Okay, here's
the text for your speech.
I added a few more jokes
slamming Eagleton at the end.
Mmm. That's the sexiest thing
you've ever said to me.
So glad
you're on my team.
Are you sure you
want to attack them
at this press conference?
It's a friendly wager
on a high school
basketball game.
I'm losing
the recall election, Ben.
Slamming Eagleton is
the easiest way to
score some points.
Look. Am I proud of it?
Yes, because Eagleton sucks.
But is it the classiest move?
Yes, because Eagleton sucks.
Would I do it again?
Yes, because Eagleton sucks.
This year, we get to host
the Pawnee-Eagleton
Tip-Off Classic.
That awful human
being is Ingrid De Forest.
She's a city
councilor from Eagleton.
She thinks she's
so great because
she won the Miss
Indiana beauty pageant.
Last year,
while she was in office.
And pregnant.
As always,
we would like to make
a friendly
wager with Eagleton.
If you beat us this year,
we will give you
a basket of apples
from our Pawnee orchard.
Ew, pesticide.
Yuck!
Oh, no, these are
pesticide-free.
I ate one of these for
breakfast this morning,
and I found
a worm in it.
So...
I bet somebody feels
pretty stupid right now.
Well, Leslie, I think
we had similar ideas.
If you win,
Eagleton will give you
this basket of oranges.
Of course,
it's silly to compare
apples and oranges,
but what the heck.
These are made of
Swarovski Crystal
and they're worth
$700,000.
Leslie, you're down
15 points
in the latest poll
for the recall election.
What can you do to
make up the deficit?
I'll tell you what I'd do
if I was an Eagletonian.
I'd pop a Xanax and ask my
butler to help me out.
I mean, I'm not saying that
Eagletonians are out of touch,
but when you
tell them it's time
to change their oil,
they ask "Extra
virgin or white truffle?"
Thanks, guys.
I'll see you at the game.
Unless, of course,
you're an Eagletonian.
And then,
you'll be too busy polishing
your monocle at
the caviar store.
Knope out.
Who or what is
Pennysaver?
It's a free circular
with a bunch of coupons in it.
This was sent to Ron Swanson
at Diane's address...
...where I've lived
for less than a month.
How is that possible?
This is an extreme
invasion of privacy.
The right to privacy
is very important to me.
My family has had
a single P.O. box
for several generations.
We only ever subscribed
to two magazines.
Reader's Digest
and Ebony.
Ebony was due to
a clerical error,
but it ended up being an
interesting year of reading.
I don't know how this was
delivered to me,
but it cannot happen again.
How can I stop it?
Mmm. Donna is great
with this sort of thing.
She got me off the
Williams-Sonoma mailing list.
But then, I just
signed back up again.
I'm hooked on
their oven mitts.
I need my mitts
on those mitts.
Let me know
the second Donna returns.
According to her
Twitter feed,
she got coffee
five minutes ago.
Wait, now she's
Ustreaming her walk back.
She should be here
in three, two, one.
Hey, hey!
#QuestForCoffee,
blowing up my timeline.
Did you get my
Snapchat about it?
No.
What?
There it is.
Hey, you wanted
to see me?
I did. Think fast!
Oh, my God.
Hey, Dr. Buttons.
I mean,
my old calculator.
It doesn't have a name.
Why did you throw this at me?
I just got off the phone
with our old boss
from Indianapolis.
And apparently, there may be
some sort of a budget
problem in Eagleton.
He asked if maybe you and I
wouldn't have a look.
You in?
Butch Count-sidy
and the Sum-dance Kid,
together again?
Hmm.
Auditing Bros.
Yeah. And Auditing Sista.
Let's do this.
Oh, you're coming.
If there's
a problem with Eagleton,
I want to be there.
That's like
a dream come true.
Besides, I have a new
routine I'm working on.
Kind of like a Jeff
Foxworthy type thing,
but about Eagleton.
If you make your omelet
out of Fabergé eggs,
you just might be
an Eagletonian.
Might be
an Eagletonian.
Yippee! Road trip.
