's Ann and Mark.
305
00:14:33,637 --> 00:14:35,904
We caught a criminal.
Do you know about this?
306
00:14:36,072 --> 00:14:37,697
He was breaking into this van,
307
00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:39,991
and they dragged him away.
308
00:14:40,220 --> 00:14:41,702
It was crazy.
309
00:14:41,827 --> 00:14:42,827
Right here.
310
00:14:42,995 --> 00:14:44,287
What are you doing here?
311
00:14:47,728 --> 00:14:50,835
If you could {\just } stop writing for a second
and {\just }focus here, 'cause...
312
00:14:51,003 --> 00:14:52,003
Ma'am.
313
00:14:52,128 --> 00:14:55,002
As I've already told you {\several times },
this is a police matter.
314
00:14:55,549 --> 00:14:58,099
It doesn't seem
to matter to the police.
315
00:14:59,379 --> 00:15:02,305
{\pos(192,240)}- Nice job with that, but listen...
- Let me ask you a question.
316
00:15:02,473 --> 00:15:04,590
{\pos(192,240)}Is it the policy
of the Pawnee Police Department
317
00:15:04,715 --> 00:15:06,976
{\pos(192,240)}to arrest people
when they{\ try to} get into their own van?
318
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:09,757
{\pos(192,240)}{\And, thankfully,}That's not what happened.
319
00:15:09,939 --> 00:15:11,356
{\pos(192,240)}{\So now }Could you please go home,
320
00:15:11,524 --> 00:15:13,582
{\pos(192,250)}get some sleep
and let this matter be resolved?
321
00:15:13,707 --> 00:15:15,124
{\Thank you, officer.}Let's just go home.
322
00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:16,620
Let's go home.
323
00:15:16,745 --> 00:15:18,502
- No!
- Let's just go home.
324
00:15:20,887 --> 00:15:21,614
Easy.
325
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,186
- Come with me{\, please}.
- {\Fine, }I'd like to come with you.
326
00:15:25,311 --> 00:15:26,980
Your friend, he acted like an ass.
327
00:15:27,105 --> 00:15:28,665
And{\ you got to believe me,} he didn't give me a choice.
328
00:15:29,358 --> 00:15:31,125
Your name's Dave{\, right}?
Can I call you Dave?
329
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,754
My mother likes David,
but I'm pretty split on...
330
00:15:34,922 --> 00:15:36,275
I hate to break it to you.
331
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,840
You really stepped in it.
332
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:39,008
What?
333
00:15:39,176 --> 00:15:41,886
I'm a government employee,
and so is your prisoner.
334
00:15:42,196 --> 00:15:44,222
If I wanted to,
I could get on the horn,
335
00:15:44,589 --> 00:15:46,574
and I could have
Ron Swanson down here.
336
00:15:46,699 --> 00:15:48,059
Kicking down your doors.
337
00:15:48,227 --> 00:15:49,686
That's right, you heard me.
338
00:15:54,859 --> 00:15:56,526
What branch of government
are you in?
339
00:15:59,109 --> 00:16:00,321
Parks and Recreation.
340
00:16:02,424 --> 00:16:03,574
Do I stutter?
341
00:16:06,790 --> 00:16:08,510
It wasn't just his behavior.
342
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,999
I think your friend
might be {\some kind of }a pervert.
343
00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:13,530
{\No, look, }That's what people think
when they first meet him
344
00:16:13,655 --> 00:16:16,044
- but he's all talk.
- I'm being serious.
345
00:16:16,169 --> 00:16:18,715
We searched the van,
and we found a lot of disturbing things.
346
00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:21,301
Some professional
photography equipment,
347
00:16:21,469 --> 00:16:23,679
and these pictures
of some people on a date.
348
00:16:23,994 --> 00:16:26,694
We also found
an enormous amount of manure,
349
00:16:26,992 --> 00:16:29,379
and a very inappropriate
amount of candy.
