1
00:00:00,448 --> 00:00:01,548
- But you're the cutest.
- I love you.
2
00:00:01,616 --> 00:00:03,249
I love you too.
3
00:00:04,751 --> 00:00:06,385
Hey, were you going
to tell us something?
4
00:00:06,453 --> 00:00:07,687
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, right.
5
00:00:07,754 --> 00:00:09,188
The latest poll has us
6
00:00:09,255 --> 00:00:11,657
only two points
behind Bobby Newport!
7
00:00:11,725 --> 00:00:13,058
- Whoo! Yes!
- Two points!
8
00:00:13,126 --> 00:00:14,393
I know, you guys,
9
00:00:14,461 --> 00:00:16,095
we only have one more day
to close the gap,
10
00:00:16,162 --> 00:00:19,365
and we're going to do so
in a one-time campaign blitz
11
00:00:19,432 --> 00:00:21,265
aboard the S.S. Knope.
12
00:00:21,333 --> 00:00:23,334
This is going to be our home
for the next 24 hours.
13
00:00:23,402 --> 00:00:25,136
And if we win, hopefully,
it will be the home
14
00:00:25,204 --> 00:00:27,138
- that Ben and I share forever.
- Uh, what?
15
00:00:27,206 --> 00:00:28,439
It's just an idea I had.
We don't have to do it.
16
00:00:28,508 --> 00:00:29,440
Whatever.
We can talk about it.
17
00:00:29,509 --> 00:00:30,542
Okay, here we go!
18
00:00:30,610 --> 00:00:31,843
We've come so far.
19
00:00:31,911 --> 00:00:33,945
I want this so bad,
I can taste it.
20
00:00:34,013 --> 00:00:36,146
When I close my eyes,
21
00:00:36,214 --> 00:00:38,348
I can picture
the flash of the cameras
22
00:00:38,416 --> 00:00:39,950
at my swearing in.
23
00:00:40,018 --> 00:00:42,386
And I can hear
the sound of the applause
24
00:00:42,453 --> 00:00:44,254
when I take my oath.
25
00:00:44,322 --> 00:00:46,590
And I can see
in the crowd
26
00:00:46,658 --> 00:00:49,727
president Obama smiling at me.
27
00:00:50,294 --> 00:00:51,661
He made it.
28
00:00:51,729 --> 00:00:54,631
I didn't think he would come,
but he made it.
29
00:00:54,698 --> 00:00:56,499
Hey, buddy.
30
00:00:59,637 --> 00:01:04,637
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
31
00:01:17,353 --> 00:01:19,021
A few days ago,
on a routine campaign stop
32
00:01:19,088 --> 00:01:20,355
in downtown Pawnee,
33
00:01:20,423 --> 00:01:23,991
one Leslie Knope--
pause--was attacked--
34
00:01:24,059 --> 00:01:26,694
play--
by a pie.
35
00:01:26,762 --> 00:01:29,229
Luckily, it only hit Jerry,
so no damage was done.
36
00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:30,598
Play.
37
00:01:36,838 --> 00:01:40,707
This is Bert Macklin's
greatest assignment yet.
38
00:01:40,775 --> 00:01:42,909
If you are watching,
perpetrator,
39
00:01:43,727 --> 00:01:47,413
just know that
you are still at large.
40
00:01:47,481 --> 00:01:48,782
Okay, listen up, folks.
41
00:01:48,849 --> 00:01:50,584
We have
a security situation here.
42
00:01:50,651 --> 00:01:53,352
As you know,
when we reach the location,
43
00:01:53,420 --> 00:01:55,888
I will be conducting
a security sweep.
44
00:01:55,956 --> 00:01:58,090
Also, from now on,
we'll be using code names.
45
00:01:58,157 --> 00:02:00,292
You can address me
as "eagle one."
46
00:02:00,359 --> 00:02:02,761
Ann, code name:
"Been there, done that."
47
00:02:02,829 --> 00:02:04,863
April is
"currently doing that."
48
00:02:04,931 --> 00:02:07,299
Donna is
"it happened once in a dream."
49
00:02:07,366 --> 00:02:09,367
Chris, code name:
"If I had to pick a dude."
50
00:02:09,435 --> 00:02:12,203
Ben is "eagle two."
51
00:02:12,270 --> 00:02:13,805
Oh, thank God.
52
00:02:14,272 --> 00:02:16,307
No, please.
Come--
53
00:02:16,374 --> 00:02:17,842
we have a problem.
54
00:02:17,910 --> 00:02:19,010
The vans we rented to take
55
00:02:19,078 --> 00:02:20,678
senior citizens
to the polls tomorrow
56
00:02:20,746 --> 00:02:22,647
are now, quote,
"no longer available."
57
00:02:22,715 --> 00:02:24,048
What?
58
00:02:24,116 --> 00:02:25,583
I thought we locked those vans
down, like, a week ago.
59
00:02:25,651 --> 00:02:27,218
Yeah, we worked really hard
to get those seniors back
60
00:02:27,285 --> 00:02:28,819
on our side
after that ramp debacle.
61
00:02:28,886 --> 00:02:30,621
- I really need their votes.
- Okay.
62
00:02:30,688 --> 00:02:32,489
Tom, go down there
and get those vans back.
63
00:02:32,556 --> 00:02:35,092
I'll use
my legendary Haverford charm.
64
00:02:35,159 --> 00:02:37,094
I have total faith in you.
65
00:02:37,161 --> 00:02:38,895
Take Donna with you.
Ron, you go too.
