1
00:00:58,157 --> 00:00:59,657
I need you guys to come
to the Snakehole Lounge tonight
2
00:00:59,658 --> 00:01:00,591
to help me with something.
3
00:01:00,749 --> 00:01:01,939
Yeah, no, tonight's not good.
4
00:01:02,049 --> 00:01:03,018
No can do.
5
00:01:03,019 --> 00:01:04,185
I'm on a cleanse.
6
00:01:04,253 --> 00:01:05,887
Please.
This is important.
7
00:01:05,955 --> 00:01:09,557
I'm launching my new high-end,
Kahlua-style liqueur,
8
00:01:09,625 --> 00:01:11,059
"Snakejuice".
9
00:01:11,127 --> 00:01:14,029
Sounds like you took a snake
and twisted it like a rag
10
00:01:14,096 --> 00:01:15,930
until its blood
and guts came out.
11
00:01:15,998 --> 00:01:17,699
Ha ha ha.
Eww.
12
00:01:17,767 --> 00:01:19,000
What does Kahlua-style mean?
13
00:01:19,068 --> 00:01:20,402
I mix a bunch
of alcohol together,
14
00:01:20,469 --> 00:01:22,570
I add some sugar and coffee
and some other junk,
15
00:01:22,638 --> 00:01:24,272
and it kind of tastes
like Kahlua.
16
00:01:24,340 --> 00:01:26,675
I can only drink warm
tap water with cayenne pepper.
17
00:01:26,742 --> 00:01:28,176
Fine.
Then don't drink it.
18
00:01:28,244 --> 00:01:30,011
Just get other people
to drink it, okay?
19
00:01:30,079 --> 00:01:31,413
Meeting in one hour.
20
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:34,115
If you don't make it,
you're on my done-zo list.
21
00:01:34,183 --> 00:01:36,184
Uh, what's a done-zo list?
22
00:01:36,252 --> 00:01:38,920
It means you and I
are done-zo...
23
00:01:38,988 --> 00:01:40,789
Hanging out, getting food
together, done-zo.
24
00:01:40,856 --> 00:01:42,557
You want to come over to
my house and play video games?
25
00:01:42,625 --> 00:01:43,858
Done-zo.
26
00:01:43,926 --> 00:01:45,560
Hey, tom, you want to come play
putt-putt with me?
27
00:01:45,628 --> 00:01:47,662
No, we're done-zo.
28
00:01:47,730 --> 00:01:50,198
Babe, we got to make
that meeting.
29
00:01:50,266 --> 00:02:00,201
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
30
00:02:10,352 --> 00:02:12,821
All right, let's start
with the personal stuff.
31
00:02:12,888 --> 00:02:14,322
- How's jessie?
- Who?
32
00:02:14,390 --> 00:02:16,291
- The photographer guy.
- Oh, yeah.
33
00:02:16,358 --> 00:02:18,159
We broke up.
I didn't tell you that?
34
00:02:18,227 --> 00:02:20,528
- Mm-mm! Why? I liked him.
- Yeah, I did too.
35
00:02:20,596 --> 00:02:22,430
I just... I couldn't deal
with his face.
36
00:02:22,498 --> 00:02:23,932
Huh.
37
00:02:23,999 --> 00:02:26,134
Do you think I could get that
book back that I loaned him?
38
00:02:26,202 --> 00:02:29,037
Oh, well, I'm technically
"out of the country."
39
00:02:29,105 --> 00:02:32,140
So I would have to call him
from a weird number.
40
00:02:32,208 --> 00:02:33,541
- Oh.
- Sorry.
41
00:02:33,609 --> 00:02:34,642
Never mind.
42
00:02:34,710 --> 00:02:36,211
But I'm seeing
this new guy, Mattias.
43
00:02:36,278 --> 00:02:38,813
You would love him.
He's a triple pisces.
44
00:02:38,881 --> 00:02:40,648
Uh-oh, looks like someone's
gonna be late for her meeting.
45
00:02:40,716 --> 00:02:41,950
I'll race you.
46
00:02:42,017 --> 00:02:43,752
Really?
Isn't that a little childish?
47
00:02:43,819 --> 00:02:45,520
Oh, ha ha ha.
Bye, Ann.
48
00:02:45,588 --> 00:02:47,055
Sorry, got to go.
Hey, move!
49
00:02:47,123 --> 00:02:48,556
Oh!
Councilman Howser, sorry.
50
00:02:48,624 --> 00:02:50,558
Nice to see you as always.
51
00:02:50,626 --> 00:02:52,494
Bye.
52
00:02:52,561 --> 00:02:54,696
Welcome to
Guerilla Marketing 101.
53
00:02:54,764 --> 00:02:56,698
What is Guerilla Marketing?
54
00:02:56,766 --> 00:02:58,566
A few ordinary schmoes...
no offense...
55
00:02:58,634 --> 00:03:01,169
have a casual conversation
next to some guy
56
00:03:01,237 --> 00:03:03,104
about how great Snakejuice is.
57
00:03:03,172 --> 00:03:05,273
Next thing you know that guy
58
00:03:05,341 --> 00:03:06,875
orders an whole bottle
of Snakejuice,
59
00:03:06,942 --> 00:03:08,276
and he has no idea why.
60
00:03:08,344 --> 00:03:12,614
Ron is going to play our
exciting Snakejuice drinker,
61
00:03:12,681 --> 00:03:15,717
AKA Brian Thunder.
62
00:03:15,785 --> 00:03:17,619
Jerry, you'll be playing
a boring beer drinker.
63
00:03:17,686 --> 00:03:18,953
Your name will be Jerry.
64
00:03:19,021 --> 00:03:23,358
Your talking points are
high-end, VIP, lifestyle.
65
00:03:23,425 --> 00:03:25,193
All right, let's run
through it once.
66
00:03:25,261 --> 00:03:27,028
And action!