350
00:16:31,499 --> 00:16:33,257
Tom and I were in that van together.
351
00:16:33,382 --> 00:16:35,218
We were staking out
the community garden
352
00:16:35,343 --> 00:16:37,241
because somebody
planted marijuana in it.
353
00:16:37,366 --> 00:16:39,027
I brought the candy, {\and I brought }a lot of it
354
00:16:39,195 --> 00:16:40,367
because I love it.{\candy}
355
00:16:40,492 --> 00:16:41,763
I took the pictures.
356
00:16:42,838 --> 00:16:45,492
My best friend was going on a date
with my ex-lover.
357
00:16:46,702 --> 00:16:48,316
It's been a very long night.
358
00:16:48,548 --> 00:16:51,205
But Tom is not a pervert,
and he shouldn't be in jail.
359
00:16:53,709 --> 00:16:56,002
Well, they're gonna release him.
In a little while.
360
00:16:56,380 --> 00:16:57,661
Thank God.
361
00:16:58,342 --> 00:17:00,142
Should I get you home right now?
362
00:17:00,267 --> 00:17:02,967
{\You knowwhat, }You two go ahead.
I'm gonna stay here and wait for Tom.
363
00:17:03,388 --> 00:17:05,196
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
364
00:17:05,321 --> 00:17:06,871
Prison changes a man.
365
00:17:07,373 --> 00:17:10,266
I think he'll {\probably}wanna see a familiar face
when he gets back on the outside.
366
00:17:10,999 --> 00:17:13,360
Well, OK, then.
See you, Leslie.
367
00:17:20,527 --> 00:17:22,862
Yo. I had to wait
till my dad fell asleep
368
00:17:23,030 --> 00:17:24,830
so I could steal his keys.
369
00:17:25,108 --> 00:17:26,115
You ready?
370
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,009
I was born ready.
371
00:17:30,612 --> 00:17:32,311
I'm Ron ***** Swanson.
372
00:17:34,875 --> 00:17:36,150
Easy. Care...
373
00:17:37,701 --> 00:17:38,701
Careful!
374
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:46,800
Ann, I really don't think
you should invite me in.
375
00:17:46,967 --> 00:17:49,217
Terrible things happened last time.
376
00:17:51,016 --> 00:17:52,666
So I guess I'll just...
377
00:17:53,675 --> 00:17:55,025
see you tomorrow.
378
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:58,544
Bye.
379
00:18:01,883 --> 00:18:03,483
You kind of kissed me.
380
00:18:03,866 --> 00:18:06,408
Yes, I did,
and now we both have herpes.
381
00:18:07,061 --> 00:18:08,511
I'll see you later.
382
00:18:24,008 --> 00:18:26,592
- Thanks for waiting. Appreciate it.
- Mother Teresa.
383
00:18:27,267 --> 00:18:30,346
It's not your chocolate.
Don't... get your hands off that.
384
00:18:30,606 --> 00:18:32,033
- Wake up.
- What?
385
00:18:32,549 --> 00:18:34,154
Is this your house?
Where are we?
386
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:35,560
You're awake?
387
00:18:38,823 --> 00:18:41,232
- Thanks for the coat.
- It's no problem, you can keep it.
388
00:18:41,423 --> 00:18:42,275
Really?
389
00:18:43,391 --> 00:18:46,320
Actually, no.
I need that for my uniform.
390
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,573
But I can give you a ride{\back to your car}.
391
00:18:50,491 --> 00:18:51,954
We'll talk about the coat.
392
00:18:52,156 --> 00:18:54,287
- I can't give it to you. {\You }Understand?
- OK.
393
00:18:56,281 --> 00:18:58,435
So where's that marijuana at?
394
00:18:59,445 --> 00:19:00,990
It's down in the garden.
395
00:19:01,214 --> 00:19:03,963
Good meeting you, man.
Should grab a drink {\or something}some time.
