1
00:00:03,010 --> 00:00:04,276
April!
2
00:00:04,410 --> 00:00:05,676
Listen, I was trying to buy
3
00:00:05,744 --> 00:00:07,378
this hand-crafted
mahogany wood model
4
00:00:07,946 --> 00:00:10,780
of a B-25 Mitchell
Panchito aircraft.
5
00:00:10,848 --> 00:00:12,982
- Aw, for me?
- Don't sass me.
6
00:00:13,050 --> 00:00:15,418
And I went to this website,
and this ad popped up
7
00:00:15,486 --> 00:00:17,420
that said "Hey, Ron Swanson!
8
00:00:17,488 --> 00:00:19,456
Check out this great offer."
9
00:00:20,523 --> 00:00:21,390
What's your question?
10
00:00:21,459 --> 00:00:23,426
My question is,
what the hell?
11
00:00:23,494 --> 00:00:25,161
Like, how did they know
who you are?
12
00:00:25,228 --> 00:00:27,596
- Yeah.
- Okay.
13
00:00:27,664 --> 00:00:29,965
Um, there are these things
called cookies,
14
00:00:30,032 --> 00:00:32,400
where, like you go to a site
and buy something,
15
00:00:32,469 --> 00:00:34,636
it'll remember you
and then create ads
16
00:00:34,704 --> 00:00:36,004
for other stuff
you might want to buy.
17
00:00:36,072 --> 00:00:39,240
So it learns information?
About me?
18
00:00:39,308 --> 00:00:41,409
That seems like an invasion
of privacy.
19
00:00:41,478 --> 00:00:42,910
Dude, if you think
that's bad,
20
00:00:42,978 --> 00:00:45,913
go to Google Earth
and type in your address.
21
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:03,366
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
22
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:20,266
The point is, Ben and I have been
dating on and off for about a year.
23
00:01:20,579 --> 00:01:23,048
I am, of course, shocked...
24
00:01:23,116 --> 00:01:26,584
And not just because Ben
usually prefers tall brunettes.
25
00:01:26,652 --> 00:01:27,686
We're very sorry
26
00:01:27,753 --> 00:01:30,789
for the position
this puts you in.
27
00:01:30,856 --> 00:01:32,056
What's happening?
28
00:01:32,124 --> 00:01:33,390
Are you hugging me,
or are we fighting?
29
00:01:33,458 --> 00:01:34,591
Are you hugging or fighting?
Let me know.
30
00:01:34,659 --> 00:01:36,427
Neither of those things.
31
00:01:36,494 --> 00:01:38,229
I love both of you.
32
00:01:38,297 --> 00:01:40,664
You are exemplary
government employees.
33
00:01:40,732 --> 00:01:43,367
"Exemplary"? That's the word
we were thinking of.
34
00:01:43,435 --> 00:01:45,436
- Well, it's true.
- Isn't it?
35
00:01:45,503 --> 00:01:47,270
Which makes what
I'm about to say even sadder.
36
00:01:47,338 --> 00:01:48,905
Then don't say it.
37
00:01:48,973 --> 00:01:50,273
I'm launching
a full investigation
38
00:01:50,341 --> 00:01:52,008
into the extent
of your wrongdoing.
39
00:01:52,076 --> 00:01:54,444
Please report Monday first thing
to the council chambers
40
00:01:54,511 --> 00:01:58,048
for your ethics trial
and subsequent punishment.
41
00:02:01,285 --> 00:02:03,352
I told you
we'd feel better.
42
00:02:08,691 --> 00:02:11,260
Your hearing doesn't start
for another two hours.
43
00:02:11,328 --> 00:02:12,728
Well, I wanted
to get here early,
44
00:02:12,795 --> 00:02:14,129
you know,
get a feel of the room.
45
00:02:14,197 --> 00:02:16,398
- So you got here--
- 3:00 A.M.
46
00:02:16,466 --> 00:02:17,867
I couldn't sleep anyway.
47
00:02:17,934 --> 00:02:20,335
Well, I wanted to sneak in
before you got here--
48
00:02:20,402 --> 00:02:23,304
an absurd pipe dream
I now realize was impossible.
49
00:02:23,372 --> 00:02:24,939
Is that a present for me?
50
00:02:25,007 --> 00:02:26,674
Yeah.
What do you think?
51
00:02:27,743 --> 00:02:28,977
Li'l Sebastian.
52
00:02:29,044 --> 00:02:30,678
Yeah, I had him made for you
at the toy store.
53
00:02:30,746 --> 00:02:33,348
Aw, thank you so much
for making my life so wonderful.
54
00:02:33,415 --> 00:02:35,215
- You're welcome.
- I was talking to him.
55
00:02:35,283 --> 00:02:36,850
- Of course.
- But also to you.
56
00:02:36,918 --> 00:02:38,218
Thanks.
57
00:02:38,286 --> 00:02:39,686
I wish we could go
through this together.
58
00:02:39,754 --> 00:02:41,021
Look, it's going to be okay.
59
00:02:41,089 --> 00:02:42,856
You're just gonna get
a slap on the wrist,
60
00:02:42,924 --> 00:02:44,591
maybe a brief suspension.
61
00:02:44,658 --> 00:02:45,759
That's not okay.
62
00:02:45,826 --> 00:02:47,227
That's gonna go
on my permanent record.
63
00:02:47,295 --> 00:02:49,196
I'm not the kind of person
that has a permanent record.
64
00:02:49,264 --> 00:02:52,198
For me, a slap on the wrist
is like a kick to the nuts.
65
00:02:52,266 --> 00:02:54,100
I know it is.
