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00:00:11,025 --> 00:00:11,873
Okay, everyone.
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00:00:11,993 --> 00:00:15,051
Look in your folders. You will find
information about founder's week.
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00:00:15,188 --> 00:00:16,509
And before
we start brainstorming,
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00:00:16,522 --> 00:00:18,557
I just wanna thank Ron
for lending us his cabin.
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00:00:18,624 --> 00:00:19,857
Lending?
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Makes it sound like I had
a choice in the matter.
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00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:22,801
I never should've agreed
to this
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00:00:22,921 --> 00:00:24,505
or let you know
that I have a cabin
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00:00:24,764 --> 00:00:26,387
or gotten to know any of you.
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00:00:26,507 --> 00:00:27,710
That's the spirit.
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00:00:27,838 --> 00:00:29,472
Founder's week
is a yearly celebration
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00:00:29,540 --> 00:00:30,607
of all things Pawnee.
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00:00:30,674 --> 00:00:32,475
We've got
a pie-eating contest,
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00:00:32,543 --> 00:00:33,510
a giant petting zoo,
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00:00:33,577 --> 00:00:35,244
and the granddaddy of them all,
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00:00:35,311 --> 00:00:36,911
the founder's week parade.
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00:00:36,979 --> 00:00:38,147
I don't wanna
over-hype it,
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but our parade
makes the rose bowl parade
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00:00:41,050 --> 00:00:42,570
look like
a turds-on-wheels convention.
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00:00:42,692 --> 00:00:43,742
Let's do an exercise.
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00:00:43,862 --> 00:00:46,033
April, what makes Pawnee
the best city in the world?
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Easy: Most murders
per capita.
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00:00:48,628 --> 00:00:50,535
The guillotine
was invented here.
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City Hall is run
by the walrus mafia.
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Donna, help me out.
What makes Pawnee so great?
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00:00:55,439 --> 00:00:56,598
Cost of living is cheap.
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In about three years,
I will have saved enough
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to pay off my condo in Seattle.
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00:01:00,139 --> 00:01:01,732
You have a condo in Seattle?
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Yes, I like the rain
and the fish markets.
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00:01:03,778 --> 00:01:05,145
Guys, we need to focus.
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I want this to be the best
founder's week ever, okay?
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- No more distractions.
- I'm bored.
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Let's go have sex in a tree.
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He'll be back in eight minutes.
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Why did you have
to bring her here?
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I don't really have
any power in this relationship.
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I'll think of ideas
in the tree.
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Anyone's welcome
to join us in the tree!
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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Really?
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Okay.
Thank you.
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Bye.
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You okay?
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Yeah, I'm fine.
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Good morning,
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00:01:53,122 --> 00:01:55,357
colleagues, co-workers, friends.
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Everyone feeling normal...
today?
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Here's what happened.
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00:02:00,196 --> 00:02:01,763
I left my sweat shirt
at Ron's cabin.
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00:02:01,831 --> 00:02:05,267
When I went back to get it,
I found this in the trash:
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00:02:05,335 --> 00:02:07,037
Positive pregnancy test.
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00:02:07,312 --> 00:02:09,613
Side note: I accidentally threw
my sweat shirt away.
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That's why I was digging
through the trash.
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Found that too.
Pretty cool.
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So if my science is correct,
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one of the five women
who were at the cabin--
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Leslie, Donna, Ann,
Mona-Lisa, or April--
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is pregnant!
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00:02:23,622 --> 00:02:24,879
Can't be April.
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She would've told me.
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That leaves four suspects.
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00:02:28,924 --> 00:02:31,119
There's only one man
for this job:
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00:02:31,239 --> 00:02:34,064
Bert Macklin, FBI.
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They said I was retired.
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00:02:35,986 --> 00:02:37,152
They said I was too dangerous
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for the Pawnee
Police Department.
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Turns out they were right...
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00:02:40,177 --> 00:02:41,581
and wrong.
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Macklin, you son of a bitch.
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00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:47,482
Hello, fellow Pawneeans.
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00:02:47,604 --> 00:02:49,539
As you know,
the founder's week festivities
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kick off tomorrow.
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Um, one small announcement:
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00:02:52,108 --> 00:02:53,643
Due to
a tragic misunderstanding,
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00:02:53,710 --> 00:02:56,110
the prettiest pig
beauty pageant
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00:02:56,179 --> 00:02:58,738
has been replaced by a pork rib
barbecue competition.
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Oh, no.
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00:03:00,903 --> 00:03:02,188
But on to less grisly news,
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thank you for participating
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00:03:03,818 --> 00:03:05,998
in our special founder's week
public forum
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00:03:06,118 --> 00:03:08,306
led by councilwoman
Leslie Knope.
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00:03:10,362 --> 00:03:11,742
Thanks to a lot of hard work
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00:03:11,862 --> 00:03:13,382
and some very dedicated
civil servants,
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this has been a banner year
for our city.
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Obesity and diabetes are down.
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00:03:18,421 --> 00:03:19,499
Test scores are up.
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00:03:19,619 --> 00:03:21,452
Pawnee raccoon attacks
have decreased.
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00:03:21,572 --> 00:03:23,300
People can now suddenly
feel safe
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in our parks, grocery stores,
and hospitals.
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I am very proud
of what we've accomplished.
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In fact, this forum
is kind of my victory lap.
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I am here today
to ask you one question.
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Are you better off now
than you were a year ago?
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Who'd like to start?
Uh-oh.
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00:03:40,051 --> 00:03:42,954
Kathryn Pinewood,
Pawnee Restaurant Association.
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This town is not better off.