67
00:03:27,096 --> 00:03:29,798
"The weather has been
so weird lately.
68
00:03:29,865 --> 00:03:31,866
Hey, let me buy
you all a drink."
69
00:03:31,934 --> 00:03:34,869
"I'll take something basic
like a beer."
70
00:03:34,937 --> 00:03:36,604
"Yeah, I'm pretty...
71
00:03:36,672 --> 00:03:38,840
...boring."
72
00:03:38,908 --> 00:03:40,942
So I'll take a beer, too."
73
00:03:41,010 --> 00:03:44,612
"Not me. I want this night
to get ca-razzy."
74
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,181
Ca-raaazy.
75
00:03:46,248 --> 00:03:49,184
Like crazy.
76
00:03:50,251 --> 00:03:52,921
"I want this night
to get ca-razy.
77
00:03:52,988 --> 00:03:54,756
"Get me a shot of Snakejuice.
78
00:03:54,824 --> 00:03:56,891
I hear it has
a dope aftertaste."
79
00:03:56,959 --> 00:03:58,393
All right,
that's gonna be a cut.
80
00:03:58,460 --> 00:04:01,162
Um, Ron, you got to say it
like you mean it.
81
00:04:01,230 --> 00:04:03,031
I won't publicly endorse
a product
82
00:04:03,098 --> 00:04:06,601
unless I use it exclusively
and I really believe in it.
83
00:04:06,669 --> 00:04:08,336
My only official
recommendations are.
84
00:04:08,404 --> 00:04:10,738
U.S. Army-issued
mustache trimmers,
85
00:04:10,806 --> 00:04:13,708
Morton's Salt,
and the C.R. Laurence Fein
86
00:04:13,776 --> 00:04:17,045
two-inch, axe-style scraper
oscillating knife blade.
87
00:04:17,112 --> 00:04:19,414
We need to find
a new PR Director
88
00:04:19,481 --> 00:04:20,548
for the Health Department.
89
00:04:20,616 --> 00:04:22,183
Dennis Cooper was fired today.
90
00:04:22,251 --> 00:04:23,852
Why?
91
00:04:23,919 --> 00:04:25,453
Short answer...
he went bananas.
92
00:04:25,521 --> 00:04:28,089
Long answer...
his wife, Jan, had an affair,
93
00:04:28,157 --> 00:04:29,691
gave him a venereal disease,
94
00:04:29,758 --> 00:04:31,726
and so he put signs about her
all through City Hall.
95
00:04:31,794 --> 00:04:32,894
I'm sure you've seen them.
96
00:04:32,962 --> 00:04:34,195
Oh, yeah.
97
00:04:34,263 --> 00:04:36,331
"Jan Cooper will give you
chlamydia,
98
00:04:36,398 --> 00:04:38,099
brought to you by
the Pawnee Health Department."
99
00:04:38,167 --> 00:04:40,935
"Chlamydia affects
nearly 100% of Jan Coopers."
100
00:04:41,003 --> 00:04:43,805
"The department of health
congratulates Jan Cooper,
101
00:04:43,873 --> 00:04:45,139
Miss Chlamydia."
102
00:04:45,207 --> 00:04:47,475
"Jan, I love you.
Please come back.
103
00:04:47,543 --> 00:04:50,111
"I realize
that I'm not blameless here.
104
00:04:50,179 --> 00:04:53,848
"Please.
105
00:04:53,916 --> 00:04:55,416
Brought to you
by the Health Department."
106
00:04:55,484 --> 00:04:58,286
"Re-elect Jan Cooper,
Mayor of Whoreville."
107
00:04:58,354 --> 00:05:01,289
Leslie, I want you to help us
choose a replament.
108
00:05:01,357 --> 00:05:03,625
Parks and Health work closely
on outdoor programs
109
00:05:03,692 --> 00:05:05,526
and exercise initiatives.
110
00:05:05,594 --> 00:05:06,794
- Ann should do it.
- Ann Perkins?
111
00:05:06,862 --> 00:05:09,697
Pawnee is looking
for a new PR Director
112
00:05:09,765 --> 00:05:11,065
for the Health Department,
and I submitted your name.
113
00:05:11,133 --> 00:05:13,801
You have an interview tomorrow
at 9:00 A.M.
114
00:05:13,869 --> 00:05:15,470
9:00 A.M. wow.
115
00:05:15,537 --> 00:05:17,071
Yes, I know.
I couldn't get it earlier.
116
00:05:17,139 --> 00:05:18,606
- I'm... I am...
- Grateful.
117
00:05:18,674 --> 00:05:20,041
I know.
You can thank me later.
118
00:05:20,109 --> 00:05:21,476
But first you need
to go over your homework.
119
00:05:21,543 --> 00:05:23,044
These are all
the health initiatives
120
00:05:23,112 --> 00:05:26,047
the city has ever undertaken
since the 1960s.
121
00:05:26,115 --> 00:05:28,082
So you need
to partially memorize that.
122
00:05:28,150 --> 00:05:29,918
And it's gonna be a long night,
123
00:05:29,985 --> 00:05:31,286
so I got you some energy drinks
124
00:05:31,353 --> 00:05:33,788
and some chocolate-covered
espresso beans
125
00:05:33,856 --> 00:05:35,690
and the book Freedom
by Jonathan Franzen.
126
00:05:35,758 --> 00:05:36,858
Why am I reading this?
127
00:05:36,926 --> 00:05:38,259
Because I'm almost
done with it, Ann.
128
00:05:38,327 --> 00:05:39,794
And I want to talk to you
about Patty.
129
00:05:39,862 --> 00:05:42,163
Okay, deep breath.
130
00:05:43,499 --> 00:05:45,266
Okay, I've been a nurse
for over 10 years.
131
00:05:45,334 --> 00:05:46,801
It's not something
you just quit.
132
00:05:46,869 --> 00:05:48,970
I understand.
