1
00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:03,324
2020
2
00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:06,024
Uh... that's a stretch.
3
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,308
Fine.
2024.
4
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:10,894
I win,
we move in there.
5
00:00:11,395 --> 00:00:13,397
I'll take the West Wing.
You take the East Wing.
6
00:00:13,398 --> 00:00:15,082
You can be the first gentleman.
7
00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:17,351
Actually, that sounds
kind of great.
8
00:00:17,352 --> 00:00:19,486
Thanks for coming with me
to get my stuff.
9
00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:20,921
How could I pass up
an opportunity
10
00:00:20,922 --> 00:00:22,256
to look at our future house?
11
00:00:22,257 --> 00:00:24,191
Oh, just remembered.
12
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:26,493
I kind of got you
an engagement present.
13
00:00:26,744 --> 00:00:28,028
Is it a waffle tower?
14
00:00:28,029 --> 00:00:30,429
I mean, it's a little better
than that.
15
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:37,036
Claudia Welders.
16
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,638
Uh, that--
how did--
17
00:00:39,639 --> 00:00:41,540
- How did you do this?
- Called in a few favors.
18
00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:42,942
Excuse me.
19
00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:44,743
A few hundred favors.
20
00:00:44,744 --> 00:00:46,111
Mr. Vice President.
21
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:48,013
Ben Wyatt from
congressman Murray's office.
22
00:00:48,014 --> 00:00:49,981
Hey, Ben. Dave told me
you were gonna be coming by.
23
00:00:49,982 --> 00:00:51,216
And you must be Leslie Knope.
24
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:54,386
Welcome. Welcome.
25
00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:58,056
You're--my name just came out
of your mouth.
26
00:00:58,057 --> 00:00:59,557
Well, yeah, it did.
27
00:00:59,558 --> 00:01:02,393
This isn't happening.
28
00:01:02,394 --> 00:01:04,128
This isn't real.
29
00:01:04,129 --> 00:01:05,296
No, it's happening,
30
00:01:05,297 --> 00:01:06,931
and I'm delighted
to have you here.
31
00:01:06,932 --> 00:01:08,732
On behalf of the president
and myself,
32
00:01:08,733 --> 00:01:09,934
- I wanted to--
- Oh, Mr. Vice President,
33
00:01:09,935 --> 00:01:11,235
I am deeply flattered,
34
00:01:11,236 --> 00:01:12,669
but there's no way
that I could take over
35
00:01:12,670 --> 00:01:15,239
Madam Secretary Clinton's
position.
36
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:17,174
- I mean--
- I'm confident
37
00:01:17,175 --> 00:01:18,374
you could do that job
or any other, but--
38
00:01:18,375 --> 00:01:19,809
Okay, I will.
39
00:01:19,810 --> 00:01:22,312
Well, the reason
you're here is I'm told
40
00:01:22,313 --> 00:01:23,512
you've done such a great job
41
00:01:24,013 --> 00:01:25,848
in your town
and in the state of Indiana,
42
00:01:25,849 --> 00:01:27,016
and I just want
to say congratulations
43
00:01:27,017 --> 00:01:28,684
for your public service.
44
00:01:28,685 --> 00:01:30,686
And I just want
to say thank you.
45
00:01:30,687 --> 00:01:31,988
Well, you--
you're very welcome.
46
00:01:31,989 --> 00:01:33,222
You're very welcome.
47
00:01:33,223 --> 00:01:35,924
Hey--
y-you're very welcome.
48
00:01:35,925 --> 00:01:38,360
- You're very handsome.
- I think we're all done.
49
00:01:38,361 --> 00:01:39,861
- Well, you're very nice.
- Okay. Thank you.
50
00:01:39,862 --> 00:01:41,330
Thank--
thank you very much.
51
00:01:41,331 --> 00:01:42,397
Thank you very much.
We'll see you tomorrow.
52
00:01:42,398 --> 00:01:45,400
Well--
Oh, well, you will?
53
00:01:45,401 --> 00:01:47,369
Thank you,
Mr. Vice President.
54
00:01:47,370 --> 00:01:48,903
Y-you're welcome.
55
00:01:48,904 --> 00:01:51,238
You don't let anything happen
to him, you understand me?
56
00:01:51,739 --> 00:01:53,607
He is precious cargo.
57
00:01:56,611 --> 00:02:01,551
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
58
00:02:13,794 --> 00:02:16,129
Yeah, it's actually the same
accounting firm I almost joined
59
00:02:16,130 --> 00:02:18,264
last year, and they gave me
a great package--
60
00:02:18,265 --> 00:02:21,167
Three weeks of vacation,
matching 401(K),
61
00:02:21,168 --> 00:02:23,902
and a pretty sweet windbreaker.
62
00:02:23,903 --> 00:02:25,404
- Wow.
- I'm getting married,
63
00:02:25,405 --> 00:02:27,939
and I wanted
a good stable job,
64
00:02:27,940 --> 00:02:30,976
so I'm going back
to Accounting.
65
00:02:30,977 --> 00:02:34,013
So just call me Bond,
66
00:02:34,014 --> 00:02:37,816
municipal bond.
67
00:02:37,817 --> 00:02:40,718
Yeah, that joke killed
at the accounting firm.
68
00:02:40,719 --> 00:02:42,020
Well, well, well.
69
00:02:42,021 --> 00:02:44,288
If it isn't Mr. Looks
and Professor Books.
70
00:02:44,289 --> 00:02:46,391
He's Looks.
I got it.
71
00:02:46,392 --> 00:02:48,459
Of course you do, Books.
What's going on?
72
00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:51,396
Well, fun fact: Ben just got
an amazing accounting job.
73
00:02:51,397 --> 00:02:53,231
Regular fact:
I have to go to a meeting.
74
00:02:53,232 --> 00:02:56,766
Un-fun fact:
My uncle just had a stroke.
75
00:02:57,868 --> 00:02:59,736
Well, I'm off.
76
00:02:59,737 --> 00:03:01,671
This is actually
a crazy coincidence.
