1
00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:10,235
I found this typewriter
next to the courtyard dumpster...
2
00:00:10,236 --> 00:00:13,905
An old Underwood Five
with original carriage return.
3
00:00:13,956 --> 00:00:15,473
Ah.
4
00:00:15,541 --> 00:00:18,076
I took her home, polished her up,
5
00:00:19,016 --> 00:00:23,019
and bought a brand-new ribbon
off of electronicbay.com.
6
00:00:23,086 --> 00:00:26,005
Okay, somebody's got
to do something.
7
00:00:26,073 --> 00:00:27,556
I'm getting a cluster headache.
8
00:00:27,624 --> 00:00:30,559
Oh, whoa, whoa, he's leaving.
9
00:00:30,627 --> 00:00:31,292
Let's go.
10
00:00:31,345 --> 00:00:33,764
I'm gonna throw it away.
11
00:00:33,815 --> 00:00:35,699
No, I'm not.
It weighs a billion tons.
12
00:00:35,767 --> 00:00:37,167
What is he typing anyway?
13
00:00:37,235 --> 00:00:40,103
"If you sons of bitches
try to remove this typewriter,
14
00:00:40,154 --> 00:00:43,106
I'll kill you."
15
00:00:43,174 --> 00:00:47,277
I'm gonna type every word I know.
16
00:00:47,328 --> 00:00:48,512
Rectangle!
17
00:00:48,579 --> 00:00:50,280
America!
18
00:00:50,331 --> 00:00:51,865
Megaphone!
19
00:00:51,949 --> 00:00:54,618
Monday!
20
00:00:54,669 --> 00:00:56,153
Butthole.
21
00:00:59,223 --> 00:01:09,163
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
22
00:01:16,307 --> 00:01:19,359
Well, I hate to be the bearer
of bad tidings,
23
00:01:19,444 --> 00:01:21,895
but these interviews are
more important than we thought.
24
00:01:21,979 --> 00:01:24,364
Harvest fest is two weeks away,
25
00:01:24,449 --> 00:01:26,616
and awareness is still
pretty low.
26
00:01:26,684 --> 00:01:28,018
Boy, 35%.
27
00:01:28,085 --> 00:01:29,786
It's actually 34.2%.
28
00:01:29,854 --> 00:01:31,071
34.2%.
29
00:01:31,155 --> 00:01:32,923
I am Ben, the numbers robot.
30
00:01:32,990 --> 00:01:34,574
It's just
an exact, uh, calculation.
31
00:01:34,659 --> 00:01:36,076
It is just an exact calculation.
32
00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:37,127
All right.
33
00:01:37,195 --> 00:01:39,029
So we're doing a huge media blitz
34
00:01:39,096 --> 00:01:40,881
to publicize
the Harvest Festival,
35
00:01:40,965 --> 00:01:43,834
and we've got TV,
newspaper, radio,
36
00:01:43,901 --> 00:01:46,970
and I even called Oprah.
37
00:01:47,038 --> 00:01:48,905
Well, I tried to call Oprah.
38
00:01:48,973 --> 00:01:50,373
I-I couldn't get her number.
39
00:01:50,424 --> 00:01:53,510
I'm putting it out there
like the secret...
40
00:01:53,578 --> 00:01:56,213
And hopefully she'll call me.
41
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,348
Our first interview
is at 93.7 F.M.
42
00:01:58,416 --> 00:01:59,549
With Crazy Ira and the Douche.
43
00:01:59,617 --> 00:02:02,719
Crazy Ira and the Douche.
44
00:02:02,770 --> 00:02:05,605
They are Pawnee's most
hilarious drive-time radio guys.
45
00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:07,107
So much better than
Tubby Tony and the Papaya.
46
00:02:07,191 --> 00:02:08,241
Am I right?
47
00:02:08,326 --> 00:02:10,026
They're seriously so funny.
48
00:02:10,094 --> 00:02:11,561
Is this right?
49
00:02:11,612 --> 00:02:13,363
This feels almost perfect,
50
00:02:13,414 --> 00:02:17,534
but I don't think your core
has maximized elasticity.
51
00:02:17,585 --> 00:02:19,953
Okay, um, I'll come back
if you guys are being weird.
52
00:02:20,037 --> 00:02:21,404
No, no, no, no!
53
00:02:21,455 --> 00:02:22,956
You're exactly the person
that I most want to talk to
54
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:24,257
right at this moment.
55
00:02:24,342 --> 00:02:26,075
- And Lunge.
- Oh.
56
00:02:26,127 --> 00:02:27,911
Have you given my offer
any more thought?
57
00:02:27,962 --> 00:02:30,847
What exactly would happen
if I said yes?
58
00:02:30,915 --> 00:02:32,916
Well, you would work
at the State House.
59
00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:34,251
You would coordinate
60
00:02:34,318 --> 00:02:35,585
my professional
and personal schedule,
61
00:02:35,653 --> 00:02:37,270
and we would give you
a small relocation fee
62
00:02:37,355 --> 00:02:38,438
for your move to Indianapolis.
63
00:02:38,523 --> 00:02:40,190
Oh, that sounds boring.
64
00:02:40,258 --> 00:02:43,026
But I have
nothing keeping me here.
65
00:02:43,094 --> 00:02:45,061
Do you have Internet
in your office?
66
00:02:45,112 --> 00:02:47,097
Yes.
67
00:02:47,164 --> 00:02:49,032
Fine. I'll do it.
68
00:02:49,099 --> 00:02:50,433
That is literally the best news
69
00:02:50,501 --> 00:02:52,035
that I've heard all day.
