1
00:00:01,791 --> 00:00:03,183
Mr. Haverford, on the morning of your crash
2
00:00:03,303 --> 00:00:05,111
- were you alone in your car?
- Yes.
3
00:00:05,231 --> 00:00:06,417
Your Honor, this was an accident.
4
00:00:06,537 --> 00:00:09,277
Plain and simple. I don't want to put
words in your mouth but...
5
00:00:09,530 --> 00:00:10,363
case dismissed.
6
00:00:10,483 --> 00:00:11,905
And you were texting at the time, correct?
7
00:00:12,025 --> 00:00:13,302
How dare you, sir?
8
00:00:13,422 --> 00:00:14,298
I was tweeting.
9
00:00:14,418 --> 00:00:15,571
Please, read Exhibit C,
10
00:00:15,691 --> 00:00:18,945
the transcript of your Twitter page
leading to the immediatelly following crash.
11
00:00:19,065 --> 00:00:22,487
"9:15. Four green lights in a row. #blessed"
12
00:00:22,607 --> 00:00:27,682
"9:17. Drive faster, blue Civic.
Daaaaaamn. #soccermoms"
13
00:00:27,802 --> 00:00:31,262
"9:18. Gotta pass this lady
on the 'ejkerkj'."
14
00:00:31,296 --> 00:00:32,880
That's when I hit the fire hydrant.
15
00:00:32,931 --> 00:00:36,050
Sorry, allegedly hit the fire hydrant.
16
00:00:36,101 --> 00:00:38,836
"9:20. Just hit a fire hydrant,
but I survived.
17
00:00:38,854 --> 00:00:40,638
"#unbreakable.
18
00:00:40,672 --> 00:00:42,850
"#what'sMr.Glassuptothesedays?
19
00:00:42,970 --> 00:00:44,842
♪whynosequel?"
20
00:00:44,860 --> 00:00:47,278
Prosecution rests, Your Honor.
21
00:00:47,312 --> 00:00:49,030
Mr. Haverford,
you have a problem
22
00:00:49,064 --> 00:00:50,398
keeping your eyes on the road
23
00:00:50,449 --> 00:00:52,023
and off your electronic devices.
24
00:00:52,143 --> 00:00:55,036
I'm going to tailor
a punishment to fit the crime.
25
00:00:55,070 --> 00:00:56,988
One week without screens.
26
00:00:57,022 --> 00:01:00,222
No phone, tablets,
computers, television--anything.
27
00:01:00,342 --> 00:01:01,837
No! Please,
send me to jail!
28
00:01:01,957 --> 00:01:04,629
Any slipups,
and that week becomes a month.
29
00:01:04,663 --> 00:01:05,830
Turn in your phone, please.
30
00:01:05,864 --> 00:01:07,215
Fine. One last tweet?
31
00:01:07,249 --> 00:01:09,217
Bailiff!
32
00:01:09,251 --> 00:01:11,702
Pr-press send, bailiff!
Press send!
33
00:01:14,723 --> 00:01:24,132
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
34
00:01:31,907 --> 00:01:33,074
Howdy.
35
00:01:33,108 --> 00:01:34,942
Hey!
What's with the get-up?
36
00:01:34,993 --> 00:01:36,744
I just got back from
that Dude Ranch with Ricky.
37
00:01:36,779 --> 00:01:38,780
It was really fun.
He bought this for me as a gift.
38
00:01:38,831 --> 00:01:41,199
A cowboy hat from your cowboyfriend.
39
00:01:41,233 --> 00:01:42,533
Oh, that makes it sound
like he's a cow.
40
00:01:42,567 --> 00:01:45,203
From your cowboy boyfriend.
Your boycow-cowboy.
41
00:01:45,237 --> 00:01:47,004
- Just call him "Ricky."
- Okay, great.
42
00:01:47,039 --> 00:01:49,207
Okay, everyone.
43
00:01:49,241 --> 00:01:51,926
Great news: Lots of old people
have chlamydia.
44
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,244
Whoo!
45
00:01:53,262 --> 00:01:55,463
Seniors in Pawnee have
a lot of time on their hands,
46
00:01:55,514 --> 00:01:57,014
and what they're doing with that time
47
00:01:57,049 --> 00:01:59,383
is going at it hard,
old people-style.
48
00:01:59,417 --> 00:02:01,602
A lot of them haven't
had proper sex education,
49
00:02:01,637 --> 00:02:04,522
and as a result,
STDs are having a field day.
50
00:02:04,556 --> 00:02:07,225
It's amazing
what a few old guys can do
51
00:02:07,259 --> 00:02:09,760
with a little bit of charm
and a lot of crabs.
52
00:02:09,778 --> 00:02:11,312
Okay, sex avengers,
53
00:02:11,363 --> 00:02:13,564
these old fogies
are very set in their ways.
54
00:02:13,598 --> 00:02:15,450
They're hopped up
on E.D. medication
55
00:02:15,484 --> 00:02:17,118
and they got nothing to lose,
56
00:02:17,152 --> 00:02:18,236
'cause they're close to death.
57
00:02:18,270 --> 00:02:20,571
Also, seniors can be pretty ornery.
58
00:02:20,605 --> 00:02:23,241
Uh, actually, I think
it's pronounced "horny."
59
00:02:23,275 --> 00:02:25,943
I have an idea. Let's pretend
that we're old people,
60
00:02:25,961 --> 00:02:28,412
and we can ask Ann our grossest,
61
00:02:28,446 --> 00:02:30,248
most perverted sex questions.
62
00:02:30,282 --> 00:02:31,916
I'll start.
I'm an old lady,
63
00:02:31,950 --> 00:02:33,918
why do I need birth control?
64
00:02:33,952 --> 00:02:37,054
I haven't had my monthly
since LBJ was president.
65
00:02:37,089 --> 00:02:38,055
Well, with the elderly,
66
00:02:38,090 --> 00:02:40,091
we are not so concerned
with pregnancy.
67
00:02:40,125 --> 00:02:41,893
We're more concerned with disease.
68
00:02:41,927 --> 00:02:44,295
Do pubic hairs get longer
the older you get?