66
00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:55,667
What's gonna happen to you?
67
00:02:55,735 --> 00:02:58,271
Don't worry about me.
68
00:02:58,338 --> 00:03:00,006
Well, look, I'll be outside
all day,
69
00:03:00,073 --> 00:03:02,041
right on the other side
of that wall.
70
00:03:02,109 --> 00:03:05,311
So, if you miss me,
you just look at this...
71
00:03:05,379 --> 00:03:07,212
Wrinkled, hideous monster
72
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,514
and you'll know
I'm sitting there
73
00:03:09,581 --> 00:03:12,117
- rooting for you, okay?
- Okay.
74
00:03:12,184 --> 00:03:13,484
All right.
75
00:03:13,552 --> 00:03:14,920
- Go.
- Okay.
76
00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:17,322
Marcus Everett Langley
was Pawnee's greatest lawyer
77
00:03:17,390 --> 00:03:18,990
at the turn of the century.
78
00:03:19,058 --> 00:03:21,326
His nickname
was "Old Stone Face"
79
00:03:21,394 --> 00:03:22,660
because of his steely demeanor
80
00:03:22,728 --> 00:03:24,995
and because he got in
an accident at the rock quarry
81
00:03:25,063 --> 00:03:27,631
and dynamite blew up his face.
82
00:03:28,398 --> 00:03:29,866
Leslie Knope!
Good morning!
83
00:03:29,934 --> 00:03:32,336
It is snowing outside.
Isn't that great?
84
00:03:32,403 --> 00:03:33,737
You seem like
you're in a good mood.
85
00:03:33,804 --> 00:03:35,506
Actually,
I'm quite miserable.
86
00:03:35,573 --> 00:03:37,508
I admire and respect you,
87
00:03:37,575 --> 00:03:39,575
and dragging you
through an ethics trial
88
00:03:39,643 --> 00:03:41,110
is filling me with sadness.
89
00:03:41,178 --> 00:03:44,480
I have never felt so low.
90
00:03:44,548 --> 00:03:46,649
Well, you're radiating
pure joy.
91
00:03:46,716 --> 00:03:48,884
I went to my herbalist
and got two B-12 shots.
92
00:03:48,952 --> 00:03:52,021
And then I ate an unreasonable
amount of St. John's wort,
93
00:03:52,088 --> 00:03:54,257
and my herbalist took
this weird bee pollen paste
94
00:03:54,324 --> 00:03:55,590
rubbed it around my gums.
95
00:03:55,658 --> 00:03:57,825
And now my mouth feels
like a spaceship.
96
00:03:57,893 --> 00:03:59,794
This is stressful.
97
00:03:59,993 --> 00:04:01,594
And stress
leads to depression.
98
00:04:01,693 --> 00:04:04,494
And if I don't mantain an extremely
high dosages of herbal remedies,
99
00:04:04,793 --> 00:04:07,294
I will get very depressed.
100
00:04:07,537 --> 00:04:09,003
Oh, God.
101
00:04:09,071 --> 00:04:10,705
It's happening right now.
102
00:04:10,773 --> 00:04:13,775
We are here today to determine
whether Leslie Knope
103
00:04:13,842 --> 00:04:15,509
violated any municipal rules
or laws
104
00:04:15,577 --> 00:04:17,278
due to her romantic
relationship
105
00:04:17,345 --> 00:04:18,846
with her superior Ben Wyatt,
106
00:04:18,914 --> 00:04:20,682
whose hearing
will be held tomorrow.
107
00:04:20,749 --> 00:04:22,984
Would you like to make
a statement at this time?
108
00:04:23,552 --> 00:04:24,652
Yes.
109
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,520
I freely admit
to the relationship,
110
00:04:26,588 --> 00:04:28,221
and I will not be fighting
the charges
111
00:04:28,289 --> 00:04:31,024
that we violated Chris' rule.
112
00:04:31,092 --> 00:04:34,494
But we did nothing else wrong
or unethical.
113
00:04:34,562 --> 00:04:37,964
In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindle
exposed her elbow outdoors,
114
00:04:38,032 --> 00:04:40,200
which was a class "A" felony.
115
00:04:40,267 --> 00:04:42,202
Although she felt
the law unjust,
116
00:04:42,269 --> 00:04:44,369
she acknowledged
that she had broken it,
117
00:04:44,437 --> 00:04:47,039
and she nobly accepted
her punishment--
118
00:04:47,107 --> 00:04:48,741
to be set adrift
on Lake Michigan
119
00:04:48,809 --> 00:04:50,542
like a human popsicle.
120
00:04:50,610 --> 00:04:53,512
Look how calm she looks.
That's how I feel--
121
00:04:53,580 --> 00:04:55,047
totally zen.
122
00:04:55,115 --> 00:04:56,782
Ms. Knope, on what day
123
00:04:56,850 --> 00:04:59,484
did your relationship
with Ben Wyatt begin?
124
00:04:59,552 --> 00:05:03,955
Last May, at your request,
Ben and I drove to Indianapolis
125
00:05:04,023 --> 00:05:05,590
to bid for the state
little league tournament.
126
00:05:05,657 --> 00:05:08,026
The night we returned
was the first time
127
00:05:08,094 --> 00:05:10,829
we kissed each other
on each other's mouths.
128
00:05:10,896 --> 00:05:12,496
It was excellent.
129
00:05:13,064 --> 00:05:15,566
That was unnecessary to add.
I'm sorry. I'm nervous.
130
00:05:15,634 --> 00:05:16,900
Next question--
131
00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:19,436
did you ever receive
special treatment
132
00:05:19,503 --> 00:05:22,372
as a result of your relationship
with Ben Wyatt?
