1
00:00:01,331 --> 00:00:03,999
Andy and Leslie
sent us care packages.
2
00:00:04,231 --> 00:00:07,099
"Hey Ben, just a few things
to remind you of home."
3
00:00:07,133 --> 00:00:08,133
"Love, Leslie."
4
00:00:08,151 --> 00:00:09,936
Ah, Waffle Mix.
5
00:00:09,970 --> 00:00:11,637
JJ's diner mug.
6
00:00:11,655 --> 00:00:13,606
New pajamas.
7
00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:15,775
Wow, there's a lot
of stuff in here.
8
00:00:15,809 --> 00:00:18,527
"Box 1 of 12"?
9
00:00:19,078 --> 00:00:21,146
"April, here's something
to help you remember
10
00:00:21,164 --> 00:00:23,165
our three-legged dog
champion."
11
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:24,316
Ah, that's cute.
12
00:00:24,334 --> 00:00:25,818
"Also, you are way better
at laundry.
13
00:00:25,836 --> 00:00:28,320
"Can you please do mine
and send it back to me?
14
00:00:28,338 --> 00:00:31,090
Thanks. Love you.
Mouse Rat rules. Love, Andy."
15
00:00:31,124 --> 00:00:32,174
Less cute.
16
00:00:32,209 --> 00:00:33,426
"P.S. Please hurry.
17
00:00:33,460 --> 00:00:35,127
"I've been wearing
a bandana as underwear
18
00:00:35,161 --> 00:00:36,128
for three days now."
19
00:00:36,162 --> 00:00:37,797
Look, there's a picture.
20
00:00:37,831 --> 00:00:40,599
Ah!
That's horrifying.
21
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:45,655
I love him so much.
22
00:00:48,692 --> 00:00:53,292
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
23
00:01:05,876 --> 00:01:08,094
Okay, so do you have
the results of the study?
24
00:01:08,128 --> 00:01:09,512
Yes, and they're great.
25
00:01:09,546 --> 00:01:11,013
Your tax on soda
26
00:01:11,048 --> 00:01:13,132
would definitely
lower diabetes in this town.
27
00:01:13,166 --> 00:01:15,501
Oh, and I have a great prop
for the meeting.
28
00:01:15,519 --> 00:01:16,936
This is the amount of sugar
29
00:01:16,970 --> 00:01:18,938
that the average Pawnee
10-year-old consumes,
30
00:01:18,972 --> 00:01:21,140
from soda, every month.
31
00:01:21,174 --> 00:01:22,525
- That is gross.
- It's gross.
32
00:01:22,559 --> 00:01:24,343
- All that sugar?
- It's really gross.
33
00:01:24,361 --> 00:01:26,145
- What a powerful image.
- What are you doing?
34
00:01:26,179 --> 00:01:27,363
What did you put in the sugar?
It's so good.
35
00:01:27,397 --> 00:01:29,365
My first act
as a city councilwoman--
36
00:01:29,399 --> 00:01:32,485
I've proposed a tax on
all those giant sugary sodas
37
00:01:32,519 --> 00:01:34,553
so we can discourage people
from drinking them.
38
00:01:34,588 --> 00:01:35,955
I believe, with my help,
39
00:01:35,989 --> 00:01:37,856
all local restaurants
can get healthier--
40
00:01:37,874 --> 00:01:40,543
Paunch Burger, Big and Wide,
The Fat Sack,
41
00:01:40,577 --> 00:01:42,294
Coronel Plum's Slop Trough--
42
00:01:48,034 --> 00:01:49,368
Ah, councilwoman.
43
00:01:49,386 --> 00:01:51,137
In honor of
your never-ending quest
44
00:01:51,171 --> 00:01:52,871
to personally babysit
45
00:01:52,889 --> 00:01:54,423
each and every
American citizen,
46
00:01:54,474 --> 00:01:57,143
I went to Paunch Burger
and got myself a Number two--
47
00:01:57,177 --> 00:02:00,212
Double Bacon Grenade Deluxe,
hash browns,
48
00:02:00,230 --> 00:02:02,548
chili cheese fries,
and one poached egg.
49
00:02:02,566 --> 00:02:04,550
Ugh!
Number two is right.
50
00:02:04,568 --> 00:02:07,570
I also picked up a 64-ounce
Sweetums Sugar Splash.
51
00:02:07,604 --> 00:02:09,405
Damn it, I love this country
so much.
52
00:02:09,439 --> 00:02:11,907
Ron, I'm really glad
that you're here.
53
00:02:11,942 --> 00:02:13,892
Our political differences
aside,
54
00:02:13,910 --> 00:02:16,061
I am about to go to
my first committee meeting
55
00:02:16,079 --> 00:02:19,532
as a city councilwoman.
56
00:02:19,566 --> 00:02:21,033
There's something
I need to say to you.
57
00:02:21,067 --> 00:02:22,251
Please don't.
58
00:02:22,285 --> 00:02:24,003
I know you hate
feelings and emotions,
59
00:02:24,037 --> 00:02:26,088
but I would not be where I am
if it wasn't for you.
60
00:02:26,123 --> 00:02:28,907
You hired me.
You've always supported me.
61
00:02:28,925 --> 00:02:30,376
How can I ever repay you?
62
00:02:31,878 --> 00:02:33,045
Get me a refill.
63
00:02:35,632 --> 00:02:37,216
Hey, everybody.
64
00:02:37,250 --> 00:02:38,934
So, I've been going
over your reports.
65
00:02:38,969 --> 00:02:43,022
Let's try to be consistent
with our fonts, guys, okay?
66
00:02:43,056 --> 00:02:44,440
There's a crazy amount
67
00:02:44,474 --> 00:02:47,092
of random font differences
in these memos.