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This past year
has been a disaster,
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and this government
is hell-bent
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on stripping away our most basic
personal freedoms.
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Okay, counterpoint.
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00:03:53,940 --> 00:03:56,788
Ms. Pinewood, I've never
stripped away anyone's freedoms.
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I simply stopped a restaurant
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from serving an insane
500-ounce soda to its customers,
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which only made
our citizens healthier.
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00:04:04,272 --> 00:04:05,906
And frankly, I don't see
any of those citizens
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00:04:05,974 --> 00:04:07,306
standing up
and complaining abo--
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00:04:09,846 --> 00:04:11,114
Okay.
Now, I see them.
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00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,760
Whoa! Darren!
Slow down!
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00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,849
That sweat suit's
not for sweatin' in, okay?
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This is crushed velvet.
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If you go at more
than a brisk walk,
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it will fall apart.
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This looks dope.
Let's pay for it.
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Business is booming.
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If it keeps up like this, I
would leave the Parks Department
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and do Rent-A-Swag full-time,
maybe even expand.
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I could add
a baby section over there,
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call it "Li'l Swaggers."
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I could add
some old people stuff,
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call it
"Rent-A-Sag."
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00:04:33,099 --> 00:04:35,453
Ugh, no.
Old people are gross.
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Oh. Nice.
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Hey, dingdong!
Can I go home?
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My tum-tum
feels gross,
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and also, I hate working.
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I guess, but find someone
to cover for you, okay?
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'Cause we're really busy
right now.
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Also, a lawyer guy called you.
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00:04:50,815 --> 00:04:53,289
He sounded really sexy
on the phone,
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and I was very into that.
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Like, I was,
like, very into that.
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All right,
let's set up some boundaries
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00:04:58,775 --> 00:05:00,415
on what's cool for you
to say to me, okay?
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00:05:00,528 --> 00:05:02,355
Okay.
I frenched my cousin one time.
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00:05:02,475 --> 00:05:03,483
That's gross.
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00:05:03,603 --> 00:05:04,669
I might still be in love
with him.
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00:05:04,789 --> 00:05:06,757
- Please leave.
- All right, bye.
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00:05:08,849 --> 00:05:10,799
Tom Haverford,
my name is Trevor Nelsson.
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00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:13,554
I represent a client who would
like to make you an offer.
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00:05:13,674 --> 00:05:15,206
Babyface heard my demo?
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I will accept a record deal.
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00:05:16,893 --> 00:05:18,845
No, you deeply misunderstand.
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00:05:18,965 --> 00:05:21,130
My client has taken an interest
in Rent-A-Swag.
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He'd like to know
if you are looking
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to sell a controlling interest
in the store.
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Whoa, Diddy wants
to buy Rent-A-Swag?
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- Not what I said.
- This is a lot to process.
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00:05:29,573 --> 00:05:32,412
Will Diddy be coming
to the meeting?
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00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:34,492
I'm not at liberty to tell you
who my client is.
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It would
violate confidentiality.
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- I understand.
- It's not Diddy.
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Got it.
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- Oh.
- Oh, hello...Ann.
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Oh, boy.
What do you want, Macklin?
156
00:05:53,410 --> 00:05:55,337
Me?
Just observing.
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00:05:55,457 --> 00:05:57,457
A little something
they taught us down at Quantico.
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00:05:57,489 --> 00:05:59,229
Well, I guess
I'll get out of your hair.
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00:05:59,349 --> 00:06:02,042
Wait, there is
just one more question.
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00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:04,526
- Congratulations.
- Is that a question?
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It's an accusation,
'cause I know your secret.
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- You're pregnant.
- What? I'm not pregnant.
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You're not?
Damn it. Who is?
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'Cause I found this
at Ron Swanson's cabin.
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- It's a pregnancy test.
- Oh, my God.
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Someone we know is pregnant?
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I'm trying to get pregnant.
That's not fair.
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I mean, great,
and happy for them,
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00:06:20,324 --> 00:06:21,524
and congratulations, whatever,
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00:06:21,603 --> 00:06:23,368
but ooh!
No! Boo!
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00:06:23,488 --> 00:06:24,732
We have to find out
who this is.
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00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:27,573
Whoa, I don't think so.
Bert Macklin works alone.
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I will buy lunch.
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You can have as many burgers
as you want.
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00:06:30,079 --> 00:06:31,368
Welcome to the FBI.
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00:06:32,703 --> 00:06:34,930
Ms. Pinewood, Leslie's
public health initiative
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00:06:35,030 --> 00:06:36,328
has been a huge success.
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00:06:36,448 --> 00:06:38,980
Pawnee is no longer the fourth
most obese city in America.
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00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:40,334
We're now ninth.
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00:06:40,402 --> 00:06:41,836
Together, as a town, we lost
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00:06:41,904 --> 00:06:44,488
an amount of weight equal
to 800 pregnant manatees.
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00:06:44,608 --> 00:06:46,902
A gym opened,
and it stayed in business.
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00:06:47,022 --> 00:06:48,842
And people checking
into the E.R.
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00:06:48,910 --> 00:06:51,851
after ingesting a whole
candy wrapper is down 40%.
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00:06:51,971 --> 00:06:53,446
But where will it end?
186
00:06:53,566 --> 00:06:55,451
Now, you wanna rob
our children of fun
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00:06:55,571 --> 00:06:58,138
by attacking the Sweetums
school lunch program,
188
00:06:58,258 --> 00:07:00,334
literally taking candy
from babies.
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00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:02,564
Those school lunches
are incredibly unhealthy.
190
00:07:02,684 --> 00:07:04,690
You somehow convinced
the school board
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00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,224
that napkins are a vegetable.
