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Pawnee is, as you all know,
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the fourth most obese city
in America.
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Soon to be number three.
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We're coming for you, San Antonio.
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No, we are not.
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We are slimming down...
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Starting right here at City Hall.
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I am implementing
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a government-wide health initiative.
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We could have
a City Hall dodgeball league.
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I have first pick, and my pick is Ron.
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Great idea. Keep 'em coming.
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Now, if anybody would like to join me,
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I will be running backwards
up the big hill
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behind the Wal-Mart.
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Don't freak out,
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but Joe from sewage just
unhooked your bra with his eyes.
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What? Oh, boy.
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Hi, Joe. What's up, Knope?
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Looking good these days.
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What do you say? Van's out back.
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Let's roll.
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- Where's this coming from?
- I don't know.
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You're putting out some vibe today.
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It's just driving me crazy.
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Listen, if you're looking
for a good time,
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why don't you come on down
to the toilet party?
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That's what we call
the sewage department.
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Great. Okay.
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Liking the view.
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- Still got it, Joe.
- No, you don't.
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Corrected by www.addic7ed.com
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Christopher, got a second?
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Oh, hey, Ron.
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Listen, I've eaten
a commissary hamburger
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for lunch every day for 12 years.
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I just wanted to make sure
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this pointless health crusade
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won't affect the only part
of my job that I like.
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Oh, no, those hamburgers are gone.
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Red meat can cause sluggishness,
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heart disease, even impotence.
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Has the opposite effect on me.
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You ever tried a turkey burger?
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Is that a fried turkey leg
inside a grilled hamburger?
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If so, yes. Delicious.
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A turkey burger--you take
lean ground turkey meat,
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and you make that into a
burger, instead of red meat.
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Why would anyone do that
to themselves?
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What if I told you that
I could make a turkey burger
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that tastes better than any
other burger you've ever had?
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Challenge accepted--
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Cook-off later today in the courtyard.
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If I win, hamburgers remain
in the commissary.
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What do I get if I win?
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The rarest jewel of all--
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Victory over me, Ron Swanson.
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I like that. We're on.
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You know, I can't
believe I'm saying this,
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but I actually checked out that,
uh--that snow globe museum
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that you recommended,
and it was pretty awesome,
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I have to say.
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I mean, I did get in trouble
for shaking one.
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Yeah, I'm not allowed there anymore.
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So I have some ideas
for the health initiative.
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Okay. How about I swing by later,
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and we'll just, you know,
maybe go over everything?
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Or we could go out after work--
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You know, go to JJ's
or something, grab a bite.
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Um, I-I don't think I can.
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But why don't we just talk
about it later
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in this building?
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Okay? All right.
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But, uh, you're great,
and you have great ideas,
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and...
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Um...
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Uh, bye.
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Bye, babe.
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Hey, I brought
this cholesterol-testing kit
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for the health thing.
Okay, let's do it.
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So I asked Ben out to dinner,
and he said no.
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What? He seemed really into you.
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What did he say exactly?
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He was like, "huh? What?
Huh? Oh. Bye."
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And then he walked into an
office that wasn't his.
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Oh. You know what?
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If he doesn't want to go out
with you, he's nuts.
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You're awesome, and there's a
million other guys out there.
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I have been having so much fun
just dating a bunch of people.
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I know. Who was that guy
you were talking to out there
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and then also kissing? I was--
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Crap on a crayfish.
That really stings.
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I haven't pricked you yet.
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Oh, sorry. I was just picturing it.
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You know what?
Maybe you need to cast a wider net.
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Have you thought
about Internet dating?
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Really? I don't think that's for me.
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Aah! You're a monster.
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Still haven't done it yet.
You know what?
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I'll help you set up a profile.
It'll be fun.
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All right, yeah, let's do it.
Okay, good.
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- I'm glad that's over.
- Oh, it's not.
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You, Ann!
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Who the hell is "Forp"?
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I don't know.
I couldn't really hear him.
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It sounded like his name was Forp.
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- You get his number?
- No.
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Good girl.
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Ron Swanson.
April Ludgate.
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Hey, I'm just gonna pop over
to grain 'n simple
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to get the very best
ingredients for my burger.
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- Do you want to come?
- What is grain 'n simple?
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It's a health-food store.
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Pawnee doesn't have
a health-food store.
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No, but Snerling does, and
it's only a 40-minute drive.
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What are you doing, Andy?
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I'm getting healthier snacks
for the shoeshine stand.
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Chris is a food genius.
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Did you know that the food
you eat becomes energy?
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Yeah. Boom! That's spaghetti.
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Nachos.
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That's a cookie.
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That's my husband.
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- See you tomorrow?
- Okay.
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Is that a different guy from earlier?
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- What?
- Never mind.
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You ready to rock this profile?
