1 00:00:01,909 --> 00:00:04,315 Hi, I'm Tom Haverford. I work at the parks department. 2 00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:06,226 It's a little douchy 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:07,706 Good call, J. 4 00:00:07,706 --> 00:00:09,943 I'm getting divorced, so i'm trying to up my game. 5 00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:12,211 Who am I supposed to ask for fashion device? Jerry? 6 00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:14,447 He wears the same soup-stained khakis every day. 7 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:16,049 Justin's my savior. 8 00:00:16,116 --> 00:00:18,284 He's like an issue of gq that's come to life. 9 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,820 - * duh-duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh duh-na-ba * 10 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:21,854 Tommy timberlake. 11 00:00:21,922 --> 00:00:24,590 - You look like encyclopedia brown. 12 00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:27,293 - Sequins! 13 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:30,997 - Try it without the gloves. - Sequins! 14 00:00:31,065 --> 00:00:32,632 Minus the gloves. 15 00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:34,100 Hey, what's up. I'm tom. 16 00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:37,303 Is my shirt lighting up, 'cause I didn't even notice. 17 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,604 All right, guys, let's talk accessories. 18 00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:40,206 Be honest. Which cane do you like better? 19 00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:42,742 Dragon. Serpent. Dragon. Serpent. 20 00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,577 Belt buckle says "what's crackin'?" 21 00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:45,878 I can have it say whatever I want. 22 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:47,313 It can say "what's crackin'? I'm tom." 23 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:49,215 "what's crackin', girl?" "what's crackin', boo?" 24 00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:52,218 Eagle medallion. [as bird] gah gah. 25 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,854 - Well, as far as white leather suits go... 26 00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:58,558 - It's horrible. - I like it. 27 00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:03,596 [triumphant music] 28 00:01:20,931 --> 00:01:25,128 - Sweetums has been pawnee's leading sweet treat manufacturer 29 00:01:25,128 --> 00:01:27,163 For over 80 years. 30 00:01:27,230 --> 00:01:31,433 And we are so excited about our new partnership 31 00:01:31,501 --> 00:01:33,269 With the parks department. 32 00:01:33,336 --> 00:01:34,737 [cheers and applause] huh? Welcome. 33 00:01:34,805 --> 00:01:36,038 - Starting next month, 34 00:01:36,106 --> 00:01:37,907 Sweetums is gonna take over the concession stands 35 00:01:37,974 --> 00:01:39,275 In our parks. 36 00:01:39,342 --> 00:01:41,644 I-I don't love the idea of corporate sponsorship, 37 00:01:41,711 --> 00:01:44,146 But sweetums is an institution. 38 00:01:44,214 --> 00:01:46,515 When you think of pawnee, you think of sweetums. 39 00:01:46,583 --> 00:01:49,385 - Although candy is our bread and butter, 40 00:01:49,452 --> 00:01:52,188 We also care about the health of our customers. 41 00:01:52,255 --> 00:01:57,092 And that's why we'll be debuting our new, healthy energy bar, 42 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,961 Nutriyums. 43 00:01:59,029 --> 00:02:01,730 Take a look. 44 00:02:01,798 --> 00:02:05,801 - Hi. I'm nick newport, jr. Ceo of sweetums. 45 00:02:05,869 --> 00:02:08,871 And I'd like to introduce to you our new line of energy bars, 46 00:02:08,939 --> 00:02:10,339 Nutriyums. 47 00:02:10,407 --> 00:02:12,641 We start with 100% all-natural corn. 48 00:02:12,709 --> 00:02:15,110 Then we add just a little bit of sweetums' corn syrup, 49 00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:17,680 Little drop of sunshine, and some other stuff. 50 00:02:17,747 --> 00:02:18,948 And since they're from sweetums, 51 00:02:19,015 --> 00:02:20,249 You know your kids are gonna love it. 52 00:02:20,317 --> 00:02:21,517 - Wow, that family looks so healthy. 53 00:02:21,585 --> 00:02:22,885 Look at them. They're all wearing vests. 54 00:02:22,953 --> 00:02:24,720 - Dakota, denver. [dog barks] 55 00:02:24,788 --> 00:02:26,622 Sorry, shoelace, we don't make nutriyums 56 00:02:26,690 --> 00:02:28,691 For dogs...Yet. 57 00:02:28,758 --> 00:02:30,693 - [laughs] shoelace. 58 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:32,795 - Nutriyums, where nutritious meets tasty. 59 00:02:32,863 --> 00:02:34,063 By sweetums. 