1
00:00:02,651 --> 00:00:04,352
Well, the honeymoon
was amazing.
2
00:00:04,703 --> 00:00:05,652
We saw the bus stop
3
00:00:05,653 --> 00:00:08,587
where a young Barack Obama used
to sit and wait for the bus.
4
00:00:08,588 --> 00:00:10,155
-Theoretically.
- It's possible.
5
00:00:10,156 --> 00:00:13,489
Then we went and visited
Honolulu City Hall.
6
00:00:13,525 --> 00:00:15,092
- Shut up.
- You know.
7
00:00:15,093 --> 00:00:17,227
- Oh, my God, what was it like?
- It was amazing.
8
00:00:17,228 --> 00:00:18,362
Well, it looked amazing,
but it was closed.
9
00:00:18,363 --> 00:00:19,797
Oh, my God, bummer.
10
00:00:19,798 --> 00:00:20,898
Okay, I have presents!
11
00:00:20,899 --> 00:00:24,201
Um... Chris, we got you
an Acai tree
12
00:00:24,202 --> 00:00:26,804
because the Acai berry
is a superfood.
13
00:00:26,805 --> 00:00:28,672
And a super gift.
14
00:00:28,673 --> 00:00:29,773
Donna,
we got you some coffee,
15
00:00:29,774 --> 00:00:30,940
because you said,
and I quote,
16
00:00:30,941 --> 00:00:32,575
"I like my coffee
like I like my men.
17
00:00:32,576 --> 00:00:33,677
Dark, rich, and full-bodied."
18
00:00:33,678 --> 00:00:35,645
Yes, indeed.
19
00:00:35,646 --> 00:00:38,548
Ann, we got you some very rare
Hawaiian fertility tea,
20
00:00:38,549 --> 00:00:39,816
guaranteed to help you
have a baby.
21
00:00:39,817 --> 00:00:41,484
That's so nice.
Where'd you find that?
22
00:00:41,485 --> 00:00:43,385
Well, the busboy
at our restaurant
23
00:00:43,386 --> 00:00:44,586
told us about a guy
24
00:00:44,587 --> 00:00:45,887
who we met in a parking lot,
25
00:00:45,888 --> 00:00:48,023
and then he had a backpack
full of this stuff,
26
00:00:48,024 --> 00:00:50,025
and I'm just realizing now
that it's not tea.
27
00:00:50,026 --> 00:00:51,226
And I'm gonna throw it away.
28
00:00:51,227 --> 00:00:54,560
Ron, this is
the Hawaiian god of anger.
29
00:00:55,198 --> 00:00:57,499
It reminded us of you
when you're at work.
30
00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:58,834
A handsome gentleman.
31
00:00:58,835 --> 00:01:00,401
- We did not forget Jerry.
- Right, right.
32
00:01:00,402 --> 00:01:03,438
We got Jerry some earbuds,
33
00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:05,673
and a bag of peanuts,
34
00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:07,775
and the Skymall catalog.
35
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:10,611
Same thing you got me
from your trip to Washington!
36
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:13,214
Tom, we got you
an autographed portrait
37
00:01:13,215 --> 00:01:14,449
of your personal hero.
38
00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:15,915
No way!
39
00:01:15,916 --> 00:01:17,617
Scott Caan
from Hawaii five-0!
40
00:01:17,618 --> 00:01:19,720
April, as requested,
41
00:01:19,721 --> 00:01:21,421
we threw that box you gave us
into that volcano.
42
00:01:22,222 --> 00:01:23,690
Thank you.
43
00:01:23,691 --> 00:01:24,858
Andy, as you requested,
44
00:01:24,859 --> 00:01:27,026
got you a three-pack
of white T-shirts
45
00:01:27,027 --> 00:01:28,194
from Target.
46
00:01:28,195 --> 00:01:31,064
Thank you.
All mine are dirty.
47
00:01:31,065 --> 00:01:32,365
Thank you, Hawaii.
48
00:01:35,369 --> 00:01:40,702
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
49
00:01:54,052 --> 00:01:55,086
Thank you so much.
50
00:01:55,087 --> 00:01:56,254
It's great to be here
51
00:01:56,255 --> 00:01:57,822
at the Pawnee
Correspondents' Lunch.
52
00:01:57,823 --> 00:01:59,924
There's so many wonderful,
talented journalists here.
53
00:01:59,925 --> 00:02:03,258
Also here are some reporters
from the Pawnee Sun.
54
00:02:03,661 --> 00:02:05,763
Oh, hey, hey.
55
00:02:05,764 --> 00:02:07,264
I love the Pawnee Sun.
56
00:02:07,265 --> 00:02:09,633
Some people say
that it's a useless tabloid.
57
00:02:09,634 --> 00:02:11,101
But I don't think it's useless.
58
00:02:11,102 --> 00:02:13,404
I think it's great
for housebreaking puppies.
59
00:02:14,806 --> 00:02:17,674
I am prepping for the
Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch.
60
00:02:17,675 --> 00:02:19,042
It's an annual affair
61
00:02:19,043 --> 00:02:21,010
where the media and
the government roast each other.
62
00:02:21,011 --> 00:02:22,545
My number one target--
63
00:02:22,546 --> 00:02:24,280
the Pawnee Sun.
64
00:02:24,281 --> 00:02:27,614
364 days a year,
they rake me over the coals.
65
00:02:27,818 --> 00:02:30,152
Today, I take
those burning coals,
66
00:02:30,153 --> 00:02:32,187
I shove them
back down their throats,
67
00:02:32,188 --> 00:02:35,521
and I watch their melting flesh
drip off their worthless faces!
68
00:02:37,192 --> 00:02:39,193
It's all in good fun.
69
00:02:39,194 --> 00:02:40,862
Okay, I need
more jokes, people.
70
00:02:40,863 --> 00:02:42,497
Ben is having
his first day at work,
71
00:02:42,498 --> 00:02:43,698
so he cannot help me.
72
00:02:43,699 --> 00:02:45,099
So I need you guys
to pick up the slack.
