1
00:00:02,783 --> 00:00:06,328
This is a historic day.
At 12:01 this morning,
2
00:00:06,411 --> 00:00:08,121
the City of Eagleton
ceased to exist
3
00:00:08,205 --> 00:00:10,165
and was re-absorbed
back into Pawnee.
4
00:00:10,249 --> 00:00:13,335
Things are exactly the way
they were back in 1817.
5
00:00:13,418 --> 00:00:15,629
Except, you know,
women and minorities can vote,
6
00:00:15,712 --> 00:00:17,172
we have indoor toilets,
7
00:00:17,256 --> 00:00:20,133
and we no longer burn widows
for learning arithmetic.
8
00:00:20,551 --> 00:00:23,136
Councilwoman Knope
is your merger czar,
9
00:00:23,220 --> 00:00:24,740
and in the binders
that she's provided,
10
00:00:24,805 --> 00:00:27,641
you will find directions
to your department in Pawnee
11
00:00:27,724 --> 00:00:30,227
that most closely matches
your department in Eagleton.
12
00:00:30,352 --> 00:00:32,771
There are two Eagleton
departments Pawnee does not have,
13
00:00:32,854 --> 00:00:35,566
the Department of
Infinity Pool Design
14
00:00:35,649 --> 00:00:37,442
and the Department of Dressage,
15
00:00:37,526 --> 00:00:39,820
which I am told is
a fancy horse-riding thing.
16
00:00:39,903 --> 00:00:42,656
It is horse-dancing, madam.
17
00:00:42,739 --> 00:00:44,074
Okay, take it easy, Alonzo.
18
00:00:44,157 --> 00:00:46,910
All you horse-dancing people,
sit in your saddles if you will.
19
00:00:46,994 --> 00:00:49,496
The rest of you, welcome
to your new departments.
20
00:00:49,580 --> 00:00:53,959
Attention, Eagleton is
now under martial law. No.
21
00:01:14,396 --> 00:01:15,856
Okay, Pawnee Parks Department,
22
00:01:15,939 --> 00:01:17,941
soon, you will be
paired up with the person
23
00:01:18,025 --> 00:01:20,235
who was roughly
your equivalent in Eagleton.
24
00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:22,237
Donna, you'll be with Craig.
25
00:01:22,321 --> 00:01:24,740
April, you'll be with
someone named Tynnyfer.
26
00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:27,034
And Ron,
your guy is also named Ron.
27
00:01:27,117 --> 00:01:29,286
Guess there's no Tom
Haverford equivalent.
28
00:01:29,369 --> 00:01:31,246
Not surprised,
I'm one of a kind,
29
00:01:31,330 --> 00:01:32,724
just like the custom
Nikes I designed
30
00:01:32,748 --> 00:01:35,375
that say "Tommy's
Tootsies" across the toes.
31
00:01:35,459 --> 00:01:37,210
LESLIE: You do have
a counterpart, actually.
32
00:01:37,294 --> 00:01:39,379
His name is Eric,
and I've heard he's amazing.
33
00:01:39,463 --> 00:01:41,423
Anyway, I also have
a little surprise.
34
00:01:41,506 --> 00:01:43,925
I would like to
introduce our new filing temp.
35
00:01:44,009 --> 00:01:46,094
Hey, everybody.
No!
36
00:01:46,178 --> 00:01:48,096
No, why?
This can't be happening.
37
00:01:48,180 --> 00:01:49,222
Why, Leslie?
38
00:01:49,306 --> 00:01:51,391
We brought Jerry
out of retirement
39
00:01:51,475 --> 00:01:53,411
because we have a mountain
of filing to get through.
40
00:01:53,435 --> 00:01:55,479
Welcome back, Jerry Gergich.
Thank you, Leslie.
41
00:01:55,562 --> 00:01:57,397
And as long as we're
starting out fresh,
42
00:01:57,481 --> 00:02:00,359
Leslie, I was wondering if people
would call me by my real name.
43
00:02:00,442 --> 00:02:02,444
Larry?
No, it's not Larry.
44
00:02:02,527 --> 00:02:04,613
It's Jerry. No, it's Gary.
45
00:02:04,696 --> 00:02:06,740
Your name is Larry,
Larry Gengurch.
46
00:02:06,823 --> 00:02:08,116
His name is Larry Gengurch.
47
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,760
Come on, April,
it's already hard enough
48
00:02:09,785 --> 00:02:11,286
for my family when
you call me "Gary."
49
00:02:12,162 --> 00:02:14,331
Jerry.
[LAUGHING] Classic Larry.
50
00:02:15,123 --> 00:02:18,293
ALL: [CHANTING]
Larry, Larry, Larry. Jeez.
51
00:02:18,377 --> 00:02:21,254
Look, I'm trying to save
as many jobs as possible,
52
00:02:21,338 --> 00:02:23,006
but we're gonna have
to lose some people.
53
00:02:23,090 --> 00:02:24,633
I'm not sure who we should keep.
54
00:02:24,716 --> 00:02:26,635
April, Tom and Donna
are three of the best
55
00:02:26,718 --> 00:02:28,220
human beings that
have ever lived.
56
00:02:28,303 --> 00:02:31,723
Ron is basically a better
version of George Washington.
57
00:02:31,807 --> 00:02:35,560
But the Eagletonians
are probably good too.
58
00:02:36,561 --> 00:02:39,606
Today, we are not
just merging two towns.
59
00:02:39,690 --> 00:02:41,733
We're throwing a birthday
party for a new city.
60
00:02:41,858 --> 00:02:43,902
Happy birthday, New Pawnee.
61
00:02:44,194 --> 00:02:45,570
[KAZOO BLOWING]
62
00:02:47,614 --> 00:02:48,865
Party's over.