70
00:02:52,102 --> 00:02:54,938
Unlike April, I still do not know
71
00:02:55,006 --> 00:02:56,973
what my future holds with Chris,
72
00:02:57,041 --> 00:02:59,910
and it's starting to bum me out.
73
00:02:59,977 --> 00:03:02,278
I need some more vitamin "D."
74
00:03:02,330 --> 00:03:04,113
Yeah.
75
00:03:04,165 --> 00:03:07,667
Oh, hey, crazy.
What was that meeting about?
76
00:03:07,752 --> 00:03:09,920
Oh, it turns out
Chris is my real dad.
77
00:03:09,971 --> 00:03:11,154
I think you're lying.
78
00:03:11,222 --> 00:03:13,122
I think I know
what that meeting was about.
79
00:03:13,174 --> 00:03:15,058
You can't go to Indianapolis.
80
00:03:15,125 --> 00:03:17,027
There's got to be something
that I can do to convince you
81
00:03:17,094 --> 00:03:19,062
how much I care about you.
82
00:03:19,130 --> 00:03:21,531
Tell me
your least favorite things
83
00:03:21,599 --> 00:03:23,900
you have to do every day,
and I'll do them for a month.
84
00:03:23,968 --> 00:03:25,652
Fine.
85
00:03:25,736 --> 00:03:27,704
If you do everything I hate
for a month,
86
00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:30,407
then I might begin to think
about the possibility
87
00:03:30,474 --> 00:03:33,843
of thinking about maybe staying.
88
00:03:33,911 --> 00:03:36,913
That's all I have to hear.
89
00:03:36,981 --> 00:03:40,149
You won't live to regret this.
90
00:03:40,201 --> 00:03:42,752
Unless Andy can un-kiss Ann,
91
00:03:42,820 --> 00:03:45,655
then I'm not gonna change
my mind.
92
00:03:45,723 --> 00:03:47,424
But if he wants to take
my dumb sister
93
00:03:47,491 --> 00:03:48,758
to her dumb dance class,
94
00:03:48,826 --> 00:03:52,762
then I'm not gonna dumb stop him.
95
00:03:52,830 --> 00:03:55,765
Crazy Ira and the Douche...
93.7.
96
00:03:55,833 --> 00:03:58,401
You know why
I'd never be an astronaut?
97
00:03:58,469 --> 00:04:01,187
Two words... space farts.
98
00:04:01,272 --> 00:04:03,974
You can't roll down
the window of the shuttle.
99
00:04:04,041 --> 00:04:05,008
Am I right, folks?
100
00:04:05,059 --> 00:04:06,726
Houston, we have a...
101
00:04:06,811 --> 00:04:08,979
Now, what do you think
about that, Neil Armstrong?
102
00:04:09,030 --> 00:04:12,148
That's one small...
for man.
103
00:04:12,199 --> 00:04:15,552
One giant...
for mankind.
104
00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:17,520
All right, switching gears
here now.
105
00:04:17,588 --> 00:04:20,373
We got Leslie Knope
and Tom Haverfart...
106
00:04:20,458 --> 00:04:22,859
And, uh, Ben Wyatt,
and they're in the hizzy
107
00:04:22,910 --> 00:04:26,997
to talk about an upcoming event
called the Harvest Festival.
108
00:04:27,064 --> 00:04:29,049
Well, the Douche,
it's a Pawnee tradition,
109
00:04:29,133 --> 00:04:32,569
and it's where fun
meets awesome...
110
00:04:32,637 --> 00:04:34,254
Meets agriculture.
111
00:04:34,338 --> 00:04:37,057
And it is going to be
next month right here in Pawnee.
112
00:04:37,141 --> 00:04:38,241
And spoiler alert...
113
00:04:38,309 --> 00:04:40,577
It's gonna have
the best corn maze ever.
114
00:04:40,645 --> 00:04:43,013
You lost your virginity in
a corn maze, didn't you, Douche?
115
00:04:43,064 --> 00:04:44,447
Oh, that's right, to your mom.
116
00:04:46,150 --> 00:04:48,885
Crazy Ira, clean your room!
117
00:04:48,953 --> 00:04:51,237
There's also gonna be hayrides.
118
00:04:51,322 --> 00:04:53,723
"Hey, ride me"...is what
Crazy Ira's mom said.
119
00:04:53,774 --> 00:04:55,391
Stop it!
120
00:04:56,827 --> 00:04:59,245
China Joe, you are a poet.
121
00:05:00,998 --> 00:05:02,432
My bird is missing.
122
00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:04,100
I need a permit to post signs.
123
00:05:04,168 --> 00:05:06,786
Oh, let me just look
for that form.
124
00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:09,205
There's no time!
He can fly!
125
00:05:09,256 --> 00:05:11,474
Nine things April hates to do.
126
00:05:11,542 --> 00:05:13,793
"Number one, run
the permits desk for an hour."
127
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:15,278
That's no problem.
128
00:05:15,346 --> 00:05:17,881
I eat running the permits desk
for an hour for breakfast.
129
00:05:17,948 --> 00:05:19,883
Ow, that's... ow.
130
00:05:19,950 --> 00:05:21,484
- Henry, stop it.
- Ow.
131
00:05:21,552 --> 00:05:24,387
Okay, Henry.
Cute kid.
132
00:05:24,438 --> 00:05:27,290
Andy, got a sec?
133
00:05:27,358 --> 00:05:30,259
- Yeah.
- Henry.
134
00:05:30,311 --> 00:05:32,395
Why are you working
the permits desk?
135
00:05:32,463 --> 00:05:36,282
And why was that child
clubbing your nuggets?
136
00:05:36,367 --> 00:05:39,469
I'm trying to stop April
from taking a job with Chris,
137
00:05:39,537 --> 00:05:42,906
so I'm doing everything she
hates doing for the next month.
