"Thank you, Old Gus,
for brightening our lives,
"our hearts,
and most importantly,
our shoes."
This truly is a day
of mixed emotions for me.
I'm sad that Old Gus
is leaving,
but it allows me to help
Andy restart his life
as Pioneer Hall's
new shoeshine guy.
Well, I've been listening
to your boring speeches
for the last 50 years,
and now it's time
for you to
listen to one of mine.
You know, a day like this
makes a man
reflect upon his life,
and I've come
to the conclusion that
I've completely wasted mine.
And just for the record,
I never ever liked
being called "Old Gus."
I didn't understand it
when I was in my 20s,
and I sure hate it now.
So go to hell,
every single one of you.
Screw Pawnee,
and screw your damn shoes.
Oh, God.
That's classic.
So, I propose that we
change our name from
the Sub-committee
for Pit Beautification
to the Sub-committee
for Lot Beautification.
April, stop that.
Who are you texting?
You.
Aw.
She's texting me.
I'm sorry you're bored.
Uh, hey, everyone.
Oh, hey, Ann.
Leslie, can I talk
to you for a minute?
Fine. Tom, you're in charge.
Keep the momentum going.
Keep these minds working.
Absolutely, chief. Okay.
Would you rather
be able to fly,
or speak fluent French?
Donna, go.
French.
I don't wanna freak you out,
but another department
filed a planning claim
for Lot 48.
Who?
No.
Yeah.
Damn it. The library?
Pawnee's
library department
is the most diabolical,
ruthless bunch
of bureaucrats
I've ever seen.
They're like a biker gang,
but instead of shotguns
and crystal meth, they use
political savvy and shushing.
It's gonna be okay.
It's not a done deal.
Yeah, you're right.
Thanks for pulling me
out of there.
I need a good plan, though.
You know,
I don't wanna cause a panic.
Newsflash, we're screwed.
We got a big
problem with the library.
Punk-ass book jockeys.
Wait. Why do we
hate the library?
The library is the worst
group of people ever
assembled in history.
They're mean,
conniving, rude,
and extremely well read,
which makes them
very dangerous.
And they're trying to steal
Lot 48 for a new branch.
What?
Get out of here.
Yeah. Yeah.
On 48?
I actually think
a library would be nice
that close to my house.
Let's bring the library down.
Yeah.
But I'm not about
to say that in there.
A new branch?
Jerks.
You're kidding.
Oh, I hate them.
Okay. We need to make
contact with someone there.
Does anybody know anybody
that works at the library?
Well, we actually
kind of do.
The new Deputy Director
of the department
is Tammy Swanson.
Ron's ex-wife?
That's terrific.
Or is that awful?
I mean, he hates her,
but he knows her.
Everything's okay.
Or is it just the same?
Leslie, you're thinking
out loud again.
Am I? I am.
Of course. That bitch
of an ex-wife is working
for the library now.
That is perfect.
The worst person in the world
working at the worst
place in the world.
I have to go talk to her.
And you got to give me
something I can use.
Does she have any weaknesses?
No.
What do you mean, no?
Everybody has a weakness.
Not machines.
I honestly believe
that she was programmed
by someone from the future
to come back and destroy
all happiness.
I see. I knew that
you had two ex-wives
named Tammy,
so I was hoping that
there was one that
you got along with and...
Nope. I hate them both.
On my deathbed, my final
wish is to have my ex-wives
rushed to my side,
so I can use my dying breath
to tell them both
to go to hell one last time.
Would I get married again?
Oh, absolutely.
If you don't believe in love,
what's the point of living?
I'm just looking
forward to a thoughtful
debate with Tammy
about the relative merits
of parks versus libraries.
And in case
something bad goes down,
I wore my sharpest rings.
This one will tear you up.
Hello? Hi.
I'm Leslie Knope.
I called
a little while ago.
You have a lot of nerve
showing your face here.
Excuse me?
You have overdue book
fees totaling $3, missy.
That is so typical.
I should have known
you'd use a low blow,
dirty pool BS move like that.
No...
That's why everybody
hates the library.
Here. You know what?
Here's your $3.
Leslie, no...
And I'll see you in hell.
Leslie, Leslie, Leslie.
I'm just kidding.
My gosh, I mean, you did
have $3 worth of fines,
but I cleared them.
We government gals
have to watch each
other's backs, right?
I know this is a trap.