73
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:46,635
- I have a joke for you.
- Okay.
74
00:02:46,636 --> 00:02:49,871
The government in this town
is excellent
75
00:02:49,872 --> 00:02:52,706
and uses
your tax dollars efficiently.
76
00:02:54,776 --> 00:02:56,977
- That's not really a joke, Ron.
- I disagree.
77
00:02:56,978 --> 00:02:59,046
I find it hilarious.
78
00:03:00,682 --> 00:03:02,416
- Ann Perkins!
- Hey, Chris!
79
00:03:02,417 --> 00:03:03,451
Got to run
to a meeting.
80
00:03:03,452 --> 00:03:04,685
With Ron.
81
00:03:04,686 --> 00:03:08,019
Great idea! I'll run
to my next meeting.
82
00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:12,859
Sorry, the door was open.
83
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:15,361
I wish this office
had only walls.
84
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:16,963
Chris broke up
with his girlfriend a week ago,
85
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:19,131
and I have decided
to ask him
86
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,501
to be the father
of my baby.
87
00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,635
Except I cannot work up
the nerve to do it.
88
00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:26,004
Turns out
they don't make greeting cards
89
00:03:26,005 --> 00:03:27,272
for asking your ex-boyfriend
90
00:03:27,273 --> 00:03:30,241
if he will
artificially inseminate you.
91
00:03:30,242 --> 00:03:33,244
Actually, Ron, I-I could
use your advice
92
00:03:33,245 --> 00:03:35,347
on how to be blunt
and honest.
93
00:03:36,098 --> 00:03:38,681
I want my friend
to do something for me,
94
00:03:39,051 --> 00:03:40,985
and I don't know how
to ask him.
95
00:03:40,986 --> 00:03:43,387
What do you want him to do?
96
00:03:43,388 --> 00:03:45,756
Plant ficuses.
97
00:03:45,757 --> 00:03:47,525
In my front yard.
98
00:03:47,526 --> 00:03:49,894
Grossest metaphor ever.
99
00:03:49,895 --> 00:03:50,895
I've seen your house.
100
00:03:50,896 --> 00:03:52,096
You'd have more success
101
00:03:52,097 --> 00:03:54,999
if he planted ficuses
in your backyard.
102
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,766
No, I don't think so.
103
00:03:56,767 --> 00:04:00,100
Anyway, what if he thinks
I'm asking too much of him,
104
00:04:00,304 --> 00:04:02,372
and I ask him
to plant the ficuses,
105
00:04:02,373 --> 00:04:04,040
and he doesn't want to,
and he gets weird about it,
106
00:04:04,041 --> 00:04:05,208
and it ruins our friendship?
107
00:04:05,209 --> 00:04:07,511
Then plant
the damn ficuses yourself.
108
00:04:07,512 --> 00:04:10,780
I wish that were possible.
109
00:04:10,781 --> 00:04:14,114
We are so excited
to have you working with us
110
00:04:14,784 --> 00:04:17,486
here at the all-new
Sweetums Foundation.
111
00:04:17,487 --> 00:04:20,656
This is your office.
112
00:04:20,657 --> 00:04:22,758
This is incredible.
113
00:04:22,759 --> 00:04:25,093
And look at that art.
114
00:04:25,094 --> 00:04:27,762
Ah, yes.
My late husband.
115
00:04:27,763 --> 00:04:29,864
He was so decrepit.
116
00:04:31,266 --> 00:04:32,466
I really like helping people.
117
00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:34,435
Running the new
Sweetums Foundation charity
118
00:04:34,436 --> 00:04:36,303
allows me to do that
119
00:04:36,304 --> 00:04:39,637
and work in an office
with more mahogany wood
120
00:04:40,075 --> 00:04:43,408
than currently remains
in the Amazon rain forest.
121
00:04:43,445 --> 00:04:46,112
So, win-win.
122
00:04:46,113 --> 00:04:47,814
Except for the rain forest.
123
00:04:47,815 --> 00:04:51,148
I need you to select
your first charity by tomorrow.
124
00:04:51,853 --> 00:04:53,854
Sweetums' public image
is currently
125
00:04:53,855 --> 00:04:55,422
at an all-time low.
126
00:04:55,423 --> 00:04:56,623
Yeah, there's even
a rumor going around
127
00:04:56,624 --> 00:04:58,792
that the chocolate
is made of rat parts.
128
00:04:58,793 --> 00:04:59,926
Well...
129
00:04:59,927 --> 00:05:01,027
You know what they say
about rumors.
130
00:05:01,028 --> 00:05:03,128
- Yeah.
- They're mostly true.
131
00:05:03,129 --> 00:05:04,997
Including the rat thing?
132
00:05:04,998 --> 00:05:06,165
Yeah.
What are you gonna do?
133
00:05:06,166 --> 00:05:07,934
It's where
all the flavor comes from.
134
00:05:07,935 --> 00:05:11,268
Oh, would you look at that.
There is a smudge on my tail.
135
00:05:11,772 --> 00:05:13,372
Oh!
136
00:05:15,241 --> 00:05:17,909
All better.
137
00:05:17,910 --> 00:05:19,444
Ladies and gentlemen,
138
00:05:19,445 --> 00:05:21,345
welcome to the Pawnee
Correspondents' Lunch,
139
00:05:21,346 --> 00:05:22,914
where politicians
and the media
140
00:05:22,915 --> 00:05:24,382
make fun of each other.
141
00:05:24,383 --> 00:05:25,650
But, if you ask me,
142
00:05:25,651 --> 00:05:27,318
we should be making fun
of the food.
143
00:05:27,319 --> 00:05:29,353
"I am not the cook."
144
00:05:30,690 --> 00:05:32,089
Oh, well, well, well.
145
00:05:32,090 --> 00:05:34,524
If it isn't Kim Terlando
from the Pawnee Sun.
146
00:05:34,525 --> 00:05:36,493
Do you happen
to have a can opener?