133
00:05:49,038 --> 00:05:52,006
I just think with this new job,
you could make a difference.
134
00:05:52,074 --> 00:05:53,942
Make real change happen.
135
00:05:54,009 --> 00:05:56,244
Plus, we'd be working
in the same building...
136
00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:59,013
no more lightning-round
catch-up sessions.
137
00:05:59,081 --> 00:06:01,449
It would be nice
to have an office.
138
00:06:01,517 --> 00:06:03,084
And let's be honest,
it would be nice to not have
139
00:06:03,152 --> 00:06:04,786
to pull strange things out
of people's butts every night.
140
00:06:04,853 --> 00:06:07,021
You've mentioned that before.
That doesn't happen that often.
141
00:06:07,089 --> 00:06:08,423
- It happened once.
- Just once.
142
00:06:08,490 --> 00:06:10,325
That already is too many times.
143
00:06:10,392 --> 00:06:13,494
Ugh. I hate talking
144
00:06:13,562 --> 00:06:15,496
to people about things.
This is a nightmare.
145
00:06:15,564 --> 00:06:18,032
Ugh.
I'm grouchy.
146
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:19,767
Well, we have to support Tom.
147
00:06:19,835 --> 00:06:22,136
Think about it
as role-playing.
148
00:06:23,204 --> 00:06:24,772
That makes it sexy.
149
00:06:25,340 --> 00:06:27,508
- That could be fun.
- Ha! Really?
150
00:06:27,576 --> 00:06:29,610
Can I use a weird voice
and try to freak people out?
151
00:06:29,678 --> 00:06:32,113
- Yes.
- Okay.
152
00:06:32,181 --> 00:06:34,215
Then, uh, next time you see me,
153
00:06:34,283 --> 00:06:37,118
I'll be a stranger.
154
00:06:37,186 --> 00:06:38,853
Oh...
155
00:06:40,856 --> 00:06:43,091
Snakejuice!
What? Here?
156
00:06:43,158 --> 00:06:46,194
High-end, VIP, exclusive.
157
00:06:46,261 --> 00:06:48,930
- Hey, how's it going?
- I think it's going okay.
158
00:06:48,998 --> 00:06:51,265
People better buy this stuff,
or else I'm gonna be screwed.
159
00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:52,934
It's gonna be fine.
People will definitely buy it.
160
00:06:53,002 --> 00:06:54,035
Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
161
00:06:54,103 --> 00:06:56,004
♪ "K" to the "N"
to the O-P-E ♪
162
00:06:56,071 --> 00:06:59,774
♪ she's the dopest little shorty
in all Pawnee, Indiana ♪
163
00:06:59,842 --> 00:07:01,342
Why didn't you just stop
at "Pawnee"?
164
00:07:01,410 --> 00:07:03,945
Leslie Knope, seriously,
you get sexier every day.
165
00:07:04,013 --> 00:07:05,847
And that is not a line.
That is for real.
166
00:07:05,914 --> 00:07:07,615
Aw, Jean-Ralphio.
167
00:07:07,683 --> 00:07:09,851
Well, I-I know tonight's
gonna be a big success,
168
00:07:09,918 --> 00:07:11,019
and I wish I could stay.
169
00:07:11,086 --> 00:07:12,420
I really do,
but I have to go help Ann.
170
00:07:12,488 --> 00:07:13,588
She's gonna be up all night
171
00:07:13,655 --> 00:07:14,989
cramming
for a big job interview.
172
00:07:15,057 --> 00:07:16,324
She might be up all night,
173
00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:18,159
but I think someone else
is gonna be doing the cramming.
174
00:07:18,227 --> 00:07:20,061
Uh-oh. Whoop.
175
00:07:23,132 --> 00:07:25,600
♪ ♪
176
00:07:28,132 --> 00:07:29,200
- Hey
- Hey
177
00:07:29,222 --> 00:07:31,157
- I'm so happy to see you.
- I'm seeing you here.
178
00:07:31,974 --> 00:07:33,408
- Yes.
- Yes, I'm surprised.
179
00:07:33,476 --> 00:07:35,544
I thought maybe you'd be home
preparing for tomorrow.
180
00:07:35,611 --> 00:07:38,013
Oh, well, there was way
too much stuff
181
00:07:38,330 --> 00:07:39,731
for me to read tonight, anyway.
182
00:07:39,799 --> 00:07:42,133
I mean, it was
a ridiculous amount of stuff
183
00:07:42,201 --> 00:07:43,668
that you gave me.
184
00:07:43,736 --> 00:07:46,604
Oh. But you are going in
for the interview tomorrow?
185
00:07:46,672 --> 00:07:50,542
I think so.
186
00:07:50,609 --> 00:07:53,111
Uh-oh. Is there enough room
for some mayonnaise
187
00:07:53,179 --> 00:07:54,779
in this lady sandwich?
188
00:07:54,847 --> 00:07:56,081
Oh.
189
00:07:56,148 --> 00:07:58,450
Leslie, this is my friend
Howard tuttleman.
190
00:07:58,517 --> 00:08:00,151
Oh, please.
Call me "The Douche".
191
00:08:00,469 --> 00:08:02,337
You probably know me
from my morning radio show
192
00:08:02,404 --> 00:08:05,940
on 93.7...
Crazy Ira and "The Douche".
193
00:08:06,008 --> 00:08:07,608
Yeah,
I-I have met you before.
194
00:08:07,676 --> 00:08:09,043
I actually was
on your show once...
195
00:08:09,111 --> 00:08:10,378
wait!
Were you on the show
196
00:08:10,446 --> 00:08:11,979
where we had
that stripper do math?
197
00:08:12,047 --> 00:08:13,548
Classic, right?
198
00:08:16,618 --> 00:08:17,885
♪ ♪
199
00:08:17,953 --> 00:08:20,888
Hello, strange person
who I have never met before.
200
00:08:20,956 --> 00:08:22,223
Who are you?
