1 00:00:02,446 --> 00:00:05,339 Ron? Jack Cooper, from the Controller's Office. 2 00:00:05,389 --> 00:00:06,515 Got a second? 3 00:00:06,586 --> 00:00:07,780 Sure, what can I do you for? 4 00:00:07,854 --> 00:00:09,515 Frankly, this is a little awkward. 5 00:00:09,569 --> 00:00:12,140 We've received this letter from a collection agency 6 00:00:12,172 --> 00:00:15,445 about an outstanding debt from the Pawnee Public Library. 7 00:00:15,526 --> 00:00:17,118 It appears you have an overdue book. 8 00:00:17,175 --> 00:00:18,149 Oh, do I? 9 00:00:18,171 --> 00:00:23,214 It's Not the Size of the Boat: Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis. 10 00:00:24,517 --> 00:00:25,677 Tammy. 11 00:00:25,819 --> 00:00:28,845 My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often 12 00:00:28,922 --> 00:00:31,049 and make sure I'm doing okay. 13 00:00:31,491 --> 00:00:35,018 And if I am, she tries to everything up. 14 00:00:35,094 --> 00:00:37,858 Okay, I pre-dialed 911, so all you have to do is press send. 15 00:00:37,931 --> 00:00:39,296 You're worrying over nothing. 16 00:00:39,365 --> 00:00:41,162 If she binds your hands and you can't reach your phone, 17 00:00:41,234 --> 00:00:42,826 just try to chew yourself free. 18 00:00:46,039 --> 00:00:47,563 Whale tail. Whale tail. 19 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,335 She's flashing a whale tail. Abort. Abort. 20 00:00:49,409 --> 00:00:50,569 Hello, Tammy. 21 00:00:51,511 --> 00:00:52,535 Oh! 22 00:00:52,612 --> 00:00:55,046 Hello, Ron. I didn't see you come in. 23 00:00:55,415 --> 00:00:57,610 I was just checking myself for scoliosis. 24 00:00:57,684 --> 00:00:59,549 - And? - Straight as an arrow. 25 00:01:00,019 --> 00:01:01,680 Just like somebody else I know. 26 00:01:02,188 --> 00:01:03,212 Jerky? 27 00:01:03,656 --> 00:01:05,146 Call off the dogs. 28 00:01:05,558 --> 00:01:08,493 You and I both know that in my entire adult life, 29 00:01:08,561 --> 00:01:12,019 I have never checked a book out of the library. 30 00:01:12,599 --> 00:01:14,294 Oh, my God, she's amazing. 31 00:01:14,968 --> 00:01:15,957 Ooh! 32 00:01:16,603 --> 00:01:17,627 Mmm. 33 00:01:17,704 --> 00:01:19,797 I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior 34 00:01:19,873 --> 00:01:21,932 would've driven me wild. 35 00:01:22,208 --> 00:01:24,870 But I am in a healthy relationship now, Tammy. 36 00:01:25,011 --> 00:01:27,104 A relationship? With whom? 37 00:01:27,180 --> 00:01:31,207 A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy. 38 00:01:31,618 --> 00:01:33,051 Sounds like a real whore. 39 00:01:33,786 --> 00:01:36,118 Clear the late charges and cut the crap. 40 00:01:36,689 --> 00:01:37,815 Good day. 41 00:01:40,070 --> 00:01:41,094 Good day, Leslie. 42 00:01:41,287 --> 00:01:43,312 Good... good day. 43 00:02:04,022 --> 00:02:05,283 Okay, so we're ordering them 44 00:02:05,308 --> 00:02:07,833 a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk toppings. 45 00:02:07,917 --> 00:02:09,612 Sausage, onion, and peppers. 46 00:02:09,685 --> 00:02:11,846 Scientifically proven to be the best toppings. 47 00:02:12,077 --> 00:02:12,921 Nice. 48 00:02:12,996 --> 00:02:16,488 Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option? 49 00:02:16,567 --> 00:02:18,228 Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben. 50 00:02:18,335 --> 00:02:20,997 Yeah, Ben, these guys are cops, not ballerinas. 51 00:02:21,104 --> 00:02:22,401 So we are throwing a little shindig 52 00:02:22,472 --> 00:02:24,736 for the police department because we're asking them 53 00:02:24,808 --> 00:02:27,368 to volunteer as security during the Harvest Festival. 54 00:02:27,744 --> 00:02:30,365 I don't know what it is about big outdoor gatherings 55 00:02:30,434 --> 00:02:34,495 that makes everyone want to urinate all over everything, 56 00:02:35,085 --> 00:02:36,484 but it does. 57 00:02:36,972 --> 00:02:38,405 And they do. 58 00:02:38,622 --> 00:02:40,783 Okay, how about some calzones? 59 00:02:40,891 --> 00:02:43,451 Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. 60 00:02:43,594 --> 00:02:46,028 They're dumb, and so was that idea. 61 00:02:46,330 --> 00:02:48,805 - Seriously? - This is embarrassing for you. 62 00:02:48,924 --> 00:02:51,415 Sorry to interrupt. Ron, are you ready? 63 00:02:51,712 --> 00:02:53,274 Absolutely, my dear. 64 00:02:53,296 --> 00:02:56,663 I am off to have a mid-morning pre-lunch with my lady friend, 65 00:02:56,908 --> 00:02:58,464 but I will be back in time for lunch. 66 00:02:58,508 --> 00:02:59,532 All right. 67 00:03:00,942 --> 00:03:02,292 Ron's girlfriend's pretty. 