147
00:05:36,494 --> 00:05:38,929
'Cause I'm about
to open this on you.
148
00:05:38,930 --> 00:05:41,098
Did you make that can
of "whoop ass"
149
00:05:41,099 --> 00:05:42,499
for this exact moment?
150
00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:44,001
Yeah, I came prepared.
151
00:05:44,002 --> 00:05:45,535
I'd expect nothing less.
152
00:05:45,536 --> 00:05:46,704
Good luck with your speech.
153
00:05:46,705 --> 00:05:47,770
Uh, my speech doesn't need
your luck.
154
00:05:47,771 --> 00:05:49,505
It needs
a Surgeon General's warning
155
00:05:49,506 --> 00:05:51,207
because it's so harmful
to your health.
156
00:05:51,208 --> 00:05:53,009
Oh, look, it has one.
157
00:05:53,010 --> 00:05:54,911
That's how ready I am.
158
00:05:54,912 --> 00:05:56,377
I'm glad you're so confident.
159
00:05:56,378 --> 00:05:57,378
Nice to see you.
160
00:05:57,379 --> 00:05:59,748
It was nice to see you too.
161
00:06:01,183 --> 00:06:03,451
Chris, can I talk
to you for a second?
162
00:06:03,452 --> 00:06:05,053
Absolutely.
I cannot wait.
163
00:06:05,054 --> 00:06:06,287
One second.
Excuse me, sir.
164
00:06:06,288 --> 00:06:08,423
I think I accidentally
got the meat option.
165
00:06:08,424 --> 00:06:10,025
Yeah, and I got
the veggie option.
166
00:06:10,026 --> 00:06:12,459
Shauna Malwae-Tweep,
167
00:06:12,460 --> 00:06:13,761
my ex-girlfriend.
168
00:06:13,762 --> 00:06:15,863
It seems like you and I
have a classic mix 'em up.
169
00:06:15,864 --> 00:06:17,564
Yeah, fancy meeting you here.
170
00:06:17,565 --> 00:06:19,333
This isn't awkward
for you, is it?
171
00:06:19,334 --> 00:06:20,400
Chris, it's okay.
172
00:06:20,401 --> 00:06:21,936
You wanna switch?
I'm starving.
173
00:06:21,937 --> 00:06:23,370
Definitely.
174
00:06:26,108 --> 00:06:28,742
Whoa! Check out
the new digs.
175
00:06:28,743 --> 00:06:29,876
This place is insane.
176
00:06:29,877 --> 00:06:31,111
Thanks for coming, guys.
177
00:06:31,112 --> 00:06:33,312
I'm super swamped,
and I need your help.
178
00:06:33,313 --> 00:06:34,547
Pass.
179
00:06:34,548 --> 00:06:36,816
You came down here
to pass on helping me?
180
00:06:36,817 --> 00:06:38,518
Yeah, I wanted to see
what your face looked like
181
00:06:38,519 --> 00:06:39,585
when I said no.
182
00:06:39,586 --> 00:06:41,655
It was totally worth it.
183
00:06:41,656 --> 00:06:43,656
Andy, are you okay?
184
00:06:43,657 --> 00:06:44,923
Oh, I'm fine.
185
00:06:44,924 --> 00:06:46,391
It's just
that life is pointless
186
00:06:46,392 --> 00:06:48,093
and nothing matters
and I'm always tired.
187
00:06:48,094 --> 00:06:50,495
Also, I can't sleep,
I'm overeating,
188
00:06:50,496 --> 00:06:52,965
none of my old hobbies
interest me.
189
00:06:52,966 --> 00:06:55,333
Ever since Andy failed
the police academy exam,
190
00:06:55,334 --> 00:06:57,636
his self-esteem
has hit rock bottom.
191
00:06:57,637 --> 00:07:00,471
He's always sad and sweaty.
192
00:07:00,472 --> 00:07:02,807
He's usually happy and sweaty.
193
00:07:02,808 --> 00:07:05,609
I have to pick
our first charity by tomorrow,
194
00:07:05,610 --> 00:07:07,244
and there's
a million applications.
195
00:07:07,245 --> 00:07:09,413
Can you guys
help me sort 'em out?
196
00:07:09,414 --> 00:07:11,315
You know what?
This sounds like fun.
197
00:07:11,316 --> 00:07:13,084
Babe, come on.
198
00:07:13,085 --> 00:07:15,653
Let's help him.
It'll be fun.
199
00:07:15,654 --> 00:07:17,420
Well, it sounds
like you guys got it covered.
200
00:07:17,421 --> 00:07:18,655
I'm gonna head out.
201
00:07:18,656 --> 00:07:19,923
Actually have my own charity
to attend to.
202
00:07:19,924 --> 00:07:21,792
Tommy's tummy foundation.
203
00:07:21,793 --> 00:07:23,326
Well, they bring me
fancy lunches here.
204
00:07:23,327 --> 00:07:24,661
If you stay,
you can have some.
205
00:07:24,662 --> 00:07:27,764
What? Crab, caviar?
206
00:07:27,765 --> 00:07:29,666
On behalf
of Tommy's tummy foundation,
207
00:07:29,667 --> 00:07:32,768
I'm happy to accept
this generous donation.
208
00:07:32,769 --> 00:07:35,270
Please welcome Kim Terlando.
209
00:07:39,342 --> 00:07:40,375
Thank you, Martin.
210
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:42,178
It's nice to be here
211
00:07:42,179 --> 00:07:44,914
among all
of these excellent journalists.
212
00:07:44,915 --> 00:07:47,016
And also the people
that work with me
213
00:07:47,017 --> 00:07:48,850
over at the Pawnee Sun.
214
00:07:49,885 --> 00:07:51,119
Damn it.
215
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:52,653
That was my opener.
216
00:07:52,654 --> 00:07:55,090
Now I love working
at the Sun, okay?
217
00:07:55,091 --> 00:07:57,826
And I know you all think
it's just a useless tabloid,
218
00:07:57,827 --> 00:07:58,960
but it's not.