192
00:07:06,292 --> 00:07:07,332
They're made from plants.
193
00:07:07,451 --> 00:07:10,362
Stop restricting our freedoms.
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00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,498
Yeah!
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00:07:15,455 --> 00:07:17,705
My name is Dewey from Sanitation.
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00:07:17,945 --> 00:07:19,511
Ever since you stripped us of our freedoms
197
00:07:19,579 --> 00:07:20,979
by making us hire women,
198
00:07:21,047 --> 00:07:22,814
we've had to turn
one of our bathrooms
199
00:07:22,882 --> 00:07:24,416
into a woman's bathroom.
200
00:07:24,483 --> 00:07:25,784
We only have one bathroom now.
201
00:07:25,852 --> 00:07:26,985
I'm so sorry, Dewey.
202
00:07:27,053 --> 00:07:28,620
That sounds
like a horrible price to pay
203
00:07:28,688 --> 00:07:31,023
for something as trivial
as gender equality.
204
00:07:31,090 --> 00:07:32,357
So you agree.
205
00:07:32,425 --> 00:07:34,825
Bjorn Lerpiss
of the Pawnee Lerpiss family.
206
00:07:34,893 --> 00:07:36,454
There was supposed to be
a Paunch Burger
207
00:07:36,513 --> 00:07:37,673
in this lot next to my house.
208
00:07:37,768 --> 00:07:38,793
And then, you stripped
my freedom
209
00:07:38,913 --> 00:07:39,952
by putting a park there.
210
00:07:40,072 --> 00:07:41,010
Now, if I wanna start
my day off
211
00:07:41,130 --> 00:07:42,890
with a triple-decker pancake
breakfast pizza,
212
00:07:42,974 --> 00:07:44,465
I gotta go to the one
that's 10 minutes away,
213
00:07:44,585 --> 00:07:46,293
and that makes me 20 minutes
late to work every day.
214
00:07:46,593 --> 00:07:47,383
I work at home.
215
00:07:47,503 --> 00:07:49,267
Have you ever considered
not eating that for breakfast?
216
00:07:49,387 --> 00:07:51,067
I'll never consider that.
217
00:07:51,187 --> 00:07:53,495
This feels strangely personal.
218
00:07:53,615 --> 00:07:54,760
Maybe it's because they're all
standing up
219
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,298
saying how much they hate me
as a person.
220
00:07:58,539 --> 00:08:01,007
How many people
am I talking to, Donna?
221
00:08:01,127 --> 00:08:03,009
One or 1 1/9?
222
00:08:03,129 --> 00:08:04,878
Are you asking me
if I'm pregnant?
223
00:08:04,998 --> 00:08:07,193
Oh.
Interesting.
224
00:08:07,313 --> 00:08:08,734
I don't remember
saying anything
225
00:08:08,854 --> 00:08:10,752
about anyone being pregnant.
226
00:08:10,872 --> 00:08:13,111
Are you sure it's not you?
227
00:08:13,231 --> 00:08:15,061
I'm a grown woman with
a good head on her shoulders.
228
00:08:15,181 --> 00:08:16,466
Don't worry about me.
229
00:08:16,834 --> 00:08:20,483
Whew.
This case just got interesting.
230
00:08:20,603 --> 00:08:21,301
Well, not just.
231
00:08:21,421 --> 00:08:23,142
It was pretty interesting
to begin with.
232
00:08:23,262 --> 00:08:26,805
This case
just remained interesting.
233
00:08:27,624 --> 00:08:29,342
Listen, my wife and I
do not feel
234
00:08:29,462 --> 00:08:31,018
that we're better off
than a year ago
235
00:08:31,138 --> 00:08:32,490
because a year ago, this town
236
00:08:32,610 --> 00:08:33,895
was not a horrifying sex den
237
00:08:34,015 --> 00:08:35,361
where people could put
their body parts
238
00:08:35,481 --> 00:08:36,623
anywhere they want
with impunity.
239
00:08:36,743 --> 00:08:37,864
And then, you were elected.
240
00:08:37,954 --> 00:08:40,371
And now, this town
a horrifying sex den
241
00:08:40,491 --> 00:08:41,931
where people can put
their body parts
242
00:08:41,936 --> 00:08:43,797
anywhere they want to
with impunity.
243
00:08:43,917 --> 00:08:44,424
Yeah.
244
00:08:44,544 --> 00:08:46,156
If you are referring
to my fight
245
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:48,699
to teach
comprehensive sex education,
246
00:08:48,819 --> 00:08:50,420
you need to at least
acknowledge the fact
247
00:08:50,498 --> 00:08:52,492
that STDs are
down 14% from last year.
248
00:08:52,612 --> 00:08:55,916
And deviant behavior in Pawnee
is up a billion percent!
249
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:56,837
No, it's--
no, it's--
250
00:08:56,841 --> 00:08:57,881
This town is going to hell
251
00:08:57,932 --> 00:09:00,019
in a Gucci knock-off
handbag, girl.
252
00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:01,982
See? See?
253
00:09:02,102 --> 00:09:03,893
They agree.
Come on.
254
00:09:04,013 --> 00:09:06,293
I am definitely better off
than I was a year ago,
255
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:07,907
and it's all thanks
to Leslie Knope.
256
00:09:08,027 --> 00:09:10,437
This woman single-handedly
saved my business.
257
00:09:10,557 --> 00:09:12,477
Thank you, Dennis.
There you go, perfect example.
258
00:09:12,555 --> 00:09:13,825
No need for further questions
on that one.
259
00:09:13,945 --> 00:09:16,574
Oh, I'm sorry.