77
00:03:01,672 --> 00:03:03,407
I have a new company
78
00:03:03,408 --> 00:03:05,842
and could use your help
on the math side of things.
79
00:03:05,843 --> 00:03:08,078
- Oh, what's the new company?
- We specialize in making stacks
80
00:03:08,079 --> 00:03:09,579
on stacks
on stacks on stacks.
81
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:10,946
Right.
Pass.
82
00:03:10,947 --> 00:03:12,181
I'm kidding.
83
00:03:12,182 --> 00:03:13,382
It's a real idea.
84
00:03:13,383 --> 00:03:14,983
So get this--
85
00:03:14,984 --> 00:03:16,818
Kids are always growing
out of their clothes,
86
00:03:16,819 --> 00:03:17,953
so their parents don't want
to buy 'em nice things.
87
00:03:17,954 --> 00:03:20,022
I'm gonna rent
my upscale clothing
88
00:03:20,023 --> 00:03:21,957
to middle school kids,
because I discovered
89
00:03:21,958 --> 00:03:25,027
I'm roughly the same size as
the average Pawnee 12-year-old.
90
00:03:25,028 --> 00:03:26,627
That's actually
a really great idea.
91
00:03:26,628 --> 00:03:28,463
I know. Can you take a look
at the business plan,
92
00:03:28,464 --> 00:03:29,597
tell me what do you think?
93
00:03:29,598 --> 00:03:30,765
- Sure. Why not?
- Awesome.
94
00:03:30,766 --> 00:03:32,367
Washington, D.C. has
95
00:03:32,368 --> 00:03:35,036
more dog parks per capita
than most cities.
96
00:03:35,037 --> 00:03:37,439
Pawnee only has two dog parks--
97
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:39,607
this one
and that one,
98
00:03:39,608 --> 00:03:41,842
which is also
an active parking lot.
99
00:03:41,843 --> 00:03:44,278
Can you say
"per capita" again?
100
00:03:44,279 --> 00:03:46,012
I want to take a picture
of you saying "per capita."
101
00:03:46,013 --> 00:03:47,814
- Stop.
- I am so proud of you.
102
00:03:47,815 --> 00:03:49,816
Now stand next to the screen
and think about
103
00:03:49,817 --> 00:03:51,552
all the strong female
role models in your life.
104
00:03:51,553 --> 00:03:53,687
- Gross.
- April came to me
105
00:03:53,688 --> 00:03:56,490
with an idea to build
a dog park in Pawnee.
106
00:03:56,491 --> 00:03:58,791
I recognized her potential
a long time ago,
107
00:03:58,792 --> 00:04:00,759
and she's finally
living up to it.
108
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,495
I mean,
I am so proud of her,
109
00:04:02,496 --> 00:04:04,930
I could cry.
110
00:04:04,931 --> 00:04:07,733
And... here we go.
111
00:04:07,734 --> 00:04:08,934
One tiny critique.
112
00:04:08,935 --> 00:04:10,570
If you do want
to be taken seriously,
113
00:04:10,571 --> 00:04:11,737
you might want
to think a little bit
114
00:04:11,738 --> 00:04:12,871
about how you present yourself.
115
00:04:12,872 --> 00:04:14,506
No, this is publicity
116
00:04:14,507 --> 00:04:16,475
for Orin's
new performance art show.
117
00:04:16,476 --> 00:04:18,643
He's an animal
living on a human farm.
118
00:04:18,644 --> 00:04:20,712
And you can go and feed him
from your own hand.
119
00:04:20,713 --> 00:04:22,046
Ugh, that's horrifying,
120
00:04:22,047 --> 00:04:23,215
and so is Orin.
121
00:04:23,216 --> 00:04:24,382
You should not be friends
with him.
122
00:04:24,383 --> 00:04:25,917
So, after reviewing
all the options,
123
00:04:25,918 --> 00:04:28,253
I found that the best location
for the dog park
124
00:04:28,254 --> 00:04:30,654
is Lot 48,
125
00:04:30,655 --> 00:04:32,022
the one behind Ann's house.
126
00:04:34,493 --> 00:04:37,228
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
127
00:04:37,229 --> 00:04:39,796
I've been trying to put
a park there for four years.
128
00:04:39,797 --> 00:04:42,065
See, the thing is, April,
that lot is mine.
129
00:04:42,066 --> 00:04:44,034
I've been doing
slow, painstaking work
130
00:04:44,035 --> 00:04:46,603
so I don't want to whip out
the legalese on you now,
131
00:04:46,604 --> 00:04:47,670
but I got dibs.
132
00:04:47,671 --> 00:04:49,005
What we are gonna do
133
00:04:49,006 --> 00:04:50,240
is we're gonna take
your enthusiasm,
134
00:04:50,241 --> 00:04:51,608
we're gonna bundle it up,
135
00:04:51,609 --> 00:04:52,808
and we're gonna find a new place
for a dog park.
136
00:04:52,809 --> 00:04:53,909
Doesn't that sound fun?
137
00:04:53,910 --> 00:04:56,513
One, two, three, cheese.
Good girl.
138
00:04:56,514 --> 00:04:58,148
Good morning, Andy.
139
00:05:00,917 --> 00:05:06,255
Okay, something is different
about my computer.
140
00:05:06,256 --> 00:05:08,423
Aha.
It's gone.
141
00:05:10,924 --> 00:05:13,728
A game is the foot.
142
00:05:13,729 --> 00:05:15,964
See, part of the police academy
entrance exam
143
00:05:15,965 --> 00:05:18,432
is investigating a crime.
144
00:05:18,433 --> 00:05:20,434
So about a month ago
I told everyone in the office
145
00:05:20,435 --> 00:05:22,336
that, at some point,
they should steal something
146
00:05:22,337 --> 00:05:24,004
from my desk
so I could practice.
147
00:05:24,505 --> 00:05:25,973
Let's do this.
148
00:05:26,974 --> 00:05:30,344
Wait, hey, did you guys
take my glasses too?
