1
00:00:02,997 --> 00:00:04,065
Is the coast clear?
2
00:00:04,085 --> 00:00:05,003
What are you wearing?
3
00:00:05,044 --> 00:00:06,895
My sneak-around clothes.
Is he gone?
4
00:00:06,929 --> 00:00:08,246
Yeah, he's gone.
Come in.
5
00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:09,647
You gotta see this.
6
00:00:09,682 --> 00:00:11,583
Tom and I have been seeing
each other for a few weeks,
7
00:00:11,617 --> 00:00:15,320
and... I think I'm ready
to say, "I love you"...
8
00:00:15,354 --> 00:00:16,554
To his apartment.
9
00:00:16,589 --> 00:00:20,425
I... love you so much.
10
00:00:20,459 --> 00:00:22,227
Look at all these blankets.
11
00:00:22,261 --> 00:00:24,462
One on the ottoman,
one on the chair,
12
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:26,931
one on the couch...
here, feel.
13
00:00:26,966 --> 00:00:29,100
Holy hell, that's soft.
14
00:00:29,135 --> 00:00:30,602
Oh, my God, is that...
15
00:00:30,636 --> 00:00:32,904
Yep! A whole shelf
of coconut water.
16
00:00:32,938 --> 00:00:35,240
I think I'm gonna cry.
This is like girl heaven.
17
00:00:35,274 --> 00:00:36,674
Did he do all this
just for you?
18
00:00:36,709 --> 00:00:38,243
No! He just lives like this.
19
00:00:38,277 --> 00:00:40,612
He's deeply in debt,
but you know what? Who cares!
20
00:00:40,646 --> 00:00:42,013
'Cause check it out.
21
00:00:42,031 --> 00:00:44,082
Cheese plate
and Adriatic figs.
22
00:00:44,116 --> 00:00:46,284
Leslie, this is always here.
23
00:00:46,318 --> 00:00:48,153
I don't know when he has time
to make it.
24
00:00:48,187 --> 00:00:51,156
Boutique eye cream,
unisex cologne,
25
00:00:51,190 --> 00:00:53,558
lip exfoliator,
chocolate-covered almonds,
26
00:00:53,592 --> 00:00:56,494
and a Sudoku book...
just amenities everywhere!
27
00:00:56,529 --> 00:00:58,430
- I love amenities.
- I know!
28
00:00:58,464 --> 00:00:59,798
Check this out.
It's the best part.
29
00:00:59,832 --> 00:01:02,400
80 degrees.
Night and day.
30
00:01:02,435 --> 00:01:04,469
Look at this one.
31
00:01:04,503 --> 00:01:06,087
There's another soft one.
32
00:01:07,206 --> 00:01:08,673
Ohh.
33
00:01:11,710 --> 00:01:17,310
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
34
00:01:30,696 --> 00:01:32,864
Councilman Pillner,
could I have a moment?
35
00:01:32,898 --> 00:01:34,065
Make it quick.
36
00:01:34,100 --> 00:01:36,234
In his seminal
2009 documentary,
37
00:01:36,268 --> 00:01:39,337
filmmaker Ken Burns describes
the national park system
38
00:01:39,371 --> 00:01:41,256
as a America's best idea.
39
00:01:41,290 --> 00:01:43,007
- Way quicker.
- Okay.
40
00:01:43,042 --> 00:01:45,376
Well, but you should watch
that documentary.
41
00:01:45,411 --> 00:01:47,712
Now I realize that you're
drafting the new city budget,
42
00:01:51,383 --> 00:01:54,586
Councilman Pillner,
that cannot happen.
43
00:01:54,620 --> 00:01:57,188
I've gotten to know
the city councilmen pretty well
44
00:01:57,223 --> 00:01:58,189
because of my campaign.
45
00:01:58,224 --> 00:01:59,691
If you hear any of them
46
00:01:59,725 --> 00:02:01,493
talking about that
"blonde pain in the ass,"
47
00:02:01,527 --> 00:02:03,661
that's a-me.
48
00:02:03,696 --> 00:02:06,331
Leslie, that budget
is all but finalized.
49
00:02:06,365 --> 00:02:08,833
I love building ships
in bottles.
50
00:02:08,868 --> 00:02:11,136
When the ship is done,
I put a cork in it,
51
00:02:11,170 --> 00:02:12,453
put it on the shelf,
and I move on.
52
00:02:12,488 --> 00:02:14,172
Hold that cork, sir...
53
00:02:14,206 --> 00:02:15,790
'Cause I'm about to put
an adorable face
54
00:02:15,825 --> 00:02:17,942
on your proposed cuts.
55
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,044
Meet Melody Sternway.
56
00:02:20,079 --> 00:02:22,647
She's enrolled in five
of our parks programs.
57
00:02:22,681 --> 00:02:24,115
Our department
is the only thing
58
00:02:24,150 --> 00:02:28,720
between her and a life
of tube tops and tribal tattoos
59
00:02:28,754 --> 00:02:31,389
and barfing in hot tubs.
60
00:02:31,423 --> 00:02:32,557
Please.
61
00:02:32,591 --> 00:02:33,958
Okay, you got me.
62
00:02:33,993 --> 00:02:35,795
I'll find the cuts
somewhere else.
63
00:02:41,901 --> 00:02:43,701
Good morning, everyone!
64
00:02:43,736 --> 00:02:46,838
I'm April Ludgate and I will be
filling in for Leslie
65
00:02:46,872 --> 00:02:49,357
while she runs for office.
66
00:02:49,408 --> 00:02:53,678
So the new emergency protocol
for the Parks department
67
00:02:53,712 --> 00:02:55,947
can be found in your binders.