What is your business, sir?
260
00:09:16,694 --> 00:09:18,598
Oh, I run
a pornographic DVD emporium.
261
00:09:18,718 --> 00:09:22,139
Well, it used to be a quaint,
little movie rental place
262
00:09:22,259 --> 00:09:23,612
with a lot of community value.
263
00:09:23,742 --> 00:09:24,909
- Oh, it's much better now.
- Yeah!
264
00:09:27,412 --> 00:09:29,880
- Leslie is the best.
- No, no, Brandi.
265
00:09:29,948 --> 00:09:30,948
- Gah, gah, gah, gah--
- Hello, everyone.
266
00:09:31,016 --> 00:09:33,818
- I'm Brandi Maxxxx...
- Hi, Brandi.
267
00:09:33,885 --> 00:09:37,487
Star of such films as
the incredible Burt Wonderbone,
268
00:09:37,555 --> 00:09:40,525
A Good Guy to Lay Hard,
and Argo.
269
00:09:40,645 --> 00:09:42,257
I had a small part in Argo
270
00:09:42,377 --> 00:09:44,575
as well as the porn version
Our Goo.
271
00:09:44,695 --> 00:09:46,198
I've seen the first 90 seconds.
272
00:09:46,318 --> 00:09:47,070
It's thrilling.
273
00:09:47,190 --> 00:09:48,508
If it weren't for Leslie Knope,
274
00:09:48,628 --> 00:09:51,480
there would be far, far less
pornography in this town.
275
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,394
No, what happened was
there was a misunderstanding,
276
00:09:54,514 --> 00:09:56,740
and I accidentally got
the government involved
277
00:09:56,860 --> 00:09:58,741
in an unseemly business,
but I cleared that up,
278
00:09:58,808 --> 00:09:59,711
and everything's fine.
279
00:09:59,831 --> 00:10:02,820
It's not like I'm some kind of
sex-crazed maniac or something.
280
00:10:02,940 --> 00:10:04,293
Leslie, are you pregnant?
281
00:10:04,413 --> 00:10:05,765
Did you or did you not leave
282
00:10:05,885 --> 00:10:08,179
this positive pregnancy test
in a dumpster in the woods?
283
00:10:09,515 --> 00:10:11,056
Hey, everybody.
284
00:10:12,992 --> 00:10:14,778
- No.
- Really?
285
00:10:14,898 --> 00:10:16,578
Okay.
Well, I'll get out of your hair.
286
00:10:16,698 --> 00:10:18,020
Sorry to interrupt.
287
00:10:18,140 --> 00:10:20,024
Was that Brandi Maxxxx?
288
00:10:21,012 --> 00:10:24,940
Investors, I have some very
exciting news about Rent-A-Swag.
289
00:10:25,060 --> 00:10:27,244
Someone--
I'm not saying Diddy,
290
00:10:27,364 --> 00:10:29,114
but I'm not
not saying Diddy--
291
00:10:29,234 --> 00:10:30,968
has offered
to buy out Rent-A-Swag
292
00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:32,700
for a buttload of money.
293
00:10:32,820 --> 00:10:34,302
How big a buttload, son?
294
00:10:34,422 --> 00:10:37,773
We would all basically
double our investments.
295
00:10:37,893 --> 00:10:39,988
Are you kidding me?
Sell, baby.
296
00:10:40,108 --> 00:10:41,443
Imagine the kind
of treat-yourself day
297
00:10:41,563 --> 00:10:42,616
we could have with the profits.
298
00:10:42,736 --> 00:10:46,284
I'm talking pedicures
on pedicures on pedicures.
299
00:10:46,404 --> 00:10:47,348
That is appealing.
300
00:10:47,468 --> 00:10:49,479
If someone is interested
in buying you out,
301
00:10:49,599 --> 00:10:50,864
it means you're doing
something right.
302
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:52,495
I say you continue to grow,
303
00:10:52,615 --> 00:10:54,653
accumulate power,
find this investor,
304
00:10:54,773 --> 00:10:56,735
and buy his business
to teach him a lesson.
305
00:10:56,855 --> 00:10:59,167
- April, what do you think?
- I thought about this a lot.
306
00:10:59,287 --> 00:11:01,826
I actually think that you should
get a "Hello Kitty" tattoo.
307
00:11:01,946 --> 00:11:03,527
- No, with the store.
- Oh.
308
00:11:03,647 --> 00:11:05,382
Uh, burn it
for the insurance money.
309
00:11:05,627 --> 00:11:07,318
Tom, listen to me, if there's
one thing I've learned--
310
00:11:07,438 --> 00:11:09,401
- God, nobody cares, Jerry.
- Enough.
311
00:11:10,104 --> 00:11:11,911
- Thank you.
- I miss you guys.
312
00:11:12,830 --> 00:11:15,255
What a wonderful event.
Everyone is having fun.
313
00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:16,607
This is great.
314
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,242
Chris, could you just please...
315
00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:20,078
I'm sorry, I was just trying
to cheer you up.
316
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:21,346
- Just hang in there.
- Thanks.
317
00:11:21,377 --> 00:11:22,862
All right,
if you'll excuse me, I found out
318
00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:24,883
this morning that I am playing
319
00:11:24,950 --> 00:11:27,085
a special role in this parade.
320
00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:28,131
No spoilers.
321
00:11:29,672 --> 00:11:31,186
Honey, I hate to state
the obvious,
322
00:11:31,306 --> 00:11:33,150
but you chose a life
in politics.
323
00:11:33,270 --> 00:11:34,892
I mean, the more
you actually accomplish,
324
00:11:34,959 --> 00:11:36,393
the more heat
you're gonna draw.
