1
00:00:20,872 --> 00:00:24,138
I'm looking for Ronald Ulysses Swanson?
2
00:00:24,303 --> 00:00:26,939
He stepped out.
Can I take a message?
3
00:00:26,970 --> 00:00:28,713
Sure. Tell him
he just won a free dinner
4
00:00:28,725 --> 00:00:30,057
from St. Elmo steak house.
5
00:00:32,093 --> 00:00:33,744
I'm Ron Swanson!
6
00:00:34,143 --> 00:00:36,618
You've been served.
Have a nice day.
7
00:00:36,842 --> 00:00:38,461
I don't like you.
8
00:00:38,774 --> 00:00:40,241
But I respect the effort.
9
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:41,572
Oh, man, subpoena?
10
00:00:41,590 --> 00:00:43,571
Which ex-wife is it,
Tammy one or Tammy two?
11
00:00:43,602 --> 00:00:44,917
Neither.
12
00:00:45,060 --> 00:00:47,598
Apparently councilman
Jeremy Jamm is not pleased
13
00:00:47,617 --> 00:00:50,455
that I punched him in the face
on the night of Leslie's wedding.
14
00:00:50,498 --> 00:00:51,765
He's suing me.
15
00:00:51,954 --> 00:00:54,525
$13,000
for orthodontic surgery,
16
00:00:54,544 --> 00:00:56,248
$6,000 for enamel repair,
17
00:00:56,273 --> 00:00:59,407
and $46 million
for psychological damages.
18
00:00:59,441 --> 00:01:01,031
Yeah, that seems
about accurate.
19
00:01:01,049 --> 00:01:02,900
That guy is the worst.
20
00:01:02,947 --> 00:01:04,391
We should sue Jamm's parents
21
00:01:04,410 --> 00:01:06,371
for spawning
a human turdburger.
22
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:08,249
Ron, hey,
let me be your lawyer.
23
00:01:08,274 --> 00:01:09,882
I'll object
to everything anyone says,
24
00:01:09,894 --> 00:01:11,954
trial will go on forever,
you don't have to pay.
25
00:01:12,002 --> 00:01:13,202
Problem solved.
26
00:01:13,236 --> 00:01:14,341
That's a kind offer, Andrew,
27
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,129
but I won't be hiring
an attorney.
28
00:01:16,182 --> 00:01:17,626
I'll represent myself,
29
00:01:17,649 --> 00:01:20,584
as I do in all legal matters
and livestock auctions.
30
00:01:21,094 --> 00:01:23,257
I wish we had $46 million.
31
00:01:23,293 --> 00:01:25,114
We could buy my parents' house
and evict them.
32
00:01:25,126 --> 00:01:26,348
Surprised he's taking it
this well.
33
00:01:26,370 --> 00:01:27,520
Aghh!
34
00:01:30,098 --> 00:01:32,967
April, could you
call maintenance please?
35
00:01:45,625 --> 00:01:49,625
Parks and Recreation
S05E17
Partridge
36
00:01:49,669 --> 00:01:54,669
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com
37
00:01:55,330 --> 00:01:57,325
Okay, move a little bit
to your left
38
00:01:57,343 --> 00:01:58,786
and then turn to the side.
39
00:01:58,810 --> 00:02:01,088
Okay, and freeze.
40
00:02:01,136 --> 00:02:03,024
That is the exact spot
41
00:02:03,111 --> 00:02:05,635
where an 18-year-old
Ben Wyatt was inaugurated
42
00:02:05,654 --> 00:02:07,164
as mayor of Partridge,
Minnesota.
43
00:02:07,188 --> 00:02:09,834
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Yes, congratulations to you.
44
00:02:09,846 --> 00:02:11,034
- I don't know.
- I have chills.
45
00:02:11,052 --> 00:02:13,184
Can't believe they're finally
giving me the key to the city.
46
00:02:13,196 --> 00:02:14,992
I can't believe
it took so long.
47
00:02:15,054 --> 00:02:17,712
They gave the key to every other
mayor in the town's history,
48
00:02:17,725 --> 00:02:20,411
and I guarantee that none of them
had as cute a butt as you do.
49
00:02:20,423 --> 00:02:23,936
And none of them caused the city's
unemployment rate to hit 30%.
50
00:02:23,986 --> 00:02:26,286
You're so sexy when you talk
about percentages.
51
00:02:26,423 --> 00:02:29,058
When Ben was mayor,
he sunk all of the town's money
52
00:02:29,077 --> 00:02:31,919
into a winter sports complex
called "Ice Town,"
53
00:02:31,936 --> 00:02:33,276
and they went bankrupt.
54
00:02:33,294 --> 00:02:36,154
Now they've invited him back
as a gesture of goodwill,
55
00:02:36,185 --> 00:02:39,638
and he'll finally get some closure
on this miserable chapter in his life.
56
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,280
Yay, Ben!
57
00:02:41,311 --> 00:02:42,230
Town hero!
58
00:02:42,267 --> 00:02:45,116
- Yes!
- Whoo!
59
00:02:46,937 --> 00:02:50,469
Well, if it isn't
the defendant, Ron Swansuck.
60
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:52,607
Why are you doing this, Jamm?
61
00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:54,474
This lawsuit is
Chronicles of Riddick-ulous.
62
00:02:54,499 --> 00:02:55,330
I'll tell you why.
63
00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:57,869
It's 'cause I'm sick of
this whole Parks and Rec gang.
64
00:02:57,887 --> 00:02:58,701
That's why.
65
00:02:58,726 --> 00:03:01,099
This munch throws me
into a swimming pool.
66
00:03:01,208 --> 00:03:02,984
The nurse still
won't have sex with me,
67
00:03:02,996 --> 00:03:04,316
and she's not even queer.
