1
00:00:02,620 --> 00:00:05,487
Okay, everybody.
Time for the hummingbird lottery.
2
00:00:06,658 --> 00:00:10,287
Okay. You know how it works.
Write your name down on a piece of paper.
3
00:00:10,462 --> 00:00:11,895
No, they don't
win a hummingbird.
4
00:00:12,097 --> 00:00:14,725
I installed hummingbird
feeders in all the parks,
5
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:18,299
so the winner gets to
refill those feeders.
6
00:00:18,503 --> 00:00:21,904
Scientifically, hummingbirds are
the world's cutest animals.
7
00:00:21,973 --> 00:00:25,272
I mean, they're so small.
And they have tiny beaks.
8
00:00:25,343 --> 00:00:29,143
And they only eat sugar water.
I mean, what beats that?
9
00:00:29,214 --> 00:00:34,675
Come on. Baby monkeys in diapers?
Yeah. They do.
10
00:00:34,753 --> 00:00:36,414
Baby monkeys in diapers
are the cutest.
11
00:00:36,755 --> 00:00:37,813
Okay. Who's it going to be?
12
00:00:37,889 --> 00:00:38,913
Not me.
13
00:00:38,990 --> 00:00:40,014
Not me.
Not me. Not me.
14
00:00:40,091 --> 00:00:41,820
Jerry.
Yeah!
15
00:00:41,993 --> 00:00:43,984
You can stop by tomorrow
morning before work.
16
00:00:44,062 --> 00:00:46,087
This is my third time
in a row.
17
00:00:46,164 --> 00:00:47,188
Just a bad luck
streak, buddy.
18
00:00:47,265 --> 00:00:49,233
Next time, I'm sure it will
definitely be one of us.
19
00:00:49,501 --> 00:00:52,868
But it won't be me.
Because I always write...
20
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:56,464
Yeah.
21
00:00:56,674 --> 00:00:57,698
Yep.
22
00:00:57,776 --> 00:01:00,176
No, I always
write my own name.
23
00:01:00,245 --> 00:01:05,945
But just to be safe,
I do add 20 extra "Jerry"s.
24
00:01:26,805 --> 00:01:30,138
And finally, we are going to kick off the
Children's Concert Series this weekend
25
00:01:30,208 --> 00:01:32,676
with a performance
by Freddy Spaghetti.
26
00:01:32,844 --> 00:01:34,243
I thought Freddy
Spaghetti OD'd.
27
00:01:34,312 --> 00:01:37,475
No. That's Mr. Funny Noodle.
And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.
28
00:01:37,549 --> 00:01:38,538
Oh.
29
00:01:38,616 --> 00:01:40,607
Where is Jerry, by the way?
Why isn't he back?
30
00:01:40,685 --> 00:01:42,312
How long does it take
to fill bird feeders?
31
00:01:42,387 --> 00:01:43,945
Maybe he fell
into the toilet.
32
00:01:44,022 --> 00:01:45,319
Remember when he
fell into the toilet?
33
00:01:46,491 --> 00:01:48,083
"Oh, sorry, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
34
00:01:48,159 --> 00:01:49,592
"I got confused
and took a shower,
35
00:01:49,661 --> 00:01:51,424
"after I got dressed,
because I'm Jerry."
36
00:01:52,831 --> 00:01:56,790
David Meyers, the Jewish guy
who works at City Hall,
37
00:01:56,868 --> 00:01:58,130
once told me something.
38
00:01:58,203 --> 00:02:03,163
A "schlemiel" is the guy who
spills soup at a fancy party.
39
00:02:03,241 --> 00:02:06,642
A "schlimazel" is
the guy he spills it on.
40
00:02:06,811 --> 00:02:11,874
Jerry is both the "schlemiel" and
the "schlimazel" of our office.
41
00:02:12,750 --> 00:02:15,878
"And then I put my underwear on
my head instead of my butt."
42
00:02:17,822 --> 00:02:19,790
Okay. Okay, guys.
That's enough.
43
00:02:20,358 --> 00:02:21,882
Unless somebody
has another good one.
44
00:02:24,362 --> 00:02:25,590
Oh.
45
00:02:26,397 --> 00:02:27,591
Hi, Ann.
46
00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:29,489
Oh, no.
47
00:02:29,934 --> 00:02:32,164
Jerry. Jerry, are you okay?
Ann, is Jerry okay?
48
00:02:32,237 --> 00:02:34,603
What's wrong with your arm?
Ann, tell me what's wrong with Jerry's arm.
49
00:02:34,672 --> 00:02:36,503
Jerry, talk to me.
Ann, get Jerry to talk to me.
50
00:02:36,574 --> 00:02:38,007
Okay. He's okay.
51
00:02:38,076 --> 00:02:40,909
He's got a couple of scrapes
and a dislocated shoulder.
52
00:02:40,979 --> 00:02:42,207
Oh!
What happened?
53
00:02:42,447 --> 00:02:43,937
You guys are just
going to laugh.