68
00:02:47,110 --> 00:02:50,262
Yeah, people.
Consistent font usage. Come on.
69
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,948
Times New Roman,
across the board.
70
00:02:52,983 --> 00:02:56,535
No Geneva, no Garamond,
definitely no Papyrus.
71
00:02:56,570 --> 00:02:58,037
Papyrus?
Are you kidding me?
72
00:02:58,071 --> 00:03:00,606
There's no place for that in
a professional office setting.
73
00:03:00,624 --> 00:03:02,041
Yes!
Thank you, April.
74
00:03:02,075 --> 00:03:06,295
These college interns really
need to be whipped into shape,
75
00:03:06,329 --> 00:03:09,081
but don't worry, because
they call me Devo,
76
00:03:09,115 --> 00:03:11,383
'cause I can
"whip 'em good."
77
00:03:13,303 --> 00:03:16,622
And obviously make sure
the content's perfect too.
78
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:19,291
Oh, and, uh, 12 point.
79
00:03:19,309 --> 00:03:22,595
13's just obnoxious.
Great meeting.
80
00:03:22,629 --> 00:03:24,480
Out of the way, people.
81
00:03:24,514 --> 00:03:26,148
Motivational brigade
coming through.
82
00:03:26,183 --> 00:03:27,966
Ho ho!
83
00:03:27,984 --> 00:03:30,802
So, you boys are gonna go
work out together, huh?
84
00:03:30,821 --> 00:03:33,939
Nice. Whereabouts?
Community college.
85
00:03:33,973 --> 00:03:35,107
Eh, that's too far.
86
00:03:35,141 --> 00:03:37,109
Chris and Tom offered
to help me train
87
00:03:37,143 --> 00:03:38,777
to become a police officer.
88
00:03:38,811 --> 00:03:41,980
The physical exam is
about three months away
89
00:03:41,998 --> 00:03:49,088
and I am in terrible shape,
but I can already do this...
90
00:03:49,122 --> 00:03:51,757
So, I'm getting there.
91
00:03:51,791 --> 00:03:52,875
So, I've got
a list of everything
92
00:03:52,926 --> 00:03:54,126
that I'm supposed to
be able to do
93
00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,011
to get into the police academy,
and number one is,
94
00:03:56,046 --> 00:03:59,164
"be able to run 2 miles
in under 25 minutes."
95
00:03:59,182 --> 00:04:00,349
That's a typo, right?
96
00:04:00,383 --> 00:04:01,634
I mean,
that's humanly impossible.
97
00:04:01,668 --> 00:04:04,436
When you are able to focus
your mind and your body,
98
00:04:04,471 --> 00:04:06,105
anything is possible.
99
00:04:06,139 --> 00:04:09,775
Anything is possible!
100
00:04:09,809 --> 00:04:11,644
Ms. Pinewood,
101
00:04:11,678 --> 00:04:13,312
recently, many of
the local restaurants
102
00:04:13,346 --> 00:04:16,232
have changed their
"small-size" option
103
00:04:16,283 --> 00:04:19,118
to a whopping 64-ounces.
104
00:04:19,152 --> 00:04:21,570
That's correct, and it's
great for the consumer.
105
00:04:21,621 --> 00:04:23,021
More bang for the buck.
106
00:04:23,039 --> 00:04:25,124
Are we putting bargains
on trial here?
107
00:04:25,158 --> 00:04:27,526
How could any sane person
call that "small"?
108
00:04:27,544 --> 00:04:29,628
Well, if the customer
truly wants a smaller size,
109
00:04:29,663 --> 00:04:30,796
there is an option.
110
00:04:30,830 --> 00:04:33,666
Oh, do you mean
the "li'I swallow"?
111
00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:35,384
Does anybody buy that?
112
00:04:35,418 --> 00:04:36,802
Some girls buy them
for their dollhouses,
113
00:04:36,836 --> 00:04:38,587
but they're not
very popular.
114
00:04:38,638 --> 00:04:40,089
I mean, for only
a nickel more,
115
00:04:40,140 --> 00:04:41,807
you get 64 ounces.
116
00:04:42,341 --> 00:04:45,711
Well, uh, Paunch Burger
just recently came out
117
00:04:45,729 --> 00:04:50,015
with a new 128-ounce option.
118
00:04:50,049 --> 00:04:52,401
Most people call it
a gallon,
119
00:04:52,435 --> 00:04:53,736
but they call it
the "regular."
120
00:04:53,770 --> 00:04:57,773
Then, there is a horrifying
512-ounce version
121
00:04:57,824 --> 00:05:00,526
that the call "child size."
122
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,329
How is this
a "child-size soda"?
123
00:05:03,363 --> 00:05:06,081
Well, it's roughly the size
of a two-year-old child,
124
00:05:06,116 --> 00:05:07,583
if the child were liquefied.
125
00:05:07,617 --> 00:05:10,002
It's a real bargain
at $1.59.
126
00:05:10,036 --> 00:05:11,253
I'm sorry, Ms. Pinewood,
127
00:05:11,288 --> 00:05:13,005
but why would anybody
need this much soda?
128
00:05:13,039 --> 00:05:15,174
It's not my place to speak
for the consumer,
129
00:05:15,208 --> 00:05:18,427
but everyone should buy it.
130
00:05:18,461 --> 00:05:20,512
Come on, Andy, come on.
You can do it.
131
00:05:20,547 --> 00:05:21,847
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go.
132
00:05:21,881 --> 00:05:23,915
Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig,
dig, dig, dig, dig.
133
00:05:23,934 --> 00:05:25,250
- Aah!
