Business at Rent A Swag
could not be better.
Yesterday, Jaden Smith
came in, and he was like...
"Look. I want to quit
the music/acting business
and work here with you."
And I was like,
"Jaden, be serious.
The world needs you.
You have a gift."
Ever since my client
opened his store
across the street,
your sales have plummeted.
It's only a matter of time
before you're out of business.
But my client has had
a moment of weakness...
Something he referred
to as "sympathy."
He's made you a final offer.
$40,000 for Rent A Swag
and all of its contents.
I suggest you take it.
Well, I've heard all
the facts and it's pretty
obvious what I have to do.
Get a big old mug
of hot chocolate,
put on my thinking PJs,
and get back to you.
The offer's valid
for 48 hours.
We would also be
interested in acquiring
your thinking PJs.
Listen to me very carefully.
No matter what happens,
you will never
acquire my thinking PJs
or my YouTube blazer.
Non-negotiable.
Sorry.
Larry, everyone else
was able to make it
to the committee
meeting on time.
What's your excuse?
I was voting for you
in the recall election.
Lots of people wearing
Leslie Knope buttons.
La-la-la...
No discussion about
the recall election until
the polls close at 8:00.
Let's focus on
what we can control.
In 24 hours, we are going
to transform City Hall
into the best haunted house
Pawnee has ever seen.
There's been a mistake.
This says that I'm in charge
of the "Silly Skeleton Room."
When, really,
it should say the
"Undead Serial Killer Room."
Who do I talk to
about changing this?
It's Recall Day.
I've made my case.
And the latest polls
have it as a dead heat.
So, there's nothing
left to do but wait.
But I'm fine. I mean,
I've got stuff to do.
I'm planning a haunted house.
Plus... Um...
It's Kevin Pollak's birthday.
That's something
to focus on today.
Who cares about
the recall?
It's Kevin's day.
I don't know what to do.
I could take the offer
and break even,
but I've come so far.
Ron. Can you put some more
tiny marshmallows
in my hot "chocky"?
Thank you.
If there was something
I could do for you, I would.
Maybe you should try
taking a walk.
Out of my office.
Ron! You're in bloosh!
What? Ron's in bloosh?
Ron is in bloosh.
What is bloosh?
bloosh is a weekly
lifestyle e-mail
written by Annabel Porter.
She used to be the face
of the Eagleton phone book.
Then, she moved to
Hollywood to pursue
her dream of becoming
friends with a bunch
of celebrities.
Then, she moved back
to become a lifestyle guru.
She's legit. She spent four
months living in Kate
Bosworth's pool house.
"A Ron Swanson designed
chair is the must-have
item of the season,
"along with red quinoa,
wind therapy,
and buying an island."
Annabel says that
buying an island
is the only real way
to know that your
goji berry farm
is pesticide free.
I've been trying
to get Rent A Swag
in bloosh for months.
And now that you got in,
I can get in, too.
Congratulations, Ron.
We did it.
Someone's getting
a new leather jacket.
I don't want
a leather jacket.
It's for me.
This is a great day!
Ron's in bloosh!
What?
Ron's in bloosh!
Do it!
Ron's in bloosh!
April, you seem depressed.
And I would know.
I spent most of last year
being treated by
Dr. Richard Nygard
for my own
emotional problems.
Yeah, I just miss Andy.
Halloween was, like,
kind of our thing.
Every year, we would
dress up like demons
and egg Larry's house.
That was you?
Larry, please.
We're having
a private conversation.
Well, I'd like to make
Halloween fun for you.
Like Andy would have.
Starting right now.
With scary,
scary monster claws!
Okay, people,
the grand opening
is in 20 hours.
Larry, you had
the easiest job.
Two triangles and a tooth.
Nobody wants
Gengurch-family-themed
jack-o-lanterns.
Gail likes them.
Is any of this even good?
Why didn't we call it
City Halloween?
Okay. We need to
change every single banner.
Leslie's been holding it
together pretty well.
But today is when
she needs us the most.