149
00:05:30,345 --> 00:05:32,346
They got my sunglasses too.
150
00:05:32,347 --> 00:05:34,981
I was in Miami
last weekend.
151
00:05:34,982 --> 00:05:36,449
I took my talents
to South Beach.
152
00:05:36,450 --> 00:05:38,418
How do you spend
your time in Miami?
153
00:05:38,419 --> 00:05:39,986
Maybe fencing
stolen computers?
154
00:05:39,987 --> 00:05:42,422
Yes, I took
your government computer
155
00:05:42,423 --> 00:05:45,892
from Indiana to Miami
156
00:05:45,893 --> 00:05:47,760
to sell it
on the black market
157
00:05:47,761 --> 00:05:49,229
for 150 bucks.
158
00:05:49,230 --> 00:05:52,565
Ha-ha, you don't know it,
but you just gave yourself away.
159
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,167
Gotta say,
I'm impressed.
160
00:05:55,568 --> 00:05:57,570
Your mission statement
made sense,
161
00:05:57,571 --> 00:06:00,105
and you didn't use
one R. Kelly lyric.
162
00:06:00,106 --> 00:06:01,574
Yes.
163
00:06:01,575 --> 00:06:03,342
So you want to be my CFO?
164
00:06:03,343 --> 00:06:04,610
Well, I already have a job,
165
00:06:04,611 --> 00:06:05,877
but I'll help
as a friend.
166
00:06:05,878 --> 00:06:08,680
As long as you take
what I say seriously.
167
00:06:08,681 --> 00:06:11,716
I don't want another
Entertainment 720 disaster
168
00:06:11,717 --> 00:06:12,883
on our hands.
169
00:06:12,884 --> 00:06:13,984
Yeah, it was a disaster.
170
00:06:13,985 --> 00:06:15,553
Too bad
we didn't see it coming.
171
00:06:15,554 --> 00:06:17,522
All right,
what's my first move?
172
00:06:17,523 --> 00:06:19,790
You know, I think any
of the four previous locations
173
00:06:19,791 --> 00:06:21,959
would work, but there's
something about this place.
174
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,561
It just has
a really good energy here,
175
00:06:24,562 --> 00:06:26,930
you know?
lots of natural light.
176
00:06:26,931 --> 00:06:28,798
It's tiny and awful
and loud.
177
00:06:28,799 --> 00:06:32,636
And it's zone 14B,
industrial waste clean-up site.
178
00:06:32,637 --> 00:06:34,571
We should technically be wearing
Hazmat suits right now.
179
00:06:34,572 --> 00:06:37,207
It seems like the kind
of place a ska band would go
180
00:06:37,208 --> 00:06:38,574
to shoot heroin.
181
00:06:38,575 --> 00:06:41,043
Come on, guys, this is
a great place for a dog park.
182
00:06:41,044 --> 00:06:43,713
I mean, look,
there's already a dog here.
183
00:06:43,714 --> 00:06:45,814
Oh, my God.
I had that exact doll
184
00:06:45,815 --> 00:06:46,982
when I was a kid.
185
00:06:46,983 --> 00:06:48,917
This is--
this is traumatic for me.
186
00:06:48,918 --> 00:06:51,621
Well, I'm sorry, but lot 48
is the only one that works.
187
00:06:51,622 --> 00:06:52,722
And I'm definitely
bringing it up
188
00:06:52,723 --> 00:06:54,256
at the next
city council meeting.
189
00:06:54,257 --> 00:06:55,624
April, please,
I beg of you,
190
00:06:55,625 --> 00:06:57,459
I will do anything
to keep you from doing that.
191
00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:58,793
Okay.
Saw off your pinky toe.
192
00:06:58,794 --> 00:07:00,228
- No.
- Shave your head.
193
00:07:00,229 --> 00:07:01,796
- No.
- Have sex with Jerry.
194
00:07:01,797 --> 00:07:03,064
No.
195
00:07:03,065 --> 00:07:04,633
Well, I tried
to be reasonable.
196
00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:06,334
I have created a monster.
197
00:07:06,335 --> 00:07:08,770
And now I need
to destroy her.
198
00:07:08,771 --> 00:07:10,271
What do I do, Joe?
199
00:07:10,272 --> 00:07:12,139
Well, Leslie,
200
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,240
look into my eyes,
take a deep breath,
201
00:07:14,241 --> 00:07:16,243
and everything will be fine.
202
00:07:16,244 --> 00:07:17,944
Thanks, Joe.
203
00:07:17,945 --> 00:07:20,113
God, he's good.
204
00:07:21,636 --> 00:07:23,970
Ron, thank you for
agreeing to see me.
205
00:07:24,136 --> 00:07:25,970
I didn't. You just walked
in here and started talking.
206
00:07:25,971 --> 00:07:27,238
I don't have time
for a history lesson.
207
00:07:27,239 --> 00:07:31,142
Look, I am trying
to remove parking meters,
208
00:07:31,143 --> 00:07:34,178
and there is a guy
in Public Works
209
00:07:34,179 --> 00:07:35,614
who's being
a real thorn about it.
210
00:07:35,615 --> 00:07:38,349
- Which guy?
- Ricky Jordache.
211
00:07:38,350 --> 00:07:39,784
Never heard of him.
What's his deal?
212
00:07:39,785 --> 00:07:41,719
He's new.
He used to be a slacker,
213
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,888
but now he's realizing
his full potential,
214
00:07:43,889 --> 00:07:45,055
but at what cost?
215
00:07:45,056 --> 00:07:46,690
He's smart,
and he's beautiful,
216
00:07:46,691 --> 00:07:48,392
and I think of him
in many ways as a daughter,
217
00:07:48,393 --> 00:07:49,993
but that would be crazy
'cause he's a man
218
00:07:49,994 --> 00:07:51,429
and his name's Ricky.
219
00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:52,496
Here's my question.
220
00:07:52,497 --> 00:07:54,731
How did you used
to slow me down
221
00:07:54,732 --> 00:07:57,133
when I was becoming
too me-ish?
