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00:00:03,510 --> 00:00:07,694
Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted!
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00:00:07,728 --> 00:00:11,763
Article Two, Section Two
of the Pawnee Charter reads,
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00:00:11,847 --> 00:00:14,783
"Be it decreed:
Should the taxation of tea
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00:00:14,801 --> 00:00:16,618
"rise to an unacceptable level,
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00:00:16,636 --> 00:00:19,972
citizens shall dump Ted
into Ramsett Lake."
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00:00:22,141 --> 00:00:23,258
Does anyone object?
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00:00:23,292 --> 00:00:25,060
As always, I object.
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00:00:25,094 --> 00:00:26,845
Nay, enough dithering!
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00:00:26,896 --> 00:00:28,430
Dump the miscreant!
Boo!
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00:00:30,566 --> 00:00:33,802
Today is Ted Party Day,
where we commemorate
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00:00:33,836 --> 00:00:36,171
the great Pawnee tea dump
of 1817.
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Historical fun fact--
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when the Founding Fathers wrote
the charter,
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their old-timey script made
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one of the "a"s
look like a "d,"
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so "tea" became "Ted."
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It's just one
of those little things
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00:00:45,965 --> 00:00:48,717
that reminds us of Pawnee's
rich and vibrant past.
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Plus, we get to go find
a guy named Ted
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and throw him
in a lake.
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One!
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I don't even go by Ted!
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- Two!
- I go by Theodore!
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- Three!
- Aah!
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Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
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Hey, Ted.
Great job today.
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You were so funny
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when you were like,
"My cell phone,
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I left it in my pocket."
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Then you checked it, remember,
and it didn't work.
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Yeah, that was hilarious.
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Listen,
I am just here to say
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that I am done
with Ted Party Day.
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- Ha! Classic Ted.
- I'm serious.
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00:01:36,132 --> 00:01:37,582
I'm not getting dumped
in that lake anymore.
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And I talked
to the other Teds in town,
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and they're not doing it
either.
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Come on, Ted Party Day
is protected
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00:01:41,821 --> 00:01:43,255
by Article Two
in the town charter.
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And we have the right,
nay, the obligation,
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to dump Ted into the lake
every year.
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That's the way
it's always been done.
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00:01:48,795 --> 00:01:49,945
Okay, first of all,
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"That's the way
it's always been done"
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is not a good reason
to keep doing something.
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Second, it was a misprint.
They clearly meant "tea."
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I just think you need
to be careful
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about speculating
what the Founders meant
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00:01:59,505 --> 00:02:01,440
when they were writing
the town charter.
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00:02:01,474 --> 00:02:02,658
Okay, fine.
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00:02:02,692 --> 00:02:03,525
You want to enforce
every single old law
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00:02:03,543 --> 00:02:04,710
we have on our books?
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00:02:04,744 --> 00:02:05,878
Hey, can I see your keys
for a second?
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00:02:06,929 --> 00:02:08,296
Here's a quarter.
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00:02:08,330 --> 00:02:09,815
I own your car now.
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00:02:09,849 --> 00:02:11,566
- Wha--
- Sorry.
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00:02:11,601 --> 00:02:14,136
The Pawnee Charter clearly
states that any white citizen
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00:02:14,170 --> 00:02:16,188
has the right to seize
any Indian property
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00:02:16,239 --> 00:02:17,656
for 25 cents.
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00:02:17,707 --> 00:02:19,808
That is an outdated
and racist law.
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00:02:19,842 --> 00:02:21,977
And obviously they meant
"American Indian."
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Whoa, I think
we should be careful
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when we speculate
what the Founders intended
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when they wrote the charter.
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00:02:26,466 --> 00:02:28,400
Okay, Ted.
I know what you're doing.
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00:02:28,434 --> 00:02:29,885
You're quoting me back to me.
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00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:31,370
But I'm gonna quote me
back to you and say
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that Ted Party Day
will never change.
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00:02:33,289 --> 00:02:34,389
Uh-oh.
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00:02:34,423 --> 00:02:37,075
You, a woman,
just raised your voice
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00:02:37,110 --> 00:02:38,359
to a landowning male.
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According to a Pawnee statute
passed in 1868,
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I get to do this.
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00:02:46,869 --> 00:02:49,504
I was not aware
of that statute.
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00:02:50,590 --> 00:02:52,357
Ron, you have to help me.
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00:02:52,408 --> 00:02:53,742
Chris is making me do
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00:02:53,776 --> 00:02:55,644
some stupid management
training leadership course.
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00:02:55,678 --> 00:02:57,479
Now that you run
the Animal Control department,
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you have qualified
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00:02:58,881 --> 00:03:00,801
for the Chris Traeger
Management Training Seminar
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00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:02,417
or "Ka-tumts."
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00:03:02,452 --> 00:03:04,770
It's not a great acronym,
but it is a great seminar.
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00:03:04,804 --> 00:03:06,371
Can you get me out of it?
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00:03:06,406 --> 00:03:07,856
Yes.
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00:03:07,874 --> 00:03:09,541
Normally, if given a choice
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between doing something
and nothing,
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I'd choose to do nothing.
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But I will do something
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if it helps someone else
do nothing.
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I'd work all night
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00:03:16,532 --> 00:03:18,500
if it meant nothing got done.
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00:03:18,518 --> 00:03:20,218
Ron Swanson
and April Ludgate,
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00:03:20,269 --> 00:03:22,704
literally my two favorite people
in the catalogued universe.
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00:03:22,739 --> 00:03:24,806
April will not be
participating
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00:03:24,841 --> 00:03:26,308
in your pointless course
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00:03:26,342 --> 00:03:28,176
because she has
more important things to do
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like not participating
in your pointless course.
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I just want April
to become as great
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00:03:33,966 --> 00:03:35,517
a department head
as yourself.
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Which is why
this is pointless.
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00:03:37,353 --> 00:03:39,888
I've been head of the Parks
department for 12 years,
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00:03:39,922 --> 00:03:42,591
and I never had any
"management training" course.
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Ron, you've never been
"ka-tumtsed?"
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I am legally required
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00:03:46,712 --> 00:03:48,830
to ka-tumts
every department head.