68
00:03:04,328 --> 00:03:06,538
Now Swansuck punches me
in the mouth.
69
00:03:06,624 --> 00:03:09,243
It's what we
in the Jamm family call...
70
00:03:09,329 --> 00:03:10,196
"Payback time."
71
00:03:10,214 --> 00:03:11,246
Everyone calls it that.
72
00:03:11,258 --> 00:03:12,869
Yeah, because I invented it.
73
00:03:12,891 --> 00:03:15,518
Yeah, you're not gonna win
$50 million, you freak.
74
00:03:15,542 --> 00:03:16,487
Maybe not,
75
00:03:16,543 --> 00:03:19,812
but I'm not not going
to win nothing.
76
00:03:20,358 --> 00:03:21,641
Paul.
77
00:03:22,867 --> 00:03:23,992
That guy is a joke.
78
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,847
This lawsuit is definitely
getting thrown out.
79
00:03:25,885 --> 00:03:27,894
I don't know, those are
Jean-Ralphio's lawyers.
80
00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:29,338
They once got him $60,000
81
00:03:29,356 --> 00:03:31,376
'cause he got too scared
at a haunted house.
82
00:03:34,653 --> 00:03:36,626
Okay, are you done?
Are we done? Did we win?
83
00:03:36,657 --> 00:03:39,163
- You can't win this.
- You can win at anything.
84
00:03:39,307 --> 00:03:41,309
Last year I won
an organic gardening contest.
85
00:03:41,328 --> 00:03:42,861
Who were you competing against?
86
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:44,046
My own taste buds.
87
00:03:44,189 --> 00:03:47,573
I wanna have a baby, and Chris
has agreed to be the father.
88
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:50,186
My fertility counselor
showed me this online quiz
89
00:03:50,205 --> 00:03:52,508
that determines whether
we'd be compatible parents.
90
00:03:52,576 --> 00:03:54,724
If this were the '80s,
all we'd have to do is, like,
91
00:03:54,748 --> 00:03:57,059
not drop an egg
for a whole day.
92
00:03:57,239 --> 00:03:59,005
Stupid Internet.
93
00:03:59,108 --> 00:04:03,302
Okay, our official
co-parenting score is...
94
00:04:03,564 --> 00:04:05,877
58% compatibility.
95
00:04:05,970 --> 00:04:07,334
Not amazing.
96
00:04:07,367 --> 00:04:08,582
Oh, I think it's fantastic.
97
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,856
I think it's literally the best score
we could have hoped for.
98
00:04:10,924 --> 00:04:13,248
- Not sure that that's true.
- Oh, snap!
99
00:04:13,278 --> 00:04:14,627
I just filled it out for fun.
100
00:04:14,651 --> 00:04:17,622
Chris and I are 81% compatible.
101
00:04:18,063 --> 00:04:19,445
You wanna make a baby, Traeger?
102
00:04:19,583 --> 00:04:21,798
Your hair, my everything else.
103
00:04:21,978 --> 00:04:23,955
That kid would be unstoppable.
104
00:04:24,050 --> 00:04:26,114
Guys, I couldn't resist.
I did it too.
105
00:04:26,158 --> 00:04:28,944
Ann and I got 84%.
106
00:04:29,515 --> 00:04:33,113
- Well, this sucks.
- Yes, we did not win.
107
00:04:34,349 --> 00:04:36,775
So was, like,
Ben a bossy older brother?
108
00:04:36,793 --> 00:04:39,109
Did he make you watch
Star Wars movies?
109
00:04:39,185 --> 00:04:40,285
Make me?
110
00:04:40,332 --> 00:04:42,303
I loved those movies
just as much as he did.
111
00:04:42,322 --> 00:04:44,025
That's so cute.
112
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,458
Oh, you do a lot of hugging.
113
00:04:46,477 --> 00:04:48,517
Yeah, get used to it.
We're sisters now.
114
00:04:50,017 --> 00:04:51,989
Benji, I'm really glad
you came back for this.
115
00:04:52,007 --> 00:04:53,776
A lot of jerks around here
didn't think you'd show up.
116
00:04:53,810 --> 00:04:56,561
Well, I wasn't sure, but
Leslie gave me the extra push,
117
00:04:56,579 --> 00:05:00,192
and I figured it'd be nice to put the ice
town thing behind me once and for all.
118
00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:02,335
Now that you're both here,
let's get started.
119
00:05:02,406 --> 00:05:04,612
Just have a few questions.
120
00:05:05,322 --> 00:05:07,263
- You have a binder?
- That's right.
121
00:05:07,294 --> 00:05:08,779
Who were
Ben's high school girlfriends,
122
00:05:08,791 --> 00:05:10,618
and what base
do you think he got to?
123
00:05:10,676 --> 00:05:12,734
- Um...
- What's that?
124
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,993
And what exactly
did you witness?
125
00:05:15,028 --> 00:05:17,108
Defendant, alias Ron Swanson,
126
00:05:17,133 --> 00:05:19,279
alias my boss,
127
00:05:19,324 --> 00:05:22,131
used appropriate force
to prevent further damage
128
00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:24,062
to the wedding of Leslie Knope,
129
00:05:24,071 --> 00:05:25,747
alias my other boss.
130
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,049
You sound as if you have a
special interest in law enforcement.
131
00:05:28,068 --> 00:05:29,579
Yes, sir.
In fact, at the time,
132
00:05:29,595 --> 00:05:31,582
I was trying
to become a police officer
133
00:05:31,594 --> 00:05:33,055
but was deemed
unfit for the force.
134
00:05:33,094 --> 00:05:34,213
And what happened?
135
00:05:34,238 --> 00:05:34,976
Don't know.