Who's excited to go
to Bloomington?
Is that where
you're going to sit?
I'm driving.
Where else would I sit?
Trunk.
I helped April
get into vet school
in Bloomington.
And today is
her orientation,
so we're taking
a little road trip.
While I'm there,
I'm also going to pick up
an organic baby blanket.
I would get one in Pawnee,
but, fun fact,
our only baby
store is attached to
a chemical refinery.
I made a special
road trip mix CD for us.
I hope you like
Tori Amos.
Oh, cool.
It really is
a pleasure to see you
in this context, Ingrid.
Say cheese.
Damn it, you look beautiful.
Could you give us
a little more information
surrounding the deficits
that you're running this year?
Ooh, gosh.
We don't really like
to talk about money.
We find it
a little gauche.
This is
a budget meeting.
Well, most of our files
are in these boxes,
if you really want
to take a look at
how much money...
...that we've spent.
Why don't we
just dig in and see
what we're up against?
Yes. And thank you.
We really appreciate
your help.
Are you tipping me?
Is that a hundred... Euros?
People ought to have
the right to be left alone.
I want to get
completely off the grid.
That's crazy talk.
I live for the grid.
It's where I meet
40% of my jump-offs.
And if you're
off the grid,
how are you gonna post
photos of the dope food
at restaurants you're at,
and all the cool
places you're stunting in?
Food is for eating.
Places are for being.
End of discussion.
Don't leave the grid, Ron.
The grid is the best.
If anything, you need
to get more on the grid.
Grid. Grid. Grid.
If you help me
get off the grid,
I will let both of
you go home early.
No grid. No grid.
All right.
So, you have everything
you need for orientation?
Yeah. An empty
Sprite can,
an old man's fingernail
in my pocket,
and a picture of Patrick Ewing
on a roller coaster.
I'm all set.
Great.
Hi. My friend here is
enrolling in the vet school
next month,
and she would like
to be shown around.
Totally. Happy to.
I'm Laura.
I'm April Ludgate
Kevorkian.
So, you go with Laura,
who seems really nice
and does not deserve
to be tortured,
and I will come
meet up with you
after I finish
at the baby store.
You sure you want to
leave me here with her?
What if I'm a murderer?
What?
Funny.
This is worse than I
could have imagined.
Their debt-to-equity
ratio is ridonkulous.
What a hilarious word.
It reminds me of
a ridiculous donkey.
He's the best.
What does this mean
for them?
They were in financial trouble
a few years ago
like Pawnee was.
But their government
just kept borrowing money.
Eagleton is on the brink of
an epic financial disaster.
Ah.
Now, that is the sexiest thing
you've ever said to me.
Really? That?
This is going to hand
me the recall election.
I saved Pawnee
from bankruptcy.
Now, I get to remind
people of that fact
as we watch our
worst enemy collapse
into bankruptcy.
Plus, guess what I get to do
after the game now?
You pretend you're Ingrid.
Let's pretend this box
is the basket of apples
I bet them on the game.
I see where
you're going with this.
No, you don't.
Yeah, you're going to
ask me if I like apples.
Do you like apples?
We just watched this
movie two nights ago.
Do you like apples?
I don't want to do this.
How 'bout them apples?
Paul, if you ever see
another one of these
with my name on it,
I want you to
drive into the woods
and bury it.
I don't decide
who gets mail, sir.
I just deliver it.
Passing the buck.
The last refuge
of the cowardly
and black-hearted.
That seems harsh.
Get out.
We got rid of your cell phone.
This is your last credit card.
Are you sure you want me
to cut up this card?
It gets you into
the parking garage.
I'll be taking the bus now,
and I'll be paying in cash.
What other traces of
me exist in the world?
Think, people.
Isn't there a photo of you
up at JJ's Diner from
that time when you...
Ow!
Come on, Tom!
This place is unbelievable.
It has everything I need.
Video monitors,
lead-free pacifiers.
These are the first
bibs I've ever seen
without Dale
Earnhardt Jr.'s face on them.
Really?
April? Excuse me. Sorry.
April, why aren't
you at orientation?