222
00:07:57,134 --> 00:07:58,701
Sometimes I'd just give you
busy work.
223
00:07:58,702 --> 00:08:01,237
I once had you put together
a brochure
224
00:08:01,238 --> 00:08:03,973
about different kinds
of Indiana topsoil.
225
00:08:03,974 --> 00:08:06,075
That soil brochure
was not busy work.
226
00:08:06,076 --> 00:08:09,078
I mean, people still refer
to Mulch Ado About Nothing.
227
00:08:09,079 --> 00:08:11,914
And if you were particularly
amped up about a project,
228
00:08:11,915 --> 00:08:15,484
I'd take you to JJ's
and distract you with waffles.
229
00:08:15,485 --> 00:08:16,919
Those were
distraction waffles?
230
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:18,587
I thought
they were friendship waffles.
231
00:08:18,588 --> 00:08:21,657
Breakfast food can serve
many purposes.
232
00:08:21,658 --> 00:08:23,992
But what if this person,
this Ricky, who is real,
233
00:08:23,993 --> 00:08:25,494
doesn't like waffles
234
00:08:25,495 --> 00:08:26,928
or anything.
235
00:08:26,929 --> 00:08:29,597
Everybody has something
they're passionate about.
236
00:08:29,598 --> 00:08:32,633
Just figure out what it is,
express an interest in it,
237
00:08:32,634 --> 00:08:34,268
and divert his attention.
238
00:08:41,009 --> 00:08:42,242
Howdy, neighbors.
239
00:08:42,243 --> 00:08:43,743
Welcome to human farm.
240
00:08:44,494 --> 00:08:48,148
Here's your animal feed.
Please don't feed the animals.
241
00:08:48,149 --> 00:08:53,354
Wow, this is really,
really cool.
242
00:08:53,355 --> 00:08:56,090
I like the statement it's making
243
00:08:56,091 --> 00:08:59,525
that, you know,
we're all in cages in a way.
244
00:08:59,526 --> 00:09:02,261
Yeah, it's actually
about death and the city.
245
00:09:02,262 --> 00:09:04,464
Yeah.
I see that now.
246
00:09:04,465 --> 00:09:07,300
Hi, Orin.
247
00:09:07,301 --> 00:09:09,668
Ms. Wicks,
if you've read our proposal,
248
00:09:09,669 --> 00:09:11,704
you'll see that an alliance
between Rent-A-Swag
249
00:09:11,705 --> 00:09:14,607
and Sweetums could be
mutually beneficial.
250
00:09:14,608 --> 00:09:17,609
Well, I must say
it's a much better idea
251
00:09:17,610 --> 00:09:19,644
than the last one you had,
252
00:09:19,645 --> 00:09:21,613
that gourmet French food thing.
253
00:09:21,914 --> 00:09:24,749
Oh, my escargot
delivery service, Snail Mail.
254
00:09:25,250 --> 00:09:27,052
So you want to partner up
and make history?
255
00:09:27,053 --> 00:09:29,087
I mean,
you've already made history
256
00:09:29,088 --> 00:09:30,989
as the world's
most beautiful CEO.
257
00:09:31,290 --> 00:09:32,789
I'm really sorry, cutie.
258
00:09:32,790 --> 00:09:34,492
The company's laying low
right now
259
00:09:34,493 --> 00:09:37,094
due to a small mishap.
260
00:09:37,095 --> 00:09:38,562
Ah, yes.
261
00:09:38,563 --> 00:09:41,499
The Sweetums molasses
storage vat exploded,
262
00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:44,268
resulting in a slow-moving
ecological disaster.
263
00:09:44,269 --> 00:09:46,270
Well, all press
is good press.
264
00:09:46,271 --> 00:09:48,338
No, this was bad press.
265
00:09:48,339 --> 00:09:51,508
A lot of homes
were very gradually flooded.
266
00:09:51,509 --> 00:09:54,144
People died.
267
00:09:54,645 --> 00:09:56,312
Actually, speaking of,
268
00:09:56,313 --> 00:09:58,581
we're starting up
a non-profit foundation
269
00:09:58,582 --> 00:10:00,083
to restore our name.
270
00:10:00,084 --> 00:10:02,052
Any interest in running it?
271
00:10:02,053 --> 00:10:05,921
Oh, I'm--I'm sorry, you want
me to run your non-profit wing?
272
00:10:05,922 --> 00:10:08,223
I know that Bobby Newport
is my stepson,
273
00:10:08,624 --> 00:10:12,661
but the work you did on Leslie's
campaign was amazing.
274
00:10:13,162 --> 00:10:14,463
Your name is on our short list.
275
00:10:14,464 --> 00:10:15,997
Just to clarify,
276
00:10:16,498 --> 00:10:19,233
it's a no to me
on all fronts,
277
00:10:19,234 --> 00:10:20,801
and you're offering Ben a job?
278
00:10:20,802 --> 00:10:23,604
- Yeah.
- Cool. Cool.
279
00:10:24,605 --> 00:10:26,640
Been looking at your file
all day,
280
00:10:26,641 --> 00:10:29,544
Jerry--
if that even is your real name.
281
00:10:29,545 --> 00:10:31,879
It's not.
My real name is Gary.
282
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,449
Well, Gary--if that even
is your real name--
283
00:10:35,450 --> 00:10:38,685
Somebody stole my computer.
Now, if you're a criminal,
284
00:10:38,686 --> 00:10:40,287
look at me,
285
00:10:40,288 --> 00:10:42,589
you have to tell me legally,
286
00:10:42,590 --> 00:10:45,225
or else it's considered
entrapment.
287
00:10:45,226 --> 00:10:47,894
I'm sorry, Andy.
It wasn't me.
288
00:10:47,895 --> 00:10:49,463
Oh, man, really?
289
00:10:49,464 --> 00:10:50,797
- No.
- Okay.
290
00:10:51,298 --> 00:10:53,599
Okay, so we know
it's not Jerry,
291
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,701
unless he was lying to me.