54
00:02:44,015 --> 00:02:45,414
Why? Did you throw
out your shoulder
55
00:02:45,483 --> 00:02:47,451
trying to swing a honey pot
off your hand?
56
00:02:47,519 --> 00:02:49,214
I was mugged.
Oh.
57
00:02:49,721 --> 00:02:52,212
Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Jerry.
58
00:02:52,457 --> 00:02:54,152
I was on my way
to the hummingbird feeders
59
00:02:54,225 --> 00:02:55,715
and I was
walking Lord Sheldon.
60
00:02:55,793 --> 00:02:56,817
Ew!
61
00:02:56,895 --> 00:02:59,090
Is that code for some
kind of weird sex act?
62
00:02:59,330 --> 00:03:01,560
Lord Sheldon is my dog.
My wife named him.
63
00:03:01,633 --> 00:03:02,657
Ew!
64
00:03:02,734 --> 00:03:04,258
Anyway, these kids,
they came out of nowhere,
65
00:03:04,335 --> 00:03:06,633
they pinned my arm back,
they grabbed my wallet,
66
00:03:06,704 --> 00:03:07,932
and they knocked
me to the ground.
67
00:03:08,006 --> 00:03:10,566
How did you counter-attack?
Fist to the throat?
68
00:03:10,642 --> 00:03:12,007
Did you hit him
in the beanbag?
69
00:03:12,076 --> 00:03:14,738
There's no shame in attacking
a criminal's beanbag.
70
00:03:14,812 --> 00:03:17,110
No, I just curled up and
laid still until they left.
71
00:03:18,383 --> 00:03:20,544
Well, that's
another way to play it.
72
00:03:20,618 --> 00:03:23,280
Did any of them have weird
tattoos or scars or anything?
73
00:03:23,354 --> 00:03:26,255
If even one of them had a
unique scar, we got them.
74
00:03:26,958 --> 00:03:27,982
I didn't get a good look.
75
00:03:28,126 --> 00:03:32,187
Damn it, Jerry. Sorry.
You're the victim. Sorry. Sorry.
76
00:03:32,564 --> 00:03:35,328
I feel like
we're responsible for this.
77
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,196
Why? We didn't mug Jerry.
78
00:03:37,267 --> 00:03:39,701
Well, why was he in the park
in the first place?
79
00:03:39,770 --> 00:03:41,931
Because we tricked him into going there.
I don't see the connection.
80
00:03:42,005 --> 00:03:44,633
I don't know.
This is on us. It's karma.
81
00:03:44,708 --> 00:03:46,573
Wouldn't it be karma if we
were the ones that got mugged?
82
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:47,940
Yeah. That's how
pathetic Jerry is.
83
00:03:48,011 --> 00:03:49,239
He can't even
get karma right.
84
00:03:51,048 --> 00:03:52,242
No, that's not funny.
85
00:03:55,552 --> 00:03:57,417
Our friend got
mugged this morning.
86
00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:59,045
And we will not let
that happen in vain.
87
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:00,316
He doesn't have
a black eye.
88
00:04:00,390 --> 00:04:02,915
Well, frankly, the whole
department has a black eye.
89
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:04,585
This is our
wake-up call, guys.
90
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,424
Jerry's face
is the symbol of failure.
91
00:04:08,232 --> 00:04:10,063
Our failure to
keep the parks safe.
92
00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:12,859
I have some folders.
Inside are some assignments.
93
00:04:12,936 --> 00:04:15,268
And some homemade taffy.
94
00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:17,136
Mmm.
Mmm-hmm.
95
00:04:17,207 --> 00:04:19,937
April, I want you to check
in with our police liaison.
96
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:22,808
Donna, I need you to go to Ramsett Park.
Tom, you're with me.
97
00:04:22,913 --> 00:04:26,110
So, when you say that you want me to
check in with the police liaison,
98
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,844
you mean hook up
with him, right?
99
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:31,078
No. Just check in with him.
Everybody dismissed.
100
00:04:31,255 --> 00:04:32,779
Wait. I want to help.
101
00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:33,948
What?
102
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:37,755
I'm going to teach everybody self-defense,
so you can defend yourselves.
103
00:04:37,828 --> 00:04:40,854
We need it. Because we certainly
are a bunch of weaklings.
104
00:04:40,931 --> 00:04:43,229
Especially Tom.
I am not a weakling.
105
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:44,460
Arm wrestle me right now.
106
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:45,626
Okay.
107
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,566
I think I'm more than
holding my own here...
108
00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:52,668
Three, four, five...
109
00:04:52,743 --> 00:04:53,801
Hey.
110
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,742
Six. Hey!
How you doing?
111
00:04:58,815 --> 00:04:59,873
Not too bad.
112
00:04:59,950 --> 00:05:02,009
I was just dropping off
Jerry from the hospital.
113
00:05:02,085 --> 00:05:03,245
He was mugged in the park.