69
00:02:44,313 --> 00:02:45,329
I don't think so, no.
70
00:02:45,364 --> 00:02:47,148
Because that's happening to me.
71
00:02:47,182 --> 00:02:48,766
What should I do?
72
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,268
Where can I get lube
that is healthy to eat?
73
00:02:50,302 --> 00:02:53,437
I ran over my testicles
with my jazzy scooter.
74
00:02:53,471 --> 00:02:54,522
I think you're good to go, nursey.
75
00:02:54,573 --> 00:02:56,524
I want to jump on that caboose.
Choo choo!
76
00:02:56,575 --> 00:02:58,526
You should never eat lube,
77
00:02:58,577 --> 00:02:59,861
you need to see a doctor immediately,
78
00:02:59,912 --> 00:03:02,113
and I'm sorry, sir,
but you have to be under 40
79
00:03:02,147 --> 00:03:03,480
to ride this train.
80
00:03:03,499 --> 00:03:05,416
Oh!
That's how you do it, kids.
81
00:03:05,450 --> 00:03:06,784
Nice.
82
00:03:06,818 --> 00:03:09,587
"LeRon James."
We still on for breakfast?
83
00:03:09,621 --> 00:03:11,672
You are an hour and a half
late for work.
84
00:03:11,707 --> 00:03:13,925
Yeah. Sorry.
I can't use my GPS,
85
00:03:13,959 --> 00:03:15,343
but I figured it out.
86
00:03:15,377 --> 00:03:17,995
I just drove around in circles
until I saw something familiar.
87
00:03:18,013 --> 00:03:19,630
You live 3 miles from here.
88
00:03:19,664 --> 00:03:22,016
3.4,
according to my GPS,
89
00:03:22,050 --> 00:03:23,217
which I used to use every day.
90
00:03:23,268 --> 00:03:24,769
I can't use screens for a week.
91
00:03:24,803 --> 00:03:26,771
Big deal!
I'm adapting.
92
00:03:26,805 --> 00:03:29,807
I built a real-life
Pinterest board.
93
00:03:33,145 --> 00:03:35,279
I really wish you could click those.
94
00:03:35,314 --> 00:03:37,815
Wow, there he is, Barack Obama.
95
00:03:37,849 --> 00:03:38,950
His name is congressman David Murray,
96
00:03:38,984 --> 00:03:41,903
he is our boss and he is white.
97
00:03:41,954 --> 00:03:43,120
Don't embarrass me.
98
00:03:43,155 --> 00:03:44,688
Congressman Murray, I'm Ben Wyatt,
99
00:03:44,706 --> 00:03:46,523
coordinating director
of D.C. Operations.
100
00:03:46,542 --> 00:03:48,626
And I am April Blart, mall cop.
101
00:03:48,660 --> 00:03:50,995
Great! It's a pleasure
to finally meet you, Ben.
102
00:03:51,029 --> 00:03:52,696
Heard such great things.
103
00:03:52,714 --> 00:03:54,198
Oh, well, I really feel
like I know you already.
104
00:03:54,216 --> 00:03:56,334
I've watched all
of your speeches and debates.
105
00:03:56,368 --> 00:03:57,668
It's very inspiring.
106
00:03:57,702 --> 00:03:58,920
Thank you, Ben.
107
00:03:58,971 --> 00:04:01,222
And thank you all for your hard work.
108
00:04:01,256 --> 00:04:04,091
Now, stay cool.
It's a hot one out there today.
109
00:04:04,142 --> 00:04:05,393
That's right,
110
00:04:05,427 --> 00:04:07,144
you could practically
cook an egg on the sidewalk.
111
00:04:07,179 --> 00:04:10,097
Terrific.
112
00:04:11,316 --> 00:04:12,883
Okay, let's make sure we're ready
113
00:04:12,901 --> 00:04:14,151
for the strategy session tomorrow.
114
00:04:14,186 --> 00:04:15,486
- Okay.
- Okay?
115
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,905
Hey, we're still
gonna assassinate him, right?
116
00:04:17,940 --> 00:04:20,524
- Don't say that.
- Ben!
117
00:04:24,830 --> 00:04:28,565
What the hell is he doing?
118
00:04:28,584 --> 00:04:31,402
Hello, can everyone hear me okay?
119
00:04:31,420 --> 00:04:32,787
No.
120
00:04:32,838 --> 00:04:34,589
Okay, great.
I'm councilwoman Leslie Knope,
121
00:04:34,623 --> 00:04:37,041
and today we are here
to talk about safe sex.
122
00:04:37,075 --> 00:04:39,076
I know this is a personal question,
123
00:04:39,094 --> 00:04:41,846
but how many of you out there
are sexually active?
124
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:43,014
Oh, my.
125
00:04:43,048 --> 00:04:45,749
I have two partners,
often at the same time.
126
00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:47,218
Wow. Thank you.
127
00:04:47,252 --> 00:04:49,270
Does anyone know what we risk
128
00:04:49,304 --> 00:04:51,355
when we have unprotected sex?
129
00:04:51,390 --> 00:04:52,940
- Heart attack.
- Falling in love.
130
00:04:52,975 --> 00:04:54,591
Partner dies on top of you!
131
00:04:54,610 --> 00:04:56,611
Yes, but the truth is,
132
00:04:56,645 --> 00:04:58,195
the greatest risk you face
133
00:04:58,230 --> 00:05:00,147
is sexually transmitted diseases.
134
00:05:00,198 --> 00:05:02,566
Are these old people really
having sex with each other?
135
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:03,951
Yeah, what'd you think
they were doing?
136
00:05:03,986 --> 00:05:05,369
I don't know, I thought we were just
137
00:05:05,404 --> 00:05:06,904
talking about it.
138
00:05:06,938 --> 00:05:11,492
Oh!
139
00:05:11,543 --> 00:05:13,961
And the best way to prevent
them is to use protection.
140
00:05:13,996 --> 00:05:15,579
Well, that's all fine and good,
141
00:05:15,613 --> 00:05:18,132
but what if the banana
is soft and mushy,
142
00:05:18,166 --> 00:05:20,284
and doglegs sharply to the left?