63
00:02:48,949 --> 00:02:51,785
You guys lost millions
of taxpayer dollars,
64
00:02:51,868 --> 00:02:54,663
and we have to clean up
the obscene mess you've made.
65
00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:56,581
You're not as nice
as the other guy.
66
00:02:56,665 --> 00:02:58,458
I don't care.
67
00:02:58,542 --> 00:03:01,795
When we were state auditors,
we had an amazing system.
68
00:03:01,878 --> 00:03:05,465
Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up
and made them feel positive and happy.
69
00:03:05,549 --> 00:03:08,719
And I swooped in and slashed
their budgets to ribbons.
70
00:03:08,802 --> 00:03:10,470
Like a majestic alley-oop.
71
00:03:10,971 --> 00:03:13,014
"You're all amazing!"
72
00:03:13,098 --> 00:03:14,933
"You're all fired."
73
00:03:15,016 --> 00:03:16,601
Teamwork.
74
00:03:17,269 --> 00:03:21,606
Hi, you've reached the
voicemail of Larry Gengurch.
75
00:03:22,566 --> 00:03:24,526
Please leave your
message after the tone.
76
00:03:24,609 --> 00:03:26,653
Well, when Leslie called
to see if I could help,
77
00:03:26,737 --> 00:03:30,532
Gayle and I were just getting
on a cruise ship to the Bahamas.
78
00:03:30,615 --> 00:03:34,453
I said, "Gayle, put that bikini
away, because Pawnee needs me."
79
00:03:34,995 --> 00:03:37,873
Somebody forgot
a banana in here.
80
00:03:39,833 --> 00:03:40,959
Hi, I'm Donna.
81
00:03:41,042 --> 00:03:44,171
Oh, that is the perfect name
for you. I love it. Never change it!
82
00:03:44,963 --> 00:03:47,382
Wasn't gonna.
You're Craig, right?
83
00:03:48,008 --> 00:03:49,634
Yes, but I hate that name.
84
00:03:49,718 --> 00:03:51,720
It's so boring.
I sound like someone's cousin.
85
00:03:51,803 --> 00:03:53,305
Craig! Craig!
86
00:03:53,555 --> 00:03:56,155
I want to be a Spanish man named
Terrence, but that didn't happen.
87
00:03:57,100 --> 00:04:00,729
Okay.
So here's my list of duties.
88
00:04:01,146 --> 00:04:03,774
I'm basically
the office manager.
89
00:04:03,857 --> 00:04:06,651
How about you? Oh, I
did everything. Everything!
90
00:04:06,777 --> 00:04:08,546
I carried the Eagleton
department on my shoulders
91
00:04:08,570 --> 00:04:10,131
for years, and I
loved every second of it.
92
00:04:10,155 --> 00:04:11,239
You don't even know!
93
00:04:12,741 --> 00:04:14,367
I'm sorry,
was your name Jennifer?
94
00:04:14,618 --> 00:04:17,454
No, it's Tynnyfer with two Ys.
95
00:04:17,537 --> 00:04:20,540
I used to be Jennifer, but then
I decided to rebrand myself.
96
00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:24,294
Wait, hang on.
It's Xanax o'clock.
97
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:33,220
Well, nice to meet you.
My name's April,
98
00:04:33,303 --> 00:04:36,765
and I just wanted to say
that your dress is so cute
99
00:04:36,848 --> 00:04:37,891
it's bonks.
100
00:04:37,974 --> 00:04:39,601
I saw my spinning
instructor wearing it,
101
00:04:39,684 --> 00:04:41,853
and I was like, "Shut
up. Where do I get that?"
102
00:04:41,937 --> 00:04:43,855
Oh, my God. Who's
your spinning instructor?
103
00:04:43,939 --> 00:04:45,106
Gregory or Wynona?
104
00:04:45,190 --> 00:04:47,526
I go to Yonis.
Who are Gregory and Wynona?
105
00:04:47,609 --> 00:04:48,878
I've never heard of them before.
106
00:04:48,902 --> 00:04:51,571
Are they better?
Wynona rocks my world.
107
00:04:51,863 --> 00:04:53,448
Seriously,
you need to get me in there.
108
00:04:53,532 --> 00:04:55,867
Like, that's a must, must, must.
109
00:04:56,076 --> 00:04:58,328
She's the worst
person I've ever met.
110
00:04:58,411 --> 00:05:00,163
I want to travel
the world with her.
111
00:05:01,706 --> 00:05:02,791
Ron.
112
00:05:03,625 --> 00:05:04,793
Ron.
113
00:05:06,169 --> 00:05:07,254
Last name?
114
00:05:07,379 --> 00:05:08,421
Dunn.
115
00:05:09,339 --> 00:05:10,549
Is that your name,
116
00:05:10,632 --> 00:05:12,717
or are you telling me
you're finished talking?
117
00:05:13,134 --> 00:05:14,219
Both.
118
00:05:16,137 --> 00:05:18,223
Dunn and done.
[CHUCKLING]
119
00:05:18,682 --> 00:05:19,683
[CHUCKLING]
120
00:05:20,183 --> 00:05:21,643
I like Ron.
121
00:05:24,271 --> 00:05:26,273
Hi.
Well, well, well.
122
00:05:26,356 --> 00:05:27,399
You must be Eric.
123
00:05:27,482 --> 00:05:30,735
I'm Ragiv from IT.
This is ERIC.
124
00:05:31,027 --> 00:05:32,696
ERIC is a computer program?
125
00:05:32,779 --> 00:05:35,407
Stands for Eagleton
Reservation Information Center.
126
00:05:35,490 --> 00:05:37,200
It does all
the scheduling in Eagleton.
127
00:05:37,534 --> 00:05:38,660
I'm here to install it.
128
00:05:39,411 --> 00:05:41,011
But scheduling's
the main part of my job.