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All right.
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Yellow-haired female
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likes waffles and news.
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Sexy, well-read blonde
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loves the sweeter things in life.
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Much better.
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- Hobbies?
- Organizing my agenda.
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Wait, that doesn't sound fun.
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Um, jamming on my planner.
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Favorite place?
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Upstairs there's this mural
of wildflowers,
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and I like to sit on a bench
in front of it.
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Really?
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It could be anywhere in the world--
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Paris, Hawaii,
the Grand Canyon.
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No, just the bench
in front of the mural.
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What about, like,
an actual meadow
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- where wildflowers are?
- Ew, Ann.
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I'm scared of bees. Mural.
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Okay, what do you think of dogs?
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Love.
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- Cats.
- Love.
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- Fish.
- Love.
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Turtles.
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No opinion.
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They're condescending.
154
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Describe your ideal man.
155
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He's dark and mysterious,
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and he can sing,
and he plays the organ.
157
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I think you just described
the Phantom of the Opera.
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Mm.
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Ah, Nirvana. Hey, guys.
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00:05:53,814 --> 00:05:54,914
Hey, Chris.
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Amber, Annie, Bill, Johnny.
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No, I don't plan to buy anything here.
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I buy my burger ingredients
at food and stuff,
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a discount-food outlet
equidistant from my home
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and my work.
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I came here for the same
reason people go to the zoo.
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Shh.
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Look at that thing.
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Nature is amazing.
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Okay. Oh, my God.
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A 98% match.
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That's a soul-mate-level match.
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I've never seen anything
this high before.
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Awesome.
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Okay. I know what you're thinking.
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And you know what?
You have to forget about Ben.
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He had his chance, and he blew it.
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This computer could have found
the future Mr. Leslie Knope.
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Yeah. Okay...
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Entire universe of guys
I might date,
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let's see what you got.
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Ah!
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00:06:52,569 --> 00:06:54,665
This is Craig at hoosiermate.com.
How can I help you?
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00:06:54,675 --> 00:06:56,843
Craig, your service is crap.
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- Can you be more specific?
- Yes.
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Your soul-mate match
was totally wrong for me.
187
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I mean, I like him as a friend
and everything,
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but I'd never go out with him.
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He's like a little sister to me.
190
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We have a very sophisticated algorithm
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00:07:06,086 --> 00:07:08,021
that's paired up thousands of couples.
192
00:07:08,055 --> 00:07:09,489
I actually met my wife on the site.
193
00:07:09,523 --> 00:07:10,823
Really? Well, that's not gonna last.
194
00:07:10,858 --> 00:07:11,991
- Excuse me?
- You heard me.
195
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Your marriage is a sham.
Good-bye, Craig.
196
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See you, sweetheart.
197
00:07:17,731 --> 00:07:19,098
Wow, he seems nice.
198
00:07:19,133 --> 00:07:21,100
Eh. He kind of lives in a barn.
199
00:07:21,135 --> 00:07:22,235
- What's up?
- What's wrong with me?
200
00:07:22,269 --> 00:07:24,937
Why do good guys hate me
and gross guys love me?
201
00:07:24,972 --> 00:07:26,172
Diagnose me.
You're a nurse.
202
00:07:26,206 --> 00:07:28,007
There's nothing wrong with you.
203
00:07:28,042 --> 00:07:31,010
You are an intelligent,
classy, attractive woman.
204
00:07:31,045 --> 00:07:33,446
But for whatever reason,
right now
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00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,015
only douche-y guys are buying
what you're selling.
206
00:07:36,050 --> 00:07:39,919
So I should go and ask them
what they think I'm selling.
207
00:07:39,953 --> 00:07:42,422
A douche-vestigation.
208
00:07:42,456 --> 00:07:43,456
Nice.
209
00:07:43,490 --> 00:07:45,224
Hi, Joe.
210
00:07:45,259 --> 00:07:46,959
I know you're gonna take this
the wrong way,
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00:07:46,994 --> 00:07:48,361
but can I talk to you
for a second?
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00:07:48,395 --> 00:07:51,364
You can do anything to me
for any number of seconds.
213
00:07:51,398 --> 00:07:52,932
- Hmm.
- Would you like to talk outside
214
00:07:52,966 --> 00:07:55,034
- in my van?
- No. Here's fine.
215
00:07:55,069 --> 00:07:59,138
I was flattered
by what you said earlier.
216
00:07:59,173 --> 00:08:02,108
And I was just wondering, what
do you look for in a woman?
217
00:08:02,142 --> 00:08:05,144
She can't be in a wheelchair,
218
00:08:05,179 --> 00:08:06,913
no canes, no gray hair.
219
00:08:06,947 --> 00:08:08,247
So basically
you're just attracted to me
220
00:08:08,282 --> 00:08:09,549
because I'm not an elderly person.