60 00:02:35,532 --> 00:02:38,734 - If you can't beat 'em... - All: Sweetums! 61 00:02:38,802 --> 00:02:40,502 - I could not be happier about this. 62 00:02:40,570 --> 00:02:43,873 I think the entire government should be privatized. 63 00:02:43,940 --> 00:02:46,609 Chuck e. Cheese could run the parks. 64 00:02:46,676 --> 00:02:48,911 Everything operated by tokens. 65 00:02:48,979 --> 00:02:51,347 Drop in a token, go on the swing set. 66 00:02:51,414 --> 00:02:54,350 Drop in another token, take a walk. 67 00:02:54,417 --> 00:02:57,953 Drop in a token, look at a duck. 68 00:02:58,021 --> 00:03:01,223 - * brendanawicz * quick question. 69 00:03:01,291 --> 00:03:02,591 Do you personally know xzibit? 70 00:03:02,659 --> 00:03:04,460 Because I was checking out that pickup truck of yours 71 00:03:04,527 --> 00:03:06,328 And that ride is pimp. 72 00:03:06,396 --> 00:03:09,431 - It's really nice of you to compliment my pickup truck 73 00:03:09,499 --> 00:03:10,733 With no ulterior motive. 74 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,601 - Yeah, so listen, I need to move some stuff 75 00:03:12,669 --> 00:03:14,470 This weekend into my new bachelor pad 76 00:03:14,537 --> 00:03:16,071 Since my divorce is finally going down. 77 00:03:16,139 --> 00:03:17,106 Just some odds and ends. 78 00:03:17,173 --> 00:03:18,407 You can bring over the markmobile, 79 00:03:18,475 --> 00:03:19,808 Help me move, right? 80 00:03:19,876 --> 00:03:22,544 - I'm totally blanking on a valid excuse right now. 81 00:03:22,612 --> 00:03:26,081 So yes, I'll help you. - My boy! 82 00:03:26,149 --> 00:03:28,884 - I [bleep] hate having a pickup truck. 83 00:03:28,952 --> 00:03:31,020 - Andy, I have a very interesting 84 00:03:31,087 --> 00:03:33,122 Business proposal for you. 85 00:03:33,189 --> 00:03:35,124 I'm moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend. 86 00:03:35,191 --> 00:03:38,560 - Can I help you move? I'm really good at it. 87 00:03:38,628 --> 00:03:40,396 Afterwards, I'll take the cardboard from the boxes 88 00:03:40,463 --> 00:03:41,430 And I'll use it for break dancing. 89 00:03:41,498 --> 00:03:43,565 - I'll go too. - Really. 90 00:03:43,633 --> 00:03:44,967 'cause an hour ago, you told me 91 00:03:45,035 --> 00:03:46,769 You'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents. 92 00:03:46,836 --> 00:03:49,571 - Shut up. I don't have anything else to do. 93 00:03:49,639 --> 00:03:50,839 Do you want help or not? 94 00:03:50,907 --> 00:03:53,409 - All right. See you guys later. 95 00:03:53,476 --> 00:03:54,944 - I think that that's really, really sweet 96 00:03:55,011 --> 00:03:58,747 That your grandparents still make love. 97 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:08,057 - Oh. Ready to go? - Yes. Your keys, please. 98 00:04:08,124 --> 00:04:09,625 - [chuckles] you got to be kidding me. 99 00:04:09,693 --> 00:04:10,893 I'm fine. 100 00:04:10,961 --> 00:04:13,729 - We'll let the chart be the judge of that. 101 00:04:13,797 --> 00:04:17,232 What, are you 5'11"? 210 pounds. 102 00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,268 Three whiskeys. 103 00:04:19,336 --> 00:04:22,237 It looks like you're just over the line into impaired. 104 00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:23,939 - You carry that with you all the time? 105 00:04:24,007 --> 00:04:25,541 - It comes in handy. 106 00:04:25,608 --> 00:04:28,143 And on the back, it teaches you how to play blackjack. 107 00:04:28,211 --> 00:04:29,979 - Swansons have a preternaturally high tolerance 108 00:04:30,046 --> 00:04:31,313 For alcohol. 109 00:04:31,381 --> 00:04:33,615 My old man used to put wild turkey on his corn flakes. 110 00:04:33,683 --> 00:04:34,950 - I'm not gonna argue with you, ron. 111 00:04:35,018 --> 00:04:36,685 We're just gonna sit and wait until, you know, 112 00:04:36,753 --> 00:04:40,589 You're safe to drive, which would be in about... 113 00:04:40,657 --> 00:04:43,459 One hour. 114 00:04:43,526 --> 00:04:48,297 "insurance is a side bet when you wager half 115 00:04:48,365 --> 00:04:50,699 "of your original bet because you believe the dealer 116 00:04:50,767 --> 00:04:53,969 Has a 10 in the hole." 117 00:04:54,037 --> 00:04:55,270 - [honks horn] 118 00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:58,974 - Get off my car, woman! - 20 minutes! 119 00:04:59,042 --> 00:05:01,577 The dealer really has an advantage. 120 00:05:01,644 --> 00:05:03,579 That's what I get the most from this. 121 00:05:07,817 --> 00:05:10,452 Hey, ron. 122 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,655 - Morning, leslie. Did you have a good night? 123 00:05:13,723 --> 00:05:15,257 - I did. I watched a really good docu-- 124 00:05:15,325 --> 00:05:16,291 What is that? 125 00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:17,993 - This is what I did last night. 