129
00:05:41,079 --> 00:05:43,599
You still have a human being in
charge of booking tennis courts?
130
00:05:43,665 --> 00:05:45,125
What is this, 1990?
131
00:05:45,876 --> 00:05:49,129
I guess that explains the shoulder
pads. [LAUGHING SCORNFULLY]
132
00:05:53,383 --> 00:05:54,843
How did he notice these?
133
00:05:56,052 --> 00:05:57,679
Hey, this is a surprise.
134
00:05:57,762 --> 00:06:00,015
Yeah, I just wanted
to chat for a sec.
135
00:06:00,223 --> 00:06:02,809
You know, just so you could
hear some things from me.
136
00:06:02,893 --> 00:06:06,062
Verbal things from my mouth.
Did that sound weird?
137
00:06:06,354 --> 00:06:08,398
Is everything okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.
138
00:06:08,481 --> 00:06:09,733
First of all, this is Evelyn.
139
00:06:09,816 --> 00:06:11,192
Oh, hello.
140
00:06:11,276 --> 00:06:13,737
She is my Health Department
counterpart from Eagleton.
141
00:06:14,237 --> 00:06:16,077
There really wasn't a
ton of work for me there.
142
00:06:16,114 --> 00:06:17,616
Eagletonians are very healthy.
143
00:06:17,782 --> 00:06:20,011
Oh, well, this might be a very
interesting challenge for you,
144
00:06:20,035 --> 00:06:22,037
because Pawnee has the very
first documented case
145
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,788
of mega-diabetes.
146
00:06:23,872 --> 00:06:25,624
And the only known occurrence
147
00:06:25,707 --> 00:06:27,667
of Lou Gehrig's other disease.
148
00:06:28,293 --> 00:06:29,920
We've been written
about in textbooks.
149
00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:31,772
Thanks, Evelyn, I'll see
you back in my office.
150
00:06:31,796 --> 00:06:34,841
I just need to talk some
more words into Leslie's face.
151
00:06:34,925 --> 00:06:36,051
Nice to meet you.
152
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:38,887
[CLEARING THROAT]
Wow. I feel sorry for her.
153
00:06:38,970 --> 00:06:40,722
I mean, nobody can
fill your shoes, Ann.
154
00:06:40,847 --> 00:06:42,557
With your tiny little doll feet.
155
00:06:42,641 --> 00:06:44,681
Actually, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.
156
00:06:44,726 --> 00:06:47,687
I'm gonna step down,
157
00:06:47,771 --> 00:06:50,065
and I'm gonna turn
my job over to Evelyn.
158
00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:51,149
What? No.
159
00:06:51,232 --> 00:06:52,651
Did somebody put you up to this?
160
00:06:52,734 --> 00:06:55,111
Was it Evelyn?
I knew she was a monster.
161
00:06:55,195 --> 00:06:56,237
No. No, no, no.
162
00:06:56,321 --> 00:06:57,948
Chris and I have been talking,
163
00:06:58,323 --> 00:07:01,618
and we are thinking very
seriously about leaving Pawnee
164
00:07:01,701 --> 00:07:04,955
and moving somewhere else
to start our family...
165
00:07:05,038 --> 00:07:07,791
Oh, my God, look at that.
It's waffles!
166
00:07:08,083 --> 00:07:10,085
Delicious waffles.
Wait.
167
00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:12,087
Should we try?
Yeah, let's try.
168
00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:13,380
Huh?
Mmm.
169
00:07:13,463 --> 00:07:14,923
Wait, what were you saying?
Try.
170
00:07:16,049 --> 00:07:18,635
Just enjoy. Yeah.
There we go.
171
00:07:21,304 --> 00:07:22,847
So, if I'm hearing
you correctly,
172
00:07:22,931 --> 00:07:25,201
you're telling me you're not
thinking about leaving Pawnee.
173
00:07:25,225 --> 00:07:27,018
I am thinking about leaving.
174
00:07:27,102 --> 00:07:29,521
Is this one of those
classic Ann "not" jokes?
175
00:07:29,604 --> 00:07:31,231
Like, "I'm leaving Pawnee...
Not!"
176
00:07:31,314 --> 00:07:33,483
I don't do that. I was
hoping that you had started.
177
00:07:33,566 --> 00:07:36,569
It's not definite. It's just
neither of us are from Pawnee.
178
00:07:36,653 --> 00:07:39,531
And I have a whole
family in Michigan.
179
00:07:39,614 --> 00:07:42,242
And Chris is missing
life in a bigger city.
180
00:07:42,325 --> 00:07:43,952
[GRUMBLING]
And I just wanted
181
00:07:44,035 --> 00:07:46,204
to talk to you about it
so you could hear it from me.
182
00:07:46,287 --> 00:07:47,622
[CONTINUES GRUMBLING]
183
00:07:48,123 --> 00:07:49,290
Do you hear that galloping?
184
00:07:49,374 --> 00:07:50,375
Hmm?
185
00:07:50,875 --> 00:07:52,961
Oh, my, look at that!
186
00:07:53,461 --> 00:07:56,047
Joe Biden on a horse shirtless.
187
00:07:56,131 --> 00:07:57,757
That's amazing!
188
00:07:59,050 --> 00:08:02,345
Uh. I've got a ton of work
to do. I'm super busy, so you
189
00:08:02,929 --> 00:08:04,764
can let yourself...
190
00:08:06,099 --> 00:08:08,852
LESLIE: Look, if Ann wants to
leave Pawnee, I get it.
191
00:08:09,227 --> 00:08:11,547
I mean, who wants to stay in
the greatest town in the world
192
00:08:11,604 --> 00:08:13,815
with her best friend
and be happy forever
193
00:08:13,898 --> 00:08:16,818
when she can abandon her
soul sister like an old shoe
194
00:08:16,901 --> 00:08:19,279
and move to a garbage
city full of jerks.
