1 00:00:28,942 --> 00:00:30,580 If I could sum up the Pawnee Commons 2 00:00:30,592 --> 00:00:32,710 in one word, it would be: 3 00:00:33,142 --> 00:00:34,510 Dynamite. 4 00:00:34,512 --> 00:00:37,580 "Dynamite" stands for daring, youth-friendly, 5 00:00:37,582 --> 00:00:40,082 natural, amazing, merry, inviting, 6 00:00:40,084 --> 00:00:43,252 tourist attraction-y, and eco-friendly. 7 00:00:43,254 --> 00:00:44,804 Thank you, Councilwoman Knope-- 8 00:00:44,806 --> 00:00:45,939 very, very thorough 9 00:00:45,941 --> 00:00:48,191 - and so many acronyms. - I know. 10 00:00:48,193 --> 00:00:49,192 Councilman Jamm? 11 00:00:49,194 --> 00:00:50,193 Thank you, Bill. 12 00:00:50,195 --> 00:00:52,762 No, please, everyone be seated. 13 00:00:52,764 --> 00:00:56,097 Let the record show there was a standing ovation. 14 00:00:56,351 --> 00:00:57,850 - No, there wasn't. - There was not. 15 00:00:57,852 --> 00:00:58,968 History will decide. 16 00:00:58,970 --> 00:01:01,271 My plan for lot 48 is simple. 17 00:01:01,273 --> 00:01:02,605 But why read it 18 00:01:02,607 --> 00:01:05,692 when you can shove it right in your face? 19 00:01:05,694 --> 00:01:06,993 I want to sell this lot to Paunch Burger. 20 00:01:06,995 --> 00:01:07,994 Here's why. 21 00:01:07,996 --> 00:01:09,478 We make money. They make money. 22 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,447 They make burgers. We eat burgers. 23 00:01:11,449 --> 00:01:12,448 Mmhmm. 24 00:01:12,450 --> 00:01:14,701 That's a win-win-win-win. 25 00:01:14,703 --> 00:01:16,586 Presentation over. Jamm out. 26 00:01:16,588 --> 00:01:17,820 Oh, man. 27 00:01:17,822 --> 00:01:19,872 Are there curly fries? I love their curly fries. 28 00:01:19,874 --> 00:01:21,490 Ann. 29 00:01:21,492 --> 00:01:23,426 Well, the planning commission has a week to decide 30 00:01:23,428 --> 00:01:26,429 if they want a beautiful, innovative community park 31 00:01:26,431 --> 00:01:28,548 or a bunch of greasy lard bombs. 32 00:01:28,550 --> 00:01:29,849 I'm not editorializing. 33 00:01:29,851 --> 00:01:32,268 Paunch Burger's number-one-selling burger 34 00:01:32,270 --> 00:01:34,070 is the greasy lard bomb. 35 00:01:34,072 --> 00:01:36,389 Just give me a hint as to which way you guys are leaning. 36 00:01:36,391 --> 00:01:38,608 Off the record? We're leaning towards Jamm. 37 00:01:38,610 --> 00:01:40,810 Why? You know my plan is better for the community. 38 00:01:40,812 --> 00:01:44,145 Oh, it's way better, but you're also short $50,000. 39 00:01:44,349 --> 00:01:46,449 We can't approve an underfunded project. 40 00:01:46,451 --> 00:01:47,850 Hey, get the rest of the money, 41 00:01:47,852 --> 00:01:49,352 you get your park. 42 00:01:49,354 --> 00:01:50,820 You only have a week. 43 00:01:50,822 --> 00:01:52,572 What are we going to do, guys? 44 00:01:52,574 --> 00:01:53,957 How are we going to get that money? 45 00:01:53,959 --> 00:01:56,709 Hey, come on. Cheer up, little pups. 46 00:01:56,711 --> 00:01:57,877 Registering for your wedding 47 00:01:57,879 --> 00:01:59,495 is the most important moment of your lives. 48 00:01:59,497 --> 00:02:01,331 Love-- love fades away. 49 00:02:01,333 --> 00:02:04,417 But things... 50 00:02:04,419 --> 00:02:06,252 - Things are forever. - That's beautiful. 51 00:02:06,254 --> 00:02:08,087 Did the Dalai Lama say that? 52 00:02:08,089 --> 00:02:10,923 Ooh! A citrus reamer! 53 00:02:10,925 --> 00:02:12,925 Oh, this is the only way to ream citrus. 54 00:02:12,927 --> 00:02:13,926 You're gonna need two of these. 55 00:02:13,928 --> 00:02:14,978 I don't want a citrus reamer. 56 00:02:14,980 --> 00:02:16,379 I don't want any of this stuff. 57 00:02:16,381 --> 00:02:18,881 Look, all I want is to be married to you 58 00:02:18,883 --> 00:02:21,851 and to somehow get $50,000. 59 00:02:21,853 --> 00:02:23,719 Hey, hang on. 60 00:02:23,721 --> 00:02:26,356 What if we register for the park instead of the stuff? 61 00:02:26,358 --> 00:02:28,858 We could organize a black-tie gala 62 00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:29,942 with food and music 63 00:02:29,944 --> 00:02:32,028 and maybe a silent auction to raise money. 64 00:02:32,030 --> 00:02:33,446 Yeah, and people could donate, 65 00:02:33,448 --> 00:02:34,947 or they could bid to put their names 66 00:02:34,949 --> 00:02:35,949 on everything in the park, 67 00:02:35,950 --> 00:02:37,583 like benches, cobblestones, 68 00:02:37,585 --> 00:02:39,118 trees, ants, air. 69 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:40,370 Right, some of that is possible. 70 00:02:40,372 --> 00:02:42,005 - You are a genius. Let's go. - Okay. 71 00:02:42,007 --> 00:02:43,172 Hey, guys. 72 00:02:43,174 --> 00:02:46,342 I'm really feeling these sheets--very cozy. 73 00:02:49,347 --> 00:02:53,680 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 74 00:03:06,530 --> 00:03:08,197 I just want to say thank you 75 00:03:08,199 --> 00:03:09,649 for all your hard work this week. 76 00:03:09,651 --> 00:03:10,700 Give yourselves a hand. 77 00:03:12,404 --> 00:03:13,986 But your applause is premature. 78 00:03:13,988 --> 00:03:15,571 You just told us to applaud. 