114
00:05:03,453 --> 00:05:05,318
No. Jerry?
115
00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:08,017
The black guy with the Looney Tunes ties?
I love him.
116
00:05:08,091 --> 00:05:10,218
No. Jerry who works
with Leslie.
117
00:05:10,494 --> 00:05:12,655
That Jerry? Yeah.
118
00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:14,594
He got mugged?
119
00:05:15,265 --> 00:05:17,859
Oh. Well, I mean, that's
kind of a bummer, too.
120
00:05:17,934 --> 00:05:20,528
Hey, while I have you here,
what do you think of this?
121
00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:22,429
Uh...
122
00:05:22,506 --> 00:05:24,098
Scrotation Marks.
123
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:27,108
I don't know what you're talking
about, but my gut says no.
124
00:05:27,377 --> 00:05:28,571
New band name.
125
00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:31,372
Because "Mouse Rat,"
it's a great name,
126
00:05:31,448 --> 00:05:34,008
but at the same time,
it sucks.
127
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,177
So, I think we have to change
it just one more time...
128
00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:38,244
Dude, you've got
to stop doing that.
129
00:05:38,322 --> 00:05:40,756
How are people going to become
fans if they literally don't know
130
00:05:40,824 --> 00:05:42,121
the name of the band
they're listening to?
131
00:05:43,226 --> 00:05:44,215
That is a really good point.
132
00:05:44,961 --> 00:05:47,293
I always had fun with Andy.
133
00:05:47,364 --> 00:05:50,492
The problem is, when you're his
girlfriend, you're also his mother,
134
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:53,263
and his maid and his nurse.
135
00:05:53,337 --> 00:05:57,433
He's completely helpless.
He's like a baby in a straightjacket.
136
00:05:57,507 --> 00:06:00,203
Ooh! "Baby in a Straightjacket.
" That's a good band name.
137
00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:01,835
I should tell him that.
138
00:06:02,546 --> 00:06:05,071
Ha-ha, guys. Really funny.
Where's the real banner?
139
00:06:05,148 --> 00:06:06,206
We only had an hour.
140
00:06:06,416 --> 00:06:08,247
So did I. Look what I did.
141
00:06:09,186 --> 00:06:10,210
Hey, guys.
142
00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:11,311
Jerry!
143
00:06:11,521 --> 00:06:12,886
Welcome back.
144
00:06:14,057 --> 00:06:16,355
Really. My gosh, you should not
have gone to all this trouble.
145
00:06:16,493 --> 00:06:19,621
Oh. It's no trouble for our buddy.
Here you go.
146
00:06:19,763 --> 00:06:22,664
Listen. Today is Jerry Day.
We'll do whatever you want to do.
147
00:06:22,733 --> 00:06:23,722
Anything at all.
148
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,258
Honestly, what I would like to do is
just have everything go back to normal.
149
00:06:27,337 --> 00:06:28,804
That sounds good to me.
Okay.
150
00:06:28,872 --> 00:06:31,170
I believe you were going
to do a presentation.
151
00:06:31,241 --> 00:06:32,731
Yes, sir, I was.
I will go set up.
152
00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:33,901
Okay.
153
00:06:35,445 --> 00:06:39,779
Remember, you guys. No jokes.
No comments. Nothing but support.
154
00:06:39,850 --> 00:06:41,283
He needs a lot
of support.
155
00:06:41,351 --> 00:06:42,409
Tom.
156
00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:43,976
Talking about
a bra for a man.
157
00:06:46,256 --> 00:06:48,588
Okay, seriously.
That was the last one.
158
00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:51,817
So, as we know, Spring
Hunting Season is upon us.
159
00:06:53,363 --> 00:06:57,925
Uh, anyway, here's the info
about the new licensing system.
160
00:06:58,301 --> 00:06:59,325
Um...
161
00:06:59,403 --> 00:07:02,668
Jerry? I don't...
I don't think your computer is plugged in.
162
00:07:02,939 --> 00:07:05,305
I'm sorry, guys.
Just got to power up.
163
00:07:05,375 --> 00:07:10,005
First thing we should have is my
graph about the season. What?
164
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,378
Wait a minute. No.
That is not the graph.
165
00:07:12,449 --> 00:07:14,713
That's a picture from
my vacation to Muncie.
166
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:17,911
You went on a vacation and
you chose Muncie, Indiana?
167
00:07:18,121 --> 00:07:19,782
Yeah. My wife and I
have a time-share.
168
00:07:20,624 --> 00:07:21,784
In Muncie?
169
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,951
Tom, Muncie
is a lovely city.
170
00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:28,189
Anyway, Hunting and Fishing
Season is winding down. Okay?
171
00:07:28,265 --> 00:07:31,962
And we all know that it's already
closed season on "twout." So, now...
172
00:07:33,103 --> 00:07:35,537
I said "twout"
instead of "trout."
173
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:37,138
It happens to everyone.
174
00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:39,342
My marbles are full of mouth today.