But I don't know how.
Okay. Did you talk to Ron?
Ron tends to exaggerate
when it comes to me.
I swear I don't
have cloven feet.
Please. Sit down.
Shine, shine,
shine your shoes.
What do you say, sir?
Ma'am? Shoeshine?
I won't look up your skirt.
Ann. Whoa. Oh, my gosh.
Crazy. What are you doing?
It's me. It's Andy.
Hi, Andy.
So, Ann, how you been?
Good. Yeah, Leslie told me
you were working here now.
Yeah, I just
joined the rat race.
Chasing the cheese.
Racing the rats,
trying to get the cheese.
Enough technical
business talk.
You look ravishing.
Not a lot of customers, huh?
Yeah, business
is a little slow.
It is definitely
due to the economy.
I've been hearing
a lot of people say that
a lot about a lot of stuff.
Whoa, Mark. You want
those shoes shined?
I'll give you a discount
because you're a friend
of Ann's.
Well, I'm more than
a friend of Ann's.
Not for long.
Sorry?
I don't know.
At least he finally
has a real job.
When we were dating,
the only job he had
was sending audition tapes
to Survivor
and Deal or No Deal.
Hi, my name is Andy Dwyer,
and I would be
a perfect contestant
for Deal or No Deal.
I want it to be
a perfect park
with a state-of-the-art
swing set,
and basketball courts,
and off to the side,
a lovely sitting area
for kids with asthma
to watch other kids play.
Wow. If I'd had a park
like that
when I was growing up,
I probably wouldn't have
gone through such a prolonged
mall-slut phase.
Well, that's
the goal, Tammy.
Listen, you guys
got there first.
I'm gonna withdraw
my request for the lot,
as a professional
courtesy to you.
Government gals, right?
Government gals.
So you talked to Tammy?
What's it like to stare into
the eye of Satan's butthole?
She's changed, Ron.
She's a different person.
I think it would be
healthy for you to get
a sense of closure.
Look at Mark and me.
We slept together.
We talked about it,
we're still friends.
You slept with Brendanawicz?
No.
Look, Tammy and I don't work.
We are oil and water.
Or oil, and TNT, and C-4,
and a detonator,
and a butane torch.
Nothing good will come...
Wait.
She's here, isn't she?
Hi, Ron.
Tammy.
Good. Good start.
I'm sorry about this,
but I just really
wanna talk to you.
Couldn't we go
have a cup of coffee?
Let's get this over with.
Thanks, Ron. It means a lot.
You're a miracle worker.
Oh.
Do you know
what you just did?
Yes, Donna.
I got two people
to put aside years
of hostility
and open a door
to the possibility
of friendship.
You were not here
when Ron and Tammy
got divorced. I was.
Those two are crazy.
Yeah. And you just opened
the gates to Crazytown.
Frankly, I think Ron
was acting like a baby,
a little bit.
I mean, what is he afraid of?
Tammy's just a woman.
A nice woman.
You know,
she's not a murderer.
She's not a dragon.
It's really good
to see you, Ron.
You've aged horribly.
You son of a bitch.
That didn't take long.
Oh, my God.
What is your problem?
Nothing's changed, has it?
Who set the bed on fire, huh?
Excuse me, folks.
I did. Okay?
Is that what you wanna hear?
Please, folks.
We're fine. We're fine.
Okay. I'm so sorry.
Please.
Fine. Take it easy.
Oh, my God.
When you meddle
in someone's personal life,
it's just so rewarding.
Oh, God, yes. Oh, God.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Sir. Ma'am.
Oh, God.
Oh, yes.
Baby. Gun it.
The usual place.
Have Gun Will Travel
reads the card of a man
A knight without
armor in a savage land
Good morning, Jerry.
That is a beautiful
sweater vest.
April. You look like
you could use $20.
Am I right?
Why?
'Cause you're a kid,
and kids always need money.
I need money.
Ha! That's why
you're my favorite, Tom.
When Tiger Woods
feels invincible,
he wears a red shirt
and black pants.
Good morning, Deputy.
Ron wears the same thing
after he's had sex.
I'm a simple man.
I like pretty,
dark-haired women
and breakfast food.
But this stock photo
I bought at a framing store
isn't real.
Today, I got
the real thing.
A naked Tammy made me
breakfast this morning.
I should have
taken a picture of it.
Hey, Tom.
What's up?