79 00:03:15,573 --> 00:03:17,707 Well, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? 80 00:03:17,709 --> 00:03:19,325 I hope so, because the only way 81 00:03:19,327 --> 00:03:20,460 that this gala is going to happen 82 00:03:20,462 --> 00:03:21,711 is if you do everything I say. 83 00:03:21,713 --> 00:03:23,212 Tom, I need you to contact 84 00:03:23,214 --> 00:03:24,747 three more food vendors on this list, 85 00:03:24,749 --> 00:03:25,998 and they need to do it for free. 86 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,166 I'm omelet. 87 00:03:27,168 --> 00:03:28,251 Get it? "I'm on it," "I'm omelet"? 88 00:03:28,253 --> 00:03:29,469 I get it, and I love it, 89 00:03:29,471 --> 00:03:31,087 but I don't have time for food puns right now. 90 00:03:31,089 --> 00:03:32,171 Okay, I'm heading out. Good-pie. 91 00:03:32,173 --> 00:03:33,506 Go. 92 00:03:33,508 --> 00:03:35,508 Gurt. Go-gurt. I'm incredible. 93 00:03:35,510 --> 00:03:36,509 See you guys. 94 00:03:36,511 --> 00:03:37,510 Okay. Donna, Jerry-- 95 00:03:38,513 --> 00:03:39,795 Leslie! 96 00:03:39,797 --> 00:03:41,931 Leslie, we need you back at the command center right now! 97 00:03:41,933 --> 00:03:43,483 We have a class-one city emergency. 98 00:03:43,485 --> 00:03:45,101 Oh, my God. Gayle. 99 00:03:45,103 --> 00:03:46,769 My girls! 100 00:03:46,771 --> 00:03:47,904 What's the emergency? 101 00:03:47,906 --> 00:03:49,472 Oh, this is just a drill, 102 00:03:49,474 --> 00:03:51,307 but I am having so much fun pretending it's real. 103 00:03:51,309 --> 00:03:52,475 Are you kidding me? 104 00:03:52,477 --> 00:03:54,694 The disaster-preparedness people picked today? 105 00:03:54,696 --> 00:03:57,280 Each year every city in Indiana is reviewed 106 00:03:57,282 --> 00:03:59,415 by the Department of Emergency Preparedness. 107 00:03:59,417 --> 00:04:02,502 And Pawnee has failed 12 years in a row. 108 00:04:02,504 --> 00:04:04,954 On last year's report, they stated, 109 00:04:04,956 --> 00:04:07,757 "Every time it so much as drizzles in Pawnee, 110 00:04:07,759 --> 00:04:09,258 "the town is in danger of collapsing 111 00:04:09,260 --> 00:04:11,677 into Thunderdome-style, post-apocalyptic mayhem." 112 00:04:11,679 --> 00:04:14,931 Okay, we don't know how long Leslie's going to be gone, 113 00:04:14,933 --> 00:04:17,467 so let's just knock some of this stuff off. 114 00:04:17,469 --> 00:04:19,802 Should someone stop Jerry? 115 00:04:21,022 --> 00:04:23,189 Gayle! 116 00:04:23,191 --> 00:04:26,342 Eh, he'll figure it out eventually. 117 00:04:26,344 --> 00:04:28,277 First, we do the written exam, 118 00:04:28,279 --> 00:04:30,696 and then we do the personality evaluation, 119 00:04:30,698 --> 00:04:33,282 which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cause people always say, 120 00:04:33,284 --> 00:04:35,401 "But he's got a great personality." 121 00:04:36,653 --> 00:04:38,488 Okay, quiz me. 122 00:04:38,490 --> 00:04:41,823 Okay, what does it mean when an officer calls in a 3542? 123 00:04:42,026 --> 00:04:44,193 Assault and battery. The way I remember that, 124 00:04:44,195 --> 00:04:48,228 I picture 35 a-salt shakers and 42 batteries. 125 00:04:48,716 --> 00:04:51,033 Great. What is the criminal code for arson? 126 00:04:51,035 --> 00:04:52,335 Arson is 533. 127 00:04:52,337 --> 00:04:53,469 You know how I remember that? 128 00:04:53,471 --> 00:04:56,172 I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries 129 00:04:56,174 --> 00:04:57,473 lighting a building on fire. 130 00:04:57,475 --> 00:04:59,142 Oh, I'm nervous. 131 00:04:59,144 --> 00:05:00,709 Babe, look at me. 132 00:05:00,711 --> 00:05:02,011 You are going to pass this test, 133 00:05:02,013 --> 00:05:03,346 and you are going to become a cop. 134 00:05:03,348 --> 00:05:05,848 And if you don't, I'll just divorce you 135 00:05:05,850 --> 00:05:07,016 and marry someone else 136 00:05:07,018 --> 00:05:08,684 and then cheat on them with you. 137 00:05:08,686 --> 00:05:11,320 Aw, that's so sweet. 138 00:05:11,322 --> 00:05:14,056 Also, I got you a lucky charm. 139 00:05:14,058 --> 00:05:15,441 I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road, 140 00:05:15,443 --> 00:05:17,610 and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm. 141 00:05:17,612 --> 00:05:20,530 Baby, you are so creepy. 142 00:05:20,532 --> 00:05:22,898 Thank you. I love it. 143 00:05:22,900 --> 00:05:24,867 Dwyer, you're up. 144 00:05:25,269 --> 00:05:26,669 My name is Leonard Tchulm. 145 00:05:26,671 --> 00:05:28,004 I'm head of the Indiana Department 146 00:05:28,006 --> 00:05:30,039 of Emergency Preparedness. 147 00:05:30,041 --> 00:05:31,290 And today I'm going to bring 148 00:05:31,292 --> 00:05:33,042 death and destruction to your town. 149 00:05:33,544 --> 00:05:36,179 I am Leslie Knope. I am the Pawnee Emergency Czar. 150 00:05:36,181 --> 00:05:38,264 And this year, we are more than prepared for your test, 151 00:05:38,266 --> 00:05:41,417 but, um, it just so happens, today is a little inconvenient. 152 00:05:41,419 --> 00:05:43,135 Good, because the best day for a drill 153 00:05:43,137 --> 00:05:44,587 is when it's inconvenient for everyone. 