219
00:07:58,961 --> 00:08:00,294
It is great.
220
00:08:00,295 --> 00:08:02,163
For housebreaking puppies.
221
00:08:03,832 --> 00:08:04,965
Those are my jokes.
222
00:08:04,966 --> 00:08:06,666
She's stealing my jokes.
223
00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:08,235
Some people say
224
00:08:08,236 --> 00:08:10,738
that the Sun has a problem
with the truth.
225
00:08:10,739 --> 00:08:13,406
There's no problem,
we just ignore it.
226
00:08:18,646 --> 00:08:20,412
Jerry, stop laughing.
Those are stolen jokes!
227
00:08:20,413 --> 00:08:22,081
Totally dead.
228
00:08:22,082 --> 00:08:23,415
What am I gonna do?
229
00:08:23,416 --> 00:08:25,718
Oh! I just opened up
a can of "whoop ass" on myself!
230
00:08:26,901 --> 00:08:30,168
I remember the very first
Correspondents' Lunch.
231
00:08:30,201 --> 00:08:32,568
I rode here in a horse and buggy.
232
00:08:34,070 --> 00:08:37,006
No, no, no,
that wasn't a joke.
233
00:08:37,007 --> 00:08:39,675
I actually did.
234
00:08:39,676 --> 00:08:40,877
That also was not a joke.
235
00:08:40,878 --> 00:08:43,613
Ron, Kim told
all my jokes, all of them.
236
00:08:43,614 --> 00:08:45,948
She must have gotten
a copy of my speech.
237
00:08:45,949 --> 00:08:47,049
Did anybody lose their copy?
238
00:08:47,050 --> 00:08:48,250
- Nope.
- Right here.
239
00:08:48,251 --> 00:08:51,252
Mine is right here.
240
00:08:51,253 --> 00:08:52,754
Oh, jeez.
241
00:08:52,755 --> 00:08:55,323
Go stand in the corner and
think about what you've done.
242
00:08:55,324 --> 00:08:57,325
And no dessert!
243
00:08:57,326 --> 00:08:58,760
I need new material,
and it needs to be great,
244
00:08:58,761 --> 00:09:00,595
and it needs
to knock people on their butts,
245
00:09:00,596 --> 00:09:03,231
and it needs to transcend
the genre of roast comedy.
246
00:09:03,232 --> 00:09:05,232
- Perkins, go.
- Oh, wow.
247
00:09:05,233 --> 00:09:06,800
Um, okay,
248
00:09:06,801 --> 00:09:09,336
so Councilman Milton
is old, right?
249
00:09:09,337 --> 00:09:11,005
And he's wearing a green tie.
250
00:09:11,006 --> 00:09:12,272
So, like, maybe
there's something there,
251
00:09:12,273 --> 00:09:13,841
where, like,
he went to school
252
00:09:13,842 --> 00:09:15,676
with his high-school buddies
that were dinosaurs.
253
00:09:15,677 --> 00:09:17,144
And his tie is green.
254
00:09:17,145 --> 00:09:19,947
They're green.
255
00:09:19,948 --> 00:09:21,915
Oh, Ann, you're too
beautiful to be funny.
256
00:09:21,916 --> 00:09:23,382
It's not your fault.
257
00:09:23,383 --> 00:09:24,817
You've never had
to compensate for anything.
258
00:09:24,818 --> 00:09:27,954
The rest of you ugly nerds
need to give me some jokes stat.
259
00:09:27,955 --> 00:09:29,622
Ben?
260
00:09:29,623 --> 00:09:31,591
Ben?
261
00:09:31,592 --> 00:09:32,759
Yeah, Andy.
262
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:33,893
I think
I might have found something
263
00:09:33,894 --> 00:09:35,227
that's actually pretty cool.
264
00:09:35,228 --> 00:09:37,295
Okay, well, just put it aside,
and I'll read it later.
265
00:09:37,296 --> 00:09:38,664
No. Andy found it,
266
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:41,332
and he's gonna tell you
about it right now. Go, babe.
267
00:09:41,333 --> 00:09:44,666
Uh, it's
the Redwood Music Program.
268
00:09:44,904 --> 00:09:48,237
It's an after-school music class
for at-risk kids.
269
00:09:48,541 --> 00:09:50,008
- It'll keep them off the street.
- Whoa.
270
00:09:50,009 --> 00:09:53,044
And the streets,
as you know, are dangerous.
271
00:09:53,045 --> 00:09:55,479
Example--I fell
in a sewer grate once.
272
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:56,480
I was there all day.
273
00:09:56,481 --> 00:09:57,949
In conclusion,
274
00:09:57,950 --> 00:10:00,885
we cannot let our children
live in the sewer any longer.
275
00:10:00,886 --> 00:10:04,219
Redwood Music Program--
go, your honor, amen.
276
00:10:04,890 --> 00:10:06,057
That's a great idea.
277
00:10:06,058 --> 00:10:07,959
Anyone else come across
anything good?
278
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,794
Tom?
279
00:10:10,795 --> 00:10:12,295
Um, yeah.
280
00:10:12,296 --> 00:10:13,964
I got a good one.
281
00:10:13,965 --> 00:10:17,298
It's called
the Clean Sheet Foundation.
282
00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:19,535
That's my pick.
283
00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:22,869
They provide legal assistance
to the KKK.
284
00:10:23,140 --> 00:10:24,474
This is your pick?
285
00:10:24,475 --> 00:10:26,742
Yeah. Can you pass
the bonbons?
286
00:10:26,743 --> 00:10:29,812
Perd Hapley is here today.
287
00:10:29,813 --> 00:10:30,980
Or, as Perd would say,
288
00:10:30,981 --> 00:10:32,681
"My name is Perd Hapley,
289
00:10:32,682 --> 00:10:36,015
and the person
I see here today... is me."
290
00:10:37,821 --> 00:10:40,222
Everyone seems
to be laughing now.
291
00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:43,091
Do you see what is happening
with Chris and Shauna?
292
00:10:43,092 --> 00:10:45,660
They are flirting like crazy.