136
00:05:35,006 --> 00:05:36,804
Well, I pooched the brain exam.
137
00:05:36,829 --> 00:05:40,707
Just to be safe, I wouldn't take
anything I say too seriously.
138
00:05:41,681 --> 00:05:43,009
Next witness, your honor.
139
00:05:43,069 --> 00:05:45,591
Ms. Ludgate, have you
ever heard Mr. Swanson
140
00:05:45,603 --> 00:05:47,457
threaten to hurt
councilman Jamm?
141
00:05:47,497 --> 00:05:49,354
Ronny?
Are you kidding me?
142
00:05:49,613 --> 00:05:52,147
I've never heard him threaten
to hurt anyone or anything.
143
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,805
The guy's, like, a vegetarian.
144
00:05:55,060 --> 00:05:58,065
Look at him, he's like
a big, old, soft teddy bear.
145
00:05:58,121 --> 00:05:59,353
His nickname around the office
146
00:05:59,371 --> 00:06:02,511
is "Softy-Pants McHuggable."
147
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:03,795
Did you ever hear
Mr. Swanson
148
00:06:03,829 --> 00:06:06,045
say he intended to injure
councilman Jamm
149
00:06:06,069 --> 00:06:07,620
before the day of the wedding?
150
00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:10,221
The answer is a flat "no."
151
00:06:10,355 --> 00:06:12,293
Ron doesn't really pay
much attention to other people.
152
00:06:12,317 --> 00:06:13,999
I doubt he even knew
you existed.
153
00:06:14,018 --> 00:06:17,079
Also, may I say for the record,
that is a dope pocket square.
154
00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:18,400
Can I see that bad boy?
155
00:06:18,509 --> 00:06:21,975
Tom and April were excellent
witnesses in my defense.
156
00:06:22,073 --> 00:06:25,417
Unfortunately, every single word
out of their mouths was a lie.
157
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:27,968
There's only one thing
I hate more than lying.
158
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:29,321
Skim milk.
159
00:06:29,354 --> 00:06:33,017
Which is water that's lying
about being milk.
160
00:06:33,910 --> 00:06:36,469
Despite everything
that happened 20 years ago,
161
00:06:36,494 --> 00:06:39,205
this will always be
my hometown.
162
00:06:40,250 --> 00:06:41,280
Are you crying again?
163
00:06:41,311 --> 00:06:43,414
It's just every time
you say that speech,
164
00:06:43,439 --> 00:06:45,760
I think about where you've been
and where you're going
165
00:06:45,779 --> 00:06:48,313
and our future children
and America
166
00:06:48,338 --> 00:06:50,643
and just our history
as a nation.
167
00:06:50,679 --> 00:06:52,472
Wow, I didn't think
about all that,
168
00:06:52,490 --> 00:06:54,739
but I thought it was good.
- Thanks, Steph.
169
00:06:54,777 --> 00:06:57,300
Ah, I'm feeling sweaty.
Do I look swe--
170
00:06:57,319 --> 00:07:00,674
I feel--oh, I need to use
the bathroom one more time.
171
00:07:00,706 --> 00:07:02,320
That's, like,
five times in an hour.
172
00:07:02,432 --> 00:07:04,572
Well, somebody's nervous
about the ceremony.
173
00:07:04,578 --> 00:07:05,460
I don't blame him.
174
00:07:05,472 --> 00:07:08,324
He didn't exactly leave Partridge
as the most popular guy in town.
175
00:07:08,404 --> 00:07:11,042
Ben?
176
00:07:11,171 --> 00:07:12,119
Oh, my God.
177
00:07:14,156 --> 00:07:15,981
Are you okay?
178
00:07:16,539 --> 00:07:18,237
I think I'm giving birth.
179
00:07:18,745 --> 00:07:20,154
Is that possible?
No, right?
180
00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:21,613
- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, God!
181
00:07:21,622 --> 00:07:22,923
I'll call an ambulance.
182
00:07:22,941 --> 00:07:24,630
Oh, God! It's twins!
183
00:07:24,655 --> 00:07:26,944
- I'm having twins!
- Oh! Okay.
184
00:07:29,291 --> 00:07:32,264
- Kidney stone?
- Yep. Big sucker too.
185
00:07:32,353 --> 00:07:34,382
We're gonna have to keep him
here until it passes.
186
00:07:34,394 --> 00:07:37,774
Leslie
and Dr. Clipperton...
187
00:07:37,993 --> 00:07:41,649
Wow, man, I'm so glad
you guys are meeting.
188
00:07:41,693 --> 00:07:44,831
It's like worlds collide.
You know, I love it.
189
00:07:45,168 --> 00:07:46,868
I want candy.
190
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,147
What is he on?
191
00:07:48,171 --> 00:07:49,967
Morphine.
It's good stuff.
192
00:07:49,998 --> 00:07:51,130
Leslie, come here.
193
00:07:51,206 --> 00:07:53,327
Do you have any idea
how beautiful you are?
194
00:07:53,395 --> 00:07:56,224
I'm serious.
You're like a flower.
195
00:07:56,242 --> 00:08:00,475
Or, no, like a snug-bug
or like a snugger-doodle
196
00:08:00,505 --> 00:08:01,805
or something like that.
197
00:08:01,816 --> 00:08:04,417
We should just go for it,
you know?
198
00:08:04,694 --> 00:08:05,900
Life.
199
00:08:05,932 --> 00:08:09,070
We have a ceremony
we need to be at in two hours.
200
00:08:09,083 --> 00:08:10,564
Is there anything
that we can do?
201
00:08:10,612 --> 00:08:13,393
Sorry, Ice Town, you're not going
anywhere for at least a day.