154 00:05:44,589 --> 00:05:46,755 My mother is getting a colonoscopy today. 155 00:05:46,757 --> 00:05:48,941 I'm not even sure there's anyone there to drive her home, 156 00:05:48,943 --> 00:05:50,860 so we're all making sacrifices, Ms. Knope. 157 00:05:50,862 --> 00:05:52,695 Well, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. 158 00:05:52,697 --> 00:05:54,397 Mm, we're not that close. 159 00:05:54,399 --> 00:05:55,898 Oh. Good. 160 00:05:56,901 --> 00:05:58,934 Okay, volunteer victims, 161 00:05:58,936 --> 00:06:00,936 please put your identification placards on now 162 00:06:00,938 --> 00:06:03,122 and go to your designated areas throughout town. 163 00:06:03,124 --> 00:06:04,957 First Responders, return to your stations, 164 00:06:04,959 --> 00:06:06,959 and the simulation begins... 165 00:06:06,961 --> 00:06:09,745 N-n-n... 166 00:06:12,549 --> 00:06:14,800 Went past the zero. 167 00:06:14,802 --> 00:06:17,386 I got to wait till it goes... 168 00:06:19,122 --> 00:06:20,139 Okay, now. 169 00:06:20,141 --> 00:06:21,790 All right, officers, bolt the doors. 170 00:06:21,792 --> 00:06:23,893 We are officially in lockdown mode. 171 00:06:23,895 --> 00:06:25,177 The doors will not open 172 00:06:25,179 --> 00:06:27,763 until Leonard announces that this drill is complete. 173 00:06:27,765 --> 00:06:28,964 The most important event 174 00:06:28,966 --> 00:06:30,683 that I have ever organized in my entire life 175 00:06:30,685 --> 00:06:34,018 is happening in eight hours, and I am stuck in this room. 176 00:06:34,072 --> 00:06:36,472 This is a nightmare. 177 00:06:36,474 --> 00:06:39,492 Wait. Maybe this is a nightmare. 178 00:06:41,861 --> 00:06:43,362 Nope, can't fly away. 179 00:06:43,364 --> 00:06:44,614 This is real life. 180 00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:48,614 And now, I'm going to open one of these ten envelopes at random 181 00:06:49,752 --> 00:06:51,452 to determine your simulated disaster. 182 00:06:52,505 --> 00:06:55,056 Pawnee has been hit by... 183 00:06:55,058 --> 00:06:56,340 A strain of avian flu. 184 00:06:56,342 --> 00:06:58,375 Yes! Avian flu! Jackpot. 185 00:06:58,377 --> 00:06:59,810 This is a simple one, guys. 186 00:06:59,812 --> 00:07:01,479 Everybody open their binders, okay? 187 00:07:01,481 --> 00:07:04,182 - "The Knope Protocol"? - Uh, correction. 188 00:07:04,184 --> 00:07:07,235 That's "Mission Im-Pawnee-able: Knope Protocol." 189 00:07:07,237 --> 00:07:09,353 Now, if everyone just follows my instructions, 190 00:07:09,355 --> 00:07:11,906 we will ace this test, and we will be done in 90 minutes. 191 00:07:11,908 --> 00:07:14,725 "Step one-- insert the DVD scenario." 192 00:07:14,727 --> 00:07:16,727 Hmm, what could be on this? 193 00:07:16,729 --> 00:07:18,896 Good evening, this is Channel 4 lead anchor 194 00:07:18,898 --> 00:07:20,231 Willow Tremaine, with breaking news. 195 00:07:20,233 --> 00:07:23,167 Avian flu has just hit the town of Pawnee. 196 00:07:23,169 --> 00:07:25,536 We go live now to St. Joseph's Medical Center 197 00:07:25,538 --> 00:07:27,238 for an update. 198 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:28,372 Hello, my name is 199 00:07:28,374 --> 00:07:30,124 Donatella Breckinridge, M.D. I graduated 200 00:07:30,126 --> 00:07:31,927 first in my class from Harvard Medical School, 201 00:07:31,928 --> 00:07:33,077 so I know what I'm talking about. 202 00:07:33,079 --> 00:07:36,214 This is the avian flu, or we call "H5N1." 203 00:07:36,216 --> 00:07:39,250 Donna, are we on schedule for the tent setup? 204 00:07:39,252 --> 00:07:41,269 The tables showed up, which is good, 205 00:07:41,271 --> 00:07:43,271 but there are no chairs, which is bad. 206 00:07:43,273 --> 00:07:46,606 Okay, well, get some chairs from somewhere. 207 00:07:47,610 --> 00:07:49,977 Great leadership-- inspiring. 208 00:07:49,979 --> 00:07:52,530 Oh, God. Leslie was gonna go on Pawnee Today 209 00:07:52,532 --> 00:07:55,865 - to promote the gala. - I'll do it. 210 00:07:55,868 --> 00:07:58,536 No offense, Ron, but I don't think you'd be great on TV. 211 00:07:58,538 --> 00:08:01,205 I can speak in full sentences, and I won't cry. 212 00:08:01,707 --> 00:08:04,540 Fair point. I did cry last time. 213 00:08:04,544 --> 00:08:06,961 Godspeed. 214 00:08:06,963 --> 00:08:10,296 Mmm! Smells amazing, Chef. What you cooking? 215 00:08:10,466 --> 00:08:12,583 Little coq au vin? Little bouillabaisse? 216 00:08:12,585 --> 00:08:14,919 You can stop the ass-kissing, Haverford. 217 00:08:14,921 --> 00:08:17,305 I know why you're here. I cannot do the gala. 218 00:08:17,307 --> 00:08:18,622 It doesn't make business sense 219 00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:20,141 to cater something that big for free. 220 00:08:20,143 --> 00:08:22,476 Please. If the gala doesn't go perfectly, 221 00:08:22,478 --> 00:08:23,978 the lot could become a Paunch Burger. 222 00:08:23,980 --> 00:08:26,264 Doesn't that offend your refined Parisian sensibilities? 223 00:08:26,266 --> 00:08:27,815 I'm from Orlando. 