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Otherwise, we are open
to all kinds of liability.
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00:03:50,817 --> 00:03:52,367
What are you saying?
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00:03:52,401 --> 00:03:53,668
I'm saying that tomorrow
during the seminar,
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April is going to have
a classmate.
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00:03:55,237 --> 00:03:56,588
And spoiler alert--
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- it's Alf.
- It's you.
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This went poorly.
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00:04:02,512 --> 00:04:04,579
What, no.
Damn it!
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00:04:04,597 --> 00:04:06,214
What are you bidding on?
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00:04:06,248 --> 00:04:07,516
It better not be
Terrence Howard's tank top
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00:04:07,550 --> 00:04:08,517
from Hustle & Flow.
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00:04:08,551 --> 00:04:10,285
- It is not.
- Good.
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00:04:10,319 --> 00:04:11,519
'Cause I am bidding on it
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00:04:11,537 --> 00:04:12,871
and I am ready to spend
an amount
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00:04:12,905 --> 00:04:14,706
that my accountant calls
"Dangerous and irresponsible."
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00:04:14,757 --> 00:04:17,359
JJ's diner put an old
waffle iron up for auction.
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00:04:17,393 --> 00:04:19,694
It's the perfect breakfast
day gift for Leslie.
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00:04:19,729 --> 00:04:20,879
"Breakfast day"?
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00:04:20,913 --> 00:04:22,914
Leslie has anniversaries
for everything.
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00:04:22,965 --> 00:04:25,233
"Zoo day," first time we went
to the zoo together.
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00:04:25,268 --> 00:04:26,618
"Double date day,"
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00:04:26,652 --> 00:04:27,619
it was the first time
we went on a double date.
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00:04:27,653 --> 00:04:28,903
"Daniel Day-Lewis day.
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00:04:28,921 --> 00:04:30,038
"Talk-like-a-pirate day.
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00:04:30,072 --> 00:04:31,556
Talk-like-a-Pittsburgh-pirate
day,"
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00:04:31,591 --> 00:04:33,358
which why and how?
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00:04:33,392 --> 00:04:36,328
This calendar was last year's
calendar day present
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00:04:36,362 --> 00:04:37,596
celebrating the first time
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00:04:37,630 --> 00:04:39,965
she ever bought me
a calendar.
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00:04:41,467 --> 00:04:43,185
You have to buy a present
for every one of these?
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00:04:43,219 --> 00:04:45,403
She always tells me not to,
but then she buys me something
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00:04:45,454 --> 00:04:47,422
that's awesome and thoughtful,
and then I feel terrible.
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00:04:47,456 --> 00:04:49,416
But that's the thing.
This is the perfect present.
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00:04:49,442 --> 00:04:51,243
I just keep getting outbid
by someone named
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00:04:51,277 --> 00:04:52,978
"Tall Tie-ree-on Lannister."
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00:04:53,012 --> 00:04:54,880
What kind of name is
Tie-ree-on anyway?
142
00:04:54,914 --> 00:04:57,766
You're kidding, right?
Tyrion Lannister?
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00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,151
Lord of Casterly Rock?
The Half-Man?
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00:05:00,203 --> 00:05:01,920
You don't watch
Game of Thrones?
145
00:05:01,954 --> 00:05:03,889
- No. You do?
- Hell yeah.
146
00:05:03,923 --> 00:05:05,924
Have you seen
those Dothraki dudes?
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00:05:05,975 --> 00:05:07,475
They can get it.
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00:05:07,510 --> 00:05:11,313
Everybody on that show
can get it.
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00:05:11,347 --> 00:05:13,465
I think I know
who I'm bidding against.
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00:05:13,499 --> 00:05:16,301
I now realize
that I was wrong,
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00:05:16,352 --> 00:05:18,353
and it's time
that we purged the books
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00:05:18,387 --> 00:05:22,073
of many of our town's
outdated and obscure laws.
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00:05:22,108 --> 00:05:23,324
The bill that I have written
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00:05:23,342 --> 00:05:25,010
with the full support
of the city council
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00:05:25,061 --> 00:05:28,113
will repeal 110 obsolete laws
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00:05:28,147 --> 00:05:30,832
such as all menstruating women
shall be confined
157
00:05:30,867 --> 00:05:31,917
to their bathtubs
158
00:05:31,951 --> 00:05:35,403
and Article Two,
aka, Ted Party Day.
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00:05:35,438 --> 00:05:37,639
The floor is now open
for public comments.
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00:05:37,657 --> 00:05:38,874
Oh, here we go.
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Thank you.
My name is Garth Blundin,
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and I object
to your ridiculous proposal.
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The Pawnee Charter
shall not be changed.
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00:05:46,548 --> 00:05:47,983
Not today, not ever!
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Wow, a lot of passion,
Mr. Blundin.
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Thank you so much.
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00:05:50,986 --> 00:05:52,537
Your objection is noted
and officially in the record.
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00:05:52,588 --> 00:05:55,190
- Shall we proceed to a vote?
- No. No, we shall not.
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Article Seven,
Section Three allows
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00:05:57,559 --> 00:06:00,194
for a "Citizen filibuster."
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00:06:00,212 --> 00:06:02,864
If I stand here
and refuse to yield my time,
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00:06:02,882 --> 00:06:05,350
you are prohibited
from voting on the bill.
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That section defines
"Buffalo meat"
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00:06:08,137 --> 00:06:09,487
as acceptable currency.
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00:06:09,522 --> 00:06:10,872
- Is that the Buffalo meat one?
- Mm-hmm.
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00:06:10,907 --> 00:06:14,943
I meant Article Three,
Section Seven.
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00:06:15,928 --> 00:06:18,430
Let the filibustering begin.
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00:06:18,464 --> 00:06:20,031
I would now like to share
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00:06:20,066 --> 00:06:23,685
some ideas I have for
J.J. Abrams' seventh chapter
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00:06:23,703 --> 00:06:25,420
in the Star Wars' saga.
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00:06:25,454 --> 00:06:28,456
Pan down from
the twin suns of Tatooine.
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00:06:28,474 --> 00:06:31,459
We are now close on the mouth
of the Sarlacc Pit.
