1
00:00:01,309 --> 00:00:02,592
- Hey, Leslie
- Hey
2
00:00:02,609 --> 00:00:03,182
Thank you for that
3
00:00:03,183 --> 00:00:05,182
"You're over your maintenance"
cost analysis.
4
00:00:05,193 --> 00:00:06,982
- That was really helpful
- You're so welcome.
5
00:00:06,993 --> 00:00:08,192
I think you may wanna
read it.
6
00:00:08,693 --> 00:00:11,092
´Cause I was uhm...
7
00:00:11,393 --> 00:00:13,292
'Cause I told you that
I wanted to read it?
8
00:00:13,393 --> 00:00:14,492
Yeah
9
00:00:14,609 --> 00:00:15,892
That's a good reason.
10
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,829
Oh, anyway, Chris wants to
see us in his office.
11
00:00:18,896 --> 00:00:19,896
I guess we should head
over there.
12
00:00:19,964 --> 00:00:21,231
- All right.
- All right.
13
00:00:21,299 --> 00:00:22,532
- All right, cool.
- Great.
14
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,001
- See you there.
- I'll see you there, Benjamin.
15
00:00:24,068 --> 00:00:25,302
- Ben.
- All right, Leslie-min.
16
00:00:25,370 --> 00:00:26,987
Leslie.
17
00:00:27,071 --> 00:00:29,239
Hi, Ben.
18
00:00:29,307 --> 00:00:32,009
Oh, hey, Ann.
19
00:00:33,578 --> 00:00:36,713
Wow, that was
the most sexual tension
20
00:00:36,781 --> 00:00:38,582
I have ever seen
in a conversation
21
00:00:38,649 --> 00:00:39,833
about documents.
22
00:00:39,917 --> 00:00:42,169
It can't happen.
We could both get fired.
23
00:00:42,253 --> 00:00:44,254
- That's a dumb rule.
- I know!
24
00:00:44,322 --> 00:00:45,806
Well, if you have to follow it,
25
00:00:45,890 --> 00:00:47,174
I would just suggest
26
00:00:47,258 --> 00:00:51,128
avoiding one-on-one,
tension-y situations with him.
27
00:00:51,195 --> 00:00:53,330
You're right.
Good plan.
28
00:00:53,398 --> 00:00:55,515
I am sending you two on a trip.
29
00:00:56,768 --> 00:00:58,035
Really?
30
00:00:58,102 --> 00:00:59,736
The Indiana little league
baseball tournament
31
00:00:59,804 --> 00:01:03,373
is upon us, and Pawnee
hasn't hosted it in 20 years.
32
00:01:03,441 --> 00:01:05,575
So, I would like you two
to go to Indianapolis
33
00:01:05,643 --> 00:01:06,993
and state our case,
34
00:01:07,078 --> 00:01:10,113
because you two
are my dynamic duo.
35
00:01:10,164 --> 00:01:14,785
Put it here.
Eh, eh-eh, eh...
36
00:01:14,852 --> 00:01:15,786
- Go team!
- Yeah.
37
00:01:15,837 --> 00:01:25,789
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
38
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,475
Ann, everything you have
is too sexy.
39
00:01:38,526 --> 00:01:40,644
This is actually the dress
that Julia Roberts wore
40
00:01:40,711 --> 00:01:42,045
as a prostitute
in Pretty Woman.
41
00:01:42,113 --> 00:01:44,197
I know.
I look really good in it.
42
00:01:44,282 --> 00:01:45,866
I need, like,
a sweat suit or something.
43
00:01:45,950 --> 00:01:48,285
I need to send out a signal
that nothing is gonna happen.
44
00:01:48,352 --> 00:01:50,070
Oh, this is insane.
45
00:01:50,154 --> 00:01:52,656
It's so obvious
you're dying to be together.
46
00:01:52,723 --> 00:01:54,057
And now you're going
on a road trip?
47
00:01:54,125 --> 00:01:56,493
I mean, you guys
could literally "get a room."
48
00:01:56,561 --> 00:01:58,161
Yeah, and I could
literally get a-fired.
49
00:01:58,212 --> 00:02:00,547
All right, I will help you
anti-seduce him.
50
00:02:00,631 --> 00:02:02,415
Just tell me
what else you need.
51
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:05,235
I need to think of unsexy,
boring conversation topics
52
00:02:05,303 --> 00:02:06,503
we can talk about in the car.
53
00:02:06,554 --> 00:02:08,505
I have a few ideas.
54
00:02:08,573 --> 00:02:10,090
We could discuss
the New Yorker article
55
00:02:10,174 --> 00:02:11,892
"The history of the ladder."
56
00:02:11,976 --> 00:02:13,059
Okay.
57
00:02:13,144 --> 00:02:14,561
We could talk
about different dorms
58
00:02:14,645 --> 00:02:16,012
at Johns Hopkins University,
59
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,849
and I could read
from my Sonicare booklet.
60
00:02:18,916 --> 00:02:20,884
- Oh, I have a good idea!
- What?
61
00:02:20,952 --> 00:02:23,553
Why don't you ask him
about his penis?
62
00:02:26,357 --> 00:02:28,525
Pawnee Zoo, monkey speaking.
63
00:02:31,095 --> 00:02:33,029
Okay, everyone stop
what you're doing
64
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,081
and come with me...
all four of you.
65
00:02:35,166 --> 00:02:37,033
- Where are you going?
- Leslie's not here today.
66
00:02:37,101 --> 00:02:38,418
No boss.