133
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:26,276
I received adorable nicknames
and amazing back rubs.
134
00:05:26,344 --> 00:05:27,878
Oh, you mean professionally.
No.
135
00:05:27,946 --> 00:05:31,181
And did you break any local,
state, or federal law
136
00:05:31,249 --> 00:05:33,983
in an effort to cover up your
relationship with Ben Wyatt?
137
00:05:34,051 --> 00:05:36,518
Absolutely not.
138
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,487
Thank you.
Ms. Knope, that is all.
139
00:05:38,555 --> 00:05:40,689
Mr. Traeger, this says you're
gonna be calling 14 witnesses.
140
00:05:40,758 --> 00:05:42,091
Is that correct?
141
00:05:42,159 --> 00:05:43,292
Uh, yes, sir.
142
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:44,693
14?
Why so many?
143
00:05:44,762 --> 00:05:46,829
I've already admitted
that I broke your rule.
144
00:05:46,897 --> 00:05:49,097
It's not my rule, Leslie.
145
00:05:49,165 --> 00:05:51,967
It is an important rule
that exists in every government.
146
00:05:52,034 --> 00:05:53,368
Romantic relationships
147
00:05:53,435 --> 00:05:55,370
between superiors
and their employees
148
00:05:55,437 --> 00:05:57,773
lead to fraud, corruption,
and misuse of public funds.
149
00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,207
And you think
I'm guilty of that?
150
00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:00,809
I think that you began
your relationship
151
00:06:00,877 --> 00:06:02,610
with Ben Wyatt
earlier than you're saying.
152
00:06:02,678 --> 00:06:04,812
I believe that you certainly
received special treatment,
153
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,381
and I think that you may even
be guilty of bribery.
154
00:06:07,448 --> 00:06:08,983
None of those things
are true.
155
00:06:09,050 --> 00:06:11,786
And I will prove it,
Mr. Traeger.
156
00:06:11,853 --> 00:06:13,720
Okay, ten-minute break please.
157
00:06:13,789 --> 00:06:15,055
Here you go, boss.
158
00:06:15,123 --> 00:06:17,992
Okay, guys, we need
to counter every charge
159
00:06:18,059 --> 00:06:19,826
that Chris has leveled
against me.
160
00:06:19,894 --> 00:06:21,460
- Andy, I need evidence.
- Got it!
161
00:06:21,528 --> 00:06:23,296
Wait! You don't know
what evidence.
162
00:06:23,363 --> 00:06:24,764
Ah, right on. Yes.
Hit me.
163
00:06:24,832 --> 00:06:27,132
Next to my desk is a picture
of a female politician--
164
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,001
Bella Abzug.
165
00:06:28,068 --> 00:06:29,936
Get the key that's taped
to the back of that picture.
166
00:06:30,004 --> 00:06:31,271
It opens up
my bottom desk drawer
167
00:06:31,338 --> 00:06:33,006
in there are some files--
pay attention.
168
00:06:33,073 --> 00:06:34,573
Where are you looking?
Look here, focus here.
169
00:06:34,641 --> 00:06:36,042
Get the files in the drawer,
170
00:06:36,110 --> 00:06:37,643
and then get all the file boxes
in the office.
171
00:06:37,711 --> 00:06:38,944
Put the files in the drawer.
Let's go.
172
00:06:39,012 --> 00:06:40,979
- No.
- Okay, I'll go with him.
173
00:06:41,047 --> 00:06:42,682
Thank you.
Ron, Chris has 14 witnesses.
174
00:06:42,749 --> 00:06:44,317
I need you to talk
to all the department heads
175
00:06:44,384 --> 00:06:45,685
and find out
who's gonna testify.
176
00:06:45,752 --> 00:06:47,820
I don't know the names
of the other department heads.
177
00:06:47,887 --> 00:06:49,922
I'll go with him. Seriously?
With the men in this office?
178
00:06:49,989 --> 00:06:50,423
- Ann?
- Yeah?
179
00:06:50,490 --> 00:06:52,024
I need you to text me
every 30 seconds
180
00:06:52,091 --> 00:06:53,959
- that everything's gonna be okay.
- Okay.
181
00:06:56,929 --> 00:06:59,631
Thanks, Ann!
182
00:06:59,699 --> 00:07:02,334
I broke one rule, and I will
accept a slap on the wrist.
183
00:07:02,401 --> 00:07:04,636
But when you sit back and let
your reputation be destroyed.
184
00:07:04,704 --> 00:07:09,306
You go down in history
as a frozen whore.
185
00:07:09,374 --> 00:07:10,674
I'm fighting.
186
00:07:11,374 --> 00:07:12,974
Hey, grab my computer.
I'm all set.
187
00:07:12,975 --> 00:07:15,404
- Great. You're up next.
- How is Ben? Is he sad?
188
00:07:15,471 --> 00:07:17,505
- You need to cheer him up, Ann.
- Ben is fine.
189
00:07:17,573 --> 00:07:19,240
He says he's sorry
he's not in here.
190
00:07:19,308 --> 00:07:21,076
He said to look
at the monster.
191
00:07:21,143 --> 00:07:22,744
I'm hoping you know
what that means.
192
00:07:22,812 --> 00:07:25,080
There's a rumor going around
that Chris has a killer witness.
193
00:07:25,147 --> 00:07:26,546
How? Why?
That makes no sense.
194
00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:27,881
There's no killer witness,
195
00:07:27,949 --> 00:07:29,382
because we didn't do
anything wrong--
196
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:32,385
unless someone's planning
to lie or slander us.