175
00:07:40,110 --> 00:07:42,510
You know what?
Has anybody seen my glasses?
176
00:07:42,579 --> 00:07:44,342
I don't even think I can...
177
00:07:52,989 --> 00:07:55,219
It says here "1:00 meeting.
" And who are we meeting with?
178
00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:56,381
Don't worry about it.
179
00:07:56,460 --> 00:07:57,688
Oh, no. Please, no.
180
00:07:57,761 --> 00:08:00,093
Tom, it's important to meet
with the Park Rangers.
181
00:08:00,163 --> 00:08:02,063
They are the first
line of defense.
182
00:08:02,666 --> 00:08:04,190
Leslie Knope!
183
00:08:05,602 --> 00:08:07,832
Hey, Carl.
What's up, pencil pushers?
184
00:08:08,038 --> 00:08:09,903
Haverford.
Good to see you, man.
185
00:08:11,174 --> 00:08:14,109
Is it hot in here? I feel hot.
Are you guys hot?
186
00:08:14,177 --> 00:08:17,112
How you guys doing? I'm good.
You guys got any snacks?
187
00:08:17,848 --> 00:08:20,373
Carl is the head
of all outdoor security.
188
00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:23,180
Why was he transferred from
his indoor desk job, you ask.
189
00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:24,481
Listen.
190
00:08:24,554 --> 00:08:28,490
Hey, Leslie. Have you seen Avatar?
I never saw Avatar.
191
00:08:28,558 --> 00:08:30,458
I wanted to read
the book first,
192
00:08:30,527 --> 00:08:33,428
but then I realized there's no
book version of Avatar.
193
00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:35,993
What did you guys do
for St. Patty's Day?
194
00:08:36,066 --> 00:08:39,035
I was wearing this t-shirt that
said "Kiss me, I'm Irish."
195
00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:40,660
But no one would kiss me.
196
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:48,066
So. You're too important for me until
one of your own gets attacked.
197
00:08:48,478 --> 00:08:52,471
I just feel like there's more we
can do to keep the parks safe.
198
00:08:52,549 --> 00:08:54,813
Oh, you think you know
how to do my job?
199
00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:59,684
Well, you might not be so confident once
you've walked a mile in my size sevens.
200
00:09:00,323 --> 00:09:01,381
Kind of small feet.
201
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,221
Actually, seven is
the worldwide average.
202
00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:04,385
Boom!
203
00:09:06,696 --> 00:09:09,597
Welcome to the emergency
self-defense class.
204
00:09:09,666 --> 00:09:13,227
I'll be showing you how to escape
from a variety of situations,
205
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:16,363
while inflicting maximum
damage on your attackers.
206
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,370
Ron, do you think that maybe I
should put Mark in a headlock?
207
00:09:19,442 --> 00:09:22,343
That way, I can show everyone
how to escape a pervert?
208
00:09:23,079 --> 00:09:26,071
In the scenario you just laid
out, you're the pervert.
209
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,446
You understand that,
right?
210
00:09:27,517 --> 00:09:29,951
You wish.
Enough.
211
00:09:30,020 --> 00:09:32,147
I'm going to start off
simple, and demonstrate
212
00:09:32,222 --> 00:09:35,749
how to extract oneself
from a wrist grab.
213
00:09:36,059 --> 00:09:38,755
Andy. Ann. Step up here.
214
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:41,592
I watch a lot of Lifetime movies.
There was this one,
215
00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:45,499
How Far is Too Far Enough: The
Teri Palliber Lonergan Story.
216
00:09:45,569 --> 00:09:48,504
This woman had agoraphobia and her
therapist was obsessed with her,
217
00:09:48,572 --> 00:09:49,732
and he hid in her house.
218
00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:52,775
And then he attacked her
and tried to eat her toes.
219
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:55,037
Also, her daughter was
having sex way too young.
220
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:59,246
So, yeah. Free self-defense class?
I'm there.
221
00:10:00,650 --> 00:10:02,811
And then just twist away.
222
00:10:02,886 --> 00:10:04,820
Very good.
Very good. Well done.
223
00:10:04,888 --> 00:10:06,856
Oh! What's up now, mugger?
224
00:10:06,923 --> 00:10:09,824
Ann, that was awesome.
That was really good.
225
00:10:11,428 --> 00:10:13,919
I don't know, Leslie.
I'd rather be back at the office.
226
00:10:14,164 --> 00:10:17,691
I know this is painful for you,
Jerry, but you have to be strong.
227
00:10:19,135 --> 00:10:20,466
You guys ready?
228
00:10:21,471 --> 00:10:23,803
Oh, boy. Yeah, okay.
We're ready.
229
00:10:24,507 --> 00:10:27,305
I'm going to show you guys all
the problems we've been facing.
230
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:29,504
I'm going to show you that we've
been doing everything we can.
231
00:10:29,579 --> 00:10:31,513
Well, I'm looking forward
to working together, Carl.