126 00:05:18,061 --> 00:05:19,328 After I got home, 127 00:05:19,396 --> 00:05:21,830 I drank six more glasses of whiskey 128 00:05:21,898 --> 00:05:24,266 And then I finished crafting this small harp 129 00:05:24,334 --> 00:05:26,235 Using a band saw, a spokeshave, 130 00:05:26,302 --> 00:05:28,203 And an oscillating spindle sander. 131 00:05:28,271 --> 00:05:30,239 [harp strings ring harmoniously] 132 00:05:30,306 --> 00:05:32,474 - Beautiful. - But wait, there's more. 133 00:05:32,542 --> 00:05:35,244 Here are some photographs of me drinking the whiskey. 134 00:05:35,311 --> 00:05:37,246 You'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper 135 00:05:37,313 --> 00:05:39,415 So you can tell that I'm not lying. 136 00:05:39,482 --> 00:05:42,217 - Mm. I feel like I'm in a spa. 137 00:05:44,721 --> 00:05:46,321 - So I got my truck all cleaned out 138 00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:47,689 And ready to go for tomorrow. 139 00:05:47,757 --> 00:05:50,592 Do you have, like, furniture pads and, uh, dollies, 140 00:05:50,660 --> 00:05:51,727 That sort of thing? 141 00:05:51,795 --> 00:05:53,228 - Ooh. I thought the mover supplied those. 142 00:05:53,296 --> 00:05:56,999 - I'm not a mover. I'm a sap who owns a truck. 143 00:05:57,067 --> 00:05:58,600 - Don't talk about yourself like that. 144 00:05:58,668 --> 00:06:01,370 And bring some coffee. - Hey, are you moving out? 145 00:06:01,438 --> 00:06:02,971 Have you told wendy how you feel yet? 146 00:06:03,039 --> 00:06:05,007 - Uh, waiting for the right time. 147 00:06:05,075 --> 00:06:07,009 - It's right now. The time is now. 148 00:06:07,077 --> 00:06:08,410 - Just don't worry about it. I'm fine. 149 00:06:08,478 --> 00:06:10,446 - Hmm. - What's that over there? 150 00:06:10,513 --> 00:06:11,747 - Mm. - Holy cow. 151 00:06:11,815 --> 00:06:12,915 - Mm. - Man. 152 00:06:12,982 --> 00:06:14,383 - Wow. - That is good stuff. 153 00:06:14,451 --> 00:06:15,918 - Great, right? - Oh, my god. 154 00:06:15,985 --> 00:06:17,753 They're amazing. - They're more than amazing. 155 00:06:17,821 --> 00:06:19,221 They are terrific. 156 00:06:19,289 --> 00:06:21,223 - Terrific's not more than amazing, jerry. 157 00:06:21,291 --> 00:06:23,092 - No? Well, it's not less. 158 00:06:23,159 --> 00:06:25,561 - Everything sweetums makes is off the charts. 159 00:06:25,628 --> 00:06:27,096 I like their candy fingernails. 160 00:06:27,163 --> 00:06:28,964 - I can't believe these things are healthy. 161 00:06:29,032 --> 00:06:30,165 - Mm. - Well, it's not that crazy. 162 00:06:30,233 --> 00:06:31,967 Krackel bar is also healthy and delicious. 163 00:06:32,035 --> 00:06:34,203 - No, they're not. - Yeah. 164 00:06:34,270 --> 00:06:36,538 They--they actually have rice in them, so... 165 00:06:36,606 --> 00:06:41,777 - Mm, andy, you're fine, but you're simple. 166 00:06:41,845 --> 00:06:43,212 [muffled dance music] 167 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:45,114 ♪ ♪ 168 00:06:45,181 --> 00:06:47,749 - Who just put 100 of these in their body? 169 00:06:47,784 --> 00:06:50,719 - Annnnnnn! Oh! Look at you! 170 00:06:50,787 --> 00:06:52,354 You're looking pretty unhealthy today. 171 00:06:52,422 --> 00:06:53,422 You might need one of these. 172 00:06:53,490 --> 00:06:54,957 Nutriyum by sweetums. 173 00:06:55,024 --> 00:06:56,592 ♪ if you can't beat 'em, sweetums ♪ 174 00:06:56,659 --> 00:06:58,594 - I love that song. - Ow! 175 00:06:58,661 --> 00:07:00,295 - I got to go check my email. 176 00:07:00,363 --> 00:07:01,864 - We're gonna sell these in the park now. 177 00:07:01,931 --> 00:07:04,533 - They're healthy. - Holy god. 178 00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:06,034 No, they're not. They're terrible for you. 179 00:07:06,102 --> 00:07:07,369 - No, they're not. 180 00:07:07,437 --> 00:07:08,971 There's a picture of lance armstrong on there. 181 00:07:09,038 --> 00:07:10,172 - Yeah, but look at the ingredients. 182 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:11,874 High-fructose corn syrup, corn syrup-- 183 00:07:11,941 --> 00:07:14,276 - There's only 8 grams of fat. - Yeah. Per serving. 184 00:07:14,344 --> 00:07:15,944 A bar is four servings. 185 00:07:16,012 --> 00:07:17,346 - Well, people seem to enjoy them. 186 00:07:17,413 --> 00:07:18,847 Look how happy everybody is. 187 00:07:18,915 --> 00:07:21,150 [dance music playing loudly] 188 00:07:21,217 --> 00:07:23,018 ♪ ♪ 189 00:07:23,086 --> 00:07:25,154 - Yeah, that's a sugar rush. 190 00:07:25,221 --> 00:07:26,188 - Yeah. - Yeah. 191 00:07:26,256 --> 00:07:27,156 - That makes sense. 192 00:07:27,223 --> 00:07:28,157 - They're gonna crash soon 193 00:07:28,224 --> 00:07:29,258 And it's not gonna be pretty. 194 00:07:29,325 --> 00:07:30,492 - Yeah, I'm gonna crash soon too 195 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:31,860 'cause I've eaten, like, 40 of these. 