224 00:08:27,817 --> 00:08:29,600 And I don't care about the Paunch Burger. 225 00:08:29,602 --> 00:08:32,935 If it was another French restaurant, maybe I'd worry. 226 00:08:34,906 --> 00:08:36,073 Hey! Well, you know what? 227 00:08:36,075 --> 00:08:37,775 What? What? 228 00:08:37,777 --> 00:08:39,643 What you got for me? Get out of my kitchen! 229 00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:40,861 Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. 230 00:08:40,863 --> 00:08:42,114 Pardon! Pardon! 231 00:08:43,116 --> 00:08:44,248 Hey, can you hear me? 232 00:08:44,250 --> 00:08:46,317 Oh! Leslie, you on the TV! 233 00:08:46,319 --> 00:08:47,985 Well, you're on mine, Brett. 234 00:08:47,987 --> 00:08:50,454 - We're having a video conference. - Oh, okay. 235 00:08:50,456 --> 00:08:52,456 Pawnee has been hit with the avian flu. 236 00:08:52,858 --> 00:08:54,959 - Tight. - No, this is bad news. 237 00:08:54,961 --> 00:08:56,794 I need everyone there at Animal Control 238 00:08:56,796 --> 00:08:59,597 to eradicate all the infected birds in town. 239 00:08:59,599 --> 00:09:02,516 "Kill all birds." 240 00:09:02,518 --> 00:09:04,685 - This is for the drill, right? - Yes. 241 00:09:04,687 --> 00:09:07,021 But I'm actually gonna kill these birds for real? 242 00:09:07,023 --> 00:09:08,889 No. No, just pretend. 243 00:09:08,891 --> 00:09:11,675 Right. So how do I kill 'em-- like, with a gun? 244 00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,177 No. 245 00:09:13,179 --> 00:09:15,279 I could fill up a bathtub and just drown 'em one at a time. 246 00:09:15,281 --> 00:09:17,198 Okay, let's forget we ever talked. 247 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,316 Got it. Kill 'em. 248 00:09:18,318 --> 00:09:20,401 Okay, casualty update-- only four dead, 249 00:09:20,403 --> 00:09:23,037 two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers. 250 00:09:23,039 --> 00:09:24,688 That family took a terrible hit. 251 00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:25,823 Well, that's great news. 252 00:09:25,825 --> 00:09:27,691 Not so fast. I regret to inform you 253 00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:29,994 that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms-- 254 00:09:29,996 --> 00:09:32,496 - Christopher Traeger. - What? 255 00:09:32,498 --> 00:09:35,716 A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, 256 00:09:35,718 --> 00:09:37,468 even hypothetical, would have sent me 257 00:09:37,470 --> 00:09:39,536 careening towards Bummerville, 258 00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:42,871 but now I am infected with a killer virus, 259 00:09:43,893 --> 00:09:46,060 and I feel fine. 260 00:09:46,062 --> 00:09:47,395 Therapy! 261 00:09:47,397 --> 00:09:48,813 This is highly irregular. 262 00:09:48,815 --> 00:09:50,547 We have followed protocol to the letter. 263 00:09:50,549 --> 00:09:51,849 No, you did not. 264 00:09:51,851 --> 00:09:53,684 Unfortunately, no one contacted the transit department 265 00:09:53,686 --> 00:09:54,819 to shut down bus service. 266 00:09:54,821 --> 00:09:57,554 So you rode a bus with a contagious man, 267 00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,690 and he infected you and 39 others. 268 00:09:59,692 --> 00:10:01,575 That is impossible. I do not ride the bus. 269 00:10:01,577 --> 00:10:03,727 I ride my bicycle behind the bus as a windbreak. 270 00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:05,396 Doesn't matter. Prepare for the diarrhea. 271 00:10:05,398 --> 00:10:08,065 Okay, who was supposed to deal with Transit? 272 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:15,039 My bad, guys. That's my bad. Chris, very sorry. 273 00:10:15,041 --> 00:10:16,407 Damn it, Jamm. 274 00:10:16,409 --> 00:10:18,242 I should've had animal control kill you. 275 00:10:18,244 --> 00:10:20,244 - Oh, who you want me to kill? - No one. 276 00:10:20,246 --> 00:10:21,578 I'll kill him... 277 00:10:21,580 --> 00:10:23,931 As soon as I'm done with these birds. 278 00:10:24,433 --> 00:10:26,066 Hello. 279 00:10:26,068 --> 00:10:28,901 I'm here for the interview about tonight's gala. 280 00:10:28,938 --> 00:10:31,755 Yeah, listen, I'm a little under the weather. 281 00:10:31,757 --> 00:10:33,424 I went on a booze cruise last week. 282 00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:36,026 It just finished up an hour ago. 283 00:10:36,028 --> 00:10:41,149 On a completely unrelated note, I have horrible allergies. 284 00:10:41,150 --> 00:10:42,683 - I'm sorry to hear that. - Yeah. 285 00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:45,202 But I do need to promote this event. 286 00:10:45,204 --> 00:10:47,154 Don't worry about me. I'm a true professional. 287 00:10:47,156 --> 00:10:49,022 The show must go on. In five, four, three... 288 00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:50,491 Two... 289 00:10:50,493 --> 00:10:53,826 Hello. I'm Joan Callamezzo. 290 00:10:54,213 --> 00:10:57,546 Today's show will not go on. 291 00:11:03,555 --> 00:11:05,406 It seems like her allergies are kicking in. 292 00:11:06,676 --> 00:11:09,009 My name is Ron Swanson. 