66
00:02:38,963 --> 00:02:40,463
April,
you are a very intelligent
67
00:02:40,531 --> 00:02:41,932
and savvy young woman.
68
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,199
I do not just think of you
as just a gofer,
69
00:02:43,267 --> 00:02:44,800
but right now,
I need you to get me
70
00:02:44,868 --> 00:02:46,335
a triple espresso
with eight sugars.
71
00:02:46,402 --> 00:02:47,770
Okay.
72
00:02:47,838 --> 00:02:50,039
Wha-- I'm on it.
I'll go. I'm going.
73
00:02:50,107 --> 00:02:51,573
Please, I can go.
I don't mind.
74
00:02:51,642 --> 00:02:52,908
It's better than
listening to her
75
00:02:52,976 --> 00:02:54,110
stump speech
for a millionth time.
76
00:02:54,177 --> 00:02:56,946
No. I will do it.
I have to do it.
77
00:02:57,014 --> 00:02:58,848
I need to do it.
Good-bye.
78
00:02:58,915 --> 00:03:01,315
This has been a difficult
year for me, romantically.
79
00:03:01,383 --> 00:03:05,654
Millicent Gergich,
Ann Perkins, Andy's professor--
80
00:03:05,721 --> 00:03:07,188
lots of disappointment,
81
00:03:07,256 --> 00:03:09,624
but if I keep
my body moving
82
00:03:09,692 --> 00:03:11,559
and my mind occupied
at all times,
83
00:03:11,627 --> 00:03:16,130
I will avoid falling into
a bottomless pit of despair.
84
00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:18,598
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
85
00:03:18,667 --> 00:03:21,601
the next city councilor
of the great city of Pawnee,
86
00:03:21,670 --> 00:03:22,970
Leslie Knope!
87
00:03:25,073 --> 00:03:26,173
This is "eagle one,"
"been there, done that"
88
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,641
is leaving the stage.
89
00:03:27,709 --> 00:03:30,010
"I'd be lying if I said
I hadn't thought about it"
90
00:03:30,078 --> 00:03:32,912
is in position.
91
00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:35,982
What do we want for our city?
I'll tell you what I want.
92
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:39,018
I want better schools,
I want cleaner streets,
93
00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:41,087
I want to expel
the violent gangs
94
00:03:41,155 --> 00:03:43,856
of geese in Detweiler Square.
95
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:48,026
And I will finally eliminate
this city's libraries!
96
00:03:49,095 --> 00:03:50,461
Thank you.
97
00:03:50,529 --> 00:03:52,430
In the last few weeks,
we've turned this campaign
98
00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:54,299
into a well-oiled machine.
99
00:03:54,366 --> 00:03:57,535
Leslie's stump speech
is 10 minutes and 40 seconds
100
00:03:57,603 --> 00:03:58,636
every time.
101
00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:00,138
Here, check this out.
102
00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:04,541
There will be a big laugh
right... now.
103
00:04:08,446 --> 00:04:10,848
And now,
a two-second awkward silence
104
00:04:10,916 --> 00:04:12,717
after Leslie does her
Rodney Dangerfield impression.
105
00:04:12,784 --> 00:04:13,951
I tell ya,
106
00:04:14,019 --> 00:04:14,919
these geese
don't give me no respect.
107
00:04:14,986 --> 00:04:18,022
No respect at all.
108
00:04:18,090 --> 00:04:20,223
She insists on trying it
every time,
109
00:04:20,290 --> 00:04:22,125
and it never works.
110
00:04:22,193 --> 00:04:24,861
But the rest of the speech,
fantastic.
111
00:04:24,929 --> 00:04:26,863
When I was building parks,
helping the community,
112
00:04:26,931 --> 00:04:29,465
and putting together
the harvest festival,
113
00:04:29,533 --> 00:04:30,800
where was Bobby?
114
00:04:30,868 --> 00:04:32,769
He and his father,
Nick Newport
115
00:04:32,837 --> 00:04:35,438
were exploiting this city
for their personal gain.
116
00:04:36,005 --> 00:04:37,372
You deserve more.
117
00:04:38,407 --> 00:04:39,541
Here's the best part.
118
00:04:39,609 --> 00:04:41,076
Watch what happens
when she says...
119
00:04:41,144 --> 00:04:44,880
Together,
we can build a better Pawnee.
120
00:04:46,282 --> 00:04:47,549
♪ Get on your feet ♪
121
00:04:48,617 --> 00:04:50,986
Everybody says
they care about the issues,
122
00:04:51,054 --> 00:04:53,054
but at the end of the day,
123
00:04:53,122 --> 00:04:55,289
all anyone really wants
is free clothing
124
00:04:55,357 --> 00:04:57,759
shot at them from a cannon.
125
00:04:59,326 --> 00:05:02,764
I've been staring
at this board for days.
126
00:05:02,831 --> 00:05:04,265
I'm so close
to putting it together.
127
00:05:04,332 --> 00:05:06,134
There's got to be
something we missed.
128
00:05:06,201 --> 00:05:08,334
Let's go over this again.
129
00:05:08,402 --> 00:05:13,106
The video shows that
the pie came from a high angle,
130
00:05:13,174 --> 00:05:17,410
so it would've hit your face...
like this.
131
00:05:17,478 --> 00:05:18,678
Mm-hmm.
132
00:05:18,746 --> 00:05:21,614
Don't close your eyes.
133
00:05:22,682 --> 00:05:23,916
Uh--
134
00:05:27,685 --> 00:05:30,389
No, no.
It was actually from up higher.