68
00:02:55,981 --> 00:02:58,700
What exactly is the chain
of command vis-a-vis
69
00:02:58,751 --> 00:03:00,034
on-site response?
70
00:03:00,585 --> 00:03:02,837
You know what,
why don't we just say that
71
00:03:02,872 --> 00:03:04,973
whoever gets
to the emergency first
72
00:03:05,007 --> 00:03:06,324
will be in charge?
73
00:03:06,358 --> 00:03:08,826
Okay, so if there's
an explosion, say,
74
00:03:08,861 --> 00:03:12,330
in Ramset Park and someone
from Sewage gets there first,
75
00:03:12,364 --> 00:03:14,532
they'd be in charge?
76
00:03:14,567 --> 00:03:16,734
I had no idea
how terrible Leslie's job is.
77
00:03:16,769 --> 00:03:20,605
She referred to this meeting
as a nonstop thrill ride.
78
00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:26,144
I'm not quite sure,
but Tom can answer that if...
79
00:03:26,178 --> 00:03:27,545
What are you doing?
80
00:03:27,580 --> 00:03:29,447
Just bouncing some business
ideas off Russell Simmons
81
00:03:29,481 --> 00:03:30,949
on Twitter.
82
00:03:30,983 --> 00:03:31,983
Why?
83
00:03:32,017 --> 00:03:34,752
All due respect, miss Ludgate, do you
even know what you're doing here?
84
00:03:34,787 --> 00:03:37,021
All due respect,
Mr. hamster penis,
85
00:03:37,039 --> 00:03:38,156
but no, I don't.
86
00:03:38,190 --> 00:03:40,892
- My last name is Guiles.
- Are you sure?
87
00:03:40,926 --> 00:03:42,794
Because you look like
a hamster penis.
88
00:03:42,828 --> 00:03:45,880
What about a cologne
that can kill spiders?
89
00:03:45,915 --> 00:03:49,667
Ron Swanson, it is my pleasure
to inform you
90
00:03:49,701 --> 00:03:51,736
that you are a finalist
for the job
91
00:03:51,770 --> 00:03:53,421
of Assistant City Manager.
92
00:03:53,472 --> 00:03:55,390
Chris,
I feel I should remind you
93
00:03:55,424 --> 00:03:56,741
that I do not believe
94
00:03:56,775 --> 00:03:59,344
that the position or the entire
government should exist.
95
00:03:59,378 --> 00:04:02,480
That said, you'd be a fool
not to pick me.
96
00:04:02,514 --> 00:04:05,016
I will walk deeper
into the belly of the beast
97
00:04:05,050 --> 00:04:06,751
if it means I'm able
to further limit
98
00:04:06,785 --> 00:04:08,719
reckless government spending.
99
00:04:08,737 --> 00:04:11,356
I mean, I have so many ideas.
100
00:04:11,390 --> 00:04:13,458
Some are simple
like "take down traffic lights"
101
00:04:13,492 --> 00:04:15,827
and "eliminate
the Post Office."
102
00:04:15,861 --> 00:04:17,695
The bigger ones
will be tougher,
103
00:04:17,730 --> 00:04:21,099
like "bring all of this
crumbling to the ground."
104
00:04:21,133 --> 00:04:23,468
There is one more step
in the vetting process.
105
00:04:23,502 --> 00:04:26,304
You and I will embark
on a quick session
106
00:04:26,338 --> 00:04:29,340
of heart rate meditation,
focusing on conscious breathing
107
00:04:29,375 --> 00:04:31,376
and opening the heart chakra.
108
00:04:31,410 --> 00:04:33,511
I'm not sure
I'm interested in that.
109
00:04:33,545 --> 00:04:36,314
No, I am sure.
I am not interested in that.
110
00:04:36,348 --> 00:04:39,050
Ron, you and I are
very different people,
111
00:04:39,084 --> 00:04:40,685
and we have often been
at odds.
112
00:04:40,719 --> 00:04:44,222
It is crucial that you and I
spend a day spiritually engaged,
113
00:04:44,256 --> 00:04:46,291
and consider what it would
really mean to work together.
114
00:04:46,325 --> 00:04:48,059
Trust me, you'll love it.
I'll see you tomorrow.
115
00:04:48,093 --> 00:04:51,496
Oh, wear your yoga pants.
116
00:04:51,530 --> 00:04:52,830
Okay, I really wish
we would've
117
00:04:52,865 --> 00:04:54,132
talked about this first.
118
00:04:54,166 --> 00:04:55,600
What could possibly
be wrong
119
00:04:55,634 --> 00:04:57,268
about me saving
the Parks department budget?
120
00:04:57,303 --> 00:04:59,537
I don't know.
That's the point.
121
00:04:59,571 --> 00:05:02,340
You're thinking like
a Parks department employee,
122
00:05:02,374 --> 00:05:04,375
not a city council candidate.
123
00:05:04,410 --> 00:05:05,543
You're in a campaign
literally.
124
00:05:05,577 --> 00:05:06,811
Everything you do right now
is politics.
125
00:05:06,845 --> 00:05:08,463
Oh, really?
Is this politics?
126
00:05:08,497 --> 00:05:10,131
Ow.
127
00:05:10,165 --> 00:05:11,482
What is...
what is that?
128
00:05:11,517 --> 00:05:13,634
- What... why did you do that?
- I'm in a good mood.
129
00:05:13,669 --> 00:05:15,586
Because the city councilor
listened to me.
130
00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:17,505
It means I have some juice.
131
00:05:17,556 --> 00:05:19,090
Look, this might be
a good thing.
132
00:05:19,124 --> 00:05:21,225
But there's a reason
we strategize
133
00:05:21,260 --> 00:05:23,378
- before we make decisions.
- Okay.
134
00:05:23,412 --> 00:05:25,897
Okay. I'll make some calls,
see where we are.