68 00:03:05,736 --> 00:03:06,828 Tom's ex-wife. 69 00:03:07,551 --> 00:03:08,540 Oh. 70 00:03:09,519 --> 00:03:12,287 I don't want to see them together. It's like they're rubbing it in my face. 71 00:03:12,383 --> 00:03:15,910 All I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife. 72 00:03:15,954 --> 00:03:18,743 And you imagine he's wearing a cape while he's plowing her? 73 00:03:18,855 --> 00:03:19,655 What? 74 00:03:19,757 --> 00:03:21,190 No, just, Captain Mustache? 75 00:03:21,295 --> 00:03:23,627 I mean, if all you can think of is Ron, you know... 76 00:03:23,698 --> 00:03:26,723 Maybe put him in some tights and a cape, and then it would be funny. 77 00:03:27,301 --> 00:03:29,360 Now I'm imagining a cape. 78 00:03:31,163 --> 00:03:32,221 April? 79 00:03:33,741 --> 00:03:35,072 Did you call me? 80 00:03:35,143 --> 00:03:36,834 I did call you. Good ears. 81 00:03:37,029 --> 00:03:40,354 Chris's assistant went back to Indianapolis, 82 00:03:40,443 --> 00:03:43,844 so he's borrowing me for a few days. 83 00:03:44,485 --> 00:03:45,509 Yay! 84 00:03:45,586 --> 00:03:49,022 I'd like you to get me some more Post-its. I'd like them in multiple colors. 85 00:03:49,065 --> 00:03:50,471 I'd like green. I'd like yellow. 86 00:03:50,550 --> 00:03:51,915 Do not buy orange. 87 00:03:52,261 --> 00:03:54,248 I do not want orange. I have plenty of orange. 88 00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:55,391 Got it. 89 00:03:55,419 --> 00:03:57,794 You want five million orange Post-its. 90 00:03:58,086 --> 00:03:59,110 That's hilarious. 91 00:04:00,535 --> 00:04:04,325 Oh, wait! I have a Post-it for you. 92 00:04:06,241 --> 00:04:07,265 It says, "Great job!" 93 00:04:07,542 --> 00:04:08,566 Mmm... 94 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:09,973 - Great job. - Mmm... 95 00:04:10,094 --> 00:04:11,152 There you go. 96 00:04:15,683 --> 00:04:18,584 They're getting really old, and I'm an only child. 97 00:04:19,420 --> 00:04:23,220 I just feel like the right thing to do is to move back home. 98 00:04:24,492 --> 00:04:26,221 I'm sorry to see you go. 99 00:04:26,961 --> 00:04:29,987 I've really come to think of you as 100 00:04:31,933 --> 00:04:33,332 a companion. 101 00:04:35,770 --> 00:04:39,467 Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada? 102 00:04:42,877 --> 00:04:44,401 Canada. 103 00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:48,180 No, I don't suppose I would. 104 00:04:48,916 --> 00:04:51,043 Hey, I hate to nag, 105 00:04:51,118 --> 00:04:52,551 but shouldn't we be talking strategy, 106 00:04:52,620 --> 00:04:56,147 like, when to ask the chief for this huge critical favor? 107 00:04:56,257 --> 00:04:58,282 Yes. I know exactly when we should do it. 108 00:04:58,359 --> 00:05:01,385 Post-pizza, pre-ice cream, between his third and fourth beer. 109 00:05:01,462 --> 00:05:03,487 He'll be full but not stuffed, tipsy but not drunk. 110 00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:04,588 Should be around 9:00. 111 00:05:04,665 --> 00:05:06,724 Okay, so you've thought this through. 112 00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:09,065 Just sit tight. I'll get you a beer. 113 00:05:10,638 --> 00:05:12,333 Can I have two beers, please? 114 00:05:13,441 --> 00:05:14,499 Hey, you okay? 115 00:05:14,909 --> 00:05:16,809 Wendy and I are over. 116 00:05:16,878 --> 00:05:18,345 She's moving back to Canada. 117 00:05:19,013 --> 00:05:20,241 It's too bad. 118 00:05:20,314 --> 00:05:22,874 I just taught her how to whittle. 119 00:05:23,517 --> 00:05:26,543 She made me this tiny sharpened stick. 120 00:05:26,621 --> 00:05:28,953 Look, I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends 121 00:05:29,023 --> 00:05:30,888 when they get dumped. 122 00:05:30,958 --> 00:05:32,448 Men are dogs. 123 00:05:33,294 --> 00:05:34,727 Thank you, Leslie. 124 00:05:35,329 --> 00:05:37,627 That does not apply to this situation at all. 125 00:05:37,698 --> 00:05:39,723 But thank you. I appreciate it. 126 00:05:40,268 --> 00:05:41,462 This is a disaster. 127 00:05:41,802 --> 00:05:42,826 You're not into football? 128 00:05:44,472 --> 00:05:46,702 I knew there was something wrong with you. 129 00:05:46,807 --> 00:05:48,331 I knew it. I knew it, knew it, knew it. 130 00:05:48,476 --> 00:05:51,172 Honestly, I haven't felt this good in years. 131 00:05:51,512 --> 00:05:54,140 And it's not just because of the supplements he has me taking 132 00:05:54,215 --> 00:05:57,048 and the soluble fiber and the increase in regularity. 133 00:05:57,118 --> 00:05:58,176 It's him. 134 00:05:58,286 --> 00:06:02,723 He's moving back to Indianapolis in a couple of weeks, which sucks. 