195
00:08:19,362 --> 00:08:22,282
I get it. No hard feelings.
196
00:08:22,699 --> 00:08:24,617
TYNNYFER: You have to text me.
APRIL: I will.
197
00:08:24,701 --> 00:08:26,119
Sorry for the delay, ladies,
198
00:08:26,202 --> 00:08:27,996
I was busy being
ambushed by treachery.
199
00:08:28,079 --> 00:08:31,458
So did you have a chance to compare
notes on your respective duties?
200
00:08:31,541 --> 00:08:32,542
Totally.
201
00:08:32,625 --> 00:08:34,419
Tynny and I have been,
like, totally bonding.
202
00:08:34,502 --> 00:08:36,796
We've just been like,
"Blah-blah-blah..."
203
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:38,465
Like, talking,
like, so much forever.
204
00:08:38,590 --> 00:08:40,633
It was all so delicious.
I know, right?
205
00:08:40,717 --> 00:08:41,902
This is, like,
the best day ever.
206
00:08:41,926 --> 00:08:43,678
I know, I'm eating it all up.
207
00:08:43,803 --> 00:08:45,563
Wow. It's nice to see
a friendship blossoming
208
00:08:45,597 --> 00:08:49,517
instead of wilting away
like a dying turd flower.
209
00:08:49,601 --> 00:08:53,271
Totes. We also came up with
these nicknames for each other.
210
00:08:53,563 --> 00:08:55,648
Slut and Skank.
211
00:08:56,691 --> 00:08:58,276
How craze-mazing is that, Lez?
212
00:08:58,359 --> 00:09:00,820
Well, you know what I think
is craze-mazing? Commitment.
213
00:09:01,112 --> 00:09:03,740
I'm looking for someone who's
in it for the long haul.
214
00:09:03,823 --> 00:09:06,284
We are basically creating
a new version of Pawnee,
215
00:09:06,367 --> 00:09:08,286
and if Pawnee is gonna commit
to one of you,
216
00:09:08,369 --> 00:09:09,704
you need to commit to Pawnee.
217
00:09:09,788 --> 00:09:10,955
Tynnyfer, do you have kids?
218
00:09:11,039 --> 00:09:12,040
Ew. No.
219
00:09:12,123 --> 00:09:14,769
I've had so much rejuvenation, I
don't think a baby could get out of there
220
00:09:14,793 --> 00:09:16,002
if it tried.
221
00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:17,754
APRIL: You know it.
222
00:09:18,129 --> 00:09:20,381
I guess we can make
a switch to Bermuda grass.
223
00:09:20,465 --> 00:09:22,217
It's only 80 cents
more per square foot?
224
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,344
What? Gimme, gimme, gimme.
225
00:09:24,803 --> 00:09:27,597
You want me to put Bermuda
grass in a continental climate
226
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:29,432
that's a six on
the Beaufort scale
227
00:09:29,516 --> 00:09:31,017
in a park with zero drainage?
228
00:09:31,101 --> 00:09:33,520
I want Kentucky bluegrass,
I want a 10% discount,
229
00:09:33,603 --> 00:09:35,939
and I want you to apologize
to my best friend Donna!
230
00:09:39,567 --> 00:09:42,153
Yeah, hi. Is there...
And I'm just guessing here.
231
00:09:42,237 --> 00:09:44,489
...some kind of
medication that you maybe
232
00:09:44,572 --> 00:09:47,700
need a lot of and have taken
none of or maybe too much of today?
233
00:09:47,784 --> 00:09:51,621
I have a medical condition all
right. It's called caring too much!
234
00:09:51,704 --> 00:09:53,414
And it's incurable!
235
00:09:54,582 --> 00:09:56,000
Also I have eczema.
236
00:09:58,128 --> 00:10:01,297
Okay, Eagleton Ron, tell me
a little about yourself.
237
00:10:01,923 --> 00:10:04,509
Well, I love the outdoors,
love nature.
238
00:10:04,634 --> 00:10:05,635
Amen.
239
00:10:05,718 --> 00:10:08,096
I'm a big believer
in environmental conservation.
240
00:10:08,179 --> 00:10:10,598
Recycling and
composting and the like.
241
00:10:10,932 --> 00:10:14,435
I'm a yoga nut.
And I'm a nut nut.
242
00:10:15,478 --> 00:10:17,021
They make delicious milks, man.
243
00:10:17,438 --> 00:10:18,648
And I'm a vegan, of course.
244
00:10:18,731 --> 00:10:21,109
Slowly working
towards full freegan-vegan.
245
00:10:21,192 --> 00:10:23,528
What in God's name
is freegan-vegan?
246
00:10:23,611 --> 00:10:25,113
You only eat vegetables
247
00:10:25,196 --> 00:10:27,076
that have been thrown out
in people's dumpsters.
248
00:10:27,407 --> 00:10:29,492
What is on your foot, sir?
249
00:10:29,576 --> 00:10:31,077
DUNN: My trusty sandals.
250
00:10:31,161 --> 00:10:34,038
I believe a man's feet
should remain uncaged.
251
00:10:34,789 --> 00:10:36,416
Same goes for all chickens.
252
00:10:36,499 --> 00:10:38,376
LESLIE: Well,
Eagleton Ron,
253
00:10:38,459 --> 00:10:42,255
we here in Pawnee value
loyalty above all else.
254
00:10:42,338 --> 00:10:44,632
So would you be
opposed to signing
255
00:10:44,799 --> 00:10:47,093
an official loyalty
pledge to our new town?
256
00:10:47,719 --> 00:10:50,263
As long as that new town
were open to the ideals
257
00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:54,184
of communal living, everyone
pitches in towards a common good.