We can do whatever we want.
67
00:02:38,503 --> 00:02:40,036
I'm your boss.
68
00:02:40,104 --> 00:02:42,439
That's a good one, Ron.
69
00:02:42,507 --> 00:02:44,624
Let's go, seriously.
Come on.
70
00:02:44,709 --> 00:02:46,209
Here's the sitch.
71
00:02:46,277 --> 00:02:47,811
I developed
a dope new game show
72
00:02:47,879 --> 00:02:50,013
where I ask couples
scandalous questions,
73
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:52,015
and they have to guess
what the other one answered.
74
00:02:52,083 --> 00:02:54,518
I call this Know ya Boo.
75
00:02:54,585 --> 00:02:56,353
Oh, that sounds like
The Newlywed Game.
76
00:02:56,420 --> 00:02:57,687
Shut up, Jerry!
77
00:02:57,755 --> 00:02:59,055
It's not The Newlywed Game okay?
78
00:02:59,123 --> 00:03:01,791
It is totally
The Newlywed Game.
79
00:03:01,859 --> 00:03:03,760
But big deal.
Everyone steals.
80
00:03:03,811 --> 00:03:05,278
My favorite movie
is Love don't cost a thing,
81
00:03:05,363 --> 00:03:06,496
with Nick Cannon,
82
00:03:06,564 --> 00:03:08,265
which is based on
Can't buy me love,
83
00:03:08,332 --> 00:03:10,500
which is based on
Kramer vs. Kramer
84
00:03:10,568 --> 00:03:11,935
or something,
which I think was Shakespeare.
85
00:03:11,986 --> 00:03:13,954
Don't know, don't care.
86
00:03:14,038 --> 00:03:15,472
And what exactly
do you plan on doing
87
00:03:15,540 --> 00:03:16,573
with this game show idea?
88
00:03:16,641 --> 00:03:19,176
Are you going to
shove it up your butt?
89
00:03:19,243 --> 00:03:21,645
No, I'm gonna test it out
on you four bing-bongs
90
00:03:21,712 --> 00:03:23,146
and work out the kinks,
91
00:03:23,214 --> 00:03:25,382
then hire actual attractive
people, and make a demo.
92
00:03:25,449 --> 00:03:27,717
What network is gonna buy
a game show from you?
93
00:03:27,785 --> 00:03:29,686
There's a million networks
out there,
94
00:03:29,754 --> 00:03:30,954
and they all need programming.
95
00:03:31,022 --> 00:03:33,890
Spike, G4, GSN, Fuse,
96
00:03:33,958 --> 00:03:35,458
WoW, Boom, Zip, Kablam,
97
00:03:35,526 --> 00:03:38,061
Slurp, Slurp Latin, Slurp HD.
98
00:03:38,128 --> 00:03:39,629
I love Slurp HD.
99
00:03:39,697 --> 00:03:41,431
Have you guys seen
Ultimate Battle Smoothie?
100
00:03:41,499 --> 00:03:43,266
- That's a dope show.
- Oh, my God.
101
00:03:43,334 --> 00:03:46,052
Yeah, so, basically
every dorm allows bed lofting,
102
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:47,854
but the students
have really taken to it
103
00:03:47,939 --> 00:03:49,022
at Wolman and McCoy.
104
00:03:49,106 --> 00:03:50,824
Did you go to Johns Hopkins?
105
00:03:50,908 --> 00:03:52,742
No.
106
00:03:53,810 --> 00:03:55,879
Do you wanna play some music?
107
00:03:55,947 --> 00:03:59,115
Sure! Ann and I burned
an awesome CD for the trip.
108
00:03:59,183 --> 00:04:01,318
Jimmy Carter's
Crisis of Confidence speech,
109
00:04:01,385 --> 00:04:03,353
Learning to speak Mandarin,
110
00:04:03,421 --> 00:04:06,523
16 minutes of
Old timey car horn,
111
00:04:06,591 --> 00:04:10,760
and something called
Banjo Boogie Bonanza.
112
00:04:14,465 --> 00:04:16,516
It's an amazing instrument,
the banjo.
113
00:04:17,601 --> 00:04:18,301
Yeah.
114
00:04:18,352 --> 00:04:20,553
I didn't realize
it... it could be this loud.
115
00:04:23,941 --> 00:04:25,942
Hello?
116
00:04:26,010 --> 00:04:27,811
Hello?
117
00:04:27,862 --> 00:04:29,746
Can I help you?
118
00:04:29,814 --> 00:04:31,281
Hi. My class is here
on a field trip,
119
00:04:31,348 --> 00:04:34,618
and I'm supposed to interview
someone for a school project.
120
00:04:34,685 --> 00:04:37,020
Okay. You can wait
at that table,
121
00:04:37,071 --> 00:04:41,057
and someone
will be here sometime.
122
00:04:41,125 --> 00:04:42,792
But aren't you here now?
123
00:04:44,362 --> 00:04:47,080
No.
124
00:04:47,164 --> 00:04:48,798
♪ Ba na na na na na
na na na na ♪
125
00:04:48,866 --> 00:04:51,701
It's time to know ya...
126
00:04:53,537 --> 00:04:55,371
I don't have the instrumental
backing track yet,
127
00:04:55,423 --> 00:04:56,906
but it's gonna say
"boo" right there.
128
00:04:56,974 --> 00:04:58,308
Hey, everybody!
129
00:04:58,376 --> 00:04:59,893
Welcome Know ya Boo.