135 00:06:03,324 --> 00:06:05,519 But if he asked me to move with him, 136 00:06:06,027 --> 00:06:07,756 I think I would. 137 00:06:07,862 --> 00:06:09,796 I would like a local beer. 138 00:06:09,897 --> 00:06:11,023 I'd like it in a bottle. 139 00:06:11,098 --> 00:06:12,565 I'd like the bottle to be cold. 140 00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:14,965 I would like a glass of white wine. 141 00:06:15,036 --> 00:06:16,663 I would like it to be Chardonnay. 142 00:06:16,737 --> 00:06:17,931 And I would like that with one ice cube. 143 00:06:18,272 --> 00:06:19,296 Thanks. 144 00:06:21,242 --> 00:06:23,107 - Chief Trumple? - Hey, Knope. 145 00:06:23,210 --> 00:06:25,770 You know Ben Wyatt from the State Budget Office. 146 00:06:25,846 --> 00:06:27,040 - Hello. - Yeah, how's it going? 147 00:06:27,114 --> 00:06:28,547 Thanks for the party. Good pizza. 148 00:06:28,616 --> 00:06:31,710 Great. So, yeah, the pizza's dynamite, isn't it? 149 00:06:32,286 --> 00:06:33,776 I just said it was good pizza. 150 00:06:34,088 --> 00:06:35,953 It's good. Pizza's good. 151 00:06:36,424 --> 00:06:37,448 You... 152 00:06:39,126 --> 00:06:41,287 You know what I like? Calzones. 153 00:06:42,596 --> 00:06:43,756 What the hell is wrong with this guy? 154 00:06:43,864 --> 00:06:45,726 Sorry. We'll check in with you later. 155 00:06:45,833 --> 00:06:47,528 - Take it easy. - Yeah, will do. 156 00:06:47,601 --> 00:06:49,793 - What is wrong with you? - I was getting somewhere with that. 157 00:06:49,837 --> 00:06:51,702 Yeah, great small talk over there. Okay, let me handle this. 158 00:06:51,772 --> 00:06:53,569 - I get a little nervous with cops. - I'm in control. 159 00:06:53,634 --> 00:06:56,184 What's up? 160 00:06:56,444 --> 00:06:58,469 Tom Haverford's in the building. 161 00:06:58,546 --> 00:06:59,570 Whoo! 162 00:06:59,647 --> 00:07:01,342 Tom, what the hell are you doing? 163 00:07:01,415 --> 00:07:03,610 Same thing you're doing, celebrating Pawnee's finest. 164 00:07:03,665 --> 00:07:05,565 I believe you know my date, Tammy Swanson. 165 00:07:05,718 --> 00:07:06,742 Hi-ya, Ron. 166 00:07:07,121 --> 00:07:09,196 - Oh. Hi-ya, Ron. - Hey, Ron. 167 00:07:09,256 --> 00:07:10,343 I'm sorry. 168 00:07:10,365 --> 00:07:14,157 Is seeing your ex-wife on my arm making you uncomfortable? 169 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,237 Gee, I can't imagine why. Or can I? 170 00:07:17,565 --> 00:07:19,328 I like this song. Do you wanna dance, Tammy? 171 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:20,389 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 172 00:07:21,802 --> 00:07:22,791 Oh. Ah. 173 00:07:23,371 --> 00:07:25,202 I know Tammy seems scary. 174 00:07:25,272 --> 00:07:27,900 But really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic, 175 00:07:27,975 --> 00:07:30,808 library-book-peddling, sex-crazed she-demon. 176 00:07:32,473 --> 00:07:34,491 Yeah. 177 00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:36,512 - I think that's enough. - Tammy. 178 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,886 Hi, Ron. 179 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,928 - I was just tasting my new boyfriend, Glenn. - Tom. 180 00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:43,792 You don't know what you're mixed up in, son. 181 00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:46,094 This isn't about you. It's about me. 182 00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,870 Typical Ron Swanson. Always thinking about yourself. 183 00:07:48,905 --> 00:07:51,567 - Maybe we like each other. - Yeah, maybe we do. 184 00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:55,272 Okay. Let's take it easy. 185 00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:57,708 Tammy, leave him out of this. 186 00:07:57,778 --> 00:08:00,679 So it's okay for you to have a girlfriend, but I'm not supposed to see anybody? 187 00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:01,873 Damn it, woman! 188 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,075 Just crawl back into the dank hole you came from 189 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,448 and leave my friends alone. 190 00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:07,911 Okay, okay. Let's settle down. What seems to be the problem? 191 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,613 What seems to be the problem? Is there a problem here? 192 00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:12,215 Basically what we had here was a dispute of a domestic nature. 193 00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:13,725 White male, 40, 45. 