293
00:10:45,661 --> 00:10:47,394
It's disgusting.
They're in public.
294
00:10:47,395 --> 00:10:49,063
That's called a conversation.
295
00:10:49,064 --> 00:10:52,233
Ron, there are
no ficuses, okay?
296
00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:55,236
I wanted to ask Chris
to be the father of my baby.
297
00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:56,437
Good God.
298
00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:57,838
And the metaphor you chose
299
00:10:57,839 --> 00:11:00,240
was planting ficuses
in your front yard?
300
00:11:00,241 --> 00:11:02,075
I was gonna wait till
he was single to ask him,
301
00:11:02,076 --> 00:11:03,409
but now he's flirting
with Shauna again.
302
00:11:03,410 --> 00:11:05,345
What do I do?
303
00:11:06,547 --> 00:11:08,915
- It's been nice talking to you.
- What?
304
00:11:10,752 --> 00:11:12,252
Maybe I should
just do impressions.
305
00:11:12,253 --> 00:11:14,253
"I'm-a Borat."
There's one.
306
00:11:14,254 --> 00:11:16,421
But I need to do someone
that no one has heard before.
307
00:11:16,422 --> 00:11:18,190
Like, I don't know,
Neve Campbell?
308
00:11:18,191 --> 00:11:19,258
What does
Neve Campbell sound like?
309
00:11:19,259 --> 00:11:21,593
I don't know.
310
00:11:21,594 --> 00:11:23,896
Someone, tell me
what Neve Campbell sounds like.
311
00:11:23,897 --> 00:11:25,531
Just keep it short
and get the hell out of there.
312
00:11:26,633 --> 00:11:28,000
Thank you.
313
00:11:28,001 --> 00:11:30,268
Our next guest has asked me
to read this.
314
00:11:30,269 --> 00:11:32,603
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I forgot I did this.
315
00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:33,872
Joan, no--
316
00:11:33,873 --> 00:11:35,273
"Strap on
your adult diapers, everyone.
317
00:11:35,274 --> 00:11:38,607
"Because you're about
to wet yourself from laughter.
318
00:11:39,045 --> 00:11:40,344
Give it up for Leslie Knope."
319
00:11:45,550 --> 00:11:47,918
"Whassup," Pawnee?
320
00:11:49,287 --> 00:11:51,021
Um...
321
00:11:51,022 --> 00:11:52,056
Borat.
322
00:11:54,659 --> 00:11:56,060
Well, that's my time.
323
00:11:56,061 --> 00:11:57,161
They're giving me the light.
324
00:11:57,162 --> 00:12:00,495
So, uh, I did great.
325
00:12:00,498 --> 00:12:01,664
Thank you, Leslie Knope.
326
00:12:01,665 --> 00:12:02,765
You know what they say.
327
00:12:02,766 --> 00:12:04,067
Drama is hard,
328
00:12:04,068 --> 00:12:06,669
and sometimes comedy
is not in our wheelhouse.
329
00:12:08,471 --> 00:12:10,807
Tom, do you have
to run that right now?
330
00:12:10,808 --> 00:12:12,108
Oh, no, Ben!
331
00:12:12,109 --> 00:12:15,442
These smoothies will
just blend themselves!
332
00:12:17,613 --> 00:12:18,714
Okay.
333
00:12:21,818 --> 00:12:24,252
Think I have our winner.
334
00:12:24,253 --> 00:12:25,787
It's called
Rural Ambu-care.
335
00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:27,589
They want to buy an ambulance
336
00:12:27,590 --> 00:12:29,557
for people who live far away
from the hospital.
337
00:12:29,558 --> 00:12:30,892
Ambulances are dumb.
338
00:12:30,893 --> 00:12:32,427
When has an ambulance
ever helped anyone?
339
00:12:32,428 --> 00:12:33,994
What about Andy's music thing?
340
00:12:33,995 --> 00:12:35,129
Well, this is a great service
341
00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:36,630
that will help a lot
of needy people.
342
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:37,631
Sorry, Andy.
343
00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:39,767
Why? No, it's totally fine.
344
00:12:39,768 --> 00:12:41,668
I'm happy for them.
That's awesome.
345
00:12:41,669 --> 00:12:42,770
You know what I'm gonna do?
346
00:12:42,771 --> 00:12:45,172
I'm gonna head out
to, uh, the car.
347
00:12:45,173 --> 00:12:46,273
It's a little hot in here,
a little sweaty.
348
00:12:46,274 --> 00:12:48,008
Well,
I'm terribly disappointed.
349
00:12:48,009 --> 00:12:51,342
But I'm sure
the doctors or giraffes
350
00:12:51,445 --> 00:12:53,512
or whatever you decided
to help
351
00:12:53,513 --> 00:12:54,748
will be thrilled
352
00:12:54,749 --> 00:12:57,683
with the whatever you decided
to whatever.
353
00:12:57,684 --> 00:12:58,718
I'm outtie.
354
00:12:58,719 --> 00:13:00,987
Great job, team.
355
00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:02,122
What?
356
00:13:02,123 --> 00:13:03,923
Ever since Andy failed
the police exam,
357
00:13:03,924 --> 00:13:05,190
he's been really depressed.
358
00:13:05,191 --> 00:13:06,558
Picking out a dumb charity
359
00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:08,360
is the most excited
he's been in weeks.
360
00:13:08,361 --> 00:13:09,661
You're so selfish.
361
00:13:09,662 --> 00:13:11,830
Selfish?
I'm running a charity.
362
00:13:11,831 --> 00:13:14,166
Oh, it's all about
what you're doing, isn't it?
363
00:13:14,167 --> 00:13:17,035
Classic Ben!
364
00:13:17,036 --> 00:13:19,171
Sorry, forgot the oysters.
365
00:13:19,172 --> 00:13:20,440
Great work today.
366
00:13:22,641 --> 00:13:23,307
Christopher.
367
00:13:23,308 --> 00:13:25,643
"Chris-toe-fur."