196 00:07:31,928 --> 00:07:33,362 - Oh, god. 197 00:07:33,429 --> 00:07:35,898 Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. 198 00:07:35,965 --> 00:07:38,967 But pawnee is the fourth most obese city in america. 199 00:07:39,035 --> 00:07:40,702 The kids here are beefy. 200 00:07:40,770 --> 00:07:45,941 They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized chunk monsters. 201 00:07:46,009 --> 00:07:48,243 I call 'em like I see 'em. 202 00:07:48,311 --> 00:07:52,214 [silence] 203 00:07:52,282 --> 00:07:53,682 - Leslie. - Yeah. 204 00:07:53,750 --> 00:07:55,584 - Let's get some almonds in you, okay? 205 00:07:55,652 --> 00:07:57,252 - Okay. - Can-- 206 00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,621 - I can't open them. 207 00:07:59,689 --> 00:08:02,124 - [sprays] - oh! Back to work. 208 00:08:02,192 --> 00:08:04,126 I hate it here. This place is evil. 209 00:08:04,194 --> 00:08:05,561 - I think these are the only two films 210 00:08:05,628 --> 00:08:07,162 That say "sweetums" on the label. 211 00:08:07,230 --> 00:08:08,664 - Yeah, well, let's take them both. 212 00:08:08,731 --> 00:08:10,299 We might find something interesting. 213 00:08:10,366 --> 00:08:11,967 Here. Just--I'll stick them under my shirt. 214 00:08:12,035 --> 00:08:14,169 We'll just walk out. - They have sensors. 215 00:08:14,237 --> 00:08:15,837 Just check them out. It's free. 216 00:08:15,905 --> 00:08:19,241 - Hi, marci. - Leslie. 217 00:08:19,309 --> 00:08:21,376 Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? 218 00:08:21,444 --> 00:08:24,646 Ha. Oh, I guess not. It's a movie. 219 00:08:24,714 --> 00:08:26,248 - You're pretty cocky for someone whose job 220 00:08:26,316 --> 00:08:28,150 Is obsolete because of the internet. 221 00:08:28,218 --> 00:08:31,987 - [laughs] let's see. 222 00:08:32,055 --> 00:08:35,390 Hmm. You seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called 223 00:08:35,458 --> 00:08:37,759 [shouting] mysteries of the female orgasm! 224 00:08:37,827 --> 00:08:40,796 - No, I don't! - Yeah, you do. 225 00:08:40,863 --> 00:08:45,400 - Ann, grab the movie. Go! Go! Go! Go! 226 00:08:45,468 --> 00:08:47,369 Punk ass book jockeys! 227 00:08:47,437 --> 00:08:51,673 [alarm beeping] 228 00:08:51,741 --> 00:08:53,809 - So you guys all good 229 00:08:53,876 --> 00:08:56,011 With, uh, sweetums' concession stand deal? 230 00:08:56,079 --> 00:08:57,913 I can go ahead and sign off on it? 231 00:08:57,981 --> 00:08:59,681 - You bet ya. - Actually, no. No. 232 00:08:59,749 --> 00:09:00,983 We are worried that the energy bars 233 00:09:01,050 --> 00:09:02,784 That they're gonna sell are grossly unhealthy 234 00:09:02,852 --> 00:09:05,454 And they're misleading people about what's actually in them. 235 00:09:05,521 --> 00:09:07,589 - No. We're not worried about that. 236 00:09:07,657 --> 00:09:09,891 We're fine and we sign off. 237 00:09:09,959 --> 00:09:11,660 - Paul, can I have a sidebar with ron? 238 00:09:11,728 --> 00:09:14,363 - I guess. - Sidebar, ron. 239 00:09:14,430 --> 00:09:15,597 I did some research and nutriyums 240 00:09:15,665 --> 00:09:16,665 Are terrible for you. 241 00:09:16,733 --> 00:09:18,233 - I don't care. We're doing it. 242 00:09:18,301 --> 00:09:20,335 - Nah--ta--plee--buh-huh-- we're in a sidebar. 243 00:09:20,403 --> 00:09:22,571 Uh, do you not care about your city's health? 244 00:09:22,639 --> 00:09:23,972 - I care about the people's right 245 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:25,674 To consume whatever they want. 246 00:09:25,742 --> 00:09:28,010 - Paul, can you and I have a sidebar? 247 00:09:28,077 --> 00:09:29,511 - No. 248 00:09:29,579 --> 00:09:31,413 - Okay, I think maybe we should hold a public forum. 249 00:09:31,481 --> 00:09:32,914 That way we won't be liable. 250 00:09:32,982 --> 00:09:35,550 - There's no point. It's a homrun for the city. 251 00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:37,085 - No, I think she's right. 252 00:09:37,153 --> 00:09:39,154 It's a good "cover our ass" move. 253 00:09:39,222 --> 00:09:41,189 Let's do it. - Paul. 254 00:09:41,257 --> 00:09:42,858 Leslie, why must you stick your nose 255 00:09:42,925 --> 00:09:44,126 Into everyone else's business? 256 00:09:44,193 --> 00:09:45,661 - Sidebar, paul. 257 00:09:45,728 --> 00:09:47,596 Ron's upset because I didn't let him drive last night. 258 00:09:47,664 --> 00:09:50,499 - Stop sidebaring. 259 00:09:50,566 --> 00:09:53,001 - Somebody's grouchy. 260 00:09:54,638 --> 00:09:56,102 - You said it was just odds and ends. 261 00:09:56,102 --> 00:09:57,202 - It is. Yeah. And some furniture. 262 00:09:57,270 --> 00:09:59,114 And--and the plasma tv. 263 00:09:59,114 --> 00:10:00,514 - You haven't even folded up the boxes yet. 264 00:10:00,582 --> 00:10:05,119 - Dude, deep blue sea. Greatest movie ever made. 265 00:10:05,186 --> 00:10:07,388 - That's the canadian version. 