138
00:05:42,973 --> 00:05:45,658
- That's going to work?
- She said it might.
139
00:05:45,743 --> 00:05:47,994
But it's all I got, man.
140
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,297
Give me the list.
141
00:05:51,382 --> 00:05:52,749
I'll help you.
142
00:05:52,817 --> 00:05:55,785
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
143
00:05:58,155 --> 00:05:59,823
You got it.
144
00:05:59,890 --> 00:06:01,624
No, I don't care
about their relationship.
145
00:06:01,692 --> 00:06:04,194
I just don't want to lose April.
146
00:06:04,261 --> 00:06:08,398
I would never be able to find
a worse assistant.
147
00:06:08,466 --> 00:06:09,899
Okay, thanks, Leslie.
148
00:06:09,967 --> 00:06:12,535
But you know what
we really want to do today
149
00:06:12,603 --> 00:06:16,139
is have a chat
with Ben Wyatt here.
150
00:06:16,190 --> 00:06:17,540
- Come on, Ben.
- Come on, Ben!
151
00:06:17,608 --> 00:06:19,375
I'm more of a behind
the scenes kind of guy.
152
00:06:19,443 --> 00:06:22,545
Well, it's either come with us
or get in the spank chair.
153
00:06:22,613 --> 00:06:24,347
So maybe it's time
for an interview.
154
00:06:24,415 --> 00:06:26,116
Come on, everybody,
give him a hand.
155
00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:28,585
- Come on over, Ben.
- Oh, yeah.
156
00:06:28,652 --> 00:06:30,837
So this guy, Ben Wyatt,
157
00:06:30,921 --> 00:06:33,006
we're looking him up
on Altavista.
158
00:06:33,090 --> 00:06:37,861
He's from some hick town...
Partridge, Minnesota...
159
00:06:37,928 --> 00:06:42,432
and when he's 18,
he's elected mayor.
160
00:06:45,502 --> 00:06:47,170
♪ ♪
161
00:06:50,507 --> 00:06:52,776
That's funny.
That's funny.
162
00:06:52,843 --> 00:06:54,878
He's 18, becomes the mayor,
163
00:06:54,945 --> 00:06:58,314
and then blows the whole budget
on an ice-skating rink.
164
00:06:58,365 --> 00:06:59,482
City goes bankrupt.
165
00:06:59,533 --> 00:07:02,118
You're out of there.
166
00:07:02,186 --> 00:07:03,686
What did you call it again, Ben?
167
00:07:03,737 --> 00:07:06,523
What was it called? Say it.
168
00:07:06,590 --> 00:07:08,124
Ice Town.
169
00:07:10,527 --> 00:07:12,028
I was just a...
I was a kid,
170
00:07:12,096 --> 00:07:15,632
and, um, when you... you...
171
00:07:15,699 --> 00:07:19,068
you end up getting out there
and, uh... and there's a...
172
00:07:19,136 --> 00:07:21,371
Oh, I really wish you guys
could see this guy right now.
173
00:07:21,438 --> 00:07:23,389
He is "draunched" is sweat.
174
00:07:23,474 --> 00:07:26,476
There's... there's also gonna be
ponies at the Harvest Festival.
175
00:07:26,543 --> 00:07:29,562
All right, let's take a caller
from Douche nation.
176
00:07:29,647 --> 00:07:31,481
- All right, talk to me, caller.
- What's up, guys?
177
00:07:31,548 --> 00:07:33,216
Just douchein' over here
in Eagleton.
178
00:07:33,267 --> 00:07:34,584
Sweet.
179
00:07:34,652 --> 00:07:37,053
Seems like 18
is pretty young for a mayor.
180
00:07:37,121 --> 00:07:40,056
What were you, like, 12?
181
00:07:40,107 --> 00:07:42,158
The funny, um...
182
00:07:42,226 --> 00:07:43,559
When...
183
00:07:43,611 --> 00:07:46,329
I guess...
184
00:07:46,397 --> 00:07:48,748
The fortunate, um...
185
00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:51,401
Can we just sort of...
186
00:07:53,287 --> 00:07:55,471
Game over, man.
Game over.
187
00:07:56,754 --> 00:07:57,677
Nice job, man.
188
00:07:57,797 --> 00:07:59,265
Was that your first time
talking to other people?
189
00:07:59,332 --> 00:08:00,432
'Cause it came off that way.
190
00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:01,867
You embarrassed me
in front of the Douche.
191
00:08:01,918 --> 00:08:03,636
I'm sorry, you guys.
I just... I haven't had to deal
192
00:08:03,703 --> 00:08:05,137
with that mayor stuff
for 17 years.
193
00:08:05,205 --> 00:08:06,472
I guess I'm not totally over it.
194
00:08:06,539 --> 00:08:08,657
No worries. Look, it was just
a bump in the road.
195
00:08:08,725 --> 00:08:10,109
Okay.
196
00:08:10,176 --> 00:08:12,044
Fortunately, the Leslie-mobile
is an all-terrain vehicle.
197
00:08:12,112 --> 00:08:14,313
So everything involving Ben
is fine.
198
00:08:14,380 --> 00:08:15,965
I just need to talk to you
in private
199
00:08:16,032 --> 00:08:19,151
about something different
that is not Ben related.
200
00:08:19,218 --> 00:08:21,403
Ben, good job.
201
00:08:21,488 --> 00:08:24,490
- Your boy's a nightmare.
- I know, but we need him.
202
00:08:24,557 --> 00:08:26,926
If they ask us about the budget,
he's our numbers guy.