221
00:08:09,583 --> 00:08:10,817
Yeah.
222
00:08:10,851 --> 00:08:13,052
And as I aforementioned,
223
00:08:13,087 --> 00:08:15,121
you have a killer dumpster.
224
00:08:17,157 --> 00:08:19,792
What does this do?
225
00:08:25,632 --> 00:08:28,167
Would you like to sample
our vegan bacon?
226
00:08:28,202 --> 00:08:29,669
100% meatless.
227
00:08:29,703 --> 00:08:31,704
Yes, please.
228
00:08:35,442 --> 00:08:37,844
Another, please.
229
00:08:37,878 --> 00:08:41,848
Sure.
230
00:08:41,882 --> 00:08:43,449
S-sir, is there a problem?
231
00:08:43,484 --> 00:08:46,652
I'm just making sure
no one ever has to eat this.
232
00:08:46,687 --> 00:08:48,955
I-I don't think
I can give you anymore.
233
00:08:48,989 --> 00:08:50,223
I want one.
234
00:08:55,162 --> 00:08:56,796
Yeah, I'm calling to lodge a complaint
235
00:08:56,830 --> 00:08:59,532
about the seaweed and almond
under-eye cream
236
00:08:59,566 --> 00:09:01,167
I purchased from you guys.
237
00:09:01,201 --> 00:09:03,436
Oh, my problem is it smells terrible.
238
00:09:03,470 --> 00:09:05,671
Yeah, I even mixed it
with another under-eye cream,
239
00:09:05,706 --> 00:09:08,274
and it still smelled,
so I ruined two eye creams.
240
00:09:08,308 --> 00:09:11,644
Yes, I will hold.
241
00:09:11,678 --> 00:09:14,113
♪ Forever young ♪
242
00:09:14,148 --> 00:09:15,615
♪ I want to be ♪
243
00:09:15,649 --> 00:09:18,017
♪ forever young ♪
244
00:09:18,051 --> 00:09:19,852
♪ do you really want to live ♪
245
00:09:19,887 --> 00:09:21,020
♪ forever? ♪
246
00:09:22,856 --> 00:09:24,190
What's this?
247
00:09:24,224 --> 00:09:26,159
Dragon fruit.
248
00:09:26,193 --> 00:09:28,127
What's this?
249
00:09:28,162 --> 00:09:30,196
A kiwano or horned melon.
250
00:09:30,230 --> 00:09:32,965
- What's this?
- A peach.
251
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,668
I knew that.
252
00:09:35,702 --> 00:09:36,969
Wow.
253
00:09:37,004 --> 00:09:40,473
Fresh lettuce
is my all-time favorite food.
254
00:09:40,507 --> 00:09:41,474
What's your favorite food?
255
00:09:41,508 --> 00:09:42,842
Oh, I take skittles,
256
00:09:42,876 --> 00:09:45,511
and I put it between
two starbursts.
257
00:09:45,546 --> 00:09:47,713
- You know what I call it?
- Skittle sandwich.
258
00:09:47,748 --> 00:09:49,415
That's pretty good.
259
00:09:49,449 --> 00:09:52,351
No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.
260
00:09:52,386 --> 00:09:56,556
It's nice because the flavor
of the starbursts
261
00:09:56,590 --> 00:09:57,657
really bring out
262
00:09:57,691 --> 00:10:03,229
a similar flavor in the skittles.
263
00:10:03,263 --> 00:10:04,730
♪ Forever young ♪
264
00:10:04,765 --> 00:10:07,333
- * I want to be forever young *
- Hey, Tom.
265
00:10:07,367 --> 00:10:09,368
Um... What's up?
266
00:10:09,403 --> 00:10:12,438
Do you want to go to lunch?
267
00:10:12,472 --> 00:10:14,707
Uh, no, I don't really feel
like going to JJ's.
268
00:10:14,741 --> 00:10:15,775
We can go anywhere.
269
00:10:15,809 --> 00:10:17,410
Your choice. I'm buying.
270
00:10:17,444 --> 00:10:19,846
Can I get apps and 'serts?
271
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,781
'Serts are what I call desserts.
272
00:10:21,815 --> 00:10:23,282
Tray-trays are entrees.
273
00:10:23,317 --> 00:10:26,686
I call sandwiches Sammies,
Sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers.
274
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,455
Air conditioners
are cool blasterz, with a "z."
275
00:10:29,489 --> 00:10:31,023
I don't know where that came from.
276
00:10:31,058 --> 00:10:32,959
I call cakes big old cookies.
277
00:10:32,993 --> 00:10:35,127
I call noodles long-ass rice.
278
00:10:35,162 --> 00:10:37,530
Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick.
279
00:10:37,564 --> 00:10:39,599
Chicken parm
is chicky-chicky parm-parm.