292
00:10:55,702 --> 00:10:58,804
I can never tell
when people are lying to me.
293
00:10:58,805 --> 00:11:01,540
Hopefully that doesn't come up
in my police work.
294
00:11:02,041 --> 00:11:04,009
I think we should do
more stuff like this.
295
00:11:04,010 --> 00:11:06,479
You know, I think Pawnee
needs an amazing arts program.
296
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,679
Maybe you should just drop
everything and coordinate it.
297
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:09,847
I'm not stupid.
298
00:11:09,848 --> 00:11:11,649
What is that supposed to mean?
299
00:11:11,650 --> 00:11:13,518
It means that the only reason
you brought me here
300
00:11:13,519 --> 00:11:15,320
is to distract me
from the dog park.
301
00:11:15,321 --> 00:11:17,422
- You hate this show.
- I love this show.
302
00:11:17,423 --> 00:11:19,524
- What's your favorite part?
- The heavy-handedness.
303
00:11:20,726 --> 00:11:22,059
You know what,
I have to go talk
304
00:11:22,060 --> 00:11:23,293
to Councilman Jamm right now.
305
00:11:23,294 --> 00:11:24,861
Why are you talking
to Councilman Jamm?
306
00:11:24,862 --> 00:11:26,363
Because I told him
about the dog park idea,
307
00:11:26,364 --> 00:11:28,298
and he loves it.
He thinks it's a great idea.
308
00:11:28,299 --> 00:11:29,866
He's gonna support my motion
309
00:11:29,867 --> 00:11:31,435
at the city council meeting
tomorrow,
310
00:11:31,436 --> 00:11:33,604
and he gave me
a really cool dental mirror
311
00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:34,938
to check out my molars.
312
00:11:34,939 --> 00:11:37,174
Our dispute aside,
you should be careful with Jamm.
313
00:11:37,175 --> 00:11:39,009
He's a snake,
I'm telling you.
314
00:11:39,010 --> 00:11:42,478
Yeah, like I should trust you
out of all people right now.
315
00:11:43,479 --> 00:11:44,547
Moo.
316
00:11:45,048 --> 00:11:47,016
- Moo.
- Quiet, weirdo.
317
00:11:47,017 --> 00:11:48,518
Aren't you supposed
to be a sheep?
318
00:11:48,519 --> 00:11:51,154
No.
You are.
319
00:11:51,155 --> 00:11:53,055
Oh, shut up.
320
00:11:53,556 --> 00:11:56,024
Tom would make
a great profile for your show.
321
00:11:56,025 --> 00:11:57,792
I mean, this is a guy
who's learned
322
00:11:57,793 --> 00:12:02,063
through an unbelievable series
of bonehead business moves.
323
00:12:02,064 --> 00:12:03,931
Not to mention
in the last month alone
324
00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,333
three people have confused me
325
00:12:05,334 --> 00:12:07,869
for a shorter,
Indian Ryan Gosling.
326
00:12:07,870 --> 00:12:09,737
It's interesting,
but I think I need to wait
327
00:12:09,738 --> 00:12:11,172
until the business
has been around
328
00:12:11,173 --> 00:12:14,542
for a few months,
make sure it's viable.
329
00:12:14,543 --> 00:12:16,777
You're the guy who ran
the congressional campaign
330
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,445
- in Washington, right?
- Yeah.
331
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:19,647
What, are you gonna
offer him a job?
332
00:12:20,148 --> 00:12:22,049
Yes.
We're launching
333
00:12:22,050 --> 00:12:24,552
a new political chat show,
and we need correspondents.
334
00:12:24,553 --> 00:12:25,919
Oh, well, thank you,
335
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,521
but I'm a little shaky
on live TV.
336
00:12:28,522 --> 00:12:31,090
That's okay.
People want authenticity.
337
00:12:31,091 --> 00:12:32,925
- Think about it?
- Didn't you hear him?
338
00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:34,093
He stinks on TV.
339
00:12:34,094 --> 00:12:35,495
He sweats.
He stutters.
340
00:12:35,496 --> 00:12:36,996
It's like The King's Speech,
341
00:12:36,997 --> 00:12:38,431
but the first part,
before he's fixed.
342
00:12:38,432 --> 00:12:40,600
That was my favorite part
of the movie.
343
00:12:40,601 --> 00:12:42,468
What is happening?
344
00:12:42,869 --> 00:12:44,102
Chris Traeger.
345
00:12:44,203 --> 00:12:45,604
Yup.
Hi, Andy.
346
00:12:46,005 --> 00:12:47,138
I know you did it.
347
00:12:47,139 --> 00:12:50,275
Did what?
348
00:12:50,276 --> 00:12:52,744
Don't play stupid
and handsome with me.
349
00:12:52,745 --> 00:12:55,681
You stole my computer
so that I could practice
350
00:12:55,682 --> 00:12:58,049
for my police exam.
351
00:12:58,050 --> 00:12:59,917
You're as guilty
as you are sexy.
352
00:12:59,918 --> 00:13:02,086
Andy, another computer
was reported stolen
353
00:13:02,087 --> 00:13:03,688
from the offices
on the other side
354
00:13:03,689 --> 00:13:05,022
of the courtyard.
355
00:13:05,023 --> 00:13:06,156
I don't think
356
00:13:06,157 --> 00:13:07,692
this is part
of your police training.
357
00:13:08,193 --> 00:13:09,893
I think City Hall was robbed.
358
00:13:10,394 --> 00:13:11,462
I can't tell
if you're lying to me.
359
00:13:11,463 --> 00:13:12,963
- Really?
- I think.
360
00:13:12,964 --> 00:13:15,099
Like a real crime?
That's even better.
361
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:16,899
Next order of business:
362
00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:18,901
It's agenda item 280B,
363
00:13:18,902 --> 00:13:21,804
a motion to construct
a dog park
364
00:13:21,805 --> 00:13:23,573
on municipal lot 48.
365
00:13:23,574 --> 00:13:26,175
Ms. Ludgate,
you have the floor.