135
00:05:25,931 --> 00:05:28,533
- Enjoying the view.
- What is going on?
136
00:05:28,567 --> 00:05:32,153
I'm just really into you.
Gimme a spin, baby.
137
00:05:32,687 --> 00:05:34,272
I hate doing Leslie's job.
138
00:05:34,306 --> 00:05:36,674
I'm filling in for a person
who smiles 90% of the time.
139
00:05:36,709 --> 00:05:38,242
Tom, can you please help me?
140
00:05:38,277 --> 00:05:40,778
Please?
Or just do it?
141
00:05:40,813 --> 00:05:42,680
Come on, lil sparkle.
Don't give up.
142
00:05:42,715 --> 00:05:43,881
What does Leslie always say?
143
00:05:43,916 --> 00:05:46,351
I don't know,
weird stuff about waffles.
144
00:05:46,385 --> 00:05:48,953
She says, "you get out
of a job what you put into it."
145
00:05:48,987 --> 00:05:51,089
You just need to find a project
you're passionate about.
146
00:05:51,123 --> 00:05:52,857
For instance,
I was incredible
147
00:05:52,891 --> 00:05:54,492
at naming drinks
at the Snakehole Lounge
148
00:05:54,526 --> 00:05:56,894
because I care a great deal
about signature beverages.
149
00:05:56,929 --> 00:05:59,430
The Beer-yonce Knowles.
150
00:05:59,465 --> 00:06:01,699
It's just a regular beer,
but we put it in a sexy-ass mug.
151
00:06:01,734 --> 00:06:03,601
Pairs nicely
with the Jay-zima.
152
00:06:03,635 --> 00:06:05,636
We bought a bunch of zima
when the factory shut down.
153
00:06:05,671 --> 00:06:07,905
That sounds fun.
Maybe I should work at a bar.
154
00:06:07,940 --> 00:06:10,308
Come on, there must be
some aspect of this job
155
00:06:10,342 --> 00:06:12,243
you care about.
156
00:06:12,277 --> 00:06:13,845
Hello.
157
00:06:13,879 --> 00:06:17,348
Here are some papers
Leslie requested.
158
00:06:17,383 --> 00:06:19,484
- These are blank.
- Weird.
159
00:06:19,518 --> 00:06:21,486
As long as I'm here,
can I ask you a question?
160
00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:25,289
Did you ever participate
in meditation with Chris?
161
00:06:25,324 --> 00:06:27,158
Oh, yeah.
162
00:06:27,192 --> 00:06:28,459
When we dated,
he made me do it every week.
163
00:06:28,494 --> 00:06:31,295
- What am I in for here?
- Okay, here's the deal.
164
00:06:31,330 --> 00:06:33,798
It's crazy boring,
it lasts forever,
165
00:06:33,832 --> 00:06:35,567
you're gonna
wish you were dead.
166
00:06:36,602 --> 00:06:39,139
Do you wanna borrow
my yoga pants?
167
00:06:41,173 --> 00:06:42,240
Hey.
168
00:06:42,274 --> 00:06:43,441
So did Pillner finalize
the budget?
169
00:06:43,475 --> 00:06:44,776
Are we okay?
170
00:06:44,810 --> 00:06:47,228
- We are the opposite of okay.
- What do you mean?
171
00:06:47,262 --> 00:06:48,579
To keep the money in Parks,
172
00:06:48,614 --> 00:06:50,181
they're gonna shut down
the Westside animal shelter.
173
00:06:50,215 --> 00:06:52,216
The money had to come
from somewhere,
174
00:06:52,251 --> 00:06:53,985
and the shelter is on
its last legs.
175
00:06:54,019 --> 00:06:55,953
So... they're closing it
at the end of the week.
176
00:06:55,988 --> 00:06:57,738
That's where Champion
came from.
177
00:06:57,773 --> 00:06:58,923
What will happen
to all the other animals?
178
00:06:58,957 --> 00:07:01,692
- Well, they'll be...
- Fine.
179
00:07:01,727 --> 00:07:04,262
No.
They'll be...
180
00:07:04,296 --> 00:07:06,464
No!
181
00:07:06,498 --> 00:07:07,965
Guys.
182
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,536
Apparently, Leslie Knope
wielded her insider influence
183
00:07:11,570 --> 00:07:13,421
and got Councilman Pillner
184
00:07:13,455 --> 00:07:14,939
to save her precious
department,
185
00:07:14,973 --> 00:07:17,575
even though it meant
closing the shelter.
186
00:07:17,609 --> 00:07:20,378
Now I am not saying that
Leslie Knope is a dog murderer,
187
00:07:20,412 --> 00:07:23,381
per se, I just think that her
actions raise some questions.
188
00:07:23,415 --> 00:07:25,883
Like, for example,
is she a dog murderer?
189
00:07:25,918 --> 00:07:27,552
God.
190
00:07:27,586 --> 00:07:29,120
Well, I don't know the answer
to that, Jennifer,
191
00:07:29,154 --> 00:07:31,389
but your tone makes me think...
Yes.
192
00:07:31,423 --> 00:07:35,026
Say your good-byes,
Pebble...
193
00:07:35,060 --> 00:07:37,795
'Cause "Weswie" Knope
gonna kill you.
194
00:07:38,330 --> 00:07:40,131
She got the perfect puppy
for that shot.
195
00:07:40,165 --> 00:07:41,466
She is good.
196
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:42,984
Leslie, there is a woman
on the phone
197
00:07:43,035 --> 00:07:44,635
that says her daughter's scared
to go to sleep
198
00:07:44,670 --> 00:07:48,506
because Leslie Knope's going
to come murder her kitty.
199
00:07:48,540 --> 00:07:50,675
- Okay, we can fix this.