- Yes!
134
00:05:25,268 --> 00:05:26,602
Oh, my God.
135
00:05:26,636 --> 00:05:29,521
It's so hot.
It was horrible.
136
00:05:29,556 --> 00:05:32,725
Oh, I'm going to die.
I'm so tired.
137
00:05:32,759 --> 00:05:35,444
Everything hurts.
138
00:05:35,478 --> 00:05:37,763
Running is impossible.
139
00:05:38,281 --> 00:05:39,531
What are you doing?
140
00:05:39,566 --> 00:05:41,817
Tom, now is not the time
for criticism.
141
00:05:41,868 --> 00:05:43,268
How did he do?
142
00:05:43,286 --> 00:05:46,372
Andy finished his two-mile run
in 29 minutes and 43 seconds.
143
00:05:46,406 --> 00:05:49,992
No! I'm never
gonna be a cop.
144
00:05:50,043 --> 00:05:51,627
I'm gonna have to be
a robber.
145
00:05:51,661 --> 00:05:53,111
Oh, come on.
Hang in there, pal.
146
00:05:53,129 --> 00:05:54,713
I'm gonna drive around.
147
00:05:55,748 --> 00:05:58,617
Andy, I'm proud of you.
148
00:05:58,635 --> 00:06:00,952
Not because of what you did,
which was terrible,
149
00:06:00,971 --> 00:06:03,839
but because of what I'm going to
be able to get you to do.
150
00:06:03,890 --> 00:06:05,307
I guess I'm proud of me.
151
00:06:05,342 --> 00:06:06,475
Thanks, man.
Me too.
152
00:06:07,509 --> 00:06:08,960
We have so much work to do.
153
00:06:08,979 --> 00:06:10,562
Oh, hey, Ellis,
154
00:06:10,597 --> 00:06:12,130
have you put the campaign
pictures up on the website?
155
00:06:12,148 --> 00:06:16,068
Oh. Yeah.
I started doing them.
156
00:06:16,102 --> 00:06:19,455
And are you going to
finish doing them?
157
00:06:19,489 --> 00:06:22,608
Oh.
Later, man.
158
00:06:28,981 --> 00:06:31,033
I actually think
you look really good,
159
00:06:31,084 --> 00:06:33,836
except for the stick
up your butt.
160
00:06:33,870 --> 00:06:35,254
Who do you think drew it?
161
00:06:35,288 --> 00:06:37,256
Was it Nathaniel?
Ellis?
162
00:06:37,290 --> 00:06:39,208
Man, I feel like
these interns
163
00:06:39,259 --> 00:06:41,960
do not respect
or like me at all.
164
00:06:41,994 --> 00:06:43,962
Honestly, you could
loosen up a bit
165
00:06:43,996 --> 00:06:45,214
on the font stuff.
166
00:06:45,265 --> 00:06:48,166
And everything in general.
167
00:06:48,184 --> 00:06:49,968
God, this is insane.
They're interns.
168
00:06:50,002 --> 00:06:52,855
They're totally replaceable,
and I'm their boss.
169
00:06:52,889 --> 00:06:55,274
Just fire them.
170
00:06:55,308 --> 00:06:56,975
Uh, hey, Jen.
171
00:06:57,009 --> 00:06:59,344
Listen, I'm having a problem
with some of the interns.
172
00:06:59,362 --> 00:07:01,313
I'm thinking of
making some changes.
173
00:07:01,347 --> 00:07:03,449
Yeah.
174
00:07:03,483 --> 00:07:06,985
Turns out Ellis is
Congressman Murray's nephew.
175
00:07:07,019 --> 00:07:10,205
Nathaniel is related
to Donald Rumsfeld.
176
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,357
Brittany's dad is
Ben Bernanke's dentist.
177
00:07:12,375 --> 00:07:14,293
Every single one
of these little twerps
178
00:07:14,327 --> 00:07:15,861
is seriously connected.
179
00:07:15,879 --> 00:07:17,379
So, new plan.
180
00:07:17,414 --> 00:07:20,031
Instead of firing them,
181
00:07:20,050 --> 00:07:23,535
I am going to kiss
their asses like crazy.
182
00:07:24,553 --> 00:07:26,889
Ms. Knope, this is about
consumer rights,
183
00:07:26,923 --> 00:07:29,308
and if they don't want to
drink our delicious sodas,
184
00:07:29,342 --> 00:07:32,544
we do provide healthier
options, like water zero.
185
00:07:32,562 --> 00:07:34,897
Oh, yes. Let's talk
about water zero.
186
00:07:34,931 --> 00:07:37,549
The name implies that
there are zero calories,
187
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:40,051
like most water,
but in fact,
188
00:07:40,070 --> 00:07:42,237
it has 300 calories
per serving.
189
00:07:42,272 --> 00:07:44,239
Isn't that misleading?
190
00:07:44,274 --> 00:07:45,390
The zero on the label
191
00:07:45,408 --> 00:07:46,725
refers to the amount
of water in it,
192
00:07:46,743 --> 00:07:47,860
which is zero.
193
00:07:47,894 --> 00:07:50,696
If you want
zero-calorie water,
194
00:07:50,730 --> 00:07:52,498
try diet water zero lite.
195
00:07:52,532 --> 00:07:54,065
It has only 60 calories.
196
00:07:54,084 --> 00:07:55,417
Okay, I think
we're done here.
197
00:07:55,452 --> 00:07:56,568
Thank you so much.
198
00:07:56,586 --> 00:07:59,070
Oh, councilwoman,
one more thing.
199
00:07:59,089 --> 00:08:01,256
If your tax bill passes,
200
00:08:01,291 --> 00:08:03,258
local restaurants
will hurt badly.