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00:06:31,477 --> 00:06:32,811
After a beat,
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00:06:32,845 --> 00:06:36,681
the gloved Mandalorian
armor gauntlet of Boba Fett
185
00:06:36,732 --> 00:06:39,634
grabs onto the sand outside
of the Sarlacc Pit
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00:06:39,652 --> 00:06:42,654
and the feared bounty hunter
pulls himself
187
00:06:42,688 --> 00:06:45,573
from the maw
of the sand beast.
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00:06:45,608 --> 00:06:47,742
Ugh, he's right.
He can do this.
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00:06:47,777 --> 00:06:50,078
This is exactly why we need
to modernize these laws.
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00:06:50,112 --> 00:06:53,248
This kind of thing made sense
when we had council in a barn
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00:06:53,282 --> 00:06:54,816
and there were
80 people in the town,
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00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:57,002
but now this is nuts.
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00:06:57,036 --> 00:06:58,420
If he holds
the reality gem,
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00:06:58,454 --> 00:07:01,706
that means he can jump
from different realities.
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00:07:01,757 --> 00:07:03,425
This will be our link
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00:07:03,459 --> 00:07:05,543
to the Marvel Universe
from the Star Wars Universe.
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00:07:07,359 --> 00:07:09,843
Imagine those who
were up against Chewbacca
198
00:07:09,935 --> 00:07:12,920
'cause that's gonna happen.
After a beat, Luke says,
199
00:07:13,004 --> 00:07:15,105
"Darth Vader was my father,
but Ben Kenobi was my master."
200
00:07:15,623 --> 00:07:17,440
And he cuts Hannibal Lecter
in half.
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00:07:17,458 --> 00:07:18,591
Mr. Blundin,
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00:07:18,642 --> 00:07:20,560
look, the laws
I'm trying to get rid of
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00:07:20,611 --> 00:07:22,445
have no more relevance
in modern society
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00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,030
and they're embarrassing
to Pawnee.
205
00:07:24,065 --> 00:07:27,067
Repealing them would show that
we're changing with the times.
206
00:07:27,101 --> 00:07:29,686
You can't just change
the charter willy-nilly.
207
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,688
You start by casually repealing
a couple of "old laws,"
208
00:07:32,707 --> 00:07:35,175
the next thing you know,
your jack-booted storm troopers
209
00:07:35,226 --> 00:07:37,644
are kicking in my door
and arresting my wife
210
00:07:37,678 --> 00:07:39,162
for no reason
if I were married.
211
00:07:39,196 --> 00:07:40,396
By "jack-booted
storm troopers,"
212
00:07:40,414 --> 00:07:41,965
do you mean
the Pawnee Police Department?
213
00:07:41,999 --> 00:07:44,300
- Hey, Clyde.
- Hi, Leslie.
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00:07:44,335 --> 00:07:45,752
Good Danish today.
215
00:07:45,786 --> 00:07:48,955
The Pawnee charter is not
a "living document," Ms. Knope.
216
00:07:48,989 --> 00:07:51,091
You have no respect
for the traditions of this town.
217
00:07:51,142 --> 00:07:52,642
I absolutely do.
218
00:07:52,676 --> 00:07:55,195
I used to give tours
at the Pawnee Historical House.
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00:07:55,229 --> 00:07:57,080
Three times,
"Employee Of The Fortnight."
220
00:07:57,114 --> 00:07:59,733
Oh, big deal, you put
on a costume for a couple hours.
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00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:02,385
By that logic, every time
I go to bed at night,
222
00:08:02,419 --> 00:08:03,870
I am Wolverine.
223
00:08:03,904 --> 00:08:05,538
You bought
X-Men pajamas?
224
00:08:05,573 --> 00:08:07,807
I won them, madam,
in a raffle.
225
00:08:07,842 --> 00:08:09,559
The point is is that
our Founding Fathers
226
00:08:09,593 --> 00:08:11,154
were brilliant
and they were courageous,
227
00:08:11,162 --> 00:08:12,712
but they also had
wooden teeth
228
00:08:12,747 --> 00:08:14,164
and pooped in holes
in the ground.
229
00:08:14,198 --> 00:08:16,166
It was a more primitive time.
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00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:17,867
It was a better time.
231
00:08:17,885 --> 00:08:20,787
You wouldn't have survived
two weeks in their day.
232
00:08:20,821 --> 00:08:22,939
Oh, really?
How about a little wager?
233
00:08:22,957 --> 00:08:25,374
How about you and I go live
in that historical house,
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00:08:25,392 --> 00:08:28,611
no modern technology,
1817 rules.
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00:08:28,646 --> 00:08:30,447
If you last longer,
I withdraw my bill.
236
00:08:30,481 --> 00:08:32,632
I win,
you stop this nonsense.
237
00:08:32,666 --> 00:08:36,319
You have yourself a deal.
238
00:08:36,353 --> 00:08:37,520
Please write down
239
00:08:37,538 --> 00:08:39,506
what you hope to gain
from the seminar,
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00:08:39,540 --> 00:08:40,807
seal it in the envelope,
241
00:08:40,841 --> 00:08:42,225
and then we'll open it
when it's over.
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00:08:42,259 --> 00:08:44,110
When is this over?
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00:08:44,145 --> 00:08:45,145
As soon as you learn
to embrace
244
00:08:45,179 --> 00:08:47,647
the power
of positive motivation.
245
00:08:47,698 --> 00:08:49,415
It's a nine-hour seminar
over two days.
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00:08:49,450 --> 00:08:51,067
- Whoa!
- Oh, good.
247
00:08:51,102 --> 00:08:52,168
All right, let's begin.
248
00:08:52,186 --> 00:08:54,521
Hop on board
"The Management Train."
249
00:08:54,555 --> 00:08:56,906
First stop--
Motivation Station.
250
00:08:58,092 --> 00:08:59,375
All aboard!
251
00:09:00,427 --> 00:09:02,879
Stop bidding on
my waffle iron.
252
00:09:02,897 --> 00:09:04,464
You're FutureMrsTigerWoods?
253
00:09:04,498 --> 00:09:05,832
I made that profile,
like, ten years ago.