- Yes, we can.
200
00:07:50,709 --> 00:07:52,577
Tomorrow morning,
we are going back to Pillner
201
00:07:52,611 --> 00:07:54,212
and telling him to cut
the Parks budget.
202
00:07:54,246 --> 00:07:55,379
No, no, no, no.
203
00:07:55,414 --> 00:07:57,615
We can figure
something else out.
204
00:08:07,109 --> 00:08:08,943
Leslie!
205
00:08:08,977 --> 00:08:11,195
Hey, honey, good morning.
How did you sleep?
206
00:08:11,230 --> 00:08:13,498
I adopted 32 cats and dogs.
Do you want pancakes?
207
00:08:13,532 --> 00:08:15,566
- I'm gonna make pancakes.
- Is that a pig?
208
00:08:15,601 --> 00:08:16,934
- What? Which one?
- Is that a pig?
209
00:08:16,968 --> 00:08:19,170
You talking about this one?
This one right here?
210
00:08:19,204 --> 00:08:21,639
Yes, that is a pig.
211
00:08:25,049 --> 00:08:27,700
This is the best
meditation center in the area.
212
00:08:28,099 --> 00:08:29,300
It doesn't look like much.
213
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:32,470
Actually, this strip mall
has surprisingly decent chi.
214
00:08:32,504 --> 00:08:35,006
Although, the smells from
the Greek restaurant next door
215
00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:36,407
are not ideal.
216
00:08:36,441 --> 00:08:40,945
But through this door
lies a deep, serene quietude.
217
00:08:45,050 --> 00:08:47,652
Excuse me, ladies.
On your right.
218
00:08:47,686 --> 00:08:49,520
After you, Ron.
219
00:08:49,538 --> 00:08:52,023
Now... take in the vibe
of the room
220
00:08:52,057 --> 00:08:55,293
and remain open of mind
and of spirit.
221
00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,712
Now quietly...
sit behind me
222
00:08:57,746 --> 00:08:59,430
and let's join breath.
223
00:08:59,464 --> 00:09:02,884
- I'll stand.
- Interesting technique.
224
00:09:12,311 --> 00:09:15,079
Andy, look at this little guy!
225
00:09:15,113 --> 00:09:17,114
He's such a little runt.
Hey, there.
226
00:09:17,149 --> 00:09:18,766
Hey, Tom, look.
227
00:09:18,817 --> 00:09:21,385
Oh, I just had five cats on me
at once!
228
00:09:21,420 --> 00:09:23,487
You wanna come in here
and try to break my record?
229
00:09:23,522 --> 00:09:25,273
That's okay, Andy, I think
I'm gonna keep my distance.
230
00:09:25,324 --> 00:09:26,958
Don't want none
of that animal dander
231
00:09:26,992 --> 00:09:28,892
interacting
with this cashmere.
232
00:09:28,911 --> 00:09:30,728
What's your endgame here,
my dear?
233
00:09:30,762 --> 00:09:32,196
This is only temporary
234
00:09:32,230 --> 00:09:33,948
until I find a way
to keep the shelter open
235
00:09:33,999 --> 00:09:35,333
without cutting
the Parks budget.
236
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,401
Hey, what if I threw together
a pet adoption
237
00:09:37,436 --> 00:09:39,420
in one of our parks...
would that be cool?
238
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,072
April, that would be
the coolest thing
239
00:09:41,106 --> 00:09:44,508
since 'N Sync, Aerosmith,
and Nelly performed together
240
00:09:44,543 --> 00:09:45,876
at the Super Bowl
halftime show.
241
00:09:45,911 --> 00:09:47,311
Ew.
242
00:09:47,346 --> 00:09:48,879
I think I may have found
a project
243
00:09:48,914 --> 00:09:51,315
I'd actually enjoy doing...
244
00:09:51,350 --> 00:09:53,251
helping these cats and dogs.
245
00:09:53,285 --> 00:09:55,253
They should be rewarded
for not being people.
246
00:09:55,287 --> 00:09:57,755
I hate people.
247
00:09:57,789 --> 00:09:59,890
I'm very proud of you,
April.
248
00:09:59,925 --> 00:10:02,159
Meanwhile, you and I are gonna
look at the town budget
249
00:10:02,194 --> 00:10:04,562
and we're gonna find
something expendable.
250
00:10:04,596 --> 00:10:07,164
Hey, Ben, the pig ate
your noise-canceling headphones.
251
00:10:08,784 --> 00:10:11,636
Pigs are awesome!
252
00:10:11,670 --> 00:10:15,156
All told, we were in there
about six hours.
253
00:10:15,207 --> 00:10:17,808
And no,
I was not meditating.
254
00:10:17,843 --> 00:10:20,077
I just stood there,
quietly breathing.
255
00:10:20,112 --> 00:10:22,346
There were no thoughts
in my head whatsoever.
256
00:10:22,381 --> 00:10:24,482
My mind was blank.
257
00:10:24,516 --> 00:10:27,285
I don't know what the hell
these other crackpots are doing.
258
00:10:30,522 --> 00:10:32,807
Jerry, the puppies are going
to the bathroom everywhere.
259
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,158
We can't let people see that.
260
00:10:34,192 --> 00:10:36,477
I need you to continuously
clean out the cages, okay?
261
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:37,961
- You got it, boss.
- Thank you.
262
00:10:37,980 --> 00:10:40,581
Donna, did you put the info
sheets on all the cages?
263
00:10:40,615 --> 00:10:41,799
- Last one.
- Great.
264
00:10:41,833 --> 00:10:44,101
Each animal has a photo,
special talents,
265
00:10:44,136 --> 00:10:45,436
and a personal history...
266
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:47,271
That I made up.