130
00:04:59,977 --> 00:05:01,428
I'm your host, TomHaverford,
131
00:05:01,512 --> 00:05:04,948
and with me as always
is my CGI puppy co-host,
132
00:05:05,016 --> 00:05:06,683
Bobby the boo!
133
00:05:06,734 --> 00:05:08,435
Hey, everybody!
134
00:05:08,519 --> 00:05:10,487
All right, let's get to it.
135
00:05:10,554 --> 00:05:12,572
First question...
136
00:05:12,657 --> 00:05:14,941
fellas, which rock star
would your lady bang
137
00:05:15,026 --> 00:05:17,360
if she could bang
one rock star?
138
00:05:17,411 --> 00:05:18,912
Jerry!
139
00:05:18,996 --> 00:05:23,133
I believe I have heard Donna
talk about Prince a lot.
140
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,284
What'd your boo say?
141
00:05:24,368 --> 00:05:27,370
Ah!
142
00:05:27,421 --> 00:05:28,538
- Impressive!
- Hee hee!
143
00:05:28,606 --> 00:05:30,340
All right, Andy,
144
00:05:30,408 --> 00:05:31,941
which rock star
would your lady get with?
145
00:05:32,009 --> 00:05:35,178
Um, this is
almost too easy... me!
146
00:05:35,245 --> 00:05:36,813
Let's check in with ya boo!
147
00:05:36,881 --> 00:05:39,182
- Yay!
- Oh!
148
00:05:39,249 --> 00:05:41,384
Sorry.
149
00:05:41,435 --> 00:05:43,103
Who is Jeff Mangum?
150
00:05:43,187 --> 00:05:44,854
The guy
from Neutral Milk Hotel.
151
00:05:44,922 --> 00:05:47,023
Oh! Oh.
152
00:05:47,091 --> 00:05:49,492
Neutral Milk Hotel.
What is that?
153
00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:50,694
That's my favorite band.
154
00:05:50,761 --> 00:05:52,195
I've told you that,
like, a thousand times.
155
00:05:52,262 --> 00:05:54,798
I don't remember.
Why wouldn't you pick me?
156
00:05:54,865 --> 00:05:57,300
I don't know. You're
not technically a rock star.
157
00:05:57,368 --> 00:05:59,119
Booyah!
158
00:05:59,203 --> 00:06:00,737
Somebody don't know their boo!
159
00:06:00,788 --> 00:06:02,238
That's the sound bite
that's gonna play
160
00:06:02,306 --> 00:06:03,473
when a fight breaks out.
161
00:06:04,541 --> 00:06:05,959
Look, little girl,
162
00:06:06,043 --> 00:06:08,244
can we postpone this
for another day?
163
00:06:08,312 --> 00:06:10,580
It's unsettling
having you just sit there.
164
00:06:10,648 --> 00:06:12,582
But my report's due tomorrow.
165
00:06:12,650 --> 00:06:15,018
- What's it on?
- Why government matters.
166
00:06:15,086 --> 00:06:17,053
Really?
167
00:06:17,121 --> 00:06:18,888
It's never too early to learn
168
00:06:18,956 --> 00:06:21,091
that the government
is a greedy piglet
169
00:06:21,158 --> 00:06:23,259
that suckles
on a taxpayer's teat
170
00:06:23,327 --> 00:06:26,396
until they have
sore, chapped nipples.
171
00:06:29,166 --> 00:06:30,500
I'm gonna need
a different metaphor
172
00:06:30,568 --> 00:06:32,669
to give this nine-year-old.
173
00:06:32,737 --> 00:06:34,070
What's your name, ma'am?
174
00:06:34,138 --> 00:06:35,355
Lauren Berkus.
175
00:06:35,439 --> 00:06:38,525
Lauren, my name is Ron Swanson,
176
00:06:38,609 --> 00:06:41,344
and I'm gonna tell you
everything you need to know
177
00:06:41,412 --> 00:06:43,079
about the miserable,
screwed-up world
178
00:06:43,147 --> 00:06:45,415
of local government.
179
00:06:45,483 --> 00:06:47,083
You have mustard
in your moustache.
180
00:06:47,151 --> 00:06:50,687
Don't sass me, Berkus.
Let's get started.
181
00:06:50,755 --> 00:06:54,891
"Life, liberty, and property."
That's John Locke.
182
00:06:57,795 --> 00:06:59,179
What is this?
183
00:06:59,263 --> 00:07:00,797
Whale sounds.
184
00:07:00,865 --> 00:07:02,132
Okay.
185
00:07:02,183 --> 00:07:03,850
You can change it if you want.
186
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:05,435
Yeah?
187
00:07:07,838 --> 00:07:09,022
What the hell?
188
00:07:09,106 --> 00:07:10,807
Oh, no, no, no.
This is such a great song.
189
00:07:12,009 --> 00:07:15,612
Yeah, I snuck
an Al Green song in there.
190
00:07:15,679 --> 00:07:17,414
I want them to get together.
191
00:07:17,481 --> 00:07:18,782
Sue me.
192
00:07:18,849 --> 00:07:19,949
Did you see this?
193
00:07:20,017 --> 00:07:21,317
According to their rules,
194
00:07:21,368 --> 00:07:23,403
we may not have enough
hotel rooms within city limits.
195
00:07:23,487 --> 00:07:25,121
I know.
It's a silly rule.
196
00:07:25,189 --> 00:07:27,290
But maybe they'll be
reasonable and not care.