254
00:09:05,866 --> 00:09:07,026
I don't know how
to change it.
255
00:09:07,051 --> 00:09:09,002
The point is I'm getting
that waffle iron
256
00:09:09,053 --> 00:09:10,854
for Leslie
for breakfast day.
257
00:09:10,888 --> 00:09:11,938
Uh, no, you're not.
258
00:09:11,989 --> 00:09:13,573
I'm getting it for her
for waffle day.
259
00:09:13,624 --> 00:09:15,125
Wait, you have
a breakfast day too?
260
00:09:15,159 --> 00:09:16,959
- Mine's in June.
- Please, Ben.
261
00:09:16,977 --> 00:09:18,678
This is the celebration
of the anniversary
262
00:09:18,729 --> 00:09:20,013
of the first time
we hung out at JJ's,
263
00:09:20,064 --> 00:09:22,182
which she considers
the beginning of our friendship.
264
00:09:22,216 --> 00:09:24,033
Well, imagine
being married to her.
265
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:26,669
It's like being smothered
with a hand-quilted pillow
266
00:09:26,704 --> 00:09:28,388
filled
with cherished memories.
267
00:09:28,422 --> 00:09:29,722
I can't believe
I'm complaining about
268
00:09:29,757 --> 00:09:31,157
how thoughtful my wife is.
269
00:09:31,192 --> 00:09:32,942
Sorry, honey.
I love you.
270
00:09:32,977 --> 00:09:34,110
Look, I have known her
for longer,
271
00:09:34,144 --> 00:09:35,995
I have five years' worth
of anniversaries,
272
00:09:36,046 --> 00:09:37,180
so I have seniority.
273
00:09:37,214 --> 00:09:38,247
Oh, God. Oh, no.
274
00:09:38,265 --> 00:09:39,732
- We've lost the auction.
- What-no.
275
00:09:39,767 --> 00:09:41,287
Somebody swooped in
at the last second,
276
00:09:41,318 --> 00:09:44,037
- and now we're both screwed.
- No.
277
00:09:44,071 --> 00:09:46,623
Okay, Tyrion Lannister,
why don't you just cast a spell
278
00:09:46,657 --> 00:09:47,807
and get us
the waffle iron back?
279
00:09:47,858 --> 00:09:49,209
Oh, okay.
280
00:09:49,243 --> 00:09:50,610
I don't even have time to tell
you how wrong you are.
281
00:09:50,661 --> 00:09:52,378
Actually, it's gonna bug me
if I don't.
282
00:09:52,413 --> 00:09:54,130
The Lannisters,
while very wealthy,
283
00:09:54,164 --> 00:09:56,165
do not possess
the magical abilities
284
00:09:56,183 --> 00:09:58,101
of, say, the warlocks
of Qarth for example.
285
00:09:58,135 --> 00:10:01,855
This is why
we don't hang out.
286
00:10:01,889 --> 00:10:03,723
Think of yourselves
as engineers
287
00:10:03,757 --> 00:10:05,725
steering
a locomotive of positivity
288
00:10:05,776 --> 00:10:07,160
that runs on team power.
289
00:10:07,194 --> 00:10:09,913
First of all, you don't
"steer" a locomotive.
290
00:10:09,947 --> 00:10:10,930
The tracks do.
291
00:10:10,965 --> 00:10:13,016
Second,
there are only three ways
292
00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:15,785
to motivate people--
money, fear, and hunger.
293
00:10:15,819 --> 00:10:16,986
Oh, I disagree.
294
00:10:17,020 --> 00:10:19,556
What about encouragement,
appreciation,
295
00:10:19,590 --> 00:10:21,608
and smiles.
296
00:10:21,642 --> 00:10:23,059
When people feel supported,
297
00:10:23,093 --> 00:10:24,777
they will literally explode
with productivity.
298
00:10:24,812 --> 00:10:26,813
Can you guys just figure out
which way is better
299
00:10:26,847 --> 00:10:28,264
and tell me so we can leave?
300
00:10:28,299 --> 00:10:29,465
Thank you
for your input, April,
301
00:10:29,499 --> 00:10:30,934
but the ka-tumts requires
that we follow
302
00:10:30,968 --> 00:10:32,118
a very specific syllabus.
303
00:10:32,152 --> 00:10:33,620
You're not being
very inclusive, Chris.
304
00:10:33,654 --> 00:10:35,622
I feel like my input isn't
being appreciated.
305
00:10:35,656 --> 00:10:37,273
You've killed my spirit.
306
00:10:37,308 --> 00:10:39,842
My spirit blood is
on your hands.
307
00:10:40,377 --> 00:10:42,679
My God, I've taught you
so much already.
308
00:10:42,713 --> 00:10:44,847
Ron, I propose a challenge
309
00:10:44,882 --> 00:10:46,549
to see whose
motivational methods
310
00:10:46,583 --> 00:10:47,717
are more effective.
311
00:10:47,735 --> 00:10:49,619
Challenge accepted.
312
00:10:49,653 --> 00:10:51,621
I don't want to seem
overdramatic,
313
00:10:51,655 --> 00:10:54,674
but this is literally
a battle for April's soul.
314
00:10:54,725 --> 00:10:56,776
I don't want to seem
overdramatic,
315
00:10:56,810 --> 00:10:59,462
but I don't really care
what happens here.
316
00:10:59,496 --> 00:11:01,664
Oh, God.
317
00:11:01,699 --> 00:11:03,332
I hate this place.
318
00:11:03,350 --> 00:11:05,685
Everything is old.
Old things are dumb.
319
00:11:05,719 --> 00:11:07,637
It's like, just be new.
320
00:11:07,655 --> 00:11:09,105
I don't know, Tom.
321
00:11:09,123 --> 00:11:11,007
I think there's some pretty
cool things from back then.
322
00:11:11,041 --> 00:11:12,058
That is a dope bonnet.
323
00:11:12,092 --> 00:11:14,177
Oh, just getting here,
I see.
324
00:11:14,211 --> 00:11:15,845
Yikes.
Did you sleep here last night?