197
00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:35,089
Okay, just to be safe, find out
who it is and silence him.
198
00:07:35,156 --> 00:07:37,457
- With pleasure.
- Wait. Let me make it clear.
199
00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:41,728
Don't silence him.
Just make sure he can't talk.
200
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:43,562
Okay, we're back.
201
00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:45,064
Clear this chamber, please.
202
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,333
Ms. Perkins,
Chris Traeger has questioned
203
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,135
when my relationship
with Ben Wyatt began.
204
00:07:49,504 --> 00:07:51,440
I'd like to direct you
to your inbox
205
00:07:51,504 --> 00:07:54,040
and specifically an
email entitled "yay".
206
00:07:54,108 --> 00:07:58,176
That's Y-A and 18 "Y"s
and 44 exclamation points.
207
00:07:58,244 --> 00:08:01,179
Yes, it is an email
from you.
208
00:08:01,247 --> 00:08:02,614
Oh, and there's an attachment.
209
00:08:02,681 --> 00:08:04,549
Mm.
Intriguing.
210
00:08:05,317 --> 00:08:07,185
Could you play
the attachment, please?
211
00:08:07,253 --> 00:08:09,354
Sure.
212
00:08:09,421 --> 00:08:11,522
In a world on the brink
213
00:08:11,590 --> 00:08:15,092
of financial meltdown...
214
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:19,363
In a town
unlike any other...
215
00:08:19,430 --> 00:08:23,934
An adorable man
with a cute face
216
00:08:24,002 --> 00:08:28,505
and the future president
of the United States--
217
00:08:28,573 --> 00:08:29,706
what?--
218
00:08:29,774 --> 00:08:32,275
went from being friends
219
00:08:32,342 --> 00:08:38,347
to being so much more.
220
00:08:38,415 --> 00:08:41,985
Ann! Ben and I hooked up
last night! Aah!
221
00:08:42,052 --> 00:08:43,920
And I learned
how to use iMovie.
222
00:08:43,988 --> 00:08:46,789
Call me later! Bye!
223
00:08:46,856 --> 00:08:49,191
So what was the date
you received that email?
224
00:08:49,259 --> 00:08:52,161
- Uh, May 12th.
- May 12th...
225
00:08:52,228 --> 00:08:55,197
The day after we returned
from Indianapolis.
226
00:08:57,300 --> 00:08:58,867
Mr. Haverford,
227
00:08:58,935 --> 00:09:01,503
would you consider
Leslie Knope a good employee?
228
00:09:01,570 --> 00:09:03,971
Did Tom Ford turn around
the House of Gucci?
229
00:09:04,039 --> 00:09:06,140
I do not know, but I'll
assume that that is a yes.
230
00:09:06,208 --> 00:09:07,308
How long were you two lovers?
231
00:09:07,375 --> 00:09:08,843
- Excuse me?
- Oh, God.
232
00:09:08,911 --> 00:09:11,179
Last march, I witnessed
233
00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:13,848
Leslie Knope
and Tom Haverford
234
00:09:13,916 --> 00:09:17,185
engaged in a passionate
yet tender kiss.
235
00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:20,020
It seems that Ms. Knope
has a pattern
236
00:09:20,087 --> 00:09:22,289
of becoming involved
with her co-workers.
237
00:09:22,356 --> 00:09:24,524
Tom, will you please tell
the committee
238
00:09:24,591 --> 00:09:26,126
why we were kissing?
239
00:09:26,194 --> 00:09:29,796
An online dating site
randomly paired us up.
240
00:09:29,864 --> 00:09:32,032
So, as a joke,
I thought it would be funny
241
00:09:32,099 --> 00:09:34,867
to pretend
you and I were dating.
242
00:09:34,935 --> 00:09:37,803
And then you kissed me
as a joke...
243
00:09:37,871 --> 00:09:39,205
To shut me up.
244
00:09:39,272 --> 00:09:42,074
But we never had any other
romantic contact after that.
245
00:09:42,142 --> 00:09:45,311
No, that would be like dating
my older sister's elderly aunt.
246
00:09:45,378 --> 00:09:47,412
No, it wouldn't.
247
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,114
Well, we've been at it
for hours.
248
00:09:49,182 --> 00:09:51,415
And I did have some problem
with my character witnesses.
249
00:09:51,483 --> 00:09:53,051
I don't know why
Leslie Knope's on trial.
250
00:09:53,118 --> 00:09:54,919
Ethel Beavers did it!
251
00:09:54,987 --> 00:09:56,687
- Beavers did it!
- Sit down.
252
00:09:56,755 --> 00:09:59,190
I will hold myself
in contempt of the court!
253
00:09:59,258 --> 00:10:01,059
Is this about the laptop?
I didn't mean to steal it.
254
00:10:01,126 --> 00:10:02,893
I took it home, and I spaced.
I forgot.
255
00:10:02,961 --> 00:10:03,962
I'm gonna bring it back.
256
00:10:04,029 --> 00:10:06,830
It totally works, but I got
spaghetti in the keyboard.
257
00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,566
What laptop?
258
00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:11,068
Objection.
259
00:10:11,135 --> 00:10:13,904
But other than that,
I think I'm winning.
260
00:10:13,972 --> 00:10:16,306
I've refuted every one
of Chris' claims so far.
261
00:10:17,374 --> 00:10:20,277
I have here a receipt
from Pawnee Supersuites Motel.
262
00:10:20,345 --> 00:10:23,946
Leslie Knope submitted
that receipt for reimbursement.
263
00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:27,917
Taxpayers' money is not meant
to be spent on a romantic getaway.