201
00:08:03,293 --> 00:08:05,544
We'll have to lay off
about 100 people.
202
00:08:05,578 --> 00:08:08,097
You're bluffing.
She's bluffing.
203
00:08:08,631 --> 00:08:09,765
Are you bluffing?
204
00:08:09,799 --> 00:08:11,683
The second
your tax bill passes,
205
00:08:11,718 --> 00:08:15,587
this press release
goes wide.
206
00:08:15,605 --> 00:08:17,189
See you at the meeting.
207
00:08:17,223 --> 00:08:21,560
"Leslie Knope Soda Tax
Forces Massive Layoffs."
208
00:08:21,594 --> 00:08:23,061
Oh, my God, Ann.
I need some sugar.
209
00:08:23,095 --> 00:08:24,596
No, no. No, no, no!
Stop it!
210
00:08:24,614 --> 00:08:26,264
Leslie, you stop it
right now!
211
00:08:29,028 --> 00:08:30,327
Okay, let's get started.
212
00:08:30,328 --> 00:08:31,412
I proposed this bill,
213
00:08:31,446 --> 00:08:33,130
but the issue has become
very complicated,
214
00:08:33,164 --> 00:08:35,366
so before I decide how
I am going to vote,
215
00:08:35,567 --> 00:08:37,017
I'd love to hear
from both sides.
216
00:08:37,068 --> 00:08:38,135
Who'd like to start?
Yes.
217
00:08:38,153 --> 00:08:39,803
Yeah, I work
at Colonel Plump's,
218
00:08:39,821 --> 00:08:41,321
and word around
the Slop Trough is,
219
00:08:41,356 --> 00:08:42,690
they're talking about
laying people off.
220
00:08:42,741 --> 00:08:44,692
So, maybe you could get off
your high horse
221
00:08:44,743 --> 00:08:45,776
and help me keep my job.
222
00:08:45,810 --> 00:08:46,777
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
223
00:08:46,811 --> 00:08:48,979
Well, sir, I may vote
against the tax,
224
00:08:49,013 --> 00:08:51,165
because, frankly, I don't
take job losses lightly.
225
00:08:51,199 --> 00:08:52,583
No. I want the tax.
226
00:08:52,617 --> 00:08:54,668
My husband started drinking
those giant sodas,
227
00:08:54,703 --> 00:08:56,987
and he's gained 100 pounds
in three months.
228
00:08:57,005 --> 00:08:59,006
Consequently, we haven't
had sex in ten years.
229
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,624
I-I thought you said
230
00:09:00,658 --> 00:09:01,925
he gained weight
in the last three months.
231
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,343
Well, we have lots
of other problems.
232
00:09:03,378 --> 00:09:05,462
Well, ma'am,
my original stance
233
00:09:05,496 --> 00:09:07,014
was that implementing
this tax
234
00:09:07,048 --> 00:09:08,465
would be good
for public health.
235
00:09:08,499 --> 00:09:11,018
All taxation is theft!
236
00:09:11,052 --> 00:09:12,469
If the government
can tax me,
237
00:09:12,503 --> 00:09:14,337
I-I can--I can do this.
238
00:09:14,355 --> 00:09:16,356
Grover, give that woman
her purse back.
239
00:09:17,141 --> 00:09:19,175
There's a lot of
pill bottles in here.
240
00:09:19,193 --> 00:09:20,310
Okay.
241
00:09:20,344 --> 00:09:23,346
Been making some modifications
to the pace car.
242
00:09:23,364 --> 00:09:27,451
Speaker system, Mad Men bar,
iPad dock, and bam!
243
00:09:27,485 --> 00:09:28,819
Orange racing stripe.
244
00:09:28,853 --> 00:09:30,954
It's a perfect recreation
of Han lue's Nissan
245
00:09:30,989 --> 00:09:33,207
in The Fast And The Furious:
Tokyo Drift.
246
00:09:33,241 --> 00:09:36,627
Weirdly, so far,
no one has noticed.
247
00:09:36,661 --> 00:09:39,997
I want to find something
that really motivates you.
248
00:09:40,031 --> 00:09:42,299
Why do you want to achieve
this goal?
249
00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:44,201
I just want to get
a good job for me and April.
250
00:09:44,219 --> 00:09:46,754
- Yes! Keep going. Dig.
- Okay, yeah.
251
00:09:46,805 --> 00:09:50,307
Uh, I love April.
I think she's awesome.
252
00:09:50,341 --> 00:09:52,059
She's all I care about
in the whole world.
253
00:09:52,093 --> 00:09:54,428
Yes. Love and family.
254
00:09:54,479 --> 00:09:55,846
What else is there,
really?
255
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:57,564
Nothing at all.
256
00:09:57,599 --> 00:09:59,549
I exercise because,
when I was a baby,
257
00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:00,851
I had
a rare blood disorder,
258
00:10:00,885 --> 00:10:02,402
and I suppose
I need to feel
259
00:10:02,437 --> 00:10:03,903
like my body's
in tip-top shape...
260
00:10:03,938 --> 00:10:05,189
Ah.
261
00:10:05,223 --> 00:10:08,859
So it doesn't destroy me,
leaving me to die alone.
262
00:10:08,893 --> 00:10:11,278
Great. You got yours,
I got mine.
263
00:10:11,329 --> 00:10:14,581
I'm gonna go run
till I puke. Let's go.
264
00:10:14,616 --> 00:10:16,733
Guess what's in these boxes,
everybody?
265
00:10:16,751 --> 00:10:20,954
What? Pizza.
That's right.
266
00:10:21,005 --> 00:10:23,507
Everybody chill out.