232
00:10:31,581 --> 00:10:34,516
And after that, I'm going to
show you this log I found.
233
00:10:34,584 --> 00:10:38,918
It's got, like, fifty worms on it.
I call it "worm log."
234
00:10:40,924 --> 00:10:43,324
Yeah, I've always been
a bit of an outdoorsman.
235
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:44,654
When I was a kid,
my parents used to
236
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:46,456
make me hang out in
the backyard a lot
237
00:10:46,528 --> 00:10:49,019
and just run around
until I got tired.
238
00:10:49,098 --> 00:10:53,728
But if there's any criminals out
there watching, I never get tired.
239
00:10:53,802 --> 00:10:55,895
And ladies, too.
240
00:10:58,073 --> 00:10:59,335
This thing is a mess.
241
00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:01,273
We used to have
three carts, actually.
242
00:11:01,343 --> 00:11:04,437
The first one got pushed
into the creek by some kids.
243
00:11:04,513 --> 00:11:08,540
The second one, raccoons got onto.
There was urine everywhere.
244
00:11:08,617 --> 00:11:10,585
And the third one
was recently stolen.
245
00:11:10,953 --> 00:11:12,784
What's this one?
This is the second one.
246
00:11:12,855 --> 00:11:15,449
The raccoon piss one.
247
00:11:15,524 --> 00:11:18,152
All right. So we're
going to just head out.
248
00:11:20,663 --> 00:11:24,394
Oh, no. You know what?
I think we've got too much weight.
249
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:26,458
Oh.
250
00:11:26,535 --> 00:11:27,797
That's Tom, probably.
251
00:11:28,103 --> 00:11:29,365
Are you serious?
252
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:31,099
Tom, can you
get off, please?
253
00:11:31,373 --> 00:11:33,841
Just run alongside
the cart, okay?
254
00:11:33,909 --> 00:11:35,342
Okay. Here we go.
255
00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:36,466
Whoa!
256
00:11:36,745 --> 00:11:39,646
So, I want to tell you
a little bit about the park.
257
00:11:39,715 --> 00:11:44,311
Up here on the left is one of our
most beautiful grass fields.
258
00:11:44,386 --> 00:11:47,913
It's primarily grass.
All right, I'm going to make a hard left here.
259
00:11:47,990 --> 00:11:49,753
Stick with us, Tom.
260
00:11:49,992 --> 00:11:54,156
Okay. Lesson learned.
Thank you. Next. Andy.
261
00:11:57,266 --> 00:12:01,032
Impressive. I'm going to
engage Andy in an attack hold,
262
00:12:01,103 --> 00:12:02,229
and he's going to
try and break free.
263
00:12:03,105 --> 00:12:05,096
Cool. Now, I don't
want to hurt you, Ron.
264
00:12:05,174 --> 00:12:07,608
Don't worry about that.
Just try to escape my attack.
265
00:12:07,676 --> 00:12:11,168
Now, when I get out, am I
allowed to counter-strike?
266
00:12:11,747 --> 00:12:16,184
Sure. When you get out,
you may counter-attack.
267
00:12:16,251 --> 00:12:18,344
But just promise
me you'll be ready,
268
00:12:18,420 --> 00:12:21,218
because, I mean, I don't
want to destroy you.
269
00:12:22,024 --> 00:12:25,016
Okay. I see where
we're going with this...
270
00:12:27,463 --> 00:12:31,365
Now, when your arms are pinned to your
sides, use your legs to break free,
271
00:12:31,433 --> 00:12:33,765
instead of your neck, which
is what Andy is trying to do.
272
00:12:36,171 --> 00:12:38,332
Okay, hold up.
Get off!
273
00:12:38,774 --> 00:12:39,763
Let him go.
274
00:12:43,946 --> 00:12:44,935
Andy.
275
00:12:47,483 --> 00:12:48,916
Oh, God.
Oops.
276
00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:51,315
Any of this
looking familiar?
277
00:12:51,386 --> 00:12:53,445
Yeah. It happened
right over there.
278
00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:58,050
Oh, yeah. I'm not surprised.
Take a look at this path.
279
00:12:58,494 --> 00:13:01,395
With budget cuts, we can't
afford a single safety light.
280
00:13:01,463 --> 00:13:03,363
There's been 10 assaults
already this year.
281
00:13:03,432 --> 00:13:04,660
Wow. Really?
282
00:13:04,733 --> 00:13:06,564
Can't you station
a Park Ranger out here?
283
00:13:06,635 --> 00:13:09,365
We have! Who do you think
they're assaulting?
284
00:13:09,438 --> 00:13:11,167
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell.
285
00:13:11,907 --> 00:13:15,001
One way or another, I'm going to get
money so you can protect Jerry,
286
00:13:15,077 --> 00:13:17,944
and all the other helpless,
pathetic people in this town.
287
00:13:21,116 --> 00:13:22,481
You guys have
got to slow down.
288
00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:23,848
Can I just take
a rest for a minute?