258
00:10:54,434 --> 00:10:56,352
In the immortal
words of Cat Stevens,
259
00:10:56,436 --> 00:10:59,230
"If you want to
be free, be free."
260
00:11:00,356 --> 00:11:02,400
I no longer like Ron.
261
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:04,485
ERIC is an amazing program.
262
00:11:04,569 --> 00:11:06,696
Fast, fun and easy to use.
263
00:11:06,779 --> 00:11:09,324
But there's one
thing no man or machine
264
00:11:09,407 --> 00:11:11,201
can beat Tom Haverford at...
265
00:11:11,284 --> 00:11:13,620
Talking mad trash
till I get what I want.
266
00:11:14,537 --> 00:11:16,331
This guy Eric is a disaster.
267
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,124
What do you mean?
Just a bad attitude.
268
00:11:18,208 --> 00:11:20,084
"Oh, I hate this place.
Get me outta here."
269
00:11:20,168 --> 00:11:22,545
That kind of thing.
And unreliable.
270
00:11:22,629 --> 00:11:23,963
And racist.
271
00:11:24,130 --> 00:11:25,632
I think he may have
even been to jail.
272
00:11:25,882 --> 00:11:28,551
Although, you know, maybe
those are just regular face tattoos.
273
00:11:28,843 --> 00:11:31,012
Wow. That's not good.
274
00:11:31,095 --> 00:11:32,388
I should probably talk to him.
275
00:11:32,472 --> 00:11:33,949
Well, let me see if I
can turn him around.
276
00:11:33,973 --> 00:11:35,409
I don't want to put
this on your plate.
277
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:36,553
You have a lot to deal with.
278
00:11:36,768 --> 00:11:38,895
Thanks, Tom. You're the best.
279
00:11:41,522 --> 00:11:43,566
Okay, let's take a look
at this list of assets
280
00:11:43,650 --> 00:11:44,984
owned by
the Eagleton government.
281
00:11:45,068 --> 00:11:47,195
400 Segway scooters.
282
00:11:47,403 --> 00:11:48,571
Sell 'em. They're gone.
283
00:11:48,655 --> 00:11:50,949
You had six full-time
baristas on the payroll.
284
00:11:51,032 --> 00:11:52,617
The baristas are gone.
285
00:11:53,034 --> 00:11:55,119
As are the masseurs.
286
00:11:55,203 --> 00:11:56,746
And the full-time barista
287
00:11:56,829 --> 00:11:59,165
who provided
coffee for the masseurs.
288
00:11:59,499 --> 00:12:02,293
It is excellent having the
old band back together again.
289
00:12:02,794 --> 00:12:03,795
You know what?
290
00:12:04,504 --> 00:12:06,381
This calls for some
celebratory lunges.
291
00:12:07,090 --> 00:12:09,926
One, two...
292
00:12:10,343 --> 00:12:12,529
All right, Donna. There's
gonna have to be some cutbacks.
293
00:12:12,553 --> 00:12:14,222
I mean, your job is secure,
of course.
294
00:12:14,305 --> 00:12:16,224
You're basically
the glue of this department.
295
00:12:16,307 --> 00:12:18,226
But I think
Craig's gonna have to go.
296
00:12:18,518 --> 00:12:20,144
No, you should keep him.
297
00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:22,522
He's crazy intense,
but I've never met anyone
298
00:12:22,605 --> 00:12:23,898
who cares more about this job.
299
00:12:24,565 --> 00:12:26,276
Donna, I'm right here.
300
00:12:26,359 --> 00:12:28,194
No joke.
He might care more than you.
301
00:12:28,278 --> 00:12:30,158
Honestly, if I had to choose
between him and me,
302
00:12:30,363 --> 00:12:31,840
I'd choose him.
Wait, what are you saying?
303
00:12:31,864 --> 00:12:32,925
Are you thinking about leaving?
304
00:12:32,949 --> 00:12:34,260
I wasn't planning
on it, but I could.
305
00:12:34,284 --> 00:12:37,328
You know, I got the condo in
Seattle, the fiancé in Denver.
306
00:12:37,412 --> 00:12:39,247
Huh?
It won't last.
307
00:12:39,330 --> 00:12:41,708
Leslie, I would be happy
to go back into retirement
308
00:12:41,791 --> 00:12:42,951
if you have to cut the staff.
309
00:12:43,001 --> 00:12:44,669
What? Even Larry wants out?
310
00:12:44,752 --> 00:12:45,938
What the hell is happening here?
311
00:12:45,962 --> 00:12:48,756
Does everybody think that
running a town is just some game
312
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,092
where people can come
and go as they please?
313
00:12:51,175 --> 00:12:53,303
Okey-dokey, Leslie.
You're mad at me.
314
00:12:53,386 --> 00:12:54,780
Don't take it out
on everybody else.
315
00:12:54,804 --> 00:12:56,764
It's not fair.
I'll tell you what's not fair.
316
00:12:56,848 --> 00:13:00,184
I'm gonna have to watch the
Oscars with Ben alone this year.
317
00:13:00,268 --> 00:13:04,105
Last year, don't you remember
Angelina Jolie and the leg dress moment?
318
00:13:04,188 --> 00:13:07,317
He had,
and I quote, "No comment."
319
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,837
How can you not have an extreme
reaction about a dress like that?
320
00:13:09,861 --> 00:13:11,005
It just doesn't make any sense!
321
00:13:11,029 --> 00:13:13,114
Okay, we need to talk.
I'm sorry, Ann.
322
00:13:13,197 --> 00:13:14,198
I can't understand you.
323
00:13:14,282 --> 00:13:16,951
You've developed some accent
from that new town you might move to!
324
00:13:18,244 --> 00:13:19,620
It seems like no one around here
325
00:13:19,746 --> 00:13:21,122
understands
the meaning of loyalty.