My girlfriend's ex is working
100 feet away from my desk,
and he's been pretty clear
about wanting her back.
What do I do with that?
Mmm. That's a tough one.
You should break up
with her, and tell her
to go out with me.
That's good.
Can I ask you
another question?
Why did I come
to you for advice?
Okay. I think you should
play this one cool, man.
Be the grown-up.
Take the high road.
Yeah.
Ann's a classy chick.
If you get down in the mud,
you're just gonna
lose her respect.
You've just made
a surprising amount
of sense, Tom. Thank you.
I've never taken
the high road.
But I tell other people to.
'Cause then there's more
room for me on the low road.
So, how did your
coffee with Tammy go?
Leslie, I can't
thank you enough
for sticking your nose
where it didn't belong.
I knew it. So what
did you guys talk about?
Old times?
Oh, I love talking
about old times.
New times are great, too,
but there's just
something about old times,
you know what I mean?
We didn't talk.
We made love.
Oh, my. Mmm. Good.
Well, spare me the details.
I'm just happy.
It was so intense,
I didn't know
where my flesh
stopped and hers began.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Our marriage was always
a complete disaster,
but we did have that.
The two of us. It's like
doing peyote and sneezing,
slowly, for six hours.
This seems like a private
matter, but I'm so...
That woman really knows
her way around a penis.
Okay. Well, I'm happy that
it went well and that you
enjoyed your coffee.
I truly believe that
everyone should be friends
with their exes.
I can't even tell you
how many of my exes'
weddings I've been to.
They're reading
their old divorce papers.
"Three fistfuls of hair."
That's not even possible.
Well, I'm too classy to say
"I told you so," Donna.
So I wrote it on a Post-it.
Leslie.
Why don't you take
the rest of the day off?
I mean,
you spend so much time
worrying about this park,
but really, who cares?
I care.
I care a lot.
It's kind of my thing,
remember?
But at the end of the day,
what does it matter
if the lot becomes a park,
or a museum, or a megachurch?
Or a library.
Nobody said "library."
Ron, have you been talking
to Tammy about the lot?
No.
I swear on a grave.
Oh, my God.
Ron, tell me the truth.
Are you giving her the lot?
Not giving.
We have discussed a trade.
For what?
More...
Excuse me?
More sex.
Ugh!
Tammy, can I speak
with you for a second?
I know what you're doing.
You don't care about Ron.
You're just using him
to get Lot 48
for your library.
Leslie, that's crazy.
And correct.
Why are you doing this?
Les, there are two kinds
of women in this world.
There are women who work hard
and stress out about
doing the right thing.
And then there are
women who are cool.
You could either be
a Cleopatra or you could
be an Eleanor Roosevelt.
I'd rather
be Cleopatra.
What kind of lunatic
would wanna be Cleopatra
over Eleanor Roosevelt?
Haven't you ever
messed with a man's head
just to see
what you could get
him to do for you?
We do it all the time
in the Library Department.
You should come
join us sometime.
I would never work
at the Library Department.
I'm gonna tell Ron
what you just said,
and this little game
that you're playing
is gonna be over.
Okeydoke.
Yeah, you better run.
We're no longer
government gals.
Look, we need to talk.
Ron, no.
The Planning Department
Re-prioritization Document?
Calm down,
I haven't signed it yet.
Yeah, well,
you're going to.
Because Tammy wants you to,
and you do
everything that she wants.
She made some
really good points
about libraries.
Are you even
listening to yourself?
You're defending
the library now?
Ron, the library?
Of all the horrifying,
miserable things in the world?
Some people like libraries.
I can't even
believe what I'm hearing.
"Some people like libraries."
Ron, she's in your head.
You said that she was
a manipulative monster,
and you were right.
No. No. Tammy's changed.
Look me in the eye
and tell me
that she's changed.
Look me in the eye.
I'm so screwed, Knope.
Her hooks are in my brain.
Yep.
She has all the power
and I have nothing.
I'm so little.
Why don't you just
break up with her?
I don't think I can.
We would just end up naked,
and I'd give her
your lot, and my house,
and God knows what else.
I have no control
over my actions.
It's like she's
crawled up inside of me.
Oh, God, Ron, I don't
wanna hear about your
disgusting sex anymore.
Okay? Now sack up.
You are Ron freaking Swanson.
Not around her, I'm not.