289
00:13:23,919 --> 00:13:25,318
No, Tom. Sorry.
No can do.
290
00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:27,048
Sun's going down and it's
real dangerous out here.
291
00:13:27,122 --> 00:13:29,056
Let's roll, Carl.
Okay. Going fast.
292
00:13:33,328 --> 00:13:35,296
Okay, what day
is it today?
293
00:13:35,364 --> 00:13:36,422
I don't know.
294
00:13:36,932 --> 00:13:38,456
Okay, but to be fair,
you never know.
295
00:13:38,534 --> 00:13:39,796
That's kind of true.
296
00:13:39,868 --> 00:13:44,737
I'm super bad at days.
But honestly, I'm fine.
297
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,837
Sorry I squeezed your
lights out there, son.
298
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:50,640
No worries. Will you show me
how to do that move, though?
299
00:13:50,712 --> 00:13:51,736
Sure. I can teach
you right now...
300
00:13:51,814 --> 00:13:54,874
No, no, no. Andy, you should
really just take it easy, I think.
301
00:13:54,950 --> 00:13:58,249
Do you want some more water?
Or maybe some pancakes?
302
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,720
No. No, I'm fine.
Thank you.
303
00:14:01,223 --> 00:14:02,690
What is the first
move in any fight?
304
00:14:02,758 --> 00:14:03,986
Punch to the balls.
305
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:07,154
We've all heard
the old saying.
306
00:14:07,229 --> 00:14:09,390
"Parks are
supposed to be fun."
307
00:14:09,464 --> 00:14:11,955
But sometimes, muggers
have their own ideas.
308
00:14:12,034 --> 00:14:16,027
Leslie Knope is with us again
from the Parks Department.
309
00:14:16,104 --> 00:14:18,299
Leslie, tell us your story.
310
00:14:18,373 --> 00:14:20,898
This is my co-worker,
Jerry Gergich.
311
00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:25,846
Diabetic. Sloppily
out of shape. Friend.
312
00:14:26,381 --> 00:14:29,475
He was mugged this
morning in Ramsett Park.
313
00:14:29,751 --> 00:14:34,654
Who's next? Your frumpy uncle?
Your simple neighbor?
314
00:14:34,857 --> 00:14:37,655
Your unpopular co-worker?
315
00:14:37,726 --> 00:14:39,216
Head of security,
Carl Lorthner,
316
00:14:39,294 --> 00:14:41,387
is doing his best
to keep the parks safe,
317
00:14:41,463 --> 00:14:42,487
but he's failing.
318
00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:45,065
So, what is the solution
to fix this?
319
00:14:45,133 --> 00:14:48,899
To make it right.
And not bad.
320
00:14:50,105 --> 00:14:53,472
We need money from City Hall.
And it's not coming through.
321
00:14:53,542 --> 00:14:55,737
And Pawnee,
I am sorry to say this,
322
00:14:55,811 --> 00:14:57,972
but your government
is failing you.
323
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:02,210
Up next, 10 objects
you didn't know you can eat.
324
00:15:03,852 --> 00:15:05,752
What possessed
you to do that?
325
00:15:05,821 --> 00:15:08,847
I'm sorry, Paul, but one of my
guys got mugged in the park.
326
00:15:08,924 --> 00:15:11,358
I don't care
how upset you are.
327
00:15:11,426 --> 00:15:14,691
You do not badmouth
your own government on TV.
328
00:15:15,864 --> 00:15:18,765
I'm sure you'll be happy to
know your little stunt worked.
329
00:15:19,167 --> 00:15:24,833
The Mayor is going to divert $2500
to the Parks for security upgrades.
330
00:15:24,907 --> 00:15:25,965
There's going to
be an announcement
331
00:15:26,041 --> 00:15:27,406
tomorrow at 10:00
in the press room.
332
00:15:27,476 --> 00:15:31,708
So... Make sure you bring the
doofus who got his ass kicked.
333
00:15:31,780 --> 00:15:33,111
I don't know who
you're referring to.
334
00:15:33,181 --> 00:15:34,739
We treat everyone
with respect around here.
335
00:15:36,685 --> 00:15:37,709
Okay.
336
00:15:38,887 --> 00:15:41,412
Good morning.
As many of you know,
337
00:15:41,490 --> 00:15:47,588
there was an incident involving a
government employee in Ramsett Park.
338
00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:48,890
Jerry, are you nervous?
339
00:15:49,197 --> 00:15:52,655
Just talk about how hard it was for you.
Speak from the heart.
340
00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:54,224
You'll be fine.
341
00:15:54,469 --> 00:15:56,767
Leslie? I wasn't mugged.
342
00:15:56,838 --> 00:15:58,237
safety of
our citizens.
343
00:15:58,307 --> 00:16:00,138
That's why we're here today
to give Pawnee...
344
00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:03,806
Jerry? Why don't
you step on up here?
345
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,507
No, I will.