264
00:10:28,385 --> 00:10:31,053
Donna, will you please
describe what we were wearing
265
00:10:31,121 --> 00:10:32,955
the evening you saw us?
266
00:10:33,023 --> 00:10:35,557
Um, khakis
and button-down shirts--
267
00:10:35,625 --> 00:10:37,093
your basic
white people clothes.
268
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,094
And when you walked into
the room, what did it look like?
269
00:10:39,161 --> 00:10:40,362
Did it look like anything
romantic had happened?
270
00:10:40,429 --> 00:10:41,462
Oh, hell, no.
271
00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:44,399
I have ruined my share
of hotel rooms,
272
00:10:44,466 --> 00:10:46,667
and trust me, nothing sexual
happened in that room.
273
00:10:46,735 --> 00:10:48,436
It kind of looked
like an office.
274
00:10:48,504 --> 00:10:50,305
Maybe because
it was an office.
275
00:10:50,373 --> 00:10:53,074
City Hall
was being fumigated,
276
00:10:53,142 --> 00:10:54,975
and we need to pull
an all-nighter.
277
00:10:55,043 --> 00:10:57,244
The only thing
that was ravaged
278
00:10:57,312 --> 00:10:59,947
were these
federal grant proposals
279
00:11:00,015 --> 00:11:02,149
that Donna had dropped off
earlier.
280
00:11:02,217 --> 00:11:04,451
I've seen over 200 episodes
of Law & Order,
281
00:11:04,519 --> 00:11:06,287
and it's paying off big-time.
282
00:11:06,354 --> 00:11:10,156
And by the way,
we got the gramps--
283
00:11:10,224 --> 00:11:12,392
grants.
God! Oh.
284
00:11:12,459 --> 00:11:14,493
It was gonna be
such an awesome moment.
285
00:11:14,861 --> 00:11:17,231
So, Ethel, you've been to a
million of these ethics trials.
286
00:11:17,299 --> 00:11:21,334
- What do you think my chances are?
- I'd say it's 50/50.
287
00:11:21,402 --> 00:11:24,770
You want to put money on it,
I'll give you 60/40 against.
288
00:11:24,838 --> 00:11:26,672
Is it ethical
for a court stenographer
289
00:11:26,740 --> 00:11:28,173
to bet on the outcome
of a hearing?
290
00:11:28,241 --> 00:11:29,575
You tell me.
291
00:11:29,643 --> 00:11:31,276
You're the one on trial.
292
00:11:31,344 --> 00:11:35,314
Ron Swanson
to the stand, please.
293
00:11:35,381 --> 00:11:37,650
Mr. Swanson,
there has been a question posed
294
00:11:37,717 --> 00:11:39,919
about when my relationship
with Ben Wyatt ended.
295
00:11:39,986 --> 00:11:41,520
Can you confirm
that you own a cabin
296
00:11:41,588 --> 00:11:43,855
- at 930--
- Ah!
297
00:11:43,923 --> 00:11:45,323
Stop, please.
298
00:11:45,390 --> 00:11:47,325
I don't like to give out
my address to anyone,
299
00:11:47,392 --> 00:11:49,494
much less have it
on an official record.
300
00:11:49,562 --> 00:11:51,596
Ron, don't be ridiculous.
This is very important.
301
00:11:51,664 --> 00:11:54,031
- Do you own a cabin--
- Ah!
302
00:11:54,099 --> 00:11:56,367
9301 Cedarcrest Dr--
303
00:11:56,435 --> 00:11:58,602
- 9301 Cedarcrest Dr--
- Beep!
304
00:11:58,670 --> 00:12:00,170
I didn't hear that.
305
00:12:00,237 --> 00:12:02,706
9301 Cedarcrest Drive!
306
00:12:07,278 --> 00:12:09,212
She's here.
307
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:10,380
Who's here?
308
00:12:10,448 --> 00:12:12,883
My ex-wife--Tammy two.
309
00:12:12,951 --> 00:12:15,551
I can smell the sulfur
coming off her cloven hooves.
310
00:12:15,619 --> 00:12:17,653
Good nose, Ron.
Tammy Swanson is here.
311
00:12:17,721 --> 00:12:18,988
She'll be my next witness.
312
00:12:19,055 --> 00:12:21,390
Tammy two is
your killer witness?
313
00:12:21,458 --> 00:12:23,225
Please! You're gonna have
to do better--
314
00:12:23,293 --> 00:12:25,060
Actually, she is
a terrifying sociopath
315
00:12:25,128 --> 00:12:27,196
who could say or do anything--
316
00:12:28,263 --> 00:12:29,398
A pretty good killer witness.
317
00:12:29,466 --> 00:12:32,233
Ms. Swanson, do you,
as you claimed,
318
00:12:32,301 --> 00:12:33,969
have evidence linking
319
00:12:34,036 --> 00:12:35,971
Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt
to law breaking?
320
00:12:36,038 --> 00:12:36,972
Absolutely.
321
00:12:37,039 --> 00:12:38,373
I have several photographs
322
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,241
that will definitively prove--
323
00:12:40,309 --> 00:12:41,910
May I remind you
that you are under oath,
324
00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:44,045
and if you lie, I will fire you
and have you prosecuted.
325
00:12:44,113 --> 00:12:45,246
Nothing.
326
00:12:45,314 --> 00:12:47,347
They will definitively
prove nothing.
327
00:12:47,415 --> 00:12:48,816
You cut me off.
328
00:12:48,884 --> 00:12:50,718
I don't have any evidence.
329
00:12:50,785 --> 00:12:52,419
Oh, Chris-- so silly.