That's why we formed
the Leslie Knope
Emotional Support Task Force.
Anything she could
possibly need to get her
through these final hours,
we've got it covered.
Mmm-hmm.
Back rubs. YouTube videos
of turtles and birds
becoming friends.
A poster announcing
the new Lilith Fair concert.
It's fake,
but it will buy us an hour.
We even have a secret
hand signal in case
we think she needs help.
It's loosely based on
the Klingon greeting salute.
I just learned that.
And if I had known,
I would not have agreed to it.
Uh... Hey, Leslie?
How about, instead of
slightly changing
a lot of banners,
we paint our toenails
to look like pumpkins?
Fun! Ann, you're a genius.
Your brain is almost
as perfect as your face.
Oh.
Hey, Ron, baby.
What are the hot deets
on bloosh?
Start over
and speak differently.
Sorry. Did you
call that PR guy?
What's the latest news?
Apparently,
Joan Callamezzo
wants me to go on Pawnee Today
to discuss my chairs
with this Porter woman.
I said no.
Ron, you said if there
were something you could do
to help me, you would.
Getting into bloosh
is my last chance
to save my store.
You have to go and take me
so I can meet her. Please?
Fine. If it's that important
to your company,
I'll do it.
Yes!
Nice.
Now, I know high-end,
Internet-only
lifestyle magazine
really isn't your scene.
So, Donna and I wrote up
some cocktail banter
and some conversation
snippets for you to
practice so you can fit in.
"Annabel, could I be
more jels of your
low-lights right now?
"I mean, oh-M-squee,
talk about bangs envy."
You got a long way
to go, Swanson.
Let's go again, from the top.
I regret everything.
Babe, you made it.
It's 8:00.
Thank God. Okay, everyone,
great work as always.
I'm going to stay here
and just kind of wait
for the results to pour in.
Thank you.
I'll see you all tomorrow.
We're not going anywhere.
We're staying with you.
No, really, it's going to be
hours before they call it.
We're not leaving, woman.
Stop trying to get rid of us.
Yeah, I made frappuccinos
for a little caffeine boost.
And Larry went to get
pizzas for everyone.
Oh. That's very sweet,
you guys. Thank you.
All right, let's hunker down.
It's going to be
a long night.
Too close to call.
A real nail-biter.
Anybody's game.
These are three phrases
you won't hear tonight,
as Leslie Knope
has been voted out of office.
What was expected
to be a close race...
What did he say?
...has actually been
a not-close race.
Pawnee voters have
decisively removed
Leslie Knope...
Honey, I'm so sorry.
I gotta the pizza.
Pizza time.
It's a pizza time.
Larry? Everyone
is miserable and you are
only making it worse.
Okay. Leslie's
on her way in.
Is she okay? I left her,
like, 30 voicemails,
and her outgoing message
is just her sobbing
and burping
and crazy laughing.
Yeah, you know what?
She's actually
handling it pretty well.
Sup, fartwads?
Are you eating
a Paunch Burger?
Well, you know what?
If you can't beat them,
join them.
I mean, I've been
boycotting them ever since
Pinewood and her goons
started this whole
recall business.
But who cares now, right?
What does it matter?
Nothing matters anymore.
Mmm. Oh, my God.
This is good.
This is really good.
Why did I ever fight this?
Have you thought about
a concession speech?
Oh. Concession speech?
Yeah. I wrote one.
"Eat my shorts, jabronies.
Knope out."
I thought it best to revisit
the concession speech
at a later time.
But we should focus
on the haunted house.
And you know
what I think it needs,
actually, is a papier-mâché
Li'l Sebastian!
What?
Oh!
Hmm.
I'm going to go
fall asleep on a bench.
I can honestly say
today's guest is the only
person in this town
who's a bigger deal
than I am.
Please welcome lifestyle guru,
Annabel Porter.
Hello, hello.
It's me. I'm here.
Yes, you are.
Hi.
Can I just say,
as a journalist,
I feel like
we're best friends.