22 extra minutes. 266 00:10:07,455 --> 00:10:08,689 And there's a bonus audio track 267 00:10:08,757 --> 00:10:10,190 Where ll cool j raps all his dialogue. 268 00:10:10,258 --> 00:10:13,627 - What? We're watching this right now. 269 00:10:13,695 --> 00:10:14,895 - No, no, no. - Pop it in. 270 00:10:14,963 --> 00:10:17,665 - We should really pack this room up and get moving. 271 00:10:17,732 --> 00:10:21,802 - So this is a really big room I need packed up, guys. 272 00:10:21,870 --> 00:10:24,471 - This is your bedroom? 273 00:10:24,539 --> 00:10:26,907 - No. It's a spare room I converted 274 00:10:26,975 --> 00:10:30,244 Into a walk-in closet/ home fitness center. 275 00:10:30,312 --> 00:10:31,745 - What is that? 276 00:10:31,813 --> 00:10:34,248 - Oh. I strapped an mp3 player 277 00:10:34,316 --> 00:10:35,683 To one of those floor-cleaning robots. 278 00:10:35,750 --> 00:10:36,884 I call him dj roomba. 279 00:10:36,951 --> 00:10:38,552 Little guy cruises around and plays music. 280 00:10:38,620 --> 00:10:39,753 What's hot, dj roomba? 281 00:10:39,821 --> 00:10:41,755 [hip-hop music] 282 00:10:41,823 --> 00:10:45,392 Dj roomba, tearing it up! 283 00:10:45,460 --> 00:10:49,563 - He likes me. [laughs] 284 00:10:49,631 --> 00:10:52,833 - Let's dance for a little while, mark. What--? 285 00:10:52,901 --> 00:10:55,969 - Nutriyums energy bars are just absolutely loaded 286 00:10:56,037 --> 00:10:58,238 With high-fructose corn syrup and fatty oils. 287 00:10:58,306 --> 00:10:59,573 And any way you slice it, 288 00:10:59,641 --> 00:11:02,443 They're just extremely unhealthy for you. 289 00:11:02,510 --> 00:11:04,078 - Leslie needs to butt out. 290 00:11:04,145 --> 00:11:06,080 The whole point of this country 291 00:11:06,147 --> 00:11:08,982 Is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, 292 00:11:09,050 --> 00:11:12,286 And die of a heart attack at 43, you can. 293 00:11:12,354 --> 00:11:16,023 You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful. 294 00:11:16,091 --> 00:11:17,958 - [exhales] any questions? 295 00:11:18,026 --> 00:11:19,493 - I--if sugar's so bad, 296 00:11:19,561 --> 00:11:21,428 How come jesus made it taste so good? 297 00:11:21,496 --> 00:11:24,531 - Uh...Yes. 298 00:11:24,599 --> 00:11:25,933 - But isn't all food bad for you? 299 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,735 I've been eating lasagna and muffins 300 00:11:27,802 --> 00:11:29,036 Every day of my life for 40 years 301 00:11:29,104 --> 00:11:30,104 And I feel terrible. 302 00:11:30,171 --> 00:11:31,638 - Right. 303 00:11:31,706 --> 00:11:32,973 - What's so bad about corn syrup? 304 00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:34,875 It's natural. Corn's a fruit. 305 00:11:34,943 --> 00:11:36,810 Syrup comes from a bush. 306 00:11:36,878 --> 00:11:38,712 - Oh, boy. 307 00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:40,581 - How do we know you're really a nurse? 308 00:11:40,648 --> 00:11:42,449 - I am. I promise. I work at st. Joe's. 309 00:11:42,517 --> 00:11:45,686 - Well, the point is my friend thinks you're cute. 310 00:11:45,754 --> 00:11:47,287 Give me your number so he can have it. 311 00:11:47,355 --> 00:11:49,390 - Yeah. That's not gonna happen. 312 00:11:49,457 --> 00:11:51,258 - Can I have your email address? I just got on aol. 313 00:11:51,326 --> 00:11:52,559 - Oh, my god. No. 314 00:11:52,627 --> 00:11:54,061 - I think we ought to throw those bars out 315 00:11:54,129 --> 00:11:55,929 And eat ham and mayonnaise sandwiches. 316 00:11:55,997 --> 00:11:57,664 - That's not a good idea. - Ham and mayonnaise! 317 00:11:57,732 --> 00:11:58,999 - It's not-- - ham and mayonnaise! 318 00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,234 - No, no, no. 319 00:12:00,301 --> 00:12:03,237 [people chanting "ham and mayonnaise"] 320 00:12:03,304 --> 00:12:05,172 - Oh, god, I can't believe you do this every week. 321 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:06,440 - I'm actually encouraged. 322 00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:08,409 The questions were more relevant than usual. 323 00:12:08,476 --> 00:12:10,611 - Yeah, I need to order the brown timberlands 324 00:12:10,678 --> 00:12:12,646 In a size 8, narrow. 325 00:12:12,714 --> 00:12:15,416 How much is the next-day shipping? 326 00:12:15,483 --> 00:12:17,151 I don't-- what's two-day shipping? 327 00:12:17,218 --> 00:12:20,821 Yeah, I'd like to place an order for one pad thai, chicken. 328 00:12:20,889 --> 00:12:22,823 And, uh, no scallions on it, please. 329 00:12:22,891 --> 00:12:25,159 Just for one person. Yeah, just one. 330 00:12:25,226 --> 00:12:27,928 Man, I saw mark carrying, like, three boxes. 331 00:12:27,996 --> 00:12:29,129 That dude is strong. 332 00:12:29,197 --> 00:12:31,832 - Whatever. I'll carry five boxes. 