Take a pizza break on me.
267
00:10:23,541 --> 00:10:27,911
Ellis, what's up, my male?
You grab a slice of 'za, brah.
268
00:10:27,929 --> 00:10:29,429
All right.
269
00:10:29,464 --> 00:10:31,515
Hey, dude,
do you play Ultimate?
270
00:10:31,549 --> 00:10:32,850
Yeah, I play intramural
at Georgetown.
271
00:10:32,884 --> 00:10:35,719
Dude, so did I,
in college.
272
00:10:35,753 --> 00:10:37,387
Whoa, you guys
should get married.
273
00:10:37,421 --> 00:10:39,756
We should play tomorrow
morning in the park.
274
00:10:39,774 --> 00:10:43,426
- What about the website?
- Whatever.
275
00:10:43,444 --> 00:10:45,062
You can put those pics up
anytime.
276
00:10:45,096 --> 00:10:46,947
We should lock down
some tight disc grabs,
277
00:10:46,981 --> 00:10:47,948
am I right, ell-bones?
278
00:10:47,982 --> 00:10:49,766
- Yeah, it sounds good.
- Yeah?
279
00:10:49,784 --> 00:10:51,318
It's better than working.
280
00:10:51,369 --> 00:10:52,703
No doubt, no doubt.
281
00:10:52,737 --> 00:10:54,371
All right, listen up,
pizza lovers.
282
00:10:54,405 --> 00:10:59,459
Tomorrow morning, pre-work
Ultimate in the park.
283
00:10:59,494 --> 00:11:01,411
Everybody's invited.
What do you say?
284
00:11:01,445 --> 00:11:03,780
Let's do it to it,
my dudes.
285
00:11:05,466 --> 00:11:07,084
Okay, anyone else?
286
00:11:07,118 --> 00:11:08,969
Yeah, if we put
a tax on soda,
287
00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:10,637
I mean, what's next,
income?
288
00:11:10,672 --> 00:11:12,472
Sir, you don't pay
your income tax?
289
00:11:12,507 --> 00:11:14,091
Whether or not
I pay income tax
290
00:11:14,125 --> 00:11:15,642
is none of
the government's business.
291
00:11:15,677 --> 00:11:18,312
Oh, well, no,
actually, it is.
292
00:11:18,346 --> 00:11:19,980
Well, you don't know my name
or what I look like,
293
00:11:20,014 --> 00:11:21,431
so good luck finding me.
294
00:11:21,465 --> 00:11:24,467
I think we should tax
all bad things,
295
00:11:24,485 --> 00:11:28,739
like racism
and women's vaginae.
296
00:11:28,773 --> 00:11:30,490
We're not taxing
anyone's genitals.
297
00:11:30,525 --> 00:11:32,475
Then what the hell
are we doing here?
298
00:11:32,493 --> 00:11:34,494
Come on, boys.
299
00:11:36,197 --> 00:11:38,916
Okay, um, let's take
a quick straw poll.
300
00:11:38,950 --> 00:11:42,169
Hold up green if you agree
and red if you disagree. Ann?
301
00:11:42,203 --> 00:11:45,839
"The soda tax is good and will
help people get healthier."
302
00:11:45,874 --> 00:11:47,591
- So, about half?
- Half.
303
00:11:47,625 --> 00:11:51,524
Okay, "the soda tax is bad
and unfair to consumers."
304
00:11:51,525 --> 00:11:52,796
Half and half.
305
00:11:52,797 --> 00:11:54,431
Thank you very much.
This is very confusing.
306
00:11:54,465 --> 00:11:55,465
I've got an idea.
307
00:11:55,499 --> 00:11:57,100
Maybe instead of me
losing my job,
308
00:11:57,135 --> 00:11:58,635
you ought to lose your job.
309
00:11:58,669 --> 00:12:00,503
Let's recall Leslie Knope.
310
00:12:05,026 --> 00:12:08,511
Let's do this!
311
00:12:08,529 --> 00:12:09,679
Nice catch!
312
00:12:09,697 --> 00:12:12,182
Someone please tell me
we kodaked that moment.
313
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,368
Yeah,
rocked that scoober!
314
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:18,655
Whoa! You got it, Howie!
315
00:12:18,689 --> 00:12:20,123
All right, April,
what's the score?
316
00:12:20,158 --> 00:12:22,159
1,000 to 7.
317
00:12:22,193 --> 00:12:24,461
Good sportsmanship, bro.
318
00:12:24,495 --> 00:12:25,829
Sorry.
319
00:12:25,863 --> 00:12:27,414
- Andy, repeat after me.
- Okay.
320
00:12:27,465 --> 00:12:29,132
- "I run for April."
- I run for April.
321
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:31,201
Run for your wife, son!
322
00:12:31,219 --> 00:12:33,036
- "I run for love."
- I run for love.
323
00:12:33,054 --> 00:12:34,471
Playaz, at your marks.
324
00:12:34,505 --> 00:12:35,722
What do you run for again,
Chris?
325
00:12:35,757 --> 00:12:38,875
Nobody. Nothing.
Does it really even matter?
326
00:12:38,893 --> 00:12:42,229
Get set.
Get at me!
327
00:12:43,514 --> 00:12:44,547
Whoa!
328
00:12:44,565 --> 00:12:45,899
Oh, hey, you okay?
329
00:12:45,934 --> 00:12:48,218
No. There's something
wrong with my body.
330
00:12:48,236 --> 00:12:50,821
- What?
- My legs aren't working.
331
00:12:50,855 --> 00:12:52,389
I'm broken.
332
00:12:52,407 --> 00:12:54,891
I need to go to the hospital
and see a doctor right away.