201
00:08:22,291 --> 00:08:23,891
I'm Janet Snakehole.
202
00:08:23,959 --> 00:08:26,194
I'm a very rich widow
with a terrible secret.
203
00:08:26,261 --> 00:08:27,295
Who are you?
204
00:08:27,363 --> 00:08:29,664
Bert Macklin, FBI.
205
00:08:29,732 --> 00:08:31,065
I was the best
damn agent they had
206
00:08:31,133 --> 00:08:33,301
until I was framed for a crime
I didn't commit...
207
00:08:34,403 --> 00:08:36,337
Stealing
the president's rubies.
208
00:08:36,405 --> 00:08:38,106
Now I work alone.
209
00:08:38,173 --> 00:08:40,141
Lovely to meet you.
210
00:08:40,209 --> 00:08:42,243
I got to admit, uh,
I thought your costume
211
00:08:42,311 --> 00:08:44,078
would maybe be
a little bit sluttier.
212
00:08:44,146 --> 00:08:47,448
How dare you?
213
00:08:47,516 --> 00:08:48,816
Nice.
214
00:08:48,884 --> 00:08:51,152
Gentlemen.
215
00:08:51,220 --> 00:08:53,988
- Swan song, how you living?
- Yes.
216
00:08:54,056 --> 00:08:55,656
Why aren't you holding
a Snakejuice?
217
00:08:55,724 --> 00:08:57,125
I'm more of a whiskey man.
218
00:08:57,192 --> 00:08:58,526
Ron-Ron, come here.
219
00:08:58,594 --> 00:09:00,428
Come here for a bit.
You're good right there.
220
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:02,930
Listen, you got to jump
on the Tommytown Express.
221
00:09:02,998 --> 00:09:04,665
This guy has some
of the best investment ideas
222
00:09:04,733 --> 00:09:06,367
I've ever heard in my life.
223
00:09:06,435 --> 00:09:08,803
Make a baby
tuxedo clothing line.
224
00:09:08,871 --> 00:09:11,339
A department store
with a guest list.
225
00:09:11,407 --> 00:09:13,341
White fur ear muffs for men.
226
00:09:13,409 --> 00:09:15,977
Contact lenses that display
text messages.
227
00:09:16,044 --> 00:09:18,379
Invent a phone
that smells good.
228
00:09:18,447 --> 00:09:20,715
Own a night club called eclipse
229
00:09:20,783 --> 00:09:24,385
that's only open for one hour
two times a year.
230
00:09:24,453 --> 00:09:28,055
Cover charge... $5,000.
231
00:09:28,123 --> 00:09:29,791
I can keep going.
232
00:09:29,858 --> 00:09:31,192
How about this, Ron?
233
00:09:31,260 --> 00:09:32,393
Try Snakejuice.
234
00:09:32,461 --> 00:09:34,996
If you like it,
you got to talk it up all night.
235
00:09:35,063 --> 00:09:39,133
If you don't,
I'll shave Jean-Ralphio's head.
236
00:09:39,201 --> 00:09:41,135
Yeah, I'd like to see that.
237
00:09:41,203 --> 00:09:43,404
Hit me.
238
00:09:43,472 --> 00:09:48,042
A lot riding on this.
239
00:09:48,110 --> 00:09:50,344
Damn, if that isn't delicious.
240
00:09:50,412 --> 00:09:51,813
Oh!
241
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,915
♪ "R" to the "o"
to the n-n-n ♪
242
00:09:53,982 --> 00:09:57,185
♪ I say Swanson's got swagger
the size of a Big Ben clock ♪
243
00:09:57,252 --> 00:09:58,786
Dude, you got to end it
on the rhyme.
244
00:09:58,854 --> 00:10:01,389
- I know what I have to do.
- You had it at "Ben."
245
00:10:01,457 --> 00:10:03,024
I know.
I got it.
246
00:10:03,091 --> 00:10:04,892
You think I haven't been
around the world.
247
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:08,095
I've been everywhere, darling.
I'm a very wealthy woman.
248
00:10:08,163 --> 00:10:10,598
My husband's kept me
in the finest clothes
249
00:10:10,666 --> 00:10:12,200
from Bergdorf Goodman, you see.
250
00:10:12,267 --> 00:10:15,736
- Freeze! FBI!
- No! Leave me alone!
251
00:10:15,804 --> 00:10:17,872
- Hands in the air!
- I didn't kill anybody!
252
00:10:17,940 --> 00:10:19,373
And I didn't burn down
the mill either.
253
00:10:19,441 --> 00:10:20,541
My sister did.
254
00:10:20,609 --> 00:10:22,510
But now she's been eaten
by wolves!
255
00:10:23,979 --> 00:10:27,081
Nothing to see here.
256
00:10:27,149 --> 00:10:29,484
- So how did you two meet?
- We met at the supermarket.
257
00:10:29,551 --> 00:10:31,285
I used my classic pickup line.
258
00:10:31,353 --> 00:10:34,355
If you're looking for douches,
they're in aisle me.
259
00:10:34,423 --> 00:10:36,290
- Awesome.
- Yeah.
260
00:10:36,358 --> 00:10:38,226
Oh, hey, by the way, I don't
think I can get that book back
261
00:10:38,293 --> 00:10:39,794
from, um, what's-his-name.
262
00:10:39,862 --> 00:10:41,162
Oh, that's okay.
263
00:10:41,230 --> 00:10:42,797
I mean, I should've
known better
264
00:10:42,865 --> 00:10:44,765
than to loan something
to one of your boyfriends.
265
00:10:44,833 --> 00:10:46,234
They come and go so fast.
266
00:10:46,301 --> 00:10:48,236
Uh, what
are you saying exactly?
267
00:10:48,303 --> 00:10:49,437
Well, I mean, let's be honest.
268
00:10:49,505 --> 00:10:51,072
How long is it gonna last
with this guy?