330
00:12:52,487 --> 00:12:53,754
Okay, bye, guys.
331
00:12:53,822 --> 00:12:55,589
Leslie, have fun
with this trial.
332
00:12:55,657 --> 00:12:58,191
Yay!
333
00:12:58,259 --> 00:13:02,262
I think I've proven that
the only rule Ben and I broke
334
00:13:02,330 --> 00:13:04,330
was dating each other.
335
00:13:04,398 --> 00:13:06,733
And I am very happy
that I have not uncovered
336
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:09,002
any additional evidence
of unethical behavior.
337
00:13:09,069 --> 00:13:10,670
But I-I do have
one last witness--
338
00:13:10,738 --> 00:13:12,705
George Williams
from Public Works.
339
00:13:12,773 --> 00:13:17,176
George Williams?
Who's--
340
00:13:17,244 --> 00:13:18,777
Oh, George Williams--
341
00:13:18,845 --> 00:13:21,680
He's just a maintenance worker,
NASCAR enthusiast, I believe.
342
00:13:21,748 --> 00:13:23,381
And, oh, interesting tidbit--
343
00:13:23,449 --> 00:13:26,952
I once bribed him to keep
my relationship with Ben quiet.
344
00:13:28,484 --> 00:13:31,913
You're saying that you saw
Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope
345
00:13:31,914 --> 00:13:33,615
kissing at Li'l Sebastian's
memorial?
346
00:13:33,683 --> 00:13:34,949
Yeah!
347
00:13:35,017 --> 00:13:37,819
Can you identify Leslie Knope
in this chamber?
348
00:13:37,887 --> 00:13:40,288
- She's right there.
- Right--
349
00:13:40,756 --> 00:13:43,391
And what happened
after this incident?
350
00:13:43,458 --> 00:13:44,958
Well, I got real nervous.
351
00:13:45,026 --> 00:13:47,560
They came up to me, and they
told me to forget what I saw.
352
00:13:47,628 --> 00:13:50,597
What you saw was not
what you think it is.
353
00:13:50,665 --> 00:13:53,000
I have a gift certificate,
actually, for you.
354
00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:54,467
Oh, my God.
355
00:13:54,535 --> 00:13:56,636
And then they gave me
a $50 gift certificate
356
00:13:56,704 --> 00:13:57,905
to a spa and said...
357
00:13:57,972 --> 00:14:01,140
And thank you
for your discretion.
358
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:02,909
- And did you use it?
- Yeah.
359
00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:04,310
I got a facial.
360
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,679
My wife said my skin
was luminous.
361
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:07,947
That's enough.
362
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,448
Now, in order to cover up
their illicit affair,
363
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:13,019
Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope
bribed a city employee.
364
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:14,854
George, I notice
that you're wearing glasses,
365
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:16,722
yet on the day in question,
366
00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:18,523
I don't recall you
wearing glasses.
367
00:14:18,590 --> 00:14:21,092
Could it be because
you weren't wearing glasses?
368
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:22,460
I never wear 'em
on the job.
369
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:24,762
Can you take
your glasses off, please,
370
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,264
and read this for us?
371
00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:29,234
"I could read this
if I weren't so blind."
372
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:30,969
Well, that went terribly.
373
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,437
I need to check
some facts and figures.
374
00:14:33,504 --> 00:14:35,206
I would like to request
a 55-day recess.
375
00:14:35,273 --> 00:14:36,974
You can have 30 minutes,
376
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:40,544
but we're nearing
the end here, Ms. Knope.
377
00:14:40,611 --> 00:14:43,214
Okay, guys, my only hope is
that in one of these old books,
378
00:14:43,281 --> 00:14:44,949
there's some weird, arcane
statute or government rule
379
00:14:45,016 --> 00:14:46,283
that helps me.
380
00:14:46,351 --> 00:14:49,819
So everybody grab a volume,
and let's just read up.
381
00:14:49,887 --> 00:14:52,121
Okay, mine doesn't have
any pictures.
382
00:14:52,689 --> 00:14:56,226
Does anyone have anything?
Did anybody find anything good?
383
00:14:56,293 --> 00:15:00,129
In 1856, the city council
banned all sexual positions
384
00:15:00,197 --> 00:15:02,131
except for missionary.
385
00:15:02,199 --> 00:15:04,600
And two years later,
they banned missionary.
386
00:15:04,668 --> 00:15:07,302
1882, should a presbyterian
speak out of turn,
387
00:15:07,370 --> 00:15:09,071
he may be caned
across the shinbone.
388
00:15:09,138 --> 00:15:10,438
Oh, my God.
389
00:15:10,506 --> 00:15:13,108
Black people still can't legally
use city sidewalks.
390
00:15:13,176 --> 00:15:15,344
Look, I know we're not
supposed to be seen together,
391
00:15:15,411 --> 00:15:17,212
but I think Ben could be
really helpful with this.
392
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,647
- Can somebody go get him?
- All right, I'll go.
393
00:15:19,715 --> 00:15:22,783
"Any woman caught laughing
is a witch."
394
00:15:22,851 --> 00:15:24,551
That's true.
395
00:15:24,619 --> 00:15:26,020
Um, he's not there.
396
00:15:26,088 --> 00:15:28,522
No, he said he'd just be
on the other side of that wall.
397
00:15:28,590 --> 00:15:31,025
- He's probably in the bathroom.
- All right, I'll find him.
398
00:15:38,732 --> 00:15:42,335
This mural is called
Bad Pawnee, Good Pawnee.
399
00:15:42,403 --> 00:15:43,870
All the terrible things
that have happened
400
00:15:43,938 --> 00:15:46,106
in this town's history
are on one side.