202
00:08:13,898 --> 00:08:15,586
Okay, well,
I'll call Mayor Stice,
203
00:08:15,598 --> 00:08:17,092
and we'll reschedule
the ceremony.
204
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:19,328
No, this town expects me
to wuss out.
205
00:08:19,359 --> 00:08:20,628
I'm making that speech,
206
00:08:20,653 --> 00:08:24,030
and I'm simply gonna explain to
the crowd that love is everywhere
207
00:08:24,054 --> 00:08:27,313
and they have to surrender to the
flow of the universe, you know?
208
00:08:27,412 --> 00:08:29,246
Price Is Right is on, I think.
209
00:08:29,708 --> 00:08:33,822
Oh, you remember staying home
sick from school...
210
00:08:34,746 --> 00:08:36,813
watching The Price Is Right?
211
00:08:36,879 --> 00:08:38,907
Oh, God.
212
00:08:40,021 --> 00:08:41,811
Look, I know that this
is just a silly quiz,
213
00:08:41,844 --> 00:08:44,079
but it is so discouraging
to do so poorly.
214
00:08:44,112 --> 00:08:47,543
Well, look, this is not the only way
to see if we would be good parents.
215
00:08:47,631 --> 00:08:48,804
I know it's a little lame,
216
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,823
but I bought a dozen eggs
at the grocery store,
217
00:08:50,841 --> 00:08:53,898
and I thought we could do that thing where
we pretend the egg is a kid for a day.
218
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,435
That's a great idea!
219
00:08:55,606 --> 00:08:57,369
I don't see them.
220
00:08:57,824 --> 00:08:58,813
Oh, my God.
221
00:08:59,018 --> 00:09:01,093
- I left them at the grocery store.
- Oh, boy.
222
00:09:01,204 --> 00:09:02,418
I bought 12 babies,
223
00:09:02,424 --> 00:09:04,425
and then I immediately
abandoned them at a Kroger's.
224
00:09:04,437 --> 00:09:06,380
Look, we can use
anything as a baby.
225
00:09:06,392 --> 00:09:09,094
I mean, we could use this mug.
226
00:09:15,078 --> 00:09:16,547
I don't understand.
I was great.
227
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,462
I was like Mark Z
in The Social "N."
228
00:09:18,490 --> 00:09:20,015
My testimony was amazing
for your case.
229
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:21,553
But it wasn't the truth.
230
00:09:21,591 --> 00:09:22,988
And neither was yours.
231
00:09:23,023 --> 00:09:25,298
You even called me a...
vegetarian.
232
00:09:25,713 --> 00:09:27,313
What if that testimony leaks?
233
00:09:27,356 --> 00:09:28,815
How will people
ever respect me?
234
00:09:28,828 --> 00:09:31,547
Ugh, whatever.
The truth is stupid.
235
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:34,298
I only tell the truth when it
makes me sound like I'm lying.
236
00:09:34,317 --> 00:09:36,073
Yeah, lying is all I know.
237
00:09:36,136 --> 00:09:38,445
It's how I was able to scrape by
on the streets of Bombay
238
00:09:38,464 --> 00:09:40,708
and make it on the Indian version
of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire
239
00:09:40,727 --> 00:09:42,408
and get reunited
with the love of my life,
240
00:09:42,458 --> 00:09:43,389
Latika.
241
00:09:43,401 --> 00:09:45,509
You could both take
a lesson from Andrew.
242
00:09:45,521 --> 00:09:47,837
He told the truth
about everything he was asked,
243
00:09:47,867 --> 00:09:49,862
even when it was
humiliating for him.
244
00:09:49,886 --> 00:09:52,333
That's right.
I love telling the truth.
245
00:09:52,396 --> 00:09:53,353
Case in point,
246
00:09:53,391 --> 00:09:55,033
sometimes when I blow my nose,
I get a boner.
247
00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:57,167
I don't know why.
It just happens.
248
00:09:57,270 --> 00:09:58,420
Truth bomb.
249
00:09:58,486 --> 00:10:00,260
I'm gonna call you both
back in that room,
250
00:10:00,278 --> 00:10:01,808
and you'll recant
your testimony.
251
00:10:01,839 --> 00:10:04,203
- No!
- You committed perjury.
252
00:10:04,283 --> 00:10:06,821
But more importantly,
you've dishonored yourselves.
253
00:10:07,257 --> 00:10:08,595
Oh, brother.
254
00:10:10,976 --> 00:10:12,608
They are so young.
255
00:10:12,652 --> 00:10:14,723
So much to learn.
256
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,113
- What are you talking about?
- I know, right?
257
00:10:19,524 --> 00:10:20,791
Wisdom.
258
00:10:21,132 --> 00:10:22,156
Sick?
259
00:10:22,212 --> 00:10:24,905
Do you really expect me to believe that?
What has he got, acute wimping out?
260
00:10:24,936 --> 00:10:26,972
No, he has kidney stones.
We have proof.
261
00:10:26,977 --> 00:10:31,050
Yeah, I took a video of him
at the hospital an hour ago.
262
00:10:31,526 --> 00:10:34,328
I feel like I never gave
Miles Davis proper shrift.
263
00:10:34,433 --> 00:10:36,406
Like, I just didn't
get into it.
264
00:10:36,449 --> 00:10:39,651
But the good news is I'm here
to accept the key on his behalf.
265
00:10:39,962 --> 00:10:41,462
Boy, it's just a real shame
266
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:44,012
it had to happen today
of all days.
267
00:10:44,116 --> 00:10:45,248
Damn it!
268
00:10:46,251 --> 00:10:47,708
Excuse me.
269
00:10:48,086 --> 00:10:49,379
Hi.
Everything okay?
270
00:10:49,392 --> 00:10:50,735
You want me to come back
to the hospital?