269
00:10:51,139 --> 00:10:52,406
Sitting right here.
270
00:10:52,474 --> 00:10:53,908
I don't know.
He's dumb, but he's fun.
271
00:10:53,976 --> 00:10:55,376
Thank you.
272
00:10:55,444 --> 00:10:57,311
I mean, that's the whole point
of dating around
273
00:10:57,379 --> 00:10:58,880
is you get to try on
a bunch of different hats.
274
00:10:58,947 --> 00:11:00,781
Well, this hat is an idiot.
275
00:11:00,849 --> 00:11:02,450
Ha ha.
Classic.
276
00:11:02,518 --> 00:11:04,952
Leslie, are you mad
that I came here?
277
00:11:05,020 --> 00:11:06,554
What? No.
278
00:11:06,622 --> 00:11:08,723
I'm not... are you...
you seem mad at me.
279
00:11:08,790 --> 00:11:10,391
No, I'm not...
I'm not mad at you.
280
00:11:10,459 --> 00:11:11,826
- I'm not mad at you.
- I'm not mad at all.
281
00:11:11,894 --> 00:11:14,729
- Neither am I.
- No.
282
00:11:14,796 --> 00:11:17,098
Looks like you two
need to kiss and make up.
283
00:11:17,165 --> 00:11:18,666
- All right.
- Reow.
284
00:11:18,734 --> 00:11:21,936
Hello.
My name is Ron Swanson.
285
00:11:22,004 --> 00:11:24,505
In general, I try never
to speak with people,
286
00:11:24,573 --> 00:11:27,008
but I have been drinking
this Snakejuice thing,
287
00:11:27,042 --> 00:11:28,309
and it's damn good.
288
00:11:28,377 --> 00:11:29,911
You should buy it.
289
00:11:29,978 --> 00:11:31,546
Yeah, okay.
Thanks, man.
290
00:11:31,613 --> 00:11:34,315
Son, you should know
that my recommendation
291
00:11:34,383 --> 00:11:36,250
is essentially a guarantee.
292
00:11:36,318 --> 00:11:38,119
Drink this, now.
293
00:11:40,455 --> 00:11:43,724
Traegermeister!
You made it.
294
00:11:43,792 --> 00:11:46,727
Yeah, I got your email.
We need to talk.
295
00:11:46,795 --> 00:11:50,097
First off, though,
try a little Snakejuice.
296
00:11:50,165 --> 00:11:51,365
It's 140 proof,
297
00:11:51,433 --> 00:11:53,167
which means it's 70% alcohol.
298
00:11:53,235 --> 00:11:54,502
But don't worry.
299
00:11:54,570 --> 00:11:56,370
There's plenty caffeine in it
to keep you awake.
300
00:11:56,438 --> 00:12:00,408
I believe an ounce of that
would literally kill me.
301
00:12:00,475 --> 00:12:02,577
You emailed everyone
at City Hall
302
00:12:02,644 --> 00:12:04,645
and told them to come to a club
303
00:12:04,713 --> 00:12:08,249
that you own to buy alcohol
that you invented.
304
00:12:08,317 --> 00:12:10,851
Government employees
can't use their power
305
00:12:10,919 --> 00:12:12,520
to enhance
their personal wealth.
306
00:12:12,588 --> 00:12:14,188
I totally get
your point, Chris.
307
00:12:14,256 --> 00:12:15,356
It won't happen again.
308
00:12:15,424 --> 00:12:17,425
I just don't see any way
around it.
309
00:12:17,492 --> 00:12:19,260
You're gonna have to sell
your shares in the Snakehole.
310
00:12:19,328 --> 00:12:20,561
No!
311
00:12:20,629 --> 00:12:22,096
T-pain, this guy
bothering you?
312
00:12:22,164 --> 00:12:24,198
- This is my boss.
- Okay, yeah.
313
00:12:24,266 --> 00:12:25,733
You want me to write a rap
about your name?
314
00:12:25,801 --> 00:12:27,201
Yes.
315
00:12:27,269 --> 00:12:29,036
♪ "B" to the "o"
to the double "s" ♪
316
00:12:29,104 --> 00:12:33,174
♪ do what he say,
and you'll be successful ♪
317
00:12:33,241 --> 00:12:35,109
No offense, but maybe
you think I'm going too fast
318
00:12:35,177 --> 00:12:36,577
'cause you're going too slow
with Ben.
319
00:12:36,645 --> 00:12:39,513
No offense, but I'm going slow
because I might lose my job.
320
00:12:39,581 --> 00:12:40,948
Okay, no offense,
but maybe that's
321
00:12:41,016 --> 00:12:42,984
a little bit of an excuse
for not acting on your feelings.
322
00:12:43,051 --> 00:12:44,418
No offense,
but I don't remember you
323
00:12:44,486 --> 00:12:46,287
having a nursing degree
in feelings.
324
00:12:46,355 --> 00:12:47,989
Offense!
That's rude.
325
00:12:48,056 --> 00:12:49,123
I'm gonna go dance.
326
00:12:49,191 --> 00:12:50,658
Douche, you're up.
327
00:12:50,726 --> 00:12:52,526
Uh, uh.
Mmm.
328
00:12:52,594 --> 00:12:54,996
Hey, are you okay?
I heard yelling.
329
00:12:55,063 --> 00:12:56,697
Yeah, I'm very angry,
and I'm really drunk.
330
00:12:56,765 --> 00:13:00,034
Do you want to dance with me?
Go get me another "snorkjuice."
331
00:13:00,102 --> 00:13:02,169
Oh, that's maybe not
the best idea for you.
332
00:13:02,237 --> 00:13:03,804
Forget it. Jean-Ralphio!
333
00:13:03,872 --> 00:13:05,506
- Yes, I'm here.
- Dance up on me.
334
00:13:05,574 --> 00:13:07,541
Yes, yes, yes.