401
00:15:46,173 --> 00:15:48,408
And on the other side
are all the good things
402
00:15:48,475 --> 00:15:49,976
that have happened.
403
00:15:50,044 --> 00:15:51,611
I'm on the bad side.
404
00:15:51,678 --> 00:15:53,678
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am, Ron.
405
00:15:53,746 --> 00:15:55,915
I'm guilty.
I did something bad.
406
00:15:55,982 --> 00:15:58,450
I'm a bad person.
407
00:15:58,518 --> 00:16:01,120
It's not that simple.
408
00:16:01,187 --> 00:16:04,456
You know what makes
a good person good?
409
00:16:04,524 --> 00:16:06,625
When a good person
does something bad,
410
00:16:06,692 --> 00:16:08,627
they own up to it.
411
00:16:08,694 --> 00:16:12,663
They try to learn something
from it, and they move on.
412
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:17,135
Guys, everybody stop reading--
413
00:16:17,202 --> 00:16:19,037
no more loopholes,
no more fighting.
414
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:20,204
Are you sure, boss?
415
00:16:20,272 --> 00:16:21,973
Yeah.
I know I let you down.
416
00:16:22,041 --> 00:16:24,075
And I just want to say
I'm really sorry.
417
00:16:24,143 --> 00:16:25,642
Leslie, what are you
talking about?
418
00:16:25,709 --> 00:16:27,110
Yeah, this makes me
like you more.
419
00:16:27,178 --> 00:16:29,413
Bribing someone to hide
a sexcapade--
420
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:30,780
I'm proud
to call you a friend.
421
00:16:30,848 --> 00:16:32,449
And I always liked you.
422
00:16:32,516 --> 00:16:34,517
Okay, we're back.
423
00:16:34,585 --> 00:16:37,220
Clear the chamber, please.
424
00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:41,123
I think I'm about
to get fired, Ron.
425
00:16:41,191 --> 00:16:44,026
Ms. Knope, unless you have
any objections,
426
00:16:44,094 --> 00:16:45,761
we'll be ending
this investigation
427
00:16:45,829 --> 00:16:48,431
and moving on
to the punishment phase.
428
00:16:48,498 --> 00:16:50,599
I have no objections.
429
00:16:50,667 --> 00:16:53,769
We hereby hand down
the following judgment.
430
00:16:53,837 --> 00:16:56,772
You will be suspended
for two weeks with pay.
431
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,540
- Just two weeks?
- Correct.
432
00:16:59,608 --> 00:17:02,210
This concludes
the investigation.
433
00:17:04,513 --> 00:17:06,614
I thought
I was gonna get fired.
434
00:17:06,682 --> 00:17:08,916
I should've gotten fired.
Why didn't I get fired?
435
00:17:09,485 --> 00:17:12,954
Ben asked for a private
meeting with the committee,
436
00:17:13,021 --> 00:17:16,123
and he took full responsibility
for the bribe
437
00:17:16,191 --> 00:17:18,292
and resigned,
effective immediately.
438
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:19,626
What?
Wait. Hang on.
439
00:17:19,694 --> 00:17:21,462
You can't let him resign.
440
00:17:21,529 --> 00:17:23,297
I tried to talk him
out of it, but...
441
00:17:23,365 --> 00:17:26,433
His mind was made up.
442
00:17:26,501 --> 00:17:28,768
Look, my job is to protect
the government
443
00:17:28,836 --> 00:17:31,770
from fraud and corruption.
444
00:17:31,838 --> 00:17:33,906
I was just doing my job.
445
00:17:33,974 --> 00:17:36,309
I hope that
you can understand that.
446
00:17:36,377 --> 00:17:37,843
I do.
447
00:17:37,911 --> 00:17:39,178
Honestly, I do.
448
00:17:39,246 --> 00:17:41,180
'Cause your actions
wounded me to my core,
449
00:17:41,248 --> 00:17:43,316
which is not easy
since the bulk of my workouts
450
00:17:43,384 --> 00:17:46,251
are focused
on core strengthening.
451
00:17:46,319 --> 00:17:49,087
But we will get through this.
You are...
452
00:17:49,155 --> 00:17:50,955
An excellent
government employee.
453
00:17:51,024 --> 00:17:52,757
And more importantly,
454
00:17:52,825 --> 00:17:54,592
you're the only person
I've ever met who's worthy
455
00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:57,262
of being Ben's girlfriend.
456
00:17:57,330 --> 00:17:59,031
I hope that's true.
457
00:18:02,034 --> 00:18:04,535
You know, the meeting
that Ben and I had--
458
00:18:04,602 --> 00:18:06,437
it's on the record.
459
00:18:06,505 --> 00:18:09,339
You should take a look at the
last page of the transcript.
460
00:18:12,710 --> 00:18:15,746
"Mr. Wyatt:
Chris, for God's sake,
461
00:18:15,813 --> 00:18:18,014
"would you mind not jumping
for a while?"
462
00:18:18,082 --> 00:18:19,649
Mr. Traeger:
"Sorry, Ben, but"...
463
00:18:19,716 --> 00:18:22,252
This is how
I fight depression.
464
00:18:22,319 --> 00:18:23,520
Okay, fine.
I'll stop.
465
00:18:23,587 --> 00:18:25,155
Thank you.
466
00:18:25,222 --> 00:18:28,124
Okay, so you are prepared
467
00:18:28,192 --> 00:18:30,927
to resign,
effective immediately,
468
00:18:30,994 --> 00:18:33,695
and take full responsibility
for all the events
469
00:18:33,763 --> 00:18:36,398
that transpired
at Li'l Sebastian's memorial.