197
00:07:27,357 --> 00:07:29,025
Yeah, maybe we could
just point out to them
198
00:07:29,076 --> 00:07:31,377
there are tons of hotel rooms
just outside city limits.
199
00:07:31,462 --> 00:07:32,712
Uh-huh.
200
00:07:32,797 --> 00:07:34,831
Have you been to
the Grandville Hotel and Spa?
201
00:07:34,882 --> 00:07:37,967
- Uh-uh.
- They have the softest towels.
202
00:07:38,035 --> 00:07:40,303
Oh, I gotta tell ya.
I love a nice towel in my life.
203
00:07:40,371 --> 00:07:41,554
Me too.
I know.
204
00:07:41,639 --> 00:07:43,239
It's... I mean,
it's the simplest luxury,
205
00:07:43,307 --> 00:07:44,591
but it makes
all the difference.
206
00:07:44,675 --> 00:07:46,009
Their bath mats are amazing.
207
00:07:46,060 --> 00:07:47,644
It's like stepping on a lamb.
208
00:07:50,097 --> 00:07:53,183
Oh, hold on.
Hey, come here.
209
00:07:53,234 --> 00:07:56,402
You've got an eyelash
on your face.
210
00:07:56,487 --> 00:07:58,822
I got it.
Make a wish.
211
00:07:58,889 --> 00:08:01,074
Learning to speak Mandarin.
Unit three...
212
00:08:01,158 --> 00:08:02,926
- Get away from me.
- Sorry.
213
00:08:02,993 --> 00:08:04,561
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
214
00:08:04,628 --> 00:08:05,895
- Um...
- Um...
215
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:07,630
I'm allergic to fingers.
216
00:08:07,698 --> 00:08:09,899
Where are you going?
217
00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:11,634
Maybe we should just
not talk to each other
218
00:08:11,702 --> 00:08:13,002
for the rest of the trip,
219
00:08:13,070 --> 00:08:15,088
and I'm just gonna concentrate
on the presentation.
220
00:08:15,172 --> 00:08:16,405
Okay.
221
00:08:16,457 --> 00:08:19,242
This is my little brother.
222
00:08:22,357 --> 00:08:23,342
Next up.
223
00:08:23,357 --> 00:08:26,242
The delegation
from Pawnee, please?.
224
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:28,791
And, so, as you can see,
225
00:08:28,858 --> 00:08:30,960
Pawnee has 12 beautiful
baseball diamonds,
226
00:08:31,028 --> 00:08:33,496
and our seats
have extra cushioning
227
00:08:33,564 --> 00:08:35,798
due to the massive size
of our average citizen.
228
00:08:35,866 --> 00:08:37,967
I have to bring up
what happened
229
00:08:38,034 --> 00:08:40,236
the last time Pawnee
hosted this tournament.
230
00:08:40,304 --> 00:08:41,504
No, you don't.
231
00:08:41,572 --> 00:08:42,738
Good evening.
232
00:08:42,806 --> 00:08:44,740
We begin with
our first story tonight.
233
00:08:44,808 --> 00:08:46,442
They're cute, they're cuddly,
234
00:08:46,510 --> 00:08:48,210
but now they're wreaking havoc
235
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,912
at the State
Little League Championship.
236
00:08:49,980 --> 00:08:52,315
Pawnee's raccoon infestation.
237
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,234
Have these
little bandits stolen
238
00:08:55,319 --> 00:08:57,219
our sense of safety?
239
00:08:57,271 --> 00:08:59,622
The raccoon problem
is under control.
240
00:08:59,690 --> 00:09:00,906
They have their part
of the town,
241
00:09:00,991 --> 00:09:02,241
and we have ours.
242
00:09:02,326 --> 00:09:05,227
Muncie is larger.
Bloomington is more central.
243
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,730
What's the advantage
of doing it in Pawnee?
244
00:09:07,798 --> 00:09:11,567
The advantage is
that it's a wonderful city.
245
00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:14,036
I mean, look,
I've been to 40 some odd towns
246
00:09:14,104 --> 00:09:15,938
in Indiana,
247
00:09:16,006 --> 00:09:17,907
and Pawnee is special.
248
00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:20,409
I mean, the people
are passionate and kind.
249
00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:22,278
They love their city.
250
00:09:22,346 --> 00:09:25,982
They take pride in their work.
251
00:09:26,049 --> 00:09:29,352
It's a very,
very special place.
252
00:09:33,423 --> 00:09:36,292
Hey, it's Tom Haverford
back here with Know ya Boo.
253
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,194
Let's move
to the next question.
254
00:09:38,261 --> 00:09:41,614
Where is your favorite place
to smush ya boo?
255
00:09:41,698 --> 00:09:44,266
- Donna!
- Back of my Benz?
256
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,569
Let's check in with ya boo!
257
00:09:46,637 --> 00:09:47,737
Her said her Mercedes!
258
00:09:49,773 --> 00:09:50,990
Jerry and Donna on fire.
259
00:09:51,074 --> 00:09:53,876
- April?
- This question is gross.
260
00:09:53,944 --> 00:09:56,112
That's kind of the point.
What's your answer?
261
00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:59,749
- In our bed, I guess.
- Andy?
262
00:09:59,816 --> 00:10:01,617
Where's your boo's
favorite place to smush?
263
00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:03,919
At the Neutral Milk Hotel.
264
00:10:03,987 --> 00:10:06,055
- Get over it.
- No, you get over it.