Tell the audience
about yourself.
Well, I'm just a simple
former phonebook model
who found her calling.
You know, I'm not perfect.
Oh.
The average woman worries
about what she looks like
in a bathing suit.
So does my nanny. So...
Mmm.
I get it.
Annabel.
What trends are,
pardon the pun,
but, trending?
First of all,
Mozambique cashmere
is the new cast iron stove.
Of course.
I have found some
amazing new
conflict-free paella recipes.
Mmm.
And luckily, my favorite
fishmonger now makes
house calls.
Well, thank God.
Finally.
But my fave new item
is a deliciously bold chair
by local artist Ron Swanson.
Mmm.
Ron Swanson is here.
He will be joining us
after the break.
So, stick around.
Did that woman
call my chair "delicious"?
Whoo. Happy Halloween.
Caterpillar. Thank you.
Hey, guys. Come on in.
Welcome
to the den of horrors.
Where's all the scary stuff?
The scary stuff
is invisible, Leah.
Broken dreams,
disappointment, achieving
your greatest goal,
having it all fall apart
and knowing that you'll
never climb any higher.
Can we have some candy?
I'm going to give you
something sweeter
than candy, Ryan.
The truth. It's very possible
that some of you
have already peaked.
It's all downhill
from here, turkeys.
Okay. Let's say goodbye
to Ms. Knope, kids.
It is Ms. Knope. It's not
City Councilwoman Knope.
Because that chapter
of my life is already over.
Just remember, kids,
nothing gold can stay.
Okay.
Oh, my goodness.
We are back with
America's greatest leader,
Annabel Porter,
and her new favorite artisan,
local woodworker,
Ron Swanson.
Hello.
I discovered Ron's chairs
a few months ago.
And what I absolutely love
about a Swanson is you can
really use it for anything.
Yes. Mostly,
you use it for sitting.
Make it a rustic
accent piece
in your solarium.
Even better, use it
as a focal point
in your yoga tent.
Put it by a table
and eat a meal.
We don't do meals in my home.
No. Every two hours,
we eat what I like
to call a "food tease."
Like an oat wedge
or a seaweed lozenge.
Can I just say,
and I think this
is really important,
so I need everyone to shut up.
I love your hair.
Oh.
Thank you. It's genetic
and unattainable.
I am scaring you!
I could see you.
There's, like,
a million mirrors
in front of me.
And you're never
going to make me
not miss Andy. Okay?
What about this?
I'm Burt Macklin,
friendly lifeguard.
Burt Macklin
is not a lifeguard.
He's an FBI agent.
Really? That's even harder
to believe.
Just stop. Okay?
Your lame attempts
at trying to cheer me up
are not working.
Now, I'm sad that I miss Andy
and sad that I can't make
fun of you to Andy.
I understand. I'm sorry.
I've failed you,
both as a scary monster
and a friend.
Hey, I am really sorry.
I know you must feel awful.
I don't feel awful. You know?
Actually, I feel like
I can finally relax.
Accepting that you've peaked
is very freeing.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
I was impeached when
I was 18 and it was brutal.
But you just have to keep
climbing back up that hill.
Or do you? Maybe instead
of working super hard
to rebuild your life,
you just said, "I peaked.
Wow! What a great run.
"And now, I'm going
to spend the rest
of my life really chill."
Well, sure. I mean,
part of that sounds
very appealing.
Yeah.
But, no. See, it was
important for me...
See, I took a job
in city budget
crisis management.
And now, I work
for a candy charity.
Oh, God. Did I peak
when I was 18?
There it is. Drink up.
Whoo!
Shots.
B13 shots.
Bird bath salts. What?
Champagne decanters!
This is heaven.
I love your chair.
I need 12 for my
stepdaughter's craft room.
Well, I make two a year.
So, maybe in six years.
Can you put me
on the wait list?
Me, too.
Unless your chair
was ever touched by
someone who ate refined sugar.
Then, I can't buy
any of your chairs and I
protest this entire event.