280
00:10:39,633 --> 00:10:41,968
Chicken cacciatore-- Chicky catch.
281
00:10:42,002 --> 00:10:44,770
I call eggs pre-birds or future birds.
282
00:10:44,805 --> 00:10:46,806
Root beer is super water.
283
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,641
Tortillas are bean blankies.
284
00:10:48,675 --> 00:10:50,910
And I call forks...
285
00:10:50,944 --> 00:10:52,445
Food rakes.
286
00:10:52,479 --> 00:10:55,815
Yeah, you can get
as many 'serts as you want.
287
00:10:55,849 --> 00:10:58,050
Well, let's get in my go-go mobile.
288
00:10:58,085 --> 00:10:59,452
Car.
289
00:10:59,486 --> 00:11:01,120
This'll be fun.
290
00:11:01,154 --> 00:11:03,289
Let's say you rub a bottle
and a genie comes out
291
00:11:03,323 --> 00:11:05,424
and gives you three wishes--
What would those wishes be?
292
00:11:05,459 --> 00:11:07,260
- Come on, Leslie.
- This'll be a fun game.
293
00:11:07,294 --> 00:11:08,394
Three wishes. Go.
294
00:11:08,428 --> 00:11:10,930
Okay, first wish,
I have a huge house
295
00:11:10,964 --> 00:11:12,298
with a ton of balconies.
296
00:11:12,332 --> 00:11:13,833
Yeah, okay.
297
00:11:13,867 --> 00:11:15,668
And I would just stand out
there observing my empire,
298
00:11:15,702 --> 00:11:17,303
like a drug dealer
in a Michael Bay movie.
299
00:11:17,337 --> 00:11:20,673
And I'll just spend my time
out there reading my iPad
300
00:11:20,707 --> 00:11:23,075
and drinking espressos
in a terrycloth robe.
301
00:11:24,110 --> 00:11:25,011
Wish number two.
302
00:11:25,045 --> 00:11:29,315
Okay, I'm the CEO
of the Spike TV Network.
303
00:11:29,349 --> 00:11:31,951
And my best friend / personal assistant
304
00:11:31,985 --> 00:11:34,320
is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx.
305
00:11:34,354 --> 00:11:37,056
And we create
a raunchy animated series
306
00:11:37,090 --> 00:11:41,327
based on our friendship called
Tommy and the Foxx.
307
00:11:41,361 --> 00:11:43,362
Okay, we don't have
to do this anymore.
308
00:11:43,397 --> 00:11:44,463
No, no, I'm into it now.
309
00:11:44,498 --> 00:11:45,665
Wish number three--
310
00:11:45,699 --> 00:11:47,233
They remake Point Break.
311
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:49,201
I play both roles--
312
00:11:49,236 --> 00:11:51,170
Keanu and Swayze.
313
00:11:51,204 --> 00:11:53,272
I think if you continue
cross-training the way you have,
314
00:11:53,307 --> 00:11:55,608
you're gonna--
315
00:11:55,642 --> 00:11:57,109
I don't see any ingredients.
316
00:11:57,144 --> 00:11:59,578
- Have you bought ingredients?
- Nope.
317
00:11:59,613 --> 00:12:02,048
- Do you need help shopping?
- No.
318
00:12:02,082 --> 00:12:03,482
Are you hurt?
Can you move?
319
00:12:03,517 --> 00:12:04,684
Never felt better.
320
00:12:04,718 --> 00:12:07,119
Chris!
321
00:12:07,154 --> 00:12:08,487
Can I get these?
322
00:12:08,522 --> 00:12:09,789
I said one thing.
323
00:12:09,823 --> 00:12:11,891
Eh. Honey?
324
00:12:11,925 --> 00:12:13,392
Pinwheel.
325
00:12:15,562 --> 00:12:16,996
Let's play a different game.
326
00:12:17,030 --> 00:12:18,798
I'm gonna say stuff about me,
327
00:12:18,832 --> 00:12:20,132
and you say,
on a scale from one to ten,
328
00:12:20,167 --> 00:12:21,901
how interested in
that thing you are.
329
00:12:21,935 --> 00:12:23,903
Ready? Okay.
330
00:12:23,937 --> 00:12:26,372
I love sunshine and fresh
air and early-morning walks.
331
00:12:26,406 --> 00:12:27,406
- One.
- I have read
332
00:12:27,441 --> 00:12:28,741
five biographies
of Eleanor Roosevelt.
333
00:12:28,775 --> 00:12:30,109
- One.
- I work
334
00:12:30,143 --> 00:12:31,477
- at the parks and recreation...
- One.
335
00:12:31,511 --> 00:12:32,845
- That's what you do.
- One.
336
00:12:32,879 --> 00:12:34,380
I once kissed
a girl in college...