271
00:10:50,753 --> 00:10:52,899
Pfft, nah.
I'm goodie goodie.
272
00:10:52,958 --> 00:10:55,022
You just do your thing,
baby smurf.
273
00:10:55,053 --> 00:10:56,465
I mean, I wish you were here.
274
00:10:56,496 --> 00:10:58,415
It seems pretty fun
and festive.
275
00:10:58,450 --> 00:10:59,748
Town mascot is here.
276
00:10:59,773 --> 00:11:00,992
Fred the Sled?
277
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:04,004
They only bring him out
for special occasions.
278
00:11:04,154 --> 00:11:06,556
I can't believe they're doing
all this for me.
279
00:11:06,876 --> 00:11:08,656
The universe is love.
280
00:11:08,681 --> 00:11:11,081
Okay, stay away
from sharp things.
281
00:11:11,242 --> 00:11:12,508
Well, well, well,
282
00:11:12,526 --> 00:11:15,058
heard you want to recant
your earlier statements.
283
00:11:15,121 --> 00:11:17,700
Yes, I misremembered
some things.
284
00:11:17,725 --> 00:11:20,058
I did in fact hear
Ron Swanson say
285
00:11:20,083 --> 00:11:22,569
he intended to injure
Jeremy Jamm.
286
00:11:22,843 --> 00:11:24,331
Boom, knew it.
287
00:11:24,343 --> 00:11:26,929
- Tell us about it, please.
- Which time?
288
00:11:27,140 --> 00:11:28,515
Well, how many were there?
289
00:11:28,603 --> 00:11:30,234
Well...
290
00:11:30,462 --> 00:11:31,572
Yeah, we did a trade.
291
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,360
I gave his wife new enamels,
292
00:11:33,497 --> 00:11:35,512
he gave my wife new yabbos.
293
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:37,363
Who's that gentleman?
294
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:38,987
Jeremy Jamm, city councilman.
295
00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,584
- You don't know him?
- Never met him.
296
00:11:40,590 --> 00:11:43,453
He looks like he could use a swift
punch in the face though.
297
00:11:43,931 --> 00:11:45,040
Yes!
298
00:11:45,058 --> 00:11:48,267
And then before he can say anything,
I just run over, shove him into the pool.
299
00:11:48,298 --> 00:11:49,324
Bully for you.
300
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:52,701
If it were me, I would have
just punched him in the face.
301
00:11:53,917 --> 00:11:55,317
What's up, Ron?
302
00:11:55,401 --> 00:11:58,337
Just daydreaming
about punching Jamm in the face.
303
00:11:58,414 --> 00:11:59,789
And there were
a few other times too.
304
00:11:59,814 --> 00:12:02,150
- We get the picture, son.
- Hold on.
305
00:12:02,174 --> 00:12:05,309
We need your full,
truthful testimony on record.
306
00:12:05,405 --> 00:12:07,634
Keep going, Tom.
307
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:10,634
But now, 20 years later,
308
00:12:10,725 --> 00:12:12,818
the city has finally healed
309
00:12:12,877 --> 00:12:16,207
from the festering wound
of Ice Town.
310
00:12:16,286 --> 00:12:20,185
Today we put those horribly
painful memories behind us
311
00:12:20,204 --> 00:12:24,131
as we welcome back the mayor
who made all of that possible,
312
00:12:25,482 --> 00:12:26,945
Ben Wyatt.
313
00:12:28,652 --> 00:12:30,535
Oh, that's a typo.
That's a major typo.
314
00:12:30,563 --> 00:12:32,664
That says "Ice Clown."
315
00:12:32,692 --> 00:12:34,279
I'm just realizing now
that's not a typo.
316
00:12:34,310 --> 00:12:36,470
Hey, aren't you his sister?
317
00:12:36,628 --> 00:12:37,828
I gotta get outta here.
318
00:12:37,863 --> 00:12:39,113
Good luck, Leslie.
319
00:12:39,138 --> 00:12:42,226
Here to accept the key
to the city of Partridge,
320
00:12:42,251 --> 00:12:45,176
because Mr. Wyatt
is conveniently ill,
321
00:12:45,362 --> 00:12:47,663
is his wife Leslie Knope.
322
00:12:50,551 --> 00:12:51,918
And it's water.
323
00:12:53,117 --> 00:12:56,626
Uhoh, the key was made of ice.
324
00:12:56,700 --> 00:13:00,328
And much like the hopes and dreams
of the people of Partridge,
325
00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:02,280
it melted away.
326
00:13:02,561 --> 00:13:05,189
Again, this would all be way
more satisfying if Ben was here.
327
00:13:05,207 --> 00:13:06,852
Okay, excuse me.
328
00:13:06,885 --> 00:13:08,848
I would like to point out
that we drove
329
00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:10,828
all the way here
from Pawnee, Indiana,
330
00:13:10,846 --> 00:13:13,182
a city with some class,
by the way.
331
00:13:13,685 --> 00:13:17,651
And, sure, my husband made
an honest mistake 20 years ago.
332
00:13:17,808 --> 00:13:19,701
But it was very meaningful
that you were gonna finally...
333
00:13:19,725 --> 00:13:21,174
- Hi, Leslie.
- Be able to forgive him.
334
00:13:21,199 --> 00:13:23,293
If it's so meaningful to him,
then where is he?
335
00:13:23,305 --> 00:13:24,787
He's in the hospital, sir.
336
00:13:24,806 --> 00:13:27,670
He has a calcified rock
lodged in his penis!
337
00:13:28,732 --> 00:13:31,615
Frankly, Ben Wyatt is the best thing
to ever come out of this crap town.
338
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,882
Oh, yeah?
What about Judy Garland?
339
00:13:34,029 --> 00:13:35,579
Judy Garland's from Partridge?