368
00:13:25,644 --> 00:13:26,677
It's like you have furry toes.
369
00:13:26,678 --> 00:13:28,312
Hilarious.
370
00:13:28,313 --> 00:13:30,414
I have a question... for you.
371
00:13:30,415 --> 00:13:32,516
It's something very important.
372
00:13:32,517 --> 00:13:35,153
Which is...
373
00:13:35,154 --> 00:13:38,487
What is your... Spirit animal?
374
00:13:38,489 --> 00:13:40,657
Jaguar. Why do you ask?
375
00:13:40,658 --> 00:13:41,691
Doin' a survey.
376
00:13:41,692 --> 00:13:43,160
Well, survey completed.
377
00:13:43,161 --> 00:13:44,727
So take 'er easy.
378
00:13:44,728 --> 00:13:45,796
Uh, you didn't ask me.
379
00:13:45,797 --> 00:13:46,963
But if you had,
380
00:13:46,964 --> 00:13:48,899
the answer
I would have given is... Doggie.
381
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:51,501
Chris, Ann wants
to ask you something right now.
382
00:13:51,502 --> 00:13:52,868
Go, Ann.
383
00:13:52,869 --> 00:13:54,469
- In front of Perd?
- Yes.
384
00:13:54,470 --> 00:13:57,406
No more delays. Go.
385
00:13:57,407 --> 00:13:58,407
I want to have a baby.
386
00:13:58,408 --> 00:14:01,741
Will you be the sperm donor?
387
00:14:03,146 --> 00:14:05,447
The story
of this situation is
388
00:14:05,448 --> 00:14:07,683
it's extremely personal.
389
00:14:07,684 --> 00:14:11,017
Think it over. Bye.
390
00:14:11,586 --> 00:14:13,855
Leslie, permission
to leave the corner.
391
00:14:13,856 --> 00:14:15,223
Denied.
392
00:14:15,224 --> 00:14:16,791
But, look, I did not
lose your speech after all.
393
00:14:16,792 --> 00:14:18,426
I forgot.
394
00:14:18,427 --> 00:14:20,628
I put it in my shoe
for safekeeping.
395
00:14:21,029 --> 00:14:23,297
It's a little moist,
but it is still here.
396
00:14:23,298 --> 00:14:25,333
Well, then how did Kim
get the speech?
397
00:14:25,334 --> 00:14:27,034
Wait a minute.
398
00:14:27,035 --> 00:14:29,403
The Pawnee Sun has been
one step ahead of me for months.
399
00:14:29,404 --> 00:14:30,504
They knew that Kernston's
400
00:14:30,505 --> 00:14:32,439
withdrew its sponsorship
of the Commons
401
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:33,807
before I even announced it.
402
00:14:33,808 --> 00:14:35,241
They asked me
403
00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:36,676
about the sewage eruption
in Ramsett Park
404
00:14:36,677 --> 00:14:38,478
right after Ron emailed me
about it.
405
00:14:38,479 --> 00:14:40,480
And Kim asked me
if I liked
406
00:14:40,481 --> 00:14:42,148
the first season
Army Wives
407
00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:45,318
just moments
after Netflix did.
408
00:14:45,319 --> 00:14:47,253
The Pawnee Sun
hacked my email.
409
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:49,221
I've been hacked!
410
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,090
Okay, smashing your phone
won't stop hacking.
411
00:14:52,091 --> 00:14:53,291
That's also my phone.
412
00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:55,394
Jerry, quiet!
This is serious.
413
00:14:56,693 --> 00:14:58,826
Well, the police said they're
gonna launch an investigation
414
00:14:58,827 --> 00:15:00,295
to see whether or not
I was hacked.
415
00:15:00,296 --> 00:15:02,263
But it's very complicated,
and it could take up to a month.
416
00:15:02,264 --> 00:15:04,381
There is nothing
more disgusting
417
00:15:04,382 --> 00:15:05,482
than an invasion of privacy.
418
00:15:05,483 --> 00:15:06,650
And I should know.
419
00:15:06,651 --> 00:15:08,952
I've had many women steal
my undershirts.
420
00:15:08,953 --> 00:15:10,653
I have a press conference
about the Pawnee Commons
421
00:15:10,654 --> 00:15:11,854
in two hours.
422
00:15:11,855 --> 00:15:13,288
So I need
to go through every email
423
00:15:13,289 --> 00:15:14,590
that I've ever sent, ever.
424
00:15:14,591 --> 00:15:16,959
I need to know what
they might use against me.
425
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,360
You can't hack
into a typewriter.
426
00:15:18,361 --> 00:15:19,562
That's all I have to say.
427
00:15:19,563 --> 00:15:20,663
Can it, Unabomber.
428
00:15:20,664 --> 00:15:22,798
This is an emergency.
429
00:15:22,799 --> 00:15:25,001
- Hey, Ben.
- Hi.
430
00:15:25,002 --> 00:15:26,968
You wanted to talk to me?
Or probably not.
431
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,837
I mean, I don't even want
to talk to me.
432
00:15:28,838 --> 00:15:30,639
- No, I wanted to talk to you.
- Oh.
433
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,807
I just wanted to thank you
so much for your help, Andy.
434
00:15:32,808 --> 00:15:35,376
Sorry we didn't wind up choosing
the after-school music program.
435
00:15:35,377 --> 00:15:36,845
It's just--
I totally get it.
436
00:15:36,846 --> 00:15:38,379
The music program
would be effective,
437
00:15:38,380 --> 00:15:41,215
but the ambulance
is gonna help people right now
438
00:15:41,216 --> 00:15:42,449
who are in trouble
439
00:15:42,450 --> 00:15:44,018
and will probably look good
in the media.
440
00:15:44,519 --> 00:15:47,352
Yeah, that's...
exactly right.
441
00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:48,889
Your morning tea, Mr. Wyatt.
442
00:15:48,890 --> 00:15:50,323
Imagine all the money
you could save
443
00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:51,992
if you didn't have to pay
for this expensive stuff.