337
00:12:34,414 --> 00:12:35,982
Eight.
338
00:12:36,016 --> 00:12:37,616
Where I graduated
Summa Cum Laude in history.
339
00:12:37,651 --> 00:12:38,818
One, zero, negative a billion.
340
00:12:38,852 --> 00:12:41,087
Don't talk about it
anymore, please.
341
00:12:43,856 --> 00:12:47,193
I love food and stuff.
342
00:12:47,227 --> 00:12:50,663
It's where I buy all of my food...
343
00:12:50,697 --> 00:12:53,833
And most of my stuff.
344
00:12:53,867 --> 00:12:55,401
Hey, can I get these?
345
00:12:55,435 --> 00:12:56,769
How much are they?
346
00:12:56,803 --> 00:12:58,704
Two bucks apiece.
347
00:12:58,739 --> 00:13:00,906
Good deal.
348
00:13:00,941 --> 00:13:02,708
Anything else?
349
00:13:02,743 --> 00:13:06,612
Nope. Just the crows and the beef.
350
00:13:06,646 --> 00:13:08,948
So the only thing that's
important to you is hotness?
351
00:13:08,982 --> 00:13:11,717
Wendy, Lucy. All you cared about
was the shape of their boobs?
352
00:13:11,752 --> 00:13:13,185
No. I really liked them,
353
00:13:13,220 --> 00:13:15,421
and they happened
to have nice breasts.
354
00:13:15,455 --> 00:13:16,622
You're acting really weird.
355
00:13:16,656 --> 00:13:18,024
W-what'd you even
buy me lunch for--
356
00:13:18,058 --> 00:13:20,126
Just so you could yell at me
for what I like about women?
357
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,028
Okay.
358
00:13:22,062 --> 00:13:23,362
Promise not to tell anyone?
359
00:13:23,397 --> 00:13:25,231
- Sure.
- This is insane.
360
00:13:25,265 --> 00:13:28,834
But you and I got matched up
on hoosiermate.com.
361
00:13:30,404 --> 00:13:31,904
98% match.
362
00:13:31,938 --> 00:13:36,375
Soul-mate-level match.
363
00:13:36,410 --> 00:13:38,444
You want to date me.
364
00:13:38,478 --> 00:13:39,578
This is a date.
365
00:13:39,613 --> 00:13:41,213
This is not a date, okay?
366
00:13:41,248 --> 00:13:43,215
Uh, you took me to a
fancy restaurant.
367
00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:44,817
You paid for my meal.
368
00:13:44,851 --> 00:13:46,419
And you're trying to get
to know me better.
369
00:13:46,453 --> 00:13:47,820
I was just trying to figure out
370
00:13:47,854 --> 00:13:50,156
why only sleazy guys
are into me right now.
371
00:13:50,190 --> 00:13:52,458
Nice try. You love me.
372
00:13:52,492 --> 00:13:55,494
♪ Leslie Knope, Tom Haverford ♪
373
00:13:55,529 --> 00:13:58,397
♪ dating in the day,
dating in the night ♪
374
00:13:58,432 --> 00:14:01,133
♪ dating all day
'cause he's keeping it tight ♪
375
00:14:01,168 --> 00:14:02,435
All right, Tom, enough.
376
00:14:02,469 --> 00:14:04,470
♪ Dating in the car,
dating on the floor ♪
377
00:14:04,504 --> 00:14:07,239
♪ dating everywhere,
'cause she wants some more ♪
378
00:14:12,045 --> 00:14:14,613
Hey, Tom, I'm just printing
out these health tips.
379
00:14:14,648 --> 00:14:16,782
- Can you grab them for me?
- One second.
380
00:14:16,817 --> 00:14:19,285
I'm just looking
at some real-estate listings.
381
00:14:19,319 --> 00:14:21,187
Oh, this is perfect for us--
382
00:14:21,221 --> 00:14:24,623
Three bedroom,
and, oh, God, Les,
383
00:14:24,658 --> 00:14:27,760
it has that dream closet
you've always wanted--
384
00:14:27,794 --> 00:14:30,162
- A walk-in closet.
- Oh, God.
385
00:14:30,197 --> 00:14:32,031
Hey, hey, Boo.
386
00:14:32,065 --> 00:14:35,701
What's wrong? Where'd you go?
387
00:14:35,735 --> 00:14:37,636
- Come back to me.
- Stop it.
388
00:14:37,671 --> 00:14:40,005
Don't disappear on me.
I need you, Boo.
389
00:14:42,409 --> 00:14:44,110
All right.
Uh, let's get into it.
390
00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:47,113
What do you guys have
for health tips?
391
00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:48,347
Ben, if it's okay with you,
392
00:14:48,381 --> 00:14:50,516
Leslie and I are gonna lead
the meeting today
393
00:14:50,550 --> 00:14:52,852
because of our deep
spiritual connection.