143
00:05:27,125 --> 00:05:29,343
Oh, my God, Jerry,
when you check your email,
144
00:05:29,394 --> 00:05:32,296
you go to Altavista and type
"Please go to yahoo.com?"
145
00:05:32,314 --> 00:05:33,397
Well, how else would I do it?
146
00:05:33,432 --> 00:05:34,899
You don't have your email bookmarked?
147
00:05:34,933 --> 00:05:36,017
Do you have any bookmarks?
148
00:05:36,068 --> 00:05:37,468
What's bookmarks?
149
00:05:37,486 --> 00:05:40,187
God, Jerry!
You don't deserve the Internet!
150
00:05:40,238 --> 00:05:41,272
I'm going crazy, Ron!
151
00:05:41,306 --> 00:05:42,857
Life without screens is pointless.
152
00:05:42,908 --> 00:05:46,160
I made an iPhone out of paper.
It's not the same, though.
153
00:05:49,364 --> 00:05:51,198
This is the work of a lunatic.
154
00:05:51,249 --> 00:05:53,200
You need to detox.
155
00:05:53,251 --> 00:05:55,652
Tomorrow, we'll go
to my cabin in the woods.
156
00:05:55,671 --> 00:05:57,488
It's so far away from civilization,
157
00:05:57,506 --> 00:05:59,173
the electric company is not even aware
158
00:05:59,207 --> 00:06:00,324
there's a structure there.
159
00:06:00,342 --> 00:06:02,093
Thanks, Ron.
160
00:06:02,127 --> 00:06:04,428
And hey, can you give me
a ride after work?
161
00:06:04,463 --> 00:06:08,049
There's no chance
I can find my way home.
162
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:10,885
If you encounter this scenario,
163
00:06:10,936 --> 00:06:13,471
simply execute the following maneuver.
164
00:06:13,505 --> 00:06:16,107
And stop!
165
00:06:16,141 --> 00:06:17,841
Great job, and very informative,
166
00:06:17,859 --> 00:06:19,510
but we need to stop now forever
167
00:06:19,528 --> 00:06:20,611
and pretend like this never happened.
168
00:06:20,645 --> 00:06:21,678
Why?
What happening?
169
00:06:24,182 --> 00:06:25,682
Oh, boy.
170
00:06:25,701 --> 00:06:27,351
Marcia and Marshall Langman
171
00:06:27,369 --> 00:06:29,236
are the town's morality watchdogs.
172
00:06:29,287 --> 00:06:32,656
Marcia is motivated,
calculating, and hyper-vigilant,
173
00:06:32,690 --> 00:06:35,743
and her husband, Marshall, is...
174
00:06:35,794 --> 00:06:37,027
vivacious.
175
00:06:37,045 --> 00:06:40,748
This, that's happening here,
is not allowed!
176
00:06:40,799 --> 00:06:44,168
We at the Society
for Family Stability Foundation
177
00:06:44,202 --> 00:06:46,837
object to this smut being taught.
178
00:06:46,871 --> 00:06:48,589
It's against Pawnee's
179
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,175
abstinence-only
sex education law.
180
00:06:51,209 --> 00:06:52,543
That's only for schools.
181
00:06:52,561 --> 00:06:54,595
Actually, it's not.
The way the bill is drafted
182
00:06:54,646 --> 00:06:56,313
prohibits any government employee
183
00:06:56,348 --> 00:06:59,517
from teaching anything
but abstinence, city-wide.
184
00:06:59,551 --> 00:07:01,152
- Thank you, Chris.
- You're welcome.
185
00:07:01,186 --> 00:07:04,021
If we allow this filth
to be taught to our seniors,
186
00:07:04,055 --> 00:07:05,823
the next you thing you know,
it'll be in our high schools,
187
00:07:05,857 --> 00:07:07,525
then our kindergartens,
and before you know it,
188
00:07:07,559 --> 00:07:09,226
we have babies in thong underwear.
189
00:07:09,244 --> 00:07:10,227
Is that what you want?
190
00:07:10,245 --> 00:07:11,662
Yes, that's what I want.
191
00:07:11,696 --> 00:07:14,331
Ladies and gentlemen,
this vulgar sex show is over.
192
00:07:14,366 --> 00:07:16,784
Please forget everything this
horrible woman has told you.
193
00:07:16,835 --> 00:07:21,238
It is not over.
It is far from over.
194
00:07:21,256 --> 00:07:24,258
Andy, pack up our bananas!
195
00:07:30,522 --> 00:07:31,544
This is a great idea.
196
00:07:31,664 --> 00:07:33,557
Fresh air, no screens.
197
00:07:33,608 --> 00:07:35,700
I'm getting really good
at chopping wood too.
198
00:07:36,371 --> 00:07:37,577
You're a regular Paul Bunyan.
199
00:07:37,697 --> 00:07:39,980
Ow!
I got stung by the wood!
200
00:07:40,014 --> 00:07:41,040
Oh, no, it's a splinter.
201
00:07:41,089 --> 00:07:42,256
I need to get on webMD now!
202
00:07:42,274 --> 00:07:44,091
I need a iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy,
203
00:07:44,109 --> 00:07:45,192
something with 4G.
204
00:07:45,227 --> 00:07:46,593
There's no time for the edge network.
205
00:07:46,612 --> 00:07:48,396
What are you doing?
Wha--? W-w-waa!
206
00:07:48,430 --> 00:07:50,615
Got it.
207
00:07:50,649 --> 00:07:52,283
I still think
we should find a computer
208
00:07:52,317 --> 00:07:54,268
and Google
"sterilization techniques."
209
00:07:54,286 --> 00:07:55,670
Yeah, I have a new idea.
210
00:07:55,704 --> 00:07:58,356
You need to purge all of this
garbage from your system.
211
00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:00,641
Talk about all the things
you do on those screens,
212
00:08:00,676 --> 00:08:03,411
and let the words just
float away into the fresh air,
213
00:08:03,445 --> 00:08:06,047
- and then we will be done.
- Okay, worth a shot.