333 00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:35,502 - Go get 'em, champ. 334 00:12:35,570 --> 00:12:37,504 - Okay, donna, where do you want this? 335 00:12:37,572 --> 00:12:39,273 - Uh-uh, that's it. 336 00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:41,341 My baby has a delicate suspension. 337 00:12:41,409 --> 00:12:43,610 - Are you kidding me? - No, I'm not. Move. 338 00:12:43,678 --> 00:12:44,945 - Put it in your truck, brendanawicz. 339 00:12:45,013 --> 00:12:49,116 There's plenty of room. 340 00:12:49,184 --> 00:12:53,220 - Hey! Ee! Ah! My pocket squares! 341 00:12:53,288 --> 00:12:54,388 [dog barking] 342 00:12:54,456 --> 00:12:55,456 - Sorry, shoelace, 343 00:12:55,523 --> 00:12:58,192 We don't make nutriyums for dogs...Yet. 344 00:12:58,259 --> 00:13:00,928 - Nutriyums, where nutritious meets tasty. 345 00:13:00,995 --> 00:13:02,663 By sweetums. 346 00:13:02,730 --> 00:13:04,031 - I guess that about says it all. 347 00:13:04,098 --> 00:13:05,666 - No, it doesn't, actually. 348 00:13:05,733 --> 00:13:07,334 I think we should watch another video right now. 349 00:13:07,402 --> 00:13:10,170 One that your company made 30 years ago. 350 00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:15,442 - I'm nick newport, president of sweetums, 351 00:13:15,510 --> 00:13:18,479 Giving you a look inside our corn syrup factory. 352 00:13:18,546 --> 00:13:21,715 This is all-new high-fructose corn syrup, 353 00:13:21,783 --> 00:13:23,784 A miracle product that's sweeter than sugar, 354 00:13:23,852 --> 00:13:25,953 But cheaper to produce. 355 00:13:26,020 --> 00:13:28,455 Cheap, delicious, sugary corn 356 00:13:28,523 --> 00:13:30,691 Is currently being used by farms 357 00:13:30,758 --> 00:13:32,559 To fatten up their cows and pigs. 358 00:13:32,627 --> 00:13:34,895 Look how fat those cows are! 359 00:13:34,963 --> 00:13:37,831 Fat, happy, and docile. 360 00:13:37,899 --> 00:13:40,033 The way we like 'em. 361 00:13:40,101 --> 00:13:41,702 - [clears throat] 362 00:13:41,769 --> 00:13:44,204 So you still want to claim that corn syrup is healthy? 363 00:13:44,272 --> 00:13:46,840 - Corn syrup is natural and it's fine in moderation. 364 00:13:46,908 --> 00:13:48,675 But don't take my word for it. 365 00:13:48,743 --> 00:13:51,778 Ladies and gentlemen, mr. Nick newport, jr.! 366 00:13:51,846 --> 00:13:53,780 [cheers and applause] 367 00:13:53,848 --> 00:13:56,149 - Hey, guy. Hey, how you doing? 368 00:13:56,217 --> 00:14:00,621 How you doing? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 369 00:14:00,688 --> 00:14:03,257 - My kids, denver and dakota! 370 00:14:03,324 --> 00:14:06,260 [cheers and applause] 371 00:14:10,331 --> 00:14:11,665 - Ah! - [giggling] 372 00:14:11,733 --> 00:14:15,302 - I just want to get a-- ah, that's good hose water. 373 00:14:15,370 --> 00:14:16,703 - Hey. - Don't get my shoes. 374 00:14:16,771 --> 00:14:18,872 Hey, what's up, guys. You come to help tom move too? 375 00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:21,041 Too late! We already almost got all of it. 376 00:14:21,109 --> 00:14:23,043 - No. We just thought it'd be funny 377 00:14:23,111 --> 00:14:24,711 To see April doing physical labor. 378 00:14:24,779 --> 00:14:26,747 - [snickers] ah. 379 00:14:26,814 --> 00:14:28,115 It's been an awesome moving day. 380 00:14:28,182 --> 00:14:30,918 I got the little robot to play dave matthews. 381 00:14:30,985 --> 00:14:32,252 ♪ oh, little baby ♪ 382 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:35,088 - What's he talking about? - Dj roomba. 383 00:14:35,156 --> 00:14:36,957 - What? - All right. 384 00:14:37,025 --> 00:14:39,092 Back to the grindstone. 385 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,395 Awesome seeing you, dudes. - See ya. 386 00:14:41,462 --> 00:14:45,265 - Later, bro. - Ha ha! 387 00:14:45,333 --> 00:14:48,101 - Hi. - Hi. 388 00:14:48,169 --> 00:14:52,940 - God, this is so weird. It's like, end of an era, huh? 389 00:14:53,007 --> 00:14:54,808 It's kinda sad. 390 00:14:54,876 --> 00:14:56,944 - Eh, we'll still be friends. - Yeah. 391 00:14:57,011 --> 00:14:58,779 Well, hey, you guys must be starving. 392 00:14:58,846 --> 00:15:00,380 You want me to order you a pizza or something? 393 00:15:00,448 --> 00:15:01,782 - Oh, that'd be great. Yeah. - Okay. 394 00:15:01,849 --> 00:15:03,483 - Why don't you get some canadian bacon on it 395 00:15:03,551 --> 00:15:04,885 Since you're from canada... - Mm-hmm. 396 00:15:04,953 --> 00:15:07,187 - And sausage 'cause I am brown and spicy. 397 00:15:07,255 --> 00:15:09,656 - [laughs] okay. All right. 398 00:15:09,724 --> 00:15:13,927 Well, I will, um, see you around, I guess, right? 399 00:15:13,995 --> 00:15:17,864 - Yeah. I'm around. - I'll see you around. 400 00:15:17,932 --> 00:15:19,366 [chuckles] - bye. 401 00:15:19,434 --> 00:15:24,271 - Bye. 402 00:15:24,339 --> 00:15:28,008 - Wow. Mr. Newport, jr., thank you so much for coming. 