325
00:11:15,863 --> 00:11:18,314
Indeed. I want to be here
when the cock crows
326
00:11:18,348 --> 00:11:19,449
to get the chores done.
327
00:11:19,483 --> 00:11:20,950
Already, I've done
the preserves
328
00:11:20,985 --> 00:11:23,853
and chased off
an interloping cable installer.
329
00:11:23,887 --> 00:11:27,156
Okay, well, let's put
all modern devices in this pail.
330
00:11:27,191 --> 00:11:30,743
Nothing can be used
that was invented past 1817.
331
00:11:30,794 --> 00:11:32,629
Andy, Tom,
you will be our referees.
332
00:11:32,663 --> 00:11:33,663
Thank you for volunteering.
333
00:11:33,697 --> 00:11:34,764
Definitely didn't volunteer.
334
00:11:34,798 --> 00:11:35,848
I had much better things
to do.
335
00:11:35,883 --> 00:11:37,100
Leslie said she'd pay me
100 bucks.
336
00:11:37,134 --> 00:11:38,334
And I had nothing better
to do.
337
00:11:38,352 --> 00:11:39,435
I'm doing it for free.
338
00:11:39,470 --> 00:11:41,321
There's no way
I'm losing this contest.
339
00:11:41,372 --> 00:11:42,822
Old-timey dress? Check.
340
00:11:42,873 --> 00:11:44,607
Extensive knowledge
about early prairie life?
341
00:11:44,625 --> 00:11:45,608
Right here.
342
00:11:45,626 --> 00:11:46,693
Rickets? Cured.
343
00:11:46,727 --> 00:11:47,844
Don't need to worry
about rickets.
344
00:11:47,878 --> 00:11:50,713
Antiperspirant?
Not allowed.
345
00:11:50,715 --> 00:11:53,383
Might get a little rough
in there.
346
00:11:53,417 --> 00:11:55,969
I was wondering
if you could help me out.
347
00:11:56,003 --> 00:11:57,470
Say no more.
348
00:11:57,504 --> 00:11:59,255
Here's a bunch of guns.
349
00:11:59,289 --> 00:12:00,273
Nope.
350
00:12:00,307 --> 00:12:01,607
Different thing.
351
00:12:01,642 --> 00:12:02,925
I saw that you recently won
352
00:12:02,943 --> 00:12:05,028
an auction for
the JJ's diner waffle iron.
353
00:12:05,062 --> 00:12:07,229
And I'd like to--
that's it right there.
354
00:12:07,247 --> 00:12:09,015
- I'd like to buy it.
- You and everyone else.
355
00:12:10,049 --> 00:12:10,967
Hello, Ben.
356
00:12:11,001 --> 00:12:13,987
Seems like I love Leslie
more than you do.
357
00:12:14,021 --> 00:12:15,905
- Get in line.
- Yeah.
358
00:12:15,939 --> 00:12:17,123
Get in line, pal.
359
00:12:17,157 --> 00:12:18,574
- Who are you?
- I'm Roz.
360
00:12:18,592 --> 00:12:20,793
I'm Leslie's mailwoman,
and I need to get her
361
00:12:20,844 --> 00:12:23,262
a Mail Day present
by next Wednesday.
362
00:12:23,314 --> 00:12:24,847
It's the anniversary
of the first--
363
00:12:24,881 --> 00:12:27,000
Time you delivered
her mail. Yeah, we get it.
364
00:12:27,034 --> 00:12:28,484
Looks like
we've got ourselves
365
00:12:28,502 --> 00:12:31,120
an old-fashioned pawnshop
waffle iron bidding war.
366
00:12:31,155 --> 00:12:34,140
Let's start the bidding
at $650,000.
367
00:12:34,174 --> 00:12:36,442
Okay, I'll counter
with 100 bucks.
368
00:12:36,477 --> 00:12:37,560
200.
369
00:12:37,594 --> 00:12:38,728
I'll let you take anything
370
00:12:38,762 --> 00:12:40,063
- out of this bag.
- I'll tell you what, Ann.
371
00:12:40,097 --> 00:12:41,218
I'll give it to you
if you go
372
00:12:41,231 --> 00:12:42,832
- on a date with me.
- Oh, God.
373
00:12:42,866 --> 00:12:45,001
I can't believe
I'm about to do this, but fine.
374
00:12:45,035 --> 00:12:47,687
One date. But let me make
one thing perfectly clear--
375
00:12:47,721 --> 00:12:49,405
- 500 bucks.
- Sold.
376
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,240
- What?
- You still want to go out?
377
00:12:51,275 --> 00:12:54,994
I just come into some money.
$500 buys a lot of nitrous.
378
00:12:55,045 --> 00:12:57,130
Yeah, nothing warms
the blood
379
00:12:57,164 --> 00:12:59,799
like an old whirly-bout
with the old butter-gyre,
380
00:12:59,833 --> 00:13:01,300
- eh, Leslie?
- Indeed.
381
00:13:01,335 --> 00:13:03,753
Man, this guy's tougher
than I thought.
382
00:13:03,787 --> 00:13:05,555
I don't know how either
of you guys are doing this.
383
00:13:05,589 --> 00:13:07,273
One time my refrigerator
stopped working,
384
00:13:07,307 --> 00:13:08,891
I didn't know what to do.
I just moved.
385
00:13:08,925 --> 00:13:10,643
I just don't think
he's ever gonna quit.
386
00:13:10,694 --> 00:13:12,061
He has that look
in his eye
387
00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:15,198
that Ben gets
when he plays Risk.
388
00:13:16,867 --> 00:13:19,001
Oh, wow.
That is really good.
389
00:13:19,036 --> 00:13:20,236
- Andy.
- No, I'm sorry.
390
00:13:20,254 --> 00:13:21,454
This tastes great.
391
00:13:21,505 --> 00:13:23,339
All my favorite foods
have butter on 'em.
392
00:13:23,374 --> 00:13:26,626
Pancakes, toast,
popcorn, grapes.
393
00:13:27,878 --> 00:13:30,179
Butter is my favorite food.
394
00:13:30,214 --> 00:13:31,414
Well, then you're gonna love
what I'm churning up.