214
00:08:06,081 --> 00:08:08,833
Every day I start by hitting up
Facebook, Twitter,
215
00:08:08,884 --> 00:08:10,167
tumblr, and Instagram.
216
00:08:10,218 --> 00:08:12,169
Sometimes I like to throw in LinkedIn,
217
00:08:12,220 --> 00:08:14,388
for the professional shorties.
218
00:08:14,423 --> 00:08:16,090
See?
That was easy.
219
00:08:16,124 --> 00:08:17,591
Then I like to go on reddit.
220
00:08:17,625 --> 00:08:18,809
Reddit's great, 'cause it has
221
00:08:18,844 --> 00:08:20,845
all the important links you need.
222
00:08:22,648 --> 00:08:24,065
- New shirt?
- Yeah.
223
00:08:24,099 --> 00:08:26,434
I got it at the Dude Ranch
with my boyfriend.
224
00:08:26,468 --> 00:08:28,819
- You like it?
- It's not my favorite shirt,
225
00:08:28,854 --> 00:08:32,356
but it is my least favorite shirt.
226
00:08:32,407 --> 00:08:33,941
Perd, we strongly believe
227
00:08:33,975 --> 00:08:37,478
in teaching and practicing abstinence.
228
00:08:37,496 --> 00:08:40,614
We all have some crazy urges
from time to time,
229
00:08:40,648 --> 00:08:41,982
but you just can't act on them.
230
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,952
You have to bury them
way down deep inside.
231
00:08:44,986 --> 00:08:47,705
You have to say, "Get out
of here, you crazy urges!
232
00:08:47,756 --> 00:08:49,457
You are not welcome
in this brain of mine!"
233
00:08:49,491 --> 00:08:51,125
There are some statistics
234
00:08:51,159 --> 00:08:52,677
that I'd like to share with you now,
235
00:08:52,711 --> 00:08:54,345
and they are numbers.
236
00:08:54,379 --> 00:08:56,430
Some 85% of Pawnee residents
237
00:08:56,465 --> 00:08:59,166
support
abstinence-only education.
238
00:08:59,184 --> 00:09:01,519
And the other 15% are perverts.
239
00:09:01,553 --> 00:09:03,170
J.K., you guys.
240
00:09:03,188 --> 00:09:06,057
And 100% of Pawneeans
are "perd-verts."
241
00:09:06,108 --> 00:09:07,341
That's the name I call
242
00:09:07,359 --> 00:09:08,476
fans of this show
243
00:09:08,510 --> 00:09:11,278
based on the fact
that my name is Perd.
244
00:09:11,313 --> 00:09:13,030
We'll see you
after the break, perd-verts.
245
00:09:14,349 --> 00:09:15,900
Look, we need an emergency
task force meeting.
246
00:09:15,951 --> 00:09:16,984
What do we do?
247
00:09:17,018 --> 00:09:18,402
Objective studies have shown
248
00:09:18,453 --> 00:09:20,705
that abstinence-only
education doesn't work.
249
00:09:20,739 --> 00:09:22,022
People still have sex.
250
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:23,290
They don't know how to use protection,
251
00:09:23,325 --> 00:09:25,126
so the disease keeps spreading.
252
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:26,994
We need to give people
practical knowledge.
253
00:09:27,028 --> 00:09:29,246
Ann Perkins,
your expertise is thrilling,
254
00:09:29,297 --> 00:09:32,083
and frankly, almost arousing,
255
00:09:32,134 --> 00:09:33,467
but the law is the law.
256
00:09:33,502 --> 00:09:35,035
Well, you're on city council now.
257
00:09:35,053 --> 00:09:37,338
- Change the law.
- The people support this.
258
00:09:37,372 --> 00:09:39,706
I couldn't fight those numbers
even if I wanted to.
259
00:09:39,725 --> 00:09:41,258
It's political suicide.
260
00:09:41,309 --> 00:09:43,144
So we're just gonna do
the thing we know doesn't work?
261
00:09:43,178 --> 00:09:45,012
- Great plan.
- There's no other option, Ann.
262
00:09:45,046 --> 00:09:46,063
Put away your sex toys
263
00:09:46,098 --> 00:09:47,181
and play with them on your own time.
264
00:09:47,215 --> 00:09:49,550
I did eat all the bananas,
265
00:09:49,568 --> 00:09:52,186
so you can't play with those.
266
00:09:53,355 --> 00:09:54,405
Oh, hey, nice work
on the jobs research.
267
00:09:54,439 --> 00:09:57,525
Shh! Look.
268
00:09:58,744 --> 00:10:00,327
What am I looking at?
He's not doing anything.
269
00:10:00,362 --> 00:10:01,412
That's the point.
270
00:10:01,446 --> 00:10:03,664
This morning he got in,
sat down in there,
271
00:10:03,698 --> 00:10:06,867
and has been staring
straight ahead, doing nothing.
272
00:10:06,901 --> 00:10:08,619
- He's a robot.
- He's not a robot.
273
00:10:08,670 --> 00:10:11,088
He's just thinking.
He's got a lot on his mind.
274
00:10:11,123 --> 00:10:13,407
Yeah, like, "One, one, zero, one.
275
00:10:13,425 --> 00:10:14,959
Must eat babies for fuel."
276
00:10:15,010 --> 00:10:16,427
Why would a robot
277
00:10:16,461 --> 00:10:18,345
need to consume organic matter?
278
00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:19,797
Sorry.
279
00:10:19,848 --> 00:10:22,249
You know what,
they probably put a TV in there,
280
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:25,719
and he's watching old speeches
to bone up or something.
281
00:10:25,753 --> 00:10:27,688
Let's go see.
282
00:10:27,722 --> 00:10:29,140
Congressman,
283
00:10:29,191 --> 00:10:32,059
here is the briefing packet
for our strategy meeting later.
284
00:10:32,093 --> 00:10:35,095
Excellent, thank you.
285
00:10:36,097 --> 00:10:37,565
Anything else I can do for you?
286
00:10:37,599 --> 00:10:40,267
No, sir.
All systems are operational.