340
00:13:35,598 --> 00:13:37,550
She lived here for a while.
341
00:13:37,571 --> 00:13:38,925
And Lee Janzen.
342
00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:40,081
Who's Lee Janzen?
343
00:13:40,106 --> 00:13:41,920
He's a golfer.
He's pretty good.
344
00:13:41,957 --> 00:13:43,938
Well, Ben Wyatt's
better than Lee Janzen,
345
00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:45,382
and he's better
than Judy Garland.
346
00:13:46,387 --> 00:13:48,212
That's crazy.
Judy Garland's amazing.
347
00:13:48,309 --> 00:13:51,528
But Ben Wyatt is better than all of you
because he cared about this town,
348
00:13:51,547 --> 00:13:52,878
and he tried to help it.
349
00:13:52,931 --> 00:13:54,598
You know, screw you, Partridge.
350
00:13:56,223 --> 00:13:59,662
And a sled is a stupid mascot.
351
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,302
Thank you, Ms. Ludgate.
352
00:14:03,390 --> 00:14:06,046
It is now quite clear
that on innumerable occasions
353
00:14:06,064 --> 00:14:08,918
Ron Swanson said he intended
to punch councilman Jamm
354
00:14:08,937 --> 00:14:10,723
in the face, and then he did.
355
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:12,087
Yeah, but who cares?
356
00:14:12,105 --> 00:14:13,237
He says a lot of things.
357
00:14:13,260 --> 00:14:15,070
He's always talking about
overthrowing the government,
358
00:14:15,095 --> 00:14:16,175
but he never does that.
359
00:14:16,199 --> 00:14:17,602
Well, that'll make
a nice pull quote
360
00:14:17,626 --> 00:14:20,555
for the article about me
taking you to the cleaners.
361
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:24,233
Mr. Swanson, if you'd like
to make a statement, you may.
362
00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:27,149
On the night I punched
councilman Jamm in the face,
363
00:14:27,161 --> 00:14:29,253
I warned him several times
to back off.
364
00:14:29,290 --> 00:14:32,183
And instead,
he attacked me twice.
365
00:14:32,332 --> 00:14:34,902
Truthfully, I barely
registered his attack.
366
00:14:35,115 --> 00:14:37,572
He's incredibly frail,
and his arms are weak.
367
00:14:37,698 --> 00:14:39,554
And when I punched him,
he dropped so quickly,
368
00:14:39,566 --> 00:14:41,965
I thought he was diving
towards the ground.
369
00:14:42,272 --> 00:14:44,574
I regret nothing.
The end.
370
00:14:44,714 --> 00:14:48,763
Well, this turned out better
than I ever imagined.
371
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,740
You got Jammed
by your own team.
372
00:14:50,851 --> 00:14:51,996
Self-Jamm!
373
00:14:52,052 --> 00:14:53,202
I'll see you in court, Swanson,
374
00:14:53,233 --> 00:14:55,502
and, uh, bring your checkbook.
375
00:14:55,607 --> 00:14:58,275
I would like to punch you
in the face again.
376
00:14:58,791 --> 00:15:01,372
Okay, Paul, let's go.
377
00:15:03,064 --> 00:15:04,308
I'm glad you're feeling better.
378
00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:06,456
Well,
get your normal conversation
379
00:15:06,487 --> 00:15:07,637
in with me while you can.
380
00:15:07,661 --> 00:15:10,334
Got about 20 minutes
before I get all loopy again.
381
00:15:10,623 --> 00:15:12,604
Mm, let me see the key.
382
00:15:12,648 --> 00:15:14,788
Oh, uh, they took it back.
383
00:15:14,852 --> 00:15:16,446
They wanted to get it engraved.
384
00:15:16,477 --> 00:15:17,109
Huh.
385
00:15:17,134 --> 00:15:18,693
You know,
the key is just a metaphor.
386
00:15:18,712 --> 00:15:21,766
I mean, the real key has been
inside you all along.
387
00:15:21,874 --> 00:15:23,081
It was a setup, wasn't it?
388
00:15:23,112 --> 00:15:24,904
They were gonna make fun of me?
389
00:15:25,979 --> 00:15:27,160
Yes.
390
00:15:27,258 --> 00:15:30,293
Ice Town was a debacle.
They'll never get over it.
391
00:15:30,572 --> 00:15:31,866
Just don't know
why I got my hopes up.
392
00:15:31,891 --> 00:15:33,758
It's so unfair.
You worked so hard.
393
00:15:33,783 --> 00:15:35,046
You've done
so many great things.
394
00:15:35,057 --> 00:15:38,279
And for your hometown
to treat you this way is just--
395
00:15:39,528 --> 00:15:40,720
You know what, screw this.
396
00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:42,261
We're gonna make one more stop
before we leave.
397
00:15:42,279 --> 00:15:44,492
Tuck in your shirt.
We're going to city hall.
398
00:15:44,745 --> 00:15:47,336
So, Dr. Van Dyne, we took
the compatibility test
399
00:15:47,361 --> 00:15:49,941
that you recommended,
and we didn't do amazing.
400
00:15:50,105 --> 00:15:53,311
But I'm sure that happens
with a lot of couples, right?
401
00:15:53,323 --> 00:15:54,566
And it's not like we failed.
402
00:15:54,597 --> 00:15:55,950
We got a 58%,
403
00:15:55,981 --> 00:15:58,769
which as I'm saying it, sounds
very clearly like we failed.
404
00:15:58,913 --> 00:16:01,424
Look, there are many ways
to judge compatibility.
405
00:16:01,499 --> 00:16:03,677
Okay, you know what,
let's do a little exercise.