366
00:13:26,176 --> 00:13:27,644
Thank you,
Councilman Jamm.
367
00:13:27,645 --> 00:13:30,146
Your help
and general non-awfulness
368
00:13:30,147 --> 00:13:31,614
is much appreciated.
369
00:13:31,615 --> 00:13:34,116
Leslie,
members of the Council,
370
00:13:34,617 --> 00:13:37,653
I believe that municipal lot 48
should be a dog park.
371
00:13:37,654 --> 00:13:39,288
Boo.
Boo.
372
00:13:39,289 --> 00:13:41,890
Well, it sounds like there's
considerable opposition to this,
373
00:13:41,891 --> 00:13:43,158
so I'm sorry,
Ms. Ludgate,
374
00:13:43,159 --> 00:13:44,593
you should go now.
375
00:13:44,594 --> 00:13:46,262
Really?
I just heard one hag booing.
376
00:13:46,263 --> 00:13:49,497
Ladies, please,
let's keep this civil.
377
00:13:49,498 --> 00:13:51,999
Councilman,
Pawneeans,
378
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,602
satisfied customers
of Jamm Orthodontics,
379
00:13:54,603 --> 00:13:58,306
as we discuss what type of park
to put on lot 48,
380
00:13:58,307 --> 00:14:00,040
I had a thought.
381
00:14:00,791 --> 00:14:01,842
How about no park?
382
00:14:02,343 --> 00:14:04,478
Who here thinks
parks are stupid?
383
00:14:04,479 --> 00:14:06,813
Let the record show that
everyone is raising their hands.
384
00:14:06,814 --> 00:14:10,417
I happen to know for a fact
that Pawnee's favorite
385
00:14:10,418 --> 00:14:13,353
fast food restaurant, Paunch Burger,
needs a new location.
386
00:14:13,354 --> 00:14:15,822
Now, seeing as how the future
of lot 48 is open
387
00:14:15,823 --> 00:14:18,625
for debate, I move
we sell it to Paunch Burger
388
00:14:18,626 --> 00:14:20,559
for a nice profit.
389
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:24,963
You don't even have to be Asian
to do math that simple.
390
00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:26,632
You told me
you wanted a dog park.
391
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,467
Uh, psych.
392
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,503
That's not fair.
You lied to me.
393
00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:32,371
You just got jammed.
394
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,173
I hate
when he says that.
395
00:14:36,772 --> 00:14:38,573
I told you
that Jamm was a snake.
396
00:14:38,636 --> 00:14:39,970
Well, it takes a snake
to know a snake.
397
00:14:39,971 --> 00:14:41,437
- So now I'm a snake?
- Yes.
398
00:14:41,438 --> 00:14:43,506
You deceived me
for two straight days,
399
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:45,108
and you eat mice.
400
00:14:45,109 --> 00:14:46,442
- I don't eat mice.
- Yes, you do.
401
00:14:46,443 --> 00:14:47,644
You're a mouse eater.
Mouse eater.
402
00:14:47,645 --> 00:14:48,979
- Mouse eater.
- Enough!
403
00:14:48,980 --> 00:14:50,980
You are friends
and coworkers.
404
00:14:51,481 --> 00:14:54,316
In this office, we treat
each other with respect.
405
00:14:54,317 --> 00:14:56,652
Hey, April,
how is that dog park coming?
406
00:14:56,653 --> 00:14:58,954
- Get out, Jerry.
- This is private!
407
00:14:58,955 --> 00:15:01,257
Sorry, guys.
408
00:15:01,258 --> 00:15:03,192
We are not leaving here
until you two figure this out.
409
00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:04,860
Ron, guard the door.
410
00:15:04,861 --> 00:15:05,994
Yes, sir.
411
00:15:06,995 --> 00:15:10,331
No one leaves the Octagon.
412
00:15:10,332 --> 00:15:11,532
I dated an ultimate fighter.
413
00:15:11,533 --> 00:15:13,601
It was like a thing he said.
414
00:15:14,502 --> 00:15:15,703
What's the play here,
officer?
415
00:15:15,704 --> 00:15:16,870
You gonna set up a perimeter,
416
00:15:16,871 --> 00:15:18,606
maybe bug a few phones?
417
00:15:18,607 --> 00:15:19,707
Ooh, I know.
We could put out
418
00:15:19,708 --> 00:15:20,775
a dummy computer
for them to steal,
419
00:15:20,776 --> 00:15:22,343
fill it with explosives first,
420
00:15:23,344 --> 00:15:24,978
Boom, take 'em all out.
421
00:15:25,779 --> 00:15:27,281
Yeah, we're not doing
any of that.
422
00:15:27,282 --> 00:15:29,382
Andy, I love your enthusiasm,
but we don't really have
423
00:15:29,383 --> 00:15:31,651
the kind of money to launch
a massive investigation.
424
00:15:32,652 --> 00:15:34,987
You're just gonna fill out
this stupid report
425
00:15:34,988 --> 00:15:36,055
and that's it?
426
00:15:36,056 --> 00:15:37,156
As a future cop,
you have to understand,
427
00:15:37,157 --> 00:15:38,491
I cannot let this guy go.
428
00:15:38,492 --> 00:15:41,795
Look, man, this is
what most police work is.
429
00:15:42,246 --> 00:15:44,346
Just writing stuff down.
430
00:15:44,347 --> 00:15:46,815
It's not superhero time.
431
00:15:46,816 --> 00:15:48,583
If it sounds boring,
432
00:15:48,584 --> 00:15:50,318
maybe you ought
to do something else.
433
00:15:52,088 --> 00:15:54,256
Maybe we should find
the person
434
00:15:54,257 --> 00:15:57,425
who stole
his positive attitude.
435
00:15:57,926 --> 00:15:59,161
Hey, man.
436
00:15:59,162 --> 00:16:01,295
Hey, man.
Get any more job offers
437
00:16:01,296 --> 00:16:02,763
since I last saw you?
438
00:16:02,764 --> 00:16:04,999
Yeah, but it was
just a management position
439
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:06,000
at Urban Outfitters.