403 00:15:28,076 --> 00:15:30,177 But don't you think that every person 404 00:15:30,244 --> 00:15:31,845 Has the right to know what they're putting 405 00:15:31,913 --> 00:15:32,980 In their bodies? 406 00:15:33,047 --> 00:15:34,615 Right, everybody? - Is shoelace here? 407 00:15:34,682 --> 00:15:36,249 Where's shoelace? 408 00:15:36,317 --> 00:15:37,317 - Shoelace couldn't make it. 409 00:15:37,385 --> 00:15:39,052 But I do agree with this nice lady. 410 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,222 That's why I say we should let the people be the judge. 411 00:15:42,290 --> 00:15:43,323 Denver. 412 00:15:43,391 --> 00:15:45,659 - Everybody, check under your seats! 413 00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:49,262 [gasps and cheers] 414 00:15:49,330 --> 00:15:53,467 [whistling and applause] 415 00:15:56,037 --> 00:15:58,572 - Denver, you little son of a bitch. 416 00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:06,397 [hip-hop playing] - mm. 417 00:16:07,227 --> 00:16:09,862 There's no pizza left? - Sorry, jer. Too slow. 418 00:16:09,930 --> 00:16:11,731 - You want my crusts? Here. Take this. 419 00:16:11,798 --> 00:16:15,067 - Nobody even told me the pizza was here. 420 00:16:15,135 --> 00:16:16,102 [crash] 421 00:16:16,169 --> 00:16:18,738 - Jerry! You stepped on dj roomba! 422 00:16:18,805 --> 00:16:21,107 Agh! - That was an accident. 423 00:16:21,174 --> 00:16:23,275 - You killed him. I built him myself. 424 00:16:23,343 --> 00:16:25,311 He was like a son to me. 425 00:16:25,379 --> 00:16:27,546 - Okay. Time to vote. 426 00:16:27,614 --> 00:16:30,216 All those who would like the bloated corpse 427 00:16:30,283 --> 00:16:31,650 Of the government to keep running 428 00:16:31,718 --> 00:16:34,720 The snack bars at taxpayer expense, 429 00:16:34,788 --> 00:16:36,122 Raise your hands. 430 00:16:36,189 --> 00:16:38,357 - That seems like an unfair phrasing. 431 00:16:38,425 --> 00:16:40,559 And all those in favor 432 00:16:40,627 --> 00:16:42,995 Of letting this heartless corporation, sweetums, 433 00:16:43,063 --> 00:16:44,797 Stuff your children with sugary crap, 434 00:16:44,865 --> 00:16:46,031 Raise your hand. 435 00:16:46,099 --> 00:16:49,668 - [laughs] thank you, everybody. 436 00:16:49,736 --> 00:16:52,304 - Ugh. I can't believe this. 437 00:16:52,372 --> 00:16:53,973 - You know what, we did our job. 438 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:58,043 We informed the public. That's all we can do. 439 00:16:58,111 --> 00:16:59,779 - I'm sorry, man, there's nothing I can do. 440 00:16:59,846 --> 00:17:01,180 - [sighs] are you serious? 441 00:17:01,248 --> 00:17:03,549 - Look, we'll get it fixed and I'll see you Monday. 442 00:17:03,617 --> 00:17:06,051 - I just got off the phone with my new landlord. 443 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:08,521 Apparently there's been some sort of gas leak 444 00:17:08,588 --> 00:17:12,458 And I can't move into my place until Monday now. 445 00:17:12,526 --> 00:17:14,193 - Are you telling us we have to unload this 446 00:17:14,261 --> 00:17:15,261 And move it back in the house? 447 00:17:15,328 --> 00:17:16,729 - No. I can't put it there. 448 00:17:16,797 --> 00:17:18,597 I promised wendy I'd be out of here tonight. 449 00:17:18,665 --> 00:17:22,635 Um...I got it! 450 00:17:22,702 --> 00:17:24,236 Everybody go home. 451 00:17:24,304 --> 00:17:26,539 Pack away my stuff in your own houses. 452 00:17:26,606 --> 00:17:29,175 Then on Monday, pack it back up, 453 00:17:29,242 --> 00:17:31,610 Meet me at my new place, unload it there. 454 00:17:33,780 --> 00:17:37,583 - [sighs] come on, guys. 455 00:17:37,651 --> 00:17:40,453 - See ya, tom. - Bye. 456 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:42,488 - Later. 457 00:17:42,556 --> 00:17:44,890 - Hey, bro, want to go get our grub on? 458 00:17:44,958 --> 00:17:46,859 - Totes, bra. Wings and brews. 459 00:17:46,927 --> 00:17:48,194 - Why are you guys talking like that? 460 00:17:48,261 --> 00:17:51,063 - Just chillaxin' like your new bro andy. 461 00:17:51,131 --> 00:17:52,731 - Yeah. Want to play some hacky sack later? 462 00:17:52,799 --> 00:17:54,767 Maybe, uh, listen to blues traveler? 463 00:17:54,835 --> 00:17:57,236 - Okay. I'm leaving. - We're just kidding. 464 00:17:57,304 --> 00:17:59,405 Let's go to dinner. - I'm not hungry. 465 00:17:59,473 --> 00:18:01,106 And you guys aren't being funny. 466 00:18:01,174 --> 00:18:02,174 - Why are you being weird? 467 00:18:02,242 --> 00:18:03,309 We make fun of people like that. 468 00:18:03,376 --> 00:18:05,911 That's what we do. 469 00:18:05,979 --> 00:18:10,382 - You know, for a gay couple, you guys are being really gay. 470 00:18:10,450 --> 00:18:11,984 - I said "of course I remember you. 471 00:18:12,052 --> 00:18:13,319 You're chastity, right?" 