287
00:10:40,285 --> 00:10:43,037
Great. Stay cool.
Hot one out there today.
288
00:10:44,206 --> 00:10:47,408
Thank you, congressman.
289
00:10:50,162 --> 00:10:53,547
Wikipedia:
Mankind's greatest invention.
290
00:10:53,582 --> 00:10:54,832
you can learn about anything.
291
00:10:54,883 --> 00:10:56,834
Take Ray J, for example.
292
00:10:56,885 --> 00:10:58,669
We all know he's a singer,
he's Brandy's brother,
293
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,254
and he was in that classic sex tape
294
00:11:00,288 --> 00:11:01,672
with Kim Kardashian,
295
00:11:01,723 --> 00:11:04,508
but did you also know
he's Snoop Dogg's cousin
296
00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:07,678
and he was in the '96
Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks?
297
00:11:07,729 --> 00:11:09,763
Suddenly, you're on
the Mars Attacks page.
298
00:11:09,797 --> 00:11:12,516
I love GChat.
You can talk to anybody.
299
00:11:12,567 --> 00:11:15,302
I hit up Brad.Pitt.
It wasn't the actor.
300
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:18,906
It's actually a guy named Brad
that's a teacher in Pittsburgh.
301
00:11:21,159 --> 00:11:23,244
We don't have a lot in common,
but we chat quite a bit.
302
00:11:23,278 --> 00:11:25,746
"Emoji" are little cartoons
you text instead of words.
303
00:11:25,780 --> 00:11:27,114
Instead of saying,
"What up, boo?"
304
00:11:27,148 --> 00:11:29,149
You can type "What up,"
and then a cute, little ghost,
305
00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:30,201
'cause
that means "boo."
306
00:11:30,252 --> 00:11:31,335
There's even a little Indian guy,
307
00:11:31,369 --> 00:11:33,704
but he has a turban on,
which I think is racist,
308
00:11:33,755 --> 00:11:36,123
but the Asian guy
also has a racist hat on,
309
00:11:36,157 --> 00:11:37,324
and it's like, "Hold up,
310
00:11:37,342 --> 00:11:38,492
didn't Japanese people
invent this?"
311
00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:40,461
Podcasts.
There are a million of 'em,
312
00:11:40,495 --> 00:11:42,162
and they're all amazing.
313
00:11:42,180 --> 00:11:45,182
Jean-Ralphio and I have one
called "Nacho average podcast,"
314
00:11:45,217 --> 00:11:46,667
where we rate
different kinds of nachos.
315
00:11:46,685 --> 00:11:48,602
- It seems like--
- Okay, that's enough!
316
00:11:48,637 --> 00:11:49,836
No more talking.
317
00:11:49,855 --> 00:11:51,355
But you told me
to get it all out of my system.
318
00:11:51,389 --> 00:11:53,974
I had no idea how much
you had in your system.
319
00:11:54,008 --> 00:11:55,192
This is a real problem, Tom.
320
00:11:55,227 --> 00:11:58,729
You are an addict
and you need to change.
321
00:11:58,780 --> 00:12:02,700
I've downloaded
every episode of Intervention.
322
00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:05,619
I know what to do here.
323
00:12:05,654 --> 00:12:06,871
You're right.
324
00:12:06,905 --> 00:12:08,239
I am an addict.
325
00:12:08,290 --> 00:12:11,625
I've hurt all my friends
and family with my addiction.
326
00:12:11,660 --> 00:12:14,027
I will accept this gift
of rehabilitation.
327
00:12:14,045 --> 00:12:15,296
I'm proud of you,
328
00:12:15,330 --> 00:12:17,715
but also a bit fearful
that we're verging on
329
00:12:17,749 --> 00:12:20,467
what I call "feelings territory,"
330
00:12:20,502 --> 00:12:22,670
so let's stare at the fire in silence.
331
00:12:22,704 --> 00:12:24,705
I've had a breakthrough, Ron.
332
00:12:24,723 --> 00:12:26,540
What do you say
you chop up some more wood,
333
00:12:26,558 --> 00:12:27,808
and I'll take your car
334
00:12:27,842 --> 00:12:31,312
and go grab us some victory steaks?
335
00:12:32,397 --> 00:12:33,681
Perfect.
336
00:12:33,715 --> 00:12:35,933
I'm so glad
you've come to your senses.
337
00:12:35,984 --> 00:12:37,851
Here's our educational pamphlet.
338
00:12:37,885 --> 00:12:39,987
I recommend you start reading
at chapter three.
339
00:12:40,021 --> 00:12:41,355
"Chapter three.
340
00:12:41,389 --> 00:12:43,190
There's a party in your pants
and no one is invited."
341
00:12:43,224 --> 00:12:45,192
This is crazy.
I mean, obviously,
342
00:12:45,226 --> 00:12:48,078
the best way to prevent disease
is to magically stop all sex,
343
00:12:48,113 --> 00:12:49,530
but that's not gonna happen.
344
00:12:49,564 --> 00:12:52,232
Well, maybe not where you
come from in "Tramp-sylvania."
345
00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:54,668
Good one, honey!
346
00:12:54,703 --> 00:12:57,454
I'm from Michigan!
347
00:12:57,505 --> 00:12:59,123
That wasn't worth saying.
348
00:12:59,174 --> 00:13:00,758
Why are you doing this?
You're gonna get up there
349
00:13:00,792 --> 00:13:02,209
and say a bunch of stuff
you don't believe?
350
00:13:02,243 --> 00:13:03,377
Well, it's the law.
351
00:13:03,411 --> 00:13:05,095
I get that.
I just--
352
00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:06,714
You're not acting like yourself.
353
00:13:06,748 --> 00:13:09,550
Really?
You want to go there?
354
00:13:09,584 --> 00:13:10,584
Go where?
355
00:13:10,602 --> 00:13:11,585
You know where we're going.
356
00:13:11,603 --> 00:13:12,970
No, I have no idea, honestly.
357
00:13:13,021 --> 00:13:14,221
Okay, I guess we're going there.
358
00:13:14,255 --> 00:13:15,255
Are we leaving?