440
00:16:06,001 --> 00:16:07,301
I turned it down.
441
00:16:07,302 --> 00:16:09,136
I don't know, man.
Maybe I can't hack this.
442
00:16:09,137 --> 00:16:10,637
Maybe I should take
a cue from you
443
00:16:10,638 --> 00:16:12,706
and stick
with my boring day job.
444
00:16:12,707 --> 00:16:15,642
Well, my accounting job
isn't boring.
445
00:16:15,643 --> 00:16:16,876
If it was
remotely interesting,
446
00:16:16,877 --> 00:16:18,144
there would be a show
on A&E about it.
447
00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:20,146
They have a show
about storage unit auctions.
448
00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:22,048
Fair point.
449
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:23,950
Look, if you're passionate
about this,
450
00:16:23,951 --> 00:16:25,718
keep at it.
Things will turn around.
451
00:16:25,719 --> 00:16:27,954
Also can you tell me what time
452
00:16:27,955 --> 00:16:30,423
that show
about storage units is on?
453
00:16:30,424 --> 00:16:32,425
9:30.
454
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:34,977
All right,
I'm gonna have to force this.
455
00:16:34,978 --> 00:16:37,045
Leslie,
maybe you want to admit
456
00:16:37,046 --> 00:16:38,681
that you haven't been
the greatest role model.
457
00:16:38,682 --> 00:16:40,148
I don't care.
Orin's my role model.
458
00:16:40,149 --> 00:16:42,050
April, maybe you want
to admit
459
00:16:42,051 --> 00:16:43,352
that you've been
a little selfish
460
00:16:43,353 --> 00:16:45,221
and inconsiderate.
461
00:16:45,222 --> 00:16:48,456
Look, all I ever wanted was
for you to show the enthusiasm
462
00:16:48,457 --> 00:16:50,725
you showed for your dog park,
and, when you did,
463
00:16:50,726 --> 00:16:52,627
I blew it.
464
00:16:52,628 --> 00:16:54,195
- And I'm sorry.
- Fine.
465
00:16:54,196 --> 00:16:57,064
I'm sorry that I outsmarted
you at every turn.
466
00:16:57,065 --> 00:17:00,101
- April.
- And I know I have a lot
467
00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:02,303
to learn from you,
and I'm sorry
468
00:17:02,304 --> 00:17:04,438
that I disrespected
your stupid dream.
469
00:17:04,439 --> 00:17:07,340
A lot of love
in this room.
470
00:17:07,341 --> 00:17:10,411
- I'm very, very sorry.
- Me too.
471
00:17:10,862 --> 00:17:13,096
- I love you very much.
- I love you too.
472
00:17:13,097 --> 00:17:14,364
I don't want to do this
in front of her.
473
00:17:14,365 --> 00:17:16,199
- Okay.
- Okay, Ann,
474
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,918
since you're such a genius,
what do we do now?
475
00:17:17,919 --> 00:17:19,620
Neither of you want Jamm
to win, nor do I,
476
00:17:19,621 --> 00:17:21,287
because I hate Paunch Burger,
477
00:17:21,288 --> 00:17:23,122
but, if there is one in
my backyard, I will eat there,
478
00:17:23,123 --> 00:17:25,658
like, every night,
and that is no good.
479
00:17:25,659 --> 00:17:27,860
So I say we stop playing dirty
with each other,
480
00:17:27,861 --> 00:17:29,829
and we start playing dirty
with Jamm.
481
00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:31,764
Yes. We'll have triple-sex with him.
482
00:17:31,765 --> 00:17:33,833
No. I have an idea.
It's very uncool,
483
00:17:33,834 --> 00:17:35,568
but it's not illegal,
technically,
484
00:17:35,569 --> 00:17:37,803
but it is a dick move.
485
00:17:37,804 --> 00:17:38,804
I love it.
486
00:17:38,805 --> 00:17:40,305
Hey, Captain.
487
00:17:40,306 --> 00:17:41,606
Status update:
488
00:17:41,607 --> 00:17:44,609
My new suspect--the dude
who runs Carpet Emporium.
489
00:17:44,610 --> 00:17:45,911
The way I figure it is,
490
00:17:45,912 --> 00:17:48,747
criminals love to wrap things
up in rugs.
491
00:17:48,748 --> 00:17:51,917
Plus, he yelled at me when I
tried to unroll 'em all, so...
492
00:17:51,918 --> 00:17:53,383
Andy, while I appreciate
your dedication
493
00:17:53,384 --> 00:17:54,685
to finding this criminal,
494
00:17:54,686 --> 00:17:56,520
I think you might want
to take into account
495
00:17:56,521 --> 00:17:57,521
what the policeman said.
496
00:17:57,522 --> 00:17:58,823
I mean, gosh,
497
00:17:58,824 --> 00:18:02,593
if I can't even investigate
bad guys,
498
00:18:02,594 --> 00:18:04,995
why become a cop at all?
499
00:18:04,996 --> 00:18:06,430
What are you doing?
500
00:18:06,431 --> 00:18:07,631
When I get bummed out,
I take my shirt off
501
00:18:07,632 --> 00:18:09,766
because the bad feelings
make me feel sweaty.
502
00:18:11,268 --> 00:18:13,369
You know what,
maybe I should bail
503
00:18:13,370 --> 00:18:14,771
on being a cop.
504
00:18:15,272 --> 00:18:18,441
City Hall needs
a new part-time security guard
505
00:18:18,442 --> 00:18:19,776
for the weekends.
506
00:18:19,777 --> 00:18:20,877
You want to do that?
507
00:18:20,878 --> 00:18:22,679
Look at it as a way
to feel out
508
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:23,880
whether you want
to be a police officer.
509
00:18:23,881 --> 00:18:25,881
But, keep in mind,
if you take this job,
510
00:18:25,882 --> 00:18:28,149
you must keep your clothes on
at all times,
511
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:29,217
even if you get sad.
512
00:18:29,218 --> 00:18:31,954
No deal.