203
00:08:26,993 --> 00:08:28,160
Well, we should just slap
204
00:08:28,227 --> 00:08:29,495
a pair of Ray-Bans
on a calculator,
205
00:08:29,562 --> 00:08:30,829
'cause that would be
way more charming.
206
00:08:30,897 --> 00:08:32,498
I'll do the newspaper interview.
207
00:08:32,566 --> 00:08:34,833
You and Ben do Channel 4.
208
00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:37,403
Perd Hapley is a big softy.
It'll be a puff piece.
209
00:08:37,470 --> 00:08:38,504
He can do it.
210
00:08:38,572 --> 00:08:40,572
So how are you liking Pawnee?
211
00:08:40,624 --> 00:08:42,808
Um, there are a lot of...
A lot of cars.
212
00:08:42,876 --> 00:08:45,177
I mean, not too many...
213
00:08:45,245 --> 00:08:47,012
Trucks and stuff.
214
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:49,247
But, uh, yeah.
215
00:08:49,299 --> 00:08:51,116
Cool.
216
00:08:51,184 --> 00:08:53,302
- Good talk, Ice Town.
- Okay.
217
00:08:57,573 --> 00:09:00,292
Wow. Who knew that
watercress, garbanzo beans,
218
00:09:00,376 --> 00:09:02,077
and walnuts could complement
each other so well?
219
00:09:02,145 --> 00:09:04,112
Good dressing too, right?
220
00:09:04,180 --> 00:09:05,480
Flaxseed and agave...
221
00:09:05,548 --> 00:09:08,100
same basic ingredients
as bird feed.
222
00:09:09,852 --> 00:09:13,255
I'm just gonna come right out
and say it.
223
00:09:13,323 --> 00:09:15,123
I want to define your bagua.
224
00:09:15,191 --> 00:09:18,927
- Okay. What's that?
- It's a feng shui term.
225
00:09:18,995 --> 00:09:22,263
The energy in this house
is a little stale,
226
00:09:22,315 --> 00:09:24,783
but I think
I could redefine your flow
227
00:09:24,867 --> 00:09:27,502
in a very positive way.
228
00:09:27,570 --> 00:09:29,655
Great.
I'm not really attached
229
00:09:29,739 --> 00:09:31,456
to the way this stuff is arranged
230
00:09:31,541 --> 00:09:35,377
or the stuff itself
or this house even, really.
231
00:09:35,445 --> 00:09:36,628
Great.
Let's do it.
232
00:09:36,713 --> 00:09:39,298
Am I not being obvious enough?
233
00:09:39,382 --> 00:09:41,183
I feel like I'm being obvious.
234
00:09:41,250 --> 00:09:42,818
This just in.
235
00:09:42,885 --> 00:09:45,320
Harvest Festival?
More like Harvest "Bestival."
236
00:09:45,388 --> 00:09:47,222
The Parks Department
has planted the seeds,
237
00:09:47,290 --> 00:09:49,291
and now they're
harvesting the rewards.
238
00:09:49,359 --> 00:09:50,792
Great, you done?
239
00:09:50,843 --> 00:09:52,678
They'll put the "fun"
in funnel cake.
240
00:09:52,762 --> 00:09:53,795
Okay, now I'm done.
241
00:09:53,846 --> 00:09:55,964
- Tell me about Ben Wyatt.
- Sure.
242
00:09:56,032 --> 00:09:57,399
He works
for the state government,
243
00:09:57,467 --> 00:09:59,484
and he's been coming to advise
us about our budget.
244
00:09:59,569 --> 00:10:00,769
Oh, come on, Leslie.
245
00:10:00,837 --> 00:10:02,521
The Douche blew the story
wide open.
246
00:10:02,605 --> 00:10:04,673
Ben Wyatt bankrupts a town
and then comes to Pawnee
247
00:10:04,741 --> 00:10:06,174
to tell us
how to spend our money?
248
00:10:06,242 --> 00:10:07,576
There's no story here, Shauna.
249
00:10:07,644 --> 00:10:09,494
He's just
a dedicated civil servant
250
00:10:09,579 --> 00:10:11,363
who's doing whatever he can
to make sure
251
00:10:11,447 --> 00:10:14,833
that this is the best
Harvest Festival ever.
252
00:10:14,917 --> 00:10:18,320
And he's easy on the eyes too.
253
00:10:18,388 --> 00:10:20,856
Um, what exactly is the nature
of your relationship with him?
254
00:10:20,923 --> 00:10:22,758
Strictly professional,
just friends.
255
00:10:22,825 --> 00:10:24,192
So are you colleagues,
or are you friends?
256
00:10:24,260 --> 00:10:28,263
We are colleagues with benefits.
257
00:10:28,331 --> 00:10:31,366
We're colleagues
who benefit from the fact
258
00:10:31,434 --> 00:10:33,035
that we're also friends.
259
00:10:33,102 --> 00:10:35,854
I'm sorry, Shauna.
I think I need to go.
260
00:10:35,938 --> 00:10:37,539
But, um, thank you so much.
261
00:10:37,607 --> 00:10:39,224
And as always, everything
I said is off the record.
262
00:10:39,308 --> 00:10:40,342
Okay? Bye.
263
00:10:40,410 --> 00:10:42,894
What's the next task?
264
00:10:42,979 --> 00:10:44,613
Oh, we have to write her
grandmother a thank-you note
265
00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:46,231
for a birthday check.
266
00:10:46,315 --> 00:10:48,016
It has to be really good, too,
'cause it's five months late.
267
00:10:48,084 --> 00:10:49,618
Never written
a thank-you note before.
268
00:10:49,685 --> 00:10:50,786
This will be fun.
269
00:10:50,853 --> 00:10:52,621
What does she call her?