394
00:14:52,886 --> 00:14:54,920
Oka-- All right.
395
00:14:54,955 --> 00:14:56,722
Is everything okay?
396
00:14:56,756 --> 00:14:57,890
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
397
00:14:57,924 --> 00:14:59,191
Everything is great, Ben.
398
00:14:59,226 --> 00:15:02,328
Les and I just had
something magical happen today
399
00:15:02,362 --> 00:15:03,829
at lunch.
400
00:15:03,864 --> 00:15:06,398
There is some weird juju
in this room right now.
401
00:15:06,433 --> 00:15:08,834
Office yoga.
We do stretches at our desk
402
00:15:08,869 --> 00:15:10,503
or next to our desk
or in a chair--
403
00:15:10,537 --> 00:15:12,071
always good for you.
404
00:15:12,105 --> 00:15:13,472
Um...
405
00:15:13,507 --> 00:15:16,008
We give everyone pedometers,
406
00:15:16,042 --> 00:15:17,243
and we have a contest--
407
00:15:17,277 --> 00:15:20,212
Whoever takes the most steps
wins a prize.
408
00:15:20,247 --> 00:15:22,414
You know, anything to get
their heart rate up.
409
00:15:22,449 --> 00:15:25,017
You know what else
gets people's heart rate up?
410
00:15:25,051 --> 00:15:26,919
Doing it.
411
00:15:26,953 --> 00:15:29,889
Talking about sex with my boss.
412
00:15:31,725 --> 00:15:33,058
Can you excuse us for a second?
413
00:15:33,093 --> 00:15:34,093
Yeah.
414
00:15:34,127 --> 00:15:35,461
Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?
415
00:15:35,495 --> 00:15:36,896
Ow! Let me get out of the chair!
416
00:15:36,930 --> 00:15:38,831
Hey! What is wrong with you?
417
00:15:38,865 --> 00:15:40,533
Leslie, it's the workplace.
418
00:15:40,567 --> 00:15:42,034
You're being a little bit
too feisty right now.
419
00:15:42,068 --> 00:15:44,236
You are being a little bit
too much of an ass right now.
420
00:15:44,271 --> 00:15:45,704
Okay? Knock it off.
421
00:15:45,739 --> 00:15:48,107
I can't fight this feeling anymore.
422
00:15:48,141 --> 00:15:49,708
You and I--
423
00:15:49,743 --> 00:15:52,878
We're dating.
424
00:15:55,749 --> 00:15:57,283
You should be so lucky.
425
00:15:57,317 --> 00:15:58,417
- Leslie.
- Huh?
426
00:15:58,451 --> 00:16:01,654
Tom.
427
00:16:04,858 --> 00:16:06,725
They should fix that.
428
00:16:07,358 --> 00:16:09,725
It was all-- just a joke.
429
00:16:09,763 --> 00:16:11,564
I can assure you, there's
nothing romantic going on
430
00:16:11,598 --> 00:16:13,332
- between me and Tom.
- I have a very strict policy--
431
00:16:13,366 --> 00:16:14,800
No office relationships,
432
00:16:14,834 --> 00:16:17,503
particularly between
a supervisor and an employee.
433
00:16:17,537 --> 00:16:18,871
The taxpayers pay us,
434
00:16:18,905 --> 00:16:20,439
so we can't have anything
435
00:16:20,473 --> 00:16:22,007
appearing even
remotely scandalous.
436
00:16:22,042 --> 00:16:23,809
I'm just saying, if you can't
keep your mouth to yourself,
437
00:16:23,843 --> 00:16:26,912
- I'm gonna have to suspend you.
- I understand.
438
00:16:26,947 --> 00:16:29,582
Look. Cucumber flower.
439
00:16:29,616 --> 00:16:31,750
Wow. That's so cute.
440
00:16:31,785 --> 00:16:33,819
Wait, that's a garnish.
You're not supposed to eat that.
441
00:16:33,853 --> 00:16:35,221
What?
442
00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:36,889
So just type up
those ones we talked about,
443
00:16:36,923 --> 00:16:38,490
and we'll get it
finalized tomorrow.
444
00:16:38,525 --> 00:16:40,292
Yep.
445
00:16:40,327 --> 00:16:41,627
- Hey, Tom.
- Yep.
446
00:16:41,661 --> 00:16:43,729
Um...
447
00:16:43,763 --> 00:16:46,632
What was all that stuff
with you and Leslie?
448
00:16:46,666 --> 00:16:49,235
Girl likes Indian food.
What can I say?
449
00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:50,636
Fine.
450
00:16:50,670 --> 00:16:52,938
We got matched up
on an online dating site.
451
00:16:52,973 --> 00:16:55,274
And I was messing with her.