513
00:18:31,955 --> 00:18:33,054
Okay, I'll do it.
514
00:18:33,055 --> 00:18:35,524
- That a boy.
- I'll do it. I promise.
515
00:18:35,525 --> 00:18:36,992
And I get a gun,
516
00:18:36,993 --> 00:18:38,694
and I can point it
in people's faces.
517
00:18:38,695 --> 00:18:39,862
Incorrect.
518
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:44,966
Hey.
What the hell is going on?
519
00:18:45,267 --> 00:18:47,067
Oh, hello, Councilman.
520
00:18:47,068 --> 00:18:48,870
The dogs are here
because there's no dog park
521
00:18:48,871 --> 00:18:51,405
in your neighborhood,
and the kids are here
522
00:18:51,406 --> 00:18:53,040
because there's no human park
in your area.
523
00:18:53,041 --> 00:18:54,876
They all needed
a place to play.
524
00:18:54,877 --> 00:18:56,076
My front lawn?
525
00:18:56,077 --> 00:18:57,076
That's right,
526
00:18:57,077 --> 00:18:58,211
and they're gonna keep using it
527
00:18:58,212 --> 00:19:00,346
until there's
an actual park nearby.
528
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:02,215
Hey, hey, lady,
get that thing off my gnome.
529
00:19:02,216 --> 00:19:04,317
He is dry-humping
my garden gnome.
530
00:19:04,318 --> 00:19:07,854
- Stupid beast.
- Councilman Jamm, we just need
531
00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:09,589
a little bit more time
to design our park.
532
00:19:09,590 --> 00:19:11,525
And, if you plow through
and ignore us,
533
00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,091
this is gonna be your life.
534
00:19:13,092 --> 00:19:15,027
I'll call the police.
535
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:17,696
Yeah, sic the police
on a bunch of kids and puppies.
536
00:19:17,697 --> 00:19:20,833
- That's a great photo op.
- Fine.
537
00:19:21,184 --> 00:19:22,334
Gentleman's agreement.
538
00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:24,904
In 90 days,
we'll put our plans to a vote.
539
00:19:24,905 --> 00:19:26,238
- Winner take all.
- Deal.
540
00:19:26,239 --> 00:19:28,273
Great, now call off
the actual dogs.
541
00:19:28,274 --> 00:19:29,741
I want these kids
off my lawn.
542
00:19:29,742 --> 00:19:31,676
I want that hula hoop
off my 'Vette.
543
00:19:31,677 --> 00:19:34,746
Right now.
Hey, Jamm.
544
00:19:34,747 --> 00:19:38,082
You just got knoped.
And ludgated.
545
00:19:38,083 --> 00:19:40,351
- And perkinsed.
- Ha-ha.
546
00:19:40,352 --> 00:19:41,819
Nice try.
It didn't work.
547
00:19:41,820 --> 00:19:44,022
You just got jammed.
548
00:19:45,456 --> 00:19:47,591
Okay, so let's get to work.
549
00:19:47,592 --> 00:19:50,060
Wait, wait, wait, do you
never just take a second
550
00:19:50,061 --> 00:19:51,428
to enjoy things?
551
00:19:51,429 --> 00:19:52,529
I just said,
"Let's get to work."
552
00:19:52,530 --> 00:19:54,164
How else do people enjoy things?
553
00:19:54,539 --> 00:20:00,638
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
554
00:20:01,539 --> 00:20:04,638
I know you changed your mind
the last time
555
00:20:04,639 --> 00:20:05,905
we offered you a job,
556
00:20:05,906 --> 00:20:07,073
but we are just thrilled
557
00:20:07,074 --> 00:20:08,208
that you changed it again.
558
00:20:08,209 --> 00:20:09,242
Thank you.
Me too.
559
00:20:09,243 --> 00:20:11,444
This is our best office.
560
00:20:11,445 --> 00:20:13,446
As you can see
through the window,
561
00:20:13,447 --> 00:20:15,948
you have a great view
of the billing department.
562
00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:19,051
- Hey, Sharon!
- Shh.
563
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:20,753
Sorry.
She's fun.
564
00:20:20,754 --> 00:20:21,986
So, please,
565
00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:24,055
if there's anything we can do
566
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,757
to make you happier
in your new job,
567
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:27,158
just let me know.
568
00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:28,827
Oh, no,
this is great, Barney.
569
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,995
Thank you.
570
00:20:32,296 --> 00:20:34,500
But I have to quit
571
00:20:34,596 --> 00:20:35,800
again.
572
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:39,002
What-- ohh!
Is this a classic Ben joke?
573
00:20:39,003 --> 00:20:41,439
No.
I'm really sorry.
574
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,241
But I just don't want
to do this.
575
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:47,177
I need to move my life
in another direction.
576
00:20:47,178 --> 00:20:50,514
This is disappointing.
Again.
577
00:20:51,015 --> 00:20:53,583
Maybe someday we'll figure out
the magic formula
578
00:20:53,584 --> 00:20:55,585
that gets you to work here.
579
00:20:55,586 --> 00:20:59,188
Well, formulas are my formula
for moolah.
580
00:21:00,824 --> 00:21:03,560
Ted, get in here!
581
00:21:03,561 --> 00:21:07,530
Ben's quitting again,
but you gotta hear what he said.
582
00:21:07,531 --> 00:21:09,266
Leslie's been saying for weeks
I should do something
583
00:21:09,267 --> 00:21:11,734
I love,
and she's right.
584
00:21:11,735 --> 00:21:14,804
And I'll help Tom or maybe try
to do that TV thing
585
00:21:14,805 --> 00:21:17,506
or maybe work
for the Sweetums foundation.
586
00:21:17,507 --> 00:21:18,908
I don't know.
Life is short.
587
00:21:18,909 --> 00:21:20,777
Why be an accountant,
you know?
588
00:21:20,778 --> 00:21:23,846
I mean, other than the stability
and the health plan
589
00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:26,014
and the above-average pay.
590
00:21:28,217 --> 00:21:30,618
Oh, God,
this better work out.