293 00:11:09,011 --> 00:11:10,394 I am here to tell you 294 00:11:10,396 --> 00:11:13,380 about a black-tie gala fund-raiser for Pawnee Commons 295 00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:14,515 happening tonight. 296 00:11:14,517 --> 00:11:17,251 All proceeds will go toward building a park. 297 00:11:17,253 --> 00:11:19,086 It will be enjoyable. 298 00:11:19,088 --> 00:11:21,021 Take a-- take a phone call. 299 00:11:21,023 --> 00:11:23,173 Now I will take your calls, apparently. 300 00:11:23,175 --> 00:11:24,658 Yes? 301 00:11:24,660 --> 00:11:26,360 Hey, Joan, settle a bet for me. 302 00:11:26,362 --> 00:11:28,696 Who's the sexiest couple in history? 303 00:11:28,698 --> 00:11:30,914 R-Patz and K-Stew, or Bieber-- 304 00:11:34,336 --> 00:11:35,736 Hey, how's it going? 305 00:11:35,738 --> 00:11:39,071 Uh, well, this simulated disaster is a total disaster. 306 00:11:39,175 --> 00:11:40,257 How are you? 307 00:11:40,259 --> 00:11:42,509 Ron subbed for you on Pawnee Today. 308 00:11:42,511 --> 00:11:45,579 Ron who? Ron Swanson? On television? 309 00:11:45,581 --> 00:11:48,215 You know we want people to come, right? 310 00:11:48,217 --> 00:11:49,883 Donna still can't find any chairs. 311 00:11:49,885 --> 00:11:51,135 We don't know where Jerry is. 312 00:11:51,137 --> 00:11:53,220 And now some firemen are using 313 00:11:53,222 --> 00:11:55,806 the lot as a triage center for the emergency drill. 314 00:11:55,808 --> 00:11:57,441 Okay, here's what you do. Listen to me caref-- 315 00:11:57,443 --> 00:11:59,226 Attention. Panic from the outbreak 316 00:11:59,228 --> 00:12:00,861 has overloaded cell phone towers. 317 00:12:00,863 --> 00:12:02,813 Please deposit your phones into this box. 318 00:12:02,815 --> 00:12:04,264 Oh, my God, this drill will never end. 319 00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:05,949 - Okay, tell the firefighters... - All phones. 320 00:12:05,951 --> 00:12:07,735 To set up triage at the high school... 321 00:12:07,737 --> 00:12:08,869 - All phones. - And then to-- 322 00:12:08,871 --> 00:12:09,936 but I'm talking to someone important. 323 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:11,071 - All phones. - Let me tell him 324 00:12:11,073 --> 00:12:12,656 something important. Fix it, Ben! Fix it! 325 00:12:12,658 --> 00:12:13,824 Okay. 326 00:12:13,826 --> 00:12:15,876 What? 327 00:12:15,878 --> 00:12:18,712 I found one chair, got a lead on a second. 328 00:12:18,714 --> 00:12:21,081 Keep me posted. 329 00:12:21,083 --> 00:12:22,949 So this test will determine 330 00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:25,052 whether you have the right personality profile 331 00:12:25,054 --> 00:12:26,136 to be a police officer. 332 00:12:26,138 --> 00:12:28,172 Just to make sure the machine is working, 333 00:12:28,174 --> 00:12:30,424 is your name Andy? 334 00:12:30,426 --> 00:12:32,593 I don't know how to answer that. 335 00:12:32,595 --> 00:12:35,746 - A simple "yes" or "no." - Well, everyone calls me Andy, 336 00:12:35,748 --> 00:12:38,148 but my full name is Andrew, I think, 337 00:12:38,150 --> 00:12:40,484 so... 338 00:12:40,486 --> 00:12:42,236 No? 339 00:12:42,238 --> 00:12:43,970 Wait. Yes. 340 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,305 Let's move on. 341 00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:47,407 Scenario-- a high-school-aged child 342 00:12:47,409 --> 00:12:49,276 asks to hold your service revolver. 343 00:12:49,278 --> 00:12:50,277 What do you do? 344 00:12:50,279 --> 00:12:52,412 Yes, I give it to him. 345 00:12:52,414 --> 00:12:54,782 When I was a kid, I always wanted to hold a cop's gun. 346 00:12:54,784 --> 00:12:57,484 To make that dream come true for another kid-- 347 00:12:57,486 --> 00:13:00,254 Well, that's what being a cop is all about. 348 00:13:00,256 --> 00:13:02,989 Scenario--you pull a car over for speeding. 349 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,324 You find out that it's your father. 350 00:13:04,326 --> 00:13:06,093 - How do you handle the situation? - Ooh. 351 00:13:06,095 --> 00:13:09,428 Well, first, I would be like, 352 00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:11,014 "Dad... 353 00:13:11,016 --> 00:13:13,183 "You're alive? What the hell? 354 00:13:13,185 --> 00:13:15,602 Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?" 355 00:13:15,604 --> 00:13:18,505 Shouldn't you be taking her to lie down somewhere? 356 00:13:18,507 --> 00:13:20,841 Oh, no. If she ever found out that we took her off camera, 357 00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,175 we'd all be fired. 358 00:13:22,177 --> 00:13:24,361 So just, uh, keep taking calls. You're doing great. 359 00:13:24,363 --> 00:13:25,529 Three, two... 360 00:13:25,531 --> 00:13:27,281 Hello, again. 361 00:13:27,283 --> 00:13:28,532 I'm Ron Swanson, 362 00:13:28,534 --> 00:13:30,567 and I am still taking your calls-- 363 00:13:30,569 --> 00:13:32,436 hopefully, about tonight's gala. 364 00:13:32,438 --> 00:13:33,787 You're on the air. 365 00:13:33,789 --> 00:13:36,156 Hi, uh, what's wrong with Joan? 366 00:13:36,158 --> 00:13:38,025 She has a bad hangover, 367 00:13:38,027 --> 00:13:40,327 which she is pretending is allergies. 