She got pissed.
452
00:16:55,308 --> 00:16:57,610
So she took me out
in the hallway and kissed me
453
00:16:57,644 --> 00:16:59,645
- out of revenge.
- Really?
454
00:16:59,679 --> 00:17:01,814
And as much as it pains me
to admit this,
455
00:17:01,848 --> 00:17:03,249
it was not disgusting.
456
00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:05,517
Okay, well,
I don't need the details.
457
00:17:05,552 --> 00:17:07,453
I'm just saying,
she knows what to do.
458
00:17:07,487 --> 00:17:10,089
- All right.
- Like, I was impressed.
459
00:17:10,123 --> 00:17:12,157
- Yeah.
- It was stirring.
460
00:17:12,192 --> 00:17:13,659
- Good-bye.
- It felt like--
461
00:17:13,693 --> 00:17:15,094
- Can-- Yep.
- All right.
462
00:17:15,128 --> 00:17:17,796
- Just-- All right.
- Anyway, like I was saying...
463
00:17:17,831 --> 00:17:19,865
I humbly place before you
464
00:17:19,899 --> 00:17:22,668
my east meets west patented
Traeger turkey burger--
465
00:17:22,702 --> 00:17:24,169
An Asian fusion burger
466
00:17:24,204 --> 00:17:26,572
made with Willow Farms
organic turkey,
467
00:17:26,606 --> 00:17:28,274
a toasted tallegio-cheese crisp,
468
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:31,176
papaya chutney,
black truffle aioli,
469
00:17:31,211 --> 00:17:33,612
and micro-greens
on a gluten-free brioche bun.
470
00:17:33,647 --> 00:17:35,648
- Enjoy.
- Mmm.
471
00:17:35,682 --> 00:17:38,083
This tastes as delicious
as Beyonce smells...
472
00:17:38,118 --> 00:17:39,351
I'm guessing.
473
00:17:39,386 --> 00:17:41,553
What is this in here-- Saffron?
474
00:17:41,588 --> 00:17:43,722
Wow, somebody's got a sharp palate.
475
00:17:43,757 --> 00:17:45,824
I love the umami flavor.
476
00:17:45,859 --> 00:17:47,893
Stop being so pretentious, Kyle.
477
00:17:47,927 --> 00:17:49,795
- Sorry.
- Here's mine.
478
00:17:49,829 --> 00:17:53,699
It's a hamburger
made out of meat on a bun
479
00:17:53,733 --> 00:17:55,234
with nothing.
480
00:17:55,268 --> 00:17:57,036
Add ketchup if you want.
481
00:17:57,070 --> 00:17:59,805
I couldn't care less.
482
00:17:59,839 --> 00:18:02,241
Ron, I'm so disappointed.
483
00:18:02,275 --> 00:18:04,510
I thought that you and I were
gonna have a real challenge.
484
00:18:04,544 --> 00:18:06,178
Never mind. This is better.
485
00:18:06,212 --> 00:18:08,080
- Way better.
- Mmm. Yep.
486
00:18:08,114 --> 00:18:09,081
Mm-hmm.
487
00:18:09,115 --> 00:18:10,382
Kyle?
488
00:18:10,417 --> 00:18:12,217
Sorry, Andy. Ron's is better.
489
00:18:12,252 --> 00:18:14,820
Damn it, Kyle.
490
00:18:14,854 --> 00:18:17,189
Oh, my God, it's so much
better, it's crazy.
491
00:18:17,223 --> 00:18:19,892
Turkey can never beat cow, Chris.
492
00:18:19,926 --> 00:18:21,393
Sorry.
493
00:18:21,428 --> 00:18:23,228
I don't understand.
494
00:18:23,263 --> 00:18:25,731
I-I-I've tinkered
with this recipe for years.
495
00:18:25,765 --> 00:18:28,467
Granted, it's been a long time
since I've had hamburger.
496
00:18:35,775 --> 00:18:37,009
This is better.
497
00:18:37,043 --> 00:18:38,510
The commissary will
continue to serve
498
00:18:38,545 --> 00:18:41,046
horrifying,
artery-clogging hamburgers.
499
00:18:45,485 --> 00:18:48,454
Man, we spent, like, 50 hours
working on those burgers.
500
00:18:48,488 --> 00:18:50,723
I know. Hard work never pays off.
501
00:18:50,757 --> 00:18:53,192
Cooking is dumb.
502
00:18:53,226 --> 00:18:55,594
I swear on this dead crow
503
00:18:55,628 --> 00:18:57,930
that I will never cook for you.
504
00:18:57,964 --> 00:19:01,700
I love you.
505
00:19:01,735 --> 00:19:03,669
I just wanted to make sure that
there were no hard feelings
506
00:19:03,703 --> 00:19:05,037
after I forced you
to break up with Tom.