267
00:10:47,306 --> 00:10:50,408
A lot of these dogs have rescued
people from burning buildings.
268
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,943
This one helped Ray Charles
around.
269
00:10:52,977 --> 00:10:56,447
What?
This cat was in Boogie Nights?
270
00:10:56,481 --> 00:10:59,533
- Hi. You like this little guy?
- He's so cute.
271
00:10:59,584 --> 00:11:00,785
I know.
272
00:11:00,819 --> 00:11:02,820
All the animal are up-to-date
on their shots.
273
00:11:02,838 --> 00:11:05,323
- And I think he likes you.
- He's pretty awesome.
274
00:11:05,357 --> 00:11:06,691
Did you know
his great-grandfather
275
00:11:06,725 --> 00:11:08,459
was Spuds Mackenzie?
276
00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:11,495
What do you think, sweetie?
Do you wanna take him home?
277
00:11:11,513 --> 00:11:14,164
Yes, please.
278
00:11:14,182 --> 00:11:16,467
Realistically,
I'm guessing we dropped
279
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:19,003
three to five points
in the polls.
280
00:11:19,037 --> 00:11:22,073
This late in the game,
it's killer.
281
00:11:22,107 --> 00:11:23,607
And that's a dog biscuit.
282
00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:25,109
Andy put them on the table
283
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:27,177
'cause he wanted to try
to have the dogs play poker.
284
00:11:27,195 --> 00:11:29,563
Okay, Leslie,
we are out of time.
285
00:11:29,614 --> 00:11:31,916
- We have to go back to them.
- Oh, my God!
286
00:11:31,950 --> 00:11:35,319
This is it.
287
00:11:35,354 --> 00:11:37,588
Hmm.
288
00:11:37,622 --> 00:11:39,757
Oh, for God's sake, Leslie.
289
00:11:39,791 --> 00:11:41,058
There's just not enough money
to do all the things
290
00:11:41,093 --> 00:11:42,359
you wanna do.
291
00:11:42,377 --> 00:11:44,695
You're trying to fit
two ships into one bottle.
292
00:11:44,730 --> 00:11:47,098
Take it from me,
you can't do that.
293
00:11:47,132 --> 00:11:48,299
Okay, just look at this.
294
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:51,302
There are three employees
designated as D1,
295
00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:52,670
or on retainer.
296
00:11:52,704 --> 00:11:54,004
Public Works is still
paying them
297
00:11:54,039 --> 00:11:55,873
even though they haven't worked
in two years.
298
00:11:55,891 --> 00:11:57,208
It's an oversight.
299
00:11:57,242 --> 00:11:58,876
We get rid of them
and we have just enough money
300
00:11:58,910 --> 00:12:00,277
to keep the animal shelter
operating
301
00:12:00,312 --> 00:12:02,313
while still maintaining
the Parks budget.
302
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:03,647
Interesting.
303
00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,599
Looks like we found
a bigger bottle.
304
00:12:05,650 --> 00:12:07,485
I know you're just
making a joke,
305
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:09,954
but using a bigger bottle
would be considered cheating
306
00:12:09,988 --> 00:12:11,822
by most of our major
trade publications.
307
00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:13,524
FYI.
308
00:12:13,558 --> 00:12:16,227
Ron, you've radiated
mindfulness.
309
00:12:16,261 --> 00:12:17,661
What were you thinking about?
310
00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:20,131
- I wasn't thinking at all.
- Incredible.
311
00:12:20,165 --> 00:12:22,133
It takes a ton of work
for me
312
00:12:22,167 --> 00:12:24,001
to get to that kind of
a clear head space,
313
00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:25,636
no matter how hard I try.
314
00:12:25,670 --> 00:12:27,671
Don't try so hard.
315
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:30,875
Don't try... so hard.
316
00:12:30,909 --> 00:12:33,477
Ron, I'm going to try
your "not trying" method
317
00:12:33,512 --> 00:12:35,112
right here, right now.
318
00:12:35,147 --> 00:12:37,014
Chris, wait.
319
00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:38,983
I know this crap
is important to you,
320
00:12:39,017 --> 00:12:40,651
so I should come clean.
321
00:12:40,685 --> 00:12:43,020
I got nothing
out of that experience at all.
322
00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:45,790
So if you're looking for someone
who enjoys meditation...
323
00:12:45,824 --> 00:12:47,258
Oh, I didn't expect you
to enjoy it.
324
00:12:47,292 --> 00:12:50,194
My one reservation about you
as a co-worker
325
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:51,695
was that you seem inflexible.
326
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:53,364
And merely by agreeing
327
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:54,999
to an activity you're not
interested in,
328
00:12:55,033 --> 00:12:57,368
you showed flexibility.
329
00:12:57,402 --> 00:13:00,571
Ron, you've got the job.
330
00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:02,239
- You wanna head back?
- I do.
331
00:13:02,273 --> 00:13:06,143
But first, there's a hot,
spinning cone of meat
332
00:13:06,178 --> 00:13:08,412
in that Greek restaurant
next door.
333
00:13:08,446 --> 00:13:12,950
I don't know what it is, but
I'd like to eat the whole thing.
334
00:13:12,984 --> 00:13:15,118
Why is it so dead?
Where is everyone?
335
00:13:15,137 --> 00:13:17,087
Don't give up yet.
There's a few minutes left.
336
00:13:17,121 --> 00:13:19,456
Is this where we drop off
our unwanted cats?
337
00:13:19,474 --> 00:13:22,343
- No. It's the opposite.
- Okay.
338
00:13:22,394 --> 00:13:25,012
I'm just gonna put these here
for a second.
339
00:13:25,063 --> 00:13:27,398
And then, uh...
340
00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:31,135
We ended up with more animals
than we started with.