444
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:53,193
Am I right?
445
00:15:53,194 --> 00:15:54,762
You could help,
like, a zillion more charities.
446
00:15:54,763 --> 00:15:57,397
Yeah, that's...
also exactly right.
447
00:15:57,898 --> 00:15:59,398
I feel like
I should have thought of that.
448
00:15:59,399 --> 00:16:00,533
Well, let me tell you
449
00:16:00,534 --> 00:16:02,334
something else
that's interesting, Ben.
450
00:16:02,835 --> 00:16:06,072
- What?
- I farted five minutes ago.
451
00:16:06,073 --> 00:16:07,873
Didn't even smell it
till just now.
452
00:16:07,874 --> 00:16:09,908
That's how tight my pants are.
453
00:16:09,909 --> 00:16:11,477
Anyhow...
454
00:16:11,478 --> 00:16:12,845
Later days, dudes.
455
00:16:15,814 --> 00:16:17,583
Okay, nothing too bad so far.
456
00:16:17,584 --> 00:16:20,917
There's a "Top Ten
Ben's butt 2012 slide show."
457
00:16:21,087 --> 00:16:23,354
You emailed it to Ben
and Ann...
458
00:16:23,855 --> 00:16:25,290
And The Huffington Post?
459
00:16:25,291 --> 00:16:26,758
Yeah, I'm not embarrassed
by that.
460
00:16:26,759 --> 00:16:28,060
Who is Todo Toadfoot?
461
00:16:28,061 --> 00:16:29,561
You wrote him an email
462
00:16:29,562 --> 00:16:32,296
about riding your dragons
to Pelennor Fields
463
00:16:32,297 --> 00:16:34,799
and signed it
"Dimple Broadbelt of Buckland."
464
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,968
Yes, that's Ben and my
fantasy Lord Of The Rings
465
00:16:36,969 --> 00:16:38,069
pen pal letters.
466
00:16:38,070 --> 00:16:39,536
I am a little embarrassed
by that.
467
00:16:39,537 --> 00:16:42,239
Here's one to me,
and it just says "Thanks."
468
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:43,540
You're welcome.
469
00:16:43,541 --> 00:16:45,275
Oh, great,
I got a new email
470
00:16:45,276 --> 00:16:46,943
about the parking lot
at the Pawnee Commons.
471
00:16:46,944 --> 00:16:48,878
I keep getting emails
all the time!
472
00:16:48,879 --> 00:16:51,615
I have to do well
at this press conference! Donna!
473
00:16:51,616 --> 00:16:52,682
Listen, freaky.
474
00:16:52,683 --> 00:16:54,484
Every single one
of my boyfriends
475
00:16:54,485 --> 00:16:57,553
has tried to hack into my email.
I've got an idea...
476
00:16:57,854 --> 00:16:59,555
Everybody out.
477
00:17:04,127 --> 00:17:06,962
Ann Perkins, I see you
behind that attractive purse.
478
00:17:06,963 --> 00:17:08,563
You haven't returned
any of my calls.
479
00:17:08,964 --> 00:17:11,897
Yeah, that's because,
uh, I'm mortified.
480
00:17:12,368 --> 00:17:15,701
I'm so sorry
that I was so weird and blunt.
481
00:17:15,955 --> 00:17:18,055
I am touched and honored
482
00:17:18,056 --> 00:17:19,223
that you would
even consider me
483
00:17:19,224 --> 00:17:20,657
to be the father
of your child.
484
00:17:20,658 --> 00:17:22,693
And I'm glad that you
came right out and said it.
485
00:17:22,694 --> 00:17:24,228
I mean, if we're
really considering this,
486
00:17:24,229 --> 00:17:27,562
then we have to start
at a place of complete honesty.
487
00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:29,166
You're right.
488
00:17:29,167 --> 00:17:31,102
And I'll start now.
489
00:17:31,103 --> 00:17:34,204
You are a great specimen.
490
00:17:34,205 --> 00:17:35,972
That's a terrible choice
of words.
491
00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:40,306
If my baby turned out
to be anything like you...
492
00:17:41,412 --> 00:17:44,714
I'd be lucky.
493
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:47,183
Can I have just a little bit
of time to think about it?
494
00:17:47,184 --> 00:17:48,351
Of course, yes.
495
00:17:48,352 --> 00:17:49,719
Take as much time as you want.
496
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,253
Or just maybe, like,
a couple days.
497
00:17:51,254 --> 00:17:52,554
'Cause I'm getting antsy.
498
00:17:52,555 --> 00:17:54,023
And I'm ovulating on Thursday.
499
00:17:54,024 --> 00:17:55,490
So, chop-chop.
500
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:58,660
But take your time.
501
00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:01,663
Wear loose pants!
502
00:18:04,034 --> 00:18:05,901
I gotta tell you, Ron.
503
00:18:05,902 --> 00:18:09,235
You were absolutely
and totally right.
504
00:18:09,371 --> 00:18:11,306
I know. Stop talking
and get out.
505
00:18:11,307 --> 00:18:12,475
Yep.
506
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:17,312
The redneck ambulance
is a great choice.
507
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:19,747
We can release
a publicity shot
508
00:18:19,748 --> 00:18:21,782
of a bucktoothed hayseed
taking medicine
509
00:18:21,783 --> 00:18:23,750
for the first time in his life.
510
00:18:23,751 --> 00:18:25,919
We can figure out
the photo later.
511
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:27,988
Oh, I forgot!
512
00:18:27,989 --> 00:18:30,123
It's Fondue Friday. Yay!
513
00:18:30,124 --> 00:18:31,791
Yeah, also,
as President of the foundation,
514
00:18:31,792 --> 00:18:32,926
I'm making a few changes.
515
00:18:32,927 --> 00:18:35,262
I'm giving up this office.
516
00:18:35,263 --> 00:18:37,297
And no more visits
from a masseuse
517
00:18:37,298 --> 00:18:38,897
or fancy lunches.
518
00:18:38,898 --> 00:18:40,299
It's way out of hand.