325
00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:39,029
- Yeah, I know.
- Let's go watch the parade.
326
00:11:39,097 --> 00:11:40,048
You know you can't resist
a parade.
327
00:11:40,168 --> 00:11:41,207
That's true.
328
00:11:41,327 --> 00:11:43,133
Parades and your butt:
329
00:11:43,201 --> 00:11:44,300
- My two vices.
- There you go.
330
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:46,102
Whoa, what are you doing?
331
00:11:46,170 --> 00:11:48,210
My assistant has something
she'd like to show you.
332
00:11:48,332 --> 00:11:49,778
Partner.
333
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,832
Oh, my assistant has something
she'd like to show you, partner.
334
00:11:53,187 --> 00:11:54,714
It's a positive
pregnancy test, Tom.
335
00:11:54,834 --> 00:11:56,268
I found it
outside of Ron's cabin
336
00:11:56,388 --> 00:11:57,455
after our brainstorming session.
337
00:11:57,575 --> 00:12:00,410
Is there any possibility
Mona-Lisa could be pregnant?
338
00:12:00,530 --> 00:12:03,185
We always use protection...
339
00:12:03,285 --> 00:12:04,753
but I'm pretty positive
she pokes holes in them.
340
00:12:04,820 --> 00:12:06,254
What brand pregnancy test
is it?
341
00:12:06,321 --> 00:12:08,122
It's called
"Womb There It Is."
342
00:12:08,190 --> 00:12:09,730
That's her brand.
343
00:12:10,057 --> 00:12:11,816
I'm gonna be a dad?
344
00:12:12,062 --> 00:12:14,830
I'm gonna have a baby
with Jean-Ralphio's sister?
345
00:12:14,950 --> 00:12:16,609
Oh, God.
What have I done?
346
00:12:16,729 --> 00:12:18,450
Like, to humanity?
347
00:12:24,614 --> 00:12:25,654
This is the perfect thing
348
00:12:25,715 --> 00:12:27,049
to take my mind
off of yesterday.
349
00:12:27,117 --> 00:12:29,852
I am going to pretend
that this is my victory parade
350
00:12:29,919 --> 00:12:32,620
and the town is celebrating
my hard work and dedication.
351
00:12:32,688 --> 00:12:34,256
- There you go.
- Leslie, Leslie.
352
00:12:34,323 --> 00:12:36,009
I'm so sorry.
I need to talk to you.
353
00:12:36,129 --> 00:12:38,681
What are--
what?
354
00:12:38,945 --> 00:12:40,245
I'm the Nipple King.
355
00:12:40,313 --> 00:12:41,814
Kernston's Rubber
Nipple Company
356
00:12:41,881 --> 00:12:43,841
elects a nipple king
and a nipple queen every year
357
00:12:43,883 --> 00:12:45,016
to ride on the float.
358
00:12:45,084 --> 00:12:47,017
- Congratulations, Chris.
- Thank you.
359
00:12:47,085 --> 00:12:49,053
- It's such an amazing honor.
- It's wonderful.
360
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:50,280
But I do need to talk to you
361
00:12:50,322 --> 00:12:51,762
about a float
that is in this parade,
362
00:12:51,790 --> 00:12:52,757
because I'm not sure
that you're going to be--
363
00:12:52,825 --> 00:12:55,259
- No fun for you!
- Uh-oh.
364
00:12:55,327 --> 00:12:56,961
No fun for you!
365
00:12:57,028 --> 00:12:59,096
- Is that me?
- Maybe it's not you.
366
00:12:59,164 --> 00:13:01,282
- Maybe it's Kate Upton.
- Oh, thank you.
367
00:13:01,402 --> 00:13:03,819
No, it's me, and damn them.
No fun for you!
368
00:13:03,939 --> 00:13:05,469
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
369
00:13:05,589 --> 00:13:06,745
Hey, stop, please!
370
00:13:06,865 --> 00:13:08,368
Stop!
Excuse me, Pawnee.
371
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,931
I'm sorry, I don't mean to stop
your parade or anything,
372
00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:13,006
but I just have to say
something here, okay?
373
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,642
I don't think
this is very fair!
374
00:13:14,762 --> 00:13:16,402
Babe--babe, stop wagging
your finger.
375
00:13:16,522 --> 00:13:18,262
Certain people
are lashing out at me
376
00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:20,117
because of things
that I did this year.
377
00:13:20,237 --> 00:13:22,490
But I am not trying to stop you
from having fun.
378
00:13:22,610 --> 00:13:24,246
I am an extremely fun person.
379
00:13:24,366 --> 00:13:26,727
This float represents a group
380
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:30,544
of over 300 business owners,
individuals,
381
00:13:30,664 --> 00:13:33,612
and community leaders
who are protesting
382
00:13:33,732 --> 00:13:35,638
unfair government regulation.
383
00:13:35,758 --> 00:13:39,651
We are the committee
to recall Leslie Knope.
384
00:13:39,771 --> 00:13:42,250
Let's kick her out of office.
385
00:13:42,370 --> 00:13:44,448
Recall Knope!
386
00:13:44,568 --> 00:13:46,679
Recall Knope!
387
00:13:46,799 --> 00:13:48,444
Recall Knope!
388
00:13:48,564 --> 00:13:51,712
- Recall Knope!
- Legalize weed!
389
00:13:51,779 --> 00:13:54,515
Recall Knope!
Recall Knope!
390
00:13:55,162 --> 00:13:56,696
So, I need to ask you something
391
00:13:56,816 --> 00:13:59,179
and I kinda wish Jean-Ralphio wasn't here.