135
00:05:30,456 --> 00:05:31,590
Is that about right?
136
00:05:31,658 --> 00:05:33,492
- Yeah.
- Good.
137
00:05:33,559 --> 00:05:35,995
Clean yourself up.
Let's do this again.
138
00:05:36,562 --> 00:05:37,897
Hey, Bill!
139
00:05:37,964 --> 00:05:39,765
Tom Haverford
from the Knope campaign.
140
00:05:39,832 --> 00:05:42,167
And you brought
the whole posse with you, huh?
141
00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:44,535
I'm not changing my mind.
142
00:05:44,603 --> 00:05:46,171
We already paid
for those vans, Mr. Butler.
143
00:05:46,238 --> 00:05:48,339
$900 for one day.
144
00:05:48,407 --> 00:05:50,942
Yeah, it was $900,
but now it's $10,000.
145
00:05:51,010 --> 00:05:52,177
Excuse me?
146
00:05:52,244 --> 00:05:54,145
The Newport campaign
offered me 10 grand
147
00:05:54,213 --> 00:05:56,146
to just rent the vans
and park them somewhere.
148
00:05:56,214 --> 00:05:57,915
So I'm going to tear up
your contract,
149
00:05:57,982 --> 00:05:58,916
and I'm going to take the money.
150
00:05:58,983 --> 00:05:59,950
Anything else?
151
00:06:00,018 --> 00:06:02,085
No? Great.
152
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,187
Well, what now?
153
00:06:03,254 --> 00:06:04,621
He's just playing hardball.
154
00:06:04,689 --> 00:06:06,756
Let me tell you
how it's gonna go down.
155
00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:08,292
In a few minutes,
we'll walk in there,
156
00:06:08,359 --> 00:06:10,360
we'll give him our demands,
and then, bam!
157
00:06:10,428 --> 00:06:12,461
I start crying.
158
00:06:12,529 --> 00:06:14,363
We need the vans, so please,
159
00:06:14,431 --> 00:06:16,098
give the vans, please?
160
00:06:16,166 --> 00:06:17,967
We need the vans.
161
00:06:18,035 --> 00:06:21,270
And if elected,
I promise to stop the Newports
162
00:06:21,338 --> 00:06:24,540
and Sweetums from
blatantly dumping contaminants
163
00:06:24,607 --> 00:06:25,774
into the Pawnee river.
164
00:06:27,577 --> 00:06:31,447
Leslie, can you comment
on Bobby's father Nick Newport?
165
00:06:31,514 --> 00:06:34,350
Nick Newport has been
intimidating and bullying
166
00:06:34,417 --> 00:06:36,084
and poisoning
this town for years.
167
00:06:36,152 --> 00:06:38,220
Frankly, he's a real jerk,
168
00:06:38,287 --> 00:06:39,755
and if he thinks he can buy
this election for his son,
169
00:06:39,823 --> 00:06:40,956
he's wrong.
170
00:06:41,023 --> 00:06:42,257
Sorry, I meant
can you comment on
171
00:06:42,325 --> 00:06:45,460
Nick Newport
dying earlier today?
172
00:06:45,527 --> 00:06:48,763
He died?
173
00:06:48,831 --> 00:06:51,131
I...
174
00:06:51,199 --> 00:06:52,299
Sad.
175
00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:53,601
Is that
your official statement?
176
00:06:53,669 --> 00:06:54,736
"I sad"?
177
00:06:55,303 --> 00:06:58,406
No, my official statement is
178
00:06:58,674 --> 00:07:01,074
that is overall,
179
00:07:01,141 --> 00:07:02,075
a bummer.
180
00:07:02,142 --> 00:07:03,477
Oof.
181
00:07:03,544 --> 00:07:06,747
And--and together
we can build a better Pawnee.
182
00:07:06,814 --> 00:07:10,616
- ♪ Get on your feet ♪
- No, this is isn't the time.
183
00:07:10,684 --> 00:07:12,852
No, guys.
♪ Get up and make it happen ♪
184
00:07:15,501 --> 00:07:16,969
Frankly, he's a real jerk.
185
00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:20,772
Harsh words, but this reporter
does love those t-shirt cannons.
186
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,207
Now, Jen, what are
your thoughts about all of this?
187
00:07:23,275 --> 00:07:24,843
This is not a time
for politics.
188
00:07:25,310 --> 00:07:27,878
I am calling on Leslie Knope
to cancel
189
00:07:27,946 --> 00:07:29,580
all of her campaign events
190
00:07:29,648 --> 00:07:31,548
out of respect
for the Newport family.
191
00:07:31,615 --> 00:07:34,017
Anything else would
be a classless move,
192
00:07:34,085 --> 00:07:39,756
on par with spray-painting
nipples on the Lincoln memorial.
193
00:07:39,774 --> 00:07:41,275
Okay, emergency meeting.
194
00:07:41,342 --> 00:07:43,410
I need everyone
to gather around me
195
00:07:43,477 --> 00:07:44,878
in order of
how much I trust them.
196
00:07:47,014 --> 00:07:49,182
Here's the situation.
A man has died.
197
00:07:49,249 --> 00:07:52,285
But that man is 98 years old,
and he's an awful man.
198
00:07:52,352 --> 00:07:53,853
However, he is a man,
and he died.
199
00:07:53,921 --> 00:07:55,988
Also, you called
the dead man a jerk.
200
00:07:56,056 --> 00:07:57,456
However,
he was a jerk.