341
00:13:31,169 --> 00:13:32,920
This is what happens
when you try.
342
00:13:32,954 --> 00:13:34,855
All of these animals
are gonna die.
343
00:13:34,906 --> 00:13:36,240
God!
344
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:37,608
I hope you're happy,
345
00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:39,543
stupid people
in this stupid town!
346
00:13:39,578 --> 00:13:42,646
Hey!
Hey, you!
347
00:13:42,681 --> 00:13:45,449
Get back here and get your
[Bleep] cats out of there!
348
00:13:45,484 --> 00:13:47,751
Do you think
Barack and Michelle Obama
349
00:13:47,786 --> 00:13:49,487
feel like this
at the end of the day?
350
00:13:49,521 --> 00:13:51,589
Probably.
I mean, I don't know how else...
351
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:53,424
wait a second.
Is that...
352
00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:54,959
so am I Michelle?
353
00:13:54,993 --> 00:13:57,595
Hey, how is everyone?
354
00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:58,929
- Great!
- Pretty good.
355
00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:01,098
We saved the animal shelter
and the Parks budget.
356
00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:03,400
That's great news.
Let me guess.
357
00:14:03,435 --> 00:14:05,369
You found room in other parts
of the budget somewhere?
358
00:14:05,403 --> 00:14:06,704
Totally.
359
00:14:06,738 --> 00:14:09,339
Got rid of a bunch of lame-ass
D1's from Public Works.
360
00:14:09,357 --> 00:14:10,508
Awesome news.
361
00:14:10,542 --> 00:14:12,393
Hey, you know what else
is pretty neat,
362
00:14:12,444 --> 00:14:13,611
is thanks to you,
363
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:15,813
councilman Pillner
went through the budget
364
00:14:15,847 --> 00:14:17,681
and decided that
not just Public Works
365
00:14:17,699 --> 00:14:19,783
but all D1's will be terminated
in two weeks.
366
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:22,352
- I'm getting fired.
- Ba-what now?
367
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:25,931
Oh! Councilman Houser...
368
00:14:26,030 --> 00:14:27,820
I was just looking for you.
369
00:14:27,830 --> 00:14:29,431
I have found my assistant
city manager.
370
00:14:29,465 --> 00:14:31,233
You wanna guess who it is?
It's Ron Swanson!
371
00:14:31,267 --> 00:14:32,884
I'm sorry.
I should've let you guess.
372
00:14:32,935 --> 00:14:34,002
I'm just so excited.
373
00:14:34,036 --> 00:14:35,637
I'd put a pin in this
for now.
374
00:14:35,671 --> 00:14:37,639
Why?
Why pin it?
375
00:14:37,673 --> 00:14:39,207
The council vote
is three to two
376
00:14:39,242 --> 00:14:40,609
in favor of another term
for you.
377
00:14:40,643 --> 00:14:42,644
But one of the yes votes
is retiring.
378
00:14:42,678 --> 00:14:44,112
If Bobby Newport wins,
379
00:14:44,147 --> 00:14:45,347
he's gonna try to bring in
his own guy.
380
00:14:45,381 --> 00:14:46,748
Why would he do that?
381
00:14:46,783 --> 00:14:48,533
He's not exactly thrilled
you've been volunteering
382
00:14:48,568 --> 00:14:50,886
for the Knope campaign
in your spare time.
383
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,221
Sorry, Chris.
If Newport wins...
384
00:14:53,256 --> 00:14:54,758
You're gone.
385
00:14:56,793 --> 00:14:59,110
I just need one more week.
386
00:14:59,145 --> 00:15:00,796
- And then I think...
- Sorry, could you please...
387
00:15:00,830 --> 00:15:02,297
Be careful?
388
00:15:02,331 --> 00:15:04,418
Oh, I am always careful.
389
00:15:06,869 --> 00:15:07,669
We're good.
390
00:15:07,703 --> 00:15:09,504
If I could just get
a little bit more time,
391
00:15:09,538 --> 00:15:10,939
I could figure out
how to fix this.
392
00:15:10,973 --> 00:15:13,374
Unfortunately, I cannot
give you any more time.
393
00:15:13,392 --> 00:15:14,543
With due respect...
394
00:15:14,577 --> 00:15:16,411
Leslie, I am retiring
at the end of this term,
395
00:15:16,445 --> 00:15:17,913
so I've been fine
with you guys
396
00:15:17,947 --> 00:15:19,447
pushing me around
on this budget thing.
397
00:15:19,482 --> 00:15:22,050
But if you're ever
gonna hold this job,
398
00:15:22,084 --> 00:15:23,785
there's something you need
to understand.
399
00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:26,521
City Council isn't about
making everybody in town happy.
400
00:15:26,556 --> 00:15:28,323
In fact,
every decision you make
401
00:15:28,357 --> 00:15:31,293
is gonna make a lot of people
very unhappy.
402
00:15:31,327 --> 00:15:35,063
We play with live ammo
around here.
403
00:15:35,097 --> 00:15:37,165
Now I'm gonna close the book
on this budget draft
404
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:38,834
by the end
of the business day.
405
00:15:38,868 --> 00:15:41,503
So if you can find some way
out of this mess by 5:00 P.M.,
406
00:15:41,537 --> 00:15:42,904
you let me know.
407
00:15:42,939 --> 00:15:44,739
- Thank you.
- That's fair.
408
00:15:44,774 --> 00:15:46,708
I did it!
I got it out.
409
00:15:46,742 --> 00:15:49,044
Oh, geez.
You don't take the ship out.
410
00:15:49,078 --> 00:15:51,847
Here you go.
411
00:15:53,349 --> 00:15:55,550
Chris! Great news!