Um, I was at orientation.
But it was lame, so I left.
And then, I kept walking.
And now, here I am.
We are going back
there right now,
young lady.
Mmm-mmm.
Come on.
God. Get off me,
stranger.
I'm so sorry we're late.
We came from our
bankruptcy brunch.
And Michael Bublé played,
but he ran a little long.
I love Michael Bublé.
Was a bankruptcy
brunch the best idea?
Sure, let's not have brunch.
Like animals.
Well, um, some of these
expenditures are questionable.
Mmm.
You filled the public pools
with bottled water?
Total body hydration.
What is this here,
this massive expenditure
from Public Works?
Ah, yes. Well, yes.
We purchased HBO
for the whole town.
I'm sorry.
You spent government money
on a TV subscription?
It's not TV.
All right. Uh,
Leslie has put together
a presentation for
a financial recovery.
Great.
I think you may find
it very informative.
Let's get started
with our first slide.
"Well, well, well..."
JJ, a few months ago,
I came in here
and began eating eggs.
They were delicious,
so I ordered more.
Before long,
I believe I had eaten...
Fifty-one eggs
in 20 minutes.
Couldn't cook
them fast enough.
The last 10 were
still in the shell.
It was a JJ's Diner record,
and you took his picture.
Now, we need that picture
for privacy reasons.
Okay. But I don't know how
anybody would know it's you.
We followed your instructions.
That's too much information.
Let's go.
Where are we going now?
I've eaten a lot of food
in a lot of restaurants.
Why is everyone
else so bad at eating?
I only agreed
to come back here
because of our deal.
Do you promise
to play along?
Yes.
Do you?
Yes.
Hi, you're back.
Hello again.
As you remember,
I'm April,
and this is Ann,
my 65-year-old grandmother.
Yes, that's who I am.
Anyway, we'd love
to hear about Bloomington.
It seems like a real
hip kind of college town.
Mee-Maw. God. No one uses
the word "hip" anymore.
Sometimes,
I wish you went down
on the Titanic with all
your sorority sisters.
I would be happy
to show you guys
around the campus.
Is there
anything in particular
that you want to see?
How are your
local graveyards?
I have some planning to do.
"You blew it.
Super hard.
"Complete buffoonery.
"It's hilarious,"
and "You deserve it."
You think you might
want to take it easy
on them a little bit?
Oh, like they took it
easy on us when they
stole all our money
and seceded from our town?
That was 200 years ago.
Cool it.
Fine. I'll skip ahead.
Do you have a plan
that will help us or not?
We have borrowed
absolutely everything
we can from the state.
And really...
Pawnee is our only hope.
We do have a plan.
We are willing to
provide a bridge loan
for $50,000.
25% interest,
compounded monthly.
And you need to release
a statement that says
that Pawnee rules
and Eagleton drools.
Well, now, you're
just being nasty.
I understand
that our towns have
a complicated history, but...
We have a saying in Eagleton.
"You don't kick
a dressage horse
after a failed pas de deux."
Whatever, blondie.
Your butler made your bed,
and now you've got to
lie in it.
And if you walk out
that door,
none of us here,
and I repeat, none of us
will ever help you again.
Oh, my God.
They have Michael
Bublé on retainer.
Okay, all public
photos of me recovered,
name plate removed
from my office door,
pediatrician files
confiscated and destroyed.
Anything I'm missing?
Great news, Ron.
Jean-Ralphio loves your shirt.
What the hell are
you talking about?
Oh, I've been taking
pictures of you all day
for my new Facebook album.
"Ron Swan:
Getting off the Grid."
Tom.
Do you maybe see a problem
with what you've done?
I do now. Yes. Sorry.
Erase.
Erase. Erase.
Erase all pictures of Ron!
What the hell is happening?
I think you
accidentally opened up Vine.
You just vined your
first selfie, Ron.
And I'm vining you
vining your selfie.
The world is a nightmare.
Erase all pictures of Ron!
Wait, wait, wait.
Erase all pictures of Ron!
The B-Line is
a cool outdoor trail
that cuts right
through downtown.