346
00:16:06,581 --> 00:16:10,540
Get up here.
I'm going to speak for Jerry.
347
00:16:10,619 --> 00:16:16,080
He can't talk right now because he
has hysterical muteness from trauma.
348
00:16:16,158 --> 00:16:17,147
Correct.
349
00:16:17,225 --> 00:16:18,214
Jerry.
350
00:16:19,995 --> 00:16:21,895
What about this? Is this fake?
Huh? Is this fake?
351
00:16:21,964 --> 00:16:24,330
This is real. I really
dislocated my shoulder.
352
00:16:24,533 --> 00:16:26,091
Were you even in
the park yesterday?
353
00:16:26,468 --> 00:16:28,561
Look, I was on my way
to feed the hummingbirds,
354
00:16:28,637 --> 00:16:30,400
and I stopped
for a breakfast burrito.
355
00:16:31,306 --> 00:16:32,739
The farting.
Yeah.
356
00:16:32,808 --> 00:16:36,005
And Lord Sheldon...
He lunged at a bird, I dropped the burrito,
357
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:37,773
and it landed on
a log in the creek.
358
00:16:37,846 --> 00:16:39,711
So, I go to reach for it,
I lose my balance,
359
00:16:39,781 --> 00:16:41,578
and I fall on my shoulder
really weird.
360
00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:43,843
Well, why didn't you just
tell everybody the truth?
361
00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:47,184
Are you kidding me?
Imagine what Tom would have said.
362
00:16:48,290 --> 00:16:51,316
Damn, Jerry!
You jumped in a creek for a burrito?
363
00:16:51,393 --> 00:16:54,362
What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Kill your wife?
364
00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:57,690
Block the opponent's punch
and counter-punch to the jaw.
365
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:00,429
Shoeshine?
366
00:17:00,502 --> 00:17:01,594
Hey.
367
00:17:01,670 --> 00:17:04,264
Oh! Hey! Ann Perkins,
in the "shoe-shouse."
368
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,341
I wanted to check in.
I brought some stuff from the hospital.
369
00:17:08,410 --> 00:17:12,540
Water, a compress, aspirin, some
lollipops, I know you love those.
370
00:17:12,614 --> 00:17:15,174
Ann, you know, thank you.
But really, I'm feeling great.
371
00:17:15,250 --> 00:17:17,616
I took a couple of aspirin and
slept right through the night.
372
00:17:17,686 --> 00:17:21,782
And... Hold on a second.
Ludgate. What the hell?
373
00:17:21,857 --> 00:17:24,121
I got you one of those veggie
muffins that you're always eating.
374
00:17:24,192 --> 00:17:25,318
Score.
375
00:17:25,394 --> 00:17:26,486
Yeah. It tastes like a rug.
376
00:17:27,062 --> 00:17:28,791
Shut up.
Don't hit me.
377
00:17:30,098 --> 00:17:31,690
Good. Well, I'm glad
you're feeling better.
378
00:17:31,767 --> 00:17:33,234
I am.
Thank you for that.
379
00:17:33,935 --> 00:17:35,402
That's so cool.
380
00:17:35,470 --> 00:17:38,337
Since when did he start
doing stuff for other people?
381
00:17:38,407 --> 00:17:42,776
Now, I actually am worried that
something happened to his brain.
382
00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:44,869
People change, I guess...
383
00:17:45,914 --> 00:17:48,348
Wouldn't you rather the money
go to keeping the parks safe?
384
00:17:48,417 --> 00:17:50,885
Yes, but now, we have the
money under false pretenses.
385
00:17:51,086 --> 00:17:53,417
I actually think that you have a
bigger problem than the money.
386
00:17:53,721 --> 00:17:54,745
What?
387
00:17:54,822 --> 00:17:56,289
There is someone
in your department
388
00:17:56,357 --> 00:17:57,949
who is willing to lie
about being mugged,
389
00:17:58,025 --> 00:17:59,788
because he's afraid
of his co-workers.
390
00:18:01,862 --> 00:18:05,798
Knope. Yep. No.
391
00:18:08,102 --> 00:18:09,967
Carl. What are you doing?
392
00:18:10,404 --> 00:18:12,065
Oh, Leslie.
393
00:18:12,139 --> 00:18:14,869
Well, since you decided to drag
my name through the mud on TV,
394
00:18:14,942 --> 00:18:16,466
I figured why not
return the favor.
395
00:18:16,544 --> 00:18:19,172
Carl, could you quietly
quiet down for a second,
396
00:18:19,246 --> 00:18:23,945
and please tell me what is going on, quietly?
Okay? In a quiet voice.
397
00:18:24,952 --> 00:18:27,944
A citizen handed in
a very interesting home video
398
00:18:28,022 --> 00:18:31,981
that I think the people of Pawnee
will find very interesting.
399
00:18:32,059 --> 00:18:33,526
Take a peek at this.
400
00:18:36,764 --> 00:18:38,732
Keep your eyes on the creek.