194 00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:15,955 Caucasian male. Stocky build. 195 00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:17,462 Approximately 5'10". 196 00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:20,159 Verbal altercation transpired at approximately 8:55 P.M. 197 00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:21,394 with a female unsub. 198 00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:23,060 Appears to be slightly intoxicated. 199 00:08:23,137 --> 00:08:25,071 Claims to be an ex-spouse. 200 00:08:25,139 --> 00:08:26,401 Real piece of work. 201 00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:27,906 Real piece of work. Real piece of work. 202 00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:29,465 Real piece of work. 203 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:32,137 I know why you're doing this, and you're making a huge mistake. 204 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:35,010 Fight fire with fire, Leslie. He dates my ex, I date his. 205 00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:38,574 Ron and Wendy aren't even dating anymore. She's moving back to Canada. 206 00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:40,313 - What? - Oh, God. 207 00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:41,547 Okay, hey. What's happening here? 208 00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:45,388 Ron and I are going to get a cup of coffee and talk things out. 209 00:08:45,459 --> 00:08:49,862 It's time for Tammy and me to bury the hatchet once and for all. 210 00:08:50,164 --> 00:08:52,029 Everything will be fine. 211 00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,636 It's been like this for hours. 212 00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:03,400 Right there. Right there. Yeah. Yeah. 213 00:09:03,477 --> 00:09:04,910 Hey, Swanson! 214 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:07,137 Snap out of it! 215 00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:08,770 Leslie. 216 00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,677 Congratulate us. 217 00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,351 Ron's got one just like it on his penis. 218 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,253 Oh, yeah. 219 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:17,950 What the hell happened to you? 220 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,318 Well... 221 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,162 Here you go. 222 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:35,535 Rock and roll! Yeah, baby! 223 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:36,803 I got it! 224 00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:38,105 You may now kiss the bride. 225 00:09:48,655 --> 00:09:50,885 It's been kind of a crazy night. 226 00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,318 Come back, come back. 227 00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:56,357 April, could you come in here a second? 228 00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:59,391 April, way to come in. Great initiative. 229 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:00,990 You called me in. 230 00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:02,865 Listen, could you please call Ann Perkins 231 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,302 and tell her that I will be unable to enjoy lunch with her today, 232 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,738 as I am just swamped. All day. 233 00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:09,871 Copy that. 234 00:10:11,245 --> 00:10:13,270 Hi, Ann. This is April. 235 00:10:13,347 --> 00:10:17,443 I'm just calling to let you know that Chris can't make lunch today. 236 00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:19,849 I knew you wouldn't care. Good-bye. 237 00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,654 They started having sex at the court house. We had no choice. 238 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:25,487 Oh, well, I completely understand. 239 00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:27,858 Chief, I need to ask you a huge favor. 240 00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:28,952 Leslie. 241 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,553 Ron is a good man 242 00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:32,791 who just got caught up in something terrible. 