406
00:16:03,795 --> 00:16:06,631
I'm gonna say something
about your future child,
407
00:16:06,734 --> 00:16:09,354
and then you just say the first thing
that pops into your mind.
408
00:16:09,394 --> 00:16:11,061
Okay?
Gender.
409
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,228
- Girl.
- Boy.
410
00:16:12,324 --> 00:16:14,058
Okay.
Religion.
411
00:16:14,118 --> 00:16:15,254
- Buddhist.
- Whatever he wants.
412
00:16:15,285 --> 00:16:16,917
Whatever he wants.
413
00:16:17,140 --> 00:16:18,807
Um, how 'bout occupation?
414
00:16:18,987 --> 00:16:21,056
- Teacher.
- Sixtime tour de France champion.
415
00:16:21,152 --> 00:16:21,756
Really?
416
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:24,020
Okay, I'm sorry,
are you guys complete strangers?
417
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:26,442
Is this one of those
craigslist father situations?
418
00:16:26,467 --> 00:16:27,323
No, no, no.
419
00:16:27,341 --> 00:16:29,369
We actually know each other
quite well.
420
00:16:29,381 --> 00:16:31,257
Yeah, we used to date actually,
421
00:16:31,319 --> 00:16:32,740
but it didn't work out
422
00:16:32,790 --> 00:16:35,321
because we had
some compatibility issues.
423
00:16:35,530 --> 00:16:38,393
You know what, why don't we just
try one more compatibility test?
424
00:16:38,424 --> 00:16:39,957
- Great, let's do it!
- No, let's not.
425
00:16:42,056 --> 00:16:43,927
Okay, well,
we all told the truth,
426
00:16:43,946 --> 00:16:45,732
and Jamm's definitely
going to win.
427
00:16:45,775 --> 00:16:46,707
What do we do now?
428
00:16:46,718 --> 00:16:48,607
I intend to do
as the court orders.
429
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:51,604
Do you know if one can pay
court-ordered settlements in gold?
430
00:16:51,629 --> 00:16:53,317
All of my money's in gold.
431
00:16:53,514 --> 00:16:55,293
I also have some money
in palladium.
432
00:16:55,305 --> 00:16:57,709
What if it's a huge amount?
Are you gonna be okay financially?
433
00:16:57,727 --> 00:16:58,555
I think so.
434
00:16:58,580 --> 00:17:00,808
I'm actually not sure
how much money I have.
435
00:17:00,908 --> 00:17:03,377
But I do know how many pounds
of money I have.
436
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:05,365
Whoa, whoa, that is awesome.
437
00:17:05,377 --> 00:17:07,757
Yes, it is, and I'm definitely
tweeting that to Drake
438
00:17:07,769 --> 00:17:08,937
to use in his next rhymes,
439
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,845
but still I kinda feel
like this is our fault.
440
00:17:11,871 --> 00:17:14,939
Ugh, do we have to do
something nice now?
441
00:17:15,953 --> 00:17:18,163
Let me start by apologizing,
Mayor Stice.
442
00:17:18,188 --> 00:17:20,135
I had no right
to disparage your town.
443
00:17:20,185 --> 00:17:22,244
Well, I owe you guys
an apology too.
444
00:17:22,262 --> 00:17:25,025
I, uh, had a little
bad publicity lately,
445
00:17:25,049 --> 00:17:28,902
and frankly, it's still really easy
to score points by bashing Wyatt.
446
00:17:28,946 --> 00:17:32,015
Can't you just give Ben
a key to the city,
447
00:17:32,180 --> 00:17:34,176
here, now, in your office,
448
00:17:34,201 --> 00:17:36,279
where no one
will know your shame?
449
00:17:36,569 --> 00:17:38,095
- Sorry, babe.
- No worries.
450
00:17:38,163 --> 00:17:39,601
I love you.
451
00:17:39,647 --> 00:17:40,279
Aw.
452
00:17:40,298 --> 00:17:42,460
You know, if people found out
453
00:17:42,530 --> 00:17:44,731
I gave Wyatt
the key to the city,
454
00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:46,120
I would never
get re-elected.
455
00:17:46,138 --> 00:17:47,075
So...
456
00:17:47,137 --> 00:17:48,144
no.
457
00:17:48,293 --> 00:17:50,494
What are you doing there,
Wyatt?
458
00:17:50,691 --> 00:17:52,741
I'm feeding your eagle.
459
00:17:52,768 --> 00:17:54,663
He's starving.
460
00:17:54,764 --> 00:17:56,768
It's... it's bronze, babe.
461
00:17:56,791 --> 00:17:58,825
- Why?
- The eagle--
462
00:17:58,934 --> 00:18:00,602
We should go.
- Yeah.
463
00:18:01,918 --> 00:18:03,094
Ann Perkins.
464
00:18:03,151 --> 00:18:06,587
I know it didn't seem to go
very well at the counselor's.
465
00:18:06,910 --> 00:18:09,347
But I have found a new quiz,
466
00:18:09,578 --> 00:18:10,891
and I think we should take it.
467
00:18:10,928 --> 00:18:11,716
Are you sure?
468
00:18:11,741 --> 00:18:15,568
Everything we do makes it seem like it's
a bad idea for us to have a kid together.
469
00:18:15,655 --> 00:18:17,464
Maybe we shouldn't even
be friends.
470
00:18:17,735 --> 00:18:18,998
Take a look.
471
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:20,775
"Will you love our child
472
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:24,441
and work hard to see
that he or she has a good life?"
473
00:18:24,764 --> 00:18:27,147
You see, I think that's
the only question that matters.
474
00:18:27,209 --> 00:18:29,341
All the rest of it is details.
475
00:18:29,707 --> 00:18:30,742
Yes.
476
00:18:30,842 --> 00:18:32,849
The answer is yes.