359
00:13:15,273 --> 00:13:16,357
You want me to act like myself?
360
00:13:16,391 --> 00:13:17,424
You're dressed like a cowboy!
361
00:13:17,442 --> 00:13:20,227
So? It's fun,
and I like it.
362
00:13:20,261 --> 00:13:22,613
When you dated Andy,
you dressed in flannels.
363
00:13:22,647 --> 00:13:24,782
When you dated Chris,
you dressed in spandex.
364
00:13:24,816 --> 00:13:27,568
Ann, please do not lecture me
about acting like myself.
365
00:13:27,602 --> 00:13:30,955
You're dressed like an abstinence girl
366
00:13:30,989 --> 00:13:32,656
on the outside!
367
00:13:32,707 --> 00:13:34,241
God, I'm off
my comeback game right now.
368
00:13:34,275 --> 00:13:35,942
You know what? I don't care,
do whatever you want.
369
00:13:35,961 --> 00:13:37,711
Okay.
370
00:13:37,746 --> 00:13:39,213
Girl, you look like Annie Oakley
371
00:13:39,247 --> 00:13:42,633
and Pippi Longstocking
had a baby and I love it.
372
00:13:44,669 --> 00:13:46,220
A deer jumped in front of the car,
373
00:13:46,254 --> 00:13:47,588
and then a bear
jumped in front of the deer!
374
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:51,342
"'Tommy-edamame'
is back on the grid.
375
00:13:51,393 --> 00:13:53,560
"Tell everyone to light me up
with their dijjies,
376
00:13:53,595 --> 00:13:55,179
gotta load 'em
into my burner."
377
00:13:55,230 --> 00:13:57,798
Yes, I went to Best Buy
and bought a phone.
378
00:13:57,816 --> 00:13:59,850
Out of the car, now.
379
00:13:59,901 --> 00:14:02,069
Where are we going, Ron?
380
00:14:02,103 --> 00:14:04,021
Are we walking to Best Buy
to get a better phone?
381
00:14:05,473 --> 00:14:07,741
♪ I'm Marshall Langman
and I'm here to say ♪
382
00:14:07,776 --> 00:14:10,143
♪ that sex before marriage
is never the way ♪
383
00:14:10,161 --> 00:14:12,613
♪ I waited till marriage
and then some to do it ♪
384
00:14:12,647 --> 00:14:14,281
♪ if you decide to sin,
you'll rue it! ♪
385
00:14:14,315 --> 00:14:15,982
Word.
386
00:14:16,001 --> 00:14:17,984
Whoo! Whoo!
387
00:14:18,003 --> 00:14:19,486
Thank you very much, Marshall.
388
00:14:19,504 --> 00:14:21,288
Hello, my aged friends.
389
00:14:21,322 --> 00:14:23,924
Some of you might remember
that I was here before.
390
00:14:23,958 --> 00:14:26,210
- I don't remember that.
- Well, I was.
391
00:14:26,261 --> 00:14:28,262
But I have a new message for you.
392
00:14:28,296 --> 00:14:33,133
The best way to be safe
is to simply postpone sex
393
00:14:33,167 --> 00:14:34,718
until marriage.
394
00:14:34,769 --> 00:14:36,804
I am not going to be told
not to have sex
395
00:14:36,838 --> 00:14:39,556
by someone who's ten years my junior.
396
00:14:39,607 --> 00:14:41,608
Amen, Gladys.
You're right!
397
00:14:41,643 --> 00:14:43,677
Not about the age thing,
about the other thing.
398
00:14:43,695 --> 00:14:45,345
Perhaps you might understand it better
399
00:14:45,363 --> 00:14:47,398
if I read to you from this pamphlet,
400
00:14:47,449 --> 00:14:49,900
So you think you know more than God.
401
00:14:49,951 --> 00:14:51,184
"Our bodies are God's gift,
402
00:14:51,202 --> 00:14:53,153
"but they're also
the devil's playground.
403
00:14:53,187 --> 00:14:55,239
"The devil likes to hide
404
00:14:55,290 --> 00:14:57,458
"in all your private nooks
and crannies,
405
00:14:57,492 --> 00:14:59,359
"and if you open too wide,
406
00:14:59,377 --> 00:15:01,962
he might get out, or in."
What--?
407
00:15:01,996 --> 00:15:04,715
Can we just see
the condom demonstration again?
408
00:15:04,749 --> 00:15:07,634
'Cause I don't know
where Lou has been.
409
00:15:07,669 --> 00:15:12,506
Well, I-I wish I-I could,
but I--
410
00:15:16,043 --> 00:15:17,928
Oh, screw it.
Okay, here.
411
00:15:17,979 --> 00:15:19,212
This is a penis, right?
412
00:15:19,230 --> 00:15:20,931
You put a condom on it,
and you pull the tip like this,
413
00:15:20,982 --> 00:15:23,400
and you roll it
all the way down the penis.
414
00:15:23,435 --> 00:15:24,818
Tell you what, condoms for everybody!
415
00:15:24,853 --> 00:15:26,103
Who wants some?
416
00:15:26,154 --> 00:15:27,771
Safe sex for everybody!
417
00:15:27,822 --> 00:15:28,822
- Hey!
- This is--
418
00:15:28,857 --> 00:15:30,685
Hey, who wants to party?
419
00:15:32,355 --> 00:15:34,320
It's a censure from the mayor's office.
420
00:15:34,552 --> 00:15:35,519
It's so official.
421
00:15:35,553 --> 00:15:37,003
I mean, look at the paper quality.
422
00:15:37,021 --> 00:15:38,639
This is no joke.
423
00:15:38,673 --> 00:15:40,607
I know I'm supposed
to help educate the public,
424
00:15:40,642 --> 00:15:43,594
but I also have an obligation
to uphold the laws.
425
00:15:43,628 --> 00:15:45,145
You're my boss.
What's my move here?
426
00:15:45,179 --> 00:15:46,947
Actually, Leslie, you're my boss now.
427
00:15:46,981 --> 00:15:47,677
That's right.
428
00:15:47,797 --> 00:15:49,306
Why am I still weirdly scared of you?