519
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:43,169
Sweetie, all the money
we spend on the foundation
520
00:18:43,170 --> 00:18:45,004
is tax deductible.
521
00:18:45,005 --> 00:18:47,039
I know, and it's
a huge waste of money.
522
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,442
I mean, there's plenty
of cheap office space around.
523
00:18:49,443 --> 00:18:51,277
And I have an idea
524
00:18:51,278 --> 00:18:52,578
for how to use some
of the money we'll save.
525
00:18:53,746 --> 00:18:56,281
Get yourself
a matching nude portrait?
526
00:18:56,282 --> 00:18:58,416
- I can call the painter.
- Please don't.
527
00:18:58,417 --> 00:19:01,453
First, I'd like you all
to check under your chairs.
528
00:19:01,454 --> 00:19:04,787
I think you might be surprised
and excited by what you find.
529
00:19:05,024 --> 00:19:06,091
- Is it chocolate?
- Even better.
530
00:19:06,092 --> 00:19:07,425
It's dirt.
531
00:19:07,426 --> 00:19:09,927
The EPA has recently reviewed
our soil samples,
532
00:19:09,928 --> 00:19:11,828
and they determined
that we achieved,
533
00:19:11,829 --> 00:19:14,931
and I quote,
"Minimal acceptable standards."
534
00:19:14,932 --> 00:19:17,434
So...
not too shabby.
535
00:19:17,435 --> 00:19:19,269
Uh, Councilwoman Knope,
536
00:19:19,270 --> 00:19:21,671
you've claimed construction
will take 18 months,
537
00:19:21,672 --> 00:19:23,740
but a source tells me
it will be much longer.
538
00:19:23,741 --> 00:19:26,476
I would--
I would deny that report.
539
00:19:26,477 --> 00:19:27,776
I've also learned
540
00:19:27,777 --> 00:19:31,110
that the EPA found
midi-chlorians in the soil.
541
00:19:31,515 --> 00:19:32,815
How serious is that,
exactly?
542
00:19:32,816 --> 00:19:34,583
It's very serious, Kim.
543
00:19:34,584 --> 00:19:36,919
It's almost as serious
as email hacking,
544
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:39,022
which is what
you have been doing to me
545
00:19:39,023 --> 00:19:40,656
for weeks.
546
00:19:43,359 --> 00:19:45,894
I really thought
you guys would gasp there.
547
00:19:45,895 --> 00:19:47,962
That is a baseless accusation.
548
00:19:47,963 --> 00:19:50,365
Midi-chlorians
are a fictional substance
549
00:19:50,366 --> 00:19:52,967
found in the blood
of Jedi knights
550
00:19:52,968 --> 00:19:56,170
from the movie Star Wars
Episode 1: The Phantom Menace.
551
00:19:56,171 --> 00:19:57,872
Which, side-note,
was a terrible movie.
552
00:19:57,873 --> 00:19:59,173
It almost destroyed
the franchise,
553
00:19:59,174 --> 00:20:00,574
according to my husband.
554
00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:01,775
But that is neither here
nor there.
555
00:20:01,776 --> 00:20:03,912
The point is
I sent Councilwoman Knope
556
00:20:03,913 --> 00:20:06,813
the fake email about the EPA
finding midi-chlorians,
557
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:07,848
an hour ago...
558
00:20:07,849 --> 00:20:09,116
As a trap.
559
00:20:09,117 --> 00:20:10,418
Into which you have fallen.
560
00:20:10,419 --> 00:20:11,885
Well...
561
00:20:11,886 --> 00:20:13,654
I have never seen Star Wars,
562
00:20:13,655 --> 00:20:16,689
because I was
too busy hooking up with guys.
563
00:20:16,690 --> 00:20:18,091
Unlike you losers.
564
00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:21,061
Uh, you wanna
compare numbers, Terlando?
565
00:20:21,062 --> 00:20:22,495
Get to steppin'.
566
00:20:22,496 --> 00:20:23,863
I would just like
to point out
567
00:20:23,864 --> 00:20:26,132
that Kim Terlando
stole all of my jokes
568
00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:27,600
for the
Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch,
569
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:28,868
and they were great jokes.
570
00:20:28,869 --> 00:20:31,203
So I spent the whole night
writing new ones.
571
00:20:31,204 --> 00:20:34,173
Lucky for you,
let's get... started.
572
00:20:34,174 --> 00:20:35,707
I'm very excited
to be here.
573
00:20:35,708 --> 00:20:36,841
You know who else is excited
to be here?
574
00:20:36,842 --> 00:20:38,343
- Neve Campbell.
- Oh, boy.
575
00:20:38,344 --> 00:20:40,712
What a great party... of five.
576
00:20:40,713 --> 00:20:42,181
All right,
thank you, guys.
577
00:20:43,058 --> 00:20:45,859
The point is, I could use someone
to help me at the foundation
578
00:20:45,860 --> 00:20:49,160
as a part-time assistant
but also an idea man.
579
00:20:49,161 --> 00:20:50,562
Might I suggest Tom?
580
00:20:51,063 --> 00:20:53,898
He loves ideas.
Also a man.
581
00:20:53,899 --> 00:20:57,232
What-- No, Andy,
I've already chosen the person.
582
00:20:57,336 --> 00:21:00,669
And it is not Tom...
583
00:21:01,406 --> 00:21:03,507
Then who is it?
584
00:21:03,508 --> 00:21:06,841
Well, he is, uh, sitting
right here in this courtyard.
585
00:21:10,381 --> 00:21:12,716
That guy?
Do you even know him?
586
00:21:12,717 --> 00:21:14,151
Oh, my God, Andy,
it's you.
587
00:21:14,152 --> 00:21:17,485
I think you may have a knack
for charitable giving.
588
00:21:17,555 --> 00:21:19,790
Will you come work for me?
589
00:21:19,791 --> 00:21:22,759
Uh-oh. What's happening?
590
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:24,128
Oh.
591
00:21:24,628 --> 00:21:29,672
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com