396
00:19:05,653 --> 00:19:07,133
I hope Ann and Mark got home okay.
397
00:19:07,301 --> 00:19:10,751
That's all that matters{\, you know}.
That Ann is home, and she's okay.
398
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,557
And that Mark is also okay,
and he is in his home.
399
00:19:14,225 --> 00:19:16,887
Just important that they're both
in their homes.
400
00:19:17,012 --> 00:19:18,227
Mark's an idiot.
401
00:19:18,604 --> 00:19:21,606
You could do a lot better than him.
Forget about him.
402
00:19:22,878 --> 00:19:23,978
Thanks, Tom.
403
00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:28,196
I didn't mean me.
Keep it in your pants, Knope.
404
00:19:29,742 --> 00:19:31,741
I swear to God,
it actually... it was there.
405
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:33,009
These are...
406
00:19:33,484 --> 00:19:34,484
carrots.
407
00:19:35,566 --> 00:19:38,808
You don't think I know the difference
between carrots and marijuana?
408
00:19:41,235 --> 00:19:43,494
Is that the house there
where your best friend lives?
409
00:19:43,619 --> 00:19:45,162
Where she saw the van from?
410
00:19:47,337 --> 00:19:48,257
I get it.
411
00:19:48,425 --> 00:19:49,226
What?
412
00:19:49,458 --> 00:19:51,219
You wanted to check up
on your friend
413
00:19:51,387 --> 00:19:53,012
and that guy, your ex,
414
00:19:53,451 --> 00:19:57,016
so you made up a story about weed
so you could stake out their date.
415
00:19:57,184 --> 00:19:58,019
I did not.
416
00:19:58,144 --> 00:20:00,311
- There actually was weed here.
- It's okay.
417
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,064
I think it's kind of cute.
418
00:20:07,371 --> 00:20:08,615
I like Miss Knope.{\I liked her.}
419
00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:09,875
I gotta say
420
00:20:10,541 --> 00:20:12,988
when I first met her,
I didn't care much for her,
421
00:20:13,113 --> 00:20:16,953
because, like 99% of the people
in any given day of my life,
422
00:20:17,121 --> 00:20:18,787
she was very belligerent
423
00:20:18,912 --> 00:20:20,262
and disagreeable.
424
00:20:20,541 --> 00:20:23,689
Miss Knope was attractive to me
as a man.
425
00:20:24,330 --> 00:20:27,799
I was attracted to her
in her demeanor.
426
00:20:27,924 --> 00:20:31,551
I was attracted to her
in a sexual manner that was appropriate.
427
00:20:33,765 --> 00:20:35,596
{\Can we... }I don't want to talk
about this anymore.
428
00:20:37,756 --> 00:20:39,943
What a crazy night.
Partner?
429
00:20:40,069 --> 00:20:41,563
Want to go get some breakfast?
430
00:20:41,688 --> 00:20:43,729
What? No.
Take me home.
431
00:20:43,897 --> 00:20:45,298
What is wrong with you?
432
00:20:46,776 --> 00:20:49,443
Oh, my God,
I can't believe this is on!
433
00:20:50,768 --> 00:20:52,590
I wonder if mini golf is open.
434
00:20:53,046 --> 00:20:54,046
Home!
435
00:20:57,812 --> 00:20:59,078
Ann-danawicz,
436
00:20:59,472 --> 00:21:01,620
what are you guys doing?
Eating? Love it.
437
00:21:01,798 --> 00:21:04,082
Just wanted to thank you
for having me arrested
438
00:21:04,207 --> 00:21:06,168
as a pervert the other night.
That was cool.
439
00:21:06,336 --> 00:21:07,197
Peace.
440
00:21:07,989 --> 00:21:10,798
We didn't think you were a pervert.
We thought you were a criminal.
441
00:21:12,263 --> 00:21:15,565
For the record, I still actually
kind of think he's a pervert.