It took years of intense,
focused hatred
to get over her,
and now I've undone
all that great work.
You've got to help
me break up with her.
I don't think I should
get involved in this.
Oh, now you don't
wanna get involved?
"It's just coffee, Ron."
"She's changed, Ron."
"I let Mark nail me
and we're still friends."
Okay. I would
never use those words.
I never said...
Point taken.
Let's go dump your ex.
Thank you.
So, would you like
to be in the room
when I tell her it's over,
or would you
rather wait outside?
In the room.
I don't want her
to think I'm a wimp.
Here're the ground rules.
Don't talk to her.
Do not make eye
contact with her.
Don't believe
anything she says.
Just sit there,
like a potted plant.
Can you do that?
Come on.
Do you have any tong...
Mark.
Hey.
Hey. Donna.
So, how's the shoeshine game?
I'm on a break,
one of the many advantages
of owning your own business.
You know that's not
your situation, right?
Yeah. Listen, Donna.
Yes.
Quick question.
Ann is trying to decide
between Mark and myself.
No, she's not, actually.
If you had to choose,
who would you choose?
Right now, on the spot.
I'm not sure.
Why don't you
spin around for me?
You know what?
Can we talk privately?
Sure.
Just out here.
Mmm.
Andy.
So, Tammy, for that
and many other reasons,
Ron has decided to
end this relationship.
Wait a minute.
Ron brought you here
to break up with me for him?
She volunteered.
Leslie, Ron doesn't
wanna break up with me.
What Ron wants to do
is leave here right now,
go to the sleaziest
motel in town,
and wrap himself around
me like a coiled snake.
No, he doesn't.
I'm pretty sure he does.
See? He's completely
over you.
Look, I understand
that this Ann
situation is awkward.
But I like you
a lot as a dude.
And I just hope
that there is some way
that we can both be mature,
and maybe be friends.
Yeah. I doubt it.
I mean, I think
you're a cool dude, too.
I like you as well.
But I'm still
in love with Ann.
I couldn't have been
more upfront about that.
Is punching allowed
on the high road?
I'm sorry, Leslie.
She wins.
I can't resist her.
God, Ron, you have to.
Stay out of this.
This is our relationship.
He's my man.
And we have something
twisted and beautiful.
Oh.
You want Ron. That's
what this is all about.
No. That's insane.
Fine, I had one dream.
But no, no.
Baby, don't you see
what's happening here?
She's manipulating you
because she's jealous of me,
and the things I get to do
to your body and face.
I'm here because
Ron is my friend,
and I don't like seeing
my friends miserable.
And you, Tammy,
you make him miserable.
So, Ron,
you can give her the lot,
or don't, whatever.
Just, please,
find a way to be happy.
Knope. Wait.
Ron, it's okay.
Just sign the thing.
No, Leslie, it's not okay.
You just put my needs
in front of your own.
No woman has ever
done that for me before.
I'm sure that's not true.
You see the kind of women
that I choose, right?
Look, just wait
for me downstairs.
If I'm not down
in five minutes,
it's only because
I'm receiving
a pleasure so intense...
Oh, my God.
What the hell
are you doing?
"Andy and Ann's
Family Shoeshine"?
Andy, Ann, I thought it
had a nice ring to it.
Oh, my God. Look,
Mark has been really
cool about all this,
and you're throwing it
in his face.
Look, I still have
feelings for you. Okay?
I said it.
What do you want me to do?
Not mention those feelings
to your boyfriend?
Yes.
And you might wanna
take these pictures down.
Oh, my God.
Take those pictures down.
What? Fine.
All of them.
I'm gonna.
Now. Oh, my God.
Give me the bikini one.
The teeny one?
Bikini one.
You didn't give her the lot.
Let's get out of here.
Is part of your
mustache missing?
Yes. Just keep walking.
There's a pushpin
in your face.
Leave it in.
Can't you walk faster?
My legs are shorter
than yours.
Mmm.
We had a good run.
Thank you for saving
my future park.
I know that must've
been hard for you.
You didn't kill Tammy,
did you?
I'm afraid
she can't be killed.
To exes. May they
always stay that way.
Tammy is a mean person.
Come on, Ron. You can
do better than that.
She's a grade-A bitch.
There we go.
Every time she laughs,
an angel dies.
Even telemarketers
avoid her.
Her birth was payback
for the sins of man.
But you know
the worst thing about her?
She works for the library.