265
00:10:06,122 --> 00:10:07,340
You like some other dude's
band more than me.
266
00:10:07,424 --> 00:10:08,591
Do you even think
that Mouse Rat
267
00:10:08,659 --> 00:10:09,925
is the greatest band
in the world?
268
00:10:09,976 --> 00:10:11,460
'Cause it's starting
to not feel that way.
269
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:12,795
That band is
really important to me,
270
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:14,530
and, honestly, I've asked you
to listen to them,
271
00:10:14,598 --> 00:10:16,098
like, a million times,
and you never have, so...
272
00:10:16,166 --> 00:10:18,317
'cause their music is sad,
and depressing, and weird.
273
00:10:18,402 --> 00:10:21,771
And art is supposed to be
happy and fun,
274
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,189
and everyone knows that.
275
00:10:23,273 --> 00:10:25,140
You know what?
Whatever. Forget it.
276
00:10:26,943 --> 00:10:28,778
Fine, forget it.
277
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:31,280
Damn!
This game's got juice.
278
00:10:31,348 --> 00:10:34,583
This is your lunch.
279
00:10:34,651 --> 00:10:37,152
Now, you should be able to do
whatever you want to with this,
280
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:38,254
right?
281
00:10:38,321 --> 00:10:40,089
If you wanna eat
all of it, great.
282
00:10:40,156 --> 00:10:41,657
If you wanna throw it away
in the garbage,
283
00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:43,175
that's your prerogative.
284
00:10:43,260 --> 00:10:46,178
But here I come,
the government...
285
00:10:49,599 --> 00:10:53,002
And I get to take 40 percent
of your lunch.
286
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:58,207
And that, Lauren,
is how taxes work.
287
00:10:58,275 --> 00:11:00,710
- But that's not fair.
- You're learning.
288
00:11:00,777 --> 00:11:04,547
Uh-oh,
Capital Gains Tax.
289
00:11:05,615 --> 00:11:07,416
Well, Chris says
congratulations
290
00:11:07,484 --> 00:11:10,185
and that together
we're unstoppable.
291
00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:12,187
- Wow, cheers, sir!
- Yup.
292
00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:13,522
- You did it.
- No, you did it.
293
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:15,524
No, normally I do it.
294
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:16,859
This time you did it.
295
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:18,461
- No.
- You should take the praise.
296
00:11:18,528 --> 00:11:20,396
Can I get a shot of you guys?
297
00:11:20,464 --> 00:11:21,797
- Yeah.
- Sure.
298
00:11:23,533 --> 00:11:25,234
Uh, hey,
when this thing's over,
299
00:11:25,302 --> 00:11:27,036
do you wanna grab some dinner?
300
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:28,637
Uh, Chris recommended a place.
301
00:11:28,705 --> 00:11:31,407
- Sure.
- Yeah?
302
00:11:31,475 --> 00:11:33,476
Um, hey, we were thinking
about going to dinner,
303
00:11:33,543 --> 00:11:34,810
photographer.
304
00:11:34,878 --> 00:11:36,645
You want in?
You wanna grab some grub?
305
00:11:36,713 --> 00:11:39,432
- Uh, no, thanks.
- They have great burgers.
306
00:11:39,516 --> 00:11:41,617
Well, you don't even know
where we're going yet, so...
307
00:11:41,685 --> 00:11:43,569
I'm sure they have
great burgers there, though.
308
00:11:43,653 --> 00:11:46,071
Come on, photographer.
Last chance.
309
00:11:46,156 --> 00:11:47,923
Uh, okay.
310
00:11:47,991 --> 00:11:49,608
Well, then, it's just us then.
311
00:11:49,693 --> 00:11:52,528
- Yeah.
- Sure. Okay. I tried.
312
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:56,031
And that, Lauren,
is how FDR ruined this country.
313
00:11:56,099 --> 00:11:59,067
Lauren, ready to head back?
314
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:01,570
Well, I guess it's time
for you to head home.
315
00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:03,739
I've really enjoyed
talking with you.
316
00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:05,925
You are...
and this is not a joke...
317
00:12:06,009 --> 00:12:08,010
much smarter
than most of the people
318
00:12:08,078 --> 00:12:09,378
who work in this building.
319
00:12:09,446 --> 00:12:12,047
I liked talking
with you, too, Mr. Swanson.
320
00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:13,549
Ron.
321
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,418
Hang on, hang on,
I have something for you.
322
00:12:18,021 --> 00:12:21,090
This is a Claymore land mine.
323
00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:23,759
Use that to protect
your property.
324
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:26,595
- Thanks, Ron.
- You got it.
325
00:12:29,065 --> 00:12:31,700
Tommy Hilfiger
iPhone app finally.
326
00:12:31,768 --> 00:12:34,236
Hey, your stupid
Know your Boo game
327
00:12:34,304 --> 00:12:35,905
made me and Andy
get in a big fight.
328
00:12:35,972 --> 00:12:37,406
He just sold his guitar,
329
00:12:37,474 --> 00:12:38,958
and he's, like,
quitting music now.
330
00:12:39,042 --> 00:12:41,811
What do you want me
to do about it?
331
00:12:41,878 --> 00:12:44,814
Okay, welcome to the super
awesome bonus lightning round.
332
00:12:44,881 --> 00:12:46,315
First question...
333
00:12:46,383 --> 00:12:49,819
Andy, who did your boo say
makes the best mac and cheese
334
00:12:49,886 --> 00:12:50,953
in the universe?