335
00:13:07,609 --> 00:13:09,076
This is my
first fight with Ann,
336
00:13:09,144 --> 00:13:10,511
and it's a doozy.
337
00:13:10,579 --> 00:13:13,314
But I believe that honest
discussions between friends
338
00:13:13,382 --> 00:13:14,849
can lead to deeper intimacy.
339
00:13:14,916 --> 00:13:17,118
This is a watershed moment
in our relationship,
340
00:13:17,185 --> 00:13:18,753
and it's important
that we fight clean.
341
00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:22,690
All I need to do
is focus and stay calm.
342
00:13:22,758 --> 00:13:24,825
You're stupid, and you're drunk
and you're stupid.
343
00:13:26,395 --> 00:13:29,296
Oh! I don't understand
how this is my fault.
344
00:13:29,364 --> 00:13:31,565
It's not... everything
isn't your fault all the time.
345
00:13:31,633 --> 00:13:33,300
Don't always make everything
your fault.
346
00:13:33,368 --> 00:13:36,070
Good! It's not all my fault.
I'm not the stupid jerk.
347
00:13:36,138 --> 00:13:37,872
I'm not the one who's being
a stupid jerk right now.
348
00:13:37,939 --> 00:13:38,939
I didn't mean it like that.
349
00:13:39,007 --> 00:13:40,374
You know
I didn't mean it like that.
350
00:13:40,442 --> 00:13:41,909
I just meant you were
being stupid,
351
00:13:41,977 --> 00:13:43,411
and you were acting
like a jerk.
352
00:13:43,478 --> 00:13:46,147
Look, I'm sorry that I thought
about you for the job, okay?
353
00:13:46,214 --> 00:13:48,416
But sometimes if I don't push
you in the right direction,
354
00:13:48,483 --> 00:13:49,784
you end up standing still.
355
00:13:49,851 --> 00:13:51,786
I was just trying
to do you a favor.
356
00:13:51,853 --> 00:13:54,855
Enough with your favors, okay?
357
00:13:54,923 --> 00:13:56,624
Stop.
358
00:14:00,028 --> 00:14:02,963
Maybe we shouldn't work
together, then.
359
00:14:03,031 --> 00:14:05,299
Maybe we shouldn't.
360
00:14:08,203 --> 00:14:11,105
Every time I cleanse,
I can literally
361
00:14:11,173 --> 00:14:12,940
feel the toxins leaving my body.
362
00:14:13,008 --> 00:14:14,875
I know!
I feel so much healthier.
363
00:14:14,943 --> 00:14:17,712
I've still got a full week
to go before the broth stage.
364
00:14:17,779 --> 00:14:21,682
Mmm! Pre-broth
is an amazing stage.
365
00:14:21,750 --> 00:14:23,350
It's when you're most alert.
366
00:14:23,418 --> 00:14:25,386
Good. Someone
needs to be alert tonight.
367
00:14:25,454 --> 00:14:28,355
This Snakejuice
is basically rat poison.
368
00:14:28,423 --> 00:14:29,924
Everybody's wasted.
369
00:14:29,991 --> 00:14:32,493
You don't even know one thing.
I didn't even say one thing.
370
00:14:32,561 --> 00:14:33,861
And then she asked me
the whole thing,
371
00:14:33,929 --> 00:14:35,229
and I didn't even do it once.
372
00:14:35,297 --> 00:14:37,264
I'm like an elephant, okay?
373
00:14:37,332 --> 00:14:40,568
If I walk into a room,
it's like, okay, he's in there.
374
00:14:41,635 --> 00:14:45,372
Baba booey.
375
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:47,141
Turn this music down.
376
00:14:47,209 --> 00:14:52,079
♪ Farts and poop and love
and stuff ♪
377
00:14:52,147 --> 00:14:55,683
♪ macaroni salad ♪
378
00:15:03,258 --> 00:15:04,692
♪ ♪
379
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,094
- Is this everybody?
- Ann took a cab.
380
00:15:07,162 --> 00:15:09,430
Tom's in the trunk.
Jerry's on the roof.
381
00:15:09,498 --> 00:15:11,432
All right, where to first?
382
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:13,100
Your mother's butt.
383
00:15:15,337 --> 00:15:17,271
I'm so alone.
384
00:15:17,339 --> 00:15:19,774
If even one of you thinks
about dry heaving in my car,
385
00:15:19,841 --> 00:15:21,342
you're all walking home.
386
00:15:26,353 --> 00:15:27,289
Leslie.
387
00:15:28,103 --> 00:15:29,639
I'm here.
388
00:15:31,207 --> 00:15:32,874
We have to go hire
a new PR Director
389
00:15:32,942 --> 00:15:34,142
for the Health Department.
390
00:15:34,210 --> 00:15:36,044
Oh, my God.
I'm so hungover.
391
00:15:36,112 --> 00:15:37,545
I've never been this hungover.
392
00:15:37,613 --> 00:15:39,814
I feel great.
I ran 5k this morning.
393
00:15:39,882 --> 00:15:40,882
Really?
394
00:15:40,950 --> 00:15:42,884
No, I threw up in the shower.
395
00:15:42,952 --> 00:15:44,986
Top of the morning, everyone.
396
00:15:45,054 --> 00:15:48,690
I brought
some burgers and fries.
397
00:15:48,758 --> 00:15:49,858
Eat up.
398
00:15:49,925 --> 00:15:52,227
The protein soaks up the sugar.
399
00:15:53,763 --> 00:15:56,965
First, you take the cow
to the killing floor.
400
00:15:57,033 --> 00:15:59,868
Well, I am out of questions.
401
00:15:59,935 --> 00:16:03,872
Thank you.
We will let you know.
402
00:16:03,939 --> 00:16:05,974
Then our heads will explode,
and we will die.
403
00:16:06,042 --> 00:16:07,709
- Oh, God.
- Oh.