429
00:15:49,426 --> 00:15:51,985
I'm very confident
and I make a lot of eye contact.
430
00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:52,742
Hmm.
431
00:15:52,862 --> 00:15:54,254
As your city manager,
432
00:15:54,289 --> 00:15:57,458
I recommend
that you formally apologize
433
00:15:57,492 --> 00:15:58,525
and that, in the future,
434
00:15:58,543 --> 00:16:00,461
you stick to the letter of the law,
435
00:16:00,495 --> 00:16:02,629
but between you and me,
as your best friend...
436
00:16:02,664 --> 00:16:04,414
- Wha--?
- I kind of admire
437
00:16:04,466 --> 00:16:05,883
what you did up there.
438
00:16:05,917 --> 00:16:07,301
Made me happy that I voted for you
439
00:16:07,335 --> 00:16:09,837
as my city council member.
440
00:16:09,871 --> 00:16:12,339
Okay, this is great, just make sure
441
00:16:12,373 --> 00:16:14,127
that you don't go
too tight on him, all right?
442
00:16:14,247 --> 00:16:15,809
- Hey, can I ask you a question?
- Mm.
443
00:16:15,844 --> 00:16:17,761
What's the deal with the congressman?
444
00:16:17,812 --> 00:16:20,564
Seriously, like,
he seems a little robotic...
445
00:16:20,598 --> 00:16:21,648
Or something?
446
00:16:21,683 --> 00:16:23,517
Yeah, yeah, he's great, yeah.
447
00:16:23,551 --> 00:16:24,852
He turns it on when he has to,
448
00:16:24,886 --> 00:16:26,520
and when he doesn't,
he just sits there.
449
00:16:26,554 --> 00:16:28,605
There's no surprises, it's perfect.
450
00:16:28,656 --> 00:16:31,241
Oh, congressman,
can you just sit in the chair
451
00:16:31,276 --> 00:16:33,226
to test the satellite feed?
452
00:16:33,244 --> 00:16:34,661
Okey-dokey.
453
00:16:34,696 --> 00:16:36,663
Just run through
some of your stump speech.
454
00:16:36,698 --> 00:16:39,950
We've gone through
some difficult times,
455
00:16:40,001 --> 00:16:42,569
but we're from Ohio.
We're tough.
456
00:16:42,587 --> 00:16:45,372
We won't just survive
these dark times,
457
00:16:45,406 --> 00:16:47,875
we will thrive!
458
00:16:47,909 --> 00:16:49,760
That's great.
Good.
459
00:16:49,794 --> 00:16:52,296
Cool beans.
460
00:16:52,347 --> 00:16:55,349
See you guys later.
461
00:16:56,684 --> 00:17:00,053
God, I love him.
He's the best.
462
00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:02,756
I'm sorry I crashed your car.
463
00:17:02,774 --> 00:17:04,892
Please forgive me, Ron.
Please, Ron?
464
00:17:04,926 --> 00:17:07,277
Please?
465
00:17:07,312 --> 00:17:09,029
What are you doing?
Are you going to kill me?
466
00:17:09,063 --> 00:17:12,616
Why do you need to be
constantly distracted, Tom?
467
00:17:14,736 --> 00:17:15,953
The truth is
468
00:17:15,987 --> 00:17:17,905
I spend a lot of time
looking at screens
469
00:17:17,939 --> 00:17:19,373
because recently,
470
00:17:19,407 --> 00:17:20,824
a lot of the stuff in my real life
471
00:17:20,875 --> 00:17:22,292
isn't going that great.
472
00:17:22,327 --> 00:17:25,379
So I'd rather play Doodle Jump
then think about that.
473
00:17:25,413 --> 00:17:28,382
Okay?
I'm sorry, I really am.
474
00:17:29,617 --> 00:17:30,968
Go sit in your office
475
00:17:31,002 --> 00:17:34,221
while I consider whether
to turn you in to the judge.
476
00:17:34,255 --> 00:17:37,391
And while you're there,
neither doodle nor jump.
477
00:17:42,063 --> 00:17:45,799
Hey. I just wanted
to come lend my support.
478
00:17:45,817 --> 00:17:47,100
What are you going to say out there?
479
00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:49,436
I don't know.
I got censured, it's a big deal.
480
00:17:49,470 --> 00:17:52,356
Well, if you ask me,
you were elected to lead
481
00:17:52,407 --> 00:17:53,774
and not to follow.
482
00:17:53,808 --> 00:17:56,076
Which is probably
what I should've said
483
00:17:56,110 --> 00:17:57,444
instead of what I did say.
484
00:17:57,478 --> 00:17:59,112
I feel terrible about what I said too.
485
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:00,647
No, you were right.
486
00:18:00,665 --> 00:18:02,816
I know, but I still feel terrible.
487
00:18:02,834 --> 00:18:04,167
I'm sorry, continue.
488
00:18:04,202 --> 00:18:06,453
I kind of lost myself
in this relationship.
489
00:18:06,487 --> 00:18:08,655
I bought a lasso online, Leslie.
490
00:18:08,673 --> 00:18:09,756
Yikes.
491
00:18:09,791 --> 00:18:12,125
I turned all my jeans
into Daisy Dukes.
492
00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:14,261
My personality kinda gets swept up
493
00:18:14,295 --> 00:18:17,497
in whatever guy I'm dating,
and I want to change that.
494
00:18:17,515 --> 00:18:18,999
I broke it off with Ricky.
495
00:18:19,017 --> 00:18:20,467
Well, that's good, but I'll tell you,
496
00:18:20,501 --> 00:18:22,970
he'll never lasso another heifer
497
00:18:23,004 --> 00:18:26,556
as fine as you, Annie Oakley.
498
00:18:26,608 --> 00:18:28,842
The story of that commercial break is
499
00:18:28,876 --> 00:18:29,977
it's over.
500
00:18:30,011 --> 00:18:32,613
Leslie, what exactly
does "censure" mean?
501
00:18:32,647 --> 00:18:34,531
It means that I have been
formally disciplined
502
00:18:34,565 --> 00:18:36,066
for breaking the law.