412
00:15:55,585 --> 00:15:59,855
I found a way to reduce
government spending by 85%.
413
00:15:59,889 --> 00:16:01,823
Here's a hint...
no more departments.
414
00:16:01,858 --> 00:16:04,926
Ha, that crazy
and impractical plan
415
00:16:04,961 --> 00:16:06,261
may have to wait.
416
00:16:06,295 --> 00:16:08,063
Turns out that Bobby Newport,
if he beats Leslie,
417
00:16:08,097 --> 00:16:09,397
is going to appoint
his own city manager.
418
00:16:09,432 --> 00:16:11,066
So I may have
offered you a job
419
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:14,135
that I have no authority
to offer.
420
00:16:14,170 --> 00:16:18,273
- I'm so so sorry.
- Well, that is disappointing.
421
00:16:18,307 --> 00:16:20,175
But don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
422
00:16:20,209 --> 00:16:21,543
Oh, I know.
423
00:16:21,577 --> 00:16:23,428
I mean, in the grand scheme
of things, who cares?
424
00:16:23,462 --> 00:16:24,846
We're all just molecules,
425
00:16:24,881 --> 00:16:28,216
floating around
in random patterns...
426
00:16:28,251 --> 00:16:30,952
Devoid of meaning.
427
00:16:30,987 --> 00:16:32,687
Well, I'll see you
when I see you.
428
00:16:32,722 --> 00:16:34,322
I'm a rolling stone.
429
00:16:34,357 --> 00:16:36,224
- Peace.
- Stop.
430
00:16:36,259 --> 00:16:38,226
Have a seat.
431
00:16:38,261 --> 00:16:42,130
We did things your way,
now we're gonna do it my way.
432
00:16:42,148 --> 00:16:45,466
Prepare to experience
true freedom and bliss.
433
00:16:45,484 --> 00:16:48,303
Oh, maybe I should just go
back to being a nurse full-time.
434
00:16:48,337 --> 00:16:51,873
No, I will not let you return
to a life of shaving wieners
435
00:16:51,908 --> 00:16:53,875
and dodging knife attacks
from meth heads.
436
00:16:54,410 --> 00:16:57,779
Right.
Okay, what are you gonna do?
437
00:16:57,813 --> 00:17:00,982
Well, either you get fired,
the Parks budget shrinks,
438
00:17:01,017 --> 00:17:02,384
or the animal shelter's
gotta go.
439
00:17:02,418 --> 00:17:03,818
Or we find money
somewhere else.
440
00:17:03,853 --> 00:17:05,921
Okay, Leslie,
there is nowhere else.
441
00:17:05,955 --> 00:17:08,723
This is a town budget,
not a bottomless trust fund.
442
00:17:08,758 --> 00:17:10,625
Okay?
443
00:17:10,659 --> 00:17:11,860
Money doesn't just appear
out of nowhere.
444
00:17:11,894 --> 00:17:13,128
- Shh. Stop talking.
- What?
445
00:17:13,162 --> 00:17:14,496
Shh.
446
00:17:14,530 --> 00:17:16,164
I have half an idea
and I'm putting it together.
447
00:17:16,198 --> 00:17:17,432
- Okay.
- Hey!
448
00:17:17,466 --> 00:17:18,600
- Do you wanna...
- Heh.
449
00:17:18,634 --> 00:17:19,668
- I'm...
- No!
450
00:17:19,702 --> 00:17:21,736
- Do you?
- Unh. Shh.
451
00:17:21,771 --> 00:17:24,039
Okay, now I have
a complete idea.
452
00:17:24,073 --> 00:17:27,475
Ben, I'm going to commit
political suicide.
453
00:17:31,547 --> 00:17:35,550
Hey, it's me. Tommy!
454
00:17:35,584 --> 00:17:37,085
- Hi!
- I'm not here.
455
00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:38,320
April.
456
00:17:38,354 --> 00:17:39,654
Swear on my
great-great-grandmother's grave
457
00:17:39,689 --> 00:17:40,789
I'm not here.
458
00:17:40,823 --> 00:17:42,741
I'm gonna come in
for a second.
459
00:17:42,792 --> 00:17:44,592
Can you just
leave me alone?
460
00:17:44,627 --> 00:17:46,878
Why so glum,
sugar plum?
461
00:17:46,912 --> 00:17:48,296
Um, I don't know.
462
00:17:48,331 --> 00:17:50,365
Maybe because I worked so hard
on that dumb pet adoption
463
00:17:50,399 --> 00:17:52,033
and I failed.
464
00:17:52,068 --> 00:17:53,969
That's why it's stupid
to work hard.
465
00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:55,103
Let me show you something.
466
00:17:55,137 --> 00:17:56,755
Because you worked hard,
467
00:17:56,806 --> 00:17:59,507
this little terribly-dressed
girl has a puppy.
468
00:17:59,541 --> 00:18:02,043
And this little puppy
has a home.
469
00:18:02,078 --> 00:18:04,679
If Leslie's taught me anything,
it's that yes,
470
00:18:04,714 --> 00:18:07,816
98% of the time,
this job is frustrating
471
00:18:07,850 --> 00:18:09,985
and you hit brick walls.
472
00:18:10,019 --> 00:18:13,888
But the other 2%,
it's stuff like this kid.
473
00:18:13,923 --> 00:18:15,757
And that puppy.
474
00:18:15,791 --> 00:18:17,459
What... what is that photo?
475
00:18:17,493 --> 00:18:19,461
That must come preloaded
in there or something.
476
00:18:19,495 --> 00:18:22,464
- Oh, my God.
- See you at work tomorrow?
477
00:18:22,498 --> 00:18:23,798
Fine.
478
00:18:23,833 --> 00:18:24,933
All right.