She said the B-Line
is cool, Mee-Maw.
"Cool" means good.
Thank you, Laura,
for showing us around.
Sure. See you in
a couple weeks, April.
See? This place is great.
Aren't you glad we came back
and talked to her?
No. It was pointless.
I'm not going to school here.
April,
don't flake out on this.
You're going to love it here.
Bloomington is great.
It's got culture and music
and tons of youngsters.
"Youngsters"?
Am I 65 years old?
Yeah, I'm not going here.
I don't want to.
Let's leave.
Think fast!
Oh.
Why do people keep assuming
I'm ready to catch things?
"Eagleton, no money,
mo' problems."
Fantastic, right?
I made enough of
them for everybody
to wear at the game.
I do like a good
internal rhyme.
Ben, you ready for dinner?
We can go over
the poll numbers.
Oh. You know, I've got
a few phone calls to make.
Can you give me an hour?
I can meet you there.
Oh, my God.
What is she doing here?
I'm sorry, Leslie,
but you didn't really
help them very much.
So, we volunteered
to give them a little
financial advice.
You didn't
actually help us at all.
Just one second.
Yeah.
I'm just going to
help them out, okay?
Mmm.
Just for an hour.
He's just being
a good neighbor.
We're in a lot of trouble,
Leslie.
I don't need any
lip from you, okay?
You're in trouble because
of your own stupidity.
I have a PhD
from the Sorbonne.
For what?
Wearing Chanel suits?
There was
a fashion component, yes.
I'm not mad that
you're doing this.
Yes, I am mad that
you're doing this.
But even worse, I'm mad
that you just
lied to me about it.
Okay, I'm sorry.
We all swore that
we weren't going to
ever help her again, ever.
I never said that.
You did.
I speak for all of
us in all matters.
That is what you
tacitly agreed to
when you married me.
What?
Yeah. Let's go.
You've changed your mind.
You're not going
to help her anymore.
Leslie, I just want to borrow
your husband for the evening.
Can we please talk about
what happened back there?
What, Ann?
I just stole your phone
and texted every guy in it
that the baby was theirs.
It's not
that big of a deal.
Listen. I know you
don't believe this,
but I care
about your future.
And I'm just
a little disappointed
that you're just not
following through with this.
Yeah, it's not
about following through.
Okay? I was on the fence
about whether I wanted
to do it.
And as soon as
I got there,
I just had a gut feeling
that it wasn't right for me.
That's all.
So, just like that. Boom.
Huge life decision made?
That's how I make
all my life decisions.
My gut is always right.
Okay?
It was right
about marrying Andy,
and it was right
when it told me
that you would be
the worst person
I would ever meet in my life.
And I've met
Guy Fieri, Ann.
So gross.
How do you get your
gut to talk to you?
You don't get your
gut to talk to you.
You just listen
when it says something.
Well, right now,
my gut is saying
that we are going to
listen to Mariah Carey
the whole way home.
Good.
Oh. Wow, I'm really
surprised you're sitting
on this side of the bleachers,
and not on the Eagleton side
with your new girlfriend,
Ingrid.
Leslie, I'm just trying
to help them.
Why? They wouldn't help us
if the tables were turned.
I mean,
they're 50 points ahead
and they're still dunking.
I mean, look at this guy.
There's no way he
is in high school.
And I'm better at
French horn, too, Eric.
People are going to
lose their jobs, Leslie.
And the recovery
will take years.
Deep down, I think
you feel bad for them.
Okay. I do, a little. Yes.
And I'm sorry that I
blew up at you yesterday.
With all the recall stuff
happening,
I just really need to feel
like you're on my team.
And seeing you with them
made me feel like you weren't.
I'm always going
to be on your team.
You never have to
worry about that.
Defense!
Oh.
Eagleton player number seven
injured on the play.
Official timeout.
Oh, God.
I'm going to say something.
And if I throw up on
you after I say it,
just know you've been warned.
I know how we
can help Eagleton.
I don't see what
the problem is.
I will give you
a certain amount of gold
in exchange for
a recreational vehicle.