503
00:18:36,117 --> 00:18:39,352
Well, you know what they say,
"You break it, you buy it."
504
00:18:39,370 --> 00:18:40,837
That doesn't really apply here.
505
00:18:40,872 --> 00:18:42,873
Tell that to the folks at Pier 1,
506
00:18:42,907 --> 00:18:46,192
an establishment
I'm no longer allowed inside.
507
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:47,694
Perd, I'd like to apologize.
508
00:18:47,712 --> 00:18:48,996
Thank you.
509
00:18:49,030 --> 00:18:51,865
Apologize for the antiquated
laws in this city.
510
00:18:51,883 --> 00:18:54,584
States that teach
abstinence-only
511
00:18:54,636 --> 00:18:57,170
have the highest rates
of teen pregnancy and STDs.
512
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:59,089
To continue this policy is insane.
513
00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:02,542
Look, we all want
the same thing, right?
514
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:05,679
We want fewer unwanted
pregnancies and fewer STDs.
515
00:19:05,713 --> 00:19:08,048
Why don't we use
every weapon that we have?
516
00:19:08,066 --> 00:19:10,383
I know that most of you
don't agree with me on this,
517
00:19:10,401 --> 00:19:13,570
but I'm going to fight very hard
to change your minds,
518
00:19:13,604 --> 00:19:16,189
and until then,
I will take this censure,
519
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:20,226
and I will wear it proudly,
like a badge of honor.
520
00:19:20,244 --> 00:19:21,745
Wow, strong words from a woman
521
00:19:21,779 --> 00:19:24,448
who is trying to pin
a piece of paper to her blazer.
522
00:19:24,499 --> 00:19:27,901
Next up on the program,
we hear from you, our fans,
523
00:19:27,919 --> 00:19:31,004
in our new segment,
"Are you there, perd-verts?
524
00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:34,207
It's me, Perd,
hosting a new segment."
525
00:19:34,241 --> 00:19:37,744
I'm so bored.
526
00:19:37,762 --> 00:19:39,012
I have something for you, son.
527
00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:40,964
- My iPhone?
- No.
528
00:19:41,015 --> 00:19:42,916
I am giving you
a non-electronic book
529
00:19:42,934 --> 00:19:44,134
made of paper from a tree.
530
00:19:44,185 --> 00:19:48,588
It is called
Auto Repair Manual: 1982.
531
00:19:48,606 --> 00:19:50,590
You will read this book
from cover to cover,
532
00:19:50,608 --> 00:19:53,860
then you will assist me in
repairing the damage to my car.
533
00:19:53,895 --> 00:19:55,862
I will not report you to the judge,
534
00:19:55,897 --> 00:19:58,431
but if you slip up again,
you will have much more to fear
535
00:19:58,449 --> 00:20:00,951
than some feeble
government employee in a robe.
536
00:20:00,985 --> 00:20:02,435
- Thanks.
- Two more things.
537
00:20:02,453 --> 00:20:03,737
When you do get your phone back,
538
00:20:03,771 --> 00:20:05,271
you will not stare at it
539
00:20:05,289 --> 00:20:07,040
when you're talking
with another human being.
540
00:20:07,075 --> 00:20:09,242
Look a man in the eye
when you speak with him.
541
00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:11,211
And second, if you ever need
542
00:20:11,245 --> 00:20:14,831
to discuss your problems
with someone...
543
00:20:14,882 --> 00:20:17,450
find Leslie.
She lives for that crap.
544
00:20:17,468 --> 00:20:20,620
Get to work.
545
00:20:20,638 --> 00:20:23,090
They're killing me in the press.
546
00:20:23,124 --> 00:20:25,892
The Pawnee Sun
is calling me "Loose-ly Grope."
547
00:20:25,927 --> 00:20:27,460
But you know what?
I don't even care.
548
00:20:27,478 --> 00:20:28,628
I'm gonna kick all their asses!
549
00:20:28,646 --> 00:20:29,980
I am so fired up!
550
00:20:30,014 --> 00:20:32,265
I'm gonna go right now
and drink, like, 1,000 Red Bulls
551
00:20:32,299 --> 00:20:34,935
so I can draft a new bill
to undo abstinence-only.
552
00:20:34,969 --> 00:20:37,187
Man, you are just a machine.
553
00:20:37,238 --> 00:20:38,855
Get stuff done.
554
00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:40,640
Hey, why don't you send it to me
when you have a draft?
555
00:20:40,658 --> 00:20:42,275
- I'll try to help.
- You're the greatest.
556
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:43,693
But you're gonna have
to take out a lot of cursing,
557
00:20:43,745 --> 00:20:45,145
'cause like I said,
I am very fired up.
558
00:20:45,163 --> 00:20:48,298
Well, you go get 'em.
I love you.
559
00:20:48,332 --> 00:20:50,584
I love you too.
What are you wearing?
560
00:20:50,618 --> 00:20:52,285
I can't do that right now.
561
00:20:53,423 --> 00:21:00,319
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
562
00:21:01,034 --> 00:21:04,522
- Yo, you ready to go?
- Why, yes, I am, April!
563
00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:06,431
Let's go now!
564
00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:07,432
What's wrong with you?
565
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:09,443
Wonderful!
566
00:21:09,563 --> 00:21:11,018
Hey, be careful out there.
567
00:21:11,138 --> 00:21:13,405
Traffic is nuts
on the streets and roads.
568
00:21:13,407 --> 00:21:15,941
Oh, no!
They got you!
569
00:21:15,943 --> 00:21:17,526
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ah, ha, ha.
570
00:21:17,528 --> 00:21:19,181
Terrific!
Hey, I'm hungry.
571
00:21:19,277 --> 00:21:21,860
Let's go eat some batteries--
I mean, human food.
572
00:21:21,862 --> 00:21:23,145
Hey, uh, batteries--
573
00:21:23,147 --> 00:21:25,114
I mean, human food sounds good to me.
574
00:21:25,116 --> 00:21:26,211
Wonderful.
575
00:21:28,602 --> 00:21:30,786
Let's go.