243 00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,629 And I was hoping that maybe you would 244 00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:37,329 reduce his charges and release him into my custody. 245 00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:39,703 All right. 246 00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:42,135 But keep him away from that crazy librarian. 247 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:43,403 I'll do my best. 248 00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:46,446 In fact, I don't want him within 500 feet of the library. 249 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,641 That's good advice for all of us. 250 00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:49,739 Nothing but trouble there. 251 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,580 - Thanks a lot, bro. Sorry. - Hey, stop. 252 00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,990 - Take me back to Tammy. - For the millionth time, no. 253 00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:01,220 That was not the favor we needed to ask for, Leslie. 254 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,694 If we don't get the police for the Harvest Festival, 255 00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:05,162 there is no Harvest Festival. 256 00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:07,029 I know. I'll figure it out later. 257 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,398 Can you turn the radio off? This is our song. 258 00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,901 Your song is Dancing on the Ceiling by Lionel Richie? 259 00:11:13,807 --> 00:11:17,641 Oh, wow, look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That's lovely. 260 00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:20,646 I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off. 261 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,645 From friction. 262 00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:23,705 Ugh. 263 00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:26,082 - Ugh. - Ugh. 264 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,515 Ron Swanson, this is an intervention. 265 00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:33,389 You have been spending the last 24 hours sipping on joy juice and tripping on Tammy. 266 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:35,985 Well, the people in this room are your methadone. 267 00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:37,496 And we're here to get you clean. 268 00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:39,612 Congratulations! 269 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:43,454 Holy matrimony, there's the man of the hour. 270 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,470 Jerry, what is this? 271 00:11:45,513 --> 00:11:48,073 That is the set of tumblers that I got from the registry. 272 00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:49,506 This is an intervention. 273 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:52,511 I thought you said on the phone it was a reception. 274 00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:54,604 Okay. All right, let's begin. 275 00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:57,479 I would like to address the goofy-looking, 276 00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,611 dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. 277 00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:05,056 If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message? 278 00:12:05,659 --> 00:12:07,786 You used to be a man. 279 00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,815 You need to get your house in order. 280 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,794 Look, I love you like a brother, 281 00:12:11,852 --> 00:12:15,648 but right now, I hate you like my actual brother, LeVondrious, 282 00:12:15,712 --> 00:12:16,770 who I hate. 283 00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,080 Okay, Tom. 284 00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:20,766 Ron, you look great. 285 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:23,046 Your skin is glowing. I've never seen you so happy. 286 00:12:23,086 --> 00:12:24,465 Okay, sit down. 287 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:26,436 Andy. 288 00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:32,514 Ron, I do not really understand what is going on right now. 289 00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:36,829 But no matter what, 290 00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:40,318 you must keep going. 