270
00:10:52,689 --> 00:10:54,689
Gamma.
No, Nannaw.
271
00:10:54,741 --> 00:10:56,591
Or Nanna...
Gizmo.
272
00:10:56,659 --> 00:10:58,427
Something like that.
273
00:11:01,414 --> 00:11:03,331
This is for your Gizmo.
274
00:11:03,383 --> 00:11:05,767
I think you'll find
it's pretty good.
275
00:11:05,835 --> 00:11:07,803
"Dear April's grandmother."
276
00:11:07,870 --> 00:11:09,471
I said grandfather.
277
00:11:09,538 --> 00:11:11,840
Oh. Oops.
Okay.
278
00:11:11,908 --> 00:11:13,875
"You are a beautiful
and amazing woman... " Man.
279
00:11:13,926 --> 00:11:16,111
"I hope someday I can become
half the woman you are."
280
00:11:16,179 --> 00:11:17,245
He's a man.
281
00:11:17,313 --> 00:11:18,380
"Thank you for the $500."
282
00:11:18,448 --> 00:11:19,548
It was $5.
283
00:11:19,615 --> 00:11:21,266
"Enjoy the mouse rat CD."
284
00:11:21,350 --> 00:11:24,269
He is deaf.
285
00:11:24,353 --> 00:11:27,823
Okay, do you want me to make
those changes, or is it good?
286
00:11:27,890 --> 00:11:29,357
Before we do this next interview,
287
00:11:29,409 --> 00:11:31,243
there's a little secret
I want to let you in on.
288
00:11:31,327 --> 00:11:33,561
It's called
the Haverford Schmooze.
289
00:11:33,613 --> 00:11:35,130
I was just caught off guard.
I'm fine.
290
00:11:35,198 --> 00:11:36,331
Three easy steps...
291
00:11:36,398 --> 00:11:38,033
Smile...
292
00:11:38,084 --> 00:11:41,536
Friendly physical contact,
and flattery.
293
00:11:41,587 --> 00:11:44,506
Hey, Perd, is your dad Robocop?
'Cause you're arms are guns.
294
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:46,541
Robocop didn't have
guns for arms.
295
00:11:46,592 --> 00:11:48,677
Oh, my God. That's so
not the point, you nerd.
296
00:11:48,744 --> 00:11:51,129
I'm just saying.
Why are we going to a mall?
297
00:11:51,214 --> 00:11:52,798
I'm getting you a new suit.
298
00:11:52,882 --> 00:11:54,466
I've let this go on long enough.
299
00:11:54,550 --> 00:11:56,635
- I like this suit.
- You shouldn't...
300
00:11:56,719 --> 00:11:58,637
'Cause it looks like garbage.
301
00:11:58,721 --> 00:12:00,856
Your suit looks
more like garbage.
302
00:12:00,923 --> 00:12:02,307
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
303
00:12:02,391 --> 00:12:04,926
'Cause Brooks Brothers Boys
doesn't make garbage.
304
00:12:04,994 --> 00:12:07,863
Okay, this next thing is
a photography-class assignment.
305
00:12:07,930 --> 00:12:09,030
Can you figure that out?
306
00:12:09,098 --> 00:12:12,033
"Encapsulate the spirit
of melancholy."
307
00:12:12,101 --> 00:12:13,502
- Melancholy.
- Give me this.
308
00:12:13,569 --> 00:12:14,770
Easy.
309
00:12:14,837 --> 00:12:16,771
Boom... a sad desk.
310
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:20,008
Boom... sad wall.
311
00:12:20,076 --> 00:12:22,494
It's art.
Anything is anything.
312
00:12:22,578 --> 00:12:23,912
Oh, right on.
313
00:12:23,980 --> 00:12:25,380
Uh, I'm gonna go drop this off
and pick up the mail.
314
00:12:25,447 --> 00:12:27,816
Sad floor.
315
00:12:27,884 --> 00:12:30,502
It does look sad...
Kind of.
316
00:12:30,586 --> 00:12:33,839
Sorry for stepping on you, floor.
317
00:12:36,592 --> 00:12:37,859
Hey.
318
00:12:37,927 --> 00:12:39,494
You got Andy
doing all your work for you?
319
00:12:39,562 --> 00:12:42,197
Yes. But he said
he wanted to do it.
320
00:12:42,265 --> 00:12:44,032
I'm only doing it
because I'm getting...
321
00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:45,150
Yeah, I don't care.
322
00:12:45,234 --> 00:12:46,735
I got something to add
to your list.
323
00:12:46,802 --> 00:12:49,838
Yep.
There we go.
324
00:12:49,906 --> 00:12:51,540
That's the stuff.
325
00:12:51,607 --> 00:12:54,159
April really does this every day?
326
00:12:54,243 --> 00:12:56,178
Yes.
Work the heel.
327
00:12:56,245 --> 00:12:57,496
Andy, can I be next?
328
00:12:57,580 --> 00:12:59,480
Yeah.
329
00:12:59,532 --> 00:13:02,918
I've got a corn so big
you could slap butter on it.
330
00:13:02,985 --> 00:13:05,486
Welcome to Ya' Heard with Perd.
331
00:13:05,538 --> 00:13:06,822
I'm Perd Hapley.
332
00:13:06,889 --> 00:13:08,990
The story of our guests today
is that they are
333
00:13:09,058 --> 00:13:10,992
from the Department
of Parks and Recreation...
334
00:13:11,060 --> 00:13:12,594
Ben Wyatt and Tom Haverford.
335
00:13:12,662 --> 00:13:14,763
What up, Perd?
Big fan.
336
00:13:14,831 --> 00:13:17,599
Me too, Perd.
What up?