392
00:13:59,299 --> 00:14:01,835
Please tell me
that you're dumping my sister,
393
00:14:01,902 --> 00:14:04,785
because I will laugh--
I will laugh so much.
394
00:14:04,905 --> 00:14:07,008
Actually, it may be
the opposite.
395
00:14:07,128 --> 00:14:09,822
- Is this yours?
- No, no.
396
00:14:12,079 --> 00:14:15,648
Yeah.
It's mine.
397
00:14:15,716 --> 00:14:18,180
- I'm pregnant.
- Lemony snicket.
398
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:20,234
Oh, my God, are you serious?
399
00:14:20,302 --> 00:14:21,487
I'm gonna be an uncle?
Is that a real thing?
400
00:14:21,607 --> 00:14:22,605
Is that gonna happen?
401
00:14:22,725 --> 00:14:24,555
No, no, that's too much--
too much responsibility for me.
402
00:14:24,675 --> 00:14:26,478
I gotta--I gotta find
another way out of this.
403
00:14:26,598 --> 00:14:28,158
Well, I wish you told me.
404
00:14:28,278 --> 00:14:30,055
I mean, obviously, we need
to talk about our future.
405
00:14:30,175 --> 00:14:31,279
Maybe I could sell
the business,
406
00:14:31,399 --> 00:14:32,288
and we could use the profits
407
00:14:32,408 --> 00:14:33,870
to put a down payment
on a house or something, or--
408
00:14:33,990 --> 00:14:35,766
- Psych!
- What?
409
00:14:37,199 --> 00:14:40,976
Ah, ha, ha.
Look at your stupid face.
410
00:14:41,096 --> 00:14:43,526
- You had a dumdum face.
- That was hilarious.
411
00:14:43,646 --> 00:14:46,500
Oh, that was... ♪ hilarious ♪
412
00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:49,885
♪ That's hilarious ♪
413
00:14:50,005 --> 00:14:51,953
So you're not pregnant?
This isn't yours?
414
00:14:52,073 --> 00:14:53,044
[Bleep], no.
415
00:14:53,164 --> 00:14:56,371
Do you know how many different
pills I take,
416
00:14:56,491 --> 00:14:58,520
birth control or otherwise?
417
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,451
There is no way that I could
be pregnant with a human baby.
418
00:15:01,571 --> 00:15:03,339
Thank God.
Yes!
419
00:15:03,459 --> 00:15:05,275
Tommy has his life back!
Let's go!
420
00:15:05,395 --> 00:15:06,284
What the hell
is wrong with you, man?
421
00:15:06,404 --> 00:15:07,409
That's my sister.
422
00:15:07,989 --> 00:15:09,474
Nah!
I'm just kidding, man.
423
00:15:09,594 --> 00:15:12,460
She's the worst.
You dodged a bullet, baby.
424
00:15:12,580 --> 00:15:13,661
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
425
00:15:13,684 --> 00:15:14,900
Bad, bad, bad, bad.
426
00:15:15,020 --> 00:15:17,368
Well, Macklin,
it's not Mona-Lisa.
427
00:15:17,452 --> 00:15:19,083
It's not me, it's not Donna,
it's not Leslie.
428
00:15:19,203 --> 00:15:20,964
There was only one other woman
at that cabin.
429
00:15:21,084 --> 00:15:22,642
April?
No, she would've told me.
430
00:15:22,762 --> 00:15:24,221
Besides, the math
doesn't add up
431
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,471
because we only have sex
every single day.
432
00:15:26,591 --> 00:15:29,460
And since she's the only one
that we haven't talked to,
433
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:31,669
it has to be hers.
434
00:15:31,789 --> 00:15:33,142
Oh, my God.
435
00:15:37,456 --> 00:15:38,967
I don't like seeing you
like this.
436
00:15:39,087 --> 00:15:40,524
I've never felt
this way before.
437
00:15:40,644 --> 00:15:41,685
Maybe I should just quit.
438
00:15:41,805 --> 00:15:43,376
Maybe we should both quit,
439
00:15:43,496 --> 00:15:44,817
and we should move
to the Bahamas,
440
00:15:44,901 --> 00:15:48,133
live on a beach,
catch fish with homemade spears.
441
00:15:48,253 --> 00:15:50,383
Yeah, you'd last
about 30 seconds with that work.
442
00:15:50,503 --> 00:15:51,715
When we went to Hawaii,
443
00:15:51,835 --> 00:15:53,515
you woke me up at 3:00 A.M.
to watch Meet the Press.
444
00:15:53,635 --> 00:15:55,260
Well, it was Elizabeth Warren.
445
00:15:55,380 --> 00:15:57,409
Like, I'm not going
to watch that live?
446
00:15:57,529 --> 00:15:59,009
Look, you can hate
your job sometimes.
447
00:15:59,070 --> 00:16:00,709
It's allowed.
But let me ask you this:
448
00:16:00,829 --> 00:16:02,350
Do you think this town
is better off
449
00:16:02,470 --> 00:16:04,163
- than it was a year ago?
- Yes.
450
00:16:04,283 --> 00:16:06,043
Do you stand behind
everything you've done?
451
00:16:06,161 --> 00:16:08,067
- Yes.
- Then screw 'em.
452
00:16:08,933 --> 00:16:11,086
But even if I wanted
to fight this recall,
453
00:16:11,206 --> 00:16:12,341
how would I do it?
454
00:16:13,609 --> 00:16:15,220
Thank you all for coming.
455
00:16:15,329 --> 00:16:17,062
As most of you probably know,
456
00:16:17,130 --> 00:16:19,532
there is a large committee
that has announced plans
457
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:20,999
to recall me from office.