395
00:13:31,432 --> 00:13:32,465
Take a look at--
396
00:13:32,516 --> 00:13:33,850
Oh, my God.
This is horrifying.
397
00:13:33,884 --> 00:13:35,601
Nobody eat that.
398
00:13:35,636 --> 00:13:37,053
I think I'm in over my head.
399
00:13:37,087 --> 00:13:38,921
Garth really knows his stuff.
400
00:13:38,939 --> 00:13:41,140
He planted
an entire field of barley.
401
00:13:41,191 --> 00:13:43,426
How long is
he planning on staying here?
402
00:13:43,444 --> 00:13:47,430
Hey, um, aren't we husband
and wife in this scenario?
403
00:13:47,448 --> 00:13:49,265
- I mean, like, shouldn't you--
- Not a chance.
404
00:13:49,283 --> 00:13:51,267
Okay.
405
00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:56,207
Wait, what's that?
406
00:13:56,208 --> 00:13:58,810
Do you guys feel that?
407
00:13:59,829 --> 00:14:00,879
Aah!
408
00:14:00,913 --> 00:14:02,381
How long was that under there?
409
00:14:02,415 --> 00:14:03,932
Man, Garth is a machine.
410
00:14:03,967 --> 00:14:05,951
He brought his own whale
blubber to light the lamps.
411
00:14:05,985 --> 00:14:07,886
I thought he was gonna last
an hour max.
412
00:14:07,921 --> 00:14:10,305
It's like he's getting stronger
the longer he stays here.
413
00:14:10,356 --> 00:14:13,859
Whee!
Look at my hoop, Leslie.
414
00:14:13,893 --> 00:14:15,344
Look at my hoop!
415
00:14:15,378 --> 00:14:16,628
Ugh! Who could live like this?
416
00:14:16,646 --> 00:14:19,031
No one.
That's why we've moved on.
417
00:14:19,065 --> 00:14:20,232
It's fun to be here on,
418
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,934
like, a school field trip
or something.
419
00:14:21,968 --> 00:14:23,969
- It's so, so, so fun.
- So, so fun.
420
00:14:24,003 --> 00:14:26,171
But to live like this
is insane.
421
00:14:26,206 --> 00:14:28,223
He must have cheated somehow.
422
00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:30,008
I mean, there's no way a man
who's into X-Men that much
423
00:14:30,042 --> 00:14:31,877
can stay away
from the Internet that long.
424
00:14:31,911 --> 00:14:33,245
We should check his phone.
425
00:14:33,279 --> 00:14:35,464
♪ Goodness, how delicious
426
00:14:35,498 --> 00:14:37,599
♪ eating goober peas
427
00:14:38,134 --> 00:14:39,568
Jerry Gergich.
428
00:14:39,602 --> 00:14:41,553
I need you to stop whatever
it is you're doing
429
00:14:41,571 --> 00:14:44,189
and file as many of these
as you can.
430
00:14:44,207 --> 00:14:48,277
Wow, Duraflex cut-top A350s
in deep maroon?
431
00:14:48,311 --> 00:14:50,429
The honor is all mine.
432
00:14:50,463 --> 00:14:52,531
Well, I knew you were
the man for the job.
433
00:14:52,565 --> 00:14:54,900
You are smart and capable.
434
00:14:54,918 --> 00:14:57,636
And I believe
you can accomplish anything.
435
00:14:57,670 --> 00:14:59,188
Thank you so much.
436
00:14:59,239 --> 00:15:01,373
You got it, champ.
Get filing.
437
00:15:01,407 --> 00:15:02,708
Aye, aye, Captain.
438
00:15:04,427 --> 00:15:06,295
That is
one motivated worker bee.
439
00:15:06,329 --> 00:15:07,863
You guys doing experiments
on Jerry?
440
00:15:07,914 --> 00:15:08,947
Yes.
441
00:15:08,981 --> 00:15:10,916
Cool.
442
00:15:14,988 --> 00:15:16,355
Got it.
443
00:15:16,389 --> 00:15:17,856
Okay, now let's not
read anything.
444
00:15:17,890 --> 00:15:19,174
That's an invasion
of his privacy.
445
00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:20,825
Let's just look
at his browser history
446
00:15:20,843 --> 00:15:23,412
and his inbox and his outbox
and his Facebook page.
447
00:15:23,446 --> 00:15:24,613
Yeah, he doesn't
have any new emails.
448
00:15:24,647 --> 00:15:26,164
Oh, my God. It's true.
449
00:15:26,199 --> 00:15:27,633
He hasn't gotten an email in...
450
00:15:27,667 --> 00:15:29,768
12 days!
451
00:15:29,802 --> 00:15:30,819
Is he a ghost?
452
00:15:30,853 --> 00:15:32,604
The only ones
he gets are spam.
453
00:15:32,622 --> 00:15:34,623
And he responds to them.
454
00:15:34,674 --> 00:15:35,714
I think I'm gonna be sick.
455
00:15:35,742 --> 00:15:37,843
Oh, man.
This guy has no friends.
456
00:15:37,877 --> 00:15:40,162
I don't know. Seems like
he's friends with that mule.
457
00:15:43,550 --> 00:15:44,800
What's that?
458
00:15:44,834 --> 00:15:46,518
Well,
since I can't give her
459
00:15:46,553 --> 00:15:48,019
a waffle iron
for breakfast day,
460
00:15:48,037 --> 00:15:49,938
I am making her
a miniature Leslie
461
00:15:49,973 --> 00:15:51,640
- out of breakfast food.
- Good lord.
462
00:15:51,674 --> 00:15:52,975
Well, listen,
I've been thinking.
463
00:15:53,026 --> 00:15:54,176
How would you feel
about going in
464
00:15:54,210 --> 00:15:56,411
- on the waffle iron together?
- Seriously?
465
00:15:56,462 --> 00:15:57,579
That would be great,
466
00:15:57,630 --> 00:15:59,648
but whose holiday
are we celebrating?
467
00:15:59,682 --> 00:16:01,033
Well, I think
I may have a plan
468
00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:03,401
that'll get us out of
breakfast day and waffle day
469
00:16:03,419 --> 00:16:05,036
and all the other days
without making us
470
00:16:05,054 --> 00:16:07,105
seem like ungrateful people
who are annoyed
471
00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:08,657
at how amazing Leslie is.