368 00:13:40,329 --> 00:13:41,829 Is she gonna be okay? 369 00:13:41,831 --> 00:13:44,314 Wouldn't know-- never been hungover. 370 00:13:44,316 --> 00:13:46,183 After I've had too much whiskey, 371 00:13:46,185 --> 00:13:48,051 I cook myself a large flank steak, 372 00:13:48,053 --> 00:13:49,453 pan-fried in salted butter. 373 00:13:49,455 --> 00:13:51,221 I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, 374 00:13:51,223 --> 00:13:52,222 and go to sleep. 375 00:13:52,224 --> 00:13:54,424 - That works? - It does. 376 00:13:54,426 --> 00:13:57,327 Please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala 377 00:13:57,329 --> 00:14:00,030 or one of my other interests-- 378 00:14:00,032 --> 00:14:03,365 Woodworking, uh, novels about tall ships, 379 00:14:03,602 --> 00:14:06,069 meat, that sort of thing. 380 00:14:06,071 --> 00:14:08,522 I'm afraid I have some very bad news. 381 00:14:08,524 --> 00:14:12,857 "I, Chris Traeger, after several sustained hours of diarrhea, 382 00:14:12,995 --> 00:14:15,562 "combined with violent coughing and a devastating fever, 383 00:14:15,564 --> 00:14:18,064 "followed by even more diarrhea, 384 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:20,250 have succumbed to the avian flu." 385 00:14:21,586 --> 00:14:22,603 I'm dead. 386 00:14:22,605 --> 00:14:24,087 I got to say, Leonard, it kind of feels 387 00:14:24,089 --> 00:14:25,589 like you're putting us through the ringer here. 388 00:14:25,591 --> 00:14:27,708 Can you us an idea how long this is gonna take? 389 00:14:27,710 --> 00:14:28,926 Uh... 390 00:14:28,928 --> 00:14:30,344 Probably six to eight more hours. 391 00:14:30,346 --> 00:14:32,512 - Eight more hours? - Nine. 392 00:14:32,514 --> 00:14:34,181 Are all state emergency drills this intensive? 393 00:14:34,183 --> 00:14:37,434 Oh, no, hardly ever. Councilman Jamm requested it. 394 00:14:37,436 --> 00:14:38,769 Oh, really? 395 00:14:38,771 --> 00:14:40,554 Specifically asked that the drill to be done today 396 00:14:40,556 --> 00:14:42,272 and said I should give you everything I got. 397 00:14:42,274 --> 00:14:43,390 Mmhmm. 398 00:14:43,392 --> 00:14:44,424 Guys! Come here. 399 00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:45,726 The game is rigged. 400 00:14:45,728 --> 00:14:47,527 Jamm invited Leonard here, 401 00:14:47,529 --> 00:14:49,763 and he screwed up the bus thing on purpose to slow us down. 402 00:14:49,765 --> 00:14:51,949 It is with a heavy heart that I say, 403 00:14:51,951 --> 00:14:53,784 "We have been jammed." 404 00:14:53,786 --> 00:14:55,602 God, that guy is the worst! 405 00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:58,655 Look, we are stuck in this room until the drill is over. 406 00:14:58,657 --> 00:15:01,074 What are we gonna do? The only thing we can do. 407 00:15:01,076 --> 00:15:03,794 In order to save our park... 408 00:15:03,796 --> 00:15:06,580 We have to destroy the entire town. 409 00:15:07,404 --> 00:15:08,703 Ladies and gentlemen, 410 00:15:08,704 --> 00:15:11,192 we are making some changes to the Knope Protocol. 411 00:15:11,193 --> 00:15:14,256 Ann, how much flu vaccine does the hospital still have? 412 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,426 Enough for 2,000 people. 413 00:15:16,428 --> 00:15:18,128 Great. Why don't you tell the hospital director 414 00:15:18,130 --> 00:15:19,813 - to flush them down the toilet. - You got it. 415 00:15:19,815 --> 00:15:22,599 Chief Fugleberg, I want you to order your officers 416 00:15:22,601 --> 00:15:25,934 to find all the infected birds in the area and perform CPR. 417 00:15:26,472 --> 00:15:27,804 Sorry. Won't they become infected? 418 00:15:27,806 --> 00:15:29,022 That's a risk we're gonna have to take. 419 00:15:29,024 --> 00:15:32,857 Our top priority is now saving all the birds. 420 00:15:32,978 --> 00:15:35,646 And you know what? Why don't we just kick this up a notch? 421 00:15:35,648 --> 00:15:38,532 Oh, no! Pawnee has been hit with... 422 00:15:38,834 --> 00:15:40,033 A tornado quake! 423 00:15:41,035 --> 00:15:43,237 This is Ron. Go ahead, caller. 424 00:15:43,239 --> 00:15:44,655 Hi. 425 00:15:44,657 --> 00:15:47,658 My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. 426 00:15:47,910 --> 00:15:50,160 Is there a cheap way to repair that? 427 00:15:50,162 --> 00:15:51,578 Great question. 428 00:15:51,580 --> 00:15:54,448 Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. 429 00:15:54,450 --> 00:15:55,882 That'll mask the scratches. 430 00:15:55,884 --> 00:15:58,168 Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier 431 00:15:58,170 --> 00:15:59,920 and get yourself a proper dog. 432 00:15:59,922 --> 00:16:02,105 Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, 433 00:16:02,107 --> 00:16:03,406 and cats are pointless. 434 00:16:03,408 --> 00:16:05,442 Come to the gala. Next caller. 435 00:16:05,444 --> 00:16:08,777 Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. 