401
00:18:40,568 --> 00:18:44,163
There he is.
This is my favorite part.
402
00:18:44,238 --> 00:18:46,866
Not willing to
share with a dog.
403
00:18:47,374 --> 00:18:50,901
So, it would appear that Park
Security was not to blame after all.
404
00:18:51,545 --> 00:18:54,105
Okay, look. I have
a proposition for you.
405
00:18:54,582 --> 00:18:56,482
Fine. I'll have sex with you
in exchange for the tape.
406
00:18:56,550 --> 00:18:59,951
That's not what
I am saying. Okay?
407
00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:02,887
Just listen to
what I have to say.
408
00:19:04,191 --> 00:19:09,288
The Ramsett Park mugging story
continues with a shiny new twist.
409
00:19:10,664 --> 00:19:13,895
Ranger Carl Lorthner
is here today.
410
00:19:13,968 --> 00:19:15,731
Now, I understand
411
00:19:15,803 --> 00:19:20,536
that you have a bombshell to drop
that you are just sitting on.
412
00:19:22,109 --> 00:19:23,201
Yes, that's correct.
413
00:19:23,410 --> 00:19:25,207
I came on today
because I have some
414
00:19:25,279 --> 00:19:27,304
very important
information to share.
415
00:19:27,481 --> 00:19:31,542
I finally saw Avatar and I
thought it lived up to the hype.
416
00:19:33,787 --> 00:19:37,154
Well, I'm not sure what that
has to do with the mugging.
417
00:19:37,224 --> 00:19:39,488
Uh... Leslie.
Counterpoint.
418
00:19:39,894 --> 00:19:41,828
I disagree with Carl.
Okay.
419
00:19:41,896 --> 00:19:46,333
I have seen Avatar as well,
and I think it exceeded the hype.
420
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:47,656
What?
421
00:19:47,935 --> 00:19:50,631
Oh boy, we...
422
00:19:50,704 --> 00:19:51,966
Disagreement.
423
00:19:52,806 --> 00:19:55,741
Well, things are really heating
up in here, aren't they?
424
00:19:55,809 --> 00:19:57,572
We should probably
take some calls.
425
00:19:58,512 --> 00:20:02,949
That segment was a disaster.
Don't you ever me like that again.
426
00:20:03,050 --> 00:20:05,143
This is Pawnee Today.
427
00:20:05,386 --> 00:20:06,648
Do you know
that I bumped a cat
428
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,188
that can stand up on
its hinders for you?
429
00:20:09,323 --> 00:20:11,689
You disgust me, Knope.
Get out of my sight.
430
00:20:11,825 --> 00:20:13,315
Yes, ma'am.
Go.
431
00:20:13,727 --> 00:20:17,788
Go on. Oh, no, no, no.
Don't make me chase you.
432
00:20:17,865 --> 00:20:19,492
You want to
go eat something?
433
00:20:19,567 --> 00:20:20,591
Okay.
434
00:20:21,001 --> 00:20:22,366
I am part of a great team.
435
00:20:22,870 --> 00:20:25,862
And sometimes, the best way
to maintain a strong team
436
00:20:25,940 --> 00:20:27,635
is just by
letting someone know
437
00:20:27,708 --> 00:20:29,369
that he is
still a part of it.
438
00:20:29,743 --> 00:20:33,702
This is the only copy,
and I am going to destroy it.
439
00:20:34,949 --> 00:20:37,747
Right after I watch it
one more time.
440
00:20:38,686 --> 00:20:41,246
I'm sorry,
but it is so good.
441
00:20:44,258 --> 00:20:45,725
Hey, Jerry.
Hmm.
442
00:20:45,926 --> 00:20:47,791
I got you a peppermint latte.
443
00:20:47,861 --> 00:20:51,297
Seriously? My goodness.
I love a peppermint...
444
00:20:51,365 --> 00:20:52,957
I know.
445
00:20:54,101 --> 00:20:56,934
Oh, geez. Go ahead.
446
00:20:57,338 --> 00:20:59,363
We should just directly apply
the food to your clothes.
447
00:21:00,541 --> 00:21:03,738
Making fun
of Jerry is back!
448
00:21:04,845 --> 00:21:06,210
They can laugh
at me all they want.
449
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:10,610
Because two more years until I retire
with full benefits and pension.
450
00:21:10,684 --> 00:21:13,380
And the wife and I, we have bought
a little cottage on a lake.
451
00:21:13,454 --> 00:21:16,150
And I am going to get myself
a stack of mystery novels,
452
00:21:16,223 --> 00:21:21,126
a box of cigars, and I am going
to sit back and enjoy my life.
453
00:21:21,195 --> 00:21:22,321
Hey, Jerry?
454
00:21:22,396 --> 00:21:24,159
April was just double-checking
the lunch order.
455
00:21:24,231 --> 00:21:26,392
Do you want the salmon
or the "twout"?
456
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:29,160
Twout! Twout!
Twout! Twout!