201
00:07:57,524 --> 00:07:58,891
He put a lot of people
out of work,
202
00:07:58,959 --> 00:08:00,827
he had tons of mistresses,
203
00:08:00,894 --> 00:08:02,427
he polluted this town.
204
00:08:02,494 --> 00:08:03,962
Okay, Ben, what do we do?
205
00:08:04,030 --> 00:08:06,331
Okay, it's unfortunate,
but the stakes are too high.
206
00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:09,901
We can't just stop campaigning.
We stop, we lose.
207
00:08:09,969 --> 00:08:11,636
Good answer, great body.
208
00:08:11,704 --> 00:08:12,570
Ann, try to beat
what he said.
209
00:08:12,638 --> 00:08:14,105
I'm not going to beat him.
210
00:08:14,173 --> 00:08:15,640
Not with that attitude.
211
00:08:15,708 --> 00:08:17,142
Okay, fine.
I think you should stop.
212
00:08:17,210 --> 00:08:18,876
At least until you apologize
to Bobby in person.
213
00:08:18,944 --> 00:08:20,444
April?
214
00:08:20,511 --> 00:08:22,679
I wasn't listening, but
I strongly disagree with Ann.
215
00:08:22,747 --> 00:08:23,848
Andy?
216
00:08:23,915 --> 00:08:26,917
If the--if the guy--if--
217
00:08:26,985 --> 00:08:28,418
Okay.
218
00:08:28,486 --> 00:08:30,120
I absolutely think that
we should keep campaigning.
219
00:08:30,188 --> 00:08:32,223
The worst possible thing
we could do would be to stop,
220
00:08:32,290 --> 00:08:34,690
'cause if the campaign stops,
we all stop.
221
00:08:34,758 --> 00:08:36,792
And stopping is certain death.
Who wants a panini?
222
00:08:36,861 --> 00:08:37,793
Anyone? Everyone?
223
00:08:37,862 --> 00:08:38,962
I'm going to say everyone.
224
00:08:39,029 --> 00:08:40,529
All right.
225
00:08:40,597 --> 00:08:41,898
All right, Leslie,
what's your call?
226
00:08:41,966 --> 00:08:45,301
Ann, there is nothing harder
in the entire world
227
00:08:45,369 --> 00:08:47,036
than saying no
to your beautiful face.
228
00:08:47,104 --> 00:08:48,271
But I'm going to.
229
00:08:48,339 --> 00:08:49,805
No! We're going
to keep campaigning.
230
00:08:49,873 --> 00:08:51,639
Okay, but we're going to do it
in a classy and respectful way
231
00:08:51,707 --> 00:08:52,741
to get Ann off of our backs.
232
00:08:52,808 --> 00:08:54,276
What's next on the "schedge?"
233
00:08:54,844 --> 00:08:56,278
If you let Newport
have the vans,
234
00:08:56,346 --> 00:08:57,812
they just sit there in a lot.
235
00:08:57,881 --> 00:09:00,983
If you let us have the vans,
they drive around town all day.
236
00:09:01,050 --> 00:09:03,919
Free publicity.
Everyone will see your logo.
237
00:09:03,987 --> 00:09:07,454
Which is you all pressed
up on some chick with huge cans.
238
00:09:07,522 --> 00:09:09,123
Yeah.
It was a hell of a day.
239
00:09:09,191 --> 00:09:10,624
People need to know about it.
240
00:09:10,692 --> 00:09:12,693
And I don't need free publicity.
241
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:16,097
I can just pay for it.
With my $10,000.
242
00:09:16,164 --> 00:09:18,366
Look, I ain't gonna try
to play a player.
243
00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:19,267
You're trying
to get beaucoup bucks
244
00:09:19,334 --> 00:09:20,268
just like the rest of us.
245
00:09:20,335 --> 00:09:21,635
So how about this?
246
00:09:21,703 --> 00:09:24,537
I have a business idea
for a gourmet alcoholic yogurt.
247
00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:26,739
I call it...
Yogurt platinum.
248
00:09:26,807 --> 00:09:28,208
I'll let you in
on the ground floor.
249
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:29,910
And let me tell you,
it's going to be
250
00:09:29,977 --> 00:09:31,611
worth way more
than 10 grand.
251
00:09:31,678 --> 00:09:33,413
Yeah, but now that
I know your bad idea,
252
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:37,384
I can start the company myself.
With my $10,000.
253
00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:39,451
No, you can't do that!
Ron!
254
00:09:39,519 --> 00:09:42,221
Tom, Donna, could
you please give us a moment?
255
00:09:42,289 --> 00:09:44,689
I'd like to talk to Bill,
man to man.
256
00:09:45,257 --> 00:09:46,558
He's gonna steal
yogurt platinum.
257
00:09:46,626 --> 00:09:48,060
No, I'm not.
258
00:09:48,378 --> 00:09:49,978
"We're all your friends,"
said Mr. bacon.
259
00:09:50,046 --> 00:09:53,248
"Welcome home."
The end.
260
00:09:53,316 --> 00:09:55,683
And that is
Groffle, the awful Waffle,
261
00:09:55,750 --> 00:09:57,585
a book that
I wrote and published
262
00:09:57,653 --> 00:09:59,920
on behalf
of my education initiative.
263
00:10:00,188 --> 00:10:01,154
Any questions?
264
00:10:01,222 --> 00:10:02,156
Yes?
265
00:10:02,224 --> 00:10:04,925
How did Groffle cross
the syrup river?
266
00:10:04,993 --> 00:10:07,228
And why did you call
Mr. Newport a jerk?