436 00:16:09,281 --> 00:16:11,765 Don't trust big banks or small banks. 437 00:16:11,767 --> 00:16:14,401 Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons. 438 00:16:14,403 --> 00:16:16,970 Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. 439 00:16:16,972 --> 00:16:19,372 Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. 440 00:16:19,374 --> 00:16:21,324 Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." 441 00:16:21,326 --> 00:16:23,143 That's as complicated as it should be 442 00:16:23,145 --> 00:16:25,061 to open a business in this country. 443 00:16:25,063 --> 00:16:27,414 I've seen three movies in my life-- 444 00:16:27,416 --> 00:16:29,616 Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, 445 00:16:29,618 --> 00:16:31,935 and Herbie Fully Loaded. 446 00:16:31,937 --> 00:16:33,937 My girlfriend's kids love it. 447 00:16:34,339 --> 00:16:35,906 It's pretty funny. 448 00:16:35,908 --> 00:16:37,941 Next caller. 449 00:16:40,110 --> 00:16:41,011 Good morning. 450 00:16:41,413 --> 00:16:43,213 And... it is a wrap. 451 00:16:43,215 --> 00:16:45,331 Everyone in Pawnee is dead. 452 00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:47,333 Including Councilman Jamm. 453 00:16:47,335 --> 00:16:50,136 What? No, no, you can't do that. 454 00:16:50,138 --> 00:16:51,271 It says right there, you're dead, 455 00:16:51,273 --> 00:16:53,106 so is everyone you care about. 456 00:16:53,108 --> 00:16:55,174 Oh, well, joke's on you. 457 00:16:55,176 --> 00:16:57,143 I don't have anyone I care about. 458 00:16:57,145 --> 00:16:58,395 Ms. Knope, I'm afraid 459 00:16:58,397 --> 00:17:00,647 I have to once again give Pawnee a failing grade. 460 00:17:00,649 --> 00:17:03,366 This was bad-- Fort Wayne bad. 461 00:17:03,368 --> 00:17:05,518 Bummer. Thank you for your time. 462 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:06,903 I think we're done here. 463 00:17:06,905 --> 00:17:09,623 I will see everyone at the gala, and I will see you in hell. 464 00:17:09,625 --> 00:17:12,292 Yeah, you're too late, Knope. That lot is mine. 465 00:17:12,294 --> 00:17:13,910 I can't hear you. I'm a ghost. 466 00:17:13,912 --> 00:17:16,213 Yeah, well, so am I, so you can hear me! 467 00:17:16,215 --> 00:17:17,530 Ghost jammed! 468 00:17:18,633 --> 00:17:20,050 We got all the way to Muncie 469 00:17:20,052 --> 00:17:22,219 before we realized that it was just a drill. 470 00:17:22,221 --> 00:17:25,038 I mean, all I'm saying is you could've called. 471 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:26,756 No one had your cell number, Big "J." 472 00:17:26,758 --> 00:17:27,924 I find that hard to believe. 473 00:17:27,926 --> 00:17:29,226 Oh, my God, why is everyone standing around? 474 00:17:29,228 --> 00:17:30,877 We have work to do. Status report. 475 00:17:30,879 --> 00:17:32,145 - Status report! - Well-- 476 00:17:32,147 --> 00:17:33,379 Nope, we don't have time for that. 477 00:17:33,381 --> 00:17:34,714 We're gonna have to postpone the gala, 478 00:17:34,716 --> 00:17:36,215 but we can't, because the deadline is tomorrow. 479 00:17:36,217 --> 00:17:38,151 Oh, my God, I destroyed the entire town for nothing. 480 00:17:38,153 --> 00:17:40,219 Leslie, it's okay. 481 00:17:43,107 --> 00:17:46,440 Oh, my God. You did all this? 482 00:17:47,028 --> 00:17:48,394 How did you get food? 483 00:17:48,396 --> 00:17:50,947 I had a classic stroke of Haverford genius. 484 00:17:50,949 --> 00:17:53,083 Who has the most to lose from a new Paunch Burger? 485 00:17:53,085 --> 00:17:54,217 Their competitors. 486 00:17:54,219 --> 00:17:56,586 I got all the other fast-food places in town 487 00:17:56,588 --> 00:17:58,071 to donate food. 488 00:17:58,073 --> 00:18:00,239 I know black tie and chicky tenders isn't the best mix, 489 00:18:00,241 --> 00:18:02,375 - but-- - No, Tom, I love it. 490 00:18:02,377 --> 00:18:05,710 And more importantly, so will all of our more ample citizens. 491 00:18:05,764 --> 00:18:07,080 How did you get the word out? 492 00:18:07,082 --> 00:18:09,916 Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass. 493 00:18:09,918 --> 00:18:12,552 I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy 494 00:18:12,554 --> 00:18:14,087 on his elderly uncle. 495 00:18:14,089 --> 00:18:16,022 It's been a very rewarding day. 496 00:18:16,024 --> 00:18:19,059 Also, I told the firemen they should use the lot as triage 497 00:18:19,061 --> 00:18:21,611 and then gave them and all the dead and wounded 498 00:18:21,613 --> 00:18:23,730 - two free drink tickets. - Wow. 499 00:18:24,032 --> 00:18:27,065 This is great. Thank you so much. 500 00:18:27,902 --> 00:18:29,119 Let's start the gala. 501 00:18:29,621 --> 00:18:32,454 Oh, and thanks for dressing up, Jerry. 502 00:18:42,084 --> 00:18:43,550 - Hello, Chief Fugleberg. - Hey. 503 00:18:43,552 --> 00:18:45,468 That's your buddy Andy Dwyer over there, isn't it? 504 00:18:45,470 --> 00:18:47,787 -Such a shame. - Oh, no. 505 00:18:47,789 --> 00:18:49,956 - Did he fail his test? - It's weird. 