291 00:12:40,394 --> 00:12:41,520 No. 292 00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,995 You must stop. 293 00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:46,357 I love you, buddy. 294 00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:48,395 Follow your dreams. 295 00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:51,261 Powerful stuff. 296 00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:56,432 April? What are you doing here? 297 00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:59,409 I work for your boyfriend. What are you doing here? 298 00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:02,104 I came to see why Chris stood me up for lunch, 299 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:03,513 but I think I just figured it out. 300 00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:06,279 - Because he doesn't like you. - No, I'm pretty sure that's not it. 301 00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:09,584 Actually it's because I didn't call you deliberately. 302 00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,954 Which, if you ask me, is a fire-able offense. 303 00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:13,287 So I would tell him that. 304 00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:15,952 Also, he's not into you sexually. 305 00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:21,357 Ann Perkins. April Ludgate. Literally two of my favorite people on earth. 306 00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:23,433 I'm sorry that I had to cancel lunch. 307 00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,027 Not at all. It's not a problem. 308 00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:29,439 April here was very apologetic on the phone. She also sent me flowers. 309 00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:32,044 April. Nice touch. 310 00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:38,079 Hello, Ron. It's Ron. 311 00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,817 If you're watching this, it means that once again 312 00:13:41,888 --> 00:13:43,753 you have danced with the devil. 313 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:49,060 Right now, you're probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." 314 00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:52,654 But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite 315 00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:57,263 who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. 316 00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,228 So you have two choices. 317 00:13:59,573 --> 00:14:01,564 One, get rid of Tammy, 318 00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:04,968 or two, lobotomy and castration. 319 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:06,805 Choose wisely. 320 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,905 You stupid. 321 00:14:10,484 --> 00:14:12,247 This is a waste of time. 322 00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:15,513 You people have no idea what you're talking about. 323 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:18,787 That was you on the tape. That was you talking. 324 00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:20,720 Ron? Ron! 325 00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:24,093 Ron. There you are. 326 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,568 Ron. Stop it. God, please. 327 00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:32,332 - Ron, don't do that. - Oh, it's done, Leslie. 328 00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:36,870 Tammy and I are in love, and we're gonna start a family together. 329 00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:39,002 In fact, she's ovulating. 330 00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:42,537 So if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon. 331 00:14:42,616 --> 00:14:45,347 - Wow. Where are you going? - Jerry. 332 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:48,809 We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods. 333 00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:53,230 We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40-pound bag of peanuts for energy. 334 00:14:53,261 --> 00:14:55,080 - Oh, God. - Give me it. 335 00:14:57,631 --> 00:14:59,670 Okay. Excuse me. 336 00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:02,022 Oh, yeah. Oh, God. 337 00:15:04,233 --> 00:15:05,632 Ann and I are headed out 338 00:15:05,701 --> 00:15:08,672 and I just wanted to thank you for everything today, 339 00:15:08,704 --> 00:15:10,001 and I will see you tomorrow. 