335
00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:53,956
The universe?
336
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:56,659
Ooh. Kraft?
337
00:12:56,726 --> 00:13:00,663
- April said...Andy!
- Aw.
338
00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:02,631
Best couple ever.
You just won 50 points.
339
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,132
Wait, why?
We got it wrong.
340
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:06,018
Next lightning round thing.
341
00:13:06,102 --> 00:13:10,356
Who is the number one Colts fan
in the world?
342
00:13:12,442 --> 00:13:13,876
Wait a minute.
343
00:13:13,944 --> 00:13:16,011
You set this whole thing up
so I would be un-mad at you.
344
00:13:16,079 --> 00:13:18,180
Well, guess what,
ain't gonna work.
345
00:13:18,248 --> 00:13:20,315
You figured out
April's trying to trick you.
346
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:21,784
That's worth 100 points.
347
00:13:21,852 --> 00:13:25,287
Wait, no.
348
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:27,322
Good-bye.
349
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,962
You were really great
in that presentation today.
350
00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:34,196
Oh, thanks.
351
00:13:34,264 --> 00:13:35,664
I liked the stuff
you said about Pawnee.
352
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,466
That was really nice to hear.
353
00:13:37,534 --> 00:13:39,201
You know, Pawnee
is a really special town.
354
00:13:39,269 --> 00:13:41,937
I, uh, love living there.
355
00:13:42,005 --> 00:13:44,640
And, um...
356
00:13:44,708 --> 00:13:46,709
And I look forward
to the moments in my day
357
00:13:46,776 --> 00:13:50,779
where I... I... where I get
to hang out with the town
358
00:13:50,847 --> 00:13:53,482
and talk to the town
about stuff.
359
00:13:53,550 --> 00:13:56,685
And the town has
really nice blond hair, too,
360
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,455
and has read a shocking number
of political biographies
361
00:13:59,522 --> 00:14:01,323
for a town, which I like.
362
00:14:01,391 --> 00:14:03,993
- Oh, God.
- I'm sorry.
363
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:05,461
And I know
we can get into trouble,
364
00:14:05,528 --> 00:14:07,963
but I-I... I can't
take this anymore,
365
00:14:08,031 --> 00:14:10,900
and I feel like we have to
at least talk about it.
366
00:14:10,967 --> 00:14:13,469
I mean,
it's not just me, right?
367
00:14:14,536 --> 00:14:16,205
No, it's not just you.
368
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:21,760
Oh, God.
369
00:14:21,845 --> 00:14:23,395
- What? Are you... are...
- Ugh.
370
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,180
- Are you all right?
- Perfect.
371
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:26,715
I'm gonna go see a man
about some porcelain,
372
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:28,083
you know what I mean?
373
00:14:28,151 --> 00:14:29,485
I'm not buying cocaine.
I'm going to the bathroom.
374
00:14:29,552 --> 00:14:30,986
The whiz palace,
as I like to call it.
375
00:14:31,054 --> 00:14:33,388
And I'm not calling Ann, so...
376
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,591
Ann, we have
a serious code Ben.
377
00:14:35,659 --> 00:14:37,326
Well, it's not really code
if you say his name.
378
00:14:37,394 --> 00:14:38,794
He told me that he liked me,
379
00:14:38,862 --> 00:14:40,596
and I'm gonna go make out
with him right now
380
00:14:40,664 --> 00:14:41,931
on his face.
381
00:14:41,998 --> 00:14:45,084
- That's awesome!
- No, no, read me the script.
382
00:14:45,168 --> 00:14:47,002
- Seriously?
- Yes!
383
00:14:47,070 --> 00:14:48,837
All right.
384
00:14:48,905 --> 00:14:50,873
"Leslie, it's Leslie Knope
from the Parks Department
385
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,374
"speaking to you
through Ann Perkins,
386
00:14:52,442 --> 00:14:53,592
friend and beautiful nurse."
387
00:14:53,677 --> 00:14:55,010
Thank you.
388
00:14:55,078 --> 00:14:56,512
"Do not do anything with Ben.
389
00:14:56,579 --> 00:14:58,881
"Be responsible, no matter
how cute his mouth is.
390
00:14:58,949 --> 00:15:00,883
Your job is on the line!"
391
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:02,685
- Shut up, Ann!
- You wrote that.
392
00:15:02,752 --> 00:15:05,354
No, you...
then Leslie, Leslie,
393
00:15:05,422 --> 00:15:06,722
you don't know
what you're talking about.
394
00:15:06,790 --> 00:15:08,357
I care about him very much,
395
00:15:08,425 --> 00:15:10,526
and I've had 2 1/2 glasses
of red wine,
396
00:15:10,593 --> 00:15:11,944
and what that means is
I'm gonna go make out with him
397
00:15:12,028 --> 00:15:13,429
right now,
and it's gonna be awesome.
398
00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:14,980
Yay!
399
00:15:15,065 --> 00:15:16,765
No, you're supposed
to talk me out of this.
400
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,701
No, don't, stop.
401
00:15:18,768 --> 00:15:20,569
Shut up, Ann,
I'm doing it anyway.
402
00:15:20,637 --> 00:15:22,237
Yay!
403
00:15:24,741 --> 00:15:26,075
Leslie!
404
00:15:28,841 --> 00:15:31,075
When Ben told me
that you had won the bid,
405
00:15:31,269 --> 00:15:32,869
I was wildly ecstatic,
406
00:15:32,937 --> 00:15:34,771
and I had to come up here
and celebrate with you.