458
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,936
My response to them is this:
459
00:16:24,003 --> 00:16:25,541
Bring it on.
460
00:16:25,661 --> 00:16:28,172
Step up.
Step Up 2: The Streets.
461
00:16:28,241 --> 00:16:29,944
I'm sorry,
my adrenaline is pumping,
462
00:16:30,064 --> 00:16:31,908
so all I can think of
is dance movie titles.
463
00:16:32,028 --> 00:16:33,735
Stomp the Yard.
There's one.
464
00:16:33,855 --> 00:16:35,682
Look, I work very hard
for this town,
465
00:16:35,802 --> 00:16:36,800
as hard as I can,
466
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,668
and all that matters to me
is whether or not
467
00:16:38,788 --> 00:16:41,088
everyone here thinks
that they are better off now
468
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:43,014
than they were a year ago.
469
00:16:43,134 --> 00:16:44,061
I think you are.
470
00:16:44,181 --> 00:16:46,325
If you disagree with me,
then go ahead and recall me.
471
00:16:46,445 --> 00:16:48,517
Go crazy.
You Got Served.
472
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,769
Silver Linings Playbook,
kind of.
473
00:16:51,001 --> 00:16:52,481
The committee says
they plan to push
474
00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:53,851
for a recall vote
within two months.
475
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,300
- Do you have a comment on that?
- Nope.
476
00:16:55,420 --> 00:16:58,431
Again, all I really care about
is are you better off?
477
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:00,190
I think I'm better off.
478
00:17:00,310 --> 00:17:01,609
I haven't had a date
in a while,
479
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:03,354
but I'm learning a lot
about me.
480
00:17:03,474 --> 00:17:04,994
Well, I wasn't
asking you specifically,
481
00:17:05,010 --> 00:17:06,144
but I'm happy
to hear that, Shauna.
482
00:17:06,264 --> 00:17:09,245
So, in conclusion,
recall, shmecall.
483
00:17:09,365 --> 00:17:12,740
No, I can't end
my big press conference
484
00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:13,981
by saying
"Recall, shmecall."
485
00:17:14,026 --> 00:17:15,946
That's ridiculous.
Ben, can you help me out here?
486
00:17:15,965 --> 00:17:18,126
That concludes councilwoman
Knope's press conference.
487
00:17:18,232 --> 00:17:19,981
And if you have
any further questions...
488
00:17:20,101 --> 00:17:22,571
hold on to them,
489
00:17:22,691 --> 00:17:24,261
because she has
a lot of work to do.
490
00:17:24,381 --> 00:17:25,570
Thanks, honey.
Honey.
491
00:17:25,690 --> 00:17:28,189
That's another dance movie
with Jessica alba.
492
00:17:29,157 --> 00:17:30,329
Alright, people.
493
00:17:30,511 --> 00:17:32,229
The Pawnee river's
not gonna clean itself.
494
00:17:32,349 --> 00:17:34,517
Volunteer weekend
task force, mobilize.
495
00:17:34,585 --> 00:17:36,385
Oh, Leslie,
this goes without saying,
496
00:17:36,453 --> 00:17:38,754
but if you need
any speeches or testimonials
497
00:17:38,821 --> 00:17:41,089
or just general enthusiasm
for your recall fight,
498
00:17:41,157 --> 00:17:42,257
I'm your man.
499
00:17:42,324 --> 00:17:43,525
- Thank you, Chris.
- You're welcome.
500
00:17:43,593 --> 00:17:45,226
I'll see you at the river.
Oh, oh, oh!
501
00:17:45,294 --> 00:17:47,619
Last one to pick up
100 rusty cans
502
00:17:47,898 --> 00:17:49,965
has still accomplished
a great deal.
503
00:17:50,033 --> 00:17:51,354
Hey, maybe after,
you wanna come
504
00:17:51,401 --> 00:17:52,601
meet me and Chris for a drink?
505
00:17:52,636 --> 00:17:54,636
Sure. Hey, how's it going
with you guys?
506
00:17:54,703 --> 00:17:57,806
We're great, actually,
and we're having a good time.
507
00:17:57,873 --> 00:17:59,340
- Sex is ridiculous.
- Mm-hmm.
508
00:17:59,408 --> 00:18:01,509
Hopefully, that ridiculous sex
will lead to a baby.
509
00:18:01,577 --> 00:18:02,551
I'm so happy for you.
510
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:03,816
Just remember
to use protection.
511
00:18:03,885 --> 00:18:05,785
Wait, no, don't.
That would defeat the purpose.
512
00:18:05,853 --> 00:18:07,720
Okay, no.
Do your thing.
513
00:18:09,917 --> 00:18:11,757
Yeah!
514
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:15,008
- My wife is pregnant!
- Okay, put me down.
515
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:16,161
Hey, you can't keep it from me.
516
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,162
I found
the pregnancy test, honey.
517
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:18,430
Honey, I'm not pregnant, okay?
518
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,992
And if I were,
you shouldn't lift me up.
519
00:18:20,086 --> 00:18:21,671
Wait, are you sure you're not?
520
00:18:21,791 --> 00:18:23,443
Yeah.
We've talked about this.
521
00:18:23,563 --> 00:18:24,289
Remember?
522
00:18:24,409 --> 00:18:25,540
I wanna wait until we're 50
523
00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:28,172
and then adopt a set of creepy
adult twins from Romania.
524
00:18:28,292 --> 00:18:29,385
Oh, yeah.
Of course.
525
00:18:29,505 --> 00:18:31,385
Actually, there is something
I need to tell you.