479
00:18:24,967 --> 00:18:27,037
Bye, pups!
Bye, little piggies!
480
00:18:29,071 --> 00:18:32,040
I don't usually poison my body
with dark alcohol,
481
00:18:32,074 --> 00:18:35,143
but this whiskey is...
excellent!
482
00:18:35,177 --> 00:18:36,411
Nectar of the gods.
483
00:18:36,445 --> 00:18:39,481
Well, I should get
back to my office.
484
00:18:39,515 --> 00:18:41,583
As long as I have one.
485
00:18:41,617 --> 00:18:44,252
Chris, I'm not one
for positive thinking
486
00:18:44,286 --> 00:18:46,604
or visualization
or meditation
487
00:18:46,639 --> 00:18:48,923
or really anything in the world
that you believe in.
488
00:18:49,458 --> 00:18:52,427
But you might consider
the upside of losing your job.
489
00:18:53,161 --> 00:18:54,195
For example?
490
00:18:54,230 --> 00:18:56,965
You would no longer be
a government parasite,
491
00:18:56,999 --> 00:18:59,734
sucking the lifeblood from
honest, hardworking people.
492
00:18:59,769 --> 00:19:04,205
Instead, you'd contribute
to society like a man.
493
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,107
That's just one way
it might be good.
494
00:19:06,142 --> 00:19:07,760
I'm sure there are others.
495
00:19:09,711 --> 00:19:11,281
I'm sure there are.
496
00:19:15,468 --> 00:19:17,719
Uh-oh. You look serious.
What's on the agenda?
497
00:19:17,753 --> 00:19:19,304
Just one item, Jennifer.
498
00:19:19,338 --> 00:19:20,788
You're going to announce
499
00:19:20,806 --> 00:19:22,290
that Bobby Newport will use
his personal fortune
500
00:19:22,324 --> 00:19:23,558
to save the animal shelter.
501
00:19:23,592 --> 00:19:26,728
No.
No, that's...
502
00:19:26,762 --> 00:19:29,464
that's, um...
503
00:19:29,498 --> 00:19:30,965
that is a great idea.
504
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,268
In fact, I don't know why
I hadn't thought of it already.
505
00:19:33,302 --> 00:19:34,569
Damn it.
Damn it!
506
00:19:36,005 --> 00:19:37,355
I swear the air in this town
is killing my brain cells.
507
00:19:37,406 --> 00:19:39,040
Actually, the water's not good
for you either.
508
00:19:39,075 --> 00:19:40,275
You shouldn't drink
the tap water.
509
00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:41,443
Has anyone told you that yet?
510
00:19:41,477 --> 00:19:43,912
In exchange,
no more puppy killer ads
511
00:19:43,946 --> 00:19:45,447
for the rest of the campaign.
512
00:19:45,481 --> 00:19:47,315
- That's all we ask.
- Okay.
513
00:19:47,333 --> 00:19:49,617
Well, what's to stop me
from just paying for the shelter
514
00:19:49,652 --> 00:19:50,618
and still running the ads?
515
00:19:50,653 --> 00:19:52,120
Because I told
councilman Pillner
516
00:19:52,154 --> 00:19:53,488
that if you don't agree
to our terms,
517
00:19:53,522 --> 00:19:54,789
he should cut
the Parks budget.
518
00:19:54,824 --> 00:19:57,492
And we'll leak that
it was Leslie's decision
519
00:19:57,526 --> 00:19:59,294
and yours seem
tough and fair,
520
00:19:59,328 --> 00:20:01,796
what with sacrificing
her old apartment.
521
00:20:01,831 --> 00:20:04,165
Okay, what's in it
for you?
522
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,434
A safe home for the animals,
a job for my friend,
523
00:20:06,469 --> 00:20:07,735
and a full Parks budget.
524
00:20:07,770 --> 00:20:09,204
I wasn't born yesterday.
525
00:20:09,238 --> 00:20:11,739
You've gotta have an angle.
This is a home run for us!
526
00:20:11,774 --> 00:20:13,641
We're gonna dominate
the news cycle for a whole week.
527
00:20:13,675 --> 00:20:16,194
Well, you can have this week.
We'll take the next one.
528
00:20:16,228 --> 00:20:18,246
Oh, yeah?
What makes you so sure?
529
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,515
Because in a week,
we have a debate.
530
00:20:20,533 --> 00:20:23,351
And your guy Bobby Newport
is gonna have to show up,
531
00:20:23,385 --> 00:20:25,353
and he's gonna
have to open his mouth.
532
00:20:25,387 --> 00:20:28,089
And I'm gonna kick his ass.
533
00:20:28,124 --> 00:20:30,825
She'll take care of that.
See ya next week!
534
00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:37,678
How's my best buddy?
Just bought this.
535
00:20:37,762 --> 00:20:39,163
Cranium. It's a board game.
Have you heard of it?
536
00:20:39,197 --> 00:20:42,082
It is literally the most fun
I have ever had.
537
00:20:42,133 --> 00:20:43,234
What do you say,
after work,
538
00:20:43,268 --> 00:20:46,237
you, me, whiskey, wheatgrass,
Cranium?
539
00:20:46,271 --> 00:20:47,955
- Ron?
- Chris?
540
00:20:47,989 --> 00:20:50,508
Sorry, he's meditating.
541
00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:52,009
He asked me to tell
anyone who comes in
542
00:20:52,043 --> 00:20:54,144
that he wishes
to remain undisturbed
543
00:20:54,179 --> 00:20:57,014
so as to better clarify
his head space.
544
00:20:57,048 --> 00:20:58,349
Oh, God, Ron.
I am so sorry.
545
00:20:58,383 --> 00:20:59,699
I'll let you get at it.
546
00:21:05,383 --> 00:21:10,699
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com