404
00:16:07,777 --> 00:16:10,211
I cannot believe that fight
I had with Ann.
405
00:16:10,279 --> 00:16:12,547
Look, I'm sure you guys
can work it out.
406
00:16:12,615 --> 00:16:15,717
I owe her, like,
a million apologies.
407
00:16:15,785 --> 00:16:17,852
I think I owe you one, too.
408
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:20,622
- I'm sorry.
- For what?
409
00:16:20,690 --> 00:16:23,091
I don't know.
410
00:16:23,159 --> 00:16:24,759
Are you okay?
411
00:16:24,827 --> 00:16:29,030
No, I'm sad.
412
00:16:35,571 --> 00:16:37,372
- Say, thanks, chum.
- Ugh.
413
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:39,140
I'll get those papers
delivered for you...
414
00:16:39,208 --> 00:16:40,809
Whatever.
415
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:43,511
Posthaste.
416
00:16:43,579 --> 00:16:46,815
The doctor says it's probably
not serious, but it might be.
417
00:16:46,882 --> 00:16:50,185
Oh, Kyle, please stop talking.
418
00:16:50,252 --> 00:16:52,220
Why, isn't it Bert Macklin?
419
00:16:52,288 --> 00:16:54,456
What are you doing here,
and who is this sorry Charlie?
420
00:16:54,523 --> 00:16:56,324
I'm Janet Snakehole.
421
00:16:56,392 --> 00:16:58,159
I demand answers,
and I want them now.
422
00:16:58,227 --> 00:16:59,861
Honey, please.
I love you.
423
00:16:59,929 --> 00:17:03,298
No offense, but Bert Macklin
died last night
424
00:17:03,366 --> 00:17:05,567
after the tenth shot
of Snakejuice.
425
00:17:07,403 --> 00:17:11,806
Okay, sorry.
426
00:17:11,874 --> 00:17:13,808
Miss Snakehole.
427
00:17:15,978 --> 00:17:17,979
You think I'd let you
get away that easily?
428
00:17:18,047 --> 00:17:20,515
Bert Macklin may be dead,
429
00:17:20,583 --> 00:17:25,286
but I'm his brother
Kip Hackman.
430
00:17:25,354 --> 00:17:27,689
Why wouldn't you have
his same last name?
431
00:17:27,757 --> 00:17:29,290
Shut up, Kyle.
432
00:17:29,358 --> 00:17:32,026
I know you boosted
those paintings.
433
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:35,230
Maybe it was me, but I'll
never tell you where they are.
434
00:17:35,297 --> 00:17:37,632
And you'll never have
my body either.
435
00:17:43,172 --> 00:17:44,506
Sorry to hear the news, Tom.
436
00:17:44,573 --> 00:17:46,441
We're gonna miss you
around the club.
437
00:17:46,509 --> 00:17:49,010
Hey, you own shares, too.
Why didn't Chris make you sell?
438
00:17:49,078 --> 00:17:50,779
'Cause Chris doesn't know.
439
00:17:50,846 --> 00:17:52,514
You know what?
440
00:17:52,581 --> 00:17:55,083
Snitches get stitches.
441
00:17:55,151 --> 00:17:58,319
- Donna, come on.
- Don't.
442
00:17:58,387 --> 00:17:59,687
I'm a natural moneymaker.
443
00:17:59,755 --> 00:18:02,290
I got into government
for the connections.
444
00:18:02,358 --> 00:18:04,793
This was supposed to be a thing
that led to the other thing.
445
00:18:04,860 --> 00:18:06,594
It's like when Vin
Dboiler room.
446
00:18:06,662 --> 00:18:08,163
That's what lead to him
being XXX and doing Furious.
447
00:18:08,230 --> 00:18:09,497
And Furious.
Yeah, I know.
448
00:18:09,565 --> 00:18:11,266
Listen, I don't like
all this negativity, man.
449
00:18:11,333 --> 00:18:14,636
Why don't you turn that
frizz-own upside-dizz-ity?
450
00:18:14,703 --> 00:18:16,337
Huh?
This sucks, man.
451
00:18:19,208 --> 00:18:21,142
Oh.
452
00:18:21,210 --> 00:18:23,578
You're wearing snow pants.
453
00:18:23,646 --> 00:18:25,013
I got home last night,
454
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,315
and I thought
I might go sledding.
455
00:18:28,784 --> 00:18:29,884
Can I come in?
456
00:18:29,952 --> 00:18:31,920
- Yeah, if you're quiet.
- Okay.
457
00:18:34,657 --> 00:18:36,124
Uh, Leslie doesn't know
I'm here.
458
00:18:36,192 --> 00:18:39,294
Oh, God.
So high school...
459
00:18:39,361 --> 00:18:41,763
I can't believe that Leslie
and I got drunk in a bar
460
00:18:41,831 --> 00:18:43,097
and fought about boys.
461
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:45,133
We're so much better than that.
462
00:18:45,201 --> 00:18:47,535
I just keep having flashes
of things
463
00:18:47,603 --> 00:18:50,104
that we said to each other.
464
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:52,574
And she's so important to me.
465
00:18:52,641 --> 00:18:54,476
I feel like such a dick.
466
00:18:54,543 --> 00:18:56,177
I know she feels awful.
467
00:18:56,245 --> 00:18:59,147
I mean, technically, we all do.
468
00:18:59,215 --> 00:19:01,883
Yeah. What the hell
is in Snakejuice...
469
00:19:01,951 --> 00:19:03,117
Demerol?
470
00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:05,119
All I know is
Leslie's always talking
471
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:08,122
about how lucky she is
to have you as a friend.
472
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:12,861
And I just wanted you
to know that.
473
00:19:12,928 --> 00:19:14,963
You're nice.
474
00:19:15,030 --> 00:19:16,965
I can see why she likes you.
475
00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:19,801
When did she say...
likes me?
476
00:19:19,869 --> 00:19:21,402
Oh, God.