506 00:18:49,958 --> 00:18:51,758 He got 100% on his written test-- 507 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,310 first guy in history to do it-- 508 00:18:53,312 --> 00:18:55,795 but he failed his personality examination. 509 00:18:55,797 --> 00:18:57,230 He's a sweet kid-- 510 00:18:57,232 --> 00:18:58,898 just doesn't have what it takes to be a cop. 511 00:18:58,900 --> 00:19:00,233 Oh, Andy. 512 00:19:00,235 --> 00:19:03,302 Too bad. He's certainly something of a genius. 513 00:19:03,304 --> 00:19:05,605 We could use his brains on the force. 514 00:19:05,607 --> 00:19:08,047 Official police wrist lock. You can't hit me. Try to hit me. 515 00:19:09,276 --> 00:19:11,111 Or here, no, try-- it's this hand. 516 00:19:11,113 --> 00:19:13,246 Wrist lock. Boom, too much pain, you can't even hit me. 517 00:19:13,248 --> 00:19:14,647 Try to hit me. 518 00:19:14,649 --> 00:19:16,366 If I had my gun, you wouldn't try to hit me, though, 519 00:19:16,368 --> 00:19:17,784 is the thing. 520 00:19:17,786 --> 00:19:20,486 Uh, if I could have everyone's attention please? 521 00:19:20,488 --> 00:19:23,656 I am so happy to announce that as of one minute ago, 522 00:19:23,658 --> 00:19:25,625 we have reached our fund-raising goal. 523 00:19:28,547 --> 00:19:31,880 Every dollar spent here tonight by you, the community, 524 00:19:32,184 --> 00:19:34,667 will be poured right back into this wonderful project. 525 00:19:34,669 --> 00:19:36,603 And speaking of community, 526 00:19:36,605 --> 00:19:39,672 I'd like to thank my community-- my friends. 527 00:19:39,674 --> 00:19:42,308 It's a lesson that I have learned over and over again, 528 00:19:42,310 --> 00:19:43,509 but it bears repeating-- 529 00:19:43,511 --> 00:19:45,178 No one achieves anything alone. 530 00:19:47,115 --> 00:19:49,315 Without further ado, the best band in Pawnee-- 531 00:19:49,317 --> 00:19:50,316 Mouse Rat. 532 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,186 ♪ Park 533 00:19:53,188 --> 00:19:56,521 ♪ we will build it, the park ♪ 534 00:19:56,792 --> 00:19:59,743 ♪ it's not built yet, the park ♪ 535 00:19:59,745 --> 00:20:03,078 ♪ soon there will be a park 536 00:20:03,364 --> 00:20:04,881 Thank you. 537 00:20:04,883 --> 00:20:06,249 ♪ Park 538 00:20:06,751 --> 00:20:09,584 I thought you should see why Leslie tanked the drill. 539 00:20:09,888 --> 00:20:12,705 Councilman Jamm used you as a stalling tactic, 540 00:20:12,707 --> 00:20:16,040 hoping it would kill Leslie's park project. 541 00:20:16,395 --> 00:20:18,478 If the test were any other day, Leslie would have aced it. 542 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:19,896 I believe you. 543 00:20:19,898 --> 00:20:22,732 Maybe I'll find my way back here in a month for a re-do. 544 00:20:22,734 --> 00:20:24,434 I appreciate it. 545 00:20:25,770 --> 00:20:27,987 Have you ever thought of being a sperm donor? 546 00:20:27,989 --> 00:20:29,189 I'm impotent. 547 00:20:29,191 --> 00:20:30,389 Yeah, I don't need to know that. 548 00:20:30,391 --> 00:20:32,992 This is the best wedding present ever. 549 00:20:32,994 --> 00:20:34,411 This is the best night ever. 550 00:20:34,413 --> 00:20:35,528 I wish we were getting married tonight. 551 00:20:35,530 --> 00:20:37,247 Well, we only have three more months. 552 00:20:37,249 --> 00:20:39,082 I can't wait three more months. 553 00:20:39,084 --> 00:20:41,918 God, I just hate the feeling of not being married to you. 554 00:20:43,337 --> 00:20:45,004 Well... 555 00:20:45,806 --> 00:20:48,339 Let's just do it, then. 556 00:20:49,010 --> 00:20:51,845 Let's get married... Here, tonight. 557 00:20:52,647 --> 00:20:53,930 I mean, we're all in black tie. 558 00:20:53,932 --> 00:20:57,265 We've got plenty of food and entertainment... 559 00:20:57,719 --> 00:20:59,602 And you did want to invite the whole town 560 00:20:59,604 --> 00:21:01,387 to the wedding, right? 561 00:21:01,389 --> 00:21:04,722 Leslie... 562 00:21:04,976 --> 00:21:07,593 Let's get married... Tonight. 563 00:21:10,795 --> 00:21:12,763 _ 564 00:21:13,929 --> 00:21:15,609 Breaking news-- I've just been handed this. 565 00:21:16,147 --> 00:21:18,598 Pawnee has been hit by a devastating earthquake. 566 00:21:18,649 --> 00:21:20,717 We go to our reporter, live, 567 00:21:20,735 --> 00:21:23,353 Winnifred Makepiece, for the story. Winnifred? 568 00:21:23,387 --> 00:21:26,323 Thanks, Jessica. I'm here at the Pawnee Weather Center 569 00:21:26,357 --> 00:21:28,558 with celebrated geologist Isabella Winchester. 570 00:21:28,576 --> 00:21:30,894 Isabella, can you tell us more about this killer earthquake? 571 00:21:30,912 --> 00:21:32,245 That's right, Winnifred, 572 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,798 the earthquake registered an 8.5 on the Richter scale. 573 00:21:34,832 --> 00:21:36,399 That's correct. It was a large one. 574 00:21:36,417 --> 00:21:38,185 Thank you so much, everyone. 575 00:21:38,219 --> 00:21:40,504 From all of us here at Channel 4 News, 576 00:21:40,538 --> 00:21:42,089 I'm Jessica Rabrit. 577 00:21:42,123 --> 00:21:45,208 Have a good evening and be safe out there. 578 00:21:49,743 --> 00:21:53,876 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com