407
00:15:34,839 --> 00:15:36,473
There is literally nothing
in this world
408
00:15:36,524 --> 00:15:38,008
that you cannot do.
409
00:15:38,059 --> 00:15:40,544
So, what's the plan now?
Should we take a long walk?
410
00:15:40,611 --> 00:15:42,779
Mini-golf.
411
00:15:42,847 --> 00:15:44,247
I'll probably...
do you...
412
00:15:44,315 --> 00:15:45,782
shouldn't we
just go back to Pawnee?
413
00:15:45,850 --> 00:15:47,117
- Yeah.
- Nonsense.
414
00:15:47,185 --> 00:15:49,453
There's no reason to drive
all the way back home.
415
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,571
I've got a perfectly good condo
right here in the city.
416
00:15:51,656 --> 00:15:53,190
Oh, we couldn't
put you out like that.
417
00:15:53,257 --> 00:15:55,425
Double nonsense. I would love
to have you stay with me.
418
00:15:55,493 --> 00:15:56,910
Leslie, you can take
the guest room,
419
00:15:56,995 --> 00:16:00,364
and, Ben, you have to sleep
on my couch.
420
00:16:00,431 --> 00:16:02,199
It is literally
421
00:16:02,266 --> 00:16:03,867
the comfiest couch
you've ever been on.
422
00:16:07,271 --> 00:16:10,540
This is weird.
423
00:16:10,591 --> 00:16:12,208
We're on Chris' couch.
424
00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:14,928
Yup, we are,
and I'm wearing his clothes.
425
00:16:18,883 --> 00:16:22,919
- Uh, well...
- Well...
426
00:16:22,987 --> 00:16:25,622
Sorry, I keep myself
very well hydrated,
427
00:16:25,690 --> 00:16:27,758
and my bladder
is the size of a thimble.
428
00:16:27,825 --> 00:16:30,060
I urinate
roughly 12 times a night.
429
00:16:31,612 --> 00:16:34,297
I think I might go to bed,
too, actually.
430
00:16:34,365 --> 00:16:35,799
Oh, yeah?
431
00:16:35,867 --> 00:16:37,034
Okay.
432
00:16:37,101 --> 00:16:39,586
Um, well, look...
433
00:16:41,239 --> 00:16:44,124
Good job, again, today.
It was...
434
00:16:44,208 --> 00:16:45,625
- You too.
- Really?
435
00:16:45,710 --> 00:16:46,843
Yeah.
436
00:16:46,911 --> 00:16:48,311
Well, that was quick
and to the point.
437
00:16:48,379 --> 00:16:50,080
- Here's a tip.
- Mm?
438
00:16:50,148 --> 00:16:52,132
The key to
a healthy urethra... radishes.
439
00:16:52,216 --> 00:16:54,317
Good, I'm gonna go to bed.
440
00:16:54,385 --> 00:16:56,119
- Good night.
- Good night.
441
00:16:56,187 --> 00:17:00,023
Well, now I'm up.
You wanna boggle?
442
00:17:01,091 --> 00:17:03,426
- Are you Ron Swanson?
- I am.
443
00:17:03,478 --> 00:17:05,295
Okay, what exactly
did you teach my daughter?
444
00:17:05,363 --> 00:17:07,297
Oh, you must be
Mrs. Berkus.
445
00:17:07,365 --> 00:17:08,765
Lauren was supposed
to do a paper
446
00:17:08,816 --> 00:17:10,567
on why government matters.
447
00:17:10,618 --> 00:17:12,069
This is what she wrote.
448
00:17:13,454 --> 00:17:14,654
"It doesn't."
449
00:17:14,739 --> 00:17:16,573
Well said.
450
00:17:16,624 --> 00:17:18,375
- Is this a joke?
- No, ma'am.
451
00:17:18,442 --> 00:17:20,710
I legitimately believe that.
I'm a Libertarian.
452
00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:22,946
Oh, that's nice.
Well, she is a fourth grader.
453
00:17:23,014 --> 00:17:24,664
And fourth graders
aren't supposed to have
454
00:17:24,749 --> 00:17:26,316
their heads crammed
full of weird ideas.
455
00:17:26,384 --> 00:17:27,968
They're supposed to do
cute reports
456
00:17:28,052 --> 00:17:29,086
and get gold stars.
457
00:17:29,137 --> 00:17:30,453
I'm very sorry.
I was only...
458
00:17:30,505 --> 00:17:34,091
and you ate her lunch?
And you gave her a land mine?
459
00:17:34,142 --> 00:17:35,325
Really?
460
00:17:35,393 --> 00:17:38,845
Well, it seemed appropriate
at the time. I...
461
00:17:38,930 --> 00:17:41,098
How??
462
00:17:45,736 --> 00:17:47,737
You know this is
my house, right?
463
00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:50,490
- Yeah, hi.
- Do you wanna come in?
464
00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:54,010
- You okay?
- No.
465
00:17:54,078 --> 00:17:55,545
Andy is totally mad
at me right now,
466
00:17:55,613 --> 00:17:56,913
and I don't know
how to deal with him,
467
00:17:56,981 --> 00:17:58,682
so I thought I would ask you.
468
00:17:58,749 --> 00:18:00,383
You know, Andy and I
broke up so long ago.
469
00:18:00,451 --> 00:18:02,352
I... I don't think that
I'd be the best source to...
470
00:18:02,420 --> 00:18:04,421
please.