333
00:12:54,909 --> 00:12:56,026
Hey.
334
00:12:56,060 --> 00:12:58,245
- Yikes. You look weird.
- So do you.
335
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,563
That's a lie.
You always look beautiful.
336
00:13:00,581 --> 00:13:02,282
Okay, well, I couldn't sleep
a wink last night,
337
00:13:02,333 --> 00:13:03,400
so at 5:00 in the morning,
338
00:13:03,418 --> 00:13:05,035
I went to Paunch Burger
for a pick-me-up.
339
00:13:05,069 --> 00:13:06,753
I couldn't decide
what kind of soda I wanted,
340
00:13:06,788 --> 00:13:08,238
so I had them put all six
in one cup.
341
00:13:08,256 --> 00:13:09,239
You know what it tastes like?
342
00:13:09,257 --> 00:13:10,740
- Disgusting?
- Mm-hmm.
343
00:13:10,758 --> 00:13:12,509
- How are you gonna vote?
- I don't know.
344
00:13:12,543 --> 00:13:14,628
If I vote for the tax,
then I might lose my job,
345
00:13:14,679 --> 00:13:15,679
and if I vote against it,
346
00:13:15,713 --> 00:13:17,247
I might be betraying
my own bill.
347
00:13:17,265 --> 00:13:20,300
It's like I'm floating in
this giant river of ambiguity.
348
00:13:20,351 --> 00:13:22,853
I'm under a warm waterfall
of uncertainty.
349
00:13:22,887 --> 00:13:24,271
Do you just have to pee
real bad?
350
00:13:24,305 --> 00:13:25,856
- Yes.
- Yeah.
351
00:13:25,890 --> 00:13:27,774
I've lost
all of my instincts.
352
00:13:27,809 --> 00:13:29,860
I'm lost. I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
353
00:13:29,894 --> 00:13:31,778
I'm just gonna have to wait,
and when they call my name,
354
00:13:31,813 --> 00:13:34,281
I'll do what my gut
tells me to do.
355
00:13:35,616 --> 00:13:37,901
- Councilman Howser?
- Aye.
356
00:13:37,935 --> 00:13:39,602
Councilman Howser
votes aye.
357
00:13:39,620 --> 00:13:42,706
Councilwoman Knope,
how do you vote?
358
00:13:44,909 --> 00:13:46,376
Oh, no.
359
00:13:51,916 --> 00:13:53,300
Uhh!
360
00:13:55,470 --> 00:13:58,422
Gentlemen, it appears
that I have fallen ill.
361
00:13:58,456 --> 00:14:02,092
Mayhaps, might I suggest
that we have a re--aah!
362
00:14:03,811 --> 00:14:05,012
Can we take a recess?
363
00:14:07,402 --> 00:14:08,701
Well. your pulse is super-fast,
364
00:14:08,702 --> 00:14:10,869
but that wouldn't be out of
line for someone who drank
365
00:14:10,904 --> 00:14:13,238
and then barfed up
a gallon of sugar water.
366
00:14:13,272 --> 00:14:14,706
Wow, I'm a mess.
367
00:14:14,741 --> 00:14:16,492
Everything's upside-down,
you know?
368
00:14:16,543 --> 00:14:18,276
I mean, when I used to
just work here,
369
00:14:18,294 --> 00:14:19,828
I was always
so sure of myself.
370
00:14:19,879 --> 00:14:21,446
Now everything is different.
371
00:14:21,464 --> 00:14:24,583
Jeez. Do you guys know
how to dissolve super glue?
372
00:14:25,117 --> 00:14:26,718
Well, not everything's
different, right?
373
00:14:30,089 --> 00:14:31,140
Right.
374
00:14:31,424 --> 00:14:33,258
Hey, Ellis.
375
00:14:33,293 --> 00:14:40,215
Ell-bow. Ell-chupacabra.
Drinkin' coffee.
376
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:44,169
- What?
- Oh, it's--it's a--
377
00:14:44,203 --> 00:14:46,438
it's from 40 years ago.
Never mind.
378
00:14:46,472 --> 00:14:49,758
Hey, that was really fun
this morning, huh?
379
00:14:49,792 --> 00:14:50,759
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
380
00:14:50,793 --> 00:14:51,860
Yeah, totally.
381
00:14:51,945 --> 00:14:55,781
- Uh...
- Oh, wow, look at that.
382
00:14:55,815 --> 00:14:58,750
Did you draw that?
383
00:14:58,785 --> 00:15:00,669
- Uh, no, I didn't.
- No, no, no, no, no.
384
00:15:00,703 --> 00:15:02,120
It's really good.
385
00:15:02,154 --> 00:15:05,657
I mean, you're a--
you're a great artist.
386
00:15:05,675 --> 00:15:06,925
Oh, I can't do this.
387
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:10,429
Look, I don't care
who you're related to.
388
00:15:10,463 --> 00:15:12,998
I'm your boss, and you can't
keep disrespecting me like this.
389
00:15:13,016 --> 00:15:17,502
Hey, man, I didn't draw it.
Your daughter did.
390
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,472
- What?
- Her.
391
00:15:20,506 --> 00:15:22,841
April's not my daughter.
She's my friend.
392
00:15:22,859 --> 00:15:25,944
Does everyone think
she's my daughter? Whatever.
393
00:15:25,979 --> 00:15:29,448
The point is, she would
never do that to me.
394
00:15:30,282 --> 00:15:31,450
Sorry, Dad.
395
00:15:37,207 --> 00:15:40,492
Ron, my rock,
my steady, guiding light.
396
00:15:40,526 --> 00:15:42,294
O Captain, my Captain.
397
00:15:42,328 --> 00:15:44,663
Did you get that soda refill
I asked for?