526
00:18:31,408 --> 00:18:33,033
You're pregnant.
527
00:18:33,153 --> 00:18:34,383
- No.
- No!
528
00:18:34,503 --> 00:18:36,116
We just ruled that out.
529
00:18:36,236 --> 00:18:38,084
- Ah, dang it.
- Okay, a while ago,
530
00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:39,734
I applied to veterinary school
in Bloomington,
531
00:18:39,854 --> 00:18:43,395
and I just found out that...
I got in.
532
00:18:43,515 --> 00:18:45,734
You did?
That's amazing!
533
00:18:45,854 --> 00:18:47,356
Wait, why did you wait
to tell me?
534
00:18:47,476 --> 00:18:49,865
Because I don't even know
if I wanna go, okay?
535
00:18:49,985 --> 00:18:52,218
I mean, yes, it's been my dream
to work with animals
536
00:18:52,338 --> 00:18:54,373
since I was a kid
and everything.
537
00:18:54,604 --> 00:18:55,545
But it would mean
I would be spending
538
00:18:55,665 --> 00:18:57,373
a lot of time
apart from you, and...
539
00:18:57,493 --> 00:18:58,934
Oh, we could get through that.
540
00:18:59,064 --> 00:19:00,625
I mean, look.
It would suck for a while,
541
00:19:00,665 --> 00:19:02,465
and I would miss you
while you're gone.
542
00:19:03,446 --> 00:19:05,451
But as I've known about you
543
00:19:05,571 --> 00:19:07,524
for the past 20 seconds,
544
00:19:07,644 --> 00:19:09,553
this is your dream.
545
00:19:10,565 --> 00:19:12,156
I'm really glad I married you.
546
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:13,915
Yeah, we made a good call
on that one.
547
00:19:15,156 --> 00:19:16,643
So I just wanted
to let you know
548
00:19:16,763 --> 00:19:18,622
I will not
be selling Rent-A-Swag.
549
00:19:18,742 --> 00:19:20,190
And you can go tell your client
550
00:19:20,310 --> 00:19:22,952
he now has 100 problems?
551
00:19:23,072 --> 00:19:24,681
- Is it Jay-Z?
- No.
552
00:19:24,801 --> 00:19:25,881
But since you're not taking
the deal,
553
00:19:26,001 --> 00:19:27,108
I should inform you
that my client
554
00:19:27,228 --> 00:19:29,662
will be moving on to plan B:
Opening his own store
555
00:19:29,782 --> 00:19:31,061
directly across the street
from yours.
556
00:19:31,181 --> 00:19:32,056
Across the street?
557
00:19:32,176 --> 00:19:33,174
What kind of store
is it gonna be?
558
00:19:33,294 --> 00:19:34,655
He's calling it
"Tommy's Closet."
559
00:19:34,713 --> 00:19:36,870
It's a high-end
secondhand clothing store
560
00:19:36,990 --> 00:19:37,961
where parents can rent clothes
561
00:19:38,081 --> 00:19:39,515
for their teens,
tweens, and pres,
562
00:19:39,635 --> 00:19:42,681
as well as babies, toddlers,
grown-ups, and olds.
563
00:19:42,801 --> 00:19:44,400
But that's my idea and my name.
564
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,824
So I guess only Domino's
is allowed to sell pizza now?
565
00:19:46,944 --> 00:19:48,815
It's called capitalism,
Mr. Haverford,
566
00:19:48,935 --> 00:19:50,784
and you are about to get
a free lesson.
567
00:19:50,904 --> 00:19:54,132
Only this free lesson
is going to cost you.
568
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,579
So it's not free?
569
00:19:57,875 --> 00:19:59,688
You're right.
That was confusing.
570
00:20:00,356 --> 00:20:02,349
This lesson will cost you.
Good day.
571
00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:04,967
This sucks,
but I have to admit:
572
00:20:05,267 --> 00:20:06,669
It's a pretty baller move.
573
00:20:07,255 --> 00:20:09,038
You sure this isn't Diddy?
574
00:20:11,629 --> 00:20:13,707
- It is Diddy.
- I knew it!
575
00:20:13,827 --> 00:20:14,771
It's not Diddy.
576
00:20:16,823 --> 00:20:19,061
Are you sure
everything will be all right
577
00:20:19,181 --> 00:20:20,302
if April goes to vet school?
578
00:20:20,414 --> 00:20:22,680
There are no sure things
in life, son,
579
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,103
but you two seem
pretty solid to me.
580
00:20:25,223 --> 00:20:27,980
- Change is good, I guess.
- Not to me.
581
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,116
Leslie's going around
asking everybody
582
00:20:30,236 --> 00:20:32,216
if they're better off
than they were a year ago.
583
00:20:32,336 --> 00:20:34,720
All I care about
is that I'm the same.
584
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:37,671
If I'm the same as I was
a year ago, I'm happy.
585
00:20:37,791 --> 00:20:38,857
Wait, I forgot.
586
00:20:39,157 --> 00:20:41,060
- Who the hell is pregnant?
- What?
587
00:20:41,180 --> 00:20:42,781
I found a pregnancy test
at your cabin,
588
00:20:42,789 --> 00:20:44,197
and I checked with all the girls
over there.
589
00:20:44,317 --> 00:20:46,576
It wasn't any of them.
590
00:20:46,917 --> 00:20:49,085
Hello, darling.
What a surprise.
591
00:20:49,205 --> 00:20:51,204
Hey.
Can we talk?
592
00:20:51,324 --> 00:20:53,175
Maybe in private?
593
00:20:56,111 --> 00:21:02,691
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com