507
00:19:05,071 --> 00:19:07,906
Oh, we weren't-- No.
508
00:19:07,941 --> 00:19:09,241
No hard feelings.
509
00:19:09,275 --> 00:19:10,843
'Cause it's just
a real bugaboo of mine.
510
00:19:10,877 --> 00:19:12,311
And it applies to everyone.
511
00:19:12,345 --> 00:19:14,179
Just the other day, Ben told me
512
00:19:14,214 --> 00:19:15,748
that he might want to
socialize with somebody
513
00:19:15,782 --> 00:19:17,349
from the government,
and I said, "I'm sorry"...
514
00:19:17,384 --> 00:19:19,385
- "Not possible."
- Really?
515
00:19:19,419 --> 00:19:20,953
Did he say who?
516
00:19:20,987 --> 00:19:23,389
No, and I didn't ask,
'cause it's irrelevant.
517
00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:24,923
He oversees every department.
518
00:19:24,958 --> 00:19:26,458
It simply can't happen.
519
00:19:26,493 --> 00:19:28,794
This is literally the best
thing I've ever eaten.
520
00:19:28,828 --> 00:19:31,096
Mmm. And it's so bad for me.
521
00:19:31,131 --> 00:19:32,664
I'm gonna have to jog
while I digest this.
522
00:19:32,699 --> 00:19:35,901
Excuse me.
523
00:19:35,935 --> 00:19:37,269
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey.
524
00:19:37,303 --> 00:19:40,472
Well, uh, I think
I'm allergic to chutney.
525
00:19:40,507 --> 00:19:42,307
Also, what's chutney?
526
00:19:42,342 --> 00:19:44,009
- No clue.
- Yeah.
527
00:19:44,043 --> 00:19:45,511
Hey, I never got to tell you
the rest of my ideas.
528
00:19:45,545 --> 00:19:47,646
You want to go somewhere
and talk about 'em?
529
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,181
Yeah. Yeah,
I'd love to.
530
00:19:49,215 --> 00:19:51,150
Um, let me get some actual food
531
00:19:51,184 --> 00:19:53,352
and then-- do you know
532
00:19:53,386 --> 00:19:56,155
that wildflower mural
up on the second floor?
533
00:19:56,189 --> 00:19:58,624
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
534
00:19:58,658 --> 00:19:59,691
You want to meet there?
535
00:19:59,726 --> 00:20:01,527
- Yeah.
- Okay.
536
00:20:01,561 --> 00:20:03,028
Sounds good.
537
00:20:03,062 --> 00:20:05,130
I don't know
if the online thing is for me.
538
00:20:05,165 --> 00:20:08,200
I prefer to meet people in person.
539
00:20:08,234 --> 00:20:10,169
It's like door number two
540
00:20:10,203 --> 00:20:12,971
on Let's Make a Deal.
541
00:20:13,006 --> 00:20:14,540
Do you want the thing that you have,
542
00:20:14,574 --> 00:20:15,974
that you know you like
543
00:20:16,009 --> 00:20:18,610
but isn't perfect,
544
00:20:18,645 --> 00:20:23,482
or do you give it up for
what's behind door number two?
545
00:20:23,516 --> 00:20:26,885
I think I like what I have.
546
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:29,555
I'm gonna try to make it work
with Tom.
547
00:20:29,589 --> 00:20:31,156
I'm kidding.
548
00:20:34,294 --> 00:20:35,794
How did you and I get matched up?
549
00:20:35,829 --> 00:20:37,262
I made 26 profiles,
550
00:20:37,297 --> 00:20:39,431
each designed to attract
a different type of girl.
551
00:20:39,466 --> 00:20:42,367
Tom A. Haverford,
sporty and sexy.
552
00:20:42,402 --> 00:20:44,870
Tom B. Haverford,
smooth and soulful.
553
00:20:44,904 --> 00:20:46,505
Which letter did you get?
554
00:20:46,539 --> 00:20:48,440
"N." Tom N. Haverford.
555
00:20:50,043 --> 00:20:51,310
The "N" stands for "Nerd."
556
00:20:51,344 --> 00:20:52,411
I never even check that one,
557
00:20:52,445 --> 00:20:53,612
'cause no one ever responds to it.
558
00:20:53,646 --> 00:20:54,847
Okay, well, whatever.
559
00:20:54,881 --> 00:20:57,115
Tom N. Haverford collects globes.
560
00:20:57,150 --> 00:20:58,350
Great. That's enough.
561
00:20:58,384 --> 00:21:00,285
His favorite movie is books.
562
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:01,353
Donna.
563
00:21:05,725 --> 00:21:09,228
Every time I want you
to shut up from now on.
564
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:19,240
Corrected by www.addic7ed.com