326
00:13:21,205 --> 00:13:23,291
I am the merger czar.
I make the rules.
327
00:13:23,374 --> 00:13:25,294
And I'm gonna teach people
the meaning of loyalty
328
00:13:25,335 --> 00:13:27,754
in a language they will
understand, complicated legalese.
329
00:13:28,963 --> 00:13:31,299
Knope, what are these contracts?
330
00:13:31,382 --> 00:13:33,176
It's just a little
something that I drew up
331
00:13:33,259 --> 00:13:34,739
for all the employees
of the new town.
332
00:13:34,802 --> 00:13:36,429
Basic boilerplate language,
333
00:13:36,512 --> 00:13:37,952
50-year commitment,
blah-blah-blah...
334
00:13:38,014 --> 00:13:39,807
I'm so sorry,
honey, but Tynny and I
335
00:13:39,891 --> 00:13:42,435
won't sign anything until we
speak with our life coach.
336
00:13:42,769 --> 00:13:45,229
When Eric saw this, he
smashed a bunch of computers.
337
00:13:45,396 --> 00:13:46,439
Why are you doing this?
338
00:13:46,564 --> 00:13:47,648
What's the big deal?
339
00:13:47,732 --> 00:13:51,235
I'm just trying to stop time with
legally-binding friendship contracts.
340
00:13:51,361 --> 00:13:52,921
What part of that do
you not understand?
341
00:13:52,987 --> 00:13:54,489
You have lost your mind.
342
00:13:55,990 --> 00:13:57,575
I think you need a spa day, Lez.
343
00:13:57,658 --> 00:13:59,827
Fine! You only have to
work here until I'm dead!
344
00:13:59,911 --> 00:14:01,287
Is that better?
345
00:14:04,415 --> 00:14:07,835
What in the name of all
that is holy is that smell?
346
00:14:08,211 --> 00:14:09,796
Yerba mate tea
347
00:14:10,421 --> 00:14:11,881
sweetened with stevia.
348
00:14:11,964 --> 00:14:13,758
It's an all-natural
plant extract.
349
00:14:14,008 --> 00:14:15,802
Shut your damn mouth.
350
00:14:16,260 --> 00:14:18,638
No need to curse.
There most certainly is.
351
00:14:18,721 --> 00:14:22,058
Okay, all Eagleton people
meet me in the conference room.
352
00:14:22,141 --> 00:14:24,936
All Pawnee people,
sit at your desks.
353
00:14:25,019 --> 00:14:26,270
And take it personally.
354
00:14:27,647 --> 00:14:29,500
I kind of feel like we
got off on the wrong foot,
355
00:14:29,524 --> 00:14:34,195
so I made unity cookies with
the Pawnee town's original colors
356
00:14:34,278 --> 00:14:35,279
of blue and yellow.
357
00:14:35,363 --> 00:14:37,923
However, I did not have yellow
frosting, so I had to use mustard.
358
00:14:38,408 --> 00:14:39,409
But do not worry.
359
00:14:39,492 --> 00:14:42,662
I put tons of sugar on them, so
it will even it out. [CHUCKLING]
360
00:14:43,037 --> 00:14:44,038
Mmm!
361
00:14:44,664 --> 00:14:45,998
Sugar mustard.
362
00:14:46,165 --> 00:14:47,750
That's awful
kind of you, Leslie,
363
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,044
but I'm afraid those are
a little too sweet for me.
364
00:14:50,128 --> 00:14:53,131
I unhooked from that big
sugar train over 30 years ago.
365
00:14:53,589 --> 00:14:56,259
You are a man of principle
and I respect that, cool Ron.
366
00:14:56,467 --> 00:14:59,095
So, what's your story, new
Ann? You're kind of pretty.
367
00:14:59,178 --> 00:15:01,298
I mean, you're not Ann pretty,
but you have potential.
368
00:15:01,931 --> 00:15:03,742
Thank you, but I don't
work in this department.
369
00:15:03,766 --> 00:15:06,227
Shut your kind of pretty mouth
and eat a mustard cookie.
370
00:15:06,310 --> 00:15:08,813
Okay, so let's chit-chat.
371
00:15:08,896 --> 00:15:11,732
Let's get to know each other and
then become familiar best friends.
372
00:15:11,899 --> 00:15:12,984
I don't have time for this.
373
00:15:13,067 --> 00:15:14,711
I'm halfway through
designing a bamboo gazebo
374
00:15:14,735 --> 00:15:16,654
as a tribute to
the founders of Motown.
375
00:15:16,904 --> 00:15:18,156
That's so Craig.
376
00:15:18,656 --> 00:15:20,283
Oh, Craig!
We have fun, don't we?
377
00:15:20,366 --> 00:15:22,006
Do you guys remember
when this all started
378
00:15:22,118 --> 00:15:23,744
and I came in here
with the cookies,
379
00:15:23,828 --> 00:15:25,496
and then Craig said
something so Craig
380
00:15:25,580 --> 00:15:27,748
and we all laughed,
and we were like, "Craig!"
381
00:15:28,332 --> 00:15:30,835
Do you think it would be weird
if we held hands?
382
00:15:31,252 --> 00:15:32,712
Probably.
This way, please.
383
00:15:32,795 --> 00:15:35,173
Excuse me, Ron, I am
talking to my best friends.
384
00:15:35,256 --> 00:15:37,133
Let me go!
Best friends, attack Ron!
385
00:15:38,843 --> 00:15:41,095
Ben, it has been an honor
watching you work today.
386
00:15:41,179 --> 00:15:43,347
It's been like
watching Leonardo work.
387
00:15:43,431 --> 00:15:45,683
Da Vinci or DiCaprio.
You're that good.
388
00:15:45,766 --> 00:15:49,228
Thanks, man.
I was in the zone today.
389
00:15:49,854 --> 00:15:51,439
This really has
been a lot of fun.