337
00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:19,267
The thing about
this first question is...
338
00:13:19,335 --> 00:13:21,669
I'd like to ask you
about the Harvest Festival.
339
00:13:21,721 --> 00:13:23,672
Perd, it's gonna be amazing...
340
00:13:23,739 --> 00:13:25,106
Carnival rides, games.
341
00:13:25,174 --> 00:13:28,443
Sweetums is even building
a plus-sized roller coaster
342
00:13:28,511 --> 00:13:30,812
for some of Pawnee's obese
thrill seekers.
343
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,347
You must be this wide to ride.
344
00:13:32,415 --> 00:13:35,217
Wow. That's gonna be
a pretty big roller coaster.
345
00:13:35,284 --> 00:13:37,185
Yep.
346
00:13:37,253 --> 00:13:38,686
Hey, guys, how'd it go?
347
00:13:38,738 --> 00:13:40,688
Well, there were
some sticky moments.
348
00:13:40,740 --> 00:13:43,058
Let's go to the videotape.
349
00:13:43,125 --> 00:13:44,860
Ah! Look...
350
00:13:44,927 --> 00:13:46,695
Who hasn't had gay thoughts?
351
00:13:46,762 --> 00:13:47,963
Who?
352
00:13:48,030 --> 00:13:49,247
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
353
00:13:49,332 --> 00:13:50,599
I mean, you know,
sometimes I feel like
354
00:13:50,666 --> 00:13:51,766
I might need glasses.
355
00:13:51,834 --> 00:13:54,302
Is there a bird in here?
356
00:13:54,370 --> 00:13:56,755
I swear I keep seeing a bird
in the studio.
357
00:13:56,839 --> 00:13:58,306
How did this happen?
358
00:13:58,374 --> 00:13:59,975
He was fine until Perd
started asking him
359
00:14:00,042 --> 00:14:01,376
about the boy-mayor stuff.
360
00:14:01,427 --> 00:14:03,478
What's wrong with you?
You look psychotic.
361
00:14:03,546 --> 00:14:05,981
I was 18
when I was elected mayor, okay?
362
00:14:06,048 --> 00:14:08,149
So excuse me for that.
363
00:14:08,217 --> 00:14:10,318
Cindy Eckert had just turned me
down for senior prom.
364
00:14:10,386 --> 00:14:12,153
Do you know how that feel...
I should call her.
365
00:14:12,221 --> 00:14:13,989
I should. I...
No, I shouldn't.
366
00:14:14,056 --> 00:14:17,075
And I'm not going to, and
I'm proud of myself for that.
367
00:14:17,159 --> 00:14:19,828
And then he talked
about feeling up Cindy Eckert
368
00:14:19,896 --> 00:14:22,163
for the first time
for about five minutes.
369
00:14:22,231 --> 00:14:23,832
And then the show ended...
370
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:26,334
As did our careers
and probably Harvest Fest.
371
00:14:28,170 --> 00:14:30,739
Boom... sadness.
That's the one.
372
00:14:34,632 --> 00:14:36,446
Natalie. Hey.
373
00:14:36,566 --> 00:14:37,733
It's me, Andy.
374
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,318
You're an hour and half late.
375
00:14:39,386 --> 00:14:40,386
I know. I know.
376
00:14:40,454 --> 00:14:42,288
I had to massage a ton of feet...
377
00:14:42,339 --> 00:14:43,890
Super sorry.
378
00:14:43,958 --> 00:14:45,992
Come on, get in. I-I need to do
everything on April's list,
379
00:14:46,060 --> 00:14:47,827
or she's not gonna
go out with me.
380
00:14:47,895 --> 00:14:49,562
You're into April?
381
00:14:49,630 --> 00:14:51,097
Ah.
Come on.
382
00:14:51,148 --> 00:14:52,649
We'll talk about it in the car.
383
00:14:52,733 --> 00:14:54,300
Hold on.
I'll get my books.
384
00:14:54,351 --> 00:14:55,735
Okay.
385
00:14:55,803 --> 00:14:58,188
Okay, great.
Call me.
386
00:14:58,255 --> 00:15:00,907
That should be
some damage control.
387
00:15:00,975 --> 00:15:02,208
I'm having dinner
with Perd Hapley.
388
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:03,393
Tom, what do we have?
389
00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:05,345
I've gotten calls
from a dozen businesses
390
00:15:05,412 --> 00:15:06,880
thinking about pulling
their sponsorships.
391
00:15:06,947 --> 00:15:08,331
Sweetums might cancel
the fat-coaster.
392
00:15:08,415 --> 00:15:09,415
Oh, my God.
393
00:15:09,483 --> 00:15:11,017
Okay, look, we need to focus.
394
00:15:11,085 --> 00:15:12,752
We still have
the Pawnee Today interview.
395
00:15:12,819 --> 00:15:14,320
Well, is it too late to cancel?
396
00:15:14,388 --> 00:15:17,340
Yeah, yeah,
it's too late to cancel.
397
00:15:17,424 --> 00:15:19,492
Joan Callamezzo runs this town.
398
00:15:19,543 --> 00:15:20,727
But, Ben, don't worry about it.
399
00:15:20,794 --> 00:15:21,995
You're not going
in front of the camera.
400
00:15:22,062 --> 00:15:23,680
Fine with me.
401
00:15:23,764 --> 00:15:25,882
Are you trying to lure
this young lady into your van?
402
00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:27,517
Yeah.
403
00:15:27,601 --> 00:15:29,669
But she's being
really difficult about it.
404
00:15:29,737 --> 00:15:32,038
Uh, and it's actually not my van.
405
00:15:32,106 --> 00:15:34,040
Uh, I stole it
from a friend of mine.