472 00:18:13,386 --> 00:18:15,154 [laughter] 473 00:18:15,222 --> 00:18:18,190 - Leslie. Even though I didn't invite you, 474 00:18:18,258 --> 00:18:19,558 You came here anyway. 475 00:18:19,626 --> 00:18:22,328 I-I respect that because you made a choice 476 00:18:22,395 --> 00:18:24,063 As a free american. 477 00:18:24,130 --> 00:18:25,564 - What are you eating? 478 00:18:25,632 --> 00:18:27,900 - I call this "turf and turf." 479 00:18:27,968 --> 00:18:28,968 It's a 16-ounce t-bone 480 00:18:29,035 --> 00:18:30,970 And a 24-ounce porterhouse. 481 00:18:31,037 --> 00:18:33,906 Also whiskey and a cigar. 482 00:18:33,974 --> 00:18:36,308 I'm gonna consume all of this at the same time 483 00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:38,310 Because I am a free american. 484 00:18:38,378 --> 00:18:41,780 - No cigars inside, sir. - Fine. 485 00:18:41,848 --> 00:18:43,949 I will smoke the entire thing outside. 486 00:18:44,017 --> 00:18:47,119 Even though it is bad for me, I am going to do it. 487 00:18:47,187 --> 00:18:49,388 - Why is he being such an ass? 488 00:18:49,456 --> 00:18:52,458 - Oh, it's a long story. - Yaah! 489 00:18:52,526 --> 00:18:54,293 It's freezing outside. 490 00:18:54,361 --> 00:18:56,228 So I will not be smoking this cigar. 491 00:18:56,296 --> 00:18:59,231 But rest assured, I could if I wanted to because this-- 492 00:18:59,299 --> 00:19:01,367 - This is america, right? Is it? 493 00:19:01,434 --> 00:19:03,636 May I speak with you, please? 494 00:19:03,703 --> 00:19:06,805 Look, I don't know if you're being a jerk on purpose 495 00:19:06,873 --> 00:19:08,841 Just to prove you have the right to be a jerk, 496 00:19:08,909 --> 00:19:10,242 But either way, you're being a jerk. 497 00:19:10,310 --> 00:19:12,578 So here, take the booze chart. 498 00:19:12,646 --> 00:19:13,913 - You kidding me? - No. 499 00:19:13,980 --> 00:19:15,681 If you're gonna drink, you should use it, okay? 500 00:19:15,749 --> 00:19:17,583 I'm gonna head out. 501 00:19:17,651 --> 00:19:19,852 By the way, maybe it's none of my business, 502 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,121 But if you eat three pounds of steak every day, 503 00:19:22,188 --> 00:19:23,689 You're gonna die. 504 00:19:23,757 --> 00:19:26,358 And although I've already written your eulogy, 505 00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:28,427 And it's incredibly touching, 506 00:19:28,495 --> 00:19:31,997 I would prefer not to give it for a while. 507 00:19:32,065 --> 00:19:33,899 The first line, by the way, 508 00:19:33,967 --> 00:19:38,637 "o captain! My captain! Ron swanson, a swan song." 509 00:19:38,705 --> 00:19:43,008 Yeah. And it gets better from there! 510 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,783 - April. April. 511 00:19:50,850 --> 00:19:51,951 You want to watch me rollerblade 512 00:19:52,018 --> 00:19:53,285 In the parking lot after work? 513 00:19:53,353 --> 00:19:55,187 I'm pretty awesome. I used to be really good. 514 00:19:55,255 --> 00:19:56,956 That was, like, 70 pounds ago. 515 00:19:57,023 --> 00:19:59,758 - I can't. I'm kind of busy. 516 00:19:59,826 --> 00:20:03,128 - Aw, that's lame. Tomorrow. 517 00:20:03,196 --> 00:20:08,267 - Maybe. I don't know. 518 00:20:08,335 --> 00:20:10,569 - Okay. Bye. 519 00:20:10,637 --> 00:20:13,238 Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! 520 00:20:13,306 --> 00:20:17,743 Just kidding. I don't fall. Hee-hee. 521 00:20:19,479 --> 00:20:21,880 - I, uh... 522 00:20:23,083 --> 00:20:24,516 What are you eating? 523 00:20:24,584 --> 00:20:25,884 - I didn't have time to have breakfast. 524 00:20:25,952 --> 00:20:28,487 - I'm gonna toss these in the dumpster outside 525 00:20:28,555 --> 00:20:31,957 And I don't want to see you digging around in there later. 526 00:20:36,162 --> 00:20:40,866 I am sorry. I have been a horse's ass. 527 00:20:42,268 --> 00:20:43,936 And... 528 00:20:44,004 --> 00:20:46,038 That is the end of what I have to say. 529 00:20:46,106 --> 00:20:47,873 - Apology accepted. 530 00:20:52,145 --> 00:20:56,081 Put a coat on, it's freezing outside. 531 00:20:56,081 --> 00:20:58,081 Sync by l3ob@yyets www.addic7ed.com 532 00:21:00,437 --> 00:21:02,772 - [mimicking spooky voice] jerry. 533 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:07,176 Jerry! 534 00:21:07,244 --> 00:21:11,914 This is the ghost of dj roomba. 535 00:21:11,982 --> 00:21:14,050 Why did you kill me? 536 00:21:14,117 --> 00:21:16,719 I'm gonna haunt you, jerry. 537 00:21:16,787 --> 00:21:19,622 I'm gonna follow you and play the black eyed peas 538 00:21:19,690 --> 00:21:21,591 On a nonstop loop. 539 00:21:21,658 --> 00:21:23,826 - * let's burn the roof * 540 00:21:23,894 --> 00:21:26,195 - * and then we'll do it again * 541 00:21:26,263 --> 00:21:27,396 - * let's do it * 542 00:21:27,464 --> 00:21:28,798 ♪ let's do it, let's do it ♪