This is so high school.
477
00:19:21,470 --> 00:19:24,739
Just rent a limo,
ask her to the prom.
478
00:19:24,807 --> 00:19:26,074
I'm sure she'll say yes.
479
00:19:26,141 --> 00:19:28,309
All right.
Thanks.
480
00:19:28,377 --> 00:19:30,578
So let me get this straight.
481
00:19:30,646 --> 00:19:32,914
Tom tries to get off
the Government teat,
482
00:19:32,982 --> 00:19:34,148
and we punish him.
483
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,917
That doesn't make
any sense to me.
484
00:19:35,985 --> 00:19:38,152
I'm sorry.
Rules are rules.
485
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:40,255
I wish there was something
we could do.
486
00:19:40,322 --> 00:19:42,390
Ben, is there something
we can do?
487
00:19:42,458 --> 00:19:43,925
Damn it.
Ben's not here.
488
00:19:43,993 --> 00:19:45,660
Tom's not scamming anyone.
489
00:19:45,728 --> 00:19:47,996
He's not savvy enough to
manipulate the system like that.
490
00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:51,199
He's just a kid
chasing a goofy dream.
491
00:19:51,267 --> 00:19:55,236
I'm sorry.
My hands are tied.
492
00:19:55,304 --> 00:19:57,839
Jan Cooper was a terrible wife.
493
00:19:57,907 --> 00:19:59,707
I just want everybody
to know that.
494
00:19:59,775 --> 00:20:01,543
Thank you, Dennis.
495
00:20:01,610 --> 00:20:04,078
But we can't give you
your job back.
496
00:20:04,146 --> 00:20:06,614
You sound just like her.
497
00:20:06,682 --> 00:20:08,249
- That was unpleasant.
- Yeah.
498
00:20:08,317 --> 00:20:10,852
All right, who's next?
499
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:11,953
You came.
500
00:20:12,021 --> 00:20:14,455
Yeah, I had some encouragement.
501
00:20:15,523 --> 00:20:17,692
Your sweater's on inside out.
502
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,028
And backwards.
503
00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:21,596
It's been a tough morning...
504
00:20:21,664 --> 00:20:24,365
lots of regret and shame.
505
00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:27,635
That should be the official
slogan for Snakejuice.
506
00:20:27,703 --> 00:20:30,371
Well, uh,
this committee would like to ask
507
00:20:30,439 --> 00:20:32,106
if you are
the kind of candidate
508
00:20:32,174 --> 00:20:33,675
who could forgive someone
509
00:20:33,742 --> 00:20:35,843
after they've behaved
like a complete jackass?
510
00:20:35,911 --> 00:20:38,246
This candidate could,
511
00:20:38,314 --> 00:20:41,950
especially because
this candidate also behaved
512
00:20:42,017 --> 00:20:43,384
like a total jackass.
513
00:20:43,452 --> 00:20:45,053
Please, don't worry about it.
514
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,854
The committee
totally understands.
515
00:20:46,922 --> 00:20:50,058
Also, I can talk
about my qualifications
516
00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:51,726
for this position.
517
00:20:51,794 --> 00:20:55,396
But first, I am gonna go
throw up in a wastebasket.
518
00:20:55,464 --> 00:20:57,131
Would you mind if I joined you?
519
00:20:57,199 --> 00:20:58,466
Not at all.
520
00:20:58,534 --> 00:21:01,903
Shall we?
521
00:21:01,971 --> 00:21:03,137
Ann came in the next day
522
00:21:03,205 --> 00:21:04,973
and had a second interview
with Chris.
523
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,808
She nailed it, of course.
524
00:21:06,875 --> 00:21:08,977
But she doesn't want
to totally leave her job.
525
00:21:09,044 --> 00:21:11,212
So they struck up a deal.
526
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:12,680
She works at City Hall
part-time,
527
00:21:12,748 --> 00:21:14,983
and two days a week,
she still gets to be
528
00:21:15,050 --> 00:21:16,384
the greatest nurse
in the world.
529
00:21:16,452 --> 00:21:17,785
Win-win.
530
00:21:17,853 --> 00:21:21,222
We need to remember
what's important in life...
531
00:21:21,290 --> 00:21:24,292
friends, waffles, and work.
532
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,227
Or waffles, friends, work...
it doesn't matter.
533
00:21:26,295 --> 00:21:27,729
But work is third.
534
00:21:28,516 --> 00:21:29,817
So listen, Crazy Ira,
check this out, okay?
535
00:21:29,884 --> 00:21:32,285
I'm at this club last night
just killing it...
536
00:21:32,353 --> 00:21:33,586
the Snakehole Lounge.
537
00:21:33,654 --> 00:21:35,855
Oh, yeah, is that a gay club?
538
00:21:35,923 --> 00:21:37,824
Hello?
539
00:21:37,891 --> 00:21:40,093
Shut up, ass.
Come on, man.
540
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:45,231
So I'm dancing on the floor
with this super-hot chick.
541
00:21:45,299 --> 00:21:46,733
♪ Me so horny ♪
542
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,701
More like a dude, I bet.
543
00:21:48,769 --> 00:21:50,637
Hello?
544
00:21:50,704 --> 00:21:52,438
Did you wet your whistle?
545
00:21:52,506 --> 00:21:53,773
I wish.
546
00:21:53,841 --> 00:21:55,041
Me likey.
547
00:21:55,109 --> 00:21:56,376
No, no, no, no.
548
00:21:56,443 --> 00:21:57,977
She spent the whole night
talking to her friend,
549
00:21:58,045 --> 00:22:00,513
- arguing about their feelings.
- That's me!
550
00:22:00,581 --> 00:22:02,581
Who knows?
She's probably a lesbian.
551
00:22:02,881 --> 00:22:05,581
They were in the bathrom
a long time.
552
00:22:05,681 --> 00:22:15,581
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com