477
00:18:33,608 --> 00:18:35,281
I said the exact same thing.
478
00:18:35,362 --> 00:18:38,126
We're 100% on the same page.
479
00:18:38,178 --> 00:18:39,512
Are you sure about this?
480
00:18:39,530 --> 00:18:41,625
You are caring,
481
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:42,737
intelligent,
482
00:18:42,768 --> 00:18:43,879
and reliable.
483
00:18:43,922 --> 00:18:46,510
And I am certain
that you will literally be
484
00:18:46,529 --> 00:18:48,784
the world's best mom.
485
00:18:49,393 --> 00:18:52,762
Wow.
This is really happening.
486
00:18:55,688 --> 00:18:57,944
- You know there's nothing in there
yet, right? - Yes, sorry.
487
00:18:58,696 --> 00:19:01,146
No, I was with Johnny Cougar
Mellencamp at that music fest.
488
00:19:01,164 --> 00:19:04,795
We both thought, biggest yabbos
we've ever seen in--
489
00:19:05,304 --> 00:19:07,061
What the hell?
That was important.
490
00:19:07,081 --> 00:19:08,798
Game's over, councilman.
491
00:19:08,923 --> 00:19:09,811
Drop the suit.
492
00:19:09,853 --> 00:19:12,003
And why exactly
would I do that?
493
00:19:12,030 --> 00:19:13,973
We took a look
at your affidavit.
494
00:19:14,023 --> 00:19:16,062
We cross-referenced it
with telephone records
495
00:19:16,086 --> 00:19:17,764
and eyewitness accounts,
496
00:19:17,788 --> 00:19:20,870
and, uh-oh,
we found 11 lies.
497
00:19:20,901 --> 00:19:22,637
Lying under oath
is called perjury,
498
00:19:22,707 --> 00:19:24,441
and they should know,
they did it yesterday.
499
00:19:24,678 --> 00:19:28,209
Well, I mean,
maybe I accidentally
500
00:19:28,246 --> 00:19:30,961
said something that wasn't--
501
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:32,540
Let me see that.
502
00:19:32,577 --> 00:19:34,719
Ow!
My wrist!
503
00:19:34,744 --> 00:19:36,546
You twisted my arm
like a maniac!
504
00:19:36,577 --> 00:19:39,033
- Oh, no!
- You monster.
505
00:19:39,052 --> 00:19:39,983
Ow!
506
00:19:40,001 --> 00:19:42,371
You assaulted me,
and I'm injured!
507
00:19:42,395 --> 00:19:43,764
Oh, my God, Tom, are you okay?
508
00:19:43,776 --> 00:19:45,383
All right, you know what,
I see what you're doing.
509
00:19:45,402 --> 00:19:46,652
I barely touched you.
510
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:47,804
That's not what I saw.
511
00:19:47,816 --> 00:19:50,118
My face!
Is my face still there?
512
00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:51,406
What happened to my knees?
513
00:19:51,431 --> 00:19:52,879
Someone please tell me
if Tom is okay.
514
00:19:52,885 --> 00:19:55,063
- Jamm, I'm gonna sue you.
- Okay, fine.
515
00:19:55,081 --> 00:19:59,044
Hey, listen, keep your mouths
shut about the affidavit,
516
00:19:59,075 --> 00:20:00,800
I'll drop the suit, okay?
517
00:20:00,914 --> 00:20:02,966
Hurry, Tom,
let's get you into surgery!
518
00:20:02,991 --> 00:20:04,179
Yeah.
519
00:20:04,961 --> 00:20:06,463
Yeah, it's me.
520
00:20:07,657 --> 00:20:09,470
We got Jammed.
521
00:20:10,430 --> 00:20:13,388
My friend Jack and I used to
fish this lake in the summer.
522
00:20:13,439 --> 00:20:16,574
One time,
our boat almost tipped over,
523
00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:19,184
but then it didn't.
524
00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:20,840
That's not a great story.
525
00:20:20,858 --> 00:20:23,111
Yeah, I had
a pretty uneventful childhood.
526
00:20:23,694 --> 00:20:25,664
I got you something.
527
00:20:26,477 --> 00:20:28,313
- No way.
- Yeah.
528
00:20:28,325 --> 00:20:29,882
Where did you get that?
529
00:20:29,907 --> 00:20:31,640
I stole it
from Mayor Stice's office.
530
00:20:31,677 --> 00:20:33,570
Screw that guy.
You should have it.
531
00:20:33,647 --> 00:20:36,482
You're the best wife
in the world.
532
00:20:36,711 --> 00:20:39,117
But I don't want this.
533
00:20:39,366 --> 00:20:40,410
Really?
534
00:20:40,454 --> 00:20:42,242
Yeah, I mean, I love Partridge,
535
00:20:42,258 --> 00:20:44,193
but I have Pawnee now.
536
00:20:44,234 --> 00:20:45,792
And I have you.
537
00:20:45,875 --> 00:20:47,424
Well, I'm not giving it
back to Stice.
538
00:20:47,442 --> 00:20:49,571
- That guy sucks.
- Yeah.
539
00:20:49,962 --> 00:20:52,297
Well, you know what then?
540
00:21:00,814 --> 00:21:03,249
Hey, lake's not
a garbage can, pal.
541
00:21:03,267 --> 00:21:05,350
Yeah, sorry, it was symbolic.
542
00:21:05,375 --> 00:21:06,739
Is that Ben Wyatt?
543
00:21:06,969 --> 00:21:08,536
Get the hell out of here,
Ice Town!
544
00:21:08,555 --> 00:21:10,336
- Run! Run!
- Go, go, go, go, go.
545
00:21:10,417 --> 00:21:12,151
Sorry.
546
00:21:12,226 --> 00:21:17,226
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com