398
00:15:44,697 --> 00:15:46,081
I need you, Ron, okay?
I'm in big trouble.
399
00:15:46,132 --> 00:15:47,866
I need to go back to
those chambers in 20 minutes,
400
00:15:47,884 --> 00:15:49,084
and I have to cast a vote,
401
00:15:49,135 --> 00:15:50,302
and I don't know what
I'm gonna do.
402
00:15:50,336 --> 00:15:51,503
I'm sure
you'll figure it out.
403
00:15:51,537 --> 00:15:53,255
Ron, the people
at the public forum
404
00:15:53,306 --> 00:15:54,556
said they might
want to fire me.
405
00:15:54,591 --> 00:15:56,174
So what?
I've tried to fire you.
406
00:15:58,177 --> 00:15:59,811
Okay, Ron, come on.
Be serious.
407
00:15:59,846 --> 00:16:02,514
I was not joking.
408
00:16:02,548 --> 00:16:05,400
Here is your personnel file.
See for yourself.
409
00:16:06,769 --> 00:16:09,554
"Brilliant work."
"Commendation."
410
00:16:09,572 --> 00:16:11,073
"Above and beyond."
411
00:16:11,107 --> 00:16:12,074
Keep reading.
412
00:16:13,608 --> 00:16:15,744
"Request
for termination"?
413
00:16:16,278 --> 00:16:17,896
You tried to fire me once?
414
00:16:17,914 --> 00:16:20,565
No, no, no, no.
I tried to fire you four times.
415
00:16:20,583 --> 00:16:26,338
What--you--me--fou--
four--fired--times?
416
00:16:26,372 --> 00:16:29,007
If you need to boot again,
the trash can's on your right.
417
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,428
Hey, man, what'd the doc say?
Everything okay?
418
00:16:33,463 --> 00:16:35,514
The tests and blood work
came back,
419
00:16:35,548 --> 00:16:37,766
and the news is terrible.
420
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,029
They found
421
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,019
nothing.
422
00:16:41,554 --> 00:16:42,437
Nothing?
423
00:16:42,472 --> 00:16:45,757
- Nothing. The silent killer.
- Oh, my God.
424
00:16:45,775 --> 00:16:47,025
Chris, that means
everything's okay.
425
00:16:47,060 --> 00:16:48,927
Why weren't you
at practice this morning?
426
00:16:48,945 --> 00:16:50,112
Yeah, you should have
been there.
427
00:16:50,146 --> 00:16:51,429
I finally hit
my minimum requirement.
428
00:16:51,447 --> 00:16:53,932
Minimum champion!
429
00:16:53,950 --> 00:16:55,450
I'm going to die one day,
probably,
430
00:16:55,485 --> 00:16:57,736
without ever having
left my mark
431
00:16:57,770 --> 00:16:59,604
on this silly,
little planet.
432
00:16:59,622 --> 00:17:05,327
I'm gonna die an anonymous,
meaningless speck of dust.
433
00:17:05,378 --> 00:17:06,578
Wow.
434
00:17:06,612 --> 00:17:07,579
It sounds like you're
really going through
435
00:17:07,613 --> 00:17:08,914
some tough stuff
right now.
436
00:17:08,948 --> 00:17:12,584
It's too bad there's not
doctors for your mind.
437
00:17:12,618 --> 00:17:13,969
All right, well, hey,
438
00:17:14,003 --> 00:17:15,137
I'm gonna go run
some more laps.
439
00:17:15,171 --> 00:17:17,005
Will you time me?
Go.
440
00:17:17,056 --> 00:17:18,307
He's kind of right,
Chris.
441
00:17:18,341 --> 00:17:19,424
You were freaking out
442
00:17:19,458 --> 00:17:21,226
because you were
thinking about Andy
443
00:17:21,260 --> 00:17:23,128
and his family
and how you don't have one.
444
00:17:23,146 --> 00:17:25,013
Every time something tiny
goes wrong,
445
00:17:25,064 --> 00:17:27,316
you spiral like crazy.
446
00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:30,818
Maybe you should see
a therapist.
447
00:17:30,836 --> 00:17:32,570
I hope I'm not out of line.
448
00:17:34,105 --> 00:17:36,624
Au contraire, mon frere.
449
00:17:36,658 --> 00:17:40,495
You are as "in line"
as a person can be.
450
00:17:40,513 --> 00:17:44,349
You are a genius
and an amazing motivator.
451
00:17:44,383 --> 00:17:47,502
What was my time?
452
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,271
- I don't know. 43.
- Yes! New record.
453
00:17:50,306 --> 00:17:55,727
All my life, I have tried
to achieve external goals.
454
00:17:55,778 --> 00:17:59,364
Run a four-minute mile,
climb Mount Everest.
455
00:17:59,398 --> 00:18:01,516
But before I can do that,
456
00:18:01,534 --> 00:18:05,620
I need to climb
the Mount Everest
457
00:18:05,654 --> 00:18:07,355
of my mind.
458
00:18:07,423 --> 00:18:09,841
I don't understand. Why did
you try to get me fired?
459
00:18:09,876 --> 00:18:13,028
The first year you worked
here, you drove me nuts.
460
00:18:13,062 --> 00:18:15,246
I would say no to something
you wanted to do,
461
00:18:15,265 --> 00:18:16,515
and you'd ignore me
462
00:18:16,549 --> 00:18:18,100
or go over my head
and do it anyway.
463
00:18:18,134 --> 00:18:20,185
You were insubordinate,
stubborn,
464
00:18:20,219 --> 00:18:22,437
a pain in my ass,
and, worst of all, bubbly.