267
00:10:07,796 --> 00:10:11,364
Ah--well, I should not have
called Nick Newport a jerk,
268
00:10:11,432 --> 00:10:14,133
because we need to be respectful
of all dead people.
269
00:10:14,202 --> 00:10:17,370
I mean, not Stalin or Hitler,
but--
270
00:10:17,438 --> 00:10:19,206
I'm not calling
Nick Newport Hitler.
271
00:10:19,273 --> 00:10:20,708
Ms. Knope, I have a follow-up
272
00:10:20,775 --> 00:10:22,976
to what I'm now deciding
to call "jerk-gate."
273
00:10:23,044 --> 00:10:25,045
Are there any other
deceased members
274
00:10:25,113 --> 00:10:27,213
of Bobby Newport's family
you'd like to attack?
275
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,848
And quit ducking
the waffle question.
276
00:10:28,916 --> 00:10:30,783
Did Groffle use
a boat of some kind?
277
00:10:30,851 --> 00:10:31,851
All right, that's all
the questions for now.
278
00:10:31,919 --> 00:10:33,252
Thank you, everybody.
279
00:10:33,570 --> 00:10:35,471
Are we to assume that he swam
across the syrup river?
280
00:10:35,538 --> 00:10:36,472
Ms. Knope!
281
00:10:36,539 --> 00:10:37,773
I'm never going to get away
282
00:10:37,841 --> 00:10:39,975
from these Nick Newport
questions.
283
00:10:40,042 --> 00:10:41,777
It's obvious
what you need to do.
284
00:10:41,779 --> 00:10:44,829
You have to apologize
to Bobby and stop campaigning.
285
00:10:45,497 --> 00:10:46,564
Okay, fine.
286
00:10:47,132 --> 00:10:48,934
We go to Bobby Newport,
you apologize...
287
00:10:49,001 --> 00:10:50,568
Good.
288
00:10:50,636 --> 00:10:51,937
And then we leak
the details to the press,
289
00:10:52,004 --> 00:10:54,672
which restores your reputation
and buys us enough time
290
00:10:54,741 --> 00:10:56,441
- to finish the bus tour.
- Nice.
291
00:10:56,508 --> 00:10:58,109
No, that's not a real apology.
292
00:10:58,176 --> 00:10:59,810
It's just sneaky.
I don't like it.
293
00:10:59,878 --> 00:11:01,912
Ann, for once,
this is not about you.
294
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,782
A man is dead.
295
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:07,934
Look, friend,
I respect your slavish devotion
296
00:11:08,003 --> 00:11:09,269
to the free market,
297
00:11:09,337 --> 00:11:11,438
but you can't welch
on a contract.
298
00:11:12,874 --> 00:11:15,975
Where I come from,
a man's word is sacred.
299
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,344
Okay, what's your stance
on pinky swears,
300
00:11:18,412 --> 00:11:20,279
George Washington?
301
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,981
I'm taking the money.
302
00:11:22,799 --> 00:11:24,968
Fine.
I'll match it.
303
00:11:25,535 --> 00:11:27,536
I'll give you
$10,000 for the vans.
304
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:28,971
Deal?
305
00:11:29,038 --> 00:11:31,038
No. Price has gone up.
306
00:11:31,106 --> 00:11:32,173
Now it's $12,000.
307
00:11:32,241 --> 00:11:33,241
What? Why?
308
00:11:33,309 --> 00:11:34,476
Look,
309
00:11:34,543 --> 00:11:36,844
I own a fleet
of 22 crappy white vans,
310
00:11:36,912 --> 00:11:38,380
and for some reason
there's a massive bidding war
311
00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:39,914
going on over them.
312
00:11:39,982 --> 00:11:43,418
Now for a guy whose only assets
are 22 crappy white vans,
313
00:11:43,486 --> 00:11:45,019
it's pretty much
a dream scenario,
314
00:11:45,087 --> 00:11:47,053
so I'm just going
to ride this out,
315
00:11:47,121 --> 00:11:49,189
see where it takes me.
316
00:11:49,257 --> 00:11:51,124
And now it's 15,000.
317
00:11:51,192 --> 00:11:54,127
Okay, I talked Newport's
people into giving us
318
00:11:54,195 --> 00:11:56,096
ten minutes alone with Bobby,
319
00:11:56,164 --> 00:11:57,698
so we get in there,
we apologize,
320
00:11:57,766 --> 00:11:59,333
and then we get back
on the campaign trail.
321
00:11:59,401 --> 00:12:01,134
Okay, how do we leak this
to the press?
322
00:12:01,202 --> 00:12:02,169
Do we, like, release
a statement?
323
00:12:02,236 --> 00:12:03,536
Do we call somebody?
324
00:12:03,604 --> 00:12:06,439
Um, I don't think that's going
to be a problem.
325
00:12:06,507 --> 00:12:09,409
Oh, my God, why are
there so many people here?
326
00:12:09,476 --> 00:12:11,944
It's a trap.
It's a trap!
327
00:12:12,012 --> 00:12:13,313
We got to get out of here.
Turn around! Turn around!
328
00:12:13,380 --> 00:12:15,682
This is a time of solemnity
and remembrance.
329
00:12:15,749 --> 00:12:19,718
This is not a time
for politi--
330
00:12:19,786 --> 00:12:22,287
Oh, wow.
331
00:12:22,355 --> 00:12:25,890
Leslie Knope is
driving her campaign bus
332
00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:27,326
through a memorial service.
333
00:12:27,393 --> 00:12:28,760
- Back it up!
- Back it up!
334
00:12:28,828 --> 00:12:30,161
- Okay, back up!