Okay, Ron.
Annabel's coming over.
When you talk me up,
be sure to mention
that you really admire
how I take big risks
with men's neck accessories.
There he is. Hello, hello.
Thank you for your kind words
about my chairs, Ms. Porter.
No, thank us. You are
about to make a ton of money.
I want to license
your designs. We are going
to put Swanson chairs
in every six-bedroom
home in the Midwest.
If my chairs were
mass-produced,
they wouldn't be
Swanson chairs.
Swanson chairs are handmade.
Yes. And now, they will be
made by thousands
of tiny Chinese hands.
Oh. Ms. Porter, this is
my very good friend,
Tom Haverford.
He's a big fan of your...
Whatever you call
what you do.
Please speak to each other
while I leave.
Oh. No, I am not done
with you, you wicked
little so-and-so.
Terrific.
You know what? I had my time.
You know? I did my thing.
I wanted to be
a City Councilor.
And I did. And I was.
And I was like... Whoo!
And then, people were like...
At least we have each other.
I love you so much.
I love you, too.
This is real.
I know.
You're my husband.
You're my wife.
You married me
in front of people.
I did. I was there.
We may have peaked.
But it doesn't matter.
We need to do something big.
You know?
Something that really
lets people know
that we're going
to love each other forever.
Yeah! What is it?
I got it.
Hello, sir. We're sober.
We would like to get
tattoos on our bodies
because we love each other.
Tattoos?
This is a pawn shop.
But yeah, sure,
I can do that.
Oh!
Yes! It's gonna happen!
Look what he's doing!
He's breaking pens!
This is the idea
of the century.
Right here.
Ow.
Come here.
My store is called
Rent A Swag.
It's a clothing
rental service for teens.
It's an interesting idea.
Are you guys doing well?
We're doing amazing.
And it would be
perfect for bloosh.
Why don't you take out
whatever you wrote
about my chairs
and put something in about
Rent A Swag instead?
This month's trends
are final. I can't just
throw a trend out.
But my bloosh scouts
have started trend-tracking
for the February zine blast.
Good God, these words.
I'll have them stop
by your store.
That will be too late.
We'll be out
of business by then.
I thought you said
you were doing well.
Ronnie. One last time,
have you reconsidered
mass production?
I can sell your chairs
on my site.
No, thank you, ma'am.
I'm not interested in letting
someone else sell my work.
Well, that's too bad.
This party is over.
It no longer is. It was.
It was? That was my last shot.
Sorry, Tommy.
Let's just grab some of that
lychee body oil and bounce.
Can you grab me some of those
pomegranate face masks, too?
For sure.
Can I ask you a question?
Are we the cutest couple
you've ever seen?
Nope. Okay. You want the long
needle or the short needle?
Doesn't matter.
Can't find the short needle.'
Long needle it is.
I have a big idea.
I want a portrait
of Eleanor Roosevelt
tastefully done.
And then, she has
a very classy tattoo
of Pat Benatar on her arm
and that's very subtle.
Hmm.
No. Scratch that.
Scratch all that.
Just write "Ben."
Do you have anything
to numb the pain?
Sure, take a scoop
out of the pill bucket.
Okay. You said you wanted
"Mouth Queen"?
No. Stop. Stop it.
Stop everything
that you're doing. Stop it.
Ann's here!
Ann wants a tattoo!
Ann!
No. No. No. Shh!
Ann does not want a tattoo.
No one wants a tattoo.
Ann. Relax.
Be respitable for a second.
Okay? What we are
doing is not nuts.
We are merely
getting tattoos so that
everybody knows
we love each other
and that we haven't peaked.
It makes a lot of sense.
Okay, we're leaving.
All right? So, say goodbye
to the nice man
and thank me for saving you
from being on Dateline.
Okay. Let's go. Come on.
Goodbye, world traveler.
Later, bro-heisen.
Ben.
Come on.
I don't want to be
a failure again, Ron.
There's no shame in failure
if you gave it
an honest effort.