472
00:16:08,691 --> 00:16:11,093
Dude, whatever it is,
I'm in.
473
00:16:11,127 --> 00:16:13,128
- Okay, great.
- What should I do with this?
474
00:16:13,162 --> 00:16:15,130
Just burn it
and bury the ashes
475
00:16:15,164 --> 00:16:17,966
and pray
it doesn't haunt you.
476
00:16:19,001 --> 00:16:20,052
Jerry,
477
00:16:20,086 --> 00:16:22,504
stop filing
those red folders at once.
478
00:16:22,555 --> 00:16:24,323
Begin filing
these blue ones.
479
00:16:24,357 --> 00:16:26,408
Oh. Sorry, Ron.
I promised Chris that--
480
00:16:26,442 --> 00:16:28,076
This is the top priority.
481
00:16:28,111 --> 00:16:29,745
I need these blue folders
done now.
482
00:16:29,796 --> 00:16:32,814
You can eat
when you have finished.
483
00:16:33,349 --> 00:16:34,099
File!
484
00:16:34,133 --> 00:16:36,618
Oh, my goodness.
485
00:16:36,653 --> 00:16:40,489
Money, fear, hunger.
486
00:16:41,858 --> 00:16:44,526
Hey, there, Garth.
Whatcha whittling?
487
00:16:44,577 --> 00:16:45,510
A birthing stick.
488
00:16:45,545 --> 00:16:46,695
What's that?
489
00:16:46,729 --> 00:16:48,864
- You do not want to know.
- Oh, my God.
490
00:16:48,898 --> 00:16:50,065
You look beautiful.
491
00:16:50,099 --> 00:16:51,900
I mean, you changed clothes.
492
00:16:51,934 --> 00:16:53,669
Violation.
I-I challenge
493
00:16:53,703 --> 00:16:55,487
- you are bonnetless!
- Yes, you're right.
494
00:16:55,505 --> 00:16:57,339
I admit, I can't take it
anymore. You win.
495
00:16:57,390 --> 00:17:00,392
Huzzah!
The day is mine.
496
00:17:01,477 --> 00:17:04,262
- I'm gonna miss saying "huzzah."
- Yeah.
497
00:17:04,297 --> 00:17:06,331
Garth,
I have another proposition.
498
00:17:06,365 --> 00:17:08,100
Yes, I will go out
on a date with you,
499
00:17:08,134 --> 00:17:10,185
but I realize
you're a modern woman,
500
00:17:10,219 --> 00:17:11,420
so I will let you pay.
501
00:17:12,154 --> 00:17:12,821
No.
502
00:17:12,872 --> 00:17:14,489
I was wondering
would you like to join
503
00:17:14,540 --> 00:17:16,124
the Pawnee Historical Commission?
504
00:17:16,159 --> 00:17:18,427
Those clowns?
No thank you.
505
00:17:18,478 --> 00:17:20,595
They haven't answered
a single one of my complaints
506
00:17:20,630 --> 00:17:23,598
about their anachronistic use
of fonts in their newsletter.
507
00:17:23,633 --> 00:17:24,666
Well, I'm a member,
508
00:17:24,701 --> 00:17:26,101
and I think
we could really use you.
509
00:17:26,102 --> 00:17:29,604
But the only problem is
there's tons of meetings,
510
00:17:29,656 --> 00:17:32,341
lots of work with people
who also love history,
511
00:17:32,375 --> 00:17:36,128
and many social occasions that
you're gonna have to attend,
512
00:17:36,162 --> 00:17:37,763
like cocktail parties
and such.
513
00:17:37,797 --> 00:17:39,314
I can understand
if it's something
514
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:40,365
you don't want
to commit to.
515
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,167
Just sounds like such
a big bite
516
00:17:42,201 --> 00:17:43,418
out of my soap-making time.
517
00:17:43,953 --> 00:17:46,221
My cousin's arraignment
is in May.
518
00:17:46,255 --> 00:17:47,389
But that's a day.
519
00:17:47,423 --> 00:17:48,974
I just fly out,
I come back the same day.
520
00:17:49,008 --> 00:17:50,308
On a trial basis, yes.
521
00:17:50,343 --> 00:17:51,660
Yes, yes.
522
00:17:51,694 --> 00:17:54,279
Great.
Welcome to the team.
523
00:17:54,313 --> 00:17:55,364
Garth dropped his protest,
524
00:17:55,415 --> 00:17:56,615
and we were able
to get rid of
525
00:17:56,649 --> 00:17:58,500
all the outdated laws
in the town charter.
526
00:17:58,534 --> 00:18:00,619
I mean, the charter is
a wonderful document,
527
00:18:00,653 --> 00:18:02,787
but we've had the benefit
of almost 200 years
528
00:18:02,805 --> 00:18:04,589
of learning and advancing.
529
00:18:04,623 --> 00:18:06,391
Seems to me
we ought to use it.
530
00:18:06,426 --> 00:18:08,894
I did not change
Article Two, though.
531
00:18:08,928 --> 00:18:10,145
I just couldn't vote
532
00:18:10,179 --> 00:18:11,646
against a good, old-fashioned
lake dunking.
533
00:18:11,681 --> 00:18:13,631
Though Garth and I did come up
with a compromise
534
00:18:13,649 --> 00:18:15,567
that I think will make
everybody happy.
535
00:18:15,601 --> 00:18:16,818
From this year hence,
536
00:18:16,869 --> 00:18:19,104
a volunteer will represent Ted
537
00:18:19,122 --> 00:18:22,324
in our town's most historic
and cherished tradition.
538
00:18:22,375 --> 00:18:25,377
This year, the honor
goes to Mr. Garth Blundin!
539
00:18:28,548 --> 00:18:31,616
Huzzah, I'm Ted! I'm Ted!
540
00:18:31,634 --> 00:18:33,001
I'm Ted too, guys.
541
00:18:33,052 --> 00:18:34,302
- Andy!
- Yeah!
542
00:18:34,337 --> 00:18:36,805
He's naked, everybody!
Put that away!