471
00:18:04,489 --> 00:18:05,856
What happened?
472
00:18:05,923 --> 00:18:07,591
He doesn't think
I like Mouse Rat.
473
00:18:07,658 --> 00:18:10,293
And all I said to him was that
this other band was better,
474
00:18:10,361 --> 00:18:11,761
but I don't know
why he got all mad,
475
00:18:11,829 --> 00:18:13,463
because it's
like an indisputable fact
476
00:18:13,531 --> 00:18:14,764
that they're better.
They're a real band.
477
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:16,216
Oh, boy. Okay.
478
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:19,102
Well, Andy just wants you to be
proud of him and his music,
479
00:18:19,170 --> 00:18:21,972
so this isn't
really about being right.
480
00:18:22,039 --> 00:18:24,241
It's more about
being supportive.
481
00:18:24,308 --> 00:18:25,642
Oh, wow,
482
00:18:25,710 --> 00:18:28,278
I didn't realize you were
a marriage counselor, Ann.
483
00:18:28,346 --> 00:18:30,780
Sorry.
484
00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:32,716
My instinct
is to be mean to you.
485
00:18:32,783 --> 00:18:35,452
I understand.
486
00:18:35,519 --> 00:18:37,737
O-M-G.
487
00:18:37,822 --> 00:18:39,372
Leslie, I read
that same article...
488
00:18:39,457 --> 00:18:40,657
"The history of the ladder."
489
00:18:40,708 --> 00:18:41,875
It's utterly fascinating.
490
00:18:41,959 --> 00:18:43,493
- Ben, you're gonna love this.
- Really?
491
00:18:43,544 --> 00:18:45,762
Do you know that
the original image of a ladder
492
00:18:45,830 --> 00:18:47,914
is in a cave
in Valencia, Spain,
493
00:18:47,999 --> 00:18:49,365
drawn over 10,000 years ago.
494
00:18:49,417 --> 00:18:50,884
Oh, my God.
How about some music?
495
00:18:57,541 --> 00:18:59,643
That's amazing.
What is this?
496
00:19:06,767 --> 00:19:09,419
Oh, man, I love this song.
497
00:19:10,571 --> 00:19:13,356
♪ The pit, I was in the pit ♪
498
00:19:13,424 --> 00:19:15,025
Wait a minute.
499
00:19:15,076 --> 00:19:18,028
♪ You were in the pit ♪
500
00:19:18,079 --> 00:19:22,782
♪ we all were in the pit ♪
501
00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:24,868
♪ the pit ♪
502
00:19:24,919 --> 00:19:27,704
♪ I was in the pit ♪
503
00:19:27,755 --> 00:19:31,041
♪ you were in the pit ♪
504
00:19:31,092 --> 00:19:36,463
♪ we all were in the pit ♪
505
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:41,134
- What is this?
- Living out my dream.
506
00:19:41,219 --> 00:19:44,221
Playing a show
with the greatest band ever.
507
00:19:44,288 --> 00:19:45,255
That's my guitar.
508
00:19:45,323 --> 00:19:46,773
You bought it back
from Sewage Joe?
509
00:19:46,857 --> 00:19:50,110
I actually stole it
from his office,
510
00:19:50,194 --> 00:19:51,628
but whatever.
511
00:19:51,696 --> 00:19:53,029
He's a weirdo.
512
00:19:55,399 --> 00:19:57,667
Maybe April doesn't think
that we're the greatest band
513
00:19:57,735 --> 00:19:59,869
in the world,
but, man, she loves me,
514
00:19:59,937 --> 00:20:02,038
and I love her.
515
00:20:02,106 --> 00:20:03,673
So, you know, who cares.
516
00:20:03,741 --> 00:20:06,376
I got the greatest wife
in the world!
517
00:20:06,443 --> 00:20:08,444
- Stop.
- We're married!
518
00:20:10,114 --> 00:20:12,582
We're totally
gonna do it later!
519
00:20:12,650 --> 00:20:14,634
Oh, my God.
520
00:20:15,719 --> 00:20:18,088
Well, actually, I think
it's good that Chris showed up,
521
00:20:18,139 --> 00:20:19,589
'cause I wasn't
thinking clearly.
522
00:20:19,657 --> 00:20:22,158
I love my job,
Ben loves his job,
523
00:20:22,226 --> 00:20:24,194
and it's just
not worth the risk.
524
00:20:25,262 --> 00:20:26,363
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
525
00:20:26,430 --> 00:20:28,331
Chris just wanted me
to drop off these receipts.
526
00:20:28,399 --> 00:20:30,400
Oh, well, he's not here.
He took off.
527
00:20:30,467 --> 00:20:32,185
Okay.
528
00:20:44,749 --> 00:20:45,682
Uh-oh.
529
00:20:48,749 --> 00:20:51,192
All I'm saying is...
keep an open mind for a while.
530
00:20:51,349 --> 00:20:54,192
Listen to your teachers
and read all the books you can.
531
00:20:54,849 --> 00:20:59,092
Then when you're eighteen, you can
drink, gamble and become a Libertarian.
532
00:20:59,249 --> 00:21:01,192
The drinking age is 21.
533
00:21:01,549 --> 00:21:04,192
I know...
Another stupid government rule.
534
00:21:05,949 --> 00:21:08,092
- So you write a new paper?
- Yeah.
535
00:21:08,949 --> 00:21:11,492
- Can you autograph this one for me?
- Sure.
536
00:21:11,493 --> 00:21:21,092
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com