- Back it up!
335
00:12:30,229 --> 00:12:32,163
Just when we thought
she couldn't stoop any lower.
336
00:12:32,231 --> 00:12:33,965
Just--oh!
337
00:12:35,233 --> 00:12:36,900
- Oh!
- Aah!
338
00:12:36,968 --> 00:12:38,436
- Uh...
- Go forward!
339
00:12:38,503 --> 00:12:40,204
Go forward!
Go forward!
340
00:12:40,271 --> 00:12:42,373
I feel like
he's dying all over again.
341
00:12:42,441 --> 00:12:44,342
- Stop it!
- Ah!
342
00:12:44,409 --> 00:12:47,478
- Oh.
- Oh, no.
343
00:12:53,517 --> 00:12:57,286
Hi...
Sorry, are we late?
344
00:13:01,459 --> 00:13:03,827
So I--I hate
to bring this up again,
345
00:13:03,894 --> 00:13:05,829
but I just want to make sure
that I'm going to get paid.
346
00:13:05,896 --> 00:13:07,964
It was a handshake agreement
with Mr. Newport.
347
00:13:08,032 --> 00:13:09,199
It was for a lot of money.
348
00:13:09,266 --> 00:13:10,767
Anyway,
you can wire-transfer it.
349
00:13:10,835 --> 00:13:12,135
Sorry for your loss.
350
00:13:12,203 --> 00:13:13,269
I can't believe
you turned this situation
351
00:13:13,337 --> 00:13:14,904
into a political sideshow.
352
00:13:14,972 --> 00:13:16,372
Oh, come on,
you guys were only going
353
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:17,373
to apologize for the press.
354
00:13:17,441 --> 00:13:19,775
No way, that's not us.
You don't know us at all.
355
00:13:19,843 --> 00:13:20,809
It's rude to say it.
356
00:13:20,877 --> 00:13:22,044
We wouldn't even think it.
357
00:13:22,112 --> 00:13:23,546
Yeah,
that's a ridiculous claim.
358
00:13:23,614 --> 00:13:27,283
We brought a "sorry
for your loss" fruit basket
359
00:13:27,351 --> 00:13:28,517
for Bobby.
360
00:13:28,585 --> 00:13:31,554
And it is very classy.
No melon, no apples.
361
00:13:31,622 --> 00:13:33,222
You were going to use us,
362
00:13:33,289 --> 00:13:35,022
and we just turned
the tables on you.
363
00:13:35,090 --> 00:13:36,658
'Cause I'm smarter and faster.
364
00:13:36,726 --> 00:13:38,693
That is not a judgment.
That's just a fact.
365
00:13:38,761 --> 00:13:41,663
We're both just doing whatever
it takes to win, right?
366
00:13:43,132 --> 00:13:44,966
I love polka dots.
It's so cute.
367
00:13:46,335 --> 00:13:47,769
I'm sorry,
I should have seen this coming.
368
00:13:47,836 --> 00:13:49,836
And we should not
have driven here
369
00:13:49,904 --> 00:13:51,472
on a bus
with your face on it.
370
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,773
No, it's my fault.
371
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:53,674
And you know what?
Jen is right.
372
00:13:53,742 --> 00:13:54,841
I'm no better than her.
373
00:13:55,409 --> 00:13:57,577
No, Leslie,
yes, you are.
374
00:13:57,645 --> 00:14:00,013
All you need to do is
stop the machine for a second
375
00:14:00,081 --> 00:14:01,815
and go apologize to Bobby.
376
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:04,350
Alone without cameras.
377
00:14:04,418 --> 00:14:06,819
Thanks, Ann, but where was
that advice six hours ago?
378
00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:08,287
That's not going to work.
379
00:14:08,354 --> 00:14:09,889
I had to try.
380
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,161
April.
381
00:14:15,228 --> 00:14:17,029
I just got Champion
his dog food,
382
00:14:17,097 --> 00:14:18,931
cleaned your house,
filed that paperwork--
383
00:14:18,999 --> 00:14:21,033
you're officially
April Ludgate Dwyer,
384
00:14:21,101 --> 00:14:23,234
installed a smoke detector,
and now I'm back.
385
00:14:23,302 --> 00:14:24,335
What's next?
386
00:14:24,403 --> 00:14:25,569
Nothing, Chris.
387
00:14:25,637 --> 00:14:27,972
Just sit down somewhere
and stop bothering me.
388
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,107
I can't.
389
00:14:29,925 --> 00:14:31,810
I've had a very tough year.
390
00:14:31,877 --> 00:14:35,680
I can't stop thinking about
Ann and Millicent.
391
00:14:35,747 --> 00:14:37,248
And if I'm alone
with my thoughts,
392
00:14:37,316 --> 00:14:39,216
I go to a dark place.
393
00:14:39,284 --> 00:14:41,451
Okay, first of all,
dark places are awesome.
394
00:14:41,519 --> 00:14:44,855
Secondly, Ann is kind of lame,
so way to dodge a bullet.
395
00:14:44,923 --> 00:14:48,125
And Millicent is Jerry's
daughter, so two bullets.
396
00:14:48,193 --> 00:14:52,595
And you're not alone.
You've got... lots of friends.
397
00:14:52,663 --> 00:14:54,797
Somewhere.
398
00:14:54,865 --> 00:14:56,732
I assume.
399
00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:58,968
You're going to be just fine.
400
00:14:59,036 --> 00:15:02,571
Thank you.
You're right.
401
00:15:02,639 --> 00:15:04,673
I'll be fine.