340 00:15:11,123 --> 00:15:12,385 Hi, Chris. 341 00:15:12,891 --> 00:15:17,123 Ron Swanson has sent me over to deliver to you this document. 342 00:15:18,664 --> 00:15:20,791 "To whom it may concern, dear Chris, 343 00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:24,029 "there is an emergency regarding the Parks Department, 344 00:15:24,069 --> 00:15:27,331 "and April may just be the only person who can help. 345 00:15:27,739 --> 00:15:31,072 "I can't get into details because it's super-classified. 346 00:15:31,143 --> 00:15:33,543 "Please release April back to us permanently. 347 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:35,305 "God bless America. 348 00:15:35,664 --> 00:15:38,620 "Love, Bert Macklin, FBI." 349 00:15:39,551 --> 00:15:42,145 - What? - Okay. Well, bye. 350 00:15:42,220 --> 00:15:43,582 April, listen. 351 00:15:44,056 --> 00:15:46,456 If you don't want to work for me, I'm not gonna force you. 352 00:15:46,525 --> 00:15:48,015 You didn't have to do this. 353 00:15:48,093 --> 00:15:49,159 She didn't do that. That was... 354 00:15:49,187 --> 00:15:51,013 Dude, I think it sounds like it was Macklin's call. 355 00:15:51,255 --> 00:15:52,580 Look, I get it. 356 00:15:52,965 --> 00:15:55,812 You're young, and trying isn't cool. 357 00:15:56,175 --> 00:15:57,267 But I think you're smart. 358 00:15:57,703 --> 00:15:59,762 I'm gonna be going back to Indianapolis soon, 359 00:15:59,805 --> 00:16:02,239 and I think you should come work for me. 360 00:16:02,574 --> 00:16:05,202 Wow, move all the way to Indianapolis, 361 00:16:05,277 --> 00:16:08,218 so I can pick up your vitamins and supplements. 362 00:16:08,513 --> 00:16:09,844 Everybody starts somewhere. 363 00:16:09,915 --> 00:16:13,373 You'll travel, and you will meet interesting people. 364 00:16:14,152 --> 00:16:15,312 Think about it. 365 00:16:16,154 --> 00:16:17,416 Okay. I will. 366 00:16:19,024 --> 00:16:22,926 Apparently he wants April to move to Indianapolis with him. 367 00:16:24,062 --> 00:16:25,654 So that's something. 368 00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:30,026 I hope you're happy. 369 00:16:30,769 --> 00:16:33,567 Look, I just wanted to show him what it felt like 370 00:16:33,638 --> 00:16:36,266 to have your ex-wife date someone you know. 371 00:16:36,341 --> 00:16:38,605 Whatever happened after that is not my fault. 372 00:16:38,677 --> 00:16:39,769 Yes, it is. 373 00:16:39,845 --> 00:16:43,804 Tom, you did a really crappy thing, and I think deep down, you know that. 374 00:16:44,249 --> 00:16:47,218 Whatever happens to Ron Swanson is on you. 375 00:16:53,892 --> 00:16:55,951 Excuse me, chief. Sorry to interrupt. 376 00:16:56,028 --> 00:16:57,518 Hey, calzone boy, what's up? 377 00:16:58,597 --> 00:17:01,930 Well, here's hoping that that nickname doesn't stick. Right? 378 00:17:04,369 --> 00:17:06,633 But that's not why I'm here. 379 00:17:06,805 --> 00:17:09,740 Leslie Knope asked you for a favor the other day, 380 00:17:09,808 --> 00:17:11,298 but the real favor we need is much bigger. 381 00:17:11,810 --> 00:17:13,869 You mean, like calzone size? 382 00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:14,938 Ah! 383 00:17:16,114 --> 00:17:17,604 Sure. 384 00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:20,509 We need the Pawnee police force to volunteer as security 385 00:17:20,585 --> 00:17:23,019 during the upcoming Harvest Festival. 386 00:17:23,088 --> 00:17:24,988 Now, the city won't let us throw the festival unless... 387 00:17:25,057 --> 00:17:26,615 Say no more. 388 00:17:26,691 --> 00:17:29,057 Just send me a schedule of how many officers you need and when. 389 00:17:30,062 --> 00:17:31,256 Really? Just like that? 390 00:17:31,329 --> 00:17:33,820 Leslie Knope gets as many favors as she needs. 391 00:17:34,666 --> 00:17:36,066 Can I ask why? 392 00:17:36,868 --> 00:17:39,962 Because she's the kind of a person who uses favors to help other people. 393 00:17:40,772 --> 00:17:43,605 And also, my buddy Dave was the crankiest bastard in the department 394 00:17:43,675 --> 00:17:44,699 till he started dating Leslie. 