I still need an address
for insurance purposes.
This will be my new home.
The address is
wherever it is parked.
Where have you been?
I had a flat tire,
and I've been trying
to get in touch
with you for hours.
Sorry, darling.
I've been busy destroying
most of my personal effects
and threatening
a postal worker.
Ron, I know you
value your privacy,
but you are a husband
and a father now.
You can't just roam
the streets in an RV
and be impossible to find.
I'm on a mission
to get off the grid.
Well, you don't have to be
entirely on the grid.
But you have to
be on our grid.
I suppose you
wouldn't consider moving.
I've heard the school
system in the tunnels
beneath Yucca Mountain
is adequate.
I love you, but your solution
to every problem is
to live inside a mountain.
I love you, too.
Okay.
One more time.
Are you
absolutely sure you want
to go through with this?
A lot of people are
going to get angry.
And you might lose
the recall election.
Or if I pull it off,
I just might win.
Plus, a very smart
member of my team
pointed out
it's the right thing
to do.
Good morning.
After an all-night
strategy session,
the towns of
Pawnee and Eagleton
have come up with
a potential solution
to Eagleton's budget crisis.
The town of Eagleton
will be dissolved
and re-absorbed into Pawnee.
Pawnee will provide
some government services
as well as taking on
some of Eagleton's debts.
I understand.
Look, I hate Eagletonians
as much as you do.
I hate their stupid,
beautiful faces
and their stupid,
shiny hair.
We've looked
at every alternative.
This is the only scenario
that prevents Eagleton's
financial crisis
from spiraling
throughout the entire region.
Eagleton is terrible.
Why should I bail them out
with the hard-earned money
from my unemployment check?
Yeah!
Because they are
our neighbor,
and they've sprained
their ankle.
And when your
neighbor sprains his ankle,
you help him off the court.
I understand you have
concerns and questions,
and we are here
to listen to them.
But.
One at a time, please.
I hate the
one-at-a-time system!
Why should we bail them out?
No one bailed me out
when I got arrested for arson.
You can't just
merge two towns.
It's against
the rules of nature.
What's next,
merging a man with his dog?
I live in Eagleton.
And frankly,
I don't like the idea
of living in Pawnee.
They're a little...
What's the word?
Have no money.
Oh.
Bertram, that's enough.
First of all,
Eagleton has no money.
Second of all,
they are gracious enough
to throw us a lifeline,
and we should be
eternally grateful
for their generosity.
They're a town of angels.
Greasy, denim-clad angels.
Angels, nonetheless.
Yeah, we'll take it.
I mean, did you
steal this from a museum,
or maybe find
it frozen in ice?
It looks like
the original phone
from the movie Wall Street.
I think it's just
the original phone, period.
Ew, gross, it has buttons.
Okay, girls,
this is a magic phone.
Okay? Only you and I
have got the number.
So, if you ever need
Ron for any reason,
you just call and
he'll be there in a flash.
Yes, I will.
I'll keep it right here.
Snaps right in.
Snug and secure.
A cell phone belt clip?
No, Ron. Oh, my God.
Yeah,
I can't be seen with you.
Traveling Ann Perkins,
how was Bloomington?
It was amazing.
They had all the
baby supplies we need.
And then all this
other cool stuff...
They had
a bike-sharing program,
and a vegan
Afghan restaurant, and...
Oh, my God, I'm having one.
I'm having one right now.
A contraction?
No.
Dude, I'm, like,
three months pregnant.
I know.
I'm just so excited.
The thing I'm
having is a gut feeling.
What would you think
about raising our child
somewhere other than Pawnee?
Thank you, Leslie,
from all of us
in Eagleton.
Our citizens owe you
a debt of gratitude.
I think,
at the end of the day,
everybody realized this is
something we have to do.
On the bright side,
we did win
the basketball game.
I think you owe
us some apples.
You better pay up.
Oh, you don't want them.
All of Pawnee's apples
have been recalled.
G. coli.
You mean E. coli?
I wish.
Way easier to treat.
Welcome to Pawnee!