402
00:15:04,741 --> 00:15:06,475
I'm not fine.
It didn't work.
403
00:15:13,349 --> 00:15:14,882
Hey, Bobby.
404
00:15:14,950 --> 00:15:17,685
Oh, hi.
405
00:15:17,753 --> 00:15:19,086
Want to play bowling?
406
00:15:19,154 --> 00:15:21,489
Why don't you play
with the real one?
407
00:15:22,258 --> 00:15:24,993
Oh.
I like this one better.
408
00:15:25,061 --> 00:15:27,594
The little guy looks like me.
See?
409
00:15:27,662 --> 00:15:29,830
Hey, can we talk
for a second?
410
00:15:30,047 --> 00:15:33,033
Look, I just wanted to say
I'm really sorry your dad died,
411
00:15:33,101 --> 00:15:35,535
and I'm really, really sorry
I called him a jerk.
412
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:37,838
That's okay.
413
00:15:37,906 --> 00:15:40,707
He was, like,
a million years old.
414
00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:43,176
And he was kind of a jerk.
415
00:15:43,244 --> 00:15:45,912
The only reason I did this
campaign was to impress him,
416
00:15:45,980 --> 00:15:48,248
and he couldn't have cared less.
417
00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:52,718
You know, my mom was a great
athlete when she was a kid.
418
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:55,955
So in junior high,
I joined the track team
419
00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:59,291
to impress her,
even though I hated it.
420
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:00,825
And at the end of the year,
421
00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:05,030
I ran the 5,000 meters
in this huge track event.
422
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:09,134
And I finished dead last.
423
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,736
And I thought that she was going
to be really disappointed in me.
424
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,272
But she wasn't.
425
00:16:13,339 --> 00:16:17,074
She ran up to me, and she
wrapped me up in this big hug,
426
00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:20,278
and she told me she had never
been more proud of me.
427
00:16:22,114 --> 00:16:24,282
Thanks, Leslie.
That's a great story.
428
00:16:25,349 --> 00:16:28,352
I'm not 100% sure
I get the point, but--
429
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,520
You finished this race,
Bobby.
430
00:16:30,587 --> 00:16:33,223
The campaign is over,
and you finished.
431
00:16:34,291 --> 00:16:35,458
Win or lose,
432
00:16:36,526 --> 00:16:40,630
I bet you anything that
your dad was proud of you.
433
00:16:40,697 --> 00:16:41,831
Now I get it.
434
00:16:41,899 --> 00:16:43,133
There you go.
435
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:47,102
Your mom and my dad
are both dicks.
436
00:16:47,170 --> 00:16:49,171
There's no vans
within 50 miles,
437
00:16:49,239 --> 00:16:50,873
and, for some reason,
438
00:16:50,942 --> 00:16:53,042
no one wants
to lend me $10,000.
439
00:16:53,109 --> 00:16:54,810
Even if we had the dough,
440
00:16:54,877 --> 00:16:57,746
that bunco artist would just
demand more, trust me.
441
00:16:59,249 --> 00:17:00,983
Don't move.
Let's just stay here.
442
00:17:01,051 --> 00:17:02,716
For like an hour,
and not let him out.
443
00:17:02,784 --> 00:17:05,086
This isn't right.
Our girl's worked hard.
444
00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:06,654
We're so close.
445
00:17:08,757 --> 00:17:11,259
I know he didn't
just hit my baby!
446
00:17:11,327 --> 00:17:13,061
Hey!
What the hell, guys?
447
00:17:13,128 --> 00:17:14,362
Move!
448
00:17:14,430 --> 00:17:15,563
All right.
449
00:17:15,630 --> 00:17:18,365
Y'all got your seat belts on?
450
00:17:18,433 --> 00:17:20,133
Oh!
451
00:17:21,836 --> 00:17:23,036
Did you see that?
452
00:17:23,104 --> 00:17:26,006
That son of a bitch
just rear-ended me.
453
00:17:26,074 --> 00:17:27,274
Am I dead?
454
00:17:27,342 --> 00:17:28,342
What the hell?
455
00:17:28,409 --> 00:17:31,744
Exactly, Bill.
What the hell?
456
00:17:31,812 --> 00:17:33,046
You just rear-ended me.
457
00:17:33,114 --> 00:17:34,413
That is not what happened.
458
00:17:34,481 --> 00:17:36,349
- But I got witnesses.
- Yeah.
459
00:17:36,416 --> 00:17:38,317
It went down exactly the way
my girl said it did,
460
00:17:38,385 --> 00:17:39,818
you mean, bald man.
461
00:17:39,886 --> 00:17:43,622
Hey, what about you,
Mr. "A man's word is sacred"?
462
00:17:43,690 --> 00:17:46,792
Well, it is,
but you're an ass[Bleep].
463
00:17:46,860 --> 00:17:48,194
So we can settle this now.
464
00:17:48,261 --> 00:17:51,829
I will accept payment
in van rentals.
465
00:17:52,497 --> 00:17:53,865
Gah!
466
00:17:53,932 --> 00:17:55,633
All right,
let's go to the video again.
467
00:17:56,001 --> 00:17:58,736
Sweet kick,
Leslie exits the building,
468
00:17:58,804 --> 00:18:00,538
and then you get hit.
469
00:18:05,244 --> 00:18:06,343
What else do we know?
470
00:18:06,911 --> 00:18:10,014
We know that Leslie was
about 15 feet in front of you,
471
00:18:10,581 --> 00:18:12,716
so clearly the assailant
has terrible aim.
472
00:18:12,783 --> 00:18:13,683
Mm-hmm.
473
00:18:14,451 --> 00:18:16,254
Or...
474
00:18:17,322 --> 00:18:19,056
Leslie wasn't the target.
475
00:18:19,124 --> 00:18:20,992
Well, who then?
476
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,560
Okay, that's permanent marker.
477
00:18:24,628 --> 00:18:26,462
Go find Ben,
478
00:18:26,530 --> 00:18:28,097
get a list of everyone
he's ever fired.
479
00:18:28,165 --> 00:18:30,500
Go, go!
480
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:34,070
Macklin,
you son of a bitch.
481
00:18:35,439 --> 00:18:36,739
A lot of people
have been asking me
482
00:18:36,806 --> 00:18:38,840
how I feel about everything
that's happened today.
483
00:18:38,908 --> 00:18:40,708
Well, let me tell you
a little story.
484
00:18:40,776 --> 00:18:44,246
My dad was this amazing athlete
when he was a kid.
485
00:18:44,313 --> 00:18:47,649
When I was in junior high,
I started doing track
486
00:18:47,716 --> 00:18:49,117
just to impress him...
487
00:18:49,185 --> 00:18:50,519
Even though I hated it.
488
00:18:50,586 --> 00:18:54,255
At the end of the year,
I entered the 5,000 meters.
489
00:18:54,322 --> 00:18:58,092
And I won.
It was awesome.
490
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:02,463
My dad wrapped me in a big hug,
said he was proud of me.
491
00:19:02,531 --> 00:19:05,299
That's just a great story that
happened between me and my dad
492
00:19:05,367 --> 00:19:06,300
and nobody else.
493
00:19:06,368 --> 00:19:07,535
Oh, we're dead.
494
00:19:07,602 --> 00:19:09,303
- It's over.
- That's my story.
495
00:19:09,371 --> 00:19:12,004
Before I go, I want to
bring up a special guest.
496
00:19:12,073 --> 00:19:15,208
Somebody who's been very
supportive and mega cool today.
497
00:19:15,276 --> 00:19:17,444
Leslie Knope.
Will you come up here?
498
00:19:17,511 --> 00:19:19,512
- What?
- Come on, come up here.
499
00:19:19,580 --> 00:19:21,013
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Do--
500
00:19:21,082 --> 00:19:23,416
You know, Leslie's been
getting a lot of heat today,
501
00:19:23,484 --> 00:19:26,318
but I want you all to know that
we talked person-to-person,
502
00:19:26,386 --> 00:19:28,120
and she's really great.
503
00:19:28,188 --> 00:19:30,889
People should stop being
so mean to her.
504
00:19:30,957 --> 00:19:33,325
In fact, if you don't vote
for me tomorrow,
505
00:19:33,393 --> 00:19:35,127
you should vote for her,
506
00:19:35,195 --> 00:19:37,963
because she's super,
super awesome lady.
507
00:19:38,030 --> 00:19:40,865
Leslie, we did it!
Yeah!
508
00:19:42,434 --> 00:19:44,802
Maybe we're not dead.
509
00:19:46,169 --> 00:19:47,538
Chris, right?
510
00:19:47,606 --> 00:19:49,240
Hi, I'm Jen.
511
00:19:49,308 --> 00:19:50,808
Hello.
512
00:19:50,875 --> 00:19:53,111
You know, there are
30 bedrooms in this house.
513
00:19:53,178 --> 00:19:55,946
Bobby's in one,
there's a dead guy in another,
514
00:19:56,014 --> 00:19:57,781
the rest are free.
515
00:19:57,849 --> 00:20:00,350
What do you say?
516
00:20:00,418 --> 00:20:03,853
Oh!
That is very flattering.
517
00:20:03,921 --> 00:20:06,956
But you're the opposition
campaign manager.
518
00:20:07,024 --> 00:20:09,058
I--I couldn't do that to Leslie.
519
00:20:09,127 --> 00:20:10,527
Oh, for God's sake, Chris.
520
00:20:10,595 --> 00:20:13,463
This campaign is over.
My job is done and so is yours.
521
00:20:13,531 --> 00:20:15,132
It's just sex.
522
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,767
I'm very good at it.
523
00:20:18,835 --> 00:20:19,768
- Okay.
- Great!
524
00:20:19,836 --> 00:20:21,036
Let's do it.
525
00:20:22,104 --> 00:20:23,438
Haven't got all day, honey.
526
00:20:28,851 --> 00:20:30,585
Sewage Joe.
527
00:20:30,653 --> 00:20:32,521
Ben Wyatt fired you
for sending pictures
528
00:20:32,588 --> 00:20:33,722
of your penis to everyone,
529
00:20:33,790 --> 00:20:35,691
and you've come here
to "pie" him.
530
00:20:35,758 --> 00:20:37,058
Little twerp has it coming.
531
00:20:37,126 --> 00:20:38,092
Oh, dude, I dare you.
532
00:20:38,660 --> 00:20:40,696
Please.
533
00:20:40,763 --> 00:20:42,698
Give me one reason
to take you down.
534
00:20:42,765 --> 00:20:45,265
I would love nothing more--
535
00:20:45,334 --> 00:20:47,368
Oh, [Bleep].
Ben, sorry.
536
00:20:47,436 --> 00:20:48,936
All right, let's go.
537
00:20:49,003 --> 00:20:50,705
Oh, I did it!
538
00:20:52,072 --> 00:20:54,407
Yeah.
Great job.
539
00:20:54,516 --> 00:20:59,916
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com