390
00:15:51,522 --> 00:15:52,940
The old juice is back!
391
00:15:53,274 --> 00:15:54,525
Hey, should we keep this going?
392
00:15:54,609 --> 00:15:56,569
Celebratory dinner,
just like the old days?
393
00:15:56,652 --> 00:15:58,779
Ben, that's a great idea.
Hey, you know what?
394
00:15:58,863 --> 00:16:01,449
I know who I'm gonna use
to calculate tax and tip.
395
00:16:02,241 --> 00:16:03,242
Me?
396
00:16:04,869 --> 00:16:08,164
Can I just say something? I'm
having so much fun right now.
397
00:16:08,247 --> 00:16:10,666
Oh, my God, me too.
Like, so much fun.
398
00:16:10,833 --> 00:16:12,168
Can I just say something,
though?
399
00:16:12,251 --> 00:16:13,252
Yeah.
Okay.
400
00:16:13,336 --> 00:16:14,545
You don't want this job.
401
00:16:14,795 --> 00:16:17,048
Seriously,
this place is the pits.
402
00:16:17,131 --> 00:16:19,383
It's like, if you worked here,
you'd be like, "Ugh!"
403
00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:21,552
And Leslie would be like,
"Blah-blah-blah."
404
00:16:21,636 --> 00:16:22,929
And you'd be like, "Uh..."
405
00:16:23,012 --> 00:16:24,222
Okay, can I say something?
406
00:16:24,305 --> 00:16:26,390
Right now, I totally
think that you're right,
407
00:16:26,474 --> 00:16:28,768
and I had been thinking about
going someplace warm
408
00:16:28,851 --> 00:16:30,311
while my husband is in jail.
409
00:16:30,394 --> 00:16:32,772
Oh, my God!
Can I just say something?
410
00:16:32,855 --> 00:16:33,898
Yes!
Okay.
411
00:16:34,023 --> 00:16:35,983
You should totally stay
in my house in Miami.
412
00:16:36,067 --> 00:16:37,527
What?
I'm serious.
413
00:16:37,610 --> 00:16:40,613
Come by anytime.
Just let yourself in.
414
00:16:40,696 --> 00:16:43,991
The gate kind of jams
sometimes, but you can just jump it.
415
00:16:44,242 --> 00:16:46,118
You are so amazing right now.
416
00:16:46,202 --> 00:16:48,329
You're like
skinny Mother Teresa.
417
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:51,707
It's Dwyane Wade's house.
418
00:16:51,791 --> 00:16:53,209
I got his address
off the Internet.
419
00:16:54,001 --> 00:16:55,641
I really hope he's
there when she walks in
420
00:16:55,753 --> 00:16:57,296
and he throws
a basketball at her head.
421
00:16:58,422 --> 00:17:00,132
Okay, enough is enough.
422
00:17:00,216 --> 00:17:01,401
What is wrong with you, woman?
423
00:17:01,425 --> 00:17:02,969
I don't need to
explain myself to you!
424
00:17:03,052 --> 00:17:05,513
I am the czar.
I can do as I please.
425
00:17:05,596 --> 00:17:08,224
Those who cross the czar
feel the wrath of the czar!
426
00:17:11,060 --> 00:17:13,646
Ann is thinking
about leaving Pawnee.
427
00:17:13,729 --> 00:17:15,606
Moving, with Chris.
428
00:17:15,982 --> 00:17:17,316
Well, that's nice.
429
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,819
Nice, Ron?
Edible arrangements are nice.
430
00:17:19,902 --> 00:17:22,405
This is
volcanically hot betrayal!
431
00:17:22,488 --> 00:17:25,283
She is my best friend! She's
thinking about leaving, just like that!
432
00:17:25,366 --> 00:17:27,118
And she wants to
talk to me about it?
433
00:17:27,201 --> 00:17:29,161
It's like, I don't
even know what to say.
434
00:17:29,495 --> 00:17:32,331
That you love her and you
understand that it's her life,
435
00:17:32,415 --> 00:17:34,750
and geography will never
change your feelings.
436
00:17:34,834 --> 00:17:36,252
Whatever.
I don't even need her.
437
00:17:36,335 --> 00:17:38,087
I've got Tynnyfer now and Craig
438
00:17:38,170 --> 00:17:40,798
and Eric, the racist drug
dealer who I've yet to meet.
439
00:17:40,923 --> 00:17:42,174
Those are my real friends.
440
00:17:42,258 --> 00:17:45,303
You can't force friendship,
Leslie. It takes time.
441
00:17:46,596 --> 00:17:48,097
I once thought I had a friend.
442
00:17:48,598 --> 00:17:52,226
Then it turned out he was the
single worst person I have ever met.
443
00:17:52,310 --> 00:17:53,936
I agree with Ron, Leslie.
444
00:17:55,896 --> 00:17:58,149
It's like Moz once said.
445
00:17:58,441 --> 00:18:00,151
"Hold on to your friends."
446
00:18:01,152 --> 00:18:03,779
Morrissey. The Smiths.
447
00:18:03,863 --> 00:18:05,239
You don't know Meat Is Murder?
448
00:18:05,656 --> 00:18:07,175
It's one of
the best songs ever written
449
00:18:07,199 --> 00:18:08,679
about industrialized
beef consumption.
450
00:18:09,076 --> 00:18:11,954
Okay, Eagleton Ron. I think
it might be time for you to go.
451
00:18:12,121 --> 00:18:15,166
This Ron has the position
pretty much locked up,
452
00:18:15,249 --> 00:18:19,253
and I don't think we have any
room for you in our department.
453
00:18:19,337 --> 00:18:20,338
Fair enough.
454
00:18:20,421 --> 00:18:21,672
I should have seen it.