406
00:15:34,108 --> 00:15:35,841
I technically
shouldn't be even driving,
407
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:39,412
because, uh, my license
is crazy expired.
408
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:42,015
That's, uh, Dwyer.
409
00:15:42,082 --> 00:15:44,484
D-w-y-e-r.
410
00:15:44,535 --> 00:15:45,818
Oh, dude!
411
00:15:45,870 --> 00:15:48,054
Come on,
I got to get out of here!
412
00:15:48,122 --> 00:15:50,623
Natalie, tell this guy
you know me.
413
00:15:53,527 --> 00:15:54,661
Joan!
414
00:15:54,728 --> 00:15:56,596
Oh, I thought
you were Jennifer Aniston
415
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:58,298
filming a movie here.
416
00:15:59,633 --> 00:16:01,367
Joan, let's make a pact, okay?
417
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:03,970
If we're both still single
in an hour, let's get married.
418
00:16:04,038 --> 00:16:05,722
Tom, I'm already married.
419
00:16:05,806 --> 00:16:07,223
Oh, that's right, to Seal.
420
00:16:07,308 --> 00:16:09,108
Oh, I confused you
with Heidi Klum again.
421
00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:11,895
- Oh!
- See you later, Joan.
422
00:16:11,979 --> 00:16:13,546
That's how it's done.
423
00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:15,081
Okay, five, four...
424
00:16:15,149 --> 00:16:18,017
Hello, and welcome
to Pawnee Today.
425
00:16:18,085 --> 00:16:19,852
I'm Joan Callamezzo.
426
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,688
Today's guest is Leslie Knope,
427
00:16:21,755 --> 00:16:24,190
who is here to tell us
how this year's Harvest Festival
428
00:16:24,258 --> 00:16:26,359
is going to bankrupt the city.
429
00:16:26,427 --> 00:16:28,328
Well, Joan, actually,
there's a lot
430
00:16:28,395 --> 00:16:30,330
of false information
flying around.
431
00:16:30,397 --> 00:16:32,565
- The Harvest Festival is...
- Just jumping right in.
432
00:16:32,633 --> 00:16:33,967
That's rude.
433
00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:35,501
I just want everyone to know
434
00:16:35,569 --> 00:16:37,370
what an extraordinary event
this is going to be.
435
00:16:37,421 --> 00:16:39,606
But at what cost?
436
00:16:39,673 --> 00:16:42,425
How many cities
does Ben Wyatt need to destroy
437
00:16:42,509 --> 00:16:44,377
before he's put behind bars?
438
00:16:44,445 --> 00:16:45,945
Ben Wyatt has done nothing wrong.
439
00:16:46,013 --> 00:16:49,515
You know, if you want to ask
him questions,
440
00:16:49,583 --> 00:16:50,850
let's go for it, huh?
441
00:16:50,918 --> 00:16:52,652
Just ask any question
about his past or present.
442
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,437
Just get it over with.
Ben, let's get up here.
443
00:16:54,521 --> 00:16:56,356
Yeah, yeah, come on.
444
00:16:56,423 --> 00:16:57,857
We'll just ask him
a bunch of questions,
445
00:16:57,925 --> 00:16:59,692
and then we'll get everything
cleared and out of the way.
446
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:00,994
Sound good?
Yeah?
447
00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:02,111
- Great.
- Good.
448
00:17:02,196 --> 00:17:03,730
Uh, let's take some calls, Joan.
449
00:17:03,781 --> 00:17:05,098
Why don't you?
450
00:17:05,165 --> 00:17:06,566
Okay.
Uh, caller, are you there?
451
00:17:06,617 --> 00:17:09,669
Yeah, how can you justify
raising taxes
452
00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:12,272
for something
that will hurt the town?
453
00:17:12,339 --> 00:17:15,508
I...
454
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,844
For...
455
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:20,713
Uh, just to add
to what Ben's stammering about,
456
00:17:20,781 --> 00:17:23,182
um, we aren't going
to raise taxes,
457
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,618
so that's that.
458
00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:26,753
Next caller.
459
00:17:28,389 --> 00:17:30,857
Do you fish, April?
460
00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:32,625
No.
Fish are gross.
461
00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:34,560
Let me give you
a piece of fishing advice.
462
00:17:34,628 --> 00:17:35,728
I said I don't...
463
00:17:35,796 --> 00:17:37,013
When you have a fish on the line,
464
00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:38,398
you don't just drag it
behind the boat.
465
00:17:38,465 --> 00:17:41,534
You either reel it in,
or you cut him loose,
466
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,569
especially if he's a nice fish
467
00:17:43,637 --> 00:17:45,338
with a big, lovable fish heart.
468
00:17:45,406 --> 00:17:47,273
You don't know
what you're talking about.
469
00:17:47,324 --> 00:17:50,543
Maybe not.
Maybe you really do hate Andy.
470
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:54,147
Maybe moving to Indianapolis
just to get revenge on him
471
00:17:54,214 --> 00:17:56,482
is a really good idea.
472
00:17:56,550 --> 00:17:59,052
What do I know?
473
00:18:05,492 --> 00:18:07,527
You are going to love this.
474
00:18:07,594 --> 00:18:11,064
Verosian tea really supercharges
the bacteria in your colon.
475
00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:13,332
Plus, it smells interesting.
Waft it.
476
00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:15,668
Are we actually ever
gonna drink it,
477
00:18:15,736 --> 00:18:17,303
or we're just gonna sniff it?
478
00:18:17,354 --> 00:18:19,338
I love sniffing.
Don't get me wrong.
479
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:22,308
You are hilarious.
480
00:18:22,359 --> 00:18:24,360
So you're leaving soon.