395 00:17:45,677 --> 00:17:46,939 So she... 396 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:50,311 Okay. Are they still dating or... 397 00:17:50,816 --> 00:17:53,785 No. Moved to San Diego a year ago. 398 00:17:55,687 --> 00:17:57,120 Was it a serious thing, or... 399 00:17:58,423 --> 00:18:00,983 - What do you care? You a pervert? - Nope, nope. I'm all good. 400 00:18:01,493 --> 00:18:03,688 Everything's fine. This is fine. 401 00:18:06,131 --> 00:18:08,326 Don't think I won't do it. I'll wear this to work. 402 00:18:10,802 --> 00:18:13,100 All right, one more. What's in here, huh? 403 00:18:14,539 --> 00:18:16,268 A new library card? 404 00:18:16,341 --> 00:18:19,435 Read the name. "Tammy Swanson Swanson." 405 00:18:20,212 --> 00:18:22,339 You guys, that's amazing. 406 00:18:24,816 --> 00:18:26,681 Well, you about ready to go, my love? 407 00:18:26,751 --> 00:18:28,878 - Yeah. - Wait, wait, Ron! Stop! 408 00:18:28,954 --> 00:18:30,615 - Tom? - Jerry, what the hell? 409 00:18:31,590 --> 00:18:33,627 Don't do it. She doesn't love you. 410 00:18:34,059 --> 00:18:36,391 You don't know what you're talking about. What are you doing here? 411 00:18:36,461 --> 00:18:38,588 Yes, I do, okay? 412 00:18:38,839 --> 00:18:41,261 When I asked her to be my date, she cackled for a full minute 413 00:18:41,299 --> 00:18:43,400 and said, and I quote, 414 00:18:43,969 --> 00:18:46,608 "Anything to make Ron miserable." 415 00:18:47,539 --> 00:18:49,598 It's not real, man. She's just messing with you. 416 00:18:49,674 --> 00:18:52,268 He's lying, Ron. Stay out of this, Glenn. 417 00:18:52,344 --> 00:18:54,209 It's Tom! And I'm not lying. 418 00:18:54,513 --> 00:18:56,538 I'm not gonna let you destroy Ron. You're just gonna have to... 419 00:18:56,715 --> 00:18:57,704 Ow! 420 00:18:57,816 --> 00:18:58,805 Ow! 421 00:19:00,152 --> 00:19:01,915 He's attacking me, Ron! Kill him! 422 00:19:11,104 --> 00:19:13,231 Yeah! Do your worst, Glenn! 423 00:19:13,331 --> 00:19:15,022 You're gonna have to do better than that. 424 00:19:18,503 --> 00:19:21,267 Why are you hitting yourself, Glenn? Stop hitting yourself. 425 00:19:21,339 --> 00:19:23,102 Tammy, that's enough! 426 00:19:23,175 --> 00:19:24,267 What? 427 00:19:24,709 --> 00:19:26,074 Hey, baby. 428 00:19:27,078 --> 00:19:28,340 You almost had me. 429 00:19:29,247 --> 00:19:30,509 Again. 430 00:19:30,749 --> 00:19:34,515 But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenseless little man... 431 00:19:34,537 --> 00:19:35,115 Hey. 432 00:19:35,134 --> 00:19:37,375 ...reminded me what kind of a monster you are. 433 00:19:37,416 --> 00:19:38,940 You're a joke. 434 00:19:39,042 --> 00:19:40,942 You're not even a man anymore. 435 00:19:41,017 --> 00:19:44,910 Oh, and by the way, last night, I faked four out of the seven. 436 00:19:46,741 --> 00:19:47,969 So did I. 437 00:19:49,017 --> 00:19:50,109 Let's go, son. 438 00:19:57,209 --> 00:19:58,369 - Hey. - Hey. 439 00:19:58,399 --> 00:19:59,724 Sorry about the whole mess. 440 00:19:59,773 --> 00:20:03,504 The crisis has been averted, so let's go talk to the chief. 441 00:20:03,615 --> 00:20:04,832 I already talked to him. 442 00:20:04,883 --> 00:20:06,847 They'll give us the hours we need, no problem. 443 00:20:07,385 --> 00:20:09,319 - Great. What a relief. - Yeah. 444 00:20:11,256 --> 00:20:13,802 - Hey, are you hungry? I haven't eaten. - You know, yeah. 445 00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:16,738 There's a really great calzone place over in "Idiotville." 446 00:20:16,795 --> 00:20:18,940 Oh, really? Down on " Terrible Idea Avenue." 447 00:20:18,982 --> 00:20:20,040 Okay. That's weird. 448 00:20:20,098 --> 00:20:23,170 'Cause I thought it was on" Beating-a-Dead-Horse Boulevard." 449 00:20:24,665 --> 00:20:25,996 Calzones are pointless. 450 00:20:26,584 --> 00:20:28,396 They're just pizza that's harder to eat. 451 00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:30,351 No one likes them. 452 00:20:30,837 --> 00:20:31,895 Good day, sir. 453 00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:34,074 Leslie, I... You know, I... 454 00:20:34,959 --> 00:20:36,668 I'm just kidding. Let's go. 455 00:20:37,929 --> 00:20:39,624 Okay. That was funny. 456 00:20:44,070 --> 00:20:45,407 High and tight. 457 00:20:46,848 --> 00:20:48,244 Do you think it's gonna leave a scar? 458 00:20:48,376 --> 00:20:49,982 Tom, women like scars. 459 00:20:50,155 --> 00:20:51,713 Shows you survived an attack, 460 00:20:52,213 --> 00:20:54,613 and they'll assume the attack was from a man. 461 00:20:56,050 --> 00:20:57,856 Sorry, Ron, about everything. 462 00:20:59,888 --> 00:21:02,448 To true love. May we both find it. 463 00:21:02,524 --> 00:21:04,253 I'll drink to that. 464 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:07,218 Nice glasses. 465 00:21:07,695 --> 00:21:09,210 Wedding present from Jerry. 466 00:21:09,364 --> 00:21:10,666 You're not gonna return them? 467 00:21:10,832 --> 00:21:12,527 Nah, too much hassle.