470
00:18:36,466 --> 00:18:38,633
- "Mr. Wyatt: That is correct."
- That is correct.
471
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:40,302
"Mr. Traeger:
Okay, fine.
472
00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:42,771
"This makes me sadder
than I previously thought
473
00:18:42,838 --> 00:18:45,707
"humanly possible,
but I accept your resignation.
474
00:18:45,775 --> 00:18:48,009
Can I ask you
one more question?"
475
00:18:48,078 --> 00:18:51,512
Was all of this--
all the sneaking around,
476
00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:53,714
the scandal,
losing your job--
477
00:18:53,782 --> 00:18:55,583
Was it worth it?
478
00:18:55,650 --> 00:18:57,518
Yes.
479
00:18:57,586 --> 00:18:59,320
It was.
480
00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,589
"Because I love Leslie.
I want to be with her.
481
00:19:01,656 --> 00:19:03,091
"And I don't want to hide
482
00:19:03,158 --> 00:19:05,692
"the way I feel
about her anymore.
483
00:19:05,759 --> 00:19:07,026
"So, yeah, it was worth it,
484
00:19:07,095 --> 00:19:09,329
"because I'm in love
with Leslie Knope.
485
00:19:09,397 --> 00:19:11,698
"Mr. Traeger:
That was beautiful.
486
00:19:11,765 --> 00:19:14,000
"I'm literally crying
and jumping.
487
00:19:14,068 --> 00:19:17,437
"Crying noise,
crying noise, nose blow.
488
00:19:17,505 --> 00:19:19,372
"Mr. Wyatt:
It's gonna be okay.
489
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:20,574
Mr. Traeger:..."
490
00:19:20,641 --> 00:19:23,609
Oh.
491
00:19:25,845 --> 00:19:28,414
Let it out, I guess.
492
00:19:28,482 --> 00:19:30,182
"End transcript."
493
00:19:36,189 --> 00:19:37,755
Hi, honey,
how was your day?
494
00:19:37,823 --> 00:19:40,791
Oh, I've had better.
495
00:19:40,859 --> 00:19:42,293
How about you?
496
00:19:42,361 --> 00:19:44,829
I can't believe
you did that for me.
497
00:19:44,896 --> 00:19:46,231
Well, I was pretty sure
498
00:19:46,298 --> 00:19:48,733
it was gonna happen
one way or the other.
499
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,735
I hope it doesn't affect
your campaign.
500
00:19:50,802 --> 00:19:52,504
Don't worry about that
right now.
501
00:19:52,571 --> 00:19:55,506
There was a piece of testimony
that came out during the trial
502
00:19:55,573 --> 00:19:58,975
that I think
you'd be interested in.
503
00:19:59,043 --> 00:20:02,212
Ethel?
504
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:05,282
Ethel, could you please read
page 132
505
00:20:05,350 --> 00:20:09,318
of the official testimony?
506
00:20:09,386 --> 00:20:12,087
"Ethel Beavers:
The official record
507
00:20:12,156 --> 00:20:15,057
"has now annoyingly
been reopened
508
00:20:15,125 --> 00:20:17,826
"so that Leslie Knope
can make a statement.
509
00:20:17,894 --> 00:20:22,498
"Leslie Knope: Let the record
state that I, Leslie Knope,
510
00:20:22,566 --> 00:20:24,133
"love Ben Wyatt.
511
00:20:24,201 --> 00:20:26,501
"I love him
with all of my heart.
512
00:20:26,569 --> 00:20:27,736
"Did you get that?
513
00:20:27,804 --> 00:20:31,006
Ethel Beavers:
Yes, I got it."
514
00:20:31,074 --> 00:20:33,742
Thank you, Ethel.
515
00:20:36,746 --> 00:20:39,882
Can I get a ride home?
It's freezing.
516
00:20:41,289 --> 00:20:44,358
Can you please state your name
for the committee?
517
00:20:45,425 --> 00:20:48,060
- Gary Gergich.
- Oh, God, Jerry.
518
00:20:48,128 --> 00:20:49,894
You can't even get
your own name right.
519
00:20:49,962 --> 00:20:52,364
Actually,
my real name is Gary.
520
00:20:52,931 --> 00:20:53,531
Gary?
521
00:20:53,599 --> 00:20:55,033
On my first day here,
the old director--
522
00:20:55,101 --> 00:20:56,267
he called me Jerry,
523
00:20:56,335 --> 00:20:58,169
and I just didn't think
I should correct him.
524
00:20:58,237 --> 00:21:00,105
That's ridiculous.
Your name is Jerry.
525
00:21:00,172 --> 00:21:01,172
No.
526
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,341
Legally my name is Gary.
527
00:21:03,409 --> 00:21:05,542
Gary Gergich?
528
00:21:05,610 --> 00:21:07,011
Jerry Gergich.
529
00:21:07,078 --> 00:21:09,213
Gary Gergich.
Jerry Gergich.
530
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,315
Gary Gergich. Jerry--
God, they're both horrible.
531
00:21:11,383 --> 00:21:14,385
But Jerry's better.
I'm gonna call you Jerry.
532
00:21:14,452 --> 00:21:19,056
Okay, Jerry, do you remember
a time...
533
00:21:20,625 --> 00:21:22,392
I'm sorry. I can't get
over the Gary/Jerry thing.
534
00:21:22,459 --> 00:21:23,726
Neither can I.
Jerry, you can go.
535
00:21:23,793 --> 00:21:25,028
We need a five-minute break.
536
00:21:25,299 --> 00:21:30,336
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com