481
00:18:24,445 --> 00:18:26,746
Um, back to Indianapolis briefly
482
00:18:26,814 --> 00:18:29,198
and then on to a town
called Snerling, Indiana,
483
00:18:29,283 --> 00:18:30,383
for several months.
484
00:18:30,451 --> 00:18:31,784
Never heard of it.
485
00:18:31,852 --> 00:18:33,119
It's quite small.
486
00:18:33,186 --> 00:18:35,121
The cows outnumber the people
40 to 1.
487
00:18:35,189 --> 00:18:37,156
It sounds amazing.
488
00:18:37,224 --> 00:18:39,024
I like you a lot.
489
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:42,061
I love spending time with you.
490
00:18:42,129 --> 00:18:44,630
And I thoroughly
enjoy you, Ann Perkins.
491
00:18:44,698 --> 00:18:48,801
I just think we need to talk
about what that means for us.
492
00:18:48,869 --> 00:18:50,303
I don't want to be clingy.
I...
493
00:18:50,370 --> 00:18:52,338
Please, it is something
that we need to figure out,
494
00:18:52,389 --> 00:18:54,440
and we should do that right now.
495
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:58,811
I'm so happy you said that.
496
00:18:58,879 --> 00:19:00,480
Wow, that's disgusting.
497
00:19:00,547 --> 00:19:03,916
Yes, it's very hard to drink.
498
00:19:05,586 --> 00:19:07,587
Yeah, why should we trust
this Ben Wyatt guy?
499
00:19:07,654 --> 00:19:09,822
Because I'm trusty.
500
00:19:09,890 --> 00:19:11,624
Trust me.
I'm trustworthy.
501
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:16,162
And I am working very hard to...
502
00:19:16,230 --> 00:19:19,465
Make sure that this town
gets back on its feet.
503
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:21,066
There we go.
Okay, great.
504
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,201
Next caller.
505
00:19:22,252 --> 00:19:24,003
So I looked you up on Altavista,
506
00:19:24,071 --> 00:19:25,671
and I found out
that the last seven towns
507
00:19:25,739 --> 00:19:27,840
you've gone to ended up bankrupt.
508
00:19:27,908 --> 00:19:29,092
Okay, first of all,
509
00:19:29,176 --> 00:19:32,345
why does everyone in this town
use Altavista?
510
00:19:32,413 --> 00:19:34,480
Is it 1997?
511
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,916
And second,
I am a budget specialist.
512
00:19:36,984 --> 00:19:39,786
I went to those towns
because they were bankrupt,
513
00:19:39,853 --> 00:19:41,521
and now they aren't.
514
00:19:41,588 --> 00:19:43,556
And, yeah, I screwed up
when I was 18,
515
00:19:43,607 --> 00:19:46,692
but who doesn't do dumb stuff
when they're 18?
516
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:48,861
- Joan?
- I stole my...
517
00:19:48,929 --> 00:19:52,131
gym teacher's husband.
518
00:19:52,199 --> 00:19:54,867
So there you go.
519
00:19:54,935 --> 00:19:57,737
Well, what else
do you got, callers?
520
00:19:57,788 --> 00:19:58,805
Going once, going twi...
521
00:19:58,872 --> 00:20:01,073
- Oh, here we go.
- Yeah, hi.
522
00:20:01,125 --> 00:20:02,708
Um, can you tell me more
about the corn maze
523
00:20:02,776 --> 00:20:04,043
at the Harvest Festival?
524
00:20:04,111 --> 00:20:05,511
Are dogs allowed?
525
00:20:08,549 --> 00:20:10,183
- Hello.
- Hello.
526
00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:11,684
How did it go today?
527
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:13,085
It was super fun.
528
00:20:13,153 --> 00:20:14,620
- It was?
- Yeah.
529
00:20:14,688 --> 00:20:17,056
Do you have a list for tomorrow?
530
00:20:18,625 --> 00:20:20,393
You want to do this again
tomorrow?
531
00:20:20,461 --> 00:20:22,061
Yes, I do.
I mean, that's the deal, right?
532
00:20:22,129 --> 00:20:23,429
I got to do it for a whole month
533
00:20:23,497 --> 00:20:27,200
and then you're not gonna move
to Indianapolis...
534
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:32,805
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
535
00:20:33,473 --> 00:20:35,274
I better be the only person
you kissed today.
536
00:20:35,342 --> 00:20:37,243
I am...
537
00:20:37,311 --> 00:20:39,278
I'm positive that you are.
538
00:20:42,532 --> 00:20:43,635
If I thought you were serious,
539
00:20:43,636 --> 00:20:45,102
I'd be offended, Perd,
but I know that we're buddies,
540
00:20:45,169 --> 00:20:47,286
and I know
you wouldn't do that to me.
541
00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:50,106
But, no, this is a birthmark,
Perd, okay?
542
00:20:50,173 --> 00:20:52,274
This is the little scar I got
when I was nine
543
00:20:52,342 --> 00:20:55,928
and I fell off my bike,
so, no, I'm not perfect!
544
00:20:56,012 --> 00:20:58,097
- I can't look away.
- It's a... it's amazing.
545
00:20:58,181 --> 00:20:59,915
Okay, wait, wait, wait, no.
Here's the best part.
546
00:20:59,983 --> 00:21:03,452
Okay, uh, that's all the time
we have here on Ya' Heard.
547
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:05,604
I'm Perd Hapley, Channel 4.
548
00:21:05,689 --> 00:21:08,140
More like "Turd Crapley."
549
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:09,825
- Yes, yes.
- Yeah?
550
00:21:09,893 --> 00:21:12,094
- Bravo.
- Thank you very much.