543
00:18:36,839 --> 00:18:39,758
- We're all Ted! Yeah!
- No, Andy!
544
00:18:42,011 --> 00:18:43,645
Whoo!
545
00:18:43,679 --> 00:18:45,647
Thank God.
I don't know how to swim.
546
00:18:47,286 --> 00:18:48,785
Okay, final tally.
547
00:18:48,786 --> 00:18:53,019
- Jerry filed 268 red files.
- Yes!
548
00:18:53,053 --> 00:18:55,855
And 384 blue files.
549
00:18:56,389 --> 00:18:57,157
- Yes.
- Wait a minute.
550
00:18:57,191 --> 00:18:58,224
How is that possible?
551
00:18:58,242 --> 00:18:59,326
Well, he was so happy
552
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:00,510
when you told him
he was doing a great job
553
00:19:00,544 --> 00:19:01,611
that he spent 20 minutes
on the phone
554
00:19:01,646 --> 00:19:02,779
telling Gayle about it.
555
00:19:02,813 --> 00:19:05,615
- And the prosecution rests.
- Not so fast.
556
00:19:05,650 --> 00:19:07,050
He may have filed
more blue ones,
557
00:19:07,084 --> 00:19:08,368
but they're almost
all filed wrong.
558
00:19:08,402 --> 00:19:10,704
Not surprising
since he was a mess
559
00:19:10,738 --> 00:19:11,955
after you talked to him.
560
00:19:12,006 --> 00:19:14,174
Another fascinating edition
of "ka-tumts."
561
00:19:14,208 --> 00:19:16,743
We may never know conclusively
which way works better.
562
00:19:16,761 --> 00:19:18,244
But I do know this--
563
00:19:18,262 --> 00:19:19,846
When we first started
the seminar,
564
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,683
I hoped to be able to engage you
in the process.
565
00:19:23,718 --> 00:19:25,602
And by that measure
I succeeded.
566
00:19:25,636 --> 00:19:27,437
And I predicted that
I would learn nothing
567
00:19:27,471 --> 00:19:30,023
from this process.
568
00:19:30,057 --> 00:19:32,225
Mission accomplished.
569
00:19:32,259 --> 00:19:33,593
What did April write?
570
00:19:33,611 --> 00:19:35,695
Where is April?
571
00:19:38,199 --> 00:19:40,700
"I will pit Ron and Chris
against each other.
572
00:19:40,735 --> 00:19:42,535
They'll argue about dumb stuff
573
00:19:42,570 --> 00:19:44,237
that doesn't matter,
and I will bail.
574
00:19:44,271 --> 00:19:46,206
Then I'll steal $20
from Chris's wallet
575
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:47,940
and buy pizza with Andy.
576
00:19:47,958 --> 00:19:51,411
Oh, and I'll also steal
Ron's watch, just for fun.
577
00:19:51,745 --> 00:19:54,614
I think April will be
a fine manager.
578
00:19:55,132 --> 00:19:56,216
I agree.
579
00:19:56,250 --> 00:19:57,884
It's my favorite kind
of battle--
580
00:19:58,418 --> 00:20:01,721
Two men enter,
one me leaves.
581
00:20:01,756 --> 00:20:04,641
- Happy waffle day.
- Happy breakfast day.
582
00:20:04,675 --> 00:20:06,259
Oh, my God!
583
00:20:06,293 --> 00:20:08,461
You guys,
this is the best
584
00:20:08,479 --> 00:20:09,979
Breakfast Day/Waffle Day
joint present
585
00:20:10,014 --> 00:20:11,848
I have ever received.
586
00:20:11,899 --> 00:20:13,933
Wow.
Thank you so much.
587
00:20:13,967 --> 00:20:15,018
You're welcome.
588
00:20:15,069 --> 00:20:17,187
But Ann and I wanted
to tell you
589
00:20:17,238 --> 00:20:20,190
that this is the last
Breakfast Day and Waffle Day
590
00:20:20,241 --> 00:20:21,241
we'll be celebrating.
591
00:20:21,275 --> 00:20:22,575
Wait, what?
592
00:20:23,110 --> 00:20:24,444
Oh, my God.
You're both dying.
593
00:20:24,478 --> 00:20:27,697
No, no. We just can't keep up
with all the anniversaries.
594
00:20:27,748 --> 00:20:30,149
It's too much, especially 'cause
you're so good at them.
595
00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:31,618
I'm no better at them
than you are.
596
00:20:31,652 --> 00:20:33,787
That's ridiculous, I'm so
much better. Point taken.
597
00:20:33,821 --> 00:20:35,521
But we have a compromise.
598
00:20:35,539 --> 00:20:38,241
Every year, there will be
one day, "Ann Day,"
599
00:20:38,292 --> 00:20:40,052
where you can celebrate
all of Ann's holidays
600
00:20:40,077 --> 00:20:43,246
and "Ben Day" where we can
celebrate all of ours.
601
00:20:43,297 --> 00:20:45,548
What about
Ann Month and Ben Month?
602
00:20:46,283 --> 00:20:47,383
How about a week?
603
00:20:48,918 --> 00:20:49,469
Fine.
604
00:20:49,503 --> 00:20:51,204
We went in with a day,
605
00:20:51,222 --> 00:20:52,839
figuring she'd counter
with a month.
606
00:20:52,873 --> 00:20:54,390
We were fine with a week.
607
00:20:54,425 --> 00:20:56,259
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
608
00:20:56,310 --> 00:20:57,376
But there will be
a third week.
609
00:20:57,394 --> 00:20:58,778
It will be called Friend Week.
610
00:20:58,813 --> 00:21:00,597
It will be commemorating
this week,
611
00:21:00,648 --> 00:21:01,881
the week that
my two best friends
612
00:21:01,899 --> 00:21:03,099
became each other's
best friends.
613
00:21:03,150 --> 00:21:05,018
I have a Friend Week present
for you right now.
614
00:21:05,052 --> 00:21:06,519
Here you go.
615
00:21:06,553 --> 00:21:08,888
How did you already
have these?
616
00:21:08,906 --> 00:21:10,389
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
617
00:21:10,390 --> 00:21:15,389
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com