455
00:18:22,798 --> 00:18:25,635
Taurus and Capricorns
never mix, do they?
456
00:18:26,886 --> 00:18:32,016
Just remember, Ron. Giving in
to hate is like drinking saltwater.
457
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:35,311
The thirst only grows worse.
458
00:18:35,686 --> 00:18:39,440
Leslie, remove this man before I
commit an act of violence against him.
459
00:18:39,899 --> 00:18:42,777
Whatever you do,
I won't fight back.
460
00:18:47,198 --> 00:18:50,368
After I defeated him in an
epic struggle, ERIC is gone.
461
00:18:50,451 --> 00:18:52,995
He's been replaced by T.O.M.,
462
00:18:53,079 --> 00:18:55,122
Townwide Organizational Matrix.
463
00:18:56,832 --> 00:18:58,376
Big plans tonight, Craig?
464
00:18:58,459 --> 00:19:00,211
No, I have a ton of work to do.
465
00:19:00,294 --> 00:19:03,589
Plus, my DVR is 13 months
pregnant with episodes of Scandal.
466
00:19:03,673 --> 00:19:05,174
Scandal's my favorite show.
467
00:19:05,549 --> 00:19:06,985
I love every character,
except for...
468
00:19:07,009 --> 00:19:08,302
BOTH: Mellie.
469
00:19:09,261 --> 00:19:11,097
Of course you like Scandal!
470
00:19:11,180 --> 00:19:13,849
Because you're amazing!
I love you.
471
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,935
And no matter what
happens with this job,
472
00:19:16,018 --> 00:19:17,228
I will always love you.
473
00:19:17,728 --> 00:19:20,690
Excuse me! Who even are you?
474
00:19:21,982 --> 00:19:23,150
BEN: How's your salad?
475
00:19:23,234 --> 00:19:24,819
Well, it's called
the Good Earth Salad,
476
00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:30,032
but really, it's just cheese,
toffee, and gummy bear worms.
477
00:19:30,449 --> 00:19:31,742
This town is really unhealthy.
478
00:19:31,826 --> 00:19:35,413
You know, I forgot that this
part of being Accounting Bros
479
00:19:35,496 --> 00:19:36,831
was actually pretty depressing.
480
00:19:37,206 --> 00:19:40,209
I mean, after the intense,
almost meth-like high
481
00:19:40,292 --> 00:19:41,711
of solving accounting puzzles,
482
00:19:42,253 --> 00:19:44,714
we were always just beat
at the end of the day.
483
00:19:44,964 --> 00:19:46,882
I actually think
it's something else.
484
00:19:47,007 --> 00:19:48,884
Back in the day,
this was all we had.
485
00:19:48,968 --> 00:19:51,220
We'd go into a town,
we'd fix problems.
486
00:19:51,554 --> 00:19:53,556
We'd go back to
some rundown motel.
487
00:19:53,681 --> 00:19:56,350
Yeah, you'd exercise.
I'd re-watch Twin Peaks,
488
00:19:56,767 --> 00:19:58,269
then hit the Twin Peaks
message boards
489
00:19:58,352 --> 00:19:59,979
and read The Secret
Diary of Laura Palmer
490
00:20:00,104 --> 00:20:01,689
to find Easter eggs I'd missed.
491
00:20:01,772 --> 00:20:04,150
But now, Ann and Leslie
are our real partners.
492
00:20:04,233 --> 00:20:06,068
Yeah. It's a good thing.
493
00:20:06,777 --> 00:20:08,988
But you were a fine surrogate
before we found them.
494
00:20:10,698 --> 00:20:13,367
Just so you know,
we're thinking of moving.
495
00:20:13,826 --> 00:20:17,413
Don't know where yet. Maybe
Michigan, to be with Ann's family.
496
00:20:17,496 --> 00:20:20,249
Wow.
That makes me kind of sad.
497
00:20:20,750 --> 00:20:25,379
But also incredibly
happy for you and Ann.
498
00:20:25,921 --> 00:20:27,715
We have come a long way.
499
00:20:29,008 --> 00:20:31,886
Something healthy!
A cherry tomato.
500
00:20:31,969 --> 00:20:34,513
Nope. A gumball.
501
00:20:34,805 --> 00:20:35,806
Ew.
502
00:20:36,891 --> 00:20:39,727
What I really want
to say is I'm sorry.
503
00:20:40,728 --> 00:20:44,523
You're my best friend. This whole
thing is just scary and confusing.
504
00:20:44,607 --> 00:20:45,733
I love you.
505
00:20:45,816 --> 00:20:48,861
I want to talk about this, all
of this, whatever it means.
506
00:20:50,821 --> 00:20:51,989
Was that okay?
507
00:20:52,490 --> 00:20:56,076
I guess it's good. Again,
I barely know you or Ann,
508
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,078
so I don't have
much to go off of.
509
00:20:58,162 --> 00:20:59,914
Well...
Hey, Leslie.
510
00:20:59,997 --> 00:21:02,750
Hey. You are excused,
fake Ann.
511
00:21:03,042 --> 00:21:04,919
That was six hours well spent.
I thank you.
512
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:07,397
Looks like you've
made all your decisions.
513
00:21:07,421 --> 00:21:08,798
Well, almost.
514
00:21:09,298 --> 00:21:10,776
What were you
talking to Evelyn about?
515
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,093
Nothing. It's not important.
516
00:21:13,385 --> 00:21:14,929
The only thing
that's important is you.
517
00:21:15,221 --> 00:21:16,639
I'm ready to talk about this.
518
00:21:16,722 --> 00:21:18,432
I want to talk about this.
519
00:21:19,058 --> 00:21:20,559
Is now a good time?
520
00:21:23,229 --> 00:21:25,147
Yes. Now is a great time.
521
00:21:25,171 --> 00:21:27,171
http://hiqve.com/