Easy for you to say.
People are dying to give you
money for your business,
and you didn't even take it.
I didn't sell my chairs
to that website
because I value my name.
I mean, the only thing
that's important
at the end of the day
is what's on your gravestone.
Your name.
My gravestone's going to be
a 60-inch touch screen
with a hologram of four me's
singing End of the Road
by Boyz Il Men.
But point taken.
Ben. What is the first rule
of the Leslie Knope
Emotional Support Task Force?
"Don't let her get a tattoo."
What the hell happened?
I couldn't help it.
She's so cute
when she's coming up
with destructive ideas.
Never send a husband
to do a best friend's job.
Out, Wyatt.
Walk it off. Walk it off.
Fine.
You did it.
Yep.
See you later, Ann.
Nope. Nope, sit down.
Oh.
You are avoiding
your problems.
What? No, I'm not.
Can we talk
about this tomorrow?
You were down in the polls.
Your opponents
were well funded
and well organized.
You must have known
this would be a possibility.
Intellectually, I knew
that I might be in trouble.
But deep in my heart,
I never really thought...
Ben and I tried to help you.
But as usual, you're
the best person for the job.
I wrote this.
You need to hear
yourself read it.
"They held the recall election
and I lost.
"I was voted out of office.
"In 30 days,
I will no longer be
a Pawnee City Councilor."
It's so hard to read
when you're drunk.
Keep going.
"But I am Leslie Knope.
I am more than
a City Councilor.
"I am an unstoppable
force of energy.
"And I will use those days
to work as hard as I can."
These are all your
ongoing projects.
Everything you're currently
working on for Pawnee.
You have things to do.
You have a month left.
Use it.
Ann, you poetic,
noble land mermaid.
You're right, once again.
Thank you.
I flushed my car keys
down the toilet.
No problem.
No! Stop!
Hello to you, too, April.
I'm sorry
I said you were lame.
Okay? You are,
but I know you were
just trying to help me. So...
Thank you, April.
Happy Halloween.
And if you want to egg
Larry's house, come find me.
You guys are cute.
Where did that come from?
I'm weak. I miss Andy
and it's making me weak.
Also, if Chris puts that much
effort into making
my stupid night better,
I'm sure that he'll make
your lame life perfect.
Or he's secretly
super in love with me.
It's probably that.
That's a funny joke, April.
But the truth is,
I'm very much
in love with Ann.
Aw.
Okay, gross, spell is broken.
I've made my decision.
And I'll sell you
Rent A Swag,
but on my terms.
Which are?
$40,000 for the inventory,
the website, and everything
else in the store.
But I keep the name
Rent A Swag. It's mine,
and I'm keeping it.
The name is actually
an important part of the sale.
Really?
Yes, my client
likes the name.
It's better than
Tommy's Closet.
He needs the name.
Well, I don't know
what to tell you. Except...
I'll throw in the name
in exchange for $20,000 more
and 5% of your
client's business.
I'll run it past my client.
But I think we have a deal.
Ron said there's nothing
more valuable than my name.
But he's not a businessman.
I am. And now, I have seed
money for my next venture.
I sold out, baby.
The votes have been counted,
and I have been recalled.
I am, of course,
disappointed.
But I am still
your city councilwoman
for 30 more days.
And I intend to spend
every second I have left
working for you
and this great city.
The thing about being part
of the Leslie Knope
Emotional Support Task Force
is that it's a very easy job.
She's never down
for that long.
And now that she's had
a little time to recharge,
she is like a toddler
bouncing back from a nap.
Hey. There you guys are.
Okay. Ben, I need some help
with the re-zoning thing.
Also, I think we should
paint our deck.
So, I have some
color samples for you.
And to thank you both
for being there
when I needed you,
I carved your faces
into these jack-o-lanterns.
Ann, it was very hard
to capture your beauty.
And, Ben, you make
a sexy pumpkin.
No surprise.
Love you both.
See you later.
Okay.
Wow!
That's amazing.
Not bad.