465
00:18:22,472 --> 00:18:24,439
I was a dedicated
public servant.
466
00:18:24,474 --> 00:18:26,775
Right. That was
the worst thing you were.
467
00:18:26,809 --> 00:18:28,360
The point is, I ended up
468
00:18:28,394 --> 00:18:30,946
withdrawing all four requests
to have you fired,
469
00:18:30,980 --> 00:18:32,197
because, ultimately,
470
00:18:32,231 --> 00:18:34,816
I'd rather work with
a person of conviction
471
00:18:34,867 --> 00:18:36,952
than a wishy-washy kiss-ass.
472
00:18:36,986 --> 00:18:39,538
Well, I had conviction because
I knew what I believed in,
473
00:18:39,572 --> 00:18:41,073
but I know
with this new job.
474
00:18:41,107 --> 00:18:43,742
I-I just feel like
I've lost my bearings.
475
00:18:43,776 --> 00:18:45,210
No, you haven't.
476
00:18:45,244 --> 00:18:47,379
You may have wandered
into unknown terrain,
477
00:18:47,413 --> 00:18:49,798
but you're still you.
478
00:18:49,832 --> 00:18:51,416
You know what?
479
00:18:51,450 --> 00:18:52,951
Are you gonna pull out
480
00:18:52,969 --> 00:18:55,253
some embarrassing photo of me
from high school?
481
00:18:55,287 --> 00:18:58,724
Take this compass.
All great adventurers need one.
482
00:19:00,708 --> 00:19:01,926
Thank you, Ron.
483
00:19:01,961 --> 00:19:05,013
And, listen, as far as
this firing stuff goes,
484
00:19:05,047 --> 00:19:08,082
I won't forget and I will
never forgive you.
485
00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:10,385
There she is.
486
00:19:10,419 --> 00:19:12,854
Here's that report
you wanted, boss.
487
00:19:12,888 --> 00:19:16,107
It's funny because it has
30 different fonts on it,
488
00:19:16,142 --> 00:19:17,475
and you only like one.
489
00:19:17,526 --> 00:19:20,761
Do you like it?
Yeah, it's hilarious.
490
00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:23,231
Okay, I'm sorry I drew
those pictures of you.
491
00:19:23,265 --> 00:19:24,566
I was just messing around.
492
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,534
Look, you may not
take this seriously,
493
00:19:26,569 --> 00:19:28,787
but this job
is important to me.
494
00:19:28,871 --> 00:19:30,922
And by the way,
you should take it seriously,
495
00:19:30,957 --> 00:19:32,824
because I asked you
to come work here
496
00:19:32,842 --> 00:19:33,925
because I thought
you'd enjoy it
497
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,326
and I think you're smart,
498
00:19:35,345 --> 00:19:38,630
but you have to have some
semblance of professionalism,
499
00:19:38,664 --> 00:19:42,100
and I need you to give, like,
even a 15% effort.
500
00:19:43,085 --> 00:19:44,752
- 12%.
- 15.
501
00:19:44,786 --> 00:19:46,754
For God's sake, I'm asking
for 15% effort.
502
00:19:46,788 --> 00:19:48,807
It's not supposed to be
a negotiation.
503
00:19:48,841 --> 00:19:53,127
Fine. I'm sorry. 15.
504
00:19:54,364 --> 00:19:58,183
City councilwoman Knope,
how do you vote?
505
00:20:00,153 --> 00:20:03,455
Aye.
Strongly in favor.
506
00:20:03,489 --> 00:20:06,324
The soda tax measure passes,
3-2.
507
00:20:07,577 --> 00:20:08,877
Yes, I'm very pleased
with my vote
508
00:20:08,911 --> 00:20:10,796
because I voted
my conscience.
509
00:20:10,830 --> 00:20:12,964
And by the way,
she's totally bluffing
510
00:20:12,999 --> 00:20:14,750
about laying people off,
you watch.
511
00:20:14,801 --> 00:20:17,552
Anyway, I may have made
some enemies today,
512
00:20:17,587 --> 00:20:18,637
but that is
part of the job.
513
00:20:18,671 --> 00:20:20,321
And who knows,
maybe in the future,
514
00:20:20,422 --> 00:20:22,707
my enemies will become
my friends.
515
00:20:22,758 --> 00:20:24,492
Stranger things
have happened.
516
00:20:24,510 --> 00:20:27,762
Let's keep it down
out there.
517
00:20:32,330 --> 00:20:34,797
Yeah, I love cupcakes.
518
00:20:35,332 --> 00:20:37,883
Ellis hates you,
and he has herpes.
519
00:20:37,917 --> 00:20:40,803
- Hey, what's your problem?
- My problem is you, Smellis.
520
00:20:40,804 --> 00:20:42,388
Ben told you
to finish the website,
521
00:20:42,422 --> 00:20:44,006
and if you don't do it,
I swear to God,
522
00:20:44,057 --> 00:20:45,891
I'm gonna murder you
in your sleep.
523
00:20:45,925 --> 00:20:47,309
I know where you live.
14th street, right?
524
00:20:47,344 --> 00:20:48,811
I'm gonna get a melon baller
525
00:20:48,845 --> 00:20:50,729
and scoop your eyes out
and eat them,
526
00:20:50,764 --> 00:20:53,515
and your congressman uncle
is gonna have to buy you a dog
527
00:20:53,566 --> 00:20:55,818
to drag your eyeless face
around.
528
00:20:56,352 --> 00:20:57,769
Do you understand me?
529
00:20:57,803 --> 00:21:00,639
Yes.
530
00:21:01